XFM Vault - S02E27 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

steve: 104.9 Xfm. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington's pressing the buttons.

karl: Alright.

steve: We're playing some, some great moments from the last three weeks.

ricky: And some great records Steve, from the last two weeks.

steve: That's true enough. We're not actually here today.

steve: Uh, what are you up to today, Rick?

ricky: Uh, it's 8-hours earlier so um, this is about 2 o'clock, probably.

steve: Mhm.

ricky: So it's about 6 o'clock in the morning. I'm still in bed, mate. I'm asleep. In me- in me hotel room.

steve: Now, where are you?

ricky: We're in LA

steve: Los Angeles.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: City of Angels.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

steve: City of Angels

ricky: And so that's what we're doing, we're doing stuff like that. That's why we're not here. We're not here next week either. So, next week is the best of this week.

ricky: What?

ricky: Someone's left one of those little things in here. It's brilliant, innit?

steve: It's amazing. What are they called those things?

ricky: I just- I imagine- there- just then I was thinking of being in the front row at a Morrissey concert and going "Oi, just- could I just play along.

ricky: They are brilliant.

steve: I don't know what kind of sound that is.

ricky: I don't know. It's only used for when Kenneth Williams--

steve: Haha yeah exactly.

ricky: Sees someone undressing.

steve: Haha, yeah.

steve: Haha, yeah.

ricky: That's the only time that is used that noise.

steve: Haha, exactly

ricky: That is brilliant.

steve: But, it's like it was specially created for the Carry On films.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. We need, I don't know what it is, but we need something when I walk in and see someone changing, well, what about this?

ricky: There Is a Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths. Um, I phoned Karl up in the week. Yeah. And I said, what you doing?

ricky: He went: "Well, even though it's one of my days off, I'm just doing some research on the web". I went: "You found anything?". And he said: "Yeah, I'm doing science." and then he said: "You can get wigs for dogs in Tokyo."

ricky: That's his scientific fact.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I went: "What do you mean- dogs if they need a wig?" I said "if they need a wig, what dogs going bald?" and he went like this is fine to him. He went: "It's a stressful City, Tokyo".

ricky: The world's all right, with Karl. He's always got an explanation.

ricky: I've only ever seen him confused once, when in Edinburgh, he looked out of his window one day and he saw a bloke putting a parking ticket on some rubbish.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And that genuinely confused him.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He couldn't work out- could ya?

karl: It's a bit weird, innit?

karl: But- but the thing--

ricky: And the ba- and the woman breastfeeding her eight-year-old child. You didn't like did ya?

karl: Nah, I don't like that. But ehm, the whatshername. Animals with wigs. I kind of thought. After I put the phone down to you, I kind of thought about it. I thought, yeah, it is a bit daft, that.

ricky: Are you sure it's not the ageing pop group, The Animals?

karl: But when you think, have you ever seen like a bald pet?

ricky: No?

karl: It's weird.

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Because me mam, uhm we had a cat- we used to get through loads of cats because we lived on a--

ricky: Oh god! He's started early today innit! It's ten past one!

steve: What do you mean you've got through a lot of cats?

steve: What were you doing? Running a restaurant?

ricky: Oh god ... what do you mean ?!?

karl: No, we lived on like a main road, right ...

ricky: Oh yeah ...

karl: So we used to get through a lot of them.

ricky: It was their risk.

karl: Me dad kept saying 'stop wasting money you know with, it's not good'.

ricky: Stop wasting money! Not wasting cats!

karl: Right, so, erm, anyway we had this cat that was ill all the time.

steve: Mmm ... he's just a bag of nerves probably!

ricky: Yeah! Malingerer! I'm terrified!

steve: I'm going to which house?!?

ricky: Oh god, bloody 'ell!

steve: Don't let me go to the Pilkington's!

karl: And for some reason it kept being sick all the time.

steve: That is nerves, that's definitely nerves.

karl: So me mam sort of kinda thought 'I've had enough of this' and she shaved it.

ricky: WOOOOOOOOOOAH, woah woah woah, now I know you're not vets in your family, but what correlation did your mum think there was between it being sick and shaving it?

karl: Because it kept being sick and it was a pain to wash 'cos it kept getting caught up ...

ricky: So she wanted a dry wipe cat.

ricky: Why didn't she just varnish it?

ricky: What? ... ah ...

karl: It's weird though ...

ricky: So now he's cold and sick!

karl: Well not all of it, she left sort of the back half but sort of from it's waist sort of to it's ...

ricky: I LOVE that! Shave it 'cos it's sick on itself! It's genius!

karl: It was just the weirdest looking thing, I mean, normally I like cats, I'm always like giving yours a stroke on the 'ead an' that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: As soon as she did that it was like 'ugggh'.

ricky: HA! Poor thing!

karl: Can't touch it.

ricky: So now it's sick, cold and hated.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I lo ... I ... Karl!

steve: It must've, I mean, the other cats must have been taking the mick out of it constantly. It was just making things worse. Did it get ... I'm hoping that it got run over and was put out of it's misery.

karl: Nah, I think, I think it got alright that one. Or is that the ... ? Yeah it did get run over.

karl: It did.

ricky: Oh god. Oh dear.

steve: How many cats did you say you got through?

karl: I'd say whilst I was living at home, I mean, it's still on the increase even though I'm not there. So whilst I was there ... probably five.

ricky: Oh god ...

steve: Wow. And were you upset each time? Or had you just got used to it?

karl: It's one of them things innit, like I've said before, when you first see something it's a bit of a shock, d'you know what I mean? It's like the elephant man or whatever.

steve: Yeah.

karl: First time you see him it's that sort of 'oooooh, look at that'.

ricky: D'you remember the first time you saw Steve?

ricky: No I'm not being funny, do you remember the first ...

karl: Yeah but I've said this before, it's always ... then you get used to how people look and ...

ricky: ... Steve's face ...

ricky: I'm gonna burst! I'm ... you're gonna have to play a record!

karl: No, but ...

ricky: Because ... you see Steve's face!

karl: No but I've got used to it.

steve: Shut up ... shut up.

ricky: Well, here we are again, Xfm. On a Saturday. Just gone one o'clock Steve. If I'm very much mistaken. But we're not here.

steve: No.

ricky: As such, we're away again. Gallivanting, around uh- um- We gotta do the special sort of best of again.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Which we did a few weeks ago so this is the best of the last 3 weeks.

ricky: Um, which I think is- I mean I think it's the best 3 weeks we've ever had. But I'd like it condensed into 2 hours.

steve: Yeah. Yeah, some great music as well in there?

ricky: Yeah, there'll be some great

ricky: Music. Uh- Uh- Interspersed. With- with fine chat. That you've already heard.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Except this bit, this bit's new. We've actually uh- out of the kindness of our heart we've come in um- we've come in last week.

steve: Yep. Yep.

ricky: And we've done a few clips just cos we felt a bit guilty about shooting off and leaving-

steve: I mean I- even now having heard this link I'm beginning to wonder if it was worth our time.

ricky: Yeah. Um- Well- Shall we play a classic link?

steve: Lets play- I'd love- What, from the last 3 weeks?

ricky: After this, this is 'Feeder'.

ricky: Right, if you've just tuned in. It's Xfm 104.9, you've got that bit right. 'Ricky Gervais Show', with me Stephen Merchant.

steve: Hello there.

ricky: Karl is actually in a little booth. We're not in the studio you see, we're- this is pre-recorded. We recorded this last week. Cos we're away. And it's sort of like the best-of. Best of the last 3 weeks since last time we were away when we put out the best-of.

steve: It's a long time since we've had any 'White Van Karl'. For those that don't remember this particular hot feature-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um, we

steve: Basically asks Karl some of the questions that are asked of a white van driver in 'The Sun'. They always have this on Saturday afternoons. Anyway, here's the first one. And they're not fascinating Karl but I'm just interested on your take really.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What do you make of Cilla Black quitting 'Blind Date' after her husband sent a message from beyond the grave. Are you familiar with this story?

karl: I didn't know that. What's- what's that?

steve: Yeah. She went to see a medium and supposedly her husband passed on information through the medium which was incredibly vague

steve: But, um, persuaded her to quit live on air.

karl: Well, so that is about time init. If even dead people are saying-

karl: Enough's enough. But I'll tell you what though. Talking about-

ricky: Genius.

karl: Talking about ghosts and that. D'ya know how I'm into em.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, how weird do you think this is? Right.

ricky: Well it's not true. Before you say it.

ricky: Play a record.

steve: No, come on. Go on.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Right, it's this woman. I don't even know if it's ghosts really, it's just a bit weird.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah. Sure.

karl: There's

karl: This woman-

ricky: Yep.

karl: And she's- Well she's not a woman, she's a kid.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Sure.

karl: She's walking down like a- a street in her area. It's a nice day and everything. Everything's normal. Um, she's walking down and a woman comes up cycling past. Right. The woman on the bike looks at the kid absolutely terrified.

steve: Right.

karl: Got a really scary face on her.

steve: Yeah.

karl: The kid's thinking why- why is she doing that?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right. So anyway she thinks nothing- nothing of it. Goes- you know I think she was playing in the park or whatever. Goes and has a nice day.

karl: About 15 years later-

steve: Oh right, yeah.

karl: She's... I dunno, I think she was going to work, right, on her bike.

steve: She was riding her own bike. Okay.

karl: Riding her own bike. Cycling down the road.

steve: Oh yeah.

karl: Looks at the kid... that's the thing that happened, like, fifteen/twenty years ago.

steve: Right.

karl: It's her on the bike looking at her as a kid.

steve: Right.

karl: What do ya-

steve: Not- not- not another child?

karl: Nope.

steve: Right.

karl: So it's her, she's seen herself.

ricky: Right, I'm- wh- Karl! Wh- wh-

ricky: I mean I don't know where to start!

steve: Firstly where's this information come from?

ricky: But I mean, wh-why do ever con- I mean, I don't know what part of that you think can be true. I d- I don't- I- I'm hones- I'm- well, I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. What are you talking about?

karl: Bit, bit weird though, innit?

steve: But it's not true.

ricky: It didn't happen, nothing happened like that.

karl: She said it did.

ricky: Who?! Who?

steve: Well then she's wrong!

ricky: She said she saw herself?

karl: She saw herself as a kid, didn't she.

steve: Did she carry on riding past?

ricky: And ah, and as an adult when she was a kid.

steve: Did she stop, and talk to herself? Or did she ride on by and think "That's a bit weird, there's me as an eight-year-old. I won't stop I'll be late for work."

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, "If I'm late again the boss said he'd be in trouble."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Oh.

karl: Well... well if, you know...

steve: And where is this information- was it- did it happen to someone you know?

karl: Nope.

steve: You overheard it on the bus.

karl: Nah, it was in, uhh, was in the Fortean Times.

steve: Ah right.

ricky: Okay. Good. Okay.

steve: Well that's the answer then; we've got to the bottom of that.

ricky: Right, good.

steve: Karl, let me ask you now. Umm, Karl you will be a little bit unnerved about this

steve: Have you seen the film Jurassic Park?

karl: Yeah.

steve: You know what happened there?

karl: Yep.

steve: Well, according to this one here, it says 'scientists are planning to clone mammoths for a theme park'. Look at his face! Look at that, he looks like a dog caught in the, the headlights of a car, he's terrified!

ricky: I love Karl. I love Karl.

steve: He's sprung to attention there!

ricky: I lo- that's- is that- is that the news you could have?

karl: Man-moths?

ricky: Right, Karl!

steve: Yeah, Man-moths! Man-moths...

ricky: I love the fact that that's why he was so excited, that "they've bred a man-moth!"

ricky: "What is- what was this? Yeah, it's- it's a human being that- that hides in you wardrobe and eats an entire jacket in a day."

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: What do you mean 'Man-moths'?! Mammoths! Mammoth, The big hairy cow, from the Ice Age!

steve: Have you heard of a mammoth?

karl: Right...

ricky: I mean, elephant.

steve: You're not so excited about that then?

karl: Yeh.

steve: You can take or leave bringing back mammoths to life, but a 'man-moth'?!

ricky: A man-moth is a different matter. Ohhhhh.

ricky: If we'd ha- if we'd have never brought that up, he'd have gone and told someone now.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "You know they've bred an 'alf man 'alf moth."

steve: This is what we mean!

ricky: And that's ho- that's how things start! You d-

steve: This is what we mean when you read these ghost stories.

ricky: You do- Are you slightly deaf? Is that it? When you hear these stories, is it, I-

steve: Is, Karl uh Karl, is English your first language?

steve: Are you actually foreign? Is that the thing?

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Do- should we speak slower?

ricky: But wh-wh-when we say foreign, we- we mean not of this planet.

steve: Yeah. Should we speak slower, would that be a help to you?

karl: No I, g- d- go on. Next one.

steve: What do you make of that then, seriously...

ricky: Do you think that's good? D'you think that's good, too bring back mammoths.

steve: ...pre-historic animals.

ricky: These giant elephants.

karl: They- they're slow, aren't they? It's not as if they're gonna, like, get and run fast

karl: Can't capture 'em.

ricky: There probably would be a fence, to be honest, Karl. There would probably be a fence.

karl: No but i'm say-- but there-- but you're asking it as if like "oh it could all go wrong", but it couldn't, could it?

steve: Well, but the point was about Jurassic Park. Is they thought it wouldn't go wrong, they thought they had it all under control.

ricky: Have you learned nothing from Jurassic Park, Karl?

karl: Dinosaurs i'd say oof, think about it before you do it.

karl: But with a, with a hairy elephant, it's not going to--

steve: It's not a concern for you? Would you go along to see 'em? Would you be interesting in that?

karl: If I was in the area.

ricky: He's the best. He's great, isn't he? I'd love, I'd love a queue, right?

steve: Nothing impresses him.

ricky: No, but what I'd like to do is Karl, sitting like Yoda in a little cave and I'd just like to see people like Tony Blair and you know, Stephen Hawking in a queue and they're going to say "Karl got bit of a problem uhm"

steve: Thinking of cloning a man and a moth--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Problem?, uh not an issue. Not if I'm in the area, I might cruise around and have a look at it, otherwise just don't send it near my clothes.

ricky: Oh, that's fantastic.

steve: So it's just for a second. As the words "man-moth" came into your head, how excited were you?

steve: I mean, were you both terrified and excited? Just for the moment when you thought they'd cloned a man and a moth

karl: I pictured, uhm--

steve: What kind of face did he have? Did he have the moths head, or was it a man's head?

karl: Just a little head, a little man 'ed.

steve: Right, what was his face? What did it look like?

karl: Just, it just was like a bit, a bit like, a bit shocked.

steve: A bit perplexed, yeah.

ricky: (Whilst laughing) "A bit shocked"

steve: Like so it was like, he'd been he'd been, he'd been grafted onto the body of a moth without his consent?

ricky: An' when he was asleep.

steve: Yeah, he'd woken up.

ricky: He just, he just went in for a-- to have a goitre removed and they said "we've replaced your goitre the body of a giant moth."

steve: Yeah.

karl: And just--

ricky: "Is that alright, Mr. Jenkins?"

steve: And he had the head of a little-- was it a little boy or a man?

karl: Little man.

steve: Right? Okay.

karl: And he's just bumping into a lamp.

steve: Just bumping into a lamp?

ricky: If you-- Karl, if you went into hospital and they done something or what's the worst thing they could do, right? What would you rather have done to you, right? You wake up and you've got lobster claws for hands.

karl: Alright.

ricky: You wake up and you've got ducks feet or you wake up and you've got one horn coming out of your head.

karl: The worst thing?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Probably the uh, the horn coming out of me head.

ricky: Why?

karl: It'd get in the way.

ricky: That would be useful wouldn't it? In fights and stuff and uh, for like, parties for people to make like (indescernible)

steve: Well I suppose the lobster claws would also be quite handy there.

steve: That's a wonderful, wonderful clip and uh, a great record that preceded or followed it, I'm not sure.

steve: But, uh--

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: Could I make some dedications, Rick?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Cause I uh, last week, uh just before we had to come in to record this. Popped out, trying to get onto the tube and I had a nightmare because there were loads-- millions of protesters.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So-called protesters. Now a lot of them obviously doing good work. There was one fella, I think you'd have appreciated it because I know you are very politically active.

ricky: Oh.

steve: And I think this guy has really studied hard and he's realised the best way to make his voice heard on the international political stage is to ride around on a tricycle wearing a

steve: A jesters hat.

ricky: (chuckling) Ohh!

steve: He was really shaking up the bloody government.

ricky: I wouldn't wanna be George W. Bush about now!

steve: (laughing) Not indeed!

ricky: Once he sees that I im-

steve: Once he sees that guy...

ricky: Imagines his aides rushing in going, (American accent) "Ah, ah George W. um, look at this guy." "Where's that?" "That's in London, England." "Okay, call off the forces."

steve: (American accent) "Is that a large tricycle?"

ricky: (laughing) Yeah!

steve: (American accent) "Is he wearing a nappy?"

ricky: (American accent) "Get me Co-lin Powell." "Why d'you call him 'Co-lin' and not Colin?" (English accent) "It- it's the way he likes it. Don't **** about, just call off the troops, there's a **** in a

ricky: Jester's hat, ******* call the troops off!"

steve: Just bleep some of those bits?

ricky: Ricky laughs

ricky: XFM 104.9, of a Saturday. Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

steve: Hello there.

ricky: But we're not here. No, we're away, um, so this is the Best Of and, uh, I hope you're enjoying it. Um, we certainly are.

steve: Um, I had some exciting news this week, Karl. You'll be pleased...

karl: Go on.

steve: ...to find out. Um, I d- I- I- I'm worried that you might get a bit a little bit jealous cause it's obviously gonna impact on your world quite strongly. 'Cause I know you think-

steve: You like things to quite the- quite sa- you know, same-y, you like the status quo to be maintained. You like the fact that in the past, you know, we've had some cross words, you know, because you f- I remember, what did you think of me when I first walked in? When I first came in on the first day of XFM?

karl: Ye- Yeah but I don't know why you're making a big deal out of it...

steve: D'you wanna bring it- do you wanna mention it?

karl: ... cause, I- I'm just being honest though. I'm just being honest.

steve: Well!

karl: I bet a lot of people who see you for the first time sort of go, "Well he's a bit weird."

steve: Woahhhh! Woahhh, woahh woah.

ricky: I love the fact, Steve, that you brought it up! And then you're- again, y-

steve: But I'm sure that wasn't what he said before!

ricky: No he di-

steve: Did he say before I-

ricky: Yeah, we- well I-

steve: "He's a bit weird"?

ricky: Yeah well I-

ricky: He looked at ya, and uh, I knew, I could see by the look on his face. You know when, uh, when you know your- your kid, and your kid's sort of scared of summat, and they go, "Why does you ki-", and he goes, "Oh, he doesn't like pigeons or spiders."

steve: Right.

ricky: It was like that. When I saw Karl, and I- I brought you in and I went, "What d'you think of that, Karl?" I could see the look on his face that he di- he was disturbed.

steve: Sure.

ricky: And then, as he said, you get used to it, don't ya?

karl: Yeah, you get used to it, and y- you have changed a little bit, your hair's a bit smarter now and you got some nicer glasses and that, I think.

karl: Or I might have just got used to it.

ricky: Well! Don't

ricky: Bring it up, Steve!

steve: Well-

ricky: Don't look at me like that!

steve: So you say that you think some other people in the office thought the same? D'you know that for sure...

ricky: Karl.

steve: ...did you discuss it?

ricky: Karl.

karl: Yeah, I think- I think they do, yeah.

ricky: Okay leave it there then.

karl: But not just in the office, w- as you walk through the building.

steve: I'm stunned.

ricky: It's w- it's worse than you ever thought!

steve: I'm stunned- well no, it's not worse than I ever thought because as you well know, Ricky Gervais...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...uh, what did I do on, uhhh, Thursday morning?

ricky: Oh is this the thing, uh...

steve: For those, uh, that perhaps are- are not of the female persuasion listening, there's a magazine, apparently it sells quite

steve: Well, it's one of the, sort of, female, you know kind of uh, issues magazines, I think it's called 'Company' magazine. You know, it's like your sort of, I guess it's a bit like your Moor or your Vanity Fair or whatever.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Anyway, they run every year, the '50 most eligible bachelors in Great Britain' section. Ding dong, hello! Who's in there this year? In the fi- in the fifty? In the top fifty of the entire country?

ricky: And then they vote, they vote and they put 'em in order and see who- who's the most eligible bachelor, innit.

steve: But that's of- that's 50 people, right? Most- I'm in the- I... it always annoys me slightly because

steve: Bachelor, it- it kind of seems like a more sophisticated word for loser.

ricky: Yeah, no...

steve: Doesn't it, which always sort of unnerves me slightly.

ricky: And also, they try and do a different fifty every year, so they're getting pretty desperate to get different ones.

steve: No, no, no, no-

ricky: You know, there's not many-

steve: No, no.

ricky: Because also a lot of people, who are sort of like successful, you know, are married so there's very little to-

steve: No, no, no.

ricky: Go on though.

steve: No, there's a huge - I don't know if this is international, it could even be international. I'm not sure actually-

ricky: Sure, sure.

steve: So I could be up there with the likes of Justin Timberlake...

ricky: Sure.

steve: Et cetera, so - Fred Durst...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That sort of person, you know. So anyway- this is what's exciting, right, although I'm slightly frustrated because, they were telling me that last year... all right? They get- 'cause what happens is the readers of the magazine, they vote for who they think is number one, most eligible bachelor, right? Last year, the prize was a two-week trip in the Bahamas. Okay. This year, I'm rather annoyed, because all I'm going to win is a moped.

ricky: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

steve: That's the prize this year, that's the prize this year, a moped.

ricky: Whoa, whoa, backtrack, sorry? Last year was a two-week trip to Bahamas. And this year what?

steve: Just a moped, all I'm gonna get is a moped.

ricky: All you're gonna win is a moped?

steve: Yeah. I'm so-

ricky: You're not gon- you've got no chance. You've got no cha- who else is in it?

steve: Well, I mean, I don't know, lots and lots of people you never heard of, there was, I know Duncan from Blue was in this-

ricky: Ding, so you're second to him at least-

steve: No.

ricky: -already. I imagine you're- you're going to come behind the other 49.

steve: No no no no no.

ricky: So uh...

steve: No no no.

ricky: But- but- but- you know...

steve: Because there are people voting for me. They get to vote for me.

ricky: Yeah, Steve-

steve: They see my photo and they can vote for me.

ricky: Yeah, according to Heat, I was twenty-second most sexy man in the world.

steve: I better take that helmet back.

ricky: I would.

ricky: AC/DC.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: You Shook Me All Night Long, on XFM 104.9. Well, this show is a-rocking.

steve: It is, it is.

ricky: Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: Quick, um, query for you. This is from Jay, he's got a problem here. He says, my parents won't let me ditch my studies. He's currently reading modern languages at London University.

ricky: Sure.

steve: He wants to follow his dream - but his parents won't let him - of being a dancer. Karl. Worse than that, he says that they are trying to arrange a marriage to a bunch of minging daughters of people they know from good families. He doesn't know what to do, so he's got the arranged marriage coming along, and he's also got - you know, he basically wants to, you know, wants to be a dancer. His parents are forcing him into something more practical.

karl: Well the first thing, right? I don't think the-

steve: Live your dreams?

karl: -the arranged marriage thing is such a bad idea.

steve: Okay.

karl: Because I think too many people go on looks.

steve: Right.

karl: And then you soon, get bored of that. And you find out the person who you're knocking about with; is actually not your type.

steve: Right.

ricky: Why don't you arrange marriages for people?

karl: Well, I'm just saying right, so I'd say, Jay, go along with that. I wouldn't worry about it.

steve: Okay.

karl: I mean if they're really ugly, then, you know, don't go along with it, but if they're half bad-

steve: Yeah.

karl: Put up with it. That's alright-

steve: Sure.

karl: The dancing...

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: That's that solved!

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: I wanted to be a dancer.

karl: After I did the boxing, right, I joined- joined the dancing thing just near Man. United's ground, right? Called Twiggy's. Ummm...

karl: I went along, I wanted to learn some moves.

steve: How old were you?

karl: Well, it was when Michael Jackson was like,

karl: Pretty big so, about eighty...

ricky: Five?

karl: '83, '84, '85?

ricky: Ah ri-

karl: Summat like that? Round there? Umm, wanted to do it, umm, when I went it was shut and had- it had become like a warehouse for, uh, toilet rolls.

karl: So in a way I wonder what would have happened-

ricky: Sorry, sorry! How is that an anecdote about you going through dancing?

karl: Well I-

ricky: You've told me before, you w- you did boxing for a while and you did dancing for a while. You had two fight in the boxing, you didn't even get in the pla- that's not an a-

ricky: Ya-!

karl: Yeah but-

ricky: Imagine if that was a film! "This is about as- um, a boy's dream of becoming a dancer, (whistles), 'Oh it's shut!' Next on..." I mean, y-! How is that a story?!

steve: Yeah, if that was Billy Elliot, d'you think it would have won an-

steve: Would it have won quite as many awards?

ricky: Yeah, yeah! Brilliant. Footloose, alright?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "I'm fed up, they've banned it let's go in- oh it's shut."

ricky: "Do-do-do-do-doo."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Flashdance! "First, there was- (knocks) oh it's a warehouse. Nevermind!" Youuu-

karl: I'm- I'm just saying, you know, you'll find something else, I ca- I think I got a go-kart after that.

karl: I bought a

karl: Motorised go-kart and kept myself busy with that. So...

karl: There's alway-

karl: There's always other things.

ricky: Just think, Alan Bennett has to sit down and really sweat over his stories.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: He just opens his mouth.

steve: You are a living Alan Bennett character.

karl: So that's that sorted.

steve: So that's that solved! Well Jay, don't worry about that, there's, um, no emotional there- emotional problems I can foresee, uh, if you follow that advice.

ricky: So the advice there is, 'do an arranged marriage i-i-i-...

steve: If she's not half ugly.

ricky: ...if she's not mingin'.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: If she's not completely mingin'.

steve: Yep.

ricky: Uhh, and don't worry about dancing, get a go-kart, cheers.

steve: (laughs) Great!

ricky: XFM 104.9, we're not here. Um, this next clip is one of my favourite clips, u- look, it needs no introduction, here it is:

ricky: What should we do next, what should we do next?

steve: It's too much.

karl: Will we, uh, get 'Do we need 'em?' out the way?

ricky: Get 'Do we need 'em?' out the way.

karl: Yeah? Just, uhh, again-

steve: Let's e- let's explain it again.

karl: If you're new, umm, I'm sort of on a bit of a mission to find out...

karl: You know, we've got a lot of animals and insects in the world and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uhh, do we need 'em all?

steve: (laughs) It still amuses me!

karl: So we've found out we've gotta keep jellyfish. We've done octopus, she said we gotta keep them. This week: Snails.

steve: Do we need 'em?

karl: Just doing some research...

aquarist: Uh-huh.

karl: ...right? Umm, I'm sort of working me way through different creatures, and insects and stuff that's on the planet.

aquarist: Yeah.

karl: Right, umm, and finding out if we need 'em or not, right?

aquarist: Yeah.

karl: D'you know much about snails?

aquarist: What, um, sea snails?

karl: Well, yeah.

aquarist: Snails in general. Um, don't know much snail- land snails, know a bit about sea snails like whelks, top shells, that sort of thing.

karl: Would you say they're important?

aquarist: And what's the sense you mean by important?

karl: Say if we had to sort of get rid of some animals and insects and that because we're running out a room.

aquarist: *laughs* Right...

karl: Do you know what I mean? Because I'll tell you what I know about some snails, I don't know if this applies to sea snails as well. I mean, I called you today because a lot of other places are shut.

aquarist: Yeah.

karl: All right, so I know they like to eat stamps. Apparently, the glue on stamps, they loved it right. Apparently, a lot of letters and stuff aren't getting to where they're meant to be getting because

karl: Snails are crawling into letterboxes and eating the stamps. That obviously doesn't apply to the sea ones, but that's a problem they're causing...

aquarist: Oh, all right...

karl: Were you aware of that?.

aquarist: No.

karl: No? But you're glad you answered the phone today!

karl: Right. They love beer.

aquarist: Beer? Yeah, who doesn't?

karl: And also, I don't know if this is right, but I heard that they sleep for 13 years or can do...

aquarist: Right... I wouldn't know if they could sleep for 13 years or not... But, I mean...

aquarist: Sea snails are pretty important... Yeah, they do quite a good job in the sea, they graze on algae, and provide food for other animals. I mean, you could say that about any fish, or any animal, why do they exist?

karl: Would you be upset? If you know, someone said, "we're getting rid of them"?

aquarist: Oh yeah. Yeah.

karl: You would be?

aquarist: They're an animal, I wouldn't -

karl: Forget being like favoritism and all I get for them, right. There will be other things knocking around you can sort of spend your time looking after. You'll still have a job!

karl: Don't be worrying about that. Because I'm not going to be getting rid of all the fish. Jellyfish need looking after, so you're safe.

aquarist: Yeah.

karl: But do we need them?

karl: Come on, there are loads of people saying, "Come on, we've got to move on through the animals", and you're holding them up saying, "Well I wanna keep 'em".

aquarist: Well... who's saying we need to - that just sounds a bit crazy to me...

karl: Just imagine, do you know what I mean? And they would come to you, because you're working in an aquarium, so they'd be asking for your advice.

aquarist: Right.

karl: And you're slowing it down...

aquarist: Well they asked for my advice, and I'm giving it to them, so... you know? That's what I think anyway.

karl: Yeah... but snails? You know, I mean like I say, they drink beer and that, you know, what do they do apart from for some food for a welk.

aquarist: They were around - their descendants were around for a lot longer than we have been...

karl: Yeah, they've been around for a long time, but what have they done!?

aquarist: Well they survived that long, so they must be doing something pretty good...

karl: Well apparently they sleep for 13 years, so... really, even though they've been around for ages -

aquarist: Well... *flustered* I think that sounds a bit -

aquarist: I don't think they sleep for 13 years...

karl: Not - I mean, not all of 'em. Just the tired ones. So... snails... do we need 'em?

aquarist: Well yeah, I just think they've gotta - it's not for us to say whether we need them or not... We can't -

karl: So you think we should keep them?

aquarist: Yeah, definitely

ricky: Karl... Karl, I'm proud of you.

steve: He was getting really quite annoyed!

ricky: I know! What did he think he was doing?? What - *laughing*

ricky: I don't know what you tell these people. I mean- you don't get their permission, to play this out, do you?

karl: The thing is- right- yeah, I sort of told him what it was about but we won't say who he is or where he works because it doesn't matter. I just needed to speak to someone who knows.

ricky: I love the fact that you were trying to get an answer out of him by suggesting that he would be safe because he can look after jellyfish, if he gave the okay to destroy snails!

steve: (Laughing) He was getting livid, you can tell.

ricky: Oh God, brilliant. So they've been around a long time but what have they done? Well..

karl: Right last week when I did "Do we need 'em?" Erm... D'you know when I called up erm... one of the Museums didn't I? Science museum.

ricky: Yeah, you talking to me?

karl: Yeah. I'm just saying I wanted to tell you before when the song was on but you were so busy listening to it...

ricky: Ye- Oh! Oh! Oh! Was I?! So busy listening to a song I was playing?!

karl: Yeah, but we're doing a radio show aren't we?

steve: All right, what's your point?

karl: I just wanted to say she emailed into to say I got her name wrong so I'm just apologizing for that.

ricky: What did you just call her?

karl: I think I called her Jessica.

ricky: What was her name?

karl: I don't know, I've got it on email somewhere...

ricky: Well s-

steve: This is not an apology!

ricky: You've got it wrong again!

steve: You've not even said her real name, how is that an apology?

karl: Well I remember, I read the email, So I- yeah I-

ricky: Who are you apologizing to?

karl: I think her name's Jackie. I think.

ricky: Oh, you've got it wrong again haven't you.

karl: Well... Well anyway, she just said, if you, you know, if you want to see dinosaurs and that go to the museum.

ricky: You were complaining about that as well, weren't you? You went to a museum and there was too many dinosaurs,

ricky: You just said, he said you just need four.

karl: No, but Steve, have you been to the one at- in Knightsbridge?

steve: I think so.

karl: This is the one that I called up, right? It's nice. You go in, you get a good collection of stuff. You walk in, there's three or four dinosaurs. You've had enough. Alright? Go to- I went to New York, right? Went to the museum there. Hundreds of them. You can't move for dinosaurs. It's almost like- they're responsible for them being extinct. All I'm saying is, if you want to see a dinosaur, go to the

karl: One near Knightsbridge, they've got a nice selection, some old vases and stuff, it's worth going, so...

ricky: That was great Karl. Play a record. Well done.

karl: Bit of uh, bit of Amy Mann?

ricky: Aww, I'm obsessed with this song. Red Vines. It's... It's brilliant.

steve: XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais show with uh, Steve Merchant, hello there. And we're not here this week. We're off jetting around the world, so we pre-recorded these links and the time is currently somewhere between

steve: One and three o'clock.

ricky: So uh, a time check there from Steve Merchant.

steve: No problem.

ricky: Yeah. And uh... Oh, what- what about this weather? Um, Isn't it warm, stroke - edit that Karl - cold? Okay? Whichever one. Umm...

steve: I'm pleased to see that the congestion charge has... had some considerable effect. Had no effect.

ricky: So just... yeah. Wasn't that great on telly last night, the film?

steve: Yeah. I particularly enjoyed last night's EastEnders. Coronation Street. Brookside.

ricky: Okay?

steve: Yeah.

xfm station id: XFM

ricky: XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Tell us about this monkey Karl.

karl: You're going to love this one Steve, All right? Yeah. So last week we were talking about how- like- a lad left his family because there's

karl: There was problems at home, and that: he went and lived in the wood - he got hairy, right?

ricky: No.

steve: Leave it there Rick, we haven’t got time to go into it. So that's what happened.

karl: And that's what happened. He lived with the monkeys and he got hairy.

ricky: Ugh, no

steve: That’s what happened.

karl: Looked into some other stuff about, like, hairy kids and all that -

steve: Yes, Yeah

ricky: Haha

karl: - came across this story about a bloke, ‘right, who worked in a zoo.

steve: Oh dear.

karl: Right. So uh -

steve: Troubles brewing.

karl: - loving his job an’ that, but it's quite a lonely sort a job because you don't see many people, you’re just dealing with animals all the time.

karl: So anyway, he gets a bit pally with a monkey because it's the closest thing to a human.

ricky: Well, an ape is…

karl: Yeah, but you can't really go that close to apes, ‘cause they’re dangerous.

ricky: Well, what do you mean, what type was it, do you mean it was a chimp?

steve: Just let him tell the story.

ricky: Was it a chimpanzee?

karl: I reckon it was a chimp. Yeah. Yeah. It was a chimp.

ricky: You don't even know. So that's an ape.

karl: Yeah. But it doesn't matter does it, it’s the story.

steve: So he gets pally with him.

karl: So he gets pally with him -

steve: What, do they go on holiday together?

karl: Well, no, I mean, it starts off -

steve: On the pull together.

karl: - starts off just checking each other out and, you know, probably sharing lunch and that together.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, anyway, this goes on for a while, he’s uh, you know, they're getting on well an’ that. And then after a while, right, the monkey starts sort of imitating him a bit more and sort of walking upright.

ricky: Oh, God.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Right. So he thinks, “Oh, that's a bit weird.” Anyway, so they get on really better and what have you. So he thinks it could, it could live at home, with me, this.

steve: Yeah

karl: ‘Cause we're getting on a storm.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So he takes him home and before you know it -

ricky: Is this the beginning of “Beneath the Planet of the Apes”? I think it is, I think you've seen this on video.

steve: I worried because he's already imitating him and their moving in together, I'm thinking it’s maybe a bit like “Single White Female”.

steve: Single White Zookeeper

ricky: Brilliant, go on.

karl: So anyway, so it's moving in and it's getting used to sort of the normal human life, he’s having a cup of tea in the morning. Steve: Yeah, PG Tips.

karl: Finishes the day off with a, with a -

ricky: Oh, dear

steve: Finishes the day off with what?

karl: With a, a little brandy.

ricky: He doesn’t have to move a piano at one point, does he?

steve: He finishes the day off with a little brandy?

karl: Yeah…

steve: What, he pours himself one - is he wearing a smoking jacket?

ricky: I’ll tell you what Karl, you’re a maniac mate.

karl: Listen, listen, No, this is why it attracted me, it's amazing, right? So he’s have his brandy and that, loving his life. Um, next thing, you know, is sort of um; I don't know if he loses it or it gets shaved but the top half of his body is hairless, right.

steve: Becomes hairless?

karl: Apart from his head, right? So he’s got a nice little -

ricky: So it's the opposite of the kid.

karl: Well, this is what I’m saying.

ricky: Yeah, that would happen.

steve: Hang on, so you don't it was shaved or it fell out?

ricky: You don’t even know. How did it say, “Then the hairless”, What, what?

karl: I'll bring it in for you, the story, and then you can see if I’ve gone wrong.

steve: Well any way keep going, keep going.

ricky: Well

karl: So anyway, so, so this is going on and he’s having a great life, then the Zookeeper starts getting a bit annoyed. because he's having a better life than the Zookeeper. The zookeepers in the zoo.

ricky: This is such rubbish.

steve: So the zookeepers still got to do a day's work, the monkeys at home, he's partying, he’s got his other chimp mates ‘round.

karl: Well, it get to the point where he says there's no point you coming in to the zoo because the whole reason of you being there is because you're being kept there.

steve: Right.

karl: And he didn't want to bring the memories back, so he said, “you stay at home”. So th-

ricky: You are you talking such b-

steve: Just let him finish!

ricky: God! I don't know if I can sit here -

ricky: I don't think I can sit here and listen to this drivel.

steve: Let me, i'm fascinated, it sounds extraordinary.

karl: It's nearly over anyway. So he's walking upright, he's having a tea in the morning, finishing the day off with brandy.

karl: Gets a bit out of hand, only tries on with the zookeeper's wife.

ricky: Steve, make him go away.

steve: How does he do that?

karl: Because he's around humans a lot he becomes a bit of a charmer.

steve: But what is it that he could do to seduce her? Pick fleas out of her?

karl: It didn't say.

ricky: He was built, he was built.

steve: Yeah.

karl: What about that?

ricky: What do you mean what about it Karl, it's obviously not true.

steve: I don't understand how-

ricky: I love how he becomes a charmer. He's got better taste in brandy.

steve: What was it that he was doing that seduced her?

karl: I don't know, maybe because he was at home more than the zookeeper was.

steve: But what would he be doing Karl? He's not going to be talking with her, they're not going to be playing Trivial Pursuit.

karl: Maybe she liked the silent type. It didn't go into that it just said that's when the trouble started.

ricky: Karl, play a record.

steve: Is that what Suzanne did when she brought you home?

ricky: Oasis and Songbird, it's a nice little ditty.

steve: It's alright, yeah.

ricky: On a Saturday. XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington. I think we should go straight into it Karl. I think we should uh, do the competition, the uh, there's Karl in the corner.

steve: It seems a little premature.

ricky: Do you reckon, do you think we should save it? We should tease it out of them.

steve: It's a big thing.

ricky: It's just that I've got absolutely nothing to say.

steve: Sure.

ricky: I haven't really-

steve: Like often I know you would have spoken to Karl in the week, this week for some reason I've been speaking to him.

ricky: Oh right.

steve: This week I spoke briefly to him about Michael Jackson and the documentary. Now, of course, I thought that was extraordinary and I asked Karl, and he didn't mention to me, the fact that Michael Jackson likes to climb up in trees, he didn't mention anything about his bizarre relationship with children. He didn't mention anything about his obsessive, billionaire spending sprees, he didn't mention anything about the mannequins he has in his thing or the fact that he drives around his-

steve: Seven hotel suites in Las Vegas, in a little, kind of old people scooter. The first, the only thing of note for Karl was he said to me, "did you notice how big his hands are?"

ricky: I tell you what, though. I did.

steve: What, how are you look- the mans got like a face that he's had reconstruc- well I can't say that its libellous.

ricky: No, no, he hasn't, he hasn't, he's had two nose jobs.

steve: He's got an oddball face and you're looking at his hands.

ricky: But I think it's because you look at him and he looks a bit like- there's a bit of androgyny there.

ricky: It's sort of like a, it is quite a petite sort of old lady's face in a way, but then you see these laborers hands come out, and it's always the way with a tranny innit, you know what I mean?

steve: You can accuse him of being a tranny.

ricky: No he's not, no, he's not.

ricky: I know, he's got...

steve: He's got enough issues, now you're accusing him of being a tranny?

ricky: I like him. I thought he came out of that brilliant. I thought it was really... I really felt sorry for him. And uh, no, I think he cleared up a few things as far as I'm concerned. I thought it was a fascinating piece of work. But I did like the shopping spree, that was great. Just going round just pointing.

steve: Extraordinary. Because he's got such bad taste.

ricky: I know, it was bad taste, wasn't it? It was like one of those bizarre shops, you know what I mean? There's... anything, just sort of a gift shop, but they're trying to make it look like Ming.

steve: But if he... yeah.

ricky: And it's sprayed gold.

steve: If he'd have been living in a trailer park, he'd have been ordering, you know, one of those porcelain dolls dressed like a Harley Davidson bike rider.

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: Or an Elvis commemorative plate. It was the kind of billionaire equivalent of that.

ricky: But the hands were a giveaway. It's the same as those sort of transvestites...

steve: What do you mean the hands were the giveaway... what? What was it about his hands, I didn't even see...

ricky: Well, no. You know when you get like a cab driver or somat, right? And he decides to turn transvestite at about 60 and he goes on Kilroy? Do you know what I mean? It's that - when he's got a twin set of pearls and he goes "I've never felt so comfortable." But his hands are still big, he's got a little wig, and he's got the lipstick on, and he's with his teenage kids who are going "Kill me."

steve: Do you think he's been having surgery on his hands to make them larger?

ricky: Bigger, yeah.

steve: Was that why he was wearing that glove?

ricky: Exactly, cos he... yeah but I think he wants to be a goalkeeper.

steve: Right.

ricky: And they said, "Well, you can't Michael. You've got to have big hands."

steve: It would help him climb the trees.

ricky: (laughing) It's... yeah, yeah. And he can play tennis now without a racket. So uh...

steve: So what did you make it of it Karl, were you intrigued?

karl: Um, the Michael Jackson thing? It's... you know, it was alright. But, um, like, that got a load of attention in the press but the Trisha program got nothing.

steve: Ha ha.

karl: Which, uh...

ricky: What was that?

karl: I know like... well, Steve called me up in the week, right? Uh, like ten o' clock in the morning. I was at work. And he goes, uh...

ricky: I should think so, at ten o' clock. I should think...

steve: Preparing this show.

ricky: Most people get to work about eight or nine.

karl: ... "You watching Trisha and that?" I said, "No, what is it?" He goes, "Oh, you'll be loving it." Right? Um...

ricky: Freaks? Was it... "help me, my mum's a freak"?

karl: Hmmm... Siamese twins, right?

ricky: Right.

karl: So I couldn't watch it, but he said, "Oh, it might be on again, because they repeat stuff on ITV2."

ricky: Right.

karl: So I had my dinner late, right? Instead of having it at like one o' clock like I normally do, I had it at like 2.30.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Sat in the office, put the telly on, ITV2. Um, these Siamese twins.

steve: Did it blow your mind?

karl: It was amazing. You know, we talk about a lot of things on the show quite a lot. The hairy kids crop up a lot.

ricky: I was waiting. It's been ten minutes and you haven't mentioned the hairy kid.

karl: Right? And, uh, last week we were talking about Siamese twins weren't we?

steve: Yeah.

karl: So it was weird that this program was on. But it was amazing. I mean what did you think?

steve: I think you can't refer to them as Siamese twins, I think they're known as conjoined twins.

karl: Why?

steve: I think 'Siamese' is maybe considered derogatory, or as an old... antiquated phrase.

ricky: Yeah, I think it's because the first famous ones were actually from Siam. And that doesn't exist anymore.

steve: So, 'conjoined', Karl. Get the phrase right.

karl: But you'd think that if that's happened to you, that wouldn't be that sort of offensive. The names that you must get called...

steve: Right. You think that's the least of your worries?

karl: 'Siamese twins'? I'd say, well that's... yeah, least of your worries.

steve: -by where they were connected.

ricky: Just live with it, you'd say, righ-

steve: Because they were connected, of course at the forehead.

ricky: Ooh... (emotional exhale)

steve: Sort of, which was quite- quite extraordinary.

ricky: Well I, there was one set of Siamese twins, one- one had a job, and the other one didn't.

steve: That's ludicrous!

ricky: Yeah, the other one, was unemployed, the other one had a job. She had to go to work - she had to get up at six o'clock on her day off!

steve: I'm supporting you - literally!

ricky: Yeah!

karl: Didn't they get done off to social for sort of-

steve: Yeah, cause the other one was signing on!

steve: That wasn't a question that Trisha asked. Annoyingly, because I know that much of the audience was thinking that!

karl: There was a few things that didn't crop up.

ricky: (laughing) Wha- what?

steve: What questions would you have asked of them? Because- what things, did you feel weren't mentioned?

karl: Umm...

ricky: I'd love to just watch Karl watching amazing things.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Do you know what I mean, it's like- like- early learning.

steve: Mouth slightly open, some slight saliva...

ricky: Yeah mouth open, a dribble, looking around to see if anyone else has seen it. You know- like when a cat sees a bird land on the balcony.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: It can't believe its luck.

karl: I'd probably say, how do you buy her like a birthday present?

steve: Surprise gift, yeah.

karl: Because everything's ruined.

steve: Sure.

karl: Right? Umm, I'd probably ask...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well did you not think it was interesting that one of them had a boyfriend?

karl: Well, that was a bit weird weren't it.

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: But, what was the other thing that I was thinking when I was watching it... I was thinking, if one got into crime, and was sent to prison-

steve: Right...

karl: What would happen. How would they handle that.

ricky: It's brilliant, it is brilliant. If a chimp could talk.

karl: And, what was the other one? The other thing was, what do they talk about? Because it's not as if you can say, oh, you'll never guess what I did today.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Well, if you've just tuned in, it's XFM 104.9, you've got that bit right. Ricky Gervais Show, with me- Stephen Merchant.

steve: Hello there.

ricky: Karl, is actually in a little booth, we're not in the studio you see, we're- this is pre-recorded, we recorded this last week, because we're away. And it's sort of, like, the best of - best of the last three weeks. Since last time we were away when we had the best of.

ricky: Me and karl went out, right? Um, and, with- me and Jane, Karl and Johnny, and Gigi, wasn't it?

karl: Gigi (mumbles)

steve: Is it important who went?

ricky: No.

steve: Okay.

ricky: But we were walking down the street, Karl was there though and he can back me up on this. Um, we had a curry. We're walking back. And- this little funny homeless fella, didn't he?

karl: Mmm.

ricky: He- oh, I gotta tell it before I go "didn't he?"

steve: Yes.

ricky: (laughing) He- uh- he came up to me, right? And he recognized- and he came up to me and he went, he went- "ooh", he said, "I've just nicked one of your DVDs from HMV!"

ricky: And he shook my hand. He was so happy with it, and I went, "Right. Excellent." He went, "All I did was I just swing the bag over the top, like that, when- when I'm going out-" and he had a bag full of DVDs, didn't he? And he was, he was so pleased to tell me that he'd stolen- isn't that great?

karl: He said- he said they're going like hotcakes.

ricky: (laughing) He said they're going like- course they are!

steve: Yeah, you're nicking em!

ricky: I know- we get paid for them though, don't we?

steve: So he- not the stolen ones.

ricky: Don't we?

steve: No! What do you mean? Did you sign them for him?

steve: I know you would, you idiot! What, so, um- he just nicked 5-

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: And you say he was homeless, was he?

ricky: Well, I- I'd- he'd...

ricky: Dunno, maybe.

karl: Nah.

steve: Surely, how would he have seen the show? He'd have just walked past Curry's one wa- one morning.

ricky: Dixon's.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, the telly on, yeah.

steve: Seen a trailer for it, thought "Mm, interesting".

ricky: I dunno if he was homeless, I don- I didn't go into his home life.

steve: Sure. You shook his hand though, and...

ricky: But he's...

steve: ... off he went.

ricky: ... he made Karl look smart, d'you know what I mean?

steve: Mm. Mm.

ricky: So uh...

karl: Yep.

ricky: How does he ff- sell them? Where does he sell them? Does he go up to people and go, "D'you want an Office DVD... they're not nicked...

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Four quid."

steve: Yeah exactly. "Are these stolen?" "Nuuuuu!"

ricky: "Nonononono,

ricky: They've still got the tags on 'em."

steve: Well it's like those people who, um, you'll- y- those cab drivers that you'll f- meet at sort of three in the morning, who've just got a car...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ... and just went out with a car.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And just ah, ah, "I'll pick people up and charge 'em."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I got in one once, I said to him, uhh, the guy just pulled up, I said, uh, he said, I was in like, uh, East London, I- going back to, uh, North London. I said, uh, "Yeah, going to, uh, Swiss Cottage." He went, "Sure, hop in!" We set off, he went, "D'you know the way?"

steve: I said, "Well not really, no, I th- I thought you'd know the way, you're a cabbie aren't you?" He went, "Nahhh, don't really know the way there I don-." I said- I said,

steve: "Have you got an A-Z? He went, "Nah." I thought well if you're gonna go out, just on the w- you know, just winging it as a cab driver...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Two things: take a map and a torch.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He didn't have either, he said, uh, "Well, I can probably get to Camden." I said, "Right, I'll direct you from there." Drove on for about five minutes, making conversation, about five minutes later he went, "D'you know the way to Camden?"

steve: I thought, "You don't know the way to Camden?" "I don't really know the way, I thought I did."

ricky: Ohhh

steve: It was ludi- and the-

ricky: "Let me out." "Four quid."

steve: You know- yeah! Exactly. And that's ju- I ju- I can't under- I don't know who's got that sort of time on their hands that they just think, "It's three in the morning, I'm at a loose end."

karl: Mm.

steve: "I think I'll go out, doing a bit of cabbing."

karl: Well, you know.

steve: 'Cause your dad was a cabbie, wasn't he?

karl: Yeah he was yeah, couldn't stand it but it's- it's good money.

steve: He was a profe- he wasn't like a chancer though, was he?

karl: Black cab, black cab.

ricky: What was- what was he, what was he doing when he put that little Forrest Gump in a, in a wheelie bin?

karl: That was, uh, that was part of the cab company thing, they had to do like a charity event, once a year, and he did it one year, never asked him again.

ricky: Tell us the story again.

karl: No, I'd rather not! 'Cause we go-

ricky: Why?!

karl: 'Cause we got a few, sort of uh, complaints about it.

ricky: Why? Why d'ya get complaints about it?

karl: Because, 'cause he put a kid in a bin, and it's not the thing to do.

karl: So...

steve: But we could use it as a sort of sobering lesson for people.

ricky: Yeah, tell it like a, tell it like a, y'know don't-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You shouldn't do it.

karl: Nah, it's, it's ah- eh- yeah but that's how I did it last time but people still didn't like it. All the stuff I tell you I don't, you know, we don't take the Mickey out of people on purpose-

ricky: No.

karl: We- it's real life innit, and that goes on in life.

ricky: Yep, I-

karl: I was saying that in hospital though, d'you know how he's in hospital?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You know, he did some jokes about old people and that, and he said, "At the end of the day, if something makes you laugh it's funny."

steve: Mm.

karl: And if it makes you laugh, you can't help laughing, can you?

steve: True enough.

karl: D'you know what I mean? So, what ya meant to do?

ricky: Yeah

karl: And laughing's good for you...

ricky: Yeah!

karl: So, even though we s-

ricky: Being laughed at isn't as good for you, is it?

karl: No but there's probably more people laughing at one person, so if you balance it out, there's only one person who's upset and there's a bunch of people laughing.

karl: So it's, it's...

ricky: That's genius! Give me an example of that, give me an example.

steve: Well, for instance Karl Pilkington as he talks and the people listening.

ricky: Yeah! Yeah, no, give me a little example of like- so itss- I- I- y'know.

karl: I can't, because again, that's what I'm saying. I can't tell you the story because they might be someone out there who, this person might in the listening and think, I forgot about that and you brought it all back to me.

ricky: Ha ha ha

steve: Yeah

karl: So I prefer to leave it but I think people know...

ricky: Why did he put them in the bin in the first place?

karl: Because he was getting out of hand.

ricky: What was it doing though?

karl: You see I can't explain where...

ricky: You can, don't be silly.

karl: I prefer to. to leave it honestly

ricky: What was he doing? Is he annoying him?

karl: Hr was annoying me Dad and the other people in the cab

ricky: Right

karl: And he thought how can I deal with this before it gets too out of hand...

steve: Yeah

karl: He pulled over and put the lad in a wheelie bin.

ricky: Ha ha ha I'm going to burst

karl: Okay, so I'll leave that.

ricky: Ha ha, I can't, ha ha oh god

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