XFM Vault - S02E20 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Alright. Here we are then.

steve: Haha.

ricky: Haha. Scorpio Rising, Death in Vegas. On XFM, 104.9. Bout five past one, Saturday. Here we are again then. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

ricky: I can't believe our luck. Aww..

ricky: Alright, Karl?

karl: Alright.

ricky: Yep. So what we doing today then, producer ?

steve: Ha! Ah, sorry I always laugh instinctively when I hear Karl's name and that word.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right well, why's that? Because, it is... I had to come up with some new features again for this new year.

steve: Okay, I'm excited.

karl: What have you come up with?

steve: Haha. We are the backbone of this show, Karl.

ricky: Yeah, we're gunna... we'll tell you.. we've come up with some pretty.. what's yours first?

karl: Right.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Right well, Rockbusters.

ricky: That's old. That's not a new feature.

karl: Yeah but we'll keep it.

ricky: Right.

steve: So you're just keeping an old feature.

ricky: Okay. No it's an old favourite, I'm sure there's a lot of people out there going, 'phew I was worried that he'd lose Rockbusters'.

steve: Rick, I've just come up with a new idea, how about we just play some records that we like. There's a new idea for 2003.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Oh, d'you know what, we can't, Steve. Cause the library's out of order.

steve: Oh yeah the record library we can't get in there, we're not allowed to get in there.

ricky: We have to scrounge some from Capitol Gold.

karl: So anyway, right.

ricky: Go on.

karl: So we've got Rockbusters.

ricky: What are they doing with the library, are they getting some records in that we wanna play. Is that their new idea? I know, let's get some records in.

steve: Yeah they're thinning out the, uh, the Gina G.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Four Non-Blondes, goodbye. Give that to Foxie. Go on, sorry Karl.

karl: So we'll do, uh.. we started Do We Need 'Em in 2002.

steve: Do We Need 'Em. Of course.

ricky: Do We Need 'Em.

karl: We'll continue that.

ricky: Got a new one, haven't ya.

karl: I'll explain that later.

ricky and steve: Yep.

karl: Uh, and then the new stuff comes in.

ricky: Oooh.

karl: Right uh, as always I like to sorta get words and tweak 'em and stuff.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So I was thinking of doing something with uh.. there's a lot of weird rituals, isn't there.

steve: A lot of weird rituals?

karl: Yeah there's weird stuff going on around the world.

steve: Okay.

ricky: There is, yeah.

karl: Uh and I was gunna tweak that to Rick-tuals.

steve: Okay, alright.

ricky: Again, started with the title, the pun first then working out what it is.

karl: Well we'll find some weird stuff.

steve: Oh right, so it's specifically..

karl: Just stuff that goes on like, uh..

steve: Rick-tuals.

karl: There was uh..

ricky: Most of the weird stuff I've heard about happened to you in Manchester, in your early years.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Well in India apparently it's good to have uh, a flat head.

karl: So the uh..

ricky: Again, just flirting, just bordering on the racist but never really gets there, always, go on.

steve: Cause there's no intent.

ricky: There's no hate, there's no hate it's just clumsiness.

steve: It's just yeah, it's just ignorance.

ricky: It's stupidity, yeah.

steve: What d'you mean 'it's good to have a flat head'.

ricky: What'd'you mean 'it's good to have a flat head in India'?

karl: We'll talk about it later.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: That's Rick-tuals. So..

ricky: You've hooked a few people, you've hooked a few in. Go on.

karl: Right so we'll have that later.

steve: So, is this essentially like Educating Ricky only it's specifically about rituals? Is that, strictly speaking, what it is? Okay.

karl: I suppose so but then you could say radio is all the same 'cause it's people talking.

steve: Haha, okay Karl, brilliant comeback.

ricky: Yep, brilliant comeback. Not all talking nonsense, though.

karl: Well..

ricky: So that's where we're different. Go on.

karl: Uh also right, I like teaching you stuff..

ricky: Yeah, and you've done well..

karl: So what I'm thinking is rather than just touching on a topic, and sorta giving you a few bits of information on one topic..

ricky: See this is what I've had to do because the last thing you taught me, I remember was there was a blind girl, she hit her head and she could see, and that's all I got.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: So if you could go into that a little bit more, that would've been educating me.

karl: Well today we're featuring stuff on World War I and II.

steve: Blimey.

karl: Right so that's uh, that little title for all this little thing is, uh, 'War Do You Think of That Then?'

steve: 'War Do You Think of That Then?'

karl: So that's uh..

ricky: Play a record.

steve: Rick, can I, I just thought of a joke.

ricky: Go on.

steve: What's the similarity between Lord of the Rings and this show? They're both rubbish.

ricky: Watch That Man, David Bowie off Aladdin Sane, my favourite David Bowie album, what's yours Karl?

karl: Yeah that one, that one's good.

ricky: Brilliant. So um, we've got Rockbusters coming up. D'you wanna say what we've got to give away then, Steve?

steve: Not really, Rick.

ricky: Is it really bad?

steve: Well..

ricky: What's the film? What's the featured film?

steve: The featured film's not bad, I have to say actually, you've excelled yourself there, again it's just one of those things where I think, 'what kind of XFM listener would want this particular goody bag?'. I know before Christmas, Karl, you explained that the reason we were giving away..

ricky: Look at Karl, he's disgusted, he, he just said I do a lot of work to get this prizes and I went, 'no you didn't, I saw you, you went over to a drawer and went, 'I'll give that one, that one, and that one'. That's what work you put in; you knicked some.. There's about twelve Geri Halliwell videos, one of which we're giving away. It's sorta like..

steve: Oh Rick, you've given it away.

ricky: Oh no.

steve: Yeah, if you'd like Geri Halliwell's uh, Body Yoga DVD, that's one of the treats you can win. Um, but it doesn't like.. if you've noticed before Christmas he's said that he was giving away kind of a bumper pack of gifts that you might want to wrap up and give you various people..

ricky: Oh, one for uncle, yeah.

steve: One for uncle, one for aunty, but obviously Christmas has passed so I don't know really what you're excuse is this time.

karl: Well you eat a lot over Christmas, don't you? Get a bit fat?

steve: Fair point.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So um, yeah Geri Body Yoga is one of them. The recent, on DVD the recent season of Readers Own Pet.

ricky: (very underwhelmed) Huh.

steve: Yeah, I think that reaction, could you give me that reaction again, please.

ricky: Well no I just..

steve: Just give me that reaction again.

ricky: Mmm. Huh.

steve: Yep. Brilliant. And actually I have to say this isn't bad at all, this is the Very Best of the Stone Roses CD compilcation.

ricky: Well you can't knock that.

steve: I tell you want to should play Elephant Stone at some point..

ricky: Yeah go on, I'll have that, go on.

steve: Madness, I think this is actually tunes from them and not from the musical, although it is tied in to the musical..

ricky: He went to see that musical.

steve: Really?

karl: Yeah on New Years, uh yeah it's like on New Year's Day there's nothing to do.

steve: Sure.

ricky: So you go and see some people doing Madness songs.

karl: No I took Suzanne out for a walk, right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Went round uh, Covent Garden.

steve: Right.

karl: Past the place where it was on.

steve: The stage door was open, you snuck in.

karl: Madness are alright. And, because you think about it, Madness songs are quite sorta musical anyway, aren't they, so you can't..

steve: They're quite musical?

karl: D'you know what I mean, they're sort of..

ricky: He means they're _like_ a musical.

steve: Oh I see, right.

ricky: They're like a musical. Knees Up Mother Brown. Yeah.

karl: I thought it was alright, I enjoyed it.

steve: So what then..

ricky: Blur the Musical would be good, wouldn't it?

steve: Blur the Musical would be excellent.

ricky: Yeah, little cockney sparrow.

steve: So what you bought tickets there and then and just went in?

karl: Yeah.

steve: They're not selling, are they?

karl: Uh, it was fairly quiet cause we only paid the lower price and got upgraded for free.

steve: Nice.

karl: So..

steve: You enjoyed it though, did you?

karl: Yeah I loved it.

ricky: 'And would anyone like to come on stage with us?'

ricky: 'The little bald fella'. (in Manc accent) 'Yeah go on, I'll give a go'.

steve: 'And uh, what home are you from?'

ricky: 'Where are, what are you doing tomorrow?' 'Well I'm going (inaudible)' 'No, you're coming here tomorrow. Come here tomorrow.'

steve: Was it not, is it not doing well? That's a disappointment.

karl: I don't know, I mean it was New Year's Day so maybe that's why it was quiet.

steve: Okay well if uh, if anyone hasn't seen this or didn't receive a Christmas..

ricky: As Bono said, 'all is quiet on New Year's Day', Karl.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Um, also we've got to give away, Minority Report, by uh..

ricky: I like that. I enjoyed that.

steve: Steve Speilburg, with Tom Cruise, which is on VHS.

ricky: Good rip-roaring sort of film that.

steve: It's not bad, that's probably the best thing we're giving away but uh, as I say we can always leave some out if you don't want..

ricky: 'I'm arresting you for the future murder of Sarah Marks'.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Brilliant. That's the sort of excitement and drama you'll be getting in it. A little taster there.

karl: It's not brand new, I got that off Paul Anderson. He said here's something to watch over Christmas, so I watched it..

steve: So you actually watched this already?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Alright.

ricky: Oh.

karl: Have I rewound it?

ricky: That's probably added to it though.

steve: No you haven't.

ricky: It's been touched by the great man himself, Karl Pilkington.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it's alright I'd say, it's worth a watch.

steve: Yeah. D'you want to give us a quick film review?

ricky: Just give it a quick wipe-down, they might be some tripe on it.

steve: Haha, yeah.

karl: Umm.. bit unrealistic.

steve: Sure.

ricky: 'Bit unrealistic'?! Genius.

steve: A man can, who finds people who can see into the future.

ricky: Where as, Our House, that really happened.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: God. Play a record.

steve: Anyway, prizes we're giving away. Wnat's the competition, it's Rockbusters isn't it.

karl: We're doing Rockbusters.

steve: We're still doing Rockbusters, ahh I'm looking forward to that.

karl: We'll do that in like, fifteen minutes.

ricky: I need a bit of Coldplay first, I do, I..

steve: Really?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Ahh, beautiful.

ricky: Coldplay, The Scientist. I think they wrote that about Karl.

steve: Yes.

ricky: On XFM, 104.9. Right I'm Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: Can I just ask Karl how he got on over Christmas? Because the last time I spoke to him, you hadn't bought a present for your girlfriend. I have to say I was on tenterhooks all Christmas.

karl: Well you changed it. After that show I felt bad, even though I shouldn't have done, because..

steve: Because you hadn't bought your girlfriend a Christmas present.

karl: Yeah but I said to you, I booked a table at a hotel in Covent Garden, we had Christmas dinner there which was nice, alright. It's good food and everything.

steve: Doesn't feel like enough to me.

karl: Well then I went out a treated her to some stuff and then..

ricky: No no no; the couple of days before Christmas, he went, 'uh I took Suzanne to that hotel we're gunna go to for Christmas dinner. We had tea and cakes'. And I went 'oh you treated her', he went 'no, she paid for it but I was just showing her what it was going to be like'.

ricky: That was her extra treat, she paid for it. I love that.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: Yeah, well it was a bit, it was like a hundred and fifty quid for a meal for two, which is pretty dear. So I'm not gunna buy her cakes as well.

ricky: I love that. 'Alright love, have whatever you want, have your own pudding, I'm not mental'.

steve: Yeah. So you treated her to some other stuff.

karl: Yeah some bits and bobs.

steve: What so she bought, she chose them and you paid for them.

karl: What? The presents?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Or you chose them and she paid for them, you know, it's the thought that counts.

karl: No I got them on the way home that Saturday.

ricky: Well done.

steve: So what'd you buy?

karl: Well just some bits.

ricky: Might be personal, Steve.

steve: Well I don't care.

karl: Just little bits.

steve: Yeah but, leave out the personal bits, what bits?

karl: Uh just little things and then yesterday..

ricky: A monkey wrench and a new washer for the shower.

steve: Haha, yeah. Some recordable CDs that you need for your job.

ricky: Ahh dear.

steve: So uh, when you gave those presents to her, did her face light up?

karl: Right, I don't want to tell you what they were, right, but she wasn't that impressed.

ricky: You're gunna tell us what they were now, Karl.

steve: You have to tell us what they are.

karl: You even know what they are, she told you on Christmas day.

ricky: Hold on, wait a minute.

karl: But it doesn't matter what they are.

steve: It does matter what they are.

karl: No it doesn't.

steve: It does, Karl, it's you mate, of course it matters.

karl: It doesn't matter.

ricky: (loudly) Oh god!

steve: Have you just remembered?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right but don't, there's no need..

ricky: I've got to tell him Karl. I.. I really want your permission cause I don't wanna be a, you know I know it's not.. it's not that embarrassing it's really quite sweet..

karl: Yeah but in a way, right..

karl: The way I look at it is, Christmas, even when I was a little kid, right, it's not what..

ricky: Please let me tell him, Karl.

karl: Well let me just tell you first, let me tell you why I didn't go all out on the whole present front.

steve: Right. Justify yourself.

ricky: Oh god.

karl: First of all.. I've covered it up since then anyway, with that present because I bought her some shoes yesterday. And she did say 'I'll give you the money for them' but I got home I said 'it's alright'. I said 'you can have them'.

karl: So, not only did I buy her some food on Christmas Day, I got her shoes, she's probably had a total of..

ricky: He's treated her like a horse.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It's sort of like, yeah there you go, there's your shoes, there's your food, right. Bed down, see you later.

karl: Yeah but, what I'm saying is, she's done..

steve: I have fed and clothed her.

ricky: Yeah, did you comb her hair?

karl: She's done well this year, right.

steve: (amused) 'She's done well this year'. It's like your a single parent living on a council estate with a smack problem.

steve: And you still manage to buy her some Lego.

ricky: Okay can I..

karl: When I was a kid, it wasn't about what you got. I remember one year when I was about eight..

ricky: Oh this is gunna make me cry isn't it, this. Go on.

karl: No it's not, I'm just saying the way it is, right. I woke up at about four in the morning and I was like 'oh what have a got', and I couldn't sleep I was that on edge. It's the excitement of Christmas, isn't it, it's like 'oh what's wrapped up, I need to know'.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So it's the fact that people say 'no, you won't know until tomorrow'. That annoys you winds you up. So I got up at four in the morning, open me presents, and then went 'right I know now', went back to bed, had a great sleep. So it's nothing to do with the excitement of what you get, it's the excitement of not knowing what you've got.

ricky: And then what happened when you got up to go down with the presents?

steve: But hang on, so what you're saying to me is that, you could wrap up a brick because the thrill of Christmas is in hoping, and being excited about what it is, not the actual gift itself.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Is that what you did? Rick, did she get a brick?

ricky: No, let me tell him now, what he got. He got her her present right and she came around and she said 'yeah he got me'... it was, an industrial-sized packet of condoms.

steve: It was a joke gift.

karl: No it wasn't a joke..

ricky: No it wasn't a joke gift.

steve: It wasn't even a joke?

karl: I went home that Saturday after here, past Boots, thought 'they'll have something in here'. They were on, like, some value.

steve: Right you passed the make-up..

ricky: What about used?

steve: You passed the make-up, you passed all the other..

ricky: Passed the make-up, passed the lovely vanity cases, yeah the foot spas, yeah hold on, hold on, how much are these, love, for a hundred? 'Four ninety-nine'.

steve: Haha yeah. 'Do I get it reduced if I buy it in bulk?'

ricky: So how many did you buy, what was it?

karl: I dunno, probably about a hundred.

ricky: Right okay..

steve: Is she allowed to use those with anyone?

ricky: Did you wrap them?

karl: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Can she just go out and have a wild time with that?

ricky: Well you don't need to wrap them, they're already wrapped, aren't they. And then what did she say when she opened them?

steve: I'm just..

ricky: Wait wait, I'm.. Karl, what did she say?

steve: Play a record and we'll come back to this.

steve: You're worse than my father, that's genius.

steve: Made famous of course by Jimi Hendrix, that's All Along the Watchtower there, that was originally done by Mister Bob Dylan.

ricky: On XFM, 104.9.

steve: So Karl, just, take us through the moment where you gave this gift..

ricky: So you went into Boots, right you thought, 'right, hundred condoms', brilliant. Did you wrap them?

karl: I dunno if it was a hundred, it was probably like.. eighty.

ricky: Right okay. Yeah, you don't wanna go mad, do you?

karl: Wrapped them up..

steve: You know I'm just resting easy knowing that he's not trying to breed.

karl: Right. So uh, I got her them, I got her Grease on DVD, cause she's always watching that.

ricky: Yeah. So just think of when her mum said, 'so what did Karl get you'. 'Some condoms and Grease'.

steve: I was just gunna say, I'm glad he said 'on DVD'.

karl: And uh, she was surprised anyway right because..

ricky: Yeah I bet she was. She was thinking like jewellery..

karl: No.

ricky: That showed her.

ricky: (inaudible)

steve: So hang on a minute..

ricky: You thought it was a holiday, didn't you? Yeah haha, look at your face.

steve: 'You don't know me at all'.

steve: So, hang on, did you give her these on Christmas Day?

karl: Right, what happened is, she got in from work that Saturday, and I said 'look under the tree'..

ricky: Knackered, but at least it's Christmas, yeah go on..

karl: I said 'I put some stuff under the tree', right..

karl: So that was fine..

ricky: Did you give her a sugar lump?

karl: Right, she was really chuffed with that, but she said.. she was a bit puzzled, I didn't know we had any wrapping paper so I ended up using wallpaper.

ricky: You didn't take it off the wall, though, you got some..

karl: No it was some left over, right so she said 'why have you used wallpaper', and I said well 'you didn't have any paper and you were getting in in a bit so I wanted you to have a surprise. So she said 'can I have a feel of them'..

karl: I said no..

steve: The presents?

ricky: She thought right, I've got the right thing.

karl: And uh, Christmas Day, I said 'no don't get carried away it's nothing really good, you know we said we weren't going to buy each other much. So there you go, open them'. And uh..

steve: Can I just ask, had you received your present from her yet?

karl: Yeah.

steve: So what had you received?

karl: Um, what did I have; had some shoes..

steve: Nice.

karl: Getaway game for PlayStation, which is alright.

ricky: I'm just tot'ing up the value of this, alright go on.

steve: And also thinking how much fun and pleasure you get from this. Although of course condoms I can see, see the appeal.

ricky: Okay so I think..

karl: But also add up to that a hundred and fifty quid for a meal. If you're gunna start tot'ing up, hundred and fifty quid for a meal, I bought her some shoes, seventy-two quid.

steve: Yeah that was after the event, though.

karl: Doesn't matter.

steve: Alright so you'd received these, dare I say it, thoughtful and nice gifts. You handed over the box of condoms, they were wrapped up, she unwrapped them, go on take us through it.

karl: Yeah well, it's not something you play with on Christmas morning.

ricky: Oh God.

steve: But when she opened them, what did she..

ricky: What did she say? What did she say?

karl: Well I wrapped them twice, as well, so she thought it was something really good.

ricky: Extra protection.

karl: And uh..

ricky: 'So she thought it was something really good'.

steve: So the disappointment would be doubled.

ricky: Yeah go on.

karl: And she just opened it and went 'yeah.. what on the telly?'. And that was that.

ricky: Oh, ungrateful, what an ungrateful woman that is.

karl: I told her..

ricky: Fancy not wanting a box of economy condoms from Boots.

karl: I said to her the thing about the thing, you know it's all about the surprise and that isn't it.

steve: You explained that to her. What, after she'd unwrapped it?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Thoughtful.

karl: And she was alright about it.

ricky: Yeah. She understood.

steve: Rick, you know I suggested to him that he buy his girlfriend a gift, I'm worried I've done more damage to the relationship by suggesting that than if he had just forgotten.

ricky: Next time you've got to go shopping for her yourself, Steve.

steve: I think I might do.

ricky: You'd better go shopping for her yourself.

karl: Yeah I'm glad it's all over though really, it's mental. It annoys me, the whole thing annoys me, and she knows that as well.

ricky: She should know, what and she still insists on having Christmas once a year? Well, I'm, you know..

karl: No but, Well anyway, what did you get?

steve: I can't think what you bring to the relationship, Karl. I don't know what she's getting from you in this relationship. It's like she doing all the work..

ricky: Well we know.

ricky: Eighty times. Oh God, Karl. I love it, you're brilliant. I know what she's getting, he's the, he's the..

steve: What, though, he's not thoughtful.

ricky: No but he is thoughtful, it's the best he can do with the brain that he's got, d'you know what I mean?

steve: Right.

ricky: He's doing his best. He's absolutely doing his best. There's no..

steve: He's working at the limits of his powers.

ricky: D'you know what I mean, though, he's done as well as he can with what he was given. And that's admirable. It's like, I think he's done better than you'd expect. I bet his teachers didn't even think he'd get this far, d'you know what I mean?

steve: What, find a girl?

ricky: Yeah well a job, a girl, d'you know what I mean, clothe himself, he's done really well. What d'you think, Karl? You think you've done well?

karl: I think I've done alright compared to some of me mates.

ricky: What are they doing now?

karl: Probably not that much. D'you know what I mean, Mrs Matthews said I wouldn't be a high-flyer, I think I'm doing alright. D'you know what I mean, I have a holiday every year. Got somewhere to live, and that.

ricky: Yeah. Got a new flat, haven't you.

karl: Yeah so..

steve: So where are they then, the condoms, are they, did she show them to her family and friends? Take them into work, 'look what Karl got me'?

karl: No, I'm surprised she told Ricky actually, I was a bit disappointed in that. Cause I didn't go shouting around..

steve: Well was excited about it, Karl, clearly. She's just so pleased and proud.

ricky: Alright, play a record, we'll come back to it.

karl: No that's it now.

ricky: Streets. Don't Mug Yourself, XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant. Karl Pilkington, a regular Santa Claus, isn't he?

karl: No leave it.

ricky: Ahh dear. So, Rockbusters.

karl: Rockbusters, first one of the year.

ricky: D'you want to explain it in case you've got some new listeners. Might have.

steve: Unlikely. Unlikely.

karl: Right, first one. Fourty-two pound for a torch, that's a bit pricey. Uh that's D.

steve: Just give us that again.

karl: Right, Fourty-two pound for a torch, that's a bit pricey, isn't it.

ricky: Little bit of enhancement. (inaudible)

karl: That's D. Second one, he'll fit some chocolate to your feet.

steve: Say that again.

karl: He'll fit some chocolate to your feet.

karl: So that's A. And the third and final one, do you think your kid will get that strawberry for me.

steve: Say it again.

karl: Do you think your kid will get that strawberry for me. That's W.P.

ricky: Right now I better warn people, you really got to get into the mindset of Karl here; these are not real cryptic clues, these are not cryptic clues that you do in The Guardian, or the Times crossword. There's usually something wrong with them, he's usually, um, what's the word, um, completely changed the word in order to make it fit, often. So just be careful. Don't be surprised.

ricky: Richard Ashcroft. Science of Silence. Steve, if there was a record of the week, that would be my record of the week.

steve: You're a big fan of it, aren't you.

ricky: That's what I'm saying.

steve: Yeah. Let's make it record of the week.

ricky: Yeah, that's record of the week. Richard Ashcroft. Science of Silence.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Noone gives us anything anyway, these pluggers they come in, we get things like homemade bands that they've pressed it in their garage, you can hear their mum in the background going 'what you doing?'. 'Mum, we're recording this for XFM'. 104.9, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Karl, what have you got for us.

steve: I was just thinking, the irony is we're the only people on this station that play their own records, aren't we?

karl: No there's louds of people who do.

steve: Rubbish.

karl: John Kennedy plays what he wants.

steve: Yeah but he's on during the night.

ricky: Exactly he's on at three o'clock in the morning, noone's up.

karl: Zoe, on Drive, she plays some stuff.

ricky: What d'you mean, what's she play?

steve: Fatboy Slim probably. 'Here's another remix, I won't say who it's by'.

karl: Christian plays some of his own.

ricky: Does he?

steve: Yeah they're probably novelty songs, aren't they, by him.

karl: Right listen, yeah new year and all that.

ricky: He's great, isn't he. Really.

karl: Rockbusters is on the way, we're getting some good stuff coming in.

steve: I have to say, I'm amazed. Every answer I've had so far has been correct. I listened to the clues, I've got no idea. And I know you, Karl, I've spent time with you, I know how you work.

ricky: Have you seen the XFM listeners? Well of course they're the same as Karl. Of course they've got the same mindset.

steve: Yeah. So what did you do for New Year, incidentally.

karl: Well I met.. I cocked it up a bit.

ricky: You're joking mate, go on.

karl: I went and booked a table..

steve: You got the wrong day.

karl: Booked a table at a restaurant that was shut.

steve: What?

karl: I booked a table at a restaurant, and the one that I called it wasn't the one, the call had been diverted. So Suzanne said 'call them up and see what they're serving', right, cause I forgot to do that when I booked the table.

ricky: That's great.

karl: Cause the thing is, right, it's a restaurant in Covent Garden, and they've got one in Victoria. But when they answered and they said, 'Nanananana, Victoria', I thought that was the person who was answering the phone. D'you know how some people say their name.

steve: Right.

karl: So then when I called them up and said 'what are you serving'..

ricky: You thought he sounded a bit funny.

karl: Right, so..

steve: I'm confused, Karl, but probably no more than you would've been on the..

ricky: Right, it was a branch of a.. okay, it was a branch of a.. he doesn't want to give the restaurant away.. so he phoned it up, there's one in Covent Garden, they answered the phone..

steve: So the restaurant's not called 'Nanananana'.

ricky: No, no they said 'Nanananana, Victoria'..

steve: Why can't we name the restaurant?

ricky: I don't know why, it's not libelous.

steve: Are we scared that, are you scared that people are gunna sort of see you in there because it's your regular haunt?

karl: No it's just that, you know, you've got to pay stuff, haven't you. I mean it..

steve: Okay so you..

karl: I could have mentioned them before New Year but it's not in our favour now, is it.

steve: ..so did you go all the way to the restaurant to find out that it was closed?

karl: No-no-no, what happened is, I called up..

steve: Was that the name of the restaurant again?

ricky: Right, the restaurant's called Christopher's. They've got one in Covent Garden, they've got one in Victoria. He phoned up, he wanted to book, it's a lovely restaurant, I've been they often, I recommended it to him. He phones up, can I have a table for New Years, he said, 'no problem, sir', right? And then Suzanne says 'oh, we'd better call up, see if they've got an haddock on the menu', and he went 'hello', and they went 'hello, Christopher's Victoria', and he went 'Victoria?'. They went 'yeah', he went 'oh, no'. That's it, isn't it.

karl: So then, I just said no, forget it. I'm not going all the way over there. So I cancelled it, right. So then I called up Suzanne and said I've made an error, the place we were going to is shut..

ricky: Was she surprised again or?

karl: ..so we're not going, and she 'oh, try some others places' and I did and they were all booked up. Right, I was fed up anyway, I hate New Year it's always like this, isn't it. So..

steve: You know the common factor in all these stories - you hate Christmas, you hate birthdays, you hate New Year - is you.

ricky: Is you, yeah.

karl: So, I said 'I'll sort something out', so I went to Tesco..

ricky: Leave it with me. Went to Tesco, Boots was shut, got her a lovely plate of condoms.

steve: Did you just stay in and play with her birthday gift?

ricky: Blowing them up? 'Look, I've done some balloons'.

karl: Well it was, we did stay in, and I watched that thing, you know, Hundred Greatest Moments, which was annoying me. Do you see uh, there was a nudist on it? You know how I feel about them.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Did you see him?

ricky: Man with two knobs.

karl: There was a man with two knobs on it, and a nudist who uh, just like wonders about the house..

ricky: But it said, when he visits people, they, I was thinking, who let's him visit? And go, well you.. but he must go there with trousers on and go, 'hello, lovely to see you, can I just pop all these off?', 'well not really, no'.

karl: And I tell you what annoyed me the most, he had a white sofa. If you were a nudist you'd get a darker one.

karl: So anyway right, we ended up watching that. That annoyed me, and then I was tired by about eleven, and I said 'oh let's go to bed', and she said 'you can't', and that annoys me, the fact that - because it's New Year - you got to stay up, and it's like well why? Can't we just, they should bring it forward, so that in case you want an early night..

ricky: Quarter to ten.

karl: Yeah well you stay up and it's like my eyes were dead heavy, and it's like (sighs) I wanna go to sleep, (mumbles) just stay up and then it's midnight and you go happy New Year, and then you go to bed.

steve: Well not everyone, Karl, some people have a little party.

karl: (mumbles) So it's over with anyway.

steve: Sorry, are you eighty-six years-old?

karl: It just, gets on me nerves.

steve: D'you ever enjoy, I can't, you never seem to have any fun, Karl. This is what disappoints, this is what worries me, I feel like you're gunna die young, you know.

ricky: You're here, Karl, with us two, we got three.. as I was just saying to Steve we've got three of the greatest comedy minds ever in one room, as Steve pointed out, since The Goodies.

steve: True.

ricky: D'you know what I mean?

steve: It should be Party Central.

karl: So anyway right, this is when I spent time thinking of new ideas. So that's when I came up with, uh what did I come up with.. Rick-tuals.

ricky: Ah, this is about 'it's good to have a flat head in India'.

steve: And just brush past that again.

karl: It's good to have a flat head in India.

ricky: Is that it?

karl: Uh well what they do is they put wood 'round your head, and so of clamp it, and the flatter head you've got apparently the more attractive, in some part of India, I can't remember. So that's like a Rick-tual.

ricky: See I don't know where to start with this.

steve: No.

karl: Well leave it. We'll be doing that, well we've done it. That's our first week.

ricky: That's what happened this week!

karl: So, we've also got Do We Need 'Em, which we've carried on from last year. Which is finding out, you know, what animals we need in the world, which ones we can get rid of, and I'll be talking to experts and that, finding that out. We're doing Rockbusters, that's underway, we're getting emails in. And uh, War Do You Think of That Then?.

ricky: I love this, that he treats this show like it's a checklist of what he's got to pack for holiday, d'you know what I mean, he'd just go, 'suncream? yeah'. It's sort like, it's done, look at his face.

karl: No but I try to come up with stuff that people will remember go 'oh that's interesting, I'll tell me mates that in the pub'. Another one I'm thinking of doing, you know the film 'Around the World in 80 Days'? 'Around the World in 80 Gervais', and what I do, I give you like, little things, little bits of information about countries, so that if you go you'd go like, 'oh I don't wanna go there'..

ricky: I.. this is a terrible thing to say and I apologise, I can't think of the P.C. word for this, but I think Karl is slightly retarded.

steve: Yes. Yeah I was just thinking the same, yeah. Is there something we can do about that, is there..

ricky: Just play a record, just keep the talking..

steve: Can we get ourselves registered as a charity?

ricky: Chuckles. I think so.

steve: Badly Drawn Boy. Born Again. On XFM 104.9.

ricky: Sorry I was just looking to see if that's a new single, it looks like it probably is, Rick, if that's of interest to you.

karl: Yeah it is, it's a new one.

ricky: So, the first of our regular features with Karl, we've got Rockbusters, that's rolling. There's people coming in with, they're getting them right, I don't understand it myself.

steve: Well as ever, Rick, you'll be amazed and confounded.

ricky: So I don't know the answers and I haven't looked at the answers, but it's just like that moment, it's like when you go down Christmas and you're excited about a present and it's like, some condoms. You know (mumbles) I love that moment.

steve: I just, I don't know how he's going to top that next year.

ricky: I don't know how he's gunna top that. All I can think of, is some corn plasters.

ricky: Um, right..

steve: It's alright, love, the batteries are included.

ricky: 'Got you a pumice stone'. Right, now, Do We Need 'Em.

karl: It's something we started a few weeks ago. Always talking about animals and insects and that, and uh it's like you know, if you took an animal out of the world, would we have problems?

steve: Would it make any difference.

karl: Would it make any difference.

ricky: We did jellyfish last time, didn't we. We sorted that out.

karl: This woman said we've got to keep them.

ricky: We do need them 'cause turtles eat them.

karl: Yep. So I've moved on; octopus.

steve: Do we need the octopus? Let's find out.

karl: I'm working through a lot of animals, right, that.. finding out whether we need them or not.

fish shop guy: Right.

karl: Cause like, jellyfish to me, I'm a bit puzzled by them I don't really know why we need jellyfish and I spoke to some expert.

fish shop guy: Turtles eat them.

karl: Yeah I know, but do we need turtles. D'you know what I mean it goes on and on, doesn't it.

fish shop guy: Do we need humans?

karl: Yeah well, I mean, I might get to that bit. But I need to sort out the animals first, I've got a lot on. So, the thing is, I've let the jellyfish, I know we need them. So, octopus, right I know they're pretty brainy.

fish shop guy: Incredibly brainy.

karl: Uh, a story that I heard I don't know if it's true, but there was some science lab somewhere, where they had some octopus in it and they had some crabs.. And at night, the octopus was like getting a bit bored on it's own in the dark and that, and they sort of come alive in the dark, don't they.

fish shop guy: Yeah.

karl: They like the dark. And the octopus had had its eye on the crabs, and at night when it's dark I was getting out of its little cage, crawling along the floor, getting in the crab's cage, getting them out and eating them.

fish shop guy: I don't doubt it. We put jam jars with the lids on with crabs in, and they'll open the jam jar and..

karl: You're joking?

fish shop guy: Yeah.

karl: Even I sometimes struggle with them.

fish shop guy: Yeah well you don't do.. you don't do it really tight but..

karl: Alright so they're not that clever then.

fish shop guy: Well they would, if they were strong enough they would open it but they're just not that strong.

karl: Well that's mad. Right I also know that, uh if they get hungry they eat their own legs.

fish shop guy: Yeah.

karl: Yeah?

fish shop guy: Yeah.

karl: They're deaf.

fish shop guy: Well.. I don't know, uh I don't really know. I mean they don't live very long.

karl: Uh, they can squash themselves into small jugs.

fish shop guy: Oh yeah they can do into a demi jar, through the narrow neck.

karl: Why do they need to do that?

fish shop guy: Cause they're the sort of crevices and holes where they're hunting for crabs and things through.

karl: So, would they be better if they were smaller? (pause) D'you know what I mean?

fish shop guy: I don't know, I really don't know.

karl: Yeah. Well octopus then, if Noah said to you, you know, we're having a clear-out, we've got too many animals to look after and that in the sea, taking up too much room..

fish shop guy: Right.

karl: Do we need them?

fish shop guy: I think there's other less useful things in the sea than octopus. Limpets, they could go.

karl: Limpets?

fish shop guy: Yeah they just sit on a rock and do nothing for, fifty years.

karl: But they're not getting in the way then, how big are they?

fish shop guy: Oh.. not very big.

karl: Yeah you see I might come round to them but, I never think 'oh', you know, 'I'm sick of seeing these limpets'. Where as octopus, you know, crawling about opening jam jars and that.

fish shop guy: You'd never see them, though, they're really rare. We get two or three caught a year they're, you know, it's quite amazing.

karl: Do we need them?

fish shop guy: Yeah.

karl: Yeah?

fish shop guy: Yeah. Well we'll just have to keep them then.

ricky: I love that, that Karl can confuse a scientist.

steve: Yeah, yeah cause all systems of logic break down.

ricky: I know, even the scientist was going, 'oh, get rid of limpets'.

steve: Yeah, and who was that guy?

karl: Uh, think his name was Chris.

steve: And where was he from?

karl: In a place called Megavissey (sic) where I went one year.

ricky: (correcting Karl) Mevagissey.

steve: And is he a uh, he's a scientist is he?

karl: Think he's got a fish shop or something like that.

steve: 'He's got a fish shop'?

ricky: No he's doesn't really he's got..

karl: Like an aquarium-type place.

steve: Oh right. 'A fish shop'.

steve: A fish and chip shop.

ricky: I wouldn't put it past him that he uh, a winkle stall. He's got a winkle stall at (?) Harbour.

steve: That's an expert.

ricky: Oh dear.

karl: What have you learnt from that then?

ricky: Well, that.. we don't know whether they're deaf or not because the scientist, the bloke in the chip shop couldn't confirm it.

steve: Chuckles.

ricky: Um, they eat their own legs.. think of that.

karl: It's a bit weird.

steve: They eat their own legs?

karl: They eat their own legs if they get hungry.

steve: Right.

karl: And they grow back, don't they?

ricky: I think so, yeah.

karl: If you, if you eat one it'd grow back. And yeah, you can put them in little jars and that, if we wanted to. Uh.. it's just a bit weird, isn't it, it's like um.. no, but it's like you know people have a go about being cruel to animals and that. But what he was saying there is, right, what they've watched an octopus do.. they've got hold of a crab, and that'll be being stressed out because it's out of the water.

ricky: Chuckles.

steve: Yeah.

karl: They've stressed it out even more by putting it in the jar, which it didn't like. And then, an octopus is crawling about on the jar, and the crab knows that the octopus wants to eat it. So then it's having more frets cause of that. And then, they let the octopus eat it.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I think that's pretty..

steve: Do we need crabs?

karl: Uh..

ricky: Do them next week, yeah?

karl: Well I want to sort out snails first.

ricky: Right. What's your pitch with snails, what d'you know about snails?

karl: I know that um.. bats eat them. They can sleep for thirteen years.

ricky: Oh right, he told..

karl: Can you believe that?

ricky: He said to me, 'snails can sleep for thirteen years', and I went 'right'. He went, 'oh thing is though, if it was a scientist and he was looking at it and he put it in a quiet place, it might well doze off'.

ricky: He said, 'it wouldn't be the same if it lived on the streets'. And then went onto a whole thing about homeless, he wants to do a game show with celebrities being homeless for a week.

karl: What d'you think?

steve: Actually I've got to say, that's not bad at all.

karl: It's not bad is it.

steve: No.

karl: D'you know how like, Lenny Henry went to the jungle, right, and you've got uh, who else did it. Joanna Lumley did it.

steve: Joanna Lumley went on a desert island.

karl: Made slippers out of a bra.

karl: Right, so I'm thinking like, get a celebrity and say to them.. no just because right, I'll tell you why, I'll try you why all this came about. When I was walking back from that Christmas meal that I bought me girlfriend for a hundred and fifty quid..

steve: Lest we forget.

karl: Right, I was walking down Morton Street and there was a homeless fella there, and it was like 'oh', you know, 'it's really bad', and the weird thing is.. it was about, I dunno probably about eight o'clock, no, about nine, and he was asleep. And I just thought do homeless people ever think, I think I'll have an early one tonight. Right that's what got me thinking it's a bit weird the whole lifestyle of it, the fact that he had an early night.

ricky: I like the fact that.. d'you think it's a bit weird that he's sleeping not in a home, but on the street.

karl: No it's just that if I..

ricky: Interesting, interesting.

karl: ..was homeless, I'd stay up quite late. Because, it's not nice. D'you know what I mean?

ricky: What are you talking about?

karl: Just being homeless isn't a good thing, is it.

ricky: No.

karl: People forget how bad it is.

ricky: Yeah. But surely, sleeping gets you out of reality. They sleep cause they're tired, they can't sleep very well so they need all the sleep they can get.

karl: Yeah but sleeping's nice if you've got a nice big bed.

ricky: What, you think they can go, 'I'll stay up, I'll go to bed at two, I'll go straight to sleep and I'll pop up at eight, when the alarm clock goes off'.

karl: Well that's just what I was thinking. So I was thinking how bad it is, you know especially this time of year..

ricky: Yeah, it's terrible, it's like the worst thing.

karl: And to sort of give it some publicity and get a bit of help behind it, get celebrities, someone like Phil Mitchell maybe, off Eastenders who's a big fella, he can look after himself. Put him in a shop doorway. Have some cameras set far away in a building or something.

steve: Yep.

karl: They can film him, and it's up to him how he raises money for food to eat..

steve: He could sign autographs.

karl: Well they wouldn't know him though would they, because you never look at a homeless person..

ricky: Who could you get, you could get uh.. what's her name, Gail Porter..

steve: Yep.

ricky: Gaby Roslin.. Narinda from Big Brother.. uh who else would do it.. Les Dennis I reckon would do it..

steve: I've got a game show idea called On the Game, and what happens is..

steve: ..you get Narinda from Big Brother...

ricky: Sugar Cane, by Sonic Youth, on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Go on, Karl, what's next? We gunna your war feature. 'War..', what is it called?

karl: 'War Do You Think of That, Then?'

ricky: You do that now?

karl: I just, it annoys me a bit, right because we said before Christmas that we'd come back with next stuff, get you a title to work on, that 'Rickydiculous'.

ricky: Right.

karl: You came in today, I said 'have you sorted it out?', you say 'no'. Steve, you're having a go at me for wanting to get music out of the library for you. You haven't got any new ideas..

steve: Sure.

karl: But you're dissing mine.

steve: I'm not dissing yours. I'm a massive fan of them.

karl: Well I'm not getting a good vibe off you.

steve: Oh, I think that's very harsh, I just asked you when are we gunna have 'War Do You Think Of That', I'm a big fan I'm excited.

karl: Well it's not take good, to be honest with you.

steve: Well I disagree, it sounds brilliant.

karl: Right well it's a bit of a tweak of 'Educating Ricky', uh just some information on wars. World War II.

steve: World War II, alright.

karl: The world champion chess player, he helped, someone out, um, in the war.

ricky: It's the detail I like. You know, it's nearly a history program this isn't it.

steve: I was watching those repeats of 'The World At War' that were on in the mornings, you know, incredible detail but they're got nothing on Karl..

ricky: Did you write a lot of that David Schama series.

karl: He was able to use his skills that he has to play chess, because apparently chess is all about probabilities, of like where a piece will be put. And they got him in, and they said 'can you help us out?' and he's like 'yeah'. And uh, he says 'right, where should we like'..

steve: 'Hitler has just moved his queen'.

karl: So that's, that's a fact..

ricky: He sent in a bishop that ran diagonally through the troops..

steve: Exactly.

ricky: ..knocking them over.

steve: Sorry, wait a minute, Karl, so they got a chess player in..

ricky: So that's it?

karl: Well yeah. It's just like oh, right.

ricky: Again, that's not a story.

steve: But it angers me that he says that I'm down on the ideas when that, I mean that's beginning to shape up as quite interesting, I thought you were gunna tell me which battle, or which event was..

ricky: That's not a battle.

steve: Which bit of World War II?

karl: Like, the middle bit.

ricky: It's six years worth.

karl: Yeah well probably, about, a bit in..

ricky: Guessing. Guessing.

karl: Well yeah alright there is a bit of guesswork, but it doesn't matter..

steve: But that could have been an interesting thing if you told me it had an impact on the Normandy landings..

ricky: When you look at these things, do you go, oh bloke once helped chess', oh I'll use that' and run away from the computer, or run out of the bookshop.

karl: No, I read the first line where I get enough information and I just think..

ricky: What d'you mean you read the first line where you get enough information? Imagine if you were someone's defense lawyer..

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: ..and like, he's on death row and went, 'uh I don't think he did it. I read the first line, I didn't read the file completely'.

steve: 'He was in a hotel in Texas'. 'Right, go on'. 'Uh, some other stuff'..

ricky: 'It's enough, it's enough'.

karl: It's enough, right. No I just thought, they always take ages on deciding where to go, it's just like, you know, that there's a better way..

ricky: I don't know what he's saying now, I don't know what you're talking about. I actually don't know what you're talking about..

karl: When people playing chess they take ages to make their move, so I'm just thinking, there's probably a quicker way.

ricky: Of what?

karl: Of finding where a boat is.. than getting a chess player in.

ricky: I dunno, I dunno what you mean now. Are you talking about Battleships now?

steve: I tell you what, they should have got an expert Battleships player in.

ricky: Laughs. Yeah, yeah, but Karl what..

karl: Right, forget that one then.

ricky: ..no I'm not being funny but what is that, what are you telling me there.

steve: Someone who's really good at Risk, they should have brought them in.

ricky: Yeah. Cluedo.

karl: Right, another fact..

ricky: Oh, so that's enough then, is it?

steve: Well they use expert Cluedo players uh, the police use expert Cluedo players.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If ever there's a murder in a country house..

ricky: D'you think they use that old Chinese fella on the front of um, Mastermind. Yeah, for logic problems, the Enigma Code was broken by top Mastermind players.

steve: Exactly, yeah. And a guy who's had a couple of rounds of Yahtzee..

karl: Second fact about the war..

ricky: For engineering they use a lot of Jenga players. 'Will it collapse?', 'No just pull this, let's see if it will'. What are you doing?

steve: If they wanted to identify spies, 'bring me the champion of Guess Who?'.

ricky: 'Was it a woman with glasses?', 'No'. 'Right, sit down'.

steve: 'Has he got a beard? Is it Bernard?'

ricky: Right Karl, sorry go on.

karl: Right another war fact.. you're saying it's rubbish but look, you loved that.

steve: You're absolutely right.

karl: Uh, the first bomb that was dropped on Berlin, it didn't kill a person, but it killed an elephant.

ricky: I think that's true.

karl: Yeah that is true. And the last one..

ricky: Is that all you know about that? See that's interesting, isn't it.

karl: But that's enough.

ricky: No it's not though.

steve: It's not enough.

ricky: No I mean, listen first you want to go, 'well what was the elephant doing there?', 'did it land on a zoo?', 'was it a pet?', 'was it a lost elephant?', 'did they aim at the elephant?', 'who'd they kill it, did it hit the edge?'..

steve: 'Was it Hitler's favourite elephant?'.

ricky: Yeah, 'Was it Hitler's favourite elephant?'. 'Did it then have one ball?'. I mean these are the things, you know 'why didn't he caught it with his trunk?'.

steve: 'Did it have an effect on German morale?'.

ricky: Yeah. 'Oh das elephant is ka-put'.

steve: 'Oh Jumbo! I don't want to fight anymore'.

ricky: Turin Brakes. Painkiller. On XFM. Karl's getting a little bit stressed aren't you.

karl: No I just, I just you know, gotta keep focused, gotta keep the show good and that. You know, and in the new year the idea was come up with some good snappy stuff, and today I just think it's been a mess with you, to be honest I mean this is the short of thing it'd prefer to do after the show, as the producer, but..

steve: D'you know what it is, I think it's a discipline problem. I'm not sure Ricky's got any..

ricky: Is it 'cause I just put sellotape on you head?

karl: Well that's a bit to do with it. But let's just focus on..

ricky: But I didn't put it where was any hair, on your eyebrows, I put it across your forehead.

karl: Right. 'War Do You Think Of That Then?'. We've got one more bit left.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: One more fact. Um, the French, when they were at war..

ricky: David Schama, I just imagine him just introducing this it'd be amazing.

steve: Which war was this?

karl: It was still the world war..

ricky: One or two?

karl: World War Two..

ricky: It's fifty-fifty, go on.

karl: Right, World War Two and what the French did, everyone needs a code.

steve: 'Everyone needs a code', yep.

karl: A code, when you're in the army and that..

ricky: Is this a Disney song?

karl: And to sort of give the go ahead if we want to go into battle and stuff, so uh..

ricky: Chuckles. Everyone needs a code. Game show.

karl: The weird thing is, d'you know what theirs was?

ricky: Go on. Do you?

karl: Yeah I know what it is, bit weird.

steve: So what was the French code..

ricky: For what?

karl: To sort of say, 'right, yeah go on'.

ricky: But they had more than one.

karl: On this day..

ricky: But I don't know what day it is. It's like saying 'what am I thinking of?'. What was the battle, what was the.. Look at him, look at him, he's genuinely confused that I've asked this question. Right..

karl: It was..

ricky: No. If you ask me a question, ask me the question correctly. 'What was the code for battle..', during what battle?

karl: World War Two.

ricky: No that's not a battle; that's a war.

karl: Yeah it was in a war, yeah.

ricky: I don't know what to do. He confuses people.

steve: Alright okay, what was it Karl? What was the code, what was the French code?

ricky: Yeah, what are you thinking of?

karl: 'John's got a moustache'.

ricky: My lungs are gunna brust.

steve: What are you talking about?

karl: That was a code that the French used, d'you know like.. I just think it's a bit daft, right, because you could come up with that by mistake.

ricky: Yeah, two French blokes talking in the trenches, and they see a Major walk past and go, 'oh look, John's got a moustache', and they all go and he goes 'no I was just talking'. What are you talking about?

karl: Well the way, I don't think that's a good code. I've not, you know..

ricky: I don't believe it is the code.

karl: No it is, seriously.

steve: And would it have been said in French?

karl: Yep.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Yep, yep, guessing, yep, yep.

karl: No, but..

ricky: What?

karl: See I can't even be bothered.

ricky: What? What are you saying, Karl?

karl: Because it's not a very good code. D'you know like we've talked in the past about things you don't see and I said, '..an old man eaten a Twix'. Now if they used that that would never, that's safe, cause noone's ever going to see an old man having a Twix.

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Well use that as a code. Don't use a saying - 'John's got a moustache' - that could crop up. It's like 'the war's kicked off, how'd that happen?', 'well I said 'John had a moustache', 'oh!'.

ricky: Two French blokes would never be saying, 'John's got a moustache'. Why would they?

karl: 'Cause back then they were fashionable.

ricky: He nearly made sense, didn't he?

steve: I assume it would have been Jean.

ricky: Yeah. No, probably John.

steve: And I.. how would this code have been.. I mean who would have announced this to everyone?

karl: I don't know, I read it like that, Steve, that's what was on the Internet. 'This is a code that was used: 'John's got a moustache'.'

steve: But don't be angry with me.

karl: I know but you're always asking questions.

steve: That's 'cause I'm interested in history.

ricky: Yeah. Look you're a genuinely interesting bloke, Karl, and we like to know.. I'd like to film you, secretly. You know like they do nature watch, and they put in like a badger's sort of thing, and they just watch it. I'd like to see what you do, just potter around going, (hums) hm hmhm hmhm hm.. I wish I could download the music in your head, cause it'd be (sings) wa, wa wa, wa waaa wa, and you see something weird and go, (makes weird noise), and then you read that and you go, (more weird noise), and you write it down, and that's what comes out; 'John's got a moustache'.

steve: I'd like to see, next Christmas..

ricky: Imagine the French, right, for their battle code to know it's going ahead, they're going over the top, is 'you never see an old bloke eating a Twix'. Imagine that.

karl: Yeah but all these things are things that I think in me head, right..

steve: Keep them in there. Please.

karl: D'you know like before when I was talking about going out on Christmas Day, having a meal, on the way back seeing a homeless person, and then I think 'god, that wouldn't be good.. I know; TV show'. You can think of things like that. When I saw the homeless fella then I got talking to Suzanne about when I had to sleep in me car.

ricky: What d'you mean? Go on.

steve: Let's play a record and come back to sleeping in the car.

ricky: Oh god, I can't wait.

karl: D'you wanna play a song for the lovers?

steve: I was watching last night, Karl, on cable TV 1987's amazing Sign of the Times: Prince in Concert film, it was dynamite, I thought to myself how brilliant he is, it reminded me of the gig I went to see last year, he played this tune, it's from the album Parade. Okay, I don't want to discuss whether or not Prince is acceptable on XFM or whether he's a genius; he is a genius. That's the end, that's the end of the discussion, play the tune, he's dynamite, it's a song for the ladies.

ricky: I remembered, um, I was gunna tell you. I was on the way here, you um, d'you remember John? He's got a moustache now.

steve: I can't believe it. Lads, no! Don't.. it's not on, it was.. the battle's not on.

ricky: Look at your face, Karl.

karl: The elephant did die.

ricky: Yeah no I believe that.

steve: Sometimes It Snows in April from the lovely Prince..

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: ..from the album Parade. He doesn't always have to get up and have a rock about, he can just sit there at the piano and bash out a tune..

ricky: You can't argue with that. After the break, Steve, a brand new feature I've just done, That's Rickydiculous.

steve: That's Rickydiculous. See you say Ricky Gervais doesn't put any work into this show, he's just done that during that song.

ricky: I'm gunna tell Karl some amazing from the world of science, nature, politics. Four are real, one is absolutely Rickydickydiculous.

ricky: Cat Stevens, from Catch Bull at Four album, Sitting. Little interesting fact for the nerds; we got it down to two songs for the intro music for The Office, it was that one and Handbags and Gladrags, and we went for Handbags and Gladrags. Interesting isn't it.

steve: It is a fascinating fact, except of course we, I still feel we should have used that one but we couldn't because Cat Stevens' people wouldn't let us. Or it was too expensive or something.

ricky: I dunno, we recorded the Rod Stewart one though so, I don't think it was too expensive.

steve: I still prefer that one.

ricky: Yeah. Difficult. Difficult.

steve: Decisions.

ricky: Anyway, that's Rickydiculous, right. Five facts, one is totally made up.

karl: Just do three.

ricky: Oh okay alright, um. Oh let's see what shall I do then..

steve: This was carefully planned.

ricky: ..There are more moves possible in a game of chess than there are particles in the universe. You can't get any colder than liquid nitrogen, I think it's minus two seven three, you can't, it's impossible to get colder than that. The honey badger has got skin so loose that if you grabbed it by the neck, it could come away from its skin, turn round and bit you out of it's anus.

karl: That's Rickydiculous.

karl: Right, Rockbusters then, wrapping it up.

steve: It needs some work that game but I see its got a lot of mileage.

karl: Right here we go then, the first one, forty two pounds for a torch that's a bit pricey, isn't it?

ricky: Go on.

karl: That was D. That was Dear-light.

ricky: Wait, I thought Delight and I thought well it doesn't work. I actually thought Delight, doesn't work.

karl: The second one..

ricky: No wait wait, Dear-light, it doesn't work. It's Delight.

karl: Second one is..

ricky: No no no, Karl; it doesn't work.

karl: Yeah but, if we're gunna continue with this feature you've got to tweak them a bit. Right? People have got it, we've had loads of e-mails, more than ever. So.. d'you know what I mean? Let them decide. If they don't like it they won't e-mail in but their loving it.

steve: They all come from the same institution.

ricky: (chuckles) Right, go on.

karl: They'll fit some chocolate to your feet, that was A; that was Aerosmith.

steve: Aerosmith. I've heard of a blacksmith.

ricky: But a 'smith' is just a workman, doesn't necessarily.. no no, you could have anything, you could have a locksmith. A 'smith' doesn't just mean it does shoes.

karl: Right, do you..

ricky: Aerocobbler would have worked. Unfortunately there isn't a band called Aerocobbler.

karl: Get ready with a winner. Do you think your kid will get that strawberry for me, that's Wilson Pickett.

steve: Will-son Pick-it.

ricky: I'll give you that.

karl: Have you got a winner.

steve: I have to say, I don't know if these guys have won in the past, but they were the first people to e-mail in. I mean normally I just give it to anyone but these guys (clicks fingers) literally when you'd given the clues, Karl..

ricky: How did they get Aerosmith?

steve: I'm amazed. Everyone seemed to get Aerosmith.

ricky: How?

steve: Everyone got Delight, everyone got Wilson Pickett, I'm absolutely stunned. You know they deserve it, they deserve the junk.. prizes. So we'll give it to Jonathan and Louise, who as I say, may have won in the past, but as I say they were very, very quick, you've gotta be if you wanna win and they're from Wrexham! So good luck to them, may they enjoy Geri's Yoga Diet.

karl: Back next week then, yeah?

ricky: See you then.

karl: Cya.

steve: Cheers.

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