XFM Vault - S02E32 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Placebo, The Bitter End, on Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, is both Stephen Merchant and Karl, the K- Man Pilkington.

steve: Ah-ha.

ricky: So… you’ve already got that, that’s safe it’s only four minutes past. You’ve had Placebo and you’ve got us three, s-so…

steve: You’re definitely going home with that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Whatever happens.

ricky: That’s safe, that’s – that’s on its way to the hospice.

steve: Exactly, you’ve banked that.

ricky: Yeah. Now, do you wanna gamble all that to go on and listen for another two hours – you could walk away now and you’ve - you’re up.

steve: Yeah. You’re up.

ricky: You’re up.

steve: You’re already up.

ricky: Right, that’s brilliant.

steve: You have not wasted any time.

ricky: Or… do you wanna gamble that against another two hours, it might be shoddy, it might go downhill, but it might get even better Karl, what do you say they do, listen for another two hours?

karl: ..yeah…

ricky: See, we shouldn’t have done that.

steve: We shouldn’t have asked Karl.

ricky: Ohh…

steve: ‘Cos a lot of ‘em now are already taking what they’ve got.

steve: And what they’ve got is great, Rick, what they’ve got is lovely.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They’re loving that, they’re gonna enjoy that.

ricky: We have got… Monkey News, we’ve got Cheap as Chimps – that’s not the same thing!

steve: A lot of people…

ricky: How many radio stations have got two ape related, simian features?

steve: Rick, can I point out now a lot of people are making that mistake, a lot of people are thinking that Monkey News is exactly the same as Cheap as Chimps.

ricky and steve: It’s not.

ricky: It’s not.

steve: Let’s keep that clear.

ricky: It’s not. It’s not. It’s in the same ballpark, but it’s, it’s n… it’s not the same.

steve: There are apes r – that are involved.

ricky: They’re involved, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. We’ve also got some great music… yeah, we’ve got an amusing sketch about a fly.

steve: Have we?

ricky: No.

steve: Aw, I was looking forward to that.

ricky: Ohhhh. And Mystique are dropping in.

steve: Let’s hope the Mystique ladies are coming in.

steve: Singing their new hit for us.

ricky: Yeah look, I wanna, I wanna kick off with a song, that is… you know you’ve got like, half a dozen posing songs that when you’re sort of like between fourteen and eighteen, they were the ones you’d put on to get ready to go out, or just posing round or, or be that pop star, or think you’re on stage or whatever, or in the video.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And embarrassingly, I reme… I jus… dug this out and I remembered I used to pose to this like a motherf…er when I was about fourteen, right. This is Street Life, by Roxy Music. You used to do…

steve: Mine was, uhhh… mine was Oops Upside Your Head.

ricky: Yeah, haha, yeah.

steve: It was just me, on the floor, in me bedroom. One day I thought, one day I thought there’ll be other people in this imaginary pose.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Elbows going everywhere.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Knocking over vases…

steve: Yeah. But then I remember later, it was Black Lace’s Superman, which is something similar, do you remember that? That was brilliant.

ricky: Well.

steve: Spray! Ski!

ricky: If you’ve, uh, um, out there in radio land, got any funny – funny jokes, then call in on…

steve: E-mail ‘em in, ‘cos we need some.

ricky: Aww.

ricky: Street Life. Roxy Music, off the Stranded album. That’s what I used to jump around to...

steve: What would you have been wearing while you were listening to that?

ricky: Umm. Well, probably, um, Brutus Gold jeans...

steve: Classy.

ricky: Ummmm... aw, uh, Green Flash... uh, pumps.

steve: Sure. Any socks?

ricky: Uh, oh, I would’ve had socks, yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um. I’d have probably been wearing the shirt my mum got me from Tescos, which was uh, which was again a Brutus shirt, and, uh, it had women in bikinis eating bananas.

ricky: On a chaise longue.

steve: Course it did.

ricky: Umm, so...

steve: What, lots of small ones? Or just one big one?

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah, lots of little small ones yeah, so uh, y’know, uh, uhhhh, so that was that.

steve: A trilby? Have you ever, have you ever toyed with the trilby?

ricky: I didn’t wear a trilby, no. I remember when I was, when I, I went on holiday about that time and I was about fourteen and my br... my older brother had this leather jeacket, and I was on the, I was on the beach, um... just, you know, in – in me shorts an’ that. And, uh, I went to get an ice cream or something, and I said ‘can I borrow your jacket’. And, uh, I put his jacket on, and I was cruising on the beach thinking, they are all looking at me.

ricky: Cos I looked so good.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I also had a, um, a straw Stetson.

ricky: And I really thought... yeah. I’m n – I’m turning into quite a man.

steve: Yes. I’m quite a catch.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Just thinking a little bit, just thinking they’re going, they’re looking, they’re going, who’s that dude? Is he American? Is it, hold on, is he, is he, come from some sort of rodeo?

steve: Wait a minute, I’m in a bikini, and I like bananas.

steve: I could be the woman for him.

ricky: Ahhh, dear. The...

steve: What was the... didn’t you have, the - a t-shirt or a jacket or something that you wore to university, that was pretty classy, didn’t it have like, some - some foul language on it or something? What was this?

ricky: Uh, yeah, I had, uh, when I was, uh, this was when I was eighteen, right, the Christmas or no, the birthday before I went to, uh, uh, university, I got two sweatshirts, one black, one red, had bullshit on them.

ricky: Just on the lapel.

steve: Just the word.

ricky: I like, and the red one, all my clothes, the first wash, everything was pink. All my white shirts, all my white socks of course, cos I just put it in there, I didn’t know.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. So, uh, so, I was a man at university, with all pink clothes except for a rather nice red sweatshirt with bullshit on it. Ohh, so, uh, again, turning into quite a man.

steve: Yes. Quite the man. Was that, was that, pre, or post the time you washed your clothes by getting in the bath, and...

ricky: That was pre. That was the second year, when I was in... I had to go in digs, I was in, had to go in halls of residence, so, I had a bath, and you had to sort of like, pay, for a bath, you know, so I thought two birds with one stone, I got in the bath with all my white shirts, cos I was going through a sort of look, you know, wearing a white shirt and tie, that sort of... David Sylvian, sort of...

steve: Mmhmm, mmhmm.

ricky: And, uh, uh, Daz. And I just wriggled around in it.

steve: Oh, God.

ricky: Washed myself. It’s quite a good exfoliate. Um. So, uh, yeah, I didn’t do it again. Cos it was v – sort of, not good for the skin, Daz.

steve: Quite sore, is it, around the sort of, the more intimate regions?

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. So there you go. Roxy Music and Street Life.

ricky: Karl.

steve: Thoughts?

karl: Um... I just was, just was working out time, really, just, we’ve got, we’ve got... well, last week we had a lot of stuff that we didn’t manage to cram in.

steve: Which was good.

karl: So I’m just looking at, we’ve got, we have got Cheap as Chimps coming. Uh, Songs of Phrase.

steve: Oh. We haven’t, we’ve forgotten about that.

karl: Try to win some stuff.

ricky: Why don’t we kick off with that, so we don’t forget it?

karl: What?

ricky: Cheap as Chimps or Songs of Phrase, or the film thing, we didn’t get the film done yesterday.

karl: We’ll do that, in a bit. We’ve also got a new feature, Cheeky Freak of the Week.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Incidentally, I should just point out now that, uh, someone has, uh, Ashley Phillips has e-mailed in, um because obviously with, uh, Songs of Phrase, what Karl does, for those that have not heard it, he takes a phrase that you might hear commonly on the show and then he uses various songs...

ricky: There’s this hairy Chinese kid.

steve: Was the one with...

ricky: You never see an old bloke eating a MAAAAARS baaaar.

steve: And, uh yeah, as I say, he uses different chunks of songs and he makes up that phrase and uh, so he has made some suggestions here, Karl. Uh, cause, he thinks that the more common Karl you’re an idiot, fool etc, perhaps is a little overheard. He’d like to, uh, maybe hear: ‘Karl. Pause. I don’t know where to start.’ Which is a common one from Ricky.

steve: ‘Karl, which bit of that do you actually think is true?’ And then there’s the regular dialogue between the three of us. Karl ‘Well you know, it could happen.’ Me ‘Sure, sure.’ Ricky ‘No no no Karl, it could never happen, not now, not ever, you’re an idiot, play a record.’ So maybe some of those you could use...

karl: It’s a lot of... it’s a lot of songs...

steve: Yeah.

karl: Well, will we get, will we get it going then...

steve: Alright.

karl: Today.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: This week, we’re uh, do you remember the story about me Auntie, having wind for five minutes?

karl: Yeah?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Your auntie, was it your auntie Nora?

karl: Auntie Nora. Umm, she was on a lot of medication and stuff.

steve: Sure.

karl: And I think that’s a side effect, that comes with it. So, um, yeah, she had wind for five minutes, so I thought we’d dig that one out. Classic line, uh... Me Auntie Had Wind For Five Minutes.

steve: Okay.

karl: So I’ve got loads of songs here.

ricky: How many is that?

karl: Uhm. Me. Auntie. ‘Ad. Wind. For. Five minu... seven tracks.

ricky: Ohh... God.

steve: That’s tricky.

karl: Got seven.

ricky: Why don’t you – when will you learn?

steve: Okay, so you need to identify, if you can be bothered, the artists?

karl: Yeah, the artists.

steve: That’s what we’re after, isn’t it?

karl: Alright.

steve: Okay.

karl: Alright, we’ll play it a few – play it a few times.

ricky: Just remember, as many as you can get.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Cos the winner was probably be, who gets five or something, so don’t worry if you’ve, there’s a couple you can’t get, cos you could still probably win.

karl: Can we go again.

ricky: Go on.

steve: No, it is good.

ricky: I... I...

karl: Just... a couple...

steve: Can I just, what’s the e-mail address?

karl: It’s, well if they go to xfm.co.uk/ricky, they can just send ‘em through there an’ that.

steve: They can... they can send them through that way. Which of these is the, uh, the prize bag?

karl: Yeah, don’t be getting them mixed up.

karl: Uhh... that one there.

steve: That’s, that’s the one is it, Karl?

karl: Yep.

steve: Alright, so let’s see what hot treats you could win, um. As I get them out, Karl, do you wanna play it once more?

karl: Yup.

ricky: I recognize... all of them, except... one.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Right, let me see what we’ve got here.

ricky: Or maybe two.

steve: Uhh, ho ho, once again, Karl, you’ve excelled yourself with an arbitrary collection of DVDs.

ricky: Just hanging round, were they?

steve: Just hanging around. Um again, I’m always interested to know which of our Xfm listeners, um, has tastes as broad as this.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Uh, we’ve got the recent BBC adaptation of the Hound of the Baskervilles.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Yeah, okay, fair enough.

ricky: That’s alright.

steve: We’ve got uh, what’s this, is this the, this is um, something involving Air, the band Air, I think it’s a single, at best. Now this is probably worth having, this is the current Flaming Lips album, so you’ve excelled yourself there actually Karl, that’s not bad. An Xfm mouse mat. They’re as...

ricky: Ooooooooooh!

steve: They’re as common as muck.

ricky: Hold on, a mouse... you can’t give away, that mouse mat, it’s a piece of foam.

steve: Now I was gonna dismiss the, um, the oddball sci-fi movie K-Pax, featuring Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges, but Karl, is it signed by Kevin Spacey?

ricky: It’s signed, it’s signed, yeah.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: It’s an actual...

ricky: So win that, and put it on eBay, for four pounds fifty.

steve: And, uh... man alive.

ricky: What is that?

steve: Just look at their faces.

ricky: Ohhh NO! Karl! Don’t give that, no-one wants that, unless it’s ironic.

steve: Series one and two, on DVD, of popular, Northern based sitcom, Bread.

ricky: Buy it, sell it, the games gettin’ ‘ard, cos someone’s dealing you a losing card.

karl: Alright.

ricky: They all had a go, all the actors had a line on that song. Ohh...

karl: Play the clips again?

ricky: Play the clips again, they really wanna win it now.

karl: Here we go.

ricky: I can’t believe this hasn’t been done before.

steve: It’s extraordinary.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Cos most of our ideas have.

ricky: Verve. Lucky Man, on Xfm 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

steve: The e-mails, I should point out, aren’t flooding in. On the competition.

karl: No, but it always takes time when they go through the website.

steve: Does it?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay.

karl: So they’ll be arriving in a bit.

steve: Do you wanna play it once more, for those that’ve just joined us?

karl: Alright then.

karl: There you go then.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: My auntie had wind for five minutes.

ricky: Brilliant. Genius.

steve: Name the artists. Rick, I, uh, sometimes, I sometimes um, get off at the tube at, uh Tottenham Court Road if I’m gonna – if I wanna look at the record shops before I come into Xfm.

ricky: Yep.

steve: And I, I always cut through Chinatown.

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: And every time I come to Chinatown, the same thought always strikes me. I always feel like I want to just gather all the little locals, all the little Chinese fellas, just gather them round, and just go... Guys, in what way is this a town?

ricky: It’s not, is it?

steve: This is not... at best, what you’ve got here, is a novelty street.

ricky: Yeah. Gerrard Street does not a town make.

steve: No! It’s not a town. You’ve had this little street for about a hundred years.

ricky: Just cos you’ve got a little pagoda.

steve: It’s not expanding.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: You can’t just call it Chinatown, and claim it’s a town.

ricky: If I was them though, and you’d done that, I’d go, I’d go, what, what, what you talking about? It is a town, it is a town, it’s our town.

steve: In what way?

ricky: It is a town. It’s our town, we’ve got all lots of stuff.

steve: Where’s your, where’s your church, where’s your mayor?

ricky: We don’t need a... we got a, got a betting shop.

steve: Not enough.

ricky: It is!

steve: You see, you, all you’ve got here, is restaurants.

ricky: No!

steve: That’s the...

ricky: No! No, no...

steve: That does not a town make.

ricky: No, no no no no, got a little supermarket with snacks.

steve: What does it sell?

ricky: Snacks.

steve: Specifically, I would imagine...

ricky and steve: Crackers.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Do you wanna buy a dragon?

steve: No.

ricky: Do you want to buy an ornamental dragon?

steve: If I, if I wanted to buy one, this is where I would go.

ricky: Do you want to buy a gold dragon?

steve: Is it made of gold?

ricky: No, it’s made of...

ricky and steve: Plastic.

ricky: But it’s sprayed gold. Do you wanna buy that?

steve: It’s not a town.

ricky: It is a town!

steve: It is not a town!

ricky: Yeah!

steve: And I j... it annoys me, cos when I first came to London, I genuinely though Chinatown was gonna be this amazing... like, you know, like... I mean, what they’ve got there is.

ricky: You can do whatever, you’d hear a gong, and...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Every time you went in there, right.

steve: And there’d be rickshaws... and, and people walking on those sort of, wooden shoes.

steve: You know those ones? They’re brilliant they are. Just clomping around in them. But nothing! It’s nothing, it’s just...

ricky: Hats?

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It just reminds me of um, have you ever been to any of those sort of museums, you tend to have em up North, where you’ve got like, you sort of sit in a little cart, and it sort of rides you through, kind of, I don’t know, it might be...

ricky: Newcastle in the year...

steve: The Victorian era.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah and they go... Can I have a, um, half a pound of those sweets, please?

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Of course you can.

steve: If there was some animatronic men, it would just be an exhibit.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Outside of a museum.

ricky: All their concession of it being a hundred years ago is that there’s some scales....

steve: Exactly.

ricky: In the shop. And there’s a horse outside.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That’s it.

steve: Yeah, that’s it. Exactly.

steve: Yeah. The traditional sounds and smells of old England.

ricky: And, and the voiceover going ‘Course there was no television.’

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Amazing.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Amazing. Brilliant, yeah. Uh...

steve: Haven’t they got one of...

ricky: Welcome to, krrrrrrrrrww!

ricky and steve: Chinatown.

ricky: Ohh...

ricky: So it’s not, yeah, that’s a good point.

steve: Is that a piece of traditional music?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is that some official, Chinese music, or is that music that someone in this country wrote? Thinking that it sounded like Chinese music.

ricky: I think it was the, uh, what was it, the Vapours, wasn’t it?

steve: Oh, is that what, is that...

steve: Cos it sounds sort of... that’s the music, isn’t it? But are you sure they didn’t take that from some other source?

ricky: Yeah, no, it is that, it’s that pentatonic scale isn’t it, what is it called?

ricky: The... well, it’s the...

ricky: It’s the black notes, on the piano.

steve: Right, that’s the one I can play along with Eastenders.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Do you know what I don’t get, with it?

ricky: Go on.

karl: Right.

steve: Chinatown?

karl: Yeah. Chinatown. Cos I always walk through it on the way to work.

steve: Mm.

karl: Couple of things annoy me. First of all, I think it’s bad business. Just because, if you’ve got a Chinese restaurant, put it somewhere where there isn’t any others.

steve: Yeah. That’s a good point.

ricky: Yeah but, it’s also a community, they’re, they’re not just a theme park for – for, for other people.

karl: Well, I ended up, I remember going out one night, with Suzanne and some friends, and you got there, and there’s so much choice, it’s that dilemma of, oh, forget it.

steve: Well, not really.

karl: And we went somewhere else.

steve: It’s specifically, do you fancy Chinese.

ricky: Well, no, but go...

karl: No.

ricky: Why didn’t you go to the one with the dead ducks hanging in the window?

ricky: That’s my favourite.

karl: Well that’s the other thing as well, it’s like, normally you put your good stuff in the window.

karl: If that’s what’s in the window.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: And the other thing that annoys me. Walking through it today. There’s always lard on the floor.

steve: What, in the street?

ricky: There is! It is.

karl: In the street.

ricky: It is, honestly. I’m scared I’m gonna slip over. It’s cos of all the restaurants, and that. But why is it, that’s another point...

steve: Well it’s not, it’s not oozing out of the restaurant.

ricky: No, but why is it, why is it?

karl: I don’t know what they do.

ricky: Shh, careful. Listen, no, but why is it?

steve: That’s why they used to wear those little wooden shoes.

ricky: No, okay, look, we’ve gone too...

karl: No, but the thing is as well, they try and wash it with water. Which doesn’t work with lard, and it’s like oil.

steve: Famously, yeah.

karl: Do you know what I mean, even I know that.

steve: Yeah. You’ve gotta scrub it.

karl: So...

ricky: You’d think that...

karl: Sorted that out.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You’d think they’d know, wouldn’t ya?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right.

steve: Anyway. Um... thanks for your thoughts on Chinatown, Karl.

karl: Right, I’m gonna play this thing again, cos it is a bit slow today, the e-mail.

ricky: Aw. Cos it’s too hard!

karl: It’s not too hard! There’s just clips of songs. What are the artists, e-mail in.

karl: Xfm.co.uk.

ricky: He’s getting annoyed, cos he’s put the work in and no-ones...

karl: Well...

ricky: He’s getting annoyed! Aw...

steve: Remember. I think Kevin Spacey, uh, and the signed K-Pax DVD is probably the only incentive to try and have a go at that one.

ricky: Just think you could win by getting one of them.

steve: Exactly.

karl: Here you are, they’re coming in now.

steve: They’re coming in now, okay. This is Electronic.

steve: Electronic, Getting Away With It.

ricky: Definitely. Do you reckon we’ll get away with it, you see, you’ve worried me now.

steve: Yeah, I dunno.

ricky: He’s worried me. Karl.

steve: My apologies, uh, if you were offended at all by my reference to those little wooden shoes.

steve: So, uh, don’t, we- that’s not gonna help, Rick.

ricky: Ohhh, dear.

steve: That, uh, that Chinese women, uh, used to wear, I don’t know if they still wear them.

ricky: Ohhh, dear. We will, we, we’ve only had, uh, one complaint, haven’t we, with the, we got the, the, from the Sonys that one uh, about, talking about the swan’s penis. But uh, you know...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Thing about complaints is, uh, people complain all the time, it’s whether it’s upheld, cos it goes from authority, and then they have to go ‘oh yeah look, that was, that was in poor taste, or... pre-watershed or, or...

steve: Some of the things you’ve said on TV though, you must have been stung.

ricky: I’ve, well see, I’ve, only had, again, I’ve only had one upheld, one serious slap on the wrist, for summat I said, but um...

steve: What did you say?

ricky: Uhh.

steve: Can you repeat it

ricky: Well I can gen – yeah. I was talking about – and it was a true story – I was talking about this little old man, who is, who’s um, daughter was taken into a home because he used to um, fry up bacon and rub it round his f – to get the dog to lick them.

steve: Right. And you got a complaint?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: What... and that was it, that’s, that’s why you got a complaint?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: What’s up with that?

steve: Well he said it on Songs of Praise.

ricky: They said – they said it was in poor taste, I suppose.

karl: What other complaints... what have...

ricky: You know the most um, you know the biggest complaint ever on TV, the most complaints ever for anything on TV was the showing of The Last Temptation of Christ.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Do you know the second? Here y’are, this is the second worst was, I think Anne Robinson, um, putting the Welsh into Room 101.

karl: What, cos, cos she didn’t like ‘em and that.

ricky: Yeah, she just said...

karl: Can un – can un...

steve: She said it slightly more eloquently than that.

ricky: Yeah, she, yeah. Yeah.

karl: I can und – the people or the place?

ricky: I don’t know, I think -

steve: I think it was the place, and therefore the people.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What do you mean yeah?!?

karl: No well, you know me mam and dad have sort of, uh, moved from Manchester, they’ve retired now in Wales, right.

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: And it is, uh...

ricky: Look at his FACE! Turning his nose up.

karl: No, but... it... it is pretty, depressing. D’you know what I mean, it’s just one of them places that... oh, it’s like you go back in time an’ that when you go there. I mean, maybe the major cities there, maybe Cardiff is alright.

ricky: What, even coming from Manchester it’s like going back in time?

karl: It’s just, uh, it’s like one of them places that, where, it feels like every day’s a Sunday. Do you know what I mean there’s, it’s just depressing, and grey, and slate everywhere and...

ricky: Lots of vicars walking around going ‘I’m late.’

karl: Well here y’are, here’s the sort of attitude they have, right. There’s – and this is true, cos me mam and dad live there an’ that, right – and they love it, it’s alright, it’s an healthy place to go when you get older an’ that. But, this, this is why they don’t move on. In Wales.

ricky: Well. Could - I’d just like to make another -

karl: No no no...

ricky: Sorry to any Welsh people listening, we’re not saying you don’t move on, Karl is.

karl: No, but -

ricky: Sorry about the little Chinese shoes again as well.

karl: The thing is it’s good that, in a way, they do do that, and they don’t wanta be like, you know, rushing about everywhere, cos, the way London is, isn’t that great either, is it either.

steve: Sure.

karl: Cos, it’s totally the opposite, ‘ere. So, I’m not, I’m not having a go. It is a bit dull. I think even people who live there will agree with me. Right. But, like, one of the shops that me mam and dad use, right, it’s only a little sort of, village-y type shop, uh, can’t be bothered staying open for hours and hours, right, because there’s not enough people use the shop.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So what you do is, uh, they get used to what you buy and -

ricky: They leave it out.

karl: They put it in a phone box outside.

steve: They put it in a phone box?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: So it doesn’t get wet.

karl: So me dad’s loving that.

ricky: What’s he doing?

karl: Once he found that out, it was like, brilliant.

steve: But that, how is that a bad thing, that’s brilliant.

karl: Well it’s not, for other people, it is for me dad, cos he’s picking up all sorts of stuff.

steve: Sure.

karl: Chickens...

ricky: Oh, NO, he’s not!

karl: Well, yeah.

ricky: He’s not nicking other people’s shopping.

karl: Yeahh, well, it’s not like nicking is it, cos it’s not their’s yet.

ricky: OHHHH! And you’ve stitched him up, on radio.

steve: Well of course, because -

karl: Yeah.

steve: They’re gonna think who’s that guy – whi – who is there in town, with a Manc accent, who hangs around a lot -

ricky: Who keeps – who keeps making phone calls.

ricky: And is getting fatter.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That’s terrible.

steve: You’ve stitched him RIGHT up there Karl!

ricky: I LOVE that, I LOVE that, that your dad was excited when he found out...

karl: Well...

steve: I CAN’T believe, I CAN’T believe that he’s moved there, he’s retired to this little village, where it’s based on trust, and community, and he’s abusing it, he’s using his scaly Manc ways...

ricky: (imitating Welsh accent) Bloody ‘ell like, there’s, there’s no bread again.

steve: There’s old women going hungry...

ricky: Was empty! Yeah...

steve: The cats aren’t getting fed... and your father is just, I can’t, that’s obscene. That’s obscene.

ricky: (still in Welsh accent) Ohhh. I think it’s Dai Thief. That fella from Manchester.

karl: I don’t even think they’ve got Sky there yet, have they. They can’t listen, they won’t, they won’t know what’s -

steve: I think you’ve stitched him right up. I hope you have actually, I hope he goes down for it. I hope he’s hounded out of the community like Frankenstein’s monster.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They should get burning torches, go up to his mansion...

ricky: Set fire to his, set fire to his cottage.

steve: Yeah.

steve: Exactly.

karl: Right, well, uh...

ricky: He’s out of the choir.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Bit of Streets?

ricky: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

ricky: Feeder. Forget About Tomorrow.

ricky: Right... listener... I'm talking to you now, um, have you seen these posters around with me and Steve on them, right? It's embarrassing, right. We were mucking around at a photo session and XFM wanted to do some posters. We couldn't be bothered to do it again so we let 'em have this one. Irony comes back to haunt ya and it's looks like I think I'm Simon Temple or summat. And Steve's alright. But WE think that Karl should be in it.

steve: Definitely.

ricky: Karl doesn't wanna be in it, but it looks like everyone listens to this show for-for Karl's, basically, innocent stupidity and some great tracks.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: They don't listen for us anymore, Steve.

steve: No.

ricky: So I think there should be a campaign to get Karl on the poster.

steve: Yeah. Well I should point out that I think XFM are more than happy to have him on the poster.

ricky: So it's just him?

steve: You don't wanna be on there do you?

karl: There's no, there's no need for me to be on it.

steve: Of course there is.

ricky: Why not?

steve: I've got so many emails here as I'm sat during the show reading them. So many emails saying "What does Karl look like? I want pictures of Karl."

karl: Well, if they go to, if they go to xfm.co.uk/ricky, we've got those film bits on there, those video mockups where I'm part of it and you can sort of see it on there.

steve: It's not enough, Karl. People wanna see your face, you're part of the show. You're an intrinsic part of the show.

karl: Nah.

ricky: Yeah. We'll get, we'll get you on the poster.

karl: Nah...

ricky: Why?

karl: It'll be too much on a poster, they can only take in so much.

ricky: What do you mean?

steve: They can only take in so much?

karl: Yeah, it's good with two people.

steve: No.

karl: It's enough.

ricky: So what do, what do groups do then?

karl: Well, they haven't-

steve: It's like Ringo Starr is being left off the cover of Sgt. Pepper.

ricky: Yeah. Or, or, um, Rutherford doesn't get in a lookin' with Genesis.

steve: Exactly. Which would be outrageous.

ricky: Yeah. Also, or, "Sorry Tony Banks you can't be in this one."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Just me and- See, you look like Phil Collins so you've gotta be in there.

karl: I don't, I don't photograph that well either.

ricky: You're jokin'. Is it 'cause the shine, you look like a little cue ball? Just shines off the top?

steve: A lot of people, as well, I- you should dispel the myth, a lot of people, for some reason, think that you're fat. A lot of people say to me, "is he fat?"

karl: No, but that's because I haven't got much hair so it looks like me head's big.

steve: No, they haven't even seen you. They just think from listening to the show that you're fat.

ricky: That's 'cause you're a Northerner. They think you just eat chips and complain about the weather.

karl: Well...

ricky: Complain about the South.

steve: I just think you could answer a lot of people, a lot of your critics.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But then, but then, you see, what I don't like about this world is a lot of people judge people on the way they look.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Oh.

steve: Like you do.

ricky: If, if only more people thought like that Steve.

steve: But Karl, you judge people on the way they look.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, I know. That's what I mean, but I couldn't with me, could I? 'Cause I don't know what I look like.

steve: What?

karl: If I was listening to me on the radio I wouldn't be able to say, "oh, he's a...", ya know? And slag me off an' that, 'cause I don't know what I look like and I quite like that. D'ya know what I mean?

ricky: I'm lost.

steve: I don't know what you're talking about.

ricky: Absolutely lost.

karl: Just-just believe me, right? I'm right on this one. It's best if you leave it.

ricky: Well, we're not gonna leave it. We're gonna get you on the poster.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And mainly after seeing myself on videotape this morning. That's put me off.

ricky: Oh, oh, I showed him, um, uh, you know, uh, the "Animals" show I did? The show? I did a video and I did behind the scenes footage and I've got a, uh, you've seen it haven't you?

steve: There's a little bit of Karl on there isn't there?

ricky: It's great, he's lovely. He can't believe it. He said "Is it playing slow?" 'Cause he's so slow when I come into the office, he's going "Alright?" It- that's how you talk.

karl: And me head, as well. I look like I'm looking into a spoon.

karl: I'm not happy with it.

steve: I just think that if we're willing to-to-to, if Ricky's willing to use his celebrity profile for the sake of the show.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'm willing to look like, uh, ya know, let's say, a fairly handsome kinda cool customer. I think, at least, the very least, Karl is that you appear on there as well.

karl: Hmm.

steve: You could dress up.

ricky: Are you worried that you'll look the worst out of all three of us?

karl: Uh... Who am I standing next to?

karl: Am I standing next to Steve? I'm fairly confident.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I like the way it's so predictable. You pull the string 'cause you know what it is.

steve: You pull the string.

ricky: I know. Oh, what were we talking about before? Oh, I was gonna tell you, yeah. You know the, the most complaints ever, The Last Temptation of Christ?

karl: I haven't seen it.

ricky: Well, was it, it was Scorcese wasn't it?

steve: It's Martin Scorcese and I-I bought the film recently, actually, 'cause I was intrigued to see it, but I've not actually watched it. But from what I understand, the reason that it was so outrageous is because it has a whole sequence which shows what it would be like if Jesus had lived his life and not martyred himself on the cross. But lived his life as a human being, part of which is, you know, having sex and, uh, so I think that was chiefly what the outrage was. That it was showing this godly man to be, you know, a human as he was supposedly. 'Cause he was supposed to be human, as well. So, uh, so that's the reason. That's the reason there was complaints there, I don't know, I haven't seen the film,

karl: You see him, do ya?

steve: Do you see him having sex? Yeah.

ricky: Although it is an actor, Karl. I just wanna point out.

steve: It's a depiction of Jesus Christ.

ricky: It's not the real, it's not the real Robert Powell.

ricky: It's an actor playing Robert Powell.

karl: You see sex on films and all that, right? When I was growing up-

ricky: You were gay?

karl: No. I'm just, just saying an example of this really.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Right? When I was growing up as a kid and I'd be watching films with me dad, right? He'd really be enjoying a film, right? And then a sex scene would happen.

steve: Right.

karl: And he'd go-

ricky: On film? Or just behind ya?

karl: On film, a sex scene would happen.

steve: Your brother up to his old tricks again.

karl: And he'd get up and go make a cup of tea, right?

steve: Right.

ricky: Typhoo? That he'd stolen from some sort of telephone box?

karl: And like, even recently he'll, he thinks it ruins a film. D'ya know what I mean? 'Cause there's no need for it to happen is there? Really?

steve: Yes.

karl: Why?

steve: Sometimes it's warranted. If the film itself is fundamentally about-

ricky: Yeah. Some films it isn't though. Some films it isn't.

steve: Well, of course. Some films it's arbitrary.

ricky: I think the films that, um, him and his dad watched together on Channel 5, um.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Probably like- Is it only on Channel 5 in your house?

steve: Yeah, if you're watching you know, I don't know, late night Friday night, you know-

ricky: From 1983!

steve: Illegal Briefs.

steve: A beautiful lawyer has to defend a man who may be a killer. She falls in love with him, but does she know the real man?

ricky: Oh... oh dear.

karl: You know what I mean though?

steve: Lest we forget, of course, that I-

ricky: Love Heat.

ricky: With the bloke that is now in- Go on.

steve: You know, of course, that I, according to the Internet Movie Database, I once appeared in one of those films. In the film, Killer Image, a Canadian film, I believe from 1989. According to that computer, uh...

ricky: It's all wrong, innit?

steve: It's all wrong.

ricky: It's all wrong!

steve: Of course it is, yeah. Apparently I was in that film and I played the role of Kirk.

ricky: Was it a porn thing?

steve: No, no, no. I think it was just an erotic thriller, I suppose.

ricky: Alright. You only had a very small part though didn't you?

steve: Indeed.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But, no, do you know what I mean? Sometimes you don't need to go that far. Say like in this Jesus program, right?

steve: Film.

karl: What was it called?

steve: The Last Temptation of Christ.

ricky: Jesus. Like talking... you know what? What's his name, is it Ralph in The Simpsons?

steve: Yes.

ricky: "I drawed a kitty cat". It's like talking to that.

steve: Yeah.

karl: No, but right there's this Temptation thing, right?

steve: Do you know the- Do you know, often, we don't get many complaints on this show? We don't get that many complaints and I think that's 'cause either there's no listeners or b) it's because most people agree with Karl. And that terrifies me.

ricky: I know. Or they let him off 'cause it's like, you know, you can plead insanity. You can go mental and kill a few people and they go, "oh he's, he's a bit backward."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Was it because, like they're saying that he was having it away or is it because you saw it? What got the complaints?

steve: The complaint was the very suggestion.

ricky: The suggestion. It was a blasphemous thing, not the fact that you saw an actor's knob.

karl: So what about if they just cut it down a bit and you like saw the little stable door closing?

steve: It wasn't the baby Jesus having sex! It was the grown man!

ricky: The stable door shutting!

karl: No, but do you know what?

steve: It's not the Nativity scene!

ricky: Ah! That is brilliant! That is-

steve: The Wise Men saying, "I can't believe we brought myrrh. We should've brought condoms."

ricky: It's like- oh yeah. Yeah. "They're 2-for-1 aren't they, in Booth's?"

steve: "What were we thinking? Frankincense?"

karl: It's just that it's always awkward innit?

ricky: Should we apologize now to the Christian church as well? Sorry to little Chinese fellas, uh, little Welsh fellas, and the little Christian fellas.

karl: We haven't said anything wrong.

ricky: No. No.

karl: It's like, you see, when I was going-

steve: The stable door. I like the idea that in Karl's world he was born in a stable and just thought, "well I like this place. I'm just gonna stay here the rest of my days."

ricky: This is good here. Oh, brilliant.

karl: But when I was watching telly with me mam and dad. It still happens now, right? Me dad will sort of go, "Oh, ruined. Good film ruined." Right? If some sex scene happens.

steve: But why doesn't he just-

ricky: But what are we talking about sex scenes? Are we talking about kissing or are we talking about, um, penetration and looking at the camera? Going "Are you enjoying this Pilkingtons?" What are we talking about? What is the, sort of, extreme levels we talking about?

karl: Right. Last time I was down there, right?

ricky: Yep.

karl: Um, what was it? Uh, Meet, Meet Joe... Meet Joe Black.

steve: Meet Joe Black.

ricky: Meet Meet Meet Joe Black is a terrible film. Yeah.

karl: Uh, there was- a good film. And then, you know it's gonna happen, 'cause like the music comes in. Brad Pitt's keeping quiet, a woman's eyeing him up. So-

ricky: I love that!

karl: Me mam's worked it out already and she's going, uh, "Anything on the other side, love?"

ricky: She knows, she knows?

karl: She knows it's, ya know, something's uh-

ricky: So you could be enjoying a film and you can be an hour and ten in and some Spidey Senses of one of them can go "Should we turn it over?" and the other one goes, "Yeah, alright."

steve: Are you sure it's not them protecting you from scenes of sex? So they're, what they're thinking is, "What if Karl gets the idea to have sex?"

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "That could lead to procreation, we don't want anymore like him."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "We've-we've got to end the line here.

ricky: You sure it's not the doctor, keep calling up going, "You are keeping him away from women aren't you?"

steve: Yeah. Exactly. He must never found out how it's done.

ricky: Are you sure they're not embarrassed 'cause they're watching a sex scene with their son?

karl: It happens every time, right? There's two things that me mum does, right? It's that, if there's a sex scene on the telly she will go, uh, you know, "Anything on the other side, love?" Uh, and the other thing she always says, if ever there's anything on the telly with Elvis in it she goes, "Oh, I like him." And we're all sat there, we know what she's gonna say next. So, we don't even bother saying "why?". And she goes, uh, "He liked fat, ugly people."

steve: He what?

karl: "He liked fat, ugly people." He didn't always go for like the good-looking fans in the crowd.

steve: What, Elvis did?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Right.

karl: That was always the thing and-

ricky: I'm sorry, now, hold on. I-I don't know what we're doing now with our lives, Steve. Wait, wait a minute, right. So, your mum says two things, right? She either says-

steve: "Is there anything else on the other side?"

ricky: "Is there anything else on the other side?" or "I like Elvis." There's a pause 'cause you know what she's gonna say next. She says, "He liked fat, ugly people." How often does this occur?

karl: Well, because they've got, like, you know, Sky. There's a lot of those channels on. They like the music channels so Elvis always comes on. There's either an Elvis film, there's like a classic hit by him.

ricky: And she'll go, "I like Elvis. He liked fat, ugly people."? And what do you mean he like fat, ugly people?!

steve: Is she a fat, ugly person?

karl: Because there's that, there's that special Vegas show, isn't there? Where he's dancin' about, right? And he's got loads of scarfs around his neck.

ricky: Towels.

karl: Yeah. And like, he always hands them down to the fat, ugly ones.

ricky: Right.

karl: And I always say it's because they're the fat, you know, they've got a sweaty face, they can't, you know what I mean?

ricky: I don't know what world they live in!

steve: I don't know how we go on to this subject!

ricky: What sort of world? What do you mean fat, ugly ones? You mean, they're in the front row and they're sweating a lot 'cause they're, uh, a bit chubby.

karl: She thinks, you know, he's giving them a towel, cause-

ricky: He's really going, "Wipe your face, you're putting me off. You fat cow. Stop sweating near me."

karl: There's another one.

ricky: What?

karl: So, hairy Chinese kids.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Jesus.

ricky: We haven't slagged off hairy Chinese kids. We slagged off Chinese- we didn't slag anyone off. We just said they really haven't got a town, as such. And they wear shoes. What did we say?

steve: Little wooden shoes.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I just don't know how we go on to Elvis and big, fat, ugly women. I don't know where we- I don't know how we got from The Last Temptation of Christ.

ricky: Did you see?! Did you see that fat, um, girls in Feeder's program.

karl: Tell him in a minute.

ricky: What?

karl: Tom Petty first.

ricky: Oh, brilliant. This is a great song. Breakdown by Tom Petty.

steve: How many other radio shows have talked about The Last Temptation of Christ, Chinatown, fat, ugly women.

karl: In sixty minutes.

steve: Exactly. Incredible. Sony award winning.

ricky: Turin Brakes. Painkiller. On XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant AND Karl Pilkington.

steve: I should point out now, Rick, that the general consensus from the, uh, the listeners is that Karl should definitely be on the poster, obviously.

ricky: But, I know that. I know that. Right, of course they should and they're right.

steve: I've got an interesting email here and it just says, um, "I'd love to see Karl on the poster, especially as I'm watching him on the webcam today and wearing that shirt, doesn't he look like Charlie Brown?"

steve: He looks just like Charlie Brown from the Peanuts cartoons.

ricky: Oh my god.

steve: That's it, from now on whenever anyone asks me what Karl looks like.

ricky: He does look like Charlie Brown. Oh, I-it's great because Charlie Brown has got that- you've got less features than Morph. It's just a round head and there's human aspects. It's just the bare minimum. When I draw a cartoon of him it's so easy. Oh.

steve: Yeah.

karl: The thing is, right. If I go on the poster this is what I'm worried about. Where do you go from there?

ricky: What'd you mean?

karl: Well, it's difficult, innit? D'you know like before you were talking about the complaint that a TV channel got about some fella putting bacon, yeah?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That was me.

karl: Yeah you were talking about it.

ricky: Yeah I didn't put the bacon on. I was talking about it, yeah, and it got a complaint, yeah.

karl: Right. Now he had to do that to get a kick, yeah?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Where do you go from there? And it's the same for me, on a poster. Once they've seen me.

steve: Yeah and we get sued by the estate of Charles M. Schultz.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: For using you without copyright. His most popular creation.

ricky: Oh.

karl: It's just that, if people don't know it keeps them interested. They don't need to know what I look like.

steve: They're not tuning in every week on the off chance that we'll-

ricky: They're wondering what you look like.

karl: Yeah, but the one's who are, it just keeps 'em.

ricky: It won't let them down, though, when they see your picture, it won't let 'em down, it won't be a let down.

steve: It's exactly as it should be.

ricky: Yep.

karl: We'll leave it. Anyway, competition, yeah?

steve: Right, let's get the answers to this out of the way. Songs of Phrase.

karl: Songs of Phrase, uh, just in case you've just tuned it. It's a new feature we've been doing, uh, we take songs and then chop 'em up, and that, and, uh, it's a phrase that's cropped up on the show a few times. This week, we're going back to the classic "Me auntie had wind for five minutes."

ricky: Going back to the classic...

karl: And uh, let's uh, let's have a listen.

steve: Is this it? Okay.

karl: Yep.

karl: Right, so what you had there is, you had The Knack.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: With M-M-M-My Sharona.

steve: Sharona, uh-huh.

karl: Uh, "Auntie" was some Manson track.

steve: What? You don't even- you don't even know what it was.

karl: Uh, um. Anti-Everything, I think it's called, some album track, right? Then you had Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. I've had the time of me life.

ricky: Yep.

karl: You had Bob Dylan.

ricky: Wind. IIIIdiot Wind.

karl: With Blowin' In The Wind.

ricky: Oh, Blowin' In The Wind, was it?

karl: Uh, what was after that? "For"... "For" was, um, 2-4-6-8 Motorway.

steve: Well, not "for" was Bob Dylan.

karl: 2-4-6-8 Motorway.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Tom Robinson.

karl: Tom Robinson, yeah. That was the "for". Then you had the "five" from Manfred Mann. 5-4-3-2-1. We wrapped it up with a bit of Five Star.

steve: Yep.

karl: "Minute". Something about, uh-

ricky: Can't wait...

karl: Yeah, can't wait, yeah.

ricky: Can't wait another minute!

karl: Yeah. So, there're the answers. Well, we're looking for someone who, I don't think anyone who had 'em all right.

steve: Nobody got all seven. Although, in your little answer list you only listed six 'cause you got your numbers- went out of sync in your own brain. Well done, once again, smooth. Tell you what Karl, why don't you, next week, at least write down the answers for yourself.

karl: Don't need to.

steve: Well, you clearly do, 'cause you've embarrassed yourself.

ricky: Don't need to! You've proved that you do.

ricky: Fine.

steve: Right, anyway. Well, well done, I'm gonna give it to, uh, Paul Tier, PJ Tier, because he got five of the seven correct.

ricky: Well done.

steve: And so he gets-

ricky: He's getting that signed Kevin Spacey DVD.

karl: Right, if you can just email us your address as well and, uh, get them off to you today.

steve: Alright.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: That's what you're dealing with.

ricky: So you've done that, you've done that competition, that's been put to bed.

steve: Let's have a great tune, Rick, and then what else have we got? Have we got some Monkey News?

ricky: We've got some Monkey News.

karl: We've got Monkey News.

ricky: We've got Cheap as Chimps.

karl: We're doing the film thing.

steve: Right.

ricky: The film thing. What film is it this week?

karl: Silence of the Lambs. You can be owning that by 3 o'clock on VHS.

ricky: Is it about 4.99? Is it?

karl: Ehhh, about.

ricky: 20th Century Boy. Come on, Marc, some people want a 21st century boy these days.

ricky: Marc Bolan there a little bit out of date. On XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl PIlkington. Right, it's that time again, innit? Monkey News!

karl: Yep. Monkey News.

ricky: Monkey Monkey News.

karl: Right. If you're a new listener, this is where we do a bit of monkey news.

ricky: Oh, imagine him given the chance on a news program. Like News Night Review or News at 10. Over to Karl Pilkington. "Yep, alright? Monkey's gone mad again." Go on.

karl: Right. Well, we've done quite a lot of good stuff. The one that sort of picked up most of the fuss was probably Ollie the Monkey.

ricky: I love the fact that they're all monkeys. He's a chimpanzee!

karl: Well...

ricky: An ape!

karl: Well, today, right? We're looking at one that's, uh, called Coco.

ricky: Oh yeah. The sign language one.

karl: Well, what I've read about him is he speaks, right?

ricky: Oh god.

karl: Highly educated.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Photographer.

ricky: Oh, Karl! Karl!

karl: Right?

ricky: I love that fact that when he gets, you know, a gifted ape, he has to look up to it.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: He realizes that he is superior. I love that. Oh.

karl: And, uh, it also likes going on computer chat rooms.

ricky: I can't take this anymore, Steve! I'm gonna be sick. Oh god.

karl: Right? That's pretty amazing.

steve: You know if an infinite number of monkeys are in an infinite number of chatrooms they'll eventually type "Which is your favorite episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?"

ricky: Exactly, yeah. "Karl Pilkington, you're an idiot."

karl: But the thing is, right, you're saying about the-the infinite thing again, about monkeys. If you put 'em in a room with a typewriter they'll come up with Shakespeare.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I'd sort of agree with that, right? With monkeys who can't do other stuff, but this one, I reckon's, gonna be busy taking pictures and stuff.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I think monkeys that are boring-

ricky: Is there a boring monkey? Is there? Would you ever have a chimp and you'd go- Suzanne would go "I bought you a birthday present" and you open it up and it's a chimp. It's a chimp fella. He's about, you know, about, sort of like a middle-aged chimp.

karl: No, no. I'd love it. I'm talking about the-

ricky: Would you ever go "Suzanne that one's boring"?

karl: No, no. But I bet the monkey would get bored of me. D'you know what I mean? The monkey would be bored, I'd be lovin' it. I'd love to have a little monkey. Right? But what I'm sayin' is-

ricky: You really would, wouldn't you?

karl: Yeah.

steve: If you buy him a camera, he'd be happy again, wouldn't he?

karl: Well, yeah but that's just it. You wouldn't get in- it's like, if you can do other stuff, you don't wanna do the boring stuff.

ricky: Forget the typing! Forget the monkeys typing! Talk about this monkey that's a photographer, what are you talking about?

karl: Yeah, but we are in a way. I'm just saying that that would be happier. Monkeys that have got nothing else to do, if they can't take pictures and that, and they can't go on chat rooms.

steve: They're happy to sit in a room typing away.

karl: Typing away.

steve: For infinity, yeah.

karl: But do you know what I mean?

steve: But he's got, maybe, a little exhibition to put on.

karl: Do you- do you think-

ricky: Do you know most- do you know that most chimps and apes and monkeys still actually just live in trees? These are in laboratories and zoos and things. You know that that's not the norm? These- these monkeys.

karl: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Walking 'round, sort of, chatting and riding bikes.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know that's not natural?

karl: No, I know but it's-it's-

ricky: If you left a bike in the jungle and then came back a few years- there wouldn't be monkeys riding 'round on it and a book. If you left a bike with a book in the basker, right? And you went away for ten years and you came back, there would be a whole new transport system and schools.

steve: No.

ricky: They'd eat it. They'd throw it 'round and eat it.

karl: Alright then. So what you're saying is you can't- see what I think is, right? And don't thank this the wrong way, and that, right? Stephen Hawking.

steve: Yes.

karl: RIght? Now, he had a bad illness.

ricky: A bad illness.

karl: Now I wonder if he'd be- I wonder if he'd be as bright as he is if he didn't have that.

steve: Right.

karl: Because he's had time to sit down, he's like "well, what can I do?"

steve: Yeah.

karl: You go and give him a book. And he read it, I like that. He's another one. He's got a lot of time on his hands.

steve: Yes.

karl: Now what I'm saying is monkeys, yeah?"

steve: Right.

karl: They- that- this one here, Coco, which, I think, was a gorilla.

steve: Right.

karl: Right. That wouldn't have been happy on a little keyboard, doing that all day. 'Cause he'd be like "well I could be out taking pictures."

steve: Sure.

ricky: Play a record!

steve: Yeah.

karl: D'you know what I mean?

ricky: Play a record!

steve: Yeah.

karl: Done.

ricky: You're an idiot!

steve: There it was. There's the catchphrase. Once more?

ricky: He is! He's an idiot!

steve: Sure. Sure.

ricky: Athlete. El Salvador. On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, the- the- the amazing Steve Merchant, and the incredible Karl Pilkington. Alright?

karl: Alright.

ricky: Right, we've done that. Monkey News. Right, straight. Let's- let's hit 'em dead. Let's go straight with Cheap as Chimps, Karl.

karl: Right, well. This- this- this- we'll probably be finished today, to be honest. Alright? 'Cause I- what have we looked at Cheap as Chimps? We've found out that-

ricky: They eat one banana. Next! Go on. Do this one.

karl: They eat one banana a day, and that.

ricky: Yep. That's it. Brilliant.

karl: So what I'm-

ricky: It was a long running feature. Go on.

steve: What- sorry, can I just ask again, what are the rules with Cheap as Chimps?

karl: It's just, you know, if you wanted a chimp. How much would it, sorta, cost ya?

ricky: Brilliant.

ricky: Title come first?

karl: So, yeah. As always, that's the way to do it. Alright? Uh, Cheap as Chimps. I thought I'll go online and see, you know, if I could buy one.

steve: Mhm.

karl: Um, how much do you reckon?

ricky: Six thousand pounds.

steve: To buy a chimp?

karl: Yep.

ricky: Oh no, ridiculous amount. What- what- where can you buy them from? What sources? You shouldn't be able to buy 'em.

steve: EBay.

ricky: What do you mean, buy a chimp? From who?

karl: There was this website that was selling stuff.

steve: What you could actually-

ricky: What- what are you talking- what are you talking about?

karl: Right, here we go then, right? I looked at it. Here's some of the other animals that were on there.

ricky: No, no. Wait a minute. Uh, uh are these poachers?

karl: I dunno.

ricky: What, they're zoos that got bored with 'em? What? Where can you buy a chimp?

karl: I can't- I don't wanna give it a plug.

ricky: Right. Go on then.

karl: So there's this website, right?

steve: So what are the other animals available?

karl: Right. Well, I'll give you some prices for the other animals and you can try and work out if it's Cheap... as Chimps. Right? So, uh, right. A camel? What do you reckon?

ricky: Uh, twenty-five thousand pounds.

karl: Right. Eight thousand dollars for a camel, alright?

steve: Uh huh.

karl: Sloth?

ricky: Forty quid.

karl: Three thousand dollars.

ricky: Right.

karl: Last one. Bengal tiger.

steve: Oh, that's gotta be pricey. Twelve thousand dollars.

karl: One thousand, eight hundred dollars.

steve: What?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Karl, this is an awful website. That can't be true, mate. That's awful.

karl: So, a chimp?

ricky: Five thousand dollars.

steve: I'm gonna go with, um, one thousand dollars.

karl: Fifty-five thousand.

steve: What?

karl: Yeah.

steve: That doesn't make sense.

karl: It's mad, innit?

steve: Yeah.

karl: So...

ricky: But I don't know why- I don't know what to say 'cause this is rubbish anyway. What website can you buy- okay, get me a tiger, here's a grand. Get me a tiger.

karl: Well, I don't know.

ricky: You're an idiot.

karl: Postages and packages and-

steve: Sorry. So, where does the Cheap as Chimps element come in?

karl: Well, that's sorta-

steve: I thought you were supposed to shout out "cheap as chimps!" at the end.

karl: Well, it isn't. That's why I wanna finish the feature.

steve: I don't know what- why is this cheap as chimps?

ricky: Oh, we're not- oh, this is amazing. This is amazing broadcasting.

karl: So.

ricky: We're up for a Sony Award, aren't we? How could that- I hope they're listening 'cause, it's ours.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: With features like Cheap as Chimps ending, 'cause they're not!

steve: It's in the bag, Rick.

ricky: And do you remember, do you remember "here's Athlete?"

ricky: Can't stop, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Well I got news for you, boys, I don't wanna stop ya.

ricky: I love your funk-rock fusion. Word of warning: no nudity, repeat, no nudity at this gig.

steve: I do like you, I think you should host the whole show like that. I think it's lovely that- have you ever done any, uhm, like, DJ'ing, like proper DJ'ing, like in a pub or a club...

ricky: Well, uh-

steve: ...cause I know Karl had his own- I had my own disco when I was a kid.

ricky: Yeah, not prop- I had a gig once when I had to- it was, uh- two nights a week in a local pub. Just the two decks. It was in a suitcase, you know that sort off all-in-one-thing...

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: ...and they just wanted the same records. They wanted, uh, Rod Stewart, 'Baby Jane', they wanted, uhm, about quarter to eleven, they were all drunk, they wanted Don McLean's American Pie, which they all sang along to...

steve: 'course. Yeah.

ricky: Uptown Girl they liked.

steve: Right.

ricky: Yeah. I didn't used to do the talking at all.

steve: Did you do the patter?

ricky: No.

steve: Cause I never had to, had to to the patter.

ricky: No, 'cause I just- I just don't understand it- I just love those wedding, sort of DJ's, that- they have to give you extra information.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They can't just play a song, they have to say things like, [smooth DJ voice] "Ooohh, all the way back there and the Commodores, Easy."

ricky: It's sort of like, they have to tell you something.

steve: But who's listening?

ricky: Who's listening? They're just going, "Play the next record!"

steve: It's a wedding!

ricky: A wedding, yeah.

steve: It's the idea that, what, there's like a kind of- there's like the control room for a local radio station listening, that just happens to be at the wedding, thinking, "Hang on".

ricky: "Hold on, he's played a record, but he's got extra information.

ricky: They should do useful things at a wedding. Like, uhm-

steve: Yeah yeah yeah.

ricky: [smooth DJ voice] "Will the overweight aunt in the purple dress please now take the floor with a little unfortunate kid...

ricky: ...and let him hop around."

steve: "As the dance floor is currently empty, will any eight-year-old boys wearing those tiny tuxedos please slide across the dance floor on their knees...

steve: ...until they are taken home and put to bed early."

ricky: Oh, I went to one once, and uh, the bloke who'd hired it, and this DJ that'd come with this, sort of party, wanted a seventies' disco, and he look like Woody Allen.

ricky: And I'm sure he used to be a gentlemen's outfitters, like.

steve: Yes.

ricky: And um, and he said, "Oh, I wanted a seventies' disco", and he went "Well I got Bicycle Race by Queen lined up...

ricky: ...I got ELO, and I've got Cliff' We Don't Talk Anymore, so...", and he went, "Well, I meant sort of more disco", he went "I don't really want to blow all me Earth, Wind and Fire before ten."

ricky: It's like, all planned.

steve: There is a rule, there are rules. "Will the seventeen-year-old girl who's dressed like Avril Lavigne please tut loudly 'cause I still haven't played anything by Linkin Park."

ricky: "Will the forty-five-year-old woman, recentely divorced, please cry now, please cry now."

steve: "Please cry now, because it's clear you're never gonna find another man."

steve: 'Cause you used to be a DJ, didn't you...

karl: I was.

steve: ...'cause there is a sort of rule, definitely, I remember there was like, what I learned was that you- there are certain tunes you just do not play early on. Oh What a Night, for instance.

ricky: Dun du du- yeah.

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