XFM Vault - S01E09 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: XFM 104.9, kicking off there with the Dandy Warhols, Steve.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Ricky Gervais Show, with me Steve Merchant.

steve: Always let me say that!

ricky: Well, oh I thought you were…

steve: What?

ricky: Five past One, innit.

steve: Already an error has occurred, which is a shame cos it could have been slick.

ricky: But, Steve, we’ve got some great music, I’m on a bit of a soul tip this week, to be honest, I was a bit folky last week, you know, but you’ve got stuff from like early Bowie, some Stevie Wonder, little bit of Groove Armada, we’ve got, we’ve got the classics, we’ve got Coldplay, we’ve got Blur, we’ve got Ash…

steve: Sure, sure.

ricky: We haven’t planned anything for the show…

steve: You’ve got nothing…

ricky: No…

steve: Just reading a list…

ricky: Of songs that I might play…

steve: Thinking that will fill up some time; anything interesting happen to you over the week?

ricky: Errm...

steve: Nope.

ricky: No.

ricky: I just swore off-air and Karl went “never swear in an on-air studio”

steve: I love it when Karl tries to sound like he’s professional and understands the business.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You don’t fool us Karl.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: I wish I could buy, I wish I could buy, like a Karl, you know like those Garfields you can stick on a car window.

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: I reckon they should, we should be able to get a Karl like that, that we could send out as a gift to people.

ricky: That would be lovely wouldn’t it.

steve: Just his little face pressed up against the glass like a window licker.

ricky: Yeah, like a, you’d have to lick his face to stick it.

steve: Yeah, that would be a joy…

ricky: Aww, bless him.

steve: Aww, bless him.

ricky: Or one of those things you throw at a window and it sort of, like, flaps down, they sell ‘em for a quid down Oxford Street.

steve: Yeah, exactly on Oxford Street.

ricky: What are they called?

steve: Or one of those little dancing ones.

ricky: Baby pigeons, that’s what we used to use, or frogs from the pond, that’s cruelty to animals and I don’t condone that, and it was a joke, before the RSPCA phone in and say stop throwing frogs at windows…

steve: Well, people who are listening…

ricky: And I don’t mean the French, by the way, that, that sounds like Xenophobic, before…uh..erm… someone calls in and says stop throwing French people at windows.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So, I’m digging myself into a hole here aren’t I?

steve: Yeah, yeah…

ricky: It’s all gone horribly wrong…

steve: Quick, mention the Germans and then escape…

ricky: Yeah, yeah, I don’t mind the Germans.

steve: No, good.

ricky: Erm, Karl, err...

steve: I was just, I wonder if people know what Karl looks like in the wide world, is there any reason why they should, have you ever been on anything or…?

ricky: He’s sort of, he’s like Moby, he looks like Moby…

steve: He does look like Moby, yeah that’s who he does…

ricky: Does that help?

steve: Is that a compliment?

karl: Sort of a Moby, who’s…

ricky: Manc…

karl: Had a bit of a… tough paper round when he was younger.

ricky: Yeah, that’s right.

karl: Looks a bit more knackered than Moby.

ricky: Yeah, I think so, yeah… See I’ve got, a, I think Moby’s great, whenever he opens his mouth, I sort of think I’d love to be mates with him, he talks sense, he’s interesting, he’s lovely; I don’t like his records, there’s nothing I can do about that, if I ever meet him, if I ever become top mates with him, and after about a few years of us like driving around and having a pint, and going “Ohhh…”, I’d go “Moby, I’ve never liked anything you’ve ever done…”

steve: Is that what you do with your mates, just drive ‘round?

steve: What are you sixteen?

ricky: Never, I’ve never done that…

steve: Go to, go to a car park and just do handbrake turns.

ricky: Never, I’ve haven’t done that since I was like seventeen, and it was like great if someone had a car.

steve: You couldn’t believe that you were just moving.

ricky: I remember once, right, my mate, um, err, Bob, had a car, and there were me and another friend in it and we were young, about eighteen and he did an u-turn when he shouldn’t and a, and this motorbike hit him and came off, and the music, and we went “turn the music down…”, it was really really bad right, and he was there and he was really worried and the motorbike bloke was dazed and he went “are you okay, I’m really sorry…” and he went “yeah…” and I put my head out the window and went “sorry about that mate… that’s the third one today…”

ricky: And this motorbike just looked at him and he went “don’t do that Gervais, why d’you do that…? Why d’you say that…?” I just thought it would be funny, I didn’t really understand the, you know, the severity of this.

steve: I have told on the radio before, about that time when I, I’d just passed my test and I was driving my parents’ Volvo estate and we went off driving down some country lanes, have I mentioned that?

ricky: Is this the one with the…?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I’ve told you have I?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Have I told you Karl?

karl: No, no, go on.

steve: Well, maybe tell you a bit later on.

ricky: Oh let’s play a record…

steve: Yeah, play a record, I’ll tell you later…

ricky: There’s, there’s a great anecdote about a Volvo estate coming up.

steve: Exactly, that’s the kind of stuff you’re getting on XFM this Saturday afternoon.

ricky: Do you want some Coldplay or what?

steve: Oh I’d love to…

ricky: Coldplay, Don’t Panic.

ricky: That’s the title of the song as well as what I was saying.

steve: Clever.

ricky: In fact I was just saying the title of the song, if I’m being honest and making it sound like it was conversation, XFM 104.9, it’s the Ricky Gervais Show with Steve Merchant.

steve: Thanks.

ricky: You were gonna tell us a little story about a Volvo estate…

steve: Just passed my test…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: My parents had a big Volvo estate and that’s quite a big car…

ricky: Alright, don’t show off, my parents didn’t have a car.

steve: Now, I know you don’t drive cars Rick, and it’s quite a big car to drive if you’ve just passed your test.

ricky: Safe though innit?

steve: It is very safe though, that’s the thing.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I live, come from the West Country, obviously, quite a lot of winding lanes round there…

ricky: No! You’re joking, do ya?

karl: Do they have cars there?

steve: Oh, here he comes!

steve: Blimey Karl!

ricky: (In West Country accent) Learnt on a tractor, automatic it was.

steve: Do you want me to tell it or not?

ricky: (Imitating Steve) Oooh!! Don’t go on about me accent!! Oh no, I’m not a wurzel. Go on.

ricky: Go on.

steve: So I went to this party…

ricky: You have a go at him for being from the north.

steve: Not when he’s telling an anecdote!

ricky: He’s never telling an anecdote.

steve: Oh yeah, fair point.

ricky: Yeah, go on.

steve: So I went to a party and I was quite excited, cos I had the car, had the motor and there was a chick heading down to the party, that I was like, you know, had my eye on, and I thought like now I’ve got a car and I’m going to the party, it’s gonna be amazing right.

ricky: With your glass eye.

steve: Various, various friends had said like can we get a lift, I thought ‘yeah, groovy’…

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: I’ll pick up the chick as well, who was a friend of a friend…

ricky: Yep, yep, yep, yep.

steve: So, cruising down to the party in the motor, the Volvo estate and there’s nothing sexier than that, you know slipping a little bit of Billy Joel on the stereo or whatever, something classy…

ricky: (Singing) “Don’t go changing…”

steve: (Laughing) Exactly and err… maybe it was Billy Ocean, maybe I had it, I was quite a Billy, a big Billy fan…

ricky: Oh, maybe it was ‘Get Out of My Dreams, Get into My Car’…

steve: Ideally.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So I get to the party and inevitably it was one of those house parties where the chick that I had my eye on, she kind of was chatting to other guys, and not really paying attention to me and I was, I was sort of…

ricky: Playing hard to get was she again!

steve: Ah!!

ricky: Ah!!

steve: Same old story!

ricky: Oh, they make me laugh!

steve: They know how to tease don’t they! The ladies.

ricky: They make me laugh, who are they kidding?

steve: So I’d follow her like a dog, you know, from room to room, and watching…

ricky: Quite literally, sometimes he was barking… go on.

steve: And while, you know, just watch her while she talked to other blokes and then obviously I wasn’t, because I was driving, I wasn’t drinking, so I was not really enjoying myself and then somebody said “Shall we go and pick up Vera…?” And I thought, right, okay, they went “Steve’s got a car, let’s all leap in there, we’ll go and pick up Vera…” and then this girl was like up for it as well, and I thought ‘brilliant’, I’ll be back in the car with her, you know away from all these lads.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: One guy she had her eye on, he came as well, I was a little bit annoyed.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But anyway, he was in the car and I was driving down these country lanes and they’re directing me, just saying “go left here, go right…”, and then suddenly we stop and he goes, one of ‘em goes “just drive into that field…”, this pitch black field right, and I’m sort of like “well, it is my parents’ car…”.

steve: “Just drive into the field Steve!” and I’m thinking like I don’t want to not seem like I’m a hard, cool, crazy kind of guy, cos the chick’s in the car, so I drove the car into the field and they all leapt out and started running off into the darkness shouting “Vera, Vera, Vera, where are you…?” so I’m just sort of sat there in the car, waiting…

ricky: It wasn’t Vera Lynn was it, cos she likes to hide in fields.

steve: Bizarrely it wasn’t, it was just, I was just left in the car, on my own with Billy Ocean and suddenly out of the darkness they come back holding a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig that they had stole from a nearby farm…

ricky: Stolen.

steve: And they knew that, they knew that the pig was called Vera, cos someone knew the farmer or something. Anyway, so they’ve got this pig, so now they’re going “put the pig in the back of the car, we’ll take it back to the party, it’ll be hilarious…” I’m thinking, well you know, I’m not sure I want a pig, and all its, you know, piggy crap, in the car, right, crammed in there, but they say “yeah…”, so obviously I’m thinking again, I don’t want to look like, you know, I’m a nerd, you know, I’m terrified of that, Rick ever happening!

ricky: Yeah, yeah yeah!

steve: So…

ricky: So you go “Hey bring the pig into the car: I’m no nerd!!”

steve: Exactly!

ricky: Yeah, go on.

steve: So now I drive off again, I’ve got this pig kind of screeching in the back of the car and they say “stop again, stop again, let’s do some cow-tipping…” and they do that old thing about the fact that you know, cows sleep standing up don’t they, so you can push a cow over and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So they’re having a wild time, hilarious. So this time, now we get to a sort of dead end in the, in the road, and they say “well turn round, let’s go back to the party…” I’m thinking ‘fine’, try and do a three point turn in this very narrow country lane, right, get the Volvo estate wedged horizontally across the road. Can’t get it out, just can’t seem to sort it out. I don’t know why and now I’m panicking cos there’s a pig in the car, right, and local disgruntled farmers, right, people drunk, partying, probably off their head on some kind of weed, Rick..

ricky: Was it loads of blokes with like pitchforks and flaming torches going “burn him; he’s playing with our pig…”

steve: Exactly that, and, and so then, you know, I was so terrified that all I could think was there gonna have to send a helicopter to lower a magnet, onto the top of the car to lift the car up and put it the right way round.

ricky: You used to read a lot of comics didn’t ya?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah

steve: So, you know what I started doing?

ricky: What?

steve: Crying.

ricky: Did you really?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Why?

steve: Just started crying, just slightly, started getting upset and the other guy that the girl fancied, he had to get into the driving seat and sort it out for me…

ricky: Oh no.

steve: By slowly edging forward and backwards…

ricky: So that’s the worst bit of the whole story…

steve: Yeah, edging slowly back and forwards, he just sorted it out slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly worked the car back round and then we were off.

ricky: You were just gently weeping…

steve: Just gently weeping in the back…

ricky: While the bloke had just taken the bird that you saw from a distance, that was basically your wife in your head by then, wasn’t it, I can’t believe it.

steve: We were happily married with a pig for a child.

ricky: Don’t joke, that could happen.

steve: I know.

karl: Do erm, pigs, do pigs come, if you like…

ricky: Sorry?

steve: What?

ricky: What did you say, what did you say, what did you say?

steve: When you do what Karl?

ricky: When, what? What, what did you say?

ricky: No, what did you say, cos I don’t want to have to go to the radio authority again, what did you say then?

ricky: Just remember, just remember, just remember…

steve: We are going out live Karl…

ricky: Remember Tom Binns, right, what did you say?

karl: All I’m saying is why are they shouting ‘Vera’, cos pigs don’t come to the name do they?

steve: Eh? I don’t know the ins and outs of pig, of you know how to lure a pig into your trap.

ricky: Can I just tell you some very, very interesting things about pigs.

steve: Please do.

ricky: Right, one, they have, everyone knows, they have a corkscrew shaped penis, right.

karl: Yeah, I’ve heard that.

steve: A corkscrew shaped penis? That’s the tail isn’t it?

ricky: Two, they can’t look up, they can’t put their head back and look up, right, three, they can have a thirty minute orgasm.

karl: Yep.

steve: Rick, is it only pigs who have a corkscrew-shaped penis?

ricky: No, and landlords.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Very handy.

karl: Here’s one for ya…

ricky: Go on.

karl: If you like insects facts and stuff…

ricky: Go on.

karl: Erm, if a man was a flea…

ricky: He could jump over St Paul’s Cathedral…

karl: No, wrong, it’s gone up now.

karl: The big wheel… the big wheel…

steve: The Millennium Wheel.

ricky: It’s gone up now! It’s gone up now! Play a record, you’re the best.

ricky: Ash, There's a Star on XFM 104.9, now, Steve, Karl text messaged me in the week, very excited, cos he'd just watched a program that proved me and you were stupid, remember when we sort of championed the anti-supernatural.

steve: Yes, the sceptical view...

ricky: Just absolutely sceptical about things like that, we're atheists, we don't believe in ghosts, anything like that, anything supernatural, we're very, we're followers of James Randi, a genius of our times, but Karl saw something that proved us wrong, I'd like Karl to tell you what this proof was, what he saw it on and, look at him, go on...

karl: It was on, it was on Wednesday night, I was watching, see the problem is I didn't get the full story, so you could pick holes out of it...

steve: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

ricky: Unlike your usual investigations into the supernatural.

steve: Which are thorough.

ricky: It was called, can I just tell 'em what the program was called?

karl: Mr Exorcist.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Sounds like an academic work to me.

karl: The bit that I caught, I sort of just flicked it over, seeing what was on the telly and I thought 'Exorcist – I've seen it, but there's nothing else on I'll watch it' but I realised it wasn't the same thing, I thought 'oh I'll have a bit of this', there was an old woman and her daughter and as far as I was aware, the bit I picked up on, they were saying oh you know it's dreadful unless you've been through it, you know you've had ghosts in your house and that, you really don't know what it's like and the main thing that seemed to be getting them down was the fact that the budgie was getting stressed.

steve: The budgie was getting stressed?

karl: Cos animals can sense, the, the other side.

steve: Can they?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay, and how was that manifesting itself, you don't know, what was the budgie doing?

karl: I think it just wasn't happy.

steve: Right, did it, did it explain that to people or, how did it express that?

karl: Budgies are just known for being chirpy.

steve: I see, and it wasn't chirpy.

karl: It weren't, you know, it normally swings on it's little perch and that.

ricky: It's just depressed, cos it was possessed.

steve: It's just sat around in its pyjamas.

karl: So, so...

ricky: No, no, come on Steve, you're making this a mockery, so the budgie was depressed cos he could sense the ghost.

karl: Yeah and then, so this guy, this Mr Exorcist came round.

steve: Was that his name?

karl: Yeah

steve: Okay.

ricky: What was he a priest or something?

karl: Yeah, he might have been.

ricky: Did he have like a black coat with a little white collar, that's usually...

karl: He had his coat on, so you couldn't tell.

ricky: Sure, okay.

karl: So, he came round and sort of did his thing and then the next shot...

steve: Was he trying to exorcise the budgie?

karl: No, the house.

steve: Right, so it wasn't that the budgie had a demon or anything.

ricky: No, this wasn't a possession this was a straightforward, it wasn't a poltergeist or anything, it was just a...

steve: A haunted house.

karl: Yeah, but that's the thing he was saying, you can have like your ghouls and that, that aren't that bad, that aren't gonna cause you any problems, but obviously the budgie, they've got weak hearts and that, haven't they.

steve: Sure, so he, go on.

karl: So basically he sorted it out, did whatever he did and the next shot you see is like the budgie making a noise and swinging about...

steve: It's happy.

karl: It's over the moon again and the old woman was like happy, cos she was a bit stressed...

steve: She couldn't believe her luck.

karl: And then...

ricky: The priest didn't come in and go well you should feed that bird, give it a bit of millet, it was happy, he goes right, see you later

karl: No, it...

ricky: No, it was...

karl: It was, I mean budgies are, my mam's got a budgie, and they, they're fairly happy all the time, so it's got to be something fairly odd.

ricky: You never see a budgie sitting down going “I feel like topping myself to be honest”.

karl: D'you know what I mean?

ricky: No, no.

karl: You know how you can have a moody dog, you can see a dog when it's unhappy, walking down the street...

ricky: You can have a moody canary can't you and often what they do is, they tell the police what you've been doing, they're known for that.

karl: So, yeah...

steve: So that, basically for you, proof that the supernatural exists, a bird in a cage got a little bit annoyed, wasn't chirping as much as it normally did, who knows why, there could have been a little draft up its you know, and...

ricky: Cloaca, that's the medical term.

steve: Anyway, a man came in and did whatever he did, to use your phrase...

ricky: Mr Exorcist though Steve, this wasn't any bloke off the street, this was Mr Exorcist.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, so...

steve: And for you that was proof that there's...

karl: Just because like if it was a person, you could say oh they was playing up for the cameras.

ricky: Yes, a budgie couldn't possibly act like that Steve.

steve: I see what you mean, you're saying a budgie would not be, it wouldn't be trying to become famous, or get on telly.

ricky: Unlike Lassie, who was basically a show-off.

steve: Or Champion, the Wonder Horse.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So, what do you think?

steve: Um...

ricky: I think...

steve: Well, I've changed my tune Rick, I don't know about you...

ricky: I have and I think we should play a record.

steve: I'd love to get Mr Exorcist in, wouldn't that be amazing?

ricky: Never dabble with things you don't understand...

steve: Sorry.

ricky: Like women, see what I did there?

steve: Oh, he's turned that back on me.

ricky: Blur, boys and girls.

steve: Girls and boys, you've embarrassed yourself...

ricky: Blur, Girls and Boys there Steve on XFM 104.9, so it's not so bad, considering we didn't plan anything

steve: Yeah, I know

ricky: We've proved the supernatural, we were wrong about that...

steve: Well, just one other question, was there anything else in this woman's house that led her to believe that there were ghosts, or was it just the fact that, you know, Tweety or whatever it's name was, wasn't chirping?

karl: You see, this is the problem, I was watching UK Style, I was watching something on that.

steve: Right.

ricky: What were you watching on that?

karl: It was, d'you know, it's not Changing Rooms, it's like that, but cheaper.

ricky: You, you, quite seriously, you might be the most interesting man in the world, I'm fascinated by you, I'd like to have a hidden camera on you, I could ask you any question, I'd like to have you in a cupboard in my flat, so I could just go, I could think about it, 'I wonder what Karl thinks about that?' I'd throw something at you and you'd... d'you know what I mean?

karl: That's weird, cos that's what my dad did.

karl: Just kept me in the cupboard.

ricky: D'you know what I mean though? I just wonder what Karl thinks about that?

steve: You're never stuck for a conversation point if Karl's around, that's the genius about him.

ricky: No, he's always got an opinion, he's got an opinion about everything, it's fantastic.

steve: I love the fact that he was watching UK Style without a shadow of irony.

ricky: Yeah, that's what I like about him, I wouldn't like it if he was trying to be kitsch...

steve: Yeah, he's not.

ricky: I like it, cos he's down the line, straightforward, no nonsense, this is what I like, you know what I mean, and he's gonna be, he is gonna be like Geoffrey Boycott, Dickie Bird, when he's about like sixty or seventy, he's gonna get on a bus and go to the driver or something, “you need an haircut, you look like a scruffy get”, d'you know what I mean, he's gonna be a great old bloke that you...

steve: Genius.

ricky: He doesn't get chinned in the pub, right, people protect him, you know, cos he's like seventy or something, but it's great, you're looking forward, you're actually... that nod, I know, that nod went 'can' wait to be seventy

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Wasn't it.

karl: Hmm.

steve: Can I, can I make a suggestion that we just get people, they can email in, just questions or comments that they'd like to hear from Karl, maybe they just wanna know his opinion on the Afghanistan situation, or last night's Coronation Street, whatever.

ricky: Yeah, like they do in the NME, or a magazine like that, coming up to the election, they go “Billie says Labour”, oh...

steve: I think The Sun has White Van Man, each day they interview a guy who drives a white van, see his opinions on various topics, Karl is very much our White MVan Van, White Man Van... Any query you have...

ricky: I think most of our listeners are to be honest.

steve: Any opinion you would like to hear voiced from the K-man, [email protected] or you can phone in, I don't, I forget what the number is...

ricky: Doesn't matter.

karl: 08700 800 1234.

steve: Sweet.

ricky: Now, it's time for our first regular feature of the day, 'That Films Sounds Good'...

steve: 'That Film Sounds Good, Good, Good...'

ricky: I stopped the film reviews, cos I done all the films that were nine or ten out of ten, don't wanna drop my standards.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: This is the feature where it's a soundtrack of a film where I like the single from it, it might make me wanna see the film, I might have seen the film, today is our first request.

steve: Right, interesting.

ricky: This is for Martin, who wants to hear Livin' For The City by Stevie Wonder and it's from Jungle Fever.

steve: Let's hear it.

ricky: I love the song and I love the film.

steve: Absolute classic.

ricky: Oh, Livin' For the City...

steve: Genius.

ricky: Stevie Wonder.

steve: The man's a god.

ricky: From the film, Jungle Fever.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: It's a great film.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Not to be confused with living in the city, which I think is a Des'ree track.

steve: You'd know, cos you're a huge Des'ree fan.

ricky: But we were grooving along to that, it's great, not my favourite Stevie Wonder track, I actually prefer 'He's Mr Know It All', but a great track, Stevie Wonder's just fantastic anyway and during that, we just had our heads down, we were just like enjoying the moment, we said turn it up, didn't we, we liked it, Karl just halfway through, halfway through he's looking at me, he... “he's got a driving license”.

steve: Yep.

ricky: I went 'what?'. He went “he's got a driving licence”, I went 'has he?'. “Yeah, just for his own land. I went 'you don't need a driving licence for your own land', he went “you might be right”. He said “who else is blind?”

karl: I remember hearing something, it was someone famous, who shouldn't have a driving licence...

ricky: Well...

karl: And they have.

ricky: A lot of people...

karl: And I'm sure it was someone who's blind. But you're right, it's a bit of an odd one.

ricky: It is innit, yeah, but don't forget, don't forget, you haven't, this hasn't just happened, this is in your head, so you can't say that and go 'Isn't that weird, how did that happen?', it's in your head, don't forget at the moment, there's no proof of this...

steve: There's no proof of that.

ricky: You can't say something and then go 'isn't that strange?', you've said it, d'you know what I mean? We didn't just see something out of the window, yeah, you see what I'm saying? What's in your head and what happened and all that? What are you thinking?

karl: Just thinking, who's that other fella?

steve: Ray Charles.

ricky: Ray Charles.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Why would he have a driving license? He's blind as well; I think it's the blind thing, we've got a problem with. It's the idea of people who are blind driving cars, that's maybe, made us question that. I mean, Stevie may have a driving license, I very much doubt that he's passed his test.

ricky: No.

steve: He could have done the theory one, maybe, but that's touch-screen.

ricky: And until Labradors actually are allowed on the queen's highway, I don't think we'll see many blind people driving cars.

karl: I might be wrong.

ricky: YOU MIGHT BE, MIGHTN'T YA! Oh, we hadn't thought of that.

steve: Yeah...

ricky: Oh... yes you might be wrong.

steve: You could well be wrong.

ricky: There's a start. I fancy a bit of Ed Hardcore, about now.

steve: Well, Rick, you've embarrassed yourself...

ricky: Hard-

steve: Cos his name's Hardcourt...

ricky: Court. Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

steve: Just, just play the song Karl, mop up this ugly mess. Still to come loads of our other features of course, including 'Hip-Hop Hooray'.

ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and Love Burns on XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais.

steve: My name's Steve Merchant.

ricky: Karl, what's your name?

karl: I press the buttons.

ricky: That's it.

steve: Karl 'I press the buttons'.

ricky: Yeah! Oh, bless him.

steve: People are loving the K-man aren't they?

ricky: They are, people are phoning up and saying they love him, he's just, ah...

steve: He is, he's a...

ricky: I think we've created a whole new Will Macdonald

steve: I'd like to think so.

ricky: Yeah...

steve: “Karl...”

ricky: Or Gordon the Gopher.

karl: I used to have a show in Manchester.

steve: Did you used to host a show?

karl: Yeah, overnights.

steve: What kind of things was it, what kind of stuff...

ricky: What sort of tip were you on?

karl: Phone-ins and stuff.

ricky: Yeah...yeah...

steve: You did a phone-in?!?

karl: Not a proper one.

steve: What did people phone-in about?

ricky: No, they didn't, that was the problem, there was no phones. Go on.

karl: No, just, you know, how things were going and that.

ricky: Problems, were you like an agony uncle?

karl: Kind of.

ricky: That's amazing, imagine that, imaging sending someone to Karl, 'have you got problems? Is it delicate? Then go to Karl Pilkington.'

steve: Hang on, it looks like, maybe, there's some questions coming in...

ricky: Yeah, we got a few questions here. What's the one? What's Karl's view on...

steve: Karl, what do you make of nudism?

ricky: Who's that from?

steve: Let me just check, let me just check who's that from...

karl: There's a time and a place for it.

steve: That's from, err... it's very difficult to tell on this...

ricky: That's great, see...

steve: “There's a time and place for it...”

ricky: That's just brilliant, that is Dickie Bird, that's that sort of Northern, confident soundbite. “What do you think of nudism... there's a time and a place for it.”

steve: “There's a time and a place for it...”

karl: Would you do it, Steve?

steve: Would I do nudism?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: He's not allowed.

steve: Not again.

ricky: Not, not...

karl: It's not nice is it?

ricky: Not with Steve, he's not allowed on any National Trust land, doing it, because he's caused the death of millions of starlings.

steve: True.

karl: There was something on BBC Choice, the other night, it was a really short show, I hadn't seen it before, erm, like an odd...

ricky: It's not a bloke eating Cup-A-Soup and then another short show, like maybe with someone cleaning their teeth with Colgate and then a really short show where... what was it go on...

karl: No, it was about this old fella who, erm, he's into nudism, and he was saying, he's done alright out of it...

ricky: Did he play volleyball a lot?

karl: He said, he's done alright out of it because, there's not many blokes who's willing to go nude for modelling and that and he's about seventy, so it's not...

steve: Is there much call for that, is there much demand for a seventy year old nudist?

karl: He's doing alright out for it.

steve: Sure, good luck to him.

karl: And the odd thing was, you see...

steve: He had a corkscrew penis.

karl: He was just, erm, like, walking around on a main road...

steve: In the buff.

karl: ...in a seaside town, and yeah, and cars were like...

ricky: See that's not nudism is it, that's mental illness.

steve: Yeah, he's just a bit... I tell you, one of your favourite programs, isn't one of your favourite programs just that one with the hot air balloon?

ricky: It's a huge, yeah...

steve: It's like in Sydney sometimes...

ricky: Yeah, you love that...

steve: ...then it's at a carnival.

ricky: Oh yeah, his favourite one, when he was a little, he used to watch it for hours, was that little girl by a blackboard with two toys... he used to love that.

steve: He enjoyed that didn't you?

karl: Right, listen, here's something else I learnt in the week and we can use this if you want to give away the Incubus tickets.

ricky: Go on.

karl: There was a program on...

ricky: Oh there's some tickets to give away later, I'll tell you about that, I'll tell you what that is later, go on Karl.

steve: Who, who, who...

ricky: I don't know, we'll save it as a surprise, go on Karl.

karl: Oh, have I ruined it?

ricky: No, go on.

steve: Crack on mate, crack on.

karl: Yeah, there was a program on about the body.

ricky: Sure.

karl: And what is it, right, Barbie doll, why couldn't that be real?

steve: Yes.

ricky: Play a record, Karl.

steve: I do, I do know the answer, actually, I have to say.

ricky: What do you mean, why can't it be real?

karl: If, if the Barbie doll, was like a real person...

ricky: Right.

karl: It wouldn't work out.

ricky: (Cackling) I don't understand the question! And you do, this is what worries me.

steve: I do understand the question.

ricky: Why do you understand the question?

steve: Cos it's one of those facts that I've heard in the past, so therefore cos I know the answer, the question makes sense, but unless you, unless you know the answer the question makes no sense.

ricky: Well of course it doesn't.

steve: That's what's brilliant.

karl: Is it worth using for the tickets, you think? Is it that good?

ricky: It's not a real question Karl.

steve: I don't think it can count really.

karl: It is.

ricky: It can't be a real question.

karl: Why?

ricky: Cos I, it's like one of those things about, 'oh a man went into a field and died, why?' and you have to ask questions, and you go 'oh cos his parachute didn't open', well no I've got a million explanations, oh okay she'd be hollow, d'you know what I mean? There are a ...

steve: He's right actually, it is too vague, why don't you give the answer and then he'll understand what your question meant.

ricky: What was the answer?

karl: She'd have to walk around on all fours. Because...

steve: No, physically the proportions of Barbie could not be replicated on a real human woman, she just couldn't have those dimensions.

ricky: Yeah, we know, but, that, that, you know what I mean, yeah, same goes for Fred Flintstone, do you know what I mean, his head's half his body, it's a cartoon.

karl: Alright.

steve: Don't have a go at Karl, he's the K-man, people love him.

ricky: Sorry, have I gone too far?

steve: You're gonna alienate yourself.

ricky: I'd like some hip-hop Steve, seriously...

steve: Just laying into him...

ricky: I'd like some hip-hop Steve.

steve: We'll come up with a question, we're giving away some Incubus tickets later, look forward to that, it's time for Hip-Hop Hooray, this is from...

ricky: “Hip-hop Hooray...”

steve: Whoa...hey...whoa...hey... this is from De La Soul's 2000 album, not the current one, Art Official Intelligence: Mosaic Thump...

ricky: They've changed a bit haven't they?

steve: Yeah and a lot of people have dismissed De La Soul, there are still some tracks you can dig out.

ricky: Not as jazzy, there's a soul tip to this show, isn't it?

steve: It's a wonderful track, this is 'With Me', play it Karl.

ricky: Alive, POD or Pod as I call them.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: On XFM 104.9, bit of rock.

steve: Who are you?

ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais.

steve: Steve Merchant, here.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Karl over there, now listen there's a bit of rock there, takes us into our competition, we've got Incubus tickets to give away.

steve: Incubus, you say?

ricky: Now, I like Incubus, for what they are, you know, I'm a bit worried about all this crossover, this nu-metal, these people coming out who are a bit like Pearl Jam and a bit, oh, this sort of, oh, I'm not too sure about it, I'm still not convinced, but Incubus have got a bit of style about them, you know the competition we just ran then, the phone in, ask Karl and everything, people are phoning up one person said, “what do you think about nu-metal?” Karl just as quick as a flash went, “I hate it.” He threw a question right back at them and went, “do you listen to that in the morning?” they went “yeah”, he went “well, in the morning I like Ash, in the evening I might listen to...”

steve: I think he said Magic FM.

ricky: But I love the fact that he is now, we've put him on a ped... he's happy with his own opinions, before he was like “Oh...I don't know...” and now he wants to tell the world, he'll be down Hyde Park Corner tomorrow and be going “right who wants to know what I think about... I don't know...”

steve: “At two o' clock I will listen to The Human League, at 2.15..."

ricky: Today at 4.13, I had one apple and listened to Primal Scream, thank you. Oh no, you're a great bloke Karl, we better stop now or we're gonna make you into the new Jeremy Spake...

steve: They'll be more from Karl next week, this is the very last question that someone... this is Jim, he's emailed in, he says “does Karl think that Waterworld, Mad Max, Judge Dredd or any similar films present an accurate portrayal of what a post-apocalyptic world might be like?” How do you imagine the world will be when the bombs dropped?

karl: I haven't seen any of them, so I've got no comment.

steve: No comment?

ricky: Okay, okay, let's forget the films, what do you think the world might be like if there was, say a nuclear war and we had to survive underground for a while, until all the waste went away and we could come up and we could eat fruit again and oh, it's all weird and we had to start from scratch.

karl: I'd rather die.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Okay.

karl: Wouldn't you?

ricky: Well, supposing it was sort of like Britain, it was just like, it was, all the buildings had gone, right, or there was a bit of scavenging and we hid underground and we came out, you know, in sort of ten years time, don't keep shaking your head, you don't know the question, just going “no, no, no, no, I'd rather die.” It was fine, you lived on tinned fruit for a few years, then you had to come up and start again, you had to find other civilisations...

karl: I'd want that thing that, erm, is it, is it Walt Disney had?

steve: Cryogenically preserved.

karl: Sort of popped in a fridge thing, and say, look wake me up when it's all built again, couldn't be doing with that, walking around with a hard hat on all day.

ricky: What would you do set an alarm clock, you're the only person, what you get in a fridge and leave a note, if you find this do not disturb 'till 2012.

karl: You know what I mean.

ricky: No, well yeah, but saying that wasn't, I mean what would you do first? You've just come out right into the light, it was just like, just like, you know, erm Saxon Britain, there was nothing, you have to start again, what would you do, what would you do first?

karl: I'd probably go and see where I live now, to see what's left of it.

ricky: I love how he thinks.

steve: Karl, if you, if you were the last man on earth right and you had to have one other woman with which to start the human race again right and not your girlfriend, who would you start the human race again with? Which person would you, would you wanna, bear in mind it's not just like the fact that you've gotta have kids, they've got to be able to provide something in this world, they've gotta be leaders.

ricky: And they might... and they might be all melted... they've just got one good eye but now they can tell what you're thinking... cos of radiation...and, and, and...

steve: What do you think Karl?

ricky: And they tried to go through a pod and there as a fish in there, for some reason, in their wellington?

steve: I mean, for me probably...

ricky: What would you rather kiss a mermaid or a unicorn?

steve: Karl, quickly.

karl: A mermaid.

steve: No... I want him to answer my question...

ricky: Why, cos it's got a lady's face?

karl: Hmm.

ricky: Okay then, what would you rather kiss a lady with the body of a fish or the body of a horse?

karl: A fish, wouldn't you?

ricky: This is the best thing in the world, it's like, you know when you call a file a rude word and then computer goes “do you want to open 'tits'?” you laugh cos it's like, that's what playing with Karl's like, you sort of like input it and you always get, get like, d'you know what I mean?

steve: You get more back than you bargained for.

karl: Probably only because though, I've seen films like that one with that Hannah Darryl or whatever her name is and she looked alright...

ricky: Hannah Darryl yeah...

karl: I've never seen a film with a woman with a horse's body, maybe if I've seen one, I might change my mind if...

ricky: Okay, can you email us a picture of a woman with a horse's body?

steve: [email protected]

ricky: Or do they, do they exist?

karl: Anyway...

ricky: Do you reckon unicorns exist?

karl: No.

steve: Let's play another song then, cos we were gonna give away some Incubus tickets, we seemed to have got sidetracked.

ricky: Okay, well I'd like to play my Song For The Lovers, I'm not ashamed of this, it's an early Bowie track, it's his, his sort of, you know, version of soul, it's off the Young Americans album, it's a beautiful song called “Can You Hear Me?”

ricky: David Bowie, at his best there, Young Americans, “Can You Hear Me?”, you said it when the record was on Steve, you're not gonna hear this sort of eclectic mix of music anywhere.

steve: Anywhere else Rick.

ricky: We go from hip hop to soul to hip hop and soul to souly-type hip hop...

steve: And then some souly hip hop hop hop...

ricky: And Ash.

steve: And the joy of it is Rick, if people are open-minded enough and broad-minded enough, as I hope our listeners are, they're gonna be loving this.

ricky: And we played, we played early Elton last week.

steve: We've done all sorts.

ricky: We don't care, we don't care what he's done since or what he's like now, if someone...

steve: We're not interested in reputations.

ricky: We don't judge, I don't judge, you know what I mean, if they do a good track... then let's play that track!

steve: Rick, can I tell you this now, I am not interested in what people thinks 'cool'.

ricky: No, obviously.

steve: No, I'm interested in what people think is good Rick, alright?

ricky: I'm interested in what we think is good Steve.

steve: I don't care what women think is traditionally handsome!

ricky: No!

steve: I play by my own rules.

ricky: Yeah exactly, you do don't ya?

steve: Yes!

ricky: Yeah, you're not in it for their amusement.

steve: I'm not in this game for anyone's amusement.

ricky: Obviously not.

steve: Jeez, all these women with the you know, “I want to be able to have a conversation”...

ricky: Yeah, “I want to be able to have an orgasm”...

steve: Exactly...hello?!?

ricky: You know what I mean? Yeah, erm, now, that was David Bowie there, we've, we've played some great tracks here, but we've got more to come haven't we?

steve: We have indeed, yes, plenty more to come Rick, but we were gonna give those Incubus tickets away.

ricky: We've got a competition, now we were talking about people keeping an open mind, now our listeners have got open minds, they're, they're not only open, they're blank, you know what I mean, really.

steve: Like empty canvases, empty heads...

ricky: Yeah, from the ones that have been phoning up, I don't know how they dialled, I think they're wrong numbers or they've sat on the phone or something and a lot of old listeners are coming back.

steve: A lot of people from the old days of XFM.

ricky: I don't know... they've obviously been allowed out, finally...

steve: Well, that's care in the community Rick, they get thrown out of those homes, or detox centres.

ricky: I thought maybe an old question, something I'd explored three years ago, four years ago.

steve: What excites me is the fact that, you know, clearly all those kind of needle exchanges and things like that are really helping people stay alive and that's a joy.

steve: That's evidence, they're on the phone.

ricky: Now, what about this, now you know the answer to this, I've done this before, there is one London station...

steve: Rick, we've done this in the last couple of weeks!

ricky: You think I'm gonna say St. John's Wood? No.

steve: Okay.

ricky: There is one London station, that has no vowels.

steve: That has no vowels?

ricky: No there's not.

steve: You've not thought this through at all.

ricky: No, it's one vowel, it's one vowel. It is one vowel.

steve: So there's one London station with one vowel?

ricky: I can't remember the answer though.

steve: Oh no this is pathetic. This is so rubbish. I so wanna be on someone else's show like Camfield would be good or just Dr. Fox.

ricky: We like Dr. Fox now don't we?

steve: Foxy's amazing.

ricky: He's come through on that Popstars, Popstars' tonight.

steve: I love Foxy.

ricky: I like his, i like his little trunk, he's like a little trunk and he works out and he's got a bike and everything but he's optimistic and he wears too much blusher and I like his suits...

steve: I like the fact that however much he tries, he just doesn't look right on the telly, he just looks like a man whose been sewn into that suit.

ricky: I know, I know...

steve: Did I tell you when I saw him once, riding here in to Capital on his 'HOG', his Harley, he's such a joy...

ricky: Yeah, no we like Foxy, what about Simon Cowell?

ricky and steve: Ooooh, boooo!

ricky: What about that Nicki Chapman?

steve: Like her.

ricky: What about the other one, who's the other one?

steve: Waterman.

ricky: Waterman. Up and down with Waterman.

steve: He's a bit of a nob.

ricky: Well, come on, you can say that, he's, he's sold millions of records.

steve: None of this talking...

ricky: So's Our Price...

steve: None of this talking is disguising the fact that we've still not managed to give those Incubus tickets away.

ricky: Okay, okay, okay, what about this...?

steve: Any other questions?

ricky: What about this...?

steve: You've got nothing have you, running on empty.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Play a record.

ricky: Hives there on XFM 104.9 right we've got our competition question, Steve's come up with it at the last minute.

steve: This is just to check whether you're a regular listener to the show.

ricky: Yeah, we like to reward loyalty.

steve: Exactly, absolutely, so last week on the show Ricky described a story that happened to him back in the eighties when he was making his TV appearance on Razzmatazz with his band and he tried, he had to fly out to, was it to Newcastle? And he tried to get on a plane and a pop act of the eighties tried to help Ricky sneak aboard an aeroplane...

ricky: But failed...

steve: But failed to do it...

ricky: At the height of their powers.

steve: And they were at the height of their powers, what was the name of that outfit?

ricky: Shall we put 'em on the line?

steve: Absolutely, let's hear it, are there people there already, this is to win Incubus tickets, please do not be mental.

ricky: Well this is dangerous innit, don't be mental or swear or say anything libellous or nasty, just be nice, you won't win if you're not, go on, 'ello.

lindsey: Hello?

steve: Hi, who's that?

ricky: Oh, I've got to have me headphones on haven't I?

steve: Put your headphones on Rick, I'll just keep her talking, heyyyy, how's it going?

ricky: Hello?

lindsey: I'm okay, hello.

steve: What's your name?

lindsey: Lindsey.

steve: Where you calling from?

lindsey: Clapham Junction.

steve: Do you know the answer?

lindsey: I do, is it Buck's Fizz?

steve: It was indeed Buck's Fizz.

ricky: It was The Fizz, it was indeed The Fizz.

steve: Well done.

ricky: Do you like Incubus?

lindsey: Erm...yeah?

ricky: Right, oh yeah, see if I was interrogating you, right I'd go 'you hesitated'.

lindsey: Yeah.

steve: There's so many people phoning up, who are desperate for these Incubus tickets, please don't make us give them to you...

ricky: No, no, to be fair, they're rightfully yours, right, you...

lindsey: I'll tell you what, I'll have a T-shirt if you give them the tickets.

steve: Okay, is that just any old T-shirt or...?

lindsey: No...

ricky: Okay, can we send her a T-shirt? Karl's nodding.

steve: We think we can send you a T-shirt.

ricky: Right, we'll get you a T-shirt, how, how, how are you gonna do that Karl, cos you've got to take her name and everything, now.

karl: You keep talking a minute...

steve: This is pathetic, this wouldn't happen with Dr. Fox, he'd have it all planned out.

ricky: Foxy wouldn't do this!

lindsey: Can I just say as well, is Bank the train station with one vowel?

steve: Yeah but there are loads aren't there, he hasn't thought it through, Bow as well, there's many, listen Karl, make a note of her number.

ricky: It couldn't have been that, I can't remember, what was it? I remember I tried it, last time I tried it...

steve: This is a shambles...

ricky: I couldn't work it out then, there was wrong answers, I remember Aldwych came up, maybe that's it. Aldwych, what's, what's...

steve: What's Karl doing now?

ricky: Who's he talking to?

steve: He's talking to her, but what...

karl: Say again?

steve: Look, quick let's think of something.

ricky: Hello, are you still on this line?

steve: No, she, he's picked up the phone now.

ricky: So what am I doing?

steve: Don't sshh, we're giving away, we're letting people behind the curtain, let's keep up this veneer of professionalism.

ricky: This is so rubbish innit.

steve: No, come one... don't draw attention to it.

ricky: Okay, alright.

steve: Let's just talk and make something...

ricky: So, err, Steve, what are you doing tonight, are you looking forward to Popstars?

steve: I'm looking forward to a lot.

ricky: Who do you wanna win?

steve: I'm glad you asked, Rick, I'd love to see Darius have a bit of success, but I don't think it's gonna happen, I think it's probably gonna be the stutterer.

ricky: I think it's gonna be Gareth, he has a name there, Steve, I think it's gonna be Gareth, apparently in the polls in the week, he's getting twice as much... we're back, don't worry... alright Karl? So, right, okay, she's getting a T-shirt, is she?

steve: Lovely.

ricky: Right, who's that on the line?

steve: Next contestant.

ricky: Hello?

ricky: This is amazing.

steve: An error.

ricky: We couldn't do this worse.

steve: Exactly, go on...

ricky: Hello?

dan: Hello.

ricky: Hello, who's that?

dan: It's Dan.

ricky: Dan, hello Dan.

steve: Danny.

dan: Hello mate.

ricky: D'you wanna go to Incubus?

dan: I'd love to man.

ricky: Okay, hang on this is pointless cos he's just heard the last, he's heard the answer.

dan: Yeah, it's definitely Buck's Fizz.

ricky: But this is mad! We didn't think this through!

steve: No, but let's be honest, he wouldn't have been on the line if he didn't know the answer. Are you cheating?

dan: No.

steve: Dan? He says he's not cheating.

ricky: Oh this is fail-safe.

steve: It's fail-safe.

ricky: This is rigorous... I can't believe this, Dan you're going to Incubus, well done.

dan: Oh cheers man, that's blindin'.

steve: Well done.

dan: Cheers, nice one.

steve: Thanks for listening.

ricky: Cheers.

steve: Cheers, Karl, what do we have to do, do we just hang up or what happens?

karl: No, just play a song.

ricky: Play a song then...

steve: You've got his details?

karl: Yep.

ricky: Oh god...

steve: Just play it...

ricky: Feeder, Just A Day, that reminds me of this Christmas where my 51 year old brother wouldn't let anyone near the Playstation 2, cos he was playing Gran Turismo and he had to build his car up, he just played it from six o'clock to sort of three in the morning.

steve: Was it bought for him or...?

ricky: I don't know, but we had to watch him.

steve: Why that song particularly?

ricky: It's on it.

steve: It's on the thing on it?

ricky: I think Feeder feature all over it, don't they, on the soundtrack, yeah, so there you go.

steve: I was on the tube the other day Rick, coming into Finsbury... Finchley Road, I was on the train and I know you don't travel on the tube anymore.

ricky: No.

steve: Too famous.

ricky: I never did.

steve: No, no, fair enough.

ricky: It's not that I don't want to be recognised, it's just beneath me.

steve: Fair enough, on the tube in each carriage, on the newer ones, there are these kinda flaps that are normally locked closed, and there was one of them that was swinging open, and inside there were various buttons like ON/OFF, you know, self-destruct, whatever... like doors operate...

ricky: “Train quicker”.

steve: Exactly... and you were thinking, like you don't want some oik, fiddling around and pressing buttons and stuff, it could be quite dangerous, so I got off at Finchley Road, I thought I'd be a good commuter, I'll mention this to the staff, and they'll probably, you know, they'll thank me for it, and if it's an attractive young staff member, I mean they never are on the tube, have you ever seen an attractive member of staff at a tube station?

ricky: Now, come on, steady on...

steve: They are such freaks, I know that's pot, kettle, black...

ricky: They are all from Devon apparently.

steve: Just grotesque people.

ricky: Alright, steady on.

steve: Anyway, so I went up to this guy...

ricky: The uniforms don't help though do they?

steve: They don't, it's pretty grim, anyway so I went up to this guy and I said, excuse me mate, I was just on this train there and there was a flap open and I could see all these buttons and things, he went 'right', I was like, yeah I just thought there might just be wandering hands, a small child or something you know, 'right'...

ricky: A small child!

steve: He went 'what carriage was it', I went well I don't really know what carriage it was, maybe at the next stop someone should come and check, he went, 'well how they gonna check if they don't know what carriage it's in?'

steve: And at that point, I thought, I just wanted to smack him in the face, you know, I'm in a hurry, I've got no reason, there's no gain for me about telling this, it's not gonna help me out in anyway, not financially, nothing, I'm just trying to help you out and that's our attitude and I was absolutely livid.

ricky: I know, I'm getting so intolerant in my old age.

steve: I can't stand it.

ricky: Bad service, bad attitude, just err, oh, it drives me mad, it make my blood boil and oh...

steve: Livid, there was one time right, I was down in the centre of town, this was after some of the big explosions, the IRA had, you know, and various things and everyone was on bomb alert, very nervous, very scared, and there was a sort of, a sort of bag in the street, this was the centre of London or whatever and my friends and I were a bit edgy about it, a bit nervous, we were outside this pub and we saw the bag and we thought maybe we should tell the landlord and that, so we told the landlord right, and he came out and looked at it and thought oh you're right lads, it does look a bit shifty, this is what he did, this was his security measure, he was gonna call the police, but in the meantime, he picked up one of those sandwich boards that advertises what foods being served in the pub and just placed it over the top of it. That is fail-safe...

ricky: That is what the bomb disposal unit use, very often, you'll see them up and down Oxford Street, they're not people selling, you know, selling stuff, that's a bomb shield...

steve: They'll leave it on a bomb... I love the idea, cos what we did we moved about 100 yards down the road, cos we thought if the bomb goes off we want to see it that would be dramatic, but we don't wanna get injured.

steve: I love the idea of a sandwich board flying off into the air and just embedding itself into someone's head.

ricky: Yeah... who do I sue?

steve: No-one would have been injured if it wasn't for that sandwich board.

ricky: Well, that was Ron the landlord.

steve: Exactly... “my god, is that, is that Cumberland Pie for 5.95 I can't believe my luck.”

steve: “John, I think there's something more serious...” anyway...

ricky: Paramedics going “I can't believe it 99p a pint... I'm gonna come back here.”

steve: So, anyway, listen, he calls the police right and so after a while, you know it was like forty minutes later and I think the police do a good job, I'm not trying to be down on the police, it's a good job, and I respect the police, but this police van turns up after about forty minutes of waiting and this guy leaps out the van and says 'what you're the guys that reported this are you?' we went 'yeah', he went 'right', he looked at the bag and he picked it up and unzipped it and there was just some rubbish in there and he just looked, he just threw it at us and went 'there's your bomb for ya' and threw it at us, to teach us a lesson and then got in the van and drove off and it was like... what lesson are you teaching us about being good citizens...

ricky: What did you do, presumably you reported him did you?

steve: No, of course not, what's gonna happen, you know, it's not...

ricky: You know what I think? I think he thought it was a bomb and he was trying to blow you up to teach you a lesson.

steve: Possibly...

ricky: That's bad... that's really bad.

steve: It just winds me up, it winds me right up, stuff like that.

ricky: Once right, me and Bill, we had once, it was about 1983, we had extensions and cut-off T-shirts and jeans and...

steve: Sexy.

ricky: Yeah and make-up, new romantic make-up, and we were just eating chips on the corner right, and it was Saturday, so I assume it was like football patrol, about twelve police, and they slowed down and looked at us, and he wound the window down, and the bloke driving shouted “you look like a couple of prats”.

ricky: Bill turned to me and went 'is that an offence?' I remember wanting to laugh at the joke, but thinking 'that's annoying'... they were right...

steve: But it's not there place to say...

ricky: It's not really a police issue I don't think.

steve: Someone called into HQ that morning, 'guys if you see anyone who's a bit...' the fashion police...

ricky: “Err, we've heard there's a bit of a to-do, apparently a couple of prats are walking round...”

steve: We need someone to go on fashion police patrol.

ricky: “Send in Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen...”, oh dear, but you know we respect the police.

steve: Absolutely, I'm not having a go, it's those few that give 'em a bad name really.

ricky: Yeah exactly...

steve: High Five Rick.

ricky: High Five...

ricky: I think the boys in blue do a good job.

steve: They do and so do the fireman.

ricky: Especially firemen, I remember once, this is really embarrassing, this is the arrogance of youth right, in a hall of residence, every time someone did toast, the fire alarms went off and I remember once it was two in the morning and we all had to go outside and it was just toast set off the thing, but it was linked and about eight fire engines turned up and they were all coming in right and I said, oh this is so embarrassing, why am I telling this?

steve: Go on.

ricky: I just went... “There's enough of ya...”

steve: God...

ricky: And the firemen went, the fire-fighter said, he just went 'shut ya...mouth mate' and I thought, 'oh god he's right' and it's one of them things you remember ten years later and go...

steve: Yeah, that's a horrible thing...

ricky: What a twa... I know but when you're eighteen...

steve: I think you should publicly apologise to the fire brigade now.

ricky: Oh, I'm so sorry, so sorry.

steve: Cos I never did stuff like that...

ricky: Oh that is twat...

steve: I was too busy saying 'can I try on your helmet?'

ricky: Oh dear, oh we better play another song hadn't we?

steve: Yeah play a song.

ricky: This is a great track, this is Groove Armada, it's from the album 'Goodbye Country, Hello Nightclub', it's the opening track it's called Suntoucher, I'll think you'll like this Steve.

steve: I' m looking forward to it.

ricky: Groove Armada there and Suntoucher, d'you like that?

steve: I didn't mind that, I didn't realise you were a Groove Armada dance music fan.

ricky: Jane played that to me today, I hadn't heard that before, but I loved it immediately, oh, it's great, it's like soundtrack mixed with a little bit of hip hop.

steve: Sure, sure.

ricky: It's like all a big, all a big mix...

steve: A big melting pot.

ricky: Yeah, yeah...

steve: I just wish that's what the world was Rick...

ricky: So do I, so do I, so do I...

steve: So everyone could live in harmony.

ricky: I wish it was an onion.

steve: If only the world were a great big onion.

ricky: Yep, yep, yep...

steve: Ah well... maybe one day.

ricky: This is nearly the end of the show, it's been Ricky Gervais on XFM 104.9 with Karl, and it's been a great show, and I've just, you know there's been some laughs, there's been some tears, there's been some jokes, there's been some political satire.

steve: I like to think so.

ricky: But above all there's been some chat with friends.

steve: And there's been some bloody great music.

ricky: Some... I don't think we need to swear... at this time.

steve: At this late juncture.

ricky: Yeah, because you make yourself look a cock and me look a twat and Karl look like a complete... go on...

steve: Song For The Ladies, erm, rarely do you get a chance to play on a radio station....

ricky: Nearly said wanker...

steve: ...seven minutes worth of Led Zeppelin, but screw it...

ricky: Hey!!!

steve: I thought, it's the end of the show, I don't give a damn.

ricky: Be careful with the language Steve, 'screw', 'damn' and 'bloody' do not a sermon make.

steve: Rick, it's a beautiful song, if you're not a Zeppelin fan stick with it, it's not roaring rock as you'd expect, The Rain Song from Houses of the Holy, see you next time.

ricky: See you later.

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