XFM Vault - S01E13 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Starsailor, Poor Misguided Fool. With me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

steve: The K-Man. Round of applause for the K-Man.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Uh, but, no one’s announced who you are.

ricky: Ricky Gervais.

steve: Ricky Gervais.

ricky: This is Xfm 104.9.

steve: Saturday afternoon. If you didn’t know that, I don’t know why I mentioned it. That was stupid, really, you must know that by now.

ricky: Well, we’ve got some great things comin’ up,

steve: Haven’t we.

ricky: We’ve got songs and chat and things.

steve: We’ll also of course be um, running through the White Van Man questions from The Sun again. This time Karl will be answering them. I’m looking forward to that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Can we do that fairly soon? Oh – there’s some good questions this week.

ricky: Yeah. But first, um, as I was comin’ in, there was a bunch of, um, posh lads. University students, trying to get in, ‘cause they’re doing one of those um, uh, scavenger hunts. That they have to get points for charity, do stuff, and one of theirs is get on a live radio show,

steve: Right.

ricky: So I sort of, sort of felt sorry for ‘em, so I said they could come on here. Just for 5 minutes.

steve: Who are they?

ricky: Uh, they’re just, um -

steve: Are they toffs?

ricky: They are sorta like toffs, but they’re trendy toffs, they’re obviously -

steve: Trendy toffs.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is that like Lady Victoria Hervey.

ricky: No, I don’t mean that, no. They’re, they’re both sort of like that um, Will, off Pop Idol.

steve: Right, right right.

ricky: They’re like, a little like him. Sort of like posh. They seem nice enough, and they’re doing it for cancer charity, and um, they get –

steve: They’ve got to do what, is it like they’re sponsored to do various,

ricky: Exactly. I don’t know how it works, but they’re gonna come on and, ‘cause we get, for comin’ on this live radio show, they get 17,000 points. If I can put that in context,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: If they were to say, to help deliver a baby, they only get 7250 points.

steve: Right. But it’s much easier.

ricky: It is. There’s lot- there’s lots of women happily droppin’ sprogs all over the place. You can’t get on a live radio show these days for love nor money.

steve: That’s true enough.

ricky: Know ‘ I mean?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So um,

steve: When are they coming in?

ricky: Um, Karl said they were gonna just ..

karl: 1, 1, 1:30. I had a word with them.

steve: All right, and what do you make of them?

karl: They are posh.

steve: Really.

karl: But, they said they were gonna wander about and go and and see

karl: If they can deliver a baby and then come back here for 1:30.

steve: I hope they don’t like leave a baby sort of half out, you know. They’ve got it, you know, Pushpushpush- Sorry, we’re gonna have to shoot off.

ricky: Yeah. We’ve got to play an instrument in a marching band for 8,500 points.

karl: Well I did say be here definitely for 1:30 ‘cause I didn’t want it gettin’ in the way of the White van questions.

steve: Sure, sure.

ricky: And the other thing is, right, they get 7,500 points for deliverin’ a baby, but they get 9000 points if they cut Peter Stringfellow’s hair.

steve: Well … he’s, he’s very precious about his hair.

ricky: It’s a more delicate operation, isn’t it. There’s more that can go wrong.

steve: That’s true enough.

ricky: (reading) Take an unconventional animal for a walk in a park.

steve: What’s an unconventional animal.

ricky: I think that can be a dog that just doesn’t play by the rules.

steve: Yeah, that’s a dog that’s into Slipknot.

ricky: Yeah! That used to – that wees in a urinal.

steve: Yeah. Exactly.

ricky: Standing up. Well, I’m looking forward to that.

steve: Well, no, I’m sure they’re lovely guys. Good luck to them.

ricky: Yeah. We’ll see you later.

ricky: Nirvana, Man Who Sold the World. Karl’s all confused ‘cause it didn’t tell you it’s ending, did it. What is that, a sort of glitch in the –

steve: Careful they might start swearin’. You know what they’re like.

steve: Rock stars. Their blue language.

ricky: Yeah, and all their habits and that.

steve: Ohhh.

ricky: Yeah, it says Track Ending Now.

steve: Stop talkin’ about it! That’s – that’s, you’re givin’ away all the secrets, of radio, an’ that. People think it’s like an old piece of vinyl that we’ve put on a needle, you know, like those old bits of footage of Tony Blackburn. That’s what they think it’s like, and they don’t realise there’s computers doin’ it all! Rick, you’re showin’ ‘em behind the curtain! Never do that.

ricky: I won’t, I won’t.

steve: Don’t do that, mate.

ricky: Um, in the week, I called Karl up, said How are ya, mate. Not too bad. Um, now as you know, his girlfriend’s been away, for ages, hasn’t she? Covering the World Cup. The Africa-

karl: African Nations.

ricky: African Nations, yeah. She’s a sport journalist.

karl: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: All right.

steve: I love the fact that you’re thinkin,’ Well, she’s not that much of a journalist, Rick, to be honest. I’ve read some of her stuff.

karl: No, but she’s not on air, she does stuff,

steve: Behind the scenes?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Suresuresure.

ricky: A lot of journalists do. (mumbles) You’re not goin’ out with Kate Adie. That’s what you want to make clear, innit. Yeah. Um, now, so she, she’s seen none of the meteoric rise of Karl, as a broadcaster –

steve: Right. She’s been away the whole time –

ricky: A raconteur, a wit, um, a cult figure, to be honest. And he hadn’t, he hadn’t told her this. So uh, apparently he went home and she was sittin’ there, and he went, Alright? She went Yeah. He went Should we go out then? And she went, I’m not sure I want to go out with an idiot. All right?

steve: Oh no!

ricky: Yeah. Because, and, she went, Loch Ness Monster, why didn’t you think? Of course the Loch Ness Monster lives in Loch Ness. And she was givin’ him a bit of a hard time, and that’s why, he said, that’s why I, I didn’t tell her. I didn’t tell her, really. Same thing happened when I was at school and I had to play drums in Little Donkey.

ricky: I didn’t tell my parents, right? But my dad turned up anyway. And what happened?

karl: He um,

steve: How old were you, Karl?

karl: Well, it was the school that I used to go to.

steve: Oh yeah.

ricky: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Wh- you used to go to the school you used to go to?

karl: No, but what I mean is –

ricky: Go on.

karl: I didn’t go to secondary, did I. So I missed out on all that.

steve: Sure.

karl: But primary I liked, ‘cause it was all colorin’ in and stuff.

steve: Yep.

karl: And um, it was a Christmas play, and I managed to get a part in it,

ricky: Did you audition?

karl: Um, I got a part in it and I should’ve been playin’ the drums to – the one about kings.

steve: We Three Kings.

karl: Yeah. I was meant to be doin’ that, but Little Donkey, came on.

ricky: What do you mean came on?

karl: That was like next up on the – you know, the next song.

steve: Right, right.

karl: And the – it’s one of them songs that you can’t help, sort of,

steve: Tappin’ along to.

karl: Yeah. Do you know like um, if – if I was to go (knocks out ‘Shave and a Haircut’)

steve: Yeah. You’d have to finish it with (knocks out ‘Two Bits’)

karl: Yeah. Do you know that they actually send that into space.

steve: Do they. What, hoping that aliens will respond with that.

karl: Yeah. They do do that.

karl: Because apparently, it it,

karl: It is one of them things that you can’t help –

steve: What, even for an alien life form? They know that, do they?

karl: Yeah. But anyway,

steve: What, ‘cause they watched Star Trek or something.

ricky: No – (beeps) Knock Knock.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Seriously!

ricky: Who’s there? (Monster voice) Oggyoggyoggy!

ricky: Aw, that is – that is great!

karl: Seriously!

ricky: (Knocks Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits). Hold on – there’s something out there! What’s that little green fellow?

ricky: That is great.

karl: Yeah, so anyway, Little Donkey, Little Donkey is like one of them tunes that you can’t, and I was there, and I had the drumstick and I thought Oh God

ricky: The drumstick!

karl: I could feel meself –

steve: Just wanted to do it, yeah.

karl: Anyway, I started goin’ along, playin’ Little Donkey, which I wasn’t meant to do, but it went down such a storm,

steve: What, were there people, like parents, and that, dozin’ of, and then suddenly they heard your version of Little Donkey and they thought, Wait a minute, now it’s really pickin’ up!

ricky: What do you mean,

steve: I’m glad we paid a pound fifty for this!

ricky: What do you mean, it went down such a storm

ricky: Was it like –

steve: People had lighters in the air!

ricky: When Ringo joined the Beatles and they were goin’ Boo, Pete Best – but he went (drums on desk) and they went Woah! Oh, God.

karl: No, but the teacher just said, it went down really well, you can do that again tonight.

ricky: Right.

karl: But anyway, so me dad was there,

steve: And you hadn’t told him about this performance, he just turned up.

karl: No, I never told them about this stuff … So um, anyway, he turned up, don’t know why, he must’ve heard from someone else’s dad. He turned up, and um, he swore about me, which, I don’t –

steve: Did he? Can you, could you use a word which –

karl: Think it’s allowed to be said? The word?

ricky: Wh? ‘Course it is.

karl: All right. If you’ve got a kid in the car or anything, turn it down. Right. But he said, um, there was a guy stood next to him with a camera, big video camera, filmin’ it, and he said, Yeah, film it, but try and avoid gettin’ the twat in the hat. In the shot. ‘Cause I had one of those porters. You know those little round pork pie –

steve: Right. Right.

ricky: This is so sad!

steve: Wh- was this a nativity play?

karl: It was about Jesus and stuff.

ricky: Yeah, well there was a porter there helpin’ him with his bags.

steve: ‘Course there was. I forgot. Yeah.

ricky: I mean, Mary and Joseph, they got there, yeahyeah, ‘cause the inn was full, but I think the porter doubled up with the inn and the stable.

steve: Right.

ricky: So, he, yeah.

steve: He’d carry the bags over,

ricky: Yeah, and so he, yeah.

karl: You’re right though, I don’t know why I was but I was, and uh,

steve: And your father said that? And how did you know your father said that? Could you hear him?

karl: He talked about it later.

steve: Oh, you talked about it later.

karl: Yeah, I was talkin’ about stuff I’d done at school and he said, Oh God. I spoke to him the other day about it.

steve: Right. Oh God. So that was the end of your sort of drumming career, really. ‘Cause it could’ve been – the audience loved it the night before, you could’ve been on – who knows? A whole new world for you.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Have you done any – stuff?

steve: I never drummed. I never drummed. I wish I had.

ricky: But uh, that is, that is,

steve: A moving story, but –

ricky: And that’s why, but you don’t, tell, you still don’t, you mum and dad don’t think you’re on the radio, do they.

karl: No, when they were down the other weekend, they had to come here I said I just go and push the buttons.

ricky: ‘Cause they could listen on Sky Digital, couldn't they?

karl: They could then.

ricky: But you wouldn’t want that.

karl: I wouldn’t want it.

ricky: No. Play a record, I want to talk to you again in a little bit about this. Later.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Princess Superstar, Bad Babysitter, first played on this show by Steve Merchant, by bad Steve Merchant,

steve: That’s true enough.

ricky: By Steve “Scratch” Merchant. I mean, I still like that but the video’s put me off it a little bit, ‘cause it just, it makes it into the novelty record it always had the potential of being, d’y’know’I mean?

steve: I agree. I agree. Although, I was never a bit fan of Babysitter – Bad Babysitter was not my favourite from the album.

ricky: Sure, sure.

steve: Um, if people want my interests and my views on hip hop then they can always email in, Rick.

ricky: Or – or call you up at home.

steve: Just give me a a ring at home, it’s no problem.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um, or I’ll just pop out, you know, hang with ‘em. In the hood.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Sure. Sure. Now it’s time for White Van Man.

steve: White Van Man!

ricky: Explain what it is.

steve: Yeah, for those who don’t buy The Sun – they think it’s beneath them!

steve: Um, White Van Man is a column they have I think every day, actually, and they just get some kind of Joe Public to comment on the week’s news, and it seemed to me that it might be interesting to give Karl’s views on some of the events.

ricky: Yeah. Not – not ‘cause we’re, not ‘cause we think that Karl hasn’t got a valid sort of viewpoint,

steve: No!

ricky: Because Karl sees the world differently to some people and that’s what’s interesting. You know like an artist does or a, or a,

steve: Exactly. He’s very bohemian in his outlook.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Do you uh, do you feel that you’re up to scratch on this week’s news?

karl: I don’t like this bit.

ricky: Don’t ya?

steve: Don’t – just relax!

ricky: Why not?

karl: It’s pressure.

steve: Nonono – ‘cause you just have to give us your first opinion!

ricky: The first – your honest answer, that’s all we’ve ever asked of you, Karl, and it’s all you’ve ever given us. Your honest, your first, from the heart, view, yeah? Don’t worry, just relax –

steve: No, just chill out!

ricky: Are you worried that people are listening and think you’re an idiot.

karl: If me girlfriend’s listening now, go and have a wash or something.

steve: Go and have a wash or something?

ricky: Not very nice, is it!

ricky: The opposite of Napoleon and Josephine!

ricky: Yeah, go on – go on – If you’re gonna visit me again Josephine, for Christ’s sake, wash.

steve: I’ll lead you in with something fairly easy –

steve: A, a music-based question. Um, Kylie Minogue vs. Dido as Queen of the Brits. What’s your view there.

karl: Um,

ricky: Go and have a wash!

karl: It doesn’t really matter, does it. Um,

ricky: It doesn’t really matter!

steve: What doesn’t really matter?

karl: With the Brits. I was watchin’ it the other night, and um, I think Kylie will be a good lookin’ old woman.

steve: Ok.

karl: Do you know, do you ever do that, sort of see people –

ricky: Steve, I wanna celebrate with you – every time he opens – says something like that – I was us to open a bottle of champagne,

steve: I know what you mean, yeah.

ricky: D’y’know what mean? It’s like we did that.

steve: Yes.

karl: No, but, do you do that, though. Look at people, and -- another person who springs to mind – Jenny Powell. I don’t think she’s that good lookin’ now.

steve: Who’s Jenny Powell? Is she that girl that used to be the assistant on Wheel of Fortune?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, yeah, I think she’s a bit over the top for a young woman, but when she gets older, I think she’ll look quite -

steve: Be a bit of a stunner.

steve: So for you, Kylie Minogue – whereas you don’t feel that about Dido, is that right?

karl: She’s all right, she’s normal. I prefer Kylie’s sister. To Kylie.

steve: Ok.

karl: She looks – you know. I could imagine her being hard work to live with.

steve: Who, Kylie? Right.

karl: Washin’ up and that.

steve: Right, sure.

steve: Ha-ha. And what do you make of, uh, taxes rising in the next budget to pay for NHS improvements.

karl: Well me dad went to hospital to have an operation once so, I feel like it’s worth payin’ it, ‘cause,

ricky: Yeah. ‘Cause people might have to go to hospital. Yeah.

karl: Yeah, no, it makes a change when it’s someone in your family, dunnit. ‘Cause you sort of realise -

ricky: Yeah. Change as good as the rest.

karl: And the weird thing is, if it wa’nt for me dad, I wouldn’t be here doin’ this show, ‘cause when he was in hospital,

ricky: Well, no – I’ll stop you there –

steve: Yeah.

ricky: To be honest,

steve: If it weren’t for your dad, uou wouldn’t be here true, but,

karl: No, no, but this was after I was born. So, I would be here.

steve: But his more direct involvement was what.

karl: Yeah. Because when, when me mom was seein’ me dad in hospital, I got a bit bored, went for a wander, found the hospital radio station,

ricky: Yeah,

karl: And got a gig.

steve: Really?

ricky: So, in a real sense, if it wasn’t

ricky: For Karl’s dad, Karl wouldn’t be – here.

steve: And did your dad, like while he was listenin’ to you, did he sort of tap the nurse and go, Can you get that twat off the air.

ricky: Who’s put him in that hat?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Oh, go on.

steve: What do you make of the real-life Mowgli who’s surviving in a Transylvanian countryside. Apparently, I don’t know much about this story. You know Mowgli, he’s the one off of The Jungle Book, yeah, the kid that grew up with bears and animals and stuff. Apparently there’s a real-life one in Transylvania.

karl: What were the things in Gremlins?

steve: What were the what? In Gremlins they were called Gremlins.

ricky: Well – wait wait wait wait wait – Ok, this is the example, this is what your girlfriend said. Think: what were the things in Gremlins called.

karl: I can’t remember. It’s something like that, isn’t it.

ricky: Just - I mean really, nono, wait wait wait wait wait, just really, really think now, Karl, just with all – with everything you’ve ever – with all the brainpower you’ve ever used, think what the things in Gremlins were called.

karl: It’s not there.

steve: There’s a clue here.

karl: Oh no.

ricky: Yeah!

ricky: What?

karl: Gremlins!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Play a record, Karl.

trail: This is Xfm.

ricky: Well, we’re back, and there’s a few more people here.

steve: It’s absolutely. Well done. Well observed.

ricky: Do you want to say hello, or,

boys: Hi guys.

ricky: And what are you doing here.

boy: Uh, we’re, this is Mark and James, Skoe and Belch, and we’re here -

steve: Sorry – what?

boy: Skoe and Belch.

steve: Do you want to explain that?

boy: Uh, no,

steve: Ohh, from the drinking games, I imagine!

ricky: Yeah. Ohh.

boy: We’ve got worse names than that, but, it’s the radio, so.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Now you’re, presumably um, students?

boy: Well, we’re just, we just, well we kind of graduated and we’ve been working about a year or two.

ricky: And what do you do.

boy: Um, well I work for a management consultancy,

boy: I work for a distribution company up in Birmingham.

ricky: Well Ok, now what you’re doing, a, a scavenger hunt

ricky: And you’re raising for um, uh uh cancer, charity,

boy: Cancer research, yep.

ricky: Right, and you’ve got to do, and this is, we’re we’re, just help me out here, ‘cause, for 17,000 points you’ve got to get live on a TV or radio show.

boy: That’s exactly it!

boy: So here we are.

boy: That’s why we’re here.

steve: Do you – do you ever listen to Xfm?

boy: Uh, I know of it. Yeah, I’ve, I listen to it a few times.

steve: Sure. What kind of music – what kind of sounds would you normally be into?

boy: Uh,

boy: I love cheesy radio, sort of school disco, sort of ‘80s,

steve: Sure, sure. Sorry – what was your name again?

boy: Mark, or Skoe.

steve: Skoe. Ok. And you’re –

boy: Belch.

steve: Belch.

steve: Um, and what sort of sounds would you be groovin’ to, Belch?

boy: Uh, cheesy,

steve: UK garage?

boy: Um, well,

steve: Craig David.

boy: A bit of house, just very occasionally, bit of cheese. Depends on what kind of mood I’m in.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Um, now, you, you don’t listen much but you, I mean, Kiss a Celeb. ‘Cause Karl –

boy: We actually wanted to do that with you, Ricky, is that all right?

ricky: No, no,

steve: That’s not gonna happen with Ricky, but you know Karl’s now got his name mentioned in Heat Magazine,

boy: Is that right? Well that’s brilliant!

steve: If you want to snog Karl, we’d love to see that.

boy: We don’t to snog Karl, but we were thinkin’ if there was a female presenter

boy: Here, we might be able to do something, but um,

karl: What are you sayin’?

ricky: A female placenta?

boy: Well, if you’ve got one.

steve: Have you seen some of the female presenters that work on Xfm?

boy: Is that why they’re on radio?

steve: Quite.

ricky: Oh – presenter! I thought you said placenta.

steve: That’s unlikely.

ricky: I know. Um, now what’s the other things you’ve got to do here?

steve: What are some of the things you’ve done already?

ricky: Now see, some of these worry me, like Start a Fire in Pudding Lane.

boy: Oh, we’ve done that already.

ricky: For 4,700 points.

boy: Well, I’ll tell you what we have done. We’ve been on Phantom of the Opera stage, already,

ricky: Have you?

steve: How did you manage that?

boy: Yeah, we just asked the stage door guy,

steve: That wasn’t durin’ the show, I assume.

boy: He had to actually, he actually mentioned that we shouldn’t speak about that to you, otherwise he’ll get sacked, but, uh, yeah, he was really kind of let us on. Um..

boy: Jumped in Trafalgar Square water, with, doing sort of Friends impersonation, so that was,

steve: Right.

ricky: How many points did you get for that?

boy: We got 2000 points for that. We got 8000 points for being on the, um, stage at Phantom of the Opera, and, we get double that, we get like 18,000 points which is almost the maximum for being here right now.

steve: Really.

boy: So that’s absolutely great.

ricky: Yeah, but, I wouldn’t worry about the

ricky: Little things. I’d go for the big, the big bucks here.

boy: Yeah, that’s it. We’re not interested in the little stuff, we wanna go for the big stuff.

ricky: So what the big ones are are Get on Stage with S Club 7, that’s not gonna happen, is it. When, what do you got till. Till 6 today.

boy: Well, S Club 7 are on at the London Arena, uh, about 2 o’clock, so,

steve: Good luck!

boy: I think it’s gonna be very difficult to get on there, but,

ricky: I – I think so, yeah. Get in the Vault of a Bank.

boy: Yeah. You got any ideas?

ricky: Some of these, some of these are bordering on the illegal. That’s 20,000 points for that.

karl: Have you seen that -

ricky: Like, Get in a Cage at London Zoo. Don’t do that.

ricky: I mean, it’s 10,000 points, but don’t do it. Unless it’s a penguin cage.

boy: That’s what we were hoping, just some kind of timid animal we might be all right with.

ricky: Yeah. Sure.

boy: If anyone’s got any good ideas, of sort of funky things to do on air, then um,

ricky: Ok, well if you, if you leave, if you leave your number, and anyone calls in they can help you,

steve: Well maybe sort of S Club 7 are listening,

boy: Yeah - or Hear'Say, cos I mean we love ‘em to bits.

boy: If they are, it is for charity, and the points get awarded into money for colon cancer research, so it would be absolutely fantastic if we could.

steve: Yeah, so Bradley, Jon, Tina, if you’re listening,

boy: Yeah, if you’re listening. Or any celebrity out there who is a female celebrity. We need to –

boy: We need to snog them, it doesn’t need to be a long snog,

ricky: Hold on, wait a minute, wait a minute,

boy: If we can, that would be great.

ricky: This is good for 7000 points, this looks like a good one, 'play the organ in a church', that must be easy.

steve: Is that a metaphor?

boy: Yeah, but you know what church people are like...

ricky: It does say 'the bigger the better' so it might be.

steve: That's gotta be a euphemism.

ricky: It's gotta be hasn't it, yeah, well thanks very much, good luck.

steve: Good luck, guys.

boy: Guys, thanks very much.

boy: Thank you very much.

ricky: Standing outside 'Le Mis' looking 'mis'.

steve: That's gonna happen.

ricky: That's good.

steve: 'Man a big gun-type thing on HMS Belfast.

ricky: That won't happen.

boy: We've got a big gun, it's just finding the boat which is the problem.

steve: Oh, calm down, what was your name, Bo...Po, Po?

boy: Skoe.

ricky: Thanks very much.

ricky: The Streets – 'Let's Push Things Forward', on Xfm 104.9, the home of charity.

steve: That's true enough.

ricky: Yeah, I've gotta slow down, cos I'm doing a little bit too much for charity, I've gotta, I've got to worry about myself sooner or later.

ricky: D'you know what I mean though? Come on

ricky: We were halfway through White Van Man.

steve: We were indeed, yes...

ricky: Until, those lads came in.

steve: Getting Karl's views on some of the big stories of the week, from the news. Karl, what do you make of the fact that the British Olympic curling team won a gold medal?

karl: I watched it.

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: I thought it was really good, erm, the only thing that's getting on me nerves now, is like... what was that?

ricky: Was that a trombone player just sneaked in?

steve: It was me, just moving this microphone.

ricky: Right.

steve: Incredible, isn't it, what an amazing noise.

karl: The only thing is...

steve: That shouldn't sound like that should it? That's incredible! What a shoddy tin-pot station this is.

ricky: Well, we know that.

steve: Sorry, Karl.

ricky: Go on.

karl: It's like in all the papers now, in the, you know, The Star and The Sun all week, they've been like traipsing models over a bit of granite, do you know how like those things are made out of granite, the, uh, the things they throw.

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: And it just, that, that bit annoys me.

ricky: Okay.

steve: What, The Daily Star?

karl: The way that, no, the way that, you know, this sport, no-one had ever sort of heard of it a couple of weeks ago.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Sure.

karl: We win a gold medal, and now in the paper it's like...

steve: They've gone crazy, they've gone curling mad.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Good game though.

ricky: Yeah, good, okay, next.

steve: Right, good, erm, let me see, let me see, let me see.

steve: What about the fact that the world's tallest man, is living in a semi in Neasden.

karl: Er, it's alright innit, erm, something that someone told me in the week, is that all these tall people, like this guy, it's a bit weird they've only just found him considering he's the tallest man.

karl: I mean that's a bit weird, someone...

ricky: Genius.

karl: ...someone told me that erm, you know the guy that was in James Bond, the big bloke.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Jaws.

karl: Jaws, he's got the same illness as this bloke.

steve: Right.

karl: And what it is...

ricky: It's called 'tall'.

karl: It's something about...

ricky: You're suffering from 'tall'.

karl: You've got a small tumour, or something, just behind this part of the head.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: Just sort of in the middle of your eyes...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...and the pressure on that

karl: Makes you grow really tall or something.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So he needs to get it sorted.

steve: So that's your advice to him?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Get it sorted, okay, very finally Karl, this is important, this is just projecting into the future...

ricky: ”Needs to get it sorted”!

steve: Just projecting into the future now K-man; apparently global warming will bring sizzling summers and weird wildlife to Great Britain, in the future, are you worried about that?

karl: Erm, how soon?

steve: Soon enough for you to worry.

karl: Yeah, that is pretty worrying.

steve: Okay.

karl: Erm.

steve: You don't, you wouldn't prefer it to be sunny here, all the time?

karl: No, because, with hot weather, comes weird spiders and that, see I always think we're quite lucky here.

steve: Yeah.

karl: If you live in Australia, you might have the sun and stuff, but you've got like deadly snakes, which are deaf, did you know snakes are deaf?

steve: Snakes are deaf?

karl: They don't have ears.

steve: Okay.

karl: So, erm, you're alright, walking about behind 'em...

steve: Yep, but if they see you ahead of you, you're in trouble.

karl: Yeah, with places like Australia, you know, people go 'oh it's great,

karl: It's sunny', but they don't talk about the spiders.

steve: They keep the spiders...shush.

karl: ...lizards and stuff.

steve: Quite.

karl: So I think we've got a bit of the both of best worlds here.

steve: So are you worried though about in the future, we'll have vultures flying through the sky, we've got various creepy crawlies, snakes, you concerned about that?

karl: Yeah, well there's a load, I saw something in the news in the week, about a load of sparrows or something, were somewhere, maybe that's the start of it.

ricky: That's an interesting story.

steve: Was that front page, or...?

steve: There's a load of sparrows somewhere.

steve: “Read all about it! Sparrows somewhere!”

ricky: “Sparrows somewhere!”

steve: “Sparrows somewhere!”

ricky: “Load of sparrows somewhere!”

steve: “Sparrows somewhere!”

karl: There you go anyway.

ricky: Excellent, that's great.

steve: Thanks a lot Karl.

ricky: That's, that's Karl, erm, giving his views on the news.

karl: Don't do that next week.

ricky: (Laughing) Why not?

karl: I just don't like it.

ricky: Why?

karl: Pressure.

ricky: It's not pressure, you did brilliantly.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Lost Prophets there on Xfm 104.9, now I like that, it rocks, I like the guitar, atmospheric, good. But it's called 'The Fake Sound of Progress'.

steve: I know... see what always annoys me is when people, they dismiss, you know, say Enrique Iglesias, current number one, great song.

ricky: Good video.

steve: Brilliant video and they say 'oh it's rubbish' and all that, but I think songs with titles like 'The Fake Sound of Progress', much more something to get on your hobby horse about.

ricky: What has happened in that video?

steve: Bad lyrics, by good artists, I think is always worse than a corny song.

ricky: If you're listening or if you work for the record company, or you worked on that video, because he's got the money and the girl, and then Mickey Rourke beats him up, right, he has a fight, you see him knock him over, and then it cuts and the next scene, it's night, it's not in the desert, there's loads of police cars, they're not doing anything.

steve: They're just standing around.

ricky: And somehow he's...

steve: Probably eating doughnuts.

ricky: ...dying of injuries. But I don't know what happened? They don't, what has happened, in that video?

steve: I think, if you heard the 12 inch mix, there's a whole bunch of other sequences which explain what happened.

ricky: Yeah, I mean, are we ought to think he stole the

ricky: Girl off Mickey Rourke?

steve: I think he stole the girl off Mickey Rourke, as well as some money...

ricky: Some money, yeah.

steve: Mickey's tracked him down, and he's thinking I'm gonna stop running, I'm gonna face Mickey down this time, he does and then bump, you're right, it cuts and then suddenly the police have... have shot him or something.

ricky: I don't know where they are.

steve: The police just seem to be leaving him to die in the arms of his lover...

ricky: See I thought, I thought that they'd called the police, cos of sort of like the melee, but Mickey Rourke's off with his gang the police are going 'well, where are they, there's no evidence', they're going 'well, look he's dying', they're going 'but how did he die? How is he dying', he's not, he's a bit wet...

steve: Knowing Rourke, though Rick, I imagine he's stitched Enrique up, he's framed him or something...

ricky: Or, or, he knows sort of like ninja stuff, and there's loads of internal injuries, that aren't immediately visible.

steve: Anyone, if you were involved in perhaps the making of that video, or indeed you are Enrique Iglesias, give us a ring.

ricky: If you're around.

steve: Come on. Just, just fill us in.

ricky: I, I need, I'd rather play some adverts now.

steve: I'd love, I'd love to play some adverts Rick, but I'll tell you this, I'd also like to tell the listeners, that coming very soon on Xfm, some huge news about Karl.

ricky: It is.

steve: That'll rock the capital.

ricky: It'll be Pop Idol,

ricky: It's gonna be an ongoing saga.

ricky: Gomez, 'Shot Shot', good track, good band, but I tell you what, in the second half I just wanna play classics.

steve: I'd love to hear a bloody classic today.

ricky: I wanna play some Cure, New Order, Smiths...

steve: Sure.

ricky: D'you know what I mean? Some, you know, we played Nirvana earlier, but that's not enough for me Steve.

steve: No, you need your fix.

ricky: I do, it's that point in the show, Song For The Lovers, one of my favourite singer-songwri- well, probably one of the most beautiful singer-songwriters of all time.

steve: Well you don't mean that like, you don't mean he's a good looking bloke and you fancy him, I mean, I just wanna clear that up Rick, cos otherwise...

ricky: That would...yeah.

steve: What you mean is, the songs he writes are beautiful.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You can take or leave him as a bloke I imagine...

ricky: I've got, i've got and he's written mo-, he' written such brilliant classics with his lovely arse, as, oh, why did I say that?

steve: Why did you say that?

ricky: Why did I say that?

steve: What did you say that for, Rick! Cos people...

ricky: Why did I say that?

steve: ...will listen and misinterpret.

ricky: Oh god. Erm, he wrote Galveston, he wrote Wichita

ricky: Lineman

steve: (Singing) “I am a lineman for the county...”

ricky: He wrote MacArthur Park and just to tickle him down below, what?

steve: What?

ricky: I don't know...

steve: What are you saying there?

ricky: See, you've... and this is a song, one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard, it's off the album Ten Easy Pieces, which is just him doing the versions, that he gave to other people on piano, and this is called 'If These Old Walls Could Speak', and it is absolutely beautiful, listen to this.

ricky: 'If These Old Walls Could Speak' by Jimmy Webb, might play another track off that later, if we've got time.

steve: What today?

ricky: Yeah, well maybe, or maybe next week...

steve: Who knows.

ricky: We got lots to pack in, we got things like New Order, Cure, oh...

steve: I'm just hoping that, erm, all those kind of nu-metal fans, Rick, can just calm down for a second, you know and just enjoy that for what it was.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I hope they're not, I hope their snobbery is not gonna prevent them from enjoying it.

ricky: I hope they can just leave it alone for two hours

ricky: For our show.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: We try and, you know, we try and pack lots of stuff in.

karl: Whilst you're talking about nu-metal, can I just say, Ian Camfield is here tonight, he's moving from Fridays.

ricky: Right, what the hell does he think he's doing?

steve: He's just offering up information now.

karl: No, it's just that you were talking about the nu-metallers and now seemed like a good time to say...

ricky: Karl, listen, you're here for our amusement.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You don't, sort of come in any time you want.

steve: When we decide it's sort of time to have some fun at your expense, then we'll let you know, but otherwise...

ricky: This, we're not here to help other DJs or even this station, we don't give a f- about this.

karl: See this is what my girlfriend said.

steve: What's that.

ricky: Well, you should listen to her.

steve: She knows what she's talking about clearly, now put your microphone down.

karl: She said they just wheel you out when they need you...

steve: Switch your microphone off Karl, and let us finish what we were saying.

ricky: Right, just...

steve: What were you saying Rick?

ricky: Ian Camfield has got a rock show...

steve: Oh right...

ricky: ...starting today, four hours or pure...

ricky and steve: ...rock!

ricky: Yeah, he's probably smoking, drinking Jack Daniels, and just like having picture of Vance put up, around the room to get him in the mood, and then he'll go out and rock. Karl.

ricky: Don't be silly, turn your microphone on, we're joking, it was er, it was, is that right, when's he on?

karl: 8 'til 12 tonight, four hours of rock.

steve: Lovely, listen, some big classics coming up, plus...

ricky: Oh no can we play some ads...

steve: ...huge news about Karl...

ricky: Oh no please let's play some more ads.

steve: Do you really want more ads?

ricky: I'm tired of the music and chat, please play some more ads Karl, please.

steve: Karl.

ricky: Christ's sake.

ricky: Cure on Xfm 104.9, that's what it's all about Steve.

steve: Absolute classics.

ricky: We got some more classics coming up.

steve: Looking forward to 'em.

ricky: Now, when we were talking to Karl in the week, the thing with talking to Karl is, you come up with something that's sort of like, quite innocent and he goes “aye, but once right...” and you realise that it's comedy dynamite, he doesn't know it, we wanna go 'save it', and he let out, erm, you were filling in a form weren't you, it was all about your girlfriend thinking you were a div, and it's happened before hasn't it? Cos she came home and you'd filled out a form to get a job once, hadn't you, what was that for?

karl: Granada telly.

ricky: And on it...

steve: Well... Karl explain.

karl: Erm, you see, this is what annoys me with job applications, cos rather than just saying 'do you want the job?' and 'what can you bring to this business?'.

ricky: Yeah 'do you want the job?' is a good one.

karl: Cos the thing is...

ricky: That, that, that'll sort out the men from the boys.

karl: ...no, listen right...

ricky: Cos if they say 'no' I don't think they want the job.

karl: Yeah, but listen...

ricky: Go on.

karl: I mean, I presume with what you do, you have to take people on and stuff?

ricky: What, in a fight you mean?

karl: You know what I mean.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And I think it's more important that you're willing to graft, and put the hours in...

steve: Sure.

karl: ...than say that you know, you did well at school.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Sure.

karl: Cos if I wanted to I could done well at school.

steve: Sure.

karl: I just didn't want to.

steve: So where's this going, so you had the application form.

karl: So, when it came to the qualifications bit and that, I couldn't fill it in, cos I didn't have any qualifications, it was also asking about your languages, and I put down, English – quite good.

steve: English – quite good.

ricky: And his girlfriend came home and seen the form, that he'd sent off, and

ricky: This was a copy of it, and so she went 'uhh', you know what I mean, so that's what started the disappointment.

steve: So there gonna get that and think that you're not English.

karl: I don't think I've got it, it was ages ago.

steve: Right.

ricky: How long ago was it?

karl: Well, it was when I was still in Manchester, so, five years ago.

ricky: I don't think you got it, no, erm, no.

steve: There could be a long list.

ricky: I mean, there's probably a lot of admin problems in that organisation, but they probably...

karl: What I meant by it is, that, you know, I can speak English, but I don't know all these long words that people use all the time.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Oh, god, can I just tell this quickly, erm, in the week, I'm talking to you now 'the listener', erm, usually I don't, Karl said, oh, about embarrassing him on-air and that, and he's worried about his education, and he was worried about not knowing long words, like we come up with any long words, and he said 'I was scared, you were gonna ask me something about someone', and he's an Eastern European leader, his surname is Milosevic, and Karl said, so I learnt it this week, and learnt it so you can't

ricky: Catch me out, in case you start, and he said, and he thought about it and he went Flobodan Milosevic.

karl: Got the surname right though didn't I?

steve: So what's his name?

ricky: Got the surname right.

steve: What's his name?

ricky: That's how Bill and Ben would address this leader.

karl: How would they have said it?

ricky: (As Bill and/or Ben) “Flobodan Milosovov...”

steve: What's his name?

karl: Slobodan...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...Milosevic.

ricky: Yeah, well done.

steve: Well, Karl, you almost let it slip then as you were talking about your filling out that application form, there's some big news, that everyone needs to know, which we were stunned by in the week, although, the more we sort of talk to you, the more it starts to fall into place.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But, Karl, what's the story?

karl: That I haven't got me, me exam results from me GCSEs.

ricky: He never turned up to get his exam results.

karl: I was working.

ricky: And so how many did you take in the end, cos you weren't even sure about that were you, you think you took Maths and English, don't you?

karl: Yep, and Art.

ricky: You think you've handed in the artwork, for Art.

steve: Now, Art was continual assessment wasn't it, coursework, and what was it that you made?

karl: I made a man, sort of putting his hands into a car.

steve: You put, you made a model of a man sort of,

steve: Putting his arms into a car.

ricky: What was this...?

steve: Well, that one's passed, we can take that as read...

ricky: Was that sort of an homage to break-ins in Manchester, was this, 'oh look he does what he sees!”

steve: Yeah you got that, so that's safe, you've definitely got that one.

ricky: So you've taken Art, you've taken English and Maths you think, so this is what we're gonna do listeners, we're gonna try and find out his exam results for him, and tell him next week.

steve: Live on-air.

ricky: We're gonna call his school, we're gonna try and track 'em down, and we are gonna have a little envelope and we are gonna give Karl, at the age of 29, his 'O' Level results...

karl: GCSE.

ricky: ...GCSEs, yeah.

steve: Karl, so you took Maths, you think, you took English, do you remember turning up to do those, do you remember sitting in the room filling in the forms?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay, and how do you feel you did?

karl: I don't think I did well.

steve: Did you revise?

karl: No.

steve: Why didn't you revise?

karl: Cos I don't really believe in it.

steve: Okay.

karl: Well, it's just that, if you don't know it, then you don't know it, you should have to start looking in a book.

karl: If I went to the Doc- if I went to the -

karl: Like, the hospital, and the doctor said, oh you need your appendix out, hang on a minute, I've just gotta read up on it, that isn't good enough.

steve: Okay.

karl: He should know, and that's, that 's the way I feel about it.

ricky: To be fair though...

steve: He did do the revision beforehand.

ricky: Yeah, they don't usually pass on, like, maybe, like when they're in practice.

steve: Information they took in by osmosis.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, and a bloke comes in and says 'can I just see what you did with that', and goes 'you've passed' 'phew', 'that's a good one'.

steve: Good job I watch Casualty.

karl: I just like the way, you know, the things that interest me, I remember, things like snakes not having ears and stuff, I didn't have to read about that.

steve: No, you just learnt that.

ricky: You saw it on the telly though, didn't ya, you saw it on that Ian Wright program.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah and this is what Karl said to me, he said, it's only, no actually I called Karl up in the week, and Reece was with him, you know Reece who used to be on Xfm, he took the phone and he went 'Karl's worried – I've seen that program, he said 'snakes don't have ears, right, so you can creep up on them and pick 'em up' he said 'Karl's worried cos how do you ever put 'em down again?'

ricky: Cos then they know you're there.

karl: I woke up the other night,

karl: Quite late...

steve: Worried about that?

karl: And I said to me girlfriend, I said “how do you put a snake down?” she said 'what you talking about?', I said “that Ian Wright thing, this guy managed to pick up a snake...”, and d'you know that thing where they clamp its head on a jar to get the poison out?

steve: I do now.

karl: Right they did that, but they didn't show you how they got rid of it and I thought 'it could really get nasty' cos it's obviously annoyed that you've had its head pressed in jar.

ricky: Yeah! They hate that!

karl: Now...

ricky: Especially, if it's in front of their mates.

karl: Now, when you lift it off...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, you've got hold of it...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: If you go to chuck it down, it's gonna turn on you.

steve: It's gonna go wild isn't it.

karl: So, I just wondered.

steve: Well, what you do is, you never put it down, Karl.

ricky: Yeah, that's why that bloke's got you know, 11 or 12, carrying 'em.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: You never put it down. You sling it, who cares.

steve: You just throw it don't you, really far.

ricky: That, I don't think you should throw snakes.

steve: But, Karl, listen, don't worry we're not asking you to get involved with snakes, we're just asking you now, did, did, you've done Maths, you think, did no revision for that?

karl: No.

steve: Okay.

steve: Uh, English, do you remember what it was, did they ask you about Shakespeare, did they ask you about books?

karl: Can't remember, but I must have done it, cos I thought that was hard.

ricky: It was English Language, not English Literature, wasn't it? So it was like...

steve: Spelling and all that?

ricky: Was it, no, was it like a comprehension, you read a passage and had to answer questions on it? Was it, did you have to write a short essay...

karl: I don't know, I can't remember any of that.

steve: Okay.

karl: I did, I did a science.

steve: Okay, Physics or Chemistry?

karl: Physics.

steve: Alright, well done, and this is all you think...

ricky: You actually took that, you actually took Physics GCSE you think?

steve: You're obliged to do a language I think, did you do French?

karl: I did French for a bit.

ricky: I don't think you are, I don't think you have to do a language.

steve: I think you have at GCSE, I think you've got to.

ricky: Well, English – quite good, I think that's his language he did.

karl: I can't...

steve: What about...

karl: I can't remember.

steve: History, geography?

karl: We'll find out, won't we?

steve: Okay, but, you just can't remember, I can't believe you can't remember turning up, for these things, cos it's quite a big moment in people's lives, it is that, it is the thing that you've been working to all of your educational life.

karl: On the day that the things came out, I was working at a print-, as a printer.

steve: Okay.

karl: And it was a really busy day.

ricky: Lots of spelling mistakes that day...

steve: It was a really busy day so you're bound to forget.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: No, but I had to use gold ink that day.

ricky: Yep, yep, yep, yep.

karl: You're not a printer, so you don't know.

ricky: No, no, that's a biggie innit.

karl: But it's tough, you've really gotta get your rollers clean.

steve: Karl, play a record, mate, good luck with the exam results, hopefully we'll have 'em for you next week.

ricky: PJ Harvey on XFM 104.9 - The Home of the Classics..

steve: Absolutely

ricky: ..classics classics.

steve: Classics classics classics.

ricky: Oggy Oggy Oggy

steve: Oy Oy Oy

ricky: Well, we were talking earlier about this, there's this book - 'They Died Young', right, and there's all these theories about these people, like famous people that aren't really dead. And I remember speaking to someone about this, okay, and they said to me: "Bruce Lee is not dead."

ricky: They said he's not dead, right.

ricky: And I said well, "How do you know?", he's going "No, it was a whole big thing by the Hong Kong government and he's actually working as an undercover cop in Hong Kong...

steve: I've heard this.

ricky: ...using his Kung Fu powers." Now-

steve: Apparently he faked his own death, Karl,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, infiltrating gangs, the Triads, that sort of thing.

ricky: Now, my point is this: If you're going to use someone undercover in Hong Kong, right, you know, an undercover cop, I suggest using the most famous Chinaman of all time. That would be-

steve: That's a guarantee!

ricky: Yeah. So, when he's taking away a gang, they're going "You look a bit like Bruce Lee", he's going "No. No I don't. No. See this, this mustache?"

steve: "Looks a bit wonky."

ricky: "Well it's just, just take my word for it. I'm not Bruce Lee, alright?""But all that stuff you did when you were punching us and kicking us and chopin-""Yes.. but.. coinc.. I'm not."

steve: "It does look a bit like the stuff in my film--in, in his films."

ricky: "In his films, yeah."

steve: "It's not."

ricky: "It's not."

steve: "Just coincidence."

ricky: "No. Yeah."

karl: The thing

karl: Is though, I'm not sounding bad here, not trying to offend anyone, but they do all look the-

ricky: RIGHT! Okay..

steve: They do all look the same?

ricky: NOTHEYDONT! It's...

karl: No, ah no, y'know we're having a serious chat. I'm not, y'know, I'm not here to upset anyone.

ricky: Right.

karl: An' what I'm saying is, over here..

ricky: I'm so sorry.

karl: Look I'm not-yeah, but you know me, I'm not out to upset anyone.

ricky: Right.

steve: You're not a racialist.

karl: No.

ricky: What do you mean? Are you saying Oriental people all look alike?

karl: What I'm saying is, well look at the people over here, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: With like, you've got-

ricky: No-

karl: You've got ginger people. You got people with black hair, you got people who are fat, people who are thin, but they're all so sort of fit, which isn't a bad thing, they all do that sort of thing in the park, they're all fit. It's a place where black hair, I mean, when they come here they take pictures of people with ginger hair, don't they? Cause they don't get them over there. That's what I'm saying! So calm down. Jeez.

steve: So you're saying that Bruce Lee, the most famous Chinese movie star of all time,

ricky: They can't tell 'em apart.

steve: Other Triad members, how are they, I mean how are they going about their business at all?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I mean what I'm saying is how do they even realize that that was the guy?

ricky: What do they have to do, wear numbers? You know, cause there's a billion of them.

karl: No, when you know 'em, then...

ricky: Oh I see, they can tell each other apart, can they? What they got, signals?

ricky: This is amazing, innit?

karl: That's how he got away with it.

steve: Simon, Simon! Which one are you? Just raise your hand, Simon.

steve: Chang! Which one's Chang? Chang? Good, yeah.

ricky: Oh it must be murder mustn't it? Just.. people going into the wrong houses all the time, getting off with their mates wives..

steve: Exactly.

ricky: ..yeah.

steve: Must be a nightmare, that.

ricky: It must be a nightmare. Please don't complain, he doesn't know what he's doing. I'm really sorry to anyone that's, uh.. He honestly does not know what he's saying. XFM 104.9

karl: Yeah but what I'm saying is,

ricky: Go on.

karl: I don't think I am offending anyone.

ricky: Okay, fine--that's alright then.

karl: And you know that I wouldn't wanna do that.

ricky: No, I know you don't.

karl: Before, when I swore on the

karl: Radio, I said "Right, if you've got kids in the car turn your radio down."

steve: So before you make any potentially racist remarks, just point out if you are listening and you might be Oriental, please don't take offence.

ricky: Or go.. awwhh.

karl: You know what I mean. So go on then, so what was this other dead person?

steve: Karl, play a record. Ricky's having a heart attack.

trail: The music of tomorrow is here - XFM.

ricky: Well, the music of tomorrow is here.

steve: That's true enough.

ricky: Yeah, must have been some sort of muck up with the post.

steve: Em, Rick, a lot of the times when I've played 'Hip Hop Hooray', my Hip-Hop track of the week, you've sort of scoffed, you've thought that maybe I don't have credibility amongst the Hip-Hop fraternity...

ricky: No, it's just the way you dance.

steve: Well-

ricky: It's merely the way you dance that worries me, because people can't see it, really, and it's sort of like... imagine if Mr. Bean though he was in D12.

ricky: D'you know what I mean? It's that sort of... and I don't diss you, I know you're a, a hip-hop appreciator, y'know.

steve: I wouldn't expect you to diss me, or ma black queen.

steve: But eh... the point is that I just, there's a little something that Karl's got on tape for you, that I think might change your opinion of my whole Hip-Hop credibility.

ricky: Oh no.

steve: Now I've told you in the past-

ricky: Not a video tape, is it?

steve: Not at all, not at all, actually, Karl, just play it, just play it.

tape of dilated peoples: Yo, one-two one-two, we are The Dilated Peoples. Chilling on Hip-Hop HoRAAY--that's right--with Steve Merchant y'all. XFM 104.9, LA to London, Dilated People expandin' 'em. All dat.

steve: Now, how about that?

ricky: Who did that? You did that, Karl?

steve: That was just when I was hanging out with my homies.

ricky: No, who did it? Did they come in, in the week?

karl: They were in in the week I think and somebody got 'em to do it for 'em.

steve: Yeah, no.. that was when I was, I was just hanging in the crib with 'em.

steve: Nah no no no just-

ricky: That's very nice of 'em.

steve: Just eh... and the guys just laid down some beats for me.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Just laid down some vocals and eh, I gave 'em max respect for it, y'know, and the place was mad deep with girls at the time.

ricky: I assume you're gonna play Dilated Peoples this week then.

steve: Welllll... maybe.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Let's play it Karl.

ricky: That's very good.

tape of dilated peoples played over song: ...Steve Merchant y'all. XFM 104.9, LA to London, Dilated People expandin' 'em.

steve: Respect guys, cheers very much, outta here! Yeah, guys just maxing there, lovely, good to hear from 'em. Good to hear from the boys. I'll probably be heading over to LA-NYPD and just eh, just y'know, chilling with them sometime.

ricky: I'd love them to meet ya.

steve: You're having a laugh! They-

ricky: I'd love them to meet you.

steve: We woulda hung out, I know all the jive talk man.

ricky: It's that thing they do on em, MTV or VH1 like "Being Dilated Peoples", and they come, and they make us three look like a rap group. Wouldn't that be great.

steve: Listen, I told you before, I've always remembered the words of Snoop Doggy Dogg.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "A bitch is a bitch and a ho is a ho, but if man be acting like a bitch he's a bitch ass homie."

ricky: Yeah, sure.

steve: Alright? Now those are the words from the street.

ricky: Sure. I'd, it'd be like you two had won a competition, or something, do y'know what I mean?

steve: I just don't think you can, em, you can believe it, that I'd just be hanging out with them in the crib.

ricky: Sort of like, 'People of Courage', and you get a chance to meet your favorite hip...

ricky: It'd be amazing, wouldn't it?

steve: Listen, we were talking earlier about, eh, the fact that, em, Bruce Lee--and it's a well known fact--he faked his own death so he could continue his undercover police work, as opposed to being a big superstar...

ricky: Because no one would, y'know, he doesn't look different to anyone else.

steve: But I was talking to someone as well, recently, who em, utterly convinced--and you get this quite a lot, don't you, especially Americans--that, eh, Elvis Presley's still alive.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I think, wasn't there some statistic, like more people believed Elvis was alive than thought... then believed evolution, was that right?

ricky: Yes--no no no no, um, no it's something worse than that, it's... yeah it could be something-

steve: It was something like that, it's something like, I don't know, it's something like 42% of Americans believe that Elvis Presley has faked his own death and is still alive, right.

ricky: Yeah

steve: And there's this whole book that's been written about it, cause em, Karl you might be interested in this, I know you're always fascinated by things that have been written down, and therefore are gospel.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And em-

ricky: And that you don't have to revise yourself. You just learn off Ian Wright. Yeah.

steve: But apparently, em, the reason that Elvis is still alive, em, is, that there's a number of, sort of, pieces of evidence. One is that none of his family could

steve: Agree which colour pyjamas he was wearing when he died. That's evidence apparently. Apparently, em, you know he was an honorary member of the FBI. Well, apparently his signature appears on FBI documents well into the '80s, long after he should have died. Apparently no one can agree, there was sums of money that only-

ricky: A lot of fat people in dungarees have seen him.

steve: Yeah. There's a number of sums of money which, apparently, only he could have given authority to have transferred to other bank accounts. They've moved. So, this is all evidence that Elvis is still alive. And em, a lot of people, I was talking to this guy and he was saying "Yeah, well of course, the thing is, the pressures of fame were too much for him", that he faked his own death, so he no longer had to be this huge icon, you know, he could live an ordinary life. And my query has always been this: If Elvis faked his own death, do you think the method he'd have chosen is to have shat himself to death whilst on the toilet?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah but, because he'd picked that, nobody will doubt it.

steve: Right. So Elvis went to the FBI...

ricky: Yeah,

steve: What do you make of it, Rick?

ricky: Well exactly, so, what he's saying Karl is that there was lots of methods open to him, y'know what I mean? He didn't go to his secret police and go [Impersonating Elvis] "Oh I'm fed up, I wanna, I wanna fake my own death." Y'know what I mean, and they go "Yeah"-

steve: "Yeah, and what methods have you got?"

ricky: "I'd like to be found shitting myself dead on the toilet."

steve: "You'd like to do what?"

ricky: "I wanna be a big.. fat.. mother fu.. on the toilet just shitting myself to death..."

steve: "Right I'm just-"

ricky: "...trousers around my ankles."

steve: "No Elvis, it's a good idea, I'm just wondering if there's maybe something a little bit more glamorous for your favorite death, I mean maybe you could take a bullet for the president?"

ricky: "Huh... what and shit all over him? Just shit myself..."

steve: "No no, there'd be no crap at all."

steve: "You'd just have to take a bullet for him, or you could-"

ricky: "There has to be... there has to be shit involved."

steve: "Wha- why has there got to be-"

ricky: "Has to be shit involved."

steve: "Why has there got to be crap involved?"

ricky: "I want it this way, huh? Make it happen."

ricky: [No longer impersonating Elvis] Yeah, it's probably... look at Karl, head in hand, look. Yeah, he's worried about the things we say!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Jeez.

steve: We haven't offended 1.2 billion people.

ricky: Yeah, a fifth of the planet.

steve: So Karl what do you make of it then? Are you convinced-

karl: Like I say...

steve: -Elvis is still alive?

karl: Em... am I getting him mixed up with someone else?

ricky: 'Cause all Elvis... all Elvises look alike.

karl: Because...

ricky: That, now that is true, a lot of Elvises do look alike. That's safe.

karl: On his gravestone, didn't they get his name wrong? Or is that his brother?

steve: Who's his brother?

karl: Em... A-Aaron

ricky: That's his middle name.

steve: You're not an Elvis, um, kind of expert are you?

ricky: Hold on, was Elvis, wasn't Elvis one of a twin that died.

karl: Yeah, that died, and I'm sure they got his name wrong on the grave or something. Ah, I dunno.

steve: But that's--so that's, consequently that's proof he's still alive.

karl: Nah the thing with the still alive thing, em, like I say, he picked that awkward death because nobody would be saying "Hang on a minute", going round upsetting the family, wanting to talk about it, 'cause they'd be embarrassed to be saying, y'know "He was found...", sort of "in a pile of mess."

steve: Yeah, weighing 25 stone.

karl: Yeah, so-

steve: Cause you notice he also expanded to a huge size as well, so he was just a huge, fat, blob of a man. He also did that, to add, y'know, extra...

ricky: ...to the glamour.

karl: I don't quite understand all this, these people who fake their deaths, because-

ricky: Well a lot of them don't.

ricky: A lot of them don't, Karl. This is what, this is what, in a roundabout way, we're saying. We're saying that a lot of people that say people faked their death--they didn't...

karl: Well who else-

ricky: ...like Bruce Lee, and James Dean and Elvis Presley. We saying they didn't fake their deaths.

karl: No but he--he did die, didn't he? His head come of didn't it?

ricky: Play a record!

steve: Who's this?

karl: James Dean.

steve: His head came off?

ricky: 'There is a Light That Never Goes Out', The Smiths, XFM 104.9. Nearly through.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Two hours of chat, great music.

steve: Bloody good music.

ricky: Karl.

steve: Of course.

ricky: Speaking...

steve: Yeah it's been fun.

ricky: ...before...

ricky and steve: ...he thinks.

ricky: By the way, you know when he was going on about Mowgli, you know we were talking about Mowgli and you said "What are the Gremlins called?"

karl: Yep.

ricky: Were you thinking of, aww, Mogwai? Mogwai.

karl: Umm.

ricky: Yeah, to be fair-

steve: But they were still-

ricky: They were called Gremlins,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, but.

ricky: I know what you were thinking, I know, to be fair.

karl: But my girlfriend won't be listening now, so... she'll still think I'm a bit daft.

ricky: She'd ne--how cou--why, why would she ever think that? How long have you been going out with her?

karl: Eight years.

ricky: Well then, why would she ever think you're daft? That's the only stupid thing you ever said, the Mogwai thing, why would she ever think she's going out with a, to be honest, a... retard.

steve: I, I think, em, I think it's a very beautiful relationship you must have, you know, 'cause it's odd, I mean she's a professional journalist or whatever, y'know, and she works for, is it Radio 5 or something?

karl: BBC Sport - TV.

steve: BBC Sport, and your man who never even got your exam results.

ricky: So presumably, her English quite good. Is her, is English quite good, her?

karl: Really good.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: So...

steve: And did she do her exams?

karl: Yeah. She's quite bright.

steve: Sure. So what do you bring to the relationship?

karl: I think I, eh, take the pressure off her.

steve: Take the pressure off her, to do what?

karl: Y'know, like...

karl: When she's had a stressful day and she comes home and talks to me, I think.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You would relax me, and that's the truth. Honestly, you know, Karl, you can just, he can just go "Well, it's alright", do y'know what I mean? He doesn't--you don't get stressed, he sits in his little booth in there, he doesn't talk to anyone, his little sound booth, in the week, and you just, you're in your own little world aren't you?

steve: Well it's interesting, 'cause I wonder sometimes what your aspirations are. I was thinking this, I was watching uh, a repeat of 'Family Fortunes', on Challenge TV last night...

karl: Oh I hate that.

steve: ...and it was sort of mid-eighties one, and I don't know if it's still the case but it was the aspirations of the contestants, were so kind of, it was like "and what's your hobby?", "Well, you know, I like to go out when it's nice weather and..."

ricky: "Ohhhh".

steve: "...stay in when it's not."

ricky: "Well if you win two thousand pounds you can probably be going out, when it's nice, couldn't you?", "Yeah".

steve: And she was like, "Well, and I, you know, I sometimes like to watch TV, you know", and I was thinking, wow, man, you've really got some incredible dreams there. It's just like that, I'm--you're just waiting to die, aren't you, that's all you're-

ricky: What I feel sorry for, right, two things, you know in like, 'Stars in their Eyes', and you get a little fella and he's gutting

ricky: Fish in a, some sort of factory in Bolton. And he comes on, and he does, you know, something like Bobby Darrin, okay, and he's, and- and Matthew Kelly comes out after and he goes, "Well, I don't think you'll be going back to the fish factory!" You will.

steve: You will be going back.

ricky: You will.

steve: Straight back there, mate!

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Don't wind him up Kelly!

steve: Let's think of all the Stars-

ricky: Cause that's a nasty thing to do.

steve: I'm trying to think, um, trying to think of all the 'Stars in their Eyes' contestants that have gone on to great things.

ricky: What happened to that little fella, that looked like the little Alsatian puppy that did Chris de Burgh, he looked a bit like Chris de Burgh, he looked like he had problems.

steve: Well I, yeah, now what was it, Ian Moor, his name was.

ricky: Now he, now, he was-

steve: Well I, it's interesting, my friend bought me, as an ironic gift for my birthday, he bought me the live video of Ian Moor. Um, you'll be pleased to know that 'Lady in Red' was on there...

steve: ...among a number of other hits. Em, but it was brilliant, it was called--it had a picture of Ian on the front, it said: "Ian Moor, Naturally"

ricky: His jacket was too big for him as well.

steve: Of course. It was ludicrous--but I don't know if that meant "Ian Moor, Naturally", like, we all know who this guy is, it's Ian Moor!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Or was it "Ian Moor", he's no longer being Chris de Burgh, he's just natural.

ricky: What did he sound like when he wasn't being Chris de Burgh?

steve: Chris de Burgh.

ricky: Did he really, 'cause he met him didn't he? He met-

steve: Yeah, well Chris de Burgh, I think Chris de Burgh couldn't wait to get back on the telly.

ricky: Well the thing is I think, I think Ian Moor is actually earning more than Chris de Burgh now. I think, it's...

steve: They could have got Chris de Burgh on there, as a contestant.

ricky: Yeah, You can get, you can get Chris de Burgh for £1000, but Ian Moor's going out for £1200 now. Just a PA to a DAT. But he does 'Lady in Red', he does all the hits. He does [singing] "Don't pay the ferryman! Don't even set a price!" Does all those.

steve: Interestingly I saw him interviewed once and, eh, 'Lady in Red's not his favorite song.

ricky: You're joking.

steve: It's bizarre isn't it?

ricky: But he was only gonna play that, if, em, eh who's the fat, uh, ginger... tuhhh... Sarah Ferguson.

steve: Oh yeah, yeah.

ricky: He was only--if she was wearing some red.

steve: He was only gonna play that, when?

ricky: Yeah, well, it was a live thing, and he was only gonna play that if she was wearing red or something.

steve: Right...

ricky: Didn't her freckles count?

steve: ...That's beautiful, that's beautiful.

ricky: No, so she had, luckily she had a red--that must have clashed with her a bit--a red scarf... on her--on her face.

steve: [singing] And the

steve: Highlights in your hair that catch the light.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Such a beautiful lyric.

ricky: [singing] Never seen you looking so lovely as you did... Uh, the thing is right, he, he misses a rhyme there, he goes eh, "When I asked you to", eh, "daance, looking for a little romance", now he could have said "dance", couldn't he?

steve: I, eh, I've met a man once in a bar and I was talking to him for some reason, I was annoyed by him, I was wound up by him. And em, I said that I'd written 'Lady in Red', and, eh, I'd never gotten any money for it. Cause I found out he was like a music lawyer? And he went, well give me a call, I'll investigate that.

steve: And he was actually gonna to do it for me, I loved the idea of that.

ricky: Why did you say that?

steve: Really bored, and I didn't like him much, and I was just, I thought that was em, that might be-

ricky: Why did you choose 'Lady in Red' though?

steve: Cause I was singing it with a friend of mine,

ricky: Sure.

steve: And he came over and went, "Oh, good voice!" And I went, "Yeah, I wrote this".

ricky: What i- pub is this?

steve: It was north.

ricky: Is it?

steve: Yeah. [singing] Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight... So em, anyway, that's enough of my Chris de Burgh anecdotes.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And that's very much the end of the show.

ricky: And eh, it is, it's been a great, it's been a great show.

steve: Hang on have I got time for a song for the lovers, or have I missed that?

ricky: No-

karl: If you give it me now.

ricky: -course you have.

ricky: What're you gonna play? What're you gonna play?

steve: What, are you gonna play a song now and then we've got time for it afterwards?

karl: No, you'll have to give it me now.

steve: Well I'd better dig it out, can you keep people entertained?

ricky: What have you chosen? I'll keep it going

steve: Well, em, a friend of mine that keeps making me new compilations has stuck on an old Tom Waits track, which is eh, from his first album, one that I've not listened to for a while. Re-listened to it--it's absolute dynamite.

ricky: Brilliant. Brilliant.

steve: Can anyone hear me?

ricky and karl: Yeah.

steve: I'm just wondering around...

ricky: Yeah, he's just getting it out of his bag now, 'cause we weren't, we weren't prepared for this. We sort of ran out of time, we were having such a great time with the philosophy of Karl.

karl: What do you fancy doing, anyway, for--with your future?

steve: Me?

ricky: Y'know, I was just going to tell you now, you know we're still on air, don't you?

ricky: Before it gets too casual, you know we are still broadcasting-

karl: Yeah, yeah

ricky: -to the capital. Okay, yeah what do you fancy doing with your future, Steve?

steve: Well once I've made all that money from suing Chris de Burgh...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Em... No em, you know, my future, I'm living my future, I know I wanted to have some good mates like yourself and Ricky...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know Karl, I wanted to be on the radio, I wanted to play great songs.

ricky: We're like The Three Musketeers, me, you and Steve, it's like, we're like the original Rat Pack, we're Ocean's Eleven, I'm Sinatra, you're Sammy Davis Jr., and you're, what's his name, Dean Martin aren't ya?

steve: Yeah, or

steve: Joey Lawrence--what's his name, Joey Lawrence, not Joey Lawrence--Joey Bishop.

ricky: Joey Deacon.

steve: Joey Deacon.

karl: My dad said the ending on the old one's better than the new one.

steve: We should definitely get your dad in man, that would be just dynamite. When people get tired of you, we've got the whole Pilkington family to...

ricky: The whole gene pool.

karl: Have you see it?

steve: No. Karl, have we got time for this now, really, mate?

karl: What drive-

steve: ...to be fair? Okay it's track number one-

ricky: This is shoddy.

steve: -now the interesting thing about Tom Waits is, that em, this is from his first album, and he doesn't sound like that kind of gruff, you know, lived in guy that he was to be-

ricky: He don't smoke! Yeah.

steve: -he's actually something of a crooner, but this is a track called 'Ol' 55', which bizarrely, I think might be covered by the em, The Eagles, but anyway, I think it's a really lovely track, a really beautiful track.

ricky: See you next week.

steve: And we'll see you next time.

ricky: Say goodbye, Karl.

karl: Seeya.

ricky: Say sorry.

karl: For what?

ricky: If you offended anyone.

karl: I didn't. If I say sorry, that's saying I'm guilty.

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