XFM Vault - S01E07 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: We don’t know…

steve: Yeah, The problem with me is it’s like when you multiply anything with nought.

co-presenter: To the power of as well…

steve: Nothing ever happens.

co-presenter: Yeah, okay shame.

ricky: And I’m a fat little ugly fella like that Reg Varney.

dermot: Were there loads of people there that you don’t like and you could go up to afterwards and almost like metaphorically flip the bird?

ricky: What’s that mean?

dermot: Last week…you know “Flip the Bird”.

ricky: You dirty… No.

dermot: Middle finger.

ricky: And you see I’m married, Steve’s single and he doesn’t…

dermot: No what are you talking about…and there’s lots of people there…

ricky: I thought it was a euphemism… sorry.

dermot: … Who you haven’t got on with in the past, and then they’re all being really nice to you…

steve: We got on with everyone don’t we?

ricky: What does “Flip the bird” mean?

dermot: Flip the bird means…… you’ve got that hipster thing.

steve: The finger, it means giving the finger.

ricky: Yeah but I thought there was a dirty metaphor.

dermot: No!

steve: You’re always thinking this!

dermot: Don’t bring me down to your level till at least 5 minutes…Coming up after the break we’ve got Steve and Ricky and the lovely Claire will be driving their desk. Alright Claire?

claire: Hello!

dermot: Don’t bend over like that Claire.

claire: Sorry!

dermot: Put a longer top on or something. You alright boys, you your very studious there.

steve: We are, we’re working hard on the show.

ricky: Just working out what we’re gonna play, Dermot. and what order!

ricky: Ummm

dermot: I love the way you even live the pretence.

co-presenter: What about some Foo Fighters mixed with The Strokes, Ricky?

ricky: I wouldn’t mind a bit of The Strokes or New Order, what shall we kick in with?

steve: Err undecided yet Rick probably got some ads to err to help us decide.

dermot: That dilemma.

steve: Some advertising.

dermot: That dilemma will be revealed in just under four minutes, stick around for it.

steve: Merry Christmas Dermot.

ricky: New Order and Crystal on Xfm 104.9 now this is the Ricky Gervais Show obviously.

steve: With Steve Merchant right.

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah…

steve: Well they like to know if I’m here.

ricky: Take it as red, they don’t like to know.

steve: The fans do.

ricky: Yeah, um now that was one of my favourite singles of the year.

steve: Yeah, it’s a good song.

ricky: And that’s what we’re going to be doing in this program.

steve: We are going to be playing some of our favourite songs of the year that’s absolutely true.

ricky: We’ll also be playing some songs that maybe we don’t like.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Just for the hell of it.

steve: Yeah ‘cause we’re crazy guys!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We never know what’s going to happen next.

ricky: No, we don’t.

steve: Err, guess who’s pressing the buttons.

ricky: We genuinely don’t!

steve: Well you know who’s pressing the buttons, you can see her but the audience can’t.

ricky: That’s why we don’t know what’s going to happen next.

steve: It’s Sturgess.

ricky: We’ve got Sturgess in.

steve: Claire Sturgess, Xfm’s Claire Sturgess.

ricky: Yep, yep.

steve: She’s stayed off it for just a day.

claire: Yeah…

ricky: She’s not no no she’s just…

steve: She’s clean for a day.

ricky: Are you on methadone or, what you on?

claire: No, no I’m clean now!

ricky: You’re actually clean are you? Well done.

claire: Yeah absolutely.

steve: Yeah well done, congratulations yeah!

claire: Thanks

ricky: That’s great yeah.

steve: You’re Clean for Christmas! That’s beautiful.

ricky: You’re still thieving though aren’t you!

steve: Still the thieving, you just can’t lose the thieving.

ricky: Just out of habit and it…But at least the money now goes on you know like 40 Benson as opposed a little £5 starter pack…of Skag.

steve: It’s lovely, yeah. Aw it’s sweet! It’s nice to see a little a little miracle for Christmas, Rick. Its beautiful.

ricky: Yeah, yeah it’s lovely yeah!

steve: Yeah I’m already in the Christmas mood. Are you in the Christmas mood?

ricky: I don’t…the thing is though what she’s still got left over from it and these are the scars and the reminders of your smackhead thieving days.

ricky: Oh, those little homemade tattoos on her face.

steve: Exactly, exactly.

ricky: That she did with a pin!

steve: Yeah, she looks like Seal.

ricky: Yeah and some Quink.

steve: Exactly ha-ha.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

steve: Ah but no, Merry Christmas to you Claire.

ricky: Yeah, Merry Christmas.

claire: Thank you, Merry Christmas to you.

steve: You still living in the Projects?

claire: Yeah.

ricky: It is, it is one of those little miracles…

steve: She’s still keeping it real, it’s wonderful.

ricky: Like that little Tiny Tim.

steve: I tell you what; she’s a bit like Jesus Christ.

ricky: In a way yeah, yeah

steve: In a way.

ricky: That’s blasphemous, please play a record Claire.

steve: Linkin Park and one of their songs... Gervais, quick, come on mate. He's gotta, he's coming back from the kitchen with a couple of cups of tea. It's like, he's won an award, he don't care now, "I'll turn up whenever I want to." Maybe we should do a "Twin Spin", Sturgess.

claire: Do you want another record?

steve: Yeah, play something, play something.

claire: Here you are then.

ricky: Paul Weller, The Changingman. The Modfather...

steve: That's true enough.

ricky: ...as they call him.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: You see... now... you... eurgh. You told the listeners that I was just too big to be here because I'd won some award.

steve: Yes.

ricky: I was actually making the tea for all of us, wasn't I.

steve: It's awful, this tea.

ricky: That's the... That's not the point! I shouldn't be making tea, a man of my position.

steve: You're right, you shouldn't be making tea, this is awful.

ricky: Oh...

steve: What, how do you... How do you actually go about the tea? You understand how a cup of tea is made?

ricky: But, I, I, I...

steve: You know you've gotta put a tea bag in there?

ricky: No, this is weird, right, because I actually can't make a good cup of tea or coffee, and it's strange, it must be something metaphysical. I put all the right ingredients in, just like everyone else does, and I boil the kettle and everything, but people do go, "This is rubbish".

steve: Can I tell you where you're going wrong?

ricky: Go on.

steve: Laziness.

ricky: Why?

steve: Because you literally don't leave the tea bag in long enough. You literally dunk it in there, and throw it away.

ricky: I was trying to get back in time because I've got a show.

steve: No you weren't, I saw you talking with Dermot O'Diddley, so don't give me that. And I've been round to your house before... There's been times, Sturgess, when I've tasted the tea and it's tasted like washing up liquid. And I've said "What happened?" and he went "There were some bubbles in there, yeah...".

ricky: Well I...

steve: "Could you not have rinsed it out with some water first?", "No, I didn't have time..."

ricky: Well don't... Well yeah, but I, I resent having to make tea.

steve: Yeah, but don't teach me a lesson! You, like, don't offer someone a cup of tea and then think "I'll teach them a lesson, they won't be asking for tea again."

ricky: Well, it usually works. But, yeah...

steve: I've had to go and get an extra tea bag and dunk it in here, it's ludicrous!

ricky: I know, it's mad innit?

steve: It's pathetic. Anyway, it's Christmas, let's not, let's not disrespect each other, let's be cheery.ricky: Yeah.

steve: Can I tell Sturgess what you got your family for Christmas last year? I just remembered when I was outside.

claire: Oh please, please.

steve: It was a joy, because Gervais is a generous man, and he's a thoughtful man, and he's got a lot of brothers and sisters, and a lot of nephews, and, and nieces and stuff...

ricky: Well I've got about twenty people to get presents for.

steve: Yeah, you got, exactly, it's a tricky business, that's why I think, was it, you got them two hundred pounds worth of lottery scratch cards.

ricky: On the, I er, I had about a minute, I was getting a lift down to Reading, and uh, it was my mate, Jimmy, and uh, I went "Hold on, I've just gotta get the presents!" and I just ran into the 7/11 opposite me and got two hundred quids worth of scratch cards.

steve: That's amazing! It's such a working class, gyppo gift, isn't it?

claire: But, did any of them work? Anyone win anything?

ricky: Yeah, yeah. I mean, some people were down, that was your present, hard luck.

ricky: That's the risk you take when you accept this present. Some people were up seventy pounds, so they had a great Christmas.

steve: Let's bare in mind that there's, like, some children who are, like, seven or eight, you know scratching off scratch cards. They've gotta be eighteen to claim them.

steve: And just the rest of your family sort of, I can imagine, just wrestling them off. "You can't claim it anyway, sod off."

ricky: No it's... "Have I won?", "No, no you haven't, no."

steve: "I've got three dumbells!"

ricky: "Three the same, you don't get anything for that, not in this game. Unlucky."

steve: Are you gonna do that again this year?

ricky: Maybe, yeah.

ricky: Mercury Rev, The Dark Is Rising. That sounds like, a bit like a tribute to Neil Young.

steve: Beautiful, I thought it was a wonderful record, a, a great record...

ricky: It was lovely, we're gonna play some lovely records today...

steve: Oh, there'll be some beautiful songs...

ricky: ...Steve. Alright?

steve: That's true e- What did you call me then?

ricky: Steve.

steve: Did you call me something else before?

ricky: No...

steve: I didn't hear, I thought maybe you'd...

ricky: No...

steve: ...callled me, I dunno, Jonathan or something.

steve: No, I don't know, I don't know. Erm... I, I didn't hear, I got paranoid. Erm... Er... Christmas! We were talking about Christmas...

ricky: Yeah, we were.

steve: Erm... Gifts... What's wrong now?

ricky: I dunno what that meant.

steve: What?

ricky: Were you having a go at me because I went on the Jonathan Ross show?

steve: No, no, no, I thought you'd said something, you'd said my name by mis-, you'd said someone else's name when you were talking to me...

ricky: Oh right.

steve: ...but I didn't hear that, so when I heard you just go "Steve", I thought you were correcting a mistake you hadn't made.

ricky: No, no...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Ok, alright.

steve: You see? Blunder.

ricky: What did you call me?

steve: Fatty.

ricky: Good.

steve: Erm...

ricky: Right...

steve: Er...

ricky: We were talking about Christmas, yeah.

steve: Yes, yes...

ricky: Well it is Christmas innit?

steve: 'Cause it's just the fact that, it's...

ricky: It's the right time of year to talk about it to be honest, it's topical.

ricky: So... Let's carry on, go on, shoot.

steve: Well, I just wondered if your Christmas, er, gift buying had always been as, er, thoughtful as it is...

ricky: Oh, well no that was, you see that was actually, even though it was sort of pretty lazy and thoughtless, it was quite generous in a sense...

steve: Yes...

ricky: ...the financial se- But I remember... Oh... Oh God... Now, even though I sort of come from a working class, a working class family, and my dad was, erm, you know, a labourer and my mum was, like, a housewife, BUT, I was spoilt at Christmas. I, you know, I didn't have like pocket money, or gifts and that, but, you know, she'd get it out the catalogue and pay for it the first year, so I did have great presents.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And 'cause I had older brothers and sisters, they were earning, so I had good presents. And it was ok for me to, you know, give them nothing, or do a card, or something rubbish, but then I remember one year when I just suddenly realised I was too old to be doing this. It was like, it was like, you know in Jaws when it pulls focus...

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: ...and you go "Oh my God", and I just realised, "That's the worst present you've ever...". I think I was about twelve or thirteen, and, I remember it now, my sister had got me a Cat Stevens album...

steve: Great.

ricky: ...I think a, a, a birdhouse, er, and, like, a quiz book...

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: ...or something. And, it was my turn to give her her present, and it was a bottle of shampoo that I'd found in the bathroom and wrapped up.

ricky: It was a big, jumbo, one of those Tescos, you know...

steve: Had it not already been used?

ricky: No, I don't think so, my mum had bought it, like, you know...

steve: You just topped it up with water, wrapped it up.

ricky: And I just, no I just gave it to her and she went, "Oh, thanks." and I thought...

steve: That's outrageous!

ricky: ..."Oh, God, that's rubbish."

steve: That's really bad.

ricky: It's rubbish innit?

steve: That's really bad.

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: I remember one year, erm, I really wanted a Scalextric, and I was going, "I want a Scalextric." and my mum was going, "No, you'll just get bored of it, I know what you're like..."

ricky: Yep.

steve: "...you'll get bored of it and we'll have spent all that money and you'll be bored." And I was going, "No, I won't, I'll love it, I'll love it, I'll play with it forever." and they said, and she was going, "No, you won't, you won't." and I was going, "I will, I'll love it." And so she bought me a Scalextric, and I unwrapped it, and I was using it, I was using it, I was bored instantly.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But I didn't tell her, I pretended I loved it, and so, like, I'd always be playing it monotonously, hating it...

ricky: I know.

steve: ...going, "I'm loving this, mum, this is absolutely brilliant, you were wrong, you were so wrong, I'm loving it."

ricky: I know... Er, er, er, the thing is with Scalextrics, I, I think it was great at the time, but you, erm, I think it was an Xfm party actually, years ago, when they got Scalextrics, and loads of adults thinking, "Oh yeah, I used to love it. Rubbish."

steve: Yeah, really rubbish.

ricky: It's, it's tiny...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...it's about two foot long...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...you go...

ricky: ..."Put it back, put it back on."...

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: ..."There you go."...

ricky: ..."Oh, could you put it back on?"

steve: Exactly.

steve: You want it, you want it to at least, kind of, change into a robot...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...or kind of, come off and just drive round the...

ricky: Course, these days it's all virtual, Steve...

steve: That's true enough.

ricky: ...innit? In your mind...

steve: Well, we all take a pill...

ricky: Yep, yep...

steve: ...don't we, Rick and then we're in some kind of fantasy world...

ricky: ...and then, yeah, I am, I am Ayrton Sennor for a little while.

steve: What about those bloody computer games...

ricky: Ohh, God...

steve: ...no one's reading a book anymore, are they?!

ricky: "Mummy, what's a tree?", "Download."

steve: That's true enough.

ricky: Well, I tell you what, I'm gonna play a song now... I think I've dissed U2 for about fifteen years, but I got 'em wrong and I'm gonna play a lovely track off, erm, the latest album, it's the last track on the album, Ground Beneath Her Feet, it's from, er, All You Can't Leave Behind...

steve: Beautiful song.

ricky: ...and, er, I think it's one of their greatest works.

ricky: Live Forever, Oasis. Still good that one.

steve: It is very good.

ricky: That's... 1993, '94...

steve: It's mad, isn't it?

ricky: Long time ago, aye?

steve: Amazing...

ricky: Cor, all those years ago, when they were setting out, they were great and they...

steve: Yeah, before they became embarrassing.

ricky: Well, they might, they could still come back...

steve: They could still come back.

ricky: Their, their last album's not as good as their, you know, their first one and two and, you know, but, you know, who knows, Steve?

steve: Well, exactly, exactly.

ricky: Yeah... Go on.

steve: Erm... it's been a good year for hip hop, Rick. Can I surprise you...

ricky: Go on.

steve: ...err, I've gone off hip hop of recent years, but I've, er, I've been charmed this year by Bubba Sparxxx' album, I thought was fun...

ricky: Yeah, sure, sure, sure...

steve: ...erm, I think De La Soul had an album this year which I've enjoyed, that was good, very good...

ricky: Yep, they did, they did, they did...

steve: ...er, I didn't mind the Jay-Z album...

ricky: Er, you see I liked a couple of tracks on that..

steve: Yeah, some alright on there, I actually quite liked...

ricky: Izzo was great...

steve: ...this new Outkast compilation, don't know if that's out yet or maybe it's just gonna come out in the new year...

ricky: I was disappointed by the album, I bought it on the street...

steve: Well, Rick, can I surprise you, there's a new little compilation...

ricky: I like the little owl, I like the owl and the cat and the dog...

steve: The new little compilation, Rick...

ricky: Go on...

steve: ...has lots of tracks from their previous albums and other singles and it's a good little dynamite buy. There's...

ricky: Steve...

steve: ...something for the new year in the sales.

ricky: ...just gonna make a note of that, I'm gonna buy that on the way home.

steve: Do it. Erm, but the album that I was particularly charmed by, Princess Superstar Is.

ricky: Well I...

steve: Now a lot of people have been dismissing her as a bit of a novelty...

ricky: No...

steve: ...er, sort of rapper, erm...

ricky: They said the same about Timmy Mallet, so don't listen to them. Don't listen to them!

steve: That's what I'm saying, so, erm, another track we, we played a while back, Untouchable Part 2, which was dynamite...

ricky: Yep...

steve: ...and this is another track, I think this was a single, it's called, er, Bad Babysitter, she raps very quickly, but listen carefully because the lyrics are fun.

ricky: Slow it down a little bit, Claire, so we can hear it.

ricky: Tell us about it, Steve.steve: From the album, Princess Superstar Is, Princess Superstar and Bad Babysitter... Did you enjoy it, Rick?

ricky: Yeah, I did...

steve: Good, good...

ricky: Yeah, I, I, I like that...

steve: Yeah...

ricky: That's two, that's two out of two from that album I've liked.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: I think I'll go and buy the album on the way home...

steve: Do it, make another note of that, Rick...

ricky: ...just make a little note...

steve: You've got Outkast to buy...

ricky: ...of that, Outkast...

steve: ...which has not actually been released yet, but I'm sure you can pull some strings.

ricky: I'll, er, yeah, I'll get someone onto that...

steve: Jolly good.

ricky: Good, ok, Xfm 104.9, it's The Ricky Gervais Show.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Can I stop you there?

steve: Go on.

ricky: With Steve Merchant.

steve: Thanks very much.

ricky: No worries, yeah, cheers. Er, talking about presents earlier and I've just remembered something else I had. Erm, er, I was, I was just into science from like, the age of like 5, 6 to about, erm, I suppose 18, 19. I'm still into it, but, erm, I studied it and I absolutely loved it, and I got a microscope set, when I was about, I suppose 10 or 11, and, er, just looking at butterfly wings and just anything under there, like, three hundred times, I thought, "This is amazing." right? And in it came these little shrimp eggs, and, er, you can look at them and then you could sort of, you could breed them. You had to put them in salt water solution and then keep them at a certain temperature and they think, "Ooh, and a nice little beach." and then they'd come out.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What I did, speed up the process a little bit.

ricky: Popped it on the electric fire...

ricky: ...right, on a, we had a fake, one of those fake plastic coal things with one of those little metal things that turned round from the heat and made it look like flames... It didn't.

steve: No...

ricky: I'll be honest, it didn't.

steve: 'Cause, who the hell was fooled...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...someone's coming in going, "You've got a lovely roaring fire there."

ricky: Yeah, yeah, "The flames are encased behind that plastic coal..."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: "...but I love it." Popped them on there, left them there for a little while. Bit too hot.

ricky: Came back, hmm, just melted really, just dry and the thing was slightly warped. So, them shrimps did not see the light of day.

steve: Once again, your laziness...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...and slothfulness just, "I've gotta speed up the experiment, come on..."

ricky: Absolutely.

steve: "...I, I can advance nature...

ricky: Yeah, exactly...

steve: "...come on!

ricky: ...yeah. Erm...

steve: Do you stand in front of a microwave just going, "Come on!"

ricky: "Come on, come on." Yeah...

steve: "A minute and a half for soup?"

ricky: It's ridiculous, isn't it?

ricky: Yeah, so...

steve: That's majestic.

ricky: Yeah, but I learnt my lesson...

steve: Yeah...

ricky: ...now I, I, I make sure the shrimps are the right temperature.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: That's terrible, isn't it.

steve: You reminded me of something I was gonna say then, but I can't remember. I've embarrassed myself live on air.

ricky: Yeah...

steve: Should've kept that quiet...

steve: ...no one would've known! No one was there thinking, "I wish Steve would say something now, it's crazy, I hope he thinks up a story."

ricky: "What's Steve gonna say!?" Yeah.

steve: I know what it was, it was about, you said about the, erm, about the sort of, the fire and that, that idea of kind of buying a-. It's like when people buy a fake Rolex watch...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...and they tell people it's fake. Utter waste of time.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Why have you told me that? It's like, what, you're not, you're, "I'm getting one over on the Rolex people!"

ricky: But, you, you, you, you're, you're right and that's right, but the point is why buy a fake Rolex watch? I mean, why buy a Rolex watch, I'm trying to think, they're more expensive...

steve: Well, they look good, they look nice.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And it's a, but it's a transparent display of wealth, but it's when there's like a builder, who you knows on, like, five pound an hour, wearing a Rolex.

ricky: You're joking aren't you, Steve?

ricky: Pod carriers can get upward of five hundred and fifty pounds a day.

ricky: So you've embarrassed yourself.

steve: I don't know anything, it seems like I don't know anything about the building industry anymore.

ricky: Unbelievable.

steve: Do you know once I, my friend showed off this watch that he'd bought and, a guy, a sort of dodgy bloke had sold it to him on the street...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...and he'd been up in London and some guy on Oxford Street had sold him this watch, and it looked really good, and it worked fine for years, and, and it just looked classy, and I thought, "Wow, that's brilliant." And I came to London, for something, and I walked up and down Oxford Street for two and a half hours, trying to get sold a dodgy watch. And I'd be going up to people, like, selling lighters and going, "Yeah, not interested in lighters, got any, er, watches?"

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And he'd go, "No, I haven't got any watches..."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "...go down to the perfume guy." And I'd go down to the perfume guy, "Yo, any watches?"

ricky: I love the idea of, they saw you go down, "Can I have a watch?" and they go, "No."

steve: I know.

ricky: "It's a... bad advertisement, mate. If people see you walking around with this it's not good for trade" "What, how dare you. Send me one of those stolen watches." "Can't do it mate. More than my job's worth."

ricky: Ten Benson that’s Black Snow, that’s a great tune.

steve: Good song isn’t it.

ricky: I love it. It’s sort punk but it’s got more in common with stuff like Steppenwolf and Bad Company.

steve: My only worry is that erm, are they like eighteen year olds who, like Gomez, are trying to sound like they’ve kind of had a rough hard living life?

claire: No no no.

steve: They are old fourty somethings?

claire: Well no no they’re not they sort of but they’re, they’re dirty.

steve: Good good.

claire: Yeh.

steve: You notice that Steve Taylor, the man with the knowledge, just popped in then.

ricky: Just popped in.

steve: Wished us a merry Christmas and I noticed Claire you said something like err, has he got another kid did you say?

claire: Yeh.

steve: How many children has he got?

claire: I think he’s got the two now. Yeh.

steve: Clearly he has got the knowledge hasn’t he, in every sense.

ricky: Yeh.

steve: I imagine he’s a great lover.

ricky: He knows…

steve: I imagine he’s got wonderful fingers.

ricky: He knows what buttons.

steve: Magic fingers.

ricky: Well he’s actually got little toady hands, he uses a lot of utensils.

steve: Yes.

ricky: He's invented all these little things that go…

steve: Exactly.

ricky: And it’s over very quickly so he can get on with learning.

steve: Pleasure gloves!

ricky: Yeh cos even when he’s making love there’s a stack of trivia books.

steve: Exactly, exactly.

steve: Well he can tell you about great shags of the past.

ricky: Yeh yeh he’s heard here he comes.

steve: Here he comes.

ricky: Oh I love him cos you don’t know this listeners but he looks like Penfold off of DangerMouse.

steve: He’s a beautiful man. It hasn’t stopped him breeding!

ricky: Yeh yeh it’s not usually called breeding.

steve: The man with the...

ricky: You don’t usually call it breeding when it’s humans.

steve: Steve Taylor the man with the knowledge.

ricky: Come in, come in.

steve: Merry Christmas to you.

ricky: It’s like Steve Wright and his posse. Alright Merry Christmas.

steve taylor: Hi.

ricky: Hi.

steve taylor: Hi.

steve taylor: Stop that now.

steve: Are you a great ladies man, were you a great ladies man before you were married?

steve taylor: It’s not the sort of thing I normally talk about, I’m married now.

ricky: Because right, because he’s sort of like got a little shaved head and he’s got a beard and its exactly the same colour sort of ginger hair he looks like a tennis ball. It’s just hair of exactly the same length all over his head.

steve taylor: There was no reason for me to come in was there. The abuse was happening without me here.

ricky: Yeh I know.

steve taylor: And now I’ve come in you just continue.

ricky: But say hello so it’s with your blessing and they’ll think were nice. Say Merry Christmas.

steve taylor: Hi, Merry Christmas all listeners.

ricky: So you’re on at five o clock aren’t you?

steve taylor: Erm… yeh.

ricky: Right I’m going to make a note of that.

steve: Make a note of that.

ricky: When I’ve bought those two albums I’m going to listen to Steve Taylor the man with the knowledge on at 5 o’clock on Xfm.

steve: Rick isn’t it incredible because he’s been in since 11 o’clock this morning just compiling information for every record he’ll be playing, the shows only 20 minutes long.

ricky: You know with him it’s cos he’s gotta offload it.

steve: Yeh.

ricky: He’s gotta talk about it all the time cos you know he’s got a huge brain and its...

ricky: …it’s going.

steve: Throbbing.

ricky: All information.

steve taylor: What you playing next Claire?

ricky: Are you bored? Sorry were we boring you, you two?

steve taylor: It’s just that list, isn’t it cute yeh.

steve: Can you tell us about Starsailor what do you know, some interesting facts about Starsailor?

ricky: Come on into the microphone, into the micropole that goes down the loudybox and out to the radiograph in the homes all around Engloid.

steve taylor: They’re rubbish.

ricky: Thank you.

steve: Steve Taylor, controversial view. Still he has bred people.

ricky: Hives, Hives. Before that Starsailor. It’s been a bit of a punk sort of show this hasn’t it.

steve: It has and I’ve enjoyed it.

ricky: You know the whole years been a little bit of a, I blame the strokes but you see I, I, I enjoyed punk, you were too young and don’t care for it but.

steve: Well I have to say if punk the first time round was exciting as I’ve found it this year then I’ve missed out because I’ve really enjoyed it, really enjoyed it.

ricky: See I wanna go and play you all my things like X-Ray Spex and you know things like that now.

steve: Are they as kind of melodic though as things like The Strokes and erm White Stripes and so on? Are they kind of tuneful? ‘Cos…

ricky: Well.

steve: …The White Stripes album…

ricky: Well in fact I’ve picked a very bad example because they were sort of like pop punk and Poly Styrene was almost she wasn’t a… wasn’t a joke but erm they had saxophones and stuff so it’s like.

steve: Right.

ricky: So it’s probably a bad example of early punk. I mean The Sex Pistols summed it all up.

steve: Yeh sure sure.

ricky: But err well we we enjoyed that didn’t we.

steve: We did I have to say though although there has been a nice bit of sort of punky sound this year, for me it’s been very much a year for the geeks. You’d have thought id of enjoyed that but actually...

ricky: Well that’s nu metal though isn’t it?

steve: Well it is the nu metal.

ricky: These people who are like in their bedroom playing sort of computer games and listening to Limp Bizkit…

steve: I can’t believe that nu metal has taken over the world. It’s just incredible.

ricky: Its mad isn’t it, it’s absolutely huge.

steve: Suddenly Linkin Park and err...

ricky: See I don’t mind things like Marilyn Manson cos they’re you know they’re having a go and they’re having a bit of a laugh and you know, but I just.

steve: But it always seemed so perennially un-cool to me when I was younger, anyone who was into that kind of music I just thought loser, and that’s…

ricky: And coming from you.

steve: …Kettle calling the pot black…

ricky: Yeh. Imagine that.

steve: But it’s the year of the geeks but not just cos of nu metal but also kind of these fantasy films with the Harry Potter stuff and now Lord of the Rings it seems like everybody’s obsessed with the fantasy stuff.

ricky: Now it’s cool to play dungeons and dragons.

steve: I know I can’t get over it, I’m stunned.

ricky: Scary isn’t it?

steve: Cos even I was never into that rubbish.

ricky: No definitely not.

steve: Its like people who are still obsessed with Harry Potter, they go I’m rereading harry potter for the third time and I’m thinking listen I haven’t read it, I’m sure it’s very good but your rereading it for the third time? There are books out there written by adults for adults, with like sex and other exciting things in…

ricky: Yeh.

steve: And its Harry Potter yeh like in case you’ve missed something the first time round.

ricky: But maybe they’re learning the spells.

steve: I’m just I’m stunned by it I mean I have you read it all Claire, are you all up on this?

claire: What Harry Potter? I actually went out and bought the first Harry Potter book and lost interest half way through.

steve: Of course.

claire: Because there was no sex in it.

steve: No exactly.

claire: So I couldn’t be bothered.

steve: It’s like why I never go and see any Disney films, because there’s never the prospect of any nudity if that’s, if there’s no chance of nudity.

ricky: You see I think you’re actually buying the wrong books, what you wanna buy Steve is a pornographic magazine.

steve: Tell me more.

ricky: Well in there, you see, what you get is…

steve: Ladies?...

steve: Are there ladies?

ricky: Sometimes.

steve: Nudey ladies?…

ricky: Sometime Ladies…

ricky: Stereophonics and the theme tune to BBC 2’s The Office, Handbags and Gladrags.

steve: Absolutely. Erm…

ricky: See I think we should be playing Christmas songs as well though. Merry Christmas war is over… great.

claire: …Is it really?

ricky: What?

claire: The theme tune to The Office?

ricky: I thought you meant, yeh, I thought you meant is war really over, it is, thanks John. It is. It is yeh. To be fair Rod Stewart did it first.

steve: And we don’t use the Steorophonics version.

ricky: No or the Rod Stewart version.

claire: Thank you.

ricky: Too expensive.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: You see.

steve: Cost a fortune.

ricky: Had to rerecord it.

steve: Yep little known facts.

ricky: Yeh.

steve: Should save that for the DVD.

ricky: Or Steve Taylor would have blown it anyway wouldn’t he. He would have come on with the knowledge and told them everything.

steve: I was thinking actually…

ricky: Fairytale of New York.

steve: Beautiful song.

ricky: Can we find that?

steve: I’m sure everyone’s playing it at the moment.

ricky: Yeh… Let’s not play it.

steve: Its good we should play it.

ricky: Let’s play ‘Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time’ by Paul McCartney.

steve: Can we play err ‘Driving Home for Christmas, Chris Rea.’

claire: Ohh!

ricky: There’s a lyric in that that goes err… he’s in the car driving home for Christmas and he looks over at the other bloke in the other car and goes ‘he’s just the same as me.’

steve: Yeh I was thinking that as well.

ricky: ‘He’s just the same as me.’

steve: All ‘driving home for Christmas.’

ricky: Is he saying he’s copied him? ‘Oi, why are you wearing...that’s the same as me that is.’

steve: What did you get your misses? The same is it?

ricky: Youuu are you a stalker? I’m Chris Rea!

steve: Hello!

ricky: Yeh just going back to Newcastle.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: That’s how they talk innit.

steve: Is that where he’s from?

ricky: Yep yep yep. Isn’t it, Middlesbrough or Newcastle or…

steve: Do you remember when Rea made a film?

ricky: …Cleveland… Go on.

steve: Chris Rea made a film. They all did like Dave Stewart made that film with the All Saints, ‘Honest’, no one went to see it.

ricky: No.

steve: And Chris Rea made a film which was like a kind of fantasy thing where I think Shirley Bassey turned up in it where he was like, have you ever seen this?

claire: No but ooh! Ooh! No I can’t tell you. I’ll tell you off air.

steve: Really is it outrageous, is it libellous to Chris Rea?

claire: No no, I had to interview Chris Rea about this.

steve: Really?

claire: And Shirley Bassey was there and she pulled up in her limo.

ricky: That’s a weird interview.

steve: It’s incredible.

claire: Don’t ask me, don’t ask me.

ricky: What were you doing it for?

claire: It was for some satellite TV.

steve: And what did Bassey say did she…

ricky: Bassey!

claire: When Bassey came into Pinewood studios…

ricky: Bassey!

claire: When she came in we all had to leave the set so she could drive through the set, we all had to leave so she could drive in.

steve: Incredible.

claire: Umhum.

ricky: No!

claire: Just thought I’d tell you that.

steve: Blimey.

claire: It’s very boring really I wish I hadn’t told you that.

ricky: What do you mean? She drove her car into the set?

claire: No she was driven into Pinewood studios.

ricky: Right.

claire: Into wherever they were filming and we had to all leave as she arrived.

steve: But why did you have to leave?

claire: Because I dunno.

ricky: Because she knew what you do Sturgess.

claire: She didn’t like me.

ricky: She went ‘I don’t want that smack head around when I’m here’.

steve: ‘I’ve got some valuables in here.’

ricky: Yeh yeh… Sturgess.

steve: ‘Diamonds are forever and especially when she’s around.’

claire: Anyway I never saw the film Steve in answer to your question so...

steve: Yeh well I don’t think anyone did but err the fact that Chris Rea got money to make a film. I mean has he released a song for years?

ricky: He’s still going.

steve: Is he?

ricky: He probably got a little bit of back catalogue going.

steve: You mention Paul McCartney as well we were talking about that with Steve Taylor and I’m wondering because we were talking about his money and the fact that he’s got loads of wealth, and that’s fair enough and he obviously deserves it. But what I’m wondering is he’s got to he’s such…

ricky: Steve, does anyone deserve it?

steve: Unless they spread it around, Rick.

ricky: Politics. Politics.

steve: But erm I mean obviously he must be one of the richest men certainly in this country and I’m sure you know internationally.

ricky: Yeh.

steve: Millions, I don’t know if he’s reached the billion mark yet, but I’m wondering to myself, why doesn’t he spend some of that money making his misses like a bionic leg? That be amazing, you know what I mean?

ricky: God!

steve: She could like leap over buildings and stuff that’d be genius.

ricky: Well she wouldn’t leap she’d hop.

steve: Cos if I had that much money I would.

ricky: She could only hop.

steve: She’d just be running round in a circle.

ricky: She’d win all those sports games at school easy.

steve: Yeh.

ricky: Just one hop.

steve: Exactly yeh.

ricky: One hop and she’s won.

steve: I mean it’d just be incredible cos I don’t know, I mean the bionic man it was expensive then wasn’t it.

ricky: 6 million then Steve, but Christ knows what it’d cost now.

ricky: With inflation, six million dollars of course, that’s only about four million pounds Stirling.

steve: Yeh.

ricky: But now that was like ‘74 or summat.

steve: It’d cost you a fortune.

ricky: It’d be hundreds of millions wouldn’t it.

steve: Oh I wouldn’t even wanna guestimate.

ricky: But he he he got the eye that’s useful.

steve: Yep.

ricky: He can, well, see miles away erm he’s got the two legs cos you need the two legs for running. Wouldn’t it be…

steve: Did he have the two legs?

ricky: Yeh of course he did otherwise he’d be hopping wouldn’t he.

steve: Yeh.

ricky: But he err got the one arm only needed the one arm they thought let's not go mad let's not make him completely bionic.

steve: Yeh.

ricky: But the one thing that always worried me, right, was that when he lifted up a truck with his one good arm, why didn’t his back collapse?

steve: Yeh yeh.

ricky: He didn’t have a bionic spine did he?

steve: Sure sure.

ricky: I can see lying on the ground and sort of like doing the sort of leg press, that’d be fine but when he’s standing up his leg, his back would just collapse wouldn’t it?

steve: Yeh. So your beginning to wonder if an astronaut who fell out of an aeroplane while test driving it and was rebuilt as a half robot, you’re wondering if maybe there’s some flaws in that err, in that concept?

ricky: Yeh and Oscar Goldrun… and isn’t it convenient that his girlfriend had the same, two legs one arm and…

steve: I think that’s what drew them closer together though Rick.

ricky: This time she had the ear.

steve: I don’t think he was just on the pull and by chance when he got her undressed he thought ‘my god that looks like a familiar plastic arm’.

ricky: And there was a bionic dog wasn’t there?

steve: And a horse apparently.

ricky: Well why do you need a bionic horse?

steve: I know.

ricky: When you can run at seventy miles an hour you don’t need to get on a horse do you.

steve: Yeh.

ricky: Unless the bloke that had the bionic horse wasn’t bionic and he could run like really fast.

steve: I think the problem was that they’d spent so much money on all these bionic things they just made a bionic horse entered it did it in races.

ricky: Yeh yeh.

steve: Just need to bet on it.

ricky: Get there money back.

steve: Yeh yeh exactly.

ricky: Steve Austin he’s not turning up, he’s swanning round.

steve: They are a very costly investment.

ricky: Does anyone remember Bionic Man is this just… yeh? It’s all shown again innit on Bravo.

steve: Everyone knows who the bionic man is.

ricky: Oh no sci-fi.

claire: Oh just ask Camfield about it.

ricky: I bet he loves it doesn’t he.

steve: Cos Camfield’s only fourteen and he knows Bionic Man.

ricky: I know yeh he’s been watching it for thirteen and a half years.

steve: Sturg, yeh let's play another song because its we just played a cover version of Handbags and Gladrags.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Great song really good yeh and I’ve been playing cover versions all year and one of my favourites was this...

ricky: ‘Run for cover’.

steve: ..I played a long time back I think actually I think I played this when we were standing in for Dermot O’Diddily.

ricky: Yeh he was back today wasn’t he? Just pops up when he wants.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Doesn’t he.

steve: But err I’m not going to play any cover versions in the New Year.

ricky: Go on.

steve: ‘Cover me up’ or ‘cover me bad’ that’s going to be scrapped.

ricky: ‘Run for Cover.’ Well I’ve finished with my err well I call it ‘Film Review.'

steve: Sure yeh, yeh so were going to have all new features in the New Year.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But this err this is I’d love to play this again this is Once around the Block as done by the Kings of Convenience. Play this Claire, lovely.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There was a, I think a short lived, erm, kind of, er, new folk movement wasn't there, this year, that kind of came and went, and the Kings Of Convenience were supposed to be part of that, and their album, er, Quiet Is The New Loud, I thought was an absolute treat, a lot of people just, sort of, ignored it...

ricky: Lovely. Lovely track, lovely version...

steve: But that, er, that was never actually on the album, that was from the Toxic Girl single, and that's Once Around The Block by Badly Drawn Boy, as done by the Kings Of Convenience.

ricky: Beautiful. This is great innit coming in and just, like, playing songs...

steve: Aww, man, it's a, it's a lovely, lovely job.

ricky: Do you think the listeners enjoy this as much as we do?

steve: I... would imagine not.

ricky: No, I don't think so either...

steve: No, no...

ricky: But, does that... make us bad people?

steve: No, I don't think it does...

ricky: No...

steve: It makes us wealthy people.

ricky: And lucky, very lucky.

steve: That's true enough.

ricky: PJ Harvey...

steve: Lovely.

ricky: Love it, great. I'm loving this, Steve...

steve: Yeah, no, it's great.

ricky: Nearly Christmas, I had a couple of chocolates there, didn't I?

steve: Ooh, yeah...

ricky: The purple ones in Roses...

steve: Mm...

ricky: ...very much like the Quality Street one, the hazelnut and the toffee.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But...

ricky: ...getting me in the mood, now I know you, you're a fan like me, er, you love the roast dinner.

steve: Awww...

ricky: We love the roast dinner, but the über roast dinner is the Christmas dinner.

steve: Hoo, hoo, I'm looking forward to it...

ricky: No, I'm thinking about it now! I can't believe how many different sorts...

steve: Mmmm...

ricky: ...of meats you're going to have in your house!

steve: Well, we always have the turkey obviously, traditional...

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

steve: ...plus, we always have a little bit of pork, a little bit of lamb.

ricky: Ooh, God, and the, don't, don't forget the sausage, you know...

steve: Well, I love the fact that someone's designed the turkey, er, Christmas dinner and then they've thought, "Wait a minute, I also want a little sausage, and let's wrap it in bacon."

ricky: Why not? Let's have some stuffing in it as well...

steve: "Let's have as, can we have some, can we have ALL the meats that are available?"

ricky: Someone said, "Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, there's sausage meat in the stuffing..." and they went, "Well, sue me."

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: "Sue me if I want a bit of extra sausage." You know what I mean?

ricky: It's the, it's the greatest, it's the work of art! And it takes hours!

steve: It's genius... Rick, can I ask you...

ricky: Go on...

steve: ...what kind of veg you're gonna end up with this year?

ricky: Veg, well, I just love the roast potato. I mean, people have tried to sneak in brussel sprouts...

steve: 'Cause you don't eat vegetables or anything green, do you?

ricky: No, I try not to eat...

claire: Parsnip, parsnips!

ricky: I love parsnips, but when they're crisp and crunchy, like a, like a trendy crisp...

steve: Yes...

ricky: ...in a wine bar.

ricky: I love it when, you know, yeah, I love that.

steve: Can I, we'll be having carrots, we'll be having leeks, we'll be hav-ing... brussels, obviously...

ricky: Yeah...

steve: ...I like brussels...

ricky: ...yeah...

steve: Erm, and there's all-, we'll all-, my mum will always throw in a little bit of something crazy, maybe there'll be a little bit of red cabbage, something wild, something exotic, something...

ricky: Or, or, or, or Vim, or a used condom. To be quite honest, I think she's mental, your mother...

ricky: ...she's gotta stop that.

steve: But, who knows any kind of, er, any kind of treats. I'm looking for, I'm just so, and I love the fact about the Christmas dinner is that people are taking weeks, years planning it.

ricky: I know...

steve: They take, you know, they, months kind of, they've gotta' defrost...

ricky: Have you told, can you talk about your, your grandparents...?

steve: Well, my grandparents, of course, the thing about my grandparents, I have mentioned this before...

ricky: I love this.

steve: ...I don't think they, I think they've got about three teeth between them. It's unbelievable, they, they, my grandfather...

ricky: They're all their own though!

steve: ...he was in the RAF, in the war, right, and he, for some reason he had problems with his teeth and they pulled them all out...

ricky: Oh, really...

steve: ...and they replaced them with, erm, with, er, a false set of false teeth, but during the war time, I don't know whether this was just, like, what it was like during the war, or just the '40s, but he had a kind of wooden plate put in with, like, some kind of fake teeth attached...

ricky: Oh no...

steve: ...erm, and he's never had that changed. So, now, he's still got the wooden plate but about three teeth still hanging on it...

ricky: Uhhh...

steve: ...it's just that, so, he and my grandmother combined, they cannot eat anything that's kind of, solid. So they will literally get up for Christmas dinner, they'll get up and they'll put the meat on, like, it's six in the morning, go back to bed for the day, get up and eat it about nine o'clock at night. And they, and the best compliment you could have if you've cooked dinner for my grandparents is, "Aw, this is lovely, you can suck it away..."

ricky: Yeah...

steve: Imagine that, imagine going to suck...

ricky: Why don't they just liquidise it, have a nice little roast smoothie?

steve: They have done, in the past...

ricky: Really, and a little apple crumble smoothie to follow.

steve: If we take them out to f-, if we take them out to eat, er, like a restaurant or something, we've gotta phone ahead to make sure there's fish on the menu...

ricky: Really...

steve: ...'cause they can only have fish, but then the bones you see, that's a problem for them.

ricky: Well, you can take the bones out of fish, can't you, sort of mash it up...

steve: Yeah, but the eyes'll go in as well...

ricky: Steve, could I suggest the fish cake...

ricky: It's already mashed, it's with the potato, it's in a crispy crumb which doesn't hurt anyone, whether you've got teeth or not...

steve: Rick, can I, erm...

ricky: Go on.

steve: ...make a little...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...I just wanna make a...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...'cause obviously not everyone's as fortunate at Christmas, Rick...

ricky: No, well...

steve: ...what about the vegetarians? What are they eating?

ricky: A nut cutlet.

steve: What the hell is a nut cutlet?!

ricky: A lovely little nut cutlet. Can't they have, like, tofu but, but in the shape of a turkey?

steve: But I love the fact that so often, you know, certainly your Linda McCartney veggie item, they always try to fool you into thinking it's the real thing... You know, some veggie sausages, that they've injected with something so they'll taste like sausages.

ricky: Yeah...

steve: Eat the real thing!

ricky: I like, you don't really need it that arbitrary shape, if it's, you might as well just have it any shape...

steve: What angers me with the vegetarians, Rick...

ricky: You could have any shape, couldn't ya?

steve: ...what angers me with the vegetarians and the vegans, even worse, is that we're breeding all these animals to be eaten!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They're gonna get slaughtered anyway, chow down! Come on!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Those chickens in those little, kind of, pens, you know, four of them in a little square box...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, they're crapping eggs out every couple of minutes!

ricky: Yeah... You're not a zoologist, are you?

steve: I'm not officially, no...

ricky: Yeah...

steve: ...but I know what I'm talking about...

ricky: Yeah, you do.

steve: ...I've, I've seen brochures...

ricky: Yeah, yeah...

steve: ...I've walked passed a farm while on holiday.

ricky: "Excuse me farmer, could, erm, your finest hens crap me some eggs for my tea?"

ricky: "No worries."

ricky and steve: "Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken, crap a little egg for me!"

ricky: Brilliant...

steve: Aww, old Christmas classic...

ricky: Aww...

steve: But I, no, spare a thought for the vegetarians and, worse still, the vegans.

ricky: Yeah, and, er, what about Travis, what do you think they'll be doing this Christmas?

steve: Having a whale of a time.

ricky: I'll tell you what, Steve, it was an excuse to play the record!

steve: Genius.

ricky: It was a link.

ricky: Travis and Driftwood, on Xfm 104.9. It's the Christmas edition of The Ricky Gervais Show, with Steve Merchant.

steve: Hi...

ricky: I'm loving it.

steve: Yeah, it's good, I'm in the Christmas spirit actually, I have to say.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, definitely.

steve: I do enjoy it, I do enjoy-, will you be looking forward to, I know everyone talks about it, Rick, but Christmas telly?

ricky: I love Christmas telly. Christmas day telly's great, I get up and, and Noel's giving out some presents round hospitals and that, and then you might have the, the, the number ones of the year...

steve: Mm...

ricky: ...from, erm, Top Of The Pops, then you might have a little, I dunno, I don't watch the Queen's speech but, you know, have a little sleep then, don't you...

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: ...maybe after a big roast dinner with too many sausages!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I'm only joking mum, let's have some more!

steve: That's true enough!

ricky: Yeah...

steve: "More chocolate please!"

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, well let's not, you know, there's people starving in the world so let's not rub it in.

steve: Hopefully, they're not listening to the radio.

ricky: No, probably not.

steve: Just scrabbling around in the cold and the dirt, looking for food.

ricky: We are actually laughing about it.

steve: I know...

ricky: We actually, we actually laughed about...

steve: Rick, I find that...

ricky: Go on.

steve: ...if I laugh about it then I can ignore the problem easier.

ricky: Yeah...

steve: Not face up to the horror.

ricky: ...yeah, I know, that, that's too easily done, innit?

steve: Exactly. It's too easy to face the horror of the world, it's better to laugh it off.

ricky: I know. That's what annoys me about buskers.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Because a beggar just sits there and you can pretend you haven't seen him...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: ...whereas a busker's shouting out...

steve: Yeah, drawing attention...

ricky: ...and you wanna go, you know, "Unless you're deaf and blind..." He knows...

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

ricky: ...he knows. So...

steve: Have you cultivated a, kind of, universal, I've cultivated this kind of thing I always do with a beggar, when they offer their hand I just, I don't even say anything anymore, I just sort of, kind of, offer up my hands as though to say, "Look, I have no money in my hands."

ricky: Yeah...

steve: And just a kind of sympathetic turn of the head, and I'll sort of mouth some words like, and it normally involves, "Sorry, mate," or something.

ricky: Yeah...

steve: 'Cause I find it's better to be courteous than, like, kick them in the head or anything like that.

ricky: Yeah, no, I never do that...

steve: The old approach...

ricky: ...and I always acknowledge them, I never, I actually never ignore them...

steve: No.

ricky: ...and sometimes I give depending on, or...it's all situation, innit?

steve: Although I have to say, another, another successful year for me of avoiding the Big Issue salesman, I've never bought a copy of the Big Issue.

ricky: I love the fact that you are actually proud of that.

steve: Well it's got to the point, Rick, where I, I actually am apauled by myself, but it's like it's a contest now. It's like I've managed to do it for so long that it's almost like a competition with myself.

ricky: That's the same as me with reading a novel.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: But, er...

ricky: Yeah, but I blew that in 1987 when I read Catcher In The Rye. I'm still kicking myself.

steve: I, er, I'm looking forward, of course, to, I'm hoping it will be Dennis Norden's Laughter File: Volume Seven.

ricky: Awww, seven, you're having a laugh! Twenty seven!

steve: It used to be It'll Be Alright On The Night, but I think they changed the name to Dennis Norden's Laughter File to fool us.

ricky: Well it's, it's great though, isn't it, because he comes on, "If you're one of those people..."

steve: "If you're one of those people..."

ricky: ...and, erm, "This is something we call... Doorstop."

steve: Yeah...

ricky: And it's sort of like, "Just...what...yeah...." And doesn't he just go into the director's...

steve: "This is one called, Let Sleeping Logs Die."

ricky: Yeah, yeah, it's just... aw, God.

steve: But, what I don't understand is why people, why no one has said to him, or why hasn't he watched that TV, why hasn't he, at Christmas right, he's gone home with the family, he's watched, he's gone, "Come on everyone, let's watch my show," he's watched it and...

ricky: "It's Laughter File 27 with Dennis Norden...that's...me."

steve: His family must have been faking laughter, and why has he not turned round and gone, "Why did no one tell me I'm crap?"

ricky: Yeah, why doesn't he go to Greg Dyke and go, or whatever it's on...

steve: Well, it's ITV isn't it?

ricky: Oh, is it? Well, who's that then?

steve: ITV ta-, their paymasters, they change it every week, whoever took over them.

ricky: Yeah, but go up to him and go, "Just watched, er, me on that Laughter File 27... It's rubbish, isn't it?" and they go, "Yeah...", "Well, why didn't you tell us?", "Well, we thought it'd kill you to be quite honest.", "But, why didn't you let my son take over, or summat?", "Well, Dennis, he's 84..."

steve: "How old am I then?"

ricky: "Well, we don't know. We've had you carbon dated but it's off the scale!", "But, why did you let me carry that stupid file?", "Are you reading this now, Dennis?", "I am, yeah..."

steve: "Well, I can't remember what I've gotta say..."

ricky: "Well, stop, don't read it, just, just speak normally."

steve: "Two coffees please, waiter... I'm on the wrong sheet, I dunno what I'm doing..."

ricky: "No! No!", "This is what we call Talking To The Director General...", "Stop it!"

ricky: But I can't wait for that, yep, and, er...

steve: Dennis Norden's Laughter File...

ricky: ...Oh there is two, two, erm...

steve: Can I just say...

ricky: Go on.

steve: ...who's in the audience of Dennis Norden's...?

steve: Who's, who's gone, "Joan, I've got two tickets for Laughter File, can't believe our luck!"

ricky: Yeah, "I've been on the internet..."

steve: 'Cause they're always lau-, they're cracking up, the people on that show. I've never laughed once!

ricky: Maybe it was an audience that they filmed in 1973, but it was the first time they saw a goalkeeper get hit in the balls...

steve: Yeah...

ricky: ...or summat, or Jackie Charlton or summat, or...

ricky: ...or a dog fall off a slide.

steve: Well, it's people who, it's either old people who just can't remember that they've already seen those clips a thousand times before...

ricky: Yeah, yeah...

steve: ...or, it's, erm, I was always thinking of the people at, erm, what's that show, er, that Beadle used to do...

ricky: Beadle's About?

steve: ...You've Been Framed.

ricky: You've Been Framed...

steve: I think now what's happening is, while Lisa Riley's doing all the scripted jokes, there's just someone stood behind her, maybe just showing a picture of her, like, nude...

ricky: Yeah..

steve: ...or in a bikini, or just pointing and just making jokes at her expense.

ricky: Exactly, yeah.

steve: That's why they're laughing.

ricky: It's lovely Lisa Riley off, er, Emmerdale, of course.

steve: Fatty Riley...

ricky: No, don't say, it's not fat, it might be gla-, you don't know...

steve: It could be glandular...

ricky: No, just stop it, you can't say that sort of thing...

steve: I don't know, I've gone a bit crazy, I've just gone a bit wild...

ricky: No, I know but she, she, what if she's listening to this and she gets a eating disorder, or summat, or, you know, becomes bulemic 'cause of what you, she's probably at home binging now...

steve: I know, I know...

ricky: She's leaving out the vomiting, she can't get her fat fingers in her mouth.

ricky: Anyway...

steve: I'll tell you what, the best gig of the year, surely The White Stripes, Rick, I know everyone's raving about them, let's hear one of their tracks. What's it called again, Claire?

claire: Fell In Love With A Girl!

steve: Lovely.

ricky: Pogues, Kirsty MacColl, Faiytale Of New York. We were just saying, it's just, just a brilliant song, isn't it?

steve: It's genius, it's genius.

ricky: It's great.

steve: And what I love is the fact that it was quite a big hit and it's like sometimes, even a majestic song like that, that normally would get overlooked, just manages to drift up to the surface somehow, and even, you know, the white trash...

ricky: Well, the imagery's great, as well.

steve: It's beautiful.

ricky: How can, "...old slut on junk..." be romantic?

steve: Amazing.

ricky: Well, we're fans.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Sturgess thought he was talking about her.

ricky: Leave it, Sturgess...

steve: You know, in a way...

ricky: ...you're clean, you're clean now.

steve: Exactly, exactly.

ricky: Yeah. Well we got, we got more treats. Erm, after this, we've got Song For The Ladies...

steve: Song For The Ladies...

ricky: We're going out of, erm, sync here a little bit, we're going to play Song For The Ladies as the penultimate track...

steve: Yeah...

ricky: ...because I want to leave them with a Christmas classic, the Joni Mitchell classic, er, er, River. So, look forward to that.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Well, it's been a great show...

steve: It has...

ricky: ...even though I say so myself.

steve: Yeah, yeah, I've enjoyed it.

ricky: You know, I've enjoyed it, looking back over the year...

steve: Rick, can I just...

ricky: ...looking forward to Christmas. Go on.

steve: Can I just throw a thanks, a big thanks out to all the people that have emailed us and phoned in and written to us over the last six months.

ricky: And sent us things...

steve: I think it's about four people who keep doing it...

ricky: Yeah...

steve: ...recycling the same old stuff.

ricky: ...under different names though.

steve: Exactly, but we don't tend to read stuff out but, er, it is appreciated.

ricky: It is, and it's o-, often gets into the show, whether you know it or not.

steve: Exactly, in some way we steal off, steal your jokes and pass them off as our own.

ricky: Nice email from someone there saying there is a... tofurkey?

steve: A tofurkey, yes. A tofu turkey.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You can buy it and the whole trimmings...

ricky: See, and I made that up, I could have written that down and, well, it had already been done, so they said we can't patent a tofurkey.

steve: Sure...

ricky: So I've embarrassed myself again.

steve: Sturgess, are you gonna be driving home for Christmas?

ricky: "Driving home for Christmas..."

claire: No, no, I'm gonna be here, I'm gonna be here.

steve: God, she's working...

ricky: "...he's just the same as me."

steve: She's working on Christmas...

ricky: Are you?

claire: Oh yeah, I'm here, yeah... Someone emailed me the other week saying will I be voice-tracked, over Christmas...

steve: What does that mean?

claire: Well I don't, I'm not quite sure, it's a radio term apparently, but no, I will be live.

ricky: Wow...

steve: On Christmas day?

claire: Oh yes, Christmas day, evening...

steve: So, you can't drink and stuff?

claire: Well...

steve: Well, not as much...

claire: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

steve: ...as you would have liked to, I mean you're always drunk on air, obviously.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, but it's getting to that point, I didn't know she drank until I saw her sober one day...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...one Sunday morning when she came in to do her early show, and she was talking differently...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...she went, "The pub's not open yet."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: And I realised... It's terrible, innit? Well what shall we play now, then?

steve: I dunno, well I've kind of felt like we've sort of exhausted ourselves really, we've run out of stuff to say...

ricky: Have we?

steve: ...we've made all our observations about Christmas.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We've taken a sideways glance at...

ricky: At the sausage...

steve: Yeah, exactly...

ricky: ...awwww, another funny word, stuffing, do you remember when we talked about stu-, do you remember the, it was, I think it was four links ago...

steve: Yeah...

ricky: ...no, no, listen, do you, "We're gonna call it... Sausage Loving."

ricky: And, we talked about all the different things you have on a... plate, and that, and we started off with, like, turkey, and that...

steve: Can I just...

ricky: Go on.

steve: I'm just trying to remember some of the amusing bloopers that took place, er, over the course of the show. Do you remember when you didn't make it back in time for the link, and you were making tea...

ricky: Oooh yeah, I was making tea! What was that one when, erm, I think you said something like, erm, "Er, that was a Right Stri-, White Stripes..."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: You said a word wrong, or summat. Oh, God...

steve: "If you're one of those people..."

ricky: Oh, this is grea-, I'll tell you what, I'd like to play a record because I'd like to talk about this link later.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Shall we play a record?

steve: Yeah, well let's look back on it, like, you know, amusingly, like I Love 1980...

ricky: Aw, God...

steve: Let's do that in a second. So, I'll play a Song For The Ladies, final one of the year, and it's a song which I did play a long time ago, it's absolutely beautiful, it's from Nick Cave's album, er, what was it called again? I think it was called No More Shall We Part, and it's an absolutely magnificent record...

ricky: I'm just remembering the last time you played it.

steve: I know.

ricky: It was brilliant because, you, you introduced it...

steve: Aw...

ricky: ...erm, I think it was Karl...

steve: Pressed the button.

ricky: ...who played it, and we listened to it.

steve: Were we, were we playing Buckaroo or eating Curly Wurlies at the time, I can't remember.

ricky: I was on a space hopper!

steve: Awww...

steve: Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds, Love Letter. Beautiful song.

ricky: That's absolutely beautiful. Well, I'm loving this but we've, er, we've gotta go soon.

steve: Sadly, the clock has beaten us, Rick.

ricky: Erm, but, er, it's the last track that we're gonna play this year...

steve: Mm hm.

ricky: ...it's, er, a lovely track, erm, it starts off with a little bit of Jingle Bells at the beginning...

steve: True enough.

ricky: ...little bit of tribute on the piano. It's Joni Mitchell and The River. Enjoy.

steve: We won't be back, er, next week will we, or the week after, we're off for two weeks.

ricky: No, we're back on the twelfth.

steve: Yeah.

claire: Right, guys, I’ve got some backtiming to do now, so you’ve got 20 seconds, yeah?

ricky and steve: Okay.

ricky: Well, that was uhm… Joni M—she’s getting a bit grumpy, isn’t she?

steve: Oooooh!

claire: No no, I’m backtiming to the football!

ricky: Yeah, backtiming—she, she’s get—grum—there’s only, yeah.

claire: You’ve now got 15 seconds.

ricky: This is Christmas E cold turkey, mate.

steve: Yeah. Exactly.

claire: Ten seconds!

ricky: That was Joni Mitchell, and “The River,” thanks for listening, everybody, I hope you enjoy the shows, don’t take everything we say too seriously, I hope we haven’t offended anyone, we don’t—we love the homeless and… and fat birds, don’t we?

steve: Love ‘em, love ‘em. Merry Christmas to you, Rick.

ricky: Merry Christmas to you.

claire: Yeah, no, no, happy, happy Christmas!

ricky: Christmas.

steve: Christmas E, happy Christmas E.

claire: Yeah. Bye!

ricky: She needs her fix.

claire: Thank you!

ricky: She needs her fix, she’s all grumpy…

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