XFM Vault - S01E02 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Xfm 104.9, Dandy Warhols, "Bohemian Like You". It's the Ricky Gervais Show.

steve: With Steve Merchant.

ricky: Yeah! Exactly, and Karl, who's turned our microphones on.

steve: Whay!

ricky: Can’t believe it. Doin’ that.

steve: Good to see you Karl, good to see you Ricky.

ricky: Cheers, cheers. Now, in a fun filled and music filled show, we've got music and fun.

steve: Yes, looking forward to that.

ricky: Two hours, solid two hours, there's no gaps.

steve: There's nothing – there’s no-

ricky: There'll be no dead air.

steve: There will be adverts sometimes.

ricky: There'll be adverts, yeah, but I mean you know, that's- that’s what pays our wages innit, really.

steve: Certainly. Certainly.

ricky: And some of the adverts I think are quite amusing!

steve: Yes! No, particularly the ones that you're on.

ricky: Yeah. Uh, we've got um... our hip-hop challenge, we've got Song for the Lovers, Song for the Ladies, we've got a film review, so-

steve: Magnificent. Had any calls about that, Rick? Any, maybe Channel 5 or someone onto you?

ricky: No, they haven't, no. No.

steve: That's strange, that's weird...

ricky: No, no, but it's, I think it's a bit ahead of itself, because it's very unique.

steve: Sure. Sure.

ricky: Because it’s not like other -- it's a bit, a bit out there. Anything caught your eye, uh, this week Steve?

steve: Well Rick, I uh, I know that both you and I are kind of obsessed with these people who believe in, you know, people who can predict the future-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -or have got contact with the dead or whatever.

ricky: Yep.

steve: And uh, I know Mystic Meg is a bit of a nonsense, but people do take her seriously. On the cover of The Sun today: "Mystic Meg Won Me 15 Million Quid."

ricky: Wow!

steve: Right, and you're thinking, that's not – that’s a pretty amazing claim, I know that Karl believes in Mystic Meg and all that sort of rubbish, you know. You're thinking, wow, here at last is proof that she has got powers, and you're wondering to yourself, well maybe she predicted the numbers specifically, you know that would be a hell of a --

ricky: Just to - just to him.

steve: Yeah, which is incredible, which is absolutely incredible.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And so there's this guy, uh, "Lottery Mad Tom Nailer", he's a lorry driver, right, he won 15 million quid.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He says, um, "I always read my horoscope in The Sun and follow the advice". Ah, basically, what Meg said was: "Keep a lottery ticket in a yellow mug, to add luck." So you're thinking, well OK, he's kept his ticket in a yellow mug, that's still pretty extraordinary.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Mm. "I didn't have a yellow mug," says Tom, "So I put it in the pages of my map book"... sorry, "I put the ticket in the pages of my map book, which is yellow”.

ricky: Right. He's used yellow.

steve: Mm.

ricky: No, he's used the yellow!

steve: Yeah, no, see I don't know much about how Mystic Meg works, I'm assuming maybe there's some kind of pseudo-science that she applies.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I think if she'd said, "Put it near anything yellow," fine.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: She said put it in a yellow mug, that's pretty specific.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: From that he's thought, “Well I'll ignore Meg's advice, I always do what she says .. if she says put it in a yellow mug, I’ll put it in –“

ricky: She's had two sort of like, you know, um, uh, points of reference there: the descriptive, the yellowness of the object,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And the object itself, the noun should be a mug.

steve: Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

ricky: What's missing in the yellow book is the mugness.

steve: The mugness! It's one of the intrinsic elements.

ricky: It's got lots of bookness-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -but it wasn't the bookness that gave him the 15 million. So uh,

steve: Exactly, exactly.

ricky: I reckon, I reckon: "Mystic Meg Won Me 7 and a Half Million"-

steve: Right.

ricky: -would have been a more accurate-

steve: Sure, sure, yeah. So, I don't know, what, Karl, do you think that's pretty spooky? And weird, unnatural stuff?

karl: Sor-I’m just a bit livid today. I wasn't really listenin' to what you were saying.

steve: Not paying attention!

karl: Yeah, sorry.

steve: Ok. Do you wanna notify us, before we ask you a question?

ricky: Yer, yeah, you are given to us, go on – wh-what --

karl: No, it would have just been nice if woulda, like, warned me you were gonna ask me about it... I'm just,

karl: Just a bit livid.

steve: Right.

ricky: Go on, what about?

karl: Just, just, I don’t wanna talk about it.

steve: Have I done something?

karl: No, no, not you two. Just, just a bit livid.

ricky: Eh! XFM 104.9!

ricky: "Stand Clear", Adam F, MOP. We all know whose dad Adam F is. No-

steve: Who was it again?

ricky: We all know whose Adam F's dad of. We all of know dads. Do we?

steve: Rick, can you keep it, keep filling, ‘cause I've realised I've left my mobile phone on, and the kind of calls I’m gonna be getting on a Saturday afternoon...

ricky: Yeah, I’ll just keep –

steve: Yeah! Just keep talkin’, Rick.

ricky: Er, no one'll notice, just... Oh, that was Adam F. and MOP, "Stand Clear". We all know Adam F.'s got a dad. Ohh. Done it again. Do you remember the trivia quiz?

karl: Forgot it.

ricky: Whose Dad is Adam F.?

karl: Alvin Stardust!

ricky: Yes, Shane Fenton, that's what the F must be for. You back?

steve: That's done, yeah.

ricky: Yeah, we wouldn't wanna be, argh. All the people that are calling you all the time!

steve: Ho ho ho! The ladies!

ricky: Oh, God. Anyway, XFM 104.9.

steve: Rick, I know you’re a big um,

ricky: We're gonna start now, we're gonna start now, this proper radio, from now. Go. Go.

steve: Oh, there's a lot of pressure on me now.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I’m gonna muck it up.

steve: Um, now uh, Rick, I know you're a big trivia fan,

ricky: Mm.

steve: I know you're obsessed with trivia.

ricky: Love it.

steve: And I thought to myself, well how can I entertain Rick on Saturday.

ricky: Go on.

steve: So I was, ah, wandering around on the web looking for um, uh, trivia basically, that could entertain you. And you're a big animal trivia fan.

ricky: I love animal facts.

steve: There's not much you don't know about animals. But here's uh, here’s something.

ricky: You're gonna catch me out now aren't you?

steve: Oh well, I don’t know. Um, here's one, I don't know if you've heard this one before: Ants –

ricky: Yeah?

steve: --never sleep.

ricky: No, I know. Yeah.

steve: "Ooh I know!” Easy for you to say that!

ricky: And – and, they’ve got alcohol in their blood, so they don’t freeze in winter, and, that's why you never see a lazy ant. It's always working.

steve: Mm.

ricky: It's drunk, but it's always working.

steve: Well, they - they never sleep, but they do take a lot of fag breaks.

ricky: Yeah! I know, yeah. I think it's ‘cause they can’t sleep, ‘cause it's like, noisy neighbours, there's about a million of them,

steve: Yeah, it’s a nightmare.

ricky: Living sometimes in a room. And they just, it must be a real -- But you see 'em, you can see ‘em carrying a leaf and they see someone else, and they say "Do want a hand with that?" and they say "Don't be silly, you're carrying summat, 8 times your bodyweight as it is." He goes, "Well, you know, I’ve got another pair of hands free,"

steve: Yeah!

ricky: “I'll give you a hand." Yeah they're great, ants.

steve: Yeah, yeah, they’re incrazable - they're incredible.

ricky: Yeah, I knew that one - next.

steve: Um, Ok, all right then, this is, uh, this is one I’m throwin’ right at you as well Karl. Uh - there's only one bird that has a penis. Which bird is it?

ricky: This is not, it’s not a joke –

steve: No, it's not a joke, this is not a joke. This is genuine trivia question.

ricky: Ok, I'd say... Oh. I'll say, I think I've seen one on this, uh, is it an ostrich?

steve: Right, you're going for ostrich. Karl?

karl: I'll go for ostrich as well.

steve: Right. Did you come up with that yourself, or?

karl: Yep, I was gonna way that, before he said it.

steve: Right. Well guys you went for ostrich,

karl: Chicken?

steve: You're both wrong. It's actually the swan.

ricky: At the last – “Chicken!“

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's a bit worrying then, ‘cause I thought I saw an ostrich penis, so what was I looking at?

steve: I don't know, were you just examining it closely at the zoo, what were you -

ricky: No, I just, was just...

steve: It was probably a strap-on.

ricky: It was probably two lezzer ostriches giving each other one.

steve: Yeah. Exactly!

ricky: And I just — and that's how it can influence, peop- things like that, dirty, filthy lezz ostriches can -

steve: Confuse a child! If he's at the zoo, and he doesn’t know.

ricky: A swan's got a --? That's really annoying, I tell – ‘cause, I’d never give a swan a knob.

steve: Mm.

ricky: ...It's the poofiest of all birds, innit!

steve: It is the poofiest of all birds.

ricky: "Oh, I'm protected by the Queen, but I need a knob”. I'd give, if I had to give a knob to any bird, um...

steve: Good question!

ricky: No!

steve: No, I wish I’d posed that, myself! If you could give a knob to any bird, what would it be? Phone in. 0--

ricky: Vulture!

steve: Well of course a vulture, yeah.

ricky: That - they need a cock.

steve: A big, veiny, bangstick.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What about yourself, Karl? If you could give a knob to any bird? And don't make it rude! “Ooh, if I could give a knob to any bird, I’d made it that Jordan!”

ricky: What bird...It's gotta be a bird of prey or summat like that hasn't it?

karl: Just a robin, really.

steve: That would have been amazing! That would be beaut-

ricky: Yeah!

karl: Christmas cards would be like --

ricky: Yeah,

steve: That would be brilliant!

ricky: But it's a normal human-sized knob, on a robin.

steve: Yeah. Exactly.

ricky: That would be great wouldn't it.

steve: That would be genius.

ricky: And the other thing annoying about this, this is ironic, right, now, all, the male of all bird species are usually, they're called the cock, right.

steve: Yes.

ricky: But the only bird with a cock,

steve: Yeah,

ricky: Right, is called a "cob"!

steve: Is that what a swan's called?

ricky: Yeah! They’re cob and pen, they’re not cock and hen!

steve: Right. That’s annoying.

ricky: And he's got – they’ve – he isn't a cock, but he's got a cock!

steve: Yeah, yeah, quick query there Rick.

ricky: Go on.

steve: When you then cock, presumably you meant male bird, the first time you said it.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: The second time you said it, you said "cock", do you mean the penis?

ricky: Well, you're showing off the whole farce of radio broadcasting --

steve: Because you're not really allowed to say cock meaning the penis.

ricky: No, exactly! No! One cock would b- cause great offense.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: The other cock's fine.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: It's weird isn't it?

steve: It is strange, it is strange. So if we said, if I said now to you now, you know, "Oh, I like cocks",

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Meaning birds, that would be fine.

ricky: Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.

steve: But if it meant penises it would be a problem.

ricky: If you like cocks and it was penises, yeah yeah. That would be, yeah.

steve: Right, Karl do you like cocks?

steve: Do you like cocks?

karl: No.

steve: Right, OK, no that's fine, that's fine. I was askin’ if you liked --

ricky: No, I, I, I like, you know,

steve: Yeah. Well I’m uh, I’m a big fan of, um, tits.

ricky: The small birds that come down and peck at your --

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. You like tits and cocks, there's nothing wrong with –

steve: Tits and cocks! There’s nothing wrong with that.

ricky: There’s nothing wrong with -- Karl, don't worry. There's nothing wrong with saying tits and cocks.

steve: No, ‘cause when I said "tits" I meant the little birds.

ricky: Yeah. They come down.

steve: And when i say cocks I mean the little— the big birds.

ricky: Yeah. Do you know, when um--

steve: Go on, no, go on.

ricky: No, it's just that when you were talking about tits.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know, at the milk. Do you, they – they – they – I like the fact that they flutter away when they hear the milkman coming.

karl: Oh, come on!

ricky: What?

steve: So wait, what you talking about? What are you talking about? No, when the milkman's coming, when he’s walkin’ up the path--

ricky: Ash, and "Sometimes", lovely song. Gotta apologise to our producer there, ‘cause he was worried about -- there was nothing wrong with it, it's just like saying you, you know, you like watching birds in the garden --

karl: It's just that I think you're better than that.

ricky: I know, it's cheap isn't it to say like, I like tits,

steve: Yeah, I like tits.

ricky: Or I like cocks, so we're gonna be a bit more literary now.

steve: Go on.

ricky: One of my favourite things is "Fanny by Gaslight".

steve: Really? That’s interesting.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's interesting, I'm a big fan of "Moby Dick".

ricky: Oh, the – oh yeah, the book. "Moby Dick". Not the medical condition,

steve: No, no no no no.

ricky: There's nothing innuend– no, it's the big horrible thing that used to swallow seamen.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Now I, in the winter,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Steve.

steve: Go on.

ricky: There's nothing I like more, than to keep my hands warm... in a muff.

steve: No, sure, sure, sure. You mean those kind of furry things that, you know classy looking ladies used to have --

ricky: Yeah. Posh ladies, often put their hands in -- You know when you have a nice, like party --

steve: You have a nice party, yeah, a winter party, yeah.

ricky: And you might take the wrong hat or something, there's nothing I like more than to see two posh women with their hands in each other's muffs.

steve: Ho-ho! That’s always a fun bit!

ricky: And they're going, "Oh, this must be yours!”

steve: Yeah. That is always funny.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but, seriously, no, no, stop this, you’re right. I’ve got a degree in --

steve: I've just remembered that my favorite Beatles song is "Come Together".

ricky: Yeah. Now, we're gonna stop this now Karl, ‘cause it's childish... You’re right, I've got a philosophy degree-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -for Christ sake, and it's about time --

steve: Who's your favorite philosopher, do you mind me askin'?

ricky: Well, I would tell you, except, when I ever talk about it I always go into a cockney accent, so it it can be like "My favourite philosopher – I like a bit of Kant".

steve: Right. Is that Immanuel Kant? The philosopher.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's strange.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's strange. What's his name again?

ricky: Kant.

steve: Oh yeah. yeah. That can be weird, can be strange!

ricky: Look at Karl's face!

steve: Oh, look at his face.

ricky: Look at his face!

steve: Join in Karl! Undo your trousers, just let it all hang out, let your cock hang out.

ricky: We'll be like Stan Boardman, when he told the Fokker joke.

steve: Yeah! Of course!

ricky: We - we won't do local radio again for 10 years.

ricky: Ian Brown, "Dolphins Were Monkeys".

steve: Yup.

ricky: Before that, don't know what that was. Um, I'm still pissed off that swans have got cocks.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It's a waste, it's a waste of a knob with a swan.

steve: I know what you mean. I know what you mean.

ricky: They don’t know what they’re doing with half the time. Um, now, we've got some great -- do you remember, we've stopped all the silly innuendos now, but do you remember --

karl: Do you think it's because they've got a long neck, and to balance them properly in the water --

karl: What are those things that boats have underneath?

steve: A rudder.

karl: No- d'you know what I mean, like yachts?

ricky: No, the big thing – the keel – the keel -

karl: It might be, do you know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah, it might be, you might be right. Yeah.

karl: Balancing them.

steve: Well but, what about – but ducks would need one as well wouldn't they?

ricky: Ducks don’t –

karl: No, cause they've got short necks.

steve: Oh, I see what you mean, it's the necks, yeah.

ricky: So, hold on, do you think that's, so long necks - long knob?

steve: Don't look at me Gervais.

karl: Ask Steve!

ricky: I know, no, Sandi Toksvig's got a tiny cock hasn't she?

steve: But she has got one, which is interesting.

ricky: That's libelous, I'd just like to say now that Sandi Toksvig has never had a knob.

steve: No, she's not.

karl: But you're not lying about the neck...

steve: Yeah tiny little neck, freakish.

ricky: No, she's got a little neck, that's fine, that’s, that's clear for all to see. I just remember um, a bloke I saw on "Opportunity Knocks" once,

steve: "Opportunity Knocks"?

ricky: Yeah. It was a pianist, and this is true, and his name was "Wayne King".

karl: Mm.

ricky: I - do you like Wayne King?

steve: Karl, what's your opinion on Wayne King?

karl: I don't know his work.

steve: You're not a fan of his work. Ok. No, no, that's fine! Karl! We asked you're opinion mate, and you've given it. And that's all we can ask for.

ricky: Aw. No opinion on Wayne King, at all.

steve: If you, if you're a fan of Wayne King at home, please get in touch, the email address, uh, I had, [email protected] What was the number again, 08700 800 1234. You know, if you like Wayne King or if, you know,

ricky: No!

steve: Karl, what are you talking about, we're asking someone's music opinion, it's a music station, what – you, you’re strange!

karl: Is it gonna be like this all day?

ricky: If it’s – if we -

karl: Let's talk about you and your girlfriends again. I think people enjoy that more.

ricky: Ooooohhh!

steve: Oh, here he comes!

steve: Wow! I’ll tell y--

ricky: You are grumpy, why are you grumpy? You’re all grumpy ‘cause you been, lo- c’mon, tell us. Come on.

karl: I think, I think I’ve got S.A.D.

ricky: What's that mean?

karl: That thing when it’s dark –

ricky: Sade?

karl: You know when it's dark outside and you feel depressed.

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: I think I’ve got that.

steve: But you're from Manchester, aren't you? Isn’t it like pitch black there all the time?

steve: W-w-which country is it, Iceland, where it's like, it’s like dark all year.

ricky: Yeah! The land of the mole people.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: No. I was telling Steve before... In fact, I’m not gonna bore you with it. Go on, what, what were we saying about Wayne King?

steve: Well you bored me with it earlier, can't you bore him with it?

ricky: Yeah, it's only fair. What were you saying about what?

karl: Wayne King

steve: Did you say --

ricky: Oh Karl, play a record!

steve: Oh that’s a disgusting, Karl! You're a pervert!

ricky: Liquido, "Play Some Rock". That's what we're doing, Steve!

steve: We are indeed!

ricky: Before that, Weezer, "Island in the Sun".

steve: Can I just ask Karl a quick question?

ricky: Yeah, why does he swear so much on radio? No?

steve: No, no, no. No, no. Karl, did you see that film last night, "Gaylords Say No"?

karl: Mmm... yes.

steve: Aw.

ricky: What were you watching that for?

steve: Yeah! Weirdo!

steve: Ohh. You, you’re always gonna lose with that one. Rick, did you see that film last night "Gaylords Say No"?

ricky: No. Ah, no!

steve: That means you're a gaylord.

ricky: Aww.

steve: That is actually, the official way of finding out if someone's gay.

ricky: That's how Oscar Wilde got caught.

steve: Exactly how he got caught.

ricky: They went "Well we've got evidence ... So anyway, cheers m’lad. Oh before you go, uh, Oscar – see that film last night "Gaylords Say No?”

ricky and steve: No.

ricky: "Take him away".

steve: Yeah. Take that bender downstairs.

ricky: Take him out of my sight.

steve: That is how they got him! That is the official way.

ricky: Yep. Yeah.

steve: "Children in Need" last night, Rick. Ho-ho!

ricky: Ohh. I got - watched a bit of it.

steve: Did you watch any of it, Karl. It's awful isn't it?

ricky: It is pretty bad.

steve: It's the worst thing ever, I mean it just -- I've said this before, the thing about "Children in Need", it makes the whole country and BBC1 for one day into just one big school fete.

ricky: Yeah. Exactly.

steve: D’y’know what I mean. It's so pathetic. The entertainment is ill thought out, it's just, it’s just boring --

karl: I'd prefer it if the just made everyone pay a pound.

steve: That'd be fine! Yeah.

karl: And they'd make more money, and we wouldn't have to sit through it.

steve: Just add it to the license fee.

ricky: But surely that's, exactly, surely that's just a taxation that we should, you know, as opposed -

steve: But that's fine.

ricky: As opposed to going through this nonsense of people from west-end musicals who aren't selling come out and do a song.

steve: Yes! Yeah, of course!

ricky: Oh, God!

steve: ‘Cause it’s just - they may as well, because there was Terry Wogan at one point going around the audience, with a bucket, just rattlin’ it, getting people, members of the audience to put loose change in a bucket! I’m just - it's national television!

ricky: Yeah!

steve: I’ve watchin’ d- they've already had to sit through three hours of rubbish, now you're making them pay for it.

ricky: Does -does he get paid?

steve: I, I don’t know, if he done it for charity. I know- you notice a lot of people that go on there, though, all the pop acts that go on there are all plugging a new single.

ricky: Of course, but that's- yeah.

steve: It's like there's this mask, of sort- this charade of charity, but they're all plugging a single.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: It's just pathetic, it's utterly path-- they may as well bring on a big tombola, you know, and guess how many, kind of, pennies are in the jar, and -

ricky: How did Pudsey lose his eye as well?

steve: Well, he'll get another one out if he's not careful.

steve: And um, I, I was watching it quite late, we just had it on in the corner while we were chatting and stuff, and um, about one o’clock in the morning, OK, they'd, they’d been promising this for ages. It was a couple of, sort of "Hollyoaks" stars or something,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Male, male stars were gonna be part of a male stripper – striptease, the Full Monty type thing.

ricky: Yeah, I turned that off.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I didn't wanna watch that, Steve.

karl: Do you notice how he said they'd been promising it for ages, it was on at one in the morning.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Almost like he's been staying up.

ricky: Yes, Karl's got you!

steve: Well you've got the measure of me Karl!

karl: It's a bit weird, Steve!

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Did you see that film last night, "Gaylords Say No"?

steve: No but the point was right, the thing about the um -- are you a gaylord tape -- tied to a tree?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah.

steve: There you are then.

ricky: There you are. Done ya.

karl: Have you really done me?

steve: No but seriously, so they bring on these, uh, this this this male stripper, kinda, gang come on, y'know, firemen or whatever, and they come on, and then they cut to the audience, and there was one woman just putting her glasses on.

steve: About a 40-year-old woman, it's like it was one in the morning, she'd fallen asleep and her friend must've gone "Agnes, Agnes -- quick put your glasses on. Wake up, they're getting their cocks out”. And I mean cocks.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: And they, they did this striptease right, they did this striptease, and I have to swear, right, they went right down to their um, their underwear and they were just flashing their arses, they just – it was ut- and I was thinking, this is for kiddies! And it was obscene, it was utterly obscene, I was actually appalled.

ricky: Not at one in the morning it's not!

steve: What're you talking about, it was appalling! It’s "Children In Need"!

ricky: Well the charity is.

steve: No but it was just – it was, it was offensive. I was offended by it. It was the BBC, it was charity, and there were blokes with their todgers almost out.

ricky: Yeah but the fact that it’s – yeah but it’s post-watershed, you can have any event and give it to anything can't ya?

steve: No! That's not right! It's for children! 'Cause a lot of children will stay up and watch that, their parents will sort of go "Yeah, it's fine”, y'know, "You can stay up and watch Children In Need, that's for kids”.

ricky: Yeah. But then arses aren't, you know.

steve: It was! But it was just arses, they gave the impression they were fully nude! I mean thankfully they weren't, I made a close inspection.

steve: But. It was obscene!

ricky: Yeah, me and Karl, Karl's—

steve: You got the measure of me.

ricky: Me and Karl are looking at each other.

steve: You’re looking at each other?

steve: Gazing into each other's eyes?

ricky: What's happened to us, yeah, just for one week only we're back at school, OK, there's innuendos, we laugh when we say the word bender, cock, uh, tits meaning birds --

steve: Karl and Ricky sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Rick, have you been enjoying Bubba Sparxxx's current hit -- "Ugly, you're ugly, oh I'm ugly, ugly". A song which means nothing to me actually, I don’t -

steve: I can't relate to it at all.

ricky: I am, yeah, I am, yeah.

steve: What do you make of Bubba?

ricky: I like Bubba.

steve: He's a sort of down-south kinda rapper.

ricky: I know where this is going. I bet you've got a little bit of Bubba in your hip hop challenge.

steve: Ho ho ho! Well, we did have the hip hop challenge a couple of weeks ago, but I lost, so basically we're just playing a favourite hip hop track of ours aren't we, each week -

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: And this is my selection, it's from Bubba's current album, it's not the hit "Ugly", it's uh, the album's actually called "Dark Days, Bright Nights" and I believe this song presumably comes from that title 'cause it's called "Dark Days, Bright Nights". Enjoy it, Rick.

ricky: I will.

steve: Bubba Sparxxx, "Dark Days, Bright Nights". Title track of his current album. Rick, what do you make of it?

ricky: I love it!

steve: D’you enjoy it?

ricky: It's great, it's hypnotic, it’s – aw. The chorus, is that a son- it sounds like Stevie Wonder, or -

steve: It does sound like Steve, I uh, I don't know, I haven't got the inlay sleeve to hand, I can't tell you.

ricky: Does anyone know? Maybe they could call in.

steve: Rick, uh, I'd love to give out the number, in fact I will: 08700 800 1234, [email protected] Who is, uh, providing the chorus for Bubba Sparxxx’s "Dark Days, Bright Nights". 104.9 Xfm.

ricky: Well, from Bubba Sparxxxs, to S-Sparky Bubbs – those - Sparky Bubb boys, Suede.

steve: Heyyy! Slick.

ricky: Strokes, "Last Nite" on Xfm 104.9. Before that, Suede--

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: "Beautiful Ones". Fella just phoned up and said "You were talking about water fowl before”. Um,

steve: Cocks.

ricky: The only – yeah, the only, bird with a penis is the swan, and he said we'd worried him about the ugly duckling, about, oh he turned into a swan, but a ducklings, they’re not called, um, ducklings, they’re called cygnets. I pointed out that the, the, the swan in question didn't understand,

steve: Right.

ricky: 'Cause he thought he was a -

steve: An ugly ducking. Yep.

ricky: A duckling, and that’s that - all the other ducks sorta laughed at him 'cause he was all gangly and everything, then he turned into a swan and he realised "Oh, I was a swan all along..."

steve: Yeah, the ugly duckling story got me through so many bleak nights as a child.

ricky: You couldn't wait to one day turn into a swan.

steve: Still waiting for it.

ricky: So you could have a knob! Presumably.

steve: So I could have a – yeah. Cock.

ricky: Yeah, 'cause uh, so uh,

ricky: Look, Karl, look don't worry, this is a nice little, no one's gonna complain about this, this is lovely, childish -

steve: This is kid's stuff.

ricky: Childish, lovely little innuendo, there's nothing nasty or vicious. There's no hate.

steve: And anyway, off-air you're a different kettle of fish, you were trying to get us with the gaylords joke.

ricky: Yes he was! He tried to do this, we - we'd done the gaylord --"Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?" Karl, trying to get his own back, went "Did you watch Gaylords last night?" Brilliant.

steve: It's gotta be, "Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?", and then you say "No", and we all point and laugh.

ricky: Oh! It was - I was gonna ask you, is it true he's leaving Friday?

karl: Who?

ricky: Robinson Crusoe.

steve: Nice one. High five Rick.

steve: Oh he got you the right – he got you the right one there. I dunno what that means, but he did.

ricky: Anyway. Yeah.

steve: Um, we were talking about "Children in Need", Rick.

ricky: Oh yeah, yeah.

steve: And um... Karl what's wrong with you?

ricky: He's just got it, he's just got it, go on. Yeah.

steve: We were talkin’ ‘bout "Children in Need" earlier, and uh, as I say, I'm not a fan of it, and I - this was a couple of years ago, I was working um... and we had to drive up to er... to Blackpool.

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: And so, it was Comic Relief night, it was a Friday night, and we were listening to all the different kind of BBC radio stations 'cause they all cover Comic Relief, they all sort of link up as one big thing--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And uh, I think this was maybe like sort of, I dunno, BBC Solihull or something, and uh- they've always got like, they've got this, this one guy in the studio doing all the DJing, and um there's some bloke who's sort of outside the BBC with some kids and whatever else, um, kind of doing a live linkup. And the guy outside was Steve Baxter, I forget the name of the DJ inside--

ricky: I love the fact that you remember the man's name.

steve: Well it's important because, er, we were listening and the guy in the studio he's there and he's chatting away, going "Got a signed picture here of er, the Spice Girls, all the girls have signed that, and so the highest bidder gets to win that, and you'll have that, and er... um... I seem to have run out of words”.

steve: He just said, "I seem to have run out of words”. And we were like listening like ... OK ... And he just went, "I seem to have run out of words … I wonder if Steve Baxter's got any for me”.

steve: And Steve Baxter's just outside like obviously not, not ready, just going, “Do what – mate?”

ricky: Didn't have any words either? Well who's got all the words then?

steve: It was wordless!

ricky: I don't believe it, he's probably used up too many words in the first hour-

steve: Exactly, he's just used all the words up.

ricky: And he didn't want to repeat himself,

steve: Exactly.

ricky: So he just thought that, that's it, I've -

steve: It was a hideous blunder, so we were um … we were, we were enjoying that, and the work of Steve Baxter, and er, we were driving along, and then, we were driving along, and we got stuck in this, this jam on the way up to Blackpool, and I saw this kind of white Mercedes, like a couple... and I thought, that looks quite swank, y'know, and I’m – swank,

steve: And I drove up, we were driving up behind it, and the number plate was something, I can't remember exactly, but I think it was something like "ORV 1". I'm thinking, interesting. "ORV 1", y'know. So we were driving alongside - who is driving, no actually is wasn't the driver, it was, there was a guy driving it, in the front seat, asleep -

karl: Green duck.

steve: Keith Harris.

ricky: Really!

steve: Keith Harris was there. Orville, as I recall, on the back seat.

ricky: Oh no!

steve: I couldn't believe it, yeah.

ricky: Was asleep, or –

steve: I think he was asleep.

ricky: Just knackered.

steve: I didn't, I didn’t see Cuddles, the crazy monkey, I suspect, I imagine he would've popped up at some point just kind of annoying the driver's hair, going crazy.

ricky: No – you’ve got - yeah, you've gotta, I think Cuddles has to go in the boot.

steve: He's gotta go in the boot 'cause he'll cause havoc.

ricky: Yeah, and he, knowing Cuddles he'd put his hands over the driver's eyes mucking around.

steve: Exactly, causing all kinds of trouble.

ricky: But then the thing is, he doesn't understand road safety to be, to be fair.

steve: Well he's a monkey.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: He's a monkey and he's got a lisp.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, and even a real one at that.

steve: No.

ricky: The thing is, what worries me about, um, Orville, is that that argument raged for years between him and Harris, and Orville's right -- he can't fly.

steve: He can't fly, yeah.

ricky: So, I'm worried that Harris will lull him into a false sense of security.

steve: "But you can fly!"

ricky: Yeah, and then when Harris is out, Orville'll climb onto a chair, onto a windowsill, basically think he can fly and just plummet--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: To his death.

steve: Just a quick point about Orville - I'm surprised he's still not potty trained.

steve: 'Cause he's been, he’s been wearing that nappy of his, for years!

ricky: I know! ‘Cause he’s -

steve: He can talk, he's mastered the power of speech!

ricky: Yeah, yeah!

steve: Still crapping everywhere I assume.

ricky: I assume so.

steve: Flying around, terrible mess.

ricky: Yeah, and has - definitely no - hasn't - he's a duck so he hasn't got a cock.

steve: He has not got a penis.

ricky: Penis, sorry. That was a mistake, there I did say cock meaning -

steve: Did you mean penis there?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You shouldn't've said that Rick.

ricky: I'm really sorry.

steve: You should've pretended you meant bird.

ricky: Oh. I’m really sorry. Put your, put your fingers in your mouth like this Karl, right, pull it apart, like that. Like that. Now just say "bucket and spade".

steve: No, with your fingers in your mouth.

ricky: No, pull your fingers like that and jut say "bucket and spade".

karl: Bucket and spade.

ricky and steve: No.

ricky: Don't do that -

steve: Keep your fingers in your mouth when you say it.

karl: Fucket.

ricky: Oh, Karl, play a record!

steve: Oh that's outrageous, Karl!

ricky: Smashing Pumpkins, "Untitled", on Xfm 104.9. I just gotta tell you something Steve, remember, erm, er, at my birthday party, er, my girlfriend had bought me one of those, um, er, arcade games you put money in in a pub.

steve: Oh it's a quiz machine though isn't it.

ricky: Quiz machine, yeah, touch the screen right. And we were all playing, but Steve, with his general film knowledge. W- people were getting like 100,000 points and getting through, right. Steve got something like 8 million.

steve: Right listen, I got the top score on a movie trivia quiz game, right. Who's the geek now?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Alright Karl? Hello!

ricky: No but it was impossible, and I tried it, and for like months I thought, I just thought I've just gotta knock him off the top. And I did it with all the other catagories, and I was best at Rock, I was best at Rock, let's say that, but by no means as, y'know. The – the gap between right - a friend of mine and a friend of yours, Johnny Candon, the lovely Irish comedian came round last night--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: --had a couple of goes. He got something like 30 million.

steve: That's mental. That's madness.

ricky: Yeah. In fact, he's - you're right, 'cause um, Johnny bought this comic right, he loves "Doctor Who", and he bought this comic, and Steve, he left it there, and Steve go a post-it note and on every page wrote "GEEK".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Johnny gets it home, reads this, reads it on the tube, and there's "GEEK" written everywhere, on every page. That's the sort of vicious man Steve is. He can hand it out, d'you know’t I mean? Imagine him calling you a geek, what could that- what must that feel like, to be called a geek by Steve Merchant? What do you think Karl?

karl: Every week he has a go at me anyway.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What're you talking about a go at you! You're having a go at me every week!

karl: You have, for the last three weeks -

steve: What?

karl: You've been having a go at me!

steve: I have not had a go -- you've always had a go at me!

karl: No, you've always said to me, "What do I look like?", and what do you expect me to do, lie?

ricky: Ooooh he's done you again Steve!

karl: No I'm not getting into this, ‘cause,

ricky: He's done you again!

karl: A young lad called up before and said "Oh, have a go at Steve again and his looks”, and it's not like a game, I'm not like, coming in here every week and wanting to make you look - y'know, come across as an ugly bloke. I don't need to do that.

ricky: He's done you up! He's done you up.

steve: What … I can't -- is this 'cause of the gaylord stuff?

karl: No, it's just,

steve: Are you're having a go at me again?

karl: It's just that you, you had a go at me before I started with you...

steve: I didn't have a go at you at all I was talking to Ricky! I haven't had a word, I haven't spoken a word to you!

karl: It's in your eyes...

steve: Is this why you're in an ugly mood, a bad mood, a generally grim mood? Is it 'cause, like, you, you just think I'm gonna have a go at you?

karl: I dunno what it is, when I get here you're alright, and then soon as you come in here you change.

steve: I don't – I haven't done anything! What're you talking about, you're paranoid! I haven't said anything mate!

ricky: I'm keeping out of it.

steve: I've drawn a little picture of you here but I've not said anything!

ricky: I tell you what, what we need now is a Song for the Lovers.

steve: Oh Rick, please!

ricky: I want tell you now, this has been one of my favourite songs for about 20 years, it's by David Bowie. Now David Bowie's had his phases, and I liked his glam stuff, and I, y'know, Tin Machine, went off, and y'know, he - he's always sort of, there, on and off, right, but this song is off "Space Oddity", it's called "Letter to Hermione", and I don't know why he stopped writing songs like this, 'cause this is probably one of the most beautiful songs, ever recorded, and I know Steve agrees with me on this.

steve: I do indeed, Rick, can I just kiss and make up with Karl?

ricky: No, that is -

steve: No lemme just, lemme just give him a kiss.

karl: Yeah but it does- next – but then next week you'll be the same again!

steve: What're you talking about?

karl: It doesn't mean anything!

steve: Let's kiss on the lips.

karl: It’s like saying sorry.

ricky: Oh -

steve: Kiss on the lips?

ricky: Go on, look he's, look -

steve: Karl... Karl...!

karl: Get – off – me!

ricky: I have never–rr- Karl has gone a absolute shade of purple straining not to have Merchant's-

karl: There's no point, Steve.

ricky: No.

steve: What you talkin’ ‘bout?

karl: There's no point.

ricky: No, no just shake, just shake and make up.

steve: Shake what Rick?

ricky: There ya go, all friends, sit down. This, that's lovely, that's a lovely moment. Er, it's Xfm 104.9, and this is "Letter to Hermione" by David Bowie. It's beautiful.

ricky: "Letter to Hermione", by David Bowie. Well, after that I think he wrote "The Laughing Gnome".

steve: I know, it's just -- the thing about David Bowie, I feel the same way, it's like he's clearly a great, y'know, rock musician, great, y'know, great fun records, y'know, I saw him at Glastonbury, absolutely fantastic entertainer, but his songs have never gripped me, they've never got me at heart, y'know.

ricky: Except that one.

steve: Except that one--

ricky: Yeah, yeah. They’re all good. Yeah.

steve: That's the first one I've ever heard of his which has really got me in the gut. Amazing lyrics.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Brilliant. Karl what're your thoughts?

karl: S'alright.

steve: Yeah. You're a poet, Karl.

steve: Play something else then.

ricky: Blur, "Coffee and TV". Good to hear that one again.

steve: Yeah, it's good.

ricky: Before that, Radiohead, "True Love Waits". Well Steve, it's time for my world-famous film review.

steve: People love it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: How, can I just ask--

ricky: Go on

steve: Before you crack on with the film review, I notice you often do films that, people have already seen.

ricky: Well you see, that's what I mean, that's why I think your film review failed, because people didn't know what film you were talking about, they hadn't seen it.

steve: Yes.

ricky: See, whereas mine, I pick ones they've seen, y'know, that, that -

steve: Well a lot of people would say that, that the benefit of a film review, was the fact that they hadn't seen it yet so they were gonna make up their mind based on that review.

ricky: I dunno, I dunno who'd say that.

karl: I prefer Ricky's.

steve: OK.

ricky: See?

steve: Alright Karl, see there you are again, being nasty to me -

ricky: No– it's- he's got a choice!

steve: Alright anyway, so my point is that, how would you hope people would use your reviews?

ricky: Whatever they, however they want, really.

steve: Ok. Ok.

ricky: So...

steve: Would you hope that they'd maybe seen the film but they hadn't yet made up their mind?

ricky: Whether they liked it or not?

steve: Whether they liked it or not.

ricky: Well this is up, again, up to them, this is, y'know, this is for everyone. It’s easy -

steve: So if someone say had seen, 'cause I think, was it, you did er, one of your most famous ones I think was er, "One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Now that came out I think in 1975,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So maybe some people saw it in 1975, haven't yet made up their mind as to what they thought of it.

ricky: Yeah, now this is, this'll put 'em straight

steve: Sure.

ricky: In what to look for next time maybe.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Um, I've just, oh well, ready? Ricky Gervais Film Review...

steve: Sure

ricky: Review. Right? Chosen "Rain Man".

steve: "Rain Man"? OK, now this has been on TV quite a few times and it was a multiple Oscar winner.

ricky: Exactly!

steve: Ok.

ricky: So... OK. Right. Rain Man, it's got... Tom Cruise in it,

steve: Yup.

ricky: And he's alright, he's normal, but he finds out he's got a brother who's a bit mad, Dustin Hoffman is doing it, right, and it’s meant to be, he's all weird but he's meant to be, so it's good acting. Now, he - oh, God - he needs to keep his brother, but they don't want him to have a brother, and ... he doesn't remember a lot, but he dropped him in the bath and burned him when he was little, clumsy idiot. But then he finds out he can make a bit of money so they get the same suits, and they go "Bet two for good, one --" because he's got special powers, so he can know what the, what the roulette. And he wins that, and he drops some toothpicks, he knows how many there are, and he recognises the waitress he saw through the book. He's got all his football cards, don't put them out of order, don't go in the telephone box with him he smells, and get him back in time for "Jeopardy" or watch it. Anyway, then he'll slap his head and get worried, Qantas don't crash, so he's got a … all that, and in the end he doesn't, I don't think, but they'll … at least they've met each other.

steve: Yeah, yeah. 'course, "Rain Man", a film about autism, which is strangely appropriate, I think, when you're reviewing it.

ricky: Anyway...

steve: What would you give it out of er, ten?

ricky: Oh a nine.

steve: Ok. Thanks very much for that. Useful?

karl: Mm.

steve: Yeah? Have you seen the film before?

karl: No, but I, I will now.

steve: Ok, jolly good, well, excellent.

ricky: New Order, "60 Miles an Hour", on Xfm 104.9. Well about quarter of an hour to go.

steve: Yup.

ricky: Still got your Song for the Ladies.

steve: Song for the Ladies, coming up. Um, time now though, Rick, for Under the Covers! You've Got Me Covered! Cover Me Bad!

steve: Um, which is when we play a cover version of -

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Of er, a well known hit.

ricky: Just see the sort of effort that goes into this show.

steve: There's a lot of work!

ricky: We've learned something, we've learned the only bird with a, um, a penis is the swan,

steve: The swan.

ricky: We've had an interesting anecdote, what, where he saw Orville.

steve: I saw Orville. Keith Harris and Orville.

ricky: We - we've had a film review, "Rain Man".

steve: Informative.

ricky: Award-winning, an award-winning film I reviewed today.

steve: Yes, yes.

ricky: So...

steve: That was an Oscar-winner, Karl.

ricky: Ants, there's been things about ants.

steve: Ants never sleep.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If you missed the beginning you won't know that fact.

ricky: We've had various songs.

steve: Music.

ricky: And that.

steve: Beautiful.

ricky: So, carry on Steve.

steve: Cover Me Up. Um, The White Stripes, everyone's raving about them, Rick.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Um, they are an exciting band, and this is their cover of the Dolly Parton classic, "Jolene".

ricky: Love it already.

steve: White Stripes, and their version of "Jolene". What did you make of it Rick?

ricky: Loved it. Loved it. I wanna ask Karl a question though.

steve: Mmhm. Mmhm.

ricky: 'Cause Karl’s, sometimes in awe of this new-fangled world we live in. What, er, what do of the scenario, what do you think's going on there, 'cause it's a bloke singing to a woman begging her not to take his man. What, what do you think's going on there?

karl: Say again?

ricky: Well, that's a bloke there, singing, innit.

karl: Yeah, to his, to his uh, wife, Jolene.

steve: Right, were you, were you listening to the lyrics, or -

karl: Y'see, I, I got mixed up anyway, I thought it was about that, that one about the person who chucked himself off of a bridge. So I was thinking more about that than listening to that one.

ricky: Right, listen.

karl: Well go on.

ricky: Right - "Jolene Jolene, I'm begging of you, please don't take my man. Your flaming locks of auburn hair... even though you can, don't, he's all I've got, you're a beautiful woman, don't take my man, 'cause I can't compete with you”. Right?

karl: Yep.

ricky: What do you think's going on there though, 'cause y'know it's Dolly Parton singing it, we know what's going on, they're fighting over the same man aren't we?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What do you think's going on when a bloke's singing it to Jolene, what do you think of the scenario there?

karl: It's one of them names innit, that could be a bloke's name, it's like Leslie.

ricky: Oh Christ. OK sorry, it was a -

steve: I don't, I wish you'd not asked him that question

steve: So exhausting.

ricky: I love him. I love Karl.

steve: Do ants sleep Karl?

steve: Which, which bird's got a cock?

karl: Swan.

steve: A swan, Ok, nice one. Listen, I wanna play that song for various people who've, uh, emailed in and phoned in saying they want requests, we don't really play requests on the show. We like to mention them anyway, er, Matt Bar, Magicthighs ... er ... that's not Matt Bar's Magicthighs, that's Matt Bar and Magicthighs. Kieran in Dublin, Stewart in Hackney, Lisa and Alison in Crouchend, and Glen in Crystal Palace who was phoning up with a nice, uh, message earlier. All of you, thanks for listening, and er, thanks for enjoying it, sorry we didn't play your requests but er, tune in next time, it'll be fun. Um, anyway, that's just all I wanted to say really.

karl: It - it is tragic.

steve: What's tragic?

karl: What, what did you want me to say about that song?

ricky: Just your opinion, your own opinion is fine.

karl: It’s-

ricky: In fact, your own opinion is better than anything I could really hope for. Without doubt. Whenever I ask you a question,

steve: You constantly surprise us, Karl.

ricky: Yeah. You're – it’s – it’s wonderful. So only ever carry on telling the truth, carry on saying exactly what's on your mind, and I think this could become a great-

steve: You're like a man who was frozen in Victorian era,

steve: And has been re-awoken, and he’s kinda discovering the world. Some things make sense, other things don't. I's beautiful.

ricky: Yeah, as opposed to one that was made in a castle in Victorian times like Steve.

steve: Oh that's just-

ricky: Ahh, I've joined in with Karl.

steve: I can't believe it Rick!

ricky: I'm sorry.

steve: I thought you were on my side!

ricky: Yeah, no, it was irresistible though wasn't it? I'm really sorry. Shall we play a record?

ricky: Right, I'm afraid that is about it from us.

steve: Absolutely, um, I always leave the ladies with a song Rick, as you know, and the Song for the Ladies this week, again it comes from the free giveaway CD that comes with this excellent little magazine called "Comes With a Smile." And er, there's always something interesting and I played -

ricky: How're you spelling that?

steve: Ha. I've played, uh, The Mull Historical Society before, this is a track, it says it's just a demo, which is, I dunno why, if they haven't been picked up, it's outrageous. They're called Sloan and this is called "Pretty Together". See you next time.

ricky: Goodbye!

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