XFM Vault - S01E06 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Strokes, "Last Night," on XFM, 104.9. Ricky Gervais Show.

steve: With Steve Merchant.

ricky: Definitely, definitely.

steve: Ahoy!

ricky: And little Karl Pilkington. Over there.

steve: Little KP, the K-man.

ricky: Steve,

steve: Yes.

ricky: Don’t worry anymore.

steve: Uh, Ok.

ricky: I’ve procured some great gifts to give away. I was tired,

steve: Really?

ricky: Of seeing all these other people gettin’ gifts and that,

steve: Yup.

ricky: And who was goin’ to that, uh, O’Dodell, and um, O’Diddley,

steve: Diddley O’Diddley, yeah.

ricky: And uh, uh, Anderson and Sturgess – well she’s, at least she steals ‘em herself.

steve: Well at least she, she steals ‘em herself to sell ‘em, to feed the habit, and that’s

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Fine, I don’t mind that!

ricky: No!

steve: ‘Cause it’s industrious.

ricky: Exactly. But I have got, Feeder, Echo Park, I’ve got The Essential Bob Dylan, now that is a good giveaway,

steve: That’s a great giveaway.

ricky: And, Reloaded 3.

steve: Where’ve you, did – did you buy these yourself?

ricky: No, little Karl found ‘em.

steve: Let me, I have to say, Karl, you’ve done an absolute dynamite job here, mate. This is great prizes!

ricky: And I thought we could play that trivia quiz, where we, we’re the challenge.

steve: Right.

ricky: They, if they get someone to catch us out, maybe, or summat, the questions, like there,

steve: You’ve confused me slightly, explain again?

ricky: Well we could play a little trivia quiz, couldn’t we.

steve: Right.

ricky: And, then, we could, sell the fish.

ricky: To cut out the middle –

steve: Use the words that you need –

ricky: Man,

steve: To complete the sentence, Rick.

ricky: And, then, we could do the – play – this –

steve: W-what’s the quiz?

ricky: I don’t know.

steve: You’ve not thought this through!

ricky: No!

ricky: Coldplay, and Yellow.

steve: You’ve got to keep talkin’, Rick, we’re on the radio!

ricky: Have I? I got bored.

steve: Did you?

ricky: Xfm 104.9.

steve: Yeah, with Steve Merchant.

ricky: What I was sayin’ was,

steve: Yes.

ricky: We could have a little trivia quiz, right. This is how it works: they’re phone in, yeah, right, and they’re pitch a question to us two, right. We won’t know it, they’ll tell Karl, and Karl write down the answer, yeah, or, on his email, right, and then it might be summat like um, Ooh, uh, who was the, uh, first woman MP? And, he’ll write down the answer, and he’ll go, Ok, Steve, Ricky, who’s the first woman MP? We’ll write it down, you know, and you’ll write down summat like the Queen,

steve: Yup.

ricky: And I’ll write down, Britney Spears,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he’ll go, Well Ricky says Britney Spears, and the answer is – dada, you see?

steve: Yes. Yesyesyesyes.

ricky: And then, whoever’s –

steve: So, do they phone in or do they, can they email as well?

ricky: They can email as well, Steve!

steve: Right. Ok. So let me just try and clarify this, ‘cause I didn’t really follow that, and I know what the competition is.

ricky: Right!

steve: Um, people listening, phone in or email in with a question, a trivia question, it could be about anything. Right?

ricky: I don’t do game shows.

steve: But, but one which we may be able to get, right. They phone in with that, or they email it it, but only Karl knows the answer, he asks us here in the qu, the studio, the question, Ricky and I write it down independently, we hand it to Karl, we’ll see who’s got the right answer.

ricky: It’s like 15 to 1, but 2 to, 1.

steve: And the great thing is, that the best question, that we’ll vote on at the very end of the show, can win these 3 CDs. We’ve got Feeder, Echo Park, The Essential Bob Dylan – that’s a 2 CD set, Rick.

ricky: Maybe keep the questions highbrow, to show our intellect. Not things like pop and trivia and telly and

steve: Good idea. And we’ve also got this big compilation Reloaded 3, that’s also a 2 CD compilation.

ricky: Well start phoning and emailing now!

steve: Phoning, emailing your trivia

ricky: Go mental. Go bezerk. Absolutely go bezerk.

steve: Questions, For Gervais, and Merchant.

ricky: I’m best at science.

steve: Well don’t start giving things,

ricky: Well don’t say that!

steve: That’s not fair ‘cause I’ll say I’m best at films! If they want me to win.

ricky: Yeah, but I’ve already said don’t do trivia and entertainment and that.

steve: Well they should do,

ricky: Don’t! No!

steve: They should do trivia and entertainment, music and films is what they should do.

ricky: No, the shouldn’t.

steve: Or old TV.

ricky: That’s stupid, that’s the cliché of Xfm listeners, and I know they’re more intelligent than that.

steve: They’re not. They’re not, Rick.

steve: They’re stupid people! They’re stupid, stupid people! And they only know about a few things!

ricky: Garbage, Cherry Lips, on Xfm 104.9. Well, either they really want those CDs, or they want to embarrass us.

steve: Mm.

ricky: ‘Cause the phone lines are going mad. And Karl is taking,

steve: They are going mad, and we didn’t even give out the phone number or the email, Rick! Shall I just give it out now?

ricky: Well, obviously don’t need to!

steve: Well, I ought to anyway, for those that didn’t hear, didn’t know it already.

ricky: ‘Of it.

steve: 08700, 08700 800 1234. Sorry, that’s not 08700, 08700, ‘cause I, ‘cause I started again ‘cause I got, I sort of fluffed slightly.

ricky: Yeah, go on.

steve: 08700 800 1234.

ricky: And when he says he fluffed slightly, that - that’s not how he got into television.

steve: Exactly. [email protected] if you want to email the question, and only Karl can see the screen, so there’s no, cheating.

ricky: Probably people don’t know what fluffing is, do they.

steve: No, I don’t think so, Rick. Uh, Karl, have you had a question?

karl: What, already, are we doing it now?

ricky: Go on,

steve: I – I think we should just drip ‘em in, throughout the course of the show –

ricky: Yeah, yeah, you drippin’ ‘em in.

ricky: Go on. Ask us a question.

karl: All right. I thought this was good one. It’s from Clive.

ricky: Go on then.

steve: Clive! We’ve got a listener called Clive! Wow!

ricky: That’s all right.

karl: Who, was the first James Bond.

steve: Right.

ricky: Aw, it’s a film one! He’ll know that!

steve: No, but wait a minute, wait a minute,

ricky: No, I know this ambiguity – ‘cause we’ve talked about it,

steve: We’ve talked about this ambiguity before, you see. He could be – he might be deliberately embarrassing us, because the old myth is that someone played it on radio, that we all know and love.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Now, he should’ve specified, did he mean the film James Bond? The first film James Bond?

ricky: Well I think the thing is, can I just say, we, we won’t count this one, ‘cause the definitive one, I talked to Glyn about this as well, it, it, it’s Dr. No, it’s the first one of the team that we

steve: Sean Connery. So, Sean Connery is the first screen James Bond,

ricky: So, we, we agree on that, even if we’re both wrong. What does he say it is. I’ll bet he said, I’ll bet he said, it was Bob Holness, who played him on radio, in like the 1950s.

karl: He didn’t say the radio bit, but he said Bob Holness.

ricky: Hm. From Blockbusters!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I was drawing, a little Blockbuster thing!

steve: That’s really spooky.

ricky: That is, that’s weird, innit.

steve: But the thing about that is, I – I’m worried if it might be a myth. It may be a myth.

ricky: Well, no, I don’t think it is, it’s that we can’t have that –

steve: One point to me then!

ricky: Noo.

steve: Yes.

ricky: No, definitely not.

steve: Well you didn’t know it – did you know it. Did you honest-

ricky: Yeah, we talked about it!

steve: No, rubbish! Yeah, but who – well if we talked about it, did I say it to you.

ricky: No, we agreed that it was Sean Connery, because, just like we didn’t count Casino Royale ‘cause you said it wasn’t by the same team and

steve: Yeah, but that wouldn’t have been the first James Bond anyway, ‘cause that came later in the series! No, Rick! Nonononono –

ricky: There’s no way. There’s no way.

steve: No, don’t play the music,

ricky: No way.

steve: That’s clearly a point! You didn’t know it was Bob Holness. He meant it was Bob Holness, I knew the answer! One-nill.

ricky: Well, Fun Lovin’ Criminals, Scooby Snacks. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. ‘Cause we, we both agreed once in a pub that the right answer is Sean Connery!

steve: Yeah, but wait a minute, wait a minute, Rick,

ricky: And we both knew that.

steve: The point’s not that. The man phoned in with a question, and the answer the man was after, was Bob Holness.

ricky: Oh! Ok!

steve: And that’s the answer I gave!

ricky: I’ll tell you what, the answer I was after, was me.

steve: But that’s nonsense, Rick! He’s the question master! The man who phoned in! That’s ludicrous! You, you, face the facts!

ricky: You can’t say, you can’t say, what number am I thinking of,

steve: That’s – What are you talkin’ about?!

ricky: It’s got to be the real answer,

steve: No, but I knew the answer he was after!

ricky: So brilliant!

steve: Yes! Because that’s, you know, even if he’s, got it wrong, it’s such common parlance now, that, Bob Holness was the first James Bond, that I knew the answer! Face the facts!

ricky: Right. Give us another question, Karl.

steve: Jeez!

ricky: Give us another question.

steve: Gaw, he’s a bad loser, isn’t he?

karl: I had a good one here, but,

steve: You’ve forgotten it?

ricky: Or,

karl: I sort of scribbled it down. Um,

ricky: This is brilliant, innit.

karl: ‘ang on a minute,

ricky: We can edit this out, can’t we? It’s not live, is this?

steve: It’s only a pilot.

ricky: This is gonna look great when it, when it comes out. Go on.

karl: Which food,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Um,

steve: Karl, you now making up the question.

karl: No-no, it’s just that I sort of took down the important bits –

ricky: Br—this is amazing. This is amazing radio. Go on!

karl: Which food, kind of doesn’t make you fat.

ricky: Jesus.

steve: What?! Kind of question is that?!

ricky: Aw, this is rid-

karl: No, it is proper.

ricky: I love, I love, imagine this, on The Weakest Link.

ricky: What kind of food, doesn’t sort of make you, I mean, it doesn’t make you fat ..

karl: Um,

steve: This is ludicrous!

ricky: Ok, do you want me to –

karl: Basically, no, sort of calories in it.

ricky: Um, celery.

steve: Water.

ricky: Well, I mean, what do you mean. Do you mean a – a – a vegetable, do you mean –

karl: No, you’re right, you’re right. Apparently, ya use more eating it –

ricky: Yeah, you use more calories to bite it than to –

steve: Yeah, but wait a minute, wait a minute, Rick,

ricky: 1 – 1 all.

steve: No, it’s not one all,

ricky: Of course it is!

steve: Because you’re supposed to write it down!

ricky: You didn’t know!

steve: But you didn’t – I – what do you mean I didn’t know?! You’re supposed to write it down, that’s the whole point, we’re writing things down!



ricky: 1 all!

steve: We’ve got to set the rules, this is ludicrous!

ricky: Bit too much like Portishead, for my liking.

steve: Was it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I quite enjoyed it.

ricky: Beta Band. Well, that’s ‘cause Portishead are from your neck of the woods, innit. Is it?

steve: No, fair criticism, Rick.

ricky: Well, Portishead – yeah, yeah.

steve: I’ve embarrassed myself!

ricky: Right – w- another question, quick. Is this, is this one, is this question, a real question with a definitive answer, or is it like What is my most comfortable chair?

steve: I don’t know why people aren’t going to like, maybe Trivial Pursuit or some’ing, just getting a question off that, and then –

ricky: ‘Cause they’re, they’re a little bit more discernin’ than that, Steve!

steve: Rick, have you heard the questions?! They don’t know what they’re talkin’ about!

steve: This is stuff they’ve overheard in pubs!

ricky: Go on! Ask it – ask it, Karl. I love (mumbles) Karl takes it down and goes, What’s that?

steve: I know!

ricky: What am I meant to write? Go on then, ask this one.

karl: Right. Um, whi- what sort, no.

karl: The pope,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Um, what semi-

ricky: Sorry Anne – Mrs. Robinson, we’re gonna have to let you go.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Go on.

steve: You are the weakest link, Karl. Goodbye.

ricky: Yeah, go on.

karl: The pope,

ricky: Yeah. The pope, yeah, we’ve got The Pope, yeah, that’s not strictly a question.

karl: He wears a, uh,

ricky: Oh Christ. He wears a dustman’s hat, he wears gorblimy trousers.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Does he live in a council flat?

ricky: Yeah, he lives in a council flat,

karl: He wears a semi-precious stone. What’s the stone.

steve: The pope wears a semi-precious stone, what is the stone.

ricky: You mean, you mean, what is it called?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What is it called.

steve: What, has it got like a kind of um, papal name.

karl: Well I think, I think it’s like, you know, is it – an 18 carat one.

ricky: Is it –

steve: So we’ve got to try and get the carat,

ricky: Right.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Of the pope’s big diamond.

ricky: He calls it Dennis, he calls it Dennis the Stone.

ricky: Do they want the, do they want the type of gem it is, diamond, jade,

steve: Or is there some kind of papal name for it?

ricky: Ruby, or, do they want it like the Rosetta Stone.

karl: I don’t know.

ricky: Or, the – oh.

ricky: I can’t - play a record. Play two records.

ricky: Where’s Your Head At, Basement Jaxx.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Right, Ok, Let’s get this right.

steve: Have we, have we knocked this on the head, then. Is this not happening.

ricky: Oh here he is. Look.

steve: Here he is.

ricky: Come in!

ricky: Hey look, he’s –

steve: How’ve you –

ricky and steve: Owh!

steve: God!

ricky: I don’t believe that!

steve: Oh, that’s pathetic!

ricky: I do not believe that.

steve: That’s absolutely pathetic.

ricky: Now they won’t believe this, will they.

steve: No.

ricky: Right. If I say that Jonathan Ross just got his massive member out, and he is a big lad,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Come in – come and sit down.

jonathan: I’ve got your tickets, Mr Gervais.

ricky: Thank you.

steve: Wh – what’s goin’ on there, then? I mean, why are you dropping off tickets,

jonathan: Well because, you know, in the spirit of the comedy awards, we like to have the rising young stars, of the British Comedy Awards.

ricky: That’s right.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And that’s me.

jonathan: Well, we couldn’t find any this year,

jonathan: So we asked Ricky whether he would sit in the Rising Young Stars seat, and I – I wanted to deliver the tickets personally, so there’s no excuses if he doesn’t turn up later.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I- I always suspected that you were, sort of, pretty well endowed.

jonathan: Yeah.

ricky: And then, now, and now we’ve seen. Y’know it’s on webcam, that. That is.

jonathan: That was just one of my cocks!

ricky: We got in trouble sayin’ that, didn’t we?

steve: That’s the one you’re wearin’ today. Yeah, don’t say that, no we were in trouble–

jonathan: This is meant to be the happenin’ young station! What’s going on?

steve: No, you can’t say stuff like that. You can’t.

ricky: Just – just careful what you say, look what happened to Julian Clary, ten years in the wilderness and then he comes back in the personal ads. That can happen to you!

jonathan: Ten years in the wilderness?

steve: Can I just ask,

jonathan: That’s Jesus you’re thinkin’ of!

ricky: Let’s just, just ‘cause you’re on everything at the moment,

jonathan: I walked in here, and I came in here, and I thought this is the young happenin’ place, and what do I see in here? Three old men sittin’ --

steve: What are you talkin’ about?! I’m only 28! 27.

jonathan: Yeah. You’re wrecked! You all looked wrecked!

steve: That’s ‘cause we’re always partyin’!

jonathan: I was lookin’ for some youngsters! Where’s the youngsters? I wanted to see some tight leather pants!

jonathan: I wanted to see some foxy chicks,

ricky: Look how –

jonathan: Hangin’ on your every word! What is it, it’s a bunch of old blokes and a bloke over there washin’ up, in a sink.

ricky: But look at him - he even dresses for radio! Look at him!

steve: This is ludicrous.

ricky: It’s amazing! The – looks like – you’re one step away –

steve: I love the fact, you were on the phone to Gervais last night, weren’t you, asking his advice,

jonathan: Yeah.

steve: On clothes! Look at him!

jonathan: Well I’ll –

steve: He’s goin’ for the man down the DSS look!

jonathan: I like that look – no, it’s a nice look!

ricky: Innit! Thank you.

steve: Have you got a single pair of trousers that aren’t elasticated at the waist.

jonathan: They’re ma- they’re maternity jeans, aren’t they? They’ve got the whole front panel for –

ricky: The thing is, what I do is, at the end of the, week, I can pop these in a pan and I can make a nice soup, with

jonathan: Aw.

ricky: All the food that’s encrusted in them.

jonathan: That’s years of the homeless comin’ to the fore there.

ricky: Look at you,

steve: But what I –

ricky: One step away from Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen.

jonathan: I’d like to be, I’d like to be that bit closer.

steve: But why are you dropping off the tickets. Are you a little bit - ? ‘Cause I thought, I thought you were married and stuff. Why do you suddenly got this obsession with Gervais?

ricky: I’m a bit ‘a rough, in’t I!

jonathan: Yeah. It’s like when you see Dale Winton out with those rough boys, I’d like to get one of me own!

ricky: When, when a top celebrity, in a lovely-looking suit drops - walks down a corridor with his penis out, I know I'm still attractive -

jonathan: You know you've arrived!

jonathan: Soit's I was inaugurated in the same way. For me it was Des O'Connor. It's like it's the passing of the baton if I may use that euphemism.

ricky: It’s fantastic, it is a pleasure. I still wake up and can’t believe it, I’m mates with Johnno.

steve: Johnno.

jonathan: Can I just point, I was listening to the show last week. I heard you, as always, revealing too much about yourself, if you don’t mind me saying so.

ricky: Not as much as you!

jonathan: No, that was just for the benefit of the room.

jonathan: When you used to talk about occasionally urinate in the sink.

ricky: Yeah.

jonathan: When you were around my house last time.

jonathan: And you looked a bit shifty. Nah, please reassure me.

ricky: It was more ownership. I marked my territory, and other people came in saying has Gervais been around here? It was just marking my territory.

jonathan: Because my coffee in the morning has a hazelnut tang to it I don’t remember putting in.

steve: Can I just say something, I used to mention to you Gervais when we first getting involved in business, if there was one celebrity I would like to be friends with was Jonathan Ross, lo behold Ricky befriended Jonathan Ross. I’m nowhere to be seen. Not invited around.

jonathan: Ricky told me I could be his friend provided I never extended the arm of friendship.

steve: Right I thought as much.

jonathan: He tries to keep everyone else down he works with in the Office and from all the other shows. He tries to keep them down.

ricky: I wanted him to meet you on the steps. I didn’t even want to tell him you’re around. But you called and he said who’s that? And saw your name come up and said can I meet him?

jonathan: You all are coming tonight aren’t ya?

ricky: This isn’t Radio 2 by the way, these links are way too long. This is snappy radio. We have to play a record.

steve: The kids have lost interest.

ricky: The kids want to hear Coldplay, Catatonia, Faithless...

jonathan: You know what I like is how about more of that instantly forgettable hip hop you play.

steve: Get out.

jonathan: Hip Hop Hooray? That’s the worst feature on British radio. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

steve: Wait I’ve heard your quiz on Radio 2 you’re having a laugh.

ricky: Put it away! Put it away!

karl: I’m Karl.

jonathan: Hi how you doing?

karl: Alright. Got a question for you.

jonathan: Yeah.

karl: The Pope what semi-precious stone does the Pope wear?

jonathan: That’s easy.

karl: Go on.

jonathan: Topaz.

steve: Is that the right answer?

karl: I don’t know I might have wrote it down wrong.

ricky: I’m really sorry Jonathan.

jonathan: That’s not what he publically admits to, but I have to know because I was hanging out with him at the Groucho one night. He said, have a look at this look at this. Look at that topaz. Go and buy that. Look at that. Vatican City.

ricky: Look at that, have a nice ring out of that.

jonathan: Didn’t go anywhere, but thanks for asking.

jonathan: Gotta go. I got to buy some winkle pickers.

ricky: Thank you, thank you very much.

jonathan: Karl, wish I could have said it was a pleasure, but it was quite creepy.

ricky: See ya later.

ricky: U2 Beautiful Day.

steve: Yep.

ricky: I was going to say that was one of my singles of the year, but was it this year or the year before.

steve: Oh crumbs, I don’t know.

ricky: I think, was it 2000? Maybe that could be a question.

ricky: No we need the answer.

steve: We don’t know the answer. Can I just ask, Jonathan Ross just came in here to drop off some tickets for the comedy award show he’s hosting.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Later this evening. Interesting of course, for a man who is 40 and still finds it funny to get his penis out.

steve: I love that. It’s like, when is that novelty going to wear off?

ricky: 74, 75? When it’s just too horrible to show in public, I imagine.

steve: But he drops off some tickets for you, was asking you fashion advice last night. I mean he came on after a 3 hour radio show on Radio 2. Good show by the way, worth tuning in.

steve: Drop some tickets around now has to go rehearse the show. I was out with you last night went into this pub like we been to a few times before. This guy came in and said your usual table Ricky?

steve: Your usual table? Can I just ask you two questions Godfather? One is, have we won a prize tonight? Two, can you have someone iced for me?

steve: It’s ludicrous, what do you suddenly got over all these people? When did you suddenly become the daddy?

ricky: Well I came from nowhere, and y’know, I got Polaroid’s of all the head of all the stations. Yeah, exactly.

steve: What I am worried about when we are wrapped up in our winter coats. You are going to have your little sort of black thing. I’m stood like your hood. Dya’know what I mean, like your goon. That walks with you, twice as tall.

ricky: Very much like Edward G Robertson.

steve: Exactly, you’re the one with the pug face, obviously.

ricky: Yeah, well, don’t go on about it, freak.

steve: Alright no need.

ricky: We knock that. Even Jonathan Ross couldn’t save this show.

steve: No.

ricky: He’s the only A-list celebrity I know. I’m all out of ideas. I thought we’d have a trivia game, that’s rubbish because he can’t read.

steve: Or write.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So we knocking the trivia game all together?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Let’s have one final question.

ricky: What’s the answer. I don’t know.

karl: The Pope one.

ricky: I don’t know.

steve: We couldn’t even figure out the question Karl.

ricky: What’s the stone, what’s the stone?

karl: Hold on a sec.

steve: Just entertain yourself at home. While Karl looks for the answer.

karl: Anthirst.

ricky and steve: Amethyst.

karl: Yep.

ricky: Anne Thirst? No she was the first woman MP I think you’ll find. Rubby & diamondo.

steve: So do you have a final question?

ricky: It’s one all, one more question then we will knock it on the head.

karl: Where-- what...

ricky: WHO...

steve: Haven’t you been practicing, we had ads and we had music.

ricky: "Where, what."

steve: Rick, I don’t think we should call ITV later.

ricky: Maybe he was talking about Jonathan’s inquiry on sartorial elegance. Wear what?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Maybe he just summed up that conversation in two-

karl: What’s the most expensive pub in London? Ricky won’t know because he never pays.

steve: Hang on a minute, what does that mean?

ricky: What does that mean, you want me to buy the pub? How much, that’s a million pounds sir.

karl: You go in, according to the Time Out guide 2001 if you went in a bought a big round, it’s a dear pub.

steve: It’s an expensive pub?

ricky: Imagine that on Millionaire. Imagine that question on Mastermind. Your specialized subject is how much things are an that and whether they make you fat when you eat then.

karl: It’s in London.

steve: Is this some guy went in a pub last night and going this is a bit pricey.

steve: This is the most expensive pub I’ve been too.

ricky: I’m going to expose them on Ricky and Steve’s show.

steve: Does he mean maybe is it a pub or a club maybe where got to be a member?

karl: Nah, it’s a pub. I’ll narrow it down, it’s in Covent Garden.

ricky: Punch and Judy.

karl: That’s it.

steve: Has he got it right? Well I have to hand it to you well done.

ricky: Yep Brilliant.

steve: So who was that question from, maybe they should get these three cds.

ricky: Let’s give them that.

steve: Who is it Karl?

ricky: There is no way of verifying that, that’s probably libelous. They probably made-

karl: It’s from Time Out guide.

ricky: Ok, alright.

karl: What you moaning for, you got it right.

ricky: Yeah, I won, I won. Yeah, I won.

steve: Karl who was it that won? Listen they know so they won.

karl: Right.

ricky: This is genius radio. This is brilliant.

steve: I’ll tell you what’s letting us down, him.

ricky: I know.

steve: KP the P man.

steve: When he was just here to press buttons he was cool, now we let him on the air because we thought he was funny and we quite like him, he’s digging a grave for us. Right this is a new feature I introduced called Songs I’d Like to Play on the Radio.

steve: And uh, a friend of mine sent me a cd of little treats and stuff, one of them is this track called Monkey Man by the Rolling Stones, play it Karl. It’s an absolute gem.

ricky: XFM 104.9. What was that again, Steve?

steve: Rolling Stones, and a track called Monkey Man. That's from a, er, double CD not available in the shops, my friend Dave G made a compilation for me, burned it onto CD, using modern technology. That's one of the tracks on there.

ricky: What's his name, what's his name?

steve: Dave Greenwood, obviously breaking several copyright laws there.

ricky: Exactly

steve: I would not encourage anyone to make copies of anything for anyone, it is against the law.

ricky: His name again, if the police are listening?

steve: Dave Greenwood...lives in Nottingham...I can...

ricky: How dare he, how dare he!

steve: ...I can give details. It sickens me Rick.

ricky: He's making you receive, er

steve: Stolen goods, and there's various artists on there who've barely got a penny, losing money hand over fist, the Rolling Stones for instance.

ricky: Yeah, and XFM have done that as well, played it off a, you know, and that's terrible, and now we've implicated those as well.

steve: XFM are culpable...so is Dave G...Thankfully not us, Rick.

ricky: No.

steve: We're just middle men, caught up in it.

ricky: You know what I mean? Mr. Biggs behind it.

steve: There's always a Mr. Biggs.

ricky: And we're just the pawns in his game!

steve: And, er, I'll be playing another track from that later on.

ricky: I've got a lovely couple of little tracks, from my hip-hop selection.

steve: Looking forward to it.

ricky: And...

steve: Incidentally, Rick, can I just ask, did you get a little gift here from XFM?

ricky: I did, um, I got a lovely little voucher here, um, it was very nice.

steve: Yeah, very thoughtful, I've also got one, how much is yours for?

ricky: £25.

steve: To spend at John Lewis' or Waitrose.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: A little, kind of, gift voucher there.

ricky: Oh, I think, um, I'll do Waitrose, ooh food, you can get a good load of food for £25...

steve: You're absolutely right.

ricky: ...You can't get a lot of like...haberdashery.

ricky: So I think I'll go for the food option.

steve: The thing about the gift voucher, a lot of people will be, I'm sure, receiving these over the Christmas period.

ricky: Sure

steve: The thing about is, like, here's £25, but I've limited where you can spend it.

ricky: Yeah. It's like, it's like, they don't want to give money, that's gauche, this is like money but not as versatile.

steve: Exactly. You can't spend it in as many places. But's it's the thing is, surely the thing about a gift is, you don't want people to know how much it was.

ricky: Un..Unless, you're letting them, make them buck their ideas up for next year.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know what I mean, like if your aunt gives you, like, a, single, like a Steps single, and you've given her a £25 Bodyshop, you're saying, you know how much that single cost, so do I, I'm not gonna say, right, let's make up the difference next year, Aunty, spend £50 on me next year.

steve: Yeh.

ricky: Do you know how much he got?

steve: How much did you get - did you get a gift voucher as well?

karl: Yeah, but I work here all week.

ricky: Right, how much did you get?

karl: £150.

steve: £150! What, in gift vouchers?

karl: Yeh.

steve: To spend in the same places?

karl: Yeah.

steve: I have to say, though, it's not a very inventive gift, is it?

ricky: It's a lovely thought!

steve: It's a lovely thought, it's wonderful to have £25 to spend in two places I never go in, but...

ricky: Oh!

steve: No no, I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth!

ricky: Ain't he ungrateful, eh?

steve: I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth, it's a treat. My only thought...

ricky: He spoke to Jonathan Ross like he was a normal person!

karl: From someone who's Dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!

steve: My only thought is that John Lewis and Waitrose, I mean, it's not very rock and roll, it's not very XFM, is it? I mean, whereas a tattoo parlour, maybe...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Or a bike shop.

ricky: Or a piercing, I might get my face pierced...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Just a big bolt through my head.

steve: But aren't, I mean, aren't they a little bit The Man, aren't they a little bit mainstream?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Aren't we a little bit rock and roll?

ricky: Oh, play a record. And don't make it a square record. Summat on an indie label or summat, or summat that hasn't even been recorded.

steve: Ha ha, yeah. Something that can't even become available ever.

ricky: Yeah, I don't know what instruments they're playing.

steve: Oh, not the guitar!

ricky: Sum 41. In Too Deep. Alright, Steve?

steve: Mm.

ricky: It's been a long time.

steve: Eh?

ricky: Hadn't it?

steve: What has?

ricky: Like of the....seems a long time, that music was playing...

steve: Yes, you're absolutely right. It's annoying actually that Karl never went to the email, because the questions have been sent in there.

ricky: Are they good?

steve: Good questions, and they've all been, sort of, neatly spat out with the correct answer. For instance, I might have asked you this, if I was the Quizmaster, Rick.

ricky: Go on.

steve: How many noses do slugs have?

ricky: Oh, erm, I think, I think it's 4.

steve: It is 4, yeah. Point to you there, let me see if I can find another one....Who, according to the current issue of Viz, is a cycloptic pop temptreess?

ricky: Ohh...don't know. Is it a pun on her having one eye, and sounding like...?

steve: Cycloptic is the clue.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There's only one pop temptress.

ricky: Oh, it's, erm, Gabrielle.

steve: Of course.

ricky: Yep.

steve: That's two points.

karl: Mine are better, he didn't get 'em. These are rubbish.

steve: Have you ever watched a quiz show?

ricky: Cos I can understand the question, they're rubbish. I suppose, aren't they? It gives me a chance to know what the answer is required! Go on.

steve: Let me see if I can find another one for you...er...no, you're never going to get that one, that's too hard....

ricky: Oh no, that just, that just...

steve: That just teases you more, doesn't it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What's the name of the....no, that's boring that one, sorry! It's beginning to fall apart again now. Erm...ah, here we are....What's the proper name for Big Ben?

ricky: ...Is it St. Stephen's Tower?

steve: You know, it absolutely is. That's 3 out of 3, that's fantastic!

ricky: Yeah, cos, the bell, er, named after someone like Benjamin so and so, worked in it, inside the tower, and that's the big bell...

steve: It's actually, in a weird way, I didn't know any of those, so it's actually quite good that we did kind of balls it up with Karl because otherwise I'd have been, there'd have been egg on my face.

ricky: Yeah, but I still won, I just won less.

steve: Oh, did you? Yeah, you did win. Yeah. Already forgotten, already wiped that out of my memory.

ricky: Yeah, but, um, yeah, hey Steve, it's not me that's the real winner!

ricky: It's Neil, who, er, asked that question...

steve: About pubs.

ricky: About pubs. And he's got those 3 CD's - just tell him what they are again.

steve: Feeder, Echo Park. A compilation called Reloaded 3, lots of great stuff on there, and the Essential Bob Dylan, 2 CD set.

ricky: Have you called him and told him?

karl: No, not yet.

ricky: This is such a shambles, innit? Cos what if he goes out, or summat?

karl: Actually, if he's listening, can he give us a call?

ricky: That is so lazy!

steve: Can't we call him, like Tarrant would?

karl: I would, if I had his number!

steve: You not got his number?

karl: I forgot.

ricky and steve: Karl!

ricky: This is unbelievable!


karl: I wanted to go for the Pope one.

steve: Karl, do you actually work here in the week?

steve: Or like, did you just, you know, like in a film when they knock someone on the head, put on the spacesuit and go to the Moon?

ricky: Yeah. Is it like Secret of my Success with Michael J. Fox, you actually work in the post room but Saturday's, there's no-one around that recognises you...

steve: So you pretend like you're a producer?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: 'Cos you don't seem to know any of the rules!

ricky: 'Cos I reckon that name's made up!

karl: When did I say producer? When did I say I was a...

steve: Yeah, Karl Pinkerton is a name you'd come up with on the spot.

ricky: No, he's not a producer, he says he works in "sound".

steve: He works in sound?

ricky: That's what he says, yeah. Well, I tell ya what, work with this, this is my Song for the Lovers, it's a beautiful track, I've played it before, I'll play it again, it's one of my favourite track of all time, it's Bob Dylan, If You See Her, Say Hello. Here's a little bit of trivia for you, this is the last song I ever played on the old XFM, before they came in and said OK, you can go now.

steve: Well, that's incredible.

ricky: Innit?

steve: Bringing tears to my eyes.

ricky: Lovely.

ricky: Well. The greatest singer-songwriter of all time.

steve: Beautiful.

ricky: With one of his err, best songs there. Bob Dylan. If You See Her, Say Hello. She might be in Tangiers.

ricky: I mean he's, he's having a go. He's -

steve: I mean, if you're gonna go to Tangiers on the off-chance to try and find her, I wouldn't bother.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, y'know he's -

steve: If you're gonna be there -

ricky: He's desperate. He's desperate to get her. He's going "Well she might be in Tangiers, ohh...Have you checked upstairs - she's definitely not upstairs, just, just, have a look." Well anyway, that was Song for the Lovers, but because I'm so excited about having such great prizes to give away for the first time, some albums, that Karl found, we've got the lucky winner on the line. Hi Neil, are you there?

neil: Yeah, here Ricky.

ricky: Hi, you're a winner with XFM.

neil: Fantastic!

ricky: Yeah yeah, do you like Feeder? They're a good group, aren't they?

neil: Feeder, they're- well yeah, the kids seem to like 'em.

ricky: They do, the kids like them and the Bob Dylan, he's a - he's a great erm, lovely bloke with a guitar isn't he?

neil: You're working hard, aren't you?

ricky: I'm - I'm fed up with this mate.

ricky: Really. Honestly, I just don't know what else to do. I - I'd come in every week, I try - try and see - yeah

neil: You can write - you have to write a new series of er, of The Office, that's what you have to do.

ricky: I'm - I'm trying, but I've got voice-over work now so, there's more money in that y'know?

neil: Yeah - you're everywhere!

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

neil: Woolies adverts!

ricky: Yeah.

neil: Ooh sorry, shouldn't mention that should I, on the radio?

ricky: No, it's alright, it's alright.

steve: So Neil, Steve Merchant here -

neil: Hey Steve.

steve: Will you be looking forward to receiving these albums? You've got Feeder: Echo Park, err Bob Dylan album: the Best Of, and err, a compilation. You looking forward to them?

neil: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. No, I mean, it's gonna really make my Christmas a whole - I'm not going to be able to get home this year, so that's going to make up for it, I'm sure.

ricky: Neil, what - what - of those three, which one will you be putting on first?

neil: I think Feeder: Echo Park, because the kids seem to like it.

ricky: Okay. Excellent, thanks very much -

steve: What'll you be doing for the rest of the weekend? Are you going to be chilling out?

neil: I'm chilling man, I'm freezing. I'm playing golf right now, it's err -

steve: That's madness.

ricky: Yeah.

neil: It's very cold out here.

steve: What's your handicap?

neil: What's my handicap? My short-game's terrible. But erm -

steve: Right. Yeah. Yeah. You gonna be watching the err, National Comedy Awards this evening, I heard The Office err, is nominated.

neil: Oh you guys are a shoo-in.

steve: Sorry?

ricky: Yeah.

neil: You - you're a shoo-in. It's yours.

steve: Thank you. I don't know what a shoo-in is, but I'd like to go to one.

ricky: I think he means like, erm, foot in the door.

steve: Lovely.

neil: Yeah - no, not foot in the door -

ricky: No.

neil: It's like it's yours. Your name's already on it.

ricky: Oh really. Right.

neil: I'd think so, well yeah, otherwise why - why would Ross stop around?

ricky: I don't think he makes the decisions.

steve: Neil, thanks for calling, those, err, those prizes are going to be winging their way to you.

ricky: We're just like real DJs, aren't we Neil? Just say we're like real DJs and we'll leave you alone.

neil: You guys are just like real DJs.

ricky: Thankyou.

steve: Enjoy your game.

ricky: Bye.

ricky: "Step on My Old Size Nines", Stereophonics.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Well, talking to Neil, it all brought it home. Y'know, maybe I should give a little bit back.

steve: Yeah, you've had a good year.

ricky: I'm hanging out with Jonathan Ross--

steve: Exactly.

ricky: I'm doing ads, right.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But, I care, I'm still in touch, you know what I mean? I'm still down with it, right.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: And, you know, it's coming up to the time of year where we should, you know, care about people less fortunate than ourself. And what I've done, I've recorded a- a- a Christmas single--

steve: That's beautiful.

ricky: And all proceeds are going... you know, to uh, you know, little sick people an' that and...

steve: Are there going to be any proceeds?

ricky: There's going to be not a sausage.

steve: Right, right.

ricky: So, I’m safe.

steve: But, I’ll tell you this, what I was thinking, actually- I was listening this morning, doing some Christmas shopping... And you go into the shops and there's always, you know, (Sings) Walking in a Winter Wonderland and all those songs - no one writes those sort of things anymore.

ricky: No, well you are wrong, Steve.

steve: Really?

ricky: Listen to this.

steve: What's it called?

ricky: Don't Cry it's Christmas.

steve: Let's hear it.

steve: Doya’know, as far as I'm concerned, it’s already become a standard. One of the classics.

ricky: Thanks.

ricky: There’s a Star Ash.

steve: Good.

ricky: It’s a great show so far, innit?

steve: Enjoying it Rick, but I’ll tell you this. What worries me is something we’ve not done. We’ve not taken on board some stuff we’ve heard from the management. They’ve said they enjoyed the light-hearted flippery, y’know in the past. The likes of Jonathan Ross getting their knob out. Sometimes they feel it’s a bit cheap, Rick and a little bit crass. They want perhaps it should be a little bit high-brow at times. A little more thoughtful.

ricky: I can do that.

steve: Well you’re a smart guy.

ricky: I am yeah. I’ve proved that with slugs having four noses and St. Stephens Tower.

steve: Can I ask you Rick about politics?

ricky: What do you want to know? I am a political person.

steve: I thought as much.

ricky: Go on.

steve: What do you make of who to vote for?

ricky: Vote for the government, whoever is in the government.

steve: Yeah, the liberals ever?

ricky: Not if they’re not in government. No don’t.

steve: What about the foot-in-mouth people are worried about?

ricky: Don’t worry about it.

steve: Recession has hit, a lot of people losing their job. What should they do about it?

ricky: Get another job. I’ll tell you what; you can have this for free. If you do lose your job or something get another one, but get one that’s even better than you lost.

steve: Right. Okay good advice

steve: Maybe get, maybe if you were like the post boy before like Karl.

ricky: Get in charge of the company, get a manager’s job.

steve: Right become like director general or something.

ricky: Get more money.

steve: Good good good good.

ricky: And don’t lose that one.

steve: Okay and um. What else is concerning people? We get calls all the time to the station. I’m worried about the War in Afghanistan. What do you make of the war? Is it one of your favourites?

ricky: No no no, all war is bad. My favourite is um.

steve: I put you on the spot here.

ricky: Falkands.

steve: Is it really?

ricky: Yes.

steve: Is it?

ricky: Yeah yeah, it’s a ranged war.

steve: What does that mean?

ricky: Know what that means Karl?

karl: I remember that, we drew pictures at school of that.

ricky: It means our missiles can go 17 kilometres and the Argies had missiles that could go like 9 kilometres. So we just parked out boats 12-13 kilometers or whatever, and we were shelling them and theirs were falling in the water. It’s the war equivalent of holding a midget at arm’s length.

steve: Right and he’s trying to punch you.

ricky: And he can’t reach and you are kicking him in the balls at will.

steve: A lot of people talk about WW1 being the great war.

ricky: No, It was a good war, it wasn’t a great war.

steve: Right, what’s the problem for you?

ricky: I like the bayonets and the trenches and all that stuff, but I could have done without the poetry.

steve: Right.

ricky: Only because the poetry is a little bit bent. Y’know what I am saying. The only time it isn’t bent is in a war, but there’s beautiful poem I remember. We are the dead; once we lived felt dawn on our face, now we lie in Flanders field. Be honest, if you had a gun in your hand instead of a pen.

steve: Yeah

ricky: You wouldn’t be dead and been home for Christmas.

steve: Absolutely, high five!

ricky: Yeah, so that’s politics Karl.

steve: Any other questions you want solved?

ricky: Economics, I’ve done economics and war, anything else?

karl: I just think you should look after yourself, y’know what I mean?

steve: Karl I just got something to say to you, Hip Hop Hooray!

karl: Hey!

steve: Let’s play my hip hop track.

ricky: Whoa, aye!

steve: Put your hands in the air. Move them around like you just don’t care.

ricky: You’re not even bothered.

steve: I’m playing an old school track this week, Rick.

ricky: Excellent.

steve: Going back in time, rewinding the past.

ricky: How you spelling school, Steve?

steve: With a K!

ricky: Go on.

steve: Ever heard anything by Digital Underground? The Humpty Dance.

ricky: The Humpty Dance.

steve: Remember that?

ricky: That was the fella that sat on the wall.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he was getting dissed by the police, and he fell and broke all up. The kings horses, shouldn’t really be sent to repair an egg, they couldn’t do it because of their hooves.

steve: Anyways, Digital Underground for those that don’t remember was an Oakland group lead by Shock G and Chop Master J.

ricky: Go on.

steve: But of course, most famous now for the fact they featured Tupac Shakur when he very first began. You’ll hear him on this track. It’s called, what one have I chosen here. It’s called the Same Song, have a listen.

steve: Ross was slagging off the hip hop feature, wasn’t he? When he came in earlier, and how can you not like that? Digital Underground Same Song.

ricky: I think he was scared of it Steve, he was intimated by your youth.

steve: He’s scared of the youth, he scared of the fact I am down with it. The homies, the bitches and the hoes.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Cause he is not with that. He looks dapper. If they saw him walking down the street looking like a ponce, they would just laugh and jeer.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But probably rhythmically.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And he couldn’t come back at anything.

ricky: They’d be high-fiving you them, and they’d be loving you. I think he was intimated by your style. I think he’s jealous of you to be honest.

steve: What he is most jealous of is probably the looks.

steve: You know what I mean? I got the new haircut for when I might be on the telly later.

ricky: Didn’t mention that, did he?

steve: But he’s never seen the old one.

steve: You’ve kept him from me. Nothing to compare it to.

ricky: That was a great hip hop selection there. Even though I say so yourself.

steve: We’ve had a couple people because they listened to your dissection of current politics and ecomonicals.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: And they’ve got a couple questions for you.

ricky: Go on.

steve: We’ve got one from Jimmy Ruffin, he says, what becomes of the broken hearted?

ricky: Ooh ahh. That is a difficult one. I don’t think I got time to into that one. It’s a very delicate problem.

steve: Can you answer this one the KLF, what time is love? Any ideas? Listen, keep those questions coming in for Ricky Gervais, maybe he will sort them out later. We got something to play.

ricky: Oh dear.

ricky: It's Not The End Of The World Super Furry Animals.

steve: Absolutely, beautiful.

ricky: Xfm 104.9.

steve: Rick, you going to do your film review for us, we got time for it, I think.

ricky: I’m not no.

steve: Why not?

ricky: I’m not going to do it anymore.

steve: You’re not going to do it anymore?

ricky: It was great, but I think it’s time I did. I did a dozen, but I did all the films that I would give 9 or 10 out 10 for. I don’t want to drop the standards.

steve: Right.

ricky: I don’t want to start doing films 8/10, you see? That’s where a lot of film reviewers go wrong.

steve: Ross being one of them.

ricky: I’ve seen him doing, this is worth 7. Don’t do it then! If it’s no good don’t do it!

steve: So no more film reviews?

ricky: No. Until a great film comes out.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Like Braveheart 2 or something, which will be a 9 now.

steve: Uneventful kind of film.

ricky: Yeah, so 9 for that in advance.

steve: Rick it’s almost the end of the show, and still got time for Song for the Ladies. But Karl won’t be here next week.

ricky: Really where’s he going?

steve: Where ya heading Karl? Going home for Christmas? Tell us.

ricky: What it’s a secret?

steve: Incase your fans try to track you down?

ricky: Going to take pictures of planes in Greece?

steve: Political.

ricky: Satirical, Steve. Satirical.

steve: Where you going?

ricky: Tell you what, If I was caught in a foreign country and they the government go, no they are just train spotting or plane spotting, then I’ll just go no, I am a spy.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: No, I am a spy. No it’s alright you were train spotting. Wasn’t spying please.

steve: I saw you at the Doctor Who convention as well.

ricky: No, no probably am an assassin or something I think. I’m probably an assassin.

steve: Karl where you going mate? Tell us come on, we don’t have time.

karl: Not meant to say on here. People will rob your house.

ricky: Yeah we didn’t say tell us your address, tell us where you leave the key, and tell us when you go on holiday. We said, where you going on holiday?

karl: Barbados.

ricky: Are ya?

steve: Ooh, showing off! Boasting.

ricky: I’ll tell you what Steve, what I’d like to see and a lot of listeners would too. Pop around there now, touch him for Christmas.

steve: Shall I touch him for Christmas?

ricky: Touch him anywhere you like for Christmas.

steve: Can I just introduce the Song for the Ladies.

ricky: Love him for Christmas though. As long as you love and touch him.

steve: Can I just say what song? We are going to leave you with the excellent Tim Buckley of course father of Jeff.

ricky: I’m just going to be watching, but love him. Look at his little face!

steve: Also on that CD my friend Dave sent me earlier. If you don’t like it blame him.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: While he is being arrested by the copyright police.

steve: It’s called Buzzing Fly. Let me touch you Karl.

ricky: Go on. Lick him.

steve: Kiss a man for Christmas.

karl: Get off.

steve: I can put you in touch with your feminine side, and my feminine side.

ricky: I can’t look I’m busy. Look I’m busy.

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