XFM Vault - S02E18 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: (Audio Starts Mid-Sentence)... dissin' all his- mum and everyone.

steve: (Laughing) Yeah--

ricky: At Christmas.

steve: A little cussing in there which they've bleeped out, thankfully.

ricky: Yeah. Karl's in a bad mood already. He's been in about 3 minutes and he's in a bad mood, gettin' stressed. If you can't hack it, leave! What's the matter with ya?

karl: No. I'm just sayin' - it's been.... I was meant to enjoy last Saturday off and I didn't.

ricky: Why not?! Why's that our fault cuz you weren't here?

karl: Just cuz... I don't know but--

steve: Are you not in the Christmas Spirit?

ricky: Why didn't you enjoy last Saturday?

steve: What- what did you do? Did y--

karl: I went- right, I went all the way back- up north again, right, because, uhh, it was Suzanne's dad's birthday, right? I was busy last week, didn't have time to get him a present or anything.

steve: (Scoffing Tone) Didn't have time to get him a present.

karl: So I got to Heuston Station... bought a card for him, which was a Christmas card so he wasn't happy because he was saying, "It's me birthday", and I said, "Well, I won't be seeing you again so... I've got a joint card". And then we went out--

ricky: Didn't you get him a present?

karl: Well, no, because we went out on Saturday night for something to eat at this pub that he likes cuz it has nice steak and onion rings, right--

ricky: Oooh lovely. Classey.

karl: So, he should be happy anyway.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But--

steve: What, you paid for it?

karl: No, no.

steve: But he should've been happy anyway.

karl: Suzanne paid for that because it is her dad.

steve: Huh huh.

karl: Right, not mine. So, I said, "What- what- what can I do?", I said to her. So, she said, "Just buy a few drinks or something". Anyway, I didn't get around to gettin' drinks because I didn't s--

ricky: Can't believe it. Can't believe it.

steve: "Didn't get a-"?! How can you not get around to gettin' the drinks?!

ricky: Right.

karl: No. Right, so I said, "Right, I'll pay for the cab"! Right.

ricky: Ooh, what a lovely Christmas gift that is!

steve: Yeah two pound-fifty.

karl: So I paid- no--

ricky: In Manchester it is.

karl: It was like three quid there and three quid back.

ricky: Oooh.

steve: So six quid you spent on him.

karl: Well, no, I spent more- see that's what he said, he said, "All--

ricky: You can get to Bolton and back on that.

karl: He said- he said, "All you've spent on me is six quid for my birthday", I said, "No I haven't cuz I gave the taxi driver a tip--

ricky: I'm a little bit worried about his attitude as well! Cuz he--

ricky: I mean, that is a stingy present but you don't go- you don't say--

steve: I mean, that's- I mean, let's be honest, that's the worst Christmas gift ever because, I mean, you're pretty bad like we've discussed in the past but at least you spent a bit of money.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: It's just thoughtless.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: This is nothing!

ricky: I know.

steve: You haven't given him any time, I mean I would--

ricky: And- and I kne- and I knew my- my demographic. They loved it, my family.

steve: Oh, yeah you- those scratch cards.

ricky: They couldn't believe their luck, you know.

karl: Well... a tenner.

steve: You spent a tenner on him?

karl: Well, the cab fare was six quid--

ricky: But- but the thing is he doesn't- it's not- I don't think he's saying that. I think it's the fact that this is, like, you know, fritterin' away on their life--

steve: Well it's kind of thoughtless isn't it?

ricky: I'm sure he would have been appreciative of a lovely ten pound gift that you cared about and bought- a book- he probably likes "Fly Fishing" - doesn't he - by J.R. Hartley.

karl: Ah, yeah...

ricky: If you'd of bought that, he'd probably of gone, "That's what I was looking for."

karl: Well...

ricky: (Cartoonish Manchester Accent) "Aw ayy, what I w' looking for, Karl. AYYY, bloody hell Karl, you little bald twat, that's just what I wanted".

ricky: Sooo... All right? So just calm down.

steve: I just think- so what have you got planned for, eh- for Christmas? Is this what- I mean have you- have you speant- are you- are you doing the same price range--

ricky: (Cartoonish Manchester Accent) "OOOh, Karl, you've paid me milk bill for this week!"

karl: Well...That's it.

ricky: (Cartoonish Manchester Accent) "That will reap nice!"

karl: I'm spent this year. That's it.

steve: So, have you planned anything for Suzanne or are you just gonna--

karl: Yeah, I'm taking her out Christmas Day for something to eat.

steve: All right.

ricky: Well don't... does she know that? Is that--

karl: She's working today so she d- she, you know...

ricky: Right, okay.

steve: So what Christmas gift have you got her?

karl: That's it - I'm taking her out.

steve: What, you haven't got- you haven't got a present?

karl: No, because we speant a lot this year--

ricky: Don't forget that's half yours, though. You're gonna be eating- you're not going to be- you're not just going to be sittin' there watching her eat going, "Oh, I'm hungry but I speant all-", you're gonna be eatin' as well. That's half yours.

steve: So you've got- she's got nothing to unwrap?!

ricky: Look at his face! He's looking at me like a cat who's been hit.

steve: But wait a minute. She's got nothing to unwrap?! There's nothing- she's gonna hand something over to you- cuz I've met the woman, she will- she'll hand something over, you'll open it, you'll love it.

karl: All right, I might get something today!

steve: Well it shouldn't take me to begrudgingly persuade you to do it.

ricky: Ohhh God.

karl: Yeh.

ricky: Right...

karl: Right, so--

steve: (Lampooning Karl's Response) AAH.

ricky: YEAH, yeah, yeah, well we're gonna- I'm gonna try and stick in some, uh, Christmas songs. We're not playing all Christmas songs but I brought in a couple - "So This Is Christmas", John Lennon, uhh--

steve: Yeah, one or two of the hits, yeah.

ricky: "The River", Joni Mitchell, "Fairytale of New York" - one of the best Christmas songs ever. Ah, well, what about a bit of Pretenders, that's a good one, "2000 Miles".

steve: Let's hear it.

ricky: Pretenders - "2000 Miles" on XFM 104.9, this sort of Christmas edition. We're not here next week, are we?

steve: No.

ricky: Karl is, aren't ya?

karl: Well, you are, in a way.

ricky: Ah, we're doing a "Best Of", innit?

steve: Is it a "Best Of"?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Brilliant. Have you been putting it together?

karl: Not yet.

steve: Okay.

karl: I'll do it- I'll do it today. Tell me what bits you want in it and I'll sort it out.

ricky: It's not for me to say, is it?

steve: All the best stuff.

ricky: Yeah, do the best stuff.

steve: Well, maybe people can email in with their, uhh- their highlights of the year for them. I'm trying to think what they were, I mean, mostly Karl--

ricky: It'll be mostly Karl won't it?

steve: Mostly Karl. Gibberish from Karl.

ricky: It'll be- I think it'll be an awful lot of "Educating Ricky" from Karl.

steve: Mm. Mm. Well, [email protected] if you've got any thoughts on, uhh, stuff you'd like to hear again. I--

ricky: It's only, eh- eh- anything you'd like to hear of Karl saying something stupid and me and Steve laughing or slappin' him.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's basically the competition, isn't it and--

steve: Yeah. Or there's a couple of instances where I tried to kiss him, I think, and you encouraged me.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Those are, uhh, some highlights for me.

karl: I just, uhh--

ricky: I wish I had a video of that.

steve: Yeah, so do I.

karl: You mentioned "Educating Ricky". Ehh, we've only got- do you know how we normally have, like, three installments?

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We've only got two today.

steve: Why? What happened?

ricky: Why?

karl: Just, uhhm...

steve: Well, you clearly weren't busy Christmas shopping, so what were you- what's the--

ricky: (Laughs Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

karl: (Exhales) Well, we- like I say, every week it's a bit of a struggle finding stuff that I can teach ya. But- but at the same time, what we have got - we started the feature, I teased MTV with it, right? So I thought I best start doing it before they get someone like Zane Lowe presenting it, or something.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, "Do We Need 'Em?"

steve: "Do We Need 'Em?"

karl: Yep.

steve: You should explain "Do We Need 'Em?" for those that- that don't like the show.

karl: Well, it's, uhhhh- it's sort of education--

steve: Right.

karl: About animals and stuff and if we need 'em. So, like, David Attenborough once said, uhh, "You can get rid of people off the earth and it world would carry on, there's no problems. But" - you know - "get rid of a monkey and..."

karl: "You could have problems on your hands". So--

steve: (Laughing) Is that a direct quote from Attenborough's current autobiography?

karl: It was something like that.

ricky: I think so, yeah.

karl: So, what I've done today--

ricky: Yeah. He always starts off- he goes- with "Uhh, right, so then...".

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So--

steve: And he always ends things, "...you've got yourself all k- all sorts of problems".

ricky: Yeah, yeah. (Manchester Accent) So that's that. That's done. That's- that's comin' up. Enjoy that. Enjoy that.

karl: So, I've spoke to a woman about, uhhm, jellyfish.

steve: Oh yeah. Cuz I know you're not a fan.

karl: Not a fan of them. So, we'll be speaking to her--

ricky: Women or jellyfish?

karl: It- this is a woman... talkin' about jellyfish.

steve: Either.

karl: So we'll be sortin' that out before three o'clock, we'll be finding out if we need 'em.

steve: Rick... (Laughing) Putting that one to bed.

ricky: (Laughing) He's great isn't he? He's great.

karl: And then we've got, uhh, Christmas edition of "Rockbusters" which--

ricky: Oooh!

karl: I found out yesterday--

ricky: Go on.

karl: Channel 4 have ripped it off.

steve: Go on!

karl: It's on their, uhh, "Tele Text" thing.

steve: That's outrageous!

karl: Yeah, on their "Tele Text" page, someone said.

ricky: What are they doing, then?

karl: Like, "Rockbusters". They're copying the format.

ricky: You're sure they're not copying "Blockbusters"?

karl: No. No. It's- it's, uhh, someone said it's a cryptic clue of a band and that and initials and you work it out.

steve: That is despicable, I mean we should investigate this.

ricky: Right. So they've- they've fundamentally ripped off the idea of being allowed- allowed to do a cryptic clue to guess a band.

karl: Yeah, but they- they're, sort of, clever cryptic clues.

steve: They didn't steal--

ricky: Oh sorry. They- they certainly haven't ripped you off then, have they?

karl: Well... I'm just saying.

steve: Hey, I should just point out, cuz it's Christmastime, we've had an email from Dicky Anderson! Rrray!

ricky: Awww, Dickers!

steve: Uhh, yeah, R.A. is, uhh- well he's- he's- he's- I suppose he's a longtime listener...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Ummm, and he emails us most, uh- most weeks. Ehh, (Reading) "Ricky, if, as I suspect, I'm your only listener, I wouldn't bother with your show today as I've got to attend some family Christmas nonsense at Auntie Marian's house."

steve: That's from Dicky Anderson and, uhh, he's- he's good because considering he hates the show and, uhh, everything we stand for, he does- he does take the time to email every week.

ricky: That counts. That counts to advertisers.

steve: Yep.

ricky: I think we got a lot like him.

steve: Mm! Mm.

ricky: We've also a lovely Christmas card here, from Alexandra, right, who's, uhh, wish us a l- she loves the show, she loves you, Karl, and she's enclosed some biscicks- biscuits for ya to save you a bit of money cuz she knows you go out and get your- your own biscuits so she's bought some- a packet of Fox's Creations.

steve: Well why don't you wrap them up and you can give them to your girlfriend.

steve: "Donna and Blitzen" from the "About a Boy" soundtrack by Badly Drawn Boy--

ricky: Christmas theme there. Christmas theme there.

steve: You spotted the Christmas theme.

ricky: Yeah. Karl's not really in a festive mood but, uhh--

steve: I can't imagine Christmas is your time of year, is it Karl? Well, I'm not sure any time is, really.

karl: I liked it when I was about.... I think when I was about seven, I enjoyed it.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Was that the one? Was that the year- the big year for you?

karl: You- you get loads of stuff, you don't have to worry about anyone else. But once you've, like, got a job--

ricky: What'd you get when you were- when- when were you doing your paper round? How old were you then?

karl: I was about, uhh, thirteen, fourteen.

ricky: Well, that was when you were a man, weren't you?

karl: I had to- yeah, I had to buy stuff.

ricky: Oooh.

karl: But you're still not havein' a good time.

steve: You're quite a selfish man, aren't you? I didn't realize this.

karl: No, no, it's just that Christmas--

ricky: And that's coming from him, Karl.

karl: Me dad always said Christmas--

ricky: All right, steady on.

karl: Me dad said Christmas morning was for, like, you know- for me. So he used to stay in bed.

steve: Mmm.

karl: So he- he never--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) That's brilliant. That's a great thing to say, innit? Yeah, yeah, "Christmas morning's for you."

ricky: "Run wild! Do what you want, just don't bother me!"

steve: Yeah, "So I'm going to Honolulu for two weeks."

ricky: (Laughing) That's great! "Dad it's Christmas", "Do I have to do anything?", "No."

karl: So my mam used to get up cuz she used to like to see me face light up, you know, when I o- when I opened my presents. And then, uhh--

ricky: (Laughing) They used to give him fireworks.

karl: And then, uhh--

karl: Then I'd have to go to me bedroom from about six o'clock onwards, cuz, like, me mam and dad were into having big Christmas parties and I wasn't, like, old enough to go.

ricky: Right.

karl: So they'd say, "Right,"- you know - " you've had your fun now you go up to your bedroom. Stay in there."

steve: Really?!

karl: Yeah, I remember one year, right, I got- got a train set, that's what I wanted--

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right? Brilliant. Uhh--

karl: Playing with it all day and I thought, "I don't mind about the party, I'm happy staying up here, playing with this"... Brother comes in, he's had a few, right, he's goin', "Yeah, give us a go on your train--"

ricky: How old is he?

karl: He- he's a bit older than me so he- he might of been, like.... uhh, let's see....

ricky: Well let- let him be eighteen.

karl: Yeah, probably about eighteen, nineteen, something like that.

ricky: And how old were you?

karl: I was- well, I had a train set so- I don't know about--

steve: Fourteen.

karl: Something like that.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right. So, uhh- so I'm playing on that, lovin' it and stuff and then he comes in and goes, "Aw, give us a go". He turns the transformer up to, like, fourteen. He went really fast for about five seconds.... Broke it. And then he went back downstairs.

steve: Wow.

karl: So Christmas- I haven't even gotten to Christmas Day--

steve: Sounds like the, uh, Conservative government with, uh, British Rail.

ricky: Satire, that is.

steve: That's satire. Rick, I just saw that- said- satire. If there's any satirical shows listening or--

ricky: It doesn't work in any way because there's- there's- the analogy falls down--

steve: No--

ricky: Apart from there being a train.

steve: Think it through though: British Rail was trains--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And the goverment broke the trains in many- well they didn't break them- like not officially breaking them but they kind of--

ricky: No, it does work, it's perfect.

steve: (Laughs) I'm pretty pleased with that!

ricky: And I can't- and- no one's asked him to be on "Have I Got News For You".

steve: (Laughing Slightly) It's weird, isn't it?

ricky: Is it--

steve: It is strange, that.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

steve: When you've got a satirical mind that- that's as quick as that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: All right?

ricky: And he burnt your little train set. So what did you do?

karl: I just, like, watched telly and had some sausages.

ricky: I bet you were happy with that though, weren't you?

karl: Naaaah. It's a bit annoying, though, innit - when your main present of the year's been broke.

ricky: Did- did ya ever get it fixed?

karl: No, that was it. That was it. Put away--

steve: I'm intrigued why your parents wouldn't let you come and join in the festive fun. Was it, like, really debauched down there? Was it like eggnog everywhere and--

karl: Naaah, there's just a lot of--

ricky: No, but I mean, that's fair enough. Six is a little bit early but I just think, you know, if you're a kid and you had- he had his fun, put him to bed- put him to bed at eight maybe and he won't--

steve: You think so? On Christmas Day? I thought that was a day for family.

ricky: Well, not if there's a party goin' on.

karl: And uhh--

steve: Well don't have the party on Christmas Day, is my point.

ricky: That's- that's another option.

steve: Yeah. Your parents are weird, aren't they? They're a strange breed.

karl: Well, I think that was the year, right, I, uhh--

karl: You talk about buying presents and stuff - I think I did treat me mam to- I didn't buy me dad anything, I think that was, like, when I got a little bit older I used to get me dad something cuz he wasn't that bothered anyway--

steve: No.

ricky: Uhh.

karl: So, uhh, got me mam, uhh- there was a cheap shop, right--

steve: 'Course.

karl: Uhh--

ricky: Thank God for that.

karl: Called "Snips", right--

karl: So I went in there and I thought, "Let's see what I can get her", and remember, uhh, Victoria Plum?

steve: I don't think so.

karl: Well it's like a fairy character.

steve: Right.

karl: Right. And me mam's into gnomes and stuff, right, so--

karl: I thought, "Right--"

steve: She'd be pleased with you, then.

ricky: (Laughing) AHH, "Victoria Plum". I was thinking, "Is that one of the neighbors? Is it- is it like a brandy liquor?"

steve: Yeah. "Remember Victoria Plum".

ricky: Victoria Plum.

karl: Victoria Plum, yeah. It's like a little fictional sort of character, right.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Okay.

karl: So, uhh- so I saw it, I thought, "Yeah, she'll love that", right? So, I did me paper round, saved up for two weeks, right?

ricky: Awww.

karl: Got that sorted, went to Snips, bought the, uhh, Victoria Plum. Next day, I'm in- I'm in town with her, right. So I think, "Ahh, I know what I'll do!", I said, "Come- come in here a minute", right. S- uhh, so we go in and we're looking around and I tested her, right. I went, "Look at that, there, that's all right, innit?" and she goes, "Oh, it's bloody awful."

ricky: Oh Karl!

ricky: Oh Karl! I just- I- I- oh God!

karl: So then, Christmas Day comes and I said--

ricky: Oh.

karl: "Don't bother openin' it", she said, "No, no, why?"

ricky: OH NOO! Why did you still give it to her?!

karl: So- well it's too late, I'd already bought it!

ricky: Oh Karl!

karl: So she opened it and I was like, (Exhales) and she said, "Oh, that's nice", I said, "Why you sayin' that?", I said, "The other day you said it's bloody awful". She said, "No, no, I thought you were pointing at something else."

ricky: Awwwwwww noo!

karl: So that's why I don't get anyone anything anymore.

ricky: (Laughing and Clapping) OH GOD! Play a record.

ricky: Oh God! Ohhh!

ricky: That was good, innit?

steve: Not bad.

ricky: Goldrush, "Let You Down". I'm- I'm s- actually quite affected by Karl's Victoria Plum scenario. Just the fact that, that- that eagerness- he- he wants to make sure it's a great present, he saved up- his paper round- he thinks, "It's like a gnome, but modern".

steve: I'm worried that you're using it as an excuse, now, and that's why you're not buying anyone any gifts. Cuz you've had your fingers burnt once. I mean, you were six, seven years old, to be fair.

ricky: No you weren't. You were about thirteen, weren't ya - cuz you were doing your paper round?

karl: Yeah--

steve: Oh, right.

karl: I must of been- I must of been- yeah, eleven or twelve then.

ricky: Oh right.

karl: Yeah. So, I'd saved up... I'm not- I'm not usin' it as a thing, it's just that--

steve: What'd you get your mom this year?

karl: Ehhm, I've sent 'em some money so they can, uhh, get a passport.

steve: (Laughing) So they can get a passport? What, are they illegal immigrants?

ricky: (Laughing) Where are they? Are they trapped somewhere?

karl: No, because they need em'!

ricky: Are they- the- are they in a holding bay somewhere in Dover?!

steve: Yeah- yeah they got a friend who's a truck driver--

steve: Who's gonna sneak 'em across. For- for New Year's--

ricky: What do you mean?!

steve: So they can buy a passport?! What do they do, sell it when they were in the- when they were down in the rough?!

karl: No, they- they haven't got that much money, right. They've never been abroad and their mate said they might, uhh, take 'em this year and they said, "Ooh, we haven't got a passport", so I thought--

steve: You haven't got to buy a passport, have you?

karl: 'Course you got--

steve: Isn't that your God-given right as an Englishman?

karl: No, you've got to pay for them, they're thirty quid each so you better had do otherwise they're connin' me.

ricky: You say that like you're born with a passport. Of course you don't.

steve: Right, so you sent them sixty quid in an envelope, have you?

karl: Well... check.

steve: Right.

ricky: I love that he- he- he- he'll, uhh, he'll be watchin' telly and France will come on and he'll go, "(Inhales) Oooh, what do you think of that?", she goes, "It looks bloody awful!"

ricky: He'll go, "Aww!--"

steve: "Aww nooo!"

ricky: "Don't open it. Don't open it. Don't open it. Awww."

steve: (Laughing) Yeah! So you've not- you've not paid for a holiday for them, you- you've- you've spent--

karl: Nah, I've just sorted out the- well, it's- it's the better prize, innit, cuz they can't go anywhere without it.

steve: Well, the passport keeps on givin', is the perception.

ricky: Ten years. Ten years, that- that is. Yeah.

karl: So... but no, I never used to, I mean, I can't think of other things. I used to get me dad once- once I started getting him stuff it use- sort of, used to be, uhh, dressing gown--

steve: Yeah.

karl: And then- but as a extra surprise I used to put, like, a cigar in the pocket so he'd think that was it--

steve: Yeah.

karl: And he'd put it on and put his hand in pocket--

steve: Right.

karl: "Karl, what's this?"

steve: And then he'd hit you because he thought you'd nicked it.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

karl: So...

ricky: Aww dear.

steve: So you bought him a jacket with the cigar, that's quite thoughtful.

ricky: Didn't you sneak a cigar once on Christmas?

karl: Yeah, well it was when- that was when they used to have, like, the big "do"s, like I say, you know they were- they were known for it. Like, the whole estate used to know that, you know, we were having a party.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, uhh--

ricky: To your house.

steve: So they'd all come 'round.

karl: So they'd all come 'round--

steve: Yeah.

karl: And scaff food and drink--

steve: Yeah.

karl: And that and, uhh--

ricky: I can not imagine- I can not imagine how unpleasant that must of been.

steve: Awful. Awful.

ricky: And you locked in your bedroom with a broken train set.

steve: Yeah. Cryin'.

ricky: And- and looking at Victoria Plum--

ricky: Whatever that was.

steve: In the bin.

ricky: Aww, in the bin, yeah! And you hear your mum sayin', "And he got me this. Isn't this shit!"

steve: "Got me this. Piece of rubbish!"

ricky: He could hear 'em just throwin' it against the wall and laughing!

steve: Yeah, and all- and all the neighbors laughing!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And you'd come down, it'd just be in pieces with loads of spit on it.

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: Just loads of gob on it.

steve: Just scratched down the eyes.

ricky: And all the polaroids of them just, like, laughing at him--

steve: Yeah, and pointing.

ricky: Stamping on it.

steve: Yeah.

karl: All right!

steve: You've brought it all flooding back.

karl: I, uhh... But no, I used to get up in the morning and then, like- they'd still- still, sort of, all be there asleep on the floor and on the sofa--

ricky: Awwww!

steve: Aww, that's awful!

ricky: Karl!

steve: (Laughing Slightly) That's terrible! Christmas is surely the one day a year which is a family thing, it's for the kids, they're the ones that are--

karl: No, no, that was Boxing Day.

steve: Well I know but--

ricky: Ah, that's all right then. (Laughs) He sort of goes, "It's over."

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: "Back on the bike." "All right." "Who's gonna pay for this?" "Me?!" "Yes, Karl--"

ricky: "You're doing two rounds today!"

steve: Yeah, was your paper round supporting the entire family?

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

karl: No, so- so I used to get up and, like, go downstairs and they'd be asleep so I'd be mooching about, trying to find, like, another present that's still working, right.

karl: So, uhh, yeah--

ricky: (Laughing) I love the idea that these people from the estate had, like, squashed his presents.

karl: So, uhh- yeah, so I found a cigar that had been, sort of, lit up and then put out so I thought, "Aw, I'll have a go at that."

steve: Yeah.

karl: I went outside and had a go and that's the last time I smoked.

steve: Right.

karl: Sort of, I tried it, I thought, "I don't like that"--

ricky: I like the fact that he does everything once.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: And his life (Giggles) is a line of "I've done everything once, I don't need to do it again." Aww, dear.

steve: You know, I've said in the past to you, Rick, that my grandparents, though I love them dearly- but it's like for the last thirty years they've been waiting to die.

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: It's like they just, sort of- it's like, you know, the novelty wore off, of life.

ricky: (Laughing) Life in the fifties.

steve: And they just got kind of bored of it. Like, yeah, the forties it was brilliant - all sat around the old joanna, the bombs fell, singin', they loved that. The fifties, you know, that was great as well cuz that was the post-war years, it was, you know, a bit tight in the pocket but, it was all right, everyone pulled together. Then the sixties came along, all the crazy music, the funny hair--

ricky: Let's- let's stay in bed!

steve: They- they- exactly, they've basically stayed in bed and, uhh, it was one Christmas when, um, my grandmother said to my dad, uh, "What would you like for Christmas? What do you fancy for Christmas?", and, uhh, this must of been... I don't know, twenty years ago. She said, uhh, "What do you, uhh- what do you fancy for Christmas, Ron?" and he went, "Well, you know, I could do with a nice, big, kind of warm winter overcoat", she said, (Whispering) "Don't worry about that.", she said, (Whispering) "Don't worry about that cuz your father will be dead soon, it's all right, you can have his." - meaning my grandad. My- I'll be honest with you, my father's still waiting.

steve: Which is good news. Good news for my grandfather, less good news for my dad--

ricky and steve: He's freezin'.

steve: Frankly.

ricky: He phones up, "How is he today?", "He's fine.", he goes, "Okay. Aw, I'm freezin'."

steve: It is ver- it's such a weird mindset, that. I think it's- that, to me, is what sums up people from that older generation - the forties and fifties. And it seems to me that you've got that kind of mindset. It's like you were born in the thirties and whenever you talk of your childhood, it's like you had, like, a baked potato to take to school.

ricky: I th- well I th- no, but I th--

steve: And got a hoop with a stick as a Christmas gift.

ricky: The other thing is: I think that it- it- it- that sort of generation it- it seems that the man is dependent on the woman.

steve: Mm!

ricky: There's a total dependence.

steve: Oh, absolutely, yeah.

ricky: If- if she dies, he's done.

steve: Yes.

ricky: He's done for. He- he'll just pine away. If he dies, she's got thirty year of pottering.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? Goin' to, like, I don't know, the youth club and the church--

steve: I know what you mean, yeah.

ricky: It- it's sort of like the- it's- it's sad- it's sad- of course it's sad for them, but it's s- not the end of their life.

steve: No, sure.

ricky: And it sort of is, the other way 'round. I don't know why that is.

steve: I know what you mean. Yeah.

ricky: It's terrible.

steve: That's a little melancholy thought for, uhh, Christmastime.

ricky: I know, I've really brought it- you've brought it down, you've brought it down. I've wa- this isn't a nice show at all. This is terrible.

karl: Well, I didn't really want to make it--

ricky: We're gonna have people just killing themselves.

karl: Uhh, well...

ricky: What?

karl: Well, I didn't want really want to make it a Christmas-ey type show because I don't really like it.

steve: Not interested.

ricky: Oh, he's done it again! Well, he did Christmas once, didn't like it!

karl: No, it's just--

ricky: Play a record!

karl: I'm not- I'm not religous or anything.

ricky: You're- what are you?! You're not anything.

steve: Teenage Fanclub from the XFM Christmas Album and that's "Christmas Eve".

ricky: Their guitar sounds are just brilliant. They're just always so nice. All right, Karl, did ya like that? Did you like Teenage Fanclub?

karl: Yeah, yeah. They're good. They're all right.

steve: Karl, I feel like you've never, kind of, enjoyed the wonder of Christmas. I don't think- I can't ever get the sense- maybe except when you were very, very young- you know, that kind of bright-eyed, you know, thinking of Santa, you know, kind of, uhh, landing on the roof and coming down the chimney and drinking the- the sherry or whatever--

karl: It was- I like- I like the idea of it, right--

steve: Sure.

karl: The- the, sort of, you know, uhh- I used to like- I used to get a couple of annuals every year, you know what I mean--

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, so did I, yeah.

karl: And I was allowed to open one on Christmas Eve.

steve: Aww that's brilliant.

karl: Uhhmm--

ricky: Just, yeah--

steve: (Laughing) So they could throw it on the fire!

karl: No, I think- I think the, uhh--

ricky: He needed something to light his--

steve: "Have a quick skim through, do the word search. Right."

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. "I need something to light my cigar off the cooker." Awww.

steve: Well anyway, listen, a good friend of ours, Ross Noble the comedian, brilliant, he gave me this picture, Karl, which he's got from a magazine.

ricky: He loves you, he thinks you--

steve: And I have to say, I think this- (Laughs Slightly) I just looked at it then.

ricky: (Giggling) What--

steve: Obviously it's not going to mean much to the listener--

ricky: Aww, this is self-indulgent but I am--

steve: But it is currenty available, I think it's in the current edition of "Bizarre Magazine" so, um, you might want to buy that and you can--

ricky: It's not horrible, is it?

steve: It- it- there's a certain- there's a certain grotesqueness about it.

ricky: Awww.

steve: But I just think, I--

ricky: It's a deformed person, isn't it?

steve: Well, to a degree, but I think what it's gonna do for Karl, is give him, I think- just for you and I, Rick--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We're gonna see his face--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Light up?

steve: Brighten up, lighten up like opening a wonderful Christmas gift.

karl: Do you know what, I think I've seen this. Is this the one... with the kid with the big head?

steve: I'll be honest with you Karl, it is. Have you seen it already?

karl: Yep.

steve: Let me just show it to you again so you can confirm that it is.

karl: It's like--

ricky: I haven't seen it.

karl: It's like--

karl: Yep. Yep.

ricky: We shouldn't be laughing at that!

karl: No but, that is like the kid who I went to school with.

karl: That is the same.

steve: That can't be the same.

ricky: So do you recognize him?

karl: Seriously. That- that- that is the same thing he had.

ricky: Aww I- awww I'm not sure--

steve: I mean, I have to say that it does look like it's been computer generated, it's so odd.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Awww, I d--

steve: But look at the- the child's face.

ricky: I know--

steve: Look at his reaction! "Don't take another photo of me".

ricky: I kn- I'm not sure this is right.

steve: It's not right. It's not right. But I just- I was hoping that that would give you, Karl, just a little glimpse of, uhh, wonder--

ricky: We've had a little request as well on the- the best bits - someone wants to hear you talking about your mates with the big heads.

karl: I'm gonna leave it because everytime we go there, I get- we get some sort of complaint about something.

ricky: About what?

karl: It's best just to leave it. Well, that- for some reason that always goes from the story of me dad goin' to Blackpool--

karl: Taking those kids there.

ricky: What kids?

karl: And- f- leave it.

ricky: No, w- w- what? I don't know- there's people out there who don't know what you're talkin' about.

karl: Well, I'll tell you when we put a song on.

ricky: No, well I know what it is but you can't just say that--

karl: Well if you want to know- well, email in. Email in.

ricky: Okay, is it when your dad put a kid in the wheelie bin?

karl: (Exhales) Yep.

ricky: Cuz it was gettin' out of hand.

karl: Yeah, so we're gonna be doing--

steve: We can't go through it again, Rick. It's too controversial.

karl: We're gonna- we're gonna... whatshername. Well, the thing is, right, you were just saying about "what are ya?" about Christmas--

karl: That's a funny thing, right, cuz in our house there's no one who's religious, right--

steve: No.

ricky: Mmm.

karl: My dad got annoyed when I went to church that day, it was like, "What are you doin' that for?"

steve: 'Course.

karl: I went to see a gig in Liverpool... remember the band The Christians?

ricky: Yeh.

karl: He thought I'd joined some club.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I said, "I've been to see The Christians", he was sayin' to me mam, "What- what's he doin' goin' out with them?"

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: And then, umm--

karl: The other thing is - because I'm not christened or anythin', me mam used to say to me, "Don't tell anyone that... because there's witches and stuff."

ricky: (Laughing) I just- I wanta- I want to go back and see his upbringing.

steve: I really, yeah.

ricky: I just want to go back and see him at seven. One day- one day in the life of Karl at age seven.

steve: Just- just have three ghosts visit him, tonight--

steve: And take him back through time, but we could go with him.

ricky: We go w- well we can be some of the ghosts.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I just like--

steve: "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. Remember this?"

ricky: Aww, that's am- that's incredible. "Cuz there's witches" and don't--

steve: So- so- is there any more?

ricky: So she thought- she wasn't a Christian but she thought maybe someone could take your soul, cuz you weren't christened.

karl: Well it's like, uhh--

karl: There's- there's cults and that isn't they and if they find out you're not christened then--

ricky: Right. I don't think they care. I don't think a lot of cults care.

karl: Well...

steve: But what can they do if you're- if- if you're not christened. I just don't know what--

karl: I don't know, I just said, "All right" because- the- then through that time the- there must of been a time when that was a problem.

ricky: But hold on, how would they know?

karl: Yeah, but I'm older now so I'm all right. She used to worry about me playing out on the street--

ricky: Oh, she was worried about when you were naive and stupid and easily lead.

karl: Well...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. No, no, no, good point! No, you're all right now, yeah!

karl: So...

ricky: Um, yeah. Good.

karl: "Rockbusters" now.

ricky: "Rockbusters" - tell the prizes, Steve. We've got Christmas gifts. This is Christmas gifts.

steve: Yeah we have got some, uhh- I don't know if you'll receive them in time to actually pass them off as gifts--

ricky: I wonder if I can tell that, umm, uhh, Ross Noble story... that he told us.

steve: I don't know, we'll have to discuss that when the record's playing.

ricky: Okay.

steve: Umm, okay, so you heard a track from it just then, this is the XFM Christmas album. I think that's been knocking around here, in the office, for years, hasn't it, Karl?

karl: Umm, it--

steve: Or is it new this year?

karl: It- it was brought out about two years ago but--

steve: Okay.

karl: Christmas songs are--

steve: Christmas songs are Christmas songs.

karl: Pretty timeless aren't they?

steve: Yeah, it's not bad, it's got things on here like the Dandy Warhols, the Webb Brothers are on there, Drugstore, Belle and Sebastian, Flaming Lips, all sorts. So we've got that to give away. We've also got this, umm, Smashing Pumpkins compilation which we seem- again that seems to be knockin' around for weeks. Another one of those "Fifty Years of the Greatest Hit Singles... I don't know, Culture Club's on there, Queen obviously... Lennon--

ricky: I've just seen the cult film!

steve: Yeah, uhh, the com- the cult film we'll come back to, surely. This, I think is one of the most exciting gifts: if you have a video player and you want to get trim then surely "Big Brother 3" champion Kate Lawler and her "Cardio Combat" video in which, I think she uses, kind of, I don't know, military kickboxing training to get you trim and taut--

ricky: Sure.

steve: And looking as good as her, then you can get that as well. We've also got, uhh, a exclusive seven inch single from The White Stripes, a kind of Christmas single, is that, from them?

karl: Yeh. Yeh.

steve: That must be quite rare, that's probably the only thing worth hanging on to.

ricky: That's quite good.

karl: That is worth something.

steve: Ahd uhh--

ricky: That is worth something.

steve: The current Badly Drawn Boy album "Have You Fed The Fish?" which--

ricky: Well that- that--

steve: I think is slightly mediocre.

ricky: They've gone up, actually, I think that the- the level of prizes has gone up.

steve: Not a bad selection but here is the big movie and I have to say this is not a bad one, it's just, uhh--

ricky: No, again it's not- not terrible at all, it quite--

steve: It could be worse, it's, uhh, James Caan in the original "Rollerball", not the disasterous remake that came out recently--

ricky: No.

steve: But, uhh, the DVD version of "Rollerball" so that's there as well. So, some in- fairly interesting gifts.

ricky: That's worth winning. Right, come on then, let's do "Rockbuster".

karl: Well, will we play a song to--

steve: Let's play a tune and we'll come to- yeah.

karl: Give them time to get a pen and paper and that?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah. So, we're doing it next.

ricky: Yeh.

karl: No.

ricky: (Mid-Sentence) ...Karl Pilkington - the man of the moment with his "Rockbusters" coming your way, with all those great prizes.

karl: Yep.

steve: "Yep".

ricky: "Yep."

karl: Right are we, uhh--

ricky: "Yep."

karl: Doin' it now?

ricky: "Yep."

steve: Yes.

ricky: "Yep."

karl: Uhh, I noticed "Heat Magazine", sort of, put a bit of a spanner in the works.

ricky: Why?

karl: Cuz they were sayin', "Ooh, maybe it'll be a Christmas edition of 'Rockbusters'", and I'd already sorted 'em out.

ricky: D- I wouldn't worry, Karl.

karl: Well, what I've done... I've cleverly tweaked them...

karl: To make them Christmas-ey.

ricky: (Laughing) Oh God.

karl: So the Christmas bit in it has got nothing to do with- with it whatsoever but I just thought...

steve: So you mean the clues have a Christmas element?

karl: W- yeah--

ricky: But- but it has nothing to do with the answer.

karl: It's nothing- yeah. It's nothing to do (Laughing) with the answer. All right.

ricky: So why don't you just ask the normal ones and I'll- I'll ring a bell- I'll shake some bells.

steve: Yeah. And go, "Ho! Ho! Ho!".

karl: Well it's the equivalent of that but in, sort of, speech. Right? So...

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: The first one: uhmm, "There's a load of letters, uhh, there, askin' for advice. Put them on Claire's desk. Oh, and, uh, have a good Christmas."

steve: (Giggling) Now, give it- give it to us again.

ricky: Oh God!

karl: Right, so, "There's a load of letters askin' for advice. Put 'em on Claire's desk. Oh, and have a good Christmas."

steve: Right.

karl: All right?

steve: Bear in mind, people, that the Christmas element may not be relevant to these clues.

karl: No, that's got nothin' to do with it. I don't want to... you know.

steve: Okay.

karl: And the initial there is F. All right? That's F.

steve: All right.

karl: Right, the second one...

karl: "Ask your mam if you should.... after you've wrapped the presents."

karl: All right? So that's--

steve: (Laughing) "Ask your mam if you should".

karl: "Ask your mam if you should after you've wrapped the presents." That's, uhhhm, that's S.

steve: S. All right.

karl: All right?

ricky: Okay.

karl: And the last one: uhhhm, "A couple of people were arguing in the supermarket at the fruit and veg counter... but it's busy in there cuz it's Christmas."

karl: That's probably what brought it on. So that's- that's B.

ricky: (Calming Down) Ooooooh.

karl: B.

karl: B.

ricky: Ooooh God!

karl: So, they're the- they're the three. Will I just, uhh, recap?

steve: Yes, please.

ricky: Yeah. I've- I've no idea, I can't even- I don't know what to start thinking- I'd- well.

karl: Uhh, so... so the first one... All right "There's a load of letters there askin' for advice. Put 'em on Claire's desk.--"

steve: "Have a good Christmas."

karl: "Oh, and have a good Christmas".

karl: Second one: "Ask your mam if you should".

steve: "After you wrap the presents."

karl: S.

karl: And the last one: "A couple of people were argwin- arguing in the supermarket at the fruit and veg counter--"

steve: "But it's busy in there because it's Christmas."

karl: "It's busy cuz it's Christmas". That's B. So they're the three things.

steve: It's email only, this one, please remember that. [email protected] [email protected]

karl: Yeh.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: So, brilliant.

ricky: Karl looks happy with them--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He looks really happy.

steve: And rightly so, they're cracking.

karl: Yeah, they're good.

steve: Yeah, pleased with those.

ricky: Right.

steve: Are there going to be more "Rockbusters" in the new year? We're not sure?

karl: UUhhhhhm, I'm- I'm still, you know, thinkin' about new ideas that we can do.

steve: Okay.

karl: Uhhm, are we startin' "Rickydiculous" today? Have you done anything?

ricky: Couldn't be bothered.

steve: Couldn't be bothered.

karl: All right, couldn't be ar- all right.

steve: Look forward to "Rickydiculous" in the new year.

ricky: Look, he's worried about- he nearly said, "arsed" and he just stopped. Cuz he's worried.

karl: Yeah, well...

ricky: Cuz he's the producer.

karl: Yeah, well I've got to set a standard, don't I?

steve: Oh dear!

ricky: Karl, you have, mate.

ricky: You have.

karl: So, that's that. We've still got to come, uhh, "Educatin--"

ricky: Oh, I'll tell you what, why don't we have, umm, a lovely tune, right--

karl: Yeah.

ricky: You make the tea, we'll open these biscuits from Alexandra--

karl: Yeh.

ricky: We'll be enjoyin' that, right, maybe segway so we can have a nice little, you know, rest, I don't wanna talk through it, it'd be rude and then we're comin' back and as part of, like, "Pilkington"... Parkinson--

ricky: And "Do We Need 'Em?"... "Do We Need Them?"--

steve: (Chuckling) Yeah.

ricky: Karl has interviewed an expert--

ricky and steve: On jellyfish.

steve: Brilliant. So, we've got that plus, of course, we've got two part- a two-part "Educating Ricky".

karl: You've got "Educating Ricky" still to come.

steve: With a Christmas theme or not?

karl: Uhhhm--

ricky: And we've still got things like--

karl: No.

ricky: The Pogues, John Lennon, Joni Mitchell- just- David Bowie--

steve: Are you- are you suggesting there's going to be some great music and some fun chat?

ricky: Great music and some fun chat.

steve: (Laughing) Lovely.

ricky: Uhh, good, well we've had our little biscuits, haven't we?

steve: Mm!

karl: Good, that.

ricky: We're lovin' it, aren't we?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Cheers for that.

ricky: Umm, I thi- I think I could just sum up the station come- actually, with that la- last comment.

steve: (Laughing) I think you're probably right.

ricky: Uhh, I just came in, just went to the toilet there and, uh, uhm, uhh, it's a disabled toilet because I was just close to it so, uhh, you know, you go there. I had a wee, I thought, "Ohh, uhh, the thing doesn't work, didn't flush". I came back, "Oh, the- the toilet doesn't work, doesn't flush". And, uhh, Karl went, "No, you just stick your hand down and pull the- that wire up with the..."

ricky: Think of that.

steve: (Laughing) You've got to put your hand in the water!

ricky: Just- when- when--

steve: In the cistern water.

ricky: When David Bowie interviewed Zoe: (Bowie Impression) "Um, can I, uh, umm, yeah, the toilet's not flushing." He goes, "Yeah, just stick your hand down, pop the shit down the, uhh- down the U-bend, and just wipe your hands on your pants."

ricky: (Bowie Impression) "Thank- thank's very much." I mean.. sums up this station, doesn't it?

steve: Absolutely. Tin pot- have you ever done this- this is one of my most embarrassing moments is: co- you know, because sometimes you'll see- (Giggling) you'll see--

ricky: (Laughing) What? Eh?

steve: Well I- you'll- you'll realize what I was (Giggling) gonna say--

steve: What- what happened, Rick, was I- I almost leapt to the end of the story--

ricky: (Laughing) Right.

steve: But I realized I had to go back a few steps.

ricky: Yeah. I just heard, "Have you ever co-", and you stopped.

steve: (Laughing) It was gonna be "coming"... but it- but you'll understand in a minute when I finish the story that it's--

ricky: Okay.

steve: Not "coming" in the traditional sense.

ricky: Oh, right.

steve: Cuz it also is followed by "coming out of".

ricky: Oh sure!

steve: All right?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So--

ricky: And not your trousers.

steve: (Laughing) Not my trousers.

ricky: Okay. Okay. Okay.

steve: All right, so, umm... No, awkward moment and I should just- you know, if you're Christmas shopping - maybe you're in a big department store...

ricky: Mmm.

steve: And, umm, you see the disabled toilet and you think to yourself, "I could nip in there. I can use that" - you know - "cuz it's close to hand, cuz I've got to wonder miles for the regular toilet". I went in there once, in the toilet, you know (Indicating Passage of Time) De-De-De-De-De, disabled toilet, just snuck in. Came out, disabled person.

ricky: Furious.

steve: That was- but it's really awkward.

ricky: Aww.

steve: Cuz it's like- cuz it is like it's their own, sort of, private domain, you know, it's like- it's like they're part of an exclusive club. They've not got many perks in life and that's one of them and here I was--

steve: You know, kind of- kind of exploiting it.

ricky: But they can't- well, yeah I suppose they can be annoyed. What'd you do?

steve: Well it just was a look--

ricky: Did you do- affect a limp?

steve: Do you know, I normally do! I often do. I of- I've affected a limp many times--

ricky: Ah.

steve: Umm, like, for instance- yeah, if I take the lift in a building when it's only one flight of stairs, right, and they know I might get off at the first floor I always affect a limp coming out--

steve: So that justifies why I haven't (Laughing) come up the stairs.

steve: Like, who is it I'm scared is going to say something?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But, uhh...

ricky: Oh dear. That- that's great.

steve: It's the same thing if someone asks me for directions, I always pretend I'm foreign. I always go, (Foreign Accent) "I don't, umm--"

ricky: Why do you do that?!

steve: I can't- cuz I- I- just terrified of giving them the wrong directions and then--

ricky: Well, just say, "I don't know, I don't live- from- here".

steve: I don't like- cuz I sort of, you know- I feel bad. Cuz I- what I used to, sort of, give directions cuz I like giving directions, I like helping people out. But then I realized I didn't really know--

ricky: You hang- you used to hang around going, "You all right?" "Yeah, we're fine, yeah." "Do you want to know where to go?"

karl: I tend to have a go even if I don't know.

steve: Exactly. But it's- I'm always terrified they'll come back and find you and go, "You led us astray".

karl: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: So, I- now, I just affect a foreign accent.

karl: There was a fella- there was a fella the other day- about two weeks ago when I was walkin' in... little old woman, little old fella come up to me and said, uhh, "Where's, uhh, Wimpole Street?"... So I said, uhh, "Aw, I do know it!", I said, "I think it's over there" and then- I'm not very good with street names but I'm good that if you say, "Well, there's a Boots on it"--

steve: Right.

karl: Do you know what I mean? If there's something near it I- it's like the same with directions, when I- when I used to drive a lot--

steve: Yeah, or historical facts.

karl: I didn't- I don't know, like, all motorway names, you know, like "M-this" and "M-that"--

steve: Mm.

karl: Can never remember that but me dad used to always say, "Right, there's a horse in the field, turn right"--

steve: Yeah.

karl: And stuff like that.

steve: Good stuff, yeah.

karl: Umm, and it's the same with this fella, they sort of said, you know--

karl: "Where's- where's Wimpole Street?", and I said, "Well what are you after?", and he said, "I'm after some blood."

steve: "I'm after some blood"?

karl: Yeah, there's doctors around there isn't they? So, I was like, "Aww". So that didn't help me.

steve: What do you mean "he was after some blood"?

karl: He said, "Aw, I need some blood". He must of had an illness.

steve: Was he bleeding?

karl: No, he just must of had- needed some new blood or something. He had some illness and I was like, you know- I c- if he- if he--

ricky: Why didn't he go to the pet shop and get some parrots? Like that--

steve: He didn't have fangs and a cape, did he?

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

karl: No, but do you know what I mean?

ricky: Aw that--

karl: That didn't help me out. But--

ricky: What if he said, "Well, some pile cream actually, can you...?", you go, "Well, you want Boots then."

karl: Yeah. I woulda- it woulda been all right but I didn't know where to start with that.

steve: "I need some blood"? That's a very strange--

karl: Yeah. Just over there. Yeah, sort of pointed him away.

steve: (Laughing) But- so he was- he was losing conciousness--

steve: You sent him the wrong way, he's dragging himself along the pavement. (Weak Voice)"Is there blood this way?!"

ricky: (Laughing) Awwww.

steve: The gash is growing ever deeper.

ricky: Well, we've got to, uhh- we've got to do, uhh, "Pilkington", haven't we?

karl: Do you want to?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Okay, we should explain this, I think, shouldn't we?

ricky: Well, it's- it's Karl's new idea--

karl: Yeah.

ricky: For, umm, a TV show. He wants to do, uh, TV show called "Do We Need 'Em?" where he goes 'round and, uhh, he talks to experts like David Attenborough, like David Bellamy, maybe Lenny Henry doing David Bellamy.

steve: (Laughing) Right. Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: If he can't get the real one. Umm, and, uhh, he just picks on an animal that he doesn't really like, doesn't think you need 'em and the expert will tell him, uhh, if we do and this is the first installment.

karl: Let me put a song on, right, now we've got 'em and then I can set it up--

steve: Okay.

karl: And stuff and tel- you know cuz--

steve: Explain it fully.

karl: Explain it and that.

ricky: Let's do a classic. Let's do a big stomping- one of the best Christmas songs of all-time, shall we?

karl: What are you thinking?

ricky: "Fairytale of New York"

steve: Excellent. It's always (Cut Off)

ricky: Pogues featuring Kirsty McCall on XFM 104.9 - the Christmas Edition.

steve: Indeed.

ricky: Next week- we've had loads of- just- suggestions, Karl, f- for your best bits. It's basically all your best bits. Me and Steve are largely irrelevant in the- in the voting.

karl: Yeh.

ricky: So, uhh, y- you can compile your best bits next week and they'll be loving it. We- we've had a request for the- the, uhh, little Chinese fella and his pants, a horse in the house, cutting your hair on the railw- railway station--

steve: I mean, if you have- if you haven't heard those stories... (Chuckles) tho- that- what does that mean?

steve: "The little Chinaman in your pants"? You've got to be tuning in next week to find out what that is.

karl: The only thing is: the older "horse in the house" was in the last "Best-Of".

ricky: Was it?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Well that- that doesn't stop... what's his name... (Denis Norden Impression) "If you're one of those people--"

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: (Denis Norden Impression) "That want to see these clips again--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (Denis Norden Impression) "Tune in". Awww.

steve: It's only on at Christmas.

ricky: (Denis Norden Impression) "It'll Be All Right On The Night 84".

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: (Denis Norden Impression) "Someone kill me".

steve: (Denis Norden Impression) "If you're one of those people..."

ricky: (Denis Norden Impression) "I'm gonna live forever."

steve: It's like we've said before, who goes to the recording of one of those?!

steve: There's always people in the audience--

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

steve: Aren't there?

ricky: That would be great.

steve: People actually, you know--

ricky: Tickets for "It'll Be All Right On The Night".

steve: And they laugh at his jokes but, I mean, I d- I don't know what the jokes are!

ricky: And think how many takes it- you know, how long it takes--

steve: I know.

ricky: To record that. They're- the show is about three hours so the recording must be about nine.

steve: Have you, uhh, ever seen "Kirsty's Home Videos" on Sky One?

ricky: I think so. I think so.

steve: It's, uhh, Kirsty Gallacher--

ricky: Dogs falling down slides?

steve: It's like- "You've Been Framed" but it's--

ricky: Yeah. Falling over at a wedding.

steve: It's got audience laughter. But I'm assuming it can't be a real audience. I'm assuming it must be like "Flintstones"- it's canned laughter--

ricky: They- they've- they've lifted it- they've just lifted it from "The Flintstones".

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: The laughter from "The Flintstones", yeah.

steve: A lot of people forget that "The Flintstones" had an audience.

steve: If you re-watch "The Flintstones" there's laughter when Fred does something funny.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: (Chuckling) The idea of people shipping- being shipped in--

ricky: But we were talking about--

steve: To watch a cartoon.

ricky: I like the idea that some jokes weren't as funny as others.

steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

ricky: Like the director going, "Well, put a laugh on that", the producer going, "Well, it's not as funny. I think it's not as funny--"

steve: "Dino should get a ro- Dino should get a round of applause every time he comes in, he- everyone loves him, he's a--"

ricky: "Well we're making it up, we can't--"

steve: Barney getting disgruntled cuz his jokes never get a decent laugh.

ricky: Yeah, he's like Wise.

steve: (Laughing) Exactly, yeah. He's like Ernie Wise.

steve: Okay so here--

ricky: Okay, Karl, here we go. Here's the exciting feature that will- I- I think will be picked up by Channel Five... Uhh, it's gonna be Karl Pilkington "Do We Need 'Em?" where Karl goes around checking out animals with, uhh, top experts asking whether we need 'em in the world.

karl: Yeah... So, umm, we're st- yeah, this is the first one. We won't do it next week but I'm already, sortin' out the contact. We will be looking at octopus...

karl: Cuz... they're a bit weird.

steve: Okay.

karl: So that- that's what you got to look forward to in 20- you know, in '03.

steve: Again, if you have an animal that you feel is unnecessary in the world, then email us--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I'm sure Karl will investigate for you.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well, the other thing as well - whilst we're on to that - I wanna, sort of, have a bit of research with me. So when I speak to the- like the bloke or the woman about the octopus, right, um, I want, like, response--

steve: You want to be armed with the facts.

karl: Well, sort of, response from listeners so I can say, "Well, seventy percent of XFM listeners said we should get rid of 'em."

steve: Sure.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Okay.

karl: Like Jon Snow does on Channel 4 when he does all, like, politics stuff.

steve: Politics. Yeah. Yeah.

karl: So, if you agree with me just send an email saying, "Yes".

ricky: What- s- so, "Yes" - we should get rid of them.

karl: Yes. Yeah or--

ricky: "Yes" - get rid of 'em. Cuz you're- y- you're always- your- the house believes always we should get rid of these animals. That's- you're picking animals you want to get rid of. So, "Yes" is get rid of them. "No" is don't get rid of them.

karl: Well, and not "No", it's "Noah" cuz they go on the ark - the ones we keep go on the ark.

steve: That element I've completely forgotten about and I think that's a wise move because I don't think that's workin', I don't think you've thought through the whole Noah- see, that's just complicating the show, I think.

ricky: So "Yes"- "Yes" - we get rid of 'em, "Noah" - they're saved on the ark.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Right okay--

ricky: Right. Lovely.

steve: So here we go, then. Jellyfish: Do we need 'em?

karl: So we, uhh- today we're looking at jellyfish on "Pilkington".

karl: Right, I'm, uhh- I'm talking to, uhh- to Vicky who works in an aquarium in- in Anglesey, innit?

vicky: Yes, it is, yes.

karl: Right, brilliant. Uh, today we want to find out if we really need jellyfish. I've got a bit of a problem with 'em anyway.

karl: Cuz- cuz I've been- I've been stung by one aaand I've done a little bit of research into 'em. So, I'll tell you what I know about 'em--

vicky: Okay.

karl: Uhh, you know, you mi- you might learn some stuff from me--

vicky: Oh, well you never know!

karl: And if I'm talkin' nonsense, just- just tell me.

vicky: Absolutely.

karl: Yeah? Uhh, right, so, first of all: they don't have eyes, do they?

vicky: No, they don't, no.

karl: Right. So I'm right with that. Uh, no lungs.

vicky: No lungs.

karl: They haven't got a heart.

vicky: No heart. Heartless.

karl: And they're made up of like 97% water.

vicky: Yes, they are.

karl: So, they're pretty useless, really.

vicky: Well they have got a nervous system. Um, they're actually about 650 million years old, so they- they've evolved and they've outlived the dinosaurs and they're even older than the sharks. And they can even outfox us.... uhh, because NASA scientists have worked with them to try and work out how they, umm, operate in weightlessness and they still don't know how they do that. Took them into space actually to figure out how that they did- how they did that.

karl: Seems like a bit of a waste of money but, umm--

vicky: Uhh--

karl: Do you know Porthmadog?

karl: I used to go there a lot for me holidays and there used to be a load of 'em washed up on the beach--

vicky: Uh huh.

karl: People on motorbikes used to go over them and... stuff.

vicky: Yeahhh--

karl: Which isn't--

vicky: So- well we get the jell- the moon jellyfish - that's the ones with, uhh- they've got pink bits in the middle.

karl: Yeah, they're- they're--

vicky: That's their reproductive pocket.

karl: I think that- I think that was them, I think they're the ones who went over on the bike cuz the pink bits.

vicky: Yeaah.

karl: What- what do they do? If the jellyfish went, would- would we have a problem on our hands, do you think?

vicky: Okay, umm, you might have a bit of a knock-on effect cuz, umm, things like turtles eat, um, jellyfish.

karl: Yeah, but do we need turtles?

vicky: Uhh, well don't forget that when you take out one- when you take out something from the marine system--

karl: Mm.

vicky: Something normally feeds on it. I mean, they're not just there... for the fun of it. Something either feeds on it or feeds on what they excrete, umm--

karl: What your saying is, they exist to, sort of, feed others and also to eat some stuff that's in the sea.

vicky: Well, yeah, they control the population of other fish and species that might otherwise be a problem.

karl: Okay, well, let's- let's kind of wrap this up, right. Umm, the question that- that I'm askin' today is, "Do we need them?". Say if- say if, uhh, Noah...

vicky: Yeah.

karl: Had his ark.

karl: Right. You're- you know you've swam and got on the boat, you're all right, you're safe, he's gonna keep you to, sort of, populate the world as well. All right? So it's you and him--

vicky: Uh huh.

karl: He's not a bad looking fella, so- so you're happy.

vicky: Yeeahh.

karl: Umm, he says to ya, "Vicky, uhh, do we need 'em?"

vicky: Absolutely.

ricky: I- mm- I don't even know why she even gave you that interview.

ricky: When you start off with, (Karl Impression) "Right, yeah, tryin' to find out if we need jellyfi-", what did you tell her to get her to talk to you?

karl: Just, uh- just said, "I'm doing some research on stuff", uhh--

ricky: Did she think you were a schoolboy or sommat?

karl: No, she just- she just said, "All right"- she said, you know, "How long will it go on?", I said, "Not long. Just, like five minutes, have a quick chat." And she was- she was- loved it, didn't she? She sounded happy to take part and that.

steve: So, the fact--

ricky: I love the fact that you got an expert and you- you suggest that she's going to be having sex with Noah.

ricky: He's gonna go, "So you're happy", she goes, "Yyyeah".

ricky: I mean, I don't know why you stopped there and didn't go into positions or something, I- I- can't bel- ehhhhh...

karl: The problem is, really, I didn't get to the bottom what- of what I wanted to say because--

ricky: Aw no you did, that's it- that's, uh- that's done now. That's a pretty good academic work. That's proved, you know--

karl: No, but the turtle thing, you know, if you get rid of 'em then the turtles, you know, won't have anything to eat... But, when she said that, I mean, I couldn't say it cuz it would have took her off and confused her but, like--

steve: Well, she's a scientist, she's easily confused.

karl: Well, say, like, when- when Suzanne is working, right...

karl: I'm not a very good cook so I always get, like, an Indian in.

steve: What? To do the cooking for you?

ricky: (Laughing) I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say...

karl: So, right, I'll have an Indian, right. Now, say if for some reason it closed, I'd get a Chinese.

karl: So, why wouldn't the turtle just- there's loads of stuff in the sea--

karl: But, I didn't- I didn't want to get too heavy on her, but--

steve: (Laughing) That is pretty deep.

ricky: (Laughing) Oooh! That is genius.

karl: But, we'll look at, uhh--

steve: But- so, the fact that she said, "Yes, you need o- uh, you need jellyfish", does that mean that you've changed your- I mean, what I'm saying is, does her answer go? Does that stand?

karl: Yeah, it does, yeah.

steve: It does, does it?

karl: It does, yeah. Whatever the- I get the expert to say- I try and get 'em in a corner--

steve: Right. You try and- (Laughing) yeah, argue them into a corner.

karl: Argue them into a corner but that time she wasn't having any of it so we've got to carry on havin' 'em.

steve: Yeah. Right.

karl: So, in- in- in the new year, we'll be lookin' at octopus.

steve: O- okay.

karl: Yeah?

ricky: Yeah, great.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Let's play some feeder.

ricky: (Mid-Sentence) ...Christmas.

steve: I think there's often--

ricky: Karl with his Victoria plum. I want to see a Victoria Plum! I want to know what it is. Is a- does it look like a little gnome?

karl: It's- it's a- it's a woman gnome.

ricky: A female gnome?

karl: Yeh.

ricky: A little gnome. And--

karl: Yeah.

ricky: And, uhh, did your mum collect gnomes?

karl: She likes anything gnomes, she likes fairies, she likes, uhhh... Indians. She collects all that stuff. I- and it doesn't matter what it is--

steve: (Laughing) She likes Indians?

ricky: (Laughing) What do you mean?

karl: You know, like a proper Indian with all the head gear on.

steve: Oh, Native American.

ricky: Native America, yeah.

karl: Yeah, she likes anything with them on, like, you know, it could be a fridge magnet...

karl: It can be, uhh...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Just- just anything.

ricky: A lot of Native American wisdom is- is around the fridge magnet--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Cuz they think it had special powers... of adhesion.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, I w- w- that's- you read some of their- their--

ricky and steve: Writings

ricky: (Laughing) The great works. Um, now, uhh, that reminds me, talking of gnomes, um, he said to me in the week- he went, "Ah, did you see that program on telly last night about dwarves and fellas without legs nicking cars?"

ricky: And I went, "No", he went, "Aw, it's amazing, right, cuz they haven't got legs and that, they scoot along and they can nip into a car like 'The Dukes of Hazzard'."

steve: Explain more, Karl.

karl: No, you see, I didn't see it, someone else told me about it.

ricky: AWW!

karl: That's what I said to ya! I said, "Did you see it, cuz I missed it?", and it's about these- these little fellas--

karl: Umm, who, uhh, specialize in car nicking...

karl: And... the thing I wanted to know is - cuz this lad who, sort of, watched it, only watched half of it--

ricky: Is he like you?

karl: Well, I said, "I can understand how it's easy to get in... but then how do you get away?"

karl: Cuz you can't reach the pedals.

steve: Yeh.

ricky: Can there be two of 'em?

steve: Well presumably he opens the car for someone who--

karl: Yeah, but that isn't going to work, is it?

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: What? So he's steering and then it's like, "Right, press the brake a bit"?

ricky: And then there's- and then there's one that's just legs without the top half.

steve: I don't understand how this helps them, though. What are they- why are they- why does this make it easier for them to steal cars?

karl: Because they can get through the window really quickly like in "The Dukes of Hazzard".

steve: Wha--

ricky: Cuz their legs don't get in the way!

steve: Right.

ricky: Do they just run? And just- no, they can't run.

steve: But, what do you mean- the wind- I mean what- so someone's driving along--

karl: I didn't see it! This is why I'm askin' ya!

steve: And leaves the window open... Could they leap in when there's someone still driving the car?

karl: I don't know.

steve: Well, there's too many things left unanswered, here! I can't go into Christmas and not know.

karl: Well, maybe someone's seen it and they can email in... but, that's, sort of--

steve: This panicked you, anyway, I imagine.

ricky: I bet you were gutted you missed that program, weren't ya?

karl: Well, I woulda- I'm interested in stuff like that cuz I like learnin' which gets us on to: "Educating Ricky".

ricky: Oh, excellent! Slick. Go on.

karl: We've had a- we've had a good year of stuff.

ricky: We have.

karl: Teachin' ya stuff.

ricky: Yeah, I've learned a lot!

karl: Can you remember any of the highlights?

ricky: (Sarcastic) Of course I can! There was a deaf girl, she hit her head and she could hear.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Um, there was also, umm, some people who ate tomatos, thought they were poisonous on lead. There was also a fella who- a doctor who gave a blood transfusion, uhh, with some parrot's from the pet store--

karl: Yep.

ricky: (Sarcastic) Umm, because the doctor in America - and it was the olden days when the lines were bad - said, "Give him his parent's blood" and the doctor this side thought he said, "Give him some parrot's blood". So that was true...

ricky: And that educated me.

steve: That was fact. What have you got for us?

karl: Well, we've only got two because I've taught you about jellyfish today--

steve: Yeah.

karl: That we need 'em, so I've only got two- two things to go at. And the, uhh- I give 'em a little headline so you remember them, to make them snappy.

steve: Mm hmm.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uhh, the two headlines, you've got: "Oh, What A Cat-Toe-Strophe!"

steve: (Amused) Okay.

karl: Umm, and the second one is: "Well, You'd Think It'd Be Bug-Head, Wouldn't You?"

ricky: What?!

karl: "Well, You'd Think It'd Be Bug-Head, Wouldn't You?"

ricky: "You'd Think It'd Beat--"

karl: No, "You'd Think It Be"--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: "You'd Think It'd Be Buggered, Wouldn't You?"

ricky and steve: "Bug-Head".

karl: "Bug-Head".

steve: "Bug-Head".

ricky: Th- this can't be- if this is anything with a- a bug living without a head, I'm not interested. Cuz we've done it. All we've done is--

karl: Well, let's just do "Oh, What A Cat-Toe-Strophe!".

ricky: So, is that it? All right, do that one first.

steve: All right give us the "Bug-Head" one.

karl: Which one? Which one are we doing?

ricky: No, do the "Bug-Head" one.

karl: Right, well the "Bug--"

karl: The "Bug-Head" one. Well we- we've talked a- a lot about animals and that, haven't we, without heads.

ricky: Surprisingly, we have! I think a disproportionate amount on--

steve: If you're a new listener and this is the first time you've listened, you'd be surprised!

karl: Well we've done that- we've done- we've covered, uhh, worms, the way if you cut their head off it grows back if you don't cut too- too high above its neck.

karl: We've covered--

ricky: The chicken!

karl: The fella who blinked.

steve: Yeah. I can't go into it again.

karl: Right.

steve: Let's not go into it again.

ricky: (Laughing) AHHHH.

karl: We've had the chicken with no head that lived a few months.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And we've had cockroaches.

karl: And we've had cockroaches living for a week without a head.

ricky: Right, okay.

karl: Right, it's- it's a bit more on the cockroach front, really.

ricky: Right.

karl: Uhm, they've found, right, that if you get a cockroach...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And you cut its head off...

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right.

ricky: Yeh.

karl: And then, you find a cockroach that's still got its head but it hasn't got any legs...

steve: Right.

karl: Right, it's not over for both of them, right?

steve: Continue.

karl: Cuz what you can do...

karl: You've got the one that's got the legs...

steve: Right.

karl: With no head.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Sort of running around. Get the one with the head...

steve: Uh huh.

karl: Sit it on top of it...

steve: Right.

karl: Get a little tube--

steve: (Laughing) Okay.

karl: So that the fluids--

ricky: So, is this- is this auntie's gone out of the room?

steve: Let him finish.

ricky: This is like Blue Peter!

steve: Let him finish.

ricky: You can get- you can get this for Christmas.

karl: All right? You get a little tube, you sit that on top so the bodily fluids are still runnin' between the two.

steve: Right.

karl: The head of the one on the top will control the feet of the one on the bottom.

steve: Okay.

karl: What about that?

ricky: Good.

steve: And, uhh, would it continue to live?

karl: Ehhm, yep.

steve: (Laughing) Okay. You don't know that for sure, do you? You're just guessing.

ricky: No, that was just a- that was just a question out of the blue he wasn't expecting.

karl: No- that- that... What do you think about that?

ricky: Good, yeah. It's great. Yeah, just a primitive nervous system that can- yeah.... Yeah.

steve: D- did you expect us to be more impressed and excited by that?

karl: Well--

steve: Did you fall off your chair when you read that?

steve: Did you look, like, straight off going, "WHOAAH!", like a cartoon?

ricky: Did you think you were going to be the Frankenstein of the insect world?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Nah, I was just thinkin', if they can do that, you know with the--

steve: With them, can they do it with humans?

karl: Can they do it with humans? Cuz I also did a bit of research on--

steve: Of course you did.

ricky: Did you ever- did you- did you come to the, umm- sort of conclusion that apart from the moral aspect of it, that human was probably more complicated than...?

karl: Yeaah, but... do you know what I mean, things- things move on, don't they? Do you know what I mean?

steve: Welcome to science, Rick.

karl: You know, I had- I had Binatone as a kid, now they've got Playstation 2 and the difference in ten years is amazing.

ricky: They have found that if- if you lose your head, a cockroach can live normally on your body but not the other way 'round.

ricky: Your head on its cannot control its legs--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Cuz it's too complicated for your brain.

steve: It's too confusing.

karl: Well...

ricky: So, uhh, i-i- yeah. So--

karl: Then- then, other research, uhh- cuz I thought if you don't learn from that, I'll give ya something else--

steve: Of course.

karl: For free, all right?

ricky: Go on. (Laughs) "For free."

karl: That they, uh, can clone people...

steve: Uh huh.

karl: The only reason they don't do it, right, say if, like, Ricky needed, uhh, a lung, right, they could clone you and make you the same but the only reason they don't want to do it is cuz it'd be a bit horrible wouldn't it?

ricky: A- and- and it would take- and it would take, sort of, eighteen years for me to get an adult lung.

steve: And there's all kinds of moral implications.

karl: Yeh.

ricky: What do you mean "Yeah"? You hadn't thought of that.

steve: So- so- sorry- cuz le- lest we forget, Rick, he ended with, "the only reason they don't do it, is cuz it's a bit horrible an' that".

steve: (Chuckling) Which scientist said that?

karl: All right, let's- let's leave that one.

steve: That's a quote.

ricky: Right.

karl: I promised I'd--

ricky: That's not it?! That's not the other one?!

steve: (Laughing) That's it?

karl: N-n-n-no- no, that was- that was just, you know--

steve: Got another one to come?

ricky: Awww. I can't wait.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Tease us with the headline again. What was the headline again?

karl: The headline: "Oh, What A Cat-Toe-Strophe!".

steve: Looking forward to it.

karl: Bit of Mark?

steve: Yeah, bit of Mark Eitzel, this is from his, umm, covers album, this is called "Snowbird".

ricky: (Laughing) He's so happy that the XFM listeners understand his stupid clues! And he knows it annoys me.

steve: We've got some right answers for all the questions--

karl: We'll be- we'll be giving out the answers just quickly- just in case, uhh, someone, sort of missed one of 'em. I'll just quickly do 'em, yeah?

ricky: Yeah, go on.

karl: First one: "There's a load of letters--"

ricky: It's your show!

karl: "There's a load of letters there askin' for advice. Put 'em on Claire's desk."

ricky: "Oh, and merry Christmas."

karl: Uhh, "Ask your mom if you should."

ricky: "Oh, and merry Christmas."

karl: (Laughing) And, uhh, "A couple of people were arguing in the supermarket--"

ricky: It was Christmas, that's why.

karl: "At the fruit and veg counter", and that's B.

steve: Okay, we'll give those answers out shortly.

karl: Yeah.

steve: I just have to show you something, Rick, before we move on - I know we've got another "Educating Ricky" - but, uhh, someone just sent this in--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They've been looking on Ebay--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: For, Victoria Plum--

ricky: Your joking?

steve: Come here and see the photograph.

ricky: Oh God, that's fantastic!

ricky: Hold on.

steve: Have a look.

karl: Yeah, that's it.

ricky: Oh God, he got that for his mum!

steve: It's the worst piece of tat I've ever seen.

ricky: OOOH KARL! Y- oooh, Karl. Imagine how g- awww God.

steve: Gutted.

ricky: Imagine how- look- think of him now, right--

steve: (Laughing Slighty) Look, there it is!

ricky: (Laughing) OOH, that's the worst thing I've ever seen! I'll tell you what it lo- it looks like a Diddy Men gone wrong.

steve: It's extraordinary.

ricky: It looks like a Diddy Man prostitute.

ricky: That is--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) That's a- is that the one, Karl?

karl: That's the- well, it was a different color - it had a yellow hat, mine.

ricky: (Laughing) No, but look. How do they get- tell them they- they- go into ebay--

steve: Okay, so, umm- so you need to, ehh, log onto ebay.co.uk, I'm sure you've used it before, it's the online market place. E-B-A-Y.co.uk and if you type in "Victoria Plum", I'm assuming that you can track this down.

karl: There ya go, yeah.

ricky: That's amazing.

steve: It's the worst piece of rubbish I've ever seen.

ricky: Oh, just think how cute he was as a kid, though, doing that. Just think of him just going--

steve: (Laughing) Just the idea behind it!

ricky: Just sitting there thinking, "UHH, she likes gnomes"! (Laughing) It's the worst thing I've ever seen!

steve: I mean, to be fair- I mean, I don't know what her prize collection of gnomes looks like but I can't imagine they're much better than that. I mean, gnome's a fairly grotesque thing.

ricky: Awww.

steve: But certainly you mum's taste and discretion is- is--

ricky: Did you have any- did you ever- those houses on your estate, you'd go in there and it was just loads of those dolls, still in their packaging, all around the room... and sort of, like, one of those homes that keeps the, uhh, sort of packaging on the three piece suite?

steve: Why don't you buy another one for her for Christmas?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Because--

steve: It's 3.99, it looks, but that- that's 2.49 because that was dollars.

karl: Sure, I'll put up for it, then.

karl: Well...

ricky: Oh, buy it Karl.

karl: No, cuz I've got her a- I've sorted out her a passport this year anyway. I'll get her that next year. Right--

karl: Right. So listen, right--

ricky: Right. Okay.

karl: So, last "Educating Ricky" of the year--

ricky: Oohh, Christ.

karl: Uhhhm, "What A Cat-Toe-Strophe!"

ricky: Yeeah, let's do that, then.

karl: Right.

ricky: (Laughing) Victoria Plum.

karl: There's this woman, right.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: This woman, she's readin', uhh, Guiness Book Of Records--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And, uhhhm... she- she's flicking through--

ricky: Yeh.

karl: And she notices that there's a world record for a cat, right, with, uhh, 27, uhh, toes.

karl: So, she reads it and she thinks, "Well, that's not right!"... cuz her cat has got 28!

ricky: What do you mean her cat's got 28?

karl: Her cat- eh, her cat's got 28 toes.

karl: So, she was like, "Well, hang on a minute, mine should be in there." So there was like--

steve: I missed the very beginning of this.

karl: She- she was- she--

ricky: Just- just looking through the Guiness Book of Records, sees the record--

steve: Oh, a woman- A woman was looking through the Guiness Book of Records.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. The woman with a cat with 28 toes looking through and it said the record for, uhh, cat's toes was 27. She said, "Hold on."

ricky: "Hold on a minute, Ross McWhirter..."

ricky: "My cat's got one more than that cat." So, go on.

karl: Uhm, anyway, so she said, uhh, you know- the person doing the interview with her said, you know, "Is it happy?", and, uhh, she said, "Yeah, yeah", you know, "she d- it's great and it- it's really good in the snow"...

steve: Right. It gets through a lot of nail varnish.

karl: Well, yeah, that's- that's what it said, right. It said, "It's really good in the snow." So, I just was thinking--

karl: Uhh, I mean, that's it, really.

ricky: That's not it?

karl: That's the end of that story. But--

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: But what I'm thinking is, right--

ricky: It was two cats welded together.

karl: No, she- she said, uhh, you know, "It's happy"... so is there other, sort of, disabilities where... in a way, it's not all bad.

ricky: Oh Christ.

karl: No, do you know, like, that book Steve brought in for me?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And there was a fella there, wasn't they, who had three legs who was a juggler--

karl: And I was like, "What's the point of that?"

ricky: (Laughing) What do you mean, "What's the point of that"? What's the point of what?

karl: Well, he's not taking advantage of, uh, having three legs, is he, being a juggler.

ricky: (Giggling) He said he should be a footballer.

karl: Right, so--

karl: No, but in a way, he's used it, hasn't he? He's probably not even that good at juggling but because he's got three legs people have gone, "Well, I'll give him a chance. Let's go and see him anyway, see if he's any good."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right? So, what I'm thinking is: is there anything else- we've mentioned, uhh, the- the midgets today who are good at robbin' cars--

steve: Uh huh.

karl: Because they can get through the windows like "Dukes of Hazzard"--

ricky: Sorry- sorry- so listen- listen- I- I- look- um, I'd just like to say, just if the radio authority listening, we are in no way suggesting that one: midgets' forte in life is robbing cars--

karl: No- no.

ricky: Or that if you're a midget at home feeling sorry for yourself that you should go out robbin' cars--

karl: No.

ricky: I'd just like to say this is Karl Pilkington talking.

karl: No- no- no--

steve: The views of Karl Pilkington--

ricky: Do- s- s- yeah.

steve: Do not necessarily reflect those of XFM or us.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But, it was a TV program so it's not me, I'm just saying what I've seen on telly.

ricky: That you didn't see!

karl: That somebody told me about.

ricky: Yeah, so you could be wrong just like a lot of your spurious facts that you just see on the internet... you know.

karl: Well- well I'm just sayin'. So, is there anything else? We've seen the fella with three legs--

ricky: So what you're saying is, "Is there a disability that's actually an advantage?"

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Right, okay.

karl: Do you know what I mean? Steve mentioned about the disabled loo - they're always really roomy and, like, got multi-gym facilities in them.

ricky: Multi-gym facilities!!!

karl: No, do you know what I mean?

ricky: Multi-gym facilities!!! What do you mean Karl?!

karl: There's always bars everywhere and that, in't they?

steve: That's not parallel bars. That's to help them get up.

ricky: Yeah, they don't do gymnastics.

steve: They're not in there working out.

karl: Yeah, but I'm just- I'm just saying though, do you know what I mean, so, in a way, they- they've got that. So, always- what I'm saying is, when you- look on the brighter side. It's like Elephant Man would of never got up and gone, "Awww, look at me hair today".

ricky: Nor do you!

karl: No but, do you know what I mean?

ricky: (Laughing) Oh God!

karl: He would never have had that problem.

ricky: You're a maniac.

karl: Forget it.

ricky: N--

karl: I thought we might be a- get a serious discussion going here.

ricky: What- okay then... So, this is a serious discussion, is it?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Okay, well le- let's treat it sensitively then. If you really want a serious discussion and talk about whether there are some disabilities that are an advantage. Let- le- let's- let's- let's think of some then, shall we?

karl: Well, I've- I've said three already.

ricky: Yeah, you can't say, umm, uhhhh, "If you're deaf, umm, Bobby Davro won't annoy you". That doesn't count as an advantage, do you understand? Do you know what I mean?

steve: Karl's looking at you thinking, "That's brilliant!"

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: Well, we'll leave it then. I'll come up with a better feature for next year.

ricky: Ohhh.

karl: We'll bin that. We'll bin that.

karl: So--

ricky: Oh God.

steve: If you've got any disabilities--

ricky: "We'll bin that" like that was gonna be a feature!

steve: What, you were hoping that that was going to be a spinoff feature - "Disabilities That Are Actually An Advantage"?

karl: Well- well it's another form of "Do We Need 'Em?". It's like, uhh--

ricky: But Karl, think of it- it's like- it's like that joke: a bloke that has his- wakes up in hospital, he says, "Good news and bad news", he says, "Bad news is we've had to amputate both your legs" "What's the good news?", "Good news is the fella in the next bed wants to buy your slippers". See, that's not an advantage.

karl: Well...

ricky: It's a joke. That doesn't really happen. People don't go, "Ooh, that is good news."

ricky: "Yeeah, probably get a quid for 'em." Do you know what I mean?

karl: Yeah, but the fella with three feet, what would he do?

ricky: Well, he'd buy a pair and then just nick one of those because they put out one shoe, don't they? Of those- yeah, if you've only got one leg, you can nick shoes!

karl: Mmm.

ricky: Good point, Karl!

karl: Right, now I- now I'm gettin' you thinking.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, so we'll do "Rockbusters" answers next, then.

ricky: "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)" and all that.

steve: Indeed. Yeah.

ricky: Brilliant. Brilliant tune.

steve: Great tune and lovely sentiments.

ricky: Well I've- I've had a great time. I've had a great time. Uhh, merry Christmas, everybody. I hope we haven't offended you by some of Karl's rantings. Just think- just- just think of what he's gone through in his life.

karl: All right.

ricky: The Victoria Plum incident.

steve: Karl, I've got a little gift for you here, before we go.

karl: Oh, you're joking.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I haven't got you anything.

steve: Well, no, you haven't got your girlfriend anything--

steve: I wasn't expecting much!

steve: It's not- it's not, uhh, exciting but it's worth taking. In fact, why don't you just re-gift that straight away.

karl: It's all right. Cheers for that.

ricky: Cha- he didn't even looked at it.

steve: He hasn't even--

karl: Champagne. Champagne.

ricky: Yeah, that's not the champagne we got free from the BBC, is it?

steve: It's not, actually, no, Rick because, umm, that is far too good for the likes of Karl.

ricky: Oh, right.

steve: And I wasn't going to give it to him - he wouldn't appreciate it. That's just sparkling wine.

ricky: Oh, brilliant. Oh, he'll love that.

steve: Yeah, he- well, he doesn't really know the difference.

ricky: Um, um, I'm seeing Karl on Christmas Day cuz, uhh, he's around Christmas Day in London so I've- I'll get you a little gift then, Karl.

karl: All right.

ricky: That'll be good, won't it? It'll be a nice little--

steve: Okay answers. We must give the answers. "Rockbusters".

ricky: You will have to go to bed at six though, so we (Laughing) can play.

karl: Right, here's the last clues of the year. You had, uhhhh, "There's a load of letters there askin' for advice, put them on Claire's desk."

ricky: Go on, I've got no idea.

karl: That was F. That was For- Foreigner, For-Rayner. It's like--

ricky: I don't know what you mean.

karl: Claire Rayner. She took advice- she gave people advice, so that's For-reigner. For-Rayner.

ricky: I ca- that is SHIT.

karl: Right.

ricky: I'm sorry, it may be Christmas, that is absolute... aww.

steve: A lot of people got the right answer!

ricky: I know. Well that annoys me even more.

karl: Well- I- Well, the second one: "Ask your mam--"

ricky: Foreign-a. For-in-a.

karl: Umm, second one: "Ask your mam if you should". That was S. That was Shalamar.

steve: Shalamar?

karl: Shall-I-Ma, Shalamar. All right?

steve: Now bizarrely- what was the clue there?

karl: "Ask your mam if you should".

steve: Now, we've got a lot of people saying Smashing Pumpkins... as the answer to that.

steve: I don't know who's saying that to their mum... "Smashing pumpkins."

steve: Heh, "Merry Christmas, mum. Smashing pumpkins."

ricky: "Thanks very much! Nice bollocks!"

steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

ricky: (Laughing) Aww, that's great. That's great.

karl: Right.

ricky: (Laughing) Smashing Pumpkins!

ricky: "Your dad bought 'em for me, for Christmas."

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: (Laughing) Ahhh!

karl: And the last one--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) "Lovely plums."

steve: (Laughing) I mean Victorias.

ricky: Ohhh God!

karl: All right, we've gotta wrap it up. We've gotta wrap it up.

ricky: Come on then.

karl: Uhh, "A couple of people were arguing at the supermarket at the fruit and veg counter"--

karl: That was B. That was Bana-drama. They were, like, having an argument.

ricky and steve: What do you mean?!

ricky: "Bananadrama"? Wait- wait- wait- wait. What group is Bananadrama?! What group is Bananadrama?!

karl: (Laughing Slightly) So...

ricky: You're a fool! You're a... twat!

steve: Well, you say that, but you accuse, ehh- you accuse Karl of that, you also are accusing lots of the listeners including the winner--

karl: Yeah.

steve: Nicola Rogers of, uhh, London. And she wins those great prizes and she got them bang on, so...

ricky: "Bananadrama".

karl: So, can we finish there now?

ricky: Yeah. What do you mean- what do you mean, "Can we finish there now?"

karl: Just- just play the ads and go.

ricky: WHAT?!

steve: No, what- what are you talking about?! We're going to play Joni Mitchell--

ricky: Joni Mitchell, River.

karl: All right, we'll play that.

steve: We've been saying that all day!

karl: We'll play that then!

steve: Goodness me, Karl!

ricky: Look at you!

karl: We haven't got time!

steve: Merry Christmas, Karl.

ricky: Can't wait for Christmas, Karl.

steve: Enjoy the wine.

ricky: Let's give a- let's give a little kiss.

karl: Aww, ehh.

steve: Little kiss. With tongues. With tongues. It's Christmas.

karl: No, don't! Stop messin' about!

karl: GET OFF!

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