The Ricky Gervais Show

XFM Vault - S01E15 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

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ricky: Pete Yorn, For Nancy, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me, Steve, Merchant,

steve: Hello there.

ricky: Karl. Pilkington.

ricky: Steve, got any other toilet-related, anecdotes?

steve: Rick, my life is just full of toilet trauma.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I’ve, Karl – you may not realize this, but, uh, awhile back I used to host – this is bizarre – I used to host a radio show, on the BBC World Service, right? Now, you, if you want someone who’s the voice of integrity, the voice of intelligence, the voice of a nation, you’re gonna come to me.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That’s obvious. And I was broadcasting to – now they’ve got listeners of something like 50, 60 million people around the world. It’s mental, the listenership, of the World Service. And, I used to host this show with someone else,

ricky: It’s a big place, Steve.

steve: The world?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You’re absolutely right. And uh, anyway, so I had to, I had to be in to Bush House where they broadcast from, 10 o’clock, every Friday morning, to broadcast ‘round the world, to 50 million people, right? And one week, uh, went to the toilet, in my house, right, everyone had left. I got there a bit late, I, got up a bit late, already against me. The clock was already against me. Had to be there at 10 o’clock, broadcast around the world, and we got 2 toilets in our house, downstairs one, right, and the door had already been a bit dodgy, it was one of those doors where you had to give it a bit of a kick as you went in. It was gettin’, it was gettin’ a bit tight, I don’t know what, wood was expanding or something. I’m in there, and, same thing again happens. No toilet paper. I think, Oh God, I’m gonna have to somehow kinda' make it upstairs,

ricky: Why don't you check, first.

steve: I normally do, Rick! I normally do. It’s just on a certain occasions when I’m bleary-eyed or something I just, I forget. Or I occasionally I forget. Normally I do check.

ricky: Right.

steve: And um, you’ve got to bear in mind that it’s not like this is happening every week. This is over the coarse of many years,

ricky: Sure.

steve: That these instances have accumulated.

ricky: You’ve condensed them. For

steve: For purposes of this anecdote.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Yeah. Yes. And um,

steve: Great. Brilliant. Keeping the pace up of an anecdote there, Rick, you’ve just drawn in – I don’t know where I am now. Anyway – oh, I know where I am – I’m trapped in a toilet with no toilet paper.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I’m thinkin’, Maybe I’ll peel off some of the wallpaper, you know, things like that, but there’s nothing I can do,

karl: Newspaper.

steve: Well exactly, but I - I go upstairs, and find,

ricky: Toilet paper! Was there any?

steve: There wasn’t, sadly,

ricky: Wasn’t? All right.

steve: I’d have to go upstairs and maybe find a notepad or something like that. And uh, so I try the door, and the door is wedged, and I’m pulling on the door, and I can’t, get the door open. And it’s just like, and I’m already, I knew it was gonna come to this at some point, this is like, the clock’s ticking, I’m trying to pull the door open, trousers around my ankles again, and I’m thinkin’, well what I can do, I can open the window, I suppose, and like try and climb out, but, not really, ‘cause I’ve got the trousers ‘round the ankles,

ricky: Or if it was raining, just stick your arse out, two birds with one stone!

steve: Sadly, it was a beautiful day, Rick.

ricky: It’s – I call it the World Bidet.

steve: And so um, what I’m thinkin’ is, I wonder, I’ve got my mobile phone in there, ‘cause I’m, it’s in my pocket, I’m thinking well maybe I’ll phone, seriously,

ricky: Kleenex!

steve: Well maybe I’ll phone the fire brigade!

karl: At this point, hadn’t it just dried?

steve: No, it hadn’t! It was, it was,

ricky: Hold on – was that little puppy not around? ‘Cause some, sometimes you can call that, it’s got a little bit wrapped ‘round it!

steve: Listen.

ricky: Or just use the puppy itself!

steve: There’s 50 million people around the world, waiting to hear my voice in like 30 minutes,

ricky: Yeah? Yeah? Exactly.

steve: And –

ricky: (In indistinguishable foreign accent) Where is Steve? He is not locked in a toilet again, is he?

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Oh no!

steve: So um, so I’m thinking about phoning the fire brigade,

ricky: Sure.

steve: And I’m thinkin’, if I do that, it’s gonna, you know, it’s gonna be the first call that goes straight on the speaker phone,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: For like the entire, fire brigade service everywhere,

ricky: With a butch hero, carrying you down over his shoulders with your trousers down ‘round your ankles.

steve: Exactly!

ricky: Can I not just pull ‘em up? No – you’ve got to be learned – taught a lesson.

steve: Yeah. Well I imagine the idea of a, phoning up and going, Hello there, I’m uh, I’m trapped in a room in my house. Oh yeah? Which one is it? Aw, you don’t need to know ..

ricky: It’s quite small. It’s quite small.

ricky: Is it? Yeah.

steve: It’s not the toilet, is it? ‘Cause we don’t wanna come and rescue someone who’s trapped in the toilet. No ..

ricky: Which service do you require? Paper?

steve: So um, I think I can’t find the fire brigade, the clock’s ticking, so then I think, I think one of my housemates is still in the house but still asleep. So I phone the house number, right, phone rings and rings and rings for ages, and eventually, he answers the phone, right, he gets out of bed, answers the phone, Yeah. Hi, it’s Steve, All right, what’s wrong. I’m downstairs,

ricky: What are you doing? What are you doing? All right? Yeah, I didn’t wake you? Oh no. What are you doing? Ah, just, in the toilet ..

steve: I’m just downstairs in the toilet,

ricky: Oh yeah? What’ you doin’? Ah, finish what I’m .. have you got any … toilet paper.

steve: Any bog roll.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So, he had to um, kinda scrape together a few bits of paper, you know, and sort of tin foil, or whatever he could find,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: In the house, right.

ricky: A cactus. Oh no!

steve: Pass it underneath the door, right, and I had to, then he, I said, Can you move away from the door, while I, ‘cause I don’t want him to hear me, as I’m, you know, wiping,

ricky: You didn’t say that.

steve: Yeah! Well I didn’t want him to, that’s, that’s embarrassing!

ricky: Sorry – what were you – what were you wiping with? Tumbleweed? What do you mean? What noise?

karl: I know what he means.

steve: Yeah. No, exactly.

steve: So um, so then I say, Right, can you

ricky: Why was he hovering?

ricky: Why didn’t he want to walk away? What was he, outside with a glass to his ear?

steve: Yeah. Yeah. But thankfully there was a window, in the door, but it was frosted glass. You could just see my semi-naked body, movin’ around. And um, so eventually I said to him, Look, listen, I’m gonna need you to sort of kick the door in. He said, Well, I don’t wanna kick the door in ‘cause we’re gonna have to pay for it, aren’t we, I go Yeah, but I’ve got to go to the World Service, I’ve got – and he was, a lovely man, he’s the weakest man, you’ve ever, you’ve ever come across. It’s like, if there’s one person you don’t want, to have to throw their bodyweight against a door, it’s him. It’s like he’ll snap before the door will. So he’s smashing against the door,

ricky: This sounds like a fetish, to me, though. He went in there, there you were naked, with lots of toilet paper. And you go, Oh, you’ve broken the door down, and here I am, naked.

ricky: Again.

steve: Oh, you’ve rumbled me, Rick!

steve: I wish I’d not told that embarrassing story on the radio! Like it wasn’t embarrassing enough, you’ve just got to make it slightly more seedy.

ricky: Oh, so, did he, did he get it down.

steve: He did, yeah, and I got to the World Service with like, minutes to spare.

ricky: Ohhh.

steve: And, interestingly, I told that story, to 50 million people around the world.

ricky: Did they understand?

steve: I think so.

karl: Well, what, I mean, is that a bit of a problem, when you’re on the World Service, like thinking of things that everyone, can understand.

steve: Yes.

karl: ‘Cause you can’t talk about,

steve: It’s a bit like when talking to you, Karl.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, exactly, Karl. I think you’re on thin ice there. Worryin’ about people understanding what you’re saying.

karl: No, but you can’t talk about stuff that’s on the telly and that, ‘cause some people will say, Well, we haven’t even got a telly here.

ricky: Aw… you’re listening to Xfm 104.9. Play a record.

ricky: Nirvana, All Apologies, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, obviously. With me Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington, well. Steve. I met up with, I know it’s forbidden, usually,

steve: I don’t know why you keep doin’ it!

ricky: Let me just explain to the listener, um, me and Steve have got a little bit of a pact. We’re not allowed to talk to Karl, during the week, because he comes out with too much dynamite, and we want it to be fresh. And it’s, it’s just unfair. And if he sees us laughin’, he, he clams up a little bit, ‘cause he, he knows something’s wrong. With his head. So, um, I was in a pub, and, Karl called. Returned call – I called you earlier, didn’t I. And I said, Oh, I’m just ‘cross, the road – come over. And uh, he came over, and, we had a conversation, and uh, I kept sayin’, No – save it. And I can’t remember half the things he was sayin’, but I do remember one thing he said. He said, that the human eye never grows. He said, he said, unlike your ears and nose that keeps growing all your life, he says the human eye never grows. Now there’s a little bit of – he said, Now you look at a baby that’s got big eyes, it’s got the same size eyes as it will have, when it’s an adult.

karl: When a – when a baby’s born, everyone always goes, Aw, look at it’s eyes. Don’t they. ‘Cause that’s like the main feature.

steve: Yes.

karl: Quite big. They don’t grow, they don’t get any smaller. They stay the same size.

steve: What, you mean once you become an adult, the same sized eyes,

karl: No. Soon as you come out the womb, you’re eyes, the size they are, as a little baby, they stay the same size,

steve: Until you die.

ricky: And I’m, I said, I pointed out to him, Right, I said, If that was true, Steve Merchant, when he was a baby, with these eyes he’s got now, woulda looked like a hammerhead shark.

steve: All right, calm down. You don’t wanna go lay into the eyes.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? Just to prove m’point.

karl: I didn’t laugh,

steve: Good.

karl: When he said that.

steve: Respect.

ricky: D’y’know’t I mean, though? Imagine –

steve: Well. I’ve got – the eyes are the windows of the soul! And mine are, happen to be, enormous,

ricky: French windows.

steve: Plate glass windows.

steve: But you know. But nevertheless, they’re beautiful. People find them beautiful.

ricky: Yeah, they’re good, they’re great, yeah, many people do. Um, but I –

karl: D’you know they don’t have knee caps, either.

steve: My eyes, or … ?

ricky: What?

karl: Bab-babies. When they’re born, they don’t get knee caps until they’re about 2.

steve: They don’t get knee caps?

ricky: Is that true?

karl: Yup.

steve: What’you talkin’ about? But isn’t it like a - isn’t it bony, part of,

ricky: Well no, all the, you’ve got lots more, lot more bones when you’re born than when the rest of your life,

karl: Yeah, you’ve got 300 when you’re born, then 205 when you’re an adult.

ricky: Yeah, they all fuse, don’t they.

steve: Do they.

ricky: The head’s got to be all soft to come out,

steve: Right.

ricky: As we said earlier, ya know,

steve: I wouldn’t know – I’m a shark.

ricky: Oh, God!

steve: So what did you say when he said about, my eyes being hugely -

ricky: OK, get off it!

karl: I said that isn’t nice, ‘cause he’s not here.

steve: Yeah. Talk about me,

karl: I wait till he’s here when I slag him off.

steve: No, nice one, Karl! You’re an honourable man!

ricky: Aw, this, I know, see, the thing, the thing is, right, that made me think there might be a little bit of truth in this,

karl: There is, as well, the ear thing. Have you seen that,

ricky: That’s true, yeah.

karl: With old men with really long ears.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And big noses.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Do they -

ricky: Do they eat buns? And walk around in the jungle, these old men?

steve: I don’t understand – you mean that the ears and the nose carry on growing?

ricky: Yeah, they do. That’s true. That’s true. It’s cartilage, sort of like,

steve: Yeah, but not like, not sort of like Pinocchio.

ricky: No, no. After you’re dead, you leave your body lyin’ around, it’s got huge elephant-type ears!

steve: Really! If you left ‘em long enough.

ricky: Four foot nose!

steve: Incredible!

ricky: That’s what – yeah. Um,

steve: That’s remarkable.

ricky: You know the, but you see that, it’s about the focal, um, uh, length, in your eye, you see, ‘cause it’s like a big lens. So, it makes sense that they couldn’t change that much. ‘Cause an owl - d’ya know why an owl turns its head round, sort of like 180 degrees.

steve: No.

karl: ‘Cause it can.

ricky: “Cause the eyes take up the whole, it’s the biggest eyes in the animal kingdom, the eyes take up the whole of its skull.

steve: Really!

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. And it has to move its, yeah.

steve: Has it got a brain in it, as well.

ricky: It’s got a brain in there, yeah, above the eye, yeah. When I say the whole of the skull,

steve: Quite. Yeah. There’s some space for the brain.

ricky: What I meant is, the, the, the 2 diameters of the eyes, is the, diameter of the, skull.

steve: You’ve lost me there, with diameters.

ricky: You didn’t like maths, did you.

steve: Nope. Don’t like maths. Never understood it. Couldn’t get to grips with maths. I don’t know about you, Karl.

ricky: Did you do maths, Karl?

steve: How did you do on your exams, in maths?

steve: Did you enjoy that? Was your – I’ll bet yours was rather like my theory, which was, why do you need to figure it all out when you’ve got a calculator.

karl: Exactly.

steve: Yeah. I knew it.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: And I agree.

ricky: Well let’s play a record and afterwards, I’m gonna be testing you on your homework this week, Karl.

steve: Could we do uh, White Van Man first?

ricky: We could do, oh, just to, no, they’ve got to know, what they’re dealing

steve: No, just to remind people -

ricky: With, yeah. Karl’s homework was to read all about, um, as you know, Che Guevara.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Uh, uh, last week, he did well on Rasputin, didn’t he.

steve: He did very well on Rasputin. Passed with flying marks there.

ricky: Uh, so let’s have a bit of Wu Tang, shall we.

steve: Then let’s have White – Van – Man.

ricky: Karl.

steve: White Van Karl!

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Wu Tang Clan there, Steve. Xfm, 104.9, Ricky Gervais, with Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Now I just uh, for a moment, something else Karl said in the week. I know it’s, forbidden to talk to him, but wh- I’ll you this. He was talkin’ he was very excited about the Friends Reunited, he was a bit nervous, at first, wasn’t he last week. But he was really getting into it. Um, and uh, in the pub we were talking to people and he said, I’d, I’d never, go on a reunion, though. He said I’d never, never do that.

steve: What, a school reunion.

ricky: Yeahhh. And he said, I wouldn’t want to see anyone. And I went, well I said, I said, Wouldn’t you want to see those, 2 lads with the big heads, and the webbed hands.

steve: Oh yeah. These were, people you went to school with, were they?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well I didn’t knock about with ‘em. They were in the class.

steve: What were they called?

karl: Uhh—ffreaks.

steve: Right.

ricky: Right.

steve: OK.

ricky: And uh, he said, Naw, I wouldn’t want to see them, ‘cause what could you say? Ooh, you haven’t changed much. Right? And he went, he said, And they wouldn’t go anyway, would they? I said Why? Well they, didn’t have any friends. And I said, Well, weren’t they friends with each other? And he went, No, that would have been too obvious. Like they passed and went, No. I know it’s tempting, but let’s not.

steve: Everyone would think that’s just what we were gonna do,

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Let’s not do it.

ricky: So they didn’t even – hang around with each other?

karl: No.

ricky: (Mumbles) In my – in my head I’ve got summat like, it’s like a, some sort of extra thing from Blake 7, that they’re like some sort of, you know, lagoon monster. But they just had slightly oversized heads, did they?

karl: See, does your head grow? Your eyes don’t, does your head, ‘cause maybe they got to a point now that it’s all sort of caught up with each other.

ricky: Go on!

steve: So at the time the eyes were very small and the head was huge.

karl: Just a very big head. I mean the fingers aren’t gonna change, you know, that’s not,

steve: They had webbed fingers!

karl: It was like the Penguin, in Batman.

steve: Really! Are you sure?

karl: No, honestly.

steve: Are you sure they weren’t wearing mittens?

karl: No. Seriously.

ricky: Yeah. They weren’t – it wasn’t Home Economics. They weren’t getting summat out of the over, a very hot dish, were they. Every time you saw them.

steve: But why were they 2, but they weren’t related and they weren’t friends?

karl: Dunno! I suppose it’s like asthma and that, innit. It’s like some kids have it, and it’s just a coincidence –

steve: Yeah, but asthma’s quite a common, thing! Webbed hands, Karl!

karl: Yeah. I dunno. You don’t think of it, do ya, really, when you’re a kid. You just sort of – when ya, when ya first see ‘em,

steve: There goes the Frog Men.

steve: Anyway, Karl, let’s have a, let’s have a little quick session of White Van Man. For those that don’t listen to the show regularly,

steve: The Sun has a section called White Van Man where a member of the public is asked their opinions on the week’s big political and social hot potatoes. Karl, we just thought, uh, it would be fun if you just had some of the questions. It’s not so much questions, really, it’s just your views on these big, these big news stories. Uh, what do you make of Olympic ski hero Alain Baxter testing positive for drugs.

karl: What did he do.

steve: Well, he won a gold medal, in the Olympics, and he

karl: For what?

steve: He was a skier.

karl: Right.

steve: And, he won a gold medal, and they tested him positive for uh, some kind of illegal drug.

karl: But, what, I mean if he did, why take drugs to ski?

steve: Why take drugs -

karl: ‘Cause all you have to do is balance.

steve: But imagine it would be amazin’ if you were stoned, like goin’ down a hill!

ricky: Yeah, it’s not like you’re, you’re,

karl: But, it’s, it’s not gonna help you, it’s not like,

ricky: No! It’s just gravity that’s doin’ all the work, innit, with skiing.

steve: Yeah, but it’s often to do with your athleticism, isn’t it. It’s not,

karl: No, but it would be like sayin’, We’ve just found out the people on the toboggan were on crack. It’s not – it’s not gonna help ‘em.

steve: Yeah, but you –

karl: You sit there, and you go with the flow! And you try, and you hold on -

ricky: Yeah. Could I just, could I say,

steve: Apparently that’s his defence!

ricky: The drugs he was taking, prob’ly, he wasn’t, he prob’ly wasn’t jackin’ up, H, or, y’know, dropping a few Es, or getting stoned. He was probably taking more sort of, uh,

steve: Steroids.

ricky: Performance enhancing drugs. As opposed to him just like scoring some shit around the corner from someone.

karl: But, but that’s -

ricky: Getting off his tits and jumping in a toboggan! Doesn’t mean that, does it!

steve: He wasn’t – yeah. He wasn’t off his nut.

ricky: Yeahyeah. Are you – you – we’ve tested you, you’re pissed out your head!

karl: Why’d’t he just say, Don’t be stupid. Why would I do that. It’s not gonna help me out.

steve: But it is, isn’t it! Because uh, performance enhancing drugs do!

ricky: Wait a minute, Steve – wait a minute. Karl,

ricky: Look at this way – look at me – OK, yeah. Have I got his attention?

steve: Yeah. The the the – the light’s glinting off your ring there,

ricky: Yeahyeah. Yeah. OK, right. Now keep concentrating. Some athletes, you’re aware they take drugs, that’s to build up muscle -

karl: Swimmers and stuff.

ricky: Yeah. Swimmers, runners, yeah. Not only do they help build muscle, but they can actually, y’know, give ‘em a boost, performance-wise, like steroids, and all, all this sort of stuff, right. So that’s the sort of thing we’re talkin’ about. OK.

karl: Right. So again,

ricky: He was- he wasn’t on a bong, before,

karl: Why would that help him?

ricky: What!

karl: Why would that help you, when, you’re, all you’ve got to do is balance on skiis!

steve: Not when you’re at the Olympic level!

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: There’s a lot to do with, y’know, your body, and your legs,

karl: No, it’s practice, innit! It’s like, if, if you’ve skied for years, then you’ve got good balance after a bit.

ricky: Hold on, Karl. D’you know what? You’ve made a mockery of drug taking! Well done! All right, next one, Steve.

karl: I hate this bit. I hate this.

steve: Um, I don’t know if you saw it, what do you make of Posh Spice’s “warts and all” documentary?

karl: Yeah, I saw a bit of it.

steve: What do you make of it?

karl: Uuuuu…I mean, people are slaggin’ ‘em off, aren’t they, saying, y’know, she’s daft and that, but,

ricky: They haven’t met you!

karl: She’s – I, I think they’re all right, honestly.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: She’s all right, I mean, I think David’s really, a decent bloke.

steve: Sure.

karl: Um,

steve: Would you agree that he’s quite a simple man?

karl: Yeah, but he’s a footballer, he doesn’t need to be – d’y’know what I mean, it’s like me.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Like, y’know, all right, I only get an E in history.

steve: Sure.

karl: But, knowin’ about the Tudors doesn’t help me press these buttons to put the next CD on.

steve: No. Sure.

karl: D’y’know’t I mean?

steve: Yeahyeahyeah. Yup.

karl: So, good luck to him, and he’s done well out of it. It’s just jealousy.

steve: Yeah?

karl: I remember, though, when I was back in Manchester, I was in Piccadilly Train Station, and he was there, right. Not as big a star as he is now,

steve: Yeah.

karl: Back then. But he was stood there, and I was so close to goin’ over to him and saying, Did you go to my school. Because, I recognised his face, didn’t know who he was.

ricky: Oh no!

karl: D’you know when you sort of go, I’m sure I went to school, and it’s not the one with the big head, but I do recognise him. And me girlfriend got off the train and I said, I’m sure I know him and she said, Yeah, it’s David Beckham.

ricky: Oh, thank God for your girlfriend, she get you out of an awful lot of scrapes, does she?

karl: She does, yeah.

steve: OK, um, what about the fact that, the pension crisis,

ricky: Sure.

steve: Is gonna force Britons to work into their 70s, Karl. You might have to carry on working in to your 70s, to claim a pension.

karl: I think it’s a good thing. Uh, ‘cause you see a lot of old people who look bored.

steve: OK.

karl: And I honestly think, if you keep, if you keep your brain busy,

ricky: Yeah,

karl: You’ll live longer.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It’s only when you actually shut down, right, that, that’s when your body sort of dies, ‘cause it doesn’t feel it has a purpose. It’s like if, you’ve got the flu, keep going to work. If you have a day off you’ll just feel worse. You’ll mope about at home, doesn’t do you any good,

ricky: What about, where do you draw the line there, though. What if you, say, lose a finger. Pop in to work?

karl: Um, depends. If, if you can’t concentrate ‘cause it’s painful,

steve: But what if you’re a typist.

ricky: Or a pianist.

karl: You’re not gonna type as many words, but you’ll do more, at work, than you would havin’ a day off at home.

steve: Sure. OK. Um, Tony Blair, turning trendy, with his uh, Paul Smith designed naked lady shirt, I don’t know if you’ve seen this, this is the one with pictures of naked ladies on the cuffs.

karl: And – you know, I mean,

steve: OK. Um, and finally um,

karl: How is that – you see, this is what annoys me about this feature. It’s just, what’s that – so what?

steve: Yeah, but it’s the pres- it’s the Prime Minister of this country, wearing a trendy shirt, with naked ladies on the cuffs!

karl: All right.

steve: OK! And, finally, what do you make of the fact that Top of the Pops have banned Will Young singing both tracks, uh, on the number 1 slot. And consequently, he wasn’t on there at all and he should be. The first time anyone’s ever made this demand. He wants to sing both the A and, uh, B side.

karl: Well, he can’t –

ricky: A. It’s double A.

steve: Double A side.

ricky: That’s what he wanted to do.

karl: That – that isn’t how it works, is it.

ricky: Yeah, I agree. Yeah.

karl: And the thing is, which one – I mean, at the end of the day, loads of people have bought it, haven’t they. Isn’t it like one of the best -

ricky: Yes. Yes.

karl: So it doesn’t really matter what they do, just people have got it, they can listen to what song they want at home. It doesn’t matter what Top of the Pops do.

steve: Yes.

karl: And, it’s just annoyed me now. I don’---it’s,

steve: Who’s annoyed you?

karl: Just what goes on in the world! I tell you what, you’re better off not knowin’! I – it’s better bein’ in my little world. Iff that’s what people are talkin’ about in the streets. Askin’ the White Van Man. D’y’know’t I mean?

ricky: You’re right, Karl. I think you’re right.

karl: Jeez.

ricky: Shall I – shall I play a lovely song for you, ‘cause you’re gettin’ all stressed now, aren’t ya.

karl: I’ve not had a good day.

ricky: No, I know. I’ll tell you about that later, ‘cause he’s not had a good day. Well I’m gonna play uh, um, a Neil Young track here, off Harvest. It’s Alabama. It’s, it’s beautiful, and this is for Karl.

ricky: Athlete. West Side. I still like that one.

steve: It’s a good track.

ricky: Yeah, I was worried it was bit – nov – it would go off very quickly.

steve: No, it’s not bad at all.

ricky: On Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Steve.

steve: Well, we were talkin’ about the news just now, and um, there was a story I heard in the week, and I think – it was on the radio, and I don’t know all the details, but what I heard was that a number of, I think it was Falkland, uh, maybe Gulf War, war veterans, were I think suing, or complaining to the government, ‘cause they wanted compensation for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now, I don’t know all the ins and outs of it, but it seems to me, that if you’re in the army, and you’re a soldier, a certain degree of trauma, is kind of inevitable. I mean, after all, if you’re any good at your job, you are gonna see people getting killed. So I don’t understand what the ins and outs of it are,

steve: I don’t know why,

ricky: (Mumbles) - came back and Tony Blair met him and go, Alright? Well, not really, no! Go on - whatsa matter? Well there was people shootin’ at us and everything, it was all muddy .. Well, calm down, don’t cry. Well, I will cry!

steve: There was a drill sergeant, just kept shoutin’, sayin’ Look at you, stupid boy, this gun’s not clean, and I just cleaned the gun, and it was fine, and now he’s tellin’ me to clean it again,

ricky: Yeah, the boots, they was shiny, and he’s got to do that, it’s more -

steve: His neck was as big as his head!

ricky: Ricky laughs

ricky: Well, yeah, but you know,

steve: I mean, I don’t know what the ins and outs of it are. But um,

ricky: What you gotta do is make sure you know what you’re goin’ into. That’s what I do. You gotta check the small print. So if I was, you know, goin’ over to like the Falklands, or, you know, the Gulf War I’d put my hand up and go, will uh, will it be horrible. I’d go – You? They’d go You at the back, yes? I go, Will it be horrible. It, it will be horrible, yes. It will be horrible. There will be shooting, and lots of death and everything like that. I go, Right. I’m not gonna go then.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Ok then. That should be fine, yeah!

steve: That should be fine.

ricky: Does anyone else scared about this? Uh, pretty much all of us. Ok, then, we won’t send anyone then.

steve: Steve laughs

steve: Exactly.

karl: Me brother, me brother went into the army. Right. ‘Cause um, ‘cause he couldn’t get a normal job. And me dad said, That’s it. If you don’t get a job by such-and-such a date, son, you’re goin’ in the army.

ricky: Ricky laughs

karl: And um, so when, when was the Falklands? Was it about 80-

ricky: ’81.

karl: Right. And he joined, back in like ’81 or something, and uh he, I dunno, he was in Aldershot or something,

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: And uh, he wrote back to me mum saying, Bad time to join, bad time and this. So, she wrote,

ricky: Bad time to join! That’s so sweet, Karl, isn’t it. That -Dear Dad, well, done,

steve: Don’t know if you’ve noticed,

ricky: Yeah. I was on the dole, that’s for sure, Uh, thank you for (mumbles) uh, a month before the Belgrano.

karl: Anyway.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Me mam called up, spoke to the sergeant, and said, Can you leave ‘im out of this one.

steve: Can you leave him out of this one. What, the Falkland War?

karl: He’s only just joined, and she called him ‘Chuck’ which he got done for. Like she, she’s one ‘a them, I think it’s a Northern thing, like sayin’ How are ya, Chuck.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And she called the sergeant Chuck. And he, he, he the sergeant said to me brother, uh, Your mum, you know, she’s called up and asked if you can not go. Which, of course, you know I mean, we’ll see how it goes,

ricky: What? What’d’mean? Why did the sergeant even entertain this?

karl: Well,

ricky: Pilkington, Come’re. Your mam’s been givin’ me a bit of an earache, now listen. Tell ‘er I’ve toldja, but can you call her, ‘cause she was really, she called me Chuck and everything. Can you call her and say you don’t mind, oh please, ‘cause I’ve promised her I’ll uh, Say you wanna go. No! Please, say you wanna go! Why was he entertainin’ this phone call?

karl: Prob’ly because he was a new.

ricky: What?

karl: ‘Cause he was new to the army, I s’pose.

ricky: Who? No, I mean the sergeant!

karl: I dunno! Maybe they do that!

steve: So what happened, he didn’t go in the end?

karl: So he didn’t go, no.

ricky: You can’t do –

steve: But that’s ludicrous!

ricky: I love that though – we’re goin’ over the top – Pilkington! I’ve got a note. Yeah. Is this, is this really your mum. Yeah. Ok. No, this seems to be in order.

steve: You didn’t – no – you – ‘cause I noticed it says, um, uh, I do not want to go in the army, I do not want to go and fight, and it’s crossed out and said, My mum said -

ricky: No, no, my mum wrote this.

steve: You didn’t do this yourself. You definitely wrote this yourself.

ricky: Ok. You’re excused. You’re gonna have to fill envelopes.

karl: No, I’m sure if he was needed he would’ve had to go, but I think they made a bit of a special effort.

ricky: It wasn’t conscription anyway! Oh no, I was thinkin’ of the army (can’t understand)

steve: So were the soldiers goin’ around, just going (chicken noises)

ricky: Pilkington!

karl: No. He ended up being a mechanic and he got kicked out for going for a packet of fags in a tank.

ricky: Ricky laughs

ricky: Oh God!

steve: What?!

ricky: Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you mean he nipped down the shops in a tank.

karl: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: I don’t believe that, Karl. You’ve made that up.

karl: Honest to God. That, and he went off with the sergeant’s wife. So that didn’t help. He ended up getting kicked out.

steve: Sorry – your brother’s a genius.

ricky: I love this. I love this. First of all, um, he gets a call from his mum going, Let him off. Oh God. Then he goes, Uh, uh, where’s – where’s Pilkington? His mum’s on the phone. Where is he. Um, he’s near your house, sergeant. Near my house? Well why - No, no reason. Well, when he comes back, when he’s finished, tell him his mum called. And can he get me a packet of fags. Tell him to walk, this time. This is ludicrous.

steve: Wow! This is - so the sergeant found out, that he was, sleeping with his wife.

karl: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t know, I mean, I was quite young.

steve: Did your mum phone up, and say, Let him off.

ricky: Ricky laughs

steve: Don’t court martial him.

ricky: - this time. Can he, yeah, yeah. That’s fantastic.

karl: He misses it. I mean, I haven’t seen him for about 11 years. But, ever since he came out, he’s just gettin’ into trouble and that. In the army, you know people slag it off but I think, if you’re a certain type of person it’s good for you.

steve: It didn’t straighten him out! Look at him! He was goin’ down the shops in a tank, he was shaggin’ someone behind their back!

karl: No, it’s it’s really weird, it’s like back then he was like a proper adult, and he had a house, and he collected crystal with his wife and that.

karl: And now, he ‘asn’t got any of that.

steve: Has he got the wife?

karl: No.

steve: Has he got the crystal?

karl: Don’t think he has.

ricky: And he hasn’t got the house.

karl: I seriously haven’t seen him for about 11 or 12 years.

ricky: It always st- Karl’s stories always start off nice and funny, and then they just leave me empty and slightly depressed.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: I don’t know whether to hug him, or shoot him,

steve: Steve laughs

ricky: Put him out of his misery. Can we take care to the – phone in if you think I should take Karl to the vet’s, and have him put down. ‘Cause it’s just too stressful!

ricky: Hives. Main Offender. Xfm 104.9. Well, it’s that time in the show where, I test Karl. On his uh,

steve: Homework.

ricky: Yeah. For the week. History. The re-education of Karl Pilkington. As you know, we found out last week, uh, he’d taken 1 GCSE. And he got an E. And it was History.

karl: D’ya know, Steve, I haven’t told you this. Went shopping on Sunday, buy some new jeans. Was in a shop, Saw an old lad who I haven’t seen for about 2 ½ years. Went, You alright, mate? How’re you doing? First thing he said, Sorry to hear about your exam results.

steve: God! Had he listened to the show, or someone else just told him?

karl: Yep, yep, he was on a train listening on the way to a football match or something.

steve: He knew that you were on the show,

karl: Yeah. First thing he said. So sorry about your exam results.

steve: Wow.

ricky: Haven’t people been comin’ up to you in the station, going, Do you want to talk about it?

steve: God!

karl: I know!

ricky: Well you did take it pretty badly. For a 29 year old man.

karl: Just a bit of a shock, because it annoyed me that,

ricky: It wasn’t a shock! You knew you hadn’t gotten any!

karl: No. I thought I would’ve gotten a bit more than that. I wasn’t expecting, you know,

ricky: But you didn’t even think you took History, so that must’ve been a bonus!

karl: Yeah, that’s what me girlfriend said. She said, Well, yeah,

steve: But didn’t she say something quite philosophical, like You didn’t even have an E this morning.

karl: Yeah. She said, Yesterday, you know, you didn’t have anything,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Exactly.

karl: Which was good. But anyway,

ricky: Ok. Well, anyway, you were tested on Che Guevara. All right. Karl.

steve: Hang on a minute – we should just remind people of what happened, because last week, you gave him –

ricky: This is a little series – I’ve got lots of these little books, they’re about 2 ½ inches long, by about, you know, 2 inches long, those tiny little things you see in the, sort of in the front counter of Waterstones or Smiths. And it’s the life and times, a series, of all the greats. All the greats of history. Uh, last week you read about Rasputin, wasn’t impressed.

karl: No.

ricky: Uh, this week –

karl: This book’s a little bit thicker than the Rasputin one.

ricky: No, they’re the same I think. Was it?

karl: Bit bigger.

ricky: Maybe the writing’s,

karl: Bigger writing or something.

ricky: Um, but Ok – Che Guevara. Who was Che Guevara. Now, just – just – you learned to pronounce it. Right? And how did you remember. You told me in the week how you learned to remember what his name was.

karl: Che – it’s like shake. And his surname is like guitar. Chevar.

steve: Right. Ok.

karl: Um, but anyway, right. Um,

ricky: Tell us what you know, and (mumbles)

karl: Right. First of all, um, his, his name, isn’t really Che,

steve: Right.

karl: It was somethin’ else, and Che means ‘buddy’.

steve: Ok.

karl: In, wherever he’s – in uh, Argentinia. Right? That’s right, innit?

ricky and steve: Yup.

karl: All right, so anyway, he was born, and he was uh,

ricky: By the way, Karl’s not readin’ this from a book now – this is all out of his own head!

steve: This is not pre-planned notes.

ricky: No, this is, this is, I mean, I know it sounds written, but, (snaps) he’s just riffin’ on this.

steve: Yup.

karl: All right, here we go – here we go.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Uh, he was born. He had bad asthma as a kid,

steve: Right.

karl: Which I thought was quite interestin’, because they didn’t have cars and that back then, and that’s what they’re blamin’ asthma on these days. The bad, the bad buildup of traffic and that.

steve: Well they did have cars, Karl.

karl: Not as many as they have now.

steve: Ok.

karl: So that was something I picked up, early,

steve: Yep.

karl: In the story.

steve: He had asthma, yep.

karl: His dad – his dad was into pol- he wasn’t a politician or anything, but he was, you know, they were into the politics,

steve: Sure.

karl: So he sorta grew up ‘round a family who was into watchin’ the news and that, keepin’ up with what’s goin’ on,

steve: In the world.

karl: Keepin’ up to date and that. So that sort of rubbed off on him. He went to school, he was doin’ stuff on medicine,

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Yeah, he wanted to be, a doctor, or he thought he did,

steve: Yup.

karl: Anyway, he learned really quick. He did like, uh, 6 months work in about 3 months. So he could have some time off school or something.

steve: Right.

karl: So he took that time off,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And went to travel, South America with his mate.

steve: Ok.

karl: On a motorbike.

ricky and steve: Yep.

karl: And he uh, he saw all this bad goin’ on in the world, and he thought, Aw. This is bad this.

steve: Yeah.

karl: You know, I should do something here. I should change this. Make it a nicer place to live. So he um, he said, What I’m gonna do is uh, join a gang, that is against the uh, like the government.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Right.

karl: Am I right so far?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You’re doing very well.

karl: And the woman who he met was like, running this gang, was a woman called ‘ilda. Who he later married.

ricky: All right.

karl: And ‘ilda, introduced him to Castro,

ricky: Right.

karl: Who was like the head cheese of the gang who wanted to change things. and um, so uh, she said like This is, this is uh, I think his real name was En- Englebert or something like that.

ricky: Ernesto.

karl: What?

ricky: Ernesto.

karl: Ernesto. She said, This is Ernesto. He does medicine, we should have him in our, in our sort of army,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So when there’s injuries and that, he can make people better. He said, All right then. So he joined the gang, and they went like uh, went, went to sort of – I’m choppin’ it down a bit.

steve: Nonono –

ricky: Oh, sure, sure, you’re condensin’ it,

karl: It’s not in real time.

ricky: No.

ricky: Ricky laughs

karl: So uh, so anyway,

steve: It feels like it!

ricky: Ricky laughs

karl: See, this is why I just wanted to, you to ask me questions.

steve: Well listen – let me, let’s just cut to the chase then.

ricky: Ok.

steve: Obviously he made his name as part of the Cuban revolution.

ricky and karl: Yeah.

steve: Uh, do you know what date that was?

karl: Uh, about uh – no, I don’t.

steve: Ok. So, obviously, he became, he was – big involvement with that. Um,

ricky: Wh- which country was he caught.

karl: He was caught in, Bolivia.

ricky: Yeah. And how did he die.

karl: They executed him. They shot him. And, his last words, before he died, right, he’s got the guys there with the guns, and he wasn’t scared, he wasn’t like cryin’ or anythin’, he said to the bloke with the gun, he said, Go on. Shoot me. Uh, Be a man. He said.

ricky and steve: Yeah.

karl: And they shot him.

steve: And did it tell you what happened to him after that? His dead body?

karl: No, but, Suzanne was tellin’ me about this, the other night. She said there’s more to it than that. They stuck it in a, in a glass coffin,

steve: No, but before that they cut off his hands –

ricky: Oh, yeah, and his –

ricky and steve: Feet.

ricky: And sent ‘em to, to the,

steve: Nonono, and they buried them different places, and they buried the body, I think they might’ve sent the hands to Che- to Fidel. But they buried him in an unmarked grave. ‘Cause they didn’t want anyone to start using his grave or his tomb as a place of

ricky: Martyrdom.

steve: Martyrdom. But of course, that just made him even more of a martyr, because no one knew where he was buried! So that just means,

karl: Yeah, but that wouldn’t work anyway, ‘cause if they did find out, that’s more places people can go and sort of grieve.

ricky: Genius!

karl: D’y’know’I mean? If you’ve got all these different graves,

steve: What, with different parts of his body.

karl: Well, you’ve got a foot over there, and it’s like, Oh, God, you know, Thanks for what you did,

steve: A head over there,

ricky: Ricky laughs

ricky: He’s a genius!

steve: Yeah! So,

ricky: So, all in all,

steve: So essentially, what’s your summary of Che?

ricky: Yeah. You like him more than Rasputin, don’t ya.

karl: Lot better bloke than Rasputin, I can understand why he gets one of those little books. Um, well worth knowin’ about, and um, good bloke. Did a lot. You know,

steve: Crammed a lot into his short life.

karl: Yeah. But uh, yeah. Interesting bloke.

ricky: Just on the subject of uh, Che Guevara, um, Steve called me up in the week ‘cause he was goin’ through the duty log, we love the complaints, of the BBC duty log. And, someone had written in because one of the Blue Peter presenters was wearin’ a Che Guevara t-shirt, and what did the bloke say?

steve: Yeah, this is a series of, people can phone in and write and, complain to the BBC about different things.

karl: Why would you complain about wearin’ someone’s head on it?

steve: No, this is the thing – you can phone in about them, but the best one, there’s been some amazing complaints on there,

ricky: Oh, there are some great ones!

steve: My favourite – my favourite one that wasn’t a complaint but was actually just someone that had to phone in was, What an excellent edition of Kilroy this morning, which I thought was,

ricky: Yeah! But it’s like that! It’s things like, Esther was superb. Woman. Call, 1.

steve: Yeah. Woman called. There was a brilliant one I remember once that was, un, Robbie Williams was wearing a Nike t-shirt on Top of the Pops last night. Product placement on the BBC? So pathetic.

ricky: It’s just all things like that. Yeah.

steve: But anyway, there was this one phone call, there was a presenter on Blue Peter, she was wearin’ a t-shirt with Che Guevara’s face on it,

karl: Right,

steve: And um, someone had written in and said, uh, or someone had phoned in and said, Very worried to see a presenter wearin’ Che Guevara’s face on a t-shirt. Are you trying to turn my children into Communist revolutionaries?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Imagine that! Imagine who’s thinkin’ that. Who’s bothering to phone up with that information, Karl.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Who knows what they’re gonna say about this show!

ricky: Ricky laughs

ricky: Yeah!

steve: I mean, you’ve been championing the work of Communist revolutionary Che Guevara!

ricky: Luckily, no one who listens to this show can either write or operate a phone.

ricky: So I think we’re pretty safe. So, so thumbs up Che Guevara,

karl: Yep.

ricky: Well done to Karl, there.

steve: Yeah, no, I thought he was brilliant.

karl: I did all right, didn’t I.

steve: But the thing is, Karl, you keep saying to us you don’t understand why history’s interesting, and yet you clearly interested in that, you remembered that information,

ricky: Karl, do you – I’ve got another, I’ve got a few in the series, can I give you your next week’s homework?

karl: Go on.

ricky: There you go.

karl: Aw.

ricky: Read it out.

karl: 'itler.

steve: Hitler. The Life and Times of Hitler.

karl: 1889-1945.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Do you know much about him?

ricky: What – what’s the significance of that last date, what did he – what was that last date, why do you think he died in 1945.

karl: End of the war.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Which I’m interested in. So this,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: This will have stuff about Anderson shelters and that.

ricky: Ricky laughs

ricky: It might – it might not be covered in the Hitler, um, biography, the Anderson shelter, but, I mean,

steve: Just check if there’s a special Anderson, uh, chapter,

ricky: Ricky laughs

steve: Anderson shelter chapter.

karl: Well, I look forward to this. This should be, be interesting.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Pound an egg. Is page 4.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Excellent. Well, we’re gonna play a hip-hop.

steve: Yeah. Yeah, it’s time for Hip Hop Hooray. People are absolutely in love with this feature, Rick, as you well know, and I know you’re somewhat jealous of it,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Uh, this week, I know that OutKast are currently on the playlist with their new single Whole of the World, is that –

karl: Yep.

steve: Whole World? Well this is a compilation, OutKast, uh, it’s just a sort of compilation of all their greatest hits, and this is a good one. It’s called Rosa Parks. Play it, Karl.

steve: From their Greatest Hits album, uh, that's Outkast and a track called Rosa Parks

ricky: Like it. Like it.

steve: Yeah, enjoyable.

ricky: Yeah. Now, we just had a call, uh, from someone... uh, impressed by Karl. And, Karl's very pleased 'cause this guy has actually done a PHD on Che Guevara. So in theory, whatever subject he chose... In theory, he's probably one of the experts in the world on this particular field. Now, hello, you there?

david (on the phone): Yep, I'm here.

ricky: Hello, what's your name?

david: My name's David.

ricky: David, now where did you do your PHD?

david: Did it at UCL.

ricky: Did it at UCL, my old, my old college. And what was the actual title of the PHD?

david: It was "Che Guevara's influence on class struggle in, uh, Europe in the sixties".

ricky: And what did you think of Karl's performance in his--?

david: I think he did really really well, the only thing I'd never heard those last words before.

ricky: So... so Karl... actually knows something you don't know.

david: Yep. Possibly.

ricky: Although you presumably... not take that as verified information. You'd probably not take everything Karl said... uh, as gospel, you'd probably look it up yourself, would'ya?

david: I probably would have a look, yeah.

karl: Did you know about babies eyes?

david: Sorry?

karl: Did you know that babies eyes don't grow?

david: I didn't know that.

ricky: You see, that's why you shouldn't take--

david: Yeah.

ricky: --things Karl says as--as, uh, gospel. 'Cause, he'll come out with something, y'kno--you know... vaguely... uh... intelligent and then say, "Did you know about babies eyes don't grow?" Um...

steve: Any questions you want to test Karl on? Any, uh, thoughts; anything he missed there on the history of Che Guevara?

david: I think he did really well, and... uh... I think--I think he should be congratulated.

karl: Cheers, Dave.

steve: What's the--Now, 'cause Karl has problems understanding why people are interested in history and even though he's been reading these books, he's been saying, "Why does anyone care about history, why is it important?" What would you say to, uh, Karl?

david: I think he should maybe then look at who Che Guevara did influence, and why he still influences people today.

ricky and karl: Yeah.

ricky: Well, he knows that he influenced, um... Citizen Smith. Uh, and he knows that if McDonald's ever wanted to swap... uh, Ronald McDonald for Che Guevara it would cost them an awful lot of money. So he is trying to apply it to the modern world. He is having a go.

david: Well, maybe he should think, like, why Rage Against the Machine has him on their t-shirts.

ricky: Good point. Karl, why do you think of that, why do you think they have him on their t-shirts, Karl?

karl: I thou--I dunno, maybe thats... that was the design of the t-shir--maybe they wanted another t-shirt--

steve: Maybe they wanted Ronald McDonald.

karl: --and they didn't have any in--

steve: Sure.

karl: --so they said, "Oh, well we'll have that one there then."

ricky: Well thanks very much for um, Dave--ju--just before you go, do you think Karl would be an interesting subject for a PHD?

david: Yeah, very much so, yeah.

ricky: Okay, well, um, if you know, you um...

steve: Well hopefully one day you'll become a professor and you can maybe set that as some, uh... coursework.

david: I could do, yeah.

ricky: Karl Pilkington. Imagine that.

karl: Cheers, Dave.

ricky: Imagine having an MA in Karl Pilkington. Thanks very much, Dave.

david: Okay, bye.

ricky: Cheers, bye.

karl: That's good. My teachers never did that.

steve: What? Encouraged you, in that way?

karl: Never said, "Well done."

ricky: Really?

karl: Yeah.

steve: But you never showed up.

ricky: Yeah... they--you--you have to be in the same room, really.

karl: No, but they always--

steve: They were too busy saying, "Who are you?"

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: No, but Mrs. Mathews, me head teacher.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Aw, let's not lay into Mathews again. She's always getting it--

ricky: Not Matty Mathews--

karl: She said I'd never--

ricky: --not Grimble Matty Mathews, we used to call her.

karl: --I'd never be a high flyer.

ricky: Di--di... If she could see you now. What'd she say? "You'll never be a high flyer"?

karl: She said that to me mam and dad.

ricky: Really?

karl: On a parents evening.

ricky: What'd you--

karl: And that was after I played the drums in Little Donkey.

steve: She clearly didn't know what she was talking about.

ricky: R.E.M. with Orange Crush on Xfm 104.9. Well, nearly through, only twenty minutes to go. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve and Karl. Karl, what'd you point--why'd you point to me then?

karl: Just then, reminded me.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Orange crush, you know how we were talking the other night about... contraceptives?

ricky: Ah... no, you said to me, uh... "I've got to do lots of homework, you look up how they used... in the olden days, how they used to use elephant dung as a contraceptive."

ricky: And I went, "What?" and he went, "No, look it up, you make me you give me loads of things--"; I said, "I don't know, was it they put... when you're running 'round with dung on the end of your knob, no woman really wants to go near you, is that how it worked?" And he went, "Come on, you give me things to do."

steve: If you've just written a PhD on how to use elephant dung as a contraceptive please get in touch.

karl: I've found out--

steve: Karl will give the number in a minute.

karl: I've found out it's not elephant it's crocodile.

steve: Oh right, yeah.

ricky: Why?

karl: But ehm... yeah orange crush.

ricky: Sorry, no you can't... no whoa whoa whoa whoa...

karl: What?

ricky: Back. Eowww... what do you mean, it was crocodile dung? How did they use crocodile dung as a contraceptive?

karl: I dunno.

ricky: Right, go on so orange crush, yeah?

karl: Right, so orange crush, um... what it was, I was trying to look up that... that thing about, um, crocodile... stuff.

ricky: Mmm.

karl: Using it, and um... came up with another one saying that they used to use... a lemon, sort of shaped right and the, um... put it, put it on. And the citric, the um--

ricky: Citric acid?

karl: The citric acid in it--

ricky: Would kill the sperm?

karl: Would kill the sperm.

ricky: Right...

steve: So they would, sorry... they would wear the lemon on the end of the knob... whilst...

ricky: Was that erotic?

karl: ...it works.

steve: Listen, I'll try anything, Karl, mate.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If it works...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If the ladies like that. I mean does it have to be a lemon? Could it be anything? Y'know, could it be like a melon?

ricky: Kumquat?

steve: Yeah, maybe. In my case.

ricky: What's those hairy ones?

steve: Yeah...

karl: Anyway, it just reminded me when, orange crush.

ricky: Well, thanks very much for that, Karl. It's uh... that, and I didn't even ask him to--

steve: No, no no no.

ricky: --research that, he just--

steve: So orange crush reminded you of the lemon contraceptive?

karl: Mmm.

steve: Okay. Jolly good, jolly good.

ricky: You could use it as a little lemon squeezer, couldn't you? It could be like a novelty lemon squeezer, you just stand in the kitchen... and then when someone wants theirs you just come along--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: --and go wraa-wraa-wraa on the end of your... yeah.

steve: "Did you make this, uh, lemonade yourself? Or--?"

ricky: "Uh, I did"; "Tastes funny."

ricky: "Tastes funny..." Ah... Okay, yeah.

steve: And, do you, would you... Karl, this is a quick question to you, would you ever... sort of find yourself in a situation where you might confuse a woman's breasts with... mountains?

steve: Is that a concern for you, do you think?

karl: ...No.

steve: Not a problem for you?

ricky: Well not if they're--not if they're small and humble, I wouldn't.

steve: That's what I'm hoping, that's what I'm--fingers crossed.

ricky: If they were small and humble, then I'd--I'd pretty much not confuse them with mountains.

steve: Thank God, but if they were large and... sort of pendulous...?

ricky: And quite rocky with snow on top...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Then I'd go, "Hold on love..."

steve: "Wait a minute."

ricky: "Hold on love, I was into this... but now"--

steve: Exactly.

ricky: --"I feel like I'm alone."

steve: Karl, do you know what we're talking about?

karl: Who... who has? Who has done that?

steve: Has done what?

ricky: I'll give you a clue... (singing) "Aday-duh-day-duh-day... aday-duh-day-duh-day... One more time... See my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them... with mountains." Shakira.

ricky: It's a lyric that me and Steve are obsessed with.

steve: It's taking the nation by storm.

ricky: It's quite a nice song... it's got a lotta--

steve: It's got a sort of Men at Work, "Down Under"

ricky: Yeah, it's got the pan-pipe.

karl: Is this... uh, what's-it's kid?

steve: Who?

karl: Um... Julio Englesias?

steve: No, it's Shakira. Consequently the word Shakira, there, being mentioned.

karl: I haven't heard of 'em.

steve: Okay. She's a big Latin star, apparently. A big Latin-American star.

karl: Uuh...

steve: And uh, anyway, just sing it again for us.

ricky: "See how my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them... with mountains."

ricky: Which is a concern. It was always a concern.

steve: Definitely.

ricky: She... uh, the number of times she's woken up and there's been a fat bloke with a beard and a little, a little sherpa... she goes, "What are you doing?" And they go, "We're just..."--

karl: Uuh...

ricky: --"trying to climb this moun--"; "Look again."; "Oh, sorry love, it's your"--

steve: "Oh, it's your tits, I didn't realize."

ricky: "Oh, your tits, we thought we were"--

steve: "I can't believe it."

ricky: "Well, can we camp here?"; "You can't camp on my tits for the night, no!"

steve: "Well, why are you climbing them?"

ricky: "Well, I... just got confused."

steve: "Cos they were there."

ricky: "Well, they're small and humble... were you mental?

ricky: Karl... I love that look of Karl. Karl is looking back and forth, you know when you sort of, uh, you go "pfhi-pfhi" to a cat and it looks back and forth between two people, that's very much like Karl was looking at us now.

steve: Or when like a child sees a midget or something.

steve: They're just transfixed, aren't they? And the parents say, "Don't stare."

ricky: Oh, we were pushing our, Ash, yesterday, our producer, Ash is, uh, in a wheelchair... and we were pushing him through the BBC--

steve: He's not a midget, we should make that clear.

ricky: No, he's not a little midget... he's not tall, but um, we were pushing him through the BBC and this little kid just came up and just stood infront of him and looked at him.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I just laughed.

steve: It was funny. Do you do that? I imagine you get caught staring at people, Karl.

ricky: Yeah, do you go up to people, do you go up to people with problems and go, "Mummy, is that a monster?"

karl: Well, I was telling you, wasn't I, about when I used to go with me dad in the taxi?

ricky: Ooh... yeah, tell us this story.

steve: Wait, what happened?

karl: Well, um...

steve: Your father was taxi driver?

karl: Me dad used to, he had loads of jobs.

steve: Mmm.

karl: Which they did back then, and they don't do that anymore, do they, people? They don't... they sort of don't--

steve: Do a variety of jobs? Sure.

karl: But um, it one, a--at one point... he had a black cab and I used to uh, I used to go with him. Used to get him like a beer crate and put it in the front of the black cab--

ricky: Ooooo... comfortable.

steve: Yeah.

karl: --and sort of sit just next to the meter. And um, anyway, we got this call and uh... like the guy on the end of the radio said, "Oh, you've, uh, you've got your son with ya, haven't ya?" So he said, "Yeah."; "So, it's just that, you know, we've got a pickup at, uh, number 11 Village Lane" or whatever. And he said, "Oh, right." And it was this woman, it was like a woman version of The Elephant Man.

steve: ...Wow... "The Elephant Woman"?

karl: Yeah, it looked--

karl: It looked, it looked like--it was really strange cos I was in the front of the cab and, um, when you're a kid... if something looks odd you're a bit scared of it, aren't ya?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And me dad was like, "Look, it'll be alright." And we're driving towards her...

ricky: "Don't worry son, I've got loads of buns and I'll just throw one down the street if--she'll run after it."

karl: See, you're being mean, right?

ricky: I am a little bit, yeah.

steve: How old were you, eighteen?

karl: No... I was about... twelve or something like that.

steve: Sure.

karl: Eleven, twelve. And as we got closer to it, it looked like... she, she was holding... like a bag of spuds... on her shoulder.

ricky: For a snack?

steve: Right.

karl: And 'er head was all a bit mangled and messy an' that. And, uh, me dad says, me dad says, "Whatever you do, don't stare at her face."

steve: Yeah.

karl: And she got in the back--

steve: 'Cause you turn into stone?

karl: She got in the back and I had like, I had the mirror, the driver's mirror thing--

steve: Yeah.

karl: --and I'm sort of 'avin a look, and I'm really... I mean he said, "Don't stare at her face"... I couldn't work out where her face was.

karl: It was that, it was that weird.

ricky: Oh, God.

steve: I'm not sure you're from... Manchester. I think you're from Narnia or something.

steve: Or...

ricky: Yeah, you got frog-boys walking round--

steve: Yeah, the Lord of the Rings.

ricky: That got like, the claws of a lobster... and the head of a toad.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And you got women getting in with spuds for heads, I mean, what, what, what sort of--

steve: This is not the place you grew up--

ricky: What is this place?

steve: This is madness.

ricky: You can't believe it in London, can you, you go "Look, symmetry!" It must be amazing.

karl: It must be, uh, a thing to do with upbringing though, musn't it? Cos you know how I've said to you before, years ago when I was a kid and didn't have any worries, good looking lad.

steve: Mmm.

karl: You go through it a bit... have a few more worries... and you look knackered. Now, back there there's a lot more worries and stuff, so you get a lot more freaks... where as in London everyone's like happy, aren't they--?

ricky: I love the fact that stress can cause your fingers to fuse and your head to grow.

steve: Yeah...

karl: No, but if you like--

steve: She must have been really stressed... to have a head like that.

ricky: Yeah. What was she, like an accountant or something?

steve: Wow.

karl: You know what I mean.

ricky: But what did she do, what did she say--?

steve: Where was she going, by the way?

karl: She couldn't speak?

ricky: "London Zoo, please."

karl: She was, she was--

karl: She was going, like to the pet shop.

steve: To the fair?

karl: Seriously, honest to God. On me mum's life, she was. Because at the end of the day, that's the good thing with animals, they don't judge you, do they?

steve: She's not an animal!

ricky: She wasn't an animal, she's a human being.

karl: No, but--

steve: She's not actually an elephant! You know The Elephant Man was not actually an elephant? You understand that? He's got no elephant genes in him at all.

ricky: No.

steve: That was just a cruel name people gave him.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No, it's the name of the disease, innit, elephantitus?

ricky: That's--look. So listen, so this woman, why was she going to a pet shop?

steve: She was going to a pet shop? What to find a husband?

ricky: Is this--

ricky: Is this--

karl: Alright, play a song.

ricky: Is this true?

karl: No, it is true, yeah.

ricky: Oh, God.

karl: But I'm not taking the mickey cos it must be really bad for ya--

ricky: Of course it is--

steve: But Karl, Karl, Karl I need to ask--

karl: I'm going on to you today about cutting meself shaving.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I was going on about that, to think that she, I mean she's probably not alive now, but to think...

ricky: D-what you're saying, you're gonna say that this is a worse problem then a little cut shaving, aren't you?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: D'you know what I mean?

ricky: I think you're right.

steve: Karl, there's just, there's a couple of key questions I need to ask. One, if she couldn't talk--

karl: Yeah.

steve: --how did she tell your father where to drive her? Did she have it written on a note?

karl: I think she had someone help her.

ricky: Did she point with her nose?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, this has got silly. Pick your song.

steve: And also, finally, where did you say she lived again?

karl: It was like in a village. A little, small village.

steve: Right.

ricky: Um...

karl: Just... out of the way

steve: All I'm saying is maybe we could get like some sort of coach... book some coaches, get a coach party up there to have a look at her.

ricky: And, uh--

steve: Take some photos.

ricky: "And now..."--

steve: You could make some lemonade.

ricky: --"the offspring of a woman and some spuds."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Please enter at your peril. She'll give you a shiny shilling." Aww... that's terrible. Well I'm gonna play, um, a little bit of Teenage Fan Club, Song for, uh the Lovers here. We left it very late which was, we've been just, uh, you know, rappin' with, uh... Karl.. P.. here and this is "I Need Direction."

ricky: Teenage Fan Club... aw, they're a good band, aren't they?

steve: They are a good band

ricky: Xfm 104.9. Um, so, well we're--we're nearly there. So, well your girlfriend be proud of you now, how you performed? A phD graduate there.

karl: It's a bit annoying 'cause she's not in London today. She's in... Sunderland or something, or Newcastle--

ricky: Right.

karl: --working.

ricky: So she won't know what th... your greatest triumph. She saw last weeks and you got an E in History, and now this weak y--you come through.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: With some great praise, that M--Mrs. Mathews never, you know, laid upon you.

karl: Even looked at, I know.

ricky: Nope, just said, "You won't be a high flyer."

ricky: Eh? You've shown 'em, haven't ya?

karl: You never know. I mean, I had mates who, em--

karl: --like, you know, me mate Collin Makin, who--

ricky: Sure.

karl: --did the disco with me.

ricky: Pilkie's Makin Music, yeah.

karl: Pilkie's Makin Music. He was dead brainy; I don't think he's up to much these days.

steve: Sure.

karl: Jst... you can't plan it.

steve: Just, yeah.

ricky: Just goes to know

steve: Well, I mean, you can do--there's a certain amount of planning you can do, I mean, driving a tank down to the shop for some fags... never gonna mean you're a high flyer.

ricky: Yeah, and th-that, that woman who you picked up in your black cab, she's in the circus now and...--

steve: Yeah, happy

ricky: --she can fly... which is good. Am I confusing that with a film? You went to see a film, this week, didn't ya?

karl: Mhm

ricky: What'd ya see?

karl: Um, the, em... Monsters Inc.

steve: Oh, yeah.

ricky: Didn't you have a little argument? What was the argument about? Did you have an argument with your girlfriend or summat? 'Cause abou--

karl: Well, the history thing... took over last weekend, to be honest. When you... found out me results

karl: That was, like, the talking topic of most of the weekend, and--

ricky: Why, what did she say?

karl: You know, "You brought it on yourself." You know, "Why didn't you take it serious?" you know

steve: Was she annoyed or upset?

karl: Well, she just sorta said, "You can learn, look, you learnt Rasputin"--

steve: Mmm.

karl: --"if only you'd have done that at school."

ricky: You've done that. You've done Rasputin.

karl: D'you know what I mean, she said, "You can do it, i--if you're told to." She said, you know, "It's only 'cause Ricky told you to read the book that you're reading it."

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Does she think we're sort of like taskmasters?

steve: Does she think we bully you?

karl: She... euaah, nah... she knows it's just a laugh.

steve: Yeah. What did you, did you tell your parents about your--

karl: Nope.

steve: No. Never?

karl: Because they never even... questioned where me results were, so I don't want to tell them that, you know, I didn't get any.

steve: No. What, how did they do at school?

karl: Didn't have 'em back then, did they?

steve: Right. When was that, Karl?

steve and ricky: The Middle Ages?

karl: I dunno. Like I say, back then it wasn't about getting results an' that, was it? It was just about... learning trades.

steve: Mmm.

karl: I mean me dad, right, he can like, put windows in his house.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Do plumbing...

ricky: He should, it's dark, innit? He should have done that first of all. Right, so--

steve: So he can do what? He's got a multitude of... different jobs?

karl: Yeah, he can do all sorts, d'you know what I mean. If there's a problem in me flat, I can call him up and say, you know, "This isn't working, what should I do?"

steve: Mmm.

karl: And he'll say, like--

ricky: Is [inaudible] brain surgeon...

steve: Yeah.

karl: He'll say, "Oh... fix it."

steve: Sure. Uh, so what about Monsters Inc.--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: --what did you make of it?

karl: Ehm... it's alright... i-it is a kid's film... it--it's sort of annoying--

ricky: Is it?

steve: Okay.

steve: What gave that away, do you think?

steve: Was it the songs, was it the animation?

ricky: Yeah, the fluffy little things that squiggled 'round on the screen for an hour and a half.

karl: It is annoying, 'cause like there's kids everywhere, and kids don't watch films, do they?

ricky: No.

karl: D'you know what I mean, they're messing--

ricky: I don't know why they make kid's films--

karl: And you can't--

ricky: --to be honest, it's mental.

karl: You can't concentrate properly--

steve: Mmm.

karl: --when you've got kids, you know--

steve: Screaming and shouting.

karl: --making noise around you, an' that. So I'd say, my little review: Wait until it comes out on DVD.

ricky: What a great review that would be. Wouldn't that be great? Film 2002.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Uh, Jonathan Ross going, "I don't want to give it away; wait 'till it comes out on DVD."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Ohh...

karl: No, but not giving it away, it's just that you can't watch it properly when there's kids screaming around you.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Sure.

steve: What you looking forward to this week? You gonna go and see anything?

karl: Just talking to Ricky now, 'cause me missus is away, I'll probably, uh... get out a DVD tonight. Rounders.

steve: Oh, right.

ricky: I thought you might like that. It's about gambling--

steve: And if you can get, but I mean if I can get you tickets, say in the stalls or in a box, for... the stage version of Midnight Express, would you be up for that?

ricky: It's on ice. It's--

steve: 'Cause I think this is the final year, isn't it?

ricky: It's lovely. It's Midnight Express on ice.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And it's a musical as well.

steve: They're on rollerskates.

ricky: "Do you have any dope under your jacket?"; "No."

steve: Yeah. It's well worth--

ricky: And da-it-it-it's great.

steve: --hunting out.

ricky: John Hurt is actually in this version as well--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: --which is fantastic.

steve: It is brilliant.

ricky: He played the Elephant Man. So, it all comes, the universe all comes together.

steve: Have you ever seen the stage version of The Elephant Man?

karl: No.

steve: You'd love that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Who's in that? I have seen a clip of it. Who plays him?

ricky: Uh... I thi--

steve: I think they got a real guy with actual--with elephantitis.

karl: Right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: What are you finishing on?

steve: Uh, let's have a final song for... the ladies. It's from the album "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me" by The Cure and it's the beautiful Catch. See you next week.

ricky: Goodbye. See you next week everybody. Bye bye.

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