XFM Vault - S02E26 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: White Stripes, “Dead Leaves on the Dirty Ground” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. We have got a great show lined up for you.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: Today it’s just, uh, yeah. Valentine’s Day weekend. Some love songs.

steve: Ooh.

ricky: We got some chat and, of course, the competitions. I’ll tell ya what; I was walking here today and the West End is crammed. There’s helicopters, there’s police, there’s about a million people, sort of, just milling ‘round. Standing around with placards and stuff. I don’t know what they’re doing, but they got too much time on their hands. They-they need a war!

steve: You don’t read the newspapers, do you?

ricky: Boring.

ricky: Ooh, those boys can rock there. That’s the guns with all their roses and “Sweet Child of Mine.”

steve: Oh.

ricky: On XFM 104.9.

steve: I enjoyed that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That was good.

ricky: It rocks.

steve: I hope, I hope the audience was playing it loud like us.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uhh, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Well- look at him yawning! How rude is that?

steve: Karl, what’s wrong with you, man? Have you been up late?

karl: Little bit.

steve: Ha! Girlfriend was away, wasn’t she, yesterday?

karl: Yeah, I always have a problem with that. I always- I- cause you don’t go to bed, do you, early? D’you know what I mean? You sort of think--

steve: What?

karl: I just always find that thing that if, you know, you’re used to living with someone--

steve: Yeah.

karl: One of you will go, “Let’s go to bed, then.” You’ll go, “Alright.” Um… but when you’re on your own you go, “Ohh--”

steve: You just forget to go to bed?

karl: I just stay up.

ricky: “Okay, stop-stop eating now, Karl. You’ve et all the food. That’s just the plate.” “Oh, right. Okay.”

steve: Yeah.

karl: No, I just- I stayed up and watched, um… there was a thing on about Dracula.

steve: Right. What, “Dracula?”

karl: And I found a flaw in it.

steve: Go on.

ricky: Not-not the fact that he’s the living dead and is--

karl: No.

ricky: And drinks blood to stay alive and he doesn’t reflect--

steve: And he turns into a bat.

ricky: And you can- go on.

karl: The mirror thing, he can’t look in mirrors… can he?

steve: Well, he can look in mirrors but he can’t see himself in a mirror.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Alright, well that still doesn’t work.

steve: Okay. Go on.

ricky: It doesn’t work at all, Karl. It doesn’t work anyway.

steve: No, well…

karl: Centre-parting’s always really neat.

steve: His centre-parting’s always really neat?

ricky: How does he do it if he can’t look in the mirror?

karl: “B-Blood on the Floor” or something it was called. Rubbish.

ricky: I love the flaw in the Dracula film was that his centre-parting’s too neat. How did he do it without a mirror? Ohh.

steve: Was it a documentary about Dracula?

karl: No--

ricky: The real Dracula, the real Dracula that--

steve: Yeah, the real Dracula. The true story.

karl: It was just a film. It had- “Blood on the Floor” or something, it was called.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: From 1970.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right. But you stayed up and watched that?

ricky: You know there aren’t really vampires in that sense?

karl: Yeah.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: But it still annoys ya that his centre-parting was too neat.

karl: Well, if you’re gonna do it, d’you know what I mean?

ricky: I’d like to see him with a fringe sort of pushed forward.

steve: Mm.

ricky: And maybe a hood up. “Alright? I come to suck your blood an’ that, alright? Eh..”

steve: Just bits of tissue paper all over his face.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Where he's cut himself shaving.

ricky: “Oh, oh, I can’t see. Bloody mirror’s annoyin’ me now, innit?” I’d love to see that. A little Manc Drac. That would be great, wouldn’t it?

karl: Well, that-that might be a film that we do in, uh, our movie--

ricky: Mancula!

karl: Just-just getting on to that.

ricky: Mancula! Count Mancula.

ricky: “Alright? ‘Ave you got any rave? ’Ave you got any rave music? Ah? Got any Oasis an’ that?” That’d be brilliant.

ricky: (dramatically) “He came from Manchester. Please welcome, Mancula.” “Alright?” That would be great, wouldn’t it? His hair’s a mess. “Well, I can’t see a mirror, can I?” Well, we’ve got a show lined up for you. Um, sad news for Rockbusters fans. It is going to be the last Rockbusters.

steve: Does that mean that we are doing another one and it’s the last one or--

ricky: We are doing another one and it’s the last one.

steve: Ohh, man.

karl: But it’s a special one, Steve.

steve: Have you?

karl: Um, it’s just, sort of--

steve: What, it makes sense?

steve: First time only?

karl: No. It’s-it’s, uh, it’s done on accents, cause I’m running out of, like, clues, an’ that to use.

ricky: Oh, is this bit good as the Jamaican one, uh, “De Trout Spinners?”

steve: (laughing) “De Trout Spinners!”

ricky: That doesn’t work at all.

karl: A bit like that.

steve: Okay, so go on. What’s-what’s the gist of this one?

karl: Well, it’s just, um, I’ve binned the sound effects bit. That-that didn’t really work out. So there’s three, sort of, cryptic clues.

steve: Yep.

ricky: Yeah. Sort of cryptic, yeah.

karl: And it’s done on, uh, it’s done on accents. And I’ve sort of worked down the country, so I’ve got a Northern one.

steve: Mm-hmm.

karl: I’ve got a Brummie one and I’ve got a, uh, Cockney one.

ricky: Excellent.

steve: Alright. Looking forward to that. We’ve got quite a lot of competitions, haven’t we, cause we’ve also got your film competition.

ricky: He’s, uh, he’s appearing in “The Shining” this week, Steve.

steve: Excellent. Okay.

ricky: Um, we’ve also got, “Ooh, Chimpanzee That! More Monkey News From Around the World.”

steve: (Laughing) “Monkey News.”

ricky: Uhh…

steve: Stay tuned for that!

ricky: But there’s one that I thought we could phase in as we phased out Rockbusters. It’s an old favourite. Karl, it was before your time. XFamily Fortunes.

steve: XFamily Fortunes. It’s brilliant.

ricky: Get on the line.

steve: Is nothing to TV “Family Fortunes.”

ricky: No, it’s XFamily Fortunes.

steve: You can’t get him on that.

ricky: So we’ll be playing that a little bit later, as well, with two lucky, um, people that call up and we’ll be giving away some great prizes I imagine, Steve.

steve: Excellent. Yeah.

ricky: Go through those a little bit later.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, as it was Valentine’s Day weekend, what about, uh, a lovely song by Lloyd Cole?

steve: Aww.

ricky: “Like Lovers Do.”

steve: I’d love to hear it.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Lloyd Cole, “Like Lovers Do” on XFM 104.9.

steve: Is that for all the lovers out there?

ricky: Yeah. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and little Karl Pilkington. Oh, we’re having a laugh, aren’t we? Little Karl with his sandwich an’ that.

steve: ‘Ey, he’s chewed it up, hasn’t he?

ricky: Ohh, having a- orghh. I’m still bruised where you punched me in the shoulder showing that you could box.

steve: Yeah, to be fair, though, Rick, you do think that you’re now a professional boxer cause you’ve been on the telly.

ricky: I’m like Rocky Marciano. Yeah.

steve: No, he does. I mean, he laughs about it, but he does walk around thinking, “Yeah, I could probably handle myself in a street brawl.”

ricky: In fact, I walk around handling myself.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: A lot of the time. Don’t I, Karl? Um--

steve: And often Karl.

ricky: Yeah! Yeah. Aw, I lo- cause he’s got his little round head, I’ve got another mate who’s got a little bald head and I like to squeeze it.

steve: Mm.

ricky: To see how far- d’you know what I mean? Like an egg. It- you can squeeze it that way, sort of sideways and that hurts, but then squeeze it forward to back; it doesn’t hurt so much, does it?

steve: Do you know what worries me is I think if you ever actually did crack Karl’s head, I think yolk would come out.

ricky: (giggling) Yeah, I know! I do- he was forward, drawing, and I gave him a little karate chop on the back of the head and he jumped! He spasmed!

steve: Sorry, you gave him a karate chop on the back of the head?

ricky: Yeah!

steve: To be fair, though, I think I’d spasm, Rick.

steve: If a man crept up behind me and karate chopped me in the neck. That’s probably a natural reaction.

ricky: Didn’t I laugh? Eh, Karl?

karl: Yeah, had a right good laugh.

ricky: Oh. So we’ve got lots of, uh, little things to get through. Look at his little face! You alright? We had a little lunch yesterday, didn’t we?

steve: We did, indeed. That was a nightmare.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I hate going out with you two.

ricky: I was explaining to Karl, right? I-I like to excite Karl’s imagination, alright? And, uh, um, if it involves chimps or monkeys, all the better. Um, brains he likes. Parts of the body. Deformity. You know, I kno- I know where to, you know, what buttons to push and, um, I told him about this thing- I don’t know if, uh, uh, any of you out there, um, know about this, um, but the-there’s an experiment that they did in the fifties, um, a clinical psychology experiment where a- your two hemispheres of the brain, okay? They’re joined by a thing called the corpus callosum, right? Which is just a little flap of skin, like a little scart lead that joins your two hemispheres. And what they did- they cut that in half and they thought it was a cure for schizophrenia, but what it turned out to be- or epilepsy, I think. I can’t remember. Um, uh, was that your two side of your brains didn’t function together. You couldn’t get information. I was telling Karl all this thing, right. One of the things I told him was that they did it on a monkey and it fought itself over a nut. Like, it’s right arm was connected, you know, by it’s left lobe of the brain and it was fighting over itself. And Karl went, instead of, like, thinking this is amazing, the experiment, he went, “Would it, would it have been happy if you’d given it two nuts?”

steve: Yeah, I know. You started off by explaining it and I remember you mentioned- I- cause I was watching the two of you as you were describing it to him. You said, “Of course, one side of the brain deals with, uh, symbolism.“ And as you said the word “symbolism,” I noticed Karl drift away from looking at you--

steve: Pick up his mobile phone and start pressing buttons randomly.

steve: And I'd-I thought, “It was the word ‘symbolism’ that got him” and I noticed- you took a moment longer and I think the first thing you said was, “When did I lose you?”

ricky: Yeah. I knew I’d lost him.

steve: It is extraordinary and he doesn’t even try to disguise it!

ricky: I think I said “nomenclature” at one point, as well.

steve: Right, yeah

ricky: And I-I knew I was dicing with death, there.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But, um, you tried to look it up, didn’t you, on the, on the web. You didn’t find anything about it, did ya?

karl: Yeah, the spelling, the spelling of it’s- what is it, again? What’s the word?

ricky: Corpus callosum.

karl: Yeahh. I couldn’t put- couldn’t do it. Couldn’t--

ricky: No. There’s no point. Don’t bother.

steve: Give up.

ricky: Don’t bother.

steve: Give up.

ricky: Um, so if anyone knows any interesting facts about that, that, uh--

steve: I don’t suppose- yours hasn’t been cut in half, has it, Karl? That would, again, might explain something.

karl: I’ll tell ya what we will be talking about later. I don’t know if you‘re-you-you’re sort of aware of them, Steve.

steve: Go on.

karl: Bonobos.

ricky: Ohh, I told him--

steve: I don’t know much about Bonobos.

ricky: I told him about, um- he was looking for stuff. I said, “Put in ‘Bonobos.’” He was having no luck with “Chimp.” Um, and they’re, uh, they’re -they’re a form of Chimpanzee, but, um, they-they’re even closer to us, evolutionary speaking. They’ve got- they’re social, um, groups are more like ours. They’re-they’re more intelligent and he was loving it, weren’t ya?

steve: So is it, is it, Human, Bonobo, Karl?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is how it works on the evolutionary ladder.

ricky: Chimp, Karl.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So we're talking about 'em.

steve: So we’re talking about Bonobos. You’re excited about that.

karl: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Is that coming up in, uh, Monkey News?

karl: Um, no. I think it’s a bit of a Monkey Bonus.

steve: Oh, we always like a Monkey Bonus.

ricky: Monkey Bonobus.

ricky: WC featuring Snoop, “The Streets” on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. I think we should, uh, kick off with a bit of a competition. I think we should get the…the listeners involved, here.

steve: Mm-hmm.

ricky: Phone up if you want to play XFamily Fortunes.

steve: Now a lot of people, of course, won't be familiar with this because we played this in the very early days of XFM.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um, do you want to explain the rules or do you just want people to phone in and--

ricky: It’s like “Family Fortunes.”

ricky: We read trivia. Uh, I ask you--

steve: Do you remember we discussed this before; you can’t say that?

ricky: Yeah. Um, and so get two on the line. You-you’re competing against each other and so it’s fingers on the buzzers. Um- will you stop chewing, picking your teeth? I-it’s- I mean, even if the listeners can’t hear it, it really annoys me.

steve: It is a bit like having a chimp in the room.

ricky: Do you know what I mean, Karl?

karl: Alright.

ricky: Have you ever seen him heat- eat hot food?

steve: No.

ricky: Honestly, it is like a chimp.

ricky: “And what ya doing?” “What?”

ricky: Just ge- oh.

ricky: God.

steve: Or like the Cookie Monster.

ricky: Yeah. Ohh. I’m never annoying, Karl, so why are you?

ricky: Do you know what I mean, Steve?

steve: You are so annoying. I’ll tell- have you been with him- trying to go, trying to have lunch with Ricky?

karl: Yeah.

steve: It’s the hardest thing possible. You wander around for hours. Comb- it’s a combination that used to be bad, even before he was a celebrity because he has this- a tolerance level I- it’s extraordinary. I mean, he is irritated by a car honking it’s horn in the street.

steve: It’s, “Oh, I can’t believe it! Let’s go in here. I-I’m so angry. Orghh.”

steve: It- he-he gets annoyed by police sirens, by rain, wind.

steve: Birds in the air. Other people in the streets.

ricky: They’re the most annoying.

steve: Children, particularly, whether they’re in a school playground we happen to be walking past.

steve: Whether they’re on TV.

ricky: It’s just noise that isn’t mine.

steve: Well, I know, but this is the thing! You are the most irritating man I’ve ever met without a shadow of a doubt.

steve: I mean, you know that, Karl, don’t you? Noises he makes, um. It’s extraordinary. I mean, I’ve been, I’ve been while- I’ve been editing some behind the scenes footage we shot of, uh, making the second series of “The Office.” It’s extraordinary. I’ve had to cut sequences out involving Ricky cause they’ll just think he’s a gimmick, just think he’s an idiot, like some kind of puppet that the rest of us are controlling because he’s shouting, he’s whistling, he’s honking, he’s making noises, he’s dancing around. It’s extraordinary and if you’re out trying to find somewhere to eat with him all these irritants, all these annoyances and it’s, “Oh, that music’s too loud. I don’t like that particular song, I’m not going in there. There’s more than eight people in that café, I’m not going in there.” It’s just extraordinary. I think we need a woman- I’m thinking of hiring a woman, like a PA, to just go out ahead of us. Scout ahead of us. Go in- and you know, she can just sound back--

ricky: Ooh, sexist.

ricky: Oooooh.

steve: Or a guy.

ricky: Ooh, that’s--

steve: Or a fella.

ricky: Oooooh, sexist.

steve: Or a fella. Just to scout ahead--

ricky: Ooh.

steve: Phone back--

ricky: Thinking of hiring a woman, subservient role. He couldn’t hire- oh no. Ooh. Sexist.

steve: Well, that or a chance to meet a woman.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That I’m also paying.

ricky: It’s like, it’s like paying for it.

steve: (laughing) Exactly.

ricky: Slightly more above board.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So if you want to play Family Fortunes call up- what’s the number?

karl: 08700 800 1234

ricky: Yeah, it’s just like Family Fortunes. Trivia, we’re competing for some great prizes and, uh, I go, um, “Something you’d--” You know how it goes.

steve: Ha!

ricky: And then you go, “Buzz” and-and uh--

ricky: Play a- I’m bored.

steve: It’s not as high-tech as Family Fortunes.

steve: Current single from Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds and that’s “Bring It On.”

ricky: Yeah. On XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington and two people on the line to play XFamily Fortunes.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Hello.

karl: Steve first.

steve: Hello.

ricky: Steve, hello.

steve: Steve first? Hello, how you doing?

ricky: You alright, mate? Where you calling from?

steve: Uh, from my pub in Barnes.

ricky: You got a pub?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: In Barnes?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Are you posh?

steve: No.

ricky: I suppose that you’re the-the local landlord that they- do they come in and, sort of, like, go, “Good man. There’s a, there’s a shilling. Get me some ale”? They’re all posh in Barnes, aren’t they?

steve: Well, no, not all of them, actually.

ricky: Does Nigel Havers come in your pub, cause he lives there, doesn’t he?

steve: Well, none of them do, actually. I know there’s lots of ‘em that about, aren’t there, at Barnes, but, um…but no, not in--

ricky: Banned ‘em. You’ve banned ‘em. Who-who’s on the other line?

karl: It’s, uh, Jennifer.

ricky: Jennifer, hello.

jennifer: Hello.

ricky: Where are you calling from?

jennifer: I’m calling from Forrest Hill.

ricky: Forrest Hill. That’s right south, innit? I don’t go out of WC 1.

jennifer: You should.

steve: Do you own a pub?

jennifer: Do I own a pub? No.

steve: Do you drink in one?

jennifer: Yes.

steve: That’s as good.

ricky: Just-just-just some friendly chat, there.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: I think--

jennifer: Just bring the brain that you were talking about before.

ricky: Oh, yeah.

jennifer: I can’t remember what it’s called, but they did an experiment and apparently the links of it determine whether you’re a straight or gay.

ricky: Is that right?

jennifer: That’s what I heard. Yeah.

ricky: Well--

karl: So, what; you could actually trim it if you fancied--

jennifer: Didn’t go that far.

ricky: Ohh.

karl: Always--

ricky: You-you-you’ve just interacted with Karl Pilkington.

jennifer: Oh my God.

ricky: I-I’d treasure that. Right, here’s the prizes.

steve: Okay, now, um, listen. Don’t be disappointed because, as ever, Karl has just gone through some people’s drawers here at XFM and found some really quite shoddy prizes. So, um, you get (laughs) on DVD- I don’t know if you’re a fan of- is it- are they a German band? Rammschtien. Or Rammstein.

ricky: Rammstein. Oh, you’ll enjoy that.

steve: But there’s, uh, any number- (laughs) that includes, “Asche zu Asche”, “Spien mit mir” and “Herzeleid.” That’s just some of the classics on this, uh, DVD of their-their greatest videos. Uh, “Red Dwarf,” uh, the first series--

ricky: Do you think Germans sit around looking at Oasis records and going, “Look at these! ‘Wonderwall!’ Ha ha ha ha!”

steve: Possibly so.

ricky: Well--

steve: Um, “Best- The Very Best of The Stone Roses.” Um, although I might have that, so anyway. Uh, there’s also an “I Love You” compilation, kind of appropriate and, um, a tribute to The Ramones, which is quite interesting.

ricky: So-so you can get the idea, um, Steve and Jennifer, the stakes are pretty high.

ricky: Okay, here we go. XFamily Fortunes. So fingers on the buzzers. Just both go, “Waaah” if you think you can answer this right and then we, uh, the-the highest answer, or the top answer, gets the chance to play or pass. If you play, you’ve got to get all five answers. There are five answers. Um, every wrong answer, you get a life and I go, “Pbbt pbbt” and when you get three- when you lose three lifelines then the other person can steal. It’s as simple as that.

steve: If you’ve seen the show “Family Fortunes”--

ricky: No, this a new- this is not based on anything I’ve ever seen ever in my life. Okay. Right. Okay, fingers on the buzzers. Okay? Name something- we asked eight of my mates, alright? Something you associate with Karl Pilkington.

jennifer: Waah!

ricky: Okay, Jennifer. What?

jennifer: Sillyness.

ricky: Yep. That’s the top answer, thick or dimness.

karl: Hang on--

ricky: Do you want to play or pass?

jennifer: Play, please.

ricky: Okay, okay. Stay-stay tuned, Steven, cause you might be able to steal if she gets three wrong. (laughing) Okay?

steve: Alright.

ricky: Right, okay? Right, we got a top answer, four to go. Thick or dimness is top answer, obviously. Okay, Jennifer. Some other things associated with Karl.

jennifer: Comedy.

ricky: You’d think so, wouldn’t ya? Pbbt pbbt. No.

jennifer: No, I don’t even know who he is. Um…

steve: You don’t even know who he is?

ricky: No, she does. She must--

steve: And yet bizarrely, she knows that silliness or stupidity as an answer.

jennifer: I know!

ricky: Yeah, c’mon. Summat else.

jennifer: Um…erm…smelly eyebrows.

ricky: Pbbt pbbt.

ricky: One more wrong answer and then Steven gets a chance to steal.

jennifer: Okay. Um, ahh…I don’t know! Um…

ricky: People are screaming it at home.

jennifer: Very sensible.

ricky: Pbbt pbbt. Aww--

steve: What was that, very sensible?

ricky: Sorry. Yeah. Okay, Steven, can you think of one of the answers that Jennifer didn’t get?

steve: Uh, must be a mind for inane nonsense.

ricky: Oh, well, I’m gonna give you that cause number five is “even thicker.” So--

ricky: Yeah, what you missed is, um- our top answer was “thick or dim.” Second top answer was “Manchester.” Third was “round head.” Fourth was “hairy Chinese kid” and five was “even thicker.” Um, so, I-I think Steve is the winner there.

steve: Yeah, I think he’s done well.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Uh, you enjoy, uh, Rammstein and you get The Stone Roses and an “I Love You” CD.

ricky: So that’s the, that’s the pilot for this show, okay? When Blockbuster’s all over, this- we’re going to phase in XFamily Fortunes. Karl, thoughts?

karl: It’s not that good, is it?

ricky: Why?

karl: It’s not, it’s not that good. Just…

steve: Ha!

karl: I-I’m-I’m not that happy with it.

ricky: Why!?

karl: Why?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well, I’m just… what else? What-wha-….now--

steve: You’re definitely right about that top answer.

ricky: Well, thanks, uh- Right, um, so Steven wins all those prizes.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Ohh.

steve: Stay on the line and we’ll take your address.

ricky: And we’ll send something to Jennifer as well for even bothering…to talk to Karl. So--

ricky: What’s this, Karl? What are you playing now?

karl: A bit of Badly Drawn Boy.

ricky: Yeah, excellent. Bye!

karl: Are we doing, are we doing Rockbusters, then?

ricky: Later.

ricky: Eminem, “Sing for the Moment” on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Right, Karl, moving on. Got a lot to cram in. If you yawn again or pick your teeth or chew, I…oh, God.

steve: Can I just- you know sometimes I get told off by Karl. He gets a little bit sulky if I slag off the prizes that he sources for each competition. Uh, this is from Rob in Croydon. He’s a former winner of Rockbusters--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Uh, he said he didn’t even know what the prizes were going to be when he entered. Uh, he won and sure enough for one night only he was a hero. The following morning, uh, “it was just Rob again and all I had to show for my triumph are five compilation CDs I’ll never listen to.”

ricky: Yeah.

steve: “And two DVDs I’ll perhaps get nine pounds for on eBay. Please get some decent prizes. Ricky, you’re BBC’s golden child of comedy. What are you doing? How many of your listeners really are into Stephen Poliakoff’s ‘The Lost Prince’? No one, that’s how many." There, that is a winner. That’s someone who has got a reason to like us--

ricky: Karl.

steve: And like you.

ricky: I think he’s got the same attitude as Steve when you give him something for free.

karl: Yeah. Yeah. Sorted you out with N.E.R.D. tickets for last night. Lot of messing around, lot of phoning around going on to get you them tickets.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Come in today. “You enjoy the gig?” “Couldn’t be bothered going, Karl.”

ricky: Yeah. Typical.

karl: Yeah.

steve: I didn’t say I couldn’t be bothered going, Karl. You just persum-presume-assumed that that was the case. You’re right, but--

karl: Well.

steve: The point is this, Karl; once you’ve given me the tickets, they are mine to do with what I see fit.

karl: The thing is- what annoys me is, right--

karl: I bet he hasn’t even listened to them CDs. He might find some--

ricky: No, that-that’s his point, I think.

karl: Yeah, yeah--

ricky: To be fair.

karl: But I don’t want to give ‘em stuff that’s too good, cause then they’ll listen to CDs instead of XFM.

steve: Of course. There’s always careful planning.

karl: So.

ricky: You’ve always got an answer. Ohh, Karl. You’re my hero. We-we don’t care, do we, Karl?

karl: Well, I-I’m- I-I’m- I think prizes are alright considering what they’ve got to do.

steve: Ha!

karl: You know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right.

karl: It’s just a bit of fun, for God sake.

karl: So, uh--

ricky: Please do not blaspheme on air.

karl: Something, uh--

karl: Something else we’re giving away.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Um, “The Shining.”

ricky: It’s more throwing away, innit?

steve: Once again--

ricky: On video?

steve: Once again, it’s on VHS.

ricky: Just cause you buy it out of your own money, Karl, stop being so mean!

karl: I’ll might want to watch it tonight, cause it’s one of those films that, um--

steve: (laughing) So you’re-you’re going to watch this video and then you’re going to send it to someone as a prize.

karl: Yeah, it’s one of those films that--

ricky: Sorry, you just said yes to that without blinking.

karl: Well, yeah. You don’t think, like, Les Dennis doesn’t have a quick go in the car on “Family Fortunes“ before he gives it away?

steve: It costs five ninety-nine.

ricky: -has a go at those his and her towel racks.

steve: It costs five ninety-nine, Karl.

ricky: Okay. This is, uh, Karl, uh, in-in the classic, “The Shining.”

karl: And what’s the question?

ricky: Well, we might ask that afterwards.

karl: Okay, then.

karl: Alright?

jack torrance: Hi.

karl: Still, uh…still trying to write the, uh, the book then? Yeah?

jack torrance: Yes.

karl: Good. Funny, someone told me the other day a weird thing about a typewriter. The top row of letters, the longest word you can write is typewriter. I’ll just show ya. Just--

karl: That’s weird, innit? It’s just- the typewriter being- you’re not in the mood, are ya? You’re in one of those grouchy moods again that you get into when you’re writing.

jack torrance: I’m not being grouchy. I just want to finish my work.

karl: Yeah, yeah. Just-just being a bit funny. A bit off-hand an’ that.

jack torrance: Let me explain something to you.

karl: Go on.

jack torrance: Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you’re breaking my concentration. You’re distracting me. And it will then take me time to get back to where I was. Understand?

karl: Yeah, but I just was coming in trying to cheer you up, you know if you… I mean, I-I’m full of ideas as well. You know, if you’re having a problem coming up with stuff, got loads of stuff. Loads of ideas you could write about. The other day I read about this hairy Chinese kid.

jack torrance: What do you want me to do about it?

karl: No, it’s just that it-it could make a good book. D’you know what I mean? Sort of follow him ‘round. Uh--

jack torrance: That’s swell.

karl: Well, I’d buy it. You know? But if you don’t want to know…we’ll have to- don’t bother doing it. But do you know what I mean? It’s just a hairy Chinese kid. It’s-it’s weird because they’re not normally that hairy over there. Yet this kid; caked in it. But if you don’t care--

jack torrance: I wouldn’t touch one hair on his Goddamned little head.

karl: You wouldn’t have to touch any hair on his head. Like I say, he’s covered. Leave the head alone if you want. Touch his hands. He’s totally covered in it, but it-it--

jack torrance: I love the little son of a bitch.

karl: Well, don’t go that far. You haven’t met him, but I could sort it out--

jack torrance: I’d do anything for him.

karl: I don’t think he’d expect that much. Just take him to the barbers three or four times a week. You know, he’s a good-good little kid. In fact, I’ll do it. I think I’ll write a book on him. Yeah?

jack torrance: Do you think you can handle that?

karl: Yeah.

jack torrance: You’re not too busy are you?

karl: Well, yeah, I’m pretty busy. I’ve got to sort out some, uh, some monkey facts for the show this Saturday, but I reckon I can still--

jack torrance: Why don’t you start right now and get out of here?

karl: Alright. I will if you’re gonna be like that. Couldn’t borrow a pen, could I? See ya later.

steve: There you go.

ricky: Haunting. Haunting stuff, there. Karl Pilkington in “The Shining.”

steve: You know in the film Jack Nicholson goes crazy because the suggestion is he’s maybe possessed by demons that maybe, uh, are in the, in the hotel. But, you know, if I was stranded in a desolate hotel, removed from all human contact with Karl, I’d go mental with an axe.

steve: Without being possessed by demons.

steve: That’s more chilling to me, trying to get some work done and you keep wandering in.

ricky: I’m trying to get Karl to spend a couple days in a caravan with me.

ricky: Just for the hell of it and he-he’s- he won’t. I’ve offered him money, won’t I? I think it‘d be a great laugh, won’t it, Karl?

karl: Oh yeah. Great.

steve: That would be terrifying!

ricky: No, I want to film it. I--

steve: The two of you--

ricky: Like a little video diary. “There’s Karl there. He’s just waking up.”

karl: Well--

steve: If I was stranded, that would be like being- I may as well be with Freddy Krueger--

steve: That’s-that’s more scary.

karl: The thing is--

steve: The two of you.

karl: Ricky doesn’t mess you about as much as he messes me about.

steve: No, well you see, you’ve given him an inch. You’ve given him an inch and he’s taken a yard.

karl: Twelve-thirty he got in today. In, uh, thirty minutes between twelve-thirty and one, the old bin lid on the head. He wanted to do that again.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Uh…

karl: Squeezing me head think he had a go at. And, uh, karate chop on the back of the neck.

steve: Yeah.

karl: All in thirty minutes.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Who else can say that?

ricky: (laughing) “Who else can say that!? Who else can say--” What do you mean?

karl: Ohh. Anyway, have we got a question?

steve: Yeah, to win a copy of, (laughs) I’m so embarrassed to say it, “The Shining”--

ricky: On VHS!

steve: On VHS. It’s worth five ninety-nine and it will have already been watched by Karl Pilkington. Probably not even rewound.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: To win that--

ricky: And-and a little bit of tripe and cowheels where it just slipped into his dinner.

ricky: A balm cake on the side.

steve: As he was reading the back of the box, trying to figure out what was going on.

ricky: Ingredients.

steve: Um--

karl: For all this, right--

steve: To- ohh.

karl: Here’s a question.

steve: I’ve got a question.

ricky: No, go on. No, wha- I want to hear Karl’s first.

steve: Okay.

karl: No, it’s about the film. Um, cause when I was whizzing through it I saw something. I thought, “Oh, that’s good.” Um, the kid who’s in it, um, he was writing something on the back of a door with lipstick.

karl: What was it?

steve: Well, that’s a tricky question. I can’t remember.

ricky: Nor can I.

karl: Alright then.

steve: So the kid in it was writing--

ricky: Is that going to be too hard for anyone?

steve: Let’s see if- I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s somebody…

ricky: Well, the phones are going so it might be.

karl: Yeah, but this e-mail, innit?

steve: Alright, Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk. What was being scrawled on the back of a door by the little kid in “The Shining”? Be honest, if you know that it means you’ve probably already got it and you’ve watched it about eight times.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Fair enough though.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Bob Dylan. Oh. “You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go” on XFM. Sorry, they’re arguing. Steve and Karl are arguing about--

steve: But he just goes, “You’ve got to keep it slick!”

ricky: Can I just tell ‘em what you’re arguing about? The- think of this, right? This is the argument. They’re arguing whose fault it is why this show is rubbish. Think of that!

steve: Wha-what? That’s a perfect- I think that’s a valid criticism. At least we’re discussing it! You’re just accepting that that’s the case!

steve: You’re not even trying to change it!

steve: We’re ashamed of it!

ricky: Yeah! I should be, I should be, but, uh, I quite like it.

karl: In fact, I remember- remember when we went out about two weeks ago and said we’ve got to, you know, make it tighter an’ that, make it good.

karl: Um, went out for something to eat. You-you were happy sat at the table, talking about squids and having to, you know--

karl: Go off with one if you wanted to have a kid. I brought up the topic. “Right, what are we gonna do about this show?” Suddenly you’ve got to go. It’s like, “Ah, I think I’ve- I’ve made plans.” So me and Steve sat there coming up with stuff--

ricky: Can I just ex- no--

ricky: See, I do the- I-I-I do- I do acknowledge, um, quite-quite shamefully that this is more enjoyable for me to do than for you to listen to. But it’s like, it’s like two hours, sort of, play time for me. It’s like, um, you know the study period when you’re meant to read a book, but you actually can afford to run around and draw pictures. I think about this. Even though I’m getting paid for this and I’m meant to be working, it’s nice. It’s cool, innit?

ricky: Not-not for the listener! But for me.

steve: But-but the problem is, the only way we can improve this show, Karl, to be honest. The only way we can this good is if the three of us resign.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And they replace it with someone else.

ricky: Yeah, but, Karl, you’re getting flustered and you’re getting stressed cause you’re, you know- I don’t know why. I was saying, “Answer the phones.” You were letting them ring. You’re still letting it ring. You’re still letting people phone you, go- leave that. And people are phoned in, good enough to phone in to ask for something for free, I think you should at least answer the phone and say, “It’s not worth it. The prizes are rubbish.”

karl: Well whilst I’m busy doing the other stuff, maybe you can do that.

ricky: No way.

karl: Right then.

ricky: No way.

steve: But to be fair, Rick, I’m not, I’m not accusing you of being lazy--

ricky: No!

steve: But you’re sat on a chair and yet you’re almost vertical.

ricky: I know! I’ve got--

steve: I don’t know how’ve you done it. It’s like you’re almost asleep, but you’re sat on that right chair. I don’t know how you’ve- you angled yourself in that way!

ricky: I’m gonna have a bad back when I’m- ohh. In old age. I’m just going to be bent double.

karl: Alright, so c’mon now.

ricky: What?

karl: Pretend we’re starting now.

ricky: Okay.

karl: We’ve just started the show now.

ricky: Yeah, it’s two o’clock.

karl: Right.

ricky: It’s XFM. Um, it’s the Ricky Gervais show with Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Or our show. It’s our show. From now on, I’m-I’m-I’m at least cutting up the blame, as well. Um, XFM 104.9. What’d you want to know? A funny thing happened to me on the, on the way here.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Um, actually it was, uh, like, Wednesday or Thursday. I was walking along. I was walking along Charing Cross Road. I was on my way here, actually, to meet Karl for drink. And, um, this little fella came up to me. I think was a, uh, an overseas student. He was sort of, like, student-type, but he had an accent and, uh, he came up to me. He went, “Excuse me, uh, are you ze one from ‘The Office’?” And I went, “Um, yep. Yeah.” He went, “Um, would you sign a script book of ‘The Office’ for me?” I went, “Uh, yep. By all means, yeah.” He went, “Can you come to ze bookshop?”

ricky: And I went, “Wha-what, you haven’t got it on you?” He went, “No, but if you come, I will buy one for you to sign.” And I went, “I can’t really.” He went, “Well, you’re going to pass one.” I went, “I’m not, no. I can’t.” And he went, and he went like this, he went, “Ohh. I was just, I was just in Waterstones earlier. I didn’t buy one.” I went, “Ohh, sorry.” He went, “You could just--” I went, “I can’t.” He went, “Okay.” I went, “I-I’ll sign summat else if you got summat else I can sign.” He went, “Of course.”

ricky: And I signed a pamphlet or a brochure or summat for him, but I loved the idea- imagine me going with him and queuing up and I’m in the queue. He’s going, “Meh, are you--” “Yeah, fine. Can you just- hurry up.” And he gets there and his Switch doesn’t work and he goes, “Can you lend me ten pounds?”

ricky: I mean, imagine that!

steve: I’m a little bit annoyed you didn’t go with him, frankly, because that would have been a sale of our book and I get a little cut of that.

ricky: Well, behind him was Salman Rushdie.

ricky: Going, “Can we hurry up cause- I’ve re- I shouldn’t be out.”

steve: (laughing) Yeah, yeah.

ricky: “I’m getting a lot of funny looks. And I really, you know. I don‘t, I don‘t feel comfortable.”

steve: But- I thought it was very odd the other day, which- we were walking along and Ricky often gets bothered for an autograph and, um, some Japanese people, who, I think, were tourists--

ricky: Aw, this was funny.

steve: They-they appeared behind a corner and I thought, “This is odd. They-” you know, they seemed like tourists, but they’re obviously going to ask for an autograph. And they just handed him a camera and said, “Excuse me, would you take a photo of us?”

ricky: I was, I was cracking up.

steve: And they didn’t recognize him. They didn’t recognize him.

ricky: I was laughing. I was thinking, “Right.” Oh, dear.

steve: So now Ricky’s stood in the street. People are recognizing him as he’s taking a photo of three complete Japanese strangers.

steve: And I imagine them getting home and sort of saying, “And here’s the one we had taken by Ricky Gervais.” “Taken with Ricky Gervais?” “No, taken by Ricky Gervais.”

ricky: “From ‘The Office.’”

ricky: Isn’t that brilliant? Oh. “Would you come to the bookshop with me?”

steve: The life of a minor celebrity.

ricky: Not really.

ricky: “Times Like These,” Foo Fighters on XFM 104.9. Karl.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Let’s build up to Monkey News. Do you want to give the, uh, the competition answer and winner?

karl: Yeah. Uh, we did the bit on-on “The Shining.” Me acting out an’ that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And the question was the kid in the film “The Shining”--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He, uh--

karl: After, like, the devil had got in him an’ that--

steve: Ha!

karl: Uh--

ricky: This isn’t written out, is it? You’re just winging this, aren’t you?

karl: No, but I remember it.

steve: But you haven’t seen the film, though, have you?

karl: No, but when I was whizzing through to get the clips to make that thing--

steve: Right.

karl: I saw it and thought, “Hang on a minute, I‘ll watch this bit.” And that’s why I want to take it home tonight and watch it.

steve: You’re excited, yeah.

ricky: I meant more how you’re presenting the competition. It’s just like Jonathan Ross on “Film 2003.”

karl: Well, I’m just-just saying, right? So the kid’s there in the bedroom and he’s, uh, he’s got his mam’s lipstick--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And he’s, uh, he’s saying--

ricky: Doesn’t run… a-a mobile D--

karl: No. And he said, uh- he wrote down “Redrum.”

steve: Yeah.

karl: On the back of the door.

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: And his mam wakes up and thinks, “What’s he doing?”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: She looks at him and she goes, “Oh” and then she looks in the mirror and sees “Redrum” in the mirror--

steve: Right. She thinks he's offering racing tips.

karl: Says “murder” in the--

steve: Ooh, clever.

ricky: Ooh.

karl: So, uh, Kelly in Hounslow got that right, so--

ricky: Excellent.

karl: After I’ve watched the film, I’ll be whizzing that over to Hounslow.

ricky: Brilliant! I lo- I mean, the one thing I do like about, um, this show for all its faults is the--

steve: Honesty?

ricky: Yeah. I mean, that could be good and bad. I mean, it’s- I mean, some people would think it’s-it's sloppy, arrogance, laziness, you know, thoughtlessness--

steve: They’d be right!

ricky: Yeah, but, um, I-I like, I like to think it’s honesty. It’s like a peek into the-the mind and workings of Karl Pilkington. He just said to me cause he was shaking cause- he said to me and I-I quote, he said, “Ohh-” He’s just wittering to himself. “I must remember to eat next time Suzanne’s away.”

steve: (chuckling) I know. I know.

ricky: “I must remember to eat next time Suzanne’s away.”

karl: No, but you do- I mean, I wonder if I lived on me own if I’d still be about.

karl: Because I just neglect meself.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So, I mean, all I’ve eaten--

ricky: A lot of self abuse. Is that what you’re saying?

karl: I had lasagne last night that I messed up. Right?

ricky: Why’d you mess it up?

karl: Cooked it for too long. It was like a brick.

karl: Right? Um, and she called up and said, “Have you eaten?” I went, “Yep.” She going “Is it nice? What you have?” I said, “Lasagne.” “And was it nice?” And I thought I don’t want her to worry cause she’s probably been out and had a good meal with all her work people.

ricky and steve: Yeah.

karl: I didn’t want to say, “Well…I’m not, you know--”

ricky: And she went, “Okay, bye!“ “Bye!” And they go, “That Karl?” Go, “Yeah, I bet he cooked it like a brick.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “I bet he threw it away! Anyway. Gin and tonic.”

karl: And I had, uh, Scotch pancakes for breakfast. That is all I’ve had. So I’m starving. I’m shaky. Plus I’ve got that Restless Leg Syndrome still going on.

karl: Which I can’t get rid of.

ricky: What’s “Restless Leg Syndrome”?

karl: I find, uh, if I go to bed, right? Me body’s tired but me legs aren’t.

ricky: Are you like Michael Flatley?

steve: You have to get up and do a bit of tap dancing?

ricky: Do they just keep going even when you’re asleep?

karl: They just keep moving about so I have to get up and stretch ‘em or something or I’ve worked out that if-if I put a pillow on, like, the bedpost down at the other end--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: If I have me legs higher than me heart, it calms it down a bit.

steve: Is this why Suzanne works away so often?

karl: I don’t, I don’t know. It’s weird.

steve: To get a decent nights sleep?

karl: I put it down to Smarties an’ that. It’s like, uh, a sugar thing, but, um--

ricky: Stop eating ‘em.

karl: Apparently Bob Morton has got it as well.

ricky: No, he’s got arthritis.

karl: Oh, has he?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You told me during the week that you’d mastered, uh, moonwalking.

karl: Yep. Yeah, I can do that--.

steve: Is that one of the things you did, like, in the middle of the night?

ricky: It-it’s-it’s moon sleep walking.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: He just gets out. He finds himself walking backwards and wakes up. And goes, “Oh, God, I’m brilliant! I‘m brilliant at this!”

karl: Right. So. Listen, what we’re doing, though? Are we doing, uh, we getting a debate going about- actually, right?

ricky: Go on. We’re struggling, go on.

karl: No, no.

ricky: You can help me out here, Karl. You’ve got an idea. I can see it in your eyes! He’s got a brilliant idea. I’m waiting for it. Go on!

karl: No, no. It’s something- when I was looking on the web--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Found something out.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Um…it’s a story ‘bout a woman…who had a baby…who had a baby.

steve: What are you talking about?

ricky: Ahhh! What?

karl: A-a-a woman--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Who had a baby who was having a baby.

steve: It was, it was no clearer when you repeated it.

ricky: No! Karl! I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do for the common good, right? Pursue this line of inquiry, right, cause I don’t know where it’s going or play a record. I-I’m actually torn. I don’t know what to do.

karl: No, I remember seeing it and thinking, “I’ve got to tell Ricky about that. It‘s brilliant.”

steve: Wha-uh--

ricky: What should we do? Should we, should we go with it? It’s a- I mean, it’s like entering into the abyss. It’s opening Pandora’s box. It’s peeking behind- it’s going down to the cellar.

steve: I’ve got a couple of questions, though.

ricky: Go on, then.

steve: Well, come down there with me.

ricky: Okay, right--

steve: Come down the cellar with me.

ricky: Okay, right. Karl. What-what-what- first of all, it was on the web. Wha-what’d you mean? Th-the baby was what? Had another- was it- she didn’t give birth- they didn’t- the doctor didn’t just find one of those set of Chinese dolls up her? Russians dolls, whatever they’re called.

karl: That’s-that’s what I pictured it like, those-those dolls where you take the head off and there’s another one in there. They all look the same, but no. The story was there’s a woman…who’s--

ricky: No, don’t just say it again. That’s a headline. That’s not a story. “There was a woman who had a baby who ‘ad a beby--”

ricky: That’s not a story. Imagine handing that in as a, as a thesis to loads of- the BMA. “Alright? There ya go. Read that.”

steve: That’s a, that’s a children’s rhyme.

ricky: Yeah. There was a woman who had a baby who had a baby. What do you mean? So the ba- she had a baby.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Right? Yeah.

karl: And, uh--

steve: That bit’s fine.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We’re okay with that.

ricky: That’s normal. That’s normal.

steve: A woman had a child.

ricky: Yeah, totally normal.

steve: She gave birth, fine.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Next.

karl: Well, I-I-I don’t know that much more.

steve: Of course you don’t.

karl: Apart from the fact that the baby’s, like, roaming about.

karl: And, uh, twelfth, like, twelve months later she’s like, “Ohh.”

ricky: Interesting. So the gestation period of the- that baby was actually three months more than an adult.

karl: Yep.

ricky: Excellent!

karl: Weird, though, innit?

ricky: So was the headline, “My baby’s twelve months pregnant”?

ricky: What are you talking about, twelve months later it had a- what are you talking about?

karl: Forget it--

ricky: No, you haven‘t, you haven’t even finished the story! You said, “And twelve months later-” You didn’t even finish the sentence! So what do you mean?

karl: No, they didn’t- I didn’t read any more into because I just saw that and thought--

ricky: You didn’t read- what?

karl: “That’s weird” and then I just was thinking, “Ohh.“ Like, imagine the kid at school, at parent’s evening.

steve: Go on.

karl: And it’s like, “Well, your kid’s pretty good. Now-now let’s have a look at your work” sort of thing.

karl: Don’t you think that’d be weird?

ricky: But what!? Did the child have a baby?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Of course it didn’t! Play a record!

steve: We shouldn’t have gone down in the cellar. We should have just left the cellar door closed. I never learn!

steve: That’s The Zombies and a song called, “Time of the Season.” I’ve enjoyed that.

ricky: What do you think of zombies, Karl?

karl: It’s alright, yeah?

ricky: No, not the, not the group , but the- urgggh. The-the living dead.

karl: Don’t worry about ‘em.

ricky: No? Why?

karl: Not about, are they? Wouldn’t happen.

ricky: You don’t believe in that?

karl: Listen. Listen, right?

ricky: You don’t believe in zombies?

karl: So--

steve: But you do believe a baby had a baby.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: On you go, on you go.

karl: Are you still saying that didn’t happen?

steve: Yes.

karl: Right. Well, I’ll find the thing again and I’ll print it off and then you’ll read it--

steve: Well, all I’m saying is there’s more information that we need.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But-but it always annoys me that when I do get the information, you’ll go, “Yeah, but it’s name’s Sally. You didn’t say that.” I make out--

ricky: No.

karl: As if--

ricky: No, no, no, no. Don’t make out- don’t make it look like w-we’re over-inquisitive or over-cynical. You come out with the-the most abominable things man has ever uttered.

ricky: And you expect us to accept them. Usually headlines. Usually illogical, not just probably wrong. So fleas are born pregnant.

karl: Are they?

steve: Interesting.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Alright.

ricky: See?

steve: On we go.

karl: So--

ricky: See, that’s true and you’re not impressed! Cause it doesn’t involve a little werewolf child. Or half man, half shark. You’re just not- it’s just not good enough for ya.

karl: No, but what I-I- if I read the first line of something and it’s not-not that interesting, I go, “Next,” right, and I move on.

karl: Now when I saw “A woman had a baby and it had a baby,” I go, “Ooh--”

steve: But you still didn’t read on!

karl: No, but- alright. I didn’t read on, but it got me thinking. Like I said, it’s- you wonder about the parent’s evening. I was thinking about, you know, is it a good thing?

karl: Because you’re going to spend more time with the kid. Do you know what I mean? There’s a lot of mums that have to go to work an’ that. She’s gonna be a great mam. Grew up with her. Literally!

steve: Yeah.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

ricky: “She’s gonna be a great mum!”

karl: I-I just wonder if- I know it sounds weird, but--

ricky: Was it, was it, was it that the-the- you know the baby the woman had, was it a girl or a boy?

karl: Right, would’ve been a girl, wouldn’t it?

ricky: Course it would! It’d be mental, wouldn’t it, if it wasn’t.

karl: Right?

ricky: Would’ve been a weird story, wouldn’t it?

karl: So anyway. That reminded me because we were talking about other amazing stuff that Ricky told me to find out about. Steve, are you aware of bonobos?

steve: We mentioned them earlier. I’m not particularly familiar with bonobos. It sounds like a cream cake.

ricky: No, they’re a, they’re a, um, a-a sort of chimpanzee, but more advanced than, uh, the traditional chimpanzee. They live, uh-uh, in one, sort of, particular area and, um, you know, it’s the, sort of, closest animal to the missing link. They’re-they’re intelligent, they take on a lot of social aspects of, um, human- They have sex for, um, pleasure and no other--

karl: Steve’s looking annoyed.

ricky: He’s done ya! Um, so, uh, yeah. What did you find out about ‘em?

karl: Apparently, I found out, it’s ninety-eight percent not human kinda thing. It’s nearly human, but it’s not.

ricky: We share ninety-eight percent of DNA with it.

karl: Yeah, yeah. Ninety-eight percent.

steve: It’s a higher percentage than you.

karl: They have sex for pleasure.

ricky: They do look a bit like him, though. They’ve got a little round head, haven’t they?

karl: But, um--

ricky: And they, sort of- they’re much more upright than the, you know- got a more flexible--

karl: I, sort of, get bored with animals that are, like, classed as being intelligent, right?

karl: So when you told me--

ricky: “I get bored with them cause they’re not doing enough and not playing Nintendo.”

karl: No, do you know, like, that people always rave on about dolphins.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Like, “Aw, they’re really bright an’ that.”

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You know, um. I was having an argument with Suzanne about it and she goes, “Oh, yeah, dolphins are really intelligent” and I said, “But what? What’ve they done?” So she said--

ricky: (chuckling) “What have they done!?”

karl: “Well, they use ‘em in wars. They strap bombs to the back to go out to boats--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: “--so they blow up the boats!”

ricky: Hmm.

ricky and steve: Yeah.

ricky: They’re trained, yeah.

karl: Well, it isn’t that bright. If it was really bright, it’d go, “Oh, I’m not doing that.”

ricky: Well, no, they leave them. They don’t blow themselves up. They anch- anyway. But--

karl: Alright, well. So anyway. So bonobos. Um, really bright an’ that.

ricky: Mm.

karl: Now, I was looking at ‘em. And they are, you know, they-they’re saying they-they, you know, they’re just like humans, basically, right? Well, what I was thinking is- I didn’t have a chance to ask ya, um, if you got a mentalist…

steve: Right.

karl: And put the bonobo--

ricky: Okay, right, okay. What do you mean, “a mentalist?” What do you mean?

karl: Well, you know, someone who’s, you know, a little, just a little bit slower than me. And put an- put ‘em in an exam… what would happen?

ricky: Right, okay. You’ve got to be clearer here, Karl. Wha-what are you saying? Are you saying pit the wits of a bonobo against--

steve: Someone who’s educationally subnormal.

karl: Yeah! What do ya reckon?

ricky: I-I--

ricky: I don’t know where to start!

karl: No, but if they’re that good, why aren’t they being used in labour and stuff? Do you know what I mean?

steve: What, in- what in the la- what do you mean? In the government?

karl: No, like, you know, like--

karl: Some-some jobs that they could do. Why hasn’t someone caught onto it and thought, “Well, hang on a minute.”

steve: Sorry. I-I’m not familiar with the bonobo. Seriously, could it do a job of work? How-how advanced are these creatures?

ricky: Well, lots of animals do job of work. I-I think Karl wants this bonobo to start going to work at, uh, with an umbrella and a bowler hat and have, sort of, like, rudimentary language skills like, “Morning.”

ricky: “Morning Sheil-ahaha.”

steve: So I couldn’t employ the bonobo to be my PA?

ricky: Um--

steve: It’s not, I mean, how advanced are they? Could-could I--

ricky: No!

steve: Could I teach it to go down the shops and collect something and bring it in?

ricky: Well, yeah, but you can teach a dog to do that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It depends on what you mean by intelligence, social interaction a-also dexterity capability, you know.

steve: Could it produce this show?

ricky: (laughing) Yes! I’d have thought it could. Randomly.

steve: Yeah. Just by pressing the buttons, it could do a better job.

ricky: It’s-it depends on what you’re asking, Karl. What I mean- what you mean is it can- could a chimp beat a thick human at an intelligence test?

karl: Yeah. That’s what I’m saying.

ricky: But it depends on what the problem with the-the human is, doesn’t it? Alright. First of all, mental illness has nothing to do with intelligence. Let’s get that straight. That’s one thing. Mental people aren’t necessarily less, er, intelligent than people.

steve: Now is that the clinical term, a “mentalist?”

ricky: (laughing) A mentalist! Sometimes I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to start with where-where he’s going wrong with the question, to answer it, to try and find out what he really means cause--

karl: It’s just cause that if that did happen, right--

ricky: What? If what could happen!? You want the “Planet of the Apes,” don’t you?

karl: Here we go, here we go.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Alright? I go to school. I go to a new school.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I go in the class, there’s three bonobos sat on the back row.

ricky: Yeah!

karl: Right, I think it would make--

ricky: They’re the bad kids, are they?

karl: Everybody would work harder cause you’ll go, “Well, I don’t want a monkey beating me.”

karl: Whereas when I went to school--

steve: They’d be an incentive.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well, I- yeah. I think--

ricky: They’d go in and they’d go- go on. What do you mean?

karl: No, I would have loved it. Cause, I mean, one of the reasons I didn’t like school is it’s like, “Oh, I’m not bothered. You know, I‘m not bothering going in today.” I’d love it if-if I went in and someone said, “Right, you’re going to start coming again.” “Why’s that?” “Got three bonobos in your class.”

ricky: What if they didn’t hang out together like the two little, um, kids with the webbed hands and the big heads?

karl: They can do what they want.

steve: What if they started bullying you? Stealing your pocket money?

karl: I wouldn’t go in.

steve: Maybe copying you. Maybe making you do their homework.

ricky: Yeah! They’d do fine and you--

steve: To be honest, it’d probably be the other way around. And he’d score better.

ricky: Yeah! “Karl, have you been copying?”

steve: “Have you been copying the bonobos again?”

ricky: “Have you been coping Boo Boo again?”

karl: Be good though, wouldn’t it?

ricky: It-I- Well. It’d be great. I love- I wish I could live in your mind for just a day. It must be great when you walk around and see things.

karl: We were talking before, right, about, um, at school. I can’t remember why it came up, the frog thing.

karl: But they-they did a- oh, I’ll tell ya what it was. It’s the march that’s on today, right? And, um, I, you know- if people want to do that, it's fair enough, but I-I-I don’t like going out in big crowds an’ what have ya.

steve: Sure.

ricky: He said, he said, “There’s too many people to get anything done.”

ricky: Alright? He said, “I wouldn’t do anything with more than five people.”

ricky: I said--

karl: Do you know what I mean, Steve? If you have a night out, if there’s more than five of you, you can’t talk to everyone. Uh, who’s in charge of the night? It makes it hard work if you want to nip into a restaurant cause you’ve got to get, like, a table for six.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So if you’re on that march today and you want a coffee--

steve: You’ve got to get a table for twenty thousand.

ricky: “Table seven for one million protesters!”

karl: No, but do you know what I mean? If they’re--

steve: Trying to work out the bill afterwards.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

steve: “Ooh, I’m going to have a dessert.”

karl: If there wasn’t--

ricky: “Let’s just split it a million ways!”

steve: (laughing) Yeah.

ricky: “Should we just split it a million ways?”

steve: “I need to pay with Switch!”

ricky: “I didn’t have a starter.”

steve: “Can I pay on Switch?”

ricky: Before you know, war breaks out.

karl: Forget it.

ricky: They’re fighting amongst themselves!

ricky: Doves, “There Goes the Fear.” We’ve got to crack on here. XFM 104.9. We’ve got to get in Rockbusters and a couple more tracks. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Karl, go for it. This is Rockbusters. The last ever Rockbusters.

karl: Alright, yeah. It’s a, uh, accents special one today. Um, I’ve done it before in the past using accents, so--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uh, three cryptic clues, initials. E-mail in. You can win, uh--

ricky: Do the e-mail address now so they can take it down and start going.

karl: Right. Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk, alright?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right. First one, uh, the northern lad remembers he had to tell his mam’s daughter something.

ricky: (quietly) God.

steve: Oh deary me.

karl: The northern lad remembers he had to tell his mam’s daughter something. That’s O. The initial O, there. Think of a band--

ricky: Yeah, I’ve got it already, yeah.

karl: The initial. Right?

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Okay, that’s easy. Go on, next.

karl: Um, second one; the person from Birmingham got a C in their degree. Alright? The person from Birmingham got a C in their degree. The-the initial there is T.

steve: You don’t get A, B or C with your degree.

karl: Well, let’s…And the final one; the Cockney fella isn’t happy. Everything’s going wrong. That’s D.H. The initials there, D.H. So very quickly, the northern lad remembers he had to tell his mam’s daughter something.

ricky: God, they’re not going to get the second one.

karl: O. Uh, second one; the person from Birmingham got a C in their degree. Initial T. And the last one; the Cockney fella isn’t happy. Everything’s going wrong. D.H. E-mail in. Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk and win some stuff.

ricky: Right.

steve: Is it important that they bear in mind the accents? Does the acc-will the accent help them--

karl: Course it will. Yeah, yeah.

steve: Ha! Well, course it will. Not necessarily, course.

karl: Yeah. So--

steve: Right.

karl: Do that and we can--

ricky: Right. Valentine Special. “Letter to Hermione,” one of the greatest love songs ever written. You’ve got a couple of minutes. Please e-mail in--

karl: Do you know, the thing is, we haven’t even done Monkey News.

ricky: Oh! God.

karl: Right? These nudists going about playing bowls, which we didn’t get ‘round to.

ricky: Are there?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: God.

karl: Um…

ricky: Why are they doing that? They got fed up with volleyball?

karl: I don’t know. It annoyed me when I read it. But we’ll leave that and maybe we can come back to that.

steve: What are they up to?

karl: Um, some-some nudists--

ricky: They’ve got to be careful when they’re smoking a pipe and bowling, if they’re nude.

karl: Do you know how, like, nudists annoy me?

steve: Mm.

karl: I saw it in the week that, um--

ricky: Sorry. What was the, what was the- sorry-sorry. What was the Monkey News? Quickly. There must be--

steve: No, no, no, no, no. We’ve got to save Monkey News. Let’s do that when we, uh, when we next--

ricky: Is it quick? Is it quick, going into the record?

karl: Uh, what, the Monkey News? Is it quick?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I-I can tell it to ya quick.

ricky: Quick then.

karl: Right.

steve: Jingle.

ricky: Ooh, Chimpanzee that! Go.

karl: Shambles.

steve: (shouting) Hurry up!

karl: There’s a monkey in India, right? On a, uh, railway station. Waiting for the train.

karl: No, don’t mess about cause I’ve got to through it quick. This monkey’s- monkey sat there. And, uh, this robber knicks somebody’s handbag or something. Goes running off down the platform, the police are chasing him. Monkey steps in. Trips the fella up, pins him down. Police come and arrest the fella.

ricky: He tripped over the monkey. Okay, play a record.

karl: He didn’t.

ricky: He tripped over the monkey.

karl: He didn’t.

steve: The monkey was waiting for a train?

ricky: He tripped over the monkey.

steve: The monkey was waiting for a train?

ricky: He tripped over the monkey.

steve: Did he check the timetable?

ricky: Okay. Leave it.

ricky: “Letter to Hermione” by David Bowie. Well, we’re all getting stressed here. We’re going to run out of time again. We-we haven’t had enough answers. We left it so late. We had so much rubbish to pack in.

karl: You did it on purpose.

ricky: What? What do you mean?

karl: You did it on purpose.

ricky: What, left- I love Rockbusters! I think it’s the highlight of the week.

karl: Hmm.

ricky: But again--

steve: I remember the early days of Rockbusters. We used to get reams of e-mails. Do you know how many we’ve had today?

ricky: Go on.

steve: Two.

karl: Yeah, because we’ve just done it in the last link and people have to think about it and do research and--

ricky: They have to guess because it-it--

karl: Oh. I don’t think XFM Family Fortunes is gonna be a success.

ricky: Don’t knock XFamily Fortunes, Karl!

steve: (laughing) It ran on ITV for years!

karl: Right, well--

ricky: Yeah. So is anyone gotten any right, Karl? Can we--

karl: Well, what we’ll have to do is--

ricky: This is why we haven’t got any prizes to give away anyway. Cause we gave ‘em away on XF--

karl: We have.

ricky: Have we?

karl: They’re coming through now. Let’s see. Just hang on a minute.

ricky: What- this isn’t radio! You can’t just sit here looking at a computer screen going, “Hold on, hold on.” This isn’t radio!

karl: Alright. Well, it’ll have to be the one who got the closest, right?

ricky: Okay. Wha- who got the closest? What are the answers?

steve: Give us ‘em again.

karl: Right.

karl: The northern lad remembers he had to tell his mate’s- his-his mam’s daughter something.

ricky: I’m so glad this is the last one ever. This is the last- I promise this is the last Rockbuster ever.

karl: The northern lad remembers he had to tell his mam’s daughter something. That was O.

ricky: Yeah, I know that.

karl: What was it?

ricky: Oasis.

karl: Oh, hey sis. Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah.

karl: So that was--

ricky: I like that one. That works. That works, though. Go on, what’s the next one? This is what- this one worries me. Go on.

karl: The person from Birmingham got a C in their degree.

ricky: No idea.

karl: That was T.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Toto. Two two.

ricky: A C as well! Just made it up. A C. Two two. I-I-I love it, I love- To-“Towtow.” Right, well.

steve: Toto! “Towtow.”

ricky: Well, no! Did anyone get that?

karl: A Toto. Yeah, yeah.

ricky: You are joking?

karl: I just saw it on an e-mail.

steve: Right, come on. What was the last one?

ricky: Right, okay.

karl: Um--

steve: Extraordinary.

karl: Last one, uh, the Cockney fella isn’t happy. Everything is going wrong. Going back in time a bit. The initials, D.H.

ricky: Going back in time a bit?

karl: Yeah, that- for the, for the song. It’s not a sort of--

ricky: Oh, right. I remember. Sorry, I didn’t hear that first time around.

karl: Uh, Cockney fella isn’t happy. Everything’s going wrong. The initials were D.H.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That was Down Hill. Dan Hill. Right? Dan Hill. Nobody got that one. That’s-that’s a tricky one, but Steve, do you want to pick someone who got a couple?

steve: Nah.

ricky: I mean, I imagine Dan Hill was on everyone’s lips.

ricky: I mean--

steve: I’m sorry. I think I know about music, but I don’t know who Dan Hill is.

karl: “Sometimes When We Touch.”

ricky: Yeah. “The honesty’s too much.”

steve: Doesn’t ring any bells for me.

ricky: An awful ballad from about 1973.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Right. No one woulda get Dan Hill. Did anyone get Dan Hill?

karl: Well, I don’t know! Steve, do you want to just--

steve: I’m not gonna check! I can’t be bothered. I’m just want to celebrate that it’s over! I’m just pleased that we’re finished with Rockbusters.

karl: I-I’m- I…

ricky: What?

karl: Right.

ricky: Did anyone get it?

karl: Hang on a minute.

karl: I’ve got to check.

steve: I want that one back! I want to hear that answer again!

ricky: What?

steve: Karl, leave the mouse alone and let me find that one. That is someone’s contempt for you. They’ve put Oasis, fair enough. Second one, Travis. They’ve just gone, “Third one, Oliver Hardy.”

steve: They don’t care!

steve: That’s how much contempt people have for you.

ricky: No, what’s the answer!? Wha- you didn't give the answer!

steve: N.E.R.D.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: “Provider.”

ricky: Ohh. I hope The Sonys weren’t listening to that. I’m not going to come in for a couple of weeks.

steve: That’s- I’m not going to be hear next week.

ricky: Okay. No, l-l-lets- no, leave it a couple of weeks.

steve: Yeah. I think we should just take a break. Everyone should just take a break, a breather.

ricky: Could do-do a special or a “Best Of“, Karl, cause this is- Well, I’ve got to go away, rethink this whole thing, cause I’m- I think it’s actually probably damaging our reputation.

steve: Definitely. Definitely.

ricky: What are you going to do next week? Are you going to come in? Karl?

karl: I’ll have to be here to play it out, won’ I?

ricky: Right, yeah, because we didn’t, we didn’t give the winners of the competition, we’ve- I mean. The- ah. See ya later.

steve: Yeah, I’m not going to be here.

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