XFM Vault - S01E19 Transcript
Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.
ricky: That was the Travis and some flowers through my window.
ricky: This is Xfm 104.9 of a Saturday afternoon, just gone six minutes past one, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant. Hi.
steve: Hello there, hi good to talk to you.
ricky: Karl Pilkington is over there.
steve: Keeps it real.
steve: Respect, Karl.
steve: Rick I just think, you know, we wanna lift off the show straight away.
steve: Into the.. STRATOSphere.
steve: And erm the best way to do that, it seemed to me, is to resurrect a game we used to play when we first began the show in old XFM days .
ricky: Oh yeah.
steve: Do you remember the game, do you remember the game "Make Ricky Gervais..."
ricky: "Rub, rub me hard."
steve: Rub you hard? .
ricky: Oh no.
steve: No, that was only in the pilot, we never actually did that live on air.
steve: Um no it was the game "Make Ricky Gervais Laugh".
ricky: Oh, I remember, yeah.
steve: And we used to get people err, Karl you probably didn’t hear it, we used to get people to sort of send in pictures and jokes and stuff. And if I could make Ricky laugh on air with those.
ricky: He won a toffee.
steve: Then they won a gift of some kind.
steve: Anyway erm a lot of emails actually saying people love your laugh Rick, so in a sense were giving people what they want.
ricky: They must be taking the mickey.
steve: But this is a picture I found in today’s copy of the sun, so if err you're listening at home and you wanna know what the picture looks like rush out and buy a copy only 40p.
steve: And err.
ricky: Are we sponsored by The Sun, we do White Van Man.
steve: It amused me straight away this, because bear in mind,
steve: It is one of the worlds biggest rock stars.
steve: Just check out the face.
ricky: Oh that’s fantastic.
steve: Look at that.
ricky: Oh that is Michael Stipe oh dear with sort of glasses... looking like I dunno some sort of Nazi officer.
ricky: That’s not libelous.
steve: That’s not libelous, in your opinion Michael Stipe.
steve: He’s outside there during the press conference for Peter Buck's...
ricky: It’s not a good picture. I love I think I love REM and I love Michael Stipe. I think he’s a lovely man, but that’s a bad picture isn’t it.
steve: He’s got big glasses on and stubble and obvious … he doesn’t appear to be looking at anything. He’s looking right beyond everyone else.
steve: Can you see that Karl.
steve: I'll tell you who he looks like, he looks like Zig I think from Zig and Zag.
steve: He looks like he is a muppet….
ricky: Well there you go.
steve: ..Made of foam.
ricky: Nice to see that game come back.
ricky: Yeh .
steve: A roaring success.
ricky: On the medium of radio.
ricky: Oh what a good picture that is, I hope you enjoyed it. Coming up soon we’ve got Sir David of Bowie.
ricky: Nicholas cave, err and Travis, Flowers in the Window again.
ricky: Play a song.
ricky: Aerodynamic, on Xfm 104.9. S’alright.
steve: Uneventful wasn’t it.
ricky: Really, like they left a sequencer going for a little while.
steve: Popped out for a coffee.
ricky: Yeh I don’t wanna diss the funny little French lads.
ricky: But err you know.
steve: Try harder.
ricky: Are they French?
steve: Yeh oh god yeh.
steve: Do you speak much French Rick?.
ricky: I speak “un peu”.
steve: I can ask where is the tourist information bureau, and erm I like, I can express my preference in music taste, and I can order an Orangina, and that’s all I can do.
ricky: I know un bière, blonde, pression, I think that means erm draught, you French.
steve: Tu aime le music folk?
ricky: That’s filthy. Do you know what that means Karl?
karl: No go on.
ricky: Really dirty.
ricky: Really dirty.
steve: Tu aime le music folk?
ricky: Yeh you dirty…
karl: Doesn’t affect me.
ricky: You filthy little.
karl: Oh right.
steve: Do you know much French, Karl?
karl: Erm, have you got any fromage?
ricky: That’d work.
karl: Is that cheese or fish?
steve: That’d be fine.
ricky: Its cheese, its cheese.
steve: Would you not care which one you were given? You like both.
karl: I think...
ricky: That’s a whole different kettle of poisson.
karl: Yeh. Yeh.
karl: I just think when you’re in, in a country you should have a little go.
steve: That’s a very little go.
ricky: Yeh you mean like football hooligans have a little go, what do you mean?
karl: You know try and have a go at their err.
karl: Their language and that.
ricky: Well what I do is I go in there and I point and talk a bit louder than usual, in perfect English.
ricky: And if they don’t get it, I go mental.
ricky: Secure in the fact that I’ve tried my best and they’re having a laugh.
steve: And that is the prerogative of all Englishmen.
karl: Or just point.
steve: Point and shout.
ricky: Yeh. Point and shout, don’t forget you know because you can never be foreign if your English anywhere, no. They’re speaking funny. Just remember that, yeh.
steve: “God save our..”
steve: Sorry go on then you were going to say something else.
ricky: Yeh erm that picture you were showing me was I wish we could post one on the website of Karl you know when we won that we won an award ages ago, what was it called? The British Radio Authority award.
ricky: And erm we made Karl get in the picture, and he was a bit (inaudible) and everything but it came out nice, but his head is perfectly circular.
ricky: I put a coin on it, and it and only the ears popped out from behind the coin, isn’t it perfectly round, isn’t it?
karl: I mean when you’ve been saying I’ve got a round head, I was a bit like “Yeh everyone has, stop having a go."
karl: And then I saw this picture last week, I thought “God he’s right."
ricky: Can we...
karl: It is...
ricky: Can’t we just pop it on the Xfm website?
karl: I’d rather not.
ricky: Oh go on.
karl: Steve have you seen that man in a jar without a brain?
steve: Sorry you’ll... is that something… is that a product you can buy?
steve: In like Sainsbury’s?
ricky: Is it a dream you had yesterday?
steve: Man in a Jar.
ricky: “Yes hello, erm could you make my dream into reality please?’ “We can’t actually sir.” “In err plastic would be good.”
steve: Sorry what do you mean...
ricky: In the future you’ll be able to download your dreams and then just like act them out again probably in the year 2000 or summit.
karl: No there’s some museum somewhere.
karl: That’s got this little fella, who was born without a brain, and he’s in a jar and it’s just that he’s got a really round head.
karl: And when I saw this picture I thought, god it just reminded me of this little fella in a jar.
ricky: Hold on what do you mean he’s born without a brain.
karl: He was born without a brain.
ricky: So it’s a baby?
steve: It’s not a little fella.
karl: Yeh but its weird.
ricky: Do you know the difference, do you have conversations with like people in prams thinking, That fella’s little and he doesn’t talk much!
ricky: You know babies aren’t like little people?
karl: We’ll maybe.
ricky: Well they are little people but I mean they’re not, they’re not very small adults. They’re not like midgets.
steve: They don’t do a job of work is what Ricky’s saying.
ricky: Yeh… what do you mean?.
karl: I didn’t read about it I just saw the picture and…
steve: This is where you’re going wrong Karl, this is always your mistake, you see the picture, you don’t read the little caption underneath.
ricky: But what do you mean how…
steve: You guess at what you think the meaning is.
ricky: But how do you know he didn’t have a brain?
karl: It said something like The Brainless Man.
ricky: Yeh but most people say that about you. It doesn’t mean literally you haven’t got a spinal...
karl: No no. I bet somebody’s seen it and knows what I mean, it’s a famous picture.
ricky: Right call in, 08700 800 1234, once again, you win a prize if you can tell us what Karl is talking about.
ricky: Just in general, it’s an on going competition.
ricky: We’ll try and find some CDs for anyone who knows what Karl is talking about.
ricky: Stereophonics Vegas Two Times, well we've had calls confirming that there was indeed a um faetus or, or a stillborn child.
steve: A pickled baby
ricky: A pickled baby, no wonder it died, born without a brain erm but everyone has um you know pointed out it wasn't a little fella.
steve: It certainly wasn't a little fella.
ricky: No, no.
karl: Yeah but because it had been in the jar for a long time I think it had aged a bit.
steve: What are you basing that on?
ricky: You do carry on growing, yeah.
steve: Of course
karl: Your ears and your nose
ricky: Your ears and your nose and your eyes don't grow so er.
ricky: You could probably...yeah.
karl: I'll dig it out for you.
steve: Imagine if, if like there was an experiment where they were raising a child just based on the information that we said on the radio.
steve: What kind of a person would they be?
ricky: It was like download, yeah, yeah, yeah.
steve: What kind of information would they have?
ricky: And it took everything literally.
ricky: Nothing,yeah there was there was no irony or yeah, it was just.
steve: It was just everything we said it assumed was fact, everything Karl said they assumed was factual.
ricky: And any question, any question it had about the world it could just ask Karl.
ricky: And it would be.
steve: Now you see this worries me without wishing to be disrespectful in any way, you know I think you're the best man on earth, when you have a child we could be in a situation a bit like that. Is it a concern for you do you think when your son is growing or your daughter and there askin' you questions, you're conscious, I mean you yourself have admitted.
karl: I'd just say...
steve: You have a sphere of knowledge which you are an expert on.
karl: 'Ask you mother'.
steve: You'd say 'Ask your mother'.
ricky: That's good.
steve: That's great, fair enough.
ricky: That's good.
karl: And I'd play with it, I think I'd be a good dad.
ricky: Yeah I think you would.
karl: But I wouldn't be the one shouting at it.
ricky: No, who would you get to shout at it probably Windsor Davis, he'd be good wouldn't he. "You horrible little man".
karl: You know I'd tell it the rights and wrong, you don't have to be a really bright person to know rights and wrong in the world.
ricky: No, I think you are bright Karl.
steve: You are, and at what point in their um in their life would you tell them the about evolution of the baguette? Which you told us the other week.
ricky: Or the story of the bee.
ricky: That you scored once.
steve: Or the two children, would you ever get them to meet, as maybe I dunno they could be god-parents, the friends you had at school.
steve: With the webbed hands.
ricky: The big heads and the webbed hands.
karl: They weren't me friends.
ricky: That weren't friends.
steve: I wish we could track them down.
ricky: Arr they'd be great.
steve: I imagine they're in a zoo or something.
steve: Oh wow.
ricky: Or two big jars.
steve: A safari park, yeah.
ricky: Or two big jars, industrial strength jars.
ricky: Oh dear.
steve: Oh man.
ricky: Guess what.
steve: Go on.
ricky: This is one of our last shows, were going away I’m afraid on the erm fourth of May isn’t it.
steve: I can’t remember.
ricky: That’s our last show the fourth of May erm.
karl: Yeh not forever.
ricky: I brought a downer on the whole thing then didn’t I.
ricky: There’s people cheering away. Guess who’s taking over from us. And I found this out, I was watching Liquid News the other night.
ricky: No one had called me… Zoë Ball.
steve: Well she’s a good presenter but is this confirmed?
ricky: I don’t know, should I have said that?
steve: Is this true?
karl: Err, yeh I think it’s alright, well yeh you’ve done it now. She was in the other day you watched it on the telly so.
steve: But what annoys me is, this is rather like when we got, according to last weeks Media Guardian, we got rapped for err saying the word ‘cock’ on the radio, and erm we never did did we? that was, we had to read that on the internet, no one ever told us.
ricky: That just slipped out of your mouth didn’t it?
steve: What’s that, ‘cock?’
karl: Yeh so anyway.
steve: And erm now we don’t even get told face to face that Zoë Ball’s gunna take over.
karl: Yeh but it was only like sorted out the other day, and when I saw you the other day.
ricky: We’re allowed to say 'ball' aren’t we?
karl: Yeh when I saw you yesterday, I said yeh it’s... .
ricky: So were not allowed to say.
ricky: No I. No I'm not going to say the word, were not going to say, were not allowed to say the, we are allowed to say the male bird is a ‘cock.’ But were not allowed to say the other one, but we are allowed to say ‘ball’.
ricky: What if her and her dad, Bobby, would they be, would we be allowed to say they’re ‘a pair of balls.’ We’d be allowed to say that, I don’t know.
karl: I don’t think he's part of the deal.
karl: So you don’t need to.
ricky: In fact if she’s listening call in and confirm it, we’ll let her on the air won’t we. As long as she doesn’t swear.
steve: Yeh don’t be rude.
ricky: Yeh don’t be rude Zoë.
steve: Don’t be cheap basically.
ricky: Better warn her as well not to leave too much, nothing lying around, cos it will be gone. Especially if its skag.
ricky: Echo and the Bunny Men, Killing Moon. Good to hear that again.
ricky: On Xfm 104.9.
steve: Who are you?
ricky: I’m Ricky Gervais, who are you?
steve: Steve Merchant.
ricky: Who’s that funny little round headed fella over there?
steve: Karl Pilkington.
ricky: Pilk, Pilkie.
karl: Well she hasn’t called, so it musn’t be true.
ricky: I hope she didn’t think we were, um, being disrespectful to her, because we both think she’s a fine presenter and I think she’ll do very well on here, I think it’s a good move as well.
karl: Yeah but can you just say that it’s not, not forever?
steve: Isn’t it?
steve: I think she’ll, I think she’ll become more popular than us. Well she can...
ricky: And I think, I think, I think that will be the end of us to be honest.
steve: Well she can string a sentence together.
ricky: Think she’ll get lots of PR out of it. And she goes out with big boy Slim.
steve: Big boy Slim
ricky: Who’s, ah, you know...
steve: A good DJ.
ricky: He’s a good DJ. And ah, is her name “Zoe Slim” now?
ricky: Right, um, and ah you know, we’ll be nothing.
ricky: It’s three months innit she’s taking over for? Is she getting paid the same as us?
karl: I don’t know.
steve: I bet it’s...
ricky: Well find out.
steve: I bet it’s a hell of a lot more.
ricky: I’ll go mental.
steve: I bet it’s good money. It’s good work.
ricky: I’ll go, I’ll go mental.
karl: Yeah well.
ricky: Well, there you go, what are you going to do?
karl: I’m ah...
ricky: For Three months?
karl: I, I’m going to have Saturdays off.
steve: Is she...
ricky: What are you going to do?
karl: I don’t know.
steve: Are you going to present with her? Are you going to come on and press the buttons?
ricky: He’s not allowed.
steve: No, I do, I hope no ah ‘cause you’re our...
steve: ...whipping boy um presen.. ah co-presenter.
ricky: Yeah. You’re like our little fella in a jar.
ricky: It’s like ah...
steve: In fact that’s what we should do with you over the next, ah, three months.
steve: Keep you in a jar and then we can have it in a-alternate weeks, like um like step parents or whatever.
ricky: Yeah, yeah. That would be great wouldn’t it?
steve: Brilliant just you can be in a jar.
ricky: Or me and Steve can fight for custody.
steve: Yeah. It’ll be a big jar though you can, you can put stuff in there.
ricky: You can, yeah you can have, it won’t be, it won’t be like um full of water, or, or vinegar or whatever they do or formaldehyde.
steve: You won’t become pickled Karl.
ricky: No. It’ll be, it’ll be like an air, a big air chamber and you’re sat, sat there and it’d be like a little. What would it be like, in an armchair or summat?
steve: He’d be in an armchair and we’d, and we’d have stuff in there and we’d bring your girlfriend like once a week and she’d go, no we’d put a blanket over the top so we wouldn’t, you know, see anything.
ricky: But like the Big Brother household.
steve: Now that’s a hell of a documentary.
ricky: Oh! That’d be amazing wouldn’t it?
steve: “Karl in a Jar!”
ricky: But anyway that’s what, so we’re going away on the fourth of May for 12 weeks.
steve: It’s a long time isn’t it?
ricky: We, we’re doing the second series of The Office so we can’t be around I’m afraid. And, and, ah, Zoe Ball’s standing in for us. And, ah...
steve: That can’t be right, she’s not, I don’t think you can say “standing in for us”.
ricky: Isn’t that right?
steve: Taking over the show, I think would be fairer to say.
ricky: I don’t know. I’ve got, I can’t say anything now can ya? I’m worried about that. Just because she goes out with big boy Slim.
ricky: You gotta be careful what you say.
steve: Yeah. Karl you look upset.
ricky: He’s starting thinking he’ll be getting melancholy now that you’re just gonna sit at home. What you gonna do every Saturday?
karl: Don’t know, go shopping.
ricky: Let’s sort out a jar. ‘cause we gotta do the balloons before then as well, we gotta send you up in a balloon. Maybe, send you up in a balloon and you come straight down into a big jar.
ricky: And then put a, like a...
steve: And we’ll put a giant cork in straight away.
ricky: Yeah, yeah, and there’s a big chair.
steve: I’ll tell you what we could do, we could set you adrift like Robinson Crusoe sent a bottle and see where you end up.
ricky: “If you find me”, yeah you might end up on an uninhabited island or summat.
karl: I’ll tell you something that I learnt in the week.
ricky: Go on.
karl: That you just reminded me there, about going up in the air.
ricky: Go on.
karl: Right, if cars could drive up...
karl: It’d only take an hour to get into space.
steve: Which is great.
ricky: Going how fast?
karl: Uhhh ‘bout 50 miles an hour.
ricky: You just made that up didn’t ya?
ricky: You just plucked that out didn’t ya? You just plucked, you just guessed that. You just guessed that, you just said “about 50.”
karl: Yeah but...
steve: See well, this is what worries me. If you have a, if you have a son or a daughter.
steve: Age, aged 15.
steve: He’s going to be out in the street with a ramp, pointing into the sky.
ricky: “Dad, dad how long do elephants live?”
ricky: “’bout a thousand years”
ricky: “Thousand or summat”.
karl: I wouldn’t say anything.
ricky: “Dad how much can an ant lift?”
ricky: “’bout a, ‘bout a quarter of a kilogram. Probably.”
ricky: “’bout two bags of sugar”.
steve: If you guess, it’s not fact.
ricky: Yeah, it, just ‘cause you’ve thought it, that doesn’t make it fact. Does anyone know how long it would take a car going 50 miles an hour...
steve: Let’s not get people...
ricky: ... to get into space?
steve: ...people are phoning in about anything now Rick.
steve: We asked them to phone in about the jar thing...
steve: Switchboard lit up! It’s crazy. You know you ask them to phone in about something sensible...
steve: ...like Che Guevara...
steve: ...or, you know, the life of ...
ricky: I love the fact that that...
steve: ...Winston Churchill and there’s nothing.
ricky: ...that is really a demographic sort of snapshot
ricky: ...of our fans.
steve: Of our audience.
ricky: Ask ‘em about a dead baby without a brain...
steve: Oh yeah, straight on the phone.
ricky: ...and they were reaching for the phones they don’t mind what their bill is that month.
steve: Yeah, we ask them for a, you know, I don’t know, great quotes or something...
steve: ...from the great philosophers; nothing!
ricky: They’re just looking at the phone.
steve: You know, you ask them where you can buy, you know, meths cheap...
steve: ..straight on the phone.
karl: You know the quotes that Ricky gave me last week and I turned them down?
karl: I got home; girlfriend had a go at me.
ricky: They don’t know that you turned ‘em down. What you know is that...
ricky: ...he said he didn’t want to take the book at the end of the show he said “I’m not takin’ it it’s too difficult, I’m gonna go get a nice one”. And, go on, carry on.
karl: Yeah so I went home and, ah, Suzanne said “Where’s the book?” She was really looking forward to having a look at it. I said “oh, I gave it him back”. I wasn’t up for that, and yet last week I was ill and stuff, I wasn’t in the mood for learning.
karl: I wasn’t having any of it. She goes “this is where you went wrong at school”.
karl: She that “this is exactly where you went wrong”. She said “you know, you liked infants.”
karl: “you liked, ah, you know, your colouring in and painting stuff”; said “but soon as it gets to the heavy stuff you just, you know, you’re like a horse with its blinkers on”.
karl: She said “You just shut yourself away”. So I said, “No, I could have done if I wanted to”. So anyway, um, we went a bought a quotations book so I have got some quotes for today.
ricky: Yeah what’s the quotation book you bought? So I was asking him to ah read Keats and Wilde, Wordsworth, Shakespeare and tha’; what did you buy?
karl: It’s, it’s, quotes with like Eric and Ernie and that innit?
karl: No, but it’s still quotes.
ricky: They’re still quotes yeah.
steve: The Sesame Street book of quotes? Brilliant.
ricky: “They’re still quotes”.
steve: No that’s, that’s still valid, no, it’s a starting point.
steve: It’s a starting point.
steve: Well we’ll have some quotes...
ricky: Well, we’ll have some of that after the...
steve: ...coming up later.
steve: Well we’ve got a lot more to get though before we get to those quotes.
ricky: Got a bit o’ New Order.
karl: Bit o’ New Order.
steve: Bang it on.
ricky: New Order, Here to Stay. On Xfm 104.9. Someone, I, I love our listeners, I really do, right. Ah, someone just called in and said “It’s about putting”, he went “hello”, Karl answers the phones, bloke said “hello”, he went “hello” and said “yeah about putting Karl in a big jar”, and Karl went “...go on”.
ricky: And the bloke went “well then you could call him Karl Pickleton” and he went “thanks”.
ricky: I love them bothering, I love Karl Pickleton, that’s lovely, that’s so sweet. He spent 50p to tell you that and you were worried, you just saw you going up in a balloon and landing in a jar again, didn’t ya’?
ricky: What have you gone through yet? You’ve had nothing but good feedback from this show now and now you’re just getting all worried aren’t ya? Heat magazine say you’re a genius, you got your picture in that extracts magazine with a little round head, you have jaffa cakes, I gave him a fiver the other week to buy biscuits. He’s having the time of his life, it’s the best day, ah, this must be your best two hours of the week.
karl: I enjoy it yeah.
karl: It’s alright sometimes, yeah.
ricky: Yeah? What’s a, what’s better regular than this for you? What’s a better two hours a week?
ricky: Sleep doesn’t count.
karl: Um. Actually you’re probably right, it might be this.
karl: Yeah. Or,um, that 24 thing’s good.
ricky: Alright. Yeah.
steve: Probably worth mentioning...
steve: Yeah your girlfriend.
ricky: Your girlfriend.
karl: Yeah, well that goes without saying doesn’t it?
ricky: Ah, he’s done it.
steve: Nice one.
ricky: He’s pulled it ‘round. He’s pulled it ‘round, he’s a charmer.
karl: If she could come in and sit in the corner, then yeah, it would be the best time ever.
steve: That’s pretty sweet, actually.
karl: And she’s not even in London at the moment.
ricky: Oh well say what you want then.
karl: So I didn’t have to say that.
steve: You didn’t have to say it and you did anyway.
steve: That’s lovely.
karl: She, she might be listening somewhere.
ricky: Yeah, Sky Digital innit? There’s always that. There’s...
steve: There’s always that danger.
ricky: Yeah, anyway Steve, over to you.
steve: Well I um, I just, well sorry, ‘cause obviously I, I’ve had an exciting week relatively speaking Rick.
steve: ‘cause instead of just spending it all with you.
steve: In that little room.
steve: Um, as is our way.
steve: I’ve been doing some acting this week as you know.
ricky: I know, I know.
steve: And, ah, I don’t normally act ah but I um, basically there are some people at the BBC who are making a, ah, comedy pilot, kinda comedy TV show and uh, you know and I auditioned for it and the role was to play a, ah, sort of freaky looking, sort of lanky geek. You know and ah, I don’t wanna sound...
ricky: How did you, how did you beat off all the...
steve: I don’t want, I don’t want to sound arrogant Rick, but they gave the me the job on the spot.
steve: You know, so it was like, you know, ah, obviously ah you know, ‘cause I’m not a bad actor, I’m not as good as Rick, but I’m, you know but I’m...
ricky: What was the, what was is ah, uh...?
steve: It’s a, it’s a, I play a very tall guy, like a sort of...
ricky: That’s the part ah, that’s the part though isn’t it? About you got a beard?
steve: I’m a character who’s, ah six foot seven inches tall and I’m trying to win the world’s, ah, tallest man competition.
ricky: That’s it, that’s it, yeah, yeah.
steve: But, ah, there’s always a man that beats me every year ‘cause he’s slightly taller, but this year I think for some reason, because I’ve been training that I can beat ‘im.
ricky: That’s the conflict.
steve: And um, yeah, Sally Phillips, I don’t know if you know Sally Phillips, she, she’s a very good, ah, writer and comedy actress and she’s written it. And so it was good fun and I went down there and it was good and everything and I had a little trailer and everything, it was like the proper deal, it was really good and, um, the problem was that yesterday I had to dance. One of the sequences has me dance. Now as you know that I think I’m a pretty groovy dancer.
steve: I’m pretty, I’m a bit of a mover.
steve: And, I have to tell you this Rick.
ricky: Did you have anyone’s eye out with your elbow?
steve: I have come to some pretty serious realisations about my dancing.
steve: I was moving ‘round like a shire horse dancing.
steve: It was terrible, I was just like creaking, ‘cause they had this choreographer that was trying to show me some moves and it was just like...
ricky: ‘cause he, he was just like crying near the end of it.
steve: It was so bad but the worst thing about it is… today, my whole body is ravaged with pain and agony, it’s—I’m utterly devastated by the, the agony of it. Tried to get down the stairs this morning, I swear to God, I looked like Thora Hird.
steve: Trying to hobble down—it was mad. I was like I’d had several hip replacements. I was like—I had to go down at an angle, going down the stairs, and it was ludicrous, I was really worried, suddenly I’m thinking—‘cause I thought was pretty fit and…
steve: …pretty groovy and everything.
steve: And I had been discussing with uhm this mate of mine, my housemate, that we should maybe do—start doing some exercise, because I’m putting on a little bit of weight, right, he’s quite a thin tall guy, he has a belly… I don’t know how to summarize it, have you ever seen the film “Junior” with Arnold Schwarzenegger?
steve: It looks like that.
steve: It’s slightly grotesque, so the two of us were—so we suggested, we decided that we were gonna do some exercise together, right, this is what we’re gonna do, each morning we were gonna get up, we’re gonna exercise together…
ricky: That won’t happen.
steve: …right—well, no, but wait, Rick. You see, you’re wrong because… a couple of days ago I said to him, listen, what we should do is get one of those, like, health videos, you know, those kind of training videos, what are they called, like uhm… I don’t know, they might have an aerobics thing or…
steve: …a sort of hour-long workout. And I said to him, get one of the ones that’s hosted by like uhm…
ricky: Pauline Quirke.
steve: …Elle Macpherson or Cindy Crawford, you know, you know, someone like that, someone sexy, right? So I swear to God, we went down this morning, we put it on, right? Just want you to picture this scene, right? It’s me, and my mate, in our shorts, right, 9 o’clock in the morning, working out…
ricky: You didn’t actually do it.
steve: …to Helen from Big Brother’s video…
steve: …right? That was—“It was the cheapest one, Steve,” he told me. Thanks very much, mate.
ricky: We saw that advertised as well.
steve: Yeah. Workin’ out, right, and the two of us in our shorts, she’s there like—you know, she’s the closest there is to a living Homer Simpson, right, shoutin’ out and stuff… I just wanted to be reassured, Rick, there’s nothing gay about that, is there?
steve: There’s nothing a touch… kind of fruity about that image.
ricky: No, I mean, I th—the ones you do avoid would be sort of “Liza Minelli Workout”…
steve: Right. Cher.
ricky: …uhm Graham Norton, obviously…
steve: Yeah. Dale Winton.
ricky: …uhm Gay Byrne.
steve: Right. Sure.
ricky: He’s not gay…
ricky: …but, I mean, the name’s a little bit gay, isn’t it?
steve: Yep. Yeah yeah yeah.
ricky: So I think Hel—Helen from Big Brother, you’re probably safe.
steve: Uhm hm.
ricky: Uhm… who else, who else, I don’t know, I don’t know what else to tell you, really. Uhm…
steve: But I know—‘cause I know you’ve got a personal trainer, I’m obviously not in that kind of stakes, the kind of stakes—I don’t have that kind of cash.
steve: But uhm… you know, I’m obviously quite excited, what have I got to look forward to, do, do I go through a pain barrier?
ricky: My, my, my uh trainer, Pink Eric, we call him…
ricky: No I uhm… I sort of box a little bit.
steve: But do I—what I’m saying is, do I go through a pain barrier? ‘Cause obviously I…
ricky: No no no, I stop way before that.
ricky: And I sit down… and have a beer.
ricky: You don—there’s no, there’s no point in going through pain…
ricky: …because it’ll just put you off.
ricky: So uhm if, if, if you… you know, start feeling any sort of pain or, or any uhm breathlessness, or any aches, sit down immediately.
steve: Is it right that he’s worked out a special routine for you where you don’t have to get up?
ricky: Yeah well he actually said, I remember the fir—I, I got out my food diary, and he was looking at it, and I could see he was, he sort of feared it, he feared taking on this challenge. And, this is a true quote, at one point, he, he said, right, uhm, “Okay, cut cheese down to five times a week then,” I must’ve haggled from four.
ricky: Cheese down to five times a week.
ricky: And it, it’s sort of like… I’m my own worst enemy. ‘Cause if I cut out cheese and beer, I would just lose weight like tha—it would drop off me in a month. So what I’m doing, I’m li—just, I’m fighting it all the time, I’m… I haven’t changed my sort of eating and drinking habits. But I now work out three times a week—it is an uphill struggle, Steve.
steve: Yeah, of course, of course.
ricky: It’s just…
steve: You’re just keeping it at an even keel.
ricky: I know, well I, uh… yeah. So I can live longer to eat more cheese and beer.
steve: Do you exercise, Karl, do you do any exercise whatsoever?
karl: I u—, I used to go to a gym in town but it wasn’t the sort of, the hard work I do in the, you know, the stuff, it was just that—it was like, 60 quid a month.
karl: And I thought, well…
steve: Crazy, isn’t it?
karl: …that’s not good. So I just go out of me way to sort of walk everywhere. D’you know what I mean, instead of jumpin’ on a bus… like a nice day like today… walk in to work. Or uh… you know, run up the stairs.
ricky: You’re skinny, though.
steve: You run up the stairs.
ricky: You’re really skinny, though.
karl: No but I, I do eat a lot of, like, crappy food so I reckon…
karl: …I mean, what do they say, when you get to thirty it all just… you go mental, don’t ya?
ricky: Yeah they say that, play a record.
ricky: That’s the—who says tha—that’s the philosophers, isn’t it?
karl: No, no you just…
ricky: When you get to thirty you go mental.
karl: No, I mean…
steve: Oh, Descartes.
ricky: Yeah, I think so.
steve: Oh, I don’t know.
ricky: Play a record.
karl: Bit o’ Bowie?
ricky: Oh yeah, oh, I brought this in, you’ll love this, Steve—oh you know this, I think, I’m sure. This is a, a, a great Bowie track off “Aladdin Sane,” one of my favorite albums, and this is “Lady Grinning Soul.” It’s, it’s beautiful.
ricky: Badly Drawn Boy, “Silent Sigh,” on Xfm 104.9… I’m Ricky Gervais, you can do your own…
steve: Oh right, okay, my name’s Stephen Merchant.
ricky: Yeah, Karl…
karl: I’m Karl.
steve: You’ve not… you’ve not lost interest, have you, Rick?
ricky: Uh… no, ‘course I haven’t.
steve: Okay. God.
ricky: I’ve said it—I’ve said it once, I get—I was a bit bored with just saying your names.
ricky: I don’t mind saying mine ‘cause I’m sort of interested in that…
steve: Yeah. Sure.
ricky: …but the other ones are sort of more of a chore, you know what I mean, there’s nothing in it for me.
steve: Yeah, there’s no actual personal gain.
ricky: I’d rather not mention either of ya.
ricky: So if you wanna do it… from now on…
steve: Yeah. Yeah.
steve: Yeah. Oookee. Ahm well, listen, uhm obviously still got plenty to come, we’ve obviously got some great music, Rick…
ricky: Uhm… oh I’ve got uhm… a bit of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, uhm actually an album you introduced me to, and I want to play uhm… “Into My Arms.”
steve: Looking forward to it.
ricky: And you know how beautiful that song is.
steve: That’s true enough.
steve: Uhm but uh I was just, obviously I was talking about this little bit of acting I was doing yesterday and ah… not wishing to be disrespectful to anyone that was involved, but there was uhm obviously some extras or supporting artists, as I believe they’re known, and, you know, all good—lovely people, really putting the effort in, doing good work and everything. But there’s this one guy I was stood next to, and you know he’s quite a tall guy, uh not as quite as tall as me but a tall guy, you know, quite a good-looking bloke or whatever, and uh… I just sat there, and it—obviously it gets quite boring because a lot of it is just hanging around and people waiting and stuff, fixing lights. I just stood next to him and he just went, “Oh…” He was looking for something to say to me obviously and he went, “Looking forward to the new Guns N’ Roses album?”
steve: And I went, “I didn’t realize there was one on the way, actually,” and he went, “Yeah, yeah, obviously they uh… uh Slash won’t be in it, ‘cause obviously Slash is no longer with them but uh…”
steve: “…God, yeah,” (sings) ’Sweet child o’ mine!’ One of my, one of my favorites,” just started singing some of the songs. I went…
ricky: Without irony, I imagine.
steve: Absolutely without irony, he was just wanting to get onto a discussion into Guns N’ Roses, but I’ll tell you this, he did not look like a rocker in any way, he looked like a bloke who would work in sort of an accounting agency’s…
steve: …agency, yeah, or Barclays, yeah, behind the counter or something like that, very well-scrubbed, well-groomed.
ricky: Let me say there is nothing wrong with Barclays or the people who work therein.
steve: That’s true enough.
steve: So he goes, “Yeah, I mean I got into them with ‘Appetite for Destruction,’ the classic first album, uhm, but I even, you know, I enjoyed ‘The Spaghetti Incident’ as well. I mean I like all of them.” And I’m like, “Right, okay.” And he go—I said uhm… ah I said to him, “You ever seen them live or anything?” He went, “I have not seen them live, no, but I was lucky enough to be at Donington Monsters of Rock… and uh Slash’s Snake Pit was playing…”
steve: …which was Slash’s solo effort…
ricky: Yeah yeah.
steve: …and he went, “I’d never bee—I’d never been to those live gigs before. And uh I was down in the mosh pit. Aw, man alive, I was down there and I’ll tell you this—have you been in a mosh pit?” I went, “No,” he went, “Ugh, it’s crazy down there. It’s wild. A guy threw a punch at me, I punched him, knocked him straight out… he knocked me out, so this fight went off—aw, it’s amazing, it was amazing, amazing.” I went, “Are you gonna go back?” He went, “No I won’t, because once you’ve done summat like that, you can never repeat the uhm… the experience, you know, I mean I was… there—everyone there was dressed in black. I think I was the only guy wearing a white T-shirt.”
steve: I was like, “Okay,” I could just imagine him tucked in… as well… jeans…
ricky: That’s why, that’s why they attacked him.
ricky: It’s like ants. They…
steve: Yeah. Slash himself said, “Get the tall…!”
ricky: Yeah yeah, there’s a termite in the nest!
ricky: And they just turned on him.
steve: But, so, anyway, I go, “So, so do you go to gigs often?” He went, “No, I don’t think I’m ever gonna go to another rock gig.” And I said to him, “Why?” And he went, “I don’t think any gig I go to will be able to top the experience of seeing UB40 live.”
steve: And I… do you know what I mean, and I… almost did what you did.
ricky: Well, that’s, that’s why I’ve never seen ‘em live, ‘cause I don’t wanna end my life.
steve: But I almost laughed…
ricky: There would be no point there.
steve: …I thought it was a joke. I thought he was making a joke, and I was about to laugh, and I realized he was deadly serious, and I went…
steve: I went, ”Aw, good, were they?” He went, “Absolutely blinding.”
steve: “Uh one of the most incredible live performances I’ve ever seen.”
ricky: I imagine. Did they do songs in a sort of mock-reggae style…
steve: Apparently they did.
ricky: …for two hours? Excellent.
steve: And then he began to tell me which, which of his favorite—he went, “I, I don’t know if—” I said, “Have they, have they done anything recently? Put anything out?” He went, “I don’t think they’re gonna be able to top… uhm those classic albums ‘Baggariddim’…”
steve: “…and ‘Rat in the Kitchen.’”
ricky: I remember once when I went to sign on… okay, and it—I don’t know what year it was, it must’ve been like 1979 or summat, and uh my f—I’d left school, and uh… uhm, tell me if I’m wrong, if it wasn’t out then, but this bloke was at the back with sort of like a ghetto blaster, and he was playing “One in Ten”…
ricky: …obviously making a point, he was in a dole office…
ricky: …everyone ignored him, and when it finished playing he turned it down.
steve: Oh wow!
ricky: And he took, he took a number and queued.
steve: The days when they were a protest band!
ricky: When was that? What year was that, what year did it…
steve: Oh, I don’t know.
ricky: Someone can pinpoint that for me, phone in, 08700-800-1234. I know it had just come out.
steve: But uhm, but what was amazing is when he said that, about UB40 being the best live experience he’s ever seen, I th—it was one of those moments where you thought, “I never thought I’d hear someone say that.”
steve: Do you know what I mean, I don’t know why that, I can’t understand what kind of person you are. I suddenly realized at that moment there was such a chasm between us.
ricky: Is there anyone out there whose favorite band is UB40?
ricky: “Red Red Wine,” maybe.
ricky: UB40! Yeah.
ricky: Aw, they, they’re a great bunch of blokes, though, you see ‘em—they, they crack me up when I see them interviewed, they’re really funny. But uhm, once you’ve heard one, that’s pretty much it, isn’t it?
steve: Yeah. Absolutely.
ricky: I imagine. Oh I don’t know, maybe… I’m a philistine.
steve: Maybe there’s some hidden depths to them that we don’t understand, maybe some great tracks that you could…
steve: …point out if you’re a big fan.
ricky: Well I’m never gonna go and see ‘em because… why…
ricky: …no no! Why sort of like top your experiences…
ricky: …you know?
steve: ‘Cause you’re never gonna better it.
ricky: When I, when I know I’m definitely dyin’…
ricky: …I’ll go…
steve: You’ll summon them… to play for you.
ricky: (whispering) “Get me UB40! Get me UB40!”
steve: “Get me ‘Labour of Love’ live!”
ricky: (whispering) “Do… do ‘Rat in the Kitchen.’”
ricky: (whispering) “Now!”
steve: This is a little bit of a treat that I thought I would uh…
ricky: Go on.
steve: …charm you with, Rick. Uh from the Cure’s “Greatest Hits,” this was this double CD that they brought out recently including 18 acoustic versions of their greatest hits.
steve: This is the acoustic version…
ricky: What have you gone for?
steve: I’ve gone for, glad you’ve asked, “Just Like Heaven.”
ricky: Wise choice.
ricky: Xfm, 104.9. Lovely, that one.
steve: Brilliant, isn’t it, the acoustic version of “Just Like Heaven” from uh…
steve: …the Cure’s…
ricky: Like it.
steve: …double CD…
ricky: I’m lovin’ it, lovin’ it, lovin’ it.
steve: …greatest hits collection.
ricky: Now again I broke the rules in the week; I met up with Karl.
steve: You shouldn't have been doing.
ricky: I had lunch with him and we were chatting and having a cup of tee and it got on to one of Karl's favorite programmes 'The Tales of the Unexpected'.
steve: Harr, of course.
ricky: And all i could think is that he's probably the only person in Britain where they were unexpected.
ricky: I mean to him when that that twist came at the end he'd go "Ohh gee I can't".
ricky: "Oh god".
steve: "I can't believe".
ricky: "So it was the tree that did it". I mean he's probably the only, and I and we were telling all these stories of horror and he liked horror stories and that and I told him this story and I don't know whether this will come across on the radio and I told him this story, it was a short, it was a horror short.
steve: This was a film you saw was it?
ricky: Yeah yeah and um it started off there was this car crash a horrendous wreck and you saw it from the point of view of the person in the car and he was calling for his mate and he was going "Dave" and he sort of he sort of looked over and saw a body without a head that had been thrown and he goes "Oh no - Dave, Dave" and then in to the field of view came Dave his mate and looked at him with a look of horror then it sort of went black and you realised he was just a head and it had been his body.
steve: Oh wow.
ricky: And I said and then it came up at the end at the executions in the French revolution people experienced consciousness for you know, and he went he went "Ohh...no" he said, "You wouldn't it wouldn't be for that long", and then he went "If it was a chicken it would work".
ricky: Imagine remaking that film...
steve: Two chickens.
ricky: But with two chickens in horrendous car crash.
steve: Their own fault for driving, Rick.
ricky: It would work,"No, no" he wasn't havin' that.
ricky: "No it was too long" I think he said "How long was this film" I went about five minutes he went "No, it would work if it was a chicken".
steve: I like the way that Karl when you relate an incident like that he is appalled and offended and annoyed with the people that made it even though he has never seen it.
ricky: Oh he's annoyed yeah.
karl: I wanna see it, I think its a good idea.
karl: But they should have thought it through a bit more.
steve: Yeah, yeah. Do you have a favourite Tales of the Unexpected one you remember particularly that shook you up.
karl: Yeah we were talking about the one on erm where er there's some women in prison, have you seen that one?
steve: I can't remember them all.
karl: Right this women's in prison.
karl: And she gets a bit friendly with the guy that takes the dead bodies out.
karl: And er he says "I can get you out of here" said "What you got to do, right, you've got to er I dunno at midnight creep in".
ricky: "When you hear the bell toll that means there's been a dead body".
karl: Yeah "There's been a dead body so what you've got to is go into like the er place where all the dead bodies are and get in the first coffin on the right and then I'll come along and carry you out and you can run away and escape".
karl: Right so she goes "Yeah alright" so she hears the bell go.
ricky: No "I'll bury you right and then I'll come back later and dig you up" thats the point.
karl: That bit doesn't matter.
ricky: I does matter. Trust me Karl, it really matters.
karl: Right OK.
steve: Listen I don't know if I going to ruin this for people at home.
steve: Can I just skip to the end I would imagine that she gets buried and he doesn't come back and she has to get buried alive.
karl: No better than than that.
ricky: No she, she does it she gets into the coffin.
karl: Yeah sh sh sh.
ricky: Go on.
karl: Right, so she gets into the coffin and er shes lying there for ages.
ricky: She's buried.
karl: She can feel a bit of movement going on so obviously you know being carried somewhere, so she's thinking this is it i'm getting out, and er shes lying there for ages and thinking why isn't someone comeing along and lifting the lid off this, do know what I mean, letting me get out so she's really bored she gets a lighter out, right, lights it to have a look who she is lying on, its only the fella who said she he'd help escape.
karl: How bad is that?
steve: That is (laughs) "How bad is that?".
ricky: So it is quite important that she's buried alive then isn't it, in retrospect you realise that the jeopardy is that she's buried alive and can't get out.
karl: Yeah, yeah.
ricky: Yeah, makes it so much worse than just like lying in a morgue and going "actually i'm getting out of here".
ricky: "This isn't going to work".
steve: Look at Karl's face having told that.
steve: He is so pleased, his face is lit up, he's beaming like a child.
karl: Have you seen any?
ricky: Is that your favorite horror thing ever?
karl: Thats a good one and erm.
ricky: Let's see if anyone knows what the finger is.
karl: Oh yeah.
ricky: When that bloke was underground wiggling his finger.
karl: We were talking about one with er some fella who's stuck in the ground or something.
steve: This is a motif I notice in your particular favorite ones.
steve: People stuck in the ground.
karl: Yeah right.
steve: Go on.
karl: So ...
steve: This is a fella is it?
karl: Yeah a fella, stuck. Now I seem to remember it just being his foot, to be honest, being stuck in a hole.
ricky: No he was under the ground and he got a little thing out of the pavement and he put his finger up and wiggled it, to try and catch attention, then you see a women come along and her stiletto heel just knocks his finger off.
karl: You see, I wondering weather it was the same one as I saw.
ricky: Yeah there could be two like that couldn't there it's..
steve: They were running out of ideas by the last series.
ricky: It's a big theme in hollywood.
karl: Or erm, what was that one you told me about with the er with the porn, that was a good one.
ricky: Oh, this was fantastic ,right, right there was this er.
steve: Sorry can I just check now we're just remembering classic episodes of the tales of the unexpected now, are we.
ricky: No, no, this is important, I saw one right, I saw one on tales of the unexpectd, right, and it was um er these two gents um err what they used do to they'd look down the obituaries and they'd blackmail the um wife or the son of a dead eminent person like might be a priest or a doctor or summet and they'd go and they'd say "he bought some erotic stuff from us before he died and he owes a hundred guinnies" and all this sort of stuff and um they'd pay up becuase it was so embarrising they just didn't want, the so they'd just pay him,right.
ricky: And this one bloke said "who are these people? I'll meet with them" and he goes round there, and he goes round and they go "your father..." and he goes "my father could not have bought any erotic material from you" and they go "dedede" and he goes "he couldn't have; he's blind" ,right, and that was the twist and Karl went "so it was magasins not videos then".
karl: Yeah, now think about it steve is that so stupid?
steve: Well, presumably it was set in olden times.
steve: Because people...
karl: Arr right.
steve: Professional pornographers don't tend to call it, you know, erotic materials.
steve: They tend to call it, you know, juicy jugs or whatever.
steve: But more than that I don't understand how a video is going to be any use to a blind person either. I know that you can hear the sound, Karl.
steve: Look at him nodding like he's caught me out.
ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah what sound will you hear: (music from start of his stand-up Animals)
steve: Ooh aah.
ricky: "Your meter needs looking at?" "yes" cut. What's then? What's that? Then its just noises isn't it?
steve: Occasional groans.
ricky: Right, OK.
steve: You could listen through your wall at your neighbours.
ricky: He does.
steve: I mean that's why I save a lot of money.
steve: But, I thought you were going to point out, Karl, that they could of had a brail Porno. Now have you thought of that?
ricky: Yeah, feel the lumps on that.
steve: Exactly, think about it Karl!
ricky: Think about it!
steve: Your excited now.
steve: Your girlfriend's away Karl.
ricky: The cheese grater is only under the cupboard.
steve: Now shes a good looking lady...next we've got White Van Karl.
ricky: Star Sailor, Poor Misguided Fool. Well, it’s time…well.
steve: Go on.
ricky: That time innit.
steve: Yep, play the jingle.
ricky: Yeah. “White Van Man…Karl”
steve: Brilliant, recorded at great expense that jingle.
steve: Okay so this is where we just, err hijack an idea from The Sun which is White Van Man where The Sun asks umm in this instance a cabbie by the look of it. Oh no, a fruit and veg shop owner.
ricky: Ours is, ours is err ours is slightly different because The Sun sorta like umm err pick on a perfectly normal member of the public.
ricky: So that’s where we’ve got the twist.
steve: Yeah the upper hand.
steve: Yeah and err they ask him about the err you know the hot potatoes and umm this week Karl my first question to you err your err just well your thoughts please on the criticism of the BBC over their coverage of the Queen Mum’s death. What d’you make of this, you aware of all the criticism that Peter Sissons asked some probing questions and he wore a burgundy tie?
ricky: I thought, that’s it yea he just had a… didn’t show respect he just had a burgundy tie on.
karl: See that, that’s not really not showin’ respect is it?
ricky: No its not.
karl: You know, you show your respect by sort of doin’ the news on it, givin’ her a bit of coverage and showin’ what a good woman she was and whatever.
karl: And then you move onto sport news or whatever.
karl: D’you know what I mean?
ricky: Yep I totally agree.
karl: I don’t like the way everything’s morbid, I was thinkin’ about it umm it’s like umm you know that way in birthday cards and that people always put funny things in them. I think you should save things like that for funerals for like funeral cards and that and try and cheer people up at times when they’re low. D’you know what I mean? Cause on your birthday you’re quite happy anyway so you don’t need someone putting a funny comment in a card I think you know when you send a card…
ricky: What would you suggest?
karl: Well you know erm…
ricky: Whoopee cushion put on the vicars chair? What? How would you lighten up a funeral?
karl: Just little things in the card I mean just writing stuff like “Well you know at least you’re still alive” or whatever.
steve: So as you’re giving the eulogy…
ricky: So oh that’d be good so when so suppose someone’s husband is killed in a car crash you go round with some flowers and the little card and it says “At least you’re still alive”.
karl: Well maybe something funnier than that.
steve: Well maybe like if you got up to do the eulogy during a funeral just wear a pair of comedy tits?
ricky: Yeah, or those glasses that are eyes on sort of springs.
karl: But why have…why has everyone got to be so sad about someone dying?
ricky: I agree. No what annoys me is that when you see people on television sort of members of the public and they’re crying about the Queen Mother who was sad when anyone dies, sad when anyone’s Nan dies. She was 102 and um what you know what I mean it sort of like I think they think they should cry…I don’t understand it.
steve: Well there’s a picture in the paper today of various people who were lining the pre umm you know the funeral route yesterday and there’s a picture of a very young child maybe sort of five or six on the arms of her dad and her head bowed and it says, “A young girl there weeps for the Queen Mother” and I was looking at it and she, you can tell she’s just tired. She’s just tired and bored and it’s so transparent that she’s not crying.
ricky: Most people don’t cry when their Nan dies.
ricky: You know its sort of like…
steve: But what is a five year old girl gonna be… why is she gonna be crying? The Queen Mum’s dead. “I can’t believe it, Teletubbies?” No the Queen Mum. “Not the Tweenies” No it’s on in a minute.
karl: Yeah, you’re right.
steve: I mean I know I’m sure that you know I don’t know much about her, I don’t know if she was a great woman and obviously you know it’s always sad when someone dies but its like it’s interesting that there was a lot of tourists in that long line of people that are now queuing for hours upon hours to see her lying in state. Because it’s clearly just people who want to be part of history.
ricky: It must be gutting if you’re over from Sweden and you find out that you know the Queen Mum’s died.
steve: Oh he must be devastated.
ricky: You probably don’t want to carry on with you’re visit…really.
steve: Exactly. Okay listen Karl umm…
karl: Think we’ve covered that.
steve: What do you make of the umm the first genetically modified baby?
steve: Are you worried about this?
karl: Do you know what did they do what…
steve: Let me see what it says here um it says err…
ricky: Well isn’t it just choosing the choosing the you know eye colour or…
steve: Well this is the concern isn’t it that in the future you’ll be able to decide err whether it’s a boy or a girl, what how intelligent it is what it looks like, is it handsome is it ugly. Obviously no-one will choose an ugly baby and so on and so on and so on and so it means that you know what where will it lead? Where will it end Karl? Are you concerned?
karl: I’ve thought about this a lot ‘cause…
ricky: What will us three look like in the future if they’re being genetically modified, beautiful people? What will we be like? How will we be considered in society?
karl: That’s true yeah. But we’ve talked about this before haven’t we, about err the cloning thing.
karl: That’s a bit weird
karl: But I erm I don’t think it matters at the end of the day right you might look like some other kid but it’s the way that you’re brought up that will change your features and the way you are you know you’re personality.
ricky: If you lie you get a long nose don’t you?
karl: Well no but listen right ‘cause I remember when when we were you know I was growing up on this estate…
ricky: This is gonna be good…go on.
karl: No, no its not its just an example of how this doesn’t work.
ricky: Go on.
karl: So we don’t need to worry sort of think.
karl: So I’m growing up on this estate and there was a, there was this woman about four houses down right, is a bit rough.
ricky: Didn’t fancy her?
karl: Oh god no! But she had a baby…
ricky: Why? Well tell me about her first. I’m interested in this woman. Why was she…
karl: It was a very…
ricky: Was it like Bernard Manning in a dress?
karl: I mean I didn’t grow up in a posh house or anything…
karl: And I’m not saying that if you live in a bit of a rough house, you’re a bad person…
ricky: What did she look like? Tattoos? Did she look like Tony Green with a fag on?
karl: They didn’t clean up much right.
karl: Which, even if you’ve not got a lot of money you can still make it look nice right?
ricky: Get some Jiff. Yeah.
karl: But she didn’t and a kid used to take a horse into the house.
steve: Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah.
ricky: Woah neddy, woah neddy. What do you mean a kid used to take a horse into the house? Where did he get a horse?
karl: Must've nicked it from somewhere.
karl: Must have done.
ricky: “Sir have you seen a horse around here?” No!
steve: What is that from outside the saloon round the corner?
ricky: Yeah was it just tied up with a bit of…
karl: Right and erm…I’d been out…
ricky: That’s great. Did Big Jake come a’looking for it?
steve: Yeah exactly.
karl: I’d been out and umm…
steve: So let me get this…this was before the lynching stopped or after?
ricky: Where did he get a horse from? What do you mean he must have nicked it? His mum said “Where did you get that from?” He said “I bought it.” “Alright then, but keep it out the kitchen!”
steve: I don’t want you going cattling rustling.
ricky: Where did he get a horse from Karl, and how long did he have it for? Was he leading it or riding it? “Mam open the door I cant stop!”
steve: I can’t stop it, open the patio door as well I’ll be…
ricky: Looks like we got us a runaway!
ricky: What are…do you mean?
karl: I dunno but the thing is they couldn’t afford to buy one ‘cause they’re not cheap. So I’m just guessing, maybe that’s wrong of me. But I think…
steve: He had a horse?
karl: Yeah right so…
steve: That’s why the family didn’t have any money, they spend it on the horse!
karl: That’s what I’m saying, I don’t think they would have bought it. So anyway…
steve: Yeah its wise to whisper Karl, in case they’re listening.
ricky: Yeah and its not…
steve: They could be in the room next door.
ricky: Its not the buying it, it’s the keeping it as well…Oh.
karl: So I was like in the car with me dad coming into the avenue and you used to have to drive down it to turn round.
karl: And err, and you know sort of go back to our house.
ricky: You had the traditional method of transport, yeah.
karl: And err, the horse was in the lounge.
ricky: Reading a paper?
karl: Just like walking around.
ricky: Oh God!
karl: And when I, when I was doing – I tried to earn myself some money once by flogging little flowers in plastic cups…
ricky: What? This is genius! He just keeps coming what do you mean you tried to flog little flowers? What do you mean?
steve: Woah, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute, let’s play a record, let’s play a record and come back to this…
ricky: Wait a minute, wait a minute…
steve: ‘Cause this story is just gonna unravel and unravel and go on for hours.
ricky: Yeah it gets deeper and deeper. Its like an onion isn’t it!
steve: Let’s play a track Karl, we’ve created a whole world here where there’s a man living with a horse.
ricky: Just walking around the lounge!
steve: I mean I come from the West Country and I’ve never heard anything like that!
ricky: I just think of a big sort of like orange carpet and it’s got a re diffusion telly and its got the horse going “Oh I’m fed up in here”.
ricky: This is really… yeah!
steve: I am not taking the rubbish out again!
steve: Right, play a record, let's have Velvet Underground. We got that lined up haven’t we?
ricky: Oh God!
steve: A classic from the first album err ‘I’m Waiting for the Man’, let's come back to the horse in a second…
ricky: …little flowers in pots! What do you mean? Oh…
steve: …classic first album, Velvet Underground and Nico, which apparently peaked at a disappointing 171 in the US charts.
ricky: Think of that.
steve: And that’s obviously Lou Reed, the Velvet Underground and uh “Waiting for the Man.”
ricky: Yeah, great track. So we were talking, we were doing White Van Man… and uh we got on to uh, uhm genetically…
steve: We got on to genetically modified babies, but somehow…
ricky: …and then Karl started to tell a story about someone with a horse, and then he got on to he was trying to make money selling flowers, just do the flowers briefly.
steve: Well, hang on, I just wanna recap slightly, so there was a family and, who had the horse in the family?
karl: It was…
steve: ‘Cause you lived in a ho—on an estate in Manchester.
ricky: So the, the mother, the mother was a right pig, apparently. I don’t know why that’s relevant.
karl: Whoa whoa… you don’t need to go that far.
ricky: But you—go on.
karl: But what I’m trying to do is, like, make a picture for you so you understand.
ricky: What did she look like? Who did she look like?
karl: Ahm… bit of uh, and no disrespect to her… bit like Pauline Quirke.
steve: Quirkie. Yeah.
karl: All right?
ricky: I knew you were gonna say that. I knew it was gonna be Pauli—did she have any tats? Did she have any tattoos?
karl: I never got that close to her.
ricky: Okay. All right.
steve: So, and so who had the horse? Was this her son? Or her husband?
karl: No, her, her daughter.
steve: Her daughter had stolen a horse…
karl: Yeah. From, I don’t know where, there was a, I think there were some stables down the road or something.
steve: And they, they kept the horse in the house with them.
karl: They kept it in the house. But they didn’t have it for long.
steve: Sorry, and you said you were in the house one day and you saw the horse…
karl: No, no, what happened was I was uhm… they did this thing at school about raising money for charity. Right? For some local charity. And they said you can do anything to, to raise money, and they came out with all these ideas and I thought, “That’s good.”
ricky: What was the charity?
karl: But forget—well, I don’t know, I thought, “Forget the charity…”
steve: Yeah, it’s just a good way of making money…
karl: “…I’m a charity.”
steve: You’re a charity!
karl: So uhm…
karl: …so I asked me mam for, she used to have a lot of flowers around the house.
karl: I said, “Can I just take some snippings off ‘em, and uh I’ll go and buy some plastic cups,” and uh got some soil outta the garden, planted the, the, the bits of plants in ‘em…
karl: …got a tray…
karl: …had about 25 plants on it…
karl: …sellin’ ‘em for 25 pence each.
ricky: Excellent. Did you sell any?
karl: Yeah, I sold loads!
ricky: Did they, did you just cut, you didn’t just cut them and stick ‘em in the soil?
karl: Yeah, they wouldn’t have survived.
karl: But I think people thought, “Well, good on him for trying.” But anyway, so I went ‘round to theirs, ‘cause I thought their house could do with a bit of color and stuff.
karl: ‘Cause it’s a bit rough. So as I went…
ricky: The horse went, “Thank God for that breakfast. They were, they, they’ve been feeding me Kitekat.”
karl: So I got up to the door, and they opened the door, and it was one of them houses where, no carpet…
steve: Yeah. A horse in the living room.
ricky: You know.
steve: We’ve all been there.
karl: And the horse was walking around the living room.
karl: And it looked quite happy and everything because… I always say that about animals…
ricky: “Black Beauty” was on.
karl: Well, think about it, right, if you were a horse, where would you rather be: in a little wooden hut with a load of hay, or in like a house with…
steve: Central heating.
karl: …a three-piece suite and a telly and that?
ricky: A telly and that!
karl: No, but I was saying this the other day…
steve: And an Atari.
karl: I was walking through London the other day…
ricky: Commodore 64, rubbish.
karl: …walking through London with Suzanne…
karl: …and do you know like homeless people always have dogs?
karl: She said, “Oh, I hope, I hope she looks after it.” I said, “They’ve got—that dog is happier than most dogs.”
karl: ‘Cause people always walk past ‘em, give it a pat on the head…
karl: …it’s with its owner all the time…
karl: …it’s out in the open, it’s not locked up in a house…
steve: It doesn’t eat, but other than that…
karl: No, it does eat, though, they’re always all right. So that’s what I was saying, I think this horse… was, was doing all right for itself.
ricky: Well, not many horses have got their own house…
ricky: …for a start, yeah.
karl: But anyway, that’s, that’s…
steve: That’s by the bye.
karl: Yeah, so anyway, this family, who’s a bit, what, what were we talkin’ about, it was about cloning…
steve: Genetically modified kids…
steve: …and all that stuff, yeah.
karl: Right, now what I’m sayin’ is, you could say, you know, right, Steve, you could have a baby. Right?
steve: Mm hm.
karl: And Ricky could see it and say, “God, I want one that looks like that.”
steve: It could happen, Rick.
steve: Come on, work with him.
karl: So you take it to the doctor’s… and I don’t know what they do, they, they inject it with something or whatever…
steve: Yeah, that’s how it’s done.
karl: …and uh get a little baby and there it is, it looks the same. Now the thing is you separate, you both go off and do your own things…
karl: Right? Now, you look at it—Steve, Stephen, this is, you look after your baby…
karl: …you treat it well, you give it good food and that…
steve: I’m a good dad.
karl: …all the vitamins and stuff…
karl: …Ricky just gives it cheese.
karl: Right? So then it changes its looks, it goes a bit fat, you know, it gets tired easily and that sort of thing.
karl: Now when this family…
ricky: Why am I just feeding a baby cheese?!
karl: Right, this, this uhm… this, this, this family who had a horse in the g—, in the, you know, in their house…
karl: …they had a, a little baby. And me mam went ‘round and said, “You’re not gonna believe this but it’s a beautiful-looking baby.” Right?
karl: And I was like, “Well, you know.” And uh the weird thing is it was a good-looking kid. But as time went on, they didn’t really look after it, and I’m not saying like abusin’ it, but it used to run around, it used to play out ‘til like 10 at night…
karl: …uh it used to chase cars…
karl: …it was a bit…
ricky: Used to chase…
steve: Did it have hooves?
ricky: Yeah. Yeah, no. No.
ricky: Used to chase cars! What sort of kid chases cars?!
ricky: Oh, God! Was it called Rover? Did it catch sticks?
karl: Liam, it was called, right?
karl: Now, the weird thing is, it was a good-looking kid, but as time went on, and all that, like, not eating properly and its hair was all patchy…
steve: It’s not Liam Gallagher, is it?
karl: …and chasing cars and that, and it became an ugly kid.
steve: It’s definitely Liam Gallagher.
karl: And that’s, that’s what I’m saying, right, you can clone, you can clone all you like but at the end of the day, it’s how you’re brought up.
steve: Man alive!
steve: That was a hell of a point!
karl: But am I right?
ricky: Uh, you’re always right, Karl.
steve: Finally, White Van Man, what do you make of the fact that Sainsbury’s are bringing in square tins?
ricky: Is that true?!
steve: Is that a concern for you?
ricky: Is that true?
steve: Apparently so.
steve: Don’t know.
ricky: Is that ‘cause they’re easier to stack?
steve: This is what the guy in the Sun has said. “That should be interesting for…”
steve: “That should be…”
steve: His comment on Sainsbury’s are bringing in square tins…
steve: …is, no… is, “That should be interesting for meatballs.”
ricky: (off-mic) Oh, Christ!
steve: Ricky has just collapsed on the floor, let’s just play a song, Karl.
ricky: (off-mic) Oh!
steve: I don’t think even you can top that.
ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Whatever Happened to my Rock 'N Roll. Well, nearly the end of the show.
ricky: Just time for err The Re-Education of umm Karl revisited.
ricky: Still got Nick Cave to come haven’t we.
ricky: Err now, Karl. You read a quote book, what did you learn from it? What what, tell us some pearls of wisdom from it, just keep it down to one or two: your favourite things and why you like them.
karl: Right well you said like you said you said just pick a couple right.
karl: So I’ve wrote a couple down last night.
karl: And what I did so they so they weren’t boring right, I’ve sort of…
ricky: Don’t think you can ever be boring, but go on…
karl: No, no, no, but what I’ve done I’ve I’ve took like different ones so I’ve took a good one that I think yeah that’s a good quote that’s worth putting in a book. I’ve put one that isn’t really a quote so I don’t understand it.
ricky: Oh yeah.
karl: One that isn’t clever.
karl: And erm, and a funny one so a bit of variation all out of one book.
steve: Okay, yeah.
ricky: How long did this take you? What did you do? Did you sort of like sit…
karl: About half an hour last night.
ricky: And did you sit sorta like quietly at a desk or something?
karl: No, just in the lounge with the telly turned down.
ricky: Oh right.
karl: Just to give a bit of light to the room, had it on but turned down.
steve: Sure. Have you figures out lights yet?
karl: So err…
karl: …so the first one, never heard of him, err this guy called Dean Axon.
karl: And this is a good one. He said “The memo is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.”
ricky: That’s good yeah.
steve: That’s very good. Yeah yeah, relates to lots of office life and so on.
karl: Yep, the modern world and that.
karl: Right so then thought yeah right so I wrote that down ‘cause I liked it and that’s what you said to do.
karl: Second one isn’t really a quote it’s more of a poem.
karl: So how does that work?
ricky: Well just read it.
karl: Right well I wont…it’s about suicide.
karl: Right. “Razors pain ya, rivers are damp, acids stain ya, drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful, so you might as well live.”
ricky: Lovely, that’s…
steve: Is that from Dorothy Parker?
ricky: I tell ya what…
karl: It is yeah…
ricky: It……I hate it. I hate that.
ricky: I just I it’s nothing to me that.
karl: I think that’s…
ricky: What is its just sort of…?
karl: Yeah yeah yeah,
ricky: …a weak shallow piece of mock comedy.
karl: Alright, well this is why I did it in that order ‘cause that’s what I thought.
ricky: It’s sort of like, it’s sort of like it’s like a zany vicar would write from living in Frome when he’s about 55 and get it published in... I hate it.
karl: Alright so you’re saying you’re not a fan of Dorothy Parker’s work right.
karl: Now the next one, Oscar Wilde.
karl: Right he’s known I’n’he?
karl: Look what he comes up with. “All art is quite useless”.
ricky: Well that’s… what’s up with that?
karl: Well it isn’t. I did art.
ricky: No I know but its… go on next.
steve: How has art helped you? How has it been useful to you?
karl: It was a bit of a… it was one of the only things I liked doing at school.
karl: D’ya know what I mean, when I made that little clay man fixing a car.
steve: You made a clay man fixing a car? I’d forgotten about that!
karl: How, how can he… I think that’s stupid. And especially that its gone in a book.
karl: D’ya know what I mean.
karl: It’s easy to diss things.
steve: Yeah its harder to… yeah you’re right, you’re right.
ricky: I don’t think art is useless by the way. But you don’t have to agree or disagree with some of these things, some of them are you know that some one sort of sometimes it’s just their thoughts put eloquently or poetically isn’t it and its just…
steve: Just to provoke a reaction as well as much as anything.
ricky: Yeah, yeah.
karl: Mmmm well… and the good one, Ozzy Osbourne…
ricky: I mean, sorry let’s just go back there, the irony is that that is art. That he was an artist wasn’t he. So…
steve: But you you, okay so you don’t, like Oscar Wilde but you prefer Ozzy Osbourne…
ricky: Yeah go on…
karl: Ozzy Osbourne, cracking one this, funny and educational. “I bit a head of a bat the other night, it was like eating a crunchie in a bit of shammy leather.”
steve: You’re right, you’re right Karl.
karl: So there’s…
ricky: What do you like about that? The way he has described what it is like…?
karl: I think, yeah if someone, I mean that, you can imagine what its like… ‘cause I like crunchies.
karl: And that shammy leather is really chewy so you can imagine that that’s like the skin.
ricky: So you like his descriptive writing?
karl: Yeah, The crunchie bit is like the bones and that.
steve: But you know, Karl, its interesting because you analysed Ozzy there and in a way that is the first step on maybe doing a new English GSCE, being able to study language you know…
ricky: Yeah you’ve said why you like it, you said ‘cause it describes what a bat…well you’ve never eaten a bat yourself.
karl: Yeah but my teacher, Mrs Cain, if I woulda come into school you know a quote by Ozzy Osbourne she wouldn’t have been happy.
karl: D’ya know what I mean, and that the difference between…
ricky: She’d go, “Right Karl, get your horse and go home!”
karl: But listen though, we were talking about other quotes.
karl: Erm, Neil Armstrong.
karl: D’ya know his one?
steve: What? “One giant leap for mankind?”
ricky: D’ya know it wasn’t meant to be that? You know it says umm “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” Right.
ricky: It was meant to be “This is one small step for a man”
steve: Right, yes.
ricky: I.e. me the individual on a microcosmic level, “one giant leap for mankind”, and he mucked it up. ‘Cause if you say, “This is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”. “Man” there means mankind.
steve: I know I know…it’s embarrassing.
ricky: So he… ah you shouldn’t give people your...He’s not a trained actor!
steve: That’s true enough.
ricky: He’s more of an astronaut to be honest…
steve: Has he won any awards Rick?
ricky: Ummm…there are no awards, is he BAFTA nominated? Don’t think so!
karl: But listen right, he said another quote as he umm as he got back into the rocket. Have you heard about it?
steve: Go on.
karl: Well we’re running out of time and I’m wondering whether it’s worth saving as a bit of a teaser for next week.
steve: What did Neil Armstrong say as he got back into the rocket?
steve: Chocks away!
ricky: Is it gonna be something like err “That was boring wasn’t it”
ricky: “The mic’s not still on is it?”
ricky: “They’re not still listening in Tex…?”
karl: Well that’s what I was saying to you. He could’ve said that and he…
steve: “That’s not Cheese!”
karl: …It would’ve still gone down as an amazing quote wouldn’t it?
steve: Well that’s… I think that you should save it Karl…
ricky: Buzz Aldrin went “You Tosser! I was meant to go first!”
steve: No, I tell you what we’ll do Karl, we’ll squeeze it before the end of the show ‘cause Ricky you gotta play your song for the lovers. We should play this…
karl: I don’t think we’ll fit it in; we might have to save it.
steve: Don’t worry; we’ll see what we can do.
ricky: Well next week by the way you’ve got Happiness quotations, a collection of thoughtful words and beautiful paintings. I’ll just give you an example of one: “Happiness is a Perfume you can pour on others without…you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.” Lovely that isn’t it.
ricky: You can’t be happy without…
steve: Play the song, quick.
ricky: This is Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds err from The Boatman’s Call, it’s a beautiful song any song that starts off, “I don’t believe in an interventionist God” is alright by me and this is into my arms.
ricky: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds err Into My Arms, well that’s it, we’ve run out of time.
steve: We have indeed.
ricky: So no, no time for umm Karl’s quote that’ll have to come next week...
steve: Yeah we’ll save that for next time.
ricky: …about Neil Armstrong. Umm well I hope you err enjoyed it. Goodbye.
steve: Alright Rick, come on sound a bit chirpier it’s not that depressing!
ricky: Well I…yeah.
steve: Sports next, you know how excited you are.
ricky: Go on.
steve: You love the sport don’t you…?
Season 01 Episode 01
Season 01 Episode 02
Season 01 Episode 03
Season 01 Episode 04
Season 01 Episode 05
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Season 01 Episode 07
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Season 01 Episode 09
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Season 01 Episode 11
Season 01 Episode 12
Season 01 Episode 13
Season 01 Episode 14
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Season 01 Episode 16
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Season 01 Episode 23
Season 02 Episode 01
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Season 02 Episode 08
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Season 02 Episode 12
Season 02 Episode 13
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Season 02 Episode 17
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