XFM Vault - S02E35 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Bono, you should be a weatherman, because once again you've predicted, uh, wrongly, it's n- it's not a beautiful day at all, is it Stephen?

steve: (laughing) Wise.

ricky: That was U2, XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess.

steve: Claire Sturgess in for Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Pilk- Karl Pilkington is...

claire: Yeah.

ricky: ... on holiday, as we speak.

steve: Sunning himself. Where- where has he gone, Mauritius, was it?

ricky: Madeira.

steve: Madeira.

ricky: I think, with um, uh, his girlfriend's parents.

steve: (laughing) Ohh.

ricky: You remember last week he was, uh, worried- they'd never been abroad and, uh, her dad was saying, "How d- was- was way- best way

ricky: To, uh, pack tea bags?"

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Karl's going, "You get them over there." And he's going, "We can put 'em in a jar." He goes, "Put 'em in a jar." I phoned him up in the week, uh, just before he went, I think Friday, I said uh, "Have a nice time." And uhh- Sunday, and he said, uh, "Guess what he's doing now?" I went, "What?" He said, "He's packing margarine."

steve: (laughing) Of course he is! Ohh...

ricky: Aww...

ricky & steve: Bless him!

steve: My dad does that, my parents always take, uh, tea bags wherever they're going.

ricky: Really?

steve: You know, for fear of- of there being some kind of tea bag drought in France.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know.

ricky: Is it d- is it wrong- but I mean, I-

steve: I don't know, is it because maybe English Breakfast tea you can't get over there? So it's-

ricky: But you can!

steve: Can you though? I mean-

ricky: You can.

claire: You can get PG Tips.

steve: 'Cause frankly I- you know, you can take your-

ricky: Tea is probably the single most popular drink in the world.

steve: I know, but what about the fore- the fancy foreign teas, your Earl Greys and the like.

ricky: Well, I don't know.

steve: 'Cause I want good English Breakfast, don't bother me with Earl Grey, I don't know what that cup of tea is, it's not tea to me it's just- it's laughable, it's weak, it's pathetic, it's just- it's- eurgh!

ricky: I- d'you know what? Earl Grey with a little bit of skimmed milk isn't so bad.

steve: Oh yeah?

ricky: Yeah, ooh, and wha-

steve: And is your husband a fan?!

ricky: We've started!

steve: Hey?!

ricky: It's all off already, innit...

steve: Alright, we've kickstarted!

ricky: Sort of like, bant- banter, having a little go at each other!

steve: Ohhh, having a laugh!

ricky: Somet- Sometimes sort of pretending that, you know.

steve: Sometimes pretending we're not close mates, you know, close personal friends, you know, and sometimes-

ricky: Yeah! And, uh all that innuendo and that, innit?

steve: Oh, smutty, smutty, some of it.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah. And i- and the- and I... (unintelligible) freaky goggle-eyed thing.

steve: Alright, once again, it's-

ricky: I go too far.

steve: Ruined it.

ricky: I sometimes go too far, I do ruin it when I go t- uh, too far-

steve: Fatty fatty.

ricky: So let's be nice- well! Let's have a bit of Blur.

steve: Oooh, blubberman, blubberman.

ricky: Hooh!

steve: The fat man.

ricky: We're not out of time, we've got a whole

ricky: Hour and fifty minutes to go, on the Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant show, XFM 104.9.

steve: I hope we have one of those after every record.

steve: They're great, aren't they?

ricky: (laughing) It's just a-

steve: I think y- I think if you were actually like a proper DJ, if you actually tried to do the Dr. Fox thing, I think you'd be quite good.

ricky: Really?

steve: But the thing is-

ricky: But I- I think could only survive doing that, sort of um, post 11p.m., "Oooooh, quiet things down now, uh." I-I- I love all that.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, late sort of radio.

ricky: That sort of that- (laughing) yeah yeah yeah that talk- that 'American Jock' type thing as well.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: Um, I listen to Saga Radio now sometimes.

steve: What?

ricky: It's on digital- I think it's radio for the over fifties.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: And it plays all- it was Cli- it was playing Cliff Richards this morning, it played, um, Sammy Davis Jr., it played, um, Beatles - Here Comes The Sun, and I was loving it.

steve: Well, yeah.

ricky: I was thinking- there's nothing-

steve: Well, it's aimed at your age group.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah, exactly! And I've got a bad back, I've been complaining of a bad back all week. He's been ill.

steve: Ah, don't even start complaining-

ricky: We have- we have work this week, he's been ill, off with the flu.

claire: What's been wrong (?), Steve?

steve: (coughs) I'm still not bad- I'll tell you this, I- I- I- j- uhh, Wednesday morning I think it was, I woke up, and I had the head, the sore throat, the aching body, and I- d'you know, I immediately thought I've got the SARS virus

steve: I really did, I genuinely - because I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac. I mean, Ricky pretends to be, but I genuinely was petrified.

ricky: But that doesn't make sense, does it, how can you pretend to be a hypochondriac, no, I am a hypochondriac, and you are genuinely always ill.

ricky: You always sort of, you've always got a bit of a - snuffle, or

steve: Sorry, I'm justified in thinking it might be the deadly SARS Virus

ricky: You were a sickly child, I don't know what's happened to ya, it's something to do with West Country breeding, and y-you haven't, I don't know - No he hasn't got normal, sort of, barriers to, sort of flu and cold.

claire: So his immune system is all shot.

ricky: Claire, look at him.

steve: I'm quite a weak child.

claire: I know, I know

steve: I'll probably die in a garret, having written some bloody brilliant poetry.

steve: And then I'll die of consumption.

ricky: Of consumption - yeah, yeah.

steve: But anyway, so I get online to check out what exactly the symptoms of the SARS virus were, and uhh-

claire: Seriously?

steve: Seriously, I do, I was so panicked, so I went straight online, and- and it was exactly what I had, it's a-

ricky: Well it is a strain of flu, that's why.

steve: Exactly, exactly, and that was the thing well that's what I had.

steve: So I was thinking to myself, cause it said incubation period was between two and seven days, so I thought well what- where have I been that I could maybe have got contact with people from- and then I thought, wait a minute, BAFTA's...

steve: I think I brushed against a couple of the guys from Banzai.

ricky: I know

steve: I'm thinkin', hang on-

ricky: Yeah

steve: Wait a minute, that makes sense.

ricky: Yeah

steve: And so I was suddenly gettin' a little bit eggy, cause I mean there's a lot of um, there was a lot of people there, there's like fifteen hundred people at the BAFTA's, so-

ricky: Yeah

steve: Any one of them could be carrying it.

ricky: Yeah

steve: So I was really just panicked, but, ya' know, I didn't immediately rush to the doctors

ricky: No..

steve: Because you gotta' wait for ages down there, uhh, Dr. Shah's brilliant, but you gotta queue up for ages cause it's down in, um, Swiss Cottage where I live, and I tell ya' there's some dregs in there in the waiting room.

steve: Oh, man alive - people who've just gone in there to read the magazines, and then just sat there- It's, Ohh there's some people who just waste a Doctor's time, that's what annoys me.

steve: A lot of old people, a lot of Saga listeners, who just waste people's time.

ricky: I know, I went to accident emergency once cause I done me leg in, and I tell you look 'round and you think "Aww look at all these people", look at these, they should be, there-there's hardly of any of em that weren't handcuffed to someone.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: It was- ya know what I mean, go to casualty on a Friday night and it's like "Awwww, awful".

steve: Yeah, and there's uhh, and so it was that thing of well I could either go to Dr. Shah, but that's NHS, or I could go to uh one of the Medi-centers.

steve: They charge money, Claire.

claire: Mmm

steve: And I mean I know it's a killer disease, but, ya' know, I'm not made of money

steve: Cause what if it isn't, that's money wasted.

ricky: You don't get you money back, do you.

steve: I mean I really need it to say "You've got the deadly SARS Virus" for it to be worth the eighty quid.

claire: Exactly.

ricky: Exactly.

claire: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And as I suspected that, ya' know, it's 50-50, I decided not, I decided to ride it out.

ricky: Yeah

steve: And, uhm, thankfully, so far, I've uhh-I've not died-

claire: You're lookin' alright!

ricky: No, you're alright.

claire: Yeah.

ricky: You're alright.

steve: I'm okay, so-

ricky: You're alright, yeah, yeah, well that's, that's lucky, so uhhm

steve: I noticed though- I phoned him up, I said, I don't think I can work, and I mean, uhh, Ricky's a close friend of mine, I've known him for a time now and I really consider him one of my best mates, but..

steve: I'll be honest with you, you didn't rush 'round with a bowl of soup, did you, you-

ricky: I don't want to catch it, do I, there's no point of both of us bein' ill.

steve: Well this was the implication, cause it wasn't, it wasn't that you explicitly said, "in this relationship you're the one that's expendable", but, that was the kind of-

steve: That was the sort of underlying suggestion, I felt.

ricky: No, I just thought, to be honest, I thought I could do with a day off as well

steve: Yeah..

ricky: Ya'know what I mean, I thought, aww well don't worry, don't worry then *ricky whistles* tennis

steve: Yeah

ricky: N-no, but uhm, I-I was uhh

claire: What's up with your back then, Rick?

ricky: I don't know, I think it's just age, I don't know, and I don't get things seen to, so it's just been, hurts when I tie my shoelaces, that's why I've got- I'm wearing clogs, cause it's fitted-

ricky: It's so much easier, drawstring trousers and clogs, ya' know, umm-

steve: You used to go to the doctor a lot more though, you don't tend to do it now.

ricky: Well, I'm not paranoid anymore.

ricky: I had two flashes of- when my mum died of cancer, twice I think I said I, "there's a lump".

steve: To the doctors twice with him.

ricky: Yeah.

claire: Have you? Seriously?

steve: I've seriously sat in a waiting room within twice.

ricky: Well, I just, I just went up- I thou- I thought-

claire: Your dear mum.

ricky: I thought oh God, I felt- felt them. I didn't need to do it then, did I? I du-

steve: No.

ricky: I naturally just touched my- but I-

steve: We should point out- we should point out that uh Ricky's mother didn't die of testicular cancer. That it just-

ricky: No- no- no, no but I had a sort of thought, oh god well I've got it now and um, I think I went along once with testicular cancer, didn't I?

claire: (incoherent)

steve: Yeah, you had the testis problem once, I remember--

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Cause I remember sitting in the waiting room looking through uh, an old articles catalog with you, for some reason. I think it was the only think to read.

ricky: Then I think I thought I had throat cancer, didn't I?

steve: Yeah, that- Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Cause I think you had a bit of a (Steve mimics a cough)--

ricky: Yeah oh yeah

steve: A sore throat didn't you?

ricky: But then I think- no I think- I'm over that. I was just like, yeah, sent me a bit. So uh, but um yeah, I've just- It's just a bad back--

steve: Why were you fiddling around down below? Cause I mean, it wasn't like, it wasn't like I called on you to do some work and you said, I've gotta rush to doctors. I think it was like lunchtime.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So you'd obviously been meddling around down there.

ricky: Well I--

claire: Yeah but you should, Steve.

ricky: I've checked them a few times and I'm never sure.

claire: You should always--

steve: What, during the day?!

claire: Always- always check

steve: Or can't you do that when you first get up, maybe before you make the bed?

claire: Yeah but Ricky likes to--

steve: Not- not in a restaurant when we're eating dinner.

claire: Yeah but- (incoherent) mid-day

ricky: Certainly not spaghetti and kumquats.

steve: Exactly.

claire: Yeah, but--

ricky: That- that confused me. I don't know where me hands were.

steve: You've put me right off me meatballs.

ricky: Oh dear.

claire: But Ricky just to clear it, you are okay, aren't you?

ricky: I'm- yeah of course. Yeah.

claire: Just a bad back.

ricky: Yeah just a bad back. Yeah. Let's have a record, shall we? Bit of Bruce Springsteen would be lovely.

ricky: Turin Brakes and Pain Killer on Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgees.

claire: Yeah, no, it's- it's good to be here.

ricky: Yeah.

claire: I'm missing Kar- I'm missing hearing Karl actually--

ricky: Shouldn't have mentioned him cause people will remember then they'll go, "Oh yeah".

claire: I know.

ricky: We're trying to pretend that--

steve: How are you, Sturgees? We've not really said hello to you.

claire: I'm- I'm very well, thank you.

steve: You okay?

claire: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Do you look forward to these occasions when you get to stand in for Karl.

claire: I do. I- I get a bit- little bit nervous.

steve: Is it intimidating? I imagine it would be.

claire: It is. No, it is a bit intimidating cause he's- cause he's such a funny man.

steve: Hmm.

claire: Um but, you know, once I'm here, I'm okay.

ricky: Yeah, but he doesn't- he doesn't know he is. It's not like he's doing it on purpose. It's- it's- you know what I mean? So--

claire: He's- he's just nat- he's a natural--

ricky: At least you know what you're saying.

claire: Yes. Yeah.

ricky: Y'know?

claire: Good point, yeah--

ricky: It's not all--

claire: Good point.

ricky: It's not all downhill is it?

steve: No, exactly yeah--

claire: No, no it'll be fine there's only an hour and a half to go, we'll be okay. Can we talk about um--

claire: : Can we talk about the BAFTAS. I don't want to sort of go on about.

ricky: Ohh, I don't like to talk about them--

claire: No, seriously--

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Claire, I mean uh--

claire: No, cause I--

ricky: Whatcha wanna know? Whatcha wanna know?

steve: Whatcha wanna know?

claire: No--

steve: How many we won? or?

claire: But of course-- well I know how many you won.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

claire: We were all watching and listening.

steve: Not- not- not everyone does though Claire- I mean--

claire: How many did you win, Steve?

steve: You might wanna remind--

ricky: What, in all or what?

steve: Do you mean this- this year and last? or?

ricky: It's two now. Two last year. Four in all

claire: Ohh.

steve: So it's four in all. Two of those are Ricky's. Specifically his.

claire: No, Steve what I really wanted to talk about was Ricky's white suit.

ricky: Oh yeah. Okay. Well listen

steve: Classy.

ricky: Well let- let- let- let me explain some-

steve: I said to him-

ricky: Well- well- well- well- well. Never mind, all that. One, it's actually- I bought it for a photoshoot cause I'm doing this thing- I've got- I've got a DVD coming out in October and I'm doing a- I'm doing a spoof of the front cover of Thriller. So I bought a white suit--

claire: Nice.

ricky: And I got it, right? And I thought well I might as well wear that then now and get it dry-cleaned.

claire: I thought you blagged it, you see.

ricky: And I thought- I thought when I put it on- I thought I looked a bit like Sean Connery as James Bond. Apparently I--

ricky: Look like Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

steve: The little midget guy.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Which is, you know I did watch it back and there are some resemblances. At one point I did go "de plane". Which is, I dunno why, I thought.

steve: When he suggested he was going to wear it, I said that's crazy, I said it's Madness. Because it just, I knew it would come back and haunt me.

ricky: I got away with it though.

steve: Well, did you?

ricky: No.

steve: I mean, what was I said to you? We were talking about it-

ricky: Oh no, he said, he said, what are you wearing it with a sort of white shirt and white tie, I went "no, no", I'm wearing a black tie, he said "right". He went "you should do it with a white shirt and the white tie, do the whole 'Randall and Hopkirk' thing" and I went that's what I'm worried about, he went "what, you're worried people will think you're a ghost?"

steve: I mean, pathetic. I just, I didn't think it was a good idea. I just love the way that if you're a celebrity somehow you're allowed to wear like, nonsense, outrageous clothes because it's kind of expected of you-

ricky: But it wasn't mental it wasn't like Graham Norton going in curtains or Jonathan Ross dressing up as Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, it was just a white suit.

steve: It's just that thing of "you know who I am, it's cheeky Ricky Gervais here look what I'm wearing.

ricky: I was worried there was going to be chocolate mousse though. Or Johnny Vegas was going to greet me and throw up immediately. It was sort of like I had to keep away from people.

claire: Or what you're sitting on. But I'll tell you what, it worked with Anne Robinson didn't it? She winked at you, she liked you.

steve: She just can't stop that, she's made it into her catchphrase.

claire: You made her giggle like a little school girl.

ricky: I knew it was safe though to say that thing about her drinking because I'd done a non-broadcast pilot with her this year, a friend was the producer and it's a new show that's called 'Look Who's Coming to Dinner?', and the premise is I choose sort of six heroes dead or alive and so I knew it was alright, so I didn't just go up there and start insulting this poor middle aged woman. I sort of knew she could take a joke. She's alright, obviously, obviously she's not really like that.

claire: No but I love the way she just giggled like a little girl.

ricky: I think she was quite good actually. I think it's better when she's sort of ad-libbing.

ricky: I don't think she's as good when she's sort of got lines and she's hitting marks. She's quite good when she's sort of, like when Peter Kay went on she said "Have you dyed your hair?" and he went "Have I dyed my hair, what sort of talk is that?" which I thought was quite nice.

claire: Your quote was good though, when you went "peace...or war".

ricky: I just, I just hate it when um, oh god, celebrities, get their political, they go I've go to say something political because there's all that suffering in the world.

ricky: And I don't know, it's like those things you see in the papers where it's got general elections or war and it's got a picture of Billie Piper, just a picture of them and it goes 'Labour' or it's got Ross Kemp 'No to war'.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: When would that be influential?

steve: No idea.

ricky: It's sort of like you go, someone goes to you, "what do you think of war?" "ooh, I dunno" "Haven't made your mind up?" "Well no, it's difficult isn't it?" "Is it, is it?" "Well yeah, because on the one hand-

steve: I don't know where I stand.

ricky: Well exactly, on the one hand you can say war was wrong because it causes suffering, but on the other hand, you know, that's a knee jerk reaction, some wars are justified for stopping fascism or whatever.

ricky: Pacifism. Sometimes you have to- have to vent, so it's not clear and you gotta go- 'Okay, let's make it easier for you. What do you think of the little black one in Sugar Babes?' Which is brilliant. She hates War. That's me. That's me done then.

steve: Exactly. Has that helped sway you're uh- your point?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know, when [unsure]

steve: Do you remember when- when the uh, that young au pair was over in, uhm, in America, and she got, she got in arrested for the murder, or the death, rather, of that, of that young child, I forget her name. Do you remember that story?

ricky: Louise Woodward?

steve: Well do you remember there was a whole section in the paper there, where there was, uhm, I think it was members of Coronation Street saying 'release her, please release her'.

ricky: I remember you said you fancied her?

steve: Who's that?

ricky: You said you fancied her when it was all happening.

steve: Well, I th-

ricky: He- he- he- he said, he said 'I think it was the danger'. [Ricky laughs]

steve: There was none of that, do you know what I thought it was?

ricky: I would love, I would love you to go out with Louise Woodward.

steve: Thing thing about Wooders-

ricky: What's she doing now?

steve: The thing about Wooders is that she, um, my suspicion was, my suspicion was that when she came back and she had been cleared of it

ricky: She hadn't been cleared of it!

steve: Yes she was!

ricky: No she wasn't!

steve: Wasn't she?

ricky: No

claire: I don't think she- I think they just let her out-

ricky: No, it was just she'd done her time, and it was, it was, I think it was manslaughter. I- I'm not sure about this

claire: We are teetering on the edge of getting-

ricky: Well if someone knows, call up- we don't know this so don't- don't-

claire: Yeah but I think you're right, I think you're right, she-

steve: Well, either way, it was a tragic, tragic accident, and uh, she wasn't a murderer, that was the clear point. And it just struck me, that, um, that nevertheless there would probably be a certain stigma.

steve: Y'know, she was down, y'know, kind of Monrose on a Wednesday night, looking for a dance, and probably there weren't gonna be a lot of guys queueing up for her because they were conscious that, you know, she had a certain reputation, whereas ding dong, gentleman Steve

ricky: Yeah

steve: I'm happy to step in.

ricky: Yeah. You know what, I'd let her babysit, because she'd never- she'd be so careful wouldn't she? You know what I mean? She'd be on her real best behaviour.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Maybe we shouldn't be talking about it [Ricky laughs]

steve: But I do wonder what- I do wonder what she's up to now.

ricky: Well, if you know-

claire: 08700 800 1234

ricky: If you're a lawyer and we've said something wrong, let us know now and we'll apologise quickly, uh, you know.

steve: Anyway, good luck to you, Louise, if you're out there listening, good luck and, you know, ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk

ricky: I don't want- I don't want my name attached in case-

steve: Get in touch.

ricky: Yeah? You're free tonight, aren't you?

steve: Yeah, I'm free. I'm free for the next eight years [Ricky laughs].

ricky: Play a record!

steve: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, 10-storey loves stong- uhh- love stong? Ha, yeah, 10-storey love stong, from, uh, the Stone Doses.

ricky: Yeah, see, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?

steve: It's not and I'll tell you it's also because I'm a little under the weather still.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Yeah, that's my- yeah, that's my excuse.

ricky: You've had a week off. Concentrate.

steve: I mean, I've got cable TV, but there is nothing on, is there, in the- in the daytime? It is just, I mean, I loved 'Today with Des and Mel' that's brillaint.

ricky: It's alright

ricky: Was Joe Pascuale on again? He always pops up. I love it when he pops up.

steve: Joe Pascuale is an absolute-

ricky: Genuinely, without irony, I really like Joe Pascuale.

claire: Do you know him? Have you met him?

ricky: I haven't, no I haven't, no. But I really really like him. I think he's really funny.

steve: Yeah, he is really good.

steve: Yeah

steve: And one of his favourite- one of his jokes that I've always enjoyed is, um, 'why is there a lock on the door of the 24/7?'.

ricky: It's good, he's a thoughtful man.

steve: It's good...

ricky: I just like his squeaky voice. I don't like the jokes.

steve: Yeah, but you know, I only caught the end, the other day, it was brilliant, but um, Des was-

steve: Singing a medley of Buddy Holly songs.

ricky: He doesn't quite sing, does he? It's like pulling your punch.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? He can't actually.

steve: It's not actually singing, it's talking, it's talking the words

ricky: Yeah

steve: But he knew buddy apparently and he toured with him-

ricky: He never quite finishes, it's lovely, like he's got no breath.

steve: But it's the adverts in between-

ricky: He is 73 though.

steve: He's amazing for it.

ricky: Doing well, isn't he?

steve: Yeah, he's a good looking man.

claire: Sorry, who's 73?

ricky: Des O'Connor.

claire: Is he seriously?

ricky: Yeah, I think so. Yeah he's doing well.

steve: Good luck to him.

steve: A toast to Des O'Connor

steve: Raise your glasses, and all you listening at home.

ricky: I'd love to see him interview Louise Woodward.

steve: Yeah.

claire: Do you want to hear some Louise Woodward- I have had some calls.

ricky: But I don't know if they're true or not though. What did you hear?

claire: I think one them was that she was studying law.

ricky: No, we mustn't say that shop that she works in.

claire: No, no, no, wouldn't say that. But I'm sure I read the same thing Steve, someone said they read she was studying law and I think I read that because she knows so much about it, so she decided to go and study it herself.

steve: She's been through the system.

ricky: Never know when it will come in useful.

claire: But she has been spotted in various parts of the country selling all manner of things.

steve: Ok, brilliant.

claire: So who knows.

steve: What, door to door?

claire: Yeah, exactly.

steve: Hello, I'm from MotherCare.

ricky: We've got to stop this now, we've got to stop this now, it's not fair.

ricky: It's all water under the bridge.

steve: Um, anyway, uh, um, let's play a record. Let's play record. I'll talk about it later.

ricky: We're scared now.

steve: We've just got ourselves in trouble, I think we just need to go and consult our lawyers.

claire: Would you like some Peter Gabriel?

ricky: Ahh, this is a beautiful track, and this was actually in Vanilla Sky, so a bit of resurgence, this is Solsbury Hill.

ricky: Peter Gabriel. What a lovely track that is. Solsbury Hill on XFM 104.9.

ricky: Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess.

steve: You know, if Karl was here, you know what he'd want now?

ricky: Probably ads.

steve: Some adverts.

claire: Do you want some now?

steve: It's what Karl would have wanted.

claire: For Karl then, some ads.

ricky: Placebo, the bitter end. XFM 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess in for Karl Pilkington who's in Madeira.

steve: Indeed. Is that where the cakes from?

ricky: Yep, that's what it's named after I think

steve: Excellent.

ricky: Nice, nice, lovely.

ricky: It's sort of uh-

claire: I don't know where Madeira is.

ricky: It's sort of off Africa.

claire: Ok.

ricky: But it's Portuguese.

claire: Do a lot of old people go there?

ricky: There are a lot of old people there. There are a lot of old people.

steve: Well Karl is essentially a 50 year old man in the body of a 30 year old.

ricky: I know yeah, I think it-

steve: Whereas Ricky Gervais.

ricky: Whooaah. Party by the pool it was, it was actually really good, I much prefer that than uh. We went to Greece once and we wondered in this place.

ricky: By mistake going through and it was just full of people in Everton shirts and Liverpool shirts and just drinking lager and ohhh, where's the fun in that? The idea of Butlins, just millions of families screaming around would drive me mental.

steve: Butlins is the most extraordinary place I've ever been to, I went there with a bunch of friends-

ricky: We can't slag it off, but not Butlins specifically just any, anything.

steve: No, I'm not slagging Butlins off, but it was just an extraordinary place. The bars, themed, one bar themed.

steve: In the wild west style--

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: But a- a tribute band to Status Quo playing.

ricky: Really?

steve: It was extraordinary. So you walk in the swing doors. (Imitates swing doors). And there's Status Quo playing and everyone else is- all the staff dressed in cowboy outfits uh, and cowgirl outfits uh, serving drinks.

ricky: I've told you this before, but I sneaked into Butlin's, we- we sneaked in one night and we didn't know what was on, and they were serving lager and chips and there's just loads of families and- and lots of Northern men in short sleeve shirts and kids running around (incoherent). And uh--

ricky: So they just arrange the chairs in the sort of dance hall and they went, 'And now, ladies and gentlemen, the entertainment for this evening is David Copperfield, not the magician'.

ricky: And it was the bloke from uh, Three of a Kind.

steve: Of course.

ricky: He came out. He did it all. He did all the jokes. He did all the 'and how are you? Oh, you're nice', you know, to people in the audience and then his finale was, he stood on a chair because there wasn't a stage and he did Classical Gas. Seriously. On guitar.

ricky: And then they clo- went like that- and he went- thanks-- (incoherent).

ricky: He went off.

ricky: And they stop clapping and he came back on to get his jacket.

steve: Oh dear. Oh no.

ricky: Yeah. Okay. There- there was also a girl boy duo in blue satin called Joint Effort

ricky: Which I was loving. And at the end, right? It was on, I think it was on a Saturday night. So uh, people were leaving sort of the next day or Friday night, and leaving the next day and uh, the kids and that was sort of like going up to the Redcoats and they were crying, right? And all the Redcoats and Joint Effort and uh-

ricky: They did. We Are the World.

steve: Oh Wow.

ricky: Amazing. What an amazing night that was.

steve: Extraordinary.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They are incredible places.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Joint Effort. I don't think-- I saw a documentary. I'm sure I saw a documentary, which is finding out what uh the likes of David Copperfield are up to now.

ricky: He's a- yeah.

steve: And he was a thatcher, wasn't he? Wasn't he mending roofs?

ricky: I think so, yeah. I think you're right yeah.

steve: And I'm sure I saw him saying- they said, 'Would you not- well you know, would you not want to be back on Primetime TV?'. And he said, 'Do you know, I- I think I prefer mending roofs.

ricky: Well I- well--

steve: I'm not sure that's true.

ricky: No, he's probably the same as uh, David Van Day when he did that advert um, when he said uh, 'It got to the point where I prefer to sell Burgers than records'.

steve: No you didn't.

steve: You never preferred selling burgers, David.

claire: Have you watched any of the Reborn in the USA?

ricky: Love it.

claire: See- I've missed it and I'm gutted.

ricky: Absolutely love it. I reckon it's Hadley or Cox. It's Hadley or Cox all the way.

claire: I'm gutted.

ricky: I reckon.

steve: Who's Cox?

ricky: Um, eh, "We close our eyes. We never do'. Him.

claire: What band is that? What band is that?

ricky: Go West.

claire: Go West.

ricky: Yeah. He- he's- he's probably the best singer in a sort of standard cabaret way.

steve: And- and how does it work? Do they get voted out as they go round?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: So it's Sonia who's gone is it?

ricky: No, there's two- two uh, from um the studio audience, two are nominated. The low- lowest. I think the lowest people and then then uh Britain. People in Britain--

ricky: Vote one uh back on the bus.

claire: Can I just ask Why they're doing it in the States? Why don't they just do it in this country?

ricky: Well, because it was meant to be relaunched their career without prejudice.

claire: Oh.

ricky: I assume.

claire: Okay.

ricky: And also as an excuse to go to America, I suppose and people not know him. Although fame is creeping in. I think a lot of people recognise Tony Hadley.

claire: Yeah.

ricky: Particularly when he sang true at karaoke.

steve: Yeah.

claire: Yeah. Yes.

ricky: Um, so uh. No but uh um yeah.

steve: Is he as good as ever?

ricky: He's fine. He's a bit dramatic but he's all right. It's--

steve: Now from your--

steve: Your brief pop phase-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Any of these faces familiar to you. Did you ever bump into them?

ricky: Oh no, but no, no.

steve: No, you never saw- you never hung out with Hadley or?

ricky: No, no, we all lived in the same house.

steve: Yeah, you did. Didn't you have a run in with Bucks Fizz?

ricky: Oh eh, yeah once.

claire: No!? Did you?

ricky: Once- well once when we had to- when we were going up to do- we were going up to do um- a- um, a TV show um, and our A&R man had just forgotten about us and we were there. We were at the- we were at the airport. We didn't have the tickets and so Bucks Fizz-

ricky: Were doing the same show and that- I remember they tried to smuggle us through. They had sort of like them and their crew. And they just like showed us the tickets. They went through and they went, 'well', like- like that would work. They went (incoherent) oh sorry.

steve: As if the two girls stand in the lobby, whip off their skirts.

steve: Everyone was sidetracked while you legged it through.

ricky: Well- well, I was on the shoulders of uh-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Bobby G and wearing a really long coat and I went, 'Bobby (incoherent' and he went, 'Yes, I am taller now'

steve: You're a lot taller uh in flesh than you are on Top of the Pops.

ricky: Yeah yeah, yeah.

steve: And fatter.

ricky: I wasn't fat then.

steve: You weren't fat then, no no you're right.

ricky: Yeah, no, but I love it. And the other thing I've be watching is American pop Idol.

steve: Right I've not seen any.

ricky: Last night. It's great. Really good. Yeah.

steve: Is it- this is Simon Cowell?

ricky: Ruben's gonna win. Eh?

claire: Is that- is that one that Geri Halliwell is part of?

ricky: No, no, this is um uh Randy Jackson, 'What's up, dog?'. Um, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell. But Simon Cowell makes so much more sense in that context-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Cause they're all, you- you know 'You're great'. And they do people, they stand up and they clap and he goes, 'Oh sit down, it was all right.

steve: Yeah yeah.

ricky: And it makes so much more sense, you know what I mean? I mean over here it's a bit of a pantomime sort of drama queen but over there he's suddenly-

steve: He's the sort of the voice of reason.

ricky: The voice of sanity. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. But um that's- that's the trash TV that I watched.

steve: That you've watched.

ricky: Yeah. But no Reborn's funny. But again, once again; public are stupid, they voted out um Dollar that was driving everyone mad. And there was fights. They why did they--

claire: Did they really? Cause they really went after Sonia.

ricky: Well yeah because you know- oh yeah they really went for it.

claire: Oh yeah.

ricky: They voted out Chris Eubank

steve: Yeah, in Celebrity Big Brother.

ricky: Celebrity Big Brother. Keep 'em in.

steve: I don't think the public should be allowed to vote on TV shows. I don't think they know what's best for them.

steve: It does strike me that, like, in the Golden Age of EastEnders, if people had said, do you want to vote out uh Dirty Den? They'd have gone, 'Yeah, he's nasty'.

claire: Mhm.

ricky: I know. Yeah, that- it's that confusion either with, with entertainment and punish these people, yeah, they should keep them in and then make them lose.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. So you've had all the the best of both worlds.

claire: What about the new celebrity- I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here?

ricky: Now, who's in that? The one--

claire: Danniella Westbrook.

ricky: Yeah.

claire: Um, Catalina; that model.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Don't know her.

claire: Yeah exactly.

ricky: The one from-

claire: Uh, Antony Worrall Thompson, why? Why does he wanna- (incoherent)

ricky: You gotta have someone- someone that can cook, in't ya?

claire: Well.

ricky: Um-

ricky: Yeah, the girl from Changing Rooms.

claire: Yeah, Linda Barker.

ricky: Yeah. Oh, um, Phil Tufnell.

claire: Who?

ricky: Phil Tufnell, cricketer. I'm gonna put some money on him to win.

claire: Yeah?

ricky: I reckon he's going to win. Cause apparently he's sort of funny and- and nice and everything. And uh- yeah.

steve: Would you ever- would you ever do any of those celebrity things?

ricky: Absolutely not, no.

steve: I do think- I genuinely think if you were in the

steve: Celebrity Big Brother house,

ricky: I- immediately-

steve: You would be- not gonna-

ricky: Yeah-

steve: They- it- literally- it would be- it would be before, it would be before the public get a chance to vote-

ricky: Yeah-

steve: Your housemates would have got you out - somehow, they'd have got you out.

ricky: Or, they'd have left.

steve: Or they'd have left, yeah.

ricky: I might win- I might win by default.

steve: They would have all climbed over the roof, like that guy Sandy.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah!

steve: They'd have all climbed out, like within the first ten minutes.

claire: I saw Sandy the other day, actually.

steve: Still- still on the run, is he?

clair: (laughing) yes!

ricky: Just climbing over-

claire: I got really-

steve: It's over, Sandy!

ricky: Get off my roof!

steve: Stop running!

claire: I got really excited, in Selfridge-

ricky: Really? Does he look like a wombat up close?

claire: No, he looks- he's really good looking, I-

ricky: Shut up...

claire: No, seriously! I saw him in the hat section at Selfridges, because he's a personal shopper, tell you- he looked gourgeous.

ricky: Yeah, and Jane went there specifically to meet Sandy-

claire: No, did she?

ricky: To- to- yeah...

claire: I got really excited.

steve: What, is he working there?

ricky: Yeah, he always was.

claire: Yeah, he's a personal... shopper. Yeah.

steve: Really?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Does he sign autographs and stuff?

claire: I'm sure he does.

ricky: No, he calls himself Alex now.

steve: What?

claire: Eh?

ricky: Yeah, he's not allowed to call himself Sandy, Selfridges wouldn't- what should we say, and get him sacked?

ricky: Or get him voted out of Selfridges? Oooh...

steve: Why, is he a personal shopper?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's the yo- that's, just to me, the epitomy of indulgence, if you've got money to spend on a personal shopper-

claire: I would love to do that, oh I'd love to do that-

steve: Man alive...

ricky: No, you don't- you-

steve: Is that someone who pushes your trolley? Is that how it works?

ricky: Noo- you just say-

steve: Can I get one of those in Waitrose?

ricky: No, you- no, you- no, it's just- it's like asking an assistant, you go- "I need, umm, some black trousers and some brown shoes, at this range", and they go "Okay", and they go and get you arranged so you don't have to go- it's not- it's not- like, someone-

claire: Yeah, but I still love it.

ricky: Uh- yeah.

steve: But you have to pay for it, it's not-

ricky: No, no- no you don't pay for the service, you pay for the clothes if you buy them. It's not-

steve: Really?

ricky: Yeah, it's not like-

claire: What, me and Steve could do-

ricky: Lady Di having Harrods opened for her...

steve: So I could walk in there and get Sandy-

ricky: Of course you could!

steve: -from Big Brother to just do some shopping for me?

claire: Oooh, Steve, let's do it! Let's do it!

ricky: In fact, I'd love you to!

steve: But could I get him, like once he's finished in Selfridges, could he pop to the co-op for me? For my-

ricky: No, he can't do that. No, he can't do that.

steve: What, seriously? So there'd be people queueing up, wouldn't there?

ricky: But why? Selfridge- you can't jus- people don't go and shop in Selfridges for the sake of it, to meet Sandy, do they?

steve: No, but to get a personal shopper? Why wasn't- why wouldn't everyone have one- I don't understand why everyone wouldn't do it-

ricky: Well they can!

steve: -if they're not charging you for it?

claire: Oh Steve, you and me later on-

steve: I tell you this, I dont think people realise that Rick, he's gonna be inundated now!

ricky: You know- you know when you go to Selfridges, you will not be able to buy that suit you got for 97 pounds. It's a lot more expensive than that.

steve: What? 105?

ricky: You can't get- yeah, you can't- you can't get shoes for 29 pounds, in there.

steve: Uhh, I'm not bothering.

ricky: No, exactly, you see-

steve: Not worth it.

ricky: That's- that's where you're gonna come unstuck.

steve: It's not worth it.

ricky: I'd love a great record now, Claire.

claire: (giggling) Okay.

steve: I'm going back to Bristol this weekend.

ricky: Are you?

steve: I am gonna be- I've got a 100 pounds to spend, so I'm looking to get a three piece suite...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: A- dinner suit.

ricky: Yea.

steve: Ummm, you know- and, who knows...

ricky: A wife.

steve: Possibly, you know- I think my sister's back.

ricky: The new single, from Radiohead.

steve: What do you make of it?

ricky: I love Radiohead, so I'm prejudiced- um, and I like just about everything they do. You know- I still play The Bends regularly, I've had to replace it- on CD. 'Cause I wore it out.

steve: Really?

ricky: I just think it's amazing, I think they're great. They're coming in, aren't they?

claire: Yeah, they're- well they're coming in a couple of- I think Phil and Ed, two of my favourites, are doing Zoe in a few weeks, and I think- Thom Yorke is going to be doing John Kenneddy, on X-Posure, doing one of those album playbacks, where he comes in and plays his track.

ricky: I think he's great- he's so shy as well, he came in to Hulu once, and he was just so shy, he hated it all 'cause people were looking at him. And... I- oh, he's great. He's brilliant.

steve: A toast! To Radiohead! Happy Easter, Thom and all the lads.

claire: Happy easter!

ricky: Don't eat too many eggs, boys!

steve: Haha, calm down, you crazy guys. No, I wish- we were talking earlier about the fact- cause I've been ill this week and so, um, I've just been lying on the sofa, you know, dosed up,

steve: I was a bit feverish, as well, in the week. And I, um... at one point I s- I- I had a real, kind of, movie s- I- if I'm ill, I like to be like you're ill in the movies. And I was tossing and turning in bed, I had the fever, I was waking up, I was sweating. All sorts. And I- and I keep waking up really early, and I was watching daytime TV for hours, and um... the adverts that you see in the daytime... I mean, we kn- because we do actually work. A lot of people think we just doss around all day, but we do actually work, and so I don't get to see TV in the day much. And the adverts... it's not adverts you see at night! And during breaks-

claire: I know, I know.

steve: They're incredible! and it's like-

ricky: Was it for surgical stockings?

steve: Well, there's- they're-

steve: A lot of them are ei- are either aimed at- they're either aimed at people who- who basically are- are waiting to die.

ricky: Right.

steve: It would seem. Or-

ricky: That- I love that advert. "Waiting to die?"

steve: Well they are a bit like that!

steve: I mean, there's a couple... There's one with, uh, Christopher Timothy, he's sat in a pub on his own, just having a pint in the afternoon. I think this was before he um... I think this was before he uhh... became a doctor. He, um-

steve: 'e's havin' a pint on his own, looking through the, you know, the job ads,

ricky: He's had a good career, hasn't he? Vet, doctor... Brilliant. I-I-

claire: Clever man, clever man.

ricky: I think he's always wanted to play a lawyer.

steve: Yeah.

steve: And he- and he basically says, in so many words, I can't- I can't remember it verbatim, but he basically says "you know, um, you're- you're probably getting on a bit... uhm..."

steve: "You- you're not going to be around forever... you could drop dead tomorra'..."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "Have you- have you made provisions for your children and your family and your wife?" And-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I think you at home are supposed to have gone "oh, christ, I haven't!"

ricky: Oh.

steve: And "I might- I was feeling my testicles earlier, they are a bit lumpy!"

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Oh no! You know, or [coughs] "I've got a bit of a cough..."

ricky: And I- and "I had to bend down quite low to feel them!"

steve: Exactly.

ricky: "So, uh, you know, I am getting on a bit!"

steve: Exactly! "Oh no..."

ricky: "In fact, what I do now is pull them towards me and kick 'em up..."

steve: Yeah!

ricky: "...like Beckham with the ball..."

steve: Yeah!

ricky: "... and on the way back down I have a quick feel!"

steve: Yeah! Yeah.

ricky: [stammering] Yeah!

steve: Um... o-or, yeah, or when the kids come to visit.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: And, um...

ricky: "Stop playing with granddad's testicles!"

ricky: "Where have you put 'em? Where have you put 'em?" [in a childlike voice] "We've put 'em on the mantleshelf-" "Oh! You little devils, go on with you! D'you want a Werther's Original?"

steve: And, uh, that's another advert you see constantly, Werther's Originals. Um- but, um... so they've got those, and then they've got the adverts, which I always love, which are- are adverts for, um, any kind of, you know, Claims Direct or any of those things, it's just...

ricky: Oh yeah

steve: ...invariabley, there's a reconstruction of- of an accident that might happen: someone tripping over a paving slab... there's one which is particularly chilling, of a guy who, um, I think he- he- he's with his kid watching football, and you're thinking to himself, you know, "aw I bet you-" he's looking, he's thinking "I wish I could join in." And it flashes back, and there he is up a ladder. Uh, on a very shiny surface, with no one supporting it, frankly, which is- which is-

ricky: Oh, he's asking for trouble.

claire: Yeah.

steve: Frankly, I- I- I blame him. And then it- it- it topples. For no reason. I don't know why it topples.

ricky: Right.

steve: Wind, let's say.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I all- whenever I see it, I always think-

ricky: I hope he never walks again.

steve: Well, it... he falls off it, um-

ricky: Did he smash his face in?

steve: He didn't-

ricky: Did he fall on a spike? Because if he's gonna go up that ladder on a shiny surface...

steve: Unattended.

ricky: ...with no one holding it, right... did he fall-? Did he crack-? Did he fall backwards on his head? The little fff...

steve: Worse still, Gervais-

ricky: Right, did he- did he do the splits and crush his nuts? The fff...

steve: Worse than that.

ricky: Go on.

steve: He made a considerable lump sum of cash, thanks to the efforts of one of those claims companies.

ricky: D'oh, god!

steve: 'Ey?

ricky: Oh no!

steve: All right, he's negligence has seen him...

ricky: Hold on, Steve was there a Yokel with a pitchfork looking up as he fell on it?

steve: Nothing!

ricky: Oh for fff...

steve: It fell off. I think he must have bruised his ankle or sprained a ligament

ricky: Aah, that's no not enough! That hasn't taught him anything!

steve: Well, it's not taught him a lesson. In fact, if anything it is encouraging to just to be more foolhardy in the future.

ricky: Ah, Christ!

steve: Cause if you're gonna dish out 5, 3-5 grand willy-nilly to these, these people.

ricky: Yeah

steve: These lunatics, these oaths. These simpletons.

ricky: Do you know my favourite advert is the one sort of the back of the those glossy magazines, you get given away. And it was always an old woman and she'd fallen like, in her you know, you know, front porch or whatever and she was just reaching out what she was too weak, to reach the phone. So, it's like you carry little button around with you that you press. I love the idea that. She looked so vulnerable, with my...

steve: I always feel with those kind of those claims adverts. That it's almost like, saying, I'm not going to say it explicitly.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Here are some ideas for you.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, paving slabs... Is there one near you?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Could you have a little trip?

ricky: Exactly. Yeah,

steve: If you've got a stepladder...

ricky: Yeah

steve: I'm not saying anything, but maybe read between the lines...

ricky: New shiny floor

steve: There is money to be made.

ricky: Do you knows those adverts in the back of those... Remember Innovations catalog?

steve: Well, I just read this week.

claire: Yeah!

steve: Innovations catalog is being, being closed down.

claire: Gutted!

steve: Yeah

ricky: Has it really?

steve: Innovations catalog, which used to go to something like 50 million homes or something

ricky: I tell you what, I love the Innovations Catalog.

ricky: You do feel like "I could do with that"

steve: I never though that

ricky: No, I do, I want to spend money on an advantage in life. Like, you know, I want the power packs and the hover boards, and things like "Want to see through walls? Just for 19.99!" they don't work do they...

ricky: I bought oxygen!

claire: So did I!

ricky: Did you really?

ricky: I bought oxygen. Cause I was

steve: What do you mean you bought oxygen?

ricky: Well, me and my mate, it was sort of like, I don't know, 1987. Me and my mate Wally.

ricky: We were doing distance, long distance running together. We're trying to get good and I thought, I just have some oxygen before the race

steve: Well, then get some oxygen, it's there, free in the air. What are you talking about?

ricky: Yeah, I know but

claire: No it was in big canisters

steve: A canister of oxygen? What was that gonna do?

ricky: It didn't work, it just smelled like you were sniffing mints. I didnt, I couldn't get any in.

steve: But what was it supposed to do?

ricky: Well, you know oxygenate your blood, so you can

steve: Right

ricky: Yeah. I don't know why. I

steve: Well how much was it?

ricky: I don't know, I can't remember.

claire: It was 19.99. It was a big cannister.

ricky: It was rubbish.

steve: Why did you buy it, Claire?

steve: I mean, he was at least doing a jog.

ricky: Doing a jog!

claire: I was... I was training.

steve: But it does seem to me... The problem with the Innovations Catalog, is that for the the few idiots that buy stuff like you, there are hundreds-thousands, who just look through it and laughed.

steve: At the absurdity of, you know, a motorized tie rack.

ricky: I know, yeah.

claire: I bought an Abs-master

steve: Who is so lazy that they need that?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: I worked for a while, uh answering the the mail, opening the mail for a returns.

steve: It wasn't the Innovations people but it was a much - it was - if that's the kind of middle class version, this was a very much more working class, um, thing. It was you know, how to, you know, how to get hot dogs out of a tin and all the rest of it. And there was stuff in there that was incredible. There was one item that was in the catalogue and it was, uh - I know, like me, you've probably thought to yourself; 'I just haven't got time to boil the kettle and fill up my hot water bottle.'

claire: Oh, I know. Yeah.

steve: You've thought 'That takes upwards of a minute and a half to do.'

steve: What I need is some kind of state of the art, kind of plastic container with some kind of blue gel inside, which I put in the microwave and that heats up.

ricky: Really?

steve: So that's what this device was - you put it in the microwave, you buzz it in there for like 30 seconds, saving yourself, you know, a minute of preparation time. And we used to get them sent back. I swear to God, they'd be sent back, they'd be split, old women saying 'Uh, I heated this up in the microwave, I went to sleep - it split asunder and the blue gel scorched my legs. I've got third-degree burns.'

ricky: Old woman? With a scolding? Call Claims Direct!

steve: But do you know what we used to do? I used to say 'Do they not sue over this stuff?' And they told me, they said, 'They never sue. Y'know, they're old ladies, they don't realise they can sue. What we normally do is we send them a replacement.'

steve: So I'd have to send replacements back to these old women who had scolded their legs. We didn't even send them their money back, we just sent them a replacement. I mean, unbelievable. Unbelievable. Sometimes, I always thought -

ricky: And a new pair of tights, at least.

steve: At least.

claire: And sheets. Bedsheets.

ricky: Yeah. Oh dear.

steve: Imagine that though.

ricky: I did have an Abs Master once.

ricky: One of those things that you, y'know, you try it on. Jane bought it for me for my birthday once, and uh -

claire: The electronic thing?

ricky: The electronic thing, yeah. You put it on, right -

claire: Ah. That hurts, doesn't it?

ricky: Yeah, well, I turned it fully-up, right, and at one point -

steve: Now, what's this? Sorry, I don't understand what this is.

ricky: You tie it - put it round you. It sticks to your body and its electrically charged. And it's like doing sit-ups. Every time it does it, it's like you're doing a sit-up but without you sitting up, right? And at one point, I had it on, I'd done it for a few weeks - and at one point I was laying on the couch in my pants with this on, watching telly, drinking a bottle of wine and eating cheese. She said 'I don't think it works like that.'

ricky: If this works, it's the greatest invention of all time.

steve: So it's like, you can eat, and it's wearing it - it's kind of working it off for you, as you're eating.

ricky: I know, yeah. Oh, dear.

claire: If only.

ricky: That'd be great. I did see one thing in one of those little magazines once - and this is hilarious, right - what it was is a bloke - a bloke in a wheelchair, right? -

ricky: And then, there's another one of him and it's raining, so he's got a cagoule on that covers him and his wheelchair.

steve: Oh no.

ricky: And just his little face.

ricky: So it looks like something you'd covered a motorbike in. And it's just his little face. I thought that was great! Oh, dear. Oh, I bet -

steve: Innovations is finished. It's over.

ricky: It's all over. Shall we have a record?

steve: A toast, to the Innovations catalogue!

ricky: A toast to Innovations!

steve: You've provided nothing of much use in 15 years.

claire: Oh, Happy Easter!

steve: Happy Easter.

ricky: Happy Egg.

steve: Are you sure that's not part of the song? Because you know, Pink Floyd, you know what they're like. Up to their old sonic tricks.

ricky: Oh yeah. New-fangled, sort of, trickery and that.

steve: I mean I-

ricky: It's a shame. It is a shame.

steve: It is a great song, ummmm... I dunno what to do really.

ricky: Yeah, but it's, it's... it's too annoying. We've gotta stop it.

steve: Yeah. Yeah. Are we putting a pay to it?

claire: Ohhh.

steve: It's gone.

claire: Yeah- ohh yeahhh.

steve: Oh, switch it off, Claire. I dunno, because that always plays fine on my home system, so I don't if it's something that Sturgess has done. You haven't got you big, greasy thumbprints over it, have you?

claire: Maybe.

ricky: It's ya feet...

steve: What were you eating earlier?

ricky: Ya- ya beak...

steve: 'Cause I saw you a, a huge hog roast as uh, as I came in.

ricky: And throwing the bones behind her.

steve: Yeah, exactly, like Henry VIII.

claire: Yeah yeah, no. Nothing changes, Ricky.

ricky: Ohh dear, never mind. Well that's r-

steve: Well that's- see, the problem is-

ricky: That's ruined the whole show for me...

steve: Well what-

ricky: ... it was going so well.

steve: What worries me, Rick, is because this show is so carefully planned-

ricky: Yeah, that can-

steve: That's left a minute and a half gap.

ricky: That can throw us all out, ummm...

steve: Timings, timings.

ricky: Adverts.

steve: D'you think that'll save us?

claire: Ahh, yeah.

ricky: Adverts.

steve: People love 'em.

claire: Yeah, great.

ricky: Forget About Tomorrow, wise words unless you're talking about pension plans, that's Feeder, on XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais...

steve: Wise words.

ricky: Uhh, Steve Merchant. Claire Sturgess. Competition time, we got- haven't got the usual, uh, competitions of,

ricky: Um, uhh, Songs of Phrase and, Monkey News, and the other...

claire: Awww, miss 'em. Miss 'em.

ricky: The other Karl nonsense. You know, I'm not, I'm not...

steve: There's no Cheap as Chimps?!

steve: There's no Cheap as Chimps this weekend? I'm devastated.

claire: It's alright! It's back next week. It's back next week.

steve: Well, I dunno.

ricky: Although, uh, let's do, just do a queek- quick Cheap as Chimps, okay?

ricky: ZzoOOooh! Chimpanzee that! Cheap as Chimps.

ricky: D'you know how much a chimp is, Steve, to buy?

steve: Not really, no.

ricky: Fifty-five grand.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Okay the competition is this, umm. We've got five tickets, uhh...

steve: No, we've got five pairs of tickets.

ricky: Five pairs of tickets, yeah, to give away. Um, to the new Spike Lee film.

ricky: 25th Hour, and um, I've seen this, and it's really great, it's got Ed Norton, um, in it, and uhh, Philip Seymour Hoffman. A- reall- really, really good. Um, it's an eighteen certificate so, you can only you can only, um, call up and get into this free if you are over eighteen.

steve: Or, unless you look eighteen. You could probably get- yeah.

claire: Yeah, let's face it, as long as you look eighteen, yeah.

steve: Exactly. I don't think they're gonna ask for ID on the door.

claire: Yeah, yeah.

steve: But if look, like, fourteen then, it's no chance.

ricky: And, you'd probably get some fags and beer as well on the way in, yeah. Uh-

steve: Yeah, exactly. But if you're sixteen, seventeen, you look old enough, you got a bit of facial hair, go for it.

ricky: Yeah. Or wear a long beard.

steve: Yeah, whatever, yeah.

ricky: No, we're not gonna condone that. Please be eighteen years or over.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It is an illegal offense.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Umm, call 08700 800 1234, and as it is, uh, such a, a great film, we're gonna do- competition is this. Umm, do you want to go to this? A) Yes, B) No.

ricky: So...

steve: C) I'm not sure I can make it Wednesday, any chance Thursday?

ricky: D) ah- I- I think I'll wait for it to come out on video, you know?

steve: E) Umm, I don't really like Spike Lee, I'm a racist.

ricky: Call in! Call in. So-

steve: So, have we- hang on, we should just point out that, umm, yeah it's Wednesday at six o'clock, did we make that clear?

claire: Yeah, Wednesday at six, yeah.

ricky: Wednesday at six o'clock. A) Yes, B) No, C) Wednesday's no good for me, D) I'll wait for it to come out on video, E) I don't like Spike Lee, I'm racist.

steve: Yeah. Uh, what is it, 08700 800 1234?

claire: That's the number, yeah.

steve: Okay, bother Claire with that.

ricky: Zowie by the way. Correct. If you want to go that is. Well tell the truth.

steve: I'd love to have some more music.

ricky: Yeah, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet.

unknown: I feel some Smiths.

steve: Classic.

ricky: Oooh, Reel Around the Fountain.

ricky: XFM, 104.9. Well we've given those away then.

unknown: Yeah it went very well.

steve: Have you got enough now? You don't need any more yeah?

unknown: Yeah, yeah everyone said the correct answer, A, they would love to go. One person actually was Tom, said C, but his sister Sarah would love to go.

steve: Oh well good luck to Sarah, I hope he's over 18.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, cuz otherwise that is... illegal. Here's to the rules!

steve: Cheers.

ricky: Cheers.

unknown: And happy Easter.

steve: I don't know why I'm in a cheering... I'm in a mood for toasting things. I just, I think it's because it's Easter.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. And we know what that means.

steve: God bless him, God bless him.

ricky: Eggs. Go on.

steve: Absolutely. Well while we're talking about the innovations catalog and because I've just been flipping here through the TV magazine which comes free with The Sun. And um...

ricky: Is there anything on the back, plate?

steve: There's always, I mean, the white trash that must buy this... rubbish. This one, I don't know how you'd describe that, there.

steve: Classy isn't it.

ricky: Oh me...

steve: It's a porcelain doll of a young woman.

ricky: Looks like ginger spice with her hair up in a blue dress.

steve: Yeah it is strictly limited to 9,500.

ricky: Awww, am I gonna get one? Why do you waste this with this show, should've been calling.

steve: Well look it says, it says here.

ricky: How much is it?

steve: Well... She can be yours for the special half price offer of £94.50.

ricky: It's not that really, you're not winding me up are you Steve? You're not winding me up is it? Cuz if I look and it's £940, cuz I think it should be, I will go mental because I would love that porcelain piece of shit for a hundred quid on my shelf

steve: Hang on a minute Rick, let me just read you some of the

ricky: Who buys that, do they think it's, uurgh aww...

steve: It's classy.

ricky: Aww.

steve: Well I think this blurb will change your mind.

ricky: Go on then, okay, well I'm just, okay okay.

steve: Her name is quite simply "Dearest Rose".

ricky: I love it.

steve: And she's portrayed here holding a beautiful...

ricky: Well I mean of course it's gonna be "Dearest Rose" innit! It's not gonna be "her name is Burt".

steve: "Dearest rose is portrayed here a beautiful bouquet of roses given to her by her lover"

steve: "She has gently plucked some of them and placed them in her chestnut hair".

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: She is wearing a...

ricky: Oh that's filthy. Oh look, she is as well, she's stuffing them up...

steve: On her head!

ricky: Alright, go on...

steve: "She is wearing a gown of beautiful turquoise silk. Her skirt flows to the floor and beneath it you can see her dainty shoe just peeping out, decorated with a tiny handmade rose."

ricky: That is brilliant.

steve: Now it is beautiful. And it's a... you can pay £9.45 a month for 10 months and that can be yours, and I think you'll agree, it is just beautiful.

ricky: I mean the best ones I've ever seen, there was one that was huh... A doll, right, like you know, a horrible scary doll, and it was something like you know £100, and it said "Call your family and tell him it's a girl".

ricky: And I just imagine this 45 year old woman with bunches and rouge on her hair, still dressed in her ballerina outfit going, "I've had a baby, mother!" "You haven't." "I have! It's a bloody baby! Why do you hate me?" "It's a doll!" "Why do you hate me?" I mean -

steve: I know.

ricky: What sort of people are they preying on?

steve: Well there was one -

ricky: "I've just had a - a baby." "Sorry? Call - get a doctor. Call the doctor." "Don't - don't call the doctor, I've had a bloody baby!"

steve: Well, I - I remember seeing one, which just is extraordinary. I mean again, I'm thinking specifically of the people that buy it. It was about three foot tall. It was I think, again, made of porcelain, or possibly plastic. It was a baby. It was like a - sort of - it was like a kind of one-year-old baby. Like, that was the design. Wearing a Harley-Davidson biker outfit.

ricky: I mean -

steve: The leather cap, the jacket, the nappy.

ricky: Rather like Marlon Brando did in The Wild One.

steve: Yeah. Unbelievable.

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: I mean, the scum. I saw recently, I was looking - flicking through one. It was wedding rings. It was a selection of exclusive wedding rings. Imagine giving this - imagine getting on one knee and giving your beloved a themed Lord of the Ring - Lord of the Ring wedding ring.

ricky: Oh, that is brilliant.

steve: Will you be my wife? Better still, my troll?

ricky: Oh, dear. That is -

steve: I mean, I - I - the scum that must be - that they're preying on, like you say. I mean, unbelievable.

ricky: It's those sort of houses that I - I remember going into as a child sometimes, when you met a friend from school and he'd go into their house and it was like a shrine. I remember some people kept the polythene on their three-piece suite.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: There was someone - you weren't allowed in the front room. Like, we couldn't - you couldn't go in the front room. And it's all - you look around and there's all these dolls and that. And it's just like, "Oh God. Scary. What in God's name happens in this house after dark?" You know what I mean? And -

steve: But the people who keep the polythene on their - on their

steve: Sofas are - it's - who are you waiting for? What day are you going to use this? Because I tell you this, the Queen's never coming to tea.

ricky: I know. Tony Blair's not going to pop in unannounced covered in grease.

steve: Never gonna happen. No, exactly.

ricky: In dungarees.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: "I won't sit down." "You can sit down, you can sit down Tony. I've been waiting for 40 years. Look, I've had a baby." "It's not real baby." "It is a baby!"

steve: "Is this door locked?"

ricky: "Why do you hate me?"

steve: Oh dear.

ricky: God. "Call your friends and tell them it's a girl."

steve: So if you're one of the the scum that

steve: Have ever bought anything from one of these -

ricky: Trash.

steve: Look, normally you'll get, maybe, commemorative plates -

ricky: I know.

steve: - commemorating -

ricky: I tell you what, if I ever win the lottery, I'm going to buy all them up.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I'm gonna buy all them up in one foul swoop, that'll be -

steve: There was one, I think it was Cliff Richard. It was a commemorative plate of Cliff Richard.

ricky: That'd be great.

steve: It said - it said "Cliff never ages" - "Cliff never ages and neither will this."

ricky: Really, did it say that? "Tell your friends and - tell them you've married Cliff Richard." "Look, I've married -" "It's a plate." "It's not a plate!"

steve: "I sleep with it!"

ricky: "I've married Cliff Richard"

ricky: Do you remember that mental case that was erm, thought she was married to Mike Read?

steve: No I don't remember this.

claire: No I do, yeah.

steve: Now is this Mike Read the former DJ or Mike Reid the entertainer stroke actor.

ricky: Former DJ. And it had a shot of her just prancing around in the nude with a feather boa on, saying I'm married to Mike Read or summat. She was obsessed with him. That's libelous.

steve: I mean is she still looking for a fella or...?

ricky: Yeah, oh what would you do, imagine it was, you're in a love triangle between her and

ricky: Louise Woodward.

steve: Oh right ok.

claire: Careful.

ricky: Who would you- and they were fighting over you and I think they can both get pretty violent. I mean, you know, I mean no, but I mean... I'm not, I don't know.

steve: Well I'll tell you what I'd do, I'd do what any gentleman would do in that situation and I've let them wrestle it out nude in a hotel room.

ricky: Oh let's have a record. Sorry to any- call your lawyers and tell them it's a girl.

ricky: Coldplay. Xfm 104.9.

claire: In fact can I just plug something?

ricky: Go on.

claire: Because you can hear Coldplay live tonight from 7 o'clock. The whole Earl's Court gig on Xfm from seven.

steve: Blimey. Not bad.

ricky: To Coldplay!

steve: To Coldplay!

claire: Yay! Happy Easter!

ricky: Happy egg. Well, well, that's about it from us, isn't it? We got, you know, to be quite honest I didn't miss Karl at all.

steve: I didn't miss Karl, in fact I felt we worked harder, we did a better show without him. I think he's dead wood.

ricky: Well, I think that we should, you know, tell him that we, you know, we don't need him if he turns up it's fine if not, you know what I mean.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Because that will wind him up.

steve: Oh he'd be livid.

ricky: If you could send- oh could you send Karl emails saying To Ricky or something, because he gets all those doesn't he? Or to Karl. Saying the show was better without Karl. Can you please do that for us? We'll tell him the- he'll hear it, he'll come back and hear it. So he'll know it's a wind up. But I just want to see his crushed little face Monday. If you can send as many emails as possible saying this show was better without Karl, I will be grateful. And I promise I'll tell him the truth next week.

ricky: Do you think think they can do that for us?

steve: I think so.

ricky: Is it karl.pilkington@xfm.co.uk?

claire: Yeah. And it's Karl with a K.

ricky: Yeah. And send some to me because he'll read those next week as well.

steve: Yeah, ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk

claire: And send some to me as well.

ricky: Yeah, and just pass them on, yeah.

steve: And to the head of Xfm.

ricky: Oh what's his one? We won't get in trouble because obviously Andrew's listening so he'll know it's a joke.

claire: Andrew.phillips@xfm.co.uk

ricky: In fact could you send a load-

claire: Our marketing manager charlotte.soussan@xfm.co.uk

ricky: Yeah andrew.phillips@xfm.co.uk. Just saying it's so much better without Karl.

ricky: Because he's got a bit self-indulgent. He just does the same old stuff about Auntie Nora farting, and it's not big, it's not clever and the man's a fool. So, if you do summat like that. You know, make stuff up as well. Thanks very much. Happy egg.

steve: Happy egg indeed. Can I just end with a tune. Ed Harcourt. I don't know if you've listened to his current album.

claire: Yeah new album's out, it's good.

steve: Some nice treats on there and this is one called "The Birds Will Sing For Us", a nice way to end.

ricky: See you later, cheers.

steve: Happy Easter.

ricky: Do the email thing. Egg.

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