The Ricky Gervais Show

XFM Vault - S02E29 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

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ricky: "Beautiful Day", U2... to kick off the show, Steve.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: "Ricky Gervais Show" with Steve Merchant.

steve: Hello there.

ricky: And Claire Sturgess.

claire: Hello, boys.

steve: Indeed.

ricky: Karl's ill. Well, he's not here. I d- I mean... I never believe people when they're ill, I think they're always malingering, I don't ever t- take any days off work. I just think you can drag yourself in. Unless it's- unless it's life-threatening or--

steve: Well- t- to be fair, Rick, can I just stop you there?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's not so much that you take days off as you'll just suddenly decide around lunchtime that you've overeaten--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And need to go and lie down--

ricky: But I am my own boss.

steve: With a cold compress--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. But I am my own--

steve: And a Swedish masseuse.

ricky: (Laughing) I am my own boss.

steve: Yeah.

steve: So, it's not so much you take days off--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) In a darkened room.

steve: It's not so much you take days off as you never actually do a full day's work.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Exactly.

steve: You actually prevent that beforehand.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I never- I never take that hour and a half off a day.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

ricky: Umm, XFM 104.9.

steve: So, what's the story, Claire? Do you know anything about Karl? Do you know what his- his illness is?

claire: Noo, do you know I- I think he's got this, uhh- this, sort of, cold virus that's going around--

steve: Uh huh.

claire: He phoned me yesterday, he did sound poorly, in his defense.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Poorly.

claire: And a bit croaky--

ricky: I'll tell you what- I'll tell you what, I'm not--

claire: He coughed a bit.

ricky: I'm not bein' funny - he better be in hospital.

steve: To of missed this show.

ricky: To of- to off missed this show - flagship show of the week on XFM.

claire: Do you know, you are right cuz, uh- and you've been away haven't you? You know, we've missed ya--

ricky: Been away for two weeks. We had the "Best of" again.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right, let's put out a "Best Of".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Let's put out "The Best of the Last Two Weeks".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Shall we?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I mean, I- I- we're gonna try and get him on the phone- we're gonna phone him and- and I want him to really explain himself because, you know, I think he's malingering, to be honest. So...

steve: Well, he phoned me in the week and he said, uhh, "Steve, don't forget there's a documentary on Friday night about Oliver the Humanzee--"

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "The human monkey".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He said- he said to me, "It's gonna be brilliant"--

ricky: And it wasn't.

steve: And it wasn't brilliant.

ricky: It was- I've--

steve: And I specially stayed in and watched it.

ricky: I taped it and watched it afterwards and I've never seen so much hype and desperation. They kept showing the same clip of this- definitely this chimpanzee--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That- that walked upright like a lot of chimps can.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly, yeah.

ricky: Right? Um, it lost its hair so it was half human, cuz all humans are bald.

steve: Yeah.

claire: Yeah.

ricky: So that's the half human bit: it didn't have hair. I'm sorry, humans do have hair on their head.

steve: Yes.

ricky: The other thing was: this- this desperation to go, "could it be half chimp?" No, it's a chimp that superficially looks less like a chimp than other chimps--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: Um, so, uhh, Lee Evans looks a bit like a chimp, is he half chimp, half human?

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: No, he's a human who looks a bit like a chimp - that's libelous.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: That's a bit insulting, innit it?

steve: Evans will have you there.

claire: Should we just play some music now?

ricky: Yeah. Sorry about that.

claire: Okay.

steve: Aww.

claire: I'll get back to you on that.

ricky: Yeah, that's...

ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Tick tock, that's Coldplay and "Clocks", on XFM 104.9.

ricky: Ricky Gervais, Stephen--

claire: I tell you- can I tell you- can I tell you, Coldplay are coming in in a couple of week's time to co-host Zoe Ball's show.

ricky: Right. One: don't ever interrupt me.

claire: Sorry.

ricky: Two: tell 'em about other people's shows.

steve: No.

ricky: Okay, moving on, thank you.

steve: Please do not mention that there are any other television celebrities on this channel- on this station--

ricky: Yeah.

claire: Sorry. Sorry.

steve: We're trying to convince people it's only Ricky.

ricky: But the interruption was the main thing.

steve: Absolutely.

claire: Sorry. Sorry.

ricky: Um, well, we can't get a hold of Karl, right. We looked, he's got his- his old number out there- uh- uh--

steve: What, his home number?

ricky: Yeah. His home number, right, so, uhh, we went to the new records - he hasn't even given his new home number so sommat's funny goin' on, he doesn't want to be contacted. He hasn't given me his home number, I've tracked down a friend who's looking at it for us, that phone might ring at any moment, I apologize for that, but why is Karl not available?

steve: It's interesting that neither you or I, and I like to think of ourselves as fairly close friends of Karl--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We have made him the man that he is today.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We can not get in touch with him.

ricky: In the same way--

steve: We can't get in touch with him.

ricky: In the same way that that bloke bought Oliver.

steve: Sure.

ricky: I think that Karl is now ours.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well he- yeah, exac- (Laughing Slightly) I think very much- that's true, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Karl is very much like a humanzee in many ways.

ricky: If we l- we're gonna- we're gonna lose contact with him and find him 5 years in a circus in Manchester.

steve: Exactly. They're doing experiments on him.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah. Yeah. They're going--

steve: "We can't figure him out!"

ricky: Yeah. "Well, it's- there's something wrong with a chromosome--"

steve: "He looks like a human but..."

ricky: "He d- he- he acts like a- cuz humans usually stand upright."

steve: Yeah!

ricky: "And Karl likes to walk on all-fours whenever he can."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "It's th--"

steve: "He's not interested in other human women. He's interested in- only interested in apes."

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

steve: "It doesn't make sense!"

ricky: Oh my God! And he's bald.

steve: He is bald.

ricky: Oh look, there's as much evidence--

steve: And--

ricky: For Karl being a humanzee as Oliver.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I think there's more. I think there's more. And, aww...

steve: Well, Karl barely walks upright.

ricky: I know.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Scared of fire...

ricky: Yeah. I kn- it- it is interesting, isn't it? Oliver was built, wasn't he?

claire: Yeahhh.

steve: See, I d- I--

claire: Big boy.

steve: I don't know know w--

ricky: He was a- yeah, he was--

steve: Why were you looking, Rick, I'm interested to... I'm interested that you...

ricky: Uh--

steve: What, your eyes were, kind of, uncontrollably drawn toward his--

claire: Steve, they were just there.

ricky: N-

steve: I didn't see anything.

steve: I was just lookin' at his face.

ricky: No, I d--

steve: Sorry, Rick, but if there's something you want to get off your chest...

ricky: Yeah, and that was the human part of it then, was it, being built like that cuz humans have a--

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Although Karl's is very tiny and hidden behind.

ricky: And he's got- I've noticed something else as well. He's got a big red ass!

steve: That's true.

ricky: Hasn't he?

steve: Yeah. Yeah. It's all beginning to slide into place.

ricky: That's... And I've seen him climb up a t- a cabinet and eat a banana as well.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Just to--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Of a lunch time.

steve: And peel it with his toes.

ricky: It's all coming together.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right, we're gonna track him down because I- I- he's malingering. He's definitely malin--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I'll tell you what, he's at home now in the garden swinging on his tire.

ricky: He's not ill.

steve: I think more truthfully, someone said to me, uhh- I said, uh, "Karl might be ill", they said, "Right, are you not gonna do the radio show, then?"

ricky: Well, that's what annoys me--

steve: I mean, that's the biggest problem is that--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I mean, let's be honest, we haven't got anything without Karl.

ricky: All we've got is the hook - people are staying, listening cuz eventually they think we might get through to him at home--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And there'll be fun on this show to be had.

steve: If we don't get in touch with Karl, I think we may as well shoot off and leave Claire alone to do the show alone.

ricky: I've got some great music. Is that not a- is that...?

steve: Well, it's a small- small, uhh, conversation.

claire: Well, you could leave the music with me, I could just play it.

ricky: That is true, isn't it?

steve: There's not many reasons- many reasons to be here.

ricky: Okay, well, play some great music now, Steve.

steve: Yeah, play a great tune.

ricky: Sure.

claire: Okay, "Wedding Present", Steve.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah--

steve: Oh, I'll explain what it is afterwards let's play it- it's a- it's a joy.

ricky: It's a monkey- it's a monkey theme.

steve: There is a monkey theme.

ricky: There is a monkey connection. (DJ Voice) Call in if you know the answer!

steve: The Wedding Present doing their cover version of "Pleasant Valley Sunday"--

ricky: Sure.

steve: That's from this new, uh, compilation of those, uh - remember they brought out a load of seven inches in 1992?

ricky: Of course I do. Of course I do. Of course I do.

steve: (Laughing Slighty) One of them- one of- one o--

ricky: It was my- it was my favorite day.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Absolutely. And, uhh--

ricky: Awww, awww.

steve: And on the bay- b- do you remember on the B-side of each one, there was a cover of a different song?

ricky: Steve, I even played the B-side of each one.

ricky: And listened to the song.

steve: That's one of 'em.

ricky: The connection there that we're talking about was, of course, it was by The Monkees.

steve: Indeed.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Brilliant. Brilliant.

ricky: They- they turned up in yesterday's episode, didn't they?

claire: Oooh!

steve: A- a lot of people, I'm sure, wouldn't have seen this documentary, it was on Channel 5, after all.

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: So, I always feel like we should, uh, remind people that, uhh- what we're- what we're actually talking about. If we just happen to mention Oliver, a lot of people don't know what that means.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Uhhmm, if we explain that it is the primate version of Karl--

ricky: Yeah, exactly.

steve: That's the, sort of, shorthand, isn't it?

ricky: Yeah. Ha- yeah.

steve: Yeah. But it was- they were on a Japa- they- they- they- the human--

ricky: The humanzee.

steve: The humanzee. He was on a Ja- Japanese, uhh, TV show with- they were doing experiments on him to find out if he was half human and The Monkees happened to be there.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Micky Dolenz saying, "You know, I'm quite interested to find out because, you know, I'm... a ... Monkee."

claire: Oooooooh!

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: "One of The Monkees". It was extraordinary.

ricky: Excellent.

ricky: Well--

steve: It was utterly bizarre. Of course, we, umm- we've been off jetting around the world, Claire. I- I don't know- I don't want to boast, I'm sure you don't want to boast either. But, uh--

claire: No, I- Karl told me you've been off, you know- off to the States.

steve: Yeah, that was the reason we weren't here, the last couple of weeks that we went to, uhh, Los Angeles.

claire: Business or pleasure?

steve: It was a little bit of business, a little bit of pleasure.

claire: Mmm.

steve: You know, I like to combine the two. (Laughs Slightly) And, uhh--

ricky: It was, uhh- we were, uhm, uhh, meeting, uhh, a- a company about doing "The Office" for America, uhhm--

steve: Yeah.

claire: Actually re-doing it?

ricky: Yeah, re-doing it.

steve: Not- not- not with Ricky or any of the cast--

ricky: No.

steve: But with American actors.

ricky: American actors do it, yeah. So...

steve: But the thing was they- they- they were flying us over - it was like the whole business-class trip. You know, they spent a little bit of money and, uhhh--

ricky: Virgin Upper Class, actually.

steve: Virgin Upper Class--

claire: Nice.

steve: I'd like to recommend that.

ricky: I'd like to- excellent. It's- it's brilliant.

steve: Very good service. Very good service.

claire: Easy. Easy.

ricky: Definitely get free flights now.

claire: Easy.

steve: Definitely.

ricky: Brilliant. Yeah.

steve: Richard Branson - lovely bloke and I loved "Tubular Bells" so well done on that.

ricky: It is- I don't- I don't- I don't think he- I don't think he owns it anymore.

steve: Does he not?

ricky: But he's still a lovely bloke.

steve: Still a great guy.

ricky: He's a still a good- what does he own? He must own something that we can get.

steve: Oooh, d- d- d- d- does he- involved with Virgin Records anymore?

ricky: (Exhales) I wouldn't of thought so.

claire: No, no, it'd be V2.

steve: Well, I--

ricky: What does he do?

claire: V2 and Virgin Vie.

steve: What's that?

ricky: Right.

claire: Virgin Vie's some--

steve: Is that a phone?

claire: Beau- beauty products or something.

steve: Brilliant. I'll have some of that.

ricky: What about--

claire: Virgin Underwear.

steve: Brilliant. Whatever's free.

ricky: Yeah, give us some of that. Give us some of that, Branson.

steve: We'll have anything that's free. Anything that's free.

ricky: Give us some of that.

steve: But, I was, uhh, going to New York before going on to Los Angeles where all the meetings- it was just for a little, uhh- just meet some friends over in New York. And, uhh, it's amazing cuz Virgin Business Class, they pick you up in a, sort of, chauffeur-driven car, they drive you down- there's no bo- you don't have to check-in with all the wish--

ricky: Upper Class. Virgin Upper Class, it's like the f- yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't need to, sort of, queue up with the great unwashed--

ricky: No.

steve: With screaming kids - with ordinary people.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Basically, you- they just send your information ahead to the airport and you just drive through a, kind of, drive through McDonald's-style check-in, they take your bag, they take your passport, boom, they drop you off at the executive lounge where there are - I swear to God - lovely free plums. I had two lovely, juicy free plums in the exec- and I haven't eaten plums for years.

ricky: He forget- he forgets the bloke's name but they had- he had lovely--

steve: Ding dong.

ricky: Juicy free plums. All right?

steve: That- that is why--

ricky: That's the sort of wit that I am capable of. I heard the word "plum"--

steve: That is why he is flying first-class (Laughing Slightly) to America to discuss comedy.

ricky: He men- he mentioned suckin' on fruit, I changed it- I transposed the whole thing so suddenly he was sucking on a man's testicles who he'd never met before!

steve: Exactly.

ricky: For money.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: That's the sort of things I'm capable of.

steve: Which is only half true.

steve: So he's- he's used his comedy mind--

ricky: There was no money involved. Right.

steve: That is why he was being jetted off to America--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: To talk comedy. That is the kind of quality you're going to get.

ricky: But it was- it was great. It was a really lovely flight, it was a lovely car- luxury car and the- the flight- it was like the advert - I th- they've got those beds that, sort of, re- recline--

steve: Well the- yeah, the seats, kind of, recline so it's almost- you can sleep, it's so comfortable.

ricky: And you can have anything you want- as much o- and, like, I was fallin' asleep and I, sort of, woke up and, uhh, one of the air hostesses was covering me with a blanket. It was like the advert.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, it was crazy.

ricky: It was just brilliant, all the lights came down and ever--

steve: A woman comes around and says, "Do you want a massage?" during the flight. You can have a massage during the flight.

claire: Oooh.

ricky: You can have as much drinks- although you can't drink. You have a drink and then you fall asleep.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Because it's so comfortable and they take the lights down. Anyway, it's brilliant.

steve: So anyway, I can't believe my luck--

steve: So I'm driving down, I get to the airport in my chauffeur-driven car. Right, I'm sat there, I'm phoning people - my mum and dad, you know, "You'll never believe what I'm off to. Just- just in a car. Just in a chauffeur-driven car", and I get to the airport and I- they- you just hand your passport through the window of this car to this woman who comes over. And I'm just there- I'm just, sort of, buzzing the window down, handing it to her, buzzing it back up like, "I don't want to talk. Check the passport, take my luggage, I don't want to discuss things, you know who I am." And she hands the passport back through the window, she says, "It's expired."

claire: OOH!

steve: I went, ("Fool" Voice) "Eewhaa- what do you mean?" She went, "It's expired." I thought- I said, ("Fool" Voice) "It's business-class, what can you do? Can you do anything?" and she went, "No, we- we can send you to America but eight hours later you'll have to just turn around and come back. They won't let you through immigration." And I was like, ("Fool" Voice) "What can I do? I've got to go to Los Angeles and talk about, like, 'The Office' and that?" And she said, uhh, "Well, it's up to you." So, umm, the chauffeur-driven car drove me straight to the passport office down, uhh, in, sort of, uhh, Victoria - which I have to say--

claire: You went back into town?!

steve: So I had to come back into town - I didn't get on a plane, I'm wearing my suit cuz I thought I'd wear the suit so I'd look like a real player. So I'm wearing my suit--

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I love the fact that he wore a suit, I wore a track suit.

steve: Yeah w--

ricky: Because I thought, "I don't need to get upgraded. I'm first class."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: I c- I- I- I was- I wanted to go on in my pants and slippers.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But, uhh, you know, with--

steve: In fact, isn't that why she covered you with a blanket at one point?

steve: But, uhh- so they take me back down to, uhh, the passport- I don't know if you've had to go down and get your passport changed but, uhh, they treat you like you are an illegal immigrant--

claire: Yeah, like you're- yeah.

steve: Sneaking into the country. I'm wearing a suit, I've got luggage, you know, I've c- I'm clearly a dignified kind of guy - that's obvious - I'm speaking with a certain eloquence, I've got a certain poise--

ricky: How?!

steve: (Laughing Slightly) I've just been working on it in the car.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Oh, right. Okay. Go on.

steve: And--

steve: And they just- they say, "You've got to come back" that night, so I had to come back, I had to- I had to get my passport photos done--

ricky: He called me--

steve: I had to buy a sandwich but I didn't have enough change for the machine because there was not a- it was an absolute nightmare. I ended up- I spent- I began the day in a chauffeur-driven car on my way to Los Angeles to discuss business with, uh, Universal Television Pictures and I sp- (Laughs Slightly) and I ended the day on the tube--

steve: In a suit, with my luggage stood next to one of the posters advertising this radio show.

steve: Which was just embarrassing because people kept pointing and staring and laughing.

ricky: He called me- he called me, right, he said, "Rick, I've really mucked up-", "Go on.", he went, "My passport expired." I went, "Awww. So what are you gonna do?!" He went- he said, right, I c- he went, "I didn't know passports expired."

steve: Yeah!

ricky: I went, "What do you mean?", I went- he went, "Well, your driving license doesn't." I went, "What are you talking about?!" He said, "How old do you have to be to know that?" He said- he said, "When will I know all these things."

steve: Yeah!

steve: It is!

ricky: (Laughing) He went, "When will I know all these things?"

claire: Steve, I want to just come and hug you.

steve: But do you know what I mean? Did you know that?

claire: A--

steve: Did you genuinely know that your passport expired?

claire: I did because m- my passport expired--

ricky: Because she's alive!

claire: A few years ago and I renewed it.

ricky: Because she's alive in the world!

steve: There is so much stuff that I don't know because I don't think I've reached a certain age yet. I remember you walking down the street once and you said- there was some road works and you said, "They're probably doing those road works because--"

ricky: End of the s--

steve: "It's the end of the financial year and they've got to spend money."

ricky: Yeah, they have to spend their budget, yeah.

steve: I thought, "W- how do you know that information?!"

claire: Cab drivers tell you!

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, exactly, yeah.

steve: But I don't talk to cab drivers! I'm in chauffeur-driven cars! I put the little window up so they don't talk to me.

claire: Steve, how old are you? How old are you?

steve: 28.

ricky: Are you old- are you old enough yet to help a- a long-distance lorry driver back into a car park?

steve: Definitely not.

ricky: Ah, you're an idiot, play a record.

steve: And I'm also- I- I'm not old enough yet to say, uh, uh, "Can I have a pint of lager please, chief?" in a pub.

steve: I wonder when I'll get to that age.

ricky: No, you're a long way off.

ricky: Another classic, there from Oasis.

steve: Mm.

ricky: "Supersonic" on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess standing in for--

claire: Hello, hello, yeah.

ricky: For Karl. But, where is Karl? Where... is... Karl?

steve: So we've failed to get in touch with him at home...

ricky: Well, he- look--

steve: Do you think he's--

ricky: He doesn't want to be contacted. He's turned every phone off, he hasn't given XFM his new home phone number, he doesn't want to be contacted. I can't believe he's not listenin'... to be honest.

steve: So you think he's listening now in Manchester?

ricky: Yeah, he listened- he listened in Manchester. If he's not listenin', he's out and about. Uh, I mean has anyone spotted Karl?

steve: What's your message to him, Rick, if he's listening?

ricky: Uhh, get- call up.

steve: Uh huh. Anything else, more, sort of, uhmm...?

ricky: Call up or you're fired.

steve: Okay. Any bad language you want to use - obviously you can't swear on the radio?

ricky: I can't really say it.

steve: What sort of words? I mean, the F word, would you say?

ricky: I'd say the F word, I'd call him, uh, uhhm, a twat, uhmm, uhh...

steve: Would you use the P word? I'm thinking of "prick".

ricky: Prick, yeah.

ricky: Definitely use that.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Sure. Sure.

ricky: Not on- not on- not on-air, obviously, but I'd call him a stupid, little prick.

steve: What about "tit"? Would- would you say, "You're a tit"?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Okay. Alright.

ricky: "Little- you stupid little bag of tits", I'd say to him.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Not- I mean, privately off- off--

steve: What about the M.F. word cuz that's pretty intense, that's pretty hardcore.

ricky: I don't know but--

steve: Do you think that this is not appropriate now?

steve: Do you think he's- do you think that would be too- too extreme?

ricky: I'm worried if I use that, and he was--

steve: There's no going back.

ricky: And he was genuinely ill--

steve: Sure.

ricky: I'd feel--

steve: You'd feel bad later down--

ricky: A bit of a--

steve: A C word.

ricky: Yeh, cock.

steve: Sure. Oh, cock.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Cuz I wasn't thinking of that C word.

ricky: I- I mean- I mean a male bird.

steve: Sure. Cuz we've got in trouble with that before.

ricky: Meaning "penis" and we don't mean that.

steve: Yeah. We don't--

ricky: No.

steve: We don't mean "penis".

ricky: Uhhm, but if- if you do- if anyone out there- sor- sorry about that. Umm, it was a discussion about bad language, we weren't actually using it, but if any of you out there do see the little twat--

ricky: Get him to call XFM immediately.

steve: Yeah, and likewise if you're listening, Karl, uh, you cheaky M.F.--

steve: Uhmm, uhh, well "you sexy M.F.", as Prince once said.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Give us a ring because we'd love to talk to you. We just want to find out how you are!

ricky: Just call in. We know you're listening! Little...

ricky: Shhhhit.

ricky: Aimee Mann, "Red Vines".

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Lovely track.

steve: Mm hmm.

ricky: On XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess in for Karl Pilkington. Little...

ricky: He hasn't called.

steve: Okay.

claire: He may be really ill. I'm feeling a bit guilty--

ricky: I- yeaaah, I--

steve: How ill is he, though? I mean- do you know what I mean? How ill do you have you got to be to not be able to make a phone call?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I find that hard to believe.

claire: I- I've got a sore bottom and I made it in.

steve: Keep talking.

claire: I pulled a muscle in my bum.

steve: How?

claire: I don't know... And it really hurts.

steve: Have you tried to trace back through the week and figure out what may have happened?

claire: Yeah, I went to see the osteopath yesterday.

steve: Uh huh.

claire: He put an elbow in it for half an hour. I cried.

ricky: Hello?

steve: Is that to--

claire: Yeah.

ricky: Is it- oh, they've got detachable elbows for that?

steve: Yeah.

claire: (Laughing) Yeah.

ricky: Prosthetic elbows.

steve: (Laughing) Yeah, the elbows. "Just hold this in there for two hours and, uhh..."

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: "Take two--"

ricky: "Can I take that away?" "You can take that away with you. I won't be needin' that elbow..."

ricky: "For quite a while."

steve: We've had an email about, uhh, Oliver the, uhh, humanzee. For those that didn't watch it - there was a documentary last night about a chimp that was supposedly a human - or was half human or might be a--

ricky: Karl's favorite program ever.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: For a week, Karl has been saying, "It's gonna be brilliant."

claire: Awww, I wish he was here to discuss it.

steve: Yeah, and he's not here to discuss it, sadly--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But, uhm, uh, Lee Cranston has, uh- (Laughs Slightly) has emailed in and, uhh, says, uh, "I thought the best part of the Oliver program was the guy Vincent Pace--"

ricky: Ooh, yeah.

steve: (Reading) "The camp fella at the piano telling how he first met Oliver. Quote: 'He grabbed his female owner, turned her around and bent her over and went to mount her."

ricky: Yeh.

steve: (Reading) "'I made an offer to buy him the next day!'"

steve: (Reading) "Vincent was then shown in a very nostalgic mood, playing melancholic music. He obviously wanted some monkey action."

ricky: He rea- that's- y- that's--

steve: I mean, that is potentially libel- libelous.

ricky: That's- that's libelous. We d- you know we d- that's a joke, there. But--

steve: We take- I don't take any responsibility for what Lee Cranston says or, indeed, the fact that he que- he puts at the end, "Did he want to turn Oliver into a gaypanzee?".

steve: Question Mark. That's Lee's thought's and opinions--

ricky: It was funny when he's says, uhh--

steve: They don't necessarily reflect XFM.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He sees the- the- the chimp mount a human and go, "I've gotta have that chimp!"

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, "I must have that chimp."

ricky: "I must have that chimp."

ricky: Awww, poor Karl. Where is he? Call in.

steve: Cuz a- as you mentioned earlier, he was very well endowed, apparently, I didn't see it myself.

ricky: It was a big- it was a big--

claire: He was a big boy, mate, yeah.

ricky: Chimp.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: A big half boy.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: A big half boy, half chimp.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Okay.

ricky: "Honestly", Zwan on XFM--

steve: Good.

ricky: 104.9. Right, I just called Karl again - I've been calling him all the time, trying to get through to him, right? He's changed his message. So, he is listening. I've got proof so, can you just call the number, Claire?

claire: Yeah.

ricky: Right. Right, call this number. Now, listen to this. This is really annoyin'.

steve: We should tell you now that this is not a- an amusing sketch or setup.

ricky: No.

steve: What's happening there, Claire?

steve: Not quite happening for you?

claire: No- no this is alright. We'll try- try again.

steve: Try that again, Claire.

claire: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: I'm livid now. I- he's--

ricky: I'm genuinely annoyed because- you'll see- when you hear the message, you'll realize why. Right.

claire: Okay. Alright. Let's try again.

steve: I don't know who he thinks he is, now. I- I'm beginning to wonder if... if his minor celebrity is going to his head... All this nice writeup in- in "Heat Magazine"...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's changed him.

steve: Richard Anderson, incidentally, has emailed in.

ricky: Go on.

steve: "Dickers" Anderson.

steve: It's not happenin' now, is it Claire?

claire: Awww, it's not happenin', is it?

ricky: Why not?

claire: Because I'm a bit stupid.

ricky: Why- why c- why can't--

claire: Because I can't- I can't work it out, can I?

steve: Can't figure it out.

claire: Yeeah.

ricky: How would you call someone normally?

claire: Well, normally I'd just pick up the phone and dial it.

steve: Sure.

ricky: No, I don't mean--

claire: And I'd get--

ricky: I mean--

claire: It's like- I have a problem getting it through the desk. I'll tell you what, can I play an ad break and practice?

steve: Alright.

claire: And pretend this didn't happen and then get back to you.

steve: Do you know, in a weird way it's like Karl's still here.

ricky: It's like having Karl. It's like having Karl. Play the ads.

claire: I'll get back to ya.

ricky: Bit of Snoop never hurt anyo- when did- when did a bit of Snoop ever hurt anyone, Steve?

steve: Absolutely nnnnever, I don't think.

ricky: Right. Okay. Karl's away. He pulled the wool over Claire's eyes as- a few people out there that believed he was ill, I knew he wasn't. In fact, at one point I thought, "Maybe he is ill." Uhm, his message on his answering machine has changed in the last 5 minutes and listen to it. This is evidence that he's not ill. Right.

claire: Okay, here we go, then.

steve: Dial that, Claire.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: A- don't read it out! Anderson- Richard Anderson, I should just say, has, uhh- has, uhh, got in touch...

claire: Okay.

steve: Here we go.

ricky: Hold on.

claire: Here we gooo.

claire: Awwww!

steve: Aww, Claire!

claire: No, no, I can do it. Just tell them about Anders- tell them about Anderson.

steve: Alright. This is ludicrous. Yeah, so obviously Richard Anderson- he's, uh- he's emailed in his thoughts - "Dicky Anders", "Anders"--

ricky: "Danderson".

steve: "RRandy Anders".

ricky: Youuu.

ricky: "Dickster", "Dickmeister", "The Dickmeister General".

steve: (Laughing Slightly) "The Dickmeister General". And he says, "There's something making"- have we got it, Claire? "There's something-", he says, "There's something making strange yelping noises in the thicket at the end of my garden. Should I go and prod it to see if it's Karl?"

karl: (Phone Message) ... home. Sorry I'm not in today but... not well and that. Ehhhm, no more "Rockbusters". I think that's what's affected me - it's got me down a bit.

ricky: So he's joking.

karl: (Phone Message) But, uhhm...

steve: Yeah.

karl: (Phone Message) The doctor said I'll be, uh, back... swingin' on me tire in no time.

ricky: So--

karl: (Phone Message) So, yeah.

ricky: So he was listening.

steve: He's clearly listening.

answering machine voice: If you would like to record--

ricky: So he hasn't- was listening because we said about "swingin' on the tire"--

steve: Leave a message.

answering machine voice: At any time.

ricky: Right... Karl... call me. In fact, I'll tell ya what, we'll play a little game - Karl would appreciate this. Call- call me, Karl or I'm gonna give out your number. What's the first 5 or 6 digits, Claire?

claire: Well, it's 0- 07968.

ricky: 07968. Okay, phone now, Karl... start calling now. Right, give the next number, Claire.

claire: Uh, it's- it's- you ser- you serious?

ricky: You s- give the next number.

claire: 1.

ricky: 1.

steve: Make note of this--

ricky: Okay.

steve: Cuz if you want to call Karl yourself--

ricky: 07968 and the first number to be given out is 1. He's not ill, he's- how do you feel now, Claire, because he's made a full of you, cuz you believed him?

claire: Well, no- I mean, I actually got really--

steve: He's made a monkey out of you.

claire: Sorry for him--

ricky: Yeah.

claire: Last night. Uhm, but now - past hour - I'm- I feel a little bit let down.

ricky: Right a- ah- right, okay, so we'll give another number out every 5 minutes until Karl calls cuz we know he's listenin' now. He's havin'- he's taking the piss, uhhm, he's not ill, obviously, you can hear that. He could- if y- that was as long as a link, so he could have been here, uhhm, he could e- definitely call. Uhmm s--

steve: Are we leaving this mess- is this a message we're still leaving on his phone?

claire: (Laughing) Yeah. We're--

ricky: Yeah.

claire: We're still leaving it. Y- yeah.

steve: Good.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Good.

ricky: Good. Yeah. Uhmm--

steve: Why don't we leave the rest of the show on his phone?

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

steve: As a message.

ricky: Leave- leave that up, yeah.

steve: He's gotta listen to it all so he can delete it.

ricky: Yeah, exactly. Uhm, and, uhh, the other thing, of course, is that he's not gonna get paid for this.

steve: No.

ricky: So he- he's thrown away 80 quid, right.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) That's 80 pounds.

ricky: Right, now, in Manchester that's a week's wages--

steve: Easy.

ricky: So he's obviously been spoiled. So, for all his Manc charm, he's down here, he's livin' the life of royalty--

steve: He thinks 80 quid's nothing.

ricky: He thinks 80 quid's nothing. Already.

steve: Up there you could be buying- what s- you could be buying yourself your own horse...

ricky: Yeah. yeah.

steve: You could probably get yourself a d- a deposit on a flat.

ricky: Actually- I'd of thought so. I'd of thought so, yeah.

steve: Easily.

ricky: And so, uhhm, you know- or sun lamps cuz it's always dark.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He could- he could- he could go mental up there. Now- so--

steve: Dog, piece of string.

ricky: So, what- what- so, what's the first digits we've given out?

claire: 07968...

steve: Mm hmm.

ricky: Yeah, and then--

claire: That's the code.

ricky and claire: And then 1.

ricky: Okay, we'll give out- we'll give out- give out, uhm, a number--

steve: Another of Karl's (Laughs Slightly) phone number digits.

ricky: Digits. So, take that down because you'll be- love calling him. Uhhm, should we have a little bit of Feeder or something?

claire: Yeah.

steve: Let me just tell you what, uhh- what Dickers said. Uhh--

ricky: Yeh. Yeah.

steve: He said- Richard Anderson- he also said, "P.S. - The show's still rubbish without Karl."

steve: Which is fair enough.

ricky: "Still rubbish...", "Still rubbish without Karl." Now, is that a compliment? "It's still rubbish without Karl" which suggests he thought it might be better with- without Karl?

steve: No, I think he's- he means it's equally rubbish.

ricky: Right. Brilliant.

claire: Nothing changes.

ricky: Thanks. Thanks Dickers!

steve: Yeah, he definitely thinks it's even.

ricky: Dickmeister!

ricky: That's Feeder and "Just the Way I'm Feeling" on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess.

claire: Hello.

ricky: Well, he's defying me. He's not calling in. We're gonna give out his number and he's not calling in. That's even more annoyin'. What- who does he think he is?

steve: I don't know who he thinks he is. I.... I'll tell you what he- I'll tell you who he is--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He is a little bald Mancunian.

ricky: Let's never let him forget that.

steve: That's who he is. I don't know who he thinks he is but there's the fact.

ricky: I- just- Karl, call in cuz you're annoyin'... me and Steve.

ricky: He's been slaggin' you off as well, Steve.

steve: Well, go on. What's he been saying?

ricky: In the week, you know, he was slaggin' you off. I mean, in the week I was joining in and laughing along but now I'm thinking I'm gonna- I'm gonna- no, but now I'm thinking that you're more on my side than he is.

steve: Thanks very much, Rick. I'm glad to see you've come 'round.

ricky: (Laughing) He said- he was, uh--

steve: Cuz--

ricky: I was in, uh- in the- in the, uh, pub with him and, uhm, uhh, Johnny and--

steve: Alright, so there was a little audience. Good.

ricky: And he said- he went, "Awww!"- he went, "Have you seen 'Men in Black II'?", I went, "No.", he said, "Have you, Johnny?", he went, "No.", he went, "Aww, there's- there's a thing in it that looks just like Steve."

steve: Mmm.

ricky: And I went, "What?" He went, "There's a thing, it's got really gangly arms and- and, uhh, uh, bulbous eyes and it just works really fast in the, uh, alien's registration thing." And I went, "Alright", I said, "well, bring that up Saturday". Since he's not here, you know, I th- what do you think of that?

steve: Well I (Exhales)

steve: I j- I (Exhales)

steve: The reason this is- the problem I have with it is that if- if I was to say things like that about Karl--

steve: I'd destroy him.

steve: I- he'd be a broken man after I finished with him.

ricky: Call in, Karl or Steve's gonna say a few things about you!

steve: I'm gonna let a couple of home truths out there.

ricky: I can't believe it. I cannot believe it. Yeah, we were havin' a- we were- you know, a- at the time I was joining in, we were having- you know, slaggin' you off on other things as well--

steve: Sure, sure, sure.

ricky: But now I'm thinking maybe I- I--

steve: Maybe you were wrong.

ricky: Maybe I was- yeah, maybe I was taking the mickey out of the wrong person behind their back.

steve: "Because the Night" from Patti Smith, co-written, of course, with, uh, Bruce Springsteen.

ricky: Oh, it was a co-write, was it? I thought he wrote it and- oh.

steve: Yes indeed, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Well, there ya go. You're learnin' something.

ricky: Learning something on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess.

claire: Hello!

ricky: No Karl. Well, Karl's annoyed me, uhhm, he's not playing, he's not ill, uhm--

steve: Another digit for the number?

ricky: Uh, yeah, just do one more digit, Claire.

claire: You serious now?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

claire: 5. 5.

steve: 5. Good.

ricky: 5, so 15. Good, we'll just keep doin' that but I'll tell ya what... the best revenge is living well.

steve: Indeed.

ricky: Why don't we just do a brilliant remaining 50 minutes of- of show--

steve: Okay.

ricky: And show the people that we don't need Karl.

steve: High five!

steve: Let's do it.

ricky: Okay? We don't need Karl--

steve: Oooo--

ricky: Right, let's go starting now.

steve: It- from now.

ricky: Some brilliant- some brilliant stuff.

steve: (Nervously) Aww, (Exhales) is it- I was just--

ricky: You were just gonna say sommat.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah. No, I- I remember when I was... I remember when I was growing up in Manchester--

ricky: No, you can't...

steve: Can't...

ricky: Aw, I s- I t- aww, tell you what's funny to me. I'll tell ya... XFM, uhm, 1, 2.9. I said- no--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Come on. What happened?

ricky: I saw a- a weird thing... I saw- I was c- you know, uhm... we were in Leicester Square, I was coming through China- I saw a hairy Chinese... kid.

steve: Mmmm, noo I don't- that's (Trails Off)...

ricky: It was weird because they're not usually hairy, are they? (Cartoonish Manc Accent) EEEE, did I tell yewww about me auntie Flooora, Steve? Did I--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Is that supposed to be Manchester?

ricky: (Cartoonish Manc Accent) Eeee, by 'eck... is like. Did I tell thee about me auntie Flora who shat herself for 3 hours once? Did I tell ya? Oooh, eeeeee, I don't... (Struggling) Ooh, there was a woman born once--

steve: KARL, YOU HAVE TO PHONE US, WE'VE GOT NOTHING!

ricky: CALL! Awww God, he's so annoying. Little twat.

ricky: That's the, uh, new one from Blur.... ehh... "Out of Time". Only three now. Probably had a, sort of, Karl equivalent who, sort of, thought, "Well, I can't- I can't be bothered." Graham Coxon there--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Probably at home listening to that.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

ricky: Playing guitar there. One of them said, "You- you could play along.", he went, "Nah, I'm ill."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Aw, I'm ill!" "Come on, Graham, just--"

steve: "Just join in!"

ricky: "I can hear you playing guitar now." "Noo- no, I'm ill."

steve: Yeah. Have they replaced Coxon?

claire: No. No.

steve: They haven't replaced him?

claire: No.

steve: Oh, right.

claire: Well, they probably will do when they go on tour but I think they are essentially doing as much as possible--

ricky: Wellll, I play guitar, I don't know...

steve: That's true enough. You are pretty hot on the, uhh...

ricky: So, if, uh--

steve: On the axe.

ricky: Damon, if you want someone to, uh--

claire: Oh, actually Steve--

ricky: Strum along--

claire: In answer to your question, for the live dates, uh, it's one of the blokes from The Verve.

steve: Oh, that's a shame.

claire: Ex-Verve member.

ricky: Did she interrupt me again?

steve: I think so!

claire: Sorry, mate.

steve: I'm a-fearin' it.

claire: My God, I can't believe I did that!

ricky: I think I was talkin', I don't know, I--

steve: Yeah, I don't know if you were...

ricky: M- I don't know, I m- I might be mental but I think I was talkin'.

steve: Claire, w- when's your radio show on?

steve: Normally, when do you host a radio show?

claire: Am I allowed to plug it?

ricky: Yeah, go on.

steve: Yeah, just tell us.

claire: Mondays, Thursday 9 PM.

steve: Mm. Interesting.

ricky: May- maybe we'll come along and start talking over you!

steve: Well, I- I was just wonderin'- Rick, I was just wonderin' - who's listening at that time?

claire: My mum!

steve: I mean, what t--

claire: My mum is listening!

steve: We- we've got a prime time which everyone is sat at home, listening on a Saturday afternoon, Claire.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) It's one of the best radio slots that exist.

ricky: Yeah, no one's going to football matches or shopping or anything like that.

steve: No, no, no, no, no, no.

claire: I want a piece of the action! I need it!

steve: Yes.

claire: I need it.

steve: Wellll, now you've got it.

ricky: And, uhh, they're, um- they're playing a few, um, dates here and there or- Blur- they're all Blur.

steve: Good, we'll look for that--

ricky: And that's off their new album probably with all the other songs and that.

steve: Yeah. Rick, I was watchin' TV last night- I just, uhm--

ricky: Sure.

steve: It might have been during the monkey show, actually, I'm not sure, but there was an advert and it reminded me of a little crush that I just felt I should express cuz I wonder if- you know, I've often used the platform in the past just to express my feelings for people.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I've- I've realized now that for many, many years I've had a big crush on the Scottish widow... from the Scottish Widow adverts. She's--

ricky: Mm.

steve: I- I just- I just want to say to her, you know--

ricky: Is it cuz she's, sort of, mysterious and hooded?

steve: Partly that. It's also cuz I know- I guarantee she's available...

ricky: Cuz she's just lost her husband.

steve: She's a widow.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And, I just think it's time to stop grievin'. I think you've been grievin' too long, I think- I want to say to her, "You're a beautiful lady--"

claire: She's gorgeous.

ricky: And she's probably- and she's probably got a big lump sum.

steve: I'm thinking she's probably got a sizable amount of cash.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: She's obviously got a lot of spare time on her hands, not working or raising kids because she's wandering across the moorlands most of the time, I'm pretty sure.

ricky: Yeah, her kids have probably grown up.

steve: I'm thinking it's time--

ricky: Or- or the- or they turned to crack or sommat.

steve: But I'm just saying this - I think it's just time to say, "Yes, he was a great man."

ricky: He was a good man.

steve: "He was a lovely guy!"

ricky: He worked hard on his lan--

steve: "But he's gone--

ricky: He's gone.

steve: "It's time to move on. He wouldn't want to see you like this--"

ricky: No.

steve: "Still grieving after 25 years!"

ricky: No, he'd wan- he'd want to see her bein' humped by a big lanky thing with steamed-up glasses, I reckon.

steve: I'll be honest with you, he hasn't got much say in the matter, he's dead.

ricky: Well, alright. Don't get nasty.

steve: And frankly--

ricky: She's still not over it--

steve: She is squandering that money.

steve: She could be out- she could be in Europe, she could be on- in Barbados or Hawaii, she could be spending that cash, she could get- she could lose the hooded shawl and maybe slip into a nice bikini--

ricky: Do you know what, I think she's wearin'--

steve: Cuz she's kept herself in shape.

ricky: I reckon' she's wearing nothing under that shroud.

steve: That's what I'm thinkin'!

ricky: Dirty.... slut.

steve: And I'm- I'm assuming- I'm assuming, as she's Scottish, uh, that he was a little bit thrifty--

ricky: She couldn't wait for him to go! She couldn't wait for the poor bloke to go!

steve: He was obviousl- I bet he was a little bit thrifty, he's probably got quite a lot stashed away that she's slowly working her way through.

ricky: Yeah. And I- awww- I wanna find out--

steve: Ding dong!

ricky: I wanna find out how he died.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. I'm intrigued!

ricky: Cu- cuz if I find it's like, "Oooh, he st- there- there was a rollerskate at the top of the stairs--"

steve: (Laughing) Exactly!

ricky: I am going to reopen the investigation!

steve: If it was in any way supspicious...

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Questions could be asked.

ricky: "Your husband's dead", and she went, "Oh no, where's the money?"

steve: Yeah.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: "Steve Merchant's outside."

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly. Yeah.

ricky: "Built like a donkey."

steve: Yeah. "He's built like a ch- he's built like Oliver the chimpanzee."

ricky: Yeah. "And he wants to get at it."

steve: Yes. "He's brought his tandem."

ricky: "Yeah, we're--"

steve: "Hop on the back--"

ricky: "We're going off to the moors."

steve: Yeah. "He's j- he's gonna fly executive class--"

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

steve: "His passport is valid."

ricky: "He's- I know that--"

steve: "He knows that much."

ricky: "He's got another ten years--"

ricky: "On the passport."

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

ricky: Well, I'll tell you what, the boys from Blur... they don't rock.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Should we show them how to rock with a bit of Bad Company?

steve: Do it.

ricky: It's a classic. Turn it up, Claire.

ricky: Bad Company, "Can't Get Enough of Your Love". I'm in a rock mood--

steve: Yeah, I enjoyed that.

ricky: Cuz Karl's made my blood boil.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Really. I might even play a song- you're probably too young- called, uh, "Spirit of the Radio" by Rush. It's, sort of, like- for rockers and people like that it's like the ultimate, sort of, pomp, uhh, rock progressive pop song ever.

steve: Uh huh. Uh huh.

ricky: It's- it's- it's classic.

steve: Sounds amazing.

ricky: You can- you can- you- you might hate it or you'll love it, uhm, or you listen to it ironically. I love it.

steve: Well, you know, I- I just- I- I was listening to Led Zepplin recently, I never really understood the rock phenomenon before but I just understand it now. It just gets in your blood--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's extraordinary. Crank it up loud and it is just visceral and amazing and, uhh, I wish I could play the guitar.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Do you know what I feel like doing?

ricky: What?

steve: Writing a little, sort of, hymn or ballad.

ricky: About- to Karl?

steve: To Karl.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We've tried threatening him... that's not worked.

ricky: Give out one more digit... We got a half hour to go before it- g- it's three digits so it's 0- what is it? 0..?

claire: 07968...

ricky: Yeah.

claire: 15...

ricky: Next digit please.

claire: (Whispers) 7.

ricky: Okay. 157. So--

steve: Right. I hope you're making a note of that, you'll be able to phone Karl, leave messages, tell him what you think of him, uh, unless he phones- he can stop this at any time by just simply calling here in the studio.

ricky: That's all it is. He can just call and say, "Okay, don't-", uh, uh, he can just call and say, "Please don't give my number out", and I'll go, as I always do when I'm winding him up and I'm slappin' his head and I'm, sort of, like, spittin' on him and stuff, i- eventually he goes- shouts, "Stop it", and I go, "Well you only had to ask."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: So if he calls, I'll go, "You only had to ask."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Flaming Lips on, uh, XFM 104.9. Well, we got through it without Karl.

steve: I think so, yeah, I've enjoyed myself.

ricky: Didn't mention him much, did we?

steve: No, I don't think so.

ricky: I don't think we need him.

steve: I always quite enjoy it when he's absent, actually, I like having Claire in.

ricky: I know because- yeah, because we can have a nice chat as opposed to him just goin'--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (Cartoonish Manc Accent) Eeee, 'member when I had Chinese hair and there were old woman--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (Cartoonish Manc Accent) Eatin' her own legs.

steve: It's just gobble-dee-gook when he's here.

ricky: (Cartoonish Manc Accent) And me dad put a Forrest Gump in a wheelie bin.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Claire br- brings a certain, kind of, level of class to it, dare I say that. You know,--

ricky: Yeh.

steve: She- she's inept in her own way.

ricky: In her own w- yeah, yeah, I mean, there's no one- there's no one any good working here, I mean--

steve: No, no, no, no, no, I don't wanna give you that idea!

ricky: N- n- n- no, there's no, like, proper- I- I- I- the only proper DJ is probably Camfield--

claire: Yeah.

ricky: I'd of thought cuz he's been in- he's- he's nearly thirteen now--

ricky: And he's been in the--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: He's been in radio for twelve and a half years, uhm--

steve: Yep. Yeah.

ricky: See, he took- they tested him and he's half human, half Vance.

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: Which is--

ricky: Which is quite--

steve: Yeah, he's got quite a lot of- I think he's got the 48 chromosomes that Tommy Vance has got.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: You know, that makes one Tommy Vance.

ricky: (Laughing Slightly) It is one Tommy Vance, yeah, with a little bit extra for- cuz--

steve: Yeah, cuz one of those chromosomes is pure Jack Daniel's.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: It's just Jack Daniel's chromsome. It- it corresponds exactly to Jack Daniel's.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. And- and there's some, uh, Lemmy genes--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, exactly.

ricky: I think you'll find...

steve: In there as well.

ricky: In there. But, uhm--

steve: Uhm--

ricky: Although, I'll tell you what, I- I share with Camfield a- a couple of loves. Uhm, I agree that one of greatest programs of all time is "Columbo".

steve: "Columbo" is brilliant.

ricky: It is amazing.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And they're- they're showin' 'em all. And there's so many channels showing them now. I think Granada Plus show them, I think BBC show them--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I think IT- they're- everyone's got a bit of it and it's--

steve: I think he's made, uhmm, 18,000 episodes, apparently.

claire: Are they still making them though?

steve: They keep turning up.

ricky: Uh, no, I th- no, they did in the nineties. They're not quite as good but I think the original ones, they're great, he's got this great character and I share that with him. I- you know, I do like a bit of rock. I- should we play Rush? Just "Spirit of the Radio"--

claire: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: I mean, we'll get- we'll get canned by people who like nu metal and Blur and that and those trendy bands- all that--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: The kids' bands and that but--

steve: And you think this is pure? Pure rock?

ricky: Yeah, I don't think this would feature in "X-Ray Magazine". They've got some great bands in them, they've got Gloop--

ricky: They got Demp, they got Flap Nibble coming out with their new single which is an EP--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And, uh, Strep, the early--

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Oh, excellent.

ricky: Not the- not the latest Strep--

claire: No.

ricky: The early Strep, the unrecorded years which is the only ones I like by Strep.

ricky: And, uh, that guy in it, you know the drummer Kibble?

ricky: He's gone, he's got his own- goin' on his own fringe, he- he's in for a chat--

ricky: Uhh, with Christian on the Breakfast Show where you could win a trip to O'Neill's in Camden.

ricky: This is Rush.

ricky: Rush and "Spirit of the Radio"--

ricky: Everything in that!

ricky: It's like, "Quick, let's put every type of music- okay go to reggae, into rock- okay, opera!"

ricky: "Opera! Go- go mental now! Go mental on the drums. Double that. Double the- how many- how many bass drums have you got?" "Just the one." "Go mental on it!"

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: "Right?"

steve: (Laughing Slightly) That is obscene.

ricky: That is- everything in that.

ricky: Isn't it?

steve: (Laughing) How long is it? About four and half minutes?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: It's crazy.

ricky: That's- that's lovely--

steve: They should def- people don't play music like that anymore.

ricky: That's onl- there's only three of 'em. I just think--

steve: Is there only three?

ricky: Yeah. Just, one day in Canada--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They just went, "Right, we might l- let's make- we're only gonna make one single--"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "So, let's put every type of music into that single."

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Into that- yeah. It's almost like a Stars on 45--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Version of music--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Of all-time.

ricky: Of- of every rock--

steve: Of ever music they've heard.

ricky: Exactly. Yeah. Good though, innit?

steve: Are they still going? Do they still play?

ricky: Catch- I don't know. I don't know. I've no idea. But that was for Camfield, that was Bad Company there and Rush for Camfield.... Columbo...

ricky: That was for Camfied as well.

ricky: "The A-Team". Do you remember once when we were talking about "The A-Team" and I was slaggin' it off on your show in the old XFM--

claire: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: And I was goin'- I mean, I quite like "The A-Team" but it is too- it's sometimes it's too far-fetched to enjoy without it being ironic or it being for kids and, uhm, I could- I could hear fuming from outside--

ricky: I could hear him going: (Breathes Loudly Through the Nose).

ricky: He didn't know who to call. He wanted to call Vance or someone or Lemmy, he didn't know- (Breathes Loudly Through the Nose), right? And then I- I- I said, uhm, "And if you can't find-", you know, "find the A-Team- out- they outwit the might of the FBI every single week but an old woman who's having trouble with her landlord can find them."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And the door burst open--

claire: (Laughing) It did!

ricky: And Camfield went, (Camfield Impression) "That is because Hannibal sometimes disguises himself as an elderly Chinaman!"

steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

ricky: And that was his explanation for the whole series!

steve: Yeah. Yup

ricky: Aww, that was for Camfield.

steve: Yeah, that's lovely. That's for his twelfth birthday which is coming around soon.

ricky: Yeah. Thirteenth.

steve: Oh, his thirteenth.

ricky: Yeah, he's thirteen now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

claire: Teenager, yeah.

ricky: Awww. He's gonna- he's gonna rock, Steve.

steve: Indeed.

claire: Oh, the phone's going! Play the ad break, I'll answer the phone!

ricky: Oh, that might be Karl!

claire: Ooohhh!

ricky: Well, here's a bit of a turn up for the books... Karl Pilkington on the line.

karl: (On the Phone) All right?

ricky: Yeah, where ya been?

karl: I'm off, ill aren't I?

ricky: Right... Okay, what's the matter with ya?

karl: Just, uhh- just a bit bunged up and that and got the shakes. Got that, sort of... that shakey thing you get.

ricky: Yeah, that's cuz you didn't eat last time when Suzanne was at work.

karl: Yeah, well I think that's what brought it on. Plus, she was away in the week and I put some wet jeans on.

karl: And that's- I think that's what's caused the problems...

steve: But what, did you put them on your head?

karl: No, they were just on the maiden and they- the legs felt dry but they were--

ricky: Just on the what? On the what? Have you--

ricky and steve: Got the maiden?

ricky: What was she doing there?

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: On the maiden that you put clothes on.

steve: What? Your clothes are on--

claire: Your clothes horse.

karl: On the maiden.

steve: Your clothes horse.

karl: Well, yeah.

ricky: Right. Okay, so you put wet jeans on, yeah?

karl: So, I- that's why I'm ill and that.

ricky: Right.

karl: I'm not havin' a good time, I've been watchin' the football...

ricky: So, you're just sittin' at home watchin' telly where you coulda been sittin' here.

karl: Well, I woulda been better off there cuz I've got a chair there!

karl: I've got no chair at home at the moment.

ricky: Why?

karl: Cuz I sold it last week.

ricky: Why did you sell a chair?!

steve: What, you only had one chair?!

karl: I've got no room for it! I was tellin' ya!

ricky: What?

karl: Look, can't we just, uhhm- I just was callin' up to let you know I was all right and that.

steve: We're not interested in that, we want to know about the chair.

karl: I sold it. I had a little two-seater and the- the- I sold it cuz I'm gettin' a new one but I've gotta wait another month. So, that's that.

steve: So, you've gotta sit on the floor for a month?

ricky: So, you've sold a chair before you had another one?

karl: Well, she might not have wanted to buy it in a- in a month or something... So I got rid of it whilst I could. She was a right bloody... We'll talk about that next week - the- the--

ricky: Oh, you're gonna be in next week?

karl: Yeah.

steve: I look forward to that, then. That's a dynamite piece of radio to tune in for--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The day Karl sold a chair.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: All right. Were you all right, then? Ya's doin' all right?

steve: Well, why did you take this long to call? We asked you to call since the very beginning--

karl: Yeah, cuz I was watching the--

steve: We've been phoning you. Why's your phone switched off?

karl: Yeah, I heard- I heard the beginning. I heard the beginning of the show, I thought, "Yeah, it's going all right. They're there and stuff." Turned it off. Ehm--

ricky: YOU TURNED IT OFF?!

karl: No- no, I put a tape in though because even though I'm ill, I'm still showin' an interest in it.

ricky: Well, you're not, if you're watching football and shakin'.

karl: Yeah, well, I'll listen back to it later so I hope you haven't been dissin' me.

ricky: No.

karl: Right?

steve: Definitely not.

karl: So, I've been watchin', uhh--

ricky: Don't listen back to it, it's not worth it, but we haven't been dissin' you, no.

claire: Nah, nah.

karl: And I've just been watching, uhh, a bit of football--

steve: Did you watch the monkey program last night?

karl: Yeahh.

steve: You told us to watch the monkey program, we all stayed in and watched the monkey program!

karl: All right, wasn't it?

steve: What's that?

ricky: Rubbish wasn't it? Obviously- obviously not half chimp, half human.

karl: Well... I mean, they missed out a lot of the- the interesting bits--

ricky: They didn't have any interesting bits.

claire: How does he know?

ricky: Those are the bits that you made up to make it more interesting.

karl: No, the bits- the bits that I told you about about three months ago before they decided to make the program.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What were the bits that you came out with?

karl: Well, they- they missed out the bits about, uhh, you know, the zookeeper...

ricky: Right, there wasn't a zookeeper, but yeah, go on.

karl: Well there was but they left that bit out.

ricky: Well... Okay, fine.

karl: And they left out the--

ricky: And they le- they left out the bit where it ran for mayor...

steve: I'll be honest, it--

ricky: In 1975?

karl: No.

steve: It turns out that those that did research, they actually went and filmed it, you read it on the internet.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Chances are that you're the one with the facts wrong.

ricky: Yeah, they- they- I- they- I think they also left out the bit when it jumped over three double-decker buses on a--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Motorbike.

steve: On Evel Knievil's motorbike.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: All right, then.

ricky: So--

steve: All right--

ricky: I can't believe it. I can not believe it. Not only do you not bother turning up but... you turn off the radio and start watching football.

karl: No! I- yeah, I turned it off but I've- I've recorded it, I'll listen back later and- and, sort of--

ricky: Well, what good is that?

karl: Sort of, I like to keep, you know- keep it in shape and that. I'll have a word next week.

steve: All right... If you receive any phone calls from people you don't know, we don't know anything about that.

steve: Incidentally. We don't know why...

steve: Why that is happening. That is just gonna be a weird spooky thing so...

ricky: And- and don't bother telling the story about, uh, "Men In Black II" either cuz I don't think people'll be interested. Uhhm--

karl: Awww--

steve: Actually, on the subject of "Men In Black II"--

karl: Steve, have you seen that?

ricky: What?

karl: Have you seen that, Steve?

steve: No I haven't, Karl. Tell me about it.

karl: Awww, you should see it.

steve: Go on. Why?

karl: Cuz there's this- there's this, uhm- there's this thing in it.

steve: Go on.

karl: Uhh...

steve: What, a stupid, bald Mancunian tosser?!

karl: No, weirder than that.

steve: There isn't anything weirder than that.

karl: It had big eyes, it was gangley...

steve: Keep talkin'.

karl: And, uhh, you've just gotta see it cuz you wouldn't believe how- the likeness and that. You should reconsider goin' out tonight.

steve: Right.

karl: Not as weird - it had a normal voice, all right? But...

ricky: (Laughing) He's done you and he's not even here!

steve: I'll tell you what, mate, it ain't worth comin' in next week.

karl: See ya later.

ricky: AWW! Awwww! Stay on the line, Karl. Play a record, Claire.

ricky: Kings of Leon, "Molly's Chambers". What'd you think of that, Karl?

karl: (On the Phone) All right.

steve: There's a surprise.

ricky: Oooh, I'll tell ya what--

steve: Another insightful remark.

ricky: Steve is not a- a fan now. Not only does he know you've been slaggin' him off behind his back--

karl: No, I wasn't slagging Steve. If you get it out on DVD tonight, you'll know I'm not slagging you off - it could be your brother. All right?

ricky: (Laughing) I love the fact that he- it makes it worse that he's thinking you're gonna go, "Oh, he wasn't slagging me off, it does look like me. I do think I'm an alien." I love the fact that you hope Steve will go, "He's got a point... It's the- it's the- nah, it's the spittin' image, yeah."

steve: I am- seriously, Karl, I mean, really angry. I'm so angry with you at the moment.

ricky: You haven't seen it yet.

steve: No, I know, cuz I know what it's gonna be and I'm just I am fumin'--

ricky: Why? What- what's--

steve: I'll tell you why I'm angry, because he doesn't do it in jest. He doesn't do it in jest.

ricky: Yeah, but what do you think it's gonna look like? What do you think this thing's gonna look like?

steve: Gonna look ludicrous. Not gonna look anything like me--

karl: No, honestly it does...

steve: But he's gonna pretend it does.

karl: Look like ya.

steve: Go on, what?! Go on!

karl: No, it does look like ya.

steve: Yeah, of course it does. And you look like the, uh, humanzee.

karl: Well, you know--

steve: I mean, to be honest you did, a bit, Karl. You walk like him, you're bald like him...

steve: You've got a, sort of, gormless face like him. Any more?!

karl: I don't smoke. That does.

karl: Anyway, I'm not arguing with you, I'm not well and that.

ricky: Aww, you're not well!

steve: What exactly is wrong with you? You whinger.

karl: Well, uh, it's just- do you, like, I always tell you about the, ehm, restless leg syndrome I've got?

steve: Yeah.

karl: It's like that but all over.

steve: So you're just shakin' around the house?

karl: I'm just- yeah.

ricky: What do you look like, Elvis? What are you doing, you're shaking around the house?

steve: I'll tell ya, with your bald head you probably look like an enormous vibrator.

karl: All right.

ricky: AWWW!

steve: That's what you probably look like... if you strip naked.

ricky: Aww, you'll have the Scottish widow coming 'round. Aww, dear.

karl: That's what's-her-name, by the way. I heard you talk about that. That's, uhm...

claire: Amanda Lamb.

karl: Amanda Lamb who's in the "Place in the Sun" program.

steve: Is she actually a widow?

steve: Is she a Scottish widow?

karl: Nah, just, uhh--

ricky: (Ridiculous Scottish Accent) HOOTS, mon! Me husband's dead!

ricky: (Ridiculous Scottish Accent) Do you want any moneh and a bit of me clam?

steve: Brilliant!

ricky: All right?

steve: That's the, sort of, uhh, quality you've missed out on today. Well, anyway--

steve: Are you gonna be back next week? I gaur- we- we- we need you back next week.

karl: Yeh.

ricky: Well how do you know?! That's- also how did you know you were gonna be ill today? Cuz you phoned and arranged this yesterday?

steve: Convenient.

ricky: And I spoke to you yesterday and you didn't sound very ill.

karl: Yes, I didn't seem bad but I felt ropey yesterday afternoon.

ricky: You got a bit of a bunged-up nose.

karl: Even though I was ill--

ricky: (Crying Baby Voice) Naahh, I have bit of a bunged-up nooose!

karl: Even though I was ill, I still sorted it out.

ricky: (Crying Baby Voice) Aaaaahhh. I'm a little bit shweaty.

karl: Yeah? Even though I was ill, I sorted it out.

steve: Karl, "sorting it out" does not mean phoning up Sturgess and sending her down.

ricky: That's not sortin' it out, that's making things worse.

ricky: Have you learnt nothing!

karl: Thanks Claire.

steve: If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

claire: It's alright, mate.

ricky: Yeah. (Crying Baby Voice) AAAHhh, I'm a little bit- my leg's a little bit achey. Ahhhehhhehhh!

steve: (Whining Child Voice) Ooohh, I'm wearing wet jeans!

ricky: (Crying Baby Voice) Oh, I put wet jeans on again! AHH! Oh me- oh, this onion wasn't- it was frozennnehhh!

karl: (???)

steve: Can you hear the venom and hatred in our- in our voices today? We're genuinely- are upset and angry with you.

ricky: Yeah. Can't believe it. I can not believe that you'd- I mean, awww.

karl: Right, well the thing is--

karl: We'll be back to normal next week, right. We've got "Billy Elliot"... doin' the film...

karl: Next week.

steve: Right.

karl: Uhh...

ricky: Any prizes?

karl: Got some good stuff.

ricky: Have you got any films with Burt Reynolds in to give away on VHS?!

karl: And we'll, uh- I'll see you then!

steve: Great. We're lookin' forward to it already.

karl: I'll see you later.

steve: All right.

ricky: See you later.

ricky: Hot Hot Heat, "Bandages", XFM. We're off, innit?

steve: That's it. It's all over.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Back next week.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Thanks Claire.

ricky: Bye.

steve: Total respect.

claire: Yeah. Yeah. Nice one.

ricky: Yesss.

steve: Keep it real.

claire: (Quietly) See ya.

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