XFM Vault - S01E12 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Athlete and “Westside” on Xfm 104.9, sunny day, 19—uh… 2000 and… seven?

steve: It was going so well, wasn’t it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Going so well when…

ricky: Ricky Gervais.

steve: …once again the English language tripped you up.

ricky: The mouth with the tongue lips.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: With all the… the brain… and the talk.

ricky: The brain and talk through the throat!

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: Oh. Language is his tool.

steve: Rick, I think we should do some introductions ‘cause I think, it seems to me like every week we kind of… everyone knows who you are, ‘cause, you know, you’re the face of the moment. But uh they forget uh, you know, who me and the K-Man are.

ricky: Well, with me, Steve Merchant…

steve: Hi.

ricky: … and the K-Man, who’s our producer and friend. And uh—can I just say that I really look forward to this show, right? You know, I, I get uh… “Oh great, we’re gonna do a show and we’re gonna play some tracks we like and have a laugh.” But now it’s I ca—I’m looking forward to meeting Karl.

steve: Of course.

ricky: Honestly, I come in and I see his face, and I go, “All right.” And I’m, you know, just, just great, like a, just a little friend.

steve: Mm.

ricky: D’you know what I mean? You know when a kid comes out to play with you and you go, “Aww.” And they—“Can you come out and play,” it’s like little friends, it’s like that with Karl.

steve: Yeah. Yeah, ‘cause we don’t see him in the week, you see, we deliberately stay away from him in the week so that he’ll, you know, he’ll be fresh to us.

ricky: It was… go on.

karl: You start off friendly, like you did today, and as soon as Steve turns up you start getting nasty and saying things about me little bald head.

ricky: No. I said, I—look, okay, right, listen, let me explain, Karl was making the tea, and you know those bins, the sort of like round Metal Mickey-type bin you can take off a thing—oh, that would make a good little helmet, it would make him look like Metal Mickey ‘cause it’s the same shape as his head.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Right? And I put it on and…

steve: So far so good, Rick, no problem there!

steve: That’s just two mates having a laugh!

ricky: Right.

steve: You putting a bin on another man’s head.

ricky: Right. So I put it on, and the swing bit, through gravity and the angle, swung and hit ‘im on the nose.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Right? He went, “Ow!” And I went, I said summat like, “It’s all right.”

steve: Yeah, of course, ‘cause you were being amused.

ricky: Yeah, I said, “It’s all right, don’t worry.” And he went, “No, I just washed my hair.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That annoyed me.

steve: That did annoy you, sure.

ricky: It’s just ‘cause, there was lots of, like, shit and coffee and, and horrible… gunk on the…

steve: In his hair, or…?

ricky: No, in the…

ricky: Inside the bin.

steve: Sure.

ricky: But what annoyed me was he’s hardly got any hair. So…

steve: Let’s be honest, he looks like Moby.

ricky: …yeah, so I said… I took the bin off…

steve: Yeah.

ricky: …and it, I was having a laugh, and it, I thought, “You…”

steve: “You’ve ruined my fun.”

ricky: “You twat.” D’you know what I mean? I said, “Wash your hair?!” I said, “We could that now in 30 seconds!”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he looked at me like I was in the wrong.

steve: I know. Rick, that annoys me about him.

ricky: I know.

steve: That does annoy me about him. But otherwise he’s sort of, he’s, like, childlike.

ricky: Yeah, he’s great.

steve: In so many ways. He doesn’t understand that he’s hurting your emotions and your feelings, Rick.

ricky: Nah! But, but also, right, we were playing football, I said, “Come and play football.” Right, and so we were playing football.

steve: Was that just in the office, or…?

ricky: Yeah, just in the office, before you came, right? And uhm we were sort of kicking it back and forth, and I started kicking it a bit hard, and uh… but he was quite good, I, I said, I said, this is great, right? And uh we finished anyway ‘cause we thought we’d break summat. And uhm I went, “I bet you were quite good at football, weren’t you?” And I actually thought, I thought he looked like quite a natural, you know, I thought he’d be good, he’s from the north, I thought that he’d—that’s all he’d have.

ricky: You know what I mean?

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Right? And he went, I said uh, “I suppose you’re quite good at football,” and he turned as quick as a flash and he said, “I’ve scored once.”

ricky: Right? And he said, “And that’s because I was being chased by a bee.”

ricky: And I went, “Save it!”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: No, I said, “Please! Please save it. ‘Cause I wanna tell Steve that.” Now, you can continue now.

steve: Please tell us the rest of the story, you’ve scored a goal once…

karl: Yeah, you’ve sort…

steve: …’cause you were being chased by a bee.

karl: Yeah, you’ve done it now, really. I was on the uh…

steve: There must be more to that story, K-Man.

karl: …I was on the school team, I wasn’t that good as a kid… at football…

steve: Right.

karl: …to be honest…

karl: …mainly down to… I think it’s ‘cause of me dad, me dad wasn’t into football.

steve: Right.

karl: I think that’s the way it works, innit, if your dad’s into it, then you could be a footballer when you’re older.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Yep.

karl: ’Cause you’re into it. And uhm… so I was in the school team because I got on with the other lads.

steve: Uh huh.

karl: They let me in the team.

steve: Popular guy, yeah.

karl: And uhm… yeah, I was stood there doing nothing, ‘cause I didn’t really know what to do, I didn’t—I never knew which way I was meant to be shooting.

ricky and steve: Yeah.

karl: Uh… I got all that messed up.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I just stood there, right, and uh, with me hands behind me back.

karl: And uh something landed on me, on like this part of me thumb.

ricky: You gotta, you can’t just point, it’s radio.

karl: It’s this bit here.

steve: Right.

ricky: The fleshy bit, the fleshy bit of the thumb, yeah.

karl: And I thought, “Oh, what’s that?”

karl: And I looked down…

ricky: It was a thumb?

karl: It was a bee.

ricky: Oh, it was a bee.

karl: There was a bee on me. So I start running…

steve: Yeah.

karl: …trying to get away from it, and bees… actually something interesting about bees…

karl: …more chance of getting stung by a bee in windy weather than any other sort of weather.

steve: That’s incredible.

karl: Anyway, so I’m running away…

ricky: And he said there was no more!

steve: Extraordinary. I’ve already learnt… many, many things.

steve: You’re being chased by the bee, it’s windy…

karl: So I’m running…

ricky: It’s on your thumb, is it still on your thumb now?

karl: It’s sort of gripping on to me like a stag beetle.

steve: Clever, clever.

ricky: Like a stag beetle! I love the, oh…

steve: Or a bee!

ricky: Yeah!

karl: So I’m running, I’m running towards, like, the goal…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …“Oh God…” and the ball comes to me…

steve: Yes.

karl: …well it… get it in.

steve: Brilliant. What happened to the bee, though, did it sting you?

karl: They die, don’t they?

steve: I mean, ultimately, it died, sure, but I mean at that particular moment, did it sting you?

ricky: This is probably about 20 years ago so I imagine…

karl: No no no! Once a bee stings you…

steve: So did it sting you?

ricky: Yeah, but did it sting you?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Right, that was the question.

ricky: When did it sting you?

karl: When I was playing football.

ricky: No!

steve: Karl, do you mind my asking you, you say you were on the school football team, was there just 11 boys in your school?

steve: Was that how you got onto sport?

ricky: Listen, listen, Karl. All I mean is, at what point in this story did the bee sting you, straight away? Or…

karl: After half-time.

steve: Play a record, K-Man.

ricky: Oh, he’s the best!

ricky: Depeche Mode, “I Feel Loved,” on Xfm 104.9. It’s about 17 minutes past one…

steve: Can I just…

ricky: …on a Saturday…

steve: Go on.

ricky: Well, never interrupt me when it’s going that well.

steve: Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking then.

ricky: That was about, that was my record, that was about four or five sentences.

steve: True, true. I don’t know what I was thinking, I was bored.

ricky: It had semantics, syntax, there was, there was capital letters, full stops…

steve: Yeah.

ricky: …grammar…

steve: You didn’t even get the time right, did you?

ricky: Why?

steve: What time was it, quick, what time was it? I interrupted, sorry, I shouldn’t have.

ricky: Seventeen minutes past…

steve: I was so eager.

ricky: …one. Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais. With me…

steve: Steve Merchant.

ricky: Smerch…

steve: Smerch.

ricky: …and the K-Man.

steve: The K-Man, we’re all giving ourselves nicknames now.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Can I just clear something up? Just, this is, uh, you know, a very very personal thing. Uhm lots of people who listen to the show that I’ve spoken to, friends of friends and stuff, they think that I’m the guy that plays Gareth in “The Office.” Because my voice is obviously very similar.

ricky: It couldn’t be further than the truth.

steve: It’s, it’s, I’m so, that’s so not the case. If anyone’s listening…

ricky: Could be further from the truth, it could be like a table playing it.

steve: I don’t want to take credit for Mackenzie’s performance, that’s a guy called Mackenzie Crook, he’s a brilliant actor, everyone’s, everyone’s seen his performance, it’s not me. Admittedly, he has loosely based his accent for the character on my accent, ‘cause obviously it’s a comical accent, we all admit that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We all agree with that. But that’s the, that’s where the similarity ends.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: All right?

ricky: Mackenzie’s a good-looking fellow, in’t he?

steve: He’s a good-looking lad.

ricky: I mean, that’s not a… that’s not…

steve: You’re not having a dig at me, I know, ‘cause you’re saying I’m a good-looking guy as well. You know, we’re two differently… good-looking guys.

ricky: Yeah. Uh… Karl, it’s all, people are all different looks. I mean, you can say Brad Pitt’s good-looking, and you can say George Clooney’s good-looking, and they’re both great-looking blokes, they don’t look alike.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: So for me to say uhm Steve and Mackenzie aren’t alike, Mackenzie’s a good-looking fella…

steve: Exactly. You just mean Mackenzie’s a good-looking guy…

ricky: …you know, if there were a Venn diagram there, they, they wouldn’t be mutually exclusive, there’d be a crossover of good-lookingness.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And that’s…

steve: I’m in that pool with Brad Pitt and George Clooney.

ricky: Well…

steve: Well, it’s quite a big pool, Rick, and I’m in there, certainly, with them.

ricky: Yeah, not…

steve: I’m in one of those Venn diagram circles.

ricky: You are. Yeah, you’re over this one.

steve: I notice that’s a separate one floating off from all the others.

ricky: Yeah, lizards and parrots.

steve: Ah, right.

ricky: Okay.

steve: It’s good to be included in summink now, it’s good to be part of a gang, Karl, it’s very important.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Anyway, that’s cleared up. Good.

ricky: Depeche Mode there and “I Feel Loved.” Who’d have thought Depeche Mode would’ve been that huge? I think, I think of seeing, like, little lads from Basildon with a little plinky-plonky sound, I thought, that’ll be over in—it’ll be like Visage or summat, and that’ll be it. And now they’re stadium… rock fillers…

steve: Yeah.

ricky: …they’re huge. They conquered America, they went through some hard times, they came through in the end, well done.

steve: But see, I think this is very, what you just said there is a very good example of why… they are and why certain other bands aren’t, because if you think about it… for me, you see, whenever I think of a band name, if I see a new band’s come along or whatever, I always use a very simple test. Which is, can you imagine that you’re the announcer at a huge event, maybe it’s, like, broadcasting around the world like Live Aid or summink…

ricky: Nelson Mandela concert.

steve: …or it’s a Nelson Mandela freedom concert…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: …and you can imagine…

ricky: He’s there! He’s there.

steve: Nelson’s there.

ricky: Yeah, with the Spice Girls.

steve: Oh, they’re all there. But you can imagine someone saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage… Depeche Mode!”

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It’s got a kind of…

ricky: “The Rolling Stones! The Who!”

steve: Exactly. But you can’t imagine someone saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage… Visage!”

ricky: “Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome our headline act… welcome Idlewild!”

steve: Exactly. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage… Ned’s Atomic Dustbin!”

steve: It doesn’t… do you know what I mean, you just know…

ricky: “The Levellers!”

steve: …some bands aren’t gonna make it. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage… Mega City Four!”

steve: You know what I mean?

ricky: It’s just a simple test, we’d like you to do that at home…

steve: If you’re thinking of, if you’re thinking of uh starting a band, or you’ve just named your band, you’re just beginning, just… phone in or email in, tell us what your band name is…

ricky: Yeah, and we’ll…

steve: …and we will use that simple test.

ricky: …and we will do the test. “Ladies and gentlemen… will you please welcome to the stage…”

steve: “The Frank and Walters!”

ricky: “Jimmy Eat World!”

steve: “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage… Cooper Temple Clause!”

steve: I don’t think it’s gonna happen for those lads.

ricky: Here’s a good one.

steve: It’s a simple test, anyway, but uh email…

ricky: Hundred Reasons, please welcome to the stage, Hundred Reasons?

steve: Hundred Reasons, I think, would work quite well.

steve: I’m just gonna give the email address, [redacted]

ricky: Hundred Reasons. “If I Could.”

steve: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage… Pop Will Eat Itself!

steve: Karl, have you got like a sound effect or something of like… to get the atmosphere if we’re going to test…

ricky: Cheering. Cheering. Well, seek it out with…

steve: Have you got something there? Have a look. I’m just, I’m just looking in the NME uh for the kind of forthcoming gigs of the smaller-known bands, and uh it might be a useful place to uh just begin the uh… test.

ricky: Ladies and gentlemen… peoples around the world, will you please welcome to the stage… Chumbawamba!

steve: Have you got a sound effect, have you got one?

steve: Nice, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage… the Parkinsons!

steve: They’re playing in Leicester this week, uh… so look forward to that.

ricky: That’s a good plug, innit?

steve: Uh let me see what else…

ricky: If anyone wants to pop down to Leicester to see the Parkinsons.

steve: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage… CycleFly!

ricky: Okay, okay.

steve: Uh… there’s a, there’s a genuine one here, someone—Simon’s emailed in, he says, “Will you just test this name for us?” Okay, Karl, have you got your… Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage… Coach!

steve: Not utterly convinced.

ricky: No. I know.

steve: It’s not too bad. It’s not too bad.

ricky: I’m worried about the sound effect, we’ll start, we’re starting to sound like Chris Moyles or summat… when you play a sound effect.

steve: Moyles, he—well he’s a top broadcaster, everyone loves him.

ricky: Losing weight as well.

steve: He is hilarious!

steve: Funny funny man. There’s one more coming here. I’ll just check this one.

ricky: Ladies and gentlemen…

steve: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome—this is Chris in Oxford… ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Meanwhile, Back in Communist Russia!

ricky: Is that a band?

steve: I’d assume so.

ricky: I assume it’s his band, innit?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Wait, how does he listen to us in uh… Hold on, though, this is only local radio, how does he listen to us in Oxford?

steve: Well if only there were some kind of digital format that he could listen via the web… net.

ricky: What is it?

steve: Karl, what is the…

ricky: What is it?

karl: What?

steve: How does he listen in Oxford?

karl: He can listen on Sky Digital…

ricky: Go on.

karl: …channel 864…

steve: Lovely.

ricky: 8-6-4.

karl: …and uhm…

steve: On the Internet?

karl: …on the Web.

steve: Okay, what would that Web address be?

karl: Xfm.co.uk.

steve: Sure.

karl: Click on the audio…

steve: Yep.

karl: …and uh… you get, you get Xfm ten seconds behind what actually happened.

steve: Okay. Perfect.

ricky: Just, just out of interest… what’s the point of saying that they, if they can’t sort of get us in London, to listen… to that, because…

ricky: …they won’t be… they’re either, they’re already, they’re either in London.. so they won’t go through this nonsense… or they’re in Leicester… and they can’t hear us saying Sky Digital, and…

steve: Yeah, we haven’t thought that through at all.

karl: Because you might work in London for a bit, and then…

ricky: Go back and spread the word.

karl: …and like, leave…

ricky: Go back and spread the word like disciples.

karl: …move, go back to Leicester…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …tell your mates…

ricky: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

steve: There’s any number of combinations.

ricky: Soon Xfm is the most listened-to radio station in Britain.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Mm. Mm.

ricky: What we need is uh people on Radio 2 to give it a plug everyday.

steve: That would be ideal.

ricky: Yeah, or Radio 1.

steve: Yeah. Yeah. Any of the big rivals. Virgin. We’ve often plugged Virgin, it’s a good station.

ricky: 105.8. (sings) “Virgin Radio London.”

steve: It’s a great station. Really good station.

ricky: (sings) “Heart 106.2.”

steve: Lovely.

ricky: (in smooth DJ voice) You’re listening to Magic 105.4.

steve: Are you getting… you’re getting quite a lot of voice-over work now, aren’t you?

ricky: I am.

steve: That’s not…

ricky: I’ve stopped all that, though.

steve: Have you?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Oh right. Okay.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: No, that’s all right. Good.

ricky: Well you know, I… you know, I’m all right now, I’ve got a bit of money.

steve: Classic 60’s bands, I’ve just… Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage… the Scaffold!

ricky: Oh, the Scaffold!

steve: Do you remember the Scaffold, Karl?

ricky: You’ve picked a—the lead singer looks a bit like him. But you know whose brother that is in the Scaffold, don’t ya? Mike McGear? Do you know whose brother that is?

karl: What?

steve: Do you remember the Scaffold, they did uh…

karl: Yeah, I remember uh…

ricky and steve: (singing) “We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink the pink the pink…”

karl: Didn't they do that…

steve: (sings) “the saviour of… the human raaace…”

karl: ...Roses advert.

ricky: Yeah. (sings) “Thank you very much for the Aintree Iron.” Do you know whose brother that is?

karl: Whose brother? The lead singer?

ricky: No, Mike McGear, innit, the sort of—one of the main men in it.

steve: He’s one of the songwriters in uh…

karl: McGear. No.

steve: …the Scaffold.

ricky: Paul McCartney.

steve: Is he?!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I didn’t realize that.

ricky: Yeah. That’s Paul McCartney’s brother. Think, think… think of that when they go around for Christmas.

ricky: So I think “Lily the Pink” was what, about 1970?

steve: Yeah yeah yeah, it was number one, wasn’t it, Christmas number one.

ricky: Yeah, big number one, yeah, I mean I don’t know if it was Christmas number one. “Two Little Boys” was 1969, last hit of the ‘60s.

steve: Yeah, it definitely was number one. The Scaffold was—

ricky: Yeah, but I don’t know if it was—

steve: It was, it was, it was, ‘cause I remember I did read it in the Sunday Times.

ricky: Really.

karl: Wow.

ricky: Yeah. So they go home for Christmas… Mrs. McCartney goes, “All right, boys. How are you, Paul, how are you doin’?” “I’m startin’ a new band called Wings.” “Oh yeah, yeah.” “This is Linda.” “All right, lovely, sit down. Mike, what are you doin’?” “Just had a number one.” “Brilliant, round of applause.” “How many number ones do you have, Paul?” “Uh… 19.” “Still. We know what we like, don’t we?”

ricky and steve: (singing) “We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink the pink the pink…”

steve: (sings) “…the saviour of… the human raaace…”

ricky: Paul goes, “Well, if you wanna… (sings) ‘The long and winding road…’”

steve: “Boring! (sings) 'We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink…'”

ricky: “Well…”

steve: “Linda, do you wanna be in uh the Scaffold, we’re probably gonna go on tour and stuff, I know you’ll love it.” “Well, I’d quite like it, yeah.”

ricky: “Well hold on.”

steve: (sings) “We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink the pink…”

ricky: “Woah woah woah woah woah.”

steve: “What’s the problem?”

ricky: “You’re not gonna be in Wings if you’re gonna play with him.”

steve: “Well, I gotta, you know, make a tricky decision, I mean that’s a great song, everyone’s loving it, it’s Christmas number one.”

ricky: “What are you doing, what are you doing eating his bacon?”

steve: “Well, I love his…”

ricky: “You don’t eat bacon!”

steve: “Yeah, but I love the music, it’s, I mean, he’s a great guy.”

ricky: “Well, stop it! What are you doing?”

steve: “Well I just, you know, I love the… (sings) ‘We’ll drink a drink a drink to Lily the pink the pink the pink…’”

ricky: “No!”

steve: “No? You don’t like…”

ricky: (sings) “’Yesterday… all my troubles seem so—‘“ (unable to reach note) “Oh shut up.”

steve: (sings) “Thank you very much for the…”

ricky: (sings) “…Aintree Iron!”

steve: Oh, imagine that, ‘cause imagine the idea of going, “Well you’ve had 19 number ones. I mean, you know…”

ricky: If things…

steve: Yeah, “If things stay like this for the Scaffold…”

ricky: Yeah!

steve: “…I’m gonna rule the ‘70s.”

ricky: “If things carry on going like they’re going now…”

ricky: “…the Scaffold could…” Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome…

steve: Please welcome to the stage… Beck!

ricky: Oh, nice one.

ricky: Dandy Warhols. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… the Dandy Warhols.

steve: There you are. It’s not, it’s never gonna happen for them.

ricky: That sounds like… Levellers crossed with… Wonder Stuff.

steve: Rubbish, isn’t it? Really.

ricky: Well…

steve: I mean it’s fine, it’s chirpy, it’s…

ricky: It’s a nice enough song but it’s, you know, it’s not…

steve: It’s that thing of it’s just not essential…

ricky: You don’t love it.

steve: …you don’t really need it in your life. If it never occurred, you wouldn’t mind.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know?

ricky: You know what Karl just said?

steve: Go on.

ricky: Were you listening?

steve: Not really.

ricky: He looked out the window, and he looked at me—and he was looking at me, and I looked over at him and he said, “See? Now’s the t—that’s, that… would be good to die now.” I went, “What?” He went, “That weather, that would be good to die.” And I said, “Of what?” He went, “Old age.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What’s going on up there?

steve: He’s a philosopher, Rick.

ricky: He is, isn’t he?

steve: He’s on a different plane to us.

karl: No, don’t say it like that. The other week, I came in when it was really miserable, and I said to you, “God, can you imagine dying today?”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Because…

steve: Whereas today you feel it would be a much better day to die ‘cause it’s bright.

karl: Get the curtains open, sun’s shining, it’s like…

steve: I mean, you’d still be a bit angsty about the dying thing, wouldn’t you, I mean I don’t suppose that would be alleviated.

karl: Eh.

steve: Sure. Okay. Well uhm…

steve: Hopefully we’ll still be broadcasting, you know, when one of us reaches that happy moment and we can uh, we can check.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Quite a lot of emails, Rick, coming in about uh band names. I think a lot of people have gotten it wrong for a simple reason. They think it’s funny to have an ironic band name.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They think it’s a bit comical, and I just don’t think there’s any great bands that have had a comical name, that have made it into stadium-filling…

ricky: What was that, what was that band, “Where’s Me Jumper?” What were they called?

steve: I don’t know what they were called. I mean the obvious example of one that, that was never gonna make it, internationally…

ricky: Splodgenessabounds?

steve: Who?

ricky: Splodgenessabounds?

steve: No.

ricky: I like them, though.

steve: Splo—Splodgenessabounds.

ricky: Splodgenessabounds, they were great.

steve: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage… Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine!

ricky: U-S-M.

steve: These are some of the ones we’ve had emailed in, these are bands obviously that haven’t made it, made it so far and I don’t think they will. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage… the Lazy Birds! Tsk. Nope.

ricky: No.

steve: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage… the Paper Clips!

ricky: That’s not a real band, is it?!

steve: That’s what someone sent in.

ricky: I love the idea—but no band name is weirder than the others, and also you grow into it. I mean, the S—“The Stones” and “The Beatles” are iconic because they are iconic bands.

steve: What, you think you’ll grow into—Ladies and gentlemen please welcome… Shuttle Rock!

steve: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome… Treehouse Casino!

steve: I don’t think they’re gonna…

ricky: That’s just made up!

steve: Well, possibly.

ricky: Well they all are, obviously.

steve: But my point is people say there’s no logic to band names, but if you think of a band name like “The Smiths”…

ricky: Great.

steve: …that’s genius.

ricky: It is, yeah.

steve: It sums up everything that band is about, you know, the kind of, they’re capturing that mediocre world of grim up-northness, you know.

ricky: My fav—Sonic Youth.

steve: Sonic Youth is genius.

ricky: Nirvana.

steve: These are, these are incredible na—band names. So there is some logic to it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I genuinely believe it.

karl: But it’s only because…

steve: It’s not just arbitrary words.

karl: What about Madness?

ricky: The Cure. The Cure.

karl: Madness, Madness sounds rubbish but they’re good, aren’t they?

ricky: Yeah, but again, they’re never gonna be… they’re never gonna be world-beaters…

steve: But they were a comical band, essentially.

ricky: Yeah they were—

steve: They were a knees-up party band and Madness is fine for that.

ricky: But they had some great songs as well, and, it, but, then it, then it sort of turned it all ‘cause then—

steve: I mean Rick, I don’t know how many members…

ricky: “Not Home Today” is a great song, and a serious song.

steve: This is from an email, I don’t know how many members of the band there are in Chimney Factory…

steve: …but which---if there’s five people, who decided, had they all agreed, “Yeah, that’s a great—that’s the best name we can come up with.”

ricky: Do you know who I reckon decided? Dell.

steve: Right.

ricky: He, he started the band and they rehearsed ‘round his house, so Dell went, “Look, it’s called Chimney Factory, it’s my…” “All right, Dell, but it’s not—I’ve got some other—" “No. It’s called Chimney Factory.”

steve: “I’ve got—I am the van and the amps.”

ricky: “Is Paper Clips gone?” “There’s a band in Leicester called Paper Clips.”

ricky: “We can’t… you know, we’ll just argue over that, forever.”

steve: And it’s just—all I’m saying is, think before you name your band, all right? ‘Cause it’s never gonna happen if you’ve got a comical band name.

ricky: There was a feminist band called Clitoris Allsorts.

ricky: Which is quite good, innit?

steve: Yeah, but you laugh, and then you just think, ugh…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: …you know, I'm never gonna have that on my T-shirt.

steve: Imagine that! “Clitoris Allsorts.”

ricky: It’s that time of the day now, talking of that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Uhm, Song for the Lovers.

steve: Sure. It’s beautiful.

ricky: Now… Steve, I mean, I will play great old tunes ‘til the cows come home, we’ve got, we’ve gotta give ‘em a little bit of Dandy Warhols and Air and Athlete, I know that and they’re great, they’re good, right? But… uhm I wanted to play a Cat Stevens song but I thought I better not ‘cause I’ve, you know, played that a little bit. And we’ve quite liked resurrecting old reputations, don’t we, people like Elton John, who uh had bad phases, or David Bowie and uh…

steve: People whose names now are largely laughed at in…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: …serious rock circles.

ricky: Or people that people might not have considered. I thought Cat Stevens, oh no… Rod Stewart, I thought…

steve: Oh see, Rod Stewart, many people now are thinking of the leopard hot pants and the ludicrous…

ricky: Yeah, “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” and all those sort of awful stadium sort of disco things but he wrote beautiful tracks, from “Maggie May” through… and I thought, hold on, two birds with one stone. What about a Rod Stewart song… written by Cat Stevens?

steve: Wow. Is there such a thing?

ricky: “The First Cut Is the Deepest.”

steve: Let’s hear it, Rick.

ricky: On this album as well… is “The Killing of George”… “—Georgie, Part I and II,” remember? About the gay bloke who… (sings) “Georgie boy was gay I guess.” His favorite song.

steve: Right.

ricky: Karl’s favorite song, right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Brilliant.

ricky: And uh I was going, “Oh yeah, I remember that, yeah.” I said but uh, and I said uh… (sings) “They did not intend to take his life, he just pushed—“ When he gets mugged and killed, do you know what he said?

steve: Go on.

ricky: I was sitting outside, I was singing, trying to… he went, “Well, I sa—as I said, they go out too late.”

steve: They go out too late.

ricky: Yeah, he meant gay people go out too late. He went, “No, they do.” “What do you mean?” He said, “They’re always out, they go out when people are coming home.” He said, “If he’d have been in bed by ten he’d still be alive today.”

steve: That’s a sobering lesson, Karl.

ricky: And he went, “There’s one that works here and he’s shattered every Monday.”

steve: Oh, if you’re gay and you’re listening, just… be in bed earlier, go out when sensible people go out.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You’re right, we’re not on the continent, Karl, is your point.

ricky: If you, if you’re gay and you’re not in bed by ten, go home.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I don’t get it.

ricky: “First Cut Is the Deepest,” Rod Stewart.

steve: Song for the Lovers.

ricky: Air. "Don’t Be Light." Xfm 104.9. Five to two…

steve: Absolutely.

ricky and steve: Ricky Gervais.

ricky: With me…

ricky and steve: Stephen Merchant.

ricky: Smerch…

steve: Smerch.

ricky: The Smerch.

steve: The Smerch.

ricky: And, the K-Man. KP, Karl Pilkington, the K-Man.

steve: Pressing the buttons.

ricky: Yeah. See that in Heat this week?

steve: What was it?

ricky: About the campaign to stop Karl going back to Manchester—you know ‘cause he’s a miserable sort of Northerner, goes “London’s crap and I wanna go back up north.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And “I, I only need forty quid a week to live up there like a king. And all that sort.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Rubbish. Right? Well ah uhm uh… Boyd from Heat, uhm probably met him at the uhm, that awards ceremony.

steve: Oh yeah.

ricky: And uh he was saying about “Oh yeah he’s brilliant” he enjoys Karl—he’s getting a lot of—people like Karl.

steve: A lot of people love him. They love him.

ricky: And I was going “Yeah but he’s thinking of leaving,” and he was going “Aww, I’ll s—start a campaign” and he did, he p—put it in there. So the campaign—so write in if you like Karl. If, if, if you think he’s really annoying, then we’ll stop talking to him.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But I mean I like him.

steve: I love him.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Have you ever read the uh White Man, the White Van Man column in the Sun, Karl?

karl: I’ve seen it.

steve: Are you familiar with it? This is where everyday in the Sun they interview a guy who drives a, a van, a white van just, you know, in order to get the kind of voice of the man on the street in the paper. And he has to answer, or just give his opinions really on uh events that have made the news each week. Just thought we could maybe throw some of these at you, Karl.

karl: Go on.

steve: ‘Cause we know—just to see what your views are.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So uhm just the first thing that comes into your mind, the sort of—your initial reaction, to these uh…

ricky: Just talk about these, you don’t need to know about them, it’s just your philosophy on it, so, you know.

steve: Yeah, it’s just your views.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I have had a few days off this week, remember, so I don’t know what’s going on in the world.

steve: Yeah, you—I mean, you stayed in London though, didn’t you? You didn’t travel.

ricky: You didn’t bury yourself, did you?

karl: I normally see the news but I didn’t… this week.

steve: Okay. Uhm, so what are your view—what was your view on Will Young beating Gareth Gates in the final of Pop Idol?

karl: Don’t like him. You know what I was thinking about when I was watching it all the way through?

steve: Yeah.

karl: How he looks like he’s got a wire coat hanger in his gob.

karl: That sort of…

ricky: Again it’s radio, Karl. It’s a great face…

steve: A funny face you’re pulling…

ricky: Yeah, uhm, you know, but, you know, a radio…

steve: And is that—that’s a problem for you, is it?

karl: And just the way he’s from a really rich family. I opened up the paper on a Monday or something and it had like how he went to a posh school and he’s got loads of money already.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It’s just a bit…

ricky: Okay. Well…w—what’s the second question?

steve: Uhm… there’ve been huge rises in street crime especially muggings and carjackings, what’s your view there?

karl: More youth clubs are needed, aren’t they?

steve: You think more youth clubs?

ricky: I like that.

steve: No, okay.

ricky: No, I like that because it’s so 1950’s.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It’s sort of like he wants a bobby on the beat that’ll clip you ‘round the ear.

steve: So once they’ve come out of national service…

ricky: Yeah. No, I love that and if, and if you find someone smoking a Woodbine you make ‘em smoke fifty.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: Oh, this is great. That is great.

steve: Did you, did you used to go to uh youth clubs?

karl: Yeah.

steve: And they, they kept you out of trouble?

karl: Uh, used to get into a fight afterwards when we came out.

steve: Sure, but for the sort of hour and a half you were there…

karl: You had a bit of pool and some boxing and… a bit of pop.

steve: So more, more youth clubs, that’s good.

ricky: I love him. I love him. If you’re at home ju—just make notes ‘cause this is brilliant stuff, honestly, you won’t hear more honest, from-the-heart—

steve: Exactly, opinions.

ricky: —stuff than this. This is great. Go on.

steve: This is not pre-planned, this is really your direct responses now that you’re giving…

ricky: Oh I promise you, Karl did not know what we were gonna d—he never knows what we’re gonna do and… he always answers honestly, that is the beauty of Karl.

steve: What is your view—

ricky: It’s not an act.

steve: What is your view, Karl, on New York’s former mayor becoming Sir Rudy Giuliani? Sir Rudy Giuliani?

karl: Is he happy with it?

steve: He appears to be pleased with it.

karl: Let it go ahead.

steve: Fair enough then.

ricky: Let it go ahead! Oh it’s genius.

steve: Okay, uhm…

ricky: “Is he happy with it?” He’s like your nan!

steve: Yeah, yeah. What do you make of Michael Greco’s character Beppe being axed from “Eastenders”?

steve: Problem for you?

karl: The whole soap thing, whats-it’s back in “Coronation Street,” isn’t she? Uh, what’s her name?

ricky: Who? Bet?

karl: Bet Lynch. She thought she’d go off and be a bigger star…

steve: Yeah.

karl: All went wrong, and now she’s coming back.

ricky: Yeah. Always happens, doesn’t it?

karl: Beppe will be back.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No one really cares.

steve: Sure. Sure. Well the final one—

karl: What’s the van reply, what’s the guy in the…

steve: White Van Man says uh, “Obviously they feel the character’s run its course…”

steve: “But I think he’s a pretty good actor and I can’t understand why.” I mean, obviously there’s a White Van Man there who’s also got an opinion on script development.

ricky: The through line.

steve: The through line, yeah, the narrative through line of the soap opera.

ricky: The twelve-week narrative, the arc really shows itself up.

steve: Two last ones I want your opinion on here. What do you make of a cat cloned in a secret 2.5 million research project?

karl: To find out what?

steve: If they can clone cats. Yeah.

karl: Have they had to hurt it?

steve: Sorry?

karl: Have they had to sort of hurt it to do that?

steve: Have they had to hurt it?

karl: Or is it just scraping its tongue for some stuff?

steve: I think the cat’s fine, the point is that they’re cloning a, another creature which is potentially very dangerous. Have you seen that film where they bring Hitler back?

ricky: That cat, what if that cat turned out to be a world dictator?

steve: Exactly. What do you reckon of cloning generally, Karl, you’re concerned about it?

ricky: What do you think of cloning for organs, you know, they grow ‘em for the, you know…

steve: Do you know what cloning means?

karl: Yeah, it’s when you like make something else that’s the same, innit?

steve: Right.

karl: Yeah, I mean it’s not gonna do any harm.

steve: Okay. And uh, and finally…

ricky: He’s great. Put him on the World Council.

steve: And finally, what do you make of some city workers who were caught bonking in the glass lifts of the Lloyd’s Building?

karl: What do I make of it?

steve: Yeah. Is that a problem for you, do you think that’s unprofessional?

karl: Was it the lunch break or…

steve: I think it was lunch break.

ricky: It was their own time…

steve: It was their own time, fair enough. It only takes 45 seconds to go from the bottom to the top, is that a problem?

steve: They moved quickly, they acted, you know, on instinct. You think fair enough, if that’s their natural instincts, and they’re both consenting you think, fine.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay. Thanks very much, Karl.

ricky: Thanks very much, Karl.

steve: We’ll have more of Karl’s world-weary opinions next time on the show. Listen, I want to play A Track That I Love.

ricky: I, I, I can’t wait for this track, it’s by a great band, just gonna do—before Steve does this, coming up we’re gonna give away a great game. I’ve—I’m sort of clearing out my flat, we’ve tidied up—we’ve got, you know, a lot of junk there, and uh we’re gonna give away a great game coming up—you’ve seen it, Steve, you’re excited…

steve: I’m looking forward to it. It’s a board game.

ricky: It’s a board game, it’s a board game that we’re all gonna sign. It’s gonna be signed by Gerv, Smerch, KP the K-Man. So you could win that.

steve: From the classic album “Copper Blue” by Sugar, listening to it again recently, reminded how good it was, this is the classic track “Hoover Dam.” Play it.

ricky: White Stripes. "Fell in Love with a Girl" on Xfm 104.9, it’s 10 past 2. Right, okay, that’s the first hour out of the way. Next hour, Steve, I’ve got a game to give away. As I said I’m sort of cleaning out my flat a little bit and uh we’re going throw away stuff, and I went… “Woah, woah, woah. Don’t throw that away. I can give that away on the show because Xfm don’t give us anything to give away.”

steve: No.

ricky: Does anyone care what ‘appens weekends?

steve: No.

ricky: There’s people coming in here going, “Aw, he hasn’t turned up,” fiddling with stuff… fire alarms goin’ off… the library—we were looking for a track we played a couple of weeks ago on the same album and it’s gone.

steve: Yeah, it’s been pinched since we last played it.

ricky: This is a—I can’t believe it, they’re moving—that’s like a tip out there, and I have to…

ricky: What?!

steve: No, it is a disgrace, Karl.

ricky: It is! It is absolutely… it’s disgusting.

steve: How many of the DJ’s on this station have won multiple awards like Ricky Gervais?

ricky: Yeah. How, how—do they know how lucky they are…

steve: How many of them are double-award-winning?

ricky: …to have someone of my caliber? I hurt my ankle, didn’t I, moving the chair—I have to m—even move my own chair in here, and I hit my ankle, that’ll teach me not to wear socks.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: The socks would’ve just taken out the sting of that…

steve: I think, I think just walking around barefoot generally is a bad idea in London.

steve: You know there’s the needles, Rick, there’s all sorts of things.

ricky: I know, although, well… Posh does it in her video, she walks around barefoot.

steve: Oh you love the video…

ricky: (sings) “My heart’s got a mind of its own.”

steve: Ricky absolutely loves the current Victoria Beckham…

ricky: Yeah. (sings) Duh luh luh luh. I love the sentiment, “My heart’s got a mind of its own,” it’s like, doesn’t matter what I’m thinking in my head, my heart says something else. ‘Course what we did for the last week was change the lyrics.

steve: Just walking around, for ages…

ricky: Does anyone else do that? Just going, things like uhm…

ricky and steve: (singing) “My wife’s got a cock of her own.”

ricky: Just things like that and uh…

steve: Seriously, hours of amusement doing that.

ricky: Just changing it and…

ricky and steve: (singing) “My knob’s got some balls of its own.”

ricky: We were doing that for a week. Meant to be workin’.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Uhm… yeah.

steve: Anyway you were gonna give away this game, Rick.

ricky: Yeah, it’s called Doh Nutters, and it’s a game for four players, or two to four players…

steve: Have you ever played it yourself?

ricky: Uhm, I watched, we sort of got it for a party and I watched some people, uhm…

steve: Can I try and sell it to punters who may…

ricky: Yeah, go on.

steve: (in over-the-top advert voice) “Play the part of a crazy donut-loving elephant in this hilarious game of fun and fast action.”

ricky: Yeah. You put on a little elephant thing and you have to pull up the… get up the donuts.

steve: Brilliant. “Can you be the first elephant to get all your donuts on your trunk bef…” Uh, “Be the first one—”

ricky: Sorry, this isn’t a sex game, by the way, there are no euphemisms there.

steve: Some of this—it’s a bit slightly damaged, the packaging, that’s why I couldn’t read that.

ricky: You’re joking.

steve: Yeah. But don’t worry because you’re not asking much for this, are you?

steve: We’ll start at five pounds. Bear in mind it’ll be signed by double-award-winning Ricky Gervais.

ricky: No, of course it’s free. And uh… uhm, Karl went, “Have you got a question?” I went, “No,” he said uh, “Well, summat about the Elephant Man.”

steve: Something about the Elephant Man.

ricky: Yeah, and I went, “Uh yeah. You mean John Merrick,” he went, “Yeah.” He went, “Yeah, summat about that, awful wasn’t it?” I went, “You know what, Michael Jackson actually bid for the skeleton… of that.” And uh he went, “Well would the skeleton be affected?” I went, “It grows, that’s what happens, it’s not…” and he went, “You don’t see any of that about these days, do ya?”

ricky: And then he got—I just said, “Save it.”

steve: Although of course you have to put on these masks when you play Doh Nutters so in a strange way… that looks kind of Merrickesque.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And uhm… the game, Rick—I should just tell people listening, is, is elephantastic.

ricky: Yes, it is!

steve: It says that on the box…

ricky: It is elephantastic!

steve: …so I assume that’s right.

ricky: It is elephantastic.

steve: I mean you yourself—can I set a question actually, this is a possible question.

ricky: Go on. Okay. Shall we sign it first?

steve: We should sign it but uh… based on the Elephant Man question, obviously, uhm we all know who directed the Elephant Man film, don’t we?

ricky: Sure. Sure. Parker—no.

steve: David Lynch.

ricky: Lynch. ‘Course, yeah.

steve: But uh do you know who one of the uhm the people that got that film made was, he’s a very famous comedian, it was his production company that got it up—up and roaring. He may have been an executive producer, I think he was even the producer of it. And uh he’s an Americ—, famous American comic. You wouldn’t imagine this was the same guy who was also producing a very serious sober film like “The Elephant Man,” alright, we want to know who was that man.

karl: It’s a bit hard for that.

steve: Well, yeah, but I mean, that’ll sure—that’ll separate the wheat from the chaff.

ricky: Hold on. ‘Ave you seen anything else that’s elephantastic? Not even Welephant was elephantastic, he was Welephantastic.

steve: Rick, have you, have you got any more tat—ah, memorabilia that you want to give to people…

ricky: Yeah. Get rid of.

steve: …’cause I’ve got to say I’ve got…

ricky: The council won’t take it away.

steve: I’ve got loads of junk in my house, I’ve got an old fridge freezer in the front garden, anyone’s welcome to come and pick that up anytime, I’ll sign it for ‘em.

ricky: But what about children climbing in it, that’s not one of those with the handles, is it?

steve: There’s several children trapped in there at the moment.

steve: But that’s a sobering lesson to the local council, who won’t come and pick it up.

karl: It’s a problem, though, innit, ‘cause you can’t just…

steve: Smash it up, you’re right.

karl: I don’t know what you’re meant to do.

ricky: Well listen, right, when I was growing up I remember the council used to charge five pounds or summat to take away, like, cookers and fridges, so my dad used to bury them. Down the bottom of my garden, I don’t know wh—there’s, there’s a cooker, there’s a fridge—there’s a freezer of some sort, there’s a dog and a couple of cats—they were dead, to be fair…

steve: I’m not saying—I mean, my father’s quite a mean man, as you know… but he, my dad used to do that with dead relatives.

ricky: Yeah! ‘Cause those funeral parlors take the piss.

steve: Very very expensive.

ricky: A funeral can be, you know, up to forty quid.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: You know what I mean?

steve: Whereas a shovel…

ricky: A shovel, yeah.

steve: …borrowed off the bloke next door…

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: …that’s a massive saving.

ricky: And not give them back, to be honest.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Well he’s gonna go soon. What’s he gonna say?

steve: Okay, to win Doh Nutters signed by Mr. Ricky Gervais and two other blokes you’ve never heard of… “It’s Elephantastic!”

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And the question is, what was the famous name, the name of the famous comedian, American comedian…

ricky: Give out the number, give out the number.

steve: … that produced uh and had heavy production involvement in the film “The Elephant Man”? The email address is [email protected] Karl, what’s the uh phone number?

karl: 08700-800-1234.

ricky: Right, next up, we’ve had a lot of requests, Karl’s popularity is growing, they wanna hear his uhm his super mega-mix, uh the Britney Spears thing. Big it up, big it up.

karl: Yeah, it’s good.

ricky: No, tell us, what is it?

karl: Oh yeah, it’s uh… Mark B & Blade, the vocals of “The Unknown,” over Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”

steve: Let’s hear it.

ricky: Play it.

steve: It’s highly illegal.

ricky: Go on, then. Back-announce it, Karl, it’s yours. Go on.

karl: That’s uh Mark B & Blade there, with a bootleg.

ricky: And what’s it called, you called it summat, haven’t you, you cleverly called it something, what did you call it?

karl: Uhm…

karl: "Nick This Record One More Time."

ricky: Good. Very good.

steve: Karl Perking—Pilkington there breaking all kinds of copyright rules.

ricky: Now… coming up we’re gonna be talking a little bit of feng shui, the art of moving things around so it’s better.

steve: (in breathy voice) The ancient Oriental art of rearranging your living room.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: (in breathy voice) The ancient art of don’t sit near a window…

steve: Exactly.

ricky: (in breathy voice) …’cause you won’t get any money for it.

ricky: And we’ve got a li—we’ve got a book…

steve: We’ll we’ve been exploring feng shui for our own amusement.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. And uh we’re gonna be reading some uh great things.

steve: This is just good ad—good solid feng shui advice for…

ricky: I mean, what do you need to know? I mean, just keep those questions coming to us—if you have any question for Karl, don’t forget, that’s an ongoing thing. Anything in the world, any question, personal problems, philosophies on li—it can be out of the… just ask Karl, if you want, you know, just ask Karl. Okay? All right? Karl, you’re up for that, aren’t ya?

karl: Yeah, that’s alright.

ricky: And you’ll give your honest opinion, won’t ya, always.

karl: Yep.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Should we give away uh Doh Nutters?

ricky: Oh it’s, it’s wo—it’s been won, who’s won it, Karl?

karl: Scott, ahm… Hammond.

ricky: Well done.

steve: Well done, Scott.

ricky: He’ll be loving that. He’s probably gonna have a party especially to play Doh Nutters.

steve: We’ve had a number of right answers but I’m afraid Scott’s the winner, and the question of course was which famous American comedian was heavily involved in the production of the film “The Elephant Man.” It was of course Mel Brooks.

ricky: Surprising.

steve: And uh he’s got comical Brooks films…

ricky: Our first uh… first person that called in, I think was a bit confused, he said, “Is it testicle, testicles?”

steve: Yeah. Yep.

ricky: He went, “What?” … He went—he said, “Testicles?”

karl: What was that illness years ago, right?

karl: There was uhm a couple of lads at our school.

steve: Oh yeah.

karl: Had really big heads.

steve: Right.

karl: And webbed fingers.

steve: And webbed fingers?

karl: And…

ricky: Sorry, wait a minute. Were the—hold on, did you find them in a pond, did they used to be little tadpoles?

steve: Karl, you’re not confusing your past with an old episode of “Dr. Who,” are you?

ricky: What were they called, these two?

karl: Aw, I ca—I didn’t mix with them.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It was just like…

ricky: ‘Course not.

karl: …there was a—nobody thought anything of it at school ‘cause it was like…

steve: No. Sure.

karl: …we were used to it…

ricky: Yeah! It’s the north.

steve: There goes the creature from the black lagoon again.

ricky: Yeah, yeah! He’s late…

steve: He’s brilliant at trigonometry.

ricky: He’s late for double maths.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But uhm… yeah, I didn’t think anything of it.

ricky: What is it called? What is the disease called where two fellas—are they…

karl: Not even related.

ricky: Rubbish!

karl: Not related.

ricky: There’s—were you near a nuclear power station when you were growing up?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: You weren’t really?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: (whispers) God, that explains some…

steve: It’s just got a bit heavy.

karl: Maybe that’s it.

steve: Hey, talking of uh enormous heads…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You were at the uh the “Pop Idol” final, weren’t you, Rick, you went in there just ‘cause you, obviously Rick’s a huge fan of “Pop Idol,” he really wanted to be there, he wanted to give it support.

ricky: Quite seriously, there was no irony there, we were having a great time…

steve: Yeah, he genuinely is a fan of it. And ahm he was, you sort of had photos taken with various people…

ricky: Yeah, of course.

steve: …’cause you were a bit drunk and you wanted to have a memento of it, there’s a picture of you with fat man Rik Waller.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: But the best one is a picture of Ricky and his girlfriend with Dr. Fox. Whose head…

ricky: Is twice the size of mine.

steve: Of any other head, it’s quite remarkable, I don’t know how he…

ricky: He’s a lovely bloke, and it was really nice to meet him and everything, but in the—he’s got, he looks like—an immaculate tan and he’s always happy, and he’s, you know, he’s really good…

steve: It looks in the picture, it looks like someone you might see in a carnival who’s built a huge papier mâché head.

steve: It’s more like Frank Sidebottom just walking down the road. It’s just incredible.

ricky: Dr. Fox didn’t used to go to your school, did he, used to hang around with a mate, they were great swimmers.

ricky: They were brilliant swimmers. Oh God.

steve: Have we got another song lined up?

ricky: Yeah. What were you gonna play?

karl: Bit of Pharoahe Monch.

ricky and steve: Bit of who?

karl: Pharoahe Monch.

steve: Let’s hear it.

ricky: Pharaohe Monch. “Got Ya,” Xfm 104.9. Well, as we promised, some feng shui. Uhm, what do you want to know? Ratio of win—it’s a, it’s a little—it’s one of those little books you see at the sort of like the front desk of like Waterstone’s or Dylan’s or one of those things. And it’s just a, it’s a little guide, it’s uhm… ah should I say what it is? I’m allo—I’m allowed, aren’t I?

steve: Yeah, you may as well.

ricky: Lillian Too’s Little Book of uhm… Feng Shui and uh… obviously she can’t go into it in-depth but you get some little… you know.

steve: Just some little sort of nuggets, I suppose.

ricky: Yeah, ratio of windows, “The ratio of windows to doors in your rooms should not exceed 3-to-1. Too many windows cause all your luck to seep away.”

ricky: Obviously. Hello! Ah, “It is also better not to have windows on the wall opposite the door…”

steve: Is that the case in your place, uh, Karl, ‘cause you may need to, you may have to brick that up when you get back later.

karl: I always remember ahm… I used to work nights.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Right? And it was when me brother just sort of got kicked out of the army…

steve: Yeah.

karl: And me mum and dad went away on holiday so he was staying with us.

ricky: He’s gotta write a book, this bloke. You’ve got to write a book, Karl. Go on.

karl: I came back…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And there was women everywhere. There’s women in every bed in the house. I thought, “Where am I gonna sleep?”

steve: Had he set up a brothel, what…?

karl: So… nah, he was a, he was just a bit of a one.

steve: That’s impressive, though, a girl in every single bed, I mean—

karl: Right so—he was mad, so uhm… I slept in the sofa downstairs…

steve: Mm.

karl: And I didn’t sleep that well.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But I’d slept on it before when it was facing a different way.

steve: Sure.

karl: And I had a good sleep.

karl: So…

steve: So for you that’s proved the worth of feng shui.

karl: Yeah, I think there’s something in it.

steve: Did you honestly think there’s something in it, though?

karl: Yeah I do, yeah.

steve: Okay, well, just read a few of the others, Rick.

ricky: Okay, well there’s a whole… it’s, it’s, it’s not—I don’t—I think most people know this one, “Display the three-legged frog for luck.” Uhm… “Look for a three-legged frog. You can buy one from any Chinese supermarket…”

ricky: …uh, “and place it in the vicinity of your front door, facing inwards as if it has just come into the house—don’t place the frog facing the door!”

ricky: Please!

steve: Come on, people!

ricky: What--

steve: Think before you place your frog.

ricky: I mean… this, this really is… I mea—but, but…

karl: What’s the last page, ‘cause that’ll be the most important one.

ricky: Do you reckon?

karl: Yep.

steve: The last one, I, I…

ricky: Ah… the wealth vase, “Make a wealth vase and keep it hidden in your cupboard. It can be made of gold, crystal or gla--,” if, I, can I just say summat, if you’ve got a vase made of gold, you’re probably alright for money anyway.

steve: Yep, yep. Sure.

ricky: Sure, sure.

steve: But this is the wealth vase, how do you make the wealth vase?

ricky: “Fill it with semi-precious stones and with soil taken from a rich man’s garden.”

steve: So just find the soil of a rich man.

steve: Thanks for sortin—

ricky: This is like bury a piece of steak and the wart will go.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Eye, eye of… tooth of frog. This is—

steve: Is the one there with the gods, can you find that one?

ricky: Oh, where’s that one, yeah, I’ll—

steve: Do you, do you, what do you make of feng shui, Karl?

karl: I think it’s uh…

steve: Is it summat you believe in?

karl: Well like I said I didn’t sleep well on the sofa when it was facing the wrong—

steve: So for you that’s proof, proof positive.

karl: Yeah. Gotta get it right, don’t ya?

ricky: Ahm, I’d like Karl to read this out.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Do you, do you mind? Read it out. Just read it out loud.

steve: (Off-mic) Which one?

ricky: Yeah, the gods, they’re here, right, right? Okay?

steve: Just read that out, it’s ju—a good bit—

karl: “Invite the gods…”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: “…of wealth into your home.”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: “The Chinese have several gods of wealth…”

ricky: Yep.

karl: “…which they display in their homes to attract…” What? “Prospererity.”

ricky: Prosperity.

steve: Oh yeah.

karl: Yeah. “My personal favorite… is Tee-sia Chi Yee…”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: “…who sits on a tiger…”

steve: He sits on a tiger?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Right.

karl: It’s pretty difficult to find this, this fella.

steve: Yep.

karl: “If you could use Kan Kung… or the three star gods”—aww, no.

ricky: Read ‘em out!

steve: Read out the names of the star gods.

karl: F-u-k.

ricky: Read it out! Just read it, it’s—

steve: He’s a god, he’s a god, he’s a Chinese god.

ricky: It’s a Chinese god, you’re allowed to say a Chinese god on the radio.

karl: No, no.

ricky: You are allowed to say—

karl: Why do I have to say it? You say it then.

ricky: Well, it, you, look—you’re so immature.

steve: Read the three of them out, Rick.

ricky: Okay. Ahm… “If he is difficult to find, you should use Kwan Kung, or the three star gods, Fuk, Luk and Sau, all of whom bring wealth and prosperity.”

steve: Now what were the names of the gods again? ‘Cause I just, I wanna—if I’m making a note of it at home, Rick, I better…

ricky: He’s just, he’s a Chinese god.

steve: Yeah, it’s, there’s Kwan Kun, or you can use Luk, Sau or…

karl: You can’t, Steve.

steve: What? But it’s a god, F-u-k, that’s how, that’s how it’s pronounced.

ricky: Yeah, I assume, I don’t know, if we, if we’re pronouncing it wrong I really apologize.

steve: Apologies. Apologies, if there’s, if we’re offending anyone who’s of an Oriental persuasion. But that’s Kwan Kun, or Luk, Sau or Fuk.

steve: And any of those gods are available at a Chinese supermarket.

ricky: Near you.

steve: Yeah.

steve: That’s feng shui.

steve: It’s an ancient art, you can’t—don’t give me that look… (mic fades out)

ricky: Clinic. “Walking with Thee.” Uhm, so there, that’s uh feng shui.

steve: That’s feng shui sorted.

ricky: We’ve given away Doh Nutters, we talked a little bit about… ahm… band names today, we’ve more insight into Karl’s… psyche…

steve: Mm hm, mm hm.

ricky: Now you, you uh… during that record you said uh… how we knock everything.

karl: (off-mic) Uhm.

ricky: You saw summat about the Bermuda Triangle, didn’t ya, the…

karl: Yeah when I talked about ghosts you sort of just ah… ‘cause you don’t believe in it.

ricky: Mm.

karl: I think it’s ‘cause you’re scared of it, to be honest, and you can’t admit to…

karl: …to understanding it and…

ricky: Sure.

karl: …to believing in it.

ricky: Sure.

karl: Thing on last night, Steve.

steve: Yes.

karl: Bermuda Triangle.

steve: Oh yeah.

karl: Do you know much about that?

steve: Ahm, mainly the uh song…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: …by what was his name?

ricky: What’s his name?

ricky and steve: (singing) "Bermuda Triangle…"

steve: (singing) "Where people disappear."

ricky: No. No.

steve: (singing) "Bermuda Triangle…"

ricky: No. What’s his name? No!

steve: Barry…

ricky: Barry Manilow.

steve: Barry Manilow.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Do y—are you familiar with the lyrics? (singing) “Bermuda Triangle, where people disappear/Bermuda Triangle, don’t go near.”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You shouldn’t really make a joke out of it.

steve: No, you’re right, go on.

karl: But uhm… what it is, right, there’s a program sayin’ what it, what it’s about—do y—I mean, what do you know about it?

steve: Uh as I say, mainly from what Barry’s told me but uh certainly planes and various boats have gone missing within that Bermuda Triangle.

karl: Planes?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, but obviously that documentary didn’t explore that.

ricky: He le—he le—he learned a lot about that from the—I learned about American history through “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel.

steve: Again most of my knowledge of uhm the uh sort of, you know, czarist Russia comes from “Rasputin”…

ricky: “Rasputin,” by Boney M. Yeah.

karl: Listen…

ricky: He was the lover of the Russian queen.

steve: They put some poison into his wine.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. They shot ‘im ‘til he was dead.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Which is… you know. Go on.

karl: Right. Well this, right…

ricky: (in Russian accent) Ohhh, thooose Russians.

karl: …sort of a… bit of a, bit of an earthqu—earthquake in the sea…

ricky: Sure.

karl: …lets out methane gas, okay…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …and apparently, if methane gas, if you were swimming out in the sea…

steve: Yeah.

karl: …and there was like an earthquake and some methane came out…

steve: Yeah.

karl: …you can’t swim in it, you just sink.

steve: Okay.

karl: Even if you’re a good swimmer…

ricky: What ha—what ha—what happens if your, your, your two lads from your school, and they were—

karl: With big heads.

ricky: Yeah, that, that’s a, that’s like a buoy…

karl: Doesn’t work. No no no.

ricky: …you could see them a mile off and their webbed hands would get ‘em into shore.

karl: Because they did actually say even if you’re wearing a lifejacket, if, if the water’s full of methane, right…

ricky: You just sink.

karl: …you just sink. So what it’s saying is, boats have gone across the sea…

steve: Mm.

karl: …got a load of methane in the sea, and the boat just sinks.

ricky: Right. What about the planes?

karl: Is it them sort of planes with little sort of floaty things or…

steve: Could be.

karl: That, that would be the sort, they’ve landed in the sea…

steve: Right.

karl: …and methane’s come up…

ricky: Woah. Sorry, Karl, what did the documentary say, not, not, “I imagine…”

steve: Yeah, your hypothesis might be…

ricky: Yeah. What did they say in the documentary—

karl: They didn’t talk about that bit—

steve: They didn’t cover the planes.

ricky: They didn’t do the planes.

karl: Something else they said about it, though.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Loch Ness…

steve: Mm hm.

karl: …the monster…

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Sure.

karl: …probably doesn’t exist.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Hmm.

karl: What it is…

ricky: Interesting—hold on, interesting.

ricky: Oh, interesting!

karl: It’s—

ricky: Oh, they thought it—no, it’s—probably didn’t exist.

steve: Curious viewpoint.

ricky: Hold on, what, what proof have they got for that, Karl? How can they go around saying stupid things like thaaaat…?

karl: It’s methane…

ricky: Right.

steve: In Loch Ness.

karl: …and people have seen, ahm… what’s the, what’s the lake… it’s in?

ricky and steve: Loch Ness.

karl: Yeah? Ahm…

ricky: It being the Loch Ness monster.

karl: Yeah?

ricky: That’s where it lives, that’s how it finds its way home.

steve: That’s certainly, that’s certainly the clue.

karl: You’re never gonna learn…

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

steve: Again, Karl, that’s the clue.

ricky: Yeah. It’s the clue. And it’s, i—i—if it’s out wandering it goes, (in Scottish accent) “E—excuse me, would you know where uh… I’m being the Loch Ness monster, where, where would I be going?”

ricky: (in Scottish accent) “Oh, you be going to the Loch Ness if that’s your home. It’s way over there, you big monster you.”

karl: So the bubbles…

ricky: Sure.

karl: …from the methane…

ricky: Mm.

karl: …bubble up out the water…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …people think, “Oh God. It’s a monster’s head.” But it’s not, it’s just water sort of shootin’ up because of the bubbles.

steve: Well that’s two of the great mysteries of the universe solved by Karl P on a, on a Saturday afternoon.

ricky: That is fantastic.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: So… that makes me, that makes me think… a lot of things. So you know about mediums that sort of like go, “Oh, I’ve got summat coming through…”

karl: Mm.

ricky: Do you think they are… exhaling a lot of methane gas? Thus… thus making them not think straight? Do you think everything’s down to methane gas, do you think that all of the mysteries of the universe are down to methane gas, Karl? What did it say in the documentary you saw?

karl: About what?

ricky: What—was the budgie happy? We know—that budgie was sad, was it, was it in a room—‘cause they used to take canaries down the mines, didn’t they? They used to take canaries down the mines, they’d smell the methane, and then the budgie would be happy.

karl: I’m not gonna teach you anymore.

ricky: Play a record.

ricky: Oh should I… should introduce this, shouldn’t I?

karl: Go on.

ricky: Well it’s… Beatles. “Long and Winding Road.”

steve: Smooth.

steve: Are we getting paid for this?

ricky: “Are Freaks Electric?” Richard X and the Sugababes, on Xfm 104.9, well… nearly through, we’ve had a few laughs again…

steve: Yep.

ricky: …a few tears…

steve: Absolutely, as always.

ricky: …few of that… (in Scottish accent) Oh, excuse me. Do—don’t be alarmed, I, I look quite frightening but I’m merely a Ness monster. I seem to have lost my way home. Could you direct me in the right direction?

steve: Uh, nice to meet you, yeah, Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Hi.

steve: Uhm… what’s your name?

ricky: (in Scottish accent) Why do you need to know my name?

steve: Well it might help me to find out where you come from.

ricky: (in Scottish accent) Oh, my name’s the Loch Ness monster.

steve: Okay, alright. Give me a second.

steve: Uhm… what was your name again?

ricky: (in Scottish accent) Loch Ness monster.

karl: See, this is what I mean.

karl: When you came in, you were all over me… like a rash…

steve: Being nice to you.

karl: Yeah. Gets towards the end, you get nasty.

ricky: It’s the phone. Answer it. See who it is.

steve: Can you give us a second, uh, listeners, just amuse yourselves for a moment…

ricky: (off-mic) Who is it?

steve: He’s speaking to uh, Karl’s just on the phone there speaking to someone. (whispers) We’ll just uh keep you abreast of who that is.

ricky: (off-mic) Who is it?

steve: (whispers) Take a look at what time it is, it’s ten to three.

karl: (off-mic) There’s a listener who wants to know if you’re doing a live show somewhere tonight.

steve: (whispers) It’s ah just a private call now…

ricky: Uhm…

steve: (whispers) …asking Ricky if he’ll be performing later.

ricky: I am, yeah. But I don’t—I don’t want to say it now…

steve: (whispers) Ricky of course has appeared recently on television as David Brent in the hit sit-comedy “Office”…

ricky: Uhm… I, I, well, I don’t mind one person, but I don’t want to give it out on air.

steve: (whispers) …and uh often performs live at different venues around the country.

ricky: Yep. Okay.

steve: (in loud whisper) So while those two take care of business…

steve: Alright guys, have you finished that private call?

karl: That was a mess.

steve: Jeez! That was outrageous… uhm you know you’re a fan of feng shui, Karl, and you believe it’s all true. Uhm I just—let’s run this one past you just in the off chance…

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Maybe you’ll change your opinion slightly.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: “Feng shui teaches you to use your environment wisely.”

ricky: Sure.

steve: “If your land and the surrounding area is undulating, it’s said to house auspicious dragons.”

steve: “When land is flat and featureless, the dragon is missing and the land is said to be less auspicious.”

ricky: (in accent similar to previously used Scottish accent) Excuse me, they call me the uh… Brixton dragon.

steve: Sure. Sure.

ricky: (in Scottish accent) I seem to have lost my way, I know that’s south of London somewhere but uh… could you help me find my home?

steve: Wh-wh-what’s your name?

ricky: (in Scottish accent) Well they call me the Brixton dragon.

steve: Right. Where are you from?

ricky: (in Scottish accent) Ah… oh, I see what you mean.

ricky: (in Scottish accent) Aye! I see what you mean, aye.

steve: The K-man, so does that, does that, does that make you query it at all, the dragon…?

karl: I’m not into it that much.

steve: Right, sure.

karl: I’m just saying that if you had your head at one end of the bed rather than the other it might make a difference to your night’s sleep.

steve: It’s not so much feng shui, though, is it, as sort of good advice. Generally. When you went home—

ricky: Don’t, don’t, don’t sleep… on the end of a spike near a cliff.

steve: Good advice.

ricky: I mean, tha—that’s good advice, isn’t it? Know what I mean?

karl: Yeah.

steve: When you went home and uh the house was full of women…

steve: …why did you, why did you sleep on the sofa? Why did you not pop upstairs and sort of…

karl: Into a warm bed?

steve: Yeah, with a, with a, with a woman.

steve: Were, were they dressed or…? Does your brother still sort of have those kind of parties or…?

karl: I haven’t seen him for years.

steve: Sure. Sure. Sure.

ricky: What’s his—

steve: Where’s he living now?

karl: I don’t know.

steve: Okay.

ricky: What’s his name?

karl: Mark.

ricky: He’s not, he’s no—he’s not known as like Moss Side Mark…

steve: ‘Cause that could be a clue.

ricky: …or… “10 Dawlish Road” Mark.

karl: He’s never out of prison long enough to get a nickname.

steve: Eh?

ricky: Alright, steady on, it’s gettin’ a bit heavy, innit?

steve: God! Is this, is this what’s motivated a lot of your anxiety?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: We always—

steve: The hair loss, that sort of thing?

ricky: We always go a little bit too far, don’t we?

steve: A little bit dark at the end of the show.

ricky: I know. Well, so uhm…

ricky: Sorry about that.

karl: We’ll do a request then for Pete.

ricky: Oh, Pete wanted a little bit of Muse. Yeah, if Pete wants it—I mean I’m not a big fan—I don’t mind Muse. I’ve still not got over them doing that… uhm “Summertime” song, what was it called?

steve: Nina Simone cover, wasn’t it.

ricky: Eh.

steve: Anyway, let’s not bring the show down…

ricky: No.

steve: …and let’s play Muse and then we’re pretty much finished.

ricky: For Pete from South Kensington. “Plug in Baby.”

steve: Let’s enjoy it.

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