XFM Vault - S02E11 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Foo Fighters "All My Life" on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant…

steve: Hello.

ricky: …and of course Karl Pilkington. Oooooo have we got a show for you today.

ricky: Haven't we?

steve: What have we got planned, what have we got planned?

ricky: Oh we've got loads, awwww

steve: Come on.

ricky: Loads of stuff and it- two hours of it.

steve: Right.

ricky: And all the records.

steve: Specifically what sort of stuff have you planned for us? Cause I know you've been working hard.

ricky: What have you done what have you done?

steve: Cause I see oh you know I've been busy this week I've been house hunting I've had various things but I know you've had the whole week off.

ricky: Right.

steve: So what have you been up to?

ricky: Go on then, Karl. Karl, tell him what we've got. Tell him what you've- what we've planned and all the stuff you've done.

karl: What have you got?

steve: But Rick, Specifically what have you come up with?

ricky: I've uh-

steve: Quick quick quick quick cause people are gettin' bored. Tell us what you've-

ricky: Ok, I've come up with um the music.

steve: Right, I c- obviously that- we've already planned that. We planned that last week, so that's all done. But what have you yourself contributed to today's show?

ricky: I got uh- I got uh… um… uh… a text message today from Ross Noble. You know, Ross Noble the comedian.

steve: M-hm.

ricky: Who's on- who's on Have I Got News For You.

steve: Right

ricky: Alright? He says, "Ask Karl, if he woke up with ladies' boobs would he just put a dress on and live as a lady or would he just be a man but with these boobs?"

steve: Karl it's a good question.

karl: Oooo

steve: I know, I know that happened to Ross.

steve: So he's throwing that one out at ya.

ricky: He did in a way cause he ate pizzas for a year, didn't he?

steve: Yes he did.

ricky: He got a lovely pair of breasts.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Or man boobs.

karl: Probably just find a loose fitting jumper and go to the doctors

ricky: What would you say to the doctor? How would you explain this phenomenon to the doctor? See you'd be- you'd be happy with this cause you believe in um- shite like you know-

karl: No no no no no

ricky: Go on. What?

karl: But it can happen cos I told ya a couple of weeks ago how that can happen.

ricky: What? What ha-

karl: How you can wake up with breasts if you're a fella. I told ya.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Haven't ya remembered?

ricky: No I I I funny that, innit? Go on.

karl: Have you, Steve?

steve: No I I don't remember this. Wh- did you tell us on air?

karl: Yeah. Um it can happen if you go to Argentina and have a steak…

karl: … you can wake up with breasts. Because-

karl: Because they-

steve: I'm sure I would have remembered that.

ricky: Karl, pull the udder one.

ricky: Look'it he likes that he likes that!

steve: Is that what you’ve come up with for this week, that joke?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Brilliant play a record it's gonna be a dynamite show.

karl: What song do ya want?

ricky: Oh right listen, look we're gonna play- I'm gonna play some classic tunes today I'm gonna educate the youngsters, Steve.

steve: Uh-huh.

ricky: Right, now you've all heard of Lou Reed, you've all heard of Velvet Underground but, you know, have you heard of "Venus in Furs", Karl?

ricky: "Venus in Furs" Velvet Underground. What a great start. A classic song.

steve: I mean they continue to sound fresh and contemporary.

ricky: Yeah. Is this- do you know what that s-song's about, Karl?

karl: No.

ricky: M&S. M&S

steve: It's about M&S

ricky: You know that?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: You know, the shop.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: It's all about that.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Bout plush and all that, all the things you can get at Marks and Spencers.

steve: Shiny boots of leather.

ricky: Yeah, being whipped.

steve: Yeah, I think that's a new division they've opened.

ricky: Yeah. But we have got a great show lined up.

steve: Have we? No, go on.

ricky: No no we have cause we've got um- uh- Rockbusters, coming up the great quiz.

steve: Really looking forward to that.

ricky: And that- that's- that's made the press.

steve: Has it?

ricky: Um Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah

ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeahyeah, um- uh- Friendly Tearooms Newsletter mentioned it.

ricky: Um- we've also got-

steve: That's Karl's local isn't it?

ricky: Yeah, yeah we've also got uh Educating Ricky where Karl educates me. The one last week, (in a Manc accent) A girl, right, she was deaf and she's had an argument with her mum, she pushed her and she hit her head and then she could hear again.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Don't know what I learned from that.

steve: No.

ricky: It might be- it might be subliminal- summat might be going- it might be a metaphor that I will learn from.

steve: Yeah it's like a parable.

ricky: Yeah yeah so uh- look at his face.

steve: So um-

ricky: We might as well have been talking Dutch. Mightn't we, Karl?

ricky: Say something, quick, it's radio.

karl: D-d- I don't understand what you want from me.

ricky: Awww, we're only joking.

karl: Alright so… Educating Ricky, I've worked a bit harder this week, got some good stuff.

steve: Ok.

karl: Uh- I'll give you the- the- the-

steve: The teaser headlines later.

karl: The headlines in a bit.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We have got-

steve: So you've got- you've got Rockbusters as well.

ricky: Karl's having a bit of a stressful week cause he thinks he's not appreciated, cause he- he- he gets in at- what time you gettin' in, about 8 or 9 don't ya?

karl: About… well last w- well yeah I've been busy this week, I've been in about half past 8 in the morning.

ricky: Yeah and been leaving when?

karl: About half past 8 or 9:00 at night.

ricky: Yeah, and in Saturday.

karl: Yeah, I'm in now.

ricky: You get paid, don't ya?

karl: I'm busy at home at the moment.

ricky: A lot of people work late, Karl. A lot of people work 12 hour days.

steve: Why are you busy at home, Karl? What you up to?

karl: Cos we're tryin' to sort out a move.

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: I've been tryin' to call around this morning to get someone to buy a futon and a table from me.

steve: Yes.

karl: Um.

steve: Well we could put that appeal out now, couldn't we, if anyone wants to buy a futon or a table?

ricky: Just think a futon that Karl Pilkington slept on.

steve: Exactly. How much are you uh- you asking?

karl: Whatever, uh-

steve: Well you need to be more specific.

karl: You gotta take the two, I don't want, like, different people coming round an' that.

steve: Sure.

karl: Gotta buy futon and a table, um-

steve: It's quite specific, isn't it? If someone has to want a futon the-

ricky: Exactly.

steve: The specific futon you're selling and the table.

ricky: And the tea mate, isn't it. Alarm clock and teamaker this is futon and table.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um-

karl: Lookin' for about- about a hundred quid.

ricky: And it's good to- it's good condition, the futon?

karl: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Right no stains, you haven't pissed yourself in the- no.

steve: No, nothing? And what kind of table, what sort of table is it we're talking? Are we talking like a table for a lounge, a d- dining table?

karl: No, f- for uh- like a computer and uh- uh just uh- you know something-

steve: Have you got any drawers? Are there any drawers?

karl: No.

steve: There's no drawers.

karl: No it's just a nice wooden table and uh- solid-

steve: Is it- is it kind of oak or is it sort of an Ikea sort of thing?

karl: No it's like oakish.

steve: It's oakish.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Ok.

karl: So, a hundred quid.

ricky: The futon is just- is just a mattress and the- and the- the- the pallets, yeah?

karl: Yeah but it's not- you see, you get cheap futons don't you.

ricky: So this is a good one is it-

karl: This is a good one it's- it's uh-

steve: How much would that have retailed for when you purchased it?

karl: I think I paid about 250 for it.

steve: So it's a bargain for people?

karl: Well, if you look at it, if you-

steve: Now how long have you had it, how old- how old is it?

ricky: This is a whole new strand, isn't it?

steve: Well, I think it- I this is-

ricky: I don't thing it's legal, I think- I don't think we should use-

steve: I'll tell you what I'm interested in, Rick is-

ricky: What?

steve: -just finding out a little bit about the sort of thing that Karl's got in his home, you know?

ricky: I- I'm interested in if people will phone up to spend a hundred pounds just to go round-

steve: Karl's house, yeah.

karl: No no I won't be, no.

ricky: What?

karl: No no they come here I'll bring it to work and they can pick it up here.

steve: You're gonna bring a futon and a table to work? Don't you ride a bike to work?

ricky: So hold on we need someone with a van, now.

ricky: So we need- is- is anyone who wants to- they're not allowed round your house, can they meet you next door, someone with a van who will-

steve: Can they meet you in your street somewhere?

ricky: Hold on, could they meet you, hold on what about the little Chinese fella that lives across the road, on the 2 houses and the old woman who's dead reading a book? Could- could you meet him somewhere-

steve: I've got an idea, what about if you meet them at the end of your street, you blindfold them-

steve: Like they do when- when terrorists take the negotiator to the uh-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The hideout.

ricky: The big cheese.

steve: And um- and so you can do that and in- and so, you know they- they could piece together, maybe where you live.

ricky: With sounds.

steve: By sounds and stuff.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: But, uh- what about that, Karl? That’s- that's just a great idea.

karl: Yeah.

steve: And would you sign the futon for people, d'you think? Would you uh- would you give 'em a little signature? Or maybe you could-

ricky: Or maybe you could sign the pallet, you could sign the pallet.

karl: Yeah, or I could try and get work to buy it off me and then we give it away for Rockbusters.

ricky: Do you think they'd do that? You think they'd do that? They'd probably do it for Foxy with his- with his big hog.

steve: Imagine how big that would be.

ricky: Imagine if he wanted to sell his hog.

steve: Yeah. That is a motorbike isn't it? I-

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, he's been selling his hog for money for years doesn't he?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Oh dear.

karl: So, but we'll see about that if people are interested.

steve: So uh- if people are interested then maybe email um- [email protected] if you're interested in a futon.

ricky: Buy- buy Karl's futon.

steve: And uh-

ricky: Competition, one hundred pounds O-N-O.

ricky: Yeah? Yeah?

karl: What gear have we got in here?

steve: I never knew what that meant, O-N-O, I don't- I thought it meant sort of on the nose, on the noooose.

ricky: Oh that's good, yeah. Um- what have we got well tell 'em what we've got we've got to give away Steve.

steve: Actually I have to say you've excelled yourself this week.

ricky: And we got Richard Ashcroft's single coming up soon after this, go on.

steve: When have you- since when have you taken to talking like that?

steve: It does amuse me.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Um- this is actually- this is a nice little collection here, this is a 3 DVD set uh- David Attenborough's uh- The Life of Birds: Trials of Life and Life in the Free Zone.

ricky: That's a good one, innit? Go on.

steve: That's a selection of- uh- animal-based documentaries.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um- we've got.

ricky: That's what he's best at.

steve: Well, absolutely.

ricky: I hate when he goes off for boar and he does like uh- fast cars.

steve: This is uh- a very very good indeed, this is uh- uh- a best of David Bowie compilation

ricky: It is a very good- it's a proper one-

steve: It's uh-

ricky: Not the rubbish ones that no one else wanted this is a brilliant compilation of Bowie.

steve: Yes it's got an excellent selection on there. Uh- we've got- what's this? Now this looks like a Madness… oh no, no no no no no, no it's far worse than we could have possibly imagined, it seems to be some kind of-

ricky: Is it Our House?

steve: -tie in with the Our House Madness musical.

ricky: And it's sort of what a cast of 20 people who wanted to be singers?

steve: Uh- I ca- it's tricky to find out I can't figure out if it's the originals or not but needless to say if you're a Madness fan I'm sure that will be an absolute treat.

ricky: Yeahyeahyeah, you'll love that you'll love that.

steve: Uh- now I know that uh-

ricky: Steve, I wouldn't mind that DVD collection meself.

ricky: I can't- we can't give it away, no we can't.

steve: Talking of great compilations what about this is Country Legends

ricky: Oh that's alright.

steve: I'm seeing on there Glen Campbell we've got Dolly Parton we've got um- whatchamacallit on the- on the cover.

ricky: Whatchamacallit?

ricky: From from-

steve: A great performer.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: Jake um- Whatchamacallit.

ricky: Oh excellent.

steve: Great hits from him so uh- that's there-

ricky: Well uh- what a collection

steve: That's uh some Xfm compilation again easy to get hold of if you-

ricky: But the big one, the big one the film that Karl uh- picks every week.

steve: The DVD movie.

ricky: The big one.

steve: This week.

ricky: Don't go out tonight if you've got a DVD player and a television set cause you'll be staying in and watching this fantastic film.

steve: It will tear your soul apart. It's Hellraiser.

steve: The original Hellraiser, bear in mind it has been on Channel 4 and Channel 5 and on most cable channels since it came out. But if you haven't seen it- if you are one of the only people who has not seen it and of course you have to be over 18 to play, then you can win Hellraiser.

ricky: That is fantastic well uh- play a- play a song, Karl and we'll come back to that, more- more great stuff.

steve: Indeed the competition coming up later. Email only isn't it, Karl?

karl: Yeah, yeah

ricky: Futon.

steve: Haha, a futon's still available.

ricky: Richard Ashcroft "Check the Meaning." Well, Karl you're chuffed aren't ya? What's happened? What's just happened? Tell the listeners what's happened.

steve: This has sparked you up a bit.

karl: Steve's just called up, he's uh- put in an offer for the futon and the table.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Um- I think he wanted to- he definitely wanted it but I said, "Look, now think about it over the weekend."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Give us a call.

steve: Well you're not a hustler.

karl: No well I'm no- I'm not gonna rush him into it because once he's got it he- he can't bring it back. I'm not messin' about.

steve: No.

karl: Um- so-

ricky: The bloke said uh- "What sort of wood is it?" Karl said, "Sort of uh- sort of like a light brown color." He went, "What, beech colored?" Karl went, "Depends what beach you're on."

ricky: Which was nice.

steve: You do understand there's a wood that's called beech.

ricky: Called beech.

karl: Uh- well- well he's- he's happy he likes the sound of it and I had a plum cover.

karl: So it's gonna be uh-

ricky: Yeah. Is Karl going, "That will go with (mumbles)" he's just going, "I'll tell you what'll look nice in your spare bedroom…" It was like a-

steve: Well he did- he-

ricky: -an episode of Changing Rooms it was like listening to a representative Karl

steve: He did the deal in under 3 minutes wasn't it?

ricky: He's pretty good isn't he?

steve: You phoned him about half way through in that song so-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You work pretty quick, Karl, I've gotta say.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: It's your Manc scally ways.

ricky: I'm sure we're not allowed to do this, though.

steve: No I think it's highly criminal.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But have you got anything?

steve: Well I tell you I am moving shortly so I mean I might- I might come in next week I could have a couple of things.

ricky: I threw away a desk the other day.

steve: I've gotta get rid of a bed, um- a chair, cause you know I'm pretty tall. This is so pathetic. When I- when I moved up to London my dad said, "Well you wanna be careful cause I mean the seating in a lot of these London pads it's a bad scene, very low backs. Fashionable isn't it, fashionable chairs and stuff you're a big guy, 6 foot 7 you need, like, a decent chair." We went into a shop, it was, like, a second hand furniture shop, right? We bought this chair, very high backed.

ricky: What did you buy? The fact that you bought so low I love that.

steve: It was just a chair so I could sit in my room and watch TV.

ricky: But was it a soft chair or was it a wooden chair?

steve: It was kind of like a sort of uh- it was gr- lemme explain cause it's kind of like an armchair but it's kind of got wooden arms. So I get this chair I bring it up to London I'm-

ricky: Imagine that.

steve: This is a wonderful chair.

ricky: I love it!

steve: And I'd be watching TV everyone else is in agony-

ricky: Right, yeah so

steve: But I've got this lovely chair, right? And someone went- and they looked at it and they went, "Isn't that an orthopedic chair?"

steve: And I looked at it again, right? And I realized it's kind of wipe cleanable.

steve: It's made of some kind of fabric that allows you to just mop it down with a wet cloth.

ricky: Why?

steve: Cause I think it came from an old people's home.

ricky: Oooooh

steve: You know when you see, like, old people-

ricky: Oh no.

steve: -in some kind of social room, it- at old people's homes just sat watching a little-

ricky: Yeah, everything's dry wipe.

steve: -cruddy old TV and they can- and you can wipe everything clean, it was- it's one of those chairs.

ricky: Ah that's fantastic.

steve: So if anyone's- maybe they've got an elderly relative.

ricky: Did you keep slipping off?

steve: (laughing) I just kept sliding off and it's also the most uncomfortable chair I've ever- cause unless you've got chronic back pain…

steve: It just is pre- it's just the most uncomfortable chair. It makes you sit all upright-

ricky: Well you've-

steve: -if not slightly forward.

ricky: You’ve done a good sell on it. I think uh- are the phones aren't going mental how much do you want for that, Steve?

steve: If you've had a recent accident or you've got a disabled or- or um- or someone in the house who's just uh- elderly then um- maybe you might wanna get in touch. I'm happy to- you can tell that I'm out for 25 quid.

ricky: This is so wrong.

steve: 25 quid I'll take that.

ricky: Awww no.

steve: If you're setting up an old people's home

steve: You know, it's a little pet project.

ricky: Yeah you don't get a lot of grant, you can have-

steve: Exactly.

ricky: I mean um- because though Steve's such a high flier, I mean, if it really is a good cause he'll just give it to ya.

steve: (high pitched) Well

steve: Let's not rush into anything, Rick. I like to assess each case individually.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Certainly, certainly if you are a charity then- then I might go for 20 quid, I can- you can take it off my hands for 20 quid.

steve: Um- but otherwise 25 and I'll tell you-

steve: -it is in good condition cause I haven't really sat on it.

ricky: 5 quid off if you really are infirmed.

steve: And there were some stains, I've wiped them clean.

ricky: Uh (laughing) yeah, yeah, uh- oh dear. Well that's fantastic so we've uh- we've uh-

steve: Well let's- I'll tell you what we should resuscitate next week, Swap Shop, The Multicolored Swap Shop.

ricky: Well I uh- honestly-

steve: That's a great format.

ricky: But there's a couple of things I've always wanted to get, Swap Shop is one of them and the other one is Superstars.

steve: I don't remember Superstars.

ricky: Superstars was great cause it was, like, the people of their time. So you'd have, like, people like- nowadays you'd have- you'd have Beckham and uh- uh- um- Whatshisname- uh- who's the tennis player? Who's it?

steve: Rusedski

ricky: Yeah, (mumbles) and they- they have to compete. So all these people have to compete at each other's sports and they have to choose 7 out of 10 sports. And there's a leaderboard and there's a big final, oh Keegan came off his bike.

steve: Uh- it's not- it's not-

ricky: Jacks always used to win it

steve: It's not…

ricky: No no it's real sports

steve: It's real proper sports.

ricky: It's proper sports, it's 100 meters, tennis, weightlifting, all the real sports you- you can't do your own sport.

steve: Well I know you're a pretty big uh- guy now in- in British TV. You're a bit of a big shot. What d'ya reckon, pull some strings?

ricky: Let's get it back on air.

steve: (laughing) Let's get back in there.

ricky: Superstars.

steve: Superstars, sounds fantastic.

ricky: Me, Johnny Vegas, Peter Kay- (high pitched) for the- for the- a bigger fella I think, maybe. The comedy- comedy superstars. Um- what we got next? We got a bit of Springsteen haven't we?

steve: Let's play Springsteen. This is a track from his current album The Rise. A lot of people think…

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: …Bruce is a bit M-O-R, bit middle of the road or whatever, but, you know, I just think, piss off.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I just think, screw you. Just play it.

ricky: I just think- yeah. Get lost you.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Imagine this you're open top Caddy

steve: Yeah right

ricky: You're just going around Route 66, you just, you goin' home maybe for Thanksgiving.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: See your folks. Just turn up the radio if you are.

steve: Play the tune, Karl.

ricky: Probably not, though.

steve: That just reminded me when I brought a- just stop it for a second. I just realized.

steve: -I brought- when I brought-

ricky: Shambles. Absolute shambles.

steve: When I brought a girl back and she saw the orthopedic chair

ricky: Did you?

steve: When you bring a woman back to your pad, oh it's embarrassing.

ricky: And the harness.

steve: Yeah. (laughing) and the truss

ricky: Yeah and the (laughs). "Can you give me those two splints?" "I'm sorry?" "Those two splints, there." "Well I've got to go." "Have you?"

steve: Is this a potty under the bed?

steve: "The Rising" title track from Bruce Springsteen's current album, The Rising.

ricky: Great track.

steve: Yeah. Good tune.

ricky: Great th- that feeling of s- it's melancholy and uplifting. We've had quite an interactive show so far cause we've got uh- a call that Superstars is coming back. It's due to come back in the BBC schedules, which is great new. Apparently Steve Redgrave is one of 'em. I just think will professional footballers be allowed to take part these days, though? Well not on 50 grand a week, you can't really have 'em falling off bikes and their… ankles.

steve: Yeah.

karl: McCaskill last night.

ricky: Yeah a slippery thing.

steve: Ian McCaskill?

ricky: Oh he fell over 3 times didn't he? Oh if it had- did you see Celebrity Fit Club?

steve: No, I haven't seen it.

ricky: There was a great moment where they had to go into the thing called a Bod Pod. And you sit in it, it looks quite space-age, and it- and it…

ricky: …analyzes you and it tells you percentage body fat. Now, I think um- men are meant to be about… sort of uh… 15-25% body fat. Women are meant to be like about 20-30 body fat. And they all went in there and um- they went in there and it said uh- Ian McCaskill came up…

ricky: Uh… 34% body fat, or whatever: slightly overweight.

ricky: 38%: overweight. Then it went um- that other one…

ricky: …um- uh- 45% body fat: obese. Then it went, Jono uh…

steve: Did it say I don't want to tell you?

ricky: (laughing) yeah, yeah yeah and then it went uh-

karl: One at a time.

ricky: 50% body fat, um- uh- very obese. Then Rik Waller was sat in there and it came up 60% body fat and I wanted it to come up: slug.

steve: Oh God.

ricky: And it came up morbidly- 60- you are 60% fat.

steve: So- so 60% of him is fat?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, yeah 60% of his entire makeup

steve: That's extraordinary.

ricky: It is, yeah.

steve: Well, you know my feelings about Waller.

ricky: Well don't let's go on…

steve: Well that's the reason I don't watch the show, actually.

ricky: I do feel a bit sorry for him and he is- he is tr- I think he is trying, although the fella there um- thinks he's not trying. So I don't know who to believe, Steve.

steve: Sure, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Do I believe Waller, and he does get pains an' that and he is a bit… you know.

karl: The problem is, right, he does like his food.

ricky: Yeah. We- we all like our food.

karl: But if he didn't do the exercise he wouldn't be as hungry… and he might not get fat.

ricky: This is a whole new nutritional outlook.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: So you're saying, don't exercise and carry on eating and- that's interesting. Can I- no no no let me write that one down and we'll send that to the British-

steve: The nutritional organization.

ricky: Yeah, no that's good. Karl Pilkington, ok well- no no it's a- it's a good-

karl: No, I'm no doctor or anything.

steve: Woah! Wait wait wait wait.

ricky: Oh come off it. Stop being so bloody modest.

steve: Please.

ricky: You are a doctor.

steve: You're just-

ricky: Aren't ya? Aren't you a doctor, seriously? You- you didn't qualify? That's interesting.

steve: You dropped out early or-

ricky: That's mad. That is mad.

steve: I mean you- you're as good as a doctor you just- you just didn't get the paperwork or whatever. You just didn't turn up for the exam.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: He was just saying that Bruce Springsteen um- uh- depressed him a little bit.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Cause it reminds him of when he worked in the supermarket and I went, "It's funny how a song can do that, take you right back there," and he went, "Yeah and nothing else can do that." I said, "Well actually smell is the most evocative sense cause smell is linked to memory in the brain." And he went, "Yeah, they probably said that before music though."

ricky: And now science is going, "Oh, we better revisit this, there's music now."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We've got this theory knocking around for, ya know, 10,000-

steve: I went to see Bruce, you'll be pleased to know. I just want the fans of the show to know that I did make it to Bruce Springsteen's concert last week.

ricky: He made it.

steve: And uh- he started with that song we just played. And it was dynamite. I mean he never let up. Almost 3 hours, he rocked the joint. He's 53 he was sliding across- it was pure rock and roll. Pumping our fist, sliding across the floor on his knees, he was jumping on the piano. It was real Jerry Lee Lewis rock and roll and uh- it was dynamite. And um- I just was looking around though and when I am the trendiest person at a gig…

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: … then I'm in trouble. D'you know what I mean? And there was- some of the people there- I imagined, you know on Amazon.com um- it says like, "People who bought X also bought Y."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I think people who bought tickets to Bruce probably bought tickets for Mark Knopfler.

ricky: Yeah, I-

steve: Dave Gilmour.

ricky: Yeah, I might-

steve: Of Pink Floyd without Pink Floyd.

ricky: No, but they're the-

steve: Stevie Nicks

ricky: But there's also- yeah, but then there's also, you know, all the monsters of rock. They probably buy Stones when they visit, you know.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: And probably Tina Turner.

steve: It's the blue washed jeans.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: You know, it's the small waistcoats.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Over a denim shirt.

ricky: Plaid- plaid shirt maybe sort of like Timberlands. Nothing wrong with Timberlands. Oh that's libelous.

steve: Sure.

ricky: No, see I've done it again.

steve: But uh- it was hell getting out, I couldn't fi- I mean I went to the tube and it was a nightmare cause some of the tubes weren't running. I just said to my friend, "Oh sod this," you know dadadada, stormed off trying to find a cab. Couldn't find a cab, wandering around Wembley just livid. I mean, fuming cause I couldn't find a cab. Just- I was screaming cause I was going, "I've got money, I'm on the radio, I've had a TV show. I've got the cash, I'm willing to spend it. There's no one who can help me get home."

ricky: I've seen- I've seen him shout this in Brewer Street.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Just standing in the middle. Go on.

steve: And I was thinking to myself, what would you have done there? Because in the end I just sat in a little café and had something to eat. But you, I mean if you couldn't get a cab what would you have done? Just cause there's a couple of- I was looking there was a couple of hotels near Wembley. I was thinking you'd have just checked in.

ricky: Yeah and just have-

steve: And stayed until-

ricky: Yeah. When there's a cab, let me know.

steve: I was thinking, cause you were thinking of going, would you have booked a cab beforehand?

ricky: Uh- yeah.

steve: Would you have- would you have thought to do that?

ricky: Yeah, I'd have got a cab there and I'd have booked a cab somewhere.

steve: Genius.

karl: Wouldn't the helicopters just took you back home?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Oh he's having a dig, isn't he?

ricky: He's having a laugh. Isn't he?

steve: Blimey.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Play the ads.

karl: (sounding dejected) Yeah.

ricky: Death in Vegas, "Scorpio Rising"

steve: Featuring the voice of, is it Noel Gallagher?

ricky: Liam, innit?

steve: Is it Liam?

ricky: Sounds a bit like him.

karl: Liam, yeah.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: It's alright, innit?

ricky: Excellent, yeah. Right, ok, let's uh- let's get this show well and truly on the road. Um- we better start what Educating Ricky, next? Karl, what have you got for me? I can't wait for learning, I need learning, I need education.

steve: We should just explain-

ricky: Teach me something.

steve: -obviously, for those that have just tuned in. Karl, uh- tries to teach Ricky 3 things each week.

ricky: Based on the pun title.

steve: Each of them- just to tantalize Ricky, is um- abbreviated into some kind of headline.

ricky: A- a cryptic clue involved in a- involving a pun.

steve: So what have you got for us this week?

karl: Alright, they are really cryptic this week.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Um… first story, little headline is um… Don't worry about him, he candle it.

steve: He candle it?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Sounds a bit like he can handle it but it's not. Brilliant.

karl: Uh… second one…

ricky: I'm sorry.

karl: Uh…

ricky: Oh, Get a lobe of this.

karl: I- I'm-

steve: (laughing) Get a lobe of this.

ricky: Some classics.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Get a lobe of this.

steve: Coming soon.

ricky: And stark naked in Waterman's. Go on.

karl: Second one. I'm Kermitted to this treatment.

steve: I'm committed to this treatment.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Alright, sounds fine.

karl: Yeah. And the last one um… uh- the police are causing a bit of a stare.

ricky: (laughing) It's the way he looks when he says it. Oh I wish you could see it. Oh can't we get Karl on telly?

steve: There's gotta be a way.

ricky: The- the- all the cable channels, anyone can get on telly these days. Let's get- let's-

karl: Alright, so…

ricky: -let's phone up. Let's get you on Choice or summat. Just a little- just Karl.

karl: Wh- wh- wh- what you going for like?

ricky: Oh, he candle it. I think.

karl: Don’t worry about him he candle it.

steve: He candle it. Ok let's- let's hear this one.

karl: Alright you familiar with the uh- the phrase burning the candle at both ends?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: D'ya know how it's come about?

steve: I know a man who does.

ricky: I- I assumed that it was to get more light… in the room.

karl: How would that work?

ricky: Well, they'd put it sideways and light both wicks out of one candle they could get two-

karl: No.

ricky: No? Go on.

karl: No, what it is- it's uh-

ricky: I know what it means. It means you- you're staying- you're doing too much, you're staying up too much. You're not getting enough sleep and you're-

karl: Well, years ago

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Um- when they didn't have light bulbs an' that.

ricky: Oh yeah, what year is this? Literally, literally ages ago, specifically.

karl: Yeah, quite a bit back.

steve: Mhm.

ricky: Ok.

karl: Uh… didn't have light bulbs an' that so they used to have candles everywhere-

ricky: When did the light bulb come in cause I can't remember at the moment?

karl: Uh- oooo, dunno.

ricky: Ok go on.

karl: So um… yeah so there's no light bulb.

ricky: Well you wouldn't know anyway, you're a- you're a doctor you're not a historian. Go on.

karl: Uh- and people who worked a lot of hours, yeah.

ricky: How many? Literally lots?

karl: They get up early in the morning, cos they have to be up early.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it's dark outside so they light the candle.

steve: Sure.

karl: And they wear it out a bit. And then they- they're gettin' in late as well.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And like, they be like, "Oh, it's dark, we'll have to light the candle again." And they're burning candle at both ends of the day. So that's where the saying comes from burning the candle at both ends… So…

steve: Alright.

karl: That's uh- a little lesson.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Let's go on.

ricky: Uh…

ricky: Can I have-

karl: No, no you can't have another one yet.

steve: You can't rush into them, Rick. You've got to-

ricky: I've got to

steve: You've gotta soak that one in. Any questions for Karl off the back of that?

karl: What'd ya think?

ricky: So… so people were- I mean basically where this comes from is people have-

steve: Literally burning the candle at both ends of the day.

ricky: -at both ends of the day, sure.

karl: So we've still got

ricky: Go on.

karl: I'm Kermitted to this treatment and-

ricky: I can't wait, this is like- this is like Christmas Eve for me-

steve: Rick, I should just say-

ricky: It's like I've got to open another present now.

steve: No, I'm afraid we've gotta save it. But Rick, listen um- we often get a lot of email correspondence during the show, Rick uh- which I don't- I don’t sort of pass onto you cause I mean, you're busy, you're planning the show and stuff-

ricky: Sure, sure.

steve: You've got lots of ideas-

ricky: Sure, yeah

steve: And you've got music and stuff to worry about

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah.

steve: So I checked the emails and, we get a lot of response, a lot of people obviously- you know- wanna give us feedback. Uh- just a sample one um- from Richard Anderson, he's just uh- emailed us in here, Rick cause uh- he's been listening to the show. He says, "Ricky, your show is appalling-"

steve: Um- "Are you actually aware you're on the radio or has someone just secretly stuck a microphone on you?" That's from Richard Anderson.

steve: That's typical of the kind of feedback, Rick, we're getting.

ricky: Really?

steve: Today. So…

ricky: It's that good, is it?

steve: So that's- that's the kind of- yeah, high positive praise that we're getting so uh-

ricky: I'm going- I'm plan down cause I wanted him-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I was- I was gunning for him as a fan.

steve: I was worried that

ricky: -early on in our career, so uh I think- I think he's hooked now though.

steve: But thanks Anders for uh-

steve: -getting in touch. Good work.

karl: He's sitting through though for Hellraiser, isn't he?

steve: Yeah, well that's still to come.

karl: That's Still to come.

ricky: With Rockbusters.

karl: What we playing?

steve: Uh- a bit of Ol' Dirty… bleh I can't- I can't say the word it's offensive. Old- ODB

ricky: Is it bollocks? Is it Ol' Dirty Bollocks?

steve: No no no no no no no… Ol' Dirty…

ricky: Ol' Dirty… Big cock?

ricky: What is it? What is it?

steve: I can't tell you, Ricky.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Funny word, innit?

ricky: Funny words…

steve: What other funny words are there?

ricky: Oh though, Xfm's a funny word and I just say the letters out 'cause the word doesn't make sense.

steve: Just uh- lemme just check Richard Anderson's email again, just remind myself of…

ricky: Go on.

steve: Uh- "Ricky, your show is appalling." Richard Anderson, thanks. What I like about uh- Dicky- Dicky Anders is that he's obviously so angry, he's so annoyed by the show…

steve: … that he's bothered to email just to get the venom out. Cause otherwise he'd just switch over. He's obviously so annoyed he's started up the computer…

ricky: He knows how to- he knows how to hurt someone as well.

steve: … and logged on. Exactly, he's really taken the time out to um- to show his disapproval.

ricky: Cause I'm thinking of giving up.

karl: I'll tell you what though, it can- it is pretty hard to listen to.

ricky: What, this?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: I've listened back to the tape that- when you were making that thing for the Best of…

karl: Yeah.

ricky: …and I- I mean I sounded like Albert Tatlock. I s- I really sounded like some sort of punch drunk stroke victim. And- uh- oh there you go. Let's just say I don't remember myself like that.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Um- so uh- yeah, I do apologize. It's- it's not a great planned show slick word of articulate.

steve: No no no no.

ricky: Is it? But I mean then who is?

steve: But I think there's so many shows that are, you know, nowadays on radio and I think there's- there's a lot of stuff that's heavily formatted, you know, and there's well- you know- I don't know, presenters who are professional and got some sort of degree of talent.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And ability to sort of sting a sentence together.

ricky: Bored.

steve: You know I'm thinking Chris Moyles.

ricky: Yeah. But I mean I'm bored with those- those people who-

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: -you know, uh- I think we need a little bit of- a little bit of Karl.

steve: Hey.

ricky: … in our lives.

steve: I was just thinking actually, it just suddenly struck me, if you wanna get rid of your um- your furniture.

karl: Gotta buyer.

steve: You've already got a buyer?

karl: Already got a buyer.

steve: Cause if there's any other stuff, what I really- uh- we were clearing some stuff out of our place recently and we just dumped some stuff outside on the street cause we were gonna take it and take it to the tip later. Just dumped some stuff outside and I have never seen so many people come out of the woodwork scavenging through our garbage. It was incredible, they were like zombies.

karl: Well that's what I was saying.

steve: They were like flies on shit. It was amazing.

ricky: When I said to Karl- when I said to Karl uh-

steve: That's what you should just do just dump it outside-

ricky: Well he went-

steve: -cause it will get taken.

ricky: When he went he's- he said, "D'you think I asked enough, a hundred?" I went, "Yes definitely." He went, "Aw I could have asked more." I said, "No, don't do that." I said, "because you'll end up having to pay the council to take it away." He said, "I wouldn't," he said, "I'd rather just dump it and let a little homeless fella have it."

ricky: And then he went- imagine a little homeless fella sitting at the desk.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Imagine, alright, that I walked past, he's sat outside Hearts, right? A little ol' 24 hour shop.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Sat outside there and he goes, "Have you got any change?" And I go, "I can do better than that."

steve: Yeah, here's a chair and table.

karl: Here's a futon.

ricky: And a futon. A futon no less. Not your boring bed but a trendy, yeah.

steve: Well, but the thing is I- the amazing number of people that would stop to look at our junk. What- there was a car driving by with a family and kids, perfectly respectable, just driving past, you know, on the way to somewhere. Stopped, got out, got the kids out the car, "Come on, kids, let's just look through this junk." But I love the idea that-

ricky: "You said we were going to Alton Towers, Dad."

steve: Yeah, "No, no sorry no time. We're not going to the zoo let's look through this rubbish."

ricky: "We're not going to look through other people's rubbish again are we?"

steve: "Put these gloves on and look through this shit."

ricky: "Ow! That's a needle."

steve: It was the- I mean, who does that? Well, it was like a Saturday afternoon. Kids were just gonna go and look through some rubbish. And one guy, this is the most incredible- one guy, I caught him going through the bins as I came- as I came in. I said, "Alright, what you doing?" He was one of those homeless guys who likes to remain dignified.

ricky: Why did you say what are you doing?

steve: Well, because it was my house, I had to go pa- I had to squeeze past-

ricky: It wasn't in your kitchen.

steve: He was in our front garden.

ricky: Oh was he?

steve: Yeah, going through everything. He'd torn the bags open, he was going through it. I said to him, "What you up to?" He went, "Oh yeah, just looking… stuff. Don't worry I just- I'll clean it all up afterwards just looking for a few odds and ends…" I said, "Oh yeah, take what you want, you know, it's all going away." "Yeah, yeah, thanks very much, thanks, yeah." So he went off, I didn't think anything of it. I was walking past the shops the following day, the little sort of uh- kind of 7-11, right. I was walking past, I thought, "Oh that's interesting a Gil Scott Heron album for sale." And I looked, I thought, "Wait a minute, this is all our rubbish." And the guy had set up like a little car boot sale outside the 7-11 on the pavement, he'd taken our junk, he'd marked on prices. There's like an old RAC book from 1976 that had been lying in the house, a yellow pages. You know, and he'd marked up the-

ricky: How much was the yellow pages?

steve: Well I'm glad you asked.

ricky: What year was that from?

steve: 50p, I snapped it up

steve: I thought that was a bargain. And um- it was incredible he had- the cheek of just selling our junk outside.

ricky: Enterprise, Karl, you did that. What did you used to do? You used to sell flowers.

karl: I sold flowers.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I sold uh- sold fizzy drinks at school.

ricky: Did ya?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What that you'd made?

karl: It was soda string, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Made some uh-

ricky: Well, of course when you were doing your Pilkies Makin Music, your disco…

karl: Yeah.

ricky: … you used to go into your mum's bedroom and find a pair of tights and a cigar?

karl: Yeah they- yeah. They'd be prizes uh-

ricky: Did your dad used to smoke cigars in tights or- or your mum? No which one of 'em used to sm- go on.

karl: Alright. Look, let's- let's uh-

ricky: Yeah Educating Ricky.

karl: No no no, that's- we're teasing that. Uh- Rockbusters.

steve: Well I think we should play a tune and come back with Rockbusters.

ricky: Aw, the show's falling down and going so well. It's just the energy isn't it? The first hour we got through.

steve: I'm still in good spirits.

ricky: Is this- this still good is it, this show?

steve: I'm enjoying it, yeah.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: I'm having a good time.

ricky: It's still good, is it?

steve: I just- lemme just check cause uh- just check what Richard Anderson thinks.

ricky: Did he email again?

steve: No, he said it's appalling.

steve: No no the Dickster thinks it's appalling. So uh- we should.

ricky: No but, what's this? What's this?

karl: Bit of Aqualung.

steve: Uhhh

ricky: (in Manc accent) Aqualung, Aqualungggg.

steve: Rockbusters next.

ricky: I like that. That's great, innit? Aqualung "Good Time's Gonna Come." Well, Karl, we've got loads of ideas. We've got emails coming in left right and center. I bet you caused quite a stir, I think you've turned this show around, to be honest. I'm being- honestly, yeah, no you've done really well you're actually acting a bit like a producer, isn't he?

steve: Mmm.

ricky: And uh- you're coming through in your own right.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Um… we've had great suggestions though.

steve: We have. We had a great email here.

ricky: This, just this, Karl. Listen to this

steve: Let me just check who this is from. This is from Jeff Dunne, he's a big fan of the show and he's just had a genius idea. He's saying, you're moving house, Karl, why don't Ricky and I come round. We can do a live, outside broadcast from your flat.

ricky: It's genius.

steve: We can observe from your kitchen those weirdos that live opposite.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We can just- maybe just wander around. Just see the kind of place that you've got, you know seek- maybe check out your record collection, your clothes, what you got in the bathroom.

ricky: It'd be amazing.

steve: Your futon

ricky: It'd be like Louis Theroux… wouldn't it? We- we'll be Louis Theroux…

steve: Come on, Karl. This is a dynamite idea.

karl: Nah.

ricky: Why?

karl: Uh- I don't want ya coming round and making a mess an' that.

ricky: We won't make a mess.

steve: We won't make a mess, we'll take our shoes off.

ricky: Wh- when have I ever made a mess in the studio?

karl: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: No no no.

karl: No but d'ya know what I mean?

steve: We're not gonna make a mess. Wh- wha- what- we're not gonna have anything with us.

karl: But what's in it for anyone?

steve: Well it's just a fascinating insight into you.

karl: Yeah but, right, when I see that little Chinese kid across the road who's prancing about in his underpants-

steve: Yeah.

karl: That's in the evening, alright? He's not gonna be doing that on a Saturday.

karl: So you'll be disappointed there.

steve: Sure.

karl: That old woman might-

steve: But you could still show us the room in which he dances-

ricky: Hold on, he's not really- when you say little Chinese kid he's a 35 year old man, isn't he?

karl: Yeah, well… I wouldn't say that.

steve: But anyway that's- that's beside the point. You know, we'll find our own amusement.

karl: Nah I don- I don't- I know the woman downstairs has got a baby and if we make loads of noise and it- that gets stressed out.

steve: We're not gonna make noise, are we? Just gonna have a conversation in your flat. Have a cuppa tea.

karl: Yeah but if we do an O.B. we need to get like a car outside with a big aerial on it.

steve: Well that's fine.

karl: And the parking's bad around our way.

ricky: What d'ya mean you have to do a- what d'ya mean?

karl: To do an outside broadcast.

ricky: Can't they put an IFTN line just for the day?

karl: No cos they'll make a mess of the wall and I won't get me deposit back.

karl: We'll leave that.

ricky: You know he's gone around painting all the little holes uh- to get his deposit back. In the wall, he wants to get his deposit back. He's probably cost him about 400 quid redecorating.

steve: Let's remind people, Karl, of the uh- the prizes for Rockbusters this week. It's dynamite stuff. We got the David Attenborough DVD nature collection, we've got a number of CDs, The Best of David Bowie, we've got a Madness CD, not quite sure whether that's songs from the musical or- or their original tunes, uh- Country Legends two CDs there of-

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: -great country music. And the uh- remix to Xfm compilation. Plus, of course, the big movie prize this week uh-

ricky: (in scary voice) Hellraiserrrrrrrrr

steve: Hellraiser if you haven't seen it already then I assume you have never seen a film before.

steve: Cause I don't know if there's anyone who hasn't seen Hellraiser. But obviously you have to be above 18 to join.

ricky: Go on then.

karl: What, how long would you wanna be around for? Is this just for the-

steve: Just for the show. A couple of hours.

ricky: Two hours. Just get the desk in there. A live O.B.

steve: We could check out the futon, we could sort of-

ricky: Check the futon, yeah right, but he might have sold that by now.

steve: Karl, we could have someone come round and buy it live on air.

karl: Eh…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …think about it.

steve: Think about it. Think about it.

ricky: Great.

steve: What uh-

karl: How did Graceland start?

karl: Cos that was his normal house and he took it over.

karl: Right, anyway, Rockbusters.

ricky: Yeah, go on then.

karl: I give a cryptic clue.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And- and a letter. And it makes up a band, right?

ricky: He never said the word cryptic a few months ago, I love it.

ricky: D'ya know what I mean? I feel it's like our own little Eliza Doolittle.

steve: Yes.

karl: Alright, even Richard will like this one.

steve: Mmm-hmm.

karl: Um- here we go then.

karl: First one- there's three of 'em-

ricky: Go on.

karl: -and you email in.

ricky: If this doesn't turn Dicky round, nothing will.

steve: This is an email only competition.

karl: Email only. Um- right here's the first one: um- initial is B, so it's a band starting with B

steve: Ok.

karl: And the cryptic clue is: I don't like them birds uh- they shouldn't be allowed in this area.

steve: I don't like them birds they shouldn't be allowed in this area. Next one.

karl: Right, the next one: uh- he doesn't like women yet he's got a coupla kids, that's a bit weird.

steve: Is that a cryptic clue or is that just-

ricky: Is that just a thought you've had?

steve: - is that just a general point?

ricky: Is that it?

karl: That's the cryptic clue.

steve: Ok.

karl: And the initials there are PD

steve: Ok.

karl: And uh- the last one: uh- that-

ricky: Oh I've got that one, that's terrible. That's terrible.

steve: Ok, quickly.

ricky: (laughing) Oh God.

karl: And the last one is uh

karl: That bloke who does-

steve: COME ON!

karl: (laughing) He's making me laugh.

steve: Come on, Karl. Be professional.

ricky: Oh go on.

karl: Right, the last one

karl: I can't do it, he's making me laugh.

steve: Oh come on, I'll come and read 'em then.

ricky and karl: No No no no

steve: Come on, Karl, they don't do this on Blockbusters on TV. Do they?

ricky: No, go on.

karl: Alright that bloke who does-

karl: -sport on telly-

karl: -he's got a little kid, right? Uh- initials DC.

ricky: What? Is that the clue?

steve: I'm confused by that.

ricky: Was that the clue?

karl: Yeah. That bloke who does sport on telly.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He's got a little kid. Initials DC.

ricky: Ok, is that a band?

karl: Um-

ricky: Or an artist?

karl: Uh it's, I'm not gonna tell ya.

ricky: It's a tease, a well known sandwich. Is it- what is it? Is it a band or an artist?

karl: Just quickly recap that's so so-

steve: Come on, Karl!

karl: Right.

ricky: Come on.

karl: Quick recap. First one is B, I don't think them birds should be around in this area. Right? That's B., alright? Second one, he doesn't like women yet he's got a few kids, it's a bit weird, that's PD. And the final one, that bloke who does sport on the telly, he's got a little kid, alright? DC.

steve: Alright, and it's [email protected] if you want to enter for uh- Hellraiser.

ricky: I'll tell you what to continue our theme of like, some old stuff people haven't heard of. If you're under 30 you probably never heard of this band. It's also a new thing I'm gonna introduce that- it's uh- it's um- show up Camfield. Camfield talks the talk, he doesn't walk the walk, he doesn't play some rock classics on his show because he's scared. I'm gonna play the tracks that Camfield's too scared to play. This is Kansas and "Carry on Your Wayward Son" alright?

ricky: Nirvana.

steve: Amazing

ricky: We were just talking, we were getting excited about that weren't we?

steve: Yeah what an incredible voice he has.

ricky: Brilliant, yeah and … it's brilliant. "You Know You're Right" a new one off of Nirvana. Well uh- it's time for uh- Educating Ricky part 2, isn't it? I'm excited, Karl. I'm gonna learn so much from this. What's the choices again?

karl: Uh- you've got left-

ricky: Still still keep phoning in your answers to uh-

steve: Email.

ricky: Email sorry, yeah. Uh…

steve: The answers to Rockbusters

ricky: Rockbusters.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Right, ok, Educating Ricky part 2.

karl: Um…

karl: Right, I'm Kermitted to This Treatment.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: …is one of them.

ricky: Oh I've gotta go for that one.

karl: Yeah?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Or the other one is The Police are Causing a Bit of a Stare.

steve: He still says it like it's the best thing he's ever come up with.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Which in a way, it is.

ricky: It could be. Right, go on then, I'm Kermitted to This Treatment.

karl: Right, d'ya know the saying…

steve: Is it just sayings now?

karl: Uh…

steve: Are they all sayings this week?

karl: No no no no they're not.

steve: Ok.

karl: Well the other one isn't. Uh- "Frog in your throat?"

steve: The saying, "There's a frog in your throat?"

karl: Yep.

ricky: I assume it's (coughs) when you (coughs) croak a little bit, you sound like a (coughs) frog.

karl: No no. Right, might seem a bit weird this one, right? But years ago…

steve: Oh yeah.

karl: Um…

ricky: Sorry wh- what is that clue? Committed to this treatment?

karl: It's about frogs, Kermitted.

ricky: Ker…

ricky: Probably works better with a 'K' and an 'E' all written down.

steve: Well also if you pronounced it Kermitted.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But not committed.

ricky: (laughing) Kermitted to This Treatment!

ricky: Right, go on then.

steve: That's genius.

karl: Right, uh- so yeah uh-

ricky: Well what!?

karl: You go- you go to the doctor's and you go, "Me throat's hurtin' a bit."

ricky: Right.

karl: And what they did ages ago-

ricky: Ages ago, what year was this approximately?

karl: We are going back quite a bit with this one.

ricky: Oh ok, go on.

karl: Um- and the doctor would say-

ricky: He got an E in history, imagine years ago. Go on.

karl: Um- and the doctor would say, "Right, keep your- keep your mouth open." And he'd just look at your tonsils and the jaw would ache a bit cos- cos they weren't as quick back then cos they didn't have the technology and stuff-

steve: Sure.

karl: -and they'd have to like stare at it and study it and stuff. And like, they'd get an achy jaw, right?

steve: Keeping their mouth open.

karl: Yeah, like you get… when you eat a Mars bar.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So um- they- they sat there and they used to always close the mouth and they- it used to annoy the doctor.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Alright? So what they did, they used to get a toad.

steve: Right.

karl: And put it in the mouth.

ricky: Rubbish.

steve: (laughing) Ok, keep-

ricky: Rubbish.

steve: Keep talking. Keep talking.

karl: And um- that way they couldn't close their mouths because either they'd squash it-

steve: Right.

karl: Or apparently you're not allowed to uh- lick a toad's back.

ricky: So the doctor would have 'em for breaking the law?

karl: No no no no no no, it's poisonous, right, a toad's back. You should never lick a toad's back.

ricky: Or or or put it in your mouth, really.

steve: Whoa whoa whoa just just just

ricky: Put it in.

steve: Just stop for a second.

ricky: Wait wait wait wh- what-

steve: Can I just ask one question?

ricky: Go on, yeah go on.

steve: Let me just ask one question.

ricky: I've got a few. But go on.

steve: No I- I- sure. My initial thought is, it sounds like a brilliant bit of sort of medical uh- knowledge that, it's a great idea.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: My only thought is how does the doctor see past the toad-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -at your tonsils?

ricky: Yeah what's he looking at with the mouth open? Surely the toad is in the way.

steve: Is it not hopping around in the way?

karl: It- it didn't say.

ricky: Sorry, my question- my first question is was this on the internet?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah? Ok, Karl that is bollocks.

ricky: That is- I mean…

karl: Well, alright then, let's turn this round, where does the saying "You've got a frog in your throat" come from?

ricky: Probably cause you sound a bit croaky. Probably that.

ricky: Probably cause you sound a little bit like a frog when you've got a sore throat.

steve: Karl, did you not question it just for a moment when you read it? Just for a second didn't you think, "That seems an odd approach," firstly, why a frog of all the different species?

karl: Because it's poisonous. It's poisonous.

steve: No.

ricky: A toad, so it's a toad as well.

karl: Yeah well that, it works I'm Kermitted works.

karl: I was gonna change it to uh- Have you Heard the News Toad Day?

karl: But I went with- I went with that.

ricky: Karl! Oh God!

karl: Right? So think about it-

ricky: So that's rubbish. So that's rubbish. Next um- could I have um-

steve: Let's play a tune, let's come up with the next one.

ricky: God. Karl

steve: Can I just say, no, just play it just play it.

karl: Yeah?

ricky: Oh, Karl.

ricky: Kermitted.

steve: I have to thank my mate, Dave, who sent me an incredible 4 disc compilation, that was one of the tunes on there.

ricky: It is professional, it's amazing it's the effort.

steve: Oh it's incredible, he's gone to too much effort.

ricky: I know.

steve: Uh- Ben Kweller uh- it's a track called "In Other Words" from his album Sha Sha

ricky: Open wide.

ricky: Oh dear, that's interesting (muffled) "What do you see doctor?" "You've actually got a frog in your throat." (muffled) "How did it get there?" "I put it in there."

ricky: That's the most ludicrous story I've ever heard, Karl. Why didn't you think when you read these things?

karl: It had-

karl: I think there's always gotta be a bit of truth in all these. I mean that fella called up, din't he and said um- he said, "I'm not sure about the, you know, putting a frog in your throat, if you've got ton- you know, problems with your tonsils or whatever." But he said, "Years ago, um- if someone had toothache"

ricky: Yeah.

karl: "They'd get hold of a frog and strap it to the face."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Sure.

karl: So, maybe down the line, you know, maybe they did, maybe they-

steve: Hang on, Karl.

ricky: Caligula made what- his emperor- what a horse an emperor as well, but I mean, you know, it doesn't- go on.

steve: Um… Dick Anderson's been back in touch.

ricky: Excellent.

steve: Um- I think- so he's obviously-

ricky: Have we turned him round, have we? He loves it now.

steve: Well he's been tuning in and he says.

ricky: He loves it now.

steve: He says, "Ricky, thanks for a really forgettable 2 hours of radio. I think I'll spend the time next week counting my feet." That's from Richard Anderson. So uh- we've turned him round.

ricky: No, d'you know where the phrase "counting my feet" comes from? Well in the olden days, right and I'm talking ages ago, when you really loved something…

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You used to- as a sign of respect, like say, a radio show-

steve: Mm-hmm

ricky: You'd count your feet.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: And that's where that comes from.

steve: That's where it comes from.

ricky: Karl.

karl: Well, what about the uh- the frog thing-

ricky: The what?

karl: -with the poisonous back.

steve: It's rubbish.

ricky: That's true, no some toads have um- the secretions in the the the-

karl: Why why why why?

steve: But they didn't put it in people's mouths.

ricky: No so-

karl: Why?

ricky: Well I'll tell you why. When a badger or a heron tastes the toad it's horrible. Blach. The toad might die, but it- it's for the good of the species because then, think how many toads looking like that heron could eat in its lifetime. So, the fact that one toad sacrificed itself, all those other toads in that heron's manner would be safe.

karl: But why why, I mean, you know, we've talked about animals a lot on the show, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And when God made a toad.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Right, ok well I'm gonna stop you there. I'm gonna stop you there straightaway.

steve: No, don't just let him carry on.

karl: Right.

ricky: Ok.

karl: Like there's annoying things out there, you know, jellyfish is a big problem with me. I don't understand why- what they do in the sea and stuff.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Right.

karl: Right, but we'll leave them. Got-

ricky: Not a problem for me but go on.

karl: We won't- we won't talk about jellyfish.

ricky: No.

karl: With the toad, right, um- if it's to protect itself…

ricky: Yeah.

karl: … right, now say-

ricky: It's not to protect itself it's to protect its species.

karl: No no no, yeah but that- surely, right, if- if the toad had a choice. If God said, "Right, what I'm gonna do for ya here um- you could have something like a lobster's got claws, big claws to have a fight. Or I can give you something that if someone's having a go at you, you've gotta try and persuade 'em to lick your back…"

karl: "…as a defense."

steve: Yeah.

karl: What use is, like-

steve: Oh God's.

ricky: Well I'll tell you why.

steve: What is God up to?

ricky: The fact that there are still toads around is a testament to that defense working, that's all I'm gonna say. Ok? If the toad had died out, you'd have a point. But they're still around. It works. Alright?

steve: Don't start slagging God off. He's got a lot on his plate. He- I mean he basically, I think he took on too much.

ricky: Particularly in one week.

steve: Exactly. It was crazy.

ricky: "Danger High Voltage" Electric Six. Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant. Karl's getting all flustered cause I've put an elastic band around his head and we've had a definition of-

steve: Well hang on a sec-

ricky: -"Frog in the throat"

steve: -Cause there's an update to that, Rick.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Um… we did just have uh… one uh- definition here of a "frog in the throat." Apparently this has come from some uh- internet site so who knows uh- how convincing it is but it says, "Frog in the throat, meaning suffering from temporary hoarseness, needing to clear the throat. Origin: from the old English 'frogger' meaning hoarseness." That's from Chris. Now that sounds slightly suspect to me.

ricky: Why?

steve: But uh… well- frogger? I mean is it- it seems odd that it would derive from that when it so clearly appears to be uh- you sound like a frog when you- when you have a sore throat.

ricky: Yeah but- but the word 'frog' could come from 'frogger' cause it sounds a lot like it's croaking.

steve: I didn't- wasn't Frogger a game you could play on the-

karl: Yeah.

steve: On the spectrum.

karl: Yeah that's pretty good.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But listen, hang on, there's an update to that because uh- just-

ricky: The common frog, of course, rana temporaria that's the Latin name.

steve: Well you- you-

ricky: Toad is bufo bufo. Alright?

steve: I know you're trying to show off but I think you're about to embarrass yourself as well.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Because you've been slagging off young Karl.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It says here in another email, it doesn't tell us who it's from. "Although it's hard to believe now, at one time medieval physicians believed that the secretions of a frog could cure a cough if they were coated on the throat of the patient."

karl: Yeah.

steve: "…That in itself sounds repulsive but what makes the idea even worse is the application of the secretions. Instead of painting the treatment on, something which may also have seemed rational, a live frog was placed into the mouth of the sufferer where it remained until the physician decided that the treatment was complete."

ricky: Right.

steve: Uh- apparently Shakespeare's son-in-law- that's questionable, I don't know what that means. Anyways, "It's no wonder that today a froggy or croaky attempt at speech is said to be a frog in your throat." So, you can see that what’s happened there is Karl's misread or been slightly misinformed about a medieval practice.

steve: In a sense you're both winners, just for taking part.

steve: What's your final one, Karl?

karl: The final story is um- The Police are Causing a Bit of a Stare.

ricky: I can't wait.

karl: Um- so this fella uh- I think it's in England somewhere.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Don't know when it happened but uh-

ricky: Literally ages ago?

karl: Basic- well it's when, I think, it's when they were trying to crack down on like drunken people walking about in the street.

ricky: Alright.

karl: And they found this.

ricky: Saturday, it's Saturday.

karl: And uh- found this fella and uh- all the local people were saying, "Oh, look at him wandering around, he's- he's drunk." And what have ya. "That's not right, get the police in." He got arrested an' that. And they got him in the court and uh- the judge was there and he says uh- "So, ya know, what's all this? What's going on? What you doing wandering about when you've had a drink? You know the rules."

steve: Mm

karl: "You shouldn't be doing that, you had a glazed expression on your face." Uh- blah blah blah. "What d'ya have to say for yourself?" Uh- he only had a glass eye.

ricky: So did he have two glass eyes?

karl: No, he had one. But that was the- they were about to sort of lock him up.

steve: Was he a bit pissed up as well?

karl: Well he was- he was pretty livid.

steve: But was he also drunk? With a glass eye?

karl: No no, that's the weird thing. It wasn't even- he hadn't even had a drink.

ricky: So they just thought cause he had a weird stare.

karl: Because- because his eyes were all glazed.

ricky: Yeah. Wh- wh- where did you get this from? Why are you telling me this?

ricky: But why are you telling me this? I don't- I don't- I mean, thank you because it's, you know, killed a couple of minutes. But why is this educating me? What are you- what are you telling me?

karl: Because the- there's a bit of a thing there- a bit of a fable that: don't always judge a book by its cover.

karl: Yeah? So, the guy, he hadn't even had a drink. He probably just been shopping.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Walking down the street and everyone's like, getting involved. That, "What's he doing," "He shouldn't-"

steve: Hang on I don't understand it, he's walking down the street and happens to have a glass eye. He was doing nothing else to suggest he was drunk? You don't pick people up just cause their eye looks slightly off.

ricky: But even if that happened, why are you telling me? With no- with no particular detail.

steve: It's not enough information.

ricky: I know, yeah.

karl: No the- the- the- there's a bit of a lesson there, Educating Ricky, just, you know, just watch what you say, uh- don’t always jump to conclusions.

steve: I'm just-

ricky: The only education I can take from that is that if I ever do become a policeman, I shouldn't just arrest people because they look a bit drunk. I should just tap their eye with a pen. And go

ricky: Oh ok on you go.

karl: Well…

ricky: On ya go, yeah.

steve: Guys, can I just stop you there, I'm just gonna email Richard Anderson and tell him I agree.

karl: Right, listen we're running out of time. Um-

ricky: Oh. How- where did the phrase "Frog in your throat" come from?

karl: We've got- we've got-

steve: It's been- can we play a tune then come back with that? Have we got anything lined up?

karl: Uh…yeah we've got the Song with a Story in it.

ricky: Come on, Karl! Let's do summat, quick play a record.

karl: Song with a Story in it-

ricky: Never mind that. Just (claps) they're listening. This- we'll discuss this off air. Come on. Play a record.

karl: Right.

steve: Play it.

karl: It's a song with a good story in it. You gotta listen to the words.

ricky: Karl, what was that? That was your little Song with a Story.

karl: That was uh- that's another little feature that we do every Saturday.

karl: Uh- little song-

steve: So make sure you tune in.

karl: (laughing) It's a uh- it's a song that's got a good story in it. There's a lot of music about these days-

ricky: What's that story about then? What's that story about?

karl: -you don't know what they're going on about. Whereas that classic from The Kinks called "Lola."

ricky: Yeah, what's it about?

karl: Um… I'd listened to it for the first time properly this morning.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And what I've worked out from it is. It's a fella who goes out for a normal Saturday night out. He's in SoHo.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He's having a- some uh Coca-Cola or whatever and he uh-

ricky: Drinking cola, yeah.

karl: -and he sees- he sees this woman, he thinks, "Yeah, she's alright."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: "Wouldn't mind a bit of that." So he wanders over and he sorta gets to talking to her. It looks nice, got a great figure, nice face and all that.

ricky: Lovely knob.

karl: And uh… and she speaks and he goes, "Oh God! Got a bit of a bloke's voice."

steve: Frog in the throat, yeah.

karl: Little bit of a voice like a bloke. But he thought, "But, ya know, that's her only down point."

steve: Sure.

karl: So he dances around with her and I think it sits on his knee, I think he said.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Anyway it turns out it was a fella.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right.

karl: So…

ricky: Yeah.

steve: A sobering lesson.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um- what'd you take from that?

karl: Look always sort of- if you- if you think you might be talking to a-

steve: A bloke in drag.

karl: -just look at its- the sort of Adam's apple.

karl: And he'll probably have a hairier arse than a woman.

ricky: I think you've gone too far by then, though. I mean you've already- I think you've already (laughing) you're already getting too close.

steve: It's a bit late to pull out.

ricky: No pun intended, definitely.

steve: There was a pun intended.

ricky: Oh was it? Oh right, was it?

steve: Yes.

ricky: Oh right. Ok well don't be disgusting then

ricky: Right, ok right the- the uh- results of um- Rockbusters.

karl: We ain't got a winner for the first time.

ricky: Yes we have, we got loads.

steve: We got loads of winners.

karl: No we haven't. We've done this feature for three weeks, this is the first time I've um- I've managed to sort of-

steve: Well let's go through them then.

ricky: What have they got wrong?

karl: The first one.

ricky: The first one?

steve: Well hang on, let's just- let's do them in reverse order first. So what's the last one?

karl: The last one the clue was: that bloke does uh- does sport on the telly and he's got a little kid.

ricky: What's that?

karl: That's Destiny's Child. Des who does ITV Sport-

ricky: That's terrible.

karl: He's got a tiny child, right. No.

ricky: That's terrible.

karl: That's fine, they got that.

steve: Destiny's Child wh- what's the middle one?

ricky: (laughing) Des tiny's child. Des tiny's child

karl: The second one was uh- he doesn't like women, yet he's got a couple a kids so that's a bit weird.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? That was PD that was Puff Daddy.

ricky: That is offensive. Go on.

steve: It's not Poof Daddy. It's Puff Daddy. And he's not even called that anymore, he's called P Diddy.

karl: Well…

steve: Ok fair enough.

karl: But they got that one.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And um- and if sort of I'm being tight these lot are as well.

steve: Yep.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Um-

ricky: Tight means something in Manchester, go on.

karl: Right? And the first one that they're having problems with: I don't think them birds should be allowed in this area.

ricky: They've got it.

ricky and steve: Boyzone.

karl: It's not, it's not Boyzone.

ricky: It's- what's the clue again?

karl: I don't think them birds should be allowed in this area.

ricky: That is perfect. A boy zone. No birds.

steve: No women.

ricky: No women, yeah birds, right? A boy zone. Sorry, Karl if that isn't the answer their clue is better than yours. That is brilliant. What is yours? Boyzone, it works perfectly.

steve: What's your answer then?

karl: Bangles

steve: What?

ricky: I have no idea what that means.

karl: Like seagulls. So you- you don't want 'em in this area so you're bannin' 'em. Ban-gulls.

ricky: Oh, well give it to Boyzone cause Boyzone's better. No birds allowed in this area it's a boy zone.

steve: I think we should have a rollover. Karl beat them. Karl beat them, you have to use his logic.

ricky: But theirs works! You can't do "What am I thinking?" No, that's not what I'm thinking. It perfectly- it works perfectly, I think you gotta give it to the ones that got the Boyzone.

karl: Well how about, right, because they didn't actually get into my head that I'm thinking, right.

ricky: Well, heaven forbid.

karl: How about we just keep back the David Attenborough and they can have- I'll chuck in the Hellraiser. Right?

ricky: Ok.

karl: And uh- Blondie album and the Madness one.

ricky: Yeah ok pick a winner at random, Steve.

karl: Pick a winner, Steve.

steve: Um- I'm gonna give it to Paul Sloman who got those answers and he also says, "P.S. Karl, you're a moron."

steve: So uh-

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: -giving that to Paul and uh-

karl: Right well…

steve: He's got a crazy night tonight. If we can rush these over to him he's got a cracking Saturday night.

ricky: Yes.

karl: Well if I'm a moron I might get your address wrong when I send 'em to ya.

ricky and steve: Oooooooooo!

steve: Coming right back at ya, Paul!

ricky: Karl!

karl: D'ya want- play your song.

ricky: Oh Karl's annoyed! Cause they didn't get the Ban-gulls.

steve: A song from uh- a song for the ladies. I think we seem to have missed this a lot of weeks.

ricky: Sure.

steve: But this week's one is-

ricky: That's not like us to for- forget things

steve: This is a band Frente who kind of came and went-

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: -and no one was particularly interested but they did do this lovely acoustic version of the New Order tune "Bizarre Love Triangle."

ricky: Alright.

steve: This just shows you how incredible the melodies and the words and everything are-

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: -of New Order. Just play this, Karl.

ricky: Good night.

karl: D'ya reckon Richard Anderson will be back next week?

ricky: Yeah, Richard Anderson will not miss this show.

karl: Excellent.

XFM Vault hosted by the Internet Archive