XFM Vault - S02E23 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: There you go, Feeder, Just the Way I'm Feelin' on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. We've got a great show lined up this week haven't we?

steve: Go on, what have you got planned?

ricky: Oh well I've got songs from David Bowie, Thin Lizzy, Gene, ACDC, you heard Feeder there, you've got... ohhh... th- ohh... Smiths! All that, we've got a great feature - a new feature. Urm, spoke to Karl in the week and we worked out a new feature where um, people are gonna give him sort of like problems to solve, they could be scenarios - they could be management scenarios at work, you know, problem solving, things like that, organising things, he's a very good organizer. I'll tell you wha- I'll tell you what happened; he's dropping Do We Need 'Em 'cos he's getting fed up with scientists... He thinks there's a conspiracy and they're getting together and they're never gonna lose an animal.

steve: (Laughing) Right...

ricky: So he's fed up with that. Urr... Rockbusters, we've got some great prizes, urr...

steve: Well. Have you seen them yet?

ricky: No.

steve: Be careful.

ricky: They're not gonna be great are they.

steve: I just peeked in, and all I'm gonna say to you is: Fools and Horses Christmas Special?

ricky: Not the one with the little car?

steve: The little car, yeah.

ricky: Brilliant, that is excellent. Karl, what have you got to say for yourself? Hold on, it was a rollover wasn't it, 'cos you really mucked up Rockbusters last time. What was he doi- saying? FP for the whole thing - no, FD he was saying, and it was Freda Payne.

steve: Have you written the clues down this week, 'cos that seems like an obvious way to improve this.

karl: Yeah... I write the clues down-

ricky: The week before he couldn't remember what the answer was.

steve: Yeah! (Laughing)

karl: Yeah, but... you know, learn by your mistakes an' that.

ricky: You don't.

karl: Mmm. So yeah-

ricky: Shall I give you a sort of taster?

ricky: We were having a pizza, in a pizza establishment urr... when was it, Wednesday or Thursday? And urr he was going "I'm a good organizer, I'm a good problem solver, give me any- any scenario, right?" Obviously he didn't say scenario. Um, and I went "OK then, so you're the manager of this place, and there's a couple there, a lovely couple, they're about 60. They've had a lovely meal". He went "yep, right". I went "but, th- the gentleman; he's got a little bit of a heart condition and he takes a pill, after his meal, as he should afterwards. Ahh- he's only taken viagra.

steve: Oooh.

ricky: And now he's stuck in!

steve: Wedged in?

ricky: Wedged in, it's gon-

steve: We've all been there.

ricky: It's gone, and it's stopping him getting out from the table so what would you do? And he went "what, he's stuck in 'cos of his dick?" I went "yeah" he went "right...". He said "I'd use the situation, I'd make cash - I'd say 'you're not going anywhere, do you want a pudding?'"

steve: Entrepreneurial, I like it Karl.

ricky: And he went "so that's sorted, I've got the job an' that, next"? I went "OK, anoth- ooh, you won't believe it. The next day, there's a little problem in the toilets, two gay men were having sex and they got stuck!

steve: In each other?

ricky: Yeah, yeah, and he went "Right. I'd say is it the same fella ye- as yesterday with the viagra? If so, why was he let in again, who was on the door"?

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: I went "it's not. It's two different people". He di- he goes "right".

steve: (Imitating Karl's questions) Does his wife know he's cheating on him?

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah! He went "Right, I'd go down, I- I'd go"- and then he went "(angrily) Ohh, I'd say 'this isn't a restaraunt problem, call an ambulance'".

ricky: Strictly speaking not a restaraunt problem, no!

karl: But am I right?

ricky: Huh?

karl: Am I right?

ricky: Well... I dunno.

karl: Would you give me the job, if- if say like you were the boss of that restaraunt an-

ricky: Do you- Do you know what I like about this? At no point did he say "Gervais, why're you being so mental"?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Why would someone get stuck 'cos they took viagra by mistake, and two people would get stuck in each other and-

steve: But you've heard the stories from his past-

steve: That is a perfectly legitimate situation to find himself in!

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah yeah! What would you do if there was two fellas with big heads and webbed feet, and they had a horse in a- (Imitating Karl) "Well, what I'd do is-" What would you do, what did you do when you first saw 'em?

karl: When I saw the urr...

ricky: The kids-

karl: Lads with big heads?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: Uhmm, I though-

steve: We should very quickly remind people if they didn't listen to that particular show, urr... they were- they had webbed hands? Did they, or webbed feet?

karl: Well, they- they had webbed hands.

steve: Right.

karl: And big heads.

steve: And enormous heads.

karl: But it wasn't related.

ricky: (Bemused) But they weren't related?

steve: I dunno - they were completely seperate people.

karl: No no, no but I'm saying that the webbed hands isn't due to the fact they've got a big head.

steve: No, sure.

karl: It's two different things, they were just unlucky.

ricky: No, Hold on, if they weren't related, and they both had webbed hands and big heads, I'm saying there was a condition that had- that was related that had those two con-

karl: I don't think there was.

ricky: So what do you think the chances of that are? They're not related, and he goes "Oh, you've got a big head and webbed hands as well". "Yeah, it's just a coincidence, 'innit."

karl: Yep. I don- I honestly don't think it was related.

steve: Right.

karl: Because I've- I've seen I've- I've since seen th- the same problem again on another kid with a big head. His hands look good.

steve: Right, so you think the big head is just a seperate issue.

karl: Yeah, it's a totally different illness. It's like having a headache and a cold at the same time.

steve: Right, so not all connected.

karl: But the weird thing is right-

karl: Lookin- looking round in the week at weird stuff on the urr... on the internet. There's this woman who's got a big head.

steve: Aaah, yeah.

karl: And urmm... She was fed up with it because when she was walking down the street, it was so big she couldn't hold it up.

steve: (Confused) Right... she couldn't hold it up...

ricky: (Laughing) Oh god! For god's sake!

steve: No, keep- shut up! She couldn't hold it up.

karl: So when she was walking, sh- her eyes were hurting because she had to sort of look up all the time 'cos her head was that heavy, her chin was sort of balanced on her chest.

steve: Right.

karl: Right?

steve: She'd have to peek up- yeah.

karl: So urr, she goes to the doctors, and this was after years and years and said you know "I thought I could put up with it but I can't".

ricky: How big was her head?

steve: It's big, Rick.

karl: I- I don't know if it was like big, 'cos there wasn't a picture, I don't know if it was just big or a lot of bone, so it was heavy.

ricky: Right, like the Elephant Man just outcrops.

karl: Yeah, so urr... the doctor said "Yeah. Urrm, we can sort that out. Urmm, but we'll have to take your head off".

ricky: (Angrily) Right. OK, so-

steve: No, keep going!

karl: No, 'cos I- again, I... What you don't seem to understand is I have the same reaction to you when I s- see it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What?

steve: You're quizzical yourself. You're suspicious.

karl: So they looked at it. They took her head off, urmm... Chipped away a bit of the bone.

steve: Mm-hmm.

karl: Made her head lighter. Put it back on.

ricky: Right, play The Smiths.

steve: (Scornfully) They took a woman's head off!

ricky: Yeah. This is Ask by The Smiths.

steve: (Mock DJ tone) And if you'd like to ask Karl something, details coming up soon!

ricky: Ask. By The Smiths, on Xfm 104.9. So urr, what's the e-mail Karl? If people wanna ask you something; a problem, they've got a problem to solve. It can be anything - it could be a personal problem, it could be a scenario... I could be abou- urr... It could be about... war. It could be anything. But do you-

steve: Or it could be more flippant I suppose.

ricky: Yeah, yeah it could be.

karl: Yeah but I prefer stuff that I could sort-

steve: That you could get your teeth into.

karl: And actually, you know, sort out.

steve: What like war?

karl: War is too... A bit, a bit big for me that one.

ricky: Do you think?

karl: (Yawning) I don't want to get into that.

ricky: What do you mean?! If Tony Blair came to you and he went "Karl, listen I'm having a bit of trouble here. I don- I don't know what to do, I've tried everything: I've tried spin, I've tried being tough, I've tried backing down, I've tried getting other countries involved, they don't want to know... What do I do? What do I do?

karl: Dunno.

ricky: You don't know?

karl: Tricky one.

ricky: It is a tricky one, yeah.

karl: I don't worry about it, if it's gonna happen it's gonna happen 'innit?

ricky: Yep.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Yep.

karl: Get in the bath, put a mattress on- on top of you... That's it.

ricky: Sorry, why- why're you doing that?

steve: Wooooh, slow down.

ricky: Why're you doing that?

karl: That's what they say you do, innit, if it kicks off.

steve: If what kicks off?

karl: If th- If there's a war an' that, you- you get in the bath, put a mattress on top.

steve: Right... Did they do that in the Second World War, for 6 years?

ricky: Was that make- making bunk beds?

karl: It's just what I read somewhere.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You ge- Is the bath full of water?

karl: Urr... No, no no. That'd be daft.

steve: Ok...

ricky: I think they- I think they were enamel baths then though, I think they would've stopped a bit of shrapnel. I think the plastic ones you get nowadays would probably melt on you. And the mattress - where you dad has cut it in half - all the foam would come out and the springs would get you in the eye.

karl: Oooh. Talking 'bout me dad. Steve you'll love this, right.

steve: Go on.

karl: Urmm... Me dad hates urr, he hates being ripped off right?

steve: Yes. Well I can relate to that, it's important.

karl: Urr... hates coming to London now, he always wants me to go and see them rather than come here 'cos it- he just thinks London is like a big ripoff.

steve: Mmm.

karl: Urr, last time he came he got annoyed 'cos I bought him a scone and a cup of tea for like 3 of us and it was £14 and he's jus- he was livid.

karl: And then we had an argument about that, and then we went to the Millenium wheel, and I said "do you fancy going on this"? And he said "Urrh, alright then", then he saw the price, and it was something like 20 quid or something and he said "20 quid to go on on- up in the air to look at stuff that's on the ground"? He said "I might as well stay on the ground".

steve: Brilliant.

karl: Alright? I thought "good point".

steve: His logic is impeccable.

karl: So anyway, this is going on, anyway. He spoke to me the other day, I said "how're things, are you alright an' that", he said "eeurgh, been ripped off". I said "Why?", he said he ordered - do you know the place where he got a new bed from because he cut the other one in half, right.

steve: Of course, yeah.

karl: He urr, he got this bed out of the catalog. So urr... so he sorted out a payment on the phone, he said "look, you're ripping me off a bit here on the interest thing, but urrm w- let's do a deal, we'll sort out a new monthly payment that's different to th- what it says in the catalog". And they said "yeah we'll go along with that". Anyway, so he sorted that out, he was happy, the bed arrives, it's a nice bed he say's "that's great". So anyway... urr... he got the bill for it, and it was the original price.

steve: Ooooh. I thought that might be the case, yeah.

karl: All right? So they called up and said "I'm not happy with this", he said "we said a deal on that", "Oh... no, dunno what you're talking about". He said "right, don't send me your catalogs anymore." He said, "I'm no- I'm not buying anything from you, you're ripoff merchants".

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: Urmm... So anyway few- a few weeks go by, post comes. Only another catalog, in the post.

steve: Awwww. He's livid.

karl: Right, so he was well annoyed.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So he looked on the back, and it said on it 'this catalog will always be property of - you know, the company that- that does it. Urmm, so w- you can't throw it away. If- if we request to have it back, we've got pe- permission to get it back off you.

steve: Right.

karl: Right? So he though "right, well they're out of order, I told them not to send me one, and they have done, and they're saying I can't chuck it away". So he called them up, and said urr "alright, Mr. Pilkington here, bought a bed off you, you've conned me an' that, but, you know, forget that".

steve: Yeah.

karl: "We've dealt with that. You've sent me a catalog, I told you not to. It says on the back here that this will always be yours, yeah. So in a way, you're using my house as a warehouse. I'll be charging you 26 pence" or something, a day.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: He said "you already owe me £6.28. Something like that.

steve: (Laughing) Genius.

karl: And urr... yeah, he's sorted it out. So again, you know it's-

steve: So hang on, but are they going along with this?

karl: I don't know what happened, he said they sound annoyed and said they'd get back to him and they haven't, but he said "I'm not bothered, they can take as long as they want, cos the money just keeps going up".

steve: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, what sort of profit has he made so far?

karl: Well, when I spoke to him in the week it was like £6 odd, that was- I think that was on Tuesday, so it- it's... you know he's just leaving it, it's like an investment.

ricky: It's like an investment!

steve: It's like an antique he's bought.

karl: It's just... yeah, it's just going up everyday, so urr...

steve: Well, keep us posted on that, that's dynamite. I- one, one day we need to speak to your father.

ricky: Yeah, I think so.

steve: So many questions to be asked of him.

ricky: I think we do. In fact, I might sen- give you a letter to take home.

steve: (Laughing) Yeah!

ricky: Dear Mr. Pilkington. Your son Karl...

steve: New single from Nick Cave, urr I think we mention-

ricky: I'm looking forward to it.

steve: That's the urr... forthcoming single from Nick Cave, from his album Nocturama, that's called Bring It On.

ricky: That's great... I mus- I must admit, I was a latecomer to Nick Cave.

steve: It's extrodinary yeah...

ricky: I mean, years into his solo stuff before I decided that he was brilliant.

steve: Mmm, yeah.

ricky: Fantastic.

steve: Hmm he's fantastic... Umm, I had some exciting news this week Karl, you'll be pleased to find out. Umm I don- I'm worried that you might get a little bit jealous, cos it's obviously gonna impact on your world quite strongly cos I know you think- you like things to be quite, quite sa- you know, samey, you like the status quo to be mantained... You like the fact that in the past, you know we've had some cross words, you know cos you've- I remember, what did you think of me when I first walked in? When I first came in on the first day on Xfm?

karl: Ye- yeah but... I don't know why you're making a big deal out of it cos-

steve: Do you wanna bring- Do you wanna-

karl: I'm just being honest though.

steve: Well...

karl: I'm just being honest, I bet a lot of people who see you for the first time sort of go "well, he's a bit weird".

steve: Ooooh. Oooh.

ricky: (Laughing) I love the fact Steve, that you bought it up! And then you're again yo-

steve: But I'm sure that wasn't what he said before... Did he say it before?

ricky: No he did. Yeah well-

steve: "He's a bit weird?"

ricky: Well he looked at you, and I knew, I could see by the look on his face, you know when urr... when you know you- your kid and you're kid's sort of scared of something and they go "why's you kid sca-" and he goes "oh he doesn't like pigeons" or spiders.

steve: Right.

ricky: It was like that, when I saw Karl and I- I bought you in and I went "what do you think of that, Karl, I could see the look on his face that he di- he was disturbed...

steve: Sure.

ricky: And then as he said... you get used to it don't you?

karl: Yeah, you get used to it. And yo- you have changed a little bit, your hairs a bit smarter now, and you've got some nicer glasses an' that, I think.

karl: Or I might have just got used to it.

ricky: Well, don- don't bring it up Steve, don't look at me like that!

steve: So you're saying that you think some other people in the office thought the same? Do you know that for sure?

ricky: Karl!

steve: Did you discuss it?

ricky: Karl.

karl: Yeah, I thi- I think they do yeah.

ricky: OK, leave it there then.

karl: But not just in the office...

karl: ...as you walk around London.

ricky: Ohh it's worse than you ever though!

steve: Well no, it's not worse than I ever thought, because as you well know Ricky Gervais, ur- what did I do on urr- Thursday morning?

ricky: Oh, is this the thing... urr...

steve: For those urr that are urr, are not of the female persuasion listening, there's a magazine, apparently it sells quite well, it's one of the sort of female you know kind of issues magazines, it's called 'Company' magazine. You know, it's like your sort of... I guess it's a bit like your Moore or your Vanity Fair or whatever.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Anyway, they run every year, the 50 most elligible bachelors in Great Britain section. Ding dong, hello! Who's in there, this year? In the 50, in the top 50 of the entire country?

ricky: And then they vo- they vote and they put them in order and see who's the most elligible bachelor-

steve: But that's of- that's 50 people, right, most of- th- I mean th- I... It always annoys me slightly because bachelor it- it- it kind of seems like a more sophisticated word for loser.

ricky: Yeah, I know.

steve: Doesn't it, which always sort of...

ricky: And also they try and do a different 50 every year, so they're getting pretty desperate to get different ones...

steve: No, no, no, no, no, no...

ricky: Cos there's not many... Cos also a lot of people who're sort of like successful an- an- that are- are married, so there's very little to... Go on though.

steve: No no no no no, there's a huge... I don't know if this is international, it could even be international I'm not sure...

ricky: Sure.

steve: ...actually which means I could be up there with the likes of Justin Timberlake...

ricky: Sure.

steve: Etc. So urr- Fred Durst.

ricky: Yep.

steve: That sort of person, you know. So lo- so anyway, this is what's exciting right, although I'm slightly frustrated because they were telling me that last year, alright they ga- cos what happens is they all- the readers of the magazine, they all vote for who they think is number one, most elligible bachelor right. Last year, the urr- the prize was a two week trip in the Bahama's... ok. This year, I'm annoyed, because all I'm gonna win is a moped. That's the prize you see-

ricky: Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. Backtrack. Sorry?

steve: What?

ricky: Last year, was a... two week trip to the Bahama's, and this year what?

steve: Just a mobile mop-

ricky: All you're gonna win is a moped?

steve: Yeah I'm so-

ricky: You're no- you've got no chance. You've got no chance. Who else is in it?

steve: Well, I dunno... lot's and lot's of people you've never heard of, I know Duncan from Blue was in-

ricky: Ding! So, so you're second to him at least, already. I imagine you're s- you're gonna come behind the other 49.

steve: Nooo Noo Noo Noo Noo.

ricky: So urr...

steve: Noo Noo Noo...

ricky: But- but- you know...

steve: Because people voting for me, they need to vote for me.

ricky: Yep, yep Steve. I was-

steve: No, they can see my photo and th-

ricky: I was... Yeah, according to Heat, I was 22nd most sexy man in the world.

steve: I'd better take that helmet back.

ricky: I would.

ricky: ACDC.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: And You Shook Me All Night Long, on Xfm 104.9. Well this show is a-rockin'!

steve: It is. It is.

ricky: Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. I came up with a new urr... umm... strand for Karl as well, he likes- he's always got- you know we've done- I don't think there's a week gone when we haven't mentioned an 'hairy kid'.

steve: A hairy child, right.

ricky: Yep, yep. Urr- and urr- some related to a monkey and that, and I thought you could do a regular thing where he's got to come up with a story about a- an ape or a- a monkey, and it's called Chimpanzee That!

steve: (Laughing) Of course.

karl: I have- I have got one but I can't remember it at the moment so I'll just have to think-

steve: It'll come to you maybe during the show.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Well listen, while you're thinking about that, while you're stewing on that, here's a problem that someone's e-mailed in. We're taking e-mails today - if you've got a problem, a concern, um- or you know just a general query that you think Karl could answer for you - could be about anything, could be about some of the big philosophical questions-

ricky: Yep.

steve: Urmm it could be you know something to do with war... or famine or anything like that, or it could be a personal dilemna, you know something that's happening locally. Anyway this seems one that I think you probably have- you and your father have probably come across this sort of dilemna in the past.

karl: Mmm.

steve: And I'd be interested to know what your take is on it. Urr let me see, this is from Lee Matthews by the look of it, he says I li- he lives in a surburban area, where the local teenagers also live on the same road, and they're running riot: they're smashing wing mirrors off the cars, they're crashing into parked cars on their skateboards, and they're just generally making hay- mayhem, you know night and day. Urr what can he do to stop this going on? The parent's to the kids don't seem to give a damn; anyone who complains to them they just say "oh, piss of", you know the police are useless cos they never catch them in the actual act of violence which is what they've got to do to urr- apparently convict them, so they urr- they don't know who to turn to really. It's rather like when the little old lady got the A-Team you know.

ricky: (Over Steve) It's great, you- you know, and he was dressed as an elderly Chinaman.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: She knew- she knew who he was, Colonel Decker didn't have a clue.

steve: Yeah.

karl: See, it's weird cos now- now it has got out of hand.

ricky: Sure.

karl: Do you know what I mean? Like years ago, where I was growing up on the estate, urrm... yeah, you had problems but not like you have now. Do you know what I mean?

ricky and steve: Mmm.

ricky: Summers were nice as well weren't they? Yep. Police are getting shorter, and younger.

steve: But you yourself, Karl have admitted in the past that you were something of a tearaway. Ye- you didn't do anything like these kids here, but...

karl: Yeah, I mean the thing is, I was scared that if I got caught doing it, me Dad would go mad.

steve: Yes.

karl: And I remember smashing a car window by accident, and legging it in the lounge, and sort of pretending to go asleep on the settee, right.

steve: (Laughing) Genius!

karl: And I heard a knock at the door-

ricky: Chloroformed himself! Just to be unconscious when his dad came home!

karl: And there was a knock on the door and I thought "awww God, this is the fella who saw me". I was chuckin' a stone in the air, seeing how high I could throw it.

steve: (Laughing) Of course you were! Did it keep landing on your head?

steve: That would explain a lot!

karl: And it came down-

ricky: (Laughing) Chuckin' a- a- a stone in the air, love it!

steve: To see how far he could throw it!

ricky: Brilliant!

karl: So, you know I wasn't bothering anyone-

ricky: Did you invent that game?

steve: Did you get the stone for your birthday?

steve: "Go and play with your stone"!

ricky: He gave one to Suzanne!

steve: "Karl, go and play with your stone"!

karl: The thing is right it came down at a fun- funny angle.

ricky: 'Course it did.

karl: It hi- it hit the back of this urr car, and th- the back window is the most expensive cos it has that heating thing in it.

ricky: Yep.

karl: So in case you've got a frosty window.

ricky: Yep.

karl: So I thought "oh, god". So I legged it in, got on the settee, went to sleep, knock at the door...

steve: Genius, it's a brilliant plan.

ricky: (Laughing) Went to sleep!

steve: "I couldn't be guilty, I'm asleep"!

karl: So-

ricky: I love the idea- Ohh!

karl: So the thing is, our lounge, you used to sort of... you cou- you could see in from the door, right. So this family, who urr, who saw me do it le- saw me asleep on the settee, and me mam said "go and get the door" and I sort of went "Whaaa?", as if I'd been asleep.

steve: Yep.

karl: And I went to the door like rubbin' me eyes, and urr the fella said "what did you run off for, I saw you". I was like "aww no". And, I didn't see me dad, I went out, it was when he was working sort of evenings, so I went out so I didn't have to see me dad, and then the next day I came fr- I came home from school, and me dad said "45 quid".

steve: Ooooh.

karl: That's all he said.

steve: That's all he said.

ricky: Why-

karl: An' then he looked at me.

ricky: And then you fell asleep, and he went "wake up, wake up, no, 45 quid, Karl!"

karl: No the thing is- h- h- he didn't have to do-

steve: "£45 Karl, now I know you were saving up for a brick, but you can't have it"!

ricky: (Sniggering) Yeah! Yep!

karl: But do you know what I mean, it's like, I knew I did wrong, urr an' I was scared that me dad was going to belt me.

ricky and steve: Yep.

karl: So I wa- I was like "ooh, wha- you know, I'll be more careful next time an' that".

steve: But that was clearly good parenting on the part of your father, cos these young tykes clearly they don't have the fa- the father's skill.

karl: But that's... What do you do? I don't even know wh-... I don't know-...

steve: If you were living in that street, very quickly, what would your approach be? If you were living in his street.

ricky: What if th- what if they'd come home right and they- they'd just vandalised all your pebbles, right, that you've been saving over the years, and just threw your gravel away. What would you do? If they just...

karl: I'd probably clout one of them.

steve: So you'd use violence.

karl: I think it's the only way sometimes.

steve: Sometimes the only way...

karl: I don't mean, you know really bad, but I'd show 'em that I'm not putting up with this. And th- then the problem is you've got their family coming round and they're probably quite hard...

ricky: Go and sleep! If you hit a kid and the dad comes round, just go to sleep.

steve: Yeah, yeah! Equally, if you're doing a bigger crime, you know, a bank job or a murder...

ricky: Yeah, remember to take the stocking off your head, cos if they wake you up and go "why have you got a stocking on your head" and you just go "ohh I had a weird dream", it won't work.

karl: It's like with our kid, right, he was urrm... I told Ricky about this the other day urr, in the pub. But it's- it never-

steve: Is this your brother?

karl: Yeah-

steve: Cos he was a tearaway wasn't he?

karl: Well yeah, a little bit, but it was more-

steve: He did drive a tank down th- the high street once, didn't he?

karl: Yeah, that's when he was in the army, but urr-

steve: Another story.

karl: But- but this time, I remember urrm... me mam and dad were going out, right, for the evening. And urmm, I must have been about... I dunno, 5 so our Mark was like I dunno s-... probably 18 or something like that, 17, 16, 17, 18...

steve: Yeah.

karl: So our mam and dad go out, and our Mark says to me "right, urr... here's the deal, do you a little deal. I'm gonna have a... load of women round".

karl: "Deal is; I'll let you have your tractor in the house".

steve: Wow, he had a tank, you had a tractor.

ricky: Yeah but urm his- yeah but his brother didn't have the rocks that Karl had.

steve: No, no.

ricky: So he needed the tractor to pull his toys along.

steve: So hang on, hang on, what kind of a man was he, he bought a bunch of women round?

karl: So yeah there was loads of- but do you know when you're a kid, you don't think "ooh, I know what they're up to", you're not bothered are you, do you know what I mean, as long a- as long as I've got my tractor I'm happy.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So I was- I was b-

steve: But wai-

ricky: (Laughing) So he hasn't changed a bit!

steve: But how many women did he have round? Was it just him, and like a bunch of women?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Was it like- fr- what's his name, th- what's his name that bloke, Nedwell from Confessions-

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Confessions of an older brother!

steve: What they all just came round and had a big orgy?

karl: He like- he liked his women, seriously right, me mam and dad had to move, because they got sick of women coming round saying "I've got a kid and it's your Marks". They had to move, cos it got that bad.

ricky: You know- did you hea- when you were playing with your tractor, and there was women running back and forth, in underwear, did you ever hear this noise?

ricky: Did you ever hear that?

steve: Or a kind of-

ricky: And just see your brothers arse, dissapearing down the... hebeing chased by a butcher? Did you ever s-

karl: (Restless) It's not important, is it...

steve: Is that what it's gonna be like, do you think, when I'm voted number 1 most elligible bachelor in Great Britain?

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah! And you come in on your moped...

steve: I'm mean no, I'm- I'm gonna get a tractor.

ricky: Turin Brakes - Paint Killer ('Aaaagh' Summer Rain). On Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: Rockbusters?

karl: Is it that time?

steve: It is indeed, last week of course it was a disaster.

ricky: Yep, every- every Saturday at 16 minutes to 2 we do Rockbusters!

steve: Umm- I have to say that by- I've not really gone through them, but the prizes look ex- exactly the same as they were last week.

ricky: Yep.

steve: There's that t-shirt- there's still-

ricky: So it's a rollover and you haven't added to it? The point of a rollover is you've got to add to it, that's the excitement.

karl: Yeah there's- there's a couple of albums that weren't in...

ricky: Ok.

steve: Ok, well there's also the Fools and Horses video with the free...

ricky: Argh, I don't thi- I'm bloody jealous of that, I like that little yellow thing!

steve: There's a little urm- a little kind of model... three wheeled van.

ricky: (Imitates Del Boy) Ohh, Rodney you plonker!

steve: Aww.

ricky: What's that?

steve: This is... what looks to be some kind of best of, of the Stereo MC's.

ricky: (Extremely muffled - imitating Rodney) Don't call me a plonker you fucking wanker!

steve: The David Attenborough DVD Collection...

ricky: (Inaudible) Oh, I'm... Unc's shit himself again...

steve: Ohh, yeah the big prize that we-

ricky: (Still inaudible) Boycie you fucking- ...

ricky: Cassandra... get out... (makes squealing noise)

steve: Who is that supposed to be an impression of, which member of the cast is that?

steve: Is that cheeky Del?

ricky: (Laughing) I don't know...

steve: Best Chillout album ever, best air guitar Volume 2...

ricky: Brilliant, brilliant.

steve: And of course, for all our fans: Doctor Who - The Aztecs. That's on DVD and that's one of the William Hartnell Doctor Who...

ricky: (Starts mumbling inaudibly again) Trigger you... come 'ere...

steve: That's the worse impression I've ever heard!

ricky: Right, Rockbusters then! (Mumbles again) Corr... you... (keeps mumbling over Karl)

karl: Right... three urr... three cryptic stuff... oh, come on

ricky: (Stops mumbling) Right. (Starts mumbling again)

karl: Three... I can- I can't do it.

ricky: No, come on!

karl: Right three... three urr cryptic urr clues.

steve: Some of which may be wrong.

ricky: Yeah, and urr don't take the letters literally!

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Right, go on.

karl: And some initials and it makes up a- makes up a band, so umm... here we go then. There's three of them and you e-mail in, [email protected]

ricky: Yep. Sure.

karl: Right, here we go then. Urr, number 1. Urr - the weather stinks 'dunnit?

steve: The weather stinks 'dunnit?

karl: Yep, urr that's R.

steve: That's R. The weather stinks, 'dunnit.

karl: Yep. Second one - look, Gran, just get on the boat and help us out.

steve: Alright, give us that again?

karl: Look, Gran, just get on the boat and help us out.

steve: Look, Gran, just get on the boat and help us out, what's the initial?

karl: R again.

steve: R again, interesting.

karl: Yep, yep. And then the third one, urr... if you're gonna do that with your drink, I'd let it settle for a bit before you open it. CK.

steve: CK...

karl: Alright?

steve: Once more?

karl: So quickly, all the way through then. Number 1, urr - the weather stinks 'dunnit? That's R. Urr - Look, Gran, just get on the boat and help us out, will you? That's R as well. And then the last one - if you're gonna do that to your drink, I'd let it settle for a bit before you open it. CK.

steve: [email protected]

karl: Brilliant.

steve: Fantastic.

karl: Well, we'll have a bit of vinyl?

steve: Let's have a classic, let's have a classic from the urr- the Merchant collection.

ricky: You plonker!

ricky: That's gonna be the new single from Eminem - Sing for the moment. I like that.

steve: It's not bad.

ricky: On Xfm 104.9 - Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Alright Karl?

karl: (Quietly) Alright?

ricky: What's the matter? Uh?

karl: Just urm... you know what's the matter.

steve: Should I explain?

karl: If you want.

steve: I'm sort of an independent adjudicator, and I couldn't help but notice that you both went out to make the teas, but only one of you came back with a wig made out of that... poppy stuff you pack-

ricky: Bubble wrap.

steve: Bubble wrap, yeah.

ricky: And th- he didn't want me to do it with sellotape, so I kindly did it with elastic bands, that I found-

steve: That's nice.

ricky: Apparently it hurt his ear; it's cut into his head, urr right and urr- look at him, he's annoyed! I dunno wh- I-

steve: It's not many urr- many times I've ever done, you know any form of work really where halfway through it- you know, let's say a two hour radio show, one of the people has said to the other "can i make out of this big cardboard box a bishops hat for you"?

ricky: Well I did that-

steve: And start fashioning that...

ricky: And yeah- but the sellotape hurt his eyebrows, so when we went to the kitchen I kindly did it with elastic bands, and th- that was cutting into his ear or something, I dunno, making excuses. Awww.

steve: Karl, you are here for Ricky Gervais' amusement.

karl: Mmm.

steve: I think if you check the small print of your contract...

ricky: Have you got a m- have you got anything interesting about a monkey, or an ape so we can do Chimpanzee That?

karl: I know something that a lot of other people will know, but I'll-

ricky: Well, th- let's do it then.

steve: Chimpanz- Chi- what's it called again?

ricky: Well shall we do a jingle?

steve: Do a little jingle for us then.

ricky: Ooooh, Chimpanzee That!

steve: (Laughing) Brilliant, that's great. So I look forward to that every week.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And urr, what's the interesting chimp fact?

ricky: Go on give us a chimp fact.

karl: Urr, right. It's about urrm, this monkey ages ago.

steve: Of course.

karl: Don't know where it happened.

ricky: 17th century?

karl: I think it was a chimp. Right. Urr... got caught having a fag.

karl: Do you know it?

ricky: What do you mean, 'do I know it'? Oh narrow it down, loads of chimps are caught with Woodbines!

steve: He got caught having a fag!

karl: So it was sent to court...

steve: What was it underage?

karl: And urr- it was urr-

steve: And it got someone to go into the newsagent for him?

ricky: Did he get a bigger gorilla to go into the newsagent and get him 20 Rothmans?

karl: It ended up doing time. Because it was- it was s-

steve: Go back a minute, wait a minute, woah woah woah woah.

karl: No, I don't know the f- that's as much as I know, so there's no point going-

ricky: That is as much as you know, 'innit. Quite literally!

steve: Sorry, but why did he go to prison?

karl: Urr, it- it's against the law to have a monkey having a fag.

ricky: In a built up area! What are you talking about, it's against the law for a monkey to have a fag? What if it got it himself, even if it just, what about if it- if it earned it himself, just like moving tyre's round or mockin- muckin- mucking out the zebras?

karl: I don't know the full story, that's-

ricky: You don't know the full story, do you.

karl: But do you think-

ricky: You never do, do you.

karl: -Cos I presume it was a monkey from a zoo, right?

ricky: Yep.

karl: Do you think it'd be fed up, though? Cos in a way it's an home from home, innit? When I read it, I didn't think it was that bad cos-

steve: Karl, they don't put monkeys in prison.

ricky: They didn't put the monkey in a prison.

steve: They're overcrowded. They haven't got the space.

karl: Well... Well, again I'll find it, and give you th- like, where- where I got it from-

ricky: Chuck Harris was furious, cos the monkey got the top bunk.

steve: Yeah...

karl: Can I just urr...

ricky: And he- th- Ok then, Ooooh, Chimpanzee That! Another one next week.

karl: I don't think so.

karl: Urr, Rockbusters, right. Let me just recap.

steve: Yep, cos actually I have to say Karl, you've really stumped people this week.

karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Oh God.

steve: Well either that or they just can't be bothered anymore.

ricky: Or they're wrong again.

karl: No, no, right.

steve: I think the prizes are so pitiful they can't be arsed.

karl: Let me just explain it again just in case they don't understand it. It's a cryptic clue-

ricky: Right.

karl: And it makes up a band, and the initial that I give-

ricky: Sometimes.

karl: -Is the initial that the band... or s- or the artist starts off with, so last week... Urr, well wi- I can't remember, but we did- we did AK - an exploding pet - Atomic Kitten. That explains it.

ricky: Yep.

karl: So very quickly, number one-

ricky: No, last week we did urr- FP, urr but you gave out the clue FD - Freda Payne.

karl: Yeah, it was- it was an error. So, first one-

steve: They're alright this week though, are they?

karl: Yep. The weather stinks, dunnit? That's- that's the cryptic clue, and the letter is R. Urr, number two-

ricky: That's 'The Rainy Smell Boys'.

karl: Right, urr... Look Gran, just get on the boat and help us out, will you? Urr, that's R as well. And the last one - if... you're gonn-

ricky: That's Rigg- That's Rigging Nanny.

karl: If you're gonna do that to your drink, I'd let it settle for a bit before you open it, that's CK.

ricky: Right.

steve: [email protected], plus keep your urr problems and queries coming for Karl, we've got another one here as well, which I'd like to give you after the next track. Urr, if I may. Alright?

karl: Alright.

ricky: You've got a problem, haven't you.

karl: Not reall- oh yeah.

ricky: Let's urr- listen to this, Karl- listen to this, Steve.

steve: Let's play a record, let's come back with this.

karl: Mmm.

ricky: It's an amazing problem.

ricky: Well. Are you getting celebrities asking you questions now Karl? That's David Bowie, is there life on Mars... D'you reckon?

karl: Urr, I reckon there's more going on than just us...

karl: ...messing about. I reckon.

steve: I hope so.

karl: I think.

ricky: Tell Steve the problem that you urr- you air- aired to me.

karl: Well umm... D'you know like how I'm always thinking about stuff, when I'm washing up.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: I th- I'm just gonna look at Steve, for the reaction when this question comes out. OK.

karl: There's been a few things I've been thinking about. D'you know like how I tried to confuse a computer, by putting in 'why' in the search engine?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Sat- it's along these lines of-... I was thinking in the week: if you urr put a chameleon on a mirror, what would happen.

steve: Right...

karl: And also, if- this is a bit of a bigger issue... We're always making more and more stuff, right. I- umm, in the world. You know, big buildings, big planes, big boats and that.

steve: Mm-hmm.

karl: Will we ever get to a point where all this is too heavy for the world to handle?

ricky: Right, what error has he made there, Steve? What physical, scientific... error has he made there, with that question?

steve: I can- I can't begin to explain it.

ricky: Karl, we're not getting the rocks from other planets. It's already here! It's like having a... It's like having umm... a big pile of books in a room and then moving them over to the other side of the room and then building a thing and going "Oh, can the room take it, I'm building a lot of things out of these books".

karl: What abou- what about plastic. Where has that come from?

ricky: Other chemicals that existed on the planet.

karl: Mmm.

ricky: Do you see- do you see the point?

steve: Hang on a minute though. What about a little tree? You plant that, and that's an acorn... it grows, Rick, that's bigger, that's more stuff.

karl: Mmm, yeah.

ricky: Don't listen to him Karl, he's patronising you.

karl: What about acorns an' that though?

ricky: Right, they- they ta- they grow from minerals and proteins already in our atmosphere, or in our... umm, the mass of earth.

steve: What about a cat, Karl, right you get it and it's a very tiny kitten, but it grows up and it's bigger.

ricky: Karl, he's ch- he's doing it on purpose.

karl: Elephants?

steve: Elephants, they st- they're very small to begin with but they get bigger and bigger and bigger, so they get heavier and heavier.

karl: Mind you, the dinosaurs have gone.

steve: You know- but you know-

steve: But you know umm... but you know that's- you know famously that's how Atlantis w- dissapeared. You know th- you've he- you've heard of the legend of Atlantis. Have you heard of the legend of Atlantis?

karl: I think so, go on.

steve: This was- this was a city that existed - it's proven...

karl: Yep.

steve: Right and what happened is they just kept buying stuff in, mail order. They just kept ordering stuff, like the king and stuff- just kept ordering stuff in mail order. He brought girls across, you know-

ricky: Carpets, a lot of carpets.

steve: Carpets he kept buying, TV se- big screen TV's and stuff like that and eventually-

ricky: He bought up all the myrrh, that the wise men didn't want.

steve: Yeah he just- cos he's from like olden times, and he just kept buying stuff, crazy, like he was just a shopaholic basically.

ricky: Mental it was.

steve: And he was ludicrous, it was li- an- and in the end it was too heavy and it just sunk.

ricky: So that's what will happen to the earth - the more planes we build, the more trees we let grow-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -from acorns...

steve: And more than that, what about all the er- the people who are overeating?

ricky: There's a- onl- yeah, I think there's only one thing to do-

steve: Rik Waller's in this world.

ricky: I think we've got to- I think we've got to kill off endangered species and burn trees. That's the only way the earth can survive! You... mental. Right, what're you doing?

karl: Right, err...

steve: Ok, look, quick umm query for you, this is from uh Jay, he's got a problem here. Urmm, he says uh: "My parents won't let me ditch my studies-" - he's currently reading modern languages at London University.

ricky: Sure.

steve: He wants to follow his dream but his parents won't let him, of being a dancer, Karl. Worse than that, he says that they've tried to arrange a marriage to a bunch of urr- minging daughters of people they know from good families. He doesn't know what to do, so he's got the arrange marriaged l- coming along and he's also got- you know, he's basically wants to you know, he basically wants to be a dancer, his parents are forcing him into umm something more practical.

karl: Well the first thing right, I don't think-

steve: Live your dreams?

karl: Th- the arranged marriage thing is such a bad idea.

steve: Ok.

karl: Cos I think so many people go on looks.

steve: Right,

karl: And then you soon get bored of that.

steve: Mm-hmm.

karl: And you find out the person who you're knocking about with is actually not your type.

steve: Right...

ricky: Why don't you arrange marriages for people?

karl: Well... I'm just saying right, so I'd say urr Jay, go along with that. I wouldn't worry about it.

steve: Ok.

karl: I mean, if they're really ugly then you know don't go along with it but if they're half bad... put up with it.

steve: Yeah, sure.

karl: Right, the dancing-

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: That's that solved.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: I wanted to be a dancer.

karl: After I did the boxing, right urr I joined a- joined a dancing thing, just near urr Man. United's ground, called Twiggy's.

karl: Went along, I wanted to learn some moves and that-

steve: How old were you?

karl: Well it was when Michael Jackson was like... pretty big, so... eighty...

ricky: Five?

karl: Eighty Three, Eighty Four, Eighty Five, something like that, round there. Urrm wanted to do it, urrm when I went it was shut and a- it had become like a warehouse for toilet rolls. But in a way, I wonder what would've happened-

ricky: Sorry, sorry, how is that an anecdote about you going through dancing? You told me before you did boxing for a while and you did dancing for a while. You had two fight in the boxing, you didn't even get in the bl-... That's not an an-... You-... Imagine if that was a film! (Imitates trailer voiceover) This is about a boy's dream of becoming a dancer. (Imitates character, whistling) Oh, it's shut. Next on... I mean, you-... how is that a story?

steve: Yeah if that was Billy Elliot do you think it-

steve: Would it have won quite as many awards?

ricky: Yeah, yeah. U- brilliant, Footlose! 'Alright, I'm fed up, they've banned it, let's go- oh, it's shut'... Flashdance! 'First, there was' (Ricky imitates a door knock) 'Oh, it's a warehouse. Nevermind'. You...

karl: I'm j- I'm just saying, you know, you'll find something else, I ca- I think I got a go-kart after that.

karl: I bought a motorised go-kart, and tha- kept meself busy with that, so...

karl: There's al- always other things.

ricky: Just think, Alan Bennett has to sit down and really sweat over his stories.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: He just opens his mouth.

steve: You are a living Alan Bennett character.

karl: So that's that.

steve: So that's that solved, well Jay, don't worry about that, there's no emotional there- no emotional problems I can forsee, if you follow that advice...

ricky: So the advice there is do an arranged marriage i- i- if-

steve: If she's not half ugly.

ricky: If she's not minging, yeah, she's not completely minging.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Urr and don't worry about dancing, get a go-kart, cheers.

steve: Great, keep your problems coming in!

ricky: Truth Rest Your Head by Gene, on Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. While I was urr- with Karl, in that restaraunt while I was giving him the urr you know the problems, the old fella with the viagra and the two fellas making love in the urr- in the cubicle, urmm... we came up with a new idea umm cos he w- he's dumping umm Do We Need 'Em, like I say he thinks the scientists have got together and they're never gonna wipe out a limpet or a... a slug. Umm... They... They Think They're Good but They're not that Good. This is people who are lorded as great minds, right and Karl has brought them down.

steve: He's taken issue with them.

ricky: I went "like what" he went "right, umm great thinkers" and I went "Ok then, Sir Isaac Newton". Th- The father of modern physics. He went "is he the fella with the apple"? I went "yep", he went "there again, see, why do I need to know that the earth sucks us towards it, gravity". He said "if I was floating around it would be a problem, I'd ask his opinion.

ricky: I went "what about Einstein"? He went "again, I've never needed-", and this is what he said "I've never needed MC Squared in my life. The fella who invented the video, I watch one a day".

karl: Do you know what I mean though? Give credit where credit's due.

steve: Right.

karl: And I think that a lot of the stuff that was invented, like when we were talking about inventions, urmm, you know I started to look in books an' that, finding stuff out. And there was some fella who got a mention, on- on some invention site, just because he came up with the fish bowl. And it's like... is it that hard?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Do you know what I mean, it's clearly a-

ricky: Sorry, you're- you're not putting him into the same category as Newton and Einstein are you?

karl: He was on the same list. Einstein was on there, it was saying about him doing that. And Newton with the apple. And urr, who else was on there? Da Vinci, or whatever? He was on there...

ricky: Leonardo da Vinci?

karl: Yep. Urr... is he the one who did the Mona Lisa as well?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, it said- it said it took him 12 years to paint the lips. I don't think that's th- that good, that it takes that long. I saw... you know, when you think I saw Tony Hart do like urr an aborigian man with an elephant in the background, took him about 3 minutes.

ricky: Aborigian... An Aborigian? Really, and a heffalunt?

steve: So what about some of the big names- what's you- what's you- what's your first reaction when I say some big names from history.

karl: Go on.

steve: Gandhi.

karl: Urr... again, what did he do?

ricky: Good point, good point, good point.

steve: Right... Ok, alright. But do you- do you understand what he represents?

karl: Well go on, tell me and I'll see if he deserves to...

steve: But you know how it's his whole kind of attitude towards peaceful- peaceful protest. You know it's quite a sort of modern idea, you know. You know very much the forefather of you know urr the 60's movement, you know. The way people would sort of sit in, you know and protest, you know.

ricky: Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve. Right look at the glazed look on his face.

steve: Did I lose him on Gandhi?

ricky: Yep.

steve: Yep.

ricky: So just- it's-

karl: Pick someone else, do someone else.

ricky: Pick someone else urr- someone you know about that's obviously umm... Awww let's think a great a- a great thinker - Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

karl: Alright? Yeah, he's alright...

ricky: Brilliant, thanks. What about...

steve: What about Jesus Christ?

karl: Well I'm thinking more like your modern day your Richard Branson's and that. Who like, you know...

steve: I woul- To be fair, I wouldn't put Richard Branson up with Gandhi...

ricky: Christ, Newton, Einstein...

karl: But why?

ricky: Stephen Hawking!

steve: Because he's mainly known for having a beard and a funny jumper. To be honest, then you'd have to start including Noel Edmon-

ricky: No that's Noel Edmonds, yeah you keep- you're getting confused there.

steve: But Branson's a businessman, he's not one of the great sort of... you know, scientific minds.

karl: Yeah but I think in time, right in time-

ricky: Whereas Clive Sinclair... in his little car, on his way to work, brilliant.

karl: No, but in time there's certain things like the apple falling off a tree.

steve: Right...

karl: Whoever was sat there would have gone "that's a bit odd". Do you know what I mean, it was just that they were there first.

steve: But to be fair, Christ instigated 2000 years of umm religion, based on his teachings, Richard Branson - to be fair - he did launch Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells.

ricky: Yeah, see the difference?

steve: They're not quite comparable.

karl: It just it depends what you get impressed by 'dunnit, Suzanne's always saying-

ricky: Maybe Ei- maybe Newton was there and he was coming up with a brilliant theory, like amazing, he was probably inventing the helicopter, right, the apple hit on the head and he went "the earth's suckin' me. The Earth's suckin' me." Do you know what I mean?

karl: Could've happened. But Su- you know, me girlfriend's always saying urr... you know, "what impresses you"?

steve: Yeah.

karl: You know, j- because you were saying the other day "do you want to go to Egypt", and I said "no, not really..."

steve: No.

karl: She goes "well don't you want to see the pyramids"?

steve: Not interested.

karl: It's like I've seen them on the telly. You know, are they gonna be that much more amazing when you see 'em in real life.

ricky: Yep, good point, good point, good point. How did you ever move out of your street in Manchester?

steve: But hang on, no sorry I'm interested to know because this is a- this is something that umm- that he came up with, and this is someone that loves him and that he respects, so I'm interested to see, what was your answer to what impresses you?

karl: Urmm... I don't think I did answer it, I just said you know, the odd- the odd thing-

steve: You just said "I'm asleep".

karl: Little things. Little things, like I- I ran home the other night, and said "oohh, I've just learnt something today". She goes "go on", and urmm- do you know Lego bricks?

steve: Ohh yeah.

karl: The name came about 'cos some kids mam... the kid was messing with the bricks and she said "Le' go of them, and come have your dinner".

ricky: Play a record.

steve: It's got to be rubbish.

ricky: Play a record.

karl: It's always rubbish 'innit, when I say it...

ricky: Well it's- they're Scandinavian for a start...

steve: They're Scandinavian...

karl: Yeah...

ricky: "Boys Are Back in Town", Thin Lizzy. What a classic.

steve: Beautiful.

ricky: Karl, should that be our anthem? Me, you and Steve, eh? Eh? Yeah?

steve: C-can I just get a couple bits of admin out of the way?

ricky: Go on.

steve: We have an email from Peter,he has said uh - where is Richard Anderson?

ricky: Where is Dickers?

steve: He only tuned in to listen to him.

ricky: Where's Dickly? Where is little Dicky Docker?

steve: Little Dicky Anders has not emailed in. And if you don't listen normally, Anders is our biggest fan.

ricky: He loves he us. He lo - he ca - oh, he just absolutely thinks the we're all just -

steve: But he does have a little of constructive criticism.

ricky: Oh, oh yeah. I mean it's not - Yeah, we're open to that sure, sure, sure, sure.

steve: Which we all appreciate.

ricky: What about you? (Inaudible) I'm gonna shove this up your - (roars)

steve: So if Dicky Anders is uh, listening than he might wanna get in touch. Also uh, dear Ricky, I've developed a bit of a fetish for the way you say "Winnersh" in your hit sitcom, The Office. Um -

steve: Tried to get my fiancé to say it, but he hasn't quite mastered it yet. Anyway, we're getting married in Las Vegas in a couple weeks time. Could you please say "Winnersh" on air uh, as a sort of wedding present.

ricky: That is becoming one of the most popular requests at weddings now.

ricky: The me saying "Winnersh". So uh Winnersh. There's a few, I didn't get in, uuuumm ... "Thatcham". "Shinfield" So ... there's, there's a -

steve: And "Woodley". There you are.

ricky: There you go.

steve: That-that's beautiful, that's keeping them happy. Good luck to them, that's uh ... there's a leopard l-leopar ... one of those stupid email names. If you're gonna email us, at least mention your name. Cause otherwise, it's me sounding like a fool.

ricky: "Camelopard", the original name for a giraffe.

steve: Interesting, thanks for that.

ricky: Whereas "Leggo" was invented when a mother had sent someone to get one of those - there was no name for them. So she went "Can you go and get some - ". There was a gap, he went "Oh! Yeah, I'll go and get some - ". Cause they weren't called anything. Brought them back, started playing with the -

ricky: And she went. "Look, gimmie thoes - ". He went "No". She went "Leggo, you idiot!"

steve: Yeah, the actual explanation, various people have emailed us in or phoned in and uh - the company was set up in 1934. It's a Danish company, obviously, yeah. "Lego" comes from the Danish words "leg godt", which means "play well". And it was later discovered that it also meant a Latin phrase that meant "I study" or "I put together". That's the actual uh - Where did you get that from?

karl: But thing is you see, that's where learning has got to be interesting. Cause if it even started like that, I would just go not interested. I'd be looking for -

ricky: Oh! So a fact might be true, but it's just not good enough.

steve: Not interesting enough for you.

ricky: Not interesting enough.

steve: All right, quick dilemma for you, Karl.

ricky: So if Newton would have said uh - apples are attracted to our heads. Be careful, they- they attack ya... that would have been interesting.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Total bollocks, but you'd have been interested there for ... in all modern physics. All right?

steve: Um, here's another dilemma for you. Quick one from Kate. She says she’s a single woman, she is 6 foot tall. Recently, she's found herself being approached by men of let's say restricted height. And she's not desperate, but is it ever acceptable she wants to know now, is it ever acceptable for a tall lady to go out with a person of restricted growth? Uh, what do you think about that? If you say that on the street, do you think it looks bizarre? Do you think it looks odd?

ricky: A 6 foot woman with an um -

steve: Sort of like, a dawrf-ish persuasion

ricky: We can't say sort of that or uh, the midget word, but uh

steve: You can't say that, no.

ricky: But um, a little, a little um, a little fella.

steve: Yeah. So there's a noticeable difference in their height. Is that ever a problem?

ricky: She's 6 foot, he's 3 foot 4.

steve: Yeah.

karl: If I saw her, I'd just think she's doing it to... you know ...

ricky: Okay, okay let's not do this now.

steve: No, no, no come on, she's doing it - what?

karl: No, for attention, in a way.

karl: Becuase there's loads of other people

ricky: See, I told you, Steve.

karl: Yeah I know, but just - do you know what I mean? Is that serious?

steve: I think so.

karl: Well ... I mean if she, whatever makes you happy.

ricky: Please don't ask Karl these sorts of questions.

karl: No, but do you know what I mean? If it makes her happy, then do it. But in a way, you're never gonna have a normal life.

ricky: Oh god.

karl: No but you're not, because they're gonna get stares. It's like bringing trouble onto yourself.

ricky: I'm so sorry. Karl does not necessarily reflect the opinions of -

steve: Of anybody else in the world.

ricky: Hold on. This woman - she doesn't live in the forest in a little cottage, does she? She hasn't got long black hair and wears a sort of -

steve: She says the guy she’s going out with is a miner.

ricky: Really?

steve: In a crystal mine, yeah. And he just sings all day on his way to work.

ricky: Has he got 6 mates?

steve: Apparently so.

ricky: That, okay, what do you think of that, Karl?

karl: I'm still - yeah, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I just was thinking about -

ricky: Someone just called up and called him Dopey.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Didn't they?

karl: I mean whatever, do you know what I mean?

ricky: Why? What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you today?

karl: I'm um, I'm just saying-

ricky: What? You're fed up with people, um, take an issue with some of the stupid things you say. "Lego" was invented by a mother going "Lego of that". What are we gonna do with all the buildings? The earth might collapse. What do you expect people to say? Even our listeners know you're talking rubbish! And some of thoes aren't allowed to wear socks. I mean -

karl: Listen, right. Last week, when I did "Do We Need 'Em", um, do you know when I called up, um, one of the museums, didn't I? Science musuem?

ricky: Yeah. You talking to me?

karl: I'm just saying that I wanted to tell you when the song was on before, but you were so busy listening to it -


karl: Yeah, but we're doing a radio show aren't we?

steve: Alright, what's your point?

karl: Well, I just wanted to say she emailed in to say I said her name wrong, so I'm just apologizing for that.

ricky: What did you call her?

karl: I think I called her Jessica.

ricky: What's her name?

karl: I dunno, I got her email somewhere-

ricky: Well then, this is not an apology! You've got it wrong again!

steve: You've never even said her real name! How is that an apology?

karl: Well, I remmember. I read the email so, uh, yeah I -

ricky: But who are you apology to - apologizing to?

karl: Her real name is Jackie, I think.

ricky: AW, you've got it wrong again, haven't ya?

karl: Uh, well anyway, she said if you wanna see dinosaurs and that, go to the uh, museum.

ricky: You were complaining about that as well, weren't ya? You went to a museum and there was too many dinosaurs. Did you say - you said they just need 4.

karl: No, Steve. Have you ever been to the one in - at - Knightsbridge?

steve: I think so.

karl: This one night I called up, right? It's nice, you go in, you get at good collection of stuff. You walk in, there's 3 or 4 dinosaurs, you've had enough. Right? Go to - I went into New York, right, went to the musuem there? Hundreds of em. You can't move the dinosaurs.

karl: It's almost like, they are responsible for being extinct.

karl: There's loads of them. So what I'm saying is, if you wanna see a dinosaur, um, go to the one in Knightsbridge, they've got a nice selection. Some old vases and stuff.

karl: It's worth going. So uh ...

ricky: Do you work for them? Cause that was a pretty big sell!

karl: I just thought I'd mention-

ricky: That, you could work that into quite an advert I imagine. Brilliant. Karl, wh-what, you're fed up aren't you? Cause you had to get up early.

karl: Well, that's another thing. But, let's um, will we give out the answers for uh -

steve: Let's do that after we play the next tune. Um, I have to say that this - I'm wondering if Rockbusters, like "Do We Need 'Em", is beginning to run it's course. Because this week, we've had very, very few right answers. I think -

ricky: What are you -

steve: It's just getting too complicated.

ricky: Because these clues and these answers are rubbish! Why don't you start doing proper ones?

karl: These are good, we started right off easy.

steve: I don't know, these are ... well, some of them are a but torturous. Are they like -

ricky: They don't work! Some of them don't work!

karl: Come up with some stuff, then!

steve: Let's play a tune.

ricky: Well, I have!

steve: And, uh, we'll come back with the Rockbusters answers in a second.

karl: You haven't come up with anything.

steve: The Gravediggaz, "1-800-suicide". It's a good tune, I always enjoy it.

ricky: Xfm 104.9. Well, that's nearly it from uh Ricky Gervais, that's me. Steve Merchant -

steve: One of the 50 most eligible bachelors in Britain. I hope people as well if you buy Company magazine, if there's any ladies listening. Every week of course I've played your song for the ladies, and now you'll be able to return the favor. And you can vote for me, buy Company magazine, vote for me so I become 50 uh ... the number 1 eligible bachelor -

ricky: That wouldn't mean anything, would it?

steve: What'd you mean?

ricky: That wouldn't mean anything, would it? If they voted you in, and you got - even got into the top 30, wouldn't mean anything. Cause you asked them to do it.

steve: What're you talking about? Course it - cause it means that they care for me enough and they are impressed and charmed by enough that they've actually made the effort. That's beautiful. It's a beautiful gensture.

ricky: That would ruin it.

steve: Well, you know, let's wait and see what the results are.

ricky: Do you think - do you think, what d'you just uh ... you know are we getting off that. Cause we got one. Steve uses a platform to get in the top 48. He's bound to. He's bound to beat a couple of people. Um, but uh what do you think of him now, Karl? Now you've known him for these many years. What'd you think of his looks objectively now that you've known him? Can you remember what you first thought?

karl: Eh, we'll like I've said it's changed a bit. He's sorted himself up a bit. Looks a bit better.

ricky: How? What's he done? What's he done?

karl: I dunno. His hair is better.

ricky: Yeah, what was it before?

karl: It was just a bit ... nothing-y, do you know what I mean? It was like, uh, just like, if you just let your hair grow and do it's own thing. Whereas now it's got a style.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So it looks good.

ricky: Glasses have changed.

karl: His glasses are stylish.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Just stay sat down

ricky: (fighting laughter)Right, Rockbusters! Rockbusters!

steve: Some people like tall men.

ricky: (Still laughing) Yeah, yeah. Go on.

karl: Uh, right, first one. "The weather stinks 'dunnit?"

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That was R. This was Rainbow.

steve: Rain-bow?

karl: Like, like ... "rain" is the weather. It smells. Like "BO".

steve: "BO"? Body oder?

karl: Like body oder.

steve: So it's B.O.?

ricky: "bo", that's with a "W".

karl: Well, yeah, but you got a play on -

ricky: It's not pronounced "bo" and it's not spelled "bow".

karl: Um...

steve: Who calls it "bo"? Everyone knows it's B.O.

karl: Uhm..

ricky: What, you don't care? You don't care that it doesn't work?

karl: Well, they got it so again as long as they can -

steve: One person got it Karl, one person got it. Of all the emails, one person got it.

karl: Um, second one. "Look Gran, just get on the boat, will you, and help us out".

steve: Go on.

karl: That was R. That was Ronan. Ronan, right?

ricky: Ronan. Who's Rolan?

steve: Who ... Rolan? Who's Rolan?

karl: Rolan Keating.

ricky: But he's known as Rolan Keating!

steve: R.K.!

karl: No, he's not anymore though. He's gone on his own now, ain't he? He's just known as Rolan.

steve: No he's not.

ricky: No he's not, he's Rolan Keating.

steve: He's always been known as Rolan Keating.

karl: All right. Um...

ricky: So he doesn't worry bout that then. Next?

karl: Err, "if you're gonna do that with your drink, I'd let it settle for a bit before you open it." That was CK. Chaka Khan. Shake a can. Is he gonna shake a can?

steve: This is the worst competition ever.

karl: So, uh, have you got -

ricky: It's Chaka. It's Chaka. It's Chaka. It's Chaka Khan.

karl: Shake a can.

ricky: No. Chaka. Khan.

karl: No, but you've got -

steve: Chuck a can might have worked. To throw a can.

karl: Who got all 3 right then?

ricky: We're stopping this.

steve: Well, because, basically what happened was people emailed in 3 guesses. And the guesses that were right came from Mandy Thomson in Camden. Quite frankly -

ricky: Well that's now run into the ground. That's "Do We Need 'Em" ruined.

karl: No but we can't just bin everything in one week.

ricky: That's, that's uh, I don't think we're gonna get that "Oh, there not as good as we think they are", cause you only picked on Newton and Einstein. You don't know anyone else. You don't know who Gandhi is. Um, uh ... "Chimpanzee That", you've run out of uh ideas uh ...

steve: I did like the jingle for that though.

ricky: Ooooh, Chimpanzee That!

steve: That was a great jingle. Shame we're never gonna use that again.

karl: So who's won anyway?

steve: Well, it was Mandy Thompson, I mentioned. But as I said she guessed, so she can have the prizes. She's welcome to them. But uh - I think we should knock it on the head, Karl. I think you should come up with something new.

karl: No, I think it's still got a few weeks in it.

ricky: I think we should take some time off.

karl: Well.

steve: Yeah. What about like, the foreseeable future?

ricky: Dunno.

karl: "A Song for the Ladies." Do you just want to just do that?

steve: A song for the ladies. Listen, if you sort of, you know, I think it's the March issue of Company magazine, buy that. Top 50 most eligible people. There's probably an address or phone number to call. And here is another song for the ladies maybe just to charm you further. "Tom the Model", by Beth Gibbons and Rustin Man.

ricky: Karl, say goodbye. And say it nicely, like you're happy.

karl: (grimly) See you later.

ricky: Oh, is that the best you can do?

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