XFM Vault - S02E22 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: The Flaming Lips, "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots"--

steve: Mm hmm.

ricky: On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

steve: Good morning.

ricky: Uhh, I'm gonna be honest, I'm gonna own up straight away - I've done very little work towards this show this week. May be a little bit iffy.

steve: You surprise me.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. So, I apologize if it sounds a bit, sort of--

steve: Thanks for being honest though, Rick.

ricky: Well, no, I don't- you know, I don't want people to go, "Hold on, that was a bit shoddy, this week. I hope it's not going to be like that every week."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So, it is because I've done very little preperation.

steve: (Laughing) Okay.

ricky: Sooo...

steve: Right. Whereas normally...

ricky: You'll probably have to help me out--

steve: All right.

ricky: You'll have to do some of the- some of the work. Karl, you might have to help us out a little bit as well--

steve: I don't know. I mean--

ricky: Because I know Steve's done nothing towards it either. So, the onus is on you a little bit, here. I love the fact that it's still listed as either "Ricky Gervais" or "Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant"--

steve: Mm!

ricky: In the, you know--

steve: Essentially, we don't need to be here, really.

ricky: No. It p- I know now people listen for Karl.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Everyone I've spoken to for- you know, people on buses to, uh comedians- like Ross Noble mentioned you the other day and, uh, you know it- they go, uhh--

steve: People on buses?

ricky: I've never been on a bus for years.

steve: You've never been on a bus--

ricky: No.

steve: For, like, 12 years or something?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: (Laughing) "People on buses".

steve: I don't know why I find that so funny. I just know--

ricky: Well, they- no--

steve: The idea of you being on a bus--

ricky: Well I'm not on a bus!

steve: The idea of you having to be on a bus--

ricky: They're shouting out from the window!

steve: Right.

ricky: They're going, "I love Karl."

steve: (Laughing) Right. Yeah.

ricky: I'm j- I'm walking along.

steve: How much is it on the bus?

ricky: Twenty pence.

steve: (Laughing) Now, come on seriously, how much is it?

ricky: Uhh, uhhmm... "One- one adult for terminus, please!"

steve: I love the fact- you know they do that thing where, like, if they're interviewing, kind of--

ricky: What is it? 50, 60p?

steve: Paul Newman or someone famous, they always--

ricky: No, it's a quid, isn't it? It's a quid.

steve: They always say, "How much is a b- pint of milk?" And that's supposed to prove if you're, sort of, still in touch with your roots--

steve: Or whether you're too big a celebrity.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You've got no idea how much it costs on the bus, have you?

ricky: Quid.

steve: It's not a quid.

ricky: 1.20.

steve: No, it's not 1.20.

ricky: Pint of milk - about 50p.

ricky: 30p.

steve: (Laughing) Aw, brilliant.

ricky: Uhhh...

steve: W- he- I mean- cuz it's fascinating- you gave this stuff up- I mean, you gave this stuff up before you became a celebrity.

ricky: What?

steve: Didn't you? You were- you were always...

ricky: Lazy.

steve: Because people always say to me, like, "Oh, um"- you know - "Ricky seems a bit obnoxious", you know--

ricky: Who says that?!

steve: No, they say- no--

ricky: No, no, who comes up to you and just says that?!

steve: A guy on the tube did it.

steve: I swear to God. He came up, he said, uh- he said, "I was watching an interview with Ricky", he said- he said, "he's not a nice piece of work!", I went, "Well, I mean...", he said, "Noo, I've got friends like that", you know, just- and he's like, "They're always talking, they're a bit irritating, you know, and you, sort of, let them off because they're your mates", but I was going, "Well, hang on a minute", he went--

ricky: Well, two things...

steve: Fair enough.

ricky: You know, it is, sort of, my job, talking--

steve: Mm hm.

ricky: And being interviewed, essentially you do have to talk.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: So if that's--

steve: About yourself.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) If that's his only criticism--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Then I'm not too bad.

steve: No, he didn't think you were funny either. So...

steve: He had a- in fact he had a whole list.

ricky: Was i--

steve: Well I say "a list" - a petition.

ricky: It wasn't Dickey Anderson, was it?

steve: It wasn't Richard Anderson.

ricky: I hope he's listening.

steve: He's our biggest fan.

ricky: I'll tell you what, Mock Turtles need a remix by Fatboy Slim, don't they?

steve: Mock Turtles?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's a great tune but I'd like to hear it remixed!

ricky: Yeh.

ricky: Mock Turtles, "Can You Dig It"... remixed by Slim.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant--

steve: Mm hmm.

ricky: Karl Pilkington. (Comical Voice) Oooooh stuff, stuff to do--

steve: Ahhh, what's been going on? What's been happening?

ricky: Stuff to talk about and that. Aw, it's, uhh...

steve: What's been going on? What's been going on?

ricky: Oh! Um, before you came in- oh, you saw it, didn't you - that experiment I was doing with the...

steve: An experiment?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well... all I know is, as I walked in the building and I passed the little kitchen area, you were hitting Karl on the head with a tin tray.

ricky: Didn't it make a good noise?

steve: It was a great noise. Um, but I- interested- explain more about the experiment cuz--

ricky: Well I wanted to do- I wanted to see how hard I could hit him and make it resonate, right, before I either caved his skull in or--

steve: Right.

ricky: You know what I mean? So you had to hold it quite loose--

steve: Okay.

ricky: So it could, like, vibrate but you had to grip it hard enough to give it a good whack--

steve: Right.

ricky: And his head's brilliant for hittin' stuff on it--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Is it?

ricky: It is perrr-fect cuz it's like--

steve: Karl, could we maybe recreate that moment a bit later on the radio?

karl: You'll notice that we've been on for 15 minutes - I haven't said a word. So it's had a bit of an effect on me.

steve: Right.

karl: Still- still a little bit... shaken.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Aww, dear.

karl: But, yeah, do it again later.

steve: Right.

ricky: We were talking about your head a little bit earlier, weren't we?

steve: It's not gonna mean that you're, sort of, a bit, you know- fuzzy thinking... is it?

karl: Nah, I'll be all right.

steve: Yeah. Okay, good.

karl: So...

ricky: I s- I s--

steve: Can we set that for later? Maybe towards the end of the show? Just hit you on the head with various objects, see which make the best sound. Thanks very much.

ricky: He said- he said earlier- because we were talking about Time Out- I said- but- something about in Time Out and he went, (Karl Impression) "Ahhh, yeah, do you read that?", I went, "Yeah, yeah, I read it. Get it every week, yeah." He went, "Ahhh, there's no point though, is it?", he said, "Cuz it's like a telephone directory. You know, if you wanna look something up, you'll look it up but you'd never, sort of, browse the telephone directory." And I went, "That's an interesting point." He went, "Although I did"--

ricky: "When I was in Scotland, I just looked up how many Macs there were and there was 42 pages of them."

ricky: How bored are you in your hotel room in Scotland to suddenly start working out how many people start with "Mac"?

steve: Did you- were you sat in your room, you- there was nothing else that you could think of to do?

karl: I- I been working, it's when we did the show from- you know, XFM did some stuff from Edinburgh--

steve: Yeah. You were sat in your hotel room...

karl: Sat in the room, waitin' to, sort of, go out and get some food and that. Sat there--

ricky: Why were you waitin' to go out and get some food? Why wouldn't ya--

karl: Because we were gonna meet up- we were gonna meet up with, you know, Simon and that.

steve: So you- you thought, "I'm not gonna switch the TV on, I'm not gonna read a magazine--"

karl: The telly was on, nothing was on, I wasn't impressed with anything that was on--

karl: So, I'm looking around the room, I had a couple of the free shortbreads--

ricky: (Laughing) I love the fact that he remembers!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (Laughing) He remembers- he remembers the specific biscuit he had!

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: That's fantastic!

karl: I had a couple of them and then, ummm.... looked around. There was a Bible and I thought, "Well, I know about that"--

steve: Yeah.

karl: "There's nothing in that I don't know." So--

karl: Got the phone book up and immediately thought, "There's a lot of Mac-this and Mac-that in Scotland--"

ricky: Yep.

karl: "Macintosh--"

steve: MacDaddys.

karl: "MacIntyre--"

ricky: Yeah. Loads of names like that.

karl: There's loads of names. So I thought, "I wonder how popular it is?" Emm--

ricky: (Laughing) "I wonder just how popular it is?!"

karl: 42 pages of Macs.

steve: Did you count how many pages there were?

karl: Yeah.

karl: And then--

steve: Did you- did you just work out from the numbers on the bottom of the page or did you literally count--

karl: No, I counted. I counted.

steve: Right.

karl: And, uhh--

ricky: And how many do you reckon are on a page? There's a lot, isn't there?

karl: There's quite a lot--

ricky: If someone can tell- and- approximately how many names--

steve: And, sorry, I j- what--

ricky: They get on one page.

steve: How long did it take you, this whole procedure?

karl: What? The c- the countin'?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Not that long.

ricky: No, he just counted--

karl: It's just 42 pages. So, it's not that much.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. They were all together, luckily.

steve: And what did you do- once you digested that information, what- what did you do with that information? Did you tell people while you were there?

karl: I- I stored it, hadn't I? I mean, look, how long ago was the Edinburgh Festival?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (Laughing) "I stored it"!

ricky: Along with the biscuit. I'd love to get in his head. I imagine it's a big warehouse and there's lots of partitions for weird stuff like bo- kids born with tentacles--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: And things like that--

steve: I imagine there's, like, quite an old care- caretaker--

steve: And you go in there and you say, "I'm looking for the-", he goes, "Hang on, hang on, I know where that is. I put that somewhere--"

ricky: "Hang on a--"

steve: "Hang on a minute, hang, hang, hang, hang, hang on."

ricky: "Is this the one when, uh, they shaved the cat?"

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: "No, this is not shaving the cat. This is the Macs."

steve: "Ooooh."

ricky: "The Macs... I know, Scotland, the shortbreads!"

ricky: "Well don't- don't give me the shortbreads, that's putting me off." But, um, a--

karl: The- the what'shername, though. Do you remember last week how we're talking about the hairy kid?

karl: And, uhh--

ricky: I think that's every week, Karl. That doesn't narrow it down.

karl: All right, well we were talkin' about that hairy kid in the woods and, uhmm, did a bit of more research this week.

steve: Okay.

karl: Found a good story out about a monkey--

steve: Right.

karl: Which I'll, uhh- told Ricky a little bit about it but--

ricky: Tell me it, come on. Tell it now.

steve: No, no, no, tease me with it.

karl: I think we should keep this.

steve: It sounds exciting stuff.

ricky: Right.

karl: That- that's got 'em, right--

karl: So, we'll be doing that--

ricky: (Laughing) "That's got 'em"!

steve: That's hooked the audience.

karl: We've got- we've got- we've got "Rockbusters" again this week.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We've got "Do We Need 'Em?".

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right.

ricky: What are you- what are you trying to get rid of this week?

karl: Cockroaches.

ricky: Right. Good one.

steve: Aww, I can't- I can't think of a reason to keep them.

ricky: No.

karl: Looking into that. Well- I sort the matter out.

steve: Okay.

karl: That's comin' up.

steve: (Laughing) Excellent.

karl: We've got, uhhhm- I'm teachin' ya some more stuff.

ricky: Are ya?

karl: Yep.

ricky: He phoned me up today- uh, yesterday, it was- you know, he's researchin', like, "Educating Ricky" he said, uhh, uhh, "What do you want to know about?", I went, "I don't know", he said, uh, "You interested in space?" and I went, "Yeh, yeah." Phones me three hours later, he went, "Nope, no, nothing about space.", I went, "What?", he said, "I couldn't find anything interesting.", I said, "You couldn't find anything interesting about space?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It's big.

steve: It's pretty interesting, Karl.

ricky: He went- I went--

karl: It's big but there's nothing there. That's- that's--

karl: It's like the Millenium Dome.

ricky: Ohhh, God!

karl: So- so what I'm looking at, right- right--

ricky: But, no, wait! He said, "Is there anything else you want to know about?", I went, "All right, uhhhh...", I went, "Anthropology", he went, "What's that?", I went, "Study of man, study of man.", he went, "Like what?", I went, "Like... our roots from- from cave man through... and all the-", he went, "Ah", I said, "Australopithecus and then we went Neanderthal...", and he went, "Well, you know all that, then.", I went, "No I--"

karl: He went, "Right, don't you want to know how a lung works or sommat?"

ricky: How a lung works.

ricky: And I said, "Well, tell me how a fridge works.", he went, "Aww.", and said, "It's just the gas, innit?", I went, "Brilliant.", I went, "Tell me how a microwave works.", he went, "I know.", he said, "A fellow walking past, in a laboratory, with a bar of chocolate in his pocket- went past some sort of ray thing, it melted it and he went, 'Hold on'".

ricky: That's it. That's- that's explained to me how a microwave works.

ricky: Right.

karl: So- so today we're doin', uhh, sort of medicalish-type things under the banner of, umm, "Col-on Then, Educate Me".

ricky: (Laughing) Oh God.

steve: Do it again.

karl: "Col-on Then, Educate Me".

steve: Brilliant.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: So that's that "Go on then", so--

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

karl: "Col-on".

ricky: (Laughing) Brilliant.

karl: So that's, uhh- that's a little heading. You're gonna be learning three things, sort of, medicalish--

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Before three o'clock.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Uhhhm, is that it?

ricky: Yeah, do you want to uhh--

steve: Pretty much, yeah.

ricky: Bit of Suede?

karl: Go on then.

steve: How many O'Rileys are there, do you think, in Ireland? That's another task for you.

ricky: Suede, "Animal Nitrate". That's d- d- really got a Johnny Marr influence at the end, that guitar, innit?

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: They still- yeah.

steve: Still brilliant.

ricky: XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Tell us about this monkey, Karl.

karl: You're gonna love this one, Steve, right.

steve: Go on.

karl: Uhh, yeah, so last week we were talkin' about how, like, a lad left his family cuz there was problems at home and that. He went and lived in the wood, he got hairy, right?

ricky: N- no!

steve: Leave it there, Rick.

ricky: Awwww.

steve: We haven't got time to go into it.

karl: Right, so--

steve: That's what happened.

karl: And that's what happened: he lived with the monkeys, he went hairy--

steve: That's fine.

karl: Anyway--

ricky: N--

steve: That's what happened!

karl: Looked into, uhh, some other stuff about, like, hairy kids and all that.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: Came across this story about a bloke, right, who worked in a zoo...

steve: Ohh, dear.

karl: Right? So, uhh--

steve: Trouble's brewing.

karl: L- lovin' his job and that. But, t- it's quite a lonely sort of job because you don't see many people, you're just dealing with animals all the time, right.

steve: Mmm.

karl: So, anyway--

ricky: Well--

karl: He get's a bit pally with a monkey cuz it's the closest thing to- to a human.

ricky: Well, an ape is.

steve: Right.

karl: Yeah, but you can't really go that close to apes.

ricky: Well--

karl: Cuz they're dangerous.

ricky: What do you mean? What type was it? Do you mean a chimp--

steve: Just let him tell the story.

ricky: Was it a chimpanzee?

karl: I reckon it was a chimp, yeah.

ricky: Oh, so you don't even know, so it was an ape.

karl: It was a chimp. It was a chimp.

ricky: Okay.

karl: Yeah, but it doesn't matter, does it? It's a story.

steve: So he get's pally with him...

karl: So he gets pally with him and it's--

steve: What, do they go on holiday together?

karl: Nah, I mean, it starts off--

steve: On the pull together?

karl: It starts off just checking each other out and, uhh, you know, probably sharing lunch and that together.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right? Anyway, this goes on for a while, he's, uhh- you know, they- they're gettin' on well and that. And then after a while, right, the monkey starts, sort of, imitatin' him a bit more and, sort of, walkin' upright.

ricky: Ohh God.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: Right? So he thinks, "Aw, that's a bit weird". Anyway, they get on really better and what have you so he thinks, "He could- he could live at home with me, this."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Cuz we're gettin' on a storm--

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right. So he takes him home and before you know it--

ricky: Is this the beginning of "Beneath the Planet of the Apes"?

ricky: I think it is. I think you've seen this on video.

karl: Well--

steve: I- I'm worried- I- cuz he's already imitating him and they're moving in together- I'm thinking it's maybe a bit like "Single White Female".

steve: "Single White Zookeeper".

ricky: (Laughing) AHHHHHH. Brilliant!

karl: Right--

ricky: Go on.

karl: So anyway... So, he's movin' in, and it's getting used to, sort of, the- the normal human life. He's havin' a cup of tea in the morning--

steve: Yeah.

karl: Uhh--

steve: PG tips.

karl: Has a--

karl: Has a, uhh- he finishes the day off with a-

ricky: Ahhhh! Oh dear.

karl: With a--

karl: Finishes--

steve: Finishes the day off with what?

karl: With a--

ricky: He does- he doesn't happen to be at the piano at one point, does he?

karl: A little brandy.

steve: (Laughing) He finishes the day off with a little brandy?!

karl: Yeah.

steve: (Laughing) What- he pours himself a- is he wearing a smoking jacket?

ricky: You- I'll tell you what, Karl, you're- you're a maniac, mate.

karl: Listen, listen. No- this is what attracted me, it's amazing, right.

ricky: Right.

karl: So, he's having his brandy and that, he's loving his life, umm--

karl: Next thing you know, he, sort of, umm... I don't know if he loses it or he gets shaved but the top half of his body is hairless.

steve: Gets hairless.

karl: Right? Apart from his head. Right, so he's got a nice little--

ricky: So it's the opposite of the kid--

karl: Well...

ricky: Yeahh.

karl: This is what I'm saying.

ricky: Well, that- that would happen.

karl: Right--

steve: Well, hold on. So you don't know if he was shaved or if it fell out.

ricky: How did it say- "Uh, then the- the hairless--"

karl: I'll bring--

ricky: What?

karl: I'll bring it in for ya - the story - and then you can see if I've gone wrong.

steve: All right. Well, keep going. Keep going. Keep going.

karl: So anyway- so, umm--

ricky: Well--

karl: So this is going on and it- it- he's having a great life. Then the zookeeper starts getting a bit annoyed because... he's having a better life than the zookeeper. The zookeeper's in the zoo--

ricky: This is such shh- rubbish.

steve: So, the zookeeper's still got to do a day's work. The monkey's at home, he's partyin', he's got his other chimp mates around.

karl: Well, it gets to a point when he says, "There's no point in ya comin' in to the zoo because the whole reason of you being there was because you're being kept there."

steve: Right.

karl: And he didn't want to bring the memories back so he said, "You stay home." So the--

ricky: You are j- y- talking such boll--

steve: Just let him finish!

ricky: God! I don't know if I can sit here and listen to this drivel!

steve: Let me- I'm- I'm fascinated. It sounds--

karl: It's nearly- it's nearly over anyway, right.

steve: It sounds extraordinary, Karl.

karl: So, he's walkin' upright, he's havin' a tea in the morning, finishing the day off with brandy--

karl: Gets a bit out of hand... only tries it on with the zookeeper's wife.

ricky: (Laughing) Make him go away, Steve.

steve: How does he do that?

karl: Well, because he's around humans a lot, he becomes a bit of a charmer and uhh--

steve: But what- what is it that he can do to seduce her? Pick fleas out of her?!

ricky: W--

karl: It didn't say but--

ricky: He's built. He was built.

steve: (Laughing) Yeah. He was well hung.

karl: So, what about- what about that?

ricky: Well it- what do you mean, "what about it", Karl? It's obviously not true! (Pounding the Desk) It's obviously not true.

karl: This- this wasn't on the internet, this was in a book. So, it's not a quick joke and just, "Aww, put it on a website." This is in a book.

steve: I don't understand how the monkey--

ricky: I love the fact that he becomes a charmer. He's got better tasting brandy.

steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

ricky: And he- aww. That is...

steve: What is it he was doing that seduced her?

karl: I don't know. I th- maybe because he was at home more than the zookeeper was.

steve: But what would he be doing, Karl?!

ricky: I love the fact that--

steve: It's not gonna be talking with her. They're not going to be playing, like, Trivial Pursuit.

karl: Maybe- maybe she liked the silent type.

karl: I do- I d- it didn't go into that, it just said it- that's when the trouble started.

ricky: (Laughing) Karl, play a record.

karl: All right.

steve: Is that what Suzanne did when she brought you home?

ricky: Feeder, "Just the Way I'm Feelin'". XFM 104.9. I love that. Karl, you're- you're- you're panicking. You've just remembered a song from your childhood and I don't know what you're talking about... but, um, I'm gonna give out a number. Please take this number down if you can help Karl. It's 08700-800-1234. Right, just--

karl: Right, I'm not- I'm not that bothered. We were talking about a track from the sixties--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uhh, Mighty Quinn--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And it was on the same compilation- me dad had a tape in the car and the tape was always on in the- in the stereo thing in the car--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And I used to sit- sort of, sit through all the stuff I didn't like but knowin' that comin' up soon--

karl: Was a song about a- a monster with purple eyes.

steve: A monster with purple eyes?

ricky: It wasn't "Puff the Magic Dragon"?

karl: It wasn't. Wasn't that.

ricky: A monster with- there must be something else about it that will give people a clue.

steve: Do you remember a chorus or a few lines?

karl: Umm, it says something like, "it was a one-eyed"... it had big eyes... purple... and it eats people or something.

steve: "The Big-Eyed Purple Eater"? Wasn't there a song called something like that?

ricky: I d- I d--

steve: "The Big-Eyed Purple..." - I'm sure there was--

ricky: And it was a hit, was it?

steve: A song which is something like, "The Intergalactic Purple Eater" or something like that. It's some, like- it's a novelty song... Rubbish.

ricky: What, by the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah--

steve: Yeah, that sort of thing, yeah. I'm sure that's what--

ricky: Well, if you know what Karl- look- l- l- the telephones are going mad!

karl: Yeah, well, we'll find out in a bit. I'm not that bothered. I'm not gonna buy it, it's just that we were talkin' about songs and that, it would be good to know who it was but...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, "Rockbusters"--

steve: Okay. Now, how long- where did you get the, uh--

ricky: Answer the phone.

karl: What? You want to just answer that?

ricky: Well, answer the first. Just answer- yeah.

steve: Just answer it, yeah. See who it is.

ricky: Just see someone--

karl: Hello?

caller #1: Hello mate.

karl: All right.

caller #1: Yeah, uh, that song, I don't know who it's by - or is that what you want?

karl: Uhhm, that's the bit I wanted, really.

steve: Well, what's the name of the song?

caller #1: Well, you know how it goes it's like (Sing Song) "One-eyed toena blahnah people eater..."

karl: People eater...

caller #1: (Sing Song) "Nah nah".

karl: Yep.

ricky: Ohh yeah!

steve: I- sorry, I don't think you helped much, there. You- you can't- you can't remember what it's called or who it's by.

caller #1: Well, no. I mean, I know the tune... (Laughing Slightly) but that's about it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He's done well!

steve: It seems to me--

ricky: Steve, he's done well. He's given up his spare time to call in and sing us a song. Don't diss him.

steve: Rick, I'm concerned he's just only marginally remembering it more than Karl is.

caller #1: It was actually in, umm- I think it was in "The Blob"- no it was in- in something like "The Blob", actually. I think Steve McQueen was driving away and it was i- i- running and uh--

ricky: This is very familiar. See if y- thanks very much, mate. See if we can get a title off someone.

karl: All right, then. Hello XFM.

caller #2: Hello, uh, yeah, I know the name of that tune...

karl: Go on.

caller #2: Eh, is it- was it "The Purple-Eyed People Eater"?

karl: Yeah, that sounds about right.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: And who was it by?

caller #2: Yeah, well- I just- I'm about to start work and, uhh--

steve: Who is it by?

caller #2: It just came to my mind.

steve: Do you know who it's by?

caller #2: I don't know who it's by mate, sorry.

steve: This is not enough information! I wouldn't phone in if I didn't- have half the information!

ricky: We didn't ask him who- we asked him just what the tune was!

steve: But I want someone like Paul Gambaccini (Laughing Slightly) to call in. He knows what- you know, what chart position it got to...

ricky: Well, okay, okay, right. Thanks very much--

steve: I don't think this is enough information! That's two people, we barely got any information!

karl: The thing is, if we know the title we can put it in the internet, can't we, and find out who did it.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That's full of--

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: Information.

ricky: Well, thank- thank you very much for calling in.

karl: Yeah, yeah.

steve: I- I don't know why they bothered, frankly.

karl: Right, listen--

ricky: (Laughing) You're so--

steve: Sorry Rick, I-- no, I mean, I just think if you're going to bother to call in a radio station--

ricky: You're s--

steve: Have the facts!

ricky: You're so ungra--

steve: Have all the facts at hand!

ricky: He hasn't got the facts and he runs the radio station!

steve: He doesn't run it, they keep him here like a mascot! He's like a pet, isn't he? They have him runnin' around the office.

ricky: God.

steve: Now listen, um, it's "Rockbusters", I've got the, uh- the prizes here. Rick, I'll be honest with ya- I mean, we've given away (Laughs Slightly) some- some shoddy stuff in the past, this is the worst collection.

ricky: Well, this is absolute tat, is it?

steve: This is really scraping the bottom of the barrel, Karl. I mean--

ricky: The- the- hold on. The phones are going mad--

steve: How many more of these can we give away?

ricky: If you're- if you're still phoning in, hang up because we- we're not gonna bother anymore, we- really sorry about that. Maybe email us or sommat. Uh?

steve: How many of these can we give away, Rick?

ricky: Look at that. It's "Only Fools and Horses", the- the- the video--

steve: It's the Christmas special from not this year, the year before.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah!

steve: I mean, we have given away so many of these...

steve: I imagine there's charity shops (Laughing) throughout London with these in.

ricky: (Laughing) Throwing 'em away?

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, throwin' 'em away.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

steve: So we got that- that--

ricky: Oh, dear.

steve: And, you know, if you didn't watch it- you know if you weren't one of the, uh, 20 million that watched it--

ricky: (Sing Song) It was a big, green--, blue-eyed fat-legged purple eater. Pee-bo-eff-thay a-la-la-la do-do-do-do--

ricky: (Sing Song) It had a big bup and it had a big booo.

ricky: Something like that.

steve: Uh, once again, "The Best Chillout Album Ever" with, uhh...

steve: I mean, it's pretty much rubbish.

ricky: (Sing Song) It was a big boo wehh--

steve: Actually, no, the songs are okay but...

ricky: (Sing Song) Purple eater.

steve: It's just basically a collection of songs you might have heard on adverts... So enjoy that.

steve: Ooh, God. This one again: "The Best Air Guitar Album In The World"--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Volume 2.

ricky: (Laughing) This- this is no longer an entertainment show!

steve: I--

ricky: This is three people... chattin' to each other now and again, sometimes we remember it's going out, sometimes we just take a call for our own amusement. I- I mean, I--

ricky: (Laughing) Look at--

steve: It's the same prize again--

ricky: Awww, this can't--

steve: It's the David Attenborough, um, uhh, compilation of DVDs--

steve: Which I'll be very surprised if actually makes it to you - I imagine someone here will have had that long before we post it.

ricky: Ohh, dear.

steve: There's a tshirt in here, this is--

ricky: XFM 104.9.

steve: We get sent a lot of, uhh, (Laughs Slightly) crap tshirts--

ricky: Just in case you were wondering what you were listening to, you're listening to--

steve: And this is, uhh, this is a Quiksilver tshirt. That's fine.

ricky: What is that? What is that? What tshirt is that?

steve: That's a tshirt made by the Quiksilver people. So if you're a surfer dude and, by the looks of the size of it, you're a midget--

ricky: You can't say, "midget".

steve: Then you- you're welcome to it. And this is, I think, the, uh, piece de resistance, Rick. I mean, I--

ricky: What?

steve: Cuz you know the kind of fans we have, Rick - they're pretty cool cats... pretty groovy guys--

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: So I imagine they'll be loving - on DVD - "Doctor Who - 'The Aztecs'"--

steve: That's one of William Hartnell - the first doctor's - classic episodes.

ricky: (Laughing) Oh God!

steve: On DVD there.

ricky: Oh! You know, um, uhh--

steve: Rubbish! That's rubbish, Karl, those prizes!

ricky: You kn--

steve: I'm ashamed to give them away, frankly.

ricky: Karl, you know our mate Johnny? He's a "Doctor Who" fan.

karl: Yeh.

ricky: Do you remember, um, he bought, um, uh, the "Doctor Who" magazine, um, and, uhh, he went, um, to the toilet and Steve got post-it notes and put "Geek" on every page. And Johnny opened it on the tube, right, and it had "geek" and everything. And Johnny brought in the- the new "Doctor Who" magazine - I think this week's or this month's - right? And they've- they've, um- they've done the perfect "Doctor Who" fan, right, what the geek is, right. And it looks exactly like Steve.

steve: All right. Don't have a go, Rick.

ricky: It does. He won't- and I- I- it- I- I'm gonna try and put it on the website. It's amazing! It's got your hair, glasses, it stands like you, it's, sort of, dressed like you and it's only carrying- (Laughs) it's hilarious and he's- he's- (Abruptly Subdued) I mean, I'm insultin' ya now, it sounds like an insult but if you'd see it, you'd laugh. Play a...

karl: Well, "Rockbusters", right...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, here we go. Uhh--

steve: Just a little bit annoyed.

karl: Just, uhh, three..... th- clues, uhh--

ricky: (Laughing) We've lost all the energy of this show, haven't we?!

steve: Well, I just- I can't get over that insult. I'm just a little--

karl: Three, sort of--

ricky: No, he did though--

karl: Things. Three clues--

steve: It just come out of- no, I'll be honest with you, Rick, it just came out of left field. I wasn't expecting an insult.

karl: And, uhh--

ricky: No, but I'll bring it in.

steve: I thought there was a sense of comradery on this show.

ricky: No, I'll bring it in.

karl: Just email in. [email protected]

steve: Right, play a record, I'm just annoyed I can't- I can't listen to "Rockbusters" today.

ricky: What are we doin'?

karl: I'm just- I'm just readin' out the clues.

ricky: Should we put this- let's put this one in for the Sony Awards- let's put this show in for the Sony Awards.

steve: Play a song, Karl because I need to discuss things with him.

steve: I've talked before about him slaggin' me off.

ricky: Edit it down. Get this down to three minutes and it'd be a great show.

karl: Do "Rockbusters" in a minute.... XFM.

ricky: "Lonesome Day"... by Bruce Springsteen... from, uh, his new album "The Rising" on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. A woman just phoned in and said, to Karl, uhh, "Stick up for yourself. Don't listen to that Merchant. He does my head in, he's so arrogant."

steve: I don't think I'm arrogant. I think I'm mean.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

steve: Just think I'm, sort of, objectionable. I don't think it's arrogance--

ricky: No.

steve: I think it's, sort of, nastiness.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'm just (Laughing Slightly) not a very nice person.

steve: But me, I'm not arrogant, I think I'm pathetic.

steve: Um, we've had a lot of emails, um, s- saying, "Could you bring back 'White Van Karl'?"--

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: Which is that section of the show where we ask the questions that The Sun asks--

ricky: Someone else.

steve: Some random punters.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Uh, of Karl. But sadly, recently they've got very politicized and very, kind of, uh- basically a little bit depressing. So, uh, there's not really anything appropriate but I have trawled the papers looking for other questions posed in other sections of the, uh, The Sun.

ricky: Good idea.

steve: Uhhm, I was just looking here at the "Dear Deidre" section which is the, sort of, problem page. Uhh, I don't know what your views are on this--

ricky: Awww, I would love to see Karl- ohhh God, can we get him a job...

steve: Like an agony--

ricky: Just ask- oh my God, that would be amazing. Right...

steve: Well, here's one- I'd like to see, uh, your view on this, Karl. (Reading) "I'm a happily married 42 year old woman with 4 kids yet I've developed a huge crush on pop star Darius Danesh."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: (Reading) "It's sent my hormone levels through the roof--"

ricky: Yeh.

steve: (Reading) "And last night I woke my husband up at 4 AM for sex. We've been married for 20 years and he can't believe his luck. Recently, I've been having--"

ricky: I want to- sorry, I want to go to her, "I'll stop you there. Why are you telling me?"

ricky: I- I j- right, carry on. Sorry.

steve: (Reading) "Recently I've been having erotic thoughts about Darius--"

ricky: Sure.

steve: (Reading) "Morning, noon and night."

ricky: Yeh.

steve: (Reading) "I haven't felt like this since I was a teenager and mad about Donnie Osmond."

steve: (Reading) "My husband is amazed at the change in me. We had sex twice last night and again this morning."

ricky: Again, uhh, why are you telling me this?!

ricky: Yeah, go on.

steve: (Laughing) It's just boasting.

steve: (Laughing) This is not a problem. There's not a problem there.

ricky: Yeah. "What's the problem?" "No problem. I just wanted to tell someone."

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: "Thanks very much."

steve: (Reading) "I watched Darius on TV last night and when my husband came home, I dragged him into the kitchen and we made mad, passionate love..." Right, they've done it- they did it then, twice last night, once this morning, that's 4 times, uhh, five- th- five times she's mentioned it so far.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Ehhm, she's doing all right. (Reading) "Uh, my husband--"

steve: This is the- this is the great bit: (Reading) "My husband thinks it might be his new mustache."

steve: (Reading) "Or that I'm going through the menopause, but I know different."

ricky: You were thinking of growing a mustache!

steve: I was thinking of growing a 'tache.

ricky: Just to- think it would change your luck with the ladies.

steve: I love the idea that's what he thinks it is. He's telling his mates in the pub, "You should grow one of these--"

ricky: "She's mad for it. 5 times--"

steve: "The old Tom Selleck"

ricky: "In the last... 24 hours."

steve: (Reading) "Hooray for sexy Darius." So, umm, what do you make of that, then? What, uhh- what are your views on that?

karl: Well what--

ricky: Hold on though! If that bloke is reading that paper, that narrows it down a bit!

steve: It's got to be- yeah.

ricky: Who else i- i- does he know--

karl: He- he--

ricky: Whose wife likes Darius, he's had sex 5 times that night and he grew a new mustache.

ricky: He's thinking, "I wonder if that's... I wonder if that's me."

steve: "Maureen".

ricky: Yeah. Go on.

steve: But what's your concer- because she- I'll tell you what her problem is, she's worried that, um, you know- the reason that she's now, kind of, overly excited and she's, you know, having this great sex with her husband is because she's actually fanticizing about someone completely different- younger, she's having these wayward thoughts isn't- she's a bit concerned about that.

karl: Well--

steve: What's your concern- what- what- what are your thoughts?

ricky: I reckon she's gonna start shoplifting soon and coming out in hot flashes.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Justm uhhm, they're both happy, aren't they? He's getting what he wants--

steve: Uh huh.

karl: She's happy. I'd say, "Yeah, whatever. Get on with it."

steve: Do you think that she could- she should confess--

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: Ehhhm...

steve: She wants to be honest with him.

karl: I- I wouldn't cuz not- not many fellas like Darius.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right.

karl: So, if- if you're, sort of, thinking, "Aw, she'd rather have him than me", I don't think it's gonna work out--

ricky: What do you think Darius would think of this?

karl: Uhhh (Exhaling) ffffff. He'd probably be happy with that. I mean if--

ricky: What would you do it y--

karl: He'd of been their--

ricky: What would you do if you, like, got loads of phone calls, right--

karl: Yeah.

ricky: From, um, women going, "Karl, whenever you're on the radio I just have to do it- I just have to do it. Your voice makes me..."

karl: I'd say, "Right, well... you know... it's all right." I'd be happy with that.

ricky: (Laughing) Would ya?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Awww.

karl: I mean, just in case anyone is doing that--

ricky: What would you do to, sort of, like, egg 'em on a little bit- to help 'em out? What do you think--?

steve: What sexy things would you say?

ricky: What do you think is your quality? What do you think people would find, you know, pretty horny about you? Is it your, sort of, manc whine, do you think? (Manc Accent) That? Just, just say this: (Manc Accent) "London's shit, innit?" That, I think--

karl: I wouldn't say that but... you know, London, it's not that good, is it? Like I s--

ricky: Oooh, I think you've done it, there.

karl: So...

ricky: So, that's, sort of--

steve: Say something quite, sort of, sexy though. Say something like, you know--

karl: Well--

steve: "I love to love you."

karl: Well, I don't say that--

ricky: Say something sexy! No, say something sexy!

karl: No, no, Suzanne says to me, "Y- do you love me?", I go, "Yeah, you're all right."

karl: Job done.

steve: That's job done.

ricky: And the things is, I know that's true.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I know that's true.

karl: So--

ricky: That- that's brilliant.

steve: But- cuz one of the things that Deidre says is that she's- she's wondering if, uh, this marriage is going a little bit stale and needs to be freshened up. They need to give a new spice, a new spin to the marriage. What would you do? What would be the advice you would give to spice up, you know, something that- they've been married for quite some time?

ricky: Get 'em- get 'em- I think get Darius- all Darius things. Get David Sneddon's new video--

ricky: On the telly. Uhh--

steve: What do you reckon, Karl?

karl: Just- just treat 'em. Do you know what I mean? Just surprise 'em now and again with stuff.

steve: Uh huh.

karl: That's what I do.

ricky: That's what you did with those condoms, didn't you, that you got 2 pound off--

steve: So, hang on, what- you've never done anything like that. What, you've surprised Suzanne with what?

karl: You know, I've, like, uhh--

steve: (Laughing) You've stood behind a door and shouted at her.

steve: When she comes in.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

karl: There's some- no, there's some--


karl: You know, just- just the usual stuff. There was some free chocolate delivered to work the other day, I took her a bit of that out.

steve: Nice of you. That's very thoughtful.

karl: She didn't like dark chocolate but I said, "Well, it's the thought..."

karl: So, I ate it. I had it. But, uhhm--

steve: (Laughing) You know, you often benefit from any gift that you give her. The chocolate, the meal, the condoms--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There's always something in it for you.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, there is a bit. I love the idea--

karl: She's got bored with her Christmas present now, though.

steve: What, the condoms?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Or the food that she ate?

karl: No, the- the condoms.

ricky: Right.

steve: (Laughing) Yeah. She- she's got tired of filling them with water and throwing them at passing kids--

steve: Or putting them on her head and inflating them.

ricky: I like the idea of progeny problems. What do you think of, uhh, erectile problems? You know that Pele advert, he goes, "Be careful. If you have got erectile problems call this number." What would you do if you were impotent? What would you do?

karl: What's he advertising?

ricky: (Laughing) It's not- he's just saying, like, you know, if you can't... you know...

karl: I haven't seen that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Why have they got him doin' it?

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Well...

steve: Well he used to- you know, he used to be able to keep it up for hours - the ball and they...

karl: Ahh.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: What would you do? If ya--

karl: To advertise that?

ricky: No, if you suddenly couldn't get... you know. What would you do?

karl: I don't think it would bother me now.

ricky: (Laughing) I know, you're thirty! I love that!

steve: (Laughing) What's wrong with him?! You're talking like you're an eighty year old!

ricky: (Laughing) I know!

karl: No, no, but do you know what I mean? You, sort of, been there done that, now.

karl: It's like the boxin' and the dancing that I did. It was good as a kid and now it's like... take it or leave it.

ricky: (Laughing) Play a record! Play a record!

steve: You need to write to Deidre!

ricky: Supergrass, "Seen the Light". XFM 104.9. Um, we're a little bit worried... we might have a technical hitch here. We've had no emails and usually we get loads and loads. Um, so we're worried it's us. Can someone send an email... Well, w--

steve: Just a test email.

ricky: Yeah, but we won't know if they have or not, they might just be ignoring us. No one might be listening, Steve, so this isn't proof.

steve: I c- I guarantee there's at least one person who would send an email. Maybe if Dicky Anderson's listening, he could do it for us.

ricky: Anders?

steve: Anders?

ricky: Do us a favor for all the pleasure we've given you over the last few years.

steve: [email protected] So that we know--

karl: If you haven't heard the "Rockbusters", might as well give them out.

steve: Well, let's check the email's working before we do anything.

ricky: Yeah, otherwise it's a complete--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: This- this whole show has been a sham and a farce and a waste of time.

steve: Well, I think they can take (Laughing Slightly) that as red.

ricky: Right, educate me, Karl.

karl: Right, well, uhh- just say, right--

ricky: "Colon then, educate me!"

karl: Well, what we, uhh- what we're looking at this week- we've- we've done war, we've done, uhh, what else have we done?

ricky: We've nailed that. We've nailed war.

karl: Did, um--

ricky: We summed up war with a little French bloke who's battlecry was, "John's got a mustache."

karl: All right. So- and last week we did science.

ricky: What did we do about science again? I've--

karl: Hairy kid.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So, this week, ehh, we're looking at medical problems.

ricky: I'm sure we do "Hairy Kid" every week.

steve: Mmm.

karl: Uhhhm, medical problems, then. I've got a- I've got a couple of things under the banner of, uh, "Col-on Then, Educate Me"--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uhh, we've got, uhhm- this is interesting... all right?

ricky: Go on.

karl: Do you know if you have, uhh, an operation on... your brain.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, what they do is: the- I mean, this is why I never go to the doctor's. I don't like doctors cuz this sort of stuff freaks me out, right. They can operate on your brain and what they do is: they put you to sleep... first... cut your brain case open--

ricky: Your skull, yeah.

steve: Your brain case.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah.

karl: And then, wake you up... and operate on ya. So you're sat there with your head open...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Messin' with your brain--

ricky: Well there's no--

karl: And you don't feel anything.

ricky: Well, there's no nerve endings, is there, in the brain?

karl: But still. It's not right, is it?

ricky: What, you think they do it for fun?

karl: No, but it--

ricky: Like they go, "Go on, Reg, wake him up so he looks freaktate... Go on, wake him up."

karl: Is it- is it necessary that you're awake, do you think, or--

steve: Well, they need the brain active, don't they?

karl: Yeah, but it is when you're asleep, you're havin' mad dreams. I had a mad dream the other day.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Go on.

karl: No, I might tell you about it later but there's no sense to it. But- so your brain's still- you're brain's--

steve: Whereas this conversation...

ricky: Yeah, I mean, it'll turn out- I'll go, "No, Karl, I was there. That wasn't a dream."

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

karl: No, but- so, I mean, I- if I had an operation...

ricky: On your brain, heaven forbid.

karl: Well... an operation anyway. I'd like to, sort of, think, "Well, I'll have an injection, I'll go asleep but when I wake up, it'll all be sorted."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: The fact that the--

steve: Your brain case is open.

karl: Open, and they wake you up and you think, "Aw, is it all done?" They say, "Well, have a look in the mirror." And you- and you're brain--

ricky: See, I don't think they do that. I don't think they try and frighten you when you are- during an operation.

steve: Yeah, I don't think, like, you go about your business and they, (Laughing) sort of, follow you around, dabblin'.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No, but it's almost like they are havin' a bit of a laugh with ya.

ricky: Right, well I'd just like to say now that they don't. Anyone who's going in for an operation on their head, uhh, do not ever listen to anything Karl says.

karl: But what- wh- why do you got to be awake because you'll be bored anyway, you'll be sat there, they'll be goosin' about--

ricky: Well, they give you a telephone directory, like- and they say, "How many Macs are in there? We- that's the Scottish telephone directory." And, you know, time flies when you're counting that sort of thing.

karl: No, but do you know, like, when you're--

ricky: What you are- what are you telling me? What are you asking me?

karl: I'm just saying how weird it is. It's weird, innit? It's like- do you know when you go for a haircut, right, it's a bit embarrassing- well, I don't anymore but, when you go for a haircut it used to be a bit--

ricky: (Mocking Impersonation) When you go for a haircut.

karl: It used to be a bit embarrassing when, like, they'd wet your hair and they'd make you have that, sort of, Hitler cut--

karl: Because your hair's wet and I used to hate it and I'd think, "Do you have to do that?"

karl: Do you know what I mean? You know what I mean, don't ya?

ricky: It's similar. It's very similar to, uh, open, uhm, skull surgery, yeah.

karl: No, but what I'm saying is, it's almost like barbers like to do that to make you look daft and feel daft for a bit and there's women comin' in and out and you're sat there with a daft haircut.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And this is what that reminds me of.

ricky: Do you think that- do you think they do it in a shop window... this brain operation?

karl: I'm just sayin' it's a bit weird.

ricky: Do you think- "Why are we doing this in John Lewis'?" "Just so more people can see--"

steve: I love the idea that that's what doctors are doing.

steve: "Let's make this guy look a bit stupid"

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "Open his brain case--"

ricky: "Look at the twatty look with his brain out of his head."

steve: "Take a polaroid. Reg, take a polaroid."

ricky: "Yeah, take a polaroid. Look at him- look- l- l- look at his face, right."

steve: "Put on--"

ricky: "D- clock his face when I give him the mirror. Get this on camera." Karl--

steve: "Put this fake nose and glasses on."

ricky: Sorry, is that- did you teach me something, then?! Was that educational?

karl: I taught ya that your brain- your brain case can be open with- you're awake... and you're just, sort of, sat there lettin' them get away with it.

ricky: Brilliant. I've learned that, I'll never forget that. Right, go on. Anything else?

karl: You'll love- let's play a song cuz the next one is amazing.

ricky: What, even more amazing that that?

karl: Yep.

karl: Play a song?

ricky: Yeah. A bit of Bowie?

karl: No emails still, by the way.

steve: No, I don't think it's working.

karl: It's not working today.

ricky: "Lady Stardust".

karl: We'll have to do a phone-in for "Rockbusters".

steve: All right.

ricky: Off the "Ziggy Stardust" album.

karl: All right.

ricky: Bit of David Bowie... And when's that ever hurt anyone, Steve?!

steve: Never.

ricky: "Lady Stardust" off "Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars" on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. Steve Merchant. Karl Pilkington is in the middle of educatin' me. Col-on then, educate me.

karl: Right, so, umm--

ricky: I've learnt that you can, you know, fiddle around with your brain when awake. That's brilliant.

karl: I've never been a fan of doctors though, so this was a good one for me to--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: To look up cuz--

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Did I tell you the time...

karl: When, uhh, the doctor said I- I was gonna die.

steve: All right, keep talkin'.

karl: Right, ages ago, ehhm, must of been about 15, right and, uhh, at lunch time there was this- we used to have a choice of stuff to do at lunch time, right? Used to have, uhh, like a- like a burger place that had an arcade machine in it, right, so we used to go there and play on that and have a burger. Or there was this baker's, right, that me mam worked at and, uhh, did great cakes and stuff, right? So, uhhm, she used to, like, bring some home and that but she couldn't always bring 'em home every night because, you know, the- they'd cost money and she used to get them for free and they used to say they'd rather chuck them away than give 'em to the staff because there's a chance that the cream might be off.

steve: Right.

karl: Right? So they used to chuck 'em 'round the back.

karl: So I used to go 'round the back with me mate... and eat a load.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Scavengin'- eating out of bins.

karl: No, it was really- it wasn't out of bins, they were still in trays but they just stacked them up near the bins, right. So this got out. I mean, it used to be chocka. Once the school found out, everybody used to go there and it'd be like "We'll--

karl: "Have a cake--"

steve: (Laughing) The headmaster crawlin' through.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

steve: Fightin' the kids off.

karl: Right, so I'd have, like, you know- you'd just eat, I don't know, 6 jam donuts or something and then you'd spend your dinner money on the arcade machine.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: Right? So, it was a good- good afternoon, really, right. So, you'd do that, and this one day I must have had 6 or 7, ehh, jam donuts, a few congress tarts, uhh--

ricky: (Giggling) What's a congress tart?

karl: Just- I love 'em- it's me fav- I can't get 'em in London. Right, so I'd have some of them--

karl: Uhh, and I think maybe--

ricky: (Quiet Radio Voice) Uhh, if anyone can get a congress tart, uhm, for Karl in London, please let him know.

karl: So anyway, this day- that- that was just a normal day, do you know what I mean--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You'd- once or twice a week you'd have a load of cake.

steve: In your life.

ricky: Yeah. A normal day in your life.

karl: So, anyway--

ricky: And what was- were the frog boys there with the- with the webbed hands and the big heads--

karl: So--

ricky: And the horse in the settee? Yeah.

karl: But the day after one of these days I had really bad cramp in me belly, right--

steve: Yeah.

karl: I was, like, in agony.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I could hardly walk. So I said to me mam, "Aww--"

steve: (Laughing) He could hardly stagger to the free cakes.

karl: So, uhhm, I was in absolute agony, I said, "I think- I don't like doctors but you'll have to get a doctor in because I don't know what it is, I can't walk." She gets the doctor 'round. Uhh, I won't say his name but he said, uhh- he said, "Well, (Tsk Sound) doesn't look like he's got long left."

steve: Blimey.

karl: So I was a bit like, "Hang on a minute, I've only had a few free cream donuts."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Me mam was panickin'--

steve: Sure.

karl: He went, me dad came in from work, she said, "Aw, something's really bad with Karl, I think it's serious. It-" - you know - "the doctor said he hasn't got long left." So he said, "What? He said that and just left?!"

karl: So she said, "Yeah." He said, "Oh, I'll have to call him then." So he called him up, said, "What's all this about" - you know - "Karl hasn't got long left. How long has he got?" So he goes, "Oooh, I was only messin'!... He's just got- he's just had some bad cream."

karl: Can you believe that?

ricky: Well, the thing is, Karl--

steve: (Laughing) I like the fact your mum didn't ask any questions.

ricky: I know. And I-

steve: She didn't go into detail.

ricky: I know- I--

steve: "Can you explain more, doctor?" "No, I've gotta shoot off."

ricky: I- I--

karl: No, but she doesn't- she doesn't like talkin'.

ricky: I loo- no I'm- now I don't want to diss you or your family but I imagine if I was there I'd of known the doctor was joking.

ricky: That's all I'm saying. I mean, I- I- I sound very arrogant there but I imagine he went, "What's he done? Had about six cream donuts? (Jovially) Oh, right, oh well, he hasn't got long to live then. I'll see ya later!"

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: That's what I think the doctor did.

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

karl: Mmm.

steve: (Laughing) I like the idea your mum just let him go.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Terrified--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Thinking, "Well, I'm not going probe him, he's- that's it, then."

ricky: Dad comes in, "Hi honey, I'm home! Anything happened?" "Uhh, the doctor said Karl's going to die and then left."

ricky: "Did he? I'll call him."

karl: Well, anyway that's why, uhh, these sort of things fascinate me.

ricky: Right.

karl: So, we'll move on to this next one, right, which is brilliant.

ricky: Go ahead.

karl: Bit of a short story so... Right, uh, old woman about 70 years old...

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Uhh, she was normally fit and healthy and stuff, nothing wrong with her, she's having a good life.. and, uh, one day, she goes for a check to the doctor's...

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Just to check herself out cuz she's gettin' on a bit.

ricky: Yeh. Yeh.

karl: Uh, he says, "Take your clothes off and that." So, she does. And he checks her out, says, "Yeah, you're looking good, you're looking good. Uh, turn 'round." Uhh, he said, "Oh God." He says, uh, "You've got a- a tumor on your buttock."... Right? So she goes, "Aw, what- can you do anything to sort it out?" So they go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we put- can put you in for an operation. It's best if we remove this." Books her in for an operation, operation day comes, strip her down and that, they're all stood 'round - the doctors... start to operate, it only turns out it's a pork chop that she sat on 5 years earlier and it had stuck to her buttock.

ricky: Right, Karl--

steve: (Laughing) WHAT?!

karl: I can forward ya--

ricky: Right I- I- I- won't--

karl: Right, listen- serious--

ricky: Right, l- l- look- okay Karl, I'm telling you now, (Pounds the Desk) I'm leaving!

karl: No--

ricky: I'm never- I am never doing this show again.

karl: No, I'm ser- honestly!

ricky: You're talking abs- a- I've never heard any- such boll- you are- play a record!

ricky: Play a record!

karl: I couldn't believe it.

ricky: What do you mean you can't believe it?! Stop- stop the record- stop the record- stop the record.

ricky: Right, (Pounds the Desk) okay, (Pounds the Desk) what do you mean you couldn't believe it?

karl: No, when I read it I said, "I've gotta tell Ricky that."

ricky: This woman had a porkchop stuck to her arse for 5 years?! You mental case.

ricky: Of course she didn't!

ricky: Syntax, "Pray". XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Right, get it off. Right, what you got next?

karl: Right, well, uhh, runnin' a bit late with this but it's time for, uhh, "Do We Need 'Em?". We're- we're lookin' into animals--

ricky: I'm really worried about this cuz everyone's gettin' that last clue wrong. I reckon it's soo rubbish that even your mental fans can't work it out.

karl: Yeah. It's- it's a tough one but...

steve: Give that final "Rockbusters" clue again.

karl: "The Jamaican fella, er, uh, had to have some aspirin. Why's that?"

steve: What were the initials?

karl: Why did he have to do it? F.D.

ricky: Wait, hold on, that's changed.

karl: Well, you get- I mean, it doesn't matter, the story's still there.

ricky: Oh, it doesn't matter. That's the point of a cryptic clue, innit? Ohh, do- do- what have you got now?

karl: Right, so we- we're looking into animals that we get rid of. I've spoken to someone about snails, I spoke to someone about jellyfish--

karl: And that, and, uhh, lookin' at cockroaches today.

steve: Right, now, who's the expert?

karl: Uhhm, this woman called, uhh, Jessica Marshall.

steve: Right.

ricky: Does she know that you're gonna play this on the radio?

karl: Well, I called up, right, in the week and said, "Can I talk to someone about--"

ricky: Just--

karl: "Cockroaches?" And she was like, "Is that Karl?"

steve: She knows who you are.

karl: Yeh.

steve: Right, so she already knows, maybe, your angle, your approach.

karl: Yeah. She was up for it.

steve: And she is an expert? She's not- not just some random person?

karl: No, she works in a museum where- a good museum - I said I'd give it a plug - it's the one near Knightsbridge, it's got dinosaurs and that and it's worth seein'.

ricky: A natural history museum?

karl: Yeh. Uhh--

steve: Not sure.

steve: He's not sure.

karl: This is what happened.

karl: Now, what I'll do, I'll tell ya as much as I know and then you can fill me in if I'm right or wrong and then at the end of it we'll get to the bottom of whether we need them or not.

judith: Okay.

karl: All right, so, uh, first of all- uh, the first thing that- that- that I found out is that, umm- that they have e- eighteen knees.

judith: Uh.... that's not exactly possible. They're insects so they have six legs.

karl: Yeah.

judith: And a knee is usually the junction between femur and tibia. That's- the, sort of, classic human knee is and every other animal knee. So, with six legs, you can only have six knees.

karl: Could somebody, sort of, got mistaken for seein' one that was a bit double-jointed?

karl: Coulda trapped--

judith: I- I think you're grasping at straws or something.

karl: All right, well, uhh- well we might have to come back to that one, then.

judith: Okay.

karl: Uhm, they can hold their breath for 40 minutes.

judith: Well, they don't do that because they don't breath in the same way as us. They breath through little sphericals- holes down the- the side of the body so.... um.... no--

karl: If it--

judith: It's not a very apt simile because the- the method of breathing is so different.

karl: What do you mean?

judith: Because insects have a- a totally different system, they don't have lungs in the way that we do and just breathing through one part of the body, they're- they're actually breathing through every segment of the body all of the time.

karl: So, even though they've got their mouth shut, they might be havin' a sly--

judith: The mouth has nothing to do with breathing.

karl: So you're just--

judith: Only feeding.

karl: So, you see, maybe that's where someone's gone wrong. Someone's got hold of one and, sort of... taped its mouth up or something and--

judith: Thought it wasn't--

karl: Got bored after 40 minutes and said, "Well, I'll call it--"

judith: (Laughing Slightly) Again, that's sounds a pretty unkind thing to do to an insect. Even for a cockroach.

karl: Yeah, but it's all--

judith: Can't do that.

karl: Yeahh, but--

judith: No. Pretty unkind thing to do to any- to anything even a cockroach.

karl: Something else I found out...

judith: Yeah.

karl: They can live for a week without an head.

judith: Well, that's true if it they don't bleed to death in the process.

karl: But the weird thing is: when I told you that they had eighteen knees you seemed a bit, sort of, like, "Don't- don't talk ridiculous"--

judith: Yes.

karl: But then, we're talkin' about an animal that can live without an head.

judith: Uh....

karl: So, so, there's a little bit of truth in that one, yeah?

judith: Yes.

karl: Why... when it was invented, has it got that facility?... Say, if someone said to humans, "We could do that with humans and, you know, if you lose your head in some accident it gives you a bit of time to, sort of, go back to your- to your family and maybe write them--

karl: Write them a note. You wouldn't be able to have a chat but write 'em a note sayin', "It was me own fault and, uhh, it was nice knowin' ya."

judith: Well that would be a nice facility, I agree. But cockroaches are great survivors, I mean, they've been around for over 300 million years, they're one of the most primitive insects.

karl: All right, well, I've also, umm- is it true that they do a lot of restin'? Apparently they can, sort of, rest for 75 percent of the time.

judith: Rest?

karl: Yeah, they just- just sit about doin' nothing.

judith: It's probably true of, uh, a vast proportion of- of the world's fauna.

karl: I mean, maybe- maybe the 25, uh, percent that they are workin' they're really giving it some so it might make up--

judith: That's probably searching out food and, uhm.. yeah. They can slow down considerably - you can chill insects in the fridge and they'll become very, very quiet, you might think they're dead but they're--

karl: Yeah, well I'm sure, you know, if we were sat in a fridge, you know, we'd grow a bit quiet, wouldn't we. Ya know...

judith: Well, you might not know much about it, of course.

karl: Yeahhh, but...

judith: You're not quite reading the- the right sources.

karl: Well, I've been usin' the internet.

judith: I'm sure there are many useful sources that you could find there but some of those seem to have been a little, um, misleading to you.

karl: Soo- so, you don't agree with- with a lot of what I've told you, there.

judith: No.

karl: So, cockroaches - can we get rid of 'em?

judith: No.

karl: So, we're keepin' 'em, then?

judith: I would say so, yes.

ricky: I think we should get her on more often because... she sounds like she'd be a bit of an ally, really. Cuz she knew immediately that you were talking nonsense. She even said, "I think you should be more concerned about your sources", which I've been trying to tell you for a year. All right? The fact- I mean... I m- eighteen knees? Where did you get that from?

karl: It was, uhh- it was on the internet.

ricky: They can hold their breath for 40 minutes?

ricky: I mean, I don't know what- I don't know what you read and take on.

karl: Mad world though, innit?

ricky: Right...

steve: The Cure, obviously--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "Lovesong".

ricky: Right, Karl's been taking phone calls for these clues--

ricky: Right and s- everyone's been saying the same thing for the last one. He's been going, "No, no." and I'm worried, I'm always worried. F.D. I just overheard him on a call and going, "(Gasp) What have I been saying?!... Awww, no, it's F.P."

ricky: Dickhead.

ricky: Right, give the clues out. That's a rollover tell people that's- we're really sorry to anyone who would have got that right. Okay, right, do the clues quickly. Tell everyone- it'll be a rollover so we'll have to do three new ones--

steve: Do you not write these down, Karl?

ricky: You're such a--

karl: I don't write the answers down in case Ricky looks over the thing and sees the answer!

ricky: Why would I cheat?! I'd rather you do something right with your life!

karl: Right, well the clues were "I've got three other jumpers like this one."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That was F.T.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: They got that. Four Tops.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, that's all right. Good, well done.

karl: "That bunch of people can't make up their minds if they want to sit in the sun or not." That was C. They were gettin' that. That was Charlatans. Charl-a-tan? Right, a bunch of 'em Charlatans, right.

ricky: What? Hold on!

steve: (Laughing) Eh?

ricky: What's "Charl"... what's "Charly"?

karl: No.... No, Chal- it's like "shall we go out", "shall we", "shall I", "Charl-A-TanS".

karl: The got it, right.

karl: Where I went wrong - with this one... uh, "The Jamaican fella, he had to have some aspirin, why?"... Uhm, it- my fault, you know, I'm not cuttin'- there's no point in passin' the buck or anythin'. Uhhm, I said, "F.D." a lot of people were saying, uh , "Fred Durst", like "F- Forehead Hurts", which is a good one.

ricky: Yeah, which would have been as good as any of yours.

karl: But I made an error so we'll roll it over.

ricky: No!

steve: Nah, nah, nah, nah.

ricky: We're not rolling it over. No, no, no, what is the answer?

steve: We'll roll- we'll roll the prizes over.

ricky: What is the answer? "Jamaican fella-" what? "Had some aspirin, why'd he do that?" What's the- what's the thing?

steve: F.P.

karl: F.P. it was Freda Payne.

steve: Freda Payne?

karl: Freda Payne.

ricky: (Jamaican Accent) Free da pain.

steve: Freda Payne.

steve: That's... awful.

steve: Karl!

ricky: Freda--

steve: You've got to write these down next week!

ricky: Yeah, but this is--

karl: I know, I will, I'm tellin' you, right--

ricky: Right, you a- a--

steve: You're the producer!

karl: I know! I know! But, I've had a busy week, haven't I? I was doin' stuff--

steve: That's not an excuse! That isn't an excuse!

ricky: Our excuse is we don't- we have- we don't care.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You do care- you--

steve: You put the work in and then make a mistake!

ricky: Yeah! It's- it's- I mean, it's better not to try than try your hardest and be rubbish.

ricky: Do you see the point? We've got- we don't care!

steve: But you've got standards.

ricky: Yeah and--

steve: But you're not meeting them.

ricky: You're fa- think of that! You're not even reaching your standards.

ricky: God!

steve: Right, well, uh, that's that, I guess. Well, the prizes will be, uh, giving those away, next week.

ricky: Bollocksed again.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) And, uhh--

ricky: Just completely...

steve: "Song for the Ladies" to end the show with. It's from Nick Cave's new album "Nocturama", this is a track called "He Wants You". Back next week.

ricky: Remember: free da pain.

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