XFM Vault - S02E40 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

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ricky: “Out of Time” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me is Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I really like that Blur track. I think it’s the best thing they’ve ever done.

steve: Blimey!

ricky: So--

steve: Strong words.

ricky: They can quote me on that if they want.

steve: (laughing) Yes.

ricky: On their, on their--

steve: I’m sure they’ll have to.

ricky: On their, uh, you know--

steve: On their posters.

ricky: One of their albums.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: If they wanted. Well, listen. You’re lucky I’m here, Steve. Right?

steve: Okay.

ricky: I’m- you can see- you know, you know something’s happened. I’ve done me back in again.

steve: Right.

ricky: Alright? I’ve-I’ve got a special chair in here. I’m in…agony.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I’m on the strongest pain killers I can get.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Uh, I feel a bit- right. Karl- I had to call Karl up today and say, “Look, I don’t know if I can make it in. Can you come and get me?” He came over to my house. We got in a cab and he got me here. Right? Um, while he was ‘round my house, uh, Jane showed him, um, sort of, camcorder footage of how I actually did it.

steve: Of how you hurt your back?

ricky: And, uh, I-I wanted Karl to tell you cause I was actually worried if I didn’t turn up, what you’d say to me.

steve: Yes.

ricky: What-what-what was I doing, Karl?

karl: Right, so. I get ‘round to his place, right? Says, “Right. Hit play on the video.” Right? Uh, have you ever seen…a gorilla having a fight?

steve: Uh, I think I have, yeah. Yeah.

karl: It’s like that. Him and his mate ‘round at his place last night. Decided to, sort of, have a bit of a wrestle.

steve: Yes.

karl: Um… it went on- I mean, how much footage--

ricky: Honestly, it was like a scene from “Women in Love.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, we’d had about five fights. We had to stop at one point cause his arm was bleeding.

steve: You’d had about five fights?

ricky: Yeah. Well, we were wrestling. We were doing wrestling, right, in ff- the ff-- just behind the couch.

steve: What, in the lounge?

ricky: Yeah! Well, we were on our knees and then, sort of, like, (unknown) ‘round, you know and I kept, I kept winning with an arm lock. Right?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And then the last time, right, he sort of threw me and I- on my- I went on my back and my back was done. And I was, you know. It was Iain Morris.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Who’s, uh, you know.

steve: Yeah. Now isn’t he a, um--

ricky: Commissioning editor at Channel--

steve: Isn’t he a commissioning editor of comedy at Channel 4?

ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah. And, uh, the funny thing was that we-we’d had lots and lots of wine and we ran around--

steve: You surprise me.

ricky: Yeah, right. And we were going, “Come on, come on, come on. Take- film this.” Um, the time we film- I said, “Film this.” Jane went, “Ohh,” right? And (laughing) I took my shirt off!

ricky: Right there and you could just hear slapping! Oh, God.

steve: Why- can I just ask, though, I mean, it’s a Friday night.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, you had a couple drinks.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, there’s some intellectual conversation.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: How does it get around to, “Do you fancy wrestling me?”

ricky: Well, I’m-I’m--

steve: “And having it filmed?”

ricky: Well, I was- he was on the couch, but I kept sticking my socks in his face to annoy him.

steve: (laughing) Sure.

ricky: Right?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And then he-he hit me on the shin and I got sharp shins. And it hurt. And I was going, “I’m going to smack your face in.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He’s done kickboxing and it’s that thing like you sort of joke and they go, “Come on, then.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And you start- have you ever seen anything when Jack Osbourne fights that skater dude--

steve: No, I haven’t seen it.

ricky: On the “Osbournes?” I was very much the Jack Osbourne figure.

steve: Right, yeah. The fat bloke’s the guy who just came out of rehab.

karl: I’ll tell ya what it was like, Steve. Have you ever seen, like, the David Attenborough stuff?

karl: Where, like, a tiger will be ripping a deer’s head off and you think, “Why doesn’t the camera crew stop it?”

steve: Yes, yeah.

karl: You’re sort of watching, thinking, “Why was Jane just letting this happen?”

steve: Why is she not stepping in and intervening? Yeah.

karl: And the thing is she said, “Right, you’ve seen enough, haven’t you?” and stopped it so I don’t know how much footage you’ve got.

ricky: (laughing) It wasn’t much! Wasn’t much.

steve: But can I- cause your lounge is not huge and there’s not much space between the-the-the back of the sofa and the table.

ricky: I- it doesn’t need- it was just, it was just, uh, a pin or a submission, so it was- it was all over with, like, one of us throwing the other on their back, arm locked.

steve: How does this- I mean, how do you start with a wrestling match? Are you both stood up or are you--

ricky: No, on your knees and you, sort of, like, go together (laughing) like rutting steers.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Oh, dear.

steve: Like a giant walrus.

ricky: It’s not gay. Play a record.

steve: Can we put that online?

steve: Can we get that on the web? That-that I would love to see.

karl: Bit of Rod Stewart?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Stewart. “May.”

steve: Indeed! You need say no more. If people don’t know what it is from that information, forget ‘em.

ricky: X! Gervais, Merchant, Pilk.

steve: (laughing) Exactly.

ricky: Alright?

steve: Exactly. Rick, I was out last night in the Crouch End area. And I passed a- I always- things upset me like this. It was a restaurant. It was a little French restaurant.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But you barely noticed it. You walked past. It was like a row of houses and a little French restaurant there. Open, it was kind of summer-y.

ricky: Bistro.

steve: No one in there, Rick. It was about ten to ten.

ricky: You’re joking?

steve: I’m thinking if no one’s in there ten to ten on a Friday evening, it’s doomed. And it really upset me. It genuinely upset me because I always think about the little French guy in there. He, you know, he’s put all his money into that.

ricky: Rène.

steve: He’s convinced his wife to do it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, she’s not convinced, but she’s a great cook.

ricky: Eve.

steve: Exactly. And it’s already going down the pan.

ricky: D’you know why? You don’t want French food on a hot summer’s night, you want Mexican food.

steve: (laughing) Indeed. Some kind of Tapas.

steve: But, um--

ricky: Exactly.

steve: But then I was- cause we were just discussing other things that upset us and, uh, I glimpsed--

ricky: War.

steve: Well, true. Obviously, war. I mean, obviously, I started with war--

ricky: Famine.

steve: Famine.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Disease.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: SARS, that sort of thing.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: And then, uh, then it came down the list to, uh, worried about people who manufacture fax machines.

ricky: Why, cause the technology--

steve: Well, are they--

ricky: Moving on?

steve: I mean, if you want to- say you’re making fax machines. You’re a little company, you make fax machines.

ricky: A little what?

steve: A little company.

ricky: Oh, right.

steve: You’re making fax machines. Are you allowed to use e-mail?

ricky: What, like if you work for Coke you’re not allowed to drink Pepsi publicly?

steve: Exactly. It just seems like I’m-I’m assuming--

ricky: The thing is--

steve: Fax machine sales are plummeting.

ricky: Now, the thing is, right? This is it. Now, I haven’t got a fax machine. You’re right, I’ve got e-mail, but I much prefer a fax.

steve: Why?

ricky: Cause you get it. It comes out the other- it comes out the other side!

steve: Yeah, but--

ricky: D’you know what I mean? It is--

steve: But the thing is--

ricky: It is what they’ve sent, that’s what’s great about a fax.

steve: But you can print off your e-mail, can’t you, and then you’ve got it in hard copy.

ricky: Well, I don‘t know.

steve: It’s sort of instant.

ricky: I don’t look at the e-mails. A fax comes out, it’s there. It goes- it’s like someone putting a little Post-it on your face. D’you know what I mean? You go, “Oh, yeah. I’ll read that.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Whereas e-mail, you’ve got e-mail. “Ugh.” You know what I mean?

steve: Yeah. No, I- but what worries me is whether fax- I’m assuming fax machines are just- I mean, I don’t know if there’s anyone listening who works, maybe, for a fax machine--

ricky: 08700 800 1234! If you’re in the fax industry, give us a call! Tell us, uh, you know, what sort of, sort of figures.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know.

steve: Exactly, yeah.

ricky: We want “down seventeen percent,” something like that.

steve: (laughing) Something like that. That’s good stats.

ricky: “In the southwest.”

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Those are the kind of stats--

ricky: Um, but, uh, you’ve got a- do you have fax machines yet in the north, Karl?

karl: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, do- you’re loving it, innit ya?

karl: I like getting letters.

steve: Well, no one sends letters anymore, do they?

ricky: You like getting a scroll from a man on a horse.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Saying you’re--

steve: When do you get letters?

karl: To- me mam still sends me the odd letter.

steve: Sure.

karl: Even though I call, she’ll still- she-she likes sitting down at a table and--

ricky: Yeah. So what, you call and ask some questions. There’s no reply and then you get a letter a day letter, going--

steve: (laughing) Yeah, about three weeks later.

ricky: “Question one: yes, I am well!”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “Question two: yes, your father’s well.”

steve: Yeah.

karl: No, it’s nice, though, innit?

ricky: Yeah, a letter’s nice.

steve: It’s nice to receive a letter, yeah. It’s always nice to receive a letter.

ricky: Particularly if, like, you know, you're on a, sort of, expedition.

steve: Ha!

karl: But--

ricky: Innit?

steve: Yeah.

karl: What does annoy me, though. You-you were looking at ‘em the other day. You know, you were talking about the pictures on ‘em. Postcards.

steve: Yes.

karl: Don’t like them.

steve: You don’t like, you don’t like postcards?

karl: No, they annoy me.

karl: And just-just because there’s never anything of any interest and the fact that, even though it’s been sent to you, you’re the last one to read it.

ricky: I just- whenever I used to send my mum a postcard, uh, everyday I, uh- every time I sent her one, I’d horrify her by putting on it, “Having a lovely time. Um, does that pig of a postman still read all your letters?”

ricky: And she’d just be horrified. Just be terrified--

steve: Nice.

ricky: He’d looked at it or something.

steve: This is what worries me. I’ve always assumed that people would read a postcard. If I was a postman, I’d definitely read a- every single postcard.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So if you’re on holiday, you know--

ricky: What do you mean? How- you wouldn’t have a lot of time left if you read every postcard.

steve: No, but af- as you’re posting them, as you were posting them through the letter box, you’d have a quick look, wouldn’t you, to see what was- what they’re up to. Because that’s why I never used to write anything of any interest on a postcard, cause I didn’t wanna, you know, I didn’t want anyone to, sort of, know what I was up to. Let’s say I was on a bawdy lads holiday, you know.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: I’d just write some, you know, “Nice. Sunny. You know, got meself a lovely pair of shorts.”

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Something like that. You know, I would- I’d keep the truth, Rick!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: For when I got home.

ricky: Well, he’s looking forward to going on holiday now, Karl. Cause he’s got some prescription lens sunglasses, which we’ll be talking about that after the break.

karl: Bit of Darkness--

steve: Look forward to that!

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. An amusing story about a man wearing glasses!

ricky: Oh ho! The Darkness, “Growing on Me.” It certainly is on Xfm 104.9.

ricky: Love those boys. Keep the guitar riffs up, lads.

ricky: I’m Ricky Gervais. With me Steve Merchant--

steve: Oh, it’s good to see that your back pain has not impaired your DJing abilities.

ricky: Yeah, I know. I know. Well, I’m a professional.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I’m a ‘fessional.

steve: Yeah, you’ve soldiered on.

ricky: Yeah. Put the glasses on for Karl.

steve: Well, see now- cause I wear glasses normally I, um…I’ve always had problems with glasses. The-the thing about glasses is it stops you from doing so many things and you prob- you may not realize this if you’re a non-glasses wearer. Certain things you could never do if you’re- like, for instance, I have never been able to--

ricky: Volleyball.

steve: Go into the mosh pit at a gig.

ricky: Cause you’d lose your glasses.

steve: And get carried above everyone--

steve: You know when they carry you above everyone on their hands. Cause I-I knew someone would just--

ricky: But you don’t need to. You can see from the back. That’s the good thing about you at a concert, you can actually stand at the back and--

steve: No- well, indeed, but I’ve always wanted the thrill of at least being able to jump on the stage and do a stage dive and all the rest of it. So that’s one of the things I’ve missed out on. Missed out on, you know, sport, really, cause a lot of- boxing, for instance, I could never do. I could never do boxing. Never do wrestling!

steve: So our big championship showdown is not going to happen.

steve: Um, and--

ricky: We’d probably be the same weight category.

steve: Well, possibly.

ricky: Think you’ll reach?

steve: Yeah, exactly.

steve: Um, I remember when I first got glasses. I-I only had to wear them occasionally. I was- I think I was, uh- it meant I couldn’t see things a long way away. And also I got ‘em, but I was at school and I was a bit self-conscious. Didn’t wanna really tell anyone I had glasses.

ricky: Oh.

steve: I just- I-I didn’t reveal to anyone I was wearing them. (laughing) So I used to a come into a cla- I remember being in science and we always sat in the same spot and it- I was sat right at the back and I couldn’t see what was on the blackboard. But I didn’t want to start- I didn’t want to put my glasses on cause I didn’t want people to know I had glasses so I, (laughing) so I couldn’t see what was being written on the board and you had to copy stuff down from the board, science equations, things like that. I had no idea. So I’d have to try and copy off someone next to me, but not- that wasn’t always possible cause I had to do it surreptitiously. So what I took to doing was sharpening my pencil (laughing) every, sort of, thirty-five seconds.

ricky: Going up to the--

steve: Going up, memorizing what was on the board and I got a D in sc- in science. So that’s--

ricky: Oh, that’s awful, though.

steve: It’s a big- it’s a tough thing, glasses. It really is--

ricky: So it was, it was--

steve: When you first start wearing, if you’re young.

ricky: It was education versus vanity.

steve: Yeah! It’s terrible, isn’t it?

ricky: And now he’s think- he thinks, “Well, hold on.” He’s sorted out his hair. You can see his--

steve: Stylish.

ricky: Stylish hair, cause when I met him it was like, I mean…Worzel Gummidge. He won’t mind me saying that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: His glasses were, I mean…idiotic, what I meant and he’s got some stylish glasses now, so he’s sorted that out.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, his-his clothes- he’s quite a fashionable bloke and when I first met him I--

steve: A nerd!

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: So it’s step by step and with these on I think you’ll agree. Pop ‘em on, Steve.

steve: Well, you know, I don’t--

ricky: And imagine him in the- on the beach, right?

steve: Close your eyes, Karl. Are they closed? I can’t see. I’ve taken my glasses off.

karl: Go on.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: See, that’s the weird thing as well, innit?

ricky: Yeah. There you go. What you laughing at? Look- what you laughing at, Karl? There’s nothing funny about those.

steve: Stop smirking! I can see through them!

ricky: Don’t forget, he can see. They’re not real sunglasses. They’re prescription lenses so he can see ya now.

karl: You see, I-I never knew you had to do that with-with sunglasses. I didn’t think you had to have the--

steve: Right. Yeah, when it’s bright outside, people who wear glasses don’t need to wear 'em.

ricky: So they-they’re-they’re-they’re looking cool, but bumping into stuff!

steve: Yeah.

karl: No, but if your eyes aren’t that good then the sun shouldn’t be bothering ‘em.

karl: No, I always wondered about Roy Orbison. Why was he doing that?

ricky: What?

karl: Roy Orbison always had shades on, didn’t he, and he-he was blind an’ stuff. S’like, well…what’s the point of that?

ricky: Well, because- I-I don’t- I mean, I don’t- I’m guessing- well I don’t even want to- I don’t want to--

steve: What are you talking about?

karl: Roy Orbison was blind, wasn’t he?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Was he? I thought he just had very, very bad vision.

karl: No, I think he was a blind fellow.

steve: I don’t think he was blind.

karl: Was he not?

steve: No, I think he had very poor vision.

karl: Fair enough. Wear ‘em. Wear ‘em, you know.

karl: Uh--

ricky: I don’t know what this conversation is anymore!

steve: No, well, once again we’ve introduced Karl into the equation.

steve: It’s just gone off a completely bizarre tangent.

ricky: When I went- he went, “I’m going to go pick up my prescription lenses” and he went. We had to wait and, uh, the bloke came and said, uh, “Who’s it for?” “Um, uh, me.” “Oh, yeah, Mr. Merchant. Here they are” and as he was getting it out, I’m trying to embarrass Steve. I went to him, “They are the exact ones Keanu Reeves uses in ‘The Matrix,’ are they?”

ricky: And he went, “Uh what?” I went, “No, I’m jok- I‘m joking.” But, uh, yeah.

steve: Tell you what frustrates me. Can I just say, as a glasses wearer, this is just a-a note to everyone out there who isn’t a glasses wearer. When people ask constantly to try on your glasses- “Can I try on your glasses?" and they try them on and they always say the same thing. “Oh! I can’t see a thing!” What were you expecting? X-ray vision!? No!

ricky: Yeah, I know.

steve: Don-don’t ask it--

ricky: But I think--

steve: If you’re a glasses wearer, you don’t want people asking to try on your glasses.

ricky: But I think they don’t realize that--

steve: What are you expecting!?

ricky: By going, “Oh, God! Your eyesight’s bad.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It’s not like going- i-i-it, you know what I mean? It’s not like saying, “Let’s have a go with your callipers!”

steve: Well, you know--

ricky: And popping them on and going, “Bloody hell! You can’t walk very well.” It’s not--

steve: But it’s a full-on disability, isn’t it?

ricky: Well, yeah, but it’s a, it’s a- it’s one that doesn’t impair that much. It’s an inconvenience that you maybe have to put glasses on all the time--

steve: Did I mention the mosh pit thing?

ricky: I know. But it’s not, yeah. But you-you’re not…you’re not, um, uh, what-what’s your vision? It’s just blurred, is it?

steve: No, I can’t see anything. I’m- it’s really bad.

ricky: Is it really?

steve: It’s really bad, yeah. If I take my glasses off, you are just a blur. I see- now I can see nothing it’s just-just a couple of bald heads.

steve: And I know only one of you’s bald, so…

ricky: You’re looking at Karl twice?

steve: Yeah. Exactly.

ricky: Yeah. Alright.

steve: Is your vision 20/20?

ricky: Well, there you go. That’s, uh, Steve’s eyes on Xfm. Next week, Ricky’s knees!

karl: Bit of vinyl?

steve: Yeah, now listen. I want to mention this. This is from this new, um, Morrissey compilation. It’s a new series, I’m assuming a number of different rock stars are going to do it. It’s called “Under the Influence” and various, uh, rock stars get to choose. Lots of songs which grew up listening to and have influenced them. And this is from Morrissey. He’s the first person to do it and there’s some stuff on there which is, uh, a bit odd and a bit (unknown). There’s some stuff which is good and there’s, uh, Ramones on there and Nico and Patti Smith, but this is one of them. Obviously, famously, Morrissey was a member- he was- I think he was the president of the New York Dolls fan club in England and this is from there. This is “Trash.”

steve: The New York Dolls, “Trash,” from this new, uh, compilation “Under the Influence,” uh, compiled by Morrissey.

ricky: Are they the original punk band at 08700 800 1234.

steve: Well everyone knows they are, so--

ricky: We want your calls. No, we don’t. We don’t want your calls.

steve: Everyone knows they are.

ricky: Don’t call in! Don’t call in.

steve: Please. We’re not interested.

ricky: Not- no point.

steve: Ha! Rick, um, it’s half past one.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Adverts?

ricky: Yeeeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Coldplay and “The Scientist” on Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. We saw, uh, interesting sight on the way here, didn’t we, Steve?

steve: Yeah!

ricky: When we came in, um, yesterday to, uh--

steve: Well, to plan the show.

ricky: To plan the show, yeah.

steve: Sure.

ricky: We actually annoyed Karl for a half hour and left.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, but a bloke with a completely tattooed face.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Sort of--

steve: See, I don’t know what stage you are in- at- you know, what stage you're at in your life when tattooing your face is a good idea.

ricky: But this wasn’t, sort of, like, you know, tribal or religious or anything. It was a- it’s a-a bloke, just had a, sort of, tattoo on his forehead and ‘round his eyes. Professionally done. It looked quite old, so. I don’t know, I don’t know if tattooists do that now. I think they’ve probably got to watch themselves, but I was just thinking--

steve: What, they’re not- there’s not rules about what you can tattoo. I’m assuming if you’re a tattooist you can do what you want. You can tattoo anything.

ricky: I wouldn’t have thought- there’s probably comeback, isn’t there? I mean, I certainly- I don’t- I think they’ve got to be sober, I think you’ve got to, uh, over twenty-one- I don’t know.

steve: Right.

ricky: Over something and I wouldn’t have thought many tattooists would tattoo someone’s face. Would they?

steve: Well, I don’t know. Have you met tattooists somewhere- I don’t want to slag ‘em off, but they-they-they are, like, you know.

ricky: Well, nor do I. They’re big.

steve: Exactly. And they’ve got needles.

ricky: Lot of ‘em are big. Um--

steve: But they do seem like they live in the periphery of society a lot, these people.

ricky: But I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t…I just wouldn’t tattoo someone’s face, d’you know what I mean?

steve: No.

ricky: Oh, I’d be worried about--

steve: No, I mean, you’d wrestle a man to the ground.

steve: And then hurt your back. But no, you wouldn’t tattoo someone.

ricky: No, I know. Does anyone ever regret it? I mean, d-do- I mean…I’m sure some people regret a tattoo. Whenever someone shows me a tattoo, I go, “That’s brilliant.” Cause I can’t bear to go, “That’s rubbish!”

steve: (laughing) Yeah, yeah.

ricky: I just think they’re- cause they go- they can’t change it. There’s no point.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “What do you think?” I go, “It’s brilliant.”

steve: Well, I read in the paper- was it a man or a woman who had, um, “David Beck-” just had “Beckham” on their ar- on their arm.

steve: Just had- not a picture of him, but the word “Beckham” tattooed on their arm. Spelt wrong.

ricky: Oh, God!

steve: They missed out the “k.” Or-or maybe they missed out the “c” so it it was "B-e-k-a-m."

ricky: Oh, no!

steve: Anyway, it was just spelt wrong. I mean…

ricky: Oh, God.

steve: I mean, firstly, why do you just have the name of David Beckham on your arm? Cause--

ricky: A home tattoo is the best, though.

steve: Well, do it yourself.

ricky: Those done with a pin and a--

steve: Mm, mm.

ricky: Sort of, some ink in prison. Uh, I was just thinking, like, with “Skins.”

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: And it’s sort of wonky cause they’ve done it in a mirror.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “What does that say?” “Well, read it.” “Tunc?” “Yeah, well, I did it in a mirror.”

steve: Profanity.

ricky: Yeah, um--

steve: Have you- would you ever toy with a tattoo, Karl? Is that your thing?

karl: No, no. I’ve told you about me-me Uncle Stan before, haven’t I? The tattoo--

steve: What happened?

karl: Tattoo Stan.

steve: No.

karl: He’s just covered in ‘em. It just looks a mess. D’you know what I mean? He can be wearing the best suit in the world, but you still look a scruff.

steve: Sure. Yeah.

karl: D’you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Once you have it done, it’s- there’s nothing you can do.

ricky: Some tattoos, you know, can be quite tasteful.

karl: No, no, no. The way he was covered--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It was like, you know, “cut here” on his neck and--

steve: Really?

karl: It’s just- yeah, a mess and he-he did a lot of his own. I’ve told you about him before.

steve: Have you? I don’t remember it.

karl: Yeah, cause I was saying if you’re gonna do your own, at least make sure you’re a good drawer.

steve: Yeah, sure.

ricky: Why, what--

karl: It was just a mess. It was just all over the place.

ricky: (laughing) Why, what- what had he done? Just sort of doodled snakes around…?

karl: Yeah and all his kids’ names on his arms and it’s like, “Can’t you remember ‘em?”

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: He might have had a lot.

karl: No, he did!

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But…

steve: And do you remember, even from a young age, thinking, “That looks rubbish”?

karl: Yeah. Yeah. And, I mean, he’ll probably be about sixty now. I’d love to see what he looks like.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Now.

ricky: Well, a lot--

karl: He’d just look a mess. There was another- there was a story the other day in, uh, one of the magazines that I read. Um, about this-this fella who had a, uh--

ricky: Well, this will be Bizarre or Fortean Times, then.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: One of the magazines you read.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So it’s going to be--

steve: It’s not The Spectator.

ricky: No, no.

karl: But, um, this fella had a big eagle put on his back.

steve: Yeah.

karl: With a snake, sort of, covering it. And um--

steve: So- such rubbish, isn’t it?

steve: This-this, kind of, symbols of, sort of--

ricky: “Lord of the Rings.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: A snake and an eagle!

ricky: Yeah, a-a large-breasted vampire woman riding a dragon.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yeah, tha-that-that’s always a good one.

karl: But-but, you know, this fella had that an’-an’ he had it in his will that when he dies he wanted his son to have the skin taken off.

ricky: Oh, God!

karl: And put in a, um- put in, like, a little frame.

steve: Urgh!

ricky: Oh, God!

steve: That’s hor- that’s horrific.

ricky: “What’s that?” “That’s me dad’s back.”

steve: Yeah. Oh! Are you sure?

ricky: God!

karl: Yeah, no. Cause I was- I-I read it and kind of thought- started having, sort of, memories of Auntie Nora again.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Cause she used to always like, uh--

steve: Now, Auntie Nora is the woman who--

ricky: Farted for five minutes.

karl: She had wind for five minutes.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But she also, uh, she used to say, “Oh, Karl, rub me back.”

karl: Alright? And, uh, with her being quite old it was all, sort of, mole-y and warty.

steve: It was moldy!?

karl: No, sort of--

ricky: Mole-y!

karl: Mole-y.

steve: Oh, mole-y. Right.

ricky: And what’d you do?

karl: I didn’t like it. I hated it, in fact.

ricky: It was like reading a Braille book.

steve: Yeah.

karl: It was like putting your hand in a, in a load of Cocoa Pops.

steve: Oh, dear.

karl: All really big…brown things. And I just thought, “Framing hers would be, sort of, 3D-ish.”

ricky: Oh!

steve: Right. Yeah, yeah.

steve: “What’s that, a chunk of the moon?”

ricky: “Did you Artex that wall?”

steve: (laughing) “That’s Auntie Nora!”

ricky: (laughing) “There’s Auntie Nora’s back!” Oh, God!

steve: Any piece of your body, Karl, that you’d like to leave behind?

ricky: Oh! That’s disgusting! Putting your hand in some- is she the one with a split tennis ball when she wasn’t wearing knickers?

steve: Shut up.

ricky: What?

karl: That’s the one.

steve: No, let’s not discuss the tennis ball.

ricky: Okay.

steve: So she used to get you to-to, sort of, knead her dough--

steve: On her back.

ricky: Oh, God! This is really bad. Don’t--

steve: But, like- what would she- with her, with her dress or whatever or--

karl: She wore those, sort of, squid-lookin’ things that old-old people wear.

ricky: Sorry. What, what, what?

steve: What? Squid-looking thing?

ricky: “Here’s Auntie Nora covered in octopuses!” What’re you talking about? What do you mean, she wore--

karl: It’s like, uh, it’s like a nightgown-type thing, but--

ricky: What’s squid got to do with it?

karl: Cause it sort of looked like a squid around the, around the edge.

ricky: Oh, I know. Frilly things, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

karl: Yeah and she’d just say, “Oh, I just- oh, I’m aching there. Ooh.” She-she was never well. She was never- d’you know what I mean? She’s always had something wrong with her. I don’t, I don’t ask her how she is--

steve: No.

karl: Cause it’s just like you know she’s not going to be alright.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Did she have wind when you were, sorta, kne- it must have been like playing an accordion.

steve: Yeah, get a little tune going.

ricky: Oh! Who’s the- who’s your auntie with the tattoos?

karl: That’s, uh, that’s Hazel.

ricky: Oh, right. Yeah.

karl: S’leave that.

ricky: Why?

karl: No, let’s-let’s not talk about--

ricky: Why? We’ll leave her- why, what have I- what have I come across there? What’s up with--

steve: What’s wrong with Auntie Hazel?

ricky: What’s up with Auntie Hazel?

karl: There’s nowt wrong with her. It’s just a, uh…

ricky: What?

karl: S’just a lesbian, which is- there’s nothing wrong with that.

ricky: Well, no, but you’ve made it sound like there is, now--

steve: Yeah.

ricky: By not wanting to say it. “Me auntie’s a lesbian.”

karl: But I know what you’re saying, though. I know what you’re getting at. Just because I call her Uncle Hazel.

ricky: (laughing) Play a record.

steve: He’s from Manchester. P-please, please forgive him.

ricky: Lizzy, “Don’t Believe a Word.” Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

steve: E-mail here from Chris. He says he met a girl in Australia whose boyfriend tattooed her arm with the word “psycho,” except the spelling was wrong and she ended up scarred for life with the word “physco.”

ricky: (laughing) “Physco!”

steve: Physco. P-h-y-s-c-o.

ricky: Oh! That’s so--

steve: I mean, a word of warning if you’re going out today to get a tattoo; they’re tattooists.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: English is probably not their speciality.

steve: So be careful. Write it down for them first.

ricky: You are walking on thin ice.

steve: Well.

ricky: I-I’ve seen some of these boys. They’re big.

steve: Sure.

ricky: They’re big. And if they’re willing to stick lumps of metal through their faces--

steve: True.

ricky: What are they going to do to you?

steve: Well, yeah. Indeed.

ricky: So…

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Steve’s sorry, tall tattooists.

steve: The piercing, you see. I don’t have a weird problem with the piercing, as well. Cause, I mean, the earrings; that makes sense.

ricky: I had earrings ages ago, but--

steve: Did you!?

ricky: Yeah. Oh, yeah. When I was about eighteen--

steve: You’re a man who notoriously hates pain and is scared of everything.

ricky: It hurt. It hurt. I was about eighteen and I-I’d took two in one.

ricky: And they did it, right, and he just went “kk” and I went, “Mmm, uh.” “Alright?” I went, “Yeah!”

ricky: “I’m just-” Oh, God. It hurt.

steve: Did you have them in both ears?

ricky: It just- he just- it was like a staple gun that just went “patoo”. Yeah, yeah and- yeah. And it-it really hurt and I thought, “Well, I’m not doing that again. It hurts too much.” And it just throbbed.

steve: Were you still living with your- with your parents at the time?

ricky: No. No.

steve: I mean, what did people--

ricky: No, I’d moved--

steve: What do people- you-your-your, kind of, oiky, Redding family, what would they have made of…of things?

ricky: Well, they-they’d know I had ‘em afterwards, yeah, and they- yeah.

steve: But did they take the mick?

ricky: Oh, G- of course they did, yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “Rick, you ain’t goin’ out like that!”

steve: No. Sure.

ricky: “Oh, you’ll get followed! Oh, look at you. Look at that.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: “That’s disgusting.” And when I was New Romantic, me mum said, “Bloody hell, I thought I only had one girl!”

steve: Um, which is the earring- cause isn’t it, like, one ear is for gay people and one is for straight people? Is that just a myth or--

ricky: I don’t know. It might be a- yeah.

steve: It was something to do with which ear you had it in.

ricky: Yeah, probably was, sort of, like…signs for that, yeah. I-I- it’s like when you’re growing up. I heard loads, like, um, if- right. A white polo neck, right, and a, and a ring on your little finger; that means you’re gay!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. But you could see ‘em coming. Dun da--

steve: (chuckling) Exactly.

steve: You just consulted your little chart.

ricky: Exactly! “Hold on!”

steve: “A white polo neck."

ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah!

steve: "There’s an earring in the left ear. I- hang on!”

ricky: “I don’t know where I am!”

steve: Cause isn’t there that thing that, um, that the famous cover of “Born to Run--”

ricky: Bruce Springsteen.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Where he didn’t know the handkerchief- yeah.

steve: Was it actually even in the right-hand pocket and--

ricky: Dominant and- yeah. I don’t know.

steve: But, you know, when- where is this information? I wouldn’t have known that. I might have gone around, you know, with a, you know, if it was hot weather.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Something to mop my brow. I wouldn’t have known that. I- can’t the gay people, kind of, notify us?

ricky: I know.

steve: Can we have some kind of website or something we can check out.

ricky: Well, do you still go to that pub with all those, sort of, like, butch blokes?

steve: Lovely guys!

ricky: With the moustaches and- yeah.

steve: And leather caps! Great guys.

ricky: A lot of ‘em are firemen. A lot of ‘em are, like, traffic cops.

steve: Great people!

ricky: You know what I mean?

steve: Fascinating people.

ricky: You know you’re safe in there.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: And there’s no women to, “Wahh, wahh, wahh! Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!” It’s like just having a great time with the lads and there’s nothing--

steve: Yeah!

ricky: It’s brilliant.

steve: Just playing pool stripped to your waist!

ricky: (laughing) I know! Yeah. I can talk.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Ooh, my back still hurts.

steve: Okay, a little bit of hip hop. It’s nice to have, uh, occasional hip hop tune. Just keep it- you know, it’s-it’s some, uh--

ricky: Yeeeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: You’ll be cruising around in your open top Chevy.

ricky: Now, Steve. I see there it’s a track by Little Kim, but how are you pronouncing it?

steve: Um, I’m pronouncing that correctly; Lil’ Kim.

ricky: Oh, no “t’s” involved.

steve: And it’s “The Jump Off” featuring Mr. Cheeks.

steve: I don’t know why I find that funny. But Mr. Cheeks is involved. If you can spot him, good luck.

steve: I believe that’s Mr. Cheeks there. Just, uh, just bust it on the mic. And that’s called “The Jump Off.”

ricky: Talking of cheeks; Karl, have we got another installment of Cheeky Freak of the Week this week?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Have we?

steve: Excellent. Look forward to that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is there some Monkey News?

karl: Goes without saying.

steve: Of course.

ricky: Does it really? With- Monkey News is safe, isn’t it? It’s not like, uh…

steve: You’re always going home with Monkey News.

karl: You know it’s there.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um--

karl: It’s like Songs of Praise on a Sunday.

ricky: I- when I came back off holiday- I’ve been on holiday for a week and, uh, I, sort of, sitting by the pool and stuff and I, sort of, wrote about forty minute stand-up on the new- my new show.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I was going to Karl- I said, “It’s great! When you get away, it’s, sort of, like, you’re relaxing and you just, you just think clearer.” And he went, “I know. I know. I know.” He said, “I was away when I came up with Rockbusters.”

steve: Yeah! Indeed. Absolutely.

ricky: I was buzzing about writing forty minutes of brand new stand-up.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He equated that to coming up with Rockbusters. Should I be insulted, Steve, or is Rockbusters as good as everyone’s saying it is?

steve: Um--

ricky: Is it, is it the one good idea- is it, like, EMC equals MC squared was to Einstein as to, you know, Rockbusters is to Karl?

steve: What if I do this, Rick? What if we- if I play you some adverts right now.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And then we’ll come back with some Rockbusters.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: You could, you could make job for yourself.

ricky: Oh! Maybe I’ll do Rockbusters and show people how easy it is to do it wrong.

steve: Adverts, then Rockbusters.

ricky: And a cup of lovely coffee. Cup of coffee in the- cup of coffee.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I want a cup of coffee!

ricky: Placebo. “This Picture,” Xfm. What’s Karl doing? What’s he rooting around--

steve: I don’t know. But listen, while he’s doing that, can I just say, uh, Happy Birthday from all of us to--

ricky: Oh, Rockbusters. Alright, yeah.

steve: To Sian. Her friend Terry said, uh, “play some Placebo for Sian” so Happy Birthday to her.

ricky: That’s done.

steve: That is.

ricky: That’s done.

steve: Cross that off the list!

ricky: Yeah, that’s another thing we’ve got through today.

steve: Ding! Rockbusters, please.

karl: D’you want to, um, look at the prizes?

steve: I’ll have a look at the prizes. See what people, uh, can win. It’s an e-mail only competition. Please remember that. Alright, we’ve got the, uh, Later… with Jools Holland, uh, Louder DVD. It’s stuff on there from The Cardigans, Rollins is on there, Mercury Rev, Sonic Youth, The Datsuns, Queens of the Stone Age--

ricky: Hold on, though. Wait a minute. They’re all great bands, but I think they need a boogie woogie piano on top of everything they do.

steve: Well, hopefully Jools Holland will have, uh--

ricky: Okay, good!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Good, good, good. Cause there was something missing there on most of those tunes.

steve: Yeah. Current album from Goldfrapp. That’s there as well. What have we got this? On DVD, The Life of Mammals. The complete series of that. Couple of, uh- we got the Inspiral Carpets. Again, a three CD set of the Best of the Inspiral Carpets. I don’t know how they’ve strung it out over three CDs.

steve: Um, the best one-hit wonders in the world, ever.

steve: And, um, let me see--

ricky: Oh, dear! A three CD set.

steve: A three CD set--

ricky: The Best of the Inspiral- I’m strug- I’m struggling.

steve: I’m assuming CD three is just The Coral’s album.

steve: Anyway, there’s some-some good treats there. You’ve sourced some good stuff this week.

karl: Alright? Well, uh--

ricky: (mocking Karl) “Alright? You alright? Alright? Here‘s your Rockbusters. Yeah? Alright?”

karl: Uh, cryptic clues.

ricky: Well.

karl: Coupla initials and, uh…and you sort that out. Right.

karl: Uh, first one--

ricky: What was Dr. Fox on about, that we don’t- we don’t sound like proper presenters?

steve: Strange, isn’t it?

ricky: It’s mad. Go on, Karl.

karl: Right. The first one; uh, a customer wanted some paint to dark up her room. Shop assistant knew what to do. Alright? Customer wanted some paint to darken up her room. The shop assistant knew what to do. The initials there, CB. Alright?

steve: CB.

karl: CB, for the first one there. Alright? Uh, second one; it’d be alright if, uh, if their heads weren’t that big. Alright?

steve: And again?

karl: It would be alright if their heads weren’t that big. And that’s, uh, SF. Alright?

steve: SF?

karl: Yeah.

karl: And the last one--

ricky: (laughing) I know that! I know that one. Yeah, go on.

karl: And the last one, uh, Chanel have got another perfume out. NO. Right? Chanel have got another perfume out. NO. You e-mail in. [email protected] That’s that done.

steve: And those prizes can be yours.

karl: Yeah.

steve: More music, please!

karl: Bit of, uh, Bob Marley?

ricky: Are any of these going to annoy me? Oh, you’ve got “Stir It Up.”

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Brilliant. Are any of these clues going to annoy me this week?

karl: No, they’re all good.

ricky: Are they really?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Alright.

karl: Alright?