XFM Vault - S02E05 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Feeder, “Come Back Around” on XFM, 104.9. You’re listening to Ricky Gervais.

steve: Yeah. I’m with him as well, Steve Merchant.

ricky: Thinking of dropping that.

steve: What?

ricky: Thinking of dropping that. Just going- cause it’s just too- it's all that, “I’m Ricky Gervais, with me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.” Too--

ricky: You know what I mean, get to the music. “Hi, I’m Ricky Gervais. This is XFM!”

steve: Sure.

ricky: “Here’s Radiohead!”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Something like- coming out of, “That was Radiohead. XFM. I’m Ricky Gervais. Tony Blair, what’s he all about?”

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: That sort of--

steve: Snappier.

ricky: I want it fast. Cause I quite- on a serious note and you’ve always been saying it, um, I listened to an old show cause when Karl was compiling those things, I listened to an old show. And I listened to me and I’m-I’m really concentrating now because I sounded like the most inarticulate, brain damaged old drunk--

ricky: I’ve ever heard giving a show.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I mean, I was shocked. Not finishing sentences, leaving out words, slurring, just doing noises that you understand cause you know me.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So I’m really going to make an effort for the listener.

steve: Yeah. It’s not going to happen, is it? You’re going to give up after about three records.

ricky: But I thought you were joking. And I thought it was like, “Oh, he’s taking the”- there. Did it then, you see?

steve: Again. I don’t know quite what that sentence meant.

ricky: No, but--

steve: Of course, I’ve got also your body language and your facial gestures, but obviously the listeners have got nothing. They’ve just got the voice.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They’ve just got the voice, Rick. That’s all they’ve got. That’s all they can rely on.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And, uh, and when Karl Pilkington is the man holding the show together, that’s quite damning.

ricky: When he’s the most articulate.

steve: Exactly. Exactly.

karl: How did I come across?

ricky: You came across as lovely. I mean, I-I did an interview yesterday, alright, and I was trying to describe you to this journalist and I was going, “It’s like a cat can talk”.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Cause the things you say, I just want to know what your world is. You know when a cat comes in, you go, “Where have you been?” and it looks at you like, you know, it can nearly understand you. And you went, “Oh, wonderful. I’d love to know what that cat thinks” and with you, it’s almost like we’ve got one.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Did you like that?

steve: You can also lick your own testicles, I think, can’t you?

steve: So, you know.

ricky: Should we play the Doves?

ricky: Doves, “Caught by the River” on XFM 104.9. You’re listening to Ricky Gervais.

ricky: Welcome. Are we having a lovely Saturday?

steve: Were you asked to appear on “Celebrity Fat Club”?

ricky: No. I- uh, no I wasn’t.

steve: Was there any- was-was there, seriously. Did an invite come in?

ricky: No, I don’t think they did. I-I knew about it and I was waiting for the call.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I was going to be insulted, but it didn’t come.

steve: Didn’t come. How much are you looking forward to it? I’m quite excited about it. I really am.

ricky: I am excited about it, yeah.

steve: I don’t think people know- are you aware of this, Karl? It’s this “Celebrity Fat Club”. It’s a new, uh, one of those reality shows. It’s ten celebrities, I think. They’re all overweight, uh, and they’ve got to lose weight over the course of the series.

ricky: And they’re, um, and they’re celebrities.

steve: And they’re celebrities.

ricky: That’s why they call it that.

steve: “Celebrity Fat Club”.

karl: So who’ve they got?

steve: Well, I’ve very excited because one of them is- you know that guy who was in “Pop Idol”, but didn’t win in the end. That really big, fat guy. Rick Waller. Fats Waller, as I call him. And, uh, I was reading about him on the, in the, on the web, earlier. Um, it says, uh, he’s been told to lose seventeen stone cause they reckon he might be dead by the age forty if he doesn’t lose weight, seriously.

ricky: How old is he now?

steve: I don’t know how old he is. He’s only in his twenties, isn’t he?

ricky: Well, that’s still a good twenty years of cake eating!

steve: But it says, uh, “He was shocked to learn he weighed thirty-one stone when he stepped on the scales at the start of the show”.

ricky: Thirty-one stone!?

steve: Thirty-one stone. But I like the fact--

ricky: That’s really big.

steve: I like the fact that he said he was shocked to find he weighed it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: “I had no inclination!”

ricky: “I had got-got-got- kept my eye off the ball, there.”

steve: Exactly.

ricky: “That must be all those breakfasts.”

steve: “I haven’t stood on the scales for years and I didn’t know how much I weighed,” Rick told The Sun.

ricky: Thirty-one stone, right? That is having- that is, that is having a man on your back and carrying a man in your- just, basically two men going everywhere--

steve: It is obscene. Cause he looks- have you seen him? He looks like one of those people that are wearing one of those inflatable Sumo outfits.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He’s just a little head and, like, a sort of- oh.

ricky: We’re not, we're not having a go at, um, fat people.

steve: I’m having a go at him, Rick.

ricky: Cause it might be glandular. It’s not. It’s greed.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Do you know what? I- this is true. When I- I did that “Room 101” and I did one they cut out completely. I don’t think they cut it out on taste, I think it was just too long. Um, and I- one of the ones I put in was fat people who say it’s glandular. Right? And they’d done the research and two percent of obese people can claim it’s glandular. The rest, they just eat too much.

steve: Yeah. But the thing about Waller is he was going on there, going on the telly going, “It’s good- What a wonderful role model I am for people who don’t conform to the usual pop star, sort of, stereotype.” No, you’re not a role model for anyone! You are a fat, pig of a man. I’m sorry, mate.

ricky: Hold on.

steve: No, Rick. It is obscene.

ricky: It’s not his weight that disturbs me more, it’s his gums.

steve: Well.

ricky: They are- have they been through a lot?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Haven’t they? They have been through a lot.

steve: The weight does concern me slightly. Did you- do you remember when he did his version of “I Will Always Love You”?

karl: Yeah, but--

steve: I thought he was just singing it at a buffet, or something.

ricky: Yeah, outside a chip shop.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “Go away, Mr. Waller!”

steve: Yeah. “Just-just let me watch the kebab rotate once more.”

ricky: “No!” “Can I lick the fat off the floor?” “No, you can‘t!”

ricky: I just imagine those people who run all you can eat buffets, when they hear him coming they shut the door.

steve: It’s like one of those nineteen-twenty’s speakeasy. The front changes into a launderette.

steve: “Just move on, Fats. It’s not--” “I can smell chip fat!” “No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Move on. On you go.”

ricky: But, um, I mean, we’re not Olympic fat Brits. There are also fat- thirty-one stone is, sort of, quite big, but the American- that one, did you see that one? Seriously, we’ve talked about it before. That one on Jerry Springer and he was seventy-five stone. Did you see it?

steve: Seventy-five stone?

ricky: He was in his bed. Honestly, it looked like a, it looked like a, um, I don’t know. Sort of, molten lava.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: In his bed. And it was really- it was actually sad. And I was really sad cause he was, you know, he was in tears and he was going, “This is it. I’m going to do it.” and Jerry Springer took the wall down and they got him. They had to get him in a special ambulance and everything. But my point is this, right? When he got to, say, fifty stones, didn’t he go, “That’s a lot, innit?”?

steve: “I’ve got to be careful.”

ricky: “For a human.”

steve: Exactly.

ricky: You know? For someone that lives on land--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That is, that is big. I’ll tell you- what the- I mean, the fact is they have to have special weighing equipments. So wasn’t that a clue?

steve: That must have been.

ricky: The fact that they had to get in someone from next door to lift it up a bit and tell him how much he weighed.

steve: Yeah, yeah. The fact that he was listed on the Ordnance Survey map should have been a clue.

steve: That it’s time--

ricky: We’ve given you your own mayor.

steve: Yeah. You are- yes.

ricky: Stop--

ricky: Oh…

steve: Oh, man alive.

steve: Always amazing to hear that, isn't it Rick? It’s Sugar.

ricky: That’s fantastic.

steve: “If I Can’t Change Your Mind”

ricky: That’s such a great tune.

steve: I was listening to “Copper Blue”, the album from which that’s taken, again. It’s just fantastic. It really is.

ricky: Old moldy.

steve: Old moldy.

ricky: Moldy old dough, as I call it.

steve: Yeah, oh, exactly. Bob.

ricky: You’ve got a real problem with Rick Waller, haven’t you?

steve: I just- he-he turns my stomach.

ricky: I know, but don’t-don’t--

steve: Cause he’s arrogant, as well, though.

ricky: Exactly.

steve: That’s the problem.

ricky: Explain to people that, you know--

steve: No, he is a bit arrogant.

ricky: It’s his whole thing that you- it's the whole package, so to speak, that you don’t like.

steve: Yeah. Well, there’s another thing in his quite--

ricky: It’s not just the fact that he eats too much.

steve: He, uh, he-he tried, apparently, to lose some weight and, uh, it says, he said, “The first month I lost eleven pounds. The next, I lost a stone, but in the third my body did somersaults and I put on nine pounds. I had a slip up. I can’t say when, why or how, but it just sneaked up on me.”

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don’t believe it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Don’t believe it just sneaked up on him.

ricky: That body’s never done a somersault in its life.

steve: No. It just sneaked up on him.

ricky: Yeah. I don’t--

steve: It was the cakes again.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It was the same old cakes as before. Exactly the same problem.

ricky: Sleep eating, it’s called.

steve: It was the KFC bucket again. The family-size KFC bucket.

ricky: Oh, dear.

steve: For breakfast.

ricky: Poor man. The other thing is that the- I don’t think that’s a very good shock tactic for a doctor to tell a twenty-something, “Well, to be honest, you’ve got twenty years to live.”

steve: Yeah. It doesn’t mean anything when you’re twenty.

ricky: When I was twenty, the thought of dying at forty was fine.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I didn’t want to live to forty. I just thought, “Oh, what can you do when you’re forty?”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Just laying around, doing nothing.

steve: And then you got there and you discovered the dream came true.

ricky: No, but someone sent me- Sophie, here, sent me something and she said, “I realize you’re not Graham Norton, but I had to send you this” and she sent me the top of a little cream cheesy thing and it’s-it’s, the brand name is Gervais.

steve: How odd that is! They’ve named a cheese after you.

ricky: I think it’s a big French company and this is from the Czech Republic. It’s all over Europe and so--

steve: That would be a dream come true, wouldn’t it, if they named a cheese after you?

ricky: No, I think it’s, I think it’s, uh, probably, you know, ancestors and so I’ve- cheese is in my blood.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Quite literally.

steve: It literally is, yeah. Another heavy Friday night, was it?

ricky: It comes out of pores like those Play Doh things. I can squeeze out different shapes by--

steve: “Jane, bring the Stilton in. It’s Friday night.”

steve: Oh, man alive.

ricky: “This isn’t fried!”

steve: Exactly.

ricky: But yeah. So, um, we can’t really have a go at Rick Waller. I-I-I-I eat too much, but--

steve: Yeah, but you’re not big and then one of the other contestants on that, on the, uh, “Fat Club, Celebrity Fat Club”--

ricky: Oh, he is doing it?

steve: Is Jono, Jono Coleman.

ricky: Oh, we love Jono.

steve: Now, Jono is- I don’t know- you know Jono. He’s that guy that does, um, he used to be on TV and I think he does a breakfast show on a rival station, doesn’t he?

ricky: He’s happy, isn’t he?

steve: He’s-he’s- So true and he’s a really nice bloke, Jono, but--

karl: It’s funny, cause he does a breakfast show on Heart, which is- he's wrecking his own. There’s a bit of irony.

ricky: I love Karl.

steve: Thanks Karl.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

ricky: I love you.

steve: I can see where you’re coming from.

ricky: Yeah, that’s good.

steve: But we’ve met Jono a couple of times. We saw him at a couple of, not wishing to show off, but couple of awards dos--

ricky: Yeah. Like that’s showing off. There’s people wouldn’t be seen dead there.

steve: Well, yeah, but we--

steve: We went to one where everyone was in, like, tuxedos or suits and ties. Not Jono. Jono was wearing a pair of Bermuda shorts--

ricky: Big Bermuda shorts.

steve: And a Hawaiian shirt.

ricky: Knee length Bermuda shorts with just these little--

steve: But I saw him again, another time, and he had shorts on, a similar event and I’ve seen him since in the street and he’s- I don’t think- I’m wondering if he can wear trousers. I don’t think he can actually wear trousers. I don’t know if there’s a medical reason for that, whether he’s just, his legs are too fat.

ricky: I think the material is a waste of money. I think it’s just that you can get shorts that big and they’re comfortable and, uh- I mean, to be quite honest, I don’t want to squeeze into a tuxedo anyway.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: So if you can go- I’d love to turn up to those things in Bermuda shorts!

steve: Well, of course.

ricky: Flip flops, you know--

steve: But do you think he started off by wearing- maybe he just had the upper half was a tuxedo with the tie and the thing.

ricky: And then the shorts for comfort.

steve: And then the shorts underneath and he would just have to come in, kind of sneak behind a, you know, a sideboard--

ricky: Potted plant.

steve: Or potted plant or his kids, bring his kids ahead of him.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, “You are wearing trousers, aren’t you?”

ricky: “Yeah, of course I am! Yeah, yeah.”

steve: “In you go, in you go”

ricky: “Kids, move a minute.” “Well, no.”

steve: Exactly.

ricky: “Of course I’m wearing trousers. Why would I--”

steve: “Of course I’m wearing trousers!”

ricky: And then he just thought, though, “This isn’t fooling anyone.”

steve: “So now I’m going to make a wacky effort to sort of, you know--”

ricky: The next Sony’s, I’ve heard he’s going in a grass skirt and garland around his- and he’s going to, he’s going to come in limboing.

steve: But you-you did ask if you could go to The BAFTAs in a dressing gown, didn’t you?

ricky: Just for ease.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Go on then.

karl: Right. There’s this- talking about diets and stuff, right?

ricky: Go on.

karl: They’ve come up with a drug that, um, they-they tested it out on a mouse, right? They said it’s a problem. Weight-weight is a big issue in the world and, you know, a lot of people are depressed. Probably, like Rick Waller.

steve: Well, I’m depressed looking at Rick Waller.

karl: Well, you know.

ricky: Ohhh.

karl: I mean, you could sort out Rick by, you know- Jono is an old man. He’s got loads of money--

ricky: He’s not old!

karl: No, but he’s getting on a bit, right?

ricky: He’s about my age, you f--

karl: No! What I mean is he does his own shopping, right? So, I bet it’s hard--

ricky: Sorry! What do you mean?

karl: Because he’s like, uh- how old is he? Thirty-five. He’s got loads of money. He does his own shopping. So when he goes to the supermarket and he passes, you know, the-the sponge cake section, it must be tough when you’ve got loads of money to burn. That you go, “Oh, just one more.”

steve: Yeah.

karl: “One more.”

ricky: No, just- sorry. We are getting close to libel, here, I think.

karl: No, no, no! I’m saying how it is cause I’ve-I’ve tried, like, losing a little bit of weight.

ricky: Have ya?

karl: And it is difficult when you, you know, you’re in Waitrose and you see a little chocolate muffin and think, “Well, one more and I’ll do without.”

ricky: Do you like a little chocolate muffin now and again?

karl: Yeah. Right?

ricky: Is that your favorite thing?

karl: So the thing is--

ricky: A chocolate muffin?

steve: Let him finish his point.

karl: So the thing is, right? Now with Rick, he lives at home with his mam. So why doesn’t his mam just say, “I’m going to buy less this week and if you eat it all, you’re not getting any more.”

steve: Yeah.

karl: That-that sort--

ricky: Does he live with his mam?

steve: A short, sharp shop.

karl: I bet he does. I bet he does.

steve: So you don’t actually know if this is true or not.

karl: No, but-but anyway, right? So this-this drug they’ve come up with--

steve: They tested this on mice, haven’t they?

steve: No, I’m just- I’m worried they haven’t test it on mice cause--

ricky: Thank God for that.

steve: It’s definitely been tested on mice?

ricky: Definitely.

karl: They fed a mouse a load of cake.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right?

karl: And it went a little bit chubby and they said, “Right, stop a minute.”

karl: And then they gave it this drug that makes you lose weight.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: And it’s weight went down, but the only bad side effect was its eyes were popping out.

ricky: Well, that seems, that seems to be fine, then. Let’s give it to Jono!

ricky: There doesn’t seem to be any problem with that!

steve: Oh, that’s-that’s, uh, yeah. Rick should get some of that.

ricky: “Eh struth, doc. Look at these!” “Oh Jesus Jono. Your eyes are popping out. That happened to the mice.” “Sorry?” “That happened to the mice!” What do you mean?

karl: That’s the option.

steve: What do you mean, that’s the option?

ricky: So-so- I love the fact that your choices are either be like a fat, happy man who has the occasional sponge cake, or a stick man with eyes on stalks. I mean, Steve’s chosen that.

steve: Alright, calm down. I thought we were slagging off Rick Waller, fat people.

ricky: Sorry mate.

steve: Let’s have a go at the fat people before we start on me, Rick.

ricky: Yeah, sorry. I didn’t--

steve: I mean, it’s like--

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

steve: Cause I’ve got some issues, body issues--

ricky: I know.

steve: But Rick Waller is grotesque, you know.

ricky: Yeah. Sorry about that.

steve: I'm just a little weird. I mean, do you know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah, let’s play a song and--

steve: Well, I’m a little bit offended. That’s upsetting. That’s upsetting.

ricky: Vines, “Outta the Way” on XFM 104.9. You’re listening to The Ricky Gervais Show.

steve: With Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

ricky: We’ve got to try and get on, though, cause--

steve: Not enough time for that?

ricky: No, not enough time. Let’s-let’s bang on. Let’s do some observations, you know.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Some satirical--

steve: Take a sideways look at the week’s news.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: Who’s the, uh, fattest person you know, Karl? Is it an issue for you? Do you- are you concerned about fat people?

karl: Only if I’m traveling somewhere and there’s one sat next to ya.

steve: Yeah.

karl: That can be a bit annoying.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I mean, I think Ricky pointed out a few months ago- when I, when I went away- we were talking about plane journeys and you were saying how it’s a bit out of order how when you go on holiday, right, you take your suitcase with ya--

ricky: Ohh.

steve: Mmm.

karl: Am I- this is alright.

ricky: Was I saying this on air, though, is my question. Cause there’s-there's a reason I don’t say things on air sometimes.

karl: No, no, no. But I think you’ve got a good point. It made me think.

ricky: Oh, no it’s- I know what it was, yeah.

steve: Go on.

ricky: It’s sort of like, if-if you’re not allowed to carry a hand baggage on cause you’re a few pounds overweight, but there’s a bloke behind you that weighs ten stone more than you--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Surely the whole package should be weighed.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Like you and your baggage--

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: So I can, I can take on, uh, a Labrador and a wheel barrow.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He can take on, um, a towelette.

steve: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

ricky: To wipe his… brow.

steve: His sweaty, fatty brow.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: No, I absolutely- Absolutely right.

ricky: So, uh, yeah.

steve: And that does wind you up, does it?

karl: But I don’t- that’s the only time. I mean, people can’t help it. We don’t want to, like, come across as if we’re just having ago at people who’ve got--

steve: But they can help it! This is what we’re saying.

ricky: No, but there’s- that’s a little bit--

steve: But I’m talking about obesity. I’m not talking about people who are overweight or who’ve got a problem with-with eating and so on. I’m talking about people who are obese, because that seems to me to be like an indulgence. I mean--

ricky: If we’re getting serious, it is a problem, isn’t it? It’s an eating disorder. So, what-what-what’s-what’s terrible is-is laziness and kidding yourself, but people who have- are genuinely got a problem, it’s as genuine a problem as anorexia or--

steve: But it’s a genuine concern for, apparently, the future of our children, apparently. It genuinely is.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Apparently it costs- I was reading some statistic that it costs something like- America, it costs ‘em, like, a hundred and nineteen billion pou-dollars a year or something.

ricky: But that’s not why people are starving, cause fat people are eating all the food.

steve: I’m not saying that people are starving cause of fat people!

ricky: Oh, you mean--

steve: I’m saying- no, it’s- I’m saying it’s a concern--

ricky: I thought you meant we’ll soon have kids and they’re hungry cause next door’s ate all the food.

steve: Nooo.

ricky: Sorry.

steve: I just mean that, apparently, because exercise now- people aren’t taking up exercise, kids aren’t taking up exercise, that we will all be obese in years to come. Not all obese, but it’ll be, uh, a big obesity problem.

ricky: Well I suppose it’s a natural state for the mammals. We crave fat. We literally crave fat for-for hard times, but now, but now there are no hard times--

steve: We sit in offices, typing away.

ricky: But-but our body haven’t- hasn’t evolved to take our social input in, so we still act like mammals and we-we eat and we crave it and we like to store fat.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That’s why we have to go jogging, because we don’t, we don’t hunt, we don’t do anything. So it-it-it’s not really their fault. You- it‘s- I mean, it-it is about will power and, sort of, like, you know, self-hate and all that.

steve: But in years to come we’ll have, just, pictures of- kids will just have pictures of- they won’t have N*Sync on the wall. It’ll be, like, sumo wrestlers.

karl: Mmm.

steve: Or--

ricky: Oh, uh, you know sumo wrestlers. I saw this thing about sumo wrestlers. Um, because the-the-they-they’re athletes. They go into this thing cause there’s a big honour to be a sumo--

steve: Really?

ricky: Yeah, absolutely true. So you go along and you’d be nine stone and you- they-they have doctors there, so you have to eat to get big. Right?

steve: Right.

ricky: And this doctor who’s interviewing, this doctor is going, you know, “It-it is against- you’d think it’s against the Hippocratic Oath, um, but, um, whereas they do it anyway, I do it healthily.” So he sells ‘em- he gives ‘em diets of, like, uh, you know, ten pounds of rice, nine pounds of fish and things like that and they get up, right. Now, because it’s such an honour, it’s almost a spiritual thing to be a great Sumo and all that, um, they have apprentices willing to- You know that when you’re a say, um, uh, runner or something, you have to make the coffee and- or when you’re working as an apprentice in a studio, you have to clean the floor and stuff. Do you know what an apprentice Sumo is?

steve: An apprentice Sumo? Go on.

ricky: They wipe--

karl: Hmm.

ricky: The Sumo wrestler’s ass cause they can’t reach. They literally can’t reach.

steve: Rubbish!

ricky: I- right- I- can- we’ll give out the phone number--

steve: Who’s taking that up as a profession?

ricky: I know. Imagine that. Um, “I-I’d-I’d love to be a Sumo wrestler. It’s a great honor and I’d love to work under you. Uh--”

steve: “Sure.”

ricky: “So, uh--”

steve: “Sure.”

ricky: “So, uh, what’ll I do- press-ups first?”

steve: “There’ll be some press-ups, yeah.”

ricky: “Okay, yeah. Should I get to the gym now and, uh--”

steve: “No, don’t- before you rush off--”

ricky: “Go on. I‘m starving.”

steve: “I can understand that. Would you mind wiping my arse?”

ricky: “Right.”

steve: “Cause I just--”

ricky: “Can’t reach?”

steve: “No. Got no- can’t get the arms back there. Can’t get ‘em down there. So- but-but I'll be honest with you; a lot of this oriental food, it doesn’t sit well with me. It goes straight through me, do you realize.”

ricky: “It’s quite messy.”

steve: “It’s quite messy down there. It’s quite runny.”

ricky: “Right. Okay, okay”

steve: “So be careful. Um--”

ricky: “Okay.”

steve: “You want to some gloves- if you want to wear gloves, wear gloves. It's an honour.”

ricky: “I don’t want to wear gloves. I don’t want to wear gloves.”

steve: “It’s an honour.”

ricky: “The apprenticeship is two years, isn’t it?”

steve: “Now you’re not going to take my feces and sell them, are you, as souvenirs or something?”

ricky: “No, no, no. I will be mainly getting fat myself--”

steve: “Sure.”

ricky: “Wiping your ass--”

steve: “Yeah.”

ricky: “Great honour.”

steve: “Yeah. No, well good.”

ricky: “Great honour.” If someone could call in and verify that. Look, Karl. Look at Karl looking at us like we’ve just said the worst thing ever.

steve: This is true, apparently.

ricky: You’ve said things like, “makes your eyes pop out” and “put Forrest Gump in a wheelie bin”. Don’t look at us like that. This is the- we’re talking cultural science here. And wiping asses.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So play a record.

steve: Yeah. It’s low brow and it’s high brow at the same time, Karl.

steve: That’s an incredible picture.

ricky: Oh, this is for all you people who-who, uh, like the odd cake. This is Bowie and “Sweet Thing”. Did you like that?

steve: Nice.

ricky: “Sweet Thing”, David Bowie.

steve: Beautiful.

ricky: Amazing. Off of “Diamond Dogs”.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: We went to see him in the week, didn’t we?

steve: We did, indeed. Yeah, it was a little, exclusive gig that Jonathan Ross gave for us.

ricky: A hundred people.

steve: Amazing.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Lovely to see him.

ricky: Yeah, lovely to see him again.

steve: Lovely to see- yeah. See Dave again.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: Yeah, he’s looking good.

ricky: He looks great, doesn’t he?

steve: He does, yeah. Was he bisexual? Sorry, I don’t know why I brought that up.

ricky: What, sorry, at the gig?

steve: No, no, no, no. It’s just that I know he’s married now, isn’t he, with a kid and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But there was some, there was some sort of--

ricky: Oh, I think- I, possibly. I don’t know. I wouldn’t wanna--

steve: These popstars, they dabble with anything, don’t they, I suppose.

steve: Try anything once, don’t they? These rock and roll stars.

ricky: But, um, yeah. So, uh, if anyone knows the, uh, the-the truth behind--

steve: But how does Sumo begin? Cause that’s why I can’t- I’ve never understood how it began as a, as a, as a sport. Because it’s- do you know what I mean? Cause they are-are so huge.

ricky: I reckon it was a fat bloke who was picking on a little skinny bloke and the skinny bloke knew King Fu and Jujitsu. Goes, “Right, let’s fight.” And the fat one, “There’s no punching.”

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: He goes, “What do you mean?” “It’s just leaning against each other.”

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: And the other one, “Well, you’re bound to win!” And then, “Right, I’ve won.” “Okay.” And that’s how it started and then the fat bloke--

steve: He grabbed him. “Are you…are you wearing a nappy?” “Well I am pretty big, yeah. I’m having some problems and I can’t wipe my arse.”

ricky: “I can’t wear a tuxedo. I just can’t.”

steve: Exactly.

ricky: “I just, you know, that’s the next step for-” Jono’s been banned wearing a thong in public.

ricky: So--

steve: But seriously, if anyone knows how Sumo began, I’m genuinely interested. E-mail maybe. [email protected] Uh, just- I-I, you know- Karl, what are your thoughts? Where do you think, uh, where do you think it began? Cause don’t you think it’s an odd sport? I mean, it is a weird--

karl: They’ve always, like, got nice hair. They seem to care about their hair a bit.

steve: Sure.

karl: It’s always sort of nicely pinned back.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Are you ever asked when-when people are doing, like, you know, uh, um, Schama’s “Britain” or, you know, when people are doing, like, big--

steve: Historical problems.

ricky: They say, “Well, we’ll ask Karl about this. He might, he might have an opinion.”

steve: Yeah. I’d like to see you as a pundit, definitely, om those, kind of, on-on “News Night”.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It’s just that- I think it’s a funny one because the whole idea of sports is to keep fit.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Hmm.

karl: And that’s, sort of, you know. It’s a bit of an odd one, innit?

steve: Mmm, mmm.

ricky: Well, it’s the same as, sort of, like, weight-lifting. You have to go through all that all year to see if you can push up, you know, something heavier than someone else, but you have to walk ‘round in a golf buggy.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: To-to- for that one--

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: And take steroids and--

karl: Well. I mean, look. The other day, you know- I don’t do much sport. I think living in London, there’s not that many areas you can go and… actually, I’m probably wrong, there.

steve: Well, there’s all the gyms and sports clubs and stuff.

karl: Yeah, I’m probably wrong on that bit--

ricky: And the parks and roads and--

karl: But look at how excited I was going ‘round to your place, Ricky. You had, like, a little garden.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I haven’t got a garden.

ricky: We played football, didn’t we?

karl: We had a little- well. I did.

ricky: No, you were rubbish. I beat you in penalties, um, five-two and then I beat you on, uh, a knockout, I think, ten-four and then he always makes an excuse. He goes, “No, start again. We didn’t say--” He- I’m cracking up.

karl: Steve, have you seen Ricky play football?

steve: No, I’ve not recently.

karl: It’s not football. It- you sort of do it like, um… it’s like when you get a cat and you chuck it some wool. You, sort of, jump on it and lie on top of it so you can’t get it and then, sort of, kick it with his feet, lying on the floor.

steve: Really?

ricky: No, what I mean is he fouled me and I still, I was on--

steve: Are you sure he didn’t just collapse from all the stress and the exercise?

karl: That’s the other thing. That’s the other thing.

steve: He just tumbled onto the floor, Stilton pouring out of his mouth.

ricky: I was too strong for him.

karl: No, no.

ricky: I was too strong for ya.

karl: Yeah, but you didn’t last long, did you? It was like if-if football matches--

ricky: I didn’t want to last long! They just bring me on for the first ten minutes--

steve: Who suggested that you two play football? Did you suggest this, Ricky?

ricky: Yeah, we played around, yeah. Have a bit of football in the garden, yeah. What else did we do?

karl: Uh…

ricky: Oh--

karl: Just had a look at your salamander.

steve: Right. Is that a euphemism or--

steve: Cause I know when I first went around to your house you did- you used to show your genitals to people a lot more than you do now. You definitely used to do that. You used to think that was hilarious.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don’t know what it is that you get to a certain age, men of a certain ilk get to a certain age. Yeah, when Ross came in, he did the same thing.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It’s that weird--

ricky: Yeah, I suppose I thought- oh, you’ve seen it now. I thought you’ve seen it, you know. You weren’t, you weren't impressed the first time, to be quite honest, Steve!

steve: I wasn’t, to be quite honest with you.

ricky: So, uh. Yeah.

steve: Yeah. No, it’s always nice. Always-always a treat to see it.

ricky: Yeah. Um--

steve: What do you make of Ricky’s place? What do you, what do you make of it?

ricky: Again, that’s not a euphemism. That doesn’t mean that I’ve got- it’s like a flat fish.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Do you want to see my plaice? There it is.

karl: It’s alright. I mean, I’ve-I’ve--

steve: You’ve seen better?

karl: I’ve- the pictures you’ve got on the wall have-have, uh, I’m not-not keen on the same sort of art as you are.

ricky: Right.

steve: What sort of art- cause, um, yours is quite, sort of, modern art. Uh--

karl: It’s got this big, like, bit of, uh--

ricky: Abstract.

karl: Canvas with, like, just-just loads of dark colours on it.

steve: Yeah.

karl: It looks really miserable.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I’ll be honest with ya, it sort of brings the place down.

karl: If you’re going to sell it, that woman on Channel Five, the House Doctor, if she came around, she’d say, “Take that down and you’ll get double for it.” It’s just, uh, it’s-it’s- I thought it was, um, like a wall or--

ricky: “Take that down, get that salamander out and just pop those back in your trousers."

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: It was like it didn’t know what sort of colour to use on the wall, so it’s-it’s like they’ve put a little bit on. “No, that’s not good. I’ll use, like, a bit of a darker colour.” And it’s just loads of--

ricky: Are you, are you Brian Suel cause-cause you’re saying--

steve: So what kind of art do like? I’m intrigued.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I like, uh--

ricky: Athena.

karl: I like Lowry.

ricky: Lowry! The worst painter in the world. The most overrated--

karl: No, no, no. You see, it depends! You’re-you're getting excited about your--

ricky: Rubbish.

karl: Your stuff you’ve got on. Lowry, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You can look at--

ricky: He really is the Brian and Michael of the--

karl: No.

ricky: Go on.

karl: But it’s real, innit? Right--

ricky: What do you mean it’s real?

karl: It's real. You look at his picture and you see, like, little disabled people walking about. You see kids--

ricky: That’s not real, then.

karl: Playing with, like, footballs. You’ve got your-your dad coming home from work, working in the factory. Got a little dog barking. It’s-it’s life.

karl: Right? And you can look at it, right, ten minutes. Go away, go and watch telly or something for a bit.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Go back to it and you’ll see different things in it.

ricky: Will ya?

steve: Is it like one of those with magic eyes?

ricky: Are you sure that’s not a telly?

steve: Yeah, you’ve been looking out the window, Karl.

ricky: Are you sure you weren’t watching “When the Boat Comes In”?

karl: People will agree with me.

karl: And it’s better than your stuff that you buy.

ricky: This show started off slick--

steve: Yeah!

ricky: We had something to say.

steve: No, I think- what are you talking about? We’re now discussing art!

ricky: We were, we were taking the mickey out of-of fat people and now--

steve: And you’ve taken it all high brow, Karl!

ricky: Play a record. We’ll come back to fatties.

ricky: Badly Drawn Boy, “Something to Talk About” on XFM 104.9. You’re listening to Ricky Gervais.

steve: Well, then there’s Steve Merchant--

ricky: Well. Let’s just get on with the… We already had a complaint.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Someone saying, “Your TV show’s so good. Why’s your radio so (unknown), you useless, fat--”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Something like that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Can’t- you can’t please everyone, Karl. It’s like Lowry. Some people like Lowry, some people like that fella who did the dark painting for me.

steve: Talking of, uh, e-mails, there was some guy- I don’t- he hasn’t mentioned his name.

ricky: Lowry’s rubbish.

steve: Or maybe his name’s Steve. But he said that he was checking out the, uh, The Office DVDs. DVDs going on sale, isn’t it, soon? I hope the DVD of The Office will be going on sale soon. But he was checking it out on Amazon and he said that, uh- it says on there and I did check it, double check it, that, uh, it includes, uh, some special, some “special frottage”. On- or “special frottage.”

ricky: Oh, frottage.

steve: As it’s correctly pronounced.

ricky: Is that mutual… doing it to each other?

steve: I think it’s-it’s sexual.

ricky: Or is it the rubbing up against each other?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It’s one of those, isn’t it?

steve: Yeah, is that what it is? It’s where you rub up against people?

ricky: I don't know. Something like that. Yeah.

steve: But there’s some “special frottage” on there.

ricky: I think, I think they mean footage.

steve: I’m imagining so.

ricky: If you’re buying it for frottage, you are going to be disappointed.

steve: Yeah, sorely disappointed.

ricky: Yeah. Um, but, um, we’re going to- that first hour then was about eating too much, wasn’t it? I don’t think we can put that--

steve: That’s essentially what we talked about, yeah.

ricky: Did you know, um, I read something interesting. They banned- I used to get the “Guinness Book of World Records” every year from about the age of ten onwards and, uh, it- I went straight to the section of, like, you know, biggest, fattest, all that, right? And there used to be gluttony records and it was like these ridiculously looking Texans and how many hamburgers they can eat. And of course they were- it’s-it’s just so dangerous. They’ve-they’ve put it down to how many hamburgers you can eat in a minute, now.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And so they’ve brought it down to things like seventeen.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They still burst their stomach in the hospital. But, um, uh, I remember I was, um, I was watching the Big Brother when they had to break that record, you know, like eating sweet corn and balancing- I was thinking, “Who wants to beat that record?”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: The rest of the records in the Guinness Book of Records exist because no one wants to contest them. There’s one in there, um, bloke there had his picture taking with a milk bottle on his head and it’s the record for having a milk bottle on his head.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And it’s, like, four days. I want to go, “No one wants to beat that record!” And there was one in there- this is amazing. This is absolutely true, right? Last year’s “Guinness Book of World Records”. It says, um, uh, in-in Thailand in nineteen-eighty eight it had some sort of, um, temple or ceremony. These, uh, incense burners fell over and, I think, crushed people, burned people to death. Seven people died and it’s under the heading “Worst Joss Stick Disaster Ever”.

ricky: Do you reckon they’re going to try and beat that one?

steve: Oh, God!

karl: There’s, uh, there’s a guy up north, right? Who’s, um- he’s in the “Guinness Book of Records” for being able to put, uh- do you know a car, a little mini?

ricky: Up his arse?

karl: No, on his head, right? And you think, “Oh, that’s good”, but without the engine in…

ricky: I love the fact that he puts this thing, this- steel’s weight- weighs, like, you know, fifty stones on his head and you’re going, “Boo!”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What do you mean he puts the mini on his head?

karl: He, um, he wears a little cap with a little bit of sponge on--

ricky: They all do, up there.

karl: And they’ve, uh- he picks up this mini--

ricky: Cause- yeah, go on.

karl: And it take, like, two blokes to put it on his head and then he walks around for about ten seconds showing off, but he doesn’t have the engine in it. So, I mean, if you’re going to do it--

steve: Yeah. Go the whole hog, is what you’re saying.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: See, what I think- the reason I think he didn’t do it with the engine is cause he couldn’t, Karl.

karl: Well-well, pick- do a motorbike or something.

ricky: One mate when to see that- what’s that circus that came to London? And that was in, uh, the Camden and it's really, sort of, like really weird, sort of, gothic things.

steve: Oh, right.

ricky: And, uh, there’s a-a- he said at one point a nude woman got into a jar. He went, “But it was a big jar!”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He said, “It was a jar big enough for a woman!”

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: So you want to go, “Boo!”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But, you know, get into a jam jar--

steve: Exactly.

ricky: And, you know, I’ll be applauding.

ricky: It’s a big jar!

steve: “It’s a jar shaped like you!”

ricky: “I will get into a wardrobe!” “Well, a big one?” “Well, yeah.” “I can get into that.” “No, you can’t! I will get into the wardrobe.”

steve: Well, I remember- I’ve told you about this before, Rick. I was devastated a couple of years- I think it was a couple of years ago and I read about that guy that won the world record for staying underground the longest.

ricky: Oh, yeah.

steve: What happened, right, he-he got in this box and, uh, he was buried, like, ten feet underground--

ricky: It was in a pub car park in Mansfield.

steve: Yeah and the only way he could communicate, the only way he could only communicate was through this tube he had that went up to the surface and he could talk to people and I assume that was how he got oxygen. And, um, it said that while he was down there, right, he began and ended a relationship with a woman! She was a passerby, she chatted to him, da, da, da, they start this relationship and they ended it, right? Now my point was, right, obviously, my luck with the ladies is not-not triumphant and, you know, I haven’t got a girlfriend or whatever--

ricky: You’re Don Juan.

steve: Yeah, exactly, Rick. What I’m getting at is when you read that there’s a man ten feet underground pulling women through a tube--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You’ve got to sit yourself down and ask yourself some very serious questions.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: I was a little bit, as you can imagine, a little bit upset by that.

ricky: From the midlands--

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: A little bit devastated.

ricky: Oh, dear.

steve: Really upset me.

ricky: Do you still- what is your method now of chatting- do you still throw little rocks at them and go, “Over here”?

steve: Yeah. I, um… there was a kid, I remember, at our school, Mark Johnson, when we were, like, ten, or something and we were talking about "Guinness Book of Records". Mark Johnson went, “Yeah, I’m in the ‘Guinness Book of Records.’”

steve: I thought, “I’m intrigued. You’re a ten year old.”

steve: I said, “Go on.” He went- now I don’t- does this qualify? Does this qualify? He claimed that he was in America once and he went to see, um, a baseball game and the- supposedly that game was the world record for the number of people in an audience for a baseball game. It was, like, some massive stadium and this was the most people ever, apparently.

ricky: I-I’ll tell you where it was the count--

steve: And he claims he was there.

ricky: I don't reckon it was listed.

steve: Well--

ricky: I don’t reckon Mark Johnson got his name on the list.

steve: No, exactly.

ricky: And Ross McWhirter would be going, “Well, that’s the whole book if we list them all!”

steve: I think I remember him looking it up and going, “There it is. I was there.”

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, no.

steve: Does that count? I mean--

ricky: No.

karl: I’ve done a similar thing. There was an ice hockey game in Manchester.

ricky: Sure.

karl: And they filled it. It was the, uh, at the arena.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Had an ice hockey game. Uh, and I was part of it, but I wouldn't go around bragging.

steve: No.

karl: Do you know what I mean? Now you’ve brought it up; I’m telling ya.

steve: Yeah, sure.

steve: Yeah, but you’re not going to boast about it.

karl: No.

steve: Not going to get a t-shirt made.

ricky: What’s the best thing you’ve ever done?

karl: I don’t know.

ricky: Come on. What’s the best thing you’ve ever done that we’ll go, “Did you really do that, Karl?”

karl: You see, it’s weird cause I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit--

ricky: Course you have.

karl: Cause, uh, I’m thirty on Monday.

ricky: Are you?

steve: Are you, really?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Oh, you’re just going to try and get presents, aren’t you, from the listener?

karl: No. But--

ricky: I say listener.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But, um, I kind of was thinking, “Have I had a good thirty years?”

ricky: What do you think?

karl: I don’t know.

steve: Karl, is this going to get a bit melancholy now?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Cause we’ve been having a few laughs at the expense of fat people. I’m not sure you want to- we want you to bring it down now.

ricky: No. We-we-we’ve been having a jolly laugh about people who are morbidly obese--

steve: Yeah.

karl: It’s always when me girlfriend’s away, I always think about odd things.

ricky: Do ya?

karl: At odd times.

ricky: Doesn’t she leave you shiny things or videos in so you don’t get, you don’t get too depressed and you can--

karl: Well, what- last night, when I sent you that text… that was--

ricky: Right!

steve: Right, let’s play a record. This sounds intriguing, cause I‘m worried Karl--

ricky: It’s incredible. Right, play a record. Right, wait for this text that Karl sent me.

ricky: Oh. “All Along the Watchtower” there, by Jimmy Hendrix.

steve: Beautiful. Can I just say straightaway, Rick, before we carry on. Uh, we’ve had some people e-mailing in, um, about the origins of sumo wrestling.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But they’ve sort of cut and pasted a huge ream of information from the web. Thanks very much, but we need bullet points or not-not- don't bother. You’re wasting our time, frankly, with any, with any- too many sentences, proper grammar. We’re talking about Ricky Gervais, here.

ricky: Yeah. Not that I’d read the bullet points, either. You’d read them to me.

steve: Exactly. But exactly. Your concentration would lapse so quickly--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There just needs to be key words, you know, “arse”, “sumo”, things like that.

ricky: Yeah! “Yes arse wipe.”

steve: “Yes arse wipe sumo correct.”

ricky: Yeah. Or maybe it’s even a picture of someone wiping an ass with a tick next to it.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: If you could get words out--

steve: If you could, if you could - maybe if you could send through the origins of sumo wrestling in, sort of, a diagram or sketch form--

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Or any kind of comic book or one of those flick books.

steve: With just- you just draw a quick flick book, send that in.

ricky: But thank you very much.

steve: Thanks for thinking about us.

ricky: Um, I woke up this morning, yeah?

steve: Feeling fine.

ricky: It’s not a blues song and, uh, I turned my phone on and it-it was from Karl and it went, “Forget it, I've made my mind up.” And I thought--

steve: Wow!

ricky: “What is that?”

steve: “Forget it, I’ve made my mind up”?

ricky: Yeah and I went, “Karl, what is it?” He went, “Oh, no. It was about the text I sent you last night.” I went, “Well, what was it? I just got this text.” He went, “Oh. Oh, I was just wondering. I was thinking last night.” He said, “Suppose you had to have your hands removed--”

steve: Sure.

ricky: Right?

ricky: “And the doctor said, ‘Well, you can either have ‘em stay like that with stumps or I can sew feet there.’”

ricky: “What would you have?” And I was bleary eyed and I went, “The stumps.” He went, “Yeah.” I went, “Alright?” He went, “Yeah.”

steve: And then what was his follow-up text to that?

ricky: And then I got the text that was obviously before it and it went- and it was, like, quite serious, “What-what would you do if you ever had to remove your hands? Would you have stumps or the feet?” Right? Now the way- when I said- he’d made his mind up- the stumps, he said, “Yeah.” I think secretly he decided on the feet.

ricky: But was too embarrassed to tell me.

karl: There’s a little-little bit of what would you do. Cause it’s-it--

ricky: But why did you think of this? Why did you think of this?

steve: How did this come about?

karl: Girlfriend is away, right?

ricky: Yeah, no. That’s not why you start thinking bizarre surgery devices!

karl: I’ll tell you now, right? I’ll let you into me little mind, right? Last night--

karl: I, um, I had some beans on toast, right?

karl: Cause she was away.

ricky: It’s good already!

steve: She was away, so you had some beans on toast. You went wild!

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Alright? Now, I was stood up. I live on, like, uh, on a high street, right? So I'm washing up, I’m looking out the window. First thing that had me attention is I can, I can look into other people’s flats, right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it was weird how all these different lives were going on and I was watching ‘em and everybody had the telly on and was watching “Volcano”, right, which was on last night.

ricky and steve: Rught

karl: And I thought, “Oh, that-that’s weird”, right? I could see ‘em all watching it and it was like a little Chinese lad who was dancing around in some underpants.

karl: And there was a little old woman who lives downstairs and she was reading a book and she was always reading a book every night. It’s like, “I have a better life than her.”

karl: And there’s, like, some kind of bouncer who’s always getting ready to go out late at night.

steve: Yeah.

karl: With all the black on. He looks like a bouncer. So I was watching all this life going on. I thought--

steve: Did you witness a murder while you were doing this?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No, it was like, it was like that, sort of, “Sliver” film where that bloke had lots of tellies watching people’s lives.

steve: Yeah, sure.

karl: So that was going on in me mind and then I was washing up and I picked up a plate and I thought, “It’s amazing, innit, the human body? The way you can just, sort of, you know-" I want to pick that up and you do.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And the way your hands work.

steve: Yeah.

karl: You’ve got five little digits, but it’s-it’s just the right amount to do--

steve: Yeah.

karl: To do what you got to do, right? So, I’m washing up--

ricky: Sorry, Karl. Stop. “It’s just the right amount” might be one of the most genius things I’ve ever heard said. I would love David Attenborough to phone you up and say, “Karl, how do I word this about the evolution of the mammalian front limb?” Just go, “Well just say, ‘It’s just the right amount, innit.’”

karl: But it is.

ricky: It is! Of course it is.

karl: One-one extra would get in the way.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And one less would just make it that little bit more tricky when picky up, uh, a bit of a slippery dish.

steve: Sure. Or buying gloves.

ricky: A slippery dish!

karl: So then I-I was thinking--

ricky: Ohh.

karl: Alright, imagine, like, going to the doctors and they’re saying, “Yeah, everything’s alright. Your ‘eart’s good and everything, but--

steve: Your “’eart’s” good? What, your Lowrys, or-?

karl: Yeah. “Heart, your heart and you’re in good form and what have you.”

steve: Sure.

karl: “It’s good news. I had Jono in earlier; he was not looking good.”

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: And Fats Waller.

karl: “You’re alright, but your hands need to come off.”

steve: Right. Blimey.

karl: But--

steve: That’s bad luck. I’d get a second opinion initially.

ricky: Oh, God!

karl: “But a bit of good news; I’ve got a nice pair of feet I can sort you out with.”

steve: Sure. Yeah.

karl: And he puts them on and I then was thinking, right- first of all, washing up. What would that be like?

ricky: Steve! I- It’s amazing.

karl: That’d be tricky.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And then the second thing was it’d probably ruin, sort of, the shape of your jumper.

steve: Cause you’d have to keep putting your feet through there. Yeah.

karl: And then I thought, but I could still cycle in.

steve: Okay.

karl: To work.

ricky: You could run in!

karl: Well, that’s the thing. I was--

ricky: You’d be, you’d be really fast!

steve: Yeah.

karl: Well, that’s what I was thinking. I thought I could still cycle cause I could balance, but then I thought the only thing is I couldn’t pull the brakes.

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: Because they’re little, short things.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: And then, like, you- I thought, but then again, you’re running in half the time. So that’s what was going on in- last night.

ricky: Right.

karl: That’s what I was thinking about for--

ricky: Did you, did you--

steve: How long did this take?

karl: Well, how long does it take to wash up?

steve: Right. Cause I imagine you just being there for, like, all night.

karl: Probably twenty-five minutes.

ricky: How long did the little Chinese fella dance for in his pants?

karl: He’s always doing it. Last night he was at it for, like, ten minutes.

ricky: Just- yeah.

karl: And his girlfriend never sits in the same room as him. She’s always sat in the bedroom.

ricky: She’s going, “You-you dance in pants again, I’m going next door.”

steve: Yeah.

karl: Well she was in the bedroom. She’s always in the bedroom, sat on the floor on the mobile phone.

steve: Right.

ricky: Really?

karl: Yeah, all the time. It’s weird how people’s lives are just, like- it is like that “Groundhog Day” thing. You know, he’s jumping about in his underpants, the old woman’s sat there reading a book--

steve: Yeah.

karl: And that’s what got me thinking about my life--

ricky: Do you think she ever goes--

steve: Are you sure she’s not dead?

steve: Every time you look down there, she’s just flicking through, she’s just reading this book. The pages never turn--

steve: She never seems to finish it. She never moves from her chair.

ricky: Are you sure, are you sure the Chinese kid’s going--

steve: The cats are dead around her.

ricky: “I-I’m going into next door again. That little, round-headed fella is looking in.”

steve: The smell!

ricky: “He’s looking in at me.” And the bouncer goes, “Don’t worry, love. I’ll go and beat him up.”

karl: That’s-that’s true.

ricky: But he’s always getting ready.

karl: That’s true. They’re probably--

ricky: They see, they see you staring at ‘em, washing up going, “If I could have feet here” and they get scared.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Woman’s dead! Oh, dead.

steve: Karl, can you tell us, roughly, which neighborhood you live in so-so that we know.

karl: It’s-it’s Central--

steve: Central, is it?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Wow, imagine if that little- was he a Chinese fella, did you say?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Imagine if was listening now. I’d love him to call in and explain these actions.

karl: Well, he might be on some other radio station talking about a lad who’s always washing up and looking at his hands in a mysterious way.

ricky: But- didn’t this doctor, this doctor that would go, “Well, alright, Karl. I’ve got- you can either leave ‘em as stumps or I’ve got you a little pair of feet.” Why- I-I mean, I told Jane this and Jane went, “Is that the only choice? Did he say, ‘You can have some dead man’s hands?’”

ricky: “Have you got any-Where’d you get the feet from? Where do you get the feet from? Can I have, can I have- what would you rather have, then; human feet or monkey paws?

karl: Mm, well, I mean, that wasn’t an option last night. If the doctor said--

ricky: No, it wasn’t an option last night, but don’t forget it’s in your head, Karl. This didn’t happen. This is--

karl: No, but I’m just saying, at the time, that’s all the doctor had to offer.

ricky: But you know it’s your head. You can go anywhere. No, no, no. It wasn’t a real doctor to offer. It’s in your head. You can go anywhere. You’re not trapped.

karl: Yeah, but if you can do anything, then you’d say, “Well, sort us out some other hands.”

steve: Fair point. Let’s play a record.

ricky: We’ve got to come back to this.

ricky: Strokes, “Someday”, XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais.

steve: Lads, can I just stop you there straightaway?

ricky: What is it?

steve: Cause the record finished before we’d finished chatting about what we’re going to do next.

ricky: We’re going to, we’re going to do Karl’s stupid competition again. We’re just trying to get the- I think, I think that you’re--

steve: What are the rules?

ricky: Right--

steve: Cause last week it was a shambles, Rick.

ricky: I know. Cause it was too easy, that’s why.

steve: No, the week before, I should say.

ricky: I think people should phone up now and be held in a queue and then he should have the clue. Otherwise, cause people’ll just phone up whether they know the answer or not.

steve: But how is that entertaining to the listener?

ricky: It’s not.

steve: That’s why I’m going to throw it back at ya straightaway.

ricky: I don’t think this is entertaining at all. I just think people might want to talk to Karl first, just a split second.

karl: The way we’ll do it, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right. This is me role here, right? This is, this is the way we’re going to do it.

ricky and steve: Ricky and Steve: Right.

karl: We’re going to say if you want to win “The Office” on VHS, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You can call up--

ricky: Don’t say it like that. Like it’s a rubbish prize.

steve: There is some- if you get the DVD, there’s some special frottage.

steve: Alright? So…it’s impressive.

karl: Alight. So they call up now on 08- 08700 800 1234, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We’ll, like, bung on a bit of Elton John in a bit. Right?

ricky: Mmm.

karl: We line up two calls--

ricky: Look forward to that. It’s a beautiful track.

karl: Yeah. We line up two callers--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? And then we have them on the air and we say, “Right, I’m going to tell ya the little story. You’ve got to tell me what song it is.” and they’re playing against each other.

ricky: Well, could there be, could they be up at the same time then so they can speak at the same time?

karl: Yeah. Of course, yeah.

steve: But how can they play against each other cause they haven’t got buzzers or anything.

karl: It’s the first one who- they can say the name. They can shout out the name and-and it’s organized--

ricky: And they got as many go’s as they want?

steve: No, I think they should have one go at a time and then the other person can have a go and they can have another go.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: It’s like dueling.

steve: It’s like dueling.

karl: And if they don’t win, no one wins this week. We’re not giving away prizes willy-nilly.

steve: Sure.

karl: You know, we can give one away next week, again.

steve: Cause you know, like, “The Office” is not costing us anything. Cause we were, like, involved.

karl: I know, but--

steve: We can get as many copies as you want of that.

karl: I like it--

steve: Seriously.

karl: I like it when, like--

steve: We got ‘em coming out of our a--

ricky: Do-do you think the listeners are usually in on, sort of, board meetings like this? Or do you--

steve: I’ve said this before, guys! I’ve said before we should do this off air, but you-you refused to chat.

ricky: Imagine-imagine Chris Tarrant going, “Hold on. They-they can, they can- what are they going to do?”

steve: “They can phone a friend.”

ricky: “They- yeah. They just phone a friend and it’ll come down-“ Right, okay. We haven’t got this--

steve: We haven’t got this sorted. Phone up now, phone up- we’ll play some adverts.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Phone up now--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Alright? So that’s the plan, then.

ricky: Okay. We’re going to have a beautiful track here. Continuing our--

steve: Wait, whoa.

ricky: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Wait, Steve. Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve.

steve: Go on.

ricky: Right, I’ve said your name five times now. I don’t need to mention your name at all next week. Right, we’re going to play, uh, Elton John. Continuing our, sort of, thing of don’t-don’t diss someone just cause they’re old and bald now.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They used to be good. This is a beautiful track. I dissed him, didn’t I?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, called, “Tiny Dancer”. We’re gonna enjoy that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Enjoy that.

steve: Enjoy that.

ricky: And then--

steve: If not now--

ricky: Steve, what were you going to say?

steve: Thanks for asking. I was just going to say, what should the audience be doing now? If they’re listening at home, they want to play the game. What should they be doing, Karl? Should they be phoning you now?

ricky: Say the number again.

karl: They should be ringing 08700 800 1234.

ricky: 08700--

ricky and karl: Ricky and Karl: 800 1234.

steve: And two lucky contestants get to play your game.

karl: Uh, yeah. “What’s the Song?”

steve: “What’s the Song That Karl‘s Thinking of?”

ricky: Could I give you a clue when you call up; you’ve got more chance of playing if you don’t sound like a mentalist.

steve: Exactly. Most of the people that phone sound a bit like Karl. We’re not interested. We don’t want those sort of people.

ricky: No. Yeah.

steve: We want people who can, you know, who are maybe eloquent--

ricky: “Why you watch me in my pants?”

ricky: Elton John, “Tiny Dancer”.

steve: Beautiful.

ricky: What a great track.

steve: Oh, it’s magnificent.

ricky: Well, we’ve got--

ricky: Di- I- well, despite Karl’s actions- you should’ve seen Karl. It was like Squiddly Diddly.

ricky: His arm and legs there. He’d have been better with feet, I’ll tell ya. He didn’t know what he was doing. We were getting angry. At one point, he went, “Oh, we get a man and a woman!” and he, uh--

ricky and steve: Ricky and Steve giggle

ricky: Bloke phones up. He goes, “Are you a bloke?” Bloke goes, “Yeah.” He goes, “Hold on.” And then another bloke calls up. He goes, “Aw, you’re a bloke.” I went, “We wanted a woman.” He goes, “Put the woman on.” She came on, he went, “Are you the woman?”

ricky: It’s the way he speaks to people.

steve: Oh, magnificent.

ricky: So who’ve we got on the line?

karl: Here’s the woman.

ricky: “Here’s the woman!” Hello.

woman caller: Hello.

ricky: Hi, what’s your name?

woman caller: Sarah.

ricky: Sarah, okay. Right, Steve. You-you-you want to be rooting for this--

steve: Well, I think we should- seems to me because you may need some help because obviously Karl’s mind is, uh, is a viper’s nest.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It’s a jungle in there.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um, so, you know, if you want to call anyone at any point. Maybe you’ve got some questions you want to just consult or confer then I’ll be on your side.

sarah: I might have to.

ricky: You’re like- she’s like- you’re like her phone-a-friend.

steve: Exactly. I’m the phone-a-friend and ask the audience and--

ricky: Who’s the bloke?

karl: Here’s the bloke.

male caller: It’s Owen.

ricky: Owen. Okay, I-I’ll be, um, helping you out should you need any help or clues as, you know, as insight into Karl’s mind. I must tell you, though, we don’t know what Karl’s going to come out with now either.

steve: No. I--

ricky: We keep it, we keep it real like this. Go on.

steve: I should just say for people who’ve not heard the show before, um, this is where Karl now will tell us a cryptic story and basically, hidden within that will be a clue to the title of a song.

ricky: I say cryptic. It’s-it’s--

steve: Gobbledygook. Yeah.

steve: Nonsense.

ricky: So, okay then. Um, just to find out, um, uh, who-who goes first; my lad or-or your girl. Um, I’m going to, um, uh, toss a coin in my head.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Say who can guess it first.

steve: Ladies first. Ladies first.

ricky: Okay,

steve: What was her name again, sorry?

karl: Sarah.

sarah: Sarah.

ricky: Sarah, Sarah.

steve: Sarah.

ricky: Okay--

steve: Sarah, heads or tails?

ricky: Heads or tails?

sarah: Tails.

ricky: No. Right, my lad’ll go first.

steve: Okay, so what this means is when he’s finished the cryptic clue, you, Owen, will get to guess first, but if you get it wrong it goes over to Sarah and then back and forth until one- hopefully one of you gets it right.

owen: Okay.

ricky: Okay?

steve: We could be here for sometime.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? And what-what-what we playing for here?

ricky: A DVD or video of The Office.

steve: Whatever we can--

ricky: Whatever kind of format you got.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Okay then.

karl: Brilliant.

ricky: Okay, Karl. Go.

karl: Right. So here we go, right?

steve: So it’s the name of a song we’re looking for? Brilliant.

karl: Right, this bloke, he’s had a, uh, he’s had a good night out.

steve: Right.

karl: At the pub.

ricky: This is probably all irrelevant.

steve: Mm-hmm.

karl: Um--

ricky: Remember that, Owen. This could all be irrelevant.

owen: Yeah.

ricky and karl: Ricky and Karl: Okay.

karl: So he’s had a good night out with his mates an’ that and, uh, he's really enjoyed himself. And he’s on-on his way home and he’s just like any-any ordinary night, right? Everything’s just normal, he’s seeing the same people leaving-leaving the pub, going home. And he’s like, “See ya, ya know, see ya tomorrow night. I-I’ll be out tomorrow, seven-thirty and what have you.”

karl: And-and they’re on their way home and, uh, it’s a nice night. Everything’s-everything’s nice and he’s walking home and he sees this, sort of, sort of, smoke coming out of a grid. Right?

steve: Some smoke coming out of a grid?

karl: Yeah. Bit, a bit of smoke. He thinks, “What’s that?” Alright? And this is what’s weird cause it’s like any other normal night, but this time smoke’s coming out of the grid. He goes over to it and he can hear some moaning, right? It’s like, “Oooh.” So he-he thinks, “This isn’t right.” So he stands over the grid and he’s-he’s looking down and he can’t see anything. So he lifts the grid up, right?

steve: Do you mean a grill?

karl: No, a grid.

steve: A grid?

karl: You know, like a grid in the street.

ricky: Yeah, he means a grill.

steve: A grill. Okay.

karl: Alright. And he lifts it off and more smoke’s coming out and he can hear the moaning getting louder. And then this little demon pops his head out.

steve: Ooh.

karl: Right?

steve: Bloody demons.

karl: And he goes, “Are you alright?”

steve: Yeah.

karl: And the little demon goes, “Ooh, I’m hurtin’!” And he goes, “What do you mean you’re hurtin’?” He said, “Oh, it’s dead hot down there, you know.”

karl: And it’s weird cause he works it out that it’s, like, come from hell, right?

steve: Yes.

karl: And it’s going, “Oh, I’m all hot. I’m burning.” And all his skin’s, sort of, really red raw because of all the flames in hell an’ stuff. So he goes, “Ohh.” He said, uh, “I’ll tell you what; I’ll take you to the doctor’s.” And the little, the little demon’s like, “What? You’ll do that for me?” And he goes, “Yep. I’ll do that.” And he take him to the doctor’s… What’s the song?

ricky: That was, uh, Ricky Gervais on XFM. It’s three o’clock now. We’re going over to Natasha. Thanks very much. See you next week. Bye!

steve: Man alive. That was, that was quite a long story.

karl: Ooh.

ricky: Is Owen and Sarah still there?

owen: Yeah.

steve: Have you dozed off?

steve: You still with us?

ricky: Okay, Owen.

owen: Any clues?

steve: No, not yet. You’ve got to have a guess.

ricky: I haven’t got a clue. I haven’t got a- I have, I have no idea. Can I think out loud with Owen, do you think?

steve: I think Owen needs to at least have a guess before--

ricky: Okay, have a guess, Owen.

owen: Eh, “Smoke on the Water”.

karl: No.

ricky: Well, it’s not, is it? So--

steve: Not going to be that.

ricky: Okay.

steve: Sarah, what do you think?

sarah: “Bat Out of Hell”?

steve: It’s a good guess.

karl: No, not--

steve: It’s not right.

karl: Not right.

ricky: Right, Karl. You’ll have to give ‘em a little clue.

karl: Um. Well, think about the little fella.

steve: Think about the little demon.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay.

karl: As the clue.

steve: Brilliant. Thanks for that.

karl: Where did I say he came from?

owen: “Highway to Hell”?

karl: Mm, on the right- along the right lines, but not the right song. Back to Sarah.

steve: Sarah?

sarah: “Stairway to Heaven”?

karl: Mm…

ricky: Karl, if this is rubbish, I’m never working with you again. If this doesn’t work--

steve: What do you mean, “if this is rubbish”?

karl: Right. Right. Okay, take a, take the main bit of the story; what’s happened?

steve: We don’t know what the main bit is!

ricky: What’s the main bit of the story? It took thirty minutes!

steve: The grid- is the grid- we got the grid--

ricky: The grid, yeah.

steve: The smoke--

karl: What’s he done? How did the story end?

ricky: He takes him to the doctor.

steve: He went to the doctor! That’s the clue! He went to the doctor.

karl: Who did he take to the doctor?

steve: A demon.

ricky: The little demon fella.

karl: Why did he do that? Sarah, c’mon. That’s a big clue.

steve: Right. Why did- Sarah, c’mon. Let's think about this. Why would he take a little burnt demon to--

ricky: Was he burnt?

steve: He was burnt, wasn’t he?

karl: Well, he was from hell.

steve: Yeah.

karl: All the flames an’ that and all the skin’s really raw and he’s moaning in pain.

ricky: Oh.

karl: And the little fella goes, “Yeah, I am on the way home. Me tea’s going to be in the oven and everything, but do you know what? I’m going to take you to the doctor’s and sort you out.”

ricky: Sick…

steve: Doctor’s…

ricky: Doctor. Oh, God.

steve: Is there anyone you’ve got there in the house who could maybe have help you?

steve: Like, sort of, an eight year old child?

ricky: Yeah, yeah. An alien.

steve: Yeah. Um..

sarah: I’ve got a three month old baby.

ricky: Oh.

steve: He probably talks more sense.

sarah: Yeah.

ricky: Not than you. Than Karl, we mean. Um--

steve: Ohh. Right, tell you what. Let’s play a record--

ricky: But these two--

steve: Let’s have a chat.

ricky: These poor people have got lives!

steve: Sure.

ricky: They-they--

steve: Oh, like we haven’t.

ricky: No, but- I know. Karl, this is--

steve: There’s so many things I could be doing instead of this, Rick.

ricky: I know, but Karl. Karl!

karl: We’ll play some ads, right?

ricky: They can’t stay on the line for--

karl: They’ve got three minutes. They’re playing for a video, here.

karl: They’ve got three minutes to think about it. Is that alright with you?

sarah: Okay.

karl: Yeah and is that alright, Owen?

owen: Yep.

karl: Sorted.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Please try and guess this cause Karl’s threatening to roll it over till next week.

sarah: Oh.

ricky: I know. I don’t, I don’t want to live a week trying to think of a little burnt devil in a, in a grid, as he calls it.

steve: “Burnt Devil in a Grid”! That must be it.

ricky: “Devil in a Grid” by INXS.

steve: “Smokey Smokey Devil Devil”.

ricky: Oh, God.

steve: Oh, “Burnt Devil Grid”.

karl: Sarah, any--

steve: Grid! What’s a grid?

karl: Any idea?

ricky: He means a grill. He means the little thing in the, in the… Smoke. Burn.

steve: “Smoke on the Water”

ricky: “Bar-Barbecue to Doctor.”

steve: Burnt.. Doctor.

karl: Owen? Any… any ideas?

owen: Uh, “Devil Without a Cause” by Kid Rock.

karl: No. What are we going to--

steve: Is-is the word “devil” right?

karl: Yeah.

steve: So “devil’s” a key word, here.

karl: And you’re thinking about what the bloke’s- what’s the bloke done? He’s took him to the doctor. Why did he do that? Why didn’t he just say, “Oh, yeah. It looks terrible, but I’ve got to get off home.”

steve: He’s a good Samaritan.

ricky: Cause he’s a good Samaritan.

karl: Right.

steve: He’s a good guy. He’s, uh--

karl: He’s a good guy.

ricky: Savior.

steve: Devil…

ricky: Savior Devil for… Later.

karl: We’re really running out of time.

steve: I’ve got it! I’ve got it!

ricky: Have you really?

steve: Sarah.

sarah: Yeah?

steve: I tell you this, love; you are- you’ve got something to entertain yourself with in about three weeks time when we get the DVDs and videos through.

sarah: Cool.

steve: Um. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, “Sympathy for the Devil”.

karl: Well done!

steve: “Sympathy for the Devil”! Oh, man alive.

ricky: Karl, it’s rubbish, mate. It’s rubbish.

karl: It’s not--

ricky: IThat's not a cryptic clue.

karl: It’s not rubbish!

ricky: “Sympathy for the Devil”. You said he wasn’t the devil; you said he was a demon. Right?

karl: Right, but I couldn’t--

ricky: Right? Okay, “Sympathy for”. What-what’s all that rubbish about him being burnt and taking him to the hospital?

steve: Sorry, Rick, but I’m noting a little, uh, a little whiff of jealousy there.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: He’s so rubbish.

steve: No, I’m sorry, but Sarah is happy.

ricky: I cannot- it’s not allowed to try and make people guess--

steve: Her baby is happy.

karl: Sarah--

steve: Her-her husband or maybe partner.

ricky: Sorry Owen.

steve: Maybe they’re not married, maybe they’re living in sin. She- he’s also happy. They’re happy. That household is happy.

ricky: Owen’s gutted.

steve: Owen’- devastated.

sarah: Fantastic.

ricky: Yeah. Do you want it on DVD or video?

sarah: DVD, please.

ricky: DVD.

steve: Sarah, thank you very much indeed for playing. Owen, consolations.

ricky: Sorry Owen.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Triumphant. Another triumph, Karl.

ricky: You are so rubbish, Karl. You are so rubbish.

karl: They got it right.

steve: Oh, dear.

ricky: Rubbish!

karl: Well done, Steve.

steve: Jealous. Jealous. I loved it. I thought it was great.

ricky: Rubbish. It’s--

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