XFM Vault - S02E01 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Oh, ho, hooooo.

ricky: That’s Feeder and “Come Back Around.” It’s a new leaf, Steve of - I’m goin' to, to, do properly now I’m not gonna be slufflin’, I’m sittin’ up straight you see-

steve: Yep

ricky: -and it’s jus’ gonna be a proper DJing, cos I figure… Coming up soon some great tracks including a new one from Abs and an old one from Snow “Infoooormer.”

steve: A licky boom boom dooooown.

ricky: I’m joking of course. We’ve got some fantastic tracks-

steve: Good stuff, yeah

ricky: -some great chat, we’ve got Karl who’s-

steve: Some great chat.

ricky: -Steve, I’m Ricky Gervais on Xfm 104.9.

steve: There he is indeed with him Steve Merchant and uh Karl Pilkington of course. Say hello, Karl.

karl: Alright.

steve: Yeah, nice. And uh, you you say you were in-

ricky: The beginning of a radio show is very much your wares, your shop window laying out your stall. I don’t think you can choose a better track than The Only Ones “Another Girl Another Planet.”

steve: I’d love to hear it.

ricky: One of my favourite intros, that.

steve: Amazing.

ricky: Oh that was dangerous. Cos I once heard on Capital radio, um, “This has got to be the greatest rock intro of all time,” and they played “Money for Nothing” by Dire Straights.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Yeah, I can just imagine them putting their head down-

steve: I remember a friend of mine at uh, when I was at school, he he just bought a car and he took me outside to show off the stereo system. “Money for Nothing” just uh, just played that. I’d never heard the song before. Just played that for its entire 4 or 5 minute duration-

ricky: It is a good song for uh

steve: -to show off the uh sound system.

ricky: Yeah it’s a good song for showing off intros and sound systems.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You said you were driving along earlier you saw someone uh-

ricky: Are you, are you uh yeah pl- yeah it was one of those souped up sort of um, uh, sporty saloons.

steve: Nice.

ricky: You know that people put out like a Mondeo or something one of the big- and uh, it was blaring out and the bloke in it was sorta like- I could tell he was 24 but already going bald.

steve: Ssss, yeah.

ricky: From from like obviously his estate agency job.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But he’s made a bit of money and he’s got uh, and the stereo system was ridiculous-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -I mean so loud and it was going through Covent Garden. He was playing Snow “Informer.”

steve: Ha. Awwww. I just, do people remember “Informer” by Snow? It was a big tune back in-

ricky: I don’t. I don’t know. It’s, it’s great I, I always enjoy it.

steve: Can I bring that in next week? Can we play Snow next week?

ricky: No. We can play a tiny little bit of it.

steve: Tiny little bit of Snow before-

ricky: Yeah, I’m-

steve: Do you remember Snow, Karl?

karl: Uh yeah uh loved it-

steve: You know, a big tune

ricky: Loved it. Oh did ya?

steve: Big tune from the 90’s.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Happy song, innit?

steve: Rick, you were saying that you’ve turned over a new leaf-

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Is that in all aspects of your life or is that just in your broadcasting career. Because uh, the reason I bring that up is because, do you wanna describe what you were eating just now when we came in? Cos you’re a forty- you’re a forty year old man and you’ve put on-

ricky: No now listen-

steve: -a little bit of weight so presumably you’re watching what you eat.

ricky: Well, no but it sounded exotic-

steve: Can I- go on.

ricky: -I went into a café, and I didn’t- they didn’t have a cheese sandwich-

steve: Right.

ricky: And uh-

steve: Can I describe what it looked like to me?

steve: Right, it looked to me like a big slab of cheese you’ve just got them to just cut off a big block of cheese like the size of a CD case-

steve: -that, one of those double albums, alright, of cheese, right. And just lightly melt that for me-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -so it drips over my hand and-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -it gets really greasy in the bag. But just lay some strips of bacon on the top.

ricky: Yeah, but listen you’ve embarrassed yourself-

steve: Is that what it was?

ricky: No it’s a croque-monsieur so it’s French.

steve: It’s a what?

ricky: A croque-monsieur.

steve: A croque-monsieur.

ricky: Yeah, and so I got- I thought, ooo.

steve: I’ve never heard of a croque-monsieur-

ricky: You’re having a l- see you’ve embarrassed yourself.

steve: Is that how it’s pronounced?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Or is it croque-monsieur?

steve: Oooooh.

steve: Eh, eh? You didn’t expect me to be bringing out the French, eh?

steve: Tu aimes la musique pop? Oui, Je t'aime la musique pop!

ricky: La plume de ma tante.

steve: Ou est le syndicat d'initiative?

ricky: That means… my aunt’s pen.

steve: So wh-what was it then, a croque- it was a croque-monsieur?

ricky: Yeah, and it was just too greasy and it was just too- and it was all wobbly, I-I-I-I when I like toast I like it to be crisp.

steve: Sure.

ricky: It’s the thing with like, wh-wh- this is rubbish. Play Coldplay.

ricky: Coldplay that’s alright, innit?

steve: Yeah it’s not bad.

ricky: Yeah. Nice, a nice little track. Well Steve, um, we’ve been away now for what 12, 13, 14 weeks.

steve: Is it r-really?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Wow.

ricky: I just, been looking forward to coming back. It’s great, it’s great to be back.

steve: Ha. Yep, yep.

ricky: And, uh.

steve: Yeah we’ve had uh some-some-some laughs some tears in the- in the interim, I imagine.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Uh, we’ve had a few ups and downs whilest we’ve been working on the, TV show The Office, BAFTA winning.

steve: Uh, coming soon to BBC2. But uh we’ve-

ricky: Thirteenth- thirteenth of September

steve: But Rick I just need- I just want to mention something quickly to you. Um-

ricky: Go on.

steve: When did I last see you? I saw you yesterday, didn’t I?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um, cause we went up to Edinburgh yesterday we were- we were very nicely uh invited to go talk at the uh Edinburgh International Television Festival-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It was quite a big deal we went up there and we were interviewed and Ricky chose to go on the train cause it takes like 4. Is it 4 and a half hours or something on the train?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But it’s quite leisurely-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -it’s quite sort of gentlemanly thing to do.

ricky: Yeah yeah.

steve: I opted to go for the plane option, and fly up there.

ricky: Yeah, more modern.

steve: Exactly and they-they bankrolled that they paid for it all and-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -and that was all um very nice and as I recall when I last saw you uh, we got a cab didn’t we? And-and you asked if you could get the cab to drop you off at the train station.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And they took me on to the airport.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um, did I- now that was- that was before I- the last time I saw you was before I got to the airport and missed my flight wasn’t it?

steve: Because I- because I had to drop you off in the center of town.

ricky: That’s not true.

steve: Yeah, tha- that was- so that was just before I had to pay a hundred and sixty five pounds to upgrade to another ticket.

ricky: How did you not tell me that in the last hour?

steve: A hundred and sixty five pounds, Ricky, I had to pay because we dropped you off at the train station. So I mean do you want to go halfs on that or what d’you wanna- how do you wanna deal with that- how d’you wanna sort that whole- that whole mess out?

ricky: Why were you late?

steve: Well, why was I late? Because we dropped you off in the center of Edinburgh and do you know how hard it is to get out of Edinburgh in rush hour traffic?

ricky: But it was only- it was only 3 minutes away so you’d have missed it anyway.

steve: No no because if we’d have gone the other direction it’d have been 20 minutes it took me like an hour to get to the tr- to the airport. And I got there and the plane had already left and the cabby was just laughing. He was saying, “We’re never gonna make it.” He goes, “You were a religious man you had better start praying.” I thought he was being facetious. He was absolutely right. A hundred and sixty five pounds.

ricky: But hold on why didn’t he tell you that when he wh- when he picked us up, what at, quarter past four?

steve: Well it makes you wonder. So obviously a lit- I’m a little bit annoyed. Cause you know I’m not a man who likes to sort of spend unnecessarily.

ricky: But wait, but wh- this is not my fault cause you were there when we made that decision. I didn’t impose this on you we both decided that I’d i- it’s both our fault. I mean it’s n-no one’s fault

steve: It’s both our fault it’s that- fair enough it’s all I wanted to hear. It’s both our fault therefore it’s both our financial obligation.

ricky: No.

steve: A hundred and sixty five pounds, just split that in half. Write a cheque, Rick, write a cheque, it’s fine I’ll-I- I trust you.

steve: You know?

ricky: Um phone in uh, I think everyone this-this is-

steve: You’re clearly responsible.

ricky: No of course I’m not. If you- if you share a cab and then one person’s lucky enough to not be late and one person is unlucky enough, and that’s what it is, bad luck, I don’t think you share the obligation.

steve: How about this-

ricky: It’s a- it’s a moral dilemma this, isn’t it?

steve: But it’s more than that though isn’t it?

ricky: Go on.

steve: Because let’s be honest,

ricky: What?

steve: Um even if you have known that it- I was gonna get there late you’d have wanted me to hang around just so you weren’t left around waiting for a train like you were.

ricky: No cause I got there-

steve: Cause you get bored sitting there-

ricky: No cause I’d have-

steve: So you’d have wanted me at least go in that cab with you.

ricky: I got there way too early. I actually got there about- I was there about thirty minutes early.

steve: Oh so you made it fine then that was-

ricky: Well exactly so I did, I’m-I- I sacrificed me hanging around for half an hour so you could get a quarter past 4. And the other thing is this: you were gonna get in at a quarter past 4 anyway.

steve: Yeah but I would- if I’d gone the other direction, not dropped you off in the center I would have been there in time.

ricky: Well would we, would we? Is that true?

steve: Well yes.

ricky: Well only God knows.

steve: Well and the cabby.

steve: What I’d mentioned it to.

steve: So-

ricky: I’ll tell you what’ll cheer you up. I’ll tell you what’s better than 80 quid. I’ll tell you what’s better than that, shall I?

steve: Go on.

ricky: Music.

steve: What you paying the whole hundred and sixty five?

ricky: Listen, no I’ve brought in a little track here um, Bruce Springsteen off the Tunnel of Love album and uh, I know you’re a Springsteen fan.

steve: I’m a Springsteen fan we should just qualify this cause I know people who listen to XFM obviously get a bit edgy about Springsteen.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They just think he’s this old kind of ludicrous 80’s rocker, the bandana, you know, the fly and the flag, which he never really was.

ricky: No that- no that was Bon Jovi.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Don’t- don’t confuse them.

steve: It is Bon Jovi. But seriously no, do you know what I mean he did write some great music in the 70’s.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And he just got a little bit kind of pompous in the 80’s but he still turned out, uh some amazing tunes. One of which I imagine is this one, Rick.

ricky: This one’s called “Brilliant Disguise.”

ricky: Bit of Springsteen there, “Brilliant Disguise” on XFM 104.9 I think that’s- that’s soothed you a little bit that’s uh that’s-

steve: Not really.

ricky: Take the blow, you know I- I ju- I just remembered something as well,

steve: 80 quid, Rick, 80 quid.

ricky: You know uh um we finished the talk at about sort of three and we had a couple of hours to kill before we got the, and that- that half two wasn’t it? we had a couple of hours before we got the- the taxi. And uh- and we were eating in this café, and uh a- and Steve said uh, “How long’s your train gonna,” and I said, “About four and a half hours,” and he went, “So you get- what time you get in?” I said, “I get in about ten.” He went, “Half six, me.” Like that, and he was quite smug and I went, “Yeah,” I said, “it is- it’s quite a long time I just gotta sorta relax, and all.” He went, “Yeah see but,” he said, “but I think I’ve come off better here. Cause usually you’ve organized all this stuff,” he said, “But I think you’ve chosen wrong here, I think.” I said, “I think you’re right.” Ha. Didn’t you?

steve: Yeah. Don’t you think those words weren’t coming back to haunt me as I was handing over a hundred sixty five note.

steve: All I was thinking was Ricky’s gonna be loving it-

ricky: And I was on the train in first class drinking, uh, John Smith’s.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And listening to my CD walkman.

steve: Yeah but I handed over my initial card. She said, “A hundred sixty five quid there,” and I went, “Fine.” I handed over my card and, it was a Switch card, she went, “We don’t take Switch.”

ricky: Don’t they?

steve: I was thinking how- what am I gonna do then? I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t know where I’m gonna get the money from.

ricky: What did you do in the end then? Cause did you have cash?

steve: Well luckily I had another card.

ricky: Oh right.

steve: And um, and she managed to accept that one but I- I don’t know what I would’ve done there. I don’t- genuinely don’t know what-

ricky: You didn’t tell me you had another card.

steve: Yeah I’ve got two cards.

ricky: Have you?

steve: Oh yeah, yeah.

ricky: Oh yeah yeah yeah, sure sure sure, yeah yeah yeah. Oh that is depressing.

steve: I was so depressed cause I just kept thinking about what I’d said to you.

steve: I’ve won this time. Cause normally I’m always like legging it for tubes or I’m just generally where I get stuck in the rain or circle.

ricky: And I just- I just get a driver or something. He goes, “Why didn’t you get me a driver?” I said, “It’s up to you, it’s up to you.” Do you know what I mean, every man for themselves?

steve: But this time it was four and a half hours and I was just in that forty minutes on the tr- on the plane there’d have been no problem.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Unbelievable.

steve: I’m so livid. D’you know I got off the- cause I was not very well over, I’m a bit ill at the moment and I got off the- the plane and I thought well I could get a cab from the airport all the way back home but, you know, I’ve already been stung for a hundred and sixty five quid. Got the tube, took me forever.

ricky: Really?

steve: I’m not gonna lie to you it took me forever. I got- I got in probably later than you did.

steve: At the eleven o’clock mark.

ricky: You didn’t really?

steve: No it wasn’t quite as bad as that.

ricky: Oh.

steve: But I was so depre- I’m really depressed, Rick. So I say 50 quid it served me right-

ricky: Well I know. But I mean Steve does not like to waste money and I- I mean- and by that I mean- I mean-

steve: I don’t like to spend money.

ricky: No um. We had- he had to go out and get a shirt for a photo shoot. Got quite an important photo shoot for the- I think the- the Times, alright. He went out he- buying a shirt- buying a shirt went out and planned it, right shirt. Came back four ninety- fourteen ninety nine from Henny’s?

steve: Henny’s fourteen ninety nine.

ricky: He knew where he was aiming. He aimed straight for Henny’s he knew- he knew where he could get a bargain. And this is a man-

steve: But I- it seems to me that at that kind of price you can throw em away after. You don’t even need to wash em really. You could throw em away use em like Kleenex.

ricky: Have you ever thrown one away?

steve: Noooo, no no no. Just scrape off the stains and keep on wearing it, Rick.

ricky: Remember that time when we went to the casino for my birthday and I was like a hundred quid down and some people were a hundred quid up or a hundred quid down, like that. He- after the three hours we were there was down twenty pounds, genuinely depressed.

steve: I was almost crying.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Cause I don’t- what it is is because it’s a- it’s a mug’s game gambling. It really is.

steve: Was that where we- cause I went there- it was one time we went in there where it was our agent’s birthday-

ricky: Oh that was another time we went, alright. And he was up and he- he’d got a- got a win he was thirty quid up and so I said, “It’s your round then.” And the round was more than thirty quid and he couldn’t believe it. And he sat down and he went, “I can’t believe it.” He said, “And I’ve bought him a present so I was already down.”

steve: Yeah.

steve: I tell ya I was already down cause I had bought our agent a gift. He didn’t- I didn’t see him buy a round. And you know that thing when you’re buying a round of drinks for people you don’t even know so it’s like what’s the story there why am I suddenly bankrolling you drinks? It’s like, I don’t know you people I’m not gonna get any kind of- I’m not gonna see you again to sort of reap the benefits at a later point.

ricky: Cause he came in with his three ten pound chips-

steve: I got- most of you are married or engaged so I’m not even gonna pull from it.

ricky: It was-

steve: It was a waste of time.

ricky: It was like-

steve: It was just pure generosity.

ricky: It was something like from Swingers cause you came into the cocktail bar holding three chips up worth ten pounds each.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And went, “Hellooooo,” like that.

steve: Yeah I was thirty pounds up. That’s a lot of money, Rick, in a, you know, Karl, you know that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Thirty quid you don’t wanna sniff at that.

ricky: I wh- wh- what song should we play. Let’s- we got uh bring lots of songs in, so I’m-

karl: Bit of eh, bit of Incubus.

steve: Ugh, just to make us more depressed.

ricky: D’you like that? D’you like that?

steve: I thought it was a bit slow.

ricky: I know but I’m a fan I think.

steve: I like slow songs but I-

ricky: I-I-I I’ve always been. I’ve always been a fan of- even from early days. I-I-I thought it’s by himself it was really great and much maligned. People didn’t like it cause they were expecting, like, you know,

steve: The Verve.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Urban Hymns and all that.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: But I- that’s- that’s great. On XFM 104.9.

steve: Who are you?

ricky: Ricky Gervais. Who are you?

steve: Steve Merchant.

ricky: Who’s that little round headed fellow over there?

steve: Oh he’s Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Karl. we haven’t had a lot of Karl today he’s a bit tired aren’t ya?

karl: Jus’ a little bit.

ricky: What happened? You came back from Edinburgh today as well didn’t you? On a plane?

karl: This morning.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Got an early- an early flight.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Um. It’s just annoyed me cos there’s there was like people on the plane fighting over, um, where they wanted to sit. Um-

ricky: Surely they’ve got designated seats.

karl: Well they have but that wasn’t good enough for them they wanted like- they wanted to sit next to their friends and that. It’s like you can’t cos you didn’t check in together so that’s- that’s the way it is.

ricky: Yeah they can’t.

karl: But the thing is it’s from Edinburgh. Forty minutes.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I just don’t understand this sort of-

ricky: You can stand for that long can’t ya?

karl: Well. Wh- why do you have to sit next to the person anyway, to be honest? I mean fair enough if you’re going on a long flight someone to talk to but for forty minutes it really doesn’t matter.

ricky: I never want anyone to talk to. I d- I don’t want anyone sitting next to me to talk to me.

karl: Why? Well, what are they there for?

ricky: What? I d- I don’t mean people I go with. I mean if I’m traveling alone and I sit next to someone I don’t want them to talk to me.

karl: Yeah but… I don’t really kn-

ricky: If I was travelling with you I’d really not want you to talk to me.

steve: Not if you’re gonna talk like this.

ricky: Yeah it’s this- this-

steve: Karl you sound like you’re suicidal, mate. It’s just a couple of people arguing. It’s over man.

ricky: Yeah, he’s a- he’s a-

steve: Why is this still stewing you off?

ricky: He’d of- he’d- he’d- he paid a hundred and sixty quid and he’s not whinging. He doesn’t care.

steve: A hundred and sixty five quid. Let’s get it right.

steve: If you’re gonna bring it up. If you’re gonna mention it.

ricky: It was like water off a duck’s back to him. He’s- he’s just- he goes ten- wait- he said- he said to me, “Rick, it’s only money is- and money is just something you have in case you don’t die tomorrow.” He’s got a great attitude towards money, Steve. It’s like, easy come easy go. So just, take a leaf out of Steve “I’m not spending that much” Merchant and you’ll have a happier life.

steve: Sorry I just need to defend myself for a minute. There are certain instances in life where, you see, you know you give me an attitude that I’m tight it’s not tight, it’s that-

ricky: No no no no no.

steve: No. Shut up. Let me defend myself. It’s not that I’m tight with money it’s that I want to get value for money at all times.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Because I- you know I’d- you probably got a lot of cash given to you maybe, as pocket money when you was a kid. Every penny I’ve ever had has been money I’ve earned.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So thirty quid I’m going to spend it wisely. Like, for instance, you- say you’re in a party- you’re at a party maybe at- in a bar it’s some- someone’s birthday. You get talking to a girl, right? Maybe you buy her some drinks, right? You’re chattin’ to her and then you’re chattin’ away for two hours and then at the end of the evening she says, “Oh da da da da da… I’ve gotta go I’m meeting my boyfriend now.” Right, she’s wasted my money and my time there.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That’s two hours wasted and money wasted, right? Now she should have told me straight away that she had a boyfriend and I wouldn’t have bothered with her.

ricky: Right.

steve: And I’ve thought about it and I’ve told her.

ricky: Right. What if she thought she was just having a chat with another human being.

steve: Don’t give me that attitude though, Rick, where you- I’m being deliberately deceived so people can extract money from me or interesting conversation.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: She knew what I was after it was obvious.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The drooling mouth, you know, the- the beady eyes.

ricky: And and and-

steve: And yet she was leading me on.

ricky: And she was a prostitute. And think how he felt about that I mean what a slap in the face.

steve: No let’s not try and cheapen it with that kind of cheap sexual innuendo right? She- she occasionally slept with me for- for money.

ricky: It wasn’t for money it was for meals.

steve: Yeah, no but the point was- but do you know what I mean? It’s just that sort of attitude generally in my life it’s like, don’t waste my time, you know. Don’t waste my time or my money, alright? Life is sh- uh the clock is ticking.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: As far as I’m concerned and, you know. And so just- if- if- if you’ve got a boyfriend you know, and I come up and I’m chattin’ you up just let me know and I’ll leave you alone I won’t bother you.

ricky: Or wear a badge.

steve: Yes please I’m glad you mentioned that cause I feel we should- they should definitely introduce some kind of badge system.

ricky: You see but the problem is that women without boyfriends will be wearing those badges now and you won’t be able to- you know what I mean? You won’t be able to say, “Have you really got a boyfriend?”

steve: Well I just think there should be some kind of- sort of- some sort of- there should be an etiquette. There should be an understanding.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know cause they know wh- they can see what I’m after.

ricky: They all can see it.

steve: Yes. I make it very clear.

ricky: You’re not- you’re not a subtle man.

steve: No I just come over and pant.

ricky: Do you still- do you still try and attract their attention by throwing small rocks at them?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: As they walk down the- does that- does that ever work?

steve: Occasionally.

ricky: Does it really?

steve: You know the desperate ones or homeless ones.

ricky: Oh the homeless ones.

steve: But-

ricky: He once, right. He said to me- he came in to… uh uh… work and he said uh, “I gave a homeless girl uh, a pound, right. Cause I fancied her.” He said, “Is that wrong? Is that really bad?”

steve: I don’t think it is you see-

steve: I don’t think it is because it seems to me she was an attractive homeless girl and she deserved some of my money.

ricky: I just imagine him slurring- I imagine him like going past loads of tramps going, “Get out there. Get a job.” And she was there he go, “Ahhh, helloooo.”

steve: But I have to say I did for a moment just pause and think to myself whether I could kind of scoop her up in my arms, take her back to my place and kind of turn her life around like My Fair Lady. You know what I mean and kind of teach her to speak properly and dress her up in smart clothes and take her out into sort of, society.

ricky: Yeah. I think that is one of your first mistakes was she said, “Listen, love, I’m up for it if I can hose you down.

ricky: That was where you went wrong.

ricky: Smiths “Cemetry Gates.” Great one, innit?

steve: Always cracking.

ricky: Off The Queen is Dead, voted best album of all time, I think. In an NME poll. I don’t think it is their best album.

steve: Strangeways Here We Come.

ricky: I agree. I I I agree.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Cracking.

ricky: Anyway, Karl, yeah so people were arguing on the pl- how- how did you enjoy Edinburgh by the way, anyway? Because I saw you up there briefly. You and um Nick Frost, your new mates, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg. You know, uh, he prefers them to us now?

steve: I know appar- I can tell that from just talking to him earlier.

ricky: He- he was just- and the way he was sort of lookin’ at them, uh over there, and he was just smiling at Nick Frost he’s- it’s his new best chum. You love Nick Frost don’t ya?

karl: Would you have preferred it, right, that I went to Edinburgh and w- and had to sit with some people that I really didn’t like?

ricky: No.

karl: Would you have been happier for me?

ricky: No. D’ya know, but I-I-

karl: Right, so I had a great time with Simon and Nick and they- and they’re nice people.

ricky: He kept going- he kept going to em- he kept going to them and went, "oi, oi, Nick tell Ricky that story." And he th- and Nick and Simon, “Well all it was, right…” and they’re ghost stories. That’s- he loves them because they believe in ghosts.

steve: Oh Karl.

karl: It’s not that-

steve: Have we taught you nothing?

ricky: Not because they have a great sense of humour. Just because they believe in ghosts he’s going, “Tell him that,” he goes, “how do you explain that?” I was going, “Well I wasn’t there.” What was that one you told me and it was completely wrong? About the-

karl: It was uh… oh yeah. Right this- years ago…

steve: Oh yeah.

karl: Uh some-

ricky: In olden days.

steve: Oh sure sure.

ricky: When ghosts roamed the earth.

steve: Once upon a time it could be.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Some doctor or something, he was into like the way bodies work. Um, they got their head cut off.

steve: Who did? The doctor?

karl: And. Yeah he was doing a bit of an experiment.

steve: And he cut his own head off?

karl: He- yeah.

steve: Ok.

karl: And it was about, um, he said, “When me head’s in the basket I’m gonna blink me eyes.”

ricky: Right.

steve: Ok sorry hang on, let- let him finish.

karl: And um…

steve: So the doctor has chopped his own head off and he’s told everyone I’m gonna blink my eyes.

ricky: No, no, no.

karl: His head’s in the basket and he goes like, “Right, I’m gonna blink me eyes about, you know, as many times as I can. So quick, count em.” And- and they count and they got to like fifteen before he- he d- died.

ricky: Right now this is how Karl told me that. Until Nick Frost explained that, Karl told like, he said, “Right, well a bloke, right he had his head cut off and as it- and it- and when his head was in the basket he went, ‘Count how many times I can blink.’” And I went, “Well that’s rubbish.” He went, “No.” And Nick went, “Well no well he actually said when my head’s in the basket…” he went and Karl went, “Oh right.” I said, “Karl, do you know the subtle difference? Do you see the subtle difference.”

steve: I have to say though, guys, I still don’t really understand what went on there. I really do- you both lost me.

ricky: Right the story is that a bloke who’d been found doing, um, you know.

steve: You mean that Karl has just explained it and that was a clear version?

steve: Cause, I still don’t know what you’re talking about Karl.

ricky: Well this bloke had his head cut off and- I don’t know, experiments against God he was a doctor in the, you know uh, in olden times.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And when they cut his head off um.

steve: Why did they cut his head off?

ricky: Um because it was uh- crimes-

steve: He was executed?

ricky: -against, exactly, yeah he was executed yeah. And uh, uh, he said to his assistant, “When my head’s in the basket I’m gonna blink, count how many times I blink and write it down as an experiment, right.” Karl told it to me like his head was cut off and he went in the basket and when his head was in the basket he looked up and said, “Count how many times I blink.”

ricky: Yeah, I love that. I love the difference in that story.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Both rubbish.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But you know, um one’s- one’s possible one isn’t-

steve: What? You believe anything that you’re told except when we tell you the truth.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, here’s one.

ricky: Christ.

karl: Ghosts and that, we got- we got talking about.

steve: Sure.

karl: And Nick uh, Nick said, “Right,” he said, “you’ll like this one.” He said um, “My uh, my auntie um, was having loads of problems-“

ricky: Why are you whispering? It’s not illegal to talk about ghosts on the radio.

karl: No but you, I’m uh.

steve: It’s the eeriness.

karl: So um, the auntie’s in the house, an’ that, and um, furniture’s moving about all the time.

steve: Oh God.

karl: And all that.

ricky: Oh this is- Steve he told me this one, this is such rubbish, mate.

steve: Now come on let’s listen let’s-

ricky: No really this is- I’m gonna sit back and enjoy, I’m just gonna watch your face, Steve.

steve: Alright sorry so I- just the beginning there, Karl, there’s a-

karl: So uh basically Nick’s auntie-

steve: Right.

karl: Um… in the house things moving around all the time and it was just annoying everytime she tidied up. It was like-

steve: It’s just annoying.

karl: -making a mess.

steve: It was one part annoying to two parts scary.

ricky: Yeah yeah.

ricky: Oh dear.

karl: So stuff was- stuff was moving around all the time and they said, “Right rather than-

ricky: Right we need a housekeeper, yeah.

karl: -rather than having the house a mess uh, until we sort this out-

steve: Stop it!

steve: I’ve got the vicar coming round. Stop moving stuff around.

ricky: I love this. Oh yeah go on.

karl: -they said-

ricky: That should be in the pants drawer.

karl: -let’s put all the furniture in one room, right.

steve: Right.

karl: So that, just have one room that’s a mess. And have all the others empty.

ricky: I love the poltergeist can’t really- he can move fur- wardrobes around but he can’t open a door to put it in another room.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Poltergeist’s going, “Ohhh, I’m just making this room messy. I wish someone would open the door so I could…” Go on.

karl: Yeah but so- so all this stuff’s in this room.

steve: So they moved all their furniture into one room?

karl: Everything. They put like the drawers in there everything and it was really uncomfortable cos they were all like on top of each other.

steve: They sat in the room with all the stuff?

karl: Yeah, they had to cos that’s where their three piece suite was.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Oh God. Oh God.

karl: So they sat there, right, all crumpled up and that. Nothing can move cos it’s so tight. Things- I think things were trying to move.

ricky: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

karl: But everything was so tight it just-

ricky: They foxed that poltergeist.

karl: So um, so anyway one night they sat there like, sort of a bit awkward watching the telly and that. And um, they hear some banging-

steve: Yeah.

karl: -in the next room. So uh, she goes, “Oh God what’s that?”

steve: Oh he hadn’t moved in had he? The ghost. Some of the empty rooms, he moved some friends and family in.

karl: There’s this banging about going on so she gets up, right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And what it is, they had the baby in the next room cos it wasn’t much room for the cot.

steve: Right, they left the baby in with the ghost.

karl: So they go into the room where the baby is

karl: And the banging-

steve: Yeah.

karl: It’s like- d’you know those plastic balls you get that you can chuck round the room and like, they go mental?

steve: Right.

karl: The ones that you chuck once and you can bounce around like crazy.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

karl: That was bouncing round the room.

steve: Wow, what the baby had thrown it?

karl: Hitting all the walls and the baby was there stood in the cot sort of laughing.

steve: Right.

karl: And looking at the ball and wherever it looked the ball went.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And then she said, uh, she said, “Stop doing that.”

steve: Yeah.

karl: And the ball just stopped.

steve: Did it?

karl: And it- and it rolled a bit and stopped.

ricky: Right.

steve: So the baby had thrown the ball and it was watching it as it bounced around the room.

karl: Well it wasn’t throwing it. It was in control of it.

ricky: No the point is, Steve, the baby had been doin- it had been the baby all along.

karl: The baby had been messing with the furniture. It was the baby that had the power.

steve: So it was super baby?

karl: It’s the baby that had the power. Special power.

ricky: It’s a baby with the power.

steve: Wh-wh-what’s the power?

ricky: It’s a baby that had the power. The power of telekinesis.

steve: Right.

ricky: They were then trying to convince me that uh, telekinesis was not like all the other stuff that I didn’t believe in. But that was a science.

steve: Right.

ricky: Telekinesis was possible.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Yeah it’s not- it’s not like ghosts and demons and uh all that stuff. Telekinesis is different.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That’s a science. Um-

karl: But Nick, but Nick’s auntie saw it and-

ricky: I love the fact that you are telling me that someone else’s auntie saw it.

ricky: So I should be- I should be satisfied with that. I- I should be satisfied with that. I mean-

steve: So does she still live in one room with all her possessions?

karl: No I think-

ricky: The baby grew out of it apparently.

karl: It- it grew up.

ricky: The baby grew out of it.

steve: So it doesn’t use its telekinesis powers anymore?

ricky: No.

karl: Well no it’s like in Carrie, innit? She- she was upset for a bit and then she got over it.

ricky: Ok, I’m just gonna say one thing, Karl, um, that was a film. Do you wanna play a record or?

ricky: The Vines “Get Free” alright, on XFM 104.9. Can I just tell you the story that Karl told me couple of weeks ago?

steve: Is this another ghost story?

ricky: Yeah it is yeah. Um… uh, I called up, I said, “What are you doing?” He said, “Ah,” he said, “I’ve just been reading ghost stories again.” He went th- and he said, right, he said, “You don’t believe in them but how do you explain this.” Right, I went, “Go on,” he said, uh, I’ll tell you as he told me it, he went, “Um, bloke right, just sittin’ at home, just sittin’ at home doin’ ya know, watchin’ telly with his cat. And, uh, the phone rings and it’s a bloke going uh, ‘Oh, uh, is that fire uh, in your oven okay now? Um, cause your wife called.’” And he went- Karl went, “Well, one there was no fire in the oven. Two he wasn’t married.”

ricky: I went, “Right, go on,” he went, “Well, then right, there was a knock at the door and there was two sort of people in sort of white coats and they’re going-" he said, "'Oh we’ve come about that fire. Your wife called us.'" He went, "'One, there isn’t a fire in my oven and two, I’m not even married, alright.'" And he said they saw the cat and they sort of, they looked at the cat and looked a bit weird at the cat, and the cat kind of… like that. And uh, he said, “And then he went back and sat down phone rings and it’s a door saying, ‘Did they sort out the fire in your oven that your wife told us about.’”

steve: Oooo.

ricky: He went, “One, there is no fire in my oven. Two I haven’t got a wife.” And Karl went, “What’d you think of that?” I went, “That’s not it.” He went, “Yeah,” I went…

steve: That’s the end of the story?

ricky: What, what, what? He went, “Well how do you explain that?” I went, “Explain what?” I thought he was gonna say…

ricky: A year later he got married but she died in an oven fire. Right, I thought it was gonna be like that and I went-

steve: That’s people winding him up.

ricky: Yeah, or- or um someone did report a fire in the oven and their name was Johnson and they looked up Johnson they got the wrong thing it was the gas board right. And they sent round to the wrong person, right. Do you not even- yeah, he went, “Yeah,” I said- uh I explained it to him. He went, “Yeah, why did they look at the cat funny?”

steve: Oh man alive, Karl. This is really weird, right. I was um- I was uh, in my house once, right, and the doorbell rang-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right, I open the door and there was no one there.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right. And then I looked across the street and-

ricky: There were some kids running-

steve: There were some kids running away.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Now how do you explain that?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There was another time, right, where like I opened the door and there was a bloke going, “You’ve ordered pizza.” I went, “I haven’t ordered pizza.” And I heard my mate upstairs giggling and putting the phone down.

ricky: Yeah how do you explain that? Karl, seriously what did you- why did you tell me that story and what did you think- what do you think that was weird about that?

karl: The fact that it was three different people…

steve: Is this all the informa- is that the entire story that you’ve-

karl: It was three different people hassling him about-

steve: Did you fall asleep and not make it to the end?

karl: -a fire that didn’t happen, about a wife that didn’t exist, and a cat that didn’t look happy.

ricky: Oh I’m gonna have a heart attack, Karl. What- I mean why- why did they look at the cat funny?

karl: Because cats don’t- don’t like um, spirits do they?

ricky: What, the other blokes were ghosts?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yep that’s it, that’s-

steve: These are kind of Beadle's About type ghosts.

steve: These are ghosts who walk the st- walk the earth as the undead just winding people up slightly.

ricky: That’s lovely. That is lovely.

steve: But seriously Karl-

ricky: A cat that did not look happy.

steve: But seriously why would ghosts wander around just like winding people up?

ricky: Oh.

karl: Maybe something did happen there years ago. Some fire, some woman might have died in that house of a fire or something.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And uh, it sort of all happened again.

steve: Yeah, yeah. It’s certainly a mystery.

ricky: It’s a mystery, I mean I can’t- I can’t-

steve: What’s this book you were reading? You were reading a book which is interesting enough.

karl: It was um, it was the Fortean- The Fortean Times.

steve: Oh, Karl.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Well I don’t-

steve: Man alive.

ricky: I dunno what to say.

steve: Well I tell you this Karl here is a track that will spook you right out. This is Warren Zevon from what was it, about 1979? Early 80’s?

ricky: Oh great track.

steve: ”Werewolves of London” play this Karl, but don’t be scared.

steve: From 1978, Karl, “Werewolves of London” by Warren Zevon. Are you a fan of that?

karl: It’s alright, that.

ricky: Great track, innit?

steve: Fans of Warren Zevon may be interested to know he’s got a new album out as we speak. Although if you’re a fan you probably know that already.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If you are a fan.

ricky: People who hate him would be interested in knowing that he’s got a new album out. Tune in and uh, I think lycanthropy- is it- is it not called-

steve: What’s that, sorry?

ricky: Lycanthropy.

steve: What’s lycanthropy?

ricky: Isn’t that werewolfism, isn’t it?

steve: Really?

ricky: Isn’t it? Do you believe in that, Karl?

karl: They- they’ve found stuff, haven’t they? They’ve found kids walking about who are all hairy.

karl: Cause uh, they sort of grew up with uh, wolves an’ that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: No, you see, two things there um, right, uh you cannot take on acquired uh, characteristics genetically. So if you grew up with wolves it wouldn’t suddenly make you hairy. Uh, two-

karl: There were pictures. There’s been pictures, there’s been stories on it, and I reckon most people have- or a lot of people have seen the story. It’s- it’s a popular thing.

ricky: You mean the kids that are born hairy?

karl: No, no there’s kids who have been born hairy, right?

ricky: Yeah. That’s it.

karl: No but listen and they walk around on all fours and they drink milk from a saucer.

ricky: Oh, oh Steve, this is too easy.

karl: No, remember, listen. Remember that time with the maggot and the head um, gettin’ out with bacon and you were like laughing and then people called up and said, “Yeah I’ve seen that, I’ve read about that.”

ricky: Yeah but-

karl: This is the same thing as this.

ricky: -have you seen an XFM listener up close? Have you ever looked.

steve: They drink milk from a saucer.

ricky: Yeah. They’ve gotta be kept on leads, people who listen to this show.

karl: There’s- there’s no point in me telling you about stuff.

ricky: There is, it’s comedy gold.

karl: See when you were at school did you keep arguing with the teacher saying, “You’re talking rubbish.”

ricky: TEACHERS DIDN’T TEACH US ABOUT WEREWOLF BOYS AND GHOSTS! They taught us maths. God, right, tell the story about the manhole cover.

karl: Right, in the same magazine as uh, as the one with the- with the cat and the fire an’ that.

steve: Don’t tell me that story again it gives me the shivers.

ricky: Yeah a cat that’s got a weird expression on its face. Is it against God?

karl: Anyway this isn’t a scary story this was just uh, like physics, physics.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Oh.

karl: It was going on about the uh, nuclear bomb and how powerful it is. And uh…

karl: They put- they put a manhole cover on top of one.

karl: Blew it up.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Never saw the manhole cover again.

steve: Man alive, Karl.

karl: How do you explain that?

ricky: What’s going on there? Something weird is happening there.

ricky: Ohhhh.

steve: If anyone has ever seen that manhole cover…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Keep in touch, we’d love to know where it is.

ricky: Oh that’s fantastic. What sort of experiment is that? Imagine all these scientists on multi-billion pound research budgets, they’re going, “We test everything? What would it do to a manhole cover?”

steve: That’s like letting a couple of students…

ricky: Exactly yeah. Do you reckon it could send this traffic cone into orbit, go on then, put it on there. I love that. Imagine that, what- of what value is that? Oh I’ll tell you what we could do, we could let the- put the manhole cover on it and aim it and then blow the bomb up and it would- it would the manhole cover would have someone’s eye out.

ricky: Fine see if we can fire manhole covers off the nuclear bomb, I dunno. Tie bangers to a bomb, see if it’s louder. Oh God.

steve: Ok listen, Karl play another track then afterwards can we probe your views on um, the week’s news?

karl: If you want.

steve: We’ll do a bit of old White Van Karl session.

ricky: Smashing Pumpkins ”Today.”

steve: ”Today.”

ricky: Today is the greatest cause we’re back.

steve: That’s true enough.

ricky: Alright.

steve: I hope people will uh, Rick were listening to that loud, yeah on this lovely summer’s day.

ricky: Or, or, I mean not too loud.

steve: Well, no no, hurt their ears.

ricky: Don’t wanna annoy people, yeah. Um, White Van Karl.

steve: Yeah White Van Karl I mean, uh, for those that don’t know we do this uh, every week.

ricky: We ask Karl the questions that The Sun asks someone else.

steve: That’s right, The Sun everyday asks um, some, you know, average Joe his views on the week’s big stories. Karl, let me ask you now um, what do you make of Prince Harry smoking openly at a polo club?

karl: Uh…

steve: Are you aware of this story?

karl: Uh, is it- go on.

steve: Prince Harry, you know that he’s one of the royals.

karl: Yeah.

steve: And he was seen smoking openly a fag, a cigarette, at a polo club.

ricky: Third in line to the throne.

steve: Something like that, yeah.

ricky: Imagine that. Someone smoking a cigarette who’s third in line to the throne.

steve: That’s correct, Karl.

karl: Is it a non-smoking polo club?

steve: No I don’t know but uh but if it were would that make things even worse for you? No seriously what do you make of it? This is- this is you know the whole c- the whole foray is he’s a role model, you know, he’s a royal. Should he be seen puffing away in a public place?

karl: I don’t think it matters, does it?

steve: Well is it a concern for you?

karl: How old is he? Is he old enough to smoke?

steve: I think he probably is yeah.

ricky: Well I think the trouble with, um, this role model thing with anything that’s legal, it should either be illegal or not.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I just don’t think you can impose things, ri-uh, because you could say that it is bad for you and it is bad to start smoking. And it really is bad for you and you know it causes cancer and everything.

karl: But everyone knows that, don’t they?

ricky: Exac- well yeah, but you should either make it illegal or shut up about it. Sorry, this is Karl you’re asking, isn’t it?

steve: I am indeed.

ricky: Sorry, yeah.

steve: So we could throw these questions your way as well if you fancy.

ricky: That’s right, yeah.

karl: It doesn’t matter.

steve: But Karl what are your views generally? I mean obviously cigarettes are uh perfectly legal and some, but what about stronger narcotics? Because I know you’re very scared of drugs and stuff aren’t you?

karl: Yeah and I’m not a fan.

steve: What’s your concern? What’s your worry?

karl: Just that, you might get into ‘em.

steve: Sure.

karl: It’s like you might have ‘em and go, “Aw this is alright.”

ricky: Exactly, Karl, exactly.

steve: But no, I was talking to you about it earlier and you weren’t that- you weren’t very sympathetic about a lot of young people who have perhaps gone to crack or smack. You- didn’t you describe it as their own fault?

karl: Sometimes it is, innit? I mean I coulda turned to it where I grew up but I said, “Well don’t wanna do that, it’s not good for you.”

steve: Sure.

karl: And I avoided it.

ricky: You turned to ghosts.

steve: So you’ve got no sympathy for anyone who’s- who’s a drug addict? It’s their own fault.

karl: It depends doesn’t it?

steve: Sure.

karl: D’ya know what I mean? You can do it now it’s- I don’t know something- I’m trying to think of a nice way that you might-

ricky: Well most people start on stuff like that because something really traumatic’s happened to them. Very few people go out for a laugh-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -one night and and go let’s all try it. So uh, you know, but yeah.

steve: Just say no I suppose is the attitude in the end.

ricky: Just say no. Listen to the cast of Grange Hill.

steve: Now this’ll scare you. Now this- Karl you will be a little bit unnerved about this. Have you seen the film Jurassic Park?

karl: Yep.

steve: You know what happened there? Well according to The Sun here it says scientists are planning to clone mammoths for a theme park. Look at his face, look at that he looks like a dog caught in the headlights of a car, he’s terrified.

ricky: I love Karl.

steve: He’s sprung to attention there.

ricky: I love Karl. I love- is that- is that the best news you could have?

karl: Man-moths?

ricky: Right, yeah.

steve: Man-moths.

ricky: I love the fact that that’s why he was so excited. That they’ve bred a man-moth. What is- what is it’s- yeah. It’s-it’s a human being that- that hides in your wardrobe and eats an entire jacket in a day.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What do you mean man-moths? Mammoths. Mammoth-

steve: Have you heard of a mammoth?

ricky: -the big hairy cow from the ice age, I mean, elephant.

steve: You’re not so excited about that though. You could take or leave bringing back mammoths to life. But a man-moth.

ricky: A man-moth is a different matter. Oh.

ricky: If we’d have- if we’d have never brought that up he’d have gone and told someone now.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know they’ve bred a half man, half moth.

steve: This is what we mean.

ricky: And it’s how- this is how things start.

steve: This is what we mean when we hear these ghost stories.

ricky: Are you slightly deaf? Is that it, when you hear these stories you’re slightly deaf. “And his head- and his head was in the basket and he went count how many times I blink.” Is it- I…

steve: Is- Karl is English your first language?

steve: Are you actually foreign? Is that-

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Should we speak slower?

ricky: When we say foreign we mean not of this planet.

steve: Yeah. Should we speak slower, would that be a help to you?

karl: No I’ve got uh- go on. Next one.

steve: What do you make of that? Do you think these prehistoric.

ricky: Do you think it’s good to bring back mammoths. These giant elephants.

karl: They’re slow aren’t they? It’s not as if they’re gonna like get out and run fast and they can’t capture ‘em.

ricky: They’ll probably be a fence to be honest Karl. They’ll probably be a fence.

karl: But I’m saying, but they’re- but you’re asking it as if it’s like, oh it could all go wrong, but it couldn’t could it?

steve: What but- but the point was about Jurassic Park is they thought it wouldn’t go wrong they thought they had it all under control and-

ricky: Have you learned nothing from Jurassic Park, Karl?

karl: Dinosaurs I’d say, “Oh think about it before you do it." But with a- with a hairy elephant it’s not gonna-

steve: It’s not a concern for you. Would you go along to see him, would you be interested in that?

karl: If I was in the area.

ricky: He’s the b- he’s great isn’t he? I’d love- I’d love a queue, right-

steve: Nothing impresses him.

ricky: No but what I’d like to do is Karl sit in like Yoda in a little cave and I’d just like to see people like Tony Blair, and, you know, Stephen Hawking in a queue and they go and say, “Karl, got a bit of a problem, um.”

steve: I’m thinking of cloning a man and a moth…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Problem?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um, not an issue, no if I’m in the area. Otherwise just don’t send it near my clothes.

ricky: Oh that’s fantastic.

steve: So it’s just for a second.

ricky: What’s the-

steve: As the words man-moth came into your head wh- how excited were you, I mean were you both terrified and excited? For- just for the moment you thought that they’d cloned a man and a moth.

karl: I pictured um.

steve: What kind of face did he have? Did he have the moth’s head or was it a man’s head?

karl: Just a little head, little man head…

steve: Right what- what’s its face what did it look like?

karl: Just it was just a bit like a bit shocked.

steve: A bit perplexed, right.

ricky: A bit shocked.

steve: Right so it was like- it was like he had been grafted onto the body of a moth. Without his consent.

ricky: Yeah, and when he was asleep.

steve: Yeah, he’d woken up.

ricky: He just- he just went in for a goiter removed and they said, “We’ve replaced your goiter with the body of a giant moth.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Is that alright Mr. Jenkins?

steve: So it had the head of a- was it a little boy or a man?

karl: Little man.

steve: Right ok.

karl: And he’s just bumping into a lamp.

steve: He’s bumping into the lamp.

ricky: Karl if you- if you uh, went into hospital and- and they’d done something. Wh- what’s the worst thing they could do right, what would you rather have done to you? Right, you wake up and you’ve got um, lobster claws for hands-

karl: Alright.

ricky: You wake up and you’ve got duck’s feet. Or you wake up and you’ve got one horn coming out of your head.

karl: The worst thing.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Probably the uh…

karl: The horn coming out of me head.

ricky: Why?

karl: Get in the way.

ricky: That’d be useful, wouldn’t it? In fights and stuff and uh for like parties people would like…

steve: Well I suppose the lobster claws would also be quite handy there.

karl: Definitely.

ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club “Spread Your Love.” You enjoying it so far?

steve: Um yeah, I suppose so.

ricky: First show back.

steve: Yeah, it’s not bad.

ricky: It’s great being back.

steve: I just keep thinking about that money, Rick, to be honest, it’s-

ricky: I know. It must-

steve: It’s still playing in my mind.

ricky: -I know, yeah.

steve: Could we maybe get like a sort of telethon type thing going? Or a little charity thing just sort of help me pay?

ricky: You can’t really ask people to send you money.

steve: Really?

ricky: It’s technically begging.

steve: Is it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Unless you’re, are- are you a registered charity?

steve: Um, I suppose not. Not really.

ricky: We could probably get you status.

steve: Yeah. Could I promot- I mean could I pretend to give ‘em something in return? I mean am I allowed to sell things on the radio?

ricky: Yeah you are.

steve: Yeah, so…

ricky: Although you probably- you probably get in trouble with the uh, authority if you’re using it to sort of like- to your own, getting- not like everyone else doesn’t.

steve: No exactly. Yeah.

ricky: Free lunches.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And sponsorship and God knows what. You know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But the people who work here, small fry the scum.

steve: Exactly, the nobodies. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But um, a hundred and sixty five quid is pretty- that’s quite a lot of money so, I mean, if you wanna contribute anything, Rick, as I said before, you’re more than welcome to-

ricky: Yeah, no I- I- would if I felt any responsibility-

steve: Right.

ricky: -or- or cared.

steve: Sure sure.

ricky: But um, yeah, I got there too early which is annoying, um,

ricky: What we should have done, really, was uh, get you your plane and come back cause I’d have had time.

steve: D’you know I- I was gonna mention it at the time but I didn’t want to cause I knew the answer would be no.

ricky: Oh Karl, oh, I- I- I’ve really I’ve had a great time I forgotten- I forgotten how good it was just to have a normal conv- I say normal- just to have a conversation with you. You been looking forward to this? You- y- He’s really down today, isn’t he?

steve: He’s down man.

karl: I’m just a bit tired still.

steve: But it’s interesting cause I said to him- I said to him, “Did you enjoy Edinburgh?” He spent his- the week up in Edinburgh, obviously and um he had a whale of a time up there, he loved it, he’s been partying every night. And he actually enjoyed it and he never- I’ve never met him when he’s actually enjoyed anything before. He’s never enjoyed anything as far as I know and it’s the fact that we weren’t involved.

ricky: His paper round. His paper round.

steve: He loved the paper round. And this is the first time since then-

ricky: He was talking to me about it the other day as well, right. He said, right- he really thinks that that paper round he had when he was fourteen was the best job he ever had.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He still thinks it’s the best job he ever had because he said he was his own boss, I went, “No you weren’t.” He went, “Well I can get on a bike and I could think.” And he said, “I bet if I phoned those people who I delivered the papers to, they’d say it was the best delivery they ever had.” He said, “In fact I bet a lot of ‘em have chucked in delivery because it went downhill.” This is all just-

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: -he’s thinking this as he went along. Didn’t ya? Imagine phoning someone up saying, “You don’t remember me but I used to deliver your paper ten years ago. Was it the best delivery service you’ve ever had?”

karl: No but if I said, “I delivered it ten years ago, um, you used to- if you got up at like, six in the morning it was there for ya.”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: There’s no other paperboy who could guarantee that they’d have their paper when they got up that day.

steve: Karl, if you could earn enough money would you do a paper round again? If that was your job but you- you were paid enough to make a living from it, is that something you think about?

karl: Uh…

steve: Do you think you would enjoy it as much nowadays?

karl: Yeah I reckon I would, yeah.

steve: Yeah?

karl: Yeah, listen to some music.

steve: Sure.

ricky: A thousand pound a week would you do the best of-

karl: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Would you really?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Is there anyone out there who is willing to test that? Is there anyone who’s willing to pay Karl, right, a sum of money-

karl: A grand.

steve: A grand, to take a week off work and deliver papers just for that week?

ricky: All day though, it’s all day.

karl: No, no no no. I’ll get up and the the customers will have their paper-

ricky: Yeah but could I tell you what street it is?

karl: -by six o’ clock in the morning. No because.

ricky: No, it’s the M 25.

karl: You see…

steve: You are being paid a thousand pounds.

ricky: Yeah, it’s that fact you gotta deliver to the M 25. I’ll tell you what let’s- let’s- let’s take the mood down a little bit and play one of the most beautiful songs I’ve been looking forward to be together just to play this, to be honest, it’s Jimmy Webb’s uh version of “Galveston”

ricky: ”Galveston” there by the brilliant Jimmy Webb.

steve: Uh-huh.

ricky: Who wrote it.

steve: Who wrote it?

ricky: He wrote it.

steve: Yes.

ricky: I mean, yeah, brilliant Jimmy Webb who wrote it. It was all one sentence.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Did I confuse ya?

steve: Again yeah.

ricky: With my speech patterns?

steve: It’s just just using the English language is always helpful, Rick.

ricky: But compared to Karl I’m- I’m Oscar Wilde.

steve: I suppose so.

ricky: Electric Soft Parade on XFM 104.9. Not long to go on our- on our retu- our triumphant return, I think. I think the papers will be saying, Steve.

steve: Yes, yes.

ricky: Um, Karl um, as- I met Karl a couple of times in our- in our sabbatical and uh, he uh, said to me once he said um, “Oysters,” he said, “have you ever tried oysters?” I went, “I-I don’t like ‘em.” And I went I said, “Oh just the thing about swallowing ‘em whole, you know.” He went, “Well the reason you have to do that is they’re- they’re fatally poisenous.”

ricky: And if you bite into them they kill you. And I went, “Well of course they don’t.” He went, “Yeah,” I went, “Well of course they wouldn’t. What if you chewed ‘em,” I said, “Well so you swallow ‘em whole and they’re not poisenous?” He went, “Yeah, ah see.” He said, “When you swallow heroin in a Johnny,” he says, “that doesn’t kill you does it?”

ricky: That was it.

steve: Oh.

ricky: And then, um, about a week later he went, “I was wrong about them.” Yeah, I went, “Really?” He said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” And what did you say?

karl: It’s if you eat ‘em and then you have some whiskey.

steve: They- they turn deadly when- when whiskey comes into contact with them.

karl: Yeah when- when uh when they’ve had a drink.

ricky: When they’ve had a drink they get a bit rowdy in your stomach? They start fighting they can cause rupturing…

karl: So what you saying now? You saying you don’t believe that?

steve: Am I saying what?

karl: Are you saying you don’t believe that?

ricky: He thinks he’s got us here. He thinks he’s got us here. Yeah I don’t believe that if you eat an oyster then drink some whiskey you die.

karl: You might not die straightaway but you won’t feel-

ricky: Eventually, fifty years time.

steve: If you’ve got- you’ve got to keep on drinking whiskey.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: …a bottle a day.

ricky: Fifty or sixty years later, he was dead, yeah. Oyster and a bottle of whiskey a day.

ricky: Oh, then out of nowhere forty years later…

steve: Where- where is this information come from, Karl?

karl: If some doctor called up now…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …and put you right would you believe him?

ricky: If it wasn’t Dr. Fox…

steve: Yeah.

karl: What about the hairy- hairy lads? Growing up with the werewolves an’ that?

steve: They didn’t grow up with werewolves.

ricky: Werewolves, didn’t grow up with werewolves.

steve: You’re confused about three different stories there.

ricky: It’s a genetic mutation where the s- you know, they were born with very very astute.

steve: They were a couple of kids, yes, who did grow up with wolves.

ricky: They didn’t grow up with wolves and you can’t kill ‘em with a silver bullet. I mean, you’re confusing two things. Aren’t ya?

steve: There were some kids who were very very hairy, yes.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Maybe in folklore. There were some kids who grew up with wolves, yes. I don’t think the two are connected.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There’s no such thing as werewolves, Karl.

ricky: You, you…

steve: Believe me, I saw a documentary on the History Channel, you’d have loved it.

ricky: You, you grew up with a magpie, you know.

steve: The history of werewolves.

ricky: You don’t flap around, do you, and steal people’s jewelry?

steve: What was the thing you told me about snails?

karl: Uh… have you ever had any, um…

karl: …any post that- that looks like it’s been opened?

steve: Occasionally, yeah, yeah.

karl: Alright. Well what it is, it’s not your postman having a…

steve: A sneaky look.

karl: …a sneaky look. Problem is…

steve: Right.

karl: Uh… slugs.

steve: The problem is slugs?

karl: Slugs at night they like nipping about an’ that. And it gets a bit cold, and in London- like in the country they go into grass don’t they?

steve: Right.

karl: But in London it’s like, “Oh what can we do?”

karl: And um, they go in letterboxes, right.

steve: Slugs go in letterboxes?

karl: Get in letterboxes, it’s nice and warm in there, they’re dry and what have ya. And um…

ricky: These are homeless slugs are they? The one’s that’ve lost their shell?

karl: When they’re in there they only found out that they love glue.

steve: Love glue?

karl: And they’ve been eating uh, eating the glue off the stamps.

steve: Right.

karl: And um, people have been getting charged for post because it hasn’t had stamps on it. It’s like, “Well I put a stamp on it.”

steve: Yeah.

karl: It’s like, slugs have been eating it.

steve: Sure.

karl: And they also eat the glue that’s on the actual envelope shutter. It’s a real popular problem this. That um, letters are being lost and opened and all that stuff.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Slugs.

steve: Are slugs like stealing postal orders and things and cashing them in and stuff?

karl: Yeah, again you know, if there’s a doctor, if there’s a postman…

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Well there’s two expert witnesses a doctor and a postman. So uh, so posty is this a real problem? Um…

steve: So when we see- when we see a slug’s trail or a snail’s trail…

karl: It’s glue.

steve: That’s glue they’ve stolen is it? That’s just they just, that’s a little-

karl: I’m- I’m not gonna say yes to that cos I’m not sure.

steve: Can we follow that? But we can follow that trail and find them and they’d have a big sort of-

ricky: Big pile of letters.

steve: Yeah, and stamps and…

ricky: Yeah, there they are.

steve: Like birthday cards and stuff.

ricky: From Auntie Em, put her two pound notes. Oh that’s fantastic, slugs.

steve: Wow, wow.

ricky: So oysters and whiskey kill ya and slugs eat your post.

steve: Be very careful if you’re gonna go out this evening, you’re thinking of having a whiskey, maybe some oysters be very very careful.

ricky: Yeah and if you are gonna- if you are gonna post a letter please do not use tasty glue.

steve: Please, please, please.

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