XFM Vault - S01E16 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: White Stripes, 'Fell In Love With A Girl', on Xfm 104.9, well it's five past one of a Saturday.

steve: That's true enough.

ricky: So, it's The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Steve Merchant.

steve: Hi!

ricky: Hi ya. Now listen...

steve: Karl there...say his name!

ricky: Karl.

steve: Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Okay, it's just getting a little bit annoying, cos they're writing it up now in Heat, and saying...

steve: I know, saying...

ricky: It's sort of like, it's The Karl Pilkington Show with Ricky and Steve, so... let's, you know...

steve: Has he won multiple awards?

ricky: Yeah, no.

steve: I expect not.

ricky: Exactly, no.

steve: Is he one of the hottest comedy faces on TV, I don't think so.

ricky: I don't think so. No... no... does he eat too much cheese...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: ...and get a bit sick.

steve: Is he a bloated old fat forty year old.

ricky: Alright steady on.

steve: With a stupid fat face.

ricky: You goggle-eyed freak...

steve: Alright, there's no need for that.

ricky: You wurzel- oh you'll be happy.

steve: Go on.

ricky: The Wurzels have made a bit of a comeback, there's...

steve: Oh don't give me this...

ricky: No, listen, right, there's a Sainsbury's advert, and they sing a song, it's The Wuzels singing a song about something, phone in, what's the number Karl?

karl: 08700 800 1234.

ricky: Phone in, if you know what I'm talking about.

ricky: Just in general! (Laughing) That's a new competition...!

steve: Can we just repeat that number, every 30 seconds.

steve: And people can just explain what the last link would have been.

ricky: Phone in, if you know what we're talking about.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Phone in if you care what we're talking about.

ricky: Phone in, well...

steve: What's The Wurzel story, what's the deal?

ricky: No I, no I just thought of you cos they sound like...

steve: Thanks.

ricky: ...and it's a song, a modern song I think they've done, and I can't remember what the song is, but maybe...

steve: See... what you mean it's them doing a modern hit...

ricky: It's an advert, just an advert. I think it's The Wurzels. I thought of something as well, you know they go, (singing) “I drove my tractor passed your haystack last night, hm-hm-hm-hm.”

steve: I'm not that familiar, surprisingly.

ricky: What sort of person lives in a haystack?

ricky: Maybe they don't live in it, maybe they were just saying you that's 'your haystack'...

steve: Well, yes, they're probably a farm owner.

steve: The problem with The Wurzels is, is like, you know, if you come from the West Country, you're just constantly cursed by this, “Oh you must love the Wurzels; do you like the Wurzels? Ooh argh!” and it's like, no-one...

ricky: Then why do you, why do you do your hair and your sideburns like 'em, if you don't like 'em.

steve: Well, you know, smocks are very comfortable Rick.

steve: But you know I don't wanna be kind of, you know, tarred, there's lots of famous things that have come from Bristol, obviously Tricky and Massive Attack, Portishead from the area Portishead.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: No-one seems to flag them up, every time they wanna slag off the West Country.

ricky: Do you still make your own clogs? Cos...

steve: Yes I do!

ricky: That's fantastic.

steve: Cheap.

ricky: You used to knit your trousers didn't you, when you, you, why was that, cos it was just like cheap material...

steve: Straw is cheap... down there.

ricky: We've got a great show lined up for ya.

steve: Have we?

ricky: Yeah...erm... I was bluffing, I don't know, I've got no idea.

steve: Rick, you know we sometimes worry about the record library here at Xfm, cos we tend to go in and try to find something, it'll be like an old Smiths' classic.

ricky: Oh, Karl's sighing, cos he gets stick Monday morning.

steve: But, it's very hard to find anything half-decent, I think most of it's been nicked by people like Sturgess, and otherwise it's just bad, I don't know who it is that's buying the CDs.

ricky: What was Four Non Blondes' big single?

steve: Exactly, erm... (singing) “oh, oh, oh”, something like that.

ricky: Brilliant... excellent.

ricky: “Tonight Matthew, I'm gonna be Four Non Blondes.”Ricky and Steve: (singing) “Oh, oh, oh.”

ricky: “Good effort, I don't think you'll be returning to the fish factory on Monday, will you Steve...”, 'no', yeah you will, you will. Go on.

steve: But they, anyway, so we go down there, Four Non Blondes, we found a lot of INXS, for the Xfm record library, guess what I found today Rick.

ricky: Go on.

steve: 'The Very Best of Tony Basil'.

ricky: Well, that's one track then.

steve: Well, yeah, her hit was 'Mickey' obviously “oh Mickey, you're so fine.” They've managed to pack out 18, there's 18 tracks, first track's 'Mickey', number of other tracks, track number seventeen - 'Mickey (Spanish version)

ricky: Right.

steve: Track 18, Mickey (12 inch version).

ricky: ...and Track 19, 'Dicky', similar tune but about a completely different person altogether...

steve: Look at this, they've stuck a proud 'property of Xfm' sticker on that, 'The Best of Tony Basil'.

ricky: Even Sturgess wouldn't nick that.

steve: Come on Karl, what's the story?

karl: It was good in its day weren't it?

steve: Why is it in the Xfm library?

karl: You were moaning last week about Adam and the Ants, in the day he was important weren't he, I remember that being out in the charts, it was alright.

steve: Yes, I know...

karl: Music's meant to be fun.

steve: Fine...

ricky: Let's play...

steve: ...let's play 'Mickey'.

ricky: Let's play some Strokes then.

steve: No, let's play 'Mickey' then, if you're so happy about this Karl, shall we play 'Mickey' later.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The Spanish version, what about that?

ricky: See, we've called your bluff.

steve: Alright?

karl: Alright, yeah...

steve: Phone in if you know what he just said.

ricky: Uh, that’s the Strokes, and uh, Last Night. Um, we just had a call, didn’t we. From uh, uh, Johnny Mango.

steve: Oh yeah, Johnny Mango, yeah.

ricky: Yeah – the old - The Mangster. Um, and he informed me that one of the Wurzels is dead, and I didn’t know that.

steve: Yeah, Adge Cutler, he was the lead man, I think.

ricky: Yeah. Who’s – he said he died the most rock ‘n roll death you can die, he said he was apparently drivin’ on a terrible cocktail of cider and other things presumably,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Apples, and jams. And uh, he crashed into a tractor! No – wh – is that true?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I hope, I hope JM’s not windin’ me up.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I hope the Mango boy’s not, havin’ a laugh at me. Is that true. One of the Wurzels died by tractor.

ricky: Did he – is that true. So, give us a call. What’s the number again, Karl?

karl: 08700 800 1234.

ricky: If so, I’m sorry. I disrepected ‘im. I didn’t, I didn’t know -

karl: Imagine, if, right, say if like you’re the driver of the tractor,

steve: Mm.

karl: And you kill someone and you go, Oh God, I killed someone. And you look and it’s someone famous.

steve: Yeah. Or Adge Cutler.

steve: Yeah, go on. What was your point?

karl: No, it’s just like,

steve: Terrifying!

karl: Not only, it’s like you’ve killed someone, then you look,

steve: Yeah, I know what you mean, actually, that’s terrifying!

ricky: What makes it even worse, what makes it even worse, they were rich!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Oh, that’d really be ..

karl: No, but say if it was someone like big in the world.

steve: No, that is a good, I quite like that, that is an interesting point, that.

ricky: Oh that’s your bag. No wonder I can’t find what I’m looking for.

steve: Oh right, well –

ricky: As Bono said!

steve: Did you bring a bag?

ricky: Yeah! Sorry, I –

steve: Is that it under there, Rick?

ricky: Sorry – sorry about this –

steve: Can we play a record, this is getting a bit sloppy.

ricky: No, it’s not – nonono –

steve: No, it IS, Rick it’s sloppy!

ricky: It’s never got sloppy before! No, I’ve got a list here, ‘cause we went to um, this awards ceremony in the week. Um, we were up for an award,

steve: Well let me –I have to explain it to Karl. Basically we were up for an award, and it’s the, it’s the TRIC Awards. Now TRIC stands for uh, “Television and Radio Industries” annual awards, right,

ricky: We’d never heard of it either.

steve: We’d never heard of it – it’s some kind of, like television/radio industry club.

ricky: Yeah, that’s the clue!

steve: So um, we don’t wanna – I’m not tryin’ to slag off people,

ricky: No!

steve: There was some big names and they really made an effort, and it was really nice, the food was brilliant, it was at the Grosvenor House Hotel, really nice do, and lots of industry people there, and it was really classy,

ricky: We got there nice and early, so, you know, we were there for a good 4 hours. It was fun.

steve: Before we had to sit down. And, but it was just kind of surreal, it was just a big weird, ‘cause it was packed with the cream, literally the cream, big names, you know, Martin Kemp, one of the first people I saw, you know. Came in, big TV/radio industry names, on-screen talent, behind-the-scenes people,

ricky: John Barnes,

steve: Barnes was there,

ricky: Beadle was there,

steve: Sir Cliff Richard was there,

ricky: Yeah,

steve: Right ? Anyway, so the voice comes on says, Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the chairman,

ricky: The president –

steve: The president of the, the TRIC Awards, and we had to stand up, all these people had to stand up, and give a standing ovation, as he walked to his table, to Tom O’Conner, former presenter of Crosswits.

karl: You are joking.

ricky: No.

steve: He’s the president.

ricky: And he came out and he told a few gags. Sorta like, it was like, straight away, it was, you know, old school stuff. I want to thank the ladies, ‘cause the, you know, it’s nothin’ without the ladies. All the lovely ladies here. And we’re waitin’ for a joke …. nope. Just thankin’, thankin’ the ladies.

steve: Well you’re forgettin’ that just prior to that, he uh, he said grace.

ricky: Oh, he said grace!

steve: Before we ate.

ricky: Right, it’s me, it was me, Steve, and Ash, our producer, you know the little, um, disabled fella, all right, and he’s, he’s there, in his wheelchair, and there’s me and Steve, we’re, we’re standin’ up, during grace,

karl: By the way, can I just stop you there.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Saw someone in the week, and, um,

steve: Sorry, did we bore you?

karl: No – you just reminded me, then about the little producer, who was in the wheelchair,

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: Last week you said, Blah blah blah, and our producer who’s in a wheelchair, got a text from someone sayin’ What’s happened to you? They thought you were talkin’ ‘bout me.

ricky: Oh, really!

steve: Oh!

ricky: Oh!

steve: You’re – you’re handicapped in a different way.

karl: So go on.

ricky: And uh, Tom O’Conner, he said, uh, Uh, Thank you, God, for,

steve: We thought this was a joke, initially, we thought it was going to be like a kind of cheeky gag,

ricky: That’s why we were laughing out loud.

steve: That’s why we were laughing raucously.

ricky: But anyway, then he went, Oh, thank you God for this, and, uh, and help those, who walk alone. And Ash went, What about those that don’t walk at all? He said, I’ve never been, I’ve never been left out of grace before!

steve: So we had to, I know we like bowed our heads slightly, and did we say Amen? I know we were sort of, a lot of people did,

ricky: I’m pretty sure,

steve: Cliff, probably, chimed in there,

ricky: Yeah. He sang it.

steve: And uh, exactly. So um,

ricky: Like Mariah Carey.

steve: So anyway, again, you see, what Ricky’s forgetten is, before Tom took to the stage, this guy walks up there, I don’t know who he is, says, There’s a lot of people here this afternoon, you know, it’s a wonderful event, but of course, there’s a load of celebrities as well.

ricky: He said, Thank you for all the celebrities that have turned up. And then he went, (picks up paper) Table 77, Mr Russ Abbott.

ricky: Round of applause. Can we have the spotlight there?

steve: Russ Abbott, by the way, smoking a pipe. He looked like um, a bit like, uh, Barrett Holmes. The hilarious Sherlock Holmes character.

ricky: Then he went, Table 107, the cast of Bad Girls. Clap.

steve: We all had to clap.

ricky: Then he went, Table 5, Alice Beer. Clap.

steve: Slightly smaller clapping.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. And it’s, it’s just like, and I thought, when is this gonna –

steve: He went through every single celebrity in the room.

ricky: And there were about, you know, 100.

steve: Table 53, John Inman, everyone! It’s John Inman! Round of applause.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Uh, Table 70, Mr Simon Cowell.

steve: Yeah, there was booing there.

ricky: And they all booed him!

steve: That was nice.

ricky: Yeah, it was a joke, ironic booing, I think.

karl: Did they cheer for Foxy. Was he on a table.

steve: We didn’t see Foxy.

ricky: Foxy wasn’t there. He was doin’ his show. When they went up, he won an award, Cowell and, uh, Waterman, and Chapman,

steve: Table 43, Peter Sissons, everyone. Peter Sissons. Went through every single name, Ricky got so paranoid they might mention him that we, we kind of legged it upstairs and were watching from the balcony as they shone the spot light on our table,

ricky: Empty chairs!

steve: And it was empty,

steve: That was particularly fun. But uh, then in the end, Sir Cliff got up there, right, ‘cause Sir Cliff was giving out the um, the lifetime achievement award. Right, he gets up and goes Dadada, this is a personal friend of mine, a 7-days-a-week friend. Lifetime achievement award goes to, Mrs Gloria Hunniford. Right, we immediately start thinking what exactly were her lifetime achievements.

ricky: I think living that long.

steve: That’s pretty much it. I don’t know what it is she’s done.

karl: I can tell you what she does

steve: I know she does, Radio 2 or everything like that,

ricky: We’re not dissing her, we’re not dissing anyone!

steve: No! Good luck to her.

ricky: We’re not taking the mick out of anyone,

steve: But anyway, she’s,

ricky: It was a strange, it was a strange event!

steve: But Gloria got taken unawares by this, and started to ad-lib a speech. Right, and I swear to God, about 12 minutes in, she was telling us how, and I can tell you now if you’re interested, her lovely daughter Karen, is currently in Australia, it’s partly work it’s partly a holiday, Karl, and she’s havin’ a whale of a time. But she’s not spoken to her for ages!

ricky: And then she went, she went, Actually she’s been there for a long time,

steve: Yeah, she’s –

ricky: And it’slike (mumbles) go, She doesn’t call,

steve: Yeah!

ricky: You do that, you get on Blue Peter, and this is how she –

steve: We thought she was gonna get photos out, maybe, start showin’ it – it was just, bizarre.

ricky: No, it was, it was a nice event, and uh, everyone there, Henry Cooper was there,

steve: It was good because every single element as well was sponsored by someone,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I was lookin’ at the menu, I’ve got the programme here, and the menu, right, pudding, is sponsored by Electrolux.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I mean, I don’t know if you’ve ever had a pudding sponsored by,

ricky: Yeah

steve: Electrolux,

ricky: I was sponsored by Zanussi.

karl: When everyone was doin’ the prayers, did you, did you look at ‘em with their eyes shut. Like, like you did at school.

ricky: What do you mean.

karl: Well, wh – when you had to -

ricky: Did you look at someone with your eyes shut.

karl: No, you do that. You do your um, your hands together,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You sort of look at people with their eyes shut, and think that’s what they look like they’re sleeping.

ricky: Play a record.

karl: Didn’t you ever do that?

ricky: Table 60, Liza Tarbuck.

ricky: That uh, Cornershop, Lessons Learned from Rocky – I love that guitar.

steve: Mm.

ricky: That’s great. That’s real glam rock, T Rex and Bowie, I was gonna play summat from uh, Ziggy Stardust today, but instead I brought in a different album. I’m gonna play a bit a’ Bowie, is that all right?

steve: Mm, of course. Always. Yeah.

ricky: Bit a’ Beatles. Still to come up, by the way, we um, the um, with the Education of Karl, last week he did Che Guevara,

steve: Very good. Yeah.

ricky: He did very well. Before that, the week before that, he learned all about Rasputin, didn’t ya.

ricky: And, this week you’ve been studying Hitler, haven’t you.

karl: (grunts)

ricky: How did that go, how’d you (mumbles)

karl: It’s a bit tough.

ricky: Ok.

karl: Um, I’ll give you the full story later, Steve. Do you know much about him?

steve: No.

karl: ‘Sum, they’re all linked. All these stories I’ve been reading. They’ve all got a similar sort of thing going through ‘em.

steve: Right.

karl: They’re born, they have a bit of a tough upbringing,

steve: Mmhm.

karl: Things aren’t going well, and they seem to take it out on, on other people.

steve: Ok.

karl: But I’ll tell you more later.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Yeah, I don’t think you can, I mean, I don’t think Hitler and Che Guevara –

karl: It’s the same thing! Che Guevara, when he was a kid,

ricky: Yeah,

karl: Had like, asthma.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: All right? He wasn’t an happy kid. Uh, Hitler, um, he um,

steve: He only had one ball.

ricky: Right!

karl: Well, I was tryin’ to find about that,

ricky: Ye—seriously, he phoned me up in the week, I said, How’s it going, he went, I’ve skimmed it. I’ve just skimmed it. I was looking for the uh, the testicle thing. Now I don’t know if they left that out, or it’s not true.

steve: Right.

ricky: So he was, he was trying to look up that Hitler has only got one ball.

karl: I think they only did it to wind him up.

karl: Because it’s like, yeah, you might be takin’ over the world, but we’re all sayin’ you’ve only got one testicle.

steve: Sure. So did you, did you look in the index and it’s sort of Hitler, Adolph, Family Life, Early Childhood, Testicles. Testicles (Absence Of).

karl: Sort of skimmed through, because,

ricky: One of!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Mother – brackets Other.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Albert Hall!

steve: Yeah.

karl: The only thing I could find was at one point, in, in, like, when he was tryin’ to run the place, was like there was a meeting going on, and somebody had put a bag in a, in the meeting room, and it blew up.

ricky: Yeah, and the table -

karl: And I wonder it if was under the table.

steve: What, you’re wondering if it blew a testicle off?

ricky: It wasn’t, it wasn’t, what, the testicle was under the table?

steve: No, the bag – the bag blew off the ball.

ricky: No, the ball sack was probably hanging below the uh, protective top. And so, that’s where he could’ve lost –

steve: But why would he’ve only just lost the one?

ricky: Uh, because the,

karl: The way he was sittin’.

steve: Cross-legged or something. Sure. Sure, Ok. Well, I mean, again, again, last week we had a Che Guevara expert phoned up, maybe there’s a Hitler expert this time who can maybe phone up and confirm the uh, the testicle theory.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: What’s the number again, Karl?

karl: 08700 800 1234.

steve: You need to at least have a PhD or something.

ricky: I don’t – I don’t think we should invite calls about Hitler. I think we’re asking for trouble.

karl: No.

steve: No, I think someone who’s done a study of him and who’s done a PhD.

ricky: Ok. All right.

steve: I’m not talking about any old nutter.

ricky: And also um, uh, Karl’s lottery numbers. He’s a little bit more confident this week.

steve: Ok, good.

ricky: He went, he went, they’re more like it, and I looked at ‘em and I laughed, he went, No, no, even Suzanne said I’m on the – more on the right lines there.

ricky: Is there, is anyone who um, uh, has done a degree in Maths or A level Maths, that can bear, Karl won’t believe this, right. Karl thinks, I was tryin’ to, I know I was partly doin’ this to confuse him, just to see that look on his face, like a cat. All right? But, there is, the chances, with random numbers, for example, the lottery, of gettin’ 1-2-3-4-5-6, are not greater than any other, single combination.

steve: Right.

ricky: Now that’s true. I don’t mean you’re more likely to get 1-2-3-4-5-6 than any other combination put together, but than any other individual combination, they’re all equal. It’s counter-intuitive, I know, I know you think that to get a run of 1 to 6, is less likely than anything else, but it’s not. Uh, any names,

karl: It is.

ricky: It’s not, Karl. If there’s a, a probability,

karl: It’s never happened. It’s never happened.

steve: Yeah, but there’s any number of combinations that

ricky and steve: Never happened.

ricky: Every one of to those combinations that have come up, have happened, and they’re just as likely, or unlikely, as any other combination. Right? It’s just that you feel, intuitively, right, that 1-2-3-4-5-6 is less likely than 1-7 -12 -34 - 60 – you know what I mean?

karl: Well, I didn’t win.

ricky: Play a record.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Wu-Tang Clan. Uzi. On Xfm 104.9. Well, here we are, the day before St Patrick’s day.

steve: Oh, hooray! Brilliant!

ricky: Guiness. Etc.

steve: I hate people, I hate British – English people, I should say, who are obsessed with celebrating St Patrick’s Day. You know, all crazy, like Chris Evans used to rave on about it – We’re going to Dublin! We’re gonna get drunk! Waaah. It’s like, it means nothing to me.

ricky: I think Xfm used to do that, to be honest.

steve: Well, yeah. Exactly. Just as bad.

ricky: Careful. Careful. They are our employers. You don’t wanna – you don’t wanna annoy ‘em. What would we do without this?

steve: That’s true.

ricky: All right?

steve: Have an enjoyable Saturday.

ricky: No! This is my favourite 2 hours! You enjoy this, don’t ya?

steve: Well, I dunno…

ricky: We can’t do this through May and June!

steve: No, we’ll be gone.

ricky: We’ve gotta be – we gotta record the 2nd series of The Office. What we you gonna do, Karl. What are you gonna do on a Saturday.

steve: Host the show yourself?

karl: Do it on me own.

ricky: You are not!

steve: Are you seriously thinkin’ of it. Have they asked you to do it?

ricky: We’ve made you everything that you’re –

steve: Why, why would you not think about it.

karl: ‘Cause I’ve been there, done that.

steve: Next challenge, please!

ricky: Oh, dear. D’you know uh, d’you know uh, what St Patrick did? Why he was revered as a saint and everything? What was he famous for in Ireland. He did – he rid Ireland of something.

karl: I don’t know, but I’ll bet he started off with something odd, happening in his life.

steve: What you think he had asthma or something, as a kid.

karl: They all – they all do.

steve: And he took it out on what, then?

ricky: What did he – exactly. He took it out on something. What did he do. What did he rid Ireland of.

karl: Uhhh….

steve: St Patrick.

ricky: St Patrick.

steve: This is why we’re gonna get crazy and drunk tomorrow, this is why we’re all so happy to celebrate his uh, anniversary, or whatever it is we’re celebratin’. This is why we –

ricky: That’s why we have a craic,

steve: Yeah. This is why we don’t bother to celebrate, you know, the birthdays of James Joyce, one of the great novelists of this century, or Samuel Beckett, one of the great playrights, we actually celebrate this man. St Patrick. The man who did what.

ricky: All right, don’t diss him. He did a good job of it, as well. ‘Cause there’s none there now. There are none of these in Ireland. So, he rid Ireland of something.

steve: C’mon, Karl. Think of something. Just give us an answer. What’s -

ricky: He ran around on a horse, wackin’ ‘em.

karl: He went on a horse wackin’ ‘em.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What was it, Karl?

ricky: What did he rid Ireland of.

karl: Foxes? I dunno.

ricky: Well, no,

steve: No, you’re along the right lines.

karl: Uh,

ricky: It was an animal.

karl: Oh! Bears?

steve: Yes it was! Yes, it was bears.

ricky: Wow! It was snakes.

karl: Right.

ricky: And there are no snakes in Ireland.

steve: He rid Ireland of all the snakes.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Who did it ‘ere then, ‘cause there aren’t that many.

steve: Well, I think he had a stab at it over here as well, but got tired, went back.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That’s why there’s a few snakes here. Is it true that there are no snakes in Ireland.

ricky: I think it is. I think it, someone call us, and um,

steve: And what is there, is there any historical evidence for St Patrick? mean, how did he do it – was it like the Pied Piper.

ricky: See, I – I – I’m not convinced that he did go around killin’ snakes,

steve: Really?

ricky: But there are no snakes in Ireland, yeah. If someone – someone just uh, we had a few uh, probability experts and statisticians and Maths graduates, confirming that, indeed I was correct, that the probability of 1-6 in a row is no more or less likely than any other single combination, in a totally random selection. Of balls. Which brings us back to Hitler, doesn’t it. ‘Cause he only had one, didn’t he.

karl: Well …

ricky: Coming up, we’ll be asking Karl all about Hitler. The Education of Karl. He’s done Rasputin, he’s done Che Guevara.

steve: Plus of course, uh, White Van Karl.

ricky: White Van Karl.

steve: Where we ask Karl some of the uh, his opinions on some of the hot potatoes of the week.

ricky: You learn as you go along,

steve: Yup.

ricky: ‘Cause that was St Patrick there, and that was thrown in for free, that was an extra,

karl: I’ll learn you somethin’ here. Snakes –

ricky: Well, sorry – can I just stop you there, and I’ll teach you something. Right?

karl: Go on. Go on then.

ricky: You don’t learn someone something. You teach them something.

karl: Yep.

ricky: It’s not – one’s passive. You – you learn,

steve: Ricky, I – sorry, mate, but I don’t think you should be teaching a bloke to speak or use grammar.

steve: I just don’t think it’s appropriate.

karl: Snakes –

steve: It’s like, it’s embarrassing, frankly. ‘Cause there’s SO many errors you’re making, it’s like, where to start, with you.

ricky: Oh!

karl: Snakes, right, you’re talkin’ about snakes,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: A lot of snakes are born with 2 heads. It’s like a f- it’s like a familiar type thing that happens to snakes.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Yeah. They take it for granted, don’t they!

karl: All right? Snakes born, 2 heads, they’ll fight each other for food, even though it’s still the same body.

ricky: I’nt that weird.

karl: Mm.

steve: Where there kids at school,

steve: Who had 2 heads –

ricky: The snake twins!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: From Moseley!

steve: Was it, was, there was kids at your school with 2 heads, is that right?

ricky: No – no – they had big heads.

steve: Oh, they had big heads.

ricky: And, webbed hands, but they weren’t related, and they – they weren’t friends, ‘cause that would’ve been to obvious, he said.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Oh – oh, Steve – before you came in, right, I sneezed a coupla times, I don’t know if I’m allergic to summat, or I’ve still got a bit of a cold, and I said, Oh God, he went, Bloody hell, I said, Sorry. And he went, then he went, You know you can’t sneeze with your eyes open, I went, Yeah. Yeah. And then he was obviously thinkin’ to himself still, and after a pause, he went, would your eyes really fly out? And I started laughin’, he went, No, has anyone ever done that, do you think?

ricky: Has anyone ever held someone down, torturin’ ‘em, and held their eyelids open, and gave ‘em pepper, and see if their eyes would fly out. And he said, and then, and then he went, I – I’m just lookin’ at him again, the silence, and then he went, of his own accord, he just went, I can’t see it happenin’.

karl: You’ve got a song here, Ricky.

ricky: Oh! This, I’ve - yeah, um, Bowie. Sorrow. It’s beautiful.

ricky: Sorrow, by David Bowie. I got that on a compilation today but I think... I think that's originally from the Pin Ups album, the one where he did all the covers, because he didn't write that, did he? That was the one with him and Twiggy on the front cover, isn't it?

steve: Right.

ricky: I haven't heard that for ages, I haven't got that.

steve: Sorry, you lost me, I don't know what are you talking about.

ricky: You're reading a book there?

steve: No, I'm just reading the brochure there... the programme if you will for the Television and Radio Industries Club awards that we went to, which incidentally, we lost.

karl: hmm.

ricky: Yeah, we lost to Linda Green.

steve: Yeah, we didn't win an award. But you might be interested to know that "Tom O'Connor is in constant demand for corporate functions both here and abroad, and his client list includes many multinational companies. No mean golfer, Tom took the literary world by surprise in 1992, when his first humorous golf book 'From the Wood to the Tees' made the best seller list". I notice it didn't took the literary world by storm, it took it by surprise.

ricky: They're going "we can't say storm, we gotta say by surprise... from behind"

steve: But umm... "His first book humorous golf book 'From the Woods to the Tee' made the best seller list" I don't know if it's just books about golf, that best seller list "subsequent successful books include ' One Flew Over the Club House'"

ricky: Brilliant. Genius.

steve: "'Take a Funny Turn', 'Follow me I'm Right Behind You', and 'Eat Like a Horse, Drink Like a Fish'". but...

karl: Does it mention celebrity squares? Didn't he do that?

ricky: No

steve: Nah, he did umm... "Name That Tune"

ricky: Crosswits... Once right, it's uh...

steve: Crosswits, do you remember Crosswits?

ricky: It was from the eighties

steve: It was like a crossword game show.

ricky: It was often with, umm, Kate Copstick. But I saw one, right, it was on, it was on Challenge TV, and Andy Crane... remember Andy Crane?

karl: Yup.

ricky: He was on, he was the link man and he went "Coming on next, Tom O'Connor with Crosswits, with, uh, well, in my opinion one of the best Crosswits players of all time John Junkin"

steve: Who is you favourite Crosswits player Karl?

ricky: Aw it's gotta be Junkin, but Copstick was alright.

steve: Barry Cryer is bloody good.

ricky: Cryer is good, he is good. I watched "Call My Bluff" in the week.

steve: Is this with Toksvig and Coren?

ricky: Yeah... It was quite good, I quite enjoyed it.

steve: I reckon you could actually get on there if you wanted.

ricky: I used to watch it with uh... What's his name? Frank Muir... Frank Muir. there's my impression.

steve: You are a brilliant impressionist, because of course when Bowie was playing, you were doing your infamous Bowie impression, which is the best one you do actually.

ricky: Well that's just because Karl said "You know what?" he said "I'd love to go out for a drink with David Bowie, of all the people who come here for sessions, I think he's really good" and I said "I think he'd like you as well". That's all, and I just went (Doing David Bowie impression) "Hello Karl, you're strange, you're alien. You interest me, myself and Iggy would like to put you on a...". Yeah, and I just imagine you and Bowie in a pub somewhere.

steve: Isn't that the same impression you do when you are doing Ian Camfield?

ricky: (Doing Ian Camfield impression) "No, Ian Camfield is more like that"

ricky: But not on air, on air he's this, sort of this eloquent forty year-old Capital DJ, and uh...

steve: Yeah, but when you talk to him in the studio he's a rock legend.

ricky: He's slowly turning into Tommy Vance, isn't he.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: It's one of his pillars of rock, he loves Vance, Lemmy, Diano.

steve: If we run out of material later in the show, which is... You know, likely...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Considering we are now talking about Camfield's favorite...

ricky: We ran out of it at about five past one.

steve: Exactly, but could I maybe interview you as David Bowie? As a sort of humorous sketch.

ricky: Yeah. That would be fantastic.

steve: Maybe it could the idea of like, you know, what if David Bowie was a cab driver, what would he say, what are the sort of funny things that he would say.

ricky: We saw that! We saw that uhm... What was that in, when it said "Dead Ringers, coming up, if you ever wondered what uhh... It would sound like"

steve: Dead Ringers is this impressionist show they did... It's on Radio 4 and they did a TV version...

karl: Yeah, I sawr' it.

steve: And what did you make of it?

karl: I didn't like it.

ricky: It was alright, no ,it’s just that the write up in one magazine said “Ever wonder what it would be like if Robbie Williams was singin George Formby” or “What it would like” uh, I think “If General Hospital was....”

steve: “Hosted by Anne Robinson”

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know what? I have, I have wondered. Were those two sketches on it last night?

ricky and karl: Yeah.

steve: What were they like?

ricky: You are the weakest...

steve: Dog?

ricky: Stink? No what was it? It was something like... That... You had to fall off and animal to die or summat.

steve: This is flagging, quick, do your Bowie again.

ricky: umm... (Doing a sketchy Bowie impression) “Oh, come in here, look... Its tin machine, now let’s play changes!... Hello Iggy Pop, you nutter, stop cutting yourself!”

ricky: Travis, Flowers On The Window on Xfm 104.9. Two O’clock, halfway through... Ooh it’s our favourite time of the week isn’t it?

steve: Yep.

ricky: my favourite time of the week, when we come in here and just have a chat.

steve: Ricky, a lot of people are wondering who you are.

ricky: I’m Ricky Gervais and with me Steve Merchant.

steve: Hi.

ricky: And there’s little Karl over there.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Steve, it’s time for?

steve: White. Man. Karl... uh... we should definitely get some jingles, the show sort of lacks jingles... I think.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Noises, funny sound effects.

ricky: yeah

ricky: Go on.

steve: What’s nosey neighbour interested in? “Hello, what’s going on here?”

steve: Yeah we should definitely get some pre-recorded comedy noises, Karl, for next week.

karl: Yeah, that’s my job, but unfortunately I’m busy reading about Hitler!

steve: For those who don’t know or aren’t familiar with this feature, basically, The Sun runs this White Van Man column, where it, um, asks uh... just people, you know, every, every men and women their views on the news stories from the week and... uh... we decided we’d just ask Karl his opinions on the same issues. This week...

ricky: Not to rip off their idea and use it for our own...

steve: no, no, no, no, no.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The White Van Man in The Sun this week is Herbie Crossman from Harrow in Middlesex...

ricky: Herbie!

steve: And he’s been asked his opinion, and Karl, what’s yours, on Pop Idol Will Young, admitting he is gay. C’mon Karl.

karl: umm... I don’t understand what the big deal is, to be honest.

ricky: No.

karl: Talking to different people about it... and they say “Oh, it could affect the sales, you know, girls won’t like him anymore” Which I think is rubbish.

ricky: Yeah, ‘cos it finished George Michael’s career didn’t it?

karl: Well yeah, but I was thinking...

ricky: And Freddie Mercury.

karl: When I was growing up, right, I was into Kim Wilde, right?

ricky: Sure. Until “Kids in America”

steve: You’re not gonna tell me she’s gay, are you?

karl: No, but if she was, if they said “Oh she, she’s, you know, a lezzer”

steve: Yeah.

karl: I wouldn’t say “Alright, that’s it, I’m taking Kids in America back to the shop, I’m disgusted.”

steve: Sure.

karl: I liked her. I don’t think I’m ever gonna meet her, and marry her, so what does it matter?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Will Young, he’s a good voice, you know, there’s a lot of gay people in the world.

ricky: “Georgie boy, was gay I guess”

karl: There you go.

ricky: “Nothing more and nothing less. Kindest guy I ever knew”

steve: Do your Bowie!

karl: No big deal.

ricky: That’s one of your favourite songs, innit?

karl: Brilliant.

ricky: “Killing Of Georgie” parts one and two.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Ok, umm... What do you make of the police marching to Parliament over reforms.

ricky: That’s not the band, before you say anything.

karl: Right, what’s that all about?

steve: Ok, so the police have various kind of gripes and grumbles which they’ve taken to Parliament, to try and get them sorted.

karl: Like what?

steve: Well, it could take ages, basically...

ricky: They don’t like the pointy helmets anymore, they want flatcaps.

steve: They feel that a lot of their powers are restricted, they get a lot of press, they’re not being paid very well

ricky: They actually demonstrated, didn’t they? Outside the...

steve: They may have done.

karl: At least they’re doing something about it, instead of just sitting there moaning, you know what I mean? They’re going to the top, trying to sort it out and that.

ricky and steve: Yup.

karl: I admire that.

steve: What do you make of the police generally, are they doing a good job?

karl: Umm, they woke me up a couple of times at about four in the morning, when I was a kid.

steve: Right, was that ‘cos they were looking for your brother in his tank?

ricky: Yeah “Did a Sherman tank just come through here?”.

karl: Nah, me mates nicked cars and gave my name and all that.

steve: Right, were they friends of yours?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Ok, umm... What do you make of fears that dumped Britney Spears – She’s been dumped by her boyfriend – There’s worries that she may be cracking up Karl.

karl: What, what are the signs?

steve: Umm I’m not completely sure, I’m just reading from this section, but I would assume that she’s obviously showed some signs of depression maybe?

karl: She’ll be alright, I remember like, you know, Zoe Harris, when she sort of got bored of me, when I was a kid, got over it and don’t even think about her now.

steve: What, and how long did it take you to get over her?

ricky: Zoe Harris!

karl: To be honest, right, it was one of my first girlfriends, and she was a pain, I remember, I went out with her because she wouldn’t stop hassling me, right?

steve: A good reason.

ricky: I love that, I love that “Oh go on then”

karl: I never talked to her, and then, the bit that really got on me... I thought I half liked her, and then I remember, we were at a school party, sort of infant school.

ricky: Infant school!

steve: Infant school? Are you sure it wasn’t junior school?

karl: Well, it was on the cusp, when you’re about to leave infants and go into the next one.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And she was crying...

steve: You were saying “I don’t think we should move in together”

ricky: She was crying? Oh, how old was she, she must have been nearly six, why doesn’t she grow up!

karl: No, she was crying because somebody had stood on her dress and made a bit of a hole in it, and I said “Oh, for God’s sake”.

ricky: I can’t, I can’t stand this. Oh God!

steve: So you gave her a slap.

ricky: I just think of him at, like, six like with clogs and a flatcap going slightly bald going “For Christ’s sake woman, come on”.

steve: “Light me pipe”

karl: That finished it, because all her mates were saying “C’mon Karl, she’s upset” and I was like “Oh, whatever”.

ricky: Hold on though, wait a minute, what do you mean all her mates were saying “C’mon Karl”, they were six, weren’t they?

karl: Yeah, but they were saying like “C’mon, she’s crying, help her out”.

steve: and you did nothing?

karl: Well she’s not injured! She’s got a hole in her skirt!

steve: Yeah, but she was upset and you were her boyfriend!

karl: Well.

steve: So what did you do, tell me the story, where were you?

karl: That’s why it didn’t work out.

steve: You were at some kind of school due, there was a hole in her dress

ricky: “That’s why it didn’t work out” He said.

steve: Do you treat your current girlfriend in the same way, with this callous disregard for people's feelings?

ricky: His current girlfriend does not tread on her dress, does she?

karl: Yeah.

steve: So, as far as you’re concerned... What was her name, Sarah?

karl: Zoe.

steve: Zoe Harris, so you just felt you know “Oh, she gonna make a winge about, you know, a silly little hole, screw her.”

karl: Yeah.

steve: You’re all heart, Karl.

karl: What would you have done?

steve: I would’ve gone over there and given her a lovely kiss.

karl: No, you wouldn’t.

steve: Yes I would

karl: We were playing Dead Arm.

karl: In the corner.

ricky: Ask him one more question.

steve: Alright, a ver final thought, then...

karl: Go on.

steve: Uh... What do you say to the fact that judge, a judge that has decided that we, the general public, have a right to know about “Star’s flings”. Basically, this is an excuse, this is basically saying ‘Should papers be allowed to print tittle tattle about celebrities”.

ricky: Oh, this is...

steve: Provided it’s true.

ricky: This is something about, isn’t there a division one footballer that had a... A premiership footballer had had an affair, and it is true, but he’s trying to keep privacy and the judge said “Well, it’s not for us to say... Censor the press for things that are true, it’s up to the general public to either boycott, or you know, not that publication.

steve: What about all this exposing... Going through, you know, the bins of celebrities.

karl: It’s not right, is it, but...

ricky: No.

karl: But people are interested in it, and buy the papers to read, know what I mean? Like I said to you the other week, everybody has a go at Beckham, saying he’s not bright and all that, but at the end of the day, he’s a footballer, it doesn’t really matter what goes on outside the pitch, know what I mean?

steve: Yup.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So, I...

steve: What if you were a celebrity and they, you know, splashed all over the front page the fact that you just, you know, didn’t care less for Zoe Harris and her torn dress.

ricky: Yeah “Zoe Harris is still upset”.

steve: Yeah, they dug her out, you know; “The night Karl Pilkington reduced me to tears”.

karl: Nah, I haven’t done anything that bad. I wouldn’t be worried.

steve: Sure, did you win the Dead Arm contest?

karl: No. I was thinking about that, is there a chance I could get blood clots in later life.

steve: Did you play that a lot?

karl: Yeah, a hell of a lot.

steve: Did you ever do it, but like kind of head-butting.

karl: No.

steve: Ok, ‘cos that would have explained something.

karl: No. Dead Arm. Any more?

steve: No, that’s it Karl.

ricky: It was with people’s blessing wasn’t it, that you had to give them a go.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: And you played it with girls.

karl: Nah.

ricky: Oh, alright.

karl: With me mates.

steve: So you were playing Dead Arms while she was off dancing and getting her dress ruined.

karl: Yeah.

steve: You romantic you.

ricky: And you haven’t changed a bit, haven’t ya! Still do that to this day, don’t ya, at functions and events. Oh dear. What track have you got here? You’ve brought in a track?

steve: Yeah, I just thought I’d dig out some Elliot Smith, I’ve quite enjoyed his work, and this is a previous single from his album “Figure 8”, it’s called “Son of Sam”.

ricky: Xfm 104.9...

steve: Sorry...

ricky: ...go on.

steve: ...I was just gonna back announce that track and mention it was Elliot Smith and the track 'Son of Sam'.

ricky: Well, I think I better just ask, Karl a couple of quick questions about Hitler, then we can, we can get on with our lives.

steve: Okay and we can tick that particular box.

ricky: Yeah, put that old...yeah...okay...Karl...

steve: Put that particular dictator to bed.

ricky: It's we- it's week 3 of Karl's education, you've nailed Rasputin and Che Guevara, I don't wanna lose complete sight of those, I'll maybe ask you a couple of those in the week, just so keep your mind on it. But Hitler, what...

steve: Tell us the story.

ricky: What have you learnt?

karl: Do you wanna ask some questions?

ricky: Err, no not really, just, just, just, just sum it up in a minute, what you...

karl: I can't do it in a minute.

steve: Can I ask some questions then, where was he born?

karl: Austria.

steve: Tell us about his early life.

karl: Right, he was a young lad.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: What in his early life?

steve: Okay.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He, whatshername, his, his mam was his dad's second cousin, which is a bit weird.

ricky: Yep.

steve: That is weird.

karl: They had five kids...

ricky: Steve's going 'yeah it's usually first cousin where I come from.'

ricky: Oh that's unfair isn't it!

steve: Jeez...

ricky: There's no need for that. Go on.

karl: There was, there was five kids, but only two of 'em including Hitler, erm, including him and his sister survived, the others died at an early age.

steve: Okay.

karl: Alright, so, erm, anyway, they grew up and the mam died and the dad died and he thought 'oh, what am I gonna do?' cos he didn't do well at school, he didn't have many qualifications...

ricky: Nope.

karl: Liked art.

steve: Did he have a GCSE in history?

karl: Liked art, right, and then, erm, he said 'right, I'm gonna go to Munich', I missed a bit out actually, Jewish people were in Austria, he didn't really like 'em.

steve: Okay.

karl: He thought they got, you know, special treatments and stuff, and just didn't like 'em, so he went to Munich, and he, erm, joined the army.

ricky: Right.

karl: Yeah?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And, erm, he was in the army, and he got injured.

ricky: Right.

karl: And he went to hospital, whilst he was in hospital, the World War 1 ended, and he was like 'oh god, I want...'

steve: 'I was enjoying that.'

karl: Yeah.

karl: So... don't, cos you're breaking me concentration.

steve: Sorry.

ricky: I'm not even sure I wanna join in on this one, just in case.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Right, go on.

karl: Right, so...erm...so...

steve: He's in hospital.

karl: He's in hospital...

steve: World War's ended.

karl: ...he's gets a bit better, he's never that fit though, he's one of these blokes who's always ill, was on something like 30 tablets a day, or something, comes out of there, err, joins some other army, erm... god, you know, I knew it all this morning.

ricky: I could see it running to ground, I could see his face going 'I'm not nailing the facts am I?' '...and joins another army...and he was...'

steve: Listen, let's try and help you.

karl: Here's a good bit, here's a good bit, I remember this bit, he thought that war to men, right, was like childbirth is to women. That's how important he thought it was.

ricky: Oh right.

karl: Right. So it's like you know, you fight for nine months and then at the end of it, you own something, right.

steve: Yep.

ricky: Yep.

karl: So, erm, he goes on and all that. He's in Berlin.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And he's, you know, he's, he's er, he's fighting his way through like, you know, trying to take over countries and that, and he does; does he do Berlin?

karl: Does he?

ricky: I think...

steve: Sorry, wait a minute, is he, is he, is he Chancellor yet?

karl: Errr....

ricky: What year is it? '35?

steve: Let's skip...

ricky: Where are you?

steve: Let's skip the kind of climb to power then, he's now, he's now the dictator of Germany.

karl: He's in charge, yeah, and this is when, you know, he gets his own back on the Jewish people, and that and he's, uh, he's got his own little armies, and they're setting fire to Jewish businesses and all this, and, er, anyway, cut a long story short, he err...

ricky: Please do.

karl: He, er, when it came to like fight in Britain.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He came a bit sort of unstuck.

ricky: Yeah!

karl: Right, started fighting...

ricky: Not so easy is it, this world domination, Adolf!

karl: Britain was there, France was helping out...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Americans were helping out.

ricky: Yeah... well.

karl: So he thought 'oh god', so he goes...

ricky: A bit late, but yeah.

karl: So he goes into a bunker in Berlin.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And it's all kicking off...

ricky: Yep.

karl: ...and apparently like, Germany sort of surrenders.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Says it's all over forget it, we can't beat ya, he was really annoyed with this and he thought 'oh I can't, I can't show me face around here'.

karl: So he, er...

steve: Cos it would be embarrassing.

karl: He's with his missus, who nobody knew was his wife.

ricky: Right.

karl: Eva, in this bunker, and erm, so erm, he says 'oh I've had enough of this', he shoots himself, she poisons herself, and the chauffeur buries 'em or something, or burns 'em.

steve: Right.

karl: ...and in all the time he was in charge, 50 million people died.

ricky: So that's 1918 to 1945.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Between...

steve: It felt like that.

ricky: Between...(laughing)...between Travis and The Red Hot Chili Peppers, next week... that's fantastic.

steve: That's remarkable. I-, I- I have to say you lost your grasp somewhere along the way, cos you started off confidently,

karl: I've had a... I've had a really busy week and last night I was like whizzing through it.

ricky: Sure.

karl: And then this morning, I woke up and Suzanne had been away for about three days, right, I hardly spoke to her, she's been busy, I've been busy, first thing I say when I wake up, “oh, just ask me some stuff on Hitler.”

ricky: You old romantic.

ricky: That's great.

karl: That's how stressful it's getting, but I knew it all this morning, honestly.

ricky: No, well that's, that's fine, I think you've summed up the, you know, you've done a...

steve: You captured his essence.

ricky: Right, just for a bit of balance, erm, I've got your next week's homework, it's the same series, it's those little books, those tiny little books, just 3 inches long by 2 inches wide...

steve: Crammed with so much information though.

ricky: ...Winston Churchill. There you go, you'll enjoy that.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: I'm getting a bit bored now, though. This is what happened in school.

ricky: Think of the listeners.

karl: Did really well in infants, once I got to secondary, lost interest.

ricky: Was it the break-up? Between you and Harris?

steve: And Zoe? We're wondering if, yeah, you spiraled into something there.

ricky: Yeah, cos it's like all these other, you know, these men, these men of history, they always had sort of, things happen in their early childhood, didn't they, maybe yours is the Zoe Harris dress incident.

steve: Let's just refer to it as the 'Zoe Incident'...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: From now on.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Winston Churchill, the bit I left out in the Hitler story, Hitler was scared of this man.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And I can tell you something else about Winston Churchill.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Erm, he said he can remembers being in the womb...

karl: ...and he was born in a public toilet.

ricky: Play a record.

ricky: PJ Harvey – 'This is Love', Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Steve Merchant and Karl. Karl called me in the week, Steve, I know I, I know we sort of ban each other from speaking to him...

steve: You seemed to have just disobeyed that rule every week.

ricky: I can't believe it, I just can't resist it, but, erm, he said 'oh, just saw a program', he said 'what's that big balloon that blew up when the newsreader was going all mental.' and I went “Is that the Hindenburg?” he went 'yeah' I said “it was a big zeppelin” he went 'yeah', he went 'what happened?' he said 'it was helium wasn't it?' I went “Yeah, it was just a big, a huge zeppelin full of helium”, 'what caused it?', “I don't know, could have been a spark or anything, but of course it just goes whoosh, cos helium's so flammable”, and he went 'now they didn't show this in the documentary, but did all their voices go funny?'

ricky: I went “what?”, he went 'well, no, even if you take a little bit of a little balloon of helium, your voice goes funny, so if that was like millions of gallons of it, and it blew up in the air, and you were, and it was in the atmosphere you'd be going, you'd be talking like Donald Duck' he went. So imagine that.

steve: Karl...

ricky: What I liked about it, he said 'this wasn't in the documentary.'

steve: No, it was an oversight. Maybe time was against them, they didn't have time to explain it.

ricky: Just like that book about Hitler didn't have his one ball incident.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's annoyed me that.

ricky: What? What has?

karl: The old Hitler book.

ricky: Why?

karl: Just because, because I knew it all. D'you know what I mean? I was cycling in today, like 'yeah', going through it all again.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, had it all in me head.

ricky: But that's why you should know something, as opposed to just cram and have a piece of trivia that's precariously sort of teetering on the edge...

steve: But what I don't understand...

ricky: You know what I mean, it's, it's...

steve: Were you not interested by it?

ricky: That's what I mean?

steve: it's the most fascinating things.

karl: I know.

ricky: You know all about things you're interested in, you never forget 'em do ya?

karl: Yeah, I was a bit interested in it, like I say I'm cramming all this in, into a normal week, d'you know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You go on and you know, you watch telly and that in the week, you've got loads of leisurely time, I'm sort of using the only bit of rest time I have, to learn as well as trying to do all my other stuff.

ricky: (Giggling) He said, he text me yesterday about Hitler, he went, he went 'stop making me read this heavy shit' he said 'I've seen in the back of this book, there's one on Elvis.'

karl: No, I mean it is, it is interesting, but not when you have to read it, d'you know what I mean?

steve: Right.

karl: It's more...

steve: But do you think you would have read it in your leisure time?

karl: To be honest...

steve: No you wouldn't have.

karl: ...no, I wouldn't have.

ricky: No, he's not...

steve: What do you do in your leisure time?

karl: I like you know, going out for food and that.

steve: Right.

ricky: Foraging? What do you mean going out for food? You come out of a little hole and go...

steve: Hunting.

ricky: (Nature documentary voice) “This is Karl, he's hungry, he knows he has to get to the greasy spoon by 11, (Ricky makes the sounds of cars speeding past) Mrrow... mrrrrrrowww... mrrrroww...”

steve: (Nature documentary voice) “Many of Karl's close friends have never made it across this road.”

ricky: “There is a zebra crossing installed just for the safety of Karl, (pedestrian crossing noise) b-d-beep, beep, beep, beep, beep... 'Er Can I have a bacon butty and...' Karl is enjoying his mrrrroww... but he has to get back.”

steve: His girlfriend's asked for one as well.

steve: She's home with a Playstation 2.

ricky: (Sound of a crash) Mrrowww, eeeee, krrh.

karl: Oh.

ricky: Beep...

steve: Alright Rick.

ricky: ...beep...

steve: It was David Bowie impressions earlier, now it's just a selection of crazy sound effects, like that guy in Police Academy.

ricky: You said you wanted some! You said you wanted some! He hasn't got time to make 'em up, he's reading about Hitler! You heard him.

steve: Do a machine gun...

ricky: We've got...

steve: ...or a helicopter.

ricky: ...we've gotta do all our own sound effects.

karl: Oh.

ricky: Oh. So d'you wanna week off? D'you not wanna learn about Winston Churchill? Why don't you read it if you want to and just if you get interested then read and think...

karl: Cos that's what I did with school and it didn't work.

ricky: No, you decided you didn't want to.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Okay...

karl: So...

ricky: Hasn't that, hasn't that taught you something?

karl: Can't we just do it like a TV series, it doesn't go on forever, we've done 3 weeks, give it a rest now, for like the summer.

ricky: Yeah, cos most series last for 3 weeks.

karl: Well, you know...

ricky: Yeah, okay, what's your favourite subject in the world; what's your favourite thing in the world?

karl: Erm, I would have said, what at school, like?

ricky: No.

steve: Generally in life.

ricky: ...in life. What are you interested in.

karl: I like, I like, little interesting bits, like, erm...

ricky: Sentences?

karl: Atlantic Ocean, it's got 17 quadwill... quadrillion gallons of water in it.

ricky: Right.

karl: Well, that's interesting without having to read a book.

ricky: Why is that interesting though? What are you basing that on, when you think of 17 quadrillion, what...

karl: It's a lot innit.

ricky: ...what are you imagining?

karl: Just like a big wave.

karl: Imagine, how much water.

steve: Yeah.

karl: What's your subject then?

ricky: I don't know, it's just that when I said what's your favourite subject, you gave me a fact, that is so...

karl: Well that sort of thing, like I said to you before, you were talking about monkeys and I said “do you know, that if you give a monkey a childbirth tablet, it works on it the same way cos it's kitted out the same...”

ricky: Can I just say something, we weren't talking about monkeys.

karl: What were we talking about then?

ricky: No, we were talking about something completely different and you went “if you give a monkey a childbirth pill it works.” That's what you said.

karl: No we were talking about monkeys before...

ricky: We weren't, we were talking about sneezing.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah and you went “if you give a monkey childbirth pills it works.” That's, that's, that's...

karl: No, we were talking about interesting things about sneezing and I remembered an interesting fact about monkeys.

karl: So...

steve: Anyway...

karl: Sick of it.

steve: ...half past two. Brilliant. What did happen to that bloke who used to make the sound effects in Police Academy?

ricky: I don't know.

steve: He was brilliant wasn't he, remember him?

ricky: I don't remember him.

steve: Was he called Hightower?

karl: Yeah he was good.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: If anyone knows give us a call.

karl: God...

ricky: Blur, 'Girls and Boys'.

steve: Erm, you've embarrassed yourself then Gervais.

ricky: What?

steve: Well, we've had a number of calls and emails...

ricky: Yep.

steve: ...pointing out that the Hindenburg disaster was not because the zeppelin was filled with helium...

ricky: Hydrogen.

steve: ...but filled with hydrogen.

ricky: Right, okay. Well I thought about that when he told me in the week...

steve: Yeah, but...

ricky: ...I assumed he must have got it off, from the documentary, so it just, it just went up, that's probably why the voices didn't go funny.

steve: That's probably why it didn't feature in the documentary.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But it seems to me we should have thought of that, I mean at like school fetes and stuff where there filling little balloons with helium, there'd be all kinds of horror stories if they were just blowing up you know, left, right and centre. I don't think you can just blow helium up like that can you?

ricky: What?

steve: Isn't that the point? What I'm saying is, it can't be as potentially lethal as hydrogen, helium.

ricky: What hydrogen isn't as bad as helium?

steve: No, helium's not as bad as hydrogen.

ricky: I don't know what you're saying, cos the Hindenburg was hydrogen.

steve: Yeah and I'm saying, why did we think it was helium, that's crazy, you go to fetes, school fetes and stuff with little kids and stuff and they're filling up little balloons with helium, they wouldn't have big cannisters of helium at a charity event or a small kind of bring-and-buy sale, if it was deadly.

karl: Yeah, but it's not as big, when you buy those balloons at the fair it's not as big as that, that...

steve: Presumably it's still flammable, is it?

ricky: It wasn't the fact that how dangerous the rare gas was, or the... it was the fact that, it was made of this thing that caught fire and just went, there was nothing, a hole in it would have been as bad, it just burnt quickly, and fell to the ground, cos they hydrogen or helium escaped, it wasn't, it was irrelevant what the gas was.

steve: I thought there was supposed to be some sort of explosion.

ricky: Well, I don't know what it was, but the outer thing was so thin, right the gas inside it escaped and fell to the ground.

steve: So it just fell to the ground like when you popped a balloon?

ricky: Well, not, not...

karl: It didn't go (Karl does an impression of a balloon deflating)

steve: It didn't flap all over the place? And make a zany noise.

karl: But I tell you what, cos when I was looking on the internet in the week, for it, I was like trying to get a bit more info on it, guess how many balloons it would take, helium balloons to lift a human up.

ricky: Go on.

karl: 6000.

ricky: Shall we do it?

karl: If you want.

steve: Brilliant, next week, that's gotta be a challenge.

ricky: Is there a balloon company or some sort of, you know, party company to sponsor us to lift Karl...

steve: ...into the air...

ricky: Right.

steve: ...with helium balloons.

ricky: 10 feet off the ground, we'll tether him down, right, is there someone willing to pay for 6000 balloons to try and lift Karl up.

steve: We could maybe get some company to sponsor it, I'm thinking Electrolux, if they're gonna sponsor puddings.

ricky: If they're gonna sponsor puddings and you know, er, celebrities, Russ Abbot, they will sponsor Karl being lifted, Heat magazine, Heat magazine, come on, they're a big selling, very successful magazine there, and they know about Karl, cos they've mentioned him, Heat magazine can we have a Heat balloon. Yeah, oh...Karl...

steve: 6000's an awful lot Rick...

ricky: ...into the air, yeah, 6000, yeah, “it's the Heat 6000 Karl challenge! Lift Karl 10 feet into the air.”

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Come on.

steve: What about if it was Karl and Dr Fox. We could get two different balloons.

ricky: I think we'd not a lot more than 6000.

steve: It's a lot more for Foxy, isn't it?

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: The Hives! Aw, just explain what I’m laughin’ at, right. We just had a call, um, from someone, saying his company would sponsor Karl, right, to be raised by all these balloons, if he could have a walk-on part in The Office. And uh, uh, we immediately went, Well, we’re worried about that sort of thing. You can’t really promise that artisti—and, I was worried about the legality of it as well, how can you promise someone that, that’s for personal gain, that’s a private – and all that sort of stuff, right, and I went, Oh, I don’t know, and anyway, put the phone down to him, and Karl went,

ricky: I love the fact you’re more effin worried about that than me being raised 30 feet in the effin air.

ricky: You started gettin’ scared, didja? Are you worried about it.

karl: Well –

steve: You’re quite excited about the idea of the challenge, though, aren’t you.

karl: I like the idea, but I want like –

ricky: Just think!

steve: But why do you like the idea, Karl?

ricky: Oh! What if it went all wrong, and we’re there goin, Oh the humanity of it!

steve: I think we need to get –

ricky: Karl is, just, he’s just turned –

karl: And the rope would pull up me trousers.

steve: Oh .. no, it’s definitely got to be Dr Fox if that’s gonna happen.

ricky: Oh God! Oh, we’ve got to do this!

steve: So hang on – but let’s just think about – ‘cause wait a minute, I mean, we say this, but we’d have to get all kinds of health and safety people involved …

ricky: No – no we wouldn’t!

steve: Of course! We can’t just starting raisin’ him in the air!

ricky: No, we’re allowed to do it on private land, aren’t ya!

steve: Look what happened to the Hindenburg!

ricky: No, but that was, that was, I was just gonna say there was lots of people died! Listen, look, all we do is we get hold – we get someone, right,

steve: But what if, what if, he get, he gets loose and he just floats off into the air.

ricky: And we never - and he meets his magpie that he lost!

steve: Yeah!

ricky: That used to peck his grifter.

karl: (can’t understand) balloons

ricky: Peck at his balloons!

steve: So – hang on – what’re you talkin’ about -–

ricky: Listen, we’ve got to do this – no –

steve: Shut up a minute. Let’s just stop and think about it. It’s 60,000 balloons –

ricky: No, it’s not, it’s 6,000.

karl: 6,000.

steve: But 6,000 balloons! That’s a lot of balloons!

ricky: No – no – it’s not!

steve: Oh, don’t be silly.

ricky: For sponsorship! People pay – no, listen – it’s worth it – there must be a company out there who’ll pay for it, just so we can film it –

steve: Hang on. Is there not an easier way of just getting, one big balloon.

ricky: No.

steve: Then the challenge is – there’s no challenge there.

ricky: No, it’s got to be, it’s got to have people coming up and hooking balloons – it’ll be like Buckaroo! And the person who puts the balloon that actually raises him 10 feet wins a prize or something.

steve: So hang on, what we got, we got each person with like 500 balloons.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That’s mad! You can imagine how many balloons that is – that’s ludicrous!

ricky: 6,000.

steve: Yeah. That’s an awful lot of balloons.

ricky: I don’t know how you – there must be someone that, that, that can do this. Oh look, people have walked on the moon, for Christ’s sake! We can raise Karl Pilkington, with some balloons!

steve: Yes, but they had a NASA budget. We’ve got Xfm behind us!

karl: Yeah, but balloons, balloons are cheap. You can get about a pack of 25 for about one pound fifty.

steve: Right, fine,

ricky: No, but

steve: True.

ricky: Yeah, the helium, though, Karl – you can’t just like attach yourself to a pack of balloons.

karl: No, but,

ricky: Ohhh.

steve: What, you think we blow ‘em all up.

karl: With helium.

steve: Right.

ricky: Aw. But then we can do summat with the balloons, can’t we, like release ‘em afterwards.

steve: Oh, we’ll release ‘em back into the wild!

steve: Brilliant – as a sign of peace!

steve: Fly, my pretties – fly! Be free!

ricky: Listen - I am so excited – I have not been so excited about (mumbles) when I thought that Robin Ince was gonna stay in my cupboard for a thousand pounds. Look, we’ve gotta, we’ve gotta do this.

steve: 6,000 balloons. I don’t think it’s gonna happen. That’s an awful lot of balloons, and I just don’t think – I don’t see how we can tether them all to Karl! He’s a small man!

karl: You shoot ‘em at (?) different lengths, don’t ya.

ricky: Yeah! Exactly! Karl knows!

steve: Can you not think about the logistics of this.

ricky: Oh, someone must know! There must be a company – there’s a bloke, willing to do it! I know he doesn’t have the technology of it – he’s willing to sort of step up -

steve: What kind of a company, just, has access to helium, like that.

ricky: No, we could do this, come on! London. Londoners!

karl: Well someone’s done it. It was on the internet already, so someone already has done it,

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, they didn’t say, Oh, we can’t get hold of the balloons.

ricky: No, they probably worked it out, didn’t they,

steve: I can’t – Karl, you’re more excited about this than anything else! About your education, about your, exam results, you’re so excited!

ricky: And we’ll – we’ll have a little rov – it’ll like flyin’ a little kite! A little karl!

steve: Karl, what will you wear, like a one-piece jumpsuit?

ricky: Yeah, it’d be lovely to wear -

steve: With sponsorship all over it?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Oh, it’d be great – you’d look just like Jackie Stewart, and just as you go up – your little face! Oh my God! I’m not gonna sleep, until this is done! This is the most exciting thing ever!

karl: Only 10 feet.

ricky: 10 feet, yeah, and we’d tether ya.

steve: We need some, we need some kind of rope, to sort of tether you to the ground.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: We don’t want you sort of flying off. This is gonna be great! And you’d have a little crash helmet and everything, and little deelyboppers on the crash helmet, like he’s a little flying ant!

steve: Yeah. Definitely, definitely.

ricky: We give him a little – oh my God – can we give you an outfit, like with little wings and everything? Ohhh…

steve: Can we paint your face, with like children’s paints?

ricky: Yeah!

karl: No, I’m not doing all that.

ricky: Why?

steve: Because that would be silly!

ricky: Oh please, Karl. Do this- do it – we’ll do it for charity. We’ll do it for charity, yeah.

karl: All right.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: We’ll do it for Children in Need.

ricky: Please! Just phone in if you – if you can help us, lift Karl up, 30 feet. Let’s say 30 feet.

steve: I think it has to be a decent,

ricky: Yeah, it has to be a decent height.

steve: Wh- is there a world record, ‘cause we want to break that, if we’re gonna do it.

ricky: Yeah, we wanna break that. What is the world record, for raising a man by balloons.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Ok, so listen, let’s just finalise details here,

ricky: Ohh. I am so excited.

steve: We’ve got uh, email address – [email protected],

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: [email protected]

ricky: What’s the number? What’s the number?

steve: The number, Karl?

karl: 08700 800 1234.

steve: Do it again? Give it again?

ricky: Lift Karl. Lift Karl.

karl: 08700 800 1234.

ricky: As sponsored by Heat Magazine or something like that,

steve: And even, maybe you’ve just even got an idea, about how we might be able to organise it, how we might be able to get it done, if you’ve got contacts, anything. Just get in touch, give us some information.

ricky: Oh. Hoh. That’d be great. I’m gonna play a Beatles track for Song For The, For The Lovers.

steve: Oh, wow.

ricky: It’s off the Help album, and it’s um, You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away. Oh, just think of his little face, as he goes up –

karl: Is it televised?

ricky: Yeah!

ricky: Well, Xfm, it’s almost nearly the end of the show, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, we’ve enjoyed company, Karl. We’re gonna try and get Karl in the air, anyone that can help us, take him up with helium balloons. Um, our friend Johnny Mango, called again, and uh, apparently the record is 11,000 feet. Karl is gettin’ a little bit nervous.

steve: Yeah, the world record is 11,631 feet, raised by a hot air balloons.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: How – how tall’s, uh, Canary Wharf?

steve: It’s 11,631 feet. Exactly. I don’t know, Karl.

karl: Is it – how much higher?

steve: It’s a long way.

ricky: More. Lot more.

steve: ‘Cause I’m like, 6 foot, something.

ricky: Yeah, think of that. Just, look at Steve.

steve: All right?

ricky: Yeah?

karl: But you can change a record, you could say, Well, the sort of balloons of the one with, with Mickey Mouse on it or something.

ricky: Yeah, could I just say – could I just say something. That man, did 11,000 feet, but he wasn’t naked. All right?

steve: Come on, Karl!

ricky: You’ll be the – you’ll – 30 feet will be the world record for naked ballooning. Yeah?

karl: Mm.

ricky: Think about it.

steve: All right, it is for charity!

ricky: Well thank you for listening, everyone, we are gonna raise Karl. We are gonna raise Karl. And after, after, Karl said and just to think, My teacher said I’d never be a high flier. So this is your chance, Karl, to shine. To fly.

karl: We’ll see.

steve: It’ll be brilliant. Ah, this is a final Song For The Ladies. Belle and Sebastian. We’ve not heard uh, them for awhile. This is fro—it’s actaully a B side, or a triple side, or whatever you call it. Um, track 3 on a single called Jonathan David. This is the beautiful The Loneliness of the Middle Distance Runner. Play it.

ricky: Goodbye.

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