XFM Vault - S02E43 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

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ricky: Well, there's The Darkness, they believe in a thing called love, Karl, do you? This is XFM 104.9. That is my favorite band at the moment.

steve: You're lovin' 'em.

ricky: I- I absolutely love them. I think they're funny. I think they're straight down the line with a little bit of tongue-in-cheek.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Ah, brilliant. Did you see them on Jools Holland last night?

steve: I didn't, sadly, no.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Were they good?

ricky: Absolutely- just- oh- I mean, Jools didn't know what to do.

steve: Was he playing some boogie woogie?

ricky: He- They wouldn't let him play boogie woogie over their song.

steve: Blimey.

ricky: That's why, I mean, that's why he stayed back. But, uh-

steve: I can't imagine it was very good then.

ricky: He shook the- It was-

steve: I'm surprised you said they were good.

ricky: I thought- I thought, "Hold on. This is missing something."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "This- this is missing someone from Squeeze vamping over them."

steve: Exactly, yeah.

ricky: But, um, they did- they did well without him.

steve: Extraordinary.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Wow. Good luck to them.

ricky: Here we are then, we're back. XFM 104.9. Karl had to leave early last week, but um, you- can you stay to the end this week, mate? Or-

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: You don't need a- you don't need another holiday?

ricky: Ooh. Oh, he's started already.

steve: I mean, you know-

ricky: Steve's made you look like a bit of a twat already and it's only five past one.

karl: But the only reason you don't go on holiday is 'cause you have to spend money!

ricky: Oh! And he's come straight back!

steve: Well...

ricky: He's come straight-

steve: I can't come back to that. It's just-

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: It's just dynamite. It's just absolute- that was- that was- that was searing-

ricky: Although the last holiday he- the last holiday Steve had- he, sort of, found a third world country so he could live like a king for a week. It was Cuba wasn't it?

steve: Went to Cuba, amazing. You can live- you can almost rule the place.

steve: If it weren't for Castro I'd have been in charge the kind of cash I was flashing around. They'll do anything for a dollar over there. It's extraordinary. Literally. I mean, it's amazing.

ricky: Yeah. Ohhh.

steve: Definitely. And I went to Kenya before that.

ricky: So he thought, the prostitute said no. You were gut-

steve: Well, it was two dollars, I'm not made of money.

ricky: Did you have a good holiday, Karl?

karl: Uhhhh. Yeah, it was alright. It was alright. Went down to Cornwall.

steve: Now you were going to the monkey sanctuary.

karl: Tell you what, there's some odd people down there, Steve.

steve: Well, don't look at me, I'm not from Cornwall.

karl: Well, you're from that, sort of, area.

steve: Well, not really, but-

ricky: Genetically, he means.

steve: Right.

karl: They're weird.

steve: Mm, well, you must've slided right in.

ricky: Why are they weird? What do they look like?

karl: They're just all, sort of, uh, odd people. Uh, lot of old people but not just old, sort of, messed up old.

ricky: What do you mean "messed up old"? Describe- you can't just say that. There's- there's-

karl: There's a woman with a funny neck.

steve: Okay. In what way was it funny?

ricky: What- why did she have a funny neck? If you were writing an essay you wouldn't say "there was this woman with a funny neck". How would you describe it?

karl: She, uh, sort of, had her head pointed down all the time.

ricky: Don't do it! This is radio.

karl: No, but, just for you, like that. Walkin' about like that.

ricky: Yeah... okay... right. So, brilliant.

karl: And I don't know- I was saying to Suzanne, "What happened? You know, what do you think?"

ricky: 'Cause Suzanne knows everything, that's the good thing about her being with you. You just ask her, "What happened to her?" and Suzanne goes, "Karl, I don't know. I haven't been here before.

steve: Suzanne, your girlfriend, or "Mummy" as you call her.

ricky: Oh, sparks are flying.

steve: I got a little bit of choco, could you just lick a tissue and wipe it off?"

karl: She said it might've been like 'cause back in the olden days they carried stuff on their-

ricky: The olden days!

steve: What do you mean "the olden days"?

ricky: This woman was probably what? 50?

karl: Uh, no, she looked about 70.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But like I do on Cheeky Freak of the Week, right, I always turn it 'round and we get, like, something good out of it.

steve: Something positive, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I said- I said to Suzanne, "I bet she finds a lot of money."

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Always starin' at the ground, yeah.

ricky: Oh dear.

karl: Which is always- which is always good.

ricky: So, um, you're back-

steve: Maybe she just had new shoes and she was admiring them.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Did you think of that before you pointed a finger and judged?

ricky: Or her necklace was too heavy.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: So, you're back, refreshed. So, uh, what have we got for this week? Have we- sort of- 'cause we didn't meet last night which, uh, we usually meet, sort of-

karl: No, I called you and said it'd be good if we could. I- you know, I wasn't getting back into London 'til half past 7.

ricky: Well, I was up for it. I was up for it. Yeah.

karl: Yeah, but we all need to be there.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's no good just me and you being there.

ricky: Yeah, so... yeah.

steve: No, you're right. I mean, you're absolutely right that I wasn't there, yeah, 'cause I wasn't willing to, uh, just be governed by your particular schedule. You want to JET back in from another of your holidays-

karl: Right, it wasn't a holiday.

steve: At 8 o'clock.

karl: Wasn't a holiday.

steve: What? So what- you were out of town-

ricky: What do you mean? Hold on. Whoa whoa. What do you mean it wasn't a holiday? What was it?

karl: It was a- well, it was a treat, wasn't it? For me mam and dad. So, it wasn't a holiday.

ricky: What? So, you didn't enjoy the five days off? You'd rather have been here moaning eight hours a day? Seven hours a day...

steve: You see, we said last week that you're always whinging. Here you are whinging now.

karl: I'm not moaning.

ricky: And you're saying it's not even a holiday. You're saying it's not even a holiday. What was it then?

karl: Alright, would, like, a nurse who takes sick children to Florida, would they say "having a great holiday"?

ricky: Sorry. What- what- what particular ailment did your parents have for the week that they had to fly in Karl Pilkington M.D.?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What you talkin' about?

karl: Well... alright it was a holiday.

steve: Well then!

karl: Yeah.

steve: Good. Now some honesty- now some truths almost.

ricky: So you came in, you came back from your holiday- you wanted to start back to work straight away so you couldn't be bothered to meet. Is that what you're saying?

karl: That's what I'm saying.

ricky: So we've got nothing prepared for this.

karl: Well, you can rely on Rockbusters.

karl: Right that's coming up.

steve: We've got nothing.

karl: Uh, Monkey News.

ricky: Even though you were away you were still working?

karl: Still doing stuff.

steve: Did you go to the monkey sanctuary?

karl: I'll tell you about that later.

steve: Tell us about it.

ricky: Play a record.

karl: Alright. Do you want... Smashing Pumpkins?

steve: Smashing Pumpkins...

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: ...I've got an old classic from them; Cherub Rock.

ricky: Yup. Yup.

steve: Smashing Pumpkins. Cherub Rock. That of course, Rick, is available on their greatest hits.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: If you want...

ricky: I mean that's- that's how I rock.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So I- I know- I know the uh- I'm very much the shape of a cherub as well.

steve: Indeed. Indeed.

ricky: Naked with a... couple of

steve: Yeah. And a rosy big arse.

ricky: And a tru- a trumpet.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Do they have trumpets?

steve: I don't know. Um, I've just had an email here. Umm... Monkey News.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: From a listener. Monkey spotted holidaying in Cornwall.

steve: Chimp... A chimp was spotted holidaying in Cornwall last week after befriending a family of three. One onlooker said, "it was incredible. He dressed and behaved exactly like a human being. He even settled the hotel bill at the end of their stay. The only telltale sign was his lack of table manners and the incoherent babble when he opened his mouth."

steve: There we are. So.

ricky: Well what'd you think of that Karl?

steve: That's the listeners, Karl. That's Joanne.

ricky: Amusing. Articulate. Accurate. She remembered who- exactly who's there and everything. Settling the bill. It's all there. So I mean even though people think that you're slightly simian... you know, slightly less than human on the evolutionary ladder... they do listen to ya!

ricky: So on the other- I don't know who's more stupid in the end. You or the listeners!

steve: Well you may recall, Rick, the end of last week, when Karl had to shoot off early, uh, we issued a little request. For listeners just to bombard Karl's email with, umm, just pointless emails that really weren't about anything. Just to clog up his email for when he returned.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Rick, they sent them all to us.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: I mean that's the kind of listeners that we've got. We've got reams here on our email, of just junk.

ricky: I mean it's like a Marx brothers plot, isn't it.

ricky: I mean just listen.

karl: I- I-

steve: Listen to what we say!

karl: I got one, uhh, about a shaved cat. But that's not pointless; I'll be reading that later.

steve: Loving it, yeah.

ricky: "I'll be reading..."

karl: I'm happy.

steve: That'll keep me going for a couple of weeks.

ricky: "I'll be reading that later."

steve: Did you get to the monkey sanctuary? Cause this was the big thing. You were going down to Cornwall. You were gonna visit the monkey sanctuary. I've never seen someone more excited. You had two days put aside for the monkey sanctuary.

karl: Hmm. I know.

steve: How did it go? Monkey World.

karl: Ummm... We were on our way, right. I found like a little, uh, in the little cottage that we had, right... it's like a little, uh, little folder. You know, with little leaflets.

steve: Hmm.

karl: You know with little leaflets in saying if you're... you know, if you're into mountains you wanna go here.

steve: Yeah.

karl: If you're into castles and that...

steve: Go to Castle World.

karl: Uh, little monkey on the leaflet, right, so I thought I'll be needing that. Took that out. Made sure that's safe and that, right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: We get in the car. Getting ready to go. Ahhh, me dad says "where is it?" I look on the back. It's in a place called Looe, or something like that, right. So uh, we're on our way. Can't believe me luck. It's gonna be a great day and all that.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And then uh, start looking at the leaflet, right. And uh, noticed... didn't have any chimps there.

ricky: Yeah, it's not- it's not Monkey World.

karl: It wasn't a Monkey World.

ricky: No.

steve: Well how it- what- what was it called then?

karl: Something like...

ricky: Mo- Mon- Monkey Town.

karl: Yeah it- [stammers] it had like woolly monkeys in it. That's- that's-

steve: It had what?

ricky: Woolly monkeys.

steve: What are woolly monkeys?

ricky: Those things... Johnny Vegas off the advert.

steve: Right.

ricky: That's them. They're done now since ITV Digital went under.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So they just put them in a cage.

steve: I don't underst-

ricky: They're woolly- they're- they're like um... They're sort of like little fluffy, little baboon type things, woolly monkeys. I mean not- it's not your chimp.

steve: Right.

ricky: It's- it's- it's not your classic chimpanzee.

steve: So did the car screech to a halt?

karl: It was like...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It was like the mission in Armageddon. I just said, "Abort!"

karl: Umm... we're on the way back.

steve: So how far had you got before you bothered to read the leaflet?

karl: Uhh, probably about five miles...

steve: Right.

karl: ...from where we were.

steve: So what did you do with yourself? You must've been distraught!

karl: We went to...

ricky: Well, they broke down and then they heard banjo music.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: No we went to a, uh, sort of a- an, amusement place.

steve: An arcade.

ricky: I'd love to see you in that. What, with- putting those coins in so it has to roll down. And they go flat and then an arm pushes them...

karl: It was one of them.

ricky: Really?

karl: But I've had worse-

ricky: I spent years on that when I was little.

karl: Well there's a new one. I can't be bothered explaining it. But it's a con. Uh…. we went to this place, right. Me mam and dad had been there before and said "you'll love it, It's brilliant. It's got like er... a war bit in it."

steve: A war bit? Right.

karl: Yeah like, because they know I'm into tanks and stuff.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Said, "you'll be loving that".

ricky: S-Sorry I didn't know you were into tanks.

steve: No.

karl: Well... They're alright.

steve: Brilliant. It's gone from one of his childhood passions to "eh, alright."

ricky: I know, yeah. Come on.

karl: And uh, but it was- it was- it was awful. I mean me mam and dad been there before and they said "no, you'll love it."

steve: Yeah.

karl: It was like... really miserable day, right.

steve: Sure.

karl: Uh, all the rides and that were broke.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Broke!

steve: It just reminds me of Manchester.

karl: Me dad just ended up, uh... He was more interested in- there was a really fat family there.

steve: Well presumably he was breaking into the machines trying to scoop off the cash before he got caught.

karl: No no-

ricky: I like the fact that those poor fat family were going, "Why are those people looking at us?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Oh, do you want to ride one?"

karl: No, but there were- there were-

ricky: "We're not- we're not a ride!"

karl: They were massive and they just, like... "look at that! Look at the state of that!" The whole family.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Just, you know, fat.

steve: Bloaters, yeah.

ricky: Alright. Calm down.

karl: Uh, no but they- they- because fat is... no- no need for it, is there? And he- he was really like, "Oh, God." And then he wanted to follow them into the house of mirrors to see what they'd look like.

karl: Uh, but me mam, me mam had got bored. She went off to buy a little Snow White figure. She couldn't believe her luck. It was only £2.99.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Thought is was gonna be really expensive, so she's got one of them.

steve: Sure, she's a classy lady.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So she enjoyed that. And then me dad says, "Come on were going. It's rubbish, this."

ricky: What, the fat family wouldn't let him play with them?

karl: So uh, he just said on the way home, he said, "I can safely say that I never wanna go there again before I die."

karl: So, that was that. And we went home...

ricky: Why would he ever give you that information? In case it was like, a- a secret birthday present?

steve: Yeah!

ricky: "Oh, God. What if they get me a trip to here?" Or if he's in a coma and you go, "I'll tell you what..."

steve: "Dad?"

ricky: "...I thought I'll bring him out of it."

steve: "That fat couple!"

ricky: Yeah!

steve: "By his bedside!"

karl: But- but Suzanne said she now realizes why I am the way I am. After spending like a week with them. She says...

steve: What they- they told- they told her that they dropped you on your head as a kid, or...?

karl: No just- just like, you know, the way they act and that.

steve: Right, yeah.

karl: Uh...

ricky: So they never say anything like, "Suzanne, so uh, why is the moon out at night and the sun in the day..."

ricky: Oh, God!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Oh, God, there's three of them!

steve: "Suzanne, can you tie my shoelaces again?"

karl: It was the bit when me dad said, "Don't waste money on a coffin for him just put him in a bin bag."

steve: Your father said that?! About himself?

karl: Yup.

steve: Well it's a great idea! I'm glad you mentioned that 'cause...

ricky: That is great.

steve: ...that gives me an idea.

ricky: Coldplay. God Put a Smile upon Your Face. On XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: Read in the paper yesterday, Rick, they uhh, were talking about the fact that Blair has been- I think he's been in Greece, umm, discussing E.U. matters.

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: And they used, uhh, the old Trojan Horse analogy...

ricky: Yup.

steve: ...to say you know here's a particular policy and it seems like they're trying to sneak in.

ricky: Sneak in.

steve: Sneak in some kind of dubious...

ricky: Disguised as something else.

steve: Exactly. And uh, it has always struck me- ever since I was first introduced to the Trojan Horse theory I never understood how it had come about. Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Sorry uh uh, Karl has got a frown on him. Like a thing I haven't seen.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Uh uh Karl do you...

steve: Tony Blair is the prime minister.

ricky: You know what the Trojan Horse was?

karl: Go on.

ricky: Um, it was a siege...

steve: Have you come across this before? Have you heard of it before?

karl: Erm, wasn't an Ascot, or anything?

karl: Go on.

steve: Well the Trojan Horse. What happened was, uh it's- it's a famous, kind of, Greek story about the fact uh that the Greeks laid-

ricky: In olden times Karl, olden times.

steve: Olden times, you know. The '70s.

ricky: Specifically. Yeah.

steve: The Greeks laid siege to Troy for six years.

ricky: Waiting.

steve: Basically, things had got out of hand. Uh, I think the Trojans had done something with Helen. And someone else was annoyed- anyway it all got very complicated. It got out of hand. And the, uh Greeks-

ricky: The Helen, the one with the mashed up face 'cause they used to use it to launch ships.

steve: Hmm. Anyway, uhh... the Greeks laid siege to Troy for six years, right, and they weren't getting anywhere. They were outside the gates, they were saying "let us in," they weren't they [mumbling]. So what they did was they all disappeared. They all- they all-

ricky: They wanted to get in and kill everyone.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's why they wouldn't be letting 'em in.

steve: But they couldn't get inside the city walls. So what they did was they left, as a gift, for the Troy- Trojans, they left an enormous wooden horse, okay. As- as a gift. And then they all buggered off.

ricky: Like forty foot high. Fifty foot. Like, I mean a big, you know...

steve: Big wooden horse.

ricky: ...an ark of a horse.

steve: And the Trojans wheeled it into the city.

ricky: So that's nice.

steve: Thought "what a lovely gift!"

ricky: Yup.

steve: And lo and behold, who was hiding inside but the entire Greek army. Leaped out and killed everyone in their sleep.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Alright. And that's where the famous idea of a Trojan Horse has come from, you know; sneaking something in disguised as something else.

karl: Alright.

steve: Alright?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Okay?

ricky: So if you ever... yeah...

steve: He doesn't really understand does he?

ricky: No but, to be honest, nor do I.

steve: Well I- this is the problem I've always had with this. I- I- It- 'Cause I don't understand who comes up with the idea. I mean...

ricky: But I- I can't think that was the best idea.

steve: Well no no

ricky: There must've been other ways. If they come up with that- How long did it take them to get- When they said... One- one- one- person said "hold on, like, oh wo wo wo wo wo wo, umm, can I have a word?"

steve: "Go on."

ricky: "General, um, I've got an idea."

steve: "Yeah."

ricky: "Build a big horse, right. Hide inside it. And then, then... ah! I know what you're thinking - they won't let us in even in the horse."

steve: "Yeah."

ricky: "Leave it... as a gift."

steve: "Brilliant! Right, who are you? That's the best idea? Are you the guy who came up with 'why don't get a giant bra and twing it over the walls.'"

ricky: "Yeah. Let's get a- let's get a 100 foot ruler. And you know like at school you used to like flick the teacher's ass with like a- right, I could flick you over one at a time..."

steve: "Right."

ricky: "...on this giant ruler."

steve: "Thanks for your idea. It's on the table."

ricky: "Yeah."

steve: "We've got a couple of other suggestions on the way."

ricky: "What about a million elastic bands, tied together, yeah, and you all hold it down. And then I just let you go."

steve: "Right."

ricky: "And you all ping over and then you kill 'em in their sleep."

steve: "You're the best tactician we've got, are you?"

ricky: The other thing is, right... These people opened the- for some reason opened the door.

steve: What I don't understand- firstly, there's suddenly the- the army that has laid siege to them for six years has disappeared.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: In their place, an enormous gift of a giant wooden horse.

ricky: "Oh the probably don't want to kill us now. But what they've done is they've built us a horse."

steve: "Yeah, they brought us a great gift, presumably there's a giant, kind of, card or something."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "You know, umm, something for you. Sorry about the laying siege and everything. Forgive you."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "Here's an enormous gift as a- here's an enormous Trojan Horse. We know it's what you've always wanted."

ricky: "We- we're not inside it."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: "Why would they write that?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "That's suspicious!"

steve: But it- I mean-

ricky: "Well, wheel it- wheel it in anyway."

steve: But in terms of it as an idea initially, I mean, we're gonna give them a gift. Well what should we do? We could bake an enormous quiche, be inside that. We could have an enormous soap-on-a-rope as a- It's the fact that it's an enormous horse...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...enormous wooden horse as a gift anyway... I don't know if this was a- a popular gift at the time. But it's also the stupidity of the Trojans saying, "Brilliant! I've always wanted an enormous wooden horse. Well what we gonna do with it? Where are we going to put it?"

ricky: "We'll wheel it in anyway, leave it- Look- look- wheel it in. Let's go to sleep. Let's worry about it tomorrow."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: There's- there's a- yeah. But it's this idea of going, someone going, "right, is this definitely the best idea?" And they go, "yeah." And they look to the carpenter.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he goes, "but it's going to take a while!"

steve: Yeah, "we've got to get wood"

ricky: "We've got to get all the- the... well you haven't put a door in!"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "How they gonna get out the"

steve: "It doesn't look like a horse!"

ricky: "It is!"

steve: "This is the worst horse I've ever seen! Why, it looks like a cow!"

ricky: "Wow! They have- they have the utters where we hide!"

ricky: "There's a horse to-"

steve: "It's got no tail!"

ricky: "It's here though- that's the rope that you climb up!"

steve: But I don't know if it's one of those things where again, 'cause of, we kind of learn these things at school that somewhere along the line the truth of it has disappeared, and we're...

ricky: Well I imagine it lost a bit in translation.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: 'Cause uhh, in- eohippus in Greek means 'giant tank.'

steve: That makes me... right.

ricky: So that- that's- there was a Sherman.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And it burst through and it shot 'em all.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But of course, down the years they've tried- look at Karl's face. Look at Karl's face! If everyone on webcam- Karl, just keep that face and look up to the camera. Right, just, right, get 'em- get- look at that now! Play a record, Karl. Educating Karl. We should bring that back!

steve: We should bring that back.

ricky: Yeah? Whatcha wanna learn about next week?

steve: We've told you about the Trojan Horse.

karl: Uhh, know anything about any freaks?

ricky: Placebo. This Picture. On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

karl: Right.

ricky: So you've been educated there haven't ya. The Trojan Horse.

karl: Yeah, so I- uhh yeah.

ricky: The Trojan Horse. And that's of course where the phrase "beware Greeks bearing gifts" comes from.

steve: Silence, again.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well, what-

ricky: You haven't heard of that one?

karl: Go on. What's- what's that again?

ricky: "Beware Greeks bearing gifts."

karl: Right.

steve: What do you think that means?

karl: Uhh... I don't know. I mean, what- is that- is that used worldwide, or what? Will they say that in Greece as well, or...?

ricky: Ah!

karl: Can you imagine Christmas day is rubbish, if that...

ricky: No, it- it doesn't actually mean "beware of Greeks bearing gifts," it's more to do with like, maybe it's too good to be true or, you know.

steve: Just-

ricky: It's the opposite to "don't look at gift horse in the mouth." Well, for probably more- go on.

steve: Just- Justin from Southend emailed in and he just said uh, "for the Trojans not to have spotted that it was a trick, they must have been the biggest bunch of moronic mmm-yeah ever to have walked the Earth. Does Karl have any Trojan in him by any chance?"

ricky: Cheeky innit.

steve: Aye.

karl: What?

steve: Nevermind. I think that promptly proves it.

ricky: I thought of another one like it as well. Another saying. "You may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb."

steve: I've never heard- I don't think I've heard that. I have heard but I don't think I've ever used it in common parlance.

ricky: Well it's like, if you're gonna do something, you know, you might as well go the whole hog depending on the- the outcome. Be- because it's based on reality- that's why I like it. Because obviously the poor people used to poach and if they were caught stealing... you know, a sheep or anything, they would be hung. So if you're gonna get caught don't c- steal a lamb... you know. At least feed your family for a few weeks.

steve: Right. Sure.

ricky: Kill a sheep.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Actually hung. Killing a sheep.

steve: Harsh. Your dad would be in trouble down in Wales. Stealing stuff from that uh, from that phone box.

karl: Well he has a couple of sayings, right.

steve: Your dad does?

karl: Erh, yeah I've- I've never asked him what they mean. Erhm.

ricky: Why would ya? "How old's Suzanne?"

karl: One- one is, uhh... "Don't try and teach your granny to suck eggs."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Well...

karl: What does that mean?

ricky: That means... uh, it's patronizing to- to- of course, of course I know that. You're- you're talking to someone who knows more about this subject than you.

karl: But how did that happen then? How did that saying come about?

ricky: Well it's not... it's- it's- it's a totally made up thing. It's like, your granny sucks eggs, didn't she 'cause she's- she's older than you and it's probably a lost art or something.

karl: Alright. Uhh, and the other one, erhm... don't-

steve: Sucks eggs?

karl: Sucks eggs, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Sucks eggs. Sorry, I thought you said something else.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uhh, "don't nudge your granny when she's shaving."

steve: Whaa- What?

karl: "Don't-

ricky: Sorry.

karl: "Don't nudge your granny while she's shaving."

steve: "Don't nudge your-" sorry, well that's slower I can't-

karl: "Don't-" "Don't-"

ricky: "Don't nudge your-

karl: "Don't nudge your granny when she's having a shave."

ricky: Well what is that in context 'cause I can't work out what the analogy is there because that might just be you- you- when you were little you used to run up to your granny while she was shaving or something. And she kept-

steve: But what- why is your granny shaving?

ricky: Well no what to- what context does that settle in? Tell me the last time your dad ever said that and I'll try and work out what it means.

karl: Uhhh... Can't remember. I can't uh- d- d-

steve: Are you sure these aren't specific to your gran?

ricky: I was gonna say! Why are you nudging your granny? She was going...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Get lost Karl!"

steve: She was shaving off her moustache.

karl: I-

ricky: Or giving herself a brazilian.

steve: Oh God!

steve: That's grotesque! Sucking eggs, sucking eggs, sucking eggs.

ricky: Sucking eggs. Oh, oh god.

steve: Try and get that instead. That's a-

ricky: That's made- that's made it even worse!

steve: Yeah, that's made it even worse!

ricky: Karl's granny sucking eggs, whilst as-

ricky: That is my...

steve: "Give herself a brazilian."

steve: We've no idea what- I don't know what that means. "Don't nudge your granny while she's shaving." What, parmesan?

karl: I- I don't know. Maybe someone knows. You might be right, maybe. It's a-

ricky: Well, email in. Tell us.

karl: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Anyway. Rockbusters, Karl.

karl: Go on.

steve: Yeah? Should we get the ball rolling? Let me just find the, uh, the gifts here. The little treats. We got the album from The Coral; you know what I think about that. We've got uhh...

ricky: The Cor-

steve: Comfort in Sound. Feeder. Well, it's just a novelty record, isn't it?

ricky: Yeah. Same.

steve: Um, we've got uh, on DVD More Great Comedy Moments: Favourite Clips from the Best of Contemporary BBC Comedy. We got Partridge on the front there, we've got one of the guys from Red Dwarf. And uhh...

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: One of those... good stuff on there. Smash Hits: The Reunion. More great '80s tunes. Kajagoogoo's on there, uhh plus some stuff...

ricky: Too Shy?!

steve: It is Too Shy! Don't ya know.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Actually let me see if you can guess which ones.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Tiffany.

ricky: Uhh, oh yeah I know it. The only one. Uh...

steve: I Think We're Alone Now.

ricky: Yeah, I Think We're Alone, yeah.

steve: Umm, Mel & Kim?

ricky: Ah, Respectable.

steve: Hmmhmm. Human League?

ricky: That'd be, oh wow what would it do with... they've got Don't You Want Me?

steve: Course.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah. A-ha?

ricky: Take- Lies- Take On Me?

steve: Yeah. Well done.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Umm... Madness?

ricky: Baggy Trousers.

steve: Of course. Ah, Kim Wilde?

ricky: Kids in America?

steve: Yeah, so there's just all those treats. If you- if you-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If- if you like a song from an '80s band it's probably on there.

ricky: Yeah, okay.

steve: Plus you've also got on uh VHS, uhhh, Graham Norton. Some kind of best of compilation from his TV show. So uh, there the umm...

ricky: Hold on. Is- is it the one where he talks to sort of female gay icons and- and looks at the internet.

steve: I c-

ricky: 'Cause that's my favourite one! Ummmm... right! There ya go. Let's do Rockbusters.

karl: Alright.

steve: Email only, of course.

karl: Yeah, yeah. Uhhh... you email in [email protected] if you know the answer. Right, first one. Ahh, bit of a cryptic clue. If you haven't heard it before.

ricky: Well, not cryptic, but go on.

karl: Ummmmm...

ricky: What- what is Karl thinking?

karl: If you go into France by boat, I'd get your fags on there 'cause it's a lot cheaper.

ricky: Imagine Bob Holness, "Sorry, we're out of time! I- uh- sorry, your minute's up. You've won nothing. I was reading that question out."

steve: Sorry, so what's the uh...

ricky: Right. Right, do it again. And I want it to be exactly the same, word perfect. I bet you it will change all over the place. Your ridic- he's lost it! Right.

steve: "Go into France, buy yourself a boat, and the fags are cheaper."

ricky: Yeah! Okay. Okay, okay. "Fingers on the buzzers. Um, you've only got ten seconds to win the, uh, the gold run. Okay, first up. Here! I'll tell you what. No, seriously. If you want- you're thinking of going to France, well don't! You know, because... go on the ferry, get the fags there! 'Cause it's cheaper." Go on.

karl: Right, so that one again. Uhh, if you want to buy some fags. You're going over to France on a boat. Get 'em on there 'cause you'll save a few quid. B.F. Right.

steve: B.F.

karl: B.F.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Okay.

karl: Right, the second one. Erhm, this little uhh...

karl: ...foreign cafe is growing its own steak.

steve: "This little foreign cafe is growing its own steak."

karl: This little foreign cafe is growing its own steak.

ricky: Go on.

karl: D.

steve: Alright.

karl: Right.

ricky: Okay.

karl: And the last one. Uhhh, ohhh... hmm.

steve: [mumbles]

karl: Hang on.

ricky: He's the best! Isn't he!

steve: Yup.

ricky: He's the best!

karl: The Jamaican fella might have screamed this on the uhh...

ricky: Ugh, Christ.

karl: ...on the Titanic.

ricky: What?

steve: The Jamaican fella might have scre- might have screamed this on the Titanic.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: I- I- what- what's it start with?

karl: It's uhh, C.D., that one.

steve: The Jamaican fella might have screamed this on the Titanic. [email protected] please don't phone in. Um, if you can get those we just don't want to talk to you.

karl: Is that Nelly?

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, sweet.

steve: It's a summer tune. It's a summer fade away.

ricky: Sweet.

steve: Nelly. Ride with Me. Ah, that's featuring City Spud. I don't know if you're aware of that, but uh, there we are. Good. Nice summer tune. XFM.

ricky: Karl! Tell, uh, Steve what you just told me when Steve was in the toilet then.

karl: Right. You know, I've- I've just been away with me mam and dad and that.

steve: Hmm.

karl: And uh, one of the things I always like doing is having a good chat with me dad about stuff he got up to... when he was a kid and that.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, 'cause he got up to loads of stuff. And every time I see him, tells me something n- it- it's like, "why you just telling me that now?"

steve: Yeah.

karl: It's brilliant.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, so uhh,

steve: I- I've- I don- To me he's kind of like Ronnie Biggs or someone. He's just the most extraordinary, kind of, character...

karl: Well this- this happened, right. I- I can't remember... there was a delay yesterday. There was problems on the Paddington line.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And he was saying, "oh, trains aren't what they used to be."

steve: Sure.

karl: Erhm, he said, "you know, there was-"

ricky: "They used to be horses, didn't they?"

karl: Well he was like- he was looking in the booklet... and it was saying how you can have your bags collected if you want. Or it costs you a fiver.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So that's outrageous.

steve: Sure, of course.

karl: Right, so he said, "that's the problem with this country. Erh, we've got good with computers and that, but when it comes to like, getting service... it's gone out the window."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right. So he said, "when I worked on the trains, you know," and he was going on like this, that, and the other. So I said, "oh I- I didn't know you worked on the trains." He said, uhh, "yeah, yeah when I was eighteen..." right, it was his job to get the coal, right, and chuck it in the engine...

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: Right. And one day he's in, uhh, he's in Grand Central Station in Manchester which is now the G-MEX Center.

steve: Right.

karl: Right. And that was, like, the main station. And uh... he was in there. The fella who should have been, sort of, driving the train, right...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...he said, "oh, I'm just nipping to the pub."

steve: Sure.

karl: "So you just stay here. Keep the engine topped up and stuff."

steve: Yeah.

karl: So he's like, "yeah alright-"

ricky: For a quick getaway.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Alright. So uhh, so the fella goes in- in the pub. And me dad's in there, you know, putting the coal on. He- he did his bacon and eggs on a little, uh, on a little shovel.

steve: Yup, yup.

karl: And uhh, anyway. Fella comes up, he says, "right, can you move the, uh, train forward now?"

steve: Oh, blimey.

karl: So he's like, "ohh..." So he didn't want to say, "oh, the fella's in the pub," because he'd know he'd say, "what's he doing in the pub? He should be working," right.

steve: Of course.

karl: So he said, "yeah yeah yeah, no problem. I'll sort it out." Right. So he, uh, puts it- puts it into gear or whatever you do on... on them trains. Right.

steve: Sure, put it into first gear.

karl: Starts going forward. Now, people who don't know about trains... something that I learned, is if you're carrying a load of coal or whatever on the back of it... they don't have brakes on each carriage, right. It's only the engine that has brakes on it.

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: So when you pull the brakes on the- on the engine, the whole weight of what it's pulling is pushing you forward.

steve: Sure.

karl: Right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, he doesn't realise this though 'cause he's- he's just used to cooking bacon and eggs and chucking coal in the thing.

steve: Course, yeah. So you've got to slam the brakes on sooner than you would normally-

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Well you'd have to anticipate, I su'pose- yeah yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But he- he didn't know that...

steve: Of course he didn't, no.

karl: ...so he's pulling in this thing and right...

steve: Well he's a Pilkington.

karl: Put the brakes- I'll put the brakes on now.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right. Put the brakes on. The train's just- keeps going. He's going, "oh, God it's not stopping."

steve: Sure.

karl: It ploughs right through the signal box.

karl: Right. Uhh, loads of damage.

steve: The baboon pulling the signals doesn't know what to do.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Loads of- loads of damage done. Apparently, it- if- if it was today's money...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...it would be about three to four...

karl: ...millions pounds worth of damage. It- it- it shut the station off...

steve: God!

karl: ...for four weeks. Erhm. But he didn't lose his job. The fella lost his job; the- one who was in the- in the pub.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Erhm, he said, "the funny thing was," he said, like, four million pounds worth of damage. Erhm. He did his ankle- his uh- his wrist in. He had three weeks off sick and got paid.

karl: Said, "it's brilliant." So...

ricky: I... love your family.

steve: It's extraordinary. The Pilkington gene.

karl: Weird, innit?

steve: I'd like to see a documentary following you and your family. You'd have to get the family involved.

karl: No the- the- sort of stuff me dad goes on about. They'd never put it on telly.

steve: Hmm.

ricky: Blur. Out of Time. On XFM 104.9.

steve: We'll have to give those Rockbusters clues again.

ricky: Yeah, go on.

karl: Ahhh... first one.

steve: We've had very few contributions so far, Karl. I think you've really stumped people...

ricky: Ah, this might be it. I've told ya, you're on thin ice. If this- if this goes wrong- if it's rubbish and if everyone doesn't get 'em all, that's the end of Rockbusters.

karl: Right. Well, uh, the first one again, right.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: If you're goin' to France, right, by boat, you might as well get your fags whilst you're on that 'cause you'll save a few quid, right.

ricky: Different every time. It's-

karl: B- B.F. B.F. is the initials of the artist that- that that little cryptic clue makes up. Second one. Little foreign cafe is growing its own steak. Right. That's D. Little foreign cafe is growing its own steak. D.

karl: And the last one. Ahhh. If there was a Jamaican fella on the Titanic when it went down he'd- he'd probably scream this.

karl: C.D. Right. So email in [email protected] alright.

steve: Yeah. They're not flooding in, but yeah.

karl: Well, we'll see how we do.

steve: Karl, have we still got Monkey News?

karl: We got Monkey News coming up.

steve: Now you must be disappointed because you didn't make it to the monkey sanctuary but you still managed to scrape together Monkey News on your holiday.

karl: Yeah.

steve: That's impressive.

karl: So found some of that. We've got...

ricky: How'd- how'd you- how'd you get so many breaks and holidays? Because you went- you went away with Suzanne's parents. You've just been away with your parents; that's a couple of weeks, ten days. That's probably about three weeks in all. You had that- you went to Manchester. You we're- you had that day off 'cause your trousers were wet. I mean- and you, ya know, I mean I suppose 'cause you- you've only got one job and, you know, I've got a lot more. This- just one of my jobs. But I mean, don't- don't- don't you ever count your blessings? Go, "God, thank God I just- I can have time off, I- I don't work too hard. You know, I'm not stressed too much..."

karl: I know, I know. I- it's just all to do with, when you do work, do a lot. So I've- I get a lot done.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What'dya mean?

karl: I'm always doing stuff. I mean even though- when I was in Cornwall, right, I'm sat there on the grass.

steve: Hmm.

karl: Erhm...

ricky: Ohh I'd love to just sit on the grass.

steve: [clicks tongue] oh yeah, yeah. Too busy for that one.

ricky: Too busy for that one, I know, yeah. Well you know...

karl: Me- me dad and Suzanne are playing crib, right. I'd sort of fallen out with...

steve: Your dad and Suzanne are playing crib!

ricky: What'd you fall- falling out with who?

steve: 'Cause you do live in the 1940s.

ricky: Yeah, why'd you falling out?

karl: 'Cause with crib- have you ever played crib?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, you've got to be pretty good at maths.

steve: Sure.

karl: You've got to make your cards add up to fifteen and all...

ricky: Well yeah...

ricky: ...I was just gonna- I was just gonna correct you on "you've got to be good at maths." Yeah! What- what? Algebra? Quantum physics? What?

karl: No, just- just adding up-

ricky: Adding up to fifteen. Brilliant.

karl: I mean me dad-

steve: You could almost do it on your fingers.

ricky: You could in Cornwall!

steve: Yeah.

karl: But me dad's, ah, really good at maths. So like, he said "how many have you got?" And he always counts his and it's like, "fifteen two fifteen four fifteen six three's- three for your hat, ones..." and all that. Do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He adds it up really quick.

ricky: "One for his knob."

karl: Right, so I was like, "right, hang on a minute." And he goes, "no, what'dya mean hang on? I mean- what- what have ya got?" I say, "oh! Forget it!"

karl: I said, "this isn't- this isn't fun if you're gonna start getting all arse-y with me.

steve: Sure.

karl: So...

ricky: "Forget it!"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I love it! That he's only- I'm sure he's- I don't know him but I'm sure he's just winding you up. It- like- his- his victory is you going "oh! Forget it! I'm not playing."

karl: Well anyway, right. So it doesn't matter and I think I'll go off and do some prep, right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Do some research for Saturday.

ricky: Hmm.

karl: Found one of Suzanne's magazines, right. Ahh, flicking through 'cause there's always interesting stuff in there. There was something about, umm, 'bout swingers.

steve: Right.

karl: And I was like, "what's all that about?"

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it had an interview with some people talking about, you know, how they uhh... sleep about a bit.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And I thought, "if my wife looked like that I probably would."

karl: 'Cause there was a few pictures of 'em and they were all pretty ugly.

steve: Yes.

karl: I thought... right. So I took that in, soaked that up. Thought, "there ya go." Ah, carried on reading. There was a bit in there about how women still have crushes, right.

steve: Yes.

karl: Ahh, and the woman was going on about, ahh, how she's thirty-eight, right, but she still fancies Chris Martin from Coldplay.

steve: Uh-huh.

karl: And uhh, you know, even though it will never happen she's- she's still go that little bit in her head...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...that thinks one day she'll [sic] leave Gwyneth, right, and end up with- with- with her, right.

steve: Right.

karl: Anyway, so I'm flicking- I'm thinking "this is a bit boring," but I'm flicking through it all. And uh...

ricky: Is this a- is this a Rockbusters clue?

karl: No, no.

karl: Right. And I read- I read further on, read fur- further on, right. And uh, she said, you know, "We- we- I like to go out with me mates and we come up with lists in pubs of people who like, oh you know, they'd- they'd be nice to go out with." She also came up with a- a list... of unlikely lust objects, I think she called them.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Guess who was in that list?

steve: Ricky Gervais.

karl: Think again.

steve: Karl Pilkington.

karl: Right. Next one.

steve: Johnny Vegas.

karl: Said, "lanky co-writer."

steve: Rubbish.

karl: "Lanky co-writer."

steve: What'dya mean "lanky co-writer?"

karl: Well, do I need to say any more?

karl: It said...

steve: Hang on, wait a minute. Let's not talk about- I- I- I don't know why you're laughing at my expense. I'm an unlikely lust object.

karl: Yeah, but...

ricky: But you- you... yeah. What was it called? The- the list?

karl: Uh, the- the unlikely lust object list.

steve: Yeah!

karl: You were in there, right.

ricky: Who else was?

steve: Well you weren't in there!

karl: Richard- Richard Madeley.

steve: Fine!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He's a good looking guy!

karl: Alastair Campbell.

steve: Brilliant. Another handsome dude.

karl: Hmm.

steve: What'dya talking about?! How can you- how are you- what, you're- you think I'm ashamed or embarrassed about that? I'm proud of it. What magazine what it? I need to buy a couple of copies.

steve: I need to get a T-shirt made.

ricky: Yeah! And did she leave her number?

steve: Yeah.

steve: What- so what magazine was it? Just out of- just out of interest.

karl: I think it's called 'Red.'

steve: Yeah, sure...

ricky: But now you've dissed those people that have put themselves in there as swingers 'cause you said they were ugly. So now we know what magazine it is. People are gonna look at that. People are gonna look at that poor woman and they're gonna know you think she's a hog.

karl: No, but I- I think they even know.

steve: Was there a picture of...

ricky: "They even know!"

steve: ...the woman who- who drawn up the list of unlikely lust objects?

karl: Hmm.

steve: What was she like?

karl: I wouldn't waste me time.

steve: Right.

steve: Thanks mate. I know you're on my side.

ricky: God! Oh god.

ricky: The Thrills. On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me... Steve Merchant, object of- unlikely lust object Steve Merchant.

steve: I'd like to have that now prefixing my name everywhere I'm written about.

ricky: I know, yeah. Did he make the freak list?

steve: Whoa!! Slow down.

ricky: Which is in a- which is a different magazine, isn't it? And I'm joking of course. Karl Pilkington. A man of sort of quiet- quiet dignity and...

ricky: ...and in a way he's got his own sort of inner beauty, hasn't he, Karl?

steve: Not really.

ricky: Don't you think?

steve: Well I'll tell you why I don't think it is. Because the woman that wrote the piece saying that I was an unlikely lust object has just emailed in. And Karl, you've offended her quite considerably.

ricky: What'd he say?

karl: Why?

steve: "I wouldn't waste my time" is what you said. She's repeated that.

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: "I wouldn't waste my time, the flaming cheek. Although it's a horrible picture I am of course in real life a vision of loveliness. I am not thirty-eight, I'm twenty-five. I don't think Steven's that unlikely lust object. A sense of humour's important and he's welcome to my phone number if he wants it."

karl: Is she...

ricky: A sense of humour's important. That's a downer, innit?

karl: Is she a swinger?

ricky: [scoffs] Stop it!

steve: Don't have a go at the woman!

karl: I'm- I'm not- I'm- I'm messing about. She knows I'm messing about.

steve: Well how are you messing about? You've insulted her.

ricky: I've told you this though. I've told you that anyone could be listening, haven't I? I've told you that before- things you say- and- and you- but we encourage him. We say, "what did she look like?" We- but it's mean to be rhetorical. That was a joke. That was Steve's joke: "what did she look like?" i.e., him joking, like, "oh! I- I'll call her up 'cause I'm on a list" and then you have to say that! [pause] I mean, uh, that's what I mean. Ch- ch- chances are if, you know, if she likes Steven- she hasn't seen him. She listens to the radio! So...

karl: Hmmm.

ricky: ...the likelihood is that, you know, she was listening to this show!

steve: Yeah!

ricky: So, think.

karl: Will I drop the thing I was gonna do about Lisa Riley?

steve: Well, I-

ricky: She's not listening, she's-

steve: Some people deserve it.

ricky: She's still at lunch.

steve: What, from Tuesday?

steve: There's an all- all-you-can-eat place going out of business this week.

ricky: Yeah. "Oh bloody hell! She back! You kill me! Ah bambino! Please leave now! Please leave!"

ricky: God. So, uh...

karl: No, but she knows I was only messing, this uh-

ricky: Yeah. Everyone knows you're only messing. We're all only messing. I hope we don't offend anyone, of uh, you know, any kind out there. We're only joking, aren't we Karl?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Say something nice about her.

steve: What can you remember of the picture that you could- that you could say was good? Maybe she was wearing some nice clothes.

karl: There wasn't anything to be honest. I'll have another look and- have a look. I think she had a nice shirt on or something.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Forthcoming single from British Sea Power. That's called Carrion.

ricky: I love it.

steve: It's great.

ricky: It is fantastic.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: On XFM 104.9.

steve: What do you make, Karl, of these people- I was reading in the paper today, they've been queueing up for twelve hours, last night, for the new Harry Potter book.

ricky: Oh, God!

steve: I knew you'd react like that!

ricky: Oh, God! It really annoys me. Everything- e- e- oh, God! It really annoys me.

steve: But who has to- I mean, I know it's just a kind of wilful, sort of, stubbornness.

ricky: I see- I- I- I see adults...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...reading it, you know. I- I- ohhhh.

steve: Well I was up in Hampstead last night, and uhh, there's a- a Waterstones branch and that, and there were a couple of people outside. Queueing, waiting for it to open. Ummm...

ricky: What'd they look like?

steve: Well, I...

ricky: Things that th- th- like the ones that come out of a forbid pl- forbidden planet on a Thursday. Yeah.

steve: Yeah, I mean what do you expect. There was one guy, I mean don't mean to disrespect him but he was a big bloater. Shorts, wearing shorts. I don't want to see his big fleshy legs. He looked like Jono Coleman, if I'm not... you know.

ricky: Well there's nothing wrong with Jono Coleman now.

steve: He wore a knapsack. They always seem to have knapsacks for some reason.

ricky: Well they got old- they got old papers in there, haven't they.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Got a- nine years supply of The Mirror.

steve: Well there was about four of them. They was a couple of women, couple of guys. All looked basically the same. They were interchangeable. And umm...

karl: I'm gonna get a new...

steve: They were there f-

karl: ...from them in a minute.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah. "I'll have the fat bloke with fleshy legs."

steve: Yeah, yeah. I recognize your description.

ricky: "I like to read these books whilst listening to XFM on a Saturday."

steve: Yeah. Umm, and uh, I sort of watching them from where I was, and I- and they were there- must have been there about an hour and a half. They were all abviously strangers. They'd all- then- their common interest was Harry Potter. They were reading- they were sort of chatting to each other for about an hour and a half. So as I'm leaving I wander past them... an hour and a half in to them having met each other. The conversation is- a- all I heard was, uh, huh, "well of course apparently she cried when she finished the last one." And I thought...

ricky: G- they haven't r-

steve: ...what, th- they got no- not moved on. The conversation had not moved on.

ricky: No, they might have been talking about Dawn French and her, her chocolate orange...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...by then.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And then she cried when she finished the last one once.

steve: Yeah, yeah. But, um...

ricky: But, um... yeah.

steve: I've got no time for them. I-

ricky: Nor have I.

steve: Just, you know. Pop into Woolworths now.

ricky: Yeah. I- I- I'll tell you what-

steve: I'm gonna let you-

ricky: Get it tomorrow. Read it then. You not- what- what- you're gonna get home at half one and start reading it?

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: So you can put it on the internet.

ricky: Oh, God.

steve: Your opinions.

ricky: Oh, it annoys me.

steve: It is extraordinary. The whole kind of- the whole kind of Harry Potter phenomenon has passed me by. I-

ricky: I know. I know-

steve: Many people-

ricky: Good luck to her, you know.

steve: But you mean adults who were- umm- you say, "what you doing there?" "Oh, I'm just re-reading Harry Potter." "What, you couldn't follow it the first time?"

ricky: I know. Yeah. I mean- I mean it's not her fault, you know...

steve: No, good luck to her.

ricky: ...she made 300 million pounds by writing a few books for her kids.

steve: I'm sure they're very good, yeah.

ricky: Well- well done. But um, I'm sure they're- I mean, I'm not sure they're very good. But, uh... I'm- I haven't read 'em. I'm- I'm sure they're not! But no, I don't know, I'm- I'm-

steve: Well don't have a go.

ricky: No, no. I know, I know. I'm joking.

steve: Let's see you write a...

ricky: But I have no idea-

steve: ...book about a little wizard.

ricky: With glasses.

steve: Yeah. And make millions. You- so eas- everything is so easy, you do it!

ricky: You- you like him 'cause you look a bit like him.

steve: Oh!

ricky: Well...

steve: You know.

ricky: I wonder if he's on a... That wish list. That- that woman who emailed in. Why was she making a list of unlikely...

steve: Can we leave this now?

ricky: No, but I mean what was it- what was- context was it? It was like, "here's my top ten weird looking fellas that I'd do."

steve: No!

ricky: What was it? I know, but what- what was the- what was- she was talking about what? What- she'd started talking about, what, body waxing. And went, "and, by the way, while I'm here, here's ten blokes that I would if I had to and they're a bit weird. You'll be surprised." What was the context?

karl: Forgot.

ricky: He's scared to say anything now! He's scared to say anything! Oh, bless him!

karl: I just was looking at a picture, 'cause I was attracted to it 'cause she was good looking and that. Didn't read on. That alright?

ricky: Well done. That's uh, got you out of that little mess.

karl: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: [mumbles]

karl: But uh, Harry Potter.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You kept your ass with it. Have you read them?

karl: Uh, no 'cause the- the first it came out, uhh, I was a bit confused, wasn't I? 'Cause I thought it was a- a rabbit...

ricky: Of course you were! Yeah! You- course what? What?

steve: This is a what? It's a book.

karl: No, I- I- I got confused with the little, uh, the little rabbit. I thought it was her, didn't I? You talked about it when I heard-

ricky: Beatrix Potter.

karl: Yeah, I got- I got mixed up with that. So I sort of missed out on the first one anyway.

steve: You just running around confused...

karl: So it was too late. So it was like-

steve: ...for a year.

karl: Too- sort of, too late to get into it I think, after...

ricky: Yeah. It's too late now, yeah.

karl: Erhm.

ricky: It's impossible! Same with Shakespeare. If you weren't around, you know...

ricky: ...the day- the day he wrote the first ones, there's no point in going back.

karl: But it's all a fuss that she's getting as well. Like, umm...

ricky: Well I think it's 'cause she's a British industry now, isn't she? I mean, it must have made, what? Billions?

steve: Well it's the perfect success story. She writes a- a- a story for her children and it becomes a worldwide phenomenon. You know, it's not cynical it's just... it's just a great story.

ricky: Did you dad ever pop anything down in writing?

karl: I'll tell you what. Me mam wanted to do it.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Erhm... There's been loads of things, little inventions she's come up with and that but she's been too busy doing all this stuff. But she used to come up with stories for me as a kid that I'm sure if they came out they'd be a success.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Do you remember any of them?

karl: Uhh, it was one about a little red car. I can't remember how that ended. Ahh, but the one that was really good was about a, uhh, a kid who gets... uh, a dog, right, ummm... but it's quite an old dog.

ricky: This is gonna be an episode of the Waltons, innit.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Alright, go on. Go on.

karl: And uh, he's playing with the dog and that, but it starts getting a bit old. About fifteen or whatever.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And uh, he goes, "oh, it's rubbish, this dog."

karl: So-

ricky: I would love that book for kids! I would love that w- Tommy went, "oh, mummy my dog [mumbles]." "Kill it then."

ricky: "Kill it then. Shall I? Yeah! Just throw it in the lake! I'll get you another one. Do you want a Nintendo?" "Yeah." "Kick the rabbit to death then. Or no food for you." Brilliant.

karl: Oh, forget it. No.

ricky: No, no! No!

steve: No, no! Oh...

karl: No, forget it.

steve: We want to hear it!

ricky: Come on!

ricky: Jump. Van Halen. On XFM on 104.9. Right, come on Karl. We've got a lot to fit in now. We've insulted [laughs] a lot of people. Only about twenty-five minutes to go. We've got Monkey News. We've got Rockbusters. Have we got a Cheeky Freak of the Week this week?

karl: Could cram it in. See how we do.

steve: Do we want- do we want to hear the end of Karl's story?

ricky: Yeah, what's this-

steve: I really want to hear the end of your story.

ricky: The kid, little- little Timmy and his- his- his fifteen year old dog Lucky. He got a bit bored with it.

karl: Right, so he said "oh Mom, you know, this dog's rubbish and that. I'm sick of it."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So she goes...

ricky: How old were you when your Mom was telling you this story?

karl: Ahh, don't know. About four?

ricky: Okay.

steve: It wasn't last week on holiday?

karl: No.

ricky: Ha, no, no.

karl: So uh, so she goes, "oh alright then. We'll get you another one."

steve: Yeah.

karl: She goes, "brilliant."

ricky: "What'd you do with the old one?"

karl: Just kept it but didn't, sort of, play with it or anything.

steve: Just ostracized it. Until it left...

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: ...on its own free will, or curled up and died.

ricky: Yeah, go on. Yeah.

karl: So uh, she...

ricky: What'd she get him? What sort of dog?

karl: I think it was a little, uh little baby, like, Labrador.

ricky: Puppy.

karl: Little puppy, yeah. Right.

ricky: Yeah, Labrador. Good one. Good choice. Good choice for a second dog.

karl: So umm...

ricky: Yeah. I'm loving this story.

steve: It's a great story!

ricky: I'm actually loving this story.

karl: So...

ricky: Where did he live?

karl: I- I don't know. It didn't matter. Didn't matter. It was near a- near a lake. Olby. (?)

steve: Rather than get rid of all the-

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: We- we- we're getting- it'll make sense in a minute, right. So uh, so... he's got the little dog. He's playing around with it. He's playing on its belly and stuff. He's thinking, "this is brilliant. Best dog I've ever had." Right. And the other dog sat in the corner looking all fed up.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right. So uhh...

ricky: I like this story.

karl: So, he says- he says to his mam, "right, I'm taking ah, little puppy down the park."

steve: Yeah.

karl: And she goes, "well, take the old one with you." And he goes, "ah, do we have to?"

ricky: It's the moral innit, I bet the old one saves him. So.

karl: So, so... he goes "oh, do I have to?" She goes, "yeah, he still needs a walk and that. He's crapping all over the house." Right.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, takes it down the park. Right. And uh, it's playing around. And he's playing near the- near the lake.

steve: [inhales]

karl: Right.

ricky: Is the puppy near the lake, Karl? 'Cause this is what was worrying me.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Puppy's near the lake.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right. That jumps in.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: The kid goes "oh, God!" He jumps in. Remembers he can't swim.

steve: Yeah, idiot.

karl: Right.

ricky: This kid is based on you, innit?

steve: Almost certainly.

karl: Flapping about. Water's going everywhere. He's gonna- can't- "oh, God!" And he- he like, he wants the puppy to help him but the puppy's just like drowning as well.

steve: Yeah.

karl: The old dog comes up. Drags 'em both out. He goes, "I can't believe it. You know, I said I was fed up with you."

steve: Yeah.

karl: "You've saved me life."

steve: Yeah.

karl: He gets home and he says to his Mam...

ricky: "Kill the little one."

karl: "Should have never got the puppy."

ricky: "Kill the puppy."

karl: Yeah. So it's good little... good little story.

ricky: What does he say when he gets home?

karl: He said, "I don't need the puppy now, I- I-"

ricky: Brilliant!

ricky: Brilliant! Genius!

karl: It's good, innit.

steve: Yeah, so the moral of that story is...

ricky: Well they show-

steve: ...just follow your whims.

ricky: They just-

ricky: Yeah, if you get bored, get bored and just get another puppy.

steve: Get another dog.

ricky: If you get bored with the old one again just do it again, and I mean...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...just eventually, you know, get something that you like...

steve: Yeah, they're only dogs. Who cares?

ricky: ...but little. Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's brilliant. That is a brilliant story though.

karl: Yeah. Right, so... that's that. Rockbusters.

steve: Yes.

karl: I don't want you to have Monkey News right now.

steve: Oh, okay.

karl: Just had a little story there.

steve: Sure.

ricky: He's done one it's- yeah. Don't want to go too far. Yeah, go on.

karl: So we'll get Rockbusters out of the way. Have we got a winner?

ricky: Yeah, come on then.

steve: Ah, well, ohhh.

ricky: See it worries me that there's- we've had a- very few entries. I think that even you're... mental fans aren't getting these which is really worrying. They must be terrible clues this week.

karl: Alright, well. Ahhh...

ricky: Has anyone got them right, Steve?

steve: I think there's just one guy, yeah, who I suspect has won in the past, but there we are.

ricky: Well uh, so what?

karl: Right, the first one. Ahhh. If you're going to France by boat, ahhh, you might as well buy your f- fags on that 'cause you'll get 'em a lot cheaper.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: Right.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Ummm... B.F.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Buy it ferry. Right, that's like-

ricky: What?

karl: Buy on ferry.

ricky: What??

karl: Buy on f- buy on f-

ricky: What's "Buy on ferry?" Who's- well, what's that? Is that a band?

karl: What?

ricky: What is it? I don't know what it is.

karl: No, Bry- Bryan Ferry.

ricky: Bryan Ferry? What's that got to do with buying on a ferry though?

karl: It's- 'cause it's quite close to it. Buy on-

karl: Buy on Frerry. Buy-

ricky: What!?

karl: Buy on- buy on ferry.

ricky: Sorry I- ah- j- j- what- what-

karl: That's the first one.

ricky: What's your first language?

karl: Ah, the second one.

ricky: That's rubbish. That doesn't count.

steve: No, 'course not.

ricky: Bryan- buy on ferry.

steve: Bryan Ferry. Buy on ferry.

karl: Erhm.

karl: There's this little foreign cafe...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...umm, it's growing its own steak. Umm... [pause] That's- that's Del Amitri. Ah, the third one-

ricky: What!

steve: What!

ricky: Tell me, what? What? What is that? What is that? Del Amitri?

karl: Deli is...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...a little foreign cafe.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And meat tree and that.

steve: [scoffs] A meat tree! A meat tree!? What were the initials for that?

karl: Just- just D for that.

steve: Just D for that.

karl: Yeah.

steve: So not D.A.

ricky: So you didn't even give them a chance to get the group.

karl: Well they- they got it.

steve: Well, no.

ricky: No no no no no they- they- they didn't. Right, it's the end- go- go on, right. Go on.

steve: "Deli meat tree."

ricky: "Deli meat tree."

ricky: "One word. D."

steve: Yeah. Deli meat-

ricky: "Or any letter!"

steve: "They grind their own meat."

ricky: "M. M. M's in it."

karl: My-

ricky: Go on. Okay, so buy on- buy on- I love Buy on Ferry.

steve: Can I just point out-

ricky: And Oksa- Oksa music. Oksa music was brill-mant.

steve: Can I just-

ricky: I love Oksa music. Go on.

steve: Can I just point out, Rick, that umm, we've...

ricky: Dav- David Bowie?

steve: Deli meat tree.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don't see why, necessarily, ahh, Aiden, who uh emailed in, why he doesn't get to win because he emailed in Dire Steaks.

steve: Seems to me just as valid as far as I can tell, but...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Del Amitri it is.

karl: Erhm. And the last one. Ehh, if there was a Jamaican fella on the Titanic-

ricky: I'm looking forward to this. With a little bit of fear.

karl: Jamaican fella, if he was on the Titanic he probably would have screamed this.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: T- ahh, that's [in a Jamaican accent] Christ! De 'berg!

ricky: [quietly] I don't know what to do!

steve: Stunning.

karl: So who's- who's the winner?

steve: I'm not going to give it to anyone. I just don't- I don't-

ricky: So what- what's the Jamaican bit got to do with it?

karl: It's the D. Just- [in a Jamaican accent] Christ! De 'berg!

ricky: Say it again?

karl: No, I think- they've- they've worked it out now.

ricky: What's g- g- say it again?

karl: Christ De Berg.

ricky: And who's that?

karl: What?

ricky: Who's that?

karl: Who's what?

ricky: Who's "Christ De Berg?"

karl: Chris de Burgh. [pause] Who's the winner Steve?

steve: I'm g- d'you know what? I'm gonna give it to Aiden...

ricky: So-

steve: ...because he just- he just treated you with nothing but contempt. Steve Martin, ah, ah, emailed in again. He got the first two and then the last one he just emailed, "I neither know nor care about this answer." I'm tempted to give him- he's won in the past.

ricky: Do you know what you've done there, don't ya?

karl: Go on.

ricky: You've put the nail in the coffin of uh, Rockbusters. I warned you. I warned you for three weeks and you, sort of, bucked your ideas up for a little while. But "Christ De Berg..."

steve: Those are the worst you've ever done.

ricky: ...are the worst that I've- "Deli meat tree." So- a- and didn't- just put D. And then "buy on f- buy on ferry. Buy on- buy on ferry. Buy- I- I like buy on ferry!"

karl: So. Is there- we not- we doing it n-

ricky: Play a record.

karl: Aren't we doing it now-

steve: I'm ashamed.

ricky: You're an idiot.