XFM Vault - S01E04 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Muse on Xfm 104.9.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Ricky Gervais show innit.

steve: With Steve Merchant.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, we're all here, Karl.

steve: Ooh the lads.

ricky: I can't wait.

steve: I can't believe it.

ricky: We've got some great stuff coming up Steve.

steve: What've you got planned?), I'm being honest.

steve: Go on.

ricky: There's some great tunes, we've got, aww, there's too many to mention.

steve: Don't mention them then.

ricky: Well, there's about 20 actually.

steve: Is there?

ricky: We could mention them.

steve: Looking forward to them.

ricky: I've got a brand new feature as well.

steve: Ok.

ricky: You know I do my film review.

steve: Loving it.

ricky: And we do "Run for the Covers", and "Song for the Lovers", got a new feature.

steve: Go on

ricky: "That Film Sounds Good".

steve: Right!

ricky: Not the film review, it's a track from a film.

steve: That's brilliant Rick.

ricky: Er, "That Film Sounds Good", something like that.

steve: Yeah, people will be desperately looking forward to that.

ricky: And there'll just be some chat as well.

steve: There'll just be some nattering, Karl, have we got anything to give away this week?.

karl: No.

steve: Oooh, that's a shame.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I quite like giving stuff away, makes me feel quite powerful..

ricky: You know in the week, are there any meetings, like, "Oh, what shall we give Ricky and Steve to give away?", 'cos I'll see lots of trailers for the breakfast show and that, or do they go "Who?", "Ricky Gervais, comes in Saturdays", "Saturdays? I don't work Saturdays", "No, but it's still on the air on Saturday", "Is it?".

steve: Who listens on a Saturday?

ricky: Yeah "Between 1 and 3 - ooh, that's the worst time isn't it?”

karl: They sort of hear you taking the micky out of what tickets you're given, and this week, you could have had Saint Etienne, but they said "No, we'll hold them back".

ricky: I love we're being punished.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But I tell you what we're being punished for - for being subversive and rock 'n' roll.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Is that a crime, Rick? I don't think so, high five.

steve: You've got to hit the hand or else.

ricky: Yeah I know.

steve: Otherwise it sounds embarrassing.

ricky: But you're a lot taller than me, aren't you.

steve: But, just...high five.

steve: Yes! Sweet.

ricky: Play a record.

ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club there and Love Burns, Xfm 104.9, we're really swinging now.

steve: We are.

ricky: So much better than last week.

steve: Last week was appalling, I don't want to talk about it.

ricky: Well, it wasn't too bad actually, apparently, no erm, I said "We were really off then, and Steve was hung-over, and I was tired, and we couldn't be bothered", and they were going "No, as good as any other week", which is pretty disappointing, isn't it, you want them to go "well I tell you what - it was the worst one ever, and it was still brilliant", as opposed to "It was one of the best!... But rubbish" Yeah, good, so we're going to really...

steve: We're going to up the ante today -.

steve: Come on Karl! Cheer up!

ricky: Let's make this, Karl, let's make this the best show ever.

steve: Alright, shall we have a big group hug.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Oh Karl, come round.

ricky: No, let's have a big group lick.

steve: Yeah. Karl come on...awww.

ricky: Awww look at his little face.

steve: Look at his face, you can see why the ladies love him, he's a cute guy.

steve: No, you're a cute guy - and I'm not having a go, no, I genuinely think you are, so don't have a go back at me.

ricky: Oh - I've got some news for you Steve.

steve: Go on.

ricky: Where is it.

ricky: Right, Company magazine are compiling a 50 most eligible bachelors feature-

steve: Ding dong

ricky: -for the May issue 2002, right, these are the requirements: single - that means available, not just unmarried; aged 20 to 30 - you're well in there.

steve: I'm straight in there.

ricky: Erm C erm D.

steve: Oy oy what was C.

ricky: C is ermm, it says "good looking", err.

steve: Fine, yeah, I'm eligible so far

ricky: And it says - ahh no, this is what rules you out probably, it says "Not necessarily Brad Pittesque", and you are a little bit.

steve: Ha well, so they say.

ricky: Must be British, and come from one of the following regions: London, South East, South West.

steve: That's me

ricky: I think they just name all the regions of Britain.

steve: Yes, they could just say "from Britain"

ricky: Erm , employ- sorry Karl, go on...

karl: Is there a height restriction, or anything like that.

steve: So what is this? Is this a serious thing?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What is it?.

ricky: It's the most eligible bachelor.

steve: This is so me - "do you know any boys who'd be suitable for us Company girls, past bachelors have included TV presenters, Dermot O'Leary..." hey - I'm in with Dermot O'Leary, he knows me, "Jamie Theakston".

ricky: Yeah, it's not the most eligible person who knows a bachelor.

steve: The models Rob Warrington and James Polanski.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The singers Linden David Hall, and Richard Blackwood. Wouldn't necessarily consider him a singer, err.

ricky: Controversial - he's having a dig at Blackwood.

steve: Hey, I'll tell you this.

ricky: Go on.

steve: I was watching the trailer for "The Farmer Wants a Wife", which is a show where I think farmers, 'cause obviously it's very difficult for them to meet women.

ricky: Want a wife?

steve: And I'm thinking "Hello, idea, Steve Merchant Wants a Wife".

ricky: It's not bad is it.

steve: It's a TV show.

ricky: Who sounds a bit like a farmer.

steve: Exactly, what I'm saying is, I don't mind the public voting for the woman, if that's how it happens, 'cos, you know, who cares? I'll have anything, whatever they can choose, fine, you know.

steve: Steve Merchant wants a farmer! Even better.

ricky: Steve Merchant wants it.

steve: Yes Steve Merchant wants it, I'm thinking, ermm, maybe the Bravo channel on cable, or ITV2, it's an idea, Rick, I'm just running it up the flagpole.

ricky: Yeah, we'll think about that, erm, phone...don't phone in, it's not worth it. Let's play some more music.

ricky: There is a Slim Shady in all of us, that was Eminem, Xfm 104.9, Steve.

steve: Yeah, I was just thinking, with Karl, he likes to have a little dig every so often about, you know, err, my success with the ladies, but I tell you, you'd have been proud of me last night, no listen, you'd have been proud of me. I was walking back from the shops, I was carrying 2 cans of weak lager - it was Friday night, Rick, time to go a bit crazy.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And there was this woman coming the other way who must have been 50, 55, staggering down the street, dressed in kind of rhinestone cowboy type outfit, really weird, never seen her before.

ricky: Parton? Was it Parton

steve: It wasn't Dolly, and she was staggering down the road, just "argh" just shouting, and this truck drove by, and she just went "Oyy! Come over here, come over here", and the car just drove by, whatever, and she walks over to me, and she saw me coming, saw the beer in my hand, she couldn't believe her luck, and she stopped, and she tried to stop me, and I stepped one way to try and go past her, she stepped there and blocked my way, so she blocked the other way, and she went "Come here, come here", like trying to motion, and I was really scared, it was like some.

ricky: You...you looked around and thought "Beggars can't be choosers"

steve: But this is... then for a minute I was thinking "Well, you know, it's Friday night".

steve: I'm in a mood to make whoopee, but, I thought it's probably best to avoid it, and I actually managed to run away, and avoid her, and she kept shouting at me as I was running down the road, "come with me, come with me", but I legged it. But, I was thinking, it was like some kind of Hansel and Gretel nightmare, you know what I mean - like an old lady in your way.

ricky: Yeah, you go in there, and there's loads of other people that look just like you.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: And they're getting very very thin.

steve: Exactly "We've been here for years."

ricky: In chains, yeah yeah.

steve: But I thought you would have been proud of me, there was, that was, a woman on a plate.

ricky: So to speak.

steve: And err, I just turned it down.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Exactly, you see - so not so desperate.

ricky: You went home and went "What have I done?"

karl: Seeing her again tonight then?

steve: Well, I'm just going to hang around by the offy, see what happens, you know.

ricky: Looking forward to Christmas?.

steve: Loving it, I'm always a big fan of Christmas actually, I'm not a bah-humbug type.

ricky: It's not far now is it, it's, err, this month now, is it?

steve: Is it?, is it December?

ricky: Is it the first?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Jeez.

ricky: Jeez - Jesus, yeah, brilliant.

steve: I was quite excited because this week in the papers, the Sun, and I think it was all the other papers actually, had the first of the giveaway TV supplements that comes, listing all the shows that are on.

ricky: Oh, I love them.

steve: But when they bring them out this early, you open it, and you think "oh I want to see what films are on" and stuff, and you open it, and about half of the listings are "to be confirmed". It's an utter waste of time, but it's like, who is planning their film and TV watching this early? It's a little bit early to be worrying about that.

ricky: Yeah, 3 weeks in advance, going "Oh I'd better not make any...", well unless it's an amazing thing on telly...

steve: "Are you coming to our party? We've got one, Friday 29th", "Err, I dunno, I've got to watch something on the TV, there's a good film", "What is it?", "Not been confirmed yet, but I'm just..."

ricky: "It's to be confirmed, but I can just say this - I won't be at the party", yeah.

steve: It's strange.

ricky: But I remember when I was little, my sister used to work in WH Smiths, and she used to come home every Thursday, she'd been paid, big bag of sweets, for me.

steve: Lovely

ricky: And the TV Times.

steve: The TV Times, of course, 'cos you're working class.

ricky: The TV Times.

steve: The Radio Times for a classier middle class gentleman like myself.

ricky: Yeah, but the bumper edition at Christmas, that's like 2 weeks of telly, I'd sit down, with my sweets, and we'd tick off all the things we were going to watch over the next 2 weeks.

steve: That's really tragic

ricky: Didn't happen, did it, 'cos of course I was squeezing around, hyper-active, making people play with my toys, and not watching telly really.

steve: But I bet if you'd watched any telly, it'd have been some really rubbish stuff, the whole family, all sat , I imagine, Denis Norden's Laughter File Volume 12, or whatever it is.

ricky: I don't think Denis Norden was going then.

steve: Whereas you see, we, in our house, of course we'd often just switch off the TV, we'd just perhaps listen to a concerto on Radio 3.

ricky: Ooh, yeah, we weren't allowed to turn the telly off, really.

steve: I don't know what a concerto is - I've just said that word. I assuming....

ricky: I know what a concerto is, it's like a, just a posh word for concert, innit?

steve: I think so.

ricky: Is it? What's a concerto?.

steve: Maybe it's one of those instruments, the kind of squeeze box..

ricky: That's a concertina, yeah.

steve: My Nan used to play a concertina.

ricky: Really?

steve: Yeah, I don't know if that's interesting to you, I don't know why you'd choose the concertina, of all the instruments to play, I mean it's not the sexi- it's only sailors normally play...

ricky: Well, my Nan used to have one, but she double it up as an iron lung.

steve: Nice.

ricky: Which was good, and so when she had a bit of an attack, we not only were warned, we had a little tune as well.

steve: That's beautiful could you play your gran?

ricky: You could play yeah, yeah. Once she had a bit of an accident, she said, sit down kids, and she had a corrugated neck.

steve: Ah of course

ricky: Where it had gone horribly wrong.It-

steve: Do-

ricky: Go on.

steve: What were you going to say?.

ricky: It's happening again, Steve.

steve: What's happening?.

ricky: It's going all wrong.

karl: Yeah

ricky: We're talking rubbish.

steve: Are we?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We should've played two in a row.

ricky: He's having a go isn't he!

steve: Blimey.

ricky: Gorillaz, Rock The House, Xfm 104.9.

steve: Who are you?.

ricky: Ricky Gervais, who are you?.

steve: Steve Merchant.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, nice, sweet.

ricky: Together again, I can't believe it.

steve: The old team

ricky: They said it'd never happen.

steve: Plus Karl, he presses the buttons.

ricky: Yeah, let's not draw attention...to him.

karl: A'right.

ricky: We were talking about squeeze boxes.

steve: Yes.

ricky: And it got me to thinking - what's happened to 'em.

steve: You don't see them.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? Instruments should be around forever, the piano-forte.

steve: Aha, it's a classic

ricky: As I call it, been around forever, they invented it, it's around, you know, the saxophone was only, I think, the 20s or 30s, but I can't imagine it going away..

steve: There's a number of instruments probably dying out.

ricky: Lute.

steve: The lute, the lute you rarely see now.

ricky: Except maybe on Men Without Hats.

steve: What's Men Without Hats?.

ricky: Or Marillion.

steve: Right.

ricky: Men Without Hats - "We can dance if we want to", and Pierre Trudeau's daughter was in that video.

steve: Who was that we saw in the sandwich shop yesterday?

ricky: Well...he might not want us...he might not want people to know he was in a sandwich shop.

steve: It's fine, it just shows that he's human.

ricky: Bruce Dickinson - he didn't recognise him, I went "Look, Bruce".

steve: Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden

ricky: Had no idea who he was.

karl: Little fella isn't he.

steve: He's really tiny, it was almost laughable, is he married? That'll annoy me.

ricky: You've just alienated yourself from a lot of heavy metal fans now.

steve: Ooh, I'm scared.

ricky: 'Cos he's pretty much of a guru.

steve: They never leave their bedrooms, Rick.

ricky: But they've got powers. They're putting crystals now on toads, and they're going to turn you into a....

steve: Ha ha, alright, don't start having a go!.

ricky: I wasn't having a go, I stopped myself, realising it wasn't much of a threat.

steve: Rick, what else is dying out?

steve: Pipes.

ricky: Pipes.

steve: You never see people smoking pipes.

ricky: Why don't you?

steve: Young people now not smoking pipes - you see old people, you're right, but kids, who've got to start taking up pipes, otherwise they're going to die out, the people of the older generation, they're going to die soon. I'm not smoking a pipe - I should be.

ricky: With pipes, though, was it the fashion that when you smoked, you started at a young age, and then carried on, or did you just start at 50?

steve: But, no, if you see, like, shots of professorial types from the 1930s, when they're at Oxbridge, they're always smoking pipes, in their tweed jackets.

ricky: Yeah

steve: That was when they started.

ricky: Yeah, but they still do - there's lots of things, that should die out in the rest of the world, carry on in Oxbridge colleges-

steve: But my point is-

ricky: -boaters.

steve: Alright, alright, all I'm saying is, not even in Oxbridge now, they're not even smoking pipes.

ricky: I bet there is someone.

steve: There's no one smoking pipes.

ricky: There is.

steve: Right I'd like to know if there's anyone listening, who's under the age of 30, that smokes a pipe regularly, and I don't mean like a crack pipe...

ricky: And I'll guarantee that they went to Oxford or Cambridge.

steve: Right, what's the number?

karl: 087001001234

steve: What's the email?

karl: [email redacted]

steve: Pipes are dying out, snuff, that's as good as gone.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, trilbys.

steve: My friend always said that if he won loads of money on the lottery, he'd like to try really hard to bring back, as a fashion accessory, the cape.

ricky: I quite like the cape.

steve: The cape's brilliant, 'cos you can mask your face with it, Dracula-like.

ricky: Yeah, you can have it off, but still on, and on, but still off.

steve: Exactly

ricky: Like a coat, if you drape it across your shoulders, can fall down...

steve: Karl - you're not a fan of the cape?! You're turning your nose up at the cape - that's a- madness!

karl: No pockets.

steve: Good point, you could have some kind of inner smugglers pocket.

karl: If they did that I'd buy one.

ricky: Well, I'll tell you what - That Sounds Good - It's "That Sounds Good", it's just gone half past, it's the new feature, "That Sounds Good"!

steve: I can't believe it - for a minute there, I was completely lost, remind me again, what's "That Sounds Good"?... No, hang on, it's "That Film Sounds Good"!

ricky: Oh Yeah! "That Film Sounds Good". Right, this isn't my famous film review, which I've got coming up, look forward to that - it's brilliant, it's quite a delicate subject, but I think I can deal with it sensibly.

steve: Really.

ricky: Ermm, this is "That Film Sounds Good".

steve: Remind us again what this feature is.

ricky: Well, I'm going to pick a song from a film, from the soundtrack, right. I'm choosing a song from Jackie Brown, great film.

steve: Yeah, brilliant film.

ricky: And this is "Across 110th Street", by Bobby Womack. It's fantastic.

steve: Wonderful song.

ricky: You'll only like this if you're really cool.

steve: Yeah, if you're really cool, like, say, us.

ricky: Ooh yeah, Bobby Womack, Across 110th Street. It's great isn't it?

steve: That's a lovely feature actually), and that's the first feature - wooh - "That Film Sounds Good".

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: I'm thinking of actually bringing out a compilation of song for the lovers.

steve: I'd love to hear it. What sort of things can we expect to hear in the future? 'Cos I know you're a big fan - this is brilliant - he bought, right, the soundtrack to the film Braveheart, which is just big orchestrated numbers-

ricky: James Horner

steve: -and as far as he's concerned, that's classical music.

ricky: He's got a classical music CD in his collection - it's the music from Braveheart.

ricky: Ohh, ohh, I just sit there, and I think, "I'd probably lead my people's...".

steve: He's obsessed with Braveheart, he actually relates to William Wallace, he actually thinks, "yeah that's the sort of thing I'd be doing".

ricky: Yeah, it is, no.

steve: What was it you were working out to the other day, as well? You know he's got a personal, like, gymnast, or whatever it is.

ricky: Arrgg god!

steve: What's it called - it is it a gym expert, a trainer, you've got a personal...

ricky: No, I box with this bloke…

steve: Yeah, he goes boxing in, like, some underpass somewhere.

steve: Right, every day.

karl: No way.

steve: Every single day.

ricky: Not every day.

steve: He goes boxing, right, and what was it...what did you tell me you were training to this week?

ricky: Oh god, oh this…

steve: What music did you have on?

ricky: Oh my god. I have actually - now I never do this - but I have actually gone red, haven't I?.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Right.

steve: It's very hard to embarrass Ricky Gervais.

ricky: I was working out, and training, and boxing- you're going to have to play a record after this- to the Rocky soundtrack..

steve: To the Rocky soundtrack - he's bought, right, a CD which has got the best music from all of them - now was it "Eye of the Tiger", or was it...

ricky: It's starts with Eye of the Tiger, then it goes, "Hearts on fi-ire", then it goes "dun dun duga dun", that's "de de daah, de daah".

steve: Does any of your training, with your trainer, does it ever involve you running through snow, with a log chained to your back, like in Rocky 4?

ricky: Yeah, and I often have to help Russian peasants, 'cos their carthorse has fallen over.

steve: Of course.

ricky: But I lift it up, whereas the other fella's training in posh gyms having injections - I'm not, I'm just like, breaking rocks, and punching dead cows.

steve: Where'd you get that from ?!

karl: That was handy wasn’t it?

steve: Put it on.

ricky: What is it?.

steve: He can't hear, put your headphones on.

ricky: Why was it?

steve: You'll love it, you'll love it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's magnificent. That's now Ricky Gervais' theme tune. Every time we start the show, we should just start with that.

ricky: Win Ricky, win.

ricky: U2, Walk On, got to give it to them, I hated U2 for about 15 years.

steve: You've said that before, Rick , you've said it before.

ricky: I know, I know, but I love that one now, I just love that album, ohh, can't put a foot wrong now.

steve: Do you ever listen to the whole album? 'Cos I know you tend to buy albums just for the singles, when of course, you could just buy the singles.

ricky: I know where is going - I bought Lyte Funky Ones.

steve: Ohh, I wanted to say that!

ricky: I bought Lyte Funky Ones 'cos I-

ricky: The Lyte Funky Ones, do you remember The Lyte Funky Ones, that was about like a year ago, what did they do - they did “Girl in a Green Dress”, a “Girl on TV” and err Abercrombie & Fitch

steve: Yeah that one that goes "Summertime at Abercrombie & Fitch, the girls are wearing..." Do you remember that?

steve: It was a light sort of summer, nonsense.

ricky: Listen, I've got a lot of money - it's nothing to me, ok.

steve: The Lyte Funky Ones

ricky: I want a bit of The Lyte Funky Ones once, that's 15 quid, it's nothing to me.

steve: He put the two singles on, right, never listened to the rest of the album.

ricky: I never listened to the two singles again, either.

steve: The Lyte Funky Ones.

ricky: Ohh, my street cred's gone down hasn't it - the Rocky soundtrack, and The Lyte Funky Ones - you make two mistakes...

steve: Rick, let's not forget Braveheart, the soundtrack.

ricky: Oh yeah, it's a good film.

steve: Rick we were talking earlier about-

ricky: True film about a little Australian, freed the Scottish.

steve: -the stuff that's dying out, that I think you and I single-handedly need to resurrect and salvage. I thought the trilby was dying out.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Watching Top of The Pops last night, Jamiroquai was wearing one, and lo and behold, Danii Minogue came on, and she had one as well, I thought "Blimey there's two people there trying to salvage the trilby, and good luck to them".

ricky: Really, well that's on it's way then, let them do that.

steve: The trilby's fine.

ricky: Let’s do summat else.

steve: But, the bowler hat...you never see the bowler.

ricky: Ahh the bowler hat - I've always fancied myself in a bowler hat.

steve: I'd love a bowler hat, Karl, would you wear a bowler hat? I know you'd wear the cape.

karl: I did wear a trilby.

ricky: You... really? You must have looked like a...

steve: That's brilliant, what, 'cos you're a Mancunian?.

karl: Well, there was a phase wasn't there in about 90...what was it?

steve: I think that was just round your way.

karl: It might'a been, it was in Manchester.

ricky: They got a job lot of trilbies, and persuaded you kids. "Eer are, I tell ya what's trendy now - Shaun Ryder wears one o' these." "Does 'e?", "Yeah, go on, yeah quid". And then everyone in your street had trilbies on.

steve: But you've never worn a bowler?

karl: Never.

steve: What about Kangol bowler?

karl: If they 'ad one, again, I...

ricky: I tell you what, I would like to wear a bowler hat, but I'm worried I'd look like one of those little fellas off the Homepride advert.

steve: The Homepride guys - they've been persevering with the bowler for years.

ricky: They still look good in it though, don't they?

steve: They're still looking goof, they're dapper guys. There's a lot of...the Jolly Green Giant, he had quite a distinctive look, which is obviously what I've been thinking of exploiting.

ricky: What the, oh I know, the little, oh like a little dress.

steve: Was it corn cobs that made up his little skirt?

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: What was the Jolly Green Giant so jolly about? He was very pleased - it can't have just been the sweet corn and the peas.

ricky: No, I reckon it was his enormous jolly green knob. I mean he must have gone down and said "look at that".

steve: Ho ho ho.

ricky: He must have been so happy.

steve: The only thing that, in the case of the Jolly Green Giant, or, like when Gulliver was a giant, and he was in Lilliput, and all the Lilliputians, they were helping him, they were feeding him and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If you're a giant like that, in that situation, how do you, sort of have a, little sneaky, you know.

ricky: Tug?

steve: A little tug, a little J Arthur Rank?

ricky: I don't know.

steve: It's very difficult to do that secretly.

ricky: Cos you're as big as their mountains aren't you.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: You can't hide, they go, oh.

karl: Well...pff..yeah, all the little village just thought it was a tidal wave or something, you know what I mean?

steve: That's pretty grim though, I mean, a tidal wave's pretty desperate. I mean how would he have gone to the mayor and said "I need a Kleenex the size of a tennis court, and a gigantic copy of the Daily Star".

karl: You know what I never understood with giants? How they actually got that big in the first place, 'cos what food was around to make 'em, because not only were they, like, big big, but they were muscly big, like they ate well.

ricky: They ate whole cows probably.

steve: Karl, Karl, you know...

ricky: It's not well documented, Karl.

steve: You know they don't actually exist, and never have?

karl: Mmm.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Right, it's time for a feature, I think.

steve: Oh ohhh - Karl I've got to say...there was a TV show I watched once on the History channel, this is the History channel, it was the history of werewolves, right, the history of werewolves, and the whole show was like predicated on the fact that at the end - we'll tell you if they ever existed or not.

ricky: Yeah, just waiting, they go "Come on we're gonna be late, hold on, he's going to tell us if they existed or not".

steve: Exactly. Karl, werewolves?

ricky: Michael Aspel was in it, and Michael Aspel is a top broadcaster, and therefore would not associate himself with something that did not exist.

steve: "Under the Covers" time gents, cover me up, cover me bad, run for cover, here come the covers, mmm covers, I like cover songs.

ricky: This is a cover version.

steve: Yeah. This is from an album which is a bit hit and miss, as these things often are, it's different artists covering the songs of Leonard Cohen. You've got the Pixies on there, REM, Nick Cave, different people. This, bizarrely, is Lloyd Cole, not someone I'm normally a fan of.

ricky: I like Lloyd Cole.

steve: Doing a version of the fantastic Leonard Cohen song, Chelsea Hotel, play it Karl, it's beautiful.

ricky: Ahh, this is fantastic.

steve: Lloyd Cole, doing his version of Chelsea Hotel.

ricky: Shhhooo “Under the Covers”.

steve: “Under the Covers”, I thought it was a beautiful version.

ricky: It's lovely, really nice.

steve: You know I think that song, written by Leonard Cohen originally, I think it's about his brief romance with Nico, who made her name, of course, with the Velvet Underground, and was a tragic drugs victim. It's interesting, 'cos I'm looking at this, this is a compilation called "I'm Your Fan", which is cover songs of Leonard Cohen's music, and there's people on there, REM, Nick Cave, who are still going, there's a couple of names you don't tend to hear of that often, now - the House of Love.

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: Rarely hear them, That Petrol Emotion.

ricky: Oh yeah, yeah

steve: That Petrol Emotion, who else we got on here - it says Robert Forster, now is he a musician, or is it...

ricky: Well if you know who Robert Forster is...I thought he was a writer.

steve: The Lilac Time. They're on there as well.

ricky: You can't just say the name of a band and laugh.

steve: You can if it's The Lilac Time.

ricky: Well, we were...

steve: Did I tell you before, my friend and I once listed words we thought should be rude but aren't, like cassock, and-

ricky: Yeah, bollards.

steve: -and he always pointed out "The Blow Monkeys".

ricky: Yeah, it could be very rude, but isn't.

steve: It isn't.

ricky: That could be a new feature couldn't it? We're featured up, aren't we?

steve: Aren't we, this is brilliant.

ricky: Yeah but, we've still got the film review to come, Song For The Lovers is coming up in a few minutes.

steve: Song For the Ladies.

ricky: Yeah Song For the Ladies, and what else have we got?

steve: If I can squeeze in a hip-hop track, I'd love to do it.

ricky: Yeah, that's called "Our Hip-hop Track Bit".

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Ahh, it's just amazing.

steve: Shall we have a classic song, Rick?

ricky: What are you thinking of?

steve: Oh, I don't know, maybe something by, Nirvana?

ricky: Well, there's, their biggest classic you mean?

steve: Ideally.

ricky: Smells Like Teen Spirit.

ricky: It's going well, isn't it?

steve: I'm enjoying it, I'm enjoying it.

ricky: Well, I'm looking forward to Pop Idol.

steve: Pop Idol, I've not been watching it.

ricky: You're joking!

steve: No, I don't know what's happening really, I've lost interest.

ricky: Ahh, well it is like most things, the preliminary rounds, that's when all the real freaks and no hopers, but sometimes I watch those things, and I laugh, and I think "Oh, I shouldn't be laughing", 'cos he's not just rubbish, he's verging on the mentally ill, you know what I mean? Some of those people that go along, you think "Who told you to go along - what were you thinking?"

steve: Well it's the fact that there was no one to stop them going, that's what's more terrifying.

ricky: Yeah, I know, and Simon Cowell's good, ohh.

steve: He's great value.

ricky: Ohh, he's amazing, and Foxy - I like Foxy now, he's come round Dr Fox, he's a lovely little shiny tree trunk of a man.

steve: Now often I notice he's not there, week in week out, is that because he's off doing medical, ah, operations?

ricky: He's got his practice still.

steve: He's got his practice, got to maintain that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Isn't it the big one tonight?

ricky: C-Capital, is still on, Ca-Ca-Capital Radio, that he's got to do.

steve: Isn't it some of the big names though - it's Darius Dinesh tonight.

ricky: It's Darius and the fat boy, the big thing that makes you...

steve: Who I notice in the Sun today is saying vote for me 'cos of my musical talent, not because I'm huge, and you feel sorry for me.

ricky: Well that's good, I think that's right, he has got a great...

steve: Darius, I notice, has shaved his beard off.

ricky: He looks...he's a new man.

steve: He looks slightly laughable though, he's got quite a weak chin.

ricky: He's having a laugh - he's dissing Darius, with his looks.

steve: Well? I'm not claiming to be a pop star.

ricky: Well...

steve: Oh, can you feel the love in the room?

ricky: Yeah hey, let's have a little song. No, I'm looking forward to it. My favourite all the way through has been the little fellow with the stutter, I'd like Darius to get through.

steve: Yeah, I think it's almost certain he's going to win, I don't think there's any excitement in it.

ricky: I think so, or that Welsh girl, who was very good, the one who made Pete Waterman cry - that was great.

karl: She was good though wasn't she.

ricky: Great, they're really good, but, you know, it would be nice to see fatty get something.

steve: He's too lar- he's just a weird shape though - it turns my stomach, and I'm one to talk.

ricky: Hey, steady on.

steve: I know, he's just doing his job.

ricky: It's just, you know, glandular - it's not it's greed. But he's got a good voice, and why not.

steve: Good luck to him.

ricky: We've had Demis Roussos in the charts, Alison Moyet.

steve: There's not been a fatty for a while, has there, who's been a big star.

ricky: Err

steve: I mean Moyet may well have been the last one.

karl: Geri, Geri wotsit, she sorted herself out after becoming famous, she was pretty big wasn't she.

ricky: Who?

steve: Geri Haliwell?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, she was never a bloater - have you seen this bloke of Pop Idols? It's like he's got three Geri Haliwells strapped to his waist, and then wearing a big coat over the top.

ricky: To smuggle them in, to a "No Haliwell Zone".

steve: I tell you what he what he's going to do, I reckon he's going to take it off, and it's just a big fat outfit, and it was, like, to prove the prejudice of the world.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Alright.

ricky: Yes. And how come that little fella with the stutter doesn't stutter when he's singing - hold on - hold on.

steve: I notice that's cleared up hasn't it.

ricky: I bet she's not even Welsh.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: And apparently, Darius, is not a knob.

ricky: Dandy Warhols on Xfm 104.9. It's about 20 past 2, the Ricky Gervais show.

steve: With Steve Merchant.

ricky: Yeah, he's still here.

steve: The Christmas ads have come on I notice, they're on now, and I notice, watching telly last night - do you think that the advertising executive for Cadbury's Roses chocolates just comes in once a year, and they go "What you got this year?", and he goes, "What about some workmen and some old ladies singing 'Thank you very much, thank you very very much'?, just shot in a street somewhere", "Yeah, that'll be fine, it worked last year". Every...that's been going, like, since I can remember. I've never seen another advert for Cadbury's Roses except for that.

ricky: Exactly, well there's certain things that conjure up Christmas, like, you got your turkey and all that, you got your Roses.

steve: Woolworth's.

ricky: Yeah... pizza.

steve: Ha ha, pizza, Woolworth's, drink driving...oh dear, I forgot what I went in for.

ricky: What are we doing? We were doing something - be careful. There's a lot of money involved here, Steve, don't stitch me up.

steve: I was reading in the paper this week that Charlotte Church, you know, little singing sensation - she's been slagging off the firemen, who've been salvaging people, and rescuing...

ricky: No she hasn't been slagging them off, be careful - what did she actually say?.

steve: No, I saw on the news that apparently, and she claims she's been misinterpreted, but the channel 5 news thought this was a big enough story, to say that Charlotte Church had been saying that the September 11 tragedy had been blown out of proportion.

ricky: Right, that's different to slagging off the firemen.

steve: No, but that's what they said, they said she felt they were being held as heroes, and they were just doing their job.

ricky: Right, oh well that, that's a little bit stupid to say, a little bit insensitive, and, yeah.

steve: But did you read about...

ricky: Why do you care, why does anyone care.

steve: But who asked her?)

ricky: What she thinks about September 11th anyway. It's the same as those things like, during a presidential election, or one of our elections - "Billie Piper says - I've always voted Labour", who's gonna go out and say "Ooh hold on, H from Steps, he's a Conservative, what's going on". I don't know if he is or not, you know, that was just an example.

steve: I know that Fay-

ricky: I don't know what either of them vote to be honest, alright, let's not get into it.

steve: I think Fay and Clare from Steps are both BNP members, I can't...I remember reading that somewhere.

ricky: That's so not true.

steve: I can't be certain, cannot be certain.

ricky: That's so not true, he takes that back now, right, that is definitely untrue.

steve: I read it on the net, and it's often wrong on the net.

ricky: Right, definitely, definitely, he's going to retract that now, aren't you.

steve: Yeah, well, I'm saying, it's almost certainly untrue, I read it on the net.

ricky: Oh right.

steve: And those things are always untrue.

ricky: Ok, alright - he's dissed the net now! You've dissed the net, I can't believe it. Let's dig ourselves out of this hole now.

steve: Now, I definitely can quote this, 'cos I read it in the Sun, Blue were being interviewed by...you know the pop band, Blue. "All rise". Have you bought that album yet, Rick? I imagine that would be on your Christmas list.

ricky: No not yet, I like.

ricky and steve: "One for the money and the, free ride".

steve: Anyway, Blue were being interviewed by the Sun, by the lovable Dominic Mohan, and, for some reason they got round to September 11th, and one of the members of the band, Blue, said, again, Church-like, "I think it's been blown our of all proportion, what about all the whales and elephants that are dying every day?"

ricky: Oh yeah, and the others in the band were going "Shut up, shut up".

steve: Yeah, it was brilliant, they gave a transcript of it, going "Shut up".

ricky: Yeah, they had to do a retraction, he said "Sorry, I didn't"...what was it?

steve: Yeah, he said "Obviously I'm very passionate about whales and elephants, and perhaps a bit misplaced - all the proceeds that I'll receive from our next single, I'm going to give to the September 11th foundation”.

ricky: Yeah, and then he went "Can I give some to the whales?" and they went "You've done it again - don't worry about the whales".

steve: This is what I mean! Why are people asking the members of Blue, or Atomic Kitten, what they think about September 11th?

ricky: I know.

steve: They should just be working in a chippy, those people, they're lucky to be on the telly!

steve: The Atomic Kitten girls though, really, do they not look like they should be in a chip shop, or just hanging around outside an offy, drinking Diamond White Cider.

ricky: They will be soon, they will be soon, don't worry, although Hear'Say's new single, I've dissed Hear'Say before, but they've come up with a little poppy thing, I think it'll be alright.

steve: Shall I surprise you, Rick, I prefer Liberty.

ricky: I prefer Liberty as well.

steve: A little bit funky, a little bit down with the kids.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, anyway Xfm 104.9.

steve: Once again, our opinions on current pop bands, if you'd like to have your...

ricky: Hold on though.

steve: Shoot.

ricky: Isn't it about time for, you know, a hip-hop track.

steve: Have we got it? Can you dig it out?

karl: “Song For The Lovers” would be good.

ricky: Oh oh, no, I'll do that now. Now this is a beautiful song, it's by Simon and Garfunkel, it's only 1 minute 49 long, it's called "April Come She Will", it's a Song For The Lovers.

steve: Play it Rick.

ricky: April Come She Will, Simon and Garfunkel, isn't that beautiful?

steve: Beautiful little song.

ricky: See I'd quite like to put out a compilation of Song For The Lovers, but I'm worried, obviously the title's ironic, we're taking the micky out of those things, but, quite serious about all the songs we play.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: I'm worried people would see it like Simon Bates' "Our Tune", or something.

steve: Steve Wright's "Sunday Love Songs".

ricky: Yeah, yeah, but...

steve: That was lovely. When you think, you listen to some dance track, you buy it, and it's about 5 minutes long, the same thing, repetitive beats, and then you hear that, a minute and a half, classic.

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Have I made my point, Rick?.

ricky: I think so, yeah, ooh, youngsters of today.

steve: If anyone knows what my point was there, please give us a call.

ricky: Yeah, phone in, and he's made it well.

steve: Karl, what have you got lined up for us?

karl: Some REM.

ricky: Strokes on Xfm 104.9, it's the Ricky Gervais show, with me, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: The "K Man"!

ricky: Well, it's time...I think people wait for this, now...I never knew, really, since I was doing the show, that I actually have a knack for film reviews.

steve: Right

ricky: Do you know what I mean? 'Cos.

steve: Discovered talent

ricky: Yeah, I'll probably be asked soon by Barry Norman, or Jonathon Ross to do something, or maybe my own film show, I don't know, TV or-

steve: Mmm, mmm, the clock's ticking - it's only a matter of time.

ricky: Anyway, ok, this week I've chosen, err.

steve: Well, wait a minute, let's play the jingle...

ricky: Ok... "The Film Review, and that".

steve: Brilliant

ricky: "Ricky Gervais", yeah? There we go. This week, I've chosen "My Left Foot", ok. Now, "My Left Foot" is a film about a bloke called Daniel Day-Lewis, who's all mental, except for his left foot, right, but, and he has arguments - I can't remember it - he has an argument with his Dad or something, I can't remember, I wasn't watching it properly, but, even though he's mental apart from the foot, he does stuff with the foot, that we can do all over, he uses that to his best, I think he might write a book or something, or paint. And the moral of this story is, you know, even if you've only got a foot that works, you can still win prizes, 'cos it won the Oscar.

steve: Ok, erm, am I right in saying you're bringing a book out of these collected...maybe for the Christmas market?

ricky: I think I might, yeah.

steve: Yeah, yeah, obvious market there.

ricky: Great films reviewed - it's a different outlook on it.

steve: Mmm, mmm, a different approach,

ricky: I don't just sort of say.

steve: Well I tell you what, it's an approach that doesn't really use grammar.

steve: Which you don't see that often in film reviews, but no, once again, what would you give it out of 10?

ricky: Errr, as I say, I didn't concentrate, I can't really remember a lot about it, but it won an Oscar, so, I think it won an Oscar, or summat, so, 9.

steve: Ok, jolly good, well that was My Left Foot, which is probably available on sell through video, maybe in a bargain bin, 5.99, probably on TV this Christmas, that's "To be confirmed".

ricky: Eels, Fresh Feeling, on Xfm 104.9, oh, it's going well isn't it?

steve: I'm enjoying it, yeah.

ricky: 20 minutes to go, I think, more of an up show, we've had some great hits, great songs, we've had some great features - a new feature: That Film Sounds Good.

steve: Looking forward to it.

ricky: That'll run and run. “Song For The Lovers”, if there's any record companies out there want to put out a compilation, of my “Song For The Lovers”, that's good, anyone who wants me to do a film, anything, any film you want.

steve: Yeah “reviewed”

ricky: Yeah reviewed, ermm, oh we finished the sentence?

steve: Well, ideally, 'cos otherwise it was "Anyone who wants me to do a film", where of course, being a top actor, you'd have probably appeared in the film.

ricky: Oh ok, sure, ok, yeah, and that...

steve: Jolly good...You're running out of steam I can tell.

ricky: Running out, go on.

steve: Karl, have you seen it yet? I know you probably haven't, Rick, Cliff Richard's video for his new single?

karl: Yep.

steve: It's amazing isn't it? I saw it on Lorraine Kelly in the morning, Sky One, great show, and ermm and it's amazing - he's done a version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

ricky: Ohhh no!

steve: But he's combined that with, what is it, Oh What A Wonderful World.

karl: I wasn't really listening, I was looking at the pictures an' that, I couldn't believe...

steve: It's What A Wonderful World, combined with Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

ricky: So he's done a...

steve: Two classic songs, two songs that have been done definitively by artists in the past, he tried to combine them, with a kind of Yamaha keyboard sound in the background.

ricky: What was his last year's one? It was Lord's Prayer with Auld Lang Syne.

steve: He's just obsessed with combining two songs, like they're not good enough as they are, "People'll get bored, we'd better combine them".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's like a megamix, like a Cliff megamix. Anyway, the video, is unbelievable, it's him flying through - it's all sort of 2D animation, almost a collage of buildings and hi-rise flats and that - kids see him floating by, they wave, they point to each other, they can't believe their luck, "There goes Sir Cliff".

ricky: They're going "Who's that?" "He was around in the 50s".

steve: And it's a little one dimensional Cliff with an angelic glow flying through the sky, just bringing happiness to people as he sings.

ricky: He does.

steve: His real face, every so often, appearing, and singing.

ricky: I wonder where his real face is?

steve: And it's one of the worst songs, and one of the worst videos I've ever seen. I know people slag off Cliff, and it's an easy target, but he actually deserves it, 'cos he's shameful, he's embarrassing, and he's arrogant.

ricky: Yeah, well everything's a disguised boast, I mean, I liked Devil Woman, I liked Miss You Nights, I liked Wired For Sound, and I like tall speakers and small speakers.

steve: "I like tall speakers."

ricky: I like all sizes of speakers, you know that, you'll vouch for me on that, and he sang about it, which was good, and I'm often wired for sound, right - Carrie doesn't live here anymore, where's she gone? She's just another message on a payphone wall. It's a story, but, lately, I haven't had a lot of time for him.

steve: Awful.

ricky: I remember he was on one chat show, I think it was Des, or Michael Aspel, and they said "So you had...", he said "Yeah, well, everyone knows that Elvis sold more records after his death, that when he was alive", little dig there against Elvis, "Well I've just overtaken his record for sales in the UK". Right, so he sets up that Elvis is only selling 'cos he's dead, "And anyway I've still beaten him...in the UK". And I just think, yeah, and where did you get the quiff from, and the way to sing, where'd you get that from, Cliff? Where did you think of that?

steve: Well it's these people... he's just desperate for the credibility that he's never going to have.

ricky: I like it when he went going "They're not playing my record, they're not playing my record, they're not...", "Oh go on play it"...Number 1... "Hah fooled you".

steve: Yeah, it was number 1, The Millennium Prayer.

ricky: I know, well it was the Millennium, wasn't it?

steve: It was, but I don't know who's buying it - you seem to claim it's 60 year old women, but they're not...are they really a commercial force?

karl: Yes.

steve: Are they? Karl seem to know that.

karl: Well...like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again, and you go though the same phases, so when you're young, you buy singles, you get old, you've got nothing to do all day, go to your pension money - "What will I buy?", Cliff Richard's on the telly, "Here's me video, buy me song"

ricky: You see, that started off as quite a sensible point, 'cos I actually think they do, but what was all that alien stuff about "When you're born you go wrinkly, and you go wrinkly again...", sometimes, you mix, like, normal things that human beings say, with I don't know what.

karl: Well look, when you're a baby, you've got a little bald head, no teeth, you get old - what happens?

steve: Are you a philosopher, are you an official philosopher?.

steve: 'Cos, I mean, it sounds like it. Oh Karl, play a record - you're a gem, you're a diamond.

ricky: Xfm 104.9, good to hear the Happy Mondays again. We're nearly through.

steve: We are indeed.

ricky: We've had a little bit of chat, we've had a few laughs, we've had a few tears. We've introduced a new feature - soon it's just going to be wall to wall features, isn't it? It's going to be- Aww.

steve: Well I had an idea for a feature, which you didn't seem to like.

ricky: What?

steve: Which was "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue"

ricky: Right, explain it, and...

steve: Yeah, "something old", an old song, "something new", a new song, "something borrowed", a cover version, "something blue", just some melancholy and beautiful song.

ricky: Right, but does it have to be all four, or can it be any one?

steve: No, it's all four, you can play that over the course of the show, or maybe you can play four songs in a row, and that's that section.

ricky: Ohh, so the feature would be, this is either an old song or a new song - I think we've done that a few times.

steve: No, it's not...

ricky: We've covered that.

steve: Well what's the difference?! "Ooh I'm playing a song from a film" - just 'cos you give it a title! It's just a song from a film, you could play that anyway, couldn't you.

karl: Brilliant though.

steve: It's all nonsense.

ricky: You've see...cheers Karl, brilliant, yeah, my ideas are good aren't they?

karl: Mmm

ricky: 'Cos they're not only, accessible, but there's a little bit of depth there.

karl: I think it's fair enough to let him have his little feature at the end of the show though, you know what I mean, just keep him happy, “Song For The Lovers” coming up.

ricky: Ooo excellent, yeah but that's not till after Song 2, by Blur.

steve: I remember the days when Karl didn't even want to be on the air, I remember the days when he was told by the establishment that he wasn't allowed to talk on the air, and now, it's like, as far as he's concerned, he's a third member of the team.

ricky: He's protected, by me.

steve: Yeah, right.

karl: Cheers.

ricky: Cheers.

ricky: Song 2 by Blur, we're running out of time, it's 5 to, just got time for Steve's “Song For The Ladies”.

steve: Wedding Present, Rick, from the album Saturnalia, I think it's pronounced, and it's track three, Dream World, a Song For The Ladies.

ricky: Looking forward to it, goodbye.

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