XFM Vault - S02E38 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Ha ha, Badly Drawn Boy! On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I'll tell you what, the Sony's then-

steve: Uh-ho-ho

ricky: this Thursday, this Thursday at the Grosvenor House Hotel.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Everyone in radio who's anyone has uh, entered their show in different categories saying oh you know they get it down to you know...

steve: Winners this year included the brilliant Dominic Mohan, former Showbiz editor of The Sun.

ricky: Lots of people won, lots of people won, lots of people won gold, lots of people won silver, lots of people won bronze. We didn't get a sausage.

steve: Nothing.

ricky: This show was deemed

ricky: not-not worthy of anything. I mean, not-not a look in. The panel looked at it and said well, no definitely not.

steve: This is not radio.

ricky: Didn't get a vote. See, that annoys me on so many levels. Let me-let me tell you: 1. Right, I've never complained about losing an award, okay, ever! Mainly in tv, I know we've won a lot but we've been beaten a couple of-beaten by Peter Kay, good luck to him, he's brilliant. Am, beaten by Phoenix Nights, the sitcom, a lot of people like that more than the office and vice versa. Right, n-no qualms, but the shoddy shite that I heard that night beating us...I was furious, Idon't understand-there's, there's people-regional-it sounds like hospital radio, right-they've-I mean I shouldn't even be on XFM, I thought eh-eh, you know, it-it, it's beneath me.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: And I thought 'Well, give em a hand, right, let's show em'. And I wanna know who the panel was aswell. I, I do not believe it! How can they d-? Erm, I was looking back over some of the shows, right *mumble* Karl, and I've just done a little excerpt of a-you know-a trailer of what we, what we do, what we're about, and I don't know how the panel could overlook..play a bit Karl, please.

ricky: ...shaking her muff, minge and tits around does not make her a ho then what does?

karl: ...these kids at school with big heads...

steve: Karl what are you talking about?

ricky: Shut-Hello my name is Ho Lee Fuk.

karl: Right there's this monkey that was on a train station.

ricky: Right

steve: What if, what if you mean cock to mean penis?

karl: But it was me Down Syndrome son...

ricky: Ooh chimpanzee that, monkey news!

karl: So we've still got monkey news coming up.

ricky: Your're an idiot!

steve: That's, to me, quality broadcasting.

ricky: I don't know how they can say that isn't worthy...

steve: That's what we sent in-

steve: -to the Sony people, they listened to that, how they didn't think that was dynamite stuff...it doesn't make sense. D'you know, I've been thinking about this since Thursday because I've been a little bit down in the dumps-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -what I think it is is that with the tv show, the tv stuff we've done Rick, we put a lot of work into that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We get the script, we got the script. We spend a lot of time on it. What this show is about, it's very much about spontanaeity, it's about our personalities and I don't think we're ever gonna win an award for our personalities.

steve: I think that's where we're going wrong.

ricky: D'you know what I think? I think that when we're together, we're the auteurs of The Office and , y'know, and ah, we're strong on it, and we're just two-, we write it, we direct it...You know, we cast it, we-we even worry about the font and stuff on the- you know we do everything

steve: mm, mm.

ricky: There's a weak link in our midst, I think...

steve: Wha, on the radio show?

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah-

steve: Right well I'm just trying to think what the common factor is because on the award-winning tv show...

ricky: well it-

steve: ...it's just you and I...

ricky: Yeah I dunno-

ricky: Well I'll tell you what can we play a record and...let me think about this cos there must be somethi-there must be something...

steve: There's gotta be a factor.

ricky: that isn't in The Office that's in this that means that The Office is award-winning, and this is a pile of shite.

ricky: Brown Sugar by eh The Rolling Stones on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me Stephen Merchant and with us, erm, Karl-Karl Pilkington, the third-third member of this, erm, team...

steve: mm

karl: ...team. We and-me and you do The Office.

steve: Award-winning.

ricky: Yeah and me-us three do this, do this show.

steve: No awards.

steve: Nothing.

karl: Karl, what-what are your thoughts? What do you think's wrong with the show? Why do you think the panel listened to our show and said 'That is awful, it's not actually a radio show'?

steve: Well can I just point out to-many people may not realise that last year we won a bronze so we've actually gone down, we've actually slid off the list al-entirely.

ricky: Yeah. I know but I mean that-that yeah but Karl wasn't really as involved...last year.

steve: Well I remember last-last year you-it was very much you and I was doing it and Karl was just there pressing buttons.

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah I mean we just-we just started out on it yeah so I mean you can't really, you can't really compare. Hold on though...

steve: Wellll...interesting, interesting.

ricky: What d'you think, Karl, what-what do you think the reason is?

steve: Thoughts Karl?

ricky: Any thoughts?

karl: I see what you're getting at.

karl: But-

ricky: You're not stupid.

ricky: Yeah

steve: mm

karl: I made sure that it was mainly you two

steve: mm,mm.

karl: So don't-don't be uh, don't be doin' that, don't be playin' that game.

ricky: So you-oh so you put the compilation together.

karl: Yeah

steve: Right, again.

ricky: Ah, right, interesting because...

steve: We weren't involved with that.

ricky: ...we, we, we usually do The Office, edit The Office and everything, we have final cut on The Office. So you, ah I see so you...

karl: Yeah but-

ricky: oh right, no no so you're the *something*

steve: You had your fingers all over it, interesting.

karl: Yeah but I-

ricky: Oh no that's interesting, so-uh, well, erm...

steve: Uh, that-so the tape was the smoking gun and who's fingerprints were on it: Karl Pilkington's interesting.

ricky: Yeah, that's interesting we didn't-get a sausage...

steve: mm

ricky: But-you know what I'm-d'you know what I'm-seriously though, you know-you...

steve: Well I don't-I mean seriously it is his fault.

ricky: I know but I mean, we-we-it's our fault as well cos we should have known better, right, but-

steve: Than to employ him? Yeah.

ricky: But, erm, I actually think it's a slap in the face. I wanna know who the panel was, I wanna know what Sony were thinking, just handing it out to the same old people. You know what I mean? Every clip they played a funny phone call. D'you know what I mean? And so, I'm actually-

steve: Did we send any of our funny phone calls in?

ricky: So if anyone, if anyone, if anyone cares, I think we should knock this on the head-

steve: Well yeah.

ricky: As a protest against Sony. As I say I've never complained before, about *something*, but I mean this one, tsk, dunno what-dunno what they're think-I want-I want or, I want someone on the panel, it was entertainment, I want someonen on the panel to phone up and say why they think this show is rubbish.

steve: Well and I-um- and apologise.

ricky: Well not apologise if they stand by they-if they tell me why, you know, because, you know, listening to that clip there I can't see anything wrong with that as...

steve: No, sure.

steve: It's interesting , I mean I-I don't think, erm, our number one fan Dickie Anderson- Richard Anders - was, uh, on the, on the panel, although he here has emailed in.

ricky: Go on, oh brilliant!

steve: He's got a couple of thoughts as to maybe why we...

ricky: What is Dickers doing man?

steve: Eh Dickers says "commiserations on not winning a Sony, I can't believe you didn't win-

ricky: Ah.

steve: -naturally. I mean apart from your shows lack of quality and effort, having a monkey for a producer-

steve: -offering the biggest load of tat as competition prizes, saying 'hairy Chinese kid' 48 times every show, Rockbusters, not bothering to turn up for weeks on end, only having three listeners, introducing the comedy characters Camp David, Har-Harry Fook, which I think he spelt wrong there, Stephen Merchant-I'm not a character-

steve: apart from insulting every race, religion, and sexual orientation, bickering like schoolgirls-

ricky: We g-haven't done everyone yet, we have not insulted everyone yet, there's loads to go.

steve: and generally bringing misery-despite the fact you generally bring misery into the lives of anyone who listens, I thought you were surefire winners. Better luck next year.

ricky: Well...

steve: I mean, a couple of constructive, you know, criticisms there, but generally, I still can't nail it.

ricky: Was he on the panel?

steve: Well I-I, I don't think so, I don't think s-well he's a fan, so...

ricky: Yeah. Well, no, he-he's clearly a fan, I mean-

steve: Yeah

ricky: He lov-he obviously loves the show, he's-cos he's-I mean he has hit the nail on the head-

steve: Yeah

ricky: which-

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: But uh, what shall we do, shall we give up or shall we try harder? That-that's always my dilemma in life.

steve: Sure, yeah.

ricky: I mean I've-I've always gone for the first one.

steve: Give up?

ricky: Yeah

steve: Yeah yeah yeah yeah

ricky: Why-why bother?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: If they-if they can't see...Just give-give-give us the award, and then worry about it later and we won't let 'em down. Now they've got, they've got blood on their hands. We're gonna *burble* what-what shall we do? Give it a month's, couple of month's notice?

steve: I think so.

ricky: Okay, well, there you go.

steve: I mean seriously, I mean because I think we've run our-

ricky: Well I am being ser-I'm not being wacky now, erm, well I haven't told Andrew but uh-

steve: I think we've run our course with this show.

ricky: Yep yeah. So let's, let's-okay-we'll give it a month and it's because the Sonys didn't give us anything. Play a record. There you go.

karl: Well you gotta do a bit longer than that.

ricky: No we haven't, gotta give a month's notice.

karl: No you gotta work till about September if your're gonna...

ricky: No we haven't. No we can give a month's notice. We-you know-whatever they-give the money back or summat. We-we-

steve: Well hang on.

ricky: Well-

steve: Well you give your money back.

ricky: Yeah I know. What are you-what are you gonna spend your 80 quid on?

steve: Ha ha, true!

ricky: By The Way - Red Hot Chilli Peppers on XFM 104.9. So, few more shows-

steve: And then that's it.

ricky: I-I-I hope Sony are happy.

steve: mm

ricky: They should encourage-you know, we've only been in radio, you know, couple of years...

steve: Exactly!

ricky: tryin...

steve: They should encoura young-encourage young talent like you.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Instead of giving it to Radio 1 and Radio 2 and...

steve: Mm, the old warhorses. We've just had a quick email I wonder if you could answer this. It's James from NWL an he says: "Ricky is Karl gonna be on this week's show? Please let me know as I may listen if he's not."

steve: Erm-

ricky: Aw.

steve: Sadly he is here.

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: I mean people are already turning against you Karl cos they've seen what's happened.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I think they've probably realised that we've sort of *inaudible*

ricky: I think we gave you too much. I think -exactly- I think we got a spoiled sort of kid on our hands. It's sort of like, you know...We-we knew- we knew how bad he was but we were tryin to sort of bring him out of his shell a little bit.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Encourage- you gotta encourage sort of, erm, children like Karl...

steve: Well yeah exactly, exactly.

ricky: To sort of...fend for themselves.

ricky: Erm, but eh, I like the fact that Dickie Anderson had that wonderful rant-I mean it was an articulate email, it was quite long, and he must have typed it immediately. I'm thinking, because he's a fan of the show and he-he thinks I'm, you know, a genius...We need a PA-

steve: Sure.

ricky: Don't we?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: D'you reckon he'd come and work for us?

steve: Erm, well he can't be any worse than what we've already got.

ricky: Dunno

steve: Erm, you know...

ricky: So, there you go then, we're giving up radio. We're gonna concentrate on television. Karl's probably gonna go back to what? Your little, just doing your sound...

karl: Well, the thing I won a silver for at the Sonys. Funny that innit?

steve: Oh you won a silver did you?

karl: I got a silver yeah.

steve: Oh yeah what was that for?

karl: For doin, for doin the proper job that I do here in the week.

ricky: Well no there's two of you for a start.

karl: Yeah, well there's three of us, can't even get a bronze. Now who's the weak link?

karl: Right.

ricky: Well...

karl: Bit weird innit?

ricky: Let's get-let's-let's get-let's not argue-we haven't got many shows to do.

steve: To be fair though, this-this show is-I think it's more to do with the fact that you talk on this show that has brought us down.

karl: Right I haven't said anything hardly today.

steve: No, well this is an award-winning show potentially.

ricky: We'll add this one in for next year. Aw...

steve: If you could just keep schtum, we might have a chance.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Well, coming up, right, Karl-

steve: Let's put it behind us.

ricky: Okay.

steve: Let's draw a line under it.

ricky: Erm, we had a meeting yesterday. We thought we'd better, you know, for the last few shows, plan it a little bit. And me and Steve came up with a great idea: we're gonna offer Karl money to do stuff.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Erm.

steve: That's the quality of the ideas, on this-

ricky: Yeah, yeah. And erm, uh, I've bought some money in *burbles* little stuff cos we had him- we had him showering with our mate Johnny for a thousand pounds yesterday, didn't we?

steve: Yeah we just got into a discussion and then one of us suggested that how much would it cost us-

steve: -to pay you Karl to have a shower with another man? Not-there's nothing gonna-going on-

ricky: You don't-no, no, there's nothing going on, you just, you're just in a shower, normal shower, you're just watching each-washing each other, having-er, not-not each other, just yourselves-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You're just having a chat.

steve: You're just washing each other.

ricky: Right yeah.

steve: Yeah washing yourselves.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Having a shower.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But it's a regular shower in a- in a regular house, it's not a shower in a swimming pool.

ricky: And he-and he went fine, he got-we got-he got a thousand pounds out of it, he wouldn't do 900, he got a thousand pounds out-but then, we said an we'll have to watch to make sure you do it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he went no that's weird.

steve: He wouldn't do it!

ricky: So...but why-why-why, what's the-

karl: Well, this is what annoys me though right, the whole idea of, "oh what would you do?" Right, a bit you missed out there-

ricky: What?

karl: When we started this chat, saying, oh, I wonder what you'd do for money, it did start off with "would you rub Dale Winton's neck? Would you give Dale Winton a massage for 20 quid?"

ricky: No but, yeah but, it's, you have to say no, 500. You could - you got - we're trying to find out what your price is. 'What Price Karl' is the name of the show. So-so, you'd - would you give erm, uh, Dale Winton just eh- he's got a knot, he's got a bit of a knot, he's stressed, he's been doing Supermarket Sweep, and he's furious, one of the contestants was answering back, calling him names, and he's got - he's got all knots in his neck. You just put your fin- just give him a little bit of a - you know, five minutes.

steve: A little neck massage.

ricky: How much would you do that for?

steve: He's naked, and it's just a little neck massage.

ricky: Nothing - there's nothing going on - there's like-

karl: See, there you go.

steve: You're naked as well. It's just the two of you naked giving him a little massage.

karl: He's naked, I-I-

ricky: No, no, seriously, would you - would you give him, erm, okay, would you - would you give me a foot massage?

karl: For how much?

ricky: Well that's-

steve: Well that's *inaudible*

ricky: What - what's your price?

karl: And what are the rules though? Can I wear gloves?

steve: No.

ricky: No, no, just-just, you know...let's start off simple: would you take off my shoes and socks?

karl: Eh for-for...I'd do it for like, 50 quid.

steve: That's-you gotta *inaudible*

ricky: Okay, okay, alright: 20 quid to take off one shoe and one sock, but like you mean it. You just take the shoe off, you go-like that and as you're pulling down my sock, you pull the sock *burble* you look me in the eyes and go what lovely ankles.

steve: Seriously how much? What price?

karl: Eh, 20 quid a foot.

ricky: 20 quid a foot.

steve: That's gotta be worth 50.

ricky: So, so 20 quid, you will take off my-erm, we'll put on some soft music...Right.

ricky: You d-

karl: I don't-I don't need it today. That's-that's what I was saying to you yesterday.

steve: You always need it.

karl: D'you know what I mean?

steve: You always need it.

karl: No you don't.

steve: Everyone needs cash.

karl: At the moment I'm quite happy.

steve: Give it to a homeless person, give it to a charity.

karl: Well get him iin here.

steve: Donate it to charity.

ricky: Wu-wu-are you still gonna shower with Jonny for a thousand pounds?

karl: Not now, because you said and me and Steve are just gonna stand in the corner and-and watch.

ricky: Well we've got to make sure you do it. You might go in there and just like wet your hair and come out, pay Johnny 500 quid and go yeah we had a shower. How will we know?

steve: Sorry I'm quite interesting about the shoe and sock.

ricky: I-I-I'm back to the-I'm back to the shower. You just have to wash yourselves and-we have to inspect that it's really clean cos we want you to wash certain parts really...

karl: Right well why-why have you both got to be in there then? Why are you both watchin-

ricky: Well no just one of us. Can we just take-I mean-yeah-or-can-can Steve film it?

steve: As evidence. Just as evidence.

ricky: Or we'll-I tell you what, we'll leave the DV camera in there. We-neither of us to be in there and then we can just watch the video-

steve: Yeah-

karl: Are you a couple of benders?

steve: Well I should be in-are we?

karl: Are you a couple of benders?

steve: No.

steve: No. But can we-can we discuss further the taking of the shoe and the sock cos I think there's 20 pounds in-I'm willing to pay 20 pounds to see that.

ricky: See, a little surprise for you there, that's uh-uh Coldplay here, they're live through there, thanks um-Can they hear me? Can they hear me? Um, uh, yeah, brilliant. D'you wanna-d'you wanna say a few words? D'you wanna say hello?

steve: Yes, uh I'll have a quick word with Chris, ah lead singer Chris: Chris, good to have you here.

ricky: (as 'Chris Martin') Hullo.

steve: An um,,um, how's it going with Gwyneth Paltrow?

ricky: Brilliant, yes, she's a lovely lady.

steve: Yeah, no, I thought so yeah. I saw her in Shakespeare In love. I thought she was good.

ricky: She's good in that in't she?

steve: If you would pass that on to her, just say I enjoyed that.

ricky: I will yeah.

steve: Um, um, it's going alright: you gonna get married to her or what's happening?

ricky: Yes, oh, I marry either her or that Julia Roberts woman.

steve: Good, yeah, either one is good. Um, um, I note you're on holiday at the moment in Hawaii, I read in the paper today.

ricky: No, no.

steve: You're actually here.

ricky: I'm actually here.

steve: Okay, um-

ricky: Gotta go now, got to go.

steve: Alright just a couple of quick questions.

ricky: (as himself) See ya later Chris. (as Chris) Yes, see you Ricky. (as himself) So that's the sort of guests-

steve: That's the calibre of guests. We're just *inaudible*

ricky: Just like Jonathan Ross, we've got guests like Jonathan Ross. That's Coldplay just popped in.

steve: Just popped in.

ricky: So-

steve: So if you're the Sony people listening, you wanna-

ricky: Brilliant! And we've still got Karl to take off my sock for 20 quid. Okay, let's do it now. Let's just get over with and do it now.

steve: Come on Karl. Let's get our cash out then Rick. There's ten pounds right there.

ricky: Well, no-no-no-no-no, no you don't owe him cos he owes you ten, so I just have to pay him ten.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Yeah. So-go on then, just take-

karl: Not-not whilst Coldplay are here.

steve: It's alright, they've-they've had to shoot off.

ricky: Come on!

karl: Nah, I don't wanna do it, let's leave it.

ricky: Why not? Tell me why-

karl: Cos we've been on now for half an hour and we haven't done anything yet.

ricky: Okay, okay, well at the end of this, why won't you do it, it's ridiculous! You won't have a shower, you won't take me shoes and socks off, you won't do anything. You won't give Dale Winton a rubdown. What will you do for Chrissakes?

karl: I don't wanna-I don't wanna do-say if me Man and Dad are like-have heard about how well I'm doing in London.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, they've heard about, y'now, the Sony awards and that, they're talking to their mates, they're saying Karl's doing well for himself.

ricky: Yeah

karl: Let's have a listen to him on Sky.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: They're tuning in, I'm taking off socks for money.

ricky: What's up with that?

steve: That'll be the first time that anyone in your family has actually made, you know, money, without stealing, thieving.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: It's honest-

karl: Well let's just do it quick then because it's getting on me nerves.

karl: It's actually annoying me.

ricky: Excellent

steve: Excellent, alright.

karl: Well I'll give you the money Steve. I won't-

steve: No-I-well-you-well he's just taken a tenner off me.

ricky: Here you go.

karl: I'll give you the tenner back.

ricky: Right, okay.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Not like that-don't do it like that.

steve: You've got-you've got to do it properly.

ricky: No do it slowly, do it slowly.

steve: That's right, just gently-I can't see what's happening.

karl: It's just like I'm working in a shop, there's nothing normal. Right *inaudible*

steve: Come on just get it done.

ricky: What's that?

karl: Why are you whistling?

ricky: Why are you whistling? What's the whistling?

karl: Someone-sort that out, I can't believe-

ricky: Right.

steve: Okay now do it properly, gently.

ricky: Yeah-

steve: It's a sweaty trainer, which just makes it all the more...Just gently caress it, caress it.

karl: There's someone watching in the office look-

steve: Caress it, caress it there-now just gently ease the sh-

karl: Right just like working in a shoe shop, there's nothing-nothing weird about it.

steve: Just gently ease down.

ricky: I'm gonna burst.

karl: Alright.

ricky: I'm gonna burst.

steve: Alright, now just-now come on, gently do it, don't just rip it off.

steve: Slowly, slowly, tease it, tease it.

ricky: (through laughter) I don't like this. I just wasted a tenner and I wasn't enjoying it at all.

steve: Now wait-now wait a minute, you've got to say-

ricky: Say-say something nice about my ankle.

steve: You've got to say- Say you've got lovely toes and I love your ankle.

karl: You got nice toes an that.

steve: Well say it properly.

ricky: I don't like it anymore!

steve: Do it-eh, you've got to say-you've got-you've got to say for the tenner otherwise we're taking it back, you've got to say what lovely ankles you've got, but in a sweet seductive voice.

ricky: Right.

karl: Right you've got nice ankles.

steve: That is not how you would seduce a woman.

karl: I would say it like that.

steve: You would seduce a woman like that Karl.

karl: Ask Suzanne.

steve: Ask Suzanne!

steve: Imagine that.

ricky: I don't know-I don't feel good about it.

steve: Leave it off cos I want to see if we can get him to massage your toes.

ricky: I don't know what's worse. I di-I mean I didn't like the feeling much, that wasn't very nice, cos it was all-it was all rough and I-you know-he's-he's a skinhead and he's playin'on the feet. And then I thought aw I've degraded him so I don't know what I feel worse about.

steve: I'll gi-you can keep the tenner that you owe me if you massage his toes.

karl: No I'm not doing that.

ricky: No we've paid him, he's done it. Yeah, the shoes are back on. We're-summat else next week, summat else next week. Okay.

steve: If you'd like Karl to humiliate himself for money, email in.

karl: Well Suzanne was surprised that I was like-last night I told her about it, and I said-

ricky: Oh why did you do that? I don't feel-I don't know what I feel now, I-that's not good. I don't know-that's not good, is it?

karl: And she just said well, you know, uh, you don't like chucking money away and that. And it was funny cos we got talkin about, eh, when-when we bought our first flat in Manchester, right-

karl: I bought a-I bought a bed right, we didn't have much money, and uh, what annoyed me is, I bought the bed and it turned up and I said where's the mattress? And they said well you don't get a mattress with the bed, you gotta buy that separately. And I was like well that's not a bed then, right. So I didn't have any more money. Suzanne's at work, so I thought well I don't wanna stress her out at work an that, telling her we haven't got a mattress for the bed. Had a word with me Dad, right. He knew a mate who had one in the back of a van, right. He said I'll have a word with him, he'll let you have it. Got the van, brought it round. Stunk of diesel an that, but I thought wuh-it's-it's free, okay.

ricky: Stunk of diesel...

karl: They brought it up, stuck it in the spare room. Suzanne got home, she looked at the bed, she said that looks alright, she said where's the mattress. I said it's in the nex-next room but I thought I won't tell her because she won't like the idea. She went in, the room stunk of like petrol fumes an that. She said what-what's going on? I said wel it's...a mattress didn't come with the bed, so I've sorted you one out, I've got this one off me Dad. And...we didn't have one night on it. She said get rid of it.

steve: Yeah

karl: I had to go and ditch it.

steve: I don't know what she was thinking. One of your father's friends is driving around in a van with a mattress in the back.

ricky: Yeah. Was he a serial killer?

steve: I mean...and she didn't want to sleep on it.

ricky: Like summat from Silence of the Lambs.

steve: What kind of a cheapskate is she-what kind of a woman is she, that she won't sleep on a mattress that's been in the back of a transit van since 1985.

karl: (inaudible)

ricky: Covered in petrol, diesel, probably urine and Christ knows what else.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Aw.

karl: So, you know...

ricky: Would you swap pants with Steve for 50 quid now?

ricky: You don't have to look at him, you go in the toilet, he tak-he takes pants off in the toilet, leaves em there, you go in-

ricky: right, you come out with your trousers on, you go in, right, take your pants off, put his pants on, leave your pants in the toilet, come out, you've got his pants on, he goes in there, you come out, you just swap pants, at the end of the show you put it back. How much?

karl: When you say pants what do you mean?

ricky: Just hi-underpants.

karl: Jeans?

ricky: Underpants.

karl: No I'm not doing underpants.

ricky: WHY? Why not?

steve: Seriously, these were fresh on Thursday.

ricky: Yeah but-

steve: For the Baftas-

ricky: But I mean-

steve: For the uh awards, the Sonys.

ricky: D'you know what I mean? But I mean just, name your price, it's gonna be more than 20 quid, it's gonna be more than 20 quid, it's gonna be-it's gonna be like, 80 quid upwards, I think.

steve: No clean on today.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They were clean on today, and they're boxers.

ricky: It's as bad for him as you, don't-don't-remember that.

steve: Thanks for that.

karl: 50 quid?

ricky: REALLY? Play a record.

karl: No 'ang on, you just said you'll give me 50 quid.

ricky: If you'll go and swap pants? I don't what's in it for me, I don't know why I'm doing this. It started off as torturing Karl, but not only am I out ouf pocket, I don't actually want you two to swap pants or touch my ankle.

karl: Well Steve isn't saying no.

ricky: I don't know what I've done, this is-I-this-I'm the victim here. I've paid out and I don't even like it. Play a record I wanna think about this.

steve: Can-I mean-ahem-I've got 50 quid if you...as long as we can swap the pants but both be in the room at the same time.

ricky: Band of Gold by the artist who featured in uh, uh, a recent Rockbuter, uh, clue, which was, I think, uh, uh, the Jamaican fella needs an aspirin for his head. And *burble* to free da pain.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Rockbusters comin' up innit Karl?

karl: We, uh, we *burble* now, get it-get it goin'?

steve: No let's-let's-let's, no let's leave it.

ricky: I thought we weren't doing this any more.

steve: I know, I don't know what happened.

ricky: I don't know-I mean-

steve: But I mean as-I mean we're shooting off in a couple of weeks weeks so...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What difference does it make?

ricky: Yeah

karl: We might-we might as well...Now you've mentioned it it's a good time.

ricky: Go on then.

karl: Right, uh, three cliptic-cryptic clues like the one you've just heard there. Uh, first one-

ricky: Craptic, I like that, is craptic a word?

karl: Uh, first one, me younger brother spotted you the other day. Right, that's the cryptic clue, me younger brother spotted you the other day. The initials: J.S., J.S. for the band. Second one, uh, that champagne belongs to the boxer's kid.

ricky: It's the way he looks up like it's...Oscar Wilde.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It's j-ohhh.

karl: That champagne belongs to the boxer's kid. The initials there A.M. And the third one, uh, the vibrators, and the initial B.

ricky and steve: What?

karl: The vibrators and the initial is B. So the first one, me younger brother spotted you the other day-

ricky: Well I know that one that's ridiculous.

karl: J.S.

ricky: The phone's going.

karl: Second one, that champagne belongs to the boxer's kid, A.M. And the third one, the vibrators, initial B. So, email in and you win-you can say the prizes later, can't you?

ricky: Well I tell you what, this is terrible. I mean, we-we didn't even say the prizes, we weren't going to do this, the phone's going: look at the phones, they're gone mental.

karl: Alright well-

steve: Karl did you ever do paintings and drawings at school and then bring them home and your mum put them on the fridge?

karl: Uh, no, not really, I never brought them home.

steve: What did you just screw em up and throw em in the bin?

karl: I just left them at school.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Cos I never had a bag.

ricky: Never had a bag.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Radiohead, There, There, on XFM 104.9. You see-

karl: Oh I'm sick of it.

ricky: No wait, what-uh-this has given me an idea because-um-I think, what the best thing about this show is what happens when the records are playing.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Cos we-we sort of-

ricky: That's an example-inarticulate, yeah. Didn't have anything planned. Well I started my mouth moving but I didn't have anything planned.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Like-

karl: Why was that? Why-why didn't you have anything planned there?

ricky: What?

karl: Why didn't you know what you were gonna say then?

ricky: Cos-

karl: What were you doing when Radiohead was on?

ricky: I-well, I made Karl a new uniform that he has to wear in the second hour? What did I do?

karl: You got tissue paper.

ricky: Yeah. Toilet roll, yeah.

karl: Ripped a bit off.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Made a little tie for me.

karl: And put some in me ears.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah. So we had earplugs and matching tie.

steve: (chuckling) Yeah.

ricky: And he looked good didn't he?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He had earplugs and matching tie and I-and uh, squeezed it in there and he went I can't it'll irritate me.

steve: Mm. mm.

ricky: So, I'm thinking of things all the time to make this more fun for me.

steve: Yes.

ricky: And it is just like that. I-

steve: Can I, uh, sorry, quick question. Um, just wanna raise-Steve-just wanna raise a little point.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Um, you say that you're spending most of your time thinking about how you can make this more entertaining for yourself.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is it worth ever considering the listeners?

ricky: Well I think that if-if-

steve: If you're happy they're happy?

ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

steve: I'm not sure that's true. I-I've been monitoring a lot of the feedback on email and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It doesn't appear to be the case.

ricky: well that's because Karl won't go along with stuff.

steve: Sure.

ricky: I mean-they can see it on the webcam, his little-matchin-matchin earplugs and tie that I made. I just did a cartoon that went for £350, right, on the In-on the website, right, so that-that's one now yeah we're gonna do it-we're gonna make it really good, we're gonna give 'em lots of stuff and sign DVDs and everything, so that's great, 350 quid. Who is it?

karl: Uh, I think her name was Joanne. It's not definite yet cos we haven't got the money off her.

ricky: Well-she's-um-I-you know. You gotta trust 'em, ain't you? Um, and so, I think people would love to have had a matchin'-you know I'd have signed it and everything-little matchin' earplugs and necktie made out of toilet roll.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: You know and he didn't-doesn't wanna wear it. But I've had a great idea for a show, right, we film the behind the scenes, right, of each show.

steve: Uh-huh.

ricky: So, you know, and you can get a you know, a CD of what went out, but you see what happened behind the scenes, right. And it follows us through a week, right, and it's called X-Men 3.

steve: Ah I see because of XFM.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Right.

ricky: And then we can film all Karl, what Karl looks like when I'm squeezin' his head, about what he's like when we're tryin' to make him touch us. All that sort of stuff. When he's gettin' all stressed out in the day and we just pop up, right-the what he looks like, his little head... everything.

steve: Uh-huh, uh-huh...And would this be broadcast on TV?

ricky: I think so, I think Choice, something like that, BBC3.

steve: Right, okay, yeah.

ricky: Yeah-

steve: I mean I-

ricky: Again-

steve: It's weird because I-I'm -I mean I'm very much in the centre of the storm-I'm very much the eye of the storm.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I know that I myself would not wanna watch that.

ricky: Really?

steve: No because it's um-

ricky: Ain't he negative Karl? He was like this when you came up with Cheap As Chimps, uh, he didn't-he wanted to drop Rockbusters. What was the other thing he didn't like?

ricky: Erm-

karl: Uh that other TV idea I had.

ricky: Yeah what putting a baby in a room, setting it on fire and seeing if it can make its way out.

karl: Setting the room on fire-

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Lets not get silly.

ricky: No no no but he didn't like that, did he?

steve: I mean I don't-I don't wanna sort of...I don't wanna blow my own trumpet but it does seem to me that my criticism of those things is probably justified. I mean Cheap as Chimps-

ricky: Yep.

steve: Where is it now?

ricky: Well...

steve: It's-

karl: Donald McIntyre took it.

steve: Well not really Karl, not really.

ricky: (laughing) Donald Mac-

steve: It is but, um, a pitiful memory. Um, both your game show ideas are terrible. This TV show idea, I think, again, it's only interesting to you Rick. This is what you fail to realise. You've got no sense of the greater public, they don't-to be honest, I'm just taking this from what people are emailing in, they're not interested in Karl.

ricky: See I don't read the emails.

steve: They're not interested in Karl.

ricky: I don't read the emails. They're not interested in Karl?

steve: No they're not interested in Karl.

ricky: But if we do a documentary about him like they did about Oliver the Humanzee-

steve: Now that's a different case!

ricky: Or that girl that was older than her mum or, you know, all those other sort of...things. I think if we actually did a definitive documentary and got in doctors to talk about him-

steve: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

ricky: and, er, showed him-

steve: That psychiatrist from Big Brother.

ricky: Yeah and just talked about it and then showed him in his environment, I think it would be-I think it would be brilliant, I think it'd be a brilliant show.

steve: But I think that's interesting, I think, you're right, some kind of anthropological study of Karl-fascinating. You making a little neckerchief for him, I'm not so convinced.

karl: Well I-but that would all be part of it. Play a record, let's think about this, cos I think this is an idea. If any broadcasters are listening, like Greg Dyke or, erm, you know, we'd even go to Channel 5 with this I think wouldn't we?

steve: (laughing) Really?

steve: I mean, alternatively, if you'd like to, uh, incorporate Karl into some kind of Blue Peter appeal?

ricky: Let's do summat, let's just get Karl-look at his face! How could you not-see a lot of people still don't know what you look like Karl. Play a record.

ricky: Turin Brakes - Painkiller on XFM 104.9.

steve: Couple of emails, Rick, that I out to notify you about: Erm, Holly has emailed in, she wants us to wish her good luck, she says that she's one of 15,000 women who will be walking 26 miles around London, starting at midnight tonight, in their bras, to raise money for breast cancer research.

ricky: Prostitutes.

steve: No no no no, just regular ladies I think.

ricky: Alright.

steve: Erm, but I-I was at a loose end, so that's summat for me to do this evening

steve: I'll uh-no i'll pop down and-and support them. Erm...

ricky: Erm also we gotta-we gotta say hello to, uh, Sonia who's uh, it's her 18th birthday, and we're gonna play a little Smiths track for her later, so, uh, it's uh-we're tryin'-we're tryin' to-

steve: Be interactive.

ricky: Yeah. Um I've seen how other DJs do it, they have phone-ins, they go: (as Dr. Fox) And uh, how are you celebrating tonight? (as caller) Oh we're just going out Foxy. (Dr. Fox) Uh have a good time. Here we go. This is-(normal) You know what I mean. We gotta *burble* have guests, we had Chris Martin in from Coldplay. We're just gonna be a lot-

steve: Well Chris is still here.

ricky: (as Chris Martin) Hullo.

steve: Uh Chris, how do you come up with the ideas for your songs?

ricky: Just make them up in my head with the guitar.

steve: And erm, how old are you now Chris?

ricky: 28.

steve: Thanks very much for that, more from Chris Martin later I imagine.

ricky: (normal) Cheers. Erm, (as Chris) cheers

steve: We've also had an email-(sniggers) er, thanks Chris. We've also had an email from Jim-it's as easy as that. we've had an email from Jim, he says, on the subject of the postcards, his brother once met the bloke who posed for the photo on those biros that when you tip them up, the black ink kind of sinks away and it shows him nude. And he was apparently an aspiring model and he got paid 75 dollars for it in Hong Kong in the seventies.

ricky: Karl would you have done that, would you pose moo-nude for a pen for 75 dollars? I mean inflation goin' up, that's uh, let's double it every ten years say, so yeah...uh that's sort of 150, 300...I'll give you 600 quid to pose nude for biros that we'd give away for XFM.

steve: An XFM biro where your clothes sink away when you turn it upside down.

karl: An what sort of shape was this fella in? Did he look-

steve: He was in pretty good shape, yeah, I think.

karl: Uh...600 quid...

ricky: Yeah, I'd make it back on selling the pens.

karl: Nah, I wouldn't do that.

ricky: Why-

steve: I always remember being at school, uh, when I-the first time I ever encountered one of those pens, there was a kid at school, Jason, and he had, uh, one of those pens and he'd turn it upside down and it was where the woman's clothes sink away and she's naked. And I remember sort of seeing her and him showing it to everyone, all the young lads and them thinking this is amazing, and urm, I always remember thinking it was like the idea that it was sort of a way to cheat teachers. Oh there's Jason, he's just got a pen there with a picture of a woman wearing some clothes, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that.

ricky: If he brings a porn mag in, I'll have him.

steve: He's out.

ricky: Yeah but I can't

steve: But I've always imagined-can you imagine how embarrassing would it be to be caught masturbating over one of those pens.

ricky: (laughing) a businessman

steve: Yeah, exactly, his wife catches him.

ricky: (burbles) (as businessman's wife) Sorry, sorry what are you doing?

steve: (as businessman) Er, just doing some writing with this regular pen.

ricky: Right, wha-

steve: Well no, don't-don't turn it upside down. Don't ah-

ricky: Uh. Can I just come round where you're sitting, just ah-why are you naked?

steve: The only thing I think more embarrassing would be to be caught masturbating looking into a mirror.

ricky: Well for you maybe. For me and Karl it would be alright.

steve: Erm, uh, we should give the Rockbusters clues again one final time before we, um, we give out the answers. And I should mention the prizes aswell, if you still want to enter, uh we we've got so-various things, couple of CDs, a Smash Hits CD-

ricky: (laughing) masturbating looking into a mirror!

steve: Uh, let's move on from that. Club Anthems 2003, Strange And Beautiful-

karl: I don't like being nude.

ricky: Eh?

karl: I hate being nude anyway.

ricky: Why? What do you mean you hate being nude?

karl: It's not normal if you walk about-do you walk about the house with nowt on?

ricky: Well no, cos we got windows.

karl: Yeah but...alright with the blinds shut or whatever.

ricky: Well, I have a bath, with the blinds still

karl: No no, but say like, say like, you know, with Jane and that, are you happy walking about?

ricky: No just-well I walk round in my pants or a towel. I won't-I won't purposely walk round nude for the sake of it, no.

karl: No I know, but-but-but-I, in the morning I don't mind, when I get up-

ricky: Yeah.

karl: To go for a shower. But I don't sort of flaunt it about, I just wondered if that's normal, or...

ricky: Wel no I-what do you mean is it normal? If-if-if noone can see you then...

karl: No right but your girlfriends in and that, but what I mean is-

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's like...you can put a pair of pants on, can't you? D'you know-all I'm saying is-

ricky: Put-put Steve's on if you want.

steve: Yeah, for 30 quid.

ricky: What d'you want-d'you want to put a pair of pants on now?

karl: No it's just that you're asking me to do it for a pen.

ricky: What would you do right, what would you do right, if erm, you did that thing with Steve, and you left your pants in there and you went and you put his on but...there's it was sort of like, it was damp...?

karl: Right so Rockbusters then, we'll get this out of the way right. First one-

steve: Yeah, so the prizes, Karl, uh, I've mentioned-there's a number of CDs, we've also got Wild Weather, erm, a fascinating-it looks like 2 VHS set about weather, about various weather conditions around the world. That must be selling like hotcakes.

ricky: Sian Lloyd could be in that now, couldn't she?

steve: Yeah, indeed. And erm, also signed by Norman, it's Fatboy Slim's Big Beach Boutique, that must have been troublesome for the station that-that has uh, you know, close ties with Norman to get hold of, but well done. And uh, that's Fatboy Slim Big Beach Boutique. So yeah there's a number of not bad prizes to give away and the clues were Karl...?

karl: Uh, first one was, uh, me younger brother spotted you the other day, the initials J.S. We had erm, that chapagne belongs to the boxer's kid, that was A.M. And uh, third one the vibrators-

ricky: That's rubbish, that one!

karl: And the initial B.

steve: We'll give away the uh, the prizes and the answers, next.

ricky: Erm, are we gonna play a record or...d'you-what we got coming up, we got Monkey News...

karl: Yeah we got that. We got, uh...

ricky: We got loads, too numerous to mention at the moment.

steve: We got any adverts?

karl: We got some of them.

steve: Oh brilliant.

karl: Cram them in later.

steve: Excellent, look forward to that.

karl: Joe Jackson.

ricky: Good-good track, good tune.

karl: Why it's on.

ricky: (laughing) Different For Girls: Joe Jackson on XFM 104.9. A retro cut! Erm, bit of monkey news would be good Karl, if you got that.

steve: Well hold on, heyyyy-

ricky: Well we nee-we're struggling here, we're struggling Steve.

steve: Wait a minute!

ricky: I-I-I-

steve: Rick you say that, but wait a minute the answers for Rockbusters are coming up right now.

steve: So, you thought people were turning off. Nooo.

ricky: Awww, we got-oh what we done, we've done...take my shoes off for money. (in DJ voice) Take my shoes off for money! (normal voice) We've done that, we've done, erm, ooh, look at these funny postcard breasts, and uh we've done we didn't win a Sony! Erm, coming up monkey-

steve: Regular features.

ricky: Erm, (whispers) ugh Jeez have we got...(normal voice) We've got nothing have we?

steve: Come on.

ricky: Sometimes it's good-come on Karl save us. You've gotta save us, we don-

karl: So Rockbusters answers then: are we doin' 'em now Steve?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Mm.

karl: Right. Er, first one me younger brother spotted you the other day. The initials there J.S. That was Junior Senior.

karl: Right?

ricky: Yeah, good, I'll give you that.

karl: Errrrm, second one, that champagne belongs to the boxer's kid. That was A.M. That was Alison's Moet, Ali-son's Moet, Alison Moyet for the second one.

steve: Sorry just give us the clue again.

karl: That champagne belongs to the boxer's kid.

steve: So Muhammad Ali's son-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right, Alison-Ali's son's Moet...

karl: Yeah.

steve: Brilliant.

karl: And then the third one always an easy one in there for everyone so they can take part, uh, the vibrators, and the initials B, and that's Buzzcocks.

ricky: (mock-shocked whisper) You can't say cocks. That's why we didn't win the award, that's why-you can't say cocks.

karl: Have got a winner?

steve: We have indeed, erm, I chose him because his name amused me, erm, which is a bit harsh.

ricky: It's not Mr. tits?

steve: No-no-no, Gerald Preston.

steve: Sorry Gerald, I don't know why that tickled me, it's so unfair.

ricky: (laughing) Oh, that only tickled me cos it's not funny. There's nothing funny about Gerald Preston. There is nothing funny-

steve: I think it was because it sounded like it was a man of a different generation. I think that was my entire-

ricky: (laughing) Gerald Preston!

steve: It sounded like-

ricky: (laughing) That's terrible!

steve: I know!

ricky: Right, Gerald there is nothing funny about that name!

steve: There's nothing funny about the name Gerald-

ricky: He just-Steve just made me laugh-he knew-

steve: (laughing) I don't know why that made us funny-made us laugh, but, it just tickled me-but Gerald, whatever you think of your name, don't worry because these prizes including Fatboy Slim-

ricky: (laughing) There's nothing funny about Gerald Preston!

steve: I don't know Gerald if you're a fan of Wild Weather, but you've got a 2-VHS set coming you're way, so you certainly will be interested in extreme weather conditions by the end of that I would have thought, plus some arbitrary CDS, so, erm good luck Gerry.

ricky: Oh dear, oh oh dear. Excellent, right, brilliant.

steve: Good, that's that sorted. Right, let's have another tune and then maybe some Monkey News.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well actually, now you've sort of mentioned a bit of monkeys news, that I found something in the week right, that we've talked about in the past right, that-and we've got some other monkey stuff but this is just...Oh forget it, I-

ricky: (squawks) Oh what? What?

karl: I-

ricky: Come on, what's the matter with you?

karl: Right d'you know that thing we did ages ago?

ricky: What?

karl: When uh, we were out one day and we were talking about monkeys in-in a room with uh, with a PC, and if you leave them in there long enough-

ricky: Yeah eventually they, er- an infinite amount of monkeys or one monkey and an infinite amount of time will eventually type the complete works of Shakespeare. Yeah.

karl: Right we talked about that ages ago.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I said it wouldn't happen.

ricky: No-it doesn't make sense. You can't say it wouldn't happen it doesn't make sense, it's a mathematical conundrum, it doesn't make sense.

steve: Anyway!

ricky: Go on.

karl: Anyway, right, they got a couple of monkeys-

ricky: Right, so not an infinite amount then.

steve: Okay so-alright, but never mind.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Eh, got a couple of monkeys, put it in a room.

ricky: Yeah

karl: Er, I dunno if it was, uh, if it was one PC or they got-got a job lot or whatever.

ricky: Not an infinite amount then.

karl: And uh, left them in there for a month.

ricky: Oh not an infinite amount of time then either.

steve: Okay.

ricky: So two monkeys, a month: okay go on yeah I see the experiment's working so far.

karl: No there's like, about eight monkeys.

ricky: Oh EIGHT monkeys, hold on let me just work that out as a-as a fraction of infinity: it's one-hold on-infinity-eight into infinity, oh god, uh-uum, a month...

steve: And what happened then Karl? Did they type the complete works of Shakespeare, I'm assuming they did?

ricky: No they-they-they-no they only did a proprtion of it.

steve: (chuckling) Okay what...

ricky: They just did MacBeth.

steve: What happened then Karl, please tell us.

karl: They-they didn't have anything, they didn't come up with anything.

ricky: You're an idiot Karl, you really are an idiot! Play a record! That's ridic-well what did you expect? What did you expect? A bit-a bit of Keats-

karl: No, no.

ricky: And page three of the Radio Times by one of them, the cleverest one.

karl: No but what they did say is they didn't even get-they didn't even write one word out.

ricky: Well-no-you don-no-infinity, or nothing: that's the point. There's a big leap any number you can think of, and infinity. In fact, an infinite leap. Do you understand the concept of infinity? Don't rub your eyes. I-I-I lost on him on 'Do you'-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Didn't I? Right play a record.

steve: Did they type any-did they type nothing from like any of the Tarzan books?

karl: No, nothing.

steve: But-but they must have read them, I mean that would've been their favourite, surely? I'm stunned.

ricky: I can't believe they didn't even do, like, a transcript of Every Which Way But Loose.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I can't believe it, they must have turned to some really thick monkeys.

steve: They didn't type any of Charlton Heston's speeches from, erm, from Planet Of The Apes.

ricky: I can't believe it.

steve: That doesn't make sense!

ricky: It doesn't make sense. You'd have thought six monkeys in a month would have done something.

steve: Yeah. At least a script for BJ And The Bear.

steve: The irony being of course in BJ And The Bear that it was a monkey not a bear.

ricky: Really?

ricky: Stuck in a momemt and you can't get out of it, by U2, I know how they feel.

steve: Ooh just a quick thought, I just had a sudden thought. Erm, just a little update on something we talked about ages ago on the show: you might remember I said once that, erm, if I ever met Dido I thought I had a good chance with her.

ricky: Yeah yeah.

steve: Because she looks like the sort of womam that would work in say a photocopying shop.

ricky: Yeah, yeah

steve: And she'd probably be quite charmed by me and stuff.

ricky: Or a secretary that sort of like wrote a couple of songs-

steve: Exactly.

ricky: And the boss said-put-entered her in something-

steve: Yeah

ricky: And it-and it won.

steve: She did them at the Chistmas party, everyone clapped.

ricky: Exactly yeah.

steve: Well anyway just an update on that: so far nothing's happened.

ricky: You haven't-haven't-

steve: I haven't met her, nothing's going on so far.

ricky: No? Okay.

steve: I'll keep you posted on that Rick, I know you're interested.

ricky: But I-I-I-I imagine it's a foregone conclusion when you do though.

steve: It's only a matter of time.

ricky: That's the beauty of it, it-you know, when I hear you met her, you don't need to say any more.

steve: (laughing) Okay, well I just give you the-I'll let you know.

ricky: Just say-just wink and say I met Dido last night and I'll go say no more.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: You don't-you don't need...

steve: (chuckling) I'll just look a little bleary eyed...

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Erm, and uh, probably still wearing the same clothes.

ricky: From the-from the Mace.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: Er, right-

steve: Anyway I just thought I'd keep you abreast of that.

ricky: Yeah. All the breast from London, Karl. Come on Karl, cheer up.

steve: Talking of tits, Karl!

ricky: You've had a good week.

karl: Did you have to do a month's notice?

ricky: Little bit of friction, little bit of friction between Steve and Karl. I think they're uh, you know, they're getting to each other. Which is, which is-

steve: Well...These undepants are pinching!

ricky: Come on Karl cheer up. You're lucky: you know how many people would-would pay good money to...

steve: Karl you've had a good night out this week: you went to the-the Sonys, you had a free meal-

karl: Yeahhh, well, that annoyed me, I don't-

steve: Go on, we came away empty handed, but-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Was a good night wasn't it, you enjoyed that?

ricky: D'you enjoy that?

ricky: I hate it, but go on.

karl: I'm just finding more and more things are annoying me.

ricky: Really.

karl: Like even-like at that-at that Sonys night, you've got a lot of, uh, respectable people going to that thing, you know, people who are high up at the BBC and that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And, just the way, you know, it's uh-it's a posh night, there's people there with dinner jackets on and stuff. And uh I went to the toilet for a wee: old feller in there, I thought he looks-he looks like he's been in the, you know, the radio game for years, probably done loads of award-winning Sony stuff-

ricky: Yeah

karl: You know, uh, all the BBC documentaries they do in-depth stuff and I thought, you know, I wonder if I'll be like him when I'm-when I'm older, I wonder if I'm as good as him: thinking all that, he's having a wee in the next urinal, farts-

ricky: (laughing slightly) I know, yeah...

karl: He just farts.

karl: Old fella in a dinner jacket, probably hired. And I thought he's not even showing respect to that.

ricky: But is that what-is that like they-they try to, they well I'd better do it in here, and it's sort of like a trumpet, and uh, everyone-everyone just goes yeah that's fine, what's up with that? You know-uh-yeah I know what you mean: is it he's-it's just the arrogance of doing it?

karl: He just did it: uh- it was-uh-it sounded like a-a lost whale.

karl: And-and he didn't sort of go ooh and try and clinch it, it went-it carried on, and then he went Ohhh, that was a good one.

ricky: REALLY?

karl: Old fella, must have been about 70.

ricky: Oh, dear.

steve: Well, better out than in.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But it's not though, I wasn't-I wasn't brought up like that, you see.

steve: Right.

karl: Cos, I did it-I mean I never really did it that much as a kid.

steve: Sure.

karl: And then...I was at me Mam and Dad's-

steve: You never-sorry-you never did it that much as a kid: what, farted?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay.

karl: Not-not just like, you know, as a joke and that-

ricky: We're-we are taping this for next year's Sony awards, aren't we, we're taping this, what we're talking about now, aren't we, to hand in? Cos this is-go on.

karl: But I was at-at me Mam and Da's right, and uh, Suzanne was sat on the floor in front of me, and she was like ooh rub me neck, it's hurting, so I thought ohhh, and I hate doing that, it really du-it bores me, right-

steve: Well she's you're girlfriend for goodness sake.

ricky: I know, Dale Winton, different, you're getting paid for that, go on.

karl: So I thought, the only way to shift her is I'll let one go, right, so I did that-

ricky: (laughing) I love that!

steve: It's such a loving relationship.

ricky: (laughing) I love that, that's great. Awww

karl: So she-

ricky: Like doing the washing up badly: she won't ask me again. What have you done? I've smashed the cups up and I've written-written in excrement across the wall. Well that's no good. Isn't it? Well I won't do it again then.

steve: Gimme the Marigolds, I'll do it.

ricky: I've nailed the cat to the fridge: what's up with that? Go on.

karl: But yeah so I-so I did that and it worked, she sort of got up and said ohh. And me Dad said what d'you do that for?

steve: What was he thinking?

karl: So I said ohh, I hate-I hate rubbing her neck, it does me head in. So he said you know, I've never trumped, in front of your mother, for 40 years.

ricky: Sorry, where was this, Chigley? Why was this family talking like this?

ricky: Erm, (cod-Lancashire accent) youg Karl, I've never trumped in front of your mother in the 35 years. Why are you-why-what-what? I don't know what-

karl: No it's just that, it's just that he said, you know, we've done a lot of things in the family that we're not proud of and that-

ricky: Hold on what-why did he say that for, what he's never-he's never 'trumped' in front of your mother?

steve: He just offered that information up?

karl: Well he-he was just surprised that I did it, he said where have you got that from?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Well, you-you (laughing) your lower intestines, I'd have thought. What do you mean-I'd-imagine, imagine there's a class for farting. Oh-ah-we haven't-we haven't told our kids about farting, he doesn't-he doesn't do it, we haven't told him about it, we haven't-no we don't do it in front of him. You don't have to learn it do you?

karl: No I know but there's a-there's a place, that's what I was always told.

ricky: Go on.

karl: There's a place for that.

ricky: Cornwall.

karl: So erm, and m- and me mam, you know it's the same, she-she doesn't do it.

ricky: Right.

karl: If she goes to the toilet to, you know, do-do what you gotta do, she uh, she makes sure like-she'll sorta say things like are you going out for a walk?

steve: Are you going out for a walk?

ricky: (laughing) Does she think-does she know that you're broadcasting this?

karl: Well...yeah.

steve: She's probably round at the neighbours now listening.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: (as Mrs Pilkington) Any of you going out for a walk?

ricky: (laughing) Yeah just *inaudible*

steve: So she what-she kind of, she waits until everyone's left, or...

karl: She-she doesn't like the thought that everyone-d'you know like cats don't like you staring at 'em, when they're doing it?

steve: I've never stared at a cat while it was doing anything.

karl: Have you ever had a pet cat?

steve: Not really.

ricky: (laughing) What d'you mean-yeah, go on, go on.

karl: No it's just that cats, uh, you know, if you get 'em a little litter tray-

ricky: Yeah

karl: I remember being told like, now when it does use it, don't sort of go and look at it, cos it put-it puts it off. I was the same as a kid. I didn't-when I had a nappy-

ricky: (high-pitched burble) Who comes and looks at you when you're on the bog?

karl: No no, when I was a kid and when I was in a nappy, right-

ricky: Yep.

karl: I used to always, erm, like, there-there was a corner in the kitchen that I'd always go to. And everyone would be like-

ricky: Why didn't you go to the toliet?

karl: Cos I had a nappy on.

ricky: Oh yeah, right, how old were you?

steve: 14th birthday?

karl: I dunno, about-about-about three or something.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right.

karl: And I used to always go to this corner.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And everyone-everyone said right, he's-he's going to the corner, don't watch-don't stare at him.

ricky: (laughing) It's uh-the thing is, I can so imagine you, cos you've got the same head.

steve: Yeah, you look like a baby.

ricky: It's just a baby's head *burbles*. Would you-okay-would you put a nappy on for 50 quid?

karl: Now?

ricky: Yeah. Just-I just mean-just sitting-just do your work, right-

karl: Well anyway, anyway right-

steve: Just sit in the corner.

karl: So i'm not getting-I'm not doing that, right.

ricky: Go on.

karl: So yeah, me mam's like that, and something else she's-she's good I mean people might wanna know.

ricky: (burbles) At a dinner party, oh that's just Mrs. Pilington just in the corner just, don't look at her-

steve: Yeah, don't look at Mrs. P.

ricky: She's just-she's in the corner of our kitchen, don't-just look away, What's she doing? She's just doing her business. There she is-there she is squatting. (as Mrs. P) Are you going for a walk?

steve: Sorry you were saying Karl?

karl: Another uh, another trick I've learned from her, right, if uh, if you're using say a friend's toilet or something, and uh, you don't wanna leave your mark, erm, just use-

ricky: Go down the toilet and flush it.

karl: Use a uh, take a box of matches with you.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And-

ricky: (laughing) Set fire to the curtains.

steve: (laughing) Set fire to the-set fire to the curtains, cause a distraction.

ricky: Burn the place down, have a wonderful crap, and just leave when the fire briagade get there.

karl: Ah forget it.

karl: (muffled) Brilliant.

ricky: Who is it?

karl: It's Vines.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's good one.

ricky: Wel, you don't go 'brilliant', do ya? If you're gonna talk, you do-say summat useful.

karl: There ya go. Vines there, Homesick.

ricky: Brilliant. Now come on we can-should do Monkey News now. Because-I know you wanna save it but, I think you should put your best stuff first. You never know what'll happen, you know what I mean? Always put your...best stuff out there.

karl: If you let me just get it out of the uh...

steve: Okay well while he's getting it can we have a jingle for Monkey News?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Tell you what-


karl: Tell you what right, about putting uh...putting your best stuff first.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right. D'you know uh-d'you know we were saying the other-the other week about in Chinatown, uh-

ricky: Not really a town.

karl: Well it's not-it's not a town, right, and like, the restaurants, they 'ang-they have, like-

ricky: Oh, those horrible dead ducks and chickens, just hangin' in the window, yeah.

karl: And octopus and all that, just hangin' there.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: And that doesn't, like, make you wanna go in, does it?

steve: No, sure.

karl: This morning, walking through Soho on the way in, walked past this sort of strip joint place, this woman said d'you wanna come in sir? Right, turned round, she must have been about 80.

ricky: So, you're equating her to a-a-a hangy bit of octopus-

karl: Well, I just said-

steve: You said are you performing?

ricky: And a chicken.

karl: I'm just saying, again, put your best stuff at the front door.

steve: (laughing slightly) Yeah, good thinking.

karl: Right anyway, bit o' Monkey News that's been uh-that's been sent in.

ricky: Right.

karl: Uh, Gareth in Catford.

ricky: Right.

steve: Good work, Gareth.

karl: Erm, basically, it's about this uh, this monkey-

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: Oh yeah.

karl: In the jungle-

ricky: Yeah

karl: Uh...it's got a gig at an 'airdressers.

ricky: What are you talking about?

ricky: What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

karl: It's got-it's got uh-it's got itself a nice little job going in an 'airdressers.

ricky: As what?

karl: It erm, gets people sitting down, erm, and what it does before the people have their 'air cut, that-it sort of sits there, and it goes through people's air, makes sure it's clean, and uh, people are loving it.

steve: Right, backtrack *inaudible*

ricky: So it's a-so-so it's a pet monkey. It's nothing to do with it getting a gig in an 'airdressers. It's a pet monkey.

steve: It's not working at Monkey & Guy.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No, no-uh, seriously, it's uh-it's in there. Uh, I think might have have started off as a job and then-

ricky: So what does it say? It says (hairdresser voice) Junior 15 pounds, stylist 35 pounds, monkey 63 pounds. Cut and blowdry.

steve: Sorry I didn't quite follow: it's in the jungle?

karl: It was wandering about...

karl: And mayb-maybe it did start off

steve: But it looked good, it's hair looked good, someone thought hang on-

karl: Yeah but never ever-you see people make that mistake with 'airdressers anyway. I always say well if the 'airdresser's got a good 'aircut go to where he's going.

steve: Right.

karl: Right? Cos that's what I thought when I read it about 'avin' a good 'aircut.

steve: How often to you go to the hairdressers?

karl: Well not that much anymore-

steve: Sure.

karl: But-but I used to always think that.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Err-

ricky: You used to go to a bloke who, you told me, had his shack on a railway bridge that used to shake when a train went over.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Cos it was two quid.

karl: Yeah but before that, I've never had that much luck with 'airdressers, before that was a-was another place, and it was run by sort ofyou know these, sort of, wannabe gangster type people.

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: But they'd uhh...you know you'd go in for 'aircut-

ricky: What d'you mean by 'wannabe gangsters'?

karl: Well sort of just-just petty crime stuff, you'd go in for 'aircut and then you'd walk out with a video recorder. D'you what I mean, you'd say-

ricky: You don't have to take it.

karl: No I know but they'd sort of spend ages flogging you that whilst cutting your 'air, it was their thing, it's like right sit down, y'alright?

ricky: Yeah

karl: Ooh, you know-

ricky: Something for the weekend? What are you think of? (Manc accent) Maybe a Sony? Yeah.

karl: Yeah. So and-so that's when I stopped going there cos it was like...just want an 'aircut, I don't wanna be hassled by-

ricky: Which one said that you had the hair of a Chinaman?

karl: It's the feller who worked in a railway station haircut...saloon.

steve: (laughing slightly) Well he should know. I mean he's been around a bit, clearly, if he runs a shack next to a railway station.

karl: So erm...

steve: Can we just go back to Monkey News for a second?

karl: Yeah. So anyway, yeah so, yeah...

steve: I didn't quite follow, why-he-he-he's still-he'still-his-his salon is in the jungle, or where is it?

karl: No, he-he was doing his-doing what he does in the jungle, right.

steve: Right.

karl: Erm, he's walking about, he wanders into the hairdressers.

steve: Yeah

karl: Maybe they didn't have him on, like, as a job straight away, he was just there-

steve: He was a trainee.

karl: (inaudible) this is nice. He was sat there picking the nits and what have you-

ricky: Oh I-oh Karl I don't know where to start!

karl: Then-

ricky: It's just the-it's not-it's the embellishment, you don't-walkin'--he walked from a jungle to an 'airdressers, I mean you're an idiot, you really are an-I'd love to see you tryin' to get a job in an 'airdresser, if there was another monkey up for it. You'd never get a job.

karl: So he was good at that, people said this is relaxing, apparently he had really nice hands, soothing-

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, on people's heads. They said, let's put him on the payroll.

ricky: Let's put him on the payroll. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

karl: There y'are, I'll give you that.

steve: Okay this is the news item, is it? (reads) Customers are queuing up to have their hair done at a salon in the jungle-

karl: (under his breath) There you go.

steve: By a monkey. Judy, a pig-tailed macaque, has a reputation as the best exterminator of headlice in Kom-keng.

karl: There you go.

steve: She is so good, some customers fall asleep under her gentle touch. Regular ** said Judy's hands are so soft and gentle, I really feel I can relax.

ricky: But you know that is doing what it does naturally. It's looking for like, salt and stuff in the hair.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: And nits. It's not on the payroll. It doesn't complain about when it gets-when it gets deducted er national insurance.

steve: (laughing slightly) It's not part of the union.

ricky: Yeah. D'you know what I mean? But-but a good Monkey News, you know, backed up with uh, with good tabloid journalism.

steve: With hard-with sol-yeah with solid evidence there.

ricky: Yeah. So...

steve: Now that's-I think we should start marking the Monkey News Rick, I don't know what you think, giving it marks out of ten maybe.

ricky: Er...

steve: For both interest and validity.

ricky: Well for interest I'll give it seven, for Karl's-Karl believing that there was something to this monkey thinking it had a job and getting paid-

steve: Yeah. That it was also doing kind of perms-

ricky: Two.

steve: And colouring.

ricky: Two. Ridiculous. Again, ridiculous.

steve: More Monkey News next week, hopefully. Let's just hear that jingle again.

ricky: Ooh, Chimpanzee that! Monkey News!

ricky: Peace Train-in't that brilliant?-Cat Stevens. Now, well, I've-I've sort of enjoyed the last, sort of, you know, hour or so, after-after the disappointment of the Sonys. Erm, I-I think we are gonna give up, to be honest: erm, do another week and then shoot off.

steve: Yeah, knock it on the head.

ricky: Okay. We were only doing it for a laugh anyway. But-

steve: If they're not gonna reward us for that then it's not really worth it.

ricky: D' you know what I mean? But, I'll tell you what could-but, what about this? Karl, can you find out who was on the panel?

ricky: Can you?

karl: But what difference does it make?

ricky: Well I wanna- I want you to interview-I want you to phone 'em up and-and I want you to tell 'em why, why erm, they didn't think our show was any good.

steve: Yeah let them explain themselves.

ricky: Just explain themselves, they've got to stand by their convictions. Find 'em all, track 'em down, there's probably about 300-

karl: Yeah but what do you expect them-

ricky: I want them to tell the truth.

karl: They're not gonna say no you're right, the Monkey News should've, you know, done the job for you, I don't know whether-

ricky: I just want people...I don't want 'em to be-I don't want 'em to sit in a room and hide. I want the three people on the panel-I'll find them out-to say we didn't vote for you because we thought it was shoddy, amateurish, annoying, there was too much swearing. I'll go fair enough, well done mate. You: we didn't vote for you because Karl's voice is an irritant. Okay? Okay, well done mate, you're alright. Er, we didn't vote for you because, er, Gervais, you're a fat useless git who understands nothing about broadcasting.

steve: Now that guy knows something!

ricky: (laughing) Yeah. And I'll go right, I'm not so happy with that, but at least you told the truth. But, get 'em on the phone. Find out, find out from Andrew-

steve: I notice none of them have mentioned me, which is good.

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: They obviously think I'm pretty good.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. They probably all love Steve.

karl: Noone likes to pick on an invalid, though, d'you know what I mean? That's-I'm just-

ricky: We erm, we gotta play a request here, for erm, what's her name? who's - don't, leave it Steve - uh Sonia who's 18 today, we couldn't find William It Was Really Nothing by The Smiths because er, whoever is in charge of the library, er, I mean, they probably won an award for it, but, you know, she didn't ask for Four Non-Blondes, so I found There Is a Light by The Smiths. So, a week to go...

steve: Just, it's not... I'm not in the mood...(fades into song)

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