XFM Vault - S01E20 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: New Order! And “Here to Stay”! On Xfm 104.9, well, we're here stay, aren't we, Steve?

steve: True enough.

ricky: Well, for another four weeks anyway then we're uh, then we’re off. Four more shows, they'll have to order… a new... deejay!

ricky: All right?

steve: That was genius!

ricky: Eh?! Oh I'm Ricky Gerv—

steve: Oh, wow, it's as simple as that!

ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Mitchell…

ricky: …and Karl Pilkington.

steve: Oh, man!

ricky: Did anyone read the Guardian yesterday? It was Steve's big ch—, we were interviewed together, Steve…

steve: I've never been interviewed before in a paper, I've certainly never had my photo in a national paper before.

ricky: We were very excited, we loved the interview. It was talking about our top ten albums between us. We loved it, we talked really fast like... school kids, we were excited. It was a great interview and all the way through, it was, “Ricky Gervais, with his writing partner, Steve Mitchell.”

steve: Stephen Mitchell. It's not even like Merchant!

ricky: He phoned me up the night before and he was gutted and I know how he feels, it's awful. And it was big letters and just all the way through in the caption, and it's just like… “Oh God!”

steve: But it's embarrassing, do you know what I mean, it's embarrassing 'cos it's like I was trying to get in the paper, I couldn't believe my luck. And then that just draws attention to that fact that I'm not a celebrity…

steve: …and consequently they can't even remember my name!

ricky: But the worst thing was that one of my favourite albums of all time, I said in there, was “Blood on the Tracks” by Bob Dylan. I said because, you know, I think one of the most beautiful songs ever is “If You See Her, Say Hello.” And, of course, these people were sort of transcribing it from, you know, a dictaphone, it came out, um, my favourite song of all time was “If You See a Sailor.”

steve: “If You See a Sailor”! “Oh, hello!”

steve: “Fruity!”

ricky: Aww, “Bob Drillboids, um, ‘Blap on the Trap’ with ‘Where's the Sailor Gone to?’”

ricky: Aww, “With Ricky Gervais and Stevelen Mitchelings!”

ricky: Aww!

steve: But I don't know, they must have thought my name was, was Mitchell all along, they obviously never knew…

ricky: The evidence is there!

steve: But I don’t know why...

ricky: I think they clearly thought...

steve: It was like when they, they reported in the paper that we had been nominated for a Sony, and it said, uh, “Ricky Gervais, who hosts the breakfast show on Xfm.” And it's that sort of, it's just guessing! It's like, presumably someone's gone, “Does he host a breakfast show?” and someone's gone, “Yeah.” And that's, that's their research done!

ricky: Yeah. But there was a thing about, um, “‘The Office,’ set in Swindon.” That's someone going, “Just writing about an article about ‘The Office,’ where's it set?" “Swindon, I think.” “Is it? OK, that'll do.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Pathetic.

ricky: Even we research the show now and again, don't we?

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Even we look things up, well, actually people phone in... usually that fella. What's that fella's name that calls in who's got the website? He's got a funny name.

karl: Umm…

ricky: Gaybo or something.

karl: James…

steve: Phone in if you remember what his name is!

ricky: Yeah.

karl: James, James at “Lose Control.”

ricky: Yeah, what's his surname, though?

steve: Oh, for goodness sake, this is just…

karl: Dunno.

steve: …going to be interesting to him! And his friends!

ricky: Oh yeah. Oh yeah!

steve: You remember?

ricky: We better play another record!

steve: Yes!

ricky: Coming up, aww, I tell you what, if you—

karl: Johnny Mango!

ricky: Mango, that's it, yeah. Now if you like Elvis Costello's “Alison,” or maybe…

steve: Rick, I do!

ricky: ...or maybe Free’s, Free’s, um, “My Brother Jake”…

steve: One of my favourites!

ricky: Stay tuned!

ricky: Badly Drawn Boy, “Silent Sigh.”

steve: Cracking tune, that.

ricky: Xfm, 104.9. Maybe there’ll be a few silent sighs around London on the fourth of May when uh… that’s it, we’re off the air for… three months.

steve: Yeah. Wow, you’re really getting into the deejay patter today!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Brilliant!

ricky: Yeah, that was good.

steve: Yeah. It’s only taken, what, five years?

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Now you’re finally as good as Foxy.

ricky: Coming up…

steve: Yes.

ricky: …that anecdote that Karl didn’t get to last week, about Neil Armstrong.

steve: Right.

ricky: I can’t wait. It’s ‘cause he took three links telling us about the horse.

steve: Yes, of course.

ricky: The horse! Think of that!

steve: Yeah, wow.

ricky: Ahm… I went out with Karl on Thursday night.

steve: Right.

ricky: Right? It was one of the most enjoyable nights I, I… we just… had, like, went out for about, what, five or six pints, a little crawl, and adventures happened around Karl…

steve: Yeah.

ricky: …and just me sitting talking to him was just incredible. I’m thinking that a competition would be “Win a Pint with Karl.”

steve: Yes!

ricky: Just…

steve: That’d be a hell of a game.

ricky: …they just have to go for a pint, they can ask him anything they want.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He’s just…

ricky: …he’s just great. Uh, we met up with my friend, didn’t we? Tell him all about that.

karl: Oh yeah.

ricky: Yeah? What?

steve: Did you enjoy it as much as Ricky, Karl?

karl: Uhm… yeah, there was things I learnt as well, which was, which was good.

steve: Okay.

karl: You know his mate Robin, don’t ya?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: I’ll, I’ll uh…

steve: You’ll discuss that later.

karl: I’ll tell you later about…

ricky: He’s still got all his near-death experiences to come, “Win a Pi—,” and, of course, coming up, uhm… uh, Karl, his homework was uh the quotes. And Karl’s come up with a great idea, to show that anyone can do quotes, he’s, he’s invented a thing like “Faking It,” where he’s got two real quotes…

steve: Right.

ricky: …right, and he’s made one up.

steve: Okay.

ricky: And he’s gonna fool us, I, I… I bet we won’t be able to tell…

steve: Brilliant! Sorry, what was the challenge last week?

ricky: Look at him looking at us! What’s the matter with you?

karl: It’s just that before, you were like, “No, this is good for ya.”

ricky: Well…

karl: Now it’s turned into a game.

steve: At your expense.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Have you only just, has it only just dawned on you?

ricky: Karl! I’m joking, it’s great, honestly, it’s really good.

steve: What was the Karl challenge last week? You said—I thought we did the quotes last week.

ricky: No, but uhm he, he, I gave him uhm…

karl: A book on happiness.

ricky: …happiness, it’s all about happiness…

steve: Right.

ricky: …and what, the, the sear—you know, the pursuit of happiness.

steve: Mm.

ricky: And it’s in sort of like quote form and everything. But uhm Karl’s gonna do a couple ones like “Faking It” just to show… I mean, ‘cause he’s been coming up with fables all week as well now, he comes up with summat and he says, “That’s a fable, innit?”

ricky: And he tells me the anec—so he’s, he’s getting good. Now…

steve: Should we play another track? What have you got, something—you’ve got something special, haven’t you?

ricky: Oh, I’ve got… I saw uhm… uh Elvis Costello on Jonathan Ross a couple of weeks ago and he did just an acoustic version of “Alison,” and I forgot what an amazing song it is.

steve: Mm.

ricky: And uh it’s just, he’s, he’s fantastic. He’s, he’s the man. Listen to this, this guitar sound! It’s so beautiful.

ricky: My aim is true… to provide quality entertainment of a Saturday!

steve: Oh… classy.

ricky: That was Elvis Costello and his Attractions and “Alison” on Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais!

steve: Steve Mitchell here and uh Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Oh. Going well, though, innit?

steve: It’s going all right, it’s going all right. I’ve uhm been obviously doing some acting, as you know, I mentioned it last week, doing this uh, this sort of comedy pilot. This week, Karl, you’re gonna be loving this, I’ve been doing stunts. I swear to God I’ve been doing my own stunts, with the guy that once made Christopher Reeve fly as Superman. Right? And I was doing stunts, I had to do that thing where I, my character…

ricky: Careful, then.

steve: …has to commit suicide. Don’t think I didn’t bring that up.

steve: “Were you anywhere near that horse? No? Fine, let’s carry on.” And uhm…

steve: …we, I had to, my character has to commit suicide and he has to sort of leap off a building.

ricky: Mm.

steve: So the first shot…

ricky: Don’t think that’s a… not something for comedy.

steve: Well, we were up on a roof, and obviously they had the crash mats and stuff and I had to kind of leap off… uhm and land on the mats and stuff. And obviously I was petrified the whole time ‘cause I was wearing my glasses…

steve: …petrified that they might get broken. So I was, like, not really doing it properly and kind of leaping like, like, you know people when they can’t dive into a swimming pool so they put that one foot out first to sort of…

ricky: Was it you, was it you that told me that you could, you could never get into fights…

steve: No, I could never get into fights or go in a mosh pit because of my glasses.

steve: I’ve missed out in life because I can’t, I’m ter—but, ‘cause, see, if I was in a fight and I said, “Come on, then, you hard—,” you know, and I was in a pub or summink, they just had to whiff, whiff off the glasses…

steve: …just knock them off, I’m done for. I got nothing.

ricky: You’re really shortsighted, are ya?

steve: Yeah, but if, yeah but… anything’s an advantage in a fight, isn’t it, and the fact that they’re just a blur…

steve: …is bound to hamper my otherwise brilliant, you know, ninja skills. So uhm…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: …so yeah, I never got into a fight, I’ve never been in a fight at all, I’ve never, as I say, been in a mosh pit.

ricky: Sorry, so you’re on, on the wire.

steve: This was making me sort of a bit worried, uhm, uh…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: …and anyway, so then I think, “Well, fine, I’ve done my stunt,” and I did, everyone claps, they were pleased with it, and the guy said I was very good. So then they drive us to the next location, right, I’m thinking, “I’ve done my stunts now.” There’s a crane…! I think, “What’s going on here?” Now they need to shoot me—like, I’ve already done the stunt where I sort of leapt off the building, now they’ve got to actually see me falling, right? So I have to get strapped in with this huge belt and they clicked wires on to me, and they hoist me about 30, 40 foot into the air, on this wire, and I have to—and then they drop me at great speed and I have to scream and shout… you know—it was partly acting.

ricky: Glasses on?

steve: Glasses—by this time I’d managed to get some wire fixed to my glasses so they wouldn’t come off my head, I assured them—

ricky: They weren’t stunt glasses, they were doing their own stunts.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, okay.

steve: So uhm… so they hoist me into the air on this thing, they do a couple of sort of uh, sort of demo versions, you know, gradually ease me up higher and higher so I can m—become acclimatized to it. And uhm they get, they get me about 30 feet up, and they’ve got these huge crash mats, like those great big ones you always see stunt people have. And they set up the camera and stuff down below, and while I was up in the air dangling there, they remove those crash mats, and they replace them with those really thin ones that you always see, like, teenage gymnasts using on “Blue Peter”, do you know what I mean, the really thin ones you used to use at school, right?

ricky: Right.

steve: And I’m looking down at this, I’m thinking now… they may as well have shouted up, “If you fall you’re done for, but we might be able to protect the equipment.” You know what I mean, it was so rubbish.

ricky: But you weren’t gonna land on the floor, presumably.

steve: Well, the idea was that the wire would stop that.

ricky: Oh, I see. But there was no safe—that, that was their safety net.

steve: That was the safety net.

ricky: Why did they not leave the real ones in?

steve: Because they, they had to, I don’t know, for the shot and stuff, they had to… But anyway, what was particularly joyful was that one of the other actors pointed this out, this is the uhm…

steve: …this is the health and safety statement from the stunt guys, right, they obviously have to write up this health and safety statement about how they’re doing it. And it says, “We confirm that we have proper safety policies, procedures to comply with the Health and Safety Act 1974, and that we will not do anything which compromises the health, safety, and welfare of your production crew, actors, or members of the public. If the above situation changes, we’ll advise you immediately.”

steve: I mean, if they think that maybe they do want to hurt members of the public… “Look at that fat one over there, just try and hit her…”

ricky: Yeah.

steve: “…as you bring him down.”

ricky: “Don’t worry about that one.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “She can take it, she can take it.”

steve: But uh so that reassured me, obviously, and uhm… now my whole body is racked with pain. Limbs, arms, head, neck… uh, unbelievable.

ricky: Well…

karl: Is the shot worth havin’?

steve: Probably not.

ricky: You, you, you’ll wish you had…

steve: You know what the cameraman whispered to me, the cameraman whispered to me, “He’ll probably never use it.”

ricky: Yeah. Steve, you’ll wish you hadn’t told that wimpy tale when you hear… three, just three, random tales of near-death experiences that Karl told me.

steve: Right.

ricky: Coming up. I mean, honestly.

steve: Really.

ricky: At least you had stunt people and crash mats.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And you got paid.

ricky and steve: Yeah.

ricky: The things that he got up to just… through stupidity…

karl: Well…

ricky: …will put you to s—what?

karl: Hmm!

ricky: Which, what, what one of, what one of them wasn’t through stupidity?

karl: Cakes.

steve: I’m already excited.

ricky: The cake one?

karl: Yeah!

ricky: Which one is that?

steve: Sorry, you had a near-death experience involving a cake?

ricky: Hold on, I’ve got three. I’ve got the, I’ve got the paper round, the s—the s—nicking slate, and the, the Mr. Freeze… what’s the cake one?

karl: Yeah, I suppose… the c—the cream cake.

ricky: Oh! Yeah. Play a record.

steve: Right, now you’re talking in riddles.

ricky: Play a record.

steve: Can we have these next?

ricky: Yeah, yeah, play a record!

ricky: Cooper Temple Clause - Who Needs Enemies. Good question lads, nobody.

ricky: This is XFM 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais.

steve: They should print a little book of those.

steve: They're great. How you can relate any song or artist to anything else.

ricky: Easy, easy. Well yeah, so me and Karl went out, out for a beer, and it was great wasn't it?

karl: Yeah, I enjoyed myself, yeah it was good.

ricky: We started off. And you met my mate Robin didn't you?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: And, some of the stories. Do you want to tell Steve some things about Robin that you've learnt?

karl: Robin. Do you know him well?

steve: Yes.

karl: Well erm, do you know about his worm problem as a kid?

steve: Go on.

karl: Right, he err- what I can remember is, he had worms as a kid. Not sure how you get em' he never answered me. He was getting a bit touchy about it.

steve: Right.

karl: This is like the second time I’ve met him, and I think he was a bit annoyed that Ricky told me about his problem.

ricky: Now straight away, you not being there, instinctively what do you think went on with this story about worms?

steve: My suspicion-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -is rather like when you told a group of people that Robin had once suckled milk from a cows udder.

karl: He told me that.

steve: Did he mention that as well? Yeah. My suspicion is that, like the cow story, the worm story is not true. And Robin-

karl: But why would he get so sort of, uppity about it?

ricky: Because its not true.

steve: Imagine if that wasn't the first time he's done it, imagine if he- he did that every single time, he was with somebody for the first time and Robin was- just met them. He will tell that story to anyone.

karl: But they do say, there's no smoke without fire.

ricky: Poor Robin. I also told him-

karl: That's a fable.

ricky: I also told him, that the way Robin cured these worms-

steve: Yep.

ricky: -was because, the doctor told his mother, right? To hold a piece of ham or cheese near Robin's anus, so the worms would come out for the food. And he believed it.

karl: I'll tell you why though.

ricky: I said Robin used to sit on SPAM, to try to get the worms out, and he believed it.

karl: But Steve, right? Do you remember that story about, oh, three or four years ago, where there was some bloke in the army? He went away somewhere, Vietnam or whatever, he was messin' about in the woods, erm-

ricky: He was messin' about in the woods!

steve: Shouldn't he have been fighting?

karl: Whatever, right. And he walked through some lake, and I think he cut his toe, or something, on something, and some worm, of some sort, crawled in the gash-

steve: Yeah.

karl: -and erm, it was in his body, and the doctor said we've got to get this out your body. So, what they did was, they said the thinnest part of something, of your body that things can crawl through, is on the top of your 'ed. So they wrapped-

ricky: Where the skull is?

karl: So they wrapped some bacon-

ricky: No they didn't.

karl: They did.

ricky: Oh Right? So it's gone in by the toe, so what we do is: "I tell you what, that worm's probably heading straight for the head, we'll put a bit of bacon on it". The thinnest part of the body? The skull- of course it's not the thinnest part of the body. It's where your brain case isn't it. It's the hardest- the skull?

karl: There was a reason for it. And it was like they erm, stuck some bacon on his 'ed-

steve: As ever, the vital piece of information, i.e. the reason, Karl seems to have forgotten.

karl: Because the worm was in his body and they said, you know, everyone likes the smell of bacon.

steve: Yeah, including worms.

ricky: Even a worm, even a Vietnamese lake worm, they-

steve: They love bacon.

karl: Last week, remember last week when I said about the little fella born with no brain, and you were proved wrong.

ricky: No no. We were saying it wasn't a little fella. We were saying it was a stillborn child. It wasn't a little fella.

karl: You're changing it now. You weren’t havin' any of it last week.

steve: Right, hang on a minute, let's just- I’m getting confused. There was a Vietnamese, there wasn't a Vietnam- There was a Vietnamese snake that went inside a soldier-

ricky: No, a worm.

karl: A little, like maggot or some sort- That you have to get out your body cos' it causes problems.

steve: Yes. So in order to get it out of the body, they strapped bacon to his head.

karl: Yep.

ricky: That is great. This doctor-

steve: And did that work?

karl: I think so. They had a picture of him smiling.

ricky: What the worm or the bloke?

karl: The bloke.

ricky: Oh dear.

karl: Honestly, honestly, I hope someone knows the story and I can just-

ricky: Right.

karl: It was about three years ago I reckon-

ricky: OK

karl: -and erm, yeah it did work.

steve: GI bacon.

karl: So this is why- I- when-

ricky: So the worm burrowed out of his head to get the bacon-

karl: Get to the bacon.

ricky: Right.

ricky: That’s great, I love that.

karl: This is why when Robin was telling his story I was a little bit disappointed if it wasn't true-

steve: Right.

karl: -because in a way-

steve: You know Robins never been to Vietnam?

ricky: No, but what- Do you really think that Robin- as Robin said at the time: "Karl, why would I sit on ham, then tell Ricky Gervais?"

ricky: It's a very good point.

karl: Because if he was a kid - you do daft things like that as a kid.

ricky: Right.

steve: It's the telling Ricky Gervais though.

ricky: Yeah. And then- Aw, bless him.

steve: Ok.

ricky: And then- Anyway, Robin left and I tried to chase him, but he got away, and he knows I- Yeah. And then we had a few pints and then Karl embarked on some of the greatest stories ever told. Have you- Can you tell the story about your dad?

karl: Let me run it- I haven't spoke to him all week, so let me run it by him.

ricky: Ok, play a record.

karl: Cos, err- you know.

ricky: What we got?

karl: We got one of Steve's tunes-

steve: Well bizarrely enough, this come from the Teachers 2 soundtrack, the soundtrack to the current TV series. There's a slight whiff of nepotism in the air.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Rick, would you like to explain why?

ricky: Well that's why you're doin' it- My girlfriend worked on it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But erm- You were going to play this anyway weren't you?

steve: Yeah I was actually, I was going to play some 'I am Kloot' and this is from, as I say, the Teachers soundtrack, and this is called 'To You', it's a good track.

steve: 'I am Kloot', a track called 'To You', from the teachers soundtrack. That's also got, I notice, the 'Electric Soft Parade', 'The Hives', 'Starsailer', 'Feeder', 'Turin Brakes', 'Mercury Rev' on there. It's a good little collection.

ricky: Lovely. Karl has just had confirmation- he 's looking smug, cos someone phoned up and went: "It is true, it's a [?] worm, and you wrap bacon on your 'ed." That’s all the bloke knew as well, and his name was Garry.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So I’m not havin' it.

steve: No.

ricky: And he said, "See, that’s why the Robin thing, isn't so weird." He said "But when you said he tried it with cheese," he said, "I was havin' none of it."

ricky: 'Strokes', 'Hard to Explain'. Like Karl really.

steve: Yes. Yes.

ricky: So, Karl. Concentrate.

karl: Yeah, go on.

ricky: So, we'll leave the worm, with the bacon wrapped 'round the head shall we?

karl: Well, if you’re ever caught in the jungle-

ricky: Yeah. Always carry some-

karl: Bit of Danish.

steve: Good advice.

ricky: Lovely. So, would you like to start on your- to Steve cos I’ve heard all these.

karl: We won't do 'em all.

ricky: Well, we'll start off with the Mr Freeze, tell Steve the story of Mr Freeze. This is the first time he nearly died.

karl: This is the most serious of the lot, really. So- What it was- Do you know, like- Don't know if your mam and dad did the same thing, but like, they'd do their weekly shopping on like a Friday.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So when you got to Thursday, there wouldn't be much stuff left in the cupboard, it would just be like, you know, your Jacobs crackers-

steve: Mmm.

karl: -and stuff like that. So when they'd been to the supermarket, and they came back I was like, you know- What's that sayin'? Like a pig in... Yeah, I loved it. It was like leads of food comin' in. Loads of biscuits-

ricky: He nearly said-

steve: What is that saying?

ricky: He nearly said like a pig in shit.

steve: Ha, right.

karl: Is that the sayin'?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, so erm, so all this food comes in-

steve: Thank God he didn't.

ricky: Otherwise he'd have been in trouble.

steve: That's true enough.

ricky: Cos, he’s culpable for our actions, cos he's the producer. So technically, that twats in charge. Go on.

karl: So anyway, so there’s loads of food, and I’m like "Oh, yeah look at this!" And chocolate biscuits, and you know, Penguins and stuff.

steve: Bacon.

karl: So- And bacon.

ricky: Just in case, you never know.

karl: So erm- So anyway, me mum and dads puttin' the food away, me and our kid are like- He 's already grabbed something and gone back upstairs.

ricky: Like feral children! It's like the quest for fire, and then they run upstairs! What, did you sit under the bed, gnawing at some sort of pig’s trotter?!

karl: So I saw- do you remember Mr Freeze pops?

steve: I do, yes. They're kind of like Popsicles, icicles aren’t they?

karl: Yeah, but really long- Like, a foot long. So I thought I'll have one of them. So I grabbed it.

ricky: Went for the nutritious stuff first.

steve: Absolutely.

karl: And- Me mam and dad are putting the stuff away and what 'ave you- And I rip it open and knock it back, straight away, just right back.

steve: Swallow it straight away.

karl: But it went down the wrong way. Right?

steve: What, down your shirt?

karl: So I was like "Oh God"- can't breathe and me mam and dad didn't even know what I’d 'et. Do you know what I mean? I 'et it so quick.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And I’m sort of tapping my mam on the back going- And she’s going "Oh God" 'cos he's choking again because I was always choking.

karl: One thing- I don't know if I’ve got like a small throat

karl: But even Ricky knows I can't drink that much can I?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Do you know-

steve: Or eat pebbles!

karl: I'm not a quick drinker. I'd always- I think I’m scared of like - swallowing stuff.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it was like bottle tops and mint imperials and stuff. I was always choking on stuff.

steve: God!

karl: So, anyway, it was like: what's he picked up and 'et now?

ricky: Drop It! Drop it! Hit his nose with a stick!

karl: So I was going- and choking. At this point me dad had like- I think he'd put his share away, you know his food away.

ricky: His share! I love it!

steve: Yeah.

karl: He'd gone to watch like, Winner Takes All or whatever-

karl: -in the lounge. I was in the kitchen and I was starting to like- I didn't care anymore. You know what I mean? I hadn't- I just got to that point where I wasn't struggling anymore.

steve: You just thought, "I'm done for."

karl: So I’m falling to the ground, and me mams going, you know, "Get in here, I think it's serious!" And me dad comes in and sort of starts shouting at me, sort of sayin' "That's what you get for being greedy." He didn't even know what I’d eaten.

steve: Well it was the moment to teach you a lesson certainly!

karl: So he's there like that and me mams going "Oh, look at him!" And me lips were going purple, and me eyes were rolling into the back of me 'ed.

ricky: You looked like Marylin Manson.

karl: And- So anyway she grabbed me from behind and did that fireman thing.

steve: The Heimlich manoeuvre?

karl: And winded me, and it came up, and I was alright.

steve: What the whole Popsicle came flying back out?

karl: I don't- You see, that's what I don't understand. 'Cos there was nothing there-

ricky: No, it’s just a little bit, it just swells doesn’t it ‘cos it irritated it so it went down your sort of like your epiglottis, it went down the wrong way, and it went into your air-canal instead of your throat

karl: So…

ricky: ..it sort of, it sort of spasms, that’s the fear, you just gotta calm it down and relax… You don’t have to…

karl: So in time I would have been alright anyway?

ricky: Yeah, you don’t.

steve: Well, no, you might have.. passed out

ricky: So that’s so, so, so that’s one…

steve: No hang on.. but, but..

karl: No no no but the weird thing is, like for like three days after that, I felt like a sort of, special person…

ricky: I’m almost, I’m saying nothing.

karl: I went to school, I did full days…

steve: …A special needs person

ricky: Yeah

karl: I went to school the next three days after that, I didn’t like wag it or anything, I did full days.

ricky: I love that; three days, turning over a new leaf there.

steve: Yeah, exactly! Yeah, after three days he thought “screw it”.

ricky: Yeah, did a quick history exam…

steve: Yeah..

karl: But have you ever had that, where you felt like “I’ve been given another chance here?”

ricky: Hmm, right , next one, that’s “Popsicle”, that’s “Popsicle Hell” we’ll call that, right? Next one…

karl: Ehh, which one’s the next one?

ricky: Oh, what about your paper round?

karl: ...right,

steve: Can I ask very quickly, did your life flash before your eyes like they say it did?

karl: No, I just sort of went really calm and like “I’m ready for this now”

steve: Right

karl: I wasn’t bothered, you know what I mean?

steve: You had no regrets?

karl: No, no, erm.. it was weird, really weird

steve: Yeah

karl: But anyway, the paper round one, eh paper round... Still say it’s the best job I’ve ever had.

ricky: And he means it!

karl: No, I really enjoyed it, it’s like you know.

karl: You don’t have to work with anyone else, right? So you make your own rules.

ricky: Just think of that

steve: Yeah..

karl: Um, you know, um..

steve: You’re spreading information!

karl: Yeah

steve: Vital information…

karl: Givin’ them a service. And, no one else is around, you can just do what you want and think about stuff while you’re cycling around on your bike. It’s really good.

ricky: Yeah

karl: So, um, so anyway..

steve: Imagine the stuff he’s thinking about when he’s riding his bike.

ricky: Karl, it’s like getting in the head of a salamander…

karl: So anyway, I loved it and even though I only got like 50p a day right, no matter what the weather was like and stuff I used to get up at half past four and eh, go and do the round and erm...

ricky: Why did you get up at half past four?

karl: ‘Cos I wanted to watch the Pink Panther at five thirty so I wanted to get me paper round done

ricky: I said why didn’t you watch the Pink Panther,

steve: ...And then do the paper round

ricky: He went “aw, I can’t sit there thinking I’ve got me paper round to do”

steve: It’ll ruin it for him

ricky: Yeah, so is it a good job or not?

karl: Four thirty I was up, up and about and this morning it was like winter really bad winter, bad snow you know, freezing cold, really windy and all that. And me Mam said to me before I went to bed, she said “don’t be getting’ up tomorrow, I’ll give you the 50p”, I said “it’s not about the 50p”…

karl: You know, people want the papers and stuff…

ricky: Conscientious…!

karl: So um, ah.. So I went to bed thinking, you know that’s it, I’m, I’ve told her I’m still going , so you know whatever. Go to sleep, get up in the morning and put all me kit on and I used to have layers of clothes on ‘cos it was really cold. I had like a big anorak on with the fur on and I had water proof pants and I got me paper round bag and eh, I went down stairs to get out and tried to open the door and it was locked so I thought “oh god..” so she’d locked it so I couldn’t go out. So I’m searching ‘round the house looking for the keys, she must’ve hid ‘em somewhere. I thought “oh god, you know, I’ve got the papers to do” so I thought “how can I get out?” so I went upstairs, climbed outta the bathroom window..

steve: God!

karl: Right? And, to try and jump out of the bed- bathroom window onto the porch, but the problem was I had so gear on I was like the Mitchlinn Man, so I could hardly move as it is

steve: Yeah

karl: I tried to get out the window, and I’m tryin’ to stretch down like that, get me foot on the porch, and me bag got caught on like the hook of- do you know how you have like a hook so you can pop the window open..

steve: Right… yeah yeah.

karl: The little arm goes on. Me bag had got caught on that, I was holding onto like the wall and me foot on the thing so I couldn’t sort of pull it, pull it away, in case I pulled it away and fell on me head..

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, I’m stuck there…

ricky: Danglin’

karl: Danglin’, me Dad comes back from working nights,

steve: Yeah

karl: ‘E thinks I’m a burglar..

steve: Gets out his gun…

karl: So, so he’s shouting and stuff and going mad and I’m going “Dad, it’s me” and he had to give us a hand with, using a...

steve: He’s heard that wily trick in Manchester before…

karl: He had to help me using a washing prop thing- a big stick

steve: What did he do?!

karl: Well he said, “just hold on for your dear life and I‘ll sort of push the paper bag off the hook”

steve: Why didn’t he go upstairs and sort it out?

karl: It was at that point where I was in the middle and there was nothing you could do, you know what I mean? Its at that point where you just gotta make a decision and by the time he got upstairs, who knows what would have happened.

steve: Sure

ricky: Yeah

karl: You know what I mean, and you gotta act there and then, no messin’ around.

steve: Yeah, yeah

karl: Um, so…

ricky: And you could hear downstairs “Now here he is the Pink Panther”, “Dad!”

steve: Hurry up!

ricky: “Panther is ever so pink” oh!

karl: So that was close to death ‘cos I must have been about 30 foot in the air

steve: Yeah

karl: And I would’ve you know, that would’ve been nasty if fell to the concrete pavement so..

steve: Sure, and um..

ricky: Well, there’s more to come, shall we play a record and come back to this ‘cos got more?

steve: Oh yeah, no… There must be one of them where you did fall on your head, this is the one I’m waiting for. There’s gotta be one. That would explain so much.

ricky: Yeah

karl: I nearly did, I nearly broke my back once

steve: Jeez

karl: Me Dad said I bet I can’t kick me height and I said “I bet I can” and uh..

ricky: I don’t remember this, you didn’t tell me this one.

steve: You don’t, I bet you can’t what?

karl: I was in the garden, Summer’s day, and it was that era when like doing Kung Fu and all that was like really popular and I was like messing about in the garden, punching a tree and stuff.

ricky: What sort of a kid he must have been

karl: And me Dad said “I bet you can’t kick your height”

steve: “Kick your height?” you mean kick as high as yourself?

ricky: Yeah

karl: Yeah, so I must have been like 5 foot or something then

steve: Yeah

karl: And, eh, I said “’corse I can,” he siad “I bet you can’t” but instead of doing it on the grass, I did it on like, the concrete bit.

karl: Kicked it, actually did it, I went “there you go” but didn’t like get me foot down quick enough.

ricky: Oh, you , you paused, paused to say “there I’ve done it” as opposed to putting your foot back on the ground.

karl: And, eh, landed on the ground and I still get back trouble now.

steve: Do you?

karl: ‘Cos they say that don’t they?

ricky: So you, uh, cut a long story short, he gave me about four or five near death experiences and he went and the whole point of this, he went “so that’s why I think I’m gonna die of something horrible, like Cancer” and I went “Why?” he went, right, you ready for this?

steve: Yep.

ricky: He said “Well I don’t check me balls.”

ricky: Wait, he said “I don’t like the feel”

steve: Karl, Karl, always check your balls.

ricky: “I don’t like the feel?” Why don’t you like the feel? Of your own balls?

karl: They just… I mean, you know I don’t like bodies anyway…

ricky: Right...

karl: Do you know what I mean, it worries me a bit that you’ve got all that going on in your body and your skin is keeping it in place.

steve: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, we’re going down a whole ‘nother avenue or discussion, let’s play a track and come back to it.

ricky: Oh! Right, I’ve brought in this, this is Free, uh, erm, you’ll know the jeans commercial.

steve: Yeah “Alright Now”

ricky: Long time ago ,“Alright Now”, this is a great little track, it‘s “ My brother Jack”

ricky: Stereophonics, “Vegas 2 Times”. Xfm 104.9. Into the last hour.

steve: Yeah

ricky: And then, three shows to go!

steve: True enough.

ricky: ‘Til we’re off the air. I’m Ricky Gervais

steve: With him, Steve Merchant.

ricky: Karl. Alright?

karl: Yeah

ricky: Go on, tell your, we, we were cut short last week, you, you had an amazing story about Neil Armstrong didn’t ya?

karl: Well, we’ve been doing quotes, haven’t we, like famous quotes.

steve: Yes

ricky: Sure

karl: That have like, gone down in history

ricky: Yeah

karl: And um, I was saying you know, quotes - don’t really matter

karl: It’s more the situation that you’re that you’re in rather than the quote itself

ricky: Go on

karl: So, like Neil Armstrong, if he’d have said.. What, um, you know…

steve: “Tie bacon ‘round your head!”

ricky: “I’m as happy as a pig in dust!”

karl: Yeah, that would’ve still gone down in history as like the thing that Neil Armstrong said wouldn’t it?

steve: Yeah

ricky: Yeah

karl: But..

steve: Space has driven him mental probably would’ve been the er..

ricky: But, but, but he chose to say something profound and meaningful eh, to befit the situation…

karl: Which was…?

ricky: Um, well he got it wrong actually, it’s um, ah, “small, small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” but he was meant to say.

steve: Well, we discussed this last week, stop showing off..

ricky: Yeah, yeah, well, people might not’ve listened last week

steve: It doesn’t matter

ricky: I mean, I can’t imagine people..

steve: Well, we’ll tell ‘em every week then

ricky: Eh, but he said ah, he should have said “this is one small step for a man” but anyway…

karl: Yeah

ricky: He had a good effort.

karl: And that’s, that’s what I, that’s an example of what I’m sayin’, how he got it wrong but it’s still went down in history.

steve: Right.

karl: But anyway, the bit that… and it didn’t happen anyway, did it?

ricky: What do you mean, “it didn’t happen anyway?”

karl: That’s what a lot of people say. That, no one’s actually been on the moon.

steve: Ah, yes of course.

ricky: They, they filmed it in Teddington Studios.

karl: Well, they were saying something about, there was shadow on the film and you wouldn’t get shadow on the film and there’s all sorts of things.

ricky: These people that you always quote as “They”..

steve: Who are they?

ricky: Are they living in jars? Are they little fellas in jars? Go on.

karl: Look, you know..

steve: Do they appear to you in dreams?

karl: I spoke to different people about it and there’s loads of little things that if you watch that program you know of them being on the moon, there is no way they could have done it.

steve: Right.

ricky: Done.

steve: Fine.

ricky: Done! That’s put to bed! Good.

karl: But anyway, as he was getting back on the spaceship or on the moon or whether it be a tv studio…

steve: Yeah.

karl: He said ah, “good luck Mr. Croucher”.

steve: Right…

karl: Have you heard this?

ricky: No.

karl: And the reason he said that was because when he was a young kid and he was play- I think it was Croucher, but when he was playing as a young kid in his garden, he was playing baseball with his mate and he chucked the ball to his mate and his mate hit the ball and the ball went over the fence to the next door neighbour, so he goes “right, I’ll just nip over and get the ball.” And as he was getting the ball the window was open to his neighbours house and he heard like the woman shouting at her husband saying “I’m not gonna be giving you…” erm, bit rude, so if you got a kid in the car or whatever, turn it down… wai- yeah, that’s covered that, yeah. Right, um…

ricky: Genius!

karl: “I’m not giving you, I’m not, no matter how many times you ask me, I am not gonna be giving you oral sex, the day I do that, man would‘ve walked on the Moon.” Right?

steve: Right.

karl: He grows up, he gets on the moon, he remembers all that story and as he gets back on the space ship he say’s “good luck Mr. Croucher.”

steve: Now, do you know, I have to say, I’ve heard this story before but when I heard it the woman said “du-du-du-dah I give you a blow job is the day the boy next door walks on the moon” which makes it all the more funny and enjoyable.

ricky: Impossible.

steve: Yeah and unlikely.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, but yeah, I’ve heard the same story Karl.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Look at how pleased he is…

ricky: I love that.

steve: So, not only have you remembered that anecdote which may or may not be true but of course you’ve also that it never even happened.

ricky: “The day I give you a blowjob that kid in the garden is probably gonna walk on the moon and say summat about giant leaps”

karl: But, um, yeah you must have heard the thing that it never actually happened?

steve: Yes, we’ve all heard it, we’ve all dismissed it as nonsense.

ricky: And moved on!

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Yeah

steve: And got on with out lives.

ricky: Right, Karl,

karl: What?

karl: Shall we do White Van Man?

steve: You didn’t, you didn’t prepare me for that, we better play a track and I’ll fish out the newspaper and stuff.

ricky: Oh, this is a good little, a good litte um, bootleg track from um, Meats and Poultry , yeah? They’ve mixed, um, “A” with “OutKast”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ‘Course.

steve: Is it highly illegal?

ricky: It is.

steve: So people shouldn’t rush to their tape machines now and press play and record.

ricky: OK, so what ever you do just don’t record this now, don’t say anything.

ricky: Well, that bootlegs going under the name of err, Nothing Ms. Jackson - I think by er, Meats and Poultry, so there you go.

steve: I do love these bootleg things, cos they're so pointless, but they're so enjoyable.

ricky: Yeah, its great! Cos they're fun to..

steve: Yeah, really good fun!

ricky: But not as much fun as: White Van Karl

steve: White Van Karl! Absolutely! Do you wanna explain the premise?

ricky: Well, we take something The Sun asked someone else, and ask Karl. Its as simple as that.

steve: That's that.

ricky: The Sun have just taken a normal person, we've flipped it!

ricky: We're gonna ask Karl the same questions about the week's news.

steve: Yeah, just basically your opinions Karl, as ever. What do you make of, well obviously the big news, David Beckham's broken foot. Is this a big concern for you?

karl: Nah. I mean, its sad. You know? Its sadder for him more than anyone, cos, you know, to be in the World Cup is like the main thing for him, innit?

ricky: Yep.

karl: But he 's still a young lad. And err.. I don't think he will give up, I reckon he will still turn up. It will be alright. And err.. Yeah, good luck to the lad. You know I like David, i'm not gonna slag him off.

steve: He says that like he knows him! Like he's popping round for drinks later!

ricky: Yeah, like we tried to stitch you up. Go on.

steve: But um, obviously yesterday- Was it Yesterday? I think maybe Thursday, The Sun printed a big picture of David's foot and encouraged everyone to touch it at midday. Hoping this would somehow um- If we all thought and prayed together somehow that would make his foot heal. Do you believe in that?

karl: No.

steve: Any belief in that?

karl: No. No, you're going down the old Uri Geller route aren't you?

steve: Sure.

karl: And its stupid. I mean its nice effort and everything. It sort of cheers everyone up..

ricky: Hold on! You believe in ghosts and warlocks..

karl: Yeah!

ricky: ..and licking toads! Why is that anymore stupid than all those things?

karl: It just it.. Its not gonna work is it?!

ricky: Oh, alright!

steve: Fine.

karl: Its rubbish!

ricky: Ok.

steve: Ok, err.. What about this then? There's apparently now available, £1.5 million apartments available on an exclusive ship which sails around the world.

ricky: Yeah, its like a..

steve: What do you make of that?

ricky: ..its a huge thing and you just.. You live on it. And its.. I mean in theory...

karl: How big is it?

ricky: Its mental!

steve: Its a huge luxury liner.

ricky: Its like a town centre!

karl: Do you know like, how people think The Titanic was the biggest ship? Was that only then?

ricky: Yes.

karl: They've got bigger ones now haven't they?

ricky: Yep.

karl: Alot bigger?

ricky: Oil tankers are much bigger, and yeah..

karl: No, but actual..

ricky: Liners? Yeah, it was the biggest then, yeah.

karl: Cos me mam told me there was one that was that big, that it had like, rough areas on it.

steve: Don't go starboard!

ricky: Oh God!

karl: No, but do you know what I mean? It was like a...

ricky: That's great! We're thinking of moving!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We're seeing the captain! We're thinking of moving to a nicer area!

steve: I heard they're very rough in Aft!

ricky: Oh God! Oh, that's fantastic!

steve: They steal your tires!

ricky: A ship so big there was rough areas!

karl: How big is this one you are talking about?

steve: Well I don't know, it doesn't give me the specifications here, but..

ricky: They're huge. In theory.. Its that thing with um.. its obviously marketing.. but they're gonna solve the overpopulation crisis. Where soon, we'll all just be floating round the sea. But..

karl: Yeah! Yeah.

karl: I can see that, cos I mean... Think about it! Right, I've been talking to Ricky about it. I was hoping to buy somewhere in London, but there is no way in this world that I can afford it, right? And you look at all the wasted space, like with the Thames.

karl: All its doing is like collecting crisp packets and stuff..

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...and coke cans and people have to clean it up. Whereas if you think... if you got a load of boats on there...

steve: Yeah.

steve: Perfect.

karl: ...problem solved.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Problem solved.

steve: Would you live on a boat?

karl: What's his name did it, didn't he? What's that program? Is it Bergerac?

steve: Noah.

karl: No.

steve: Burgerac?!

karl: There was one where he lived on a boat I think it was..

steve: That was Shoestring.

karl: Yeah, I'd give it a go anyway.

ricky: Noah!

steve: I'd like to see you living in the air, maybe in a giant hot air balloon.

karl: Yeah, alright.. But, erm.. No, the boat thing.. Cos, it is gonna get bad as well isn't it? They're saying the waters melting or whatever.

ricky: The waters melting, yeah.

karl: The ice is melting.

ricky: Yep. The polar ice...

karl: There's gonna be more water, and less land.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So in the future its probably gonna be the way we're gonna be living innit?

steve: Have you seen that film 'Waterworld'?

karl: No, don't fancy it. Is that what happens?

steve: Cos that sort of predicts that, yeah.

karl: What, they're saying the ice things will melt?

steve: Exactly, yeah.

karl: But at the same time.. I was thinking about this a couple of weeks ago. If you get.. I mean, I think I read a couple of weeks ago, that a big chink of ice fell off one of the ice.. What do you call them?

ricky: Caps.

karl: Ice caps. Something like the... I think they said it was like the size of the Empire State Building or something...

ricky: Right.

karl: It snapped off, and went into the water, and its melted. And they're saying "Oh, its bad news, you know, something that size is melting." But the way I look at it, if something that size falls into the water, its like a big ice cube, and its gonna freeze it up again. Are you with me?

ricky: No.

steve: Not really Karl!

ricky: Go on.

karl: Right, you get a giant ice cube...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...the size of the Empire State Building...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...and stick it in the water...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...its gonna make... Its gonna stick back on again isn't it?

ricky: What do you mean it sticks back on again?

steve: Well no, only if it freezes up again.

karl: Well it will freeze it up, cos the waters gone cold again cos you've just put a giant ice cube in the water!

ricky: So when you put an ice cube in a drink, the drink doesn't freeze does it?! The ice melts!

karl: If you put on the size of the Empire State Building in your glass of Jack Daniels, its gonna make it freezing.

steve: Its not going in a glass of Jack Daniels! Its going in the ocean!

karl: I know, but.. You see, I'm using my fables.. Imagine a world..

ricky: Use your brain instead!!

karl: Imagine a world.. Imagine the sea..

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Like the Arctic or whatever..

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ..as a glass of Jack Daniels.

ricky: Okay.

karl: A big ice cube falls into it.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It freezes, it melts back on again! So we're alright, I don't know why everyones worrying!

steve: Thank God for that, I was getting panicked!

ricky: Oh, fine!

karl: Do you understand what i'm saying?

ricky: Yeah. No, your right. That will happen.

steve: Shall we play some more music, and then come back to White Van Karl?

ricky: Yeah, this is it better than ever!

steve: This is dynamite this week!

ricky: ..on XFM 104.9. We're doing White Van Karl. Got another one there?

steve: Err, well, your thoughts really on the Queen mum's very British sendoff, which she was given this week.

karl: Yeah.

steve: What do you make of all those people queuing up to see her? Did you think that was incredible?

karl: Right. We said last week, you know.. I don't quite understand why there was so many people there, who were like getting really upset. Do you know what I mean? Really upset, crying and stuff and... You know, you can lose someone who 's like, related to you, and you don't cry like that. You sort of, sit there and think back to what you did with them and stuff, and then thats it. But erm.. The queue thing.. Wasn't it like miles long and stuff?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It was, yeah.

karl: I was sat there watching this with Suzanne, right.

ricky: 12 hours queuing!!

karl: Yeah.

steve: It never got to 12 hours!

karl: It did!

ricky: That was the estimated time.

karl: No, hang on.

ricky: How long is a queue when they're just like.. you know.. walking along. Think how far you can sort of like.. stagger, in 12 hours!

steve: Incredible.

ricky: It would have been ridiculous! Go on.

karl: Yeah. But, again, you know, if they want to do that, its there time and that, isn't it?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And it was at the weekend, so they could have.. It's not as if they got out of work to do it.

ricky: No.

karl: I mean, they used their own time, so good on them. But I thought, right, what they could have done.. Remember when I studied Che Guevara?

richy and steve: Yeah.

karl: Right. And don't be offended by this, it was just an idea, cos they did it with Che Guevara. Remember when they cut him up? Remember that?

steve: Yes, they cut him up, yeah.

karl: What was the reason for cutting him up?

steve: Well, they cut up Che in order to try and... You told us they cut him up in order to send bits of his body to Fidel Castro, and various other people, wasn't that right?

ricky: As a warning, wasn't it though, to all the people? One to...

steve: Yeah. My understanding is that they cut him up in order to... so that they could bury him in different places, so that there we would be one no shrine. Not one place you could go in order to, to make him into a martyr.

karl: Right. A little bit like that, i've like...

steve: I think I can see where this is going!

karl: Six queues. And its like, number one, you can, you know, go and pay respects to her head, or whatever.

ricky: Oh God.

karl: No, but think! I was just was thinking a...

ricky: God.

karl: ...way of speeding it up. I'm not having a go, cos they haven't done it, so it doesn't matter.

ricky: God.

karl: But, they did it with Che Guevara.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Everybody would have felt like they got close to her, and it would have speeded it up.

steve: But, I mean.. I understand the head...

ricky: Can I just say, genuinely, Karl is not being disrespectful here, this is his best idea to cut down the queues. So don't phone in, he's not suggesting that we should have done this. He genuinely..

steve: Well, he is!

ricky: Well, but I mean, he's not doing it do be nasty, or wacky, or... or you know... He thinks this is a good idea, so...

steve: Can I just fire a thought at you...

karl: They did it with Che Guevara, who was like a powerful man, he did a lot for the world and what have you.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: And...

ricky: Are you aware that... I feel slightly responsible for this, because... have you heard the quote, 'A little knowledge is a dangerous thing'?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Okay. Steve, next one?

steve: No, just a very quick question, I can understand those that queued for 12 hours to see the head, i'd be a little bit annoyed if I got there to find a toe!

ricky: I tell you what though! I tell you what they could to without chopping her up! They could put nine queues, each could see each hip she had!

steve: That's true enough!

ricky: Cos, she's had about nine of them!

steve: Yeah!

ricky: It could just be... If you want to see the whole body, its a 12 hour queue, if you want to see a couple of the hips...

steve: Here 's another suggestion, i've just thought.

ricky: What?

steve: Instead of everyone queuing to see her, why not put her on a trolley...

steve: ...and wheel her past everyone else?!

ricky: Running!

steve: Yeah, you could have some students on rag week, and combine it.

steve: Like when they're always pushing a bed, you know they could just run it along the queue. That would be fantastic!

karl: No, that would be disrespectful.

steve: Right, as opposed to the chopping up!

karl: So...

steve: Sure.

karl: It was just an idea!

ricky: Just, I'll apologise now!

karl: Yeah, yeah!

ricky: Anyone who was offended...

karl: Anyone offended, i'm sorry.

steve: And, finally, this is more frothy, Liz Hurley, laying low apparently at Elton John's house, to try avoid the press now that she has had a child.

ricky: That is a good place to go to avoid the press!

steve: Exactly!

ricky: Yeah!

ricky: Yeah, Elton John's house!

steve: Everyone seems to be friends with Elton John!

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Every celebrity seems to know..

ricky: Why do they keep popping to Elton John's house? What is he running some sort of..

steve: It was like, when Robby Williams was a drunkard, and a drug addict, he went to Elton John's for a day..

ricky: Yeah! And who 's the other fella who went there as well for somewhere to recuperate, and a shoulder to cry on? Is he giving out false passports, and like moustaches?

steve: I don't know if people have seen his history, he is not the man of, you know... I know he has cleaned himself up now, you know. I mean maybe that's it. He's got his, kind of, insight into how to deal with celebrity.

ricky: Yeah. I think they are just genuine mates with him...

steve: I suppose so.

ricky: ...I think he's just a friendly bloke.

karl: I think she has been doing too much lying low in the first place. Thats part of the problem isn't it?

steve: High five, Karl!

ricky: That was a genuine joke, from Karl there. And he is so proud of himself, look at his little face!

karl: Too much lying low!

ricky: That was White Van Karl.

karl: No, but I agree with you! Why can't she just go round to her mam or dads or something, rather than Elton John's where everyone is looking. Yeah?

ricky: Yeah!

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Thats the point isn't it?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: So, that was good, yeah?

steve: Very good, yeah. Right, what music we got? We got err..

karl: Bit of flaming lips?

steve: Flaming Lips, excellent. There's the classic Race for the Prize..

steve: The Flaming Lips and Race for the Prize, just playing that Rick for everyone who emails us in, we get a lot of emails every week but er we obviously don’t really respond to them because we’re very lazy people. But er we obviously appreciate it. And I played that particularly for er Claire who’s emailed in saying that her friend Sarah Prosser would like some Beatles. We’re not gonna play The Beatles this week but er Sarah apparently loves us more than words can express.

ricky: More than Karl could express.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: I’m gonna stop you there Steve ‘cause I want some adverts…

ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Spread Your Love on XFM 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Mitchell and now its Karl’s bit. Its Karl’s… It’s the re-education of Karl. He’s like Liza Doolittle and now he’s er coming through…or Lawnmower Man if you’ve seen that film. More like Lawnmower Man if you’ve seen the film you’ll know what I mean. Um, er and er he’s homework was to, just to study quotes really on, on happiness and stuff and general well being. He’s not a big happiness um, quote fan are you Karl?

karl: Not really.

ricky: So what have you done? You’ve come up with something haven’t you?

karl: Right, yeah I told you right, because a lot of these are just things you say every day, they’re nothing special. Erm, so what I’m doing…

steve: What so you say them every day?

ricky: …Yeah!

karl: Well the sort of things you come out with and you don’t even think about it. D’ya know what I mean?

ricky: Yep.

karl: They’re on the TV all the time, people on the radio saying these sort of little quotes.

steve: Sure.

karl: And erm, what I’ve done is remember that program on Channel 4, Faking It?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Where they got some like posh kid to be on a door and all that. What I’ve done…I’ve erm…

steve: Imagine if that was the pitch… for the show?

steve: Dear Channel 4… just gonna get a posh kid on a door or summat?

ricky: Yeah, come in.

steve: Yours sincerely, Karl.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: TV Producer.

ricky: Yeah, go on.

karl: So, what I’ve done… This little book of quotes, er happiness quotes, I’ve erm, I’ve picked two that are real.

steve: Okay.

karl: And I’ve made one up, right.

ricky: And we’ve gotta guess?

karl: And you’ve gotta guess which one it is…

ricky: Okay then, go on then.

steve: Well I tell you what Rick, why don’t we, when we’ve heard them, we wont confer.

ricky: No.

steve: You write down yours, A, B or C.

ricky: Yep. Yeah. Sure.

steve: And I’ll write down mine and we’ll see how it goes.

ricky: Right, okay Karl, off you go.

karl: Right and just ‘cause I’m, I’m looking at this book, it doesn’t mean I’m actually reading them…

ricky: No I know. No, no…

steve: Don’t worry; we’re clever enough to…

ricky: We can’t see them…

steve: Sorta like call my bluff!

ricky: Yeah, go on then.

karl: “Nothing is worth more than this day.”

ricky: Okay. Yeah.

karl: Right.

steve: Alright.

ricky: Yep.

karl: “The way I see it…”

ricky: Oh! Oh God! My heads gonna burst!

karl: No hang on!

ricky: My heads gonna burst!

steve: No, no this might not be Karl’s.

ricky: No, it might not be.

karl: How do you know I haven’t tweaked them a little bit?

ricky: Yep, good point, no, good point.

karl: “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”

ricky: Yep, okay.

karl: Right.

steve: Alright, yeah.

karl: Okay, hang on, that’s right, yeah…

steve: Come on…

karl: “…Cat food…”

steve: Cat food, come on…

karl: “…it stinks a bit, but, if you don’t put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.”

ricky: Steve! Steve! I don’t know what to say!

ricky: I don’t know what to say! Imagine this in Faking It, imagine their faces when he says that! Them going, "Oh my God!" Karl! play a song mate.

steve: We’ll have to confer on this one!

ricky: Universal, by Blur. Well that, that’s just amazing Karl. Just read ‘em again. Two, two were real and one was fake. Go on then.

karl: Right, er first one: “Nothing is… Nothing is worth more than this day.”

ricky: Excellent, next one.

karl: What does that mean?

ricky: Well, cherish, cherish now, cherish your time.

karl: Okay.

ricky: ‘Cause you er can’t get it back and you know…

karl: Yep, that’s the way I saw it.

ricky: And Carpe Diem or whatever it is, seize the day and all that.

karl: Okay. “If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain.”

ricky: Yeah, of course, yeah. Rough with the smooth, you know, it’s not all plain sailing but, you know, a rainbow’s beautiful but it come because of the rain which you might not like so…

karl: Yep.

ricky: …make the most of everything and…yep, good.

karl: Yep… “…Cat food doesn’t smell good, but, if you don’t put up with it, then the little kitten will die.”

ricky: Right! Now Karl, that is a good effort, now that one’s yours, I mean, obviously, right?

karl: Right.

ricky: Right, no, no! But it’s a good effort, right.

steve: I mean it slipped seamlessly into the others.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Don’t think it didn’t!

ricky: No but it, it’s good. I mean we knew it was, we knew it was that one, but um, what I will say is it’s good, but what you don’t know, maybe subconsciously, is I mean it, it’s…very similar to er, the ‘putting up with the rain and the rainbow’. But that’s good.

karl: Why? Why do you think that?

ricky: Well…

karl: What does mine mean?

ricky: Well, it… well even though it smells bad, it’s good for something.

karl: Right see I… I didn’t look at it like that.

ricky: What did you look at it at?

karl: Well I kinda thought…

steve: Was yours more specifically about cat food, generally?

steve: ‘Cause you know normally they’re like, it’s an analogy.

ricky: Yeah, or a metaphor for something, you know much bigger…

karl: Well, no, they way I see it…

steve: Dolly Parton I think did the rainbow rain thing and she wasn’t specifically concerned about weather conditions.

ricky: No.

steve: It was a sort of general idea.

karl: Yeah, yeah well that’s what I’ve done.

ricky: Go on.

karl: I’ve used an everyday thing.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And put it with today’s problems, right.

steve: Go on.

karl: So like, erm, my girlfriend, yeah. Erm, she might like to go shopping for clothes, and I hate it.

ricky: Right.

karl: But, because I, because I love her, I put up with it.

ricky: Aaah that’s nice.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So you, you love that little kitten, you can’t stand the smell of the stuff you’ve gotta feed it, but because you love it, you go, ‘well you know, I’ll put up with this just for a few minutes and then I can like squeeze it’s head later and give it a little…’

ricky: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Can we, can we go back?!

karl: You know, stroke its head and stuff.

ricky: Oh right!

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Sorry that was a bit of a slip wasn’t it?

steve: Squeeze its little head!

ricky: Yeah!

karl: Yeah but that’s just a thing that I do with cats…

steve: Put it in a bag and drown it in a lake…

ricky: I can feed it and then I can throw it against the wall.

steve: Exactly!

karl: See you didn’t see it like that did ya?

ricky: No that’s very good. So it’s about love is it? It’s about putting up with the bad things, for something you love?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Well that’s nice then…

steve: But, but, but, Karl, you seem now to be convinced and rather smug that you’ve tricked us and that you’ve fooled us and we didn’t understand it. Well I say that’s your fault and not ours!

karl: No it’s not though! I mean look at that man in Forrest Gump, he was a bit of a nutter…

ricky: A bit of a nutter!

karl: Well he came up with the ‘life is a box of chocolates’ thing. Now if that was in this book, you’d say ‘Oh yeah, brilliant, you know, good bit of work’. But if he was sat here doing the show with ya.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You’d be taking the mickey out of him.

steve: Sometimes I feel he is!

ricky: No but Karl, I could, I could… in fact, people out there, we’re too lazy, could you write down Karl’s ever said? ‘Cause I think that we could publish that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He said one today, he saw my um er salamander, it’s not a euphemism, he saw my salamander and it’s just sitting there in the tank…

steve: Your exotic pet?

ricky: Yeah and he’s worried about there not being a lid on and he said, I went ‘what you on about’ and he said, he said, well, he said ‘it sits there for twenty four hours a day, obviously planning to get out.’

karl: It’s got nothing else on it’s mind and it, the daft thing is it has actually got the like the lid ripped up a little bit, like. It’s got nothing else to think about.

karl: And it’ll be looking up there.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And it’s going to get out.

steve: But what’s the worst that could happen, Karl?

ricky: What’s it thinking? What do you think it is thinking this salamander?

steve: It’s got its eye on the DVD player?

steve: I can have it and be down the market.

karl: Well…

ricky: Oh, Oh god!

karl: Are they dangerous?

ricky: Can I just say something?

steve: Are they dangerous!

ricky: I think the salamander’s thinking exactly the same things as you. I mean to look at you you’ve got the same expression on your face, you know what I mean? Er, you’re dressed in green as well, it’s…you’ve got a round sort of hamburglar type head like the salamander, very similar, and yet you, you know…I think you bonded with t didn’t you? You were…

karl: Yeah but I, I probably would have tried to get out but my little paper round bag would just hang on a corner…

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Listen um, could we have more nepotism on the show.

ricky: Go on.

steve: I know that we er did that earlier with the, er…

ricky: We haven’t got long have we?

steve: We haven’t, you know my housemate I was working out with last week to Helen from Big Brother’s Dancercise video.

ricky: That’s just frightening.

steve: Yeah, er we’ve, we’ve kinda let that slip a little bit, I’ve gotta be honest, but anyway, he’s joined this band, they’re called er Fujiya & Miyagi, slightly difficult to pronounce, but anyway, this is a track that I think has been getting some play by er Nick Luscombe and John Kennedy on XFM, they got a gig this week at The Pool on Curtain Road, er that’s, 18th of April, Thursday, er let's play it Karl…

ricky: Can I just say I’ve got a fridge-freezer for sale, £400 or nearest offer!

steve: Fujiya & Miyagi, performing live uh Thursday, the 18th of April… uh at the Pool on Curtain Road. Admission is free, Rick, so I imagine you’ll be heading down there.

ricky: Yeah, I will. Well, I’ve enjoyed this show.

steve: Yeah, it’s been a good one.

ricky: It’s great, it’s been great. Karl, any more… oh, tell that story that you’re telling me about your dad when he was driving.

karl: It’s just that you were talking about… I mentioned “Forrest Gump”…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …and uh the Forrest Gump types, when my dad was a uh, when he was a taxi driver…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …you used to have uh… sort of do y—do your bit for the local area…

ricky: Oh God.

karl: …by taking the uh…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …the Forrest, the Forrest Gump people…

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: …to, to Blackpool.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is that what they’re called now, the Forrest Gump people?

steve: Is that what the uh, the organizations that support them…

steve: …ask for them to be referred to as?

ricky: With a, a minibus…

steve: Exactly.

ricky: …with “lifeisaboxofchocolates.com” Oh.

karl: Well, anyway.

steve: The Forrest Gump types.

ricky: It must be—so you, you work with these people, with pe—

karl: Yeah. It was the—yeah.

ricky: Yeah, the people with learning… difficulties.

karl: Difficulties, yeah. And you used to get five—

ricky: Comin’ home must’ve been a busman’s holiday.

karl: So he’d got five of them in the uh, in the cab…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …and he had to go to Blackpool, and four of them were really good, you know, behavin’ themselves, didn’t mess about, weren’t fightin’ and stuff but there was one who was just causin’ a load of trouble and they couldn’t control him.

ricky: Oh God.

karl: And what you’ve gotta be able to do with people like that, you don’t want them to get stressed out because it’s, it’s not good for them. It stresses them out and, and you could have a…

steve: Thanks, Dr. Karl.

karl: …you could end up with a bit of a riot on your hands.

karl: So… so he thought, “I’ll nip this one in the bud right now,” and he pulled up just on the outskirts of Blackpool, and uhm he took the one out that was causing problems, and put it in a wheelie bin.

ricky: Oh! No! Oh, I’m sorry! I apologize. Oh God.

steve: He did what?!

ricky: Oh God.

karl: He did it for the good of the others.

ricky: Oh!

karl: He put it in a wheelie bin—it was havin’ a good time, it thought it was one of the rides.

ricky: Can you stop saying “it”?

karl: Him.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He…

ricky: (under his breath) God.

karl: …you know, he was having a good time…

steve: Was he…

karl: …and he, once he calmed down me dad went back and… picked him up and he was fine, he had a good time.

steve: What, he left him in there the whole time the others were in Blackpool?

karl: No, he left him there, not, not the whole day, probably about an hour and a half.

ricky: In a wheelie bin?

karl: In a wheelie bin.

ricky: Why couldn’t he get out?

karl: Because, like, his arms were trapped on the thing, you know, there was…

steve: What, he’d tied him up?

karl: No, d’you know, like, when, ‘cause there—it was a big fella, and, like, he, he managed to get him in so his arms were down the side like that, so it was a, it was a bit trapped.

steve: Wasn’t he screaming and crying and stuff?

karl: It was making a bit of a no—noise, but it… d’you know what I mean?

steve: What, you feel a certain right?

karl: Well… but anyway that’s, I didn’t reall wanna talk about it, you just brought it up ‘cause of “Forrest Gump”…

steve: Do, do you, do his, you know, family know about this, is this the first time they’d have heard about this?

karl: He didn’t get asked to do it again.

karl: ‘Cause, ‘cause he had another, he had another problem similar to it where he had a, a little minibus…

karl: …and it was his job to take a load of old women to the bingo hall…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …and it was miles away. And uh he took ‘em there, there was no problem, about, about 10 old women in a, in a minibus.

steve: One of them was causing trouble…

steve: …so… so he pulled over.

karl: No. Right, so he took ‘em there, everything’s fine, he dropped them off, they had a lovely night…

ricky: “Not the bin!”

karl: …right, they had a lovely night, won a bit of cash, comin’ back it’s a bit of a late night, and they all started moaning at him, goin’, “I wanna be dropped of ‘ere! Take me there! I wanna be dropped off first, I’ve gotta get up early! Blah blah…” You know, “Me husband’s expectin’ me, I’m already late, take me ‘ere first, take me there!” And he just pulled up… in the middle of nowhere, said, “Get out.”

karl: And uh he made ‘em get out, and they all called for taxis… they charged that company who was meant to be takin’ ‘em home in a minibus, and he got the sack.

steve: Jeez.

karl: But a similar sort of story where you can’t be dealing with it when people can’t, don’t sort of just calm down and, like, solve the situation.

steve: Yeah.

karl: They’re just all like, “I wanna be dropped off first, take me here first…”

steve: Yeah. So he acts like a madman.

steve: Good.

ricky: Oh, that was great!

steve: Oh, we have a, we gotta crack on, haven’t we, really, we uh…

ricky: Says so much!

steve: …yes, uh Nick Drake, A Song for the Ladies this week from the album “Bryter Layter,” “At the Chime of a City Clock.”

ricky: Goodbye! Goodbye!

steve: Yeah, see you next time.

ricky: Bye!

XFM Vault hosted by the Internet Archive