XFM Vault - S02E25 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) Oooh, chilly weather, why not put on a cardigan?

ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) That was The Cardigans.

ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) And "For What It's Worth". A lovely tune there. (Normal Voice) Uhh--

steve: Ohh, that's a joy.

steve: We should definitely talk like that more often.

ricky: XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. All right?

karl: All right?

ricky: Yeh.

steve: How's it going?

ricky: Well, we got a jam-packed show today--

steve: Go on.

ricky: We got- we got- awww- we got so many feat- we got more features than Karl's got on his face--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Which is- which is about the same as Morph.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Very few. It's just- it's just really a head, innit? The little--

steve: That's where I've seen him before!

ricky: Morph!

steve: On "Take Hart".

ricky: (Laughing) Ye-yeah, yeah!

ricky: Umm, we've got, uhh, "Rockbusters". That's- that's--

steve: (Disappointed) Have we?

ricky: Still going strong.

steve: Aw, you know my feelings on that but fair enough.

ricky: No, but he's- he's gonna- he's said he's gonna, um, buck his ideas up. We've got "Oooh Chimpanzee That!" - Karl finds a- a- an amusing, uh, monkey or ape-related story. Umm, we've got, uhh, "Karl in a Film" again.

steve: Right. Excellent. Yeah, we've got a lot of great response from that, Karl, on the internet and on the email--

ricky: It was my favorite thing that we've done.

steve: People raving about that.

ricky: Umm, and--

steve: So, what, uh- can we say what the film is that we--

ricky: And 'scuse mah French, we've got some bloody great music.

steve: (Laughs Slightly) Ahhh. P- pardonnez moo- moi... I don't know, I can't speak French--

steve: I'm not a translator.

ricky: Well, I'll just give you a taster: we've got Oasis, Cardigans which you've just heard there, we've got Lloyd Cole, we got a bit of Pretenders coming up, Eminem, Feeder, Coldplay, all the greats.

steve: Can I play some Teenage Fan Club later, Rick?

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What should we have now?

karl: Oasis?

ricky: Go on, then.

karl: Yeah?

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Oasis and "Songbird". That's a nice little ditty.

steve: It's all right, yeah.

ricky: Of a Saturday.

steve: Yes. Thank you.

ricky: XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. I- I think we should go straight into it, Karl. I think you should- we should, uh, do the competition, the- the, uh, "There's Karl in the Corner" or whatever.

steve: It seems a little premature, don't you think?

ricky: Do you reckon?

steve: Yeah, I think so--

ricky: Do you reckon- save it--

steve: Yes! Exactly.

ricky: We should- we should tease it out a little.

steve: Well, it's a big- it's a big thing.

ricky: It's just that I've got absolutely nothing to say. I've--

steve: Sure.

ricky: I haven't really--

steve: Well, I mean, I- often you'll have spoken to Karl in the week. This week, for some reason I've been speaking to him.

ricky: Oh, right.

steve: I spoke briefly to him about Michael Jackson... and the documentary.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Now, of course I thought that was extraordinary--

ricky: Amazing. Amazing piece of work.

steve: And, uh, I asked Karl for his opinion.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And he didn't mention to me, uh, the fact that Michael Jackson likes to climb up in trees--

ricky: No.

steve: He didn't mention anything about his bizarre relationship with children, he didn't mention anything about his obsessive billionaire spending sprees--

ricky: Right.

steve: He didn't spend- mention anything about the, uhh, mannequins he has in his thing or the fact that he drives around his- his, sort of, seven hotel suites in Las Vegas in a little, kind of, old people's scooter. The first- the only thing of note, for Karl, was- he said to me, "Did you notice how big his hands are?"

ricky: I'll tell you what, though... I did.

steve: WHAT- ya- how are you looking at- the man's got... like, a face that he's had reconst- well--

ricky: I know.

steve: I can't- seems so- that's libelous--

ricky: Yeah, no, no, he hasn't.

steve: But he's got an awful... face.

ricky: He hasn't. Yeah, he's had two- he's had two nose jobs. Yeah.

steve: And you're looking at his hands?!

ricky: But I think it's because you look at him and he looks a bit like... it- it- there's a bit of androgyny there but it's, sort of, like a... it is quite a, um, petite, sort of, old lady's face, in a way. But then you see these (Laughing Slightly) laborer's hands come out. That's always the way with a tranny, innit? You know what I mean?

steve: What you c- can't accuse him of being a tranny!!!

ricky: No, he's not! No, I'm- no he's not a tran--

steve: What are you saying?!

ricky: (Laughing) No, I know, he's not.

steve: He's got enough issues, now you're accusing him of being a tranny!

ricky: I like him. I thought he came out of that brilliant. I- I thought he was really- I really felt sorry for him, ehm, and, uh- no, I think it- he cleared up a few things as far as I'm concerned. I thought it was a fascinating piece of work. But, umm, I- I did like the shopping spree, that was great.

steve: Extraordinary.

ricky: He was going around just pointing--

steve: Because he's got such bad taste.

ricky: I know, it was bad taste, wasn't it? It was like one of those bizarre shops--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know what I mean? Those anything- sort of, gift shop but they're trying to make it look like Ming.

steve: But if he'd- yeah, if he'd--

ricky: And sprayed gold.

steve: If he'd been living in a trailer park he'd of been ordering, you know, one of those, uh, porcelain dolls dressed like a Harley-Davidson bike rider--

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: Or, you know, an Elvis commemorative plate.

ricky: But--

steve: It was, kind of, the billionaire equivalent of that.

ricky: But the hands were a giveaway. It's the same as those, sort of--

steve: What do you mean, "the hands were a giveaway"?! What--

ricky: Transvestites--

steve: What was it about his hands?! I didn't even see his hands.

ricky: Well, you know when you get, like, a cab driver or sommat, right, and he- he decides to go- turn transsexual about 60 and he goes on "Kilroy"...

steve: Right.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? It's that way. And he got a twin set and high heels and he goes, (Husky Voice) "I've never felt so comfortable." But his hands are still big, he's got a little wig and he's got the lipstick on and he's with his teenage kids who are going, "Kill me." But it's--

steve: Do you think he's been having surgery on his hands to make them larger?

ricky: Bigger- yeah I w--

steve: Is that why he was wearing that glove through most of the '80s?

ricky: Exactly. Because he's get- I think he wants to be a goalkeeper.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right.

ricky: And they said, "You- you can't, Michael. You gotta have big hands."

steve: It would help him climb the trees.

ricky: It is- it is- (Laughs Slightly) yeah, yeah. And he can play tennis now without a racket.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: So, uhh--

steve: So, what did you make of it, Karl? Were you intrigued?

karl: Ehhm, the Michael Jackson thing?

steve: Uh huh.

karl: It was- you know, it was all right but, umm... like, that got a load of attention in the press but the Tricia program got nothing.

steve: Okay.

karl: Which, uhh--

ricky: What was that?

karl: I know- like, Steve called me up in the week, right, uhh, like, 10 o'clock in the morning and I was at work--

karl: And he goes, uhh, "You--"

ricky: It was a big show at 10 o'clock- it was a big...

steve: Preparing this show.

ricky: Most people go to work about 8 or 9.

karl: "Are you watchin' 'Tricia' and that?" I said, "No, what is it?" He goes, "Aw, you'll be lovin' it", right. Uhhmm--

ricky: Freaks? Was it f-f- "Help Me, My Mum's a Freak"?

karl: Mmm, Siamese twins.

ricky and karl: Right.

karl: So, I couldn't watch it but he said, "Oh, it might be on again cuz they repeat stuff on ITV 2."

ricky: Right.

karl: So, I- I had me dinner late--

ricky: Mm.

karl: Instead of having it at, like, 1 o'clock like I normally do--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I had it at, like, 2:30--

ricky: Yeh.

karl: Sat in the office, put the telly on, ITV2. Ehhm, these Siamese twins--

steve: Did it blow your mind?

karl: It was amazing... You know, we talk about a lot of things on the show quite a lot - the hairy kids crop up a lot.

ricky: (Laughing) I was waitin'! It's been 10 minutes and you haven't mentioned the hairy kid.

karl: Right? And, uhh, last week we were talking about Siamese twins, weren't we?

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, it was- it was weird that this program was on. But, it was amazing... I mean, what- what--

steve: I think you can't refer to them as "Siamese twins" I think they're known as "conjoined twins".

karl: Why?

steve: I think- I think "Siamese" is maybe considered derogatory or as an old antiquated phrase.

ricky: Yeah, I think it's cuz the first famous ones were actually from Siam.

steve: Right, right. Anyway--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) And- and that doesn't exist anymore!

karl: But s--

steve: Conjoined, Karl.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Get the phrase right.

karl: But you'd think that if that's happened to ya... that wouldn't be that, sort of, offensive. The names that you must get called...

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Right. You think that's the least of your worries?

karl: "Siamese twins" I'd say- well, that's... yeah, least of your worries.

steve: Now, were you stunned by where--

steve: They were connected?

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) "Just live with it", you'd say. Ri--

steve: Because they were connected, of course, at- at the forehead.

ricky: Awww, C--

steve: Sort of- which was quite- quite extraordinary.

ricky: God. What if one had bad breath?

steve: I d- that wasn't a question that Tricia asked.

steve: Annoyingly, cuz I know that much of the audience was thinking that.

karl: There was- there was a few things that didn't crop up.

ricky: (Laughing) Wha- what?

steve: What questions would you of asked of them? Cuz- what things did you feel weren't mentioned?

karl: Uhhmm...

ricky: I'd love to just watch Karl watching amazing things!

steve: Well, exactly. Exactly.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? It's like- like t- early learning.

steve: Like, mouth slightly open- just a slight- slight--

ricky: Yeah mouth open, slight dribble, (Gasps) looking 'round to see if anyone else has seen it.

steve: Mmm!

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) The way a cat sees a bird on the balcony.

steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) It can't believe its luck.

karl: I'd probably say, "How do you buy her a- like, a birthday present?"

steve: A surprise gift, yeah.

karl: Cuz, everything's ruined.

steve: Sure.

karl: Right? Umm, I'd probably ask, uhh--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well, did you not think it was interesting that one of them had a boyfriend?

karl: Well, that was a bit weird, wasn't it?

steve: Uh huh.

karl: But, uhhm, what was the other thing that I was thinking when I was watching it?... Was thinking if one got into crime and was sent to prison...

steve: Right.

karl: What would happen?

karl: How would they handle that?

ricky: (Laughing) It's brilliant! It is brilliant. If a chimp could talk...

karl: And, uhh, what was the other one? The other thing was, uhhm, what do they talk about? Because it's not as if you can say, "Oooh, you'll never guess what I did today."

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

karl: So...

ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) Ehhh, "Brass in Pocket" and if, uhhh, they're pretending to be good, they're doing a bloody good job of it.

ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) I love them. That's Ricky Gervais on XFM 104.9. With me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl is still buzzing about these conjoined twins.

karl: Nah, it's just--

steve: One of them of course, had to be- because one of them was, sort of, shorter than the other and had to be, sort of, wheeled around on a kind of trolley... thing by--

ricky: Oh, is this--

steve: By the other- by the other--

ricky: This isn't Molly and Dolly, is it?

steve: No, they're not called- one's called Reba--

ricky: Oh.

steve: And I forget what the other one's called. Shena maybe or something like that.

ricky: I--

steve: Do you- do you remember Karl?

karl: No, I wasn't that impressed with their names.

karl: It's just--

steve: Yeah. So you immediately put them out of your mind.

steve: "Those are rubbish names! Daaaah, forget it, forget it. Karl, forget it!"

ricky: Were they- w--

steve: "(Zoom Sound) they're gone."

ricky: Were they British or American?

steve: American. Yeah, American.

ricky: Alright cuz I saw sommat- I've seen some Americans on Jerry Springer.

steve: Well, bizarrely, one of them was apparently a country music star...

ricky: This is Molly and Dolly!

steve: Well, they're not called Molly and Dolly!

ricky: The one that joined at the oi- the one that joined--

steve: But they're not- I think you've made up the "Molly and Dolly".

ricky: No, it was on "Jerry Springer". There's a little one that sits on a seat and the other one carries it around- her around, (Laughs Slightly) uhh, and--

steve: They're not called Molly and Dolly.

ricky: There was something like that.

steve: They're called- well we know that one of them's called Reba and I forget the other name.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) And one of them's a country and western singer or sommat.

steve: Yeah, and one of- but she was saying, "Yeah, I've just made a movie... It's coming out shortly in theaters."

ricky: "Is your sister in it?"

steve: Yeah, and the other one said, "Oh, I'm not involved."

steve: I d- it- utterly bizarre. Cuz they- they live their- they work so hard to live their lives seperately--

ricky: Yeah, they say it's a- exactly, of course, yeah.

steve: It's all- you know, they try not to- so... so, she's talking about her music career and the other one's, sort of, not taking any, kind of, credit for it - which is nice, I suppose.

karl: It's weird, though. Cuz when she was singing as well, the other one just stands there, she doesn't join in, she doesn't, sort of, dance--

steve: Offer backing vocals.

karl: Do you know what I mean? Make a group out of it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: A duo?

karl: Yeah, well... But it seems like we're, sort of, bein' horrible but we're not--

ricky: No, we're not!

karl: I mean, it's a really bad thing but--

ricky: No- no, we- we're laughing at Karl's amazement--

steve: Mm!

ricky: At- at this phenomenon. Sorry, I- we- I just got to say that we're not- we're not, you know--

karl: Do you know the--

ricky: Taking the mickey.

karl: The really weird thing about all this, right?

ricky: What?

karl: And it's annoying because you were saying about, you know, "Ooh, what should Tricia of asked?" and all that.

ricky: Yeh.

karl: But one of 'em mentioned, ehhm, that one of 'em was adopted and the other one wasn't.

ricky: Don't talk rubbish.

karl: No, seriously... I didn't understand it, right--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Of course you didn't!

karl: And then Tricia, sort of, said, "Well, let's have a chat-" and- and they were like, "No. Don't want to go into that."

ricky: What do you mean "one was adopted and one wasn't"?

karl: That's what they said. One of 'em...

karl: I don't- don't quiz me on it but that- that's--

karl: What was- that's what was said.

steve: "Hi there. I'm a--"

steve: "Hello there. I'm a multi-millionaire--"

ricky: "Oh, yeah."

steve: "And I've- I've just seen your orphanage--"

ricky: "Ah, yeah. It's lovely, isn't it?"

steve: "And I'd like to adopt one of your children."

ricky: "You'd like to adopt one?"

steve: "I'd love to adopt children--"

ricky: "Brilliant."

steve: "Because I've got loads from around the world--"

ricky: "Yeah."

steve: "So I'd love to adopt one. I'll give you ten thousand towards your, uhh, your orphanage."

ricky: "Oooh, well- well we'll speed it through, then. Yeah, yeah."

steve: "Brilliant. Okay."

ricky: "We've actually got two left. So--"

steve: "I only need one." I'm only interested in one.

ricky: "Right."

steve: "Yeah, I don't need any more. Don't need any more."

ricky: "Okay. They're sisters, they, uhh- they're--"

steve: "I know it would be tragedy to break them up but I really only need one."

ricky: "Well, 'break it up' - there's the... there's the rub, you see."

steve: "Sure, sure."

ricky: "Because, umm--"

steve: "I just need the one. Here's ten thousand dollars now, you can have that, I'll sign it now, but I don't want to discuss it further."

ricky: "Okay, I'll bring her 'round- I'll bring her 'round."

steve: "Brilliant. Brilliant."

ricky: "Okay." Ding Dong.

steve: "Hi. Yeah, brilliant. You've brought my kid around."

ricky: "Yeah, there she is, there."

steve: "That's a joy."

ricky: "Yeah. Yeah."

steve: "Okay."

ricky: "Just standing next to a bush."

steve: "Yeah, do you wanna- can you bring her out toward me- it's like- so I--"

ricky: "No, there's n- there's nothing behind the bush so just- you just want--"

steve: "I just want- I wanna- I just wanna be able to walk 360 degrees around her."

ricky: "Do you want her or not?"

steve: "Yes I- I can't believe it!"

steve: "What's that little trolley!"

steve: "She's talented!"

ricky: Awwww, dear.

steve: You're talking nonsense, Karl.

karl: Well, whatever.

ricky: Feeder... That's it: "Just The Way I'm Feelin'". XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. It's time for the- the newest quiz in town.

ricky: This is where... Karl inserts himself into a seminal film. Last week, uhm, it was the little kid in "Sixth Sense", you remember, to, uh, great acclaim. The critics loved it, they said, "a triumph." Uhh, this week, he's fiddled with "The Graduate". Uhm, this is the scene where, of course, uh, uh, he goes upstairs to the hotel room and, um, he's, uh- it's- it's on the cards, she's a dead cert, Mrs. Robinson.

mrs. robinson: Well!

karl: There you go, then. So, uh, are you ready for it? I've, uhh, brought some condoms from home that, uh, Suzanne got for Christmas--

mrs. robinson: Benjamin.

karl: What?

mrs. robinson: Will you bring me a hanger?

karl: A what?

mrs. robinson: A hanger.

karl: I'll tell you what, I've, uhh- ... I've got wood.

mrs. robinson: What?

karl: Just sayin' I've, uhh- I've got wood. I've got metal ones as well, what- what sort do you want?

mrs. robinson: Either one will be fine.

karl: All right.

karl: There ya go.

mrs. robinson: Are you afraid of me?

karl: UHHHH, no. No, I've- I've seen weirder things than you. Uh, have I ever told you about the- the two lads I went to school with who had big heads? .... Webbed fingers as well, not related and, uhh, weren't mates. But, both had the same thing which was a bit- bit weird... Uhh, yeah, I di- I've never found out what was wrong with 'em.

mrs. robinson: Can I ask you a personal question?

karl: As long as it's not about me head bein' round cuz Ricky's always going on about that... Sayin' I've got a round head.

mrs. robinson: Well you can admit that, can't you?

karl: No, it's- it's- I'd say it's a normal, sort of, shape, it's just round.

mrs. robinson: It is, isn't it?

karl: Yeah, but what- what- what do you mean? So is yours. Heads should be round.

mrs. robinson: It's nothing to be ashamed of!

karl: I'm not ashamed, it's... just a normal shape!

mrs. robinson: Mmm hmm.

karl: And you can talk - look at your saggy arse!

karl: Anyway, get your knickers off.

steve: Aww, that was a joy.

ricky: Oooh, dear. Ahhh.

steve: It was an absolute treat. Now, I should say that obviously, uhh, the prize is a copy of "The Graduate". Now bear in mind that XFM is giving away these prizes...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Karl is so cheap, that he wouldn't even buy it on DVD. He's bought it for 6.99 on VHS, it'll be panned and scanned, it won't be widescreen, there's none of the extra features that you get on the DVD. That's how cheap he is!

ricky: Ohh, look at Karl's face! He's gutted!

steve: Karl, did you pocket the rest of the cash?

karl: No, no, I have to use me own money to buy these, right--

steve: What, you're using your own money to give this stuff away?

karl: Yeah. So I had to go and buy that.

steve: XFM is so cheap! I'm stunned!

ricky: I know. I know.

karl: Right, and, uhh, it's not worth havin' it on DVD, is it?

steve: Well, why not?

karl: Cuz it's- it's an old film, so--

karl: So the quality is- is set, do you know what I mean? They can't really tidy it up.

ricky: (Laughing) Of course they can! They do it from a print, they don't do it from the video. They don't get- they don't get the video and go, "Let's make it into a DVD".

steve: Yeah, an old Betamax copy--

steve: That someone had knockin' about.

karl: Welll...

steve: Well anyway, you can--

karl: It's the same film though, innit?

steve: Fine, okay, well you're right, yeah.

ricky: It is the same film, yeah.

steve: Well anyway, you can win, uh, 6.99's worth of "The Graduate"--

steve: The question- and it's email only: ste- uh, ste? It's not Steve, it's [email protected] The question is: "Name the actor that Karl, uh, was taking the place of in the film and, of course, the actress that he's performing opposite." [email protected]

ricky: Lovely.

karl: Do you wanna play something from the...

ricky: I would love to.

steve: It would seem appropriate.

karl: Yeah?

ricky: (Easy Listening DJ Voice) Dear Mr. Simon and Mr. Garfunkel, please let's not have the sound of silence, let's have some more beautiful music. Get back together please, quickly.

ricky: Uhh, that's XFM 1--

steve: I think you should do every single link like that.

steve: Bri- it's the best bit of the show.

ricky: Uhhh, that's on XFM 104.9. Well there ya go--

steve: Are we gonna have time to play the clip again before, uhh, I don't know- before 2:00, let's say?

ricky: Are people not listening to the question? Is that what you--

steve: Some people are not listening to the question.

ricky: Oh, dear. Okay, well we'll play it again about 2, then.

steve: And, personally, any excuse to hear it again cuz I thought it was a treat.

ricky: I think- I think Karl should go out and get the DVD.

steve: I think it's embarrassing to give away the, uhh, VHS--

ricky: Yeah, you have to get it. You have to go out and buy the DVD later.

steve: Karl, on the DVD it's got a booklet, it's got an audio commentary, it's got behind the scenes features and it's got a pristine, widescreen version of the film. You've got some cheap 6.99 version--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: On VHS.

ricky: And so, because you were mean, cuz it was your own money, you're gonna have to- you're gonna have to waste that now--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Cuz no one wants it. So, it's gonna cost you twice as much as it would have done if you just got the DVD the first time 'round.

steve: A valuable lesson learned.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Have we ever rewound it?

steve: There's a penalty if you've not. No, you haven't rewound it!

ricky: Go and get the DVD later. This- the- they're gonna win the DVD.

karl: No, I looked at the DVD and it was 18 quid and--

ricky: Go and get it--

karl: I'm not payin' 18 quid for the--

ricky: And claim it back!

karl: No, you've gotta wait ages--

ricky: What a cheap station this is.

steve: It's outrageous.

ricky: I mean- awww.

karl: Well, do you wanna go on with the other prizes with, uhh- what we're giving away later?

steve: W- w- is this for "Rockbusters"?

karl: Well, it's--

ricky: We don't give away prizes, we throw away prizes.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, it is- we're cleaning out.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah.

steve: Cleaning out some drawers at XFM.

ricky: Go on.

steve: I'm just havin' a quick look through before I--

karl: Cuz we've sort of revamped "Rockbusters" a bit, there's that extra bit in it now, in't they? That audio bit.

ricky: You're selling it. You're- big- big sell.

steve: Aw, we're not going straight into that, though.

ricky: There's a DVD there. There's a DVD.

karl: No, no, not right now.

ricky: There's a DVD there. What's that?

steve: I'll- I'll go through them later, Rick. I just need to absorb it.

ricky: So--

steve: Don't get excited, mate.

ricky: So, uh, who did, uh, Karl play in the clip? What actor's place did he, uh, take and what actress played opposite him? Uhm, that's ricky.gervais--

steve: @xfm.co.uk.

ricky: Sure.

karl: Brilliant.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Is that it, then?

ricky: What have we got coming up? We've got some--

karl: Just, uh, play a bit of Coldplay?

steve: Let's have it.

ricky: Bit of Coldplay would be all right.

ricky: Coldplay, "Yellow" on XFM 104.9. Get it on DVD! It's an embarrassment. Seven quid's worth of old video pan-and-scanned.

karl: I bought it, now. That's what they're getting. Right--

ricky: It put a downer on it. All the work, you know, that went into that and then just gonna fob 'em off with a bit of old celluloid like that.

karl: Well, listen, still to come, right...

karl: We've got, ehhhm, the- the monkey s- thing.

ricky: "OOH Chimpanzee That!"

karl: And when I was out last Sunday, right, at Johnny's birthday party--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Steve was there--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Got talkin' about stuff. Ehm, and a debate... that we didn't really finish... cropped up.

steve: It blew your mind, didn't it?

karl: Amazing.

ricky: Oh, I know about this. Steve told me. This is the, uh, infinite amount of monkeys, uhm, or a monkey with a typewriter and an infinite amount of time would eventually come up with the works of Shakespeare.

karl: Yeh.

ricky: There was no debate. It's a philosophical, mathematical problem. There's no debate. It's true.

karl: It wouldn't happen.

ricky: No, listen Karl, listen. Infinity sorts it all out for ya... right. An infinite amount of monkeys at a typewriter, right- they would do- they would do everything. They'd type everything. Infinity just sorts it all out for ya. There's no gettin' to it and they're going, "Oh, well, let's have a look what they've done. This one's come close - he has 'Romeo and Juliop".

ricky: It would do it all. It would type everything ever possible, conceivable. It--

karl: Yeah but--

ricky: It's a mathematical- infinity--

steve: Well, we've heard your side of the argument, Rick--

steve: And I'll be honest with you, it's a persuasive one. But, let's hear Karl--

steve: Because he heard about this in a pub last week--

ricky: Yeah, what's your problem?

steve: So, he's got some strong ideas himself.

ricky: What's your problem with it? What's your problem with it?

karl: Well, f- first of all, right, you're saying it's a load of monkeys, it's not just one monkey that's- that can live forever.

ricky: It depends. It- no, no, no, wait, wait... It's either a- a chimpanzee with a typewriter with an infinite amount of time, he would eventually, by definition, mathematically, type everything ever possible, okay, or it's an infinite amount of m- uhm, uh, chimps with typewriters and one of them will type it first time.

karl: But already that's- that's, sort of... That's not right. You either need to have one--

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Monkey--

ricky: What- what- l-l- employment laws?

steve: Let- let's hear his point.

ricky: What do you mean, "it's not right"?!

steve: Let's hear him out. Please.

ricky: Okay.

karl: If it's one monkey--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: With a typewriter that's got loads of ink in it and that, right, at least it knows what it's done in the past...

ricky: Don't- it's not--

steve: Keep going!

ricky: Chri--

karl: If you got a load of monkeys- it's like- it's like if you have too many- what's that saying about "too many chefs spoil the--"

ricky: "Too many chimps spoil the soup."

karl: Right, well it's the same thing. It's like, "Well I didn't tell ya to put salt in it. I was gonna put salt in it." and it messes it up. Whereas if it's just one, they know what's gone on. So what I'm saying is--

ricky: I- I- I- I--

steve: Just leave him go.

ricky: I can't be bothered, Steve--

steve: I want to hear- I want to hear the rest.

ricky: I- i- this blows my mind. He doesn't know what this does to me. It's a mathematical problem--

steve: I want to hear the rest.

karl: Well, it's just- I just don't think it will happen.

ricky: What do you mean you don't think it would happen? Infinity works it out for ya. By definition!

karl: Well, what's stopping them typing the same thing again?

ricky: They would. They'd- in fact, the problem should be, if you have an infinite amount, uh, uh, of time that, um, it would type the works of Shakespeare an infinite amount of times and everything else an infinite amount of times. But, you know, that's not- that's just- that's- that's not as--

karl: But not... not Shakespeare.


steve: You know- Rick, do you know what he said to me? I said to him, uh- I explained it to him, I said--

ricky: God!

steve: "You've got an infinite number of monkeys, infinite number of typewriters, they will type the complete works of Shakespeare."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He said, "Have they read Shakespeare?"

ricky: YOU'RE AN IDIOT! Play a record because I'm not having this conversation.

steve: I said, "No, they're not doing it from memory--"

ricky: I'm not havin' it because it (Slapping the Desk) really, really winds me up.

karl: But you're saying they'll do it with no spelling errors?

ricky: Wh- they'll do it a- a- they'll do it an infinite amount of times. And they'll do it- they'll do it wrong an infinite amount of times. And they'll do it- and they'll spell, uhh, the last full stop, uhh, wrong an infinite amount of times and they'll do it- and they'll get one thing wrong in "Hamlet" wrong an infinite amount of times. They'll do everything an infinite amount of times.

karl: But are they going off a story that they've already--

ricky: PLAY A RECORD, Karl because I'm gonna knock you out!

karl: I'm just saying...

ricky: SHUT UP!

karl: Do they know the story?

ricky: Aww G--

steve: They're monkeys!

ricky: Oh, Christ. Right, okay, shut up--

ricky: Lloyd Cole, "She's a Girl and I'm a Man". Good that, innit?

steve: Excellent.

ricky: On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Yeah.

steve: As ever, Rick, there's always someone who steps in to defend Karl...

ricky: I- (Sighs) okay, what is the defense?

steve: Here's a--

ricky: What is the defense?

steve: Here's a- an email from Scott Kumer, he says, "Karl is actually right. I've got an A-level in statistics and probability. It doesn't matter how long they have and how many monkeys you have you cannot guarantee they will type the complete works of Shakespeare. Infinity makes it probable they would- they would get it right but not definite."

ricky: Ye- well... yeah.

karl: Yeah. That's what I was saying.

ricky: No. No, you weren't saying, Karl. You don't understand it. Infinity, sort of, sorts it out that if they d- if they do- if they do anything, they're- they're nearly do everything, won't they?

karl: No, I mean, they'll give it a good shot and that--

ricky: No, that's not the point. But, the point is this--

karl: I'd be surprised if they did one page right.

ricky: Right, listen--

ricky: It's not to do with consciousness, it's not to do with them aiming, it's--

steve: They are just bashing away at the keyboard.

ricky: It's like- it's like they're- they're used to show that there isn't consciousness. They- they- they chose the chimpanzee because it can type, presumably, at the keyboard--

steve: It's because- it's because they hadn't come across you at the time.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah, it's to take out thought- out of it. It's to take out reason and trying, right--

karl: Mmm.

ricky: It's just random. They're saying that if you typed enough things- if a computer was left s- "Type in everything"... If you left it for an infinite amount of time- and they chose Shakespeare because there is meaning behind it and it's difficult to get it exactly right to show you that... infinity would... come up with a s- it's not just Shakespeare, it's every novel. It's everything.

steve: Fairly eloquent there from Gervais. A quick riposte please, from Karl Pilkington.

karl: No, I'm just sayin'... what I don't understand, if it hasn't read it--

ricky: AH!

karl: Then how does it know where it's going?

ricky: OHHH! I d- listen, right, o- okay listen, right I- I can't--

steve: Can I- can I just intervene?

ricky: Can I just explain to people, right, some people have said, "Oh, why are you cruel to Karl?" He drives me mental with things like that.

karl: Well!

ricky: What do you mean, "Well"?!

steve: Can I just- well let me just- just--

karl: You do my head in.

steve: You just take a breather for a moment--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) How do I do your head in?

karl: He keeps coming in in the week--

karl: You know that I work here properly in--

steve: Mm hmm.

karl: In the week. Don't I?

steve: Yeah.

karl: I've got a proper job. Yeah?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Uh--

karl: Should be 9 to 5 but I normally get in about 8 o'clock and work 'til--

ricky: A lot of people get in at 8 o'clock.

karl: Working hard, trying to do me job...

karl: Three times this week I've been rushin' around, I walk past me little studio, he's sat in there, all right?

karl: Now, because I've got this sort of job, I can get away with it. I said to him, "If I was a doctor--"

karl: Would he keep coming to me practice?

steve: If you were a doctor, there'd be severe problems with the NHS.

karl: Welll...

ricky: Aww, imagine that.

karl: So...

ricky: Aww, I think--

steve: The standards would have lowered so much to "if you can arrive at the hospital, you're a doctor."

ricky: We go to lunch! When I pop in we got to lunch, don't we? We have a little lunch break, don't we?

karl: Yeah, well--

ricky: I go, "Come on, let's go", "No", he goes, "I'm busy", I go, "Come on, let's go", he goes, "Aw, you're doing me head in."

steve: Well, when I was talking about the monkey conundrum with Karl he said to me, "Right, if I had a day of work and I was, say, watching the TV and with one hand I was typing at a typewriter--"

steve: "Would I type Shakespeare?"

steve: I mean...

karl: Yeah, but you see there's certain things- we were talking a little bit about this stuff the other week, weren't we, when we said, uhh--

karl: You were going on about Einstein and I said, "He's not that good." Uhm...

karl: You know, "E equals mc squared, you know, it sounds good but I've never used it and that, right?"

ricky: (Laughing) "I've never used it"! You haven't used two and two equals four, Karl!

karl: The fella with an apple fell on his head... you know, it could have been anyone sittin' under that tree.

karl: You know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

karl: It's just annoyin'--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Lucky. Lucky.

ricky: (Sarcastic Voice) And- and Newton gets all--

steve: (Laughing) And just happens to be a genius.

ricky: (Sarcastic Voice) Newton gets all the credit!

karl: No, do you know what I mean?

ricky: (Sarcastic Voice) For his laws of the universe!

karl: Well, other people were workin' whilst he was havin' a lunch break--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Okay.

karl: Under the tree. So in a way, it's like he didn't deserve to have that success story.

ricky: Again- again, forget the apple and the tree and whether he was sitting down and having a lunch break, it's- it's totally irrelevant.

karl: Yeah, but what I'm saying is there's certain things that will just happen. You know, it's like- I think we were talking- when we were out eating, the other week...

karl: We were talking about Noel Gallagher--

steve: Well, this is the reason the monkey discussion came up, right, we were--

ricky: God.

steve: Noel Gallagher--

ricky: I don't know what to say! I don't know what to say.

steve: Rick, I don't want to misquote Noel--

ricky: I'm gonna be like Herbert Lom in "Clousseau", I'm gonna get a twitch whenever he opens his mouth. (Pounding the Desk) I don't know what- I don't know- I don't know where to start with some of his statements.

steve: Well, as I say, this all- this discussion began because we were talking about a quote that Noel Gallagher supposedly gave. Now, I don't want to misquote Gallagher but the gist of it was that he said, um, uh, "Had I, uh, written 'Wonderwall' or whatever instead of The Beatles writing 'Strawberry Fields' or whatever, I'd be the one that was considered the great song writer and it wouldn't be The Beatles. You know, it's just the fact that they came first that meant that they get all the credit as being the greatest band in the world."

ricky: I don't know where to start with that statement either.

steve: I mean, that's Gallagher's thing and he's, you know- we'll- whatever, we know what we think of that. What was your point, Karl?

karl: I--

steve: You agreed with him, didn't you?

karl: Yeah, I reckon, right- do you know how we talked about puttin' a baby in a room before and it- it'll know what color it is and stuff? If- if you got a room that's painted red, right, but forget that cuz that's gonna confuse you.

steve: Hear him out! Hear him out!

ricky: Can I- can I just--

steve: Rick, hear him out!

karl: Listen to me. Say, if they did some new TV show, right, like, uhhm- what's that film with Jim Carrey in where they, uhh--

steve: "The Truman Show"

karl: "The Truman Show", right.

karl: So they make up a little room and, uhh, some woman has some kids and you say, "Right, let's put the kids in this room", and they don't know what's going on outside, they- they don't know anything about, like, "Eastenders" and that, it's like they're little world, right. They don't know anything that's gone on.

ricky: How could a child survive without "Eastenders"?

karl: Right, listen... So, it's sat in the room, right, and then when they're all asleep, right--

steve: This- wait for this bit.

ricky: Have you heard--

karl: Someone pop--

ricky: Have you heard this bit?

steve: Yeah, wait for this bit... they're all in a room...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They're asleep.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Someone pops in, puts a guitar next to the bed.

karl: Right, nicked off out again. They wake up in the morning and, uh, one of 'em goes, "What's this?" They don't even know it's a guitar because they've never seen one, right--

ricky: They're talking English though.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: We just left "guitar" out of their vocabulary.

karl: Right, so--

steve: There's plenty more to come.

karl: So, one of 'em will pick it up and they'll go, "I don't know what it is" and they'll start strummin', they'll go, "That sounds good, dunnit?" Give 'em a few weeks... they could come up with "Hey Jude". Whereas saying- typing Shakespeare... a monkey that can't even spell.

ricky: I'll see you later.

karl: He can't answer it. Can't answer it. That's--

steve: I might come with you, Rick, if that's all right.

ricky: All right. Because we've got to sort- we've got to sort out the Christmas special as well.

steve: Yeah, no, sure, sure.

karl: Yeah, well...

ricky: All right. I'll see you later.

steve: I'm shooting off, then, as well.

ricky: Cheers Karl. See ya later.

steve: Cheers!

karl: Well...

ricky: Flaming Lips, "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots" on XFM 104.9.

steve: Before the ad break, Steve Miller Band, "Fly Like an Eagle".

ricky: Great track.

steve: Lovely to hear that.

ricky: Brilliant track. We're not scared of playing that sort of stuff, are we?

steve: Indeed.

ricky: We got some great re- I think we're underestimated here. People think we're just, like, you know, two guys and a buffoon in a room--

ricky: But we're so much more that that, we- you know, we try and put together a whole package for them--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: For all their- for their Saturday afternoon... listening pleasure.

steve: If there was an infinite number of us three in an infinite- in an infinite number of studios--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Broadcasting for an infinite number of shows, would we ever do anything half-decent?

ricky: Yeah, we would eventually--

steve: Would we ultimately come up with something quite good?

ricky: What was that email that you were laughing at?

steve: I can't, it's too rude.

ricky: What did it say?

steve: It's too- it's too nasty.

ricky: Well- oh, go on, give me the gist of it.

steve: The gist of it was that, uh, it would mean that if there was that infinite number of monkeys, eventually, besides the fact that they would type the complete works of Shakespeare, they would also type the sentence "Karl Pilkington is a genius." But, the email also said it would also type "Ricky Gervais is a c-" I can't say the word. But, uh...

ricky: I know.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But the number of times they'd type it and write "Karl Pilkington is a genius and Ricky Gervais is a cund"

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly. Yeah. They would- that would be there a lot.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

steve: Before we carry on with anything, I should just tell you we're tal- we're on the subject of emails, there's one emailer we're always looking forward to hearing from.

ricky: DICKERS!


ricky: ANDERSON, you Dicky Docky Doo!

steve: RRRichard Anderson. Thanks for emailing and, uhh--

ricky: He's my- he's my biggest fan, now.

steve: He's one of the biggest fans.

ricky: He absolutely loves me.

steve: But, not afraid to offer some constructive criticism.

ricky: Go on. What's he said?

steve: That's the great thing about Dickey.

steve: And from Anders this week, he says, "Ricky, I'm lazy, I talk nonsense, I'm badly organized, and I believe in ghosts. Can I have a job working on your show?"

steve: Ummm....

ricky: (Laughing) AHhhhhhhh.

steve: Possibly Anders. Maybe send in a C.V. Or email us. Either one.

ricky: He's put a little bit of all of us in that, hasn't he?

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

ricky: Go on, ask him if he's a goggle-eyed freak, Steve.

steve: All right, calm down.

ricky: Well, no, I didn't mean--

steve: No, there's no need to get insulting.

ricky: No, I didn't necessarily mean you, did I?

steve: No need to get nasty.

ricky: Well--

karl: Also, I was thinking about that, actually, Steve...

steve: Oh, God.

karl: I was talkin' of... of the old, uh....

steve: What?

ricky: What?

steve: Talkin' of the what?!

karl: No, do you know, like...

steve: This better be good.

karl: No, you don't have that many girlfriends and that...

ricky: What- what do you mean?!

steve: Karl, why are we on this? I wasn't- I was defending you in the whole monkey discussion.

steve: Come on, what's your point?

karl: All right, I don't really- we'll leave it.

steve: What's your point?

ricky: No, what's the point? What's the point?

karl: I just was thinking...

steve: If there was an infinite number of Steves...?

karl: Well--

karl: You're an o- you know, you're an odd-looking fella.

ricky: Ah!

steve: Come on, Karl, get to the- cut to the quick.

karl: No, you know I know that.

steve: Cut to the quick. Cut to the quick.

karl: I've told you that loads of times.

ricky: What do you mean, "You know I know that"?

karl: Well, there's no point in pretending anymore.

ricky: (Laughing) Steve, I'm- I'm flabbergasted.

karl: But also you don't like spending money, right.

ricky: He's mean and weird looking!

karl: Valentine's Day...

steve: Mm.

ricky: I'm gonna- ooh.

karl: Are you, sort of, uhh...

ricky: (Nervous) Ooooh ahh... OoooOOh.

karl: You know...

ricky: You've gotta love him, though, haven't ya?

karl: What- what are you happier with, the fact that no girls like you enough, right--

ricky: (Laughing) This is ment- this is really mental!

karl: Or, are you happy because you don't have to spend any money on a card for someone. Which--

steve: A little from Column A, (Laughs Slightly) a little from Column B.

ricky: (Laughing) Right, let's have- let's have more "Monkey News". What have we got?

karl: No, wait, we've gotta sort out the answer, haven't I?

ricky: We've got so much to get into this show: insults, stupidity--

steve: We don't need the insults! I think we've got enough, we don't need the insults!

ricky: Yeah, there's no more insults. No more insults--

steve: What angers me with Karl is you know he's been planning that.

karl: No, I haven't I- I was th- well... I was thinking about it on the way in because Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm not a big fan of it.

ricky: Condoms?

karl: Right.

steve: You bought your girlfriend a box of condoms for Christmas, I don't think you can have a go at me.

karl: Well--

steve: To be fair.

karl: No, but I don't just treat her on Valentine's, I'm always- do you know what I mean?

steve: You don't even treat her on Valentine's.

steve: You don't even treat her at Christmas or on her birthday.

karl: Hang on a minute!

steve: When do you treat her?

ricky: (Old Timey Tone) Hang on a minute! Wait a cotton-picking minute, there!

ricky: (Old Timey Tone) Why, I oughta!

karl: I took her out. I took her out that time.

ricky: What- (Old Timey Voice) wait a minute! What was that? Deputy Dog?

steve: I treat your girlfriend better than you--

steve: And I've only met her twice.

karl: I took her out last night and she enjoyed herself.

ricky: Where'd you go?

steve: Until she had to write the check.

ricky: Where'd you go? Where'd you go?

karl: To a- to a chippy. A really--

karl: No--

ricky: (Laughing) Play a record!

steve: It's a chippy?

karl: No, a really--

karl: A quality one.

steve: Right.

ricky: (Laughing) OOH God!

steve: Under a fiver for two- costs lots!

ricky: What wrappin'? Not newspaper, grease-proof paper!

karl: And bread.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) "And bread"!

ricky: Ash and "Sometimes" on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

karl: All right?

ricky: We've got so much to get through- (Laughs Slightly) (Karl Imitation) "All right? All right." Uh, (Karl Imitation) London's shit, innit? Uhm... sorry, shouldn't swear on an on-air- on-air- my studio.

steve: Never- never swear in an on-air studio.

ricky: Yeah, uhm, apologies. It's not really swearing is it?

steve: (Whispering) No.

ricky: I'll tell you what swearing is.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Ha hoh!

ricky: Oooh. Uh, so, uh, yeah, "Graduate", you're gonna play that again and give a winner. Give a winner.

steve: Well, let's hear it w- so, it's Karl Pilkington featuring in (Laughs Slightly) "The Graduate".

karl: Yeah.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

mrs. robinson: Well!

karl: There you go, then. So, uh, are you ready for it? I've, uhh, brought some condoms from home that, uh, Suzanne got for Christmas--

mrs. robinson: Benjamin.

karl: What?

mrs. robinson: Will you bring me a hanger?

karl: A what?

mrs. robinson: A hanger.

karl: I'll tell you what, I've, uhh- ... I've got wood.

mrs. robinson: What?

karl: Just sayin' I've, uhh- I've got wood. I've got metal ones as well, what- what sort do you want?

mrs. robinson: Either one will be fine.

karl: All right.

karl: There ya go.

mrs. robinson: Are you afraid of me?

karl: UHHHH, no. No, I've- I've seen weirder things than you. Uh, have I ever told you about the- the two lads I went to school with who had big heads? .... Webbed fingers as well, not related and, uhh, weren't mates. But, both had the same thing which was a bit- bit weird... Uhh, yeah, I di- I've never found out what was wrong with 'em.

mrs. robinson: Can I ask you a personal question?

karl: As long as it's not about me head bein' round cuz Ricky's always going on about that... Sayin' I've got a round head.

mrs. robinson: Well you can admit that, can't you?

karl: No, it's- it's- I'd say it's a normal, sort of, shape, it's just round.

mrs. robinson: It is, isn't it?

karl: Yeah, but what- what- what do you mean? So is yours. Heads should be round.

mrs. robinson: It's nothing to be ashamed of!

karl: I'm not ashamed, it's... just a normal shape!

mrs. robinson: Mmm hmm.

karl: And you can talk - look at your saggy arse!

karl: Anyway, get your knickers off.

ricky and steve: Awwww.

ricky: Dear.

steve: A classic. An Oscar-winning classic.

ricky: Oooh, Karl Pilkington... in "The Graduate" but what was the question, Steve?

steve: The question was: "Which actor was Karl Pilkington taking the role of and--"

ricky: Well, that's easy.

steve: "Which actor was he--"

ricky: Everyone knows that.

steve: "Performing opposite?"

ricky: I know that.

steve: And the answers, Ricky?

ricky: Hoffman.

steve: Mm hmm.

ricky: And, um, uhh, Bancroft.

steve: Anne Bancroft, Dustin Hoffman and the (Laughs Slightly) 6.99 VHS cassette is going to Laura Gomez because she says that she would be happy with a VHS not the DVD so, uh, best of luck to her. I hope she enjoys that.

karl: All right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: What are we doing next week?

ricky: Uh, I've, oh, got loads of, ehm... uhhh...

steve: I quite like hearing Karl in a, sort of, seductive environment - it gives you another insight into him, it gives you another dimension.

ricky: I know. "E.T." it is then.

steve: Xhibit.

ricky: "X".

steve: And the track "X". Have you seen "8 Mile", Rick?

ricky: I lo- I lo- I really enjoyed it.

steve: You'll notice Xhibit makes a little cameo in that.

ricky: Yeah, and, uh, that- that last bit- that- that rap-off at the end--

steve: Sure.

ricky: It was lovely. It was so- it was just like- it was like "Rocky" or something.

steve: Should we have a rap-off, maybe next week?

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

steve: The three of us.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Let's try and, um, uh, master the art of talking--

steve: Yeah I see what you mean.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Civilly to each other first before we start making it rhyme.

ricky: Awww, dear.

steve: "Rockbusters", Karl?

karl: Yeah.

steve: I'm not a champion of "Rockbusters" as you know but- I think it's overstayed its welcome but I'm willing to go along with it.

ricky: Well, I think Karl's just giving the fans what they want, here.

steve: Okay.

ricky: It's a popular thing, innit?

karl: Got some good prizes.

steve: Well--

ricky: The press are behind it.

steve: Let me tell you what the prizes are. Uh, it's a dance music compilation, "Cream Trance Anthems 2003"--

ricky: Good.

steve: We play a lot of trance on this station.

ricky: Well, I- I- put that on quite a lot and dance to it myself.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly. Uh, this is the, uhhhh, original motion picture soundtrack to the forthcoming film "Adaptation". When you've seen the film, uhh, I'm sure that will mean more to you. It's a good movie.

ricky: You liked that, though.

steve: It's a good movie, yeah. Nicholas Cage--

ricky: I haven't seen it.

steve: Playing himself and a twin brother. And, uhh, it's written by Spike- uh, it's directed by Spike Jonze.

ricky: Joined at the uhh... what?

steve: Uh, no, no, they're not joined at the hip at all.

ricky: Oh.

steve: Or at the face. And, uhh, we've also got "The Best One-Hit Wonders Album in the World Ever". What have we got on there? We've got things like "The Crazy World of Arthur Brown". Brilliant. Uhmm--

ricky: Nena, "99 Red Balloons".

steve: The Rembran- it kicks off with Nena.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Uh, that's followed up by "I'll Be There For You", the theme from "Friends" by The Rembrandts.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And, of course, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something.

ricky: Brilliant. Deep Blue Something. Is that the worst name ever?

steve: (Laughing) I think it possibly is.

ricky: No, Sixpence None the Richer.

steve: (Laughing) Sixpence None the Richer is quite good.

ricky: That's a pretty bad name.

steve: Okay, again, we- we- I know we got a lot of, uhh, "chillout" fans who listen to us.

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

steve: So, uhm, "The Best Chillout Album Ever".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Bear in mind, of course, all these prizes collated by, uhh, Karl from, I guess people's drawers--

ricky: Yeah, lookin' in a drawer, lookin' in a drawer.

steve: Oh, deary me.

ricky: What is it?

steve: The only thing probably worth having is a, uhhm - I mean, it's topical, if nothing else, Karl - a seven inch by The White Stripes, "Merry Christmas from The White Stripes". That was their, uhm, exclusive Christmas--

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Single so if you're--

karl: It's worth--

ricky: That's- that's early, innit?

karl: It's worth something. It is worth something.

ricky: A lot of people have got to wait eleven months before that's released.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Or is it last Christmas's?!

steve: Exactly. And- I have never heard of this DVD.

ricky: Go on.

steve: I like to think of myself as being fairly familiar with TV and films but I have never heard of "Stephen King's Rose Red".

karl: On DVD.

steve: (Reading the DVD) "Welcome to a place evil calls home." And, uhh, it's on DVD, it's certificate 12 so don't imagine anything too shocking and it looks, uhh, appalling. (Reading the DVD) "Is Rose Red Mansion truly haunted? To find out, professor-", da-da-da-da, "some argue-" da-da-da-da--

ricky: Okay, we get the gist of it. They're not very good prizes, they're cobbled together but if you've got nothing better to do, call in if you know the answers to these clues. It's "Rockbusters".

steve: Let's not let them call in, Rick.

karl: All right, so--

steve: Please don't let those people call in.

karl: I give ya--

ricky: No, no, don't call in, it's email only. Karl! Don't interupt me.

karl: I'm just...

ricky: Yeah. Umm, [email protected] Email only. I can't stress that enough.

steve: We just don't want to speak to you people.

ricky: (Giggling) Right, go on.

karl: Right, so I give some initials out and a cryptic clue and it makes up the answer and that.

ricky: Well, sometimes it does, yeah. Go on.

karl: There's two of them and there's a new aspect which I'll explain about in a minute.

ricky: Oh, God.

karl: So, the first one is, uhh--

karl: Cryptic clue is: "Well, if he woulda been wearing a helmet he woulda been all right."

karl: And the initial there is B. Right? So, "Well, if he woulda been wearing a helmet he woulda been all right." - B. Right. Uhhh, band or an artist. Second one: uhhh, "Why are them Jamaican fellas swingin' fish around their head?"

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Okay.

karl: All right? The initials--

ricky: Fills me with... (Sighs)

karl: D.S. D.S. "Why are them Jamaican men swingin' fish around their head?" All right? And the, uh, final bit... to ... "Rockbusters"--

karl: Ehh, it's a new bit. Last week I played ya this...

ricky: Look at his face. It goes along with it.

karl: Right. That's, uhh- that's someone beating up a dog. That was "Smack My Bitch Up", right? So, here's some sound effects and that and they make up a song.

karl: What--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I could listen to him talk all day!

karl: Hold on. Let's have a listen to the effects.

karl: All right.

steve: That's terrifying!

ricky: Right, I told you not to play that one, it's rubbish! No one will get that.

karl: Well, we'll see.

ricky: I heard that a couple of weeks ago, he said, "What do you think?", I said, "It's rubbish. No one will get it."

karl: No, it's not the one you think it is. Ahh! Right, so, uhhm, email in. [email protected] and you win- win that stuff.

steve: I'm a little bit confused. Let me- I- I- I'm here, I've heard what you're saying, we've discussed this in the past, I don't know what's happening. The first--

ricky: What's that? Is that- is that a clue- that's a cryptic clue, that- that, um, screaming, to a song, is it?

karl: There was screamin'--

ricky: Well, don't say it!

steve: So that--

ricky: It should stand up by itself! Don't give 'em any clue!

steve: Hang on a sec. Hang on a sec. So this is the name of a song. It's not a band or an artist, the sound effects.

karl: Yeah, that's- that's- that's a song.

ricky: So, the first two are bands or artists and the- the last one--

ricky: Is the (Laughing Slightly) name of a song.

steve: I said we should abandon this!

steve: I said we should just pack it in!

ricky: What, the show?

steve: Yes!

ricky: Placebo--

steve: Come on! Someone talk!

ricky: (Laughing) I'm lookin' at his face, his headphones are too loud. Instead of turning them down, he's just grimacing, going, "These are too loud."

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I don't understand it! How have you lived this long?! How did you make it to 30 without getting squashed or eating something deadly-poisonous?

karl: I told ya I used to choke a lot.

steve: We've had an email from, uhh--

ricky: (Laughing) AHH! Placebo, "The Bitter End".

steve: We've had an email from Andrew Forrest who has just simply entitled it "Karl Pillockton".

steve: Awww, Karl Pillockton.

ricky: What do you think of that?

steve: Now, that's got to be your new name from now on.

ricky: Ahhh.

karl: I had a mate who, uhh- who used to use it.

ricky: What?

steve: He used to call you that?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Was that your nickname at school - Pillockton?

karl: No, it's not me nickname.

ricky: It is now.

karl: No, it's not.

ricky: It is now.

steve: Pillockton!

ricky: Pillockton!

steve: Oy, Pillockton.

ricky: Oy, Pillockton.

steve: Pillockton, do my homework!

ricky: Oy, where do you live- where do you come from? Pillockton?

karl: No, it's this lad who, uhh, I call Mark who I used to go to school with who, uhh, used to call me that... and, uhh...

karl: His mam, right, was, like, obsessed with cleaning...

karl: And I was never allowed in their flat--

ricky: (Laughing) He makes the place look untidy!

karl: So she used to- I don't know if it was just me or all his mates but I used to turn up and she goes, "Yeah, he is in but you know what you gotta do." And I used to have to go 'round the side of his flat and he had a computer, right, which I used to play. I didn't have one at that point but he had one. And I used to have to go around the side of the flat and stand at his bedroom window...

karl: With his window open and I'd be, sort of, leaning in playing the game.

ricky: (Laughing) You are joking!

karl: I'm not. His mam--

ricky: (Laughing) You had the weirdest upbringing I've ever heard. The- the things you were willing to do! It's the strangest- what is this town like?

karl: No, I stopped going once I got one of me own.

ricky: Was- was there always music going, (Singing Childlike Music) "Do do do da-do-do. Do do do da-do-do"? "There's the horse in the house, there. Ooh, look at these two kids with big heads and webbed feet." "All right?" "All right, Ronny." "All right, Reggie." Wha- what was it like?

karl: She was- she was obsessed.

steve: It is like you've grown up in a cartoon made for children.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah.

karl: No, his mam was really, uhm, obsessed with cleaning. I- when I, uhm--

ricky: (Manc Child Impression) "Can I play through his window?"

karl: I used to--

ricky and steve: "Mrs. Ramsbottom--"

ricky: (Manc Child Impression) "Can I play through Mark's window?" (Manc Adult Impression) "A'ight, you know what you have to do."

karl: She used to be up 'til about 3 in the morning--

steve: "Is that Pillockton again?"

steve: "Have you washed your hands?"

ricky: Why up 'til 3 in the morning - washing?

karl: She used to be up doin' the tiles in the kitchen.

steve: Washing until 3 in the morning?

karl: 'Til 3 in the morning. And for ages and ages, I- that's where- that saying- that "out on the tiles", I used to think that came from, like, his mam... Because she was out, like, cle- cleaning them late so, 'til I was about 13 I thought that sayin' "out late on the tiles"--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Was--

ricky: And now you're not confused by anything.

karl: Well...

ricky: There's no misunderstandings in your life now, is there?

steve: So what did- he was allowed to walk in and out of the house, was he?

karl: No, he was all right but- and he used to come around ours a lot and me mam used to get these pies from Hagenbach's, right, so--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) I don't know what that is.

karl: It's that bakery where they used to chuck the cakes out the back that I've told you about.

steve: Oh yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Oh, you ate six- you had six--

karl: He loved it but I could never go 'round to their's. Or if I did, it was like, "Well, yeah, he is in.", and I'd go, "All right.", and then I'd- I'd walk around the side of the flat.

karl: Stand outside--

ricky: Why did you ever knock at the door? Why not just go around and knock on the window?

karl: Just check he's in. Cuz he wasn't always in his room--

steve: You say it was a--

karl: If he was in the lounge, he'd have to go to his bedroom and then that's where we'd chat.

steve: You say--

ricky: To meet you. I- this is the strangest- and you'd play a computer game through the window?

karl: Yeah.

steve: You say it was a flat. It wasn't, like, a fifth story one--

steve: And you had to get in one of those, kind of, cleaning contraptions and, like, winch your way up?

karl: I'm not that fussed. So...

ricky: I love the idea of that. Awww, Pillockton.

karl: So...

ricky: Right, we're done "Rockbusters". What have you- have you got me any "Chimpanzee That"?

karl: We've got "Monkey News" still- still to cram in.... in the next, like 10 minutes--

ricky: Let's do "Monkey News" now. I wanna- I need some Monkey News.

karl: No, I think we've done enough here, right.

ricky: What do you mean, "I think we've done enough here"?!

karl: Well, we'll play a little song, eh?

ricky: What- play, um- play The Verve.

karl: All right.

steve: Eh?

ricky: (Giggling) He's getting all stressed because I screamed.

steve: "Sparky's Dream", Teenage Fan Club. I'll tell ya, I'm sick of the screaming, Rick. I'm sick of that.

steve: I mean, no wonder Karl hates you - and that is a word I don't use often but he does and I spoke of you in the past and he loathes you.

ricky: "Monkey News".

steve: Give us one of the screams so the audience at home can get a taste of it.

steve: I'm taking my headphones off just so I--

ricky: No, I'm not gonna scream!

steve: Go on, let's hear what- let's hear--

ricky: Right, come on.

steve: That isn't what you were doing!

ricky: What? Was it worse than that?

steve: Yes!

ricky: Right, come on. "Monkey News". We're not gonna- we're not--

steve: It's not called "Monkey News". It's not called "Monkey News".

ricky: Uh, "Chimpanzee-", we're not gonna pack all the monkey stuff in. We've got a quarter of an hour. (Laughing) What- what other show can say that?!

steve: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: (Laughing) "We've got a real- we're not gonna pack in all the monkey news"!

steve: Yeah, we've got 15 minutes but we can't get all the monkey information in.

ricky: Right, come on.

karl: You're gonna love this one.

ricky: Go on, we only have--

steve: Let's have the, uh- let's have the jingle.

ricky: OOH, chimpanzee that!

karl: Right, ehhm, I don't know how recent this was.

ricky: Oh, God. 17th Century?

karl: But it ha- it happened in Hackney, right.

karl: Uh, if you're outside London, that's in- a place in London. Uhhm, and it's this monkey that's going about Hackney nickin' DVDs.

ricky: Even the monkey didn't go for videos!

ricky: Even the monkey knew- "Well video- there's no point in getting it on VHS."

steve: "'The Graduate' on VHS?"

ricky: Threw it back!

karl: Right, and there's a girl called Lisa who works in our office, here, right, and I mentioned it to her cuz she lives in Hackney. I said, uh, "You familiar with this?".... And, uh, she said, "Oh, I remember something about it", which annoyed me. The fact that--

karl: A monkey's running riot but she couldn't- she didn't know the full story and she lives there.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) What are you- what do you mean "a monkey"? Do you- do you mean a chimpanzee? Or a monkey?

karl: Uhhm, I don't know- is there a zoo in Hackney? Is there a zoo there?

steve: I don't know.

karl: I don't know what sort it was. But it- it was, like going--

ricky: "Is there a zoo in Hackney"?!

karl: I don't know. I don't know. That's what I was askin'.

karl: So, um--

ricky: Right, get on with the story!

karl: So anyway- so, yeah, it's been robbin' stuff and, uhmm--

karl: The p- the other bit that really puzzled me, right, is the fact that--

ricky: And you're not easily puzzled by "Monkey News".

karl: They took fingerprints.

karl: What do you think about that?

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Well, they took fingerprints presumably because they didn't know it was a monkey to start with.

karl: No, they did! They saw it- they saw it nickin' stuff and they said, "Get fingerprints."

karl: So that means there's more than just one doin' it.

ricky: I'm gonna have a heart attack.

steve: They had to fax them to Interpol.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. "We know who that is." Yeah, "It's Bri- it's Brian the monkey."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So that's--

steve: Sorry, I don't underst- he was stealing DVDs - specifically DVDs?

karl: Yeah, DVDs, I think it said watches and stuff.

steve: What? Breaking into homes?

karl: Yeah, in Hackney. Maybe it--

ricky: Are you sure it wasn't a kid with a mask on?

karl: No, seriously.

steve: How was he breaking into homes?

karl: They're good, aren't they?

ricky: Up the drain pipe. (Laughs) "They're good, aint they?" "They're good, aren't they?"

steve: But how would they do that?

ricky: Sorry, is that the news?!

karl: Well, that's- how much do you want?!

ricky: (Laughing) Is that "Monkey News"?

karl: For this week.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Well, I don't know that it's true! Again, I've got nothing to--

karl: There was other stuff. There was another story that I found about a monkey but I would- I would like to know from someone if- in Hackney if- do you know what I mean? And I missed that one on "Crimewatch", which woulda been good.

karl: Right? But there was another story about one that, uhh, kept gettin' on buses, not paying its fare...

ricky: (Laughing) "Not paying its fare..."

karl: And just sat in a corner reading a paper.

ricky: (Laughing) "Reading the paper". Karl, you're an idiot.

karl: Well, that- that wasn't in London.

ricky: You're an idiot.

karl: I think that was in America or something.

ricky: It wouldn't read the paper. Why would it read the paper?

karl: Because it was its way of, sort of, going, "Oh, if I'm reading something, maybe the inspector--"

ricky: Ooh, Karl--

steve: (Laughing) "The inspector won't notice my hairy hands."

ricky: Ooooh, Karl, you're such a fool!

karl: Well... are we, uhh--

ricky: Pillockton! Karl Pillockton!

steve: We've just had a news flash that an infinite number of monkeys in Hackey are nicking an infinite number of typewriters.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We don't know what for. At this stage, we've got no more information.

ricky: And they've- they've taken back an infinite amount of "Graduate" on video.

ricky: "This is rubbish!"

ricky: Supergrass, "Seen the Light". I just think of people, sort of, of a Saturday goin', uhh, "You coming shopping?" They go, "I can't, I'm listening to, uh, XFM. There might be some 'Monkey News'."

ricky: And they waited two hours for that. That w- what sort- WHAT SORT of a show has a feature called "Monkey News"?!

karl: Well...

steve: Well, I have to say, the, uhh- the monkey story is being corroborated. Someone has emailed--

ricky: Which one?

steve: Well, this one, uhh- it says, "Police in Britain, this week, are on the lookout for a very different kind of burglar: a chimpanzee who has been sited breaking into a house in Hackney, stealing a mobile phone and leaving. The chimp is also the prime suspect in a break and entry in a nearby house where part of a radio was taken. One policeman stated that it might have been trained to steal but a monkey's not going to think, 'That's a mobile phone, I'll just have that.'"

ricky: Look at Karl's face.

steve: Yeah.

steve: Fact. That's fact.

karl: So, uhhm... "Rockbusters" then.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Get these out of the way. We... run out of time now. So...

steve: I have to say now that we've had nnno answers that have attempted even to guess all three.

ricky: Right, you see, now- see, that's because you're an idiot. A- right, okay, right, do- do the question- do the questions and the answers and if- if- if- if I think that it's either too hard or ungettable cuz it's stupid, we're binnin' it!

karl: Right...

steve: I thought we had already binned it. I'm annoyed that--

ricky: Right, come on. Do the- do the- do- do it, quickly.

karl: Uh, the first one was: "Well, if he woulda been wearing a helmet, he woulda been all right."

ricky: Right, what's the answer?

karl: That was B.

ricky: What's the answer?

karl: Bust-ed.

ricky: Right, that works. Go on.

steve: Busted, that's fair enough.

ricky: Did anyone get that? I assume some people got--

steve: No... No... People have given up, Rick. People aren't even botherin' to contribute.

ricky: Right, what's the next one?

steve: They just ignored it like it never happened.

karl: Uhhh--

ricky: Busted... Bust-ed.

karl: Second one...

ricky: Bust-ed.

karl: "Why are them Jamaican men swingin' fish around their head?"

ricky: Go on.

karl: That- that was D.S.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uh, seventies band, (Jamaican Accent) De Trout Spinners.

steve: The Detroit Spinners have become The- De-Trout Spinners.

karl: Yeh.

steve: Okay.

karl: Uhhm...

steve: Brilliant.

karl: And then the final bit: I play ya some effects. Sounded like this:

steve: Let's here them. Let's here 'em.

steve: It's terrifying, Karl.

karl: Well, what's happened there? What- what was happenin'? What--

ricky: No, no, no! What's the answer?

karl: That was, uhh, "Born Slippy".

karl: D- the woman was havin' a baby, the doctor tried to grab it, it fell to the floor.

ricky: That's in your head, Karl!

steve: That's just a load of screams and noise!

ricky: That's in your head!

karl: Well...

ricky: I- I- I'm- I- I- do you know what? I haven't even gotten to "Born Slippy", I'm still on De-Trout Spinners.

karl: Well, let's put a song on. That's it for this week--

ricky: I- I don't- I don't know what to say!

karl: Steve, a song for the...

steve: A "Song for the Ladies", surely. Let's end with--

ricky: Did anyone get any of those?!

steve: Let's end with Nick Drake and the beautiful "River Man" and we'll see you next week. And hopefully "Rockbusters" will be ditched.

ricky: "Born Slippy"... De-Trout Spinners?!

karl: (Jamaican Accent) De Trout Spinners.

ricky: Well, don't keep saying it!

karl: They say it like that.

ricky: Well, don't--

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