XFM Vault - S02E44 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Sure

ricky: And karl... you couldn't stop questioning, did ya, about

karl: I just wondered at what point you sort of say, this is getting on my nerves. know what I mean? Yes way too long. It took any socks or whatever.

steve: Yeah,

karl: But it's not I mean it is boring in hotel rooms because I told you before about when I was in Edinburgh and had nothing to do there's nothing on the Telly and you sort of but you've eaten the shortbread biscuits in here. And uh so that's when I read the phone book to see how many

steve: That's when you read the phone book?

karl: Well, so see how many Macs were in Scotland and I've got to Macintosh. Yeah, and it was like, you know 42 Pages for

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah

karl: Jonathan, I don't know if he'd already done that and yeah, he said he uh, shaved his arse.

steve: When we say shave his arse...

karl: Not his cheeks. his...

ricky: Oh all of it?

karl: Yeah all of it.

ricky: Did he say that?

karl: Well... I think that

steve: But other than the cheeks

ricky: But then we got to the fact that ,me and jonathon, if we pooled our wealth

ricky: We could have shaved karl's arse for 1,000 pounds, right? And he said yeah for a thousand pounds he'll shave his arse. Suzanne said ,Can I say this bit?

steve: Your girlfriend said what Karl?

ricky: She was annoyed. She says well, I'm not allowed to go there why is anybody else? and of course the whole table stopped and went in and said what? he doesnt like me touching there, I meant what do you mean?

steve: This is too much information

ricky: It was too much information

steve: I like the fact that you had this conversation with her. I like the idea that she touched your arse once, and you went woo hands off.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I love you. But keep your hands away from the arse.

ricky: It's you know, what? You know why I said it he's talking about the most intimate part of the arse, the middle arse, he's talking about. And I said why, and he went bit gay innit.

ricky: I said how can a girl touching it be a bit gay.

karl: From behind it could be anyone, dont it.

ricky: Ah god! I mean you can imagine the conversations we were having right and it just it's that thing that the waitress heard something every time she came over. She heard the worst, like cock or...

steve: Jonathon ross saying I've shaved my arse.

ricky: Yeah. oh dear, but it was a good night wasn't it? So it's the thousand pounds now innit?

karl: Uhh

ricky: But presumably you'll give susanne half anyway? so everyone would be happy. You've used the arse to best effect.

ricky: Shes got half out of it, so shes made as much out of her arse as you have, in a sense. Me and jonathon are happy.

steve: Yeah but to be fair, its his arse on the line. so..

ricky: I know, but I mean you know, its not like shes getting a bum deal. she's getting 500... you know, quid

steve: No, I can understand that

ricky: But um, you reckon?

karl: Just thinking of some more

ricky: Play a record

steve: Can I just ask, before you play a record, um. if we were to shave your arse, lets say we did for charity or something.

steve: Get a sponsership. How would we do it? Would we use of those big old fashioned razors?

ricky: No, no. I would use a bic safety. I would just, straight away...

steve: And use a gel or a foam?

ricky: No, no, first of all, well yeah, I think I would just uh, lather it up, right.

steve: So you'll lather up his ass for him

ricky: I'll do the outside bit, so fwoom fwoom straight down, big broad strokes, clean right. Then I'll have to go in the crevices, and I'll need an assistant, I'll pop it apart and just very gently go in there, I might even use electronic equipment, just so there was no sort of, you know, nicks,

steve: So electric razor?

ricky: Or I might wax the internal middle arse.

karl: So how did Jonathan do it? Cause he did it on his own didn't he?

ricky: I.. He used mirrors.

ricky: We'll call and ask him. We'll call him later. But, uh... I don't know.

steve: Well, perhaps you - perhaps you listening have once shaved your arse. Maybe during, uh, an exam or something because you've been bored.

ricky: What I think, what I think - and uh, this is conjecture, but I think he was probably there; he'd had a shower, he's shaved his face, right? And thought well he was naked, looks down and goes "Oh what a hairy arse".

ricky: "Well... I got the razor in this hand. I got the mirror there."

ricky: You know I'm not, I'm not on stage for a good 10 minutes..."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "There's one thing I don't like going on stage with is a hairy arse. Bang - dun - wallop *whistles* - done. On stage. Thanks. See you later. See you next week." Yeah?

ricky: What you thinking, Karl?

karl: No. It's just - it's that, how hairy was it? Know what I mean? How hairy was it?

karl: Because I imagine, I mean, you're saying "mirrors" and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But he, he's... I mean how old is he now? He's 40 odd?

ricky: 42.

karl: And they say you're, you're - erm,.. your testicles drop quite a bit once you start getting old, don't they?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So that... he's got to make sure they're out the way. Tuck that to one side.

ricky: Yeah. But I don't think - I mean I can speak for myself, a - a- you know, as, as a - a similar age to Jonathan that

ricky: I mean, you know there's millimetres in it. It's not like we tuck them in our socks in the morning.

karl: Mmm, ok.

ricky: They're still in the same place. You really wouldn't know the difference. It wouldn't - if we filmed it in, you know, time lapse camera, they wouldn't - it wouldn't be like a bungee jump. Do you know what I mean? They wouldn't be moving a lot.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Alright?

karl: Do you think he's a - I told him he's a good looking fella, Steve. Would you, would you agree with that?

ricky: I told Jonathan, uh, that he said, that he - and he, he just went for it as well.

steve: Yeah. So you - you've spent a lot of time picturing Jonathan's...

ricky: Arse.

steve: ...naked arse. And that you find him an attractive man.

ricky: And you'd - you'd let him give you money for, for arse touchery.

steve: Yeah. Whereas your girlfriend's got no...

ricky: No chance.

steve: ...no access to it.

ricky: And you're saying he's a good looking man. Do you want to play a record and think about what you've done?

steve: Interesting.

steve: 50 cent, 21 Questions, new single from him.

ricky: Well my - me and Karl got a joint favourite lyric now "I love you like a fat kid loves cake".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's great, init?

karl: Brilliant.

ricky: I mean, I like it cos it's funny and humorous and cheeky, you like it because it, it's - it means something, don't you? That it actually - you think that that's the absolute truth. If someone was to say that to you that would be the most romantic thing they could say, init? Because it's...

karl: No, I - I'm just thinking that you know what he means. It's like the elephant man, right? The Elephant Man - that's what he's called. Again, you know what you're gonna get. The fat kid loves cake? You've said it all, you don't have to say any more.

ricky: I can't believe it. He, uh, I tell you what made his day the other day.

karl: What was it?

ricky: Jonathan Ross said The Elephant Man was one of the best films ever made.

steve: Yeah.

steve: Endorsed by a celebrity.

ricky: I know. Well, by a film buff really.

karl: It is good though, init?

steve: It is a very good film, yeah.

karl: We have got Cheeky Freak of the Week coming up.

steve: Oh, right. On the subject of that.

karl: A lot, a lot of stuff going on this week.

steve: In the freak world?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Is there really?

karl: Yeah there's loads. I mean stuff that we can - the one that hasn't made it...

ricky: So this, this is one that hasn't made it? So we'll judge on that, go on.

karl: There's a woman, right? Do you know how, um. I mean in a way I thought, Elephant Man - it was a bit tight because, you know, they sort of took him on a freak show, did a bit of a road show with him and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uh...

karl: Some woman, I think she's in in the like now who makes a lot of money because she's got three legs and like seven toes stuff and she was saying people pay quite a lot of money

ricky: Not squidy-patel?

karl: It's not that much money like compared to wear but over there. It's like loads of money

steve: Sure

karl: Erm, and all you do is you go around to 'er house...

karl: And you pay this lot of money and people just go "oh... look at that"

ricky: "extra leg"

steve: Right...

karl: Makes quite a lot of money and that

steve: So she hasn't even got go out on the road anymore, like in the old days.

karl: No, that's what annoyed me - it's like - well you could get to them faster.

karl: You go and see them if they're paying the money.

steve: Sure

ricky: What she could do is go in and buy a pair of shoes, right, and then nick one on the way out because they only put one out don't they?

steve: Good idea

ricky: So she could get you know, two - three for the price of two.

steve: Just one of the many perks of having three legs.

ricky: Just one of the many perks of having three legs. The other one is, I mean, keepy-uppy. Bet she'd be good at that

karl: Should wouldn't be good at that, she actually stays at home and puts her feets up.

steve: But anyway, that's not even cheeky freak of the week.

karl: That's coming up later.

ricky: Awww, brilliant!

steve: Now Rockbusters, dead in the water, isn't it? We've killed it off officially?

ricky: What have we killed off, Monkey News and Rockbusters?

karl: Errmm, didn't I tell you that there was some sort of petition for monkey news?

steve: Was there? what was the story?

karl: Ohhh, loads of emails and that saying...

ricky: You mean you've done monkey news? You mean you want to do monkey news?

karl: No but seriously there's uproar - and people were like "you can't get rid of monkey news".

ricky: Yeah...

karl: Don't be doing that

ricky: Who... wh... sort of... what? who was...?

karl: Loads of people.

steve: Was it monkeys trying to write the complete works of Shakespeare?

ricky: Did Tony Blair get a whiff of it? and he's he's coming down like a ton of bricks.

karl: So we're doing monkey news and Rockbusters, Steve - if you've got a better of competition -

karl: Then we'll do yours. That's fine right, you know, I mean if that's what you want to do - what, what did you want to do?

steve: No I was wondering whether we should perhaps not do a quiz at all rather than do that piece of rubbish.

steve: Might be better to have nothing. Might be better just have silence during that part of the show than have Rockbusters!

karl: How about if I give you the clues and that and if you think "they sound rubbish we're not doing it".

steve: Well, I guarantee they're going to sound rubbish. All right, let's make it the last Rockbuster's then, this is the last Rockbusters.

ricky: Well it depends - this is... it... OK this is your... if it's good where you get a reprieve it's all about this. Okay?

steve: Okay

ricky: Go on and let's do Rockbusters then

karl: Are we doing it now?

ricky: Shall we play a record and do it after that?

steve: Well I'll tell you what, I'll tell you the prizes and then we'll come back with the clues.

ricky: I've I- because I've dug out that REM track

steve: Excellent.

ricky: So it's an interactive show.

steve: Okay, we've got the best summer holiday album ever. What we've got on there? Elvis versus Junkie XL. That's brilliant.

ricky: Yep, yep

steve: Holly Valance is on there.

ricky: Yep

steve: Last ketchup - it's all the stuff the Xfm listener is craving - A Tribute to The Ramones, album.

steve: We got Red Hot Chili Peppers on there Metallica... uh, street-legal from Bob Dylan. That's nice.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Did you just buy that in the 4 for £20 from HMV deal?

karl: Yeah

steve: Fair enough

steve: Um, once again.

ricky: It's a good album.

steve: The Talons of Weng Chiang. A Doctor Who classic.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And uh, there's something for uh, for the XFM listener. Eight Mile on DVD.

ricky: I thought that was nice, that film. That was, that - the last bit was funny. It was a good - it's, it's a good film.

steve: Some good rap-off's in that as well.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So let's play a tune and then we'll come back with the Rockbusters clues.

ricky: R.E.M, go on, give it to 'em.

ricky: R.E.M - Electrolite on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Um, I walk, uh, down Oxford Street every day to go to the office and it is like running the gauntlet in Gladiator.

steve: Absolutely.

ricky: It's not only is it just like, you know, you have to dodge people and their dawdling or rushing or, you know, keeping into the road to get pass some people but avoiding taxis.

ricky: But it's like hands everywhere like leaflets. I don't know there must be a million leaflets given out. It's all...

steve: Mobile phones, sandwich shops.

ricky: Teach yourself English.

steve: Yep. Teach other people English.

ricky: Yeah, I know. And it th-those - those uh, those charity people who uh.. "Something for the alzheimer's?" and I've - I've been caught about six times where I couldn't say no. I've got about eight standing orders now, cos I just couldn't say no when they confront ya'.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Which is, you know...

steve: I'm all - it's amazing how often I'm on my way to a meeting.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'm always on my way to a meeting. And I always feel guilty if I walk past them again two minutes later with a HMV bag.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Full.

steve: Yeah, exactly. Crammed with bargains.

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: No, it's absolute m - they - they're like zombies. It's like you're fighting them off. You need a flaming torch to pass them.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Or, if it's not them it's tourists. Just constantly, you know "excuse me, can you take my photo outside HMV? Or outside Topshop?".

ricky: That doesn't happen to me a lot.

steve: Oh yeah, I always seem to have tourists. Just in the way, just kind of dawdling, you know?

ricky: But I walk so fast, I walk so fast. I've got my head down and just try and walk so fast everywhere now, cos it's yeah. But Oxford Street is just - it's unbelievable now.

ricky: And I've - I, I think it's age that I've started noticing it. Even if the window's open I hear just like cars and they're on their mobile phone - it's the loudest place in the world.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I don't know what we can do?

steve: Well, isn't it one of the busiest streets in... is it either the world? Or?

ricky: The universe?

steve: It is, it is mental.

ricky: I think if we carpeted it. And put some curtains up it would just deaden - it's like pubs with those, with those polished floors and metal tables and everyone's, um, "having to talk like that to be heard!".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "The jukebox is quite loud!" and I wanna go "Just, ju-just turn everything down.".

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Let's put some carpet down, just talk quietly like this.

steve: Try and relax, yeah.

ricky: Put the music down a little bit. We'll have a good time.

steve: I've never quite understood that impulse. I don't know again if it's age, where you go in a club or a - or a - or a pub as you're saying and the music's just slightly too loud. So it just makes everything slightly tricky. Slightly tricky to have a conversation.

ricky: I know. But what I - what annoys me is - is when it's for the amusement of the barman or barmaid. And they're bored, they're in a pub; they've got the music up - their music up, right?

steve: Yes.

ricky: Techno blaring. They've got a telly on, watching a soap opera.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I want to go "Choose one or the other!".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I mean, what are you watching?

steve: I got a minicab last night - I imagine you don't travel in minicabs, but the guy driving, one of those guys - he's - I know he's driving a cab on a Friday night, okay? No one wants to be doing that and he had one of those phone, you know, the little ear pieces that you put in.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So it looks like they're talking to themselves and he's there and he goes "Sorry, where are you going?" I go "Oh, Crouch End." he goes "Ah! Yeah!" I dunno. Chatting on his mobile phone the whole time, his voice was sounding like - he had the radio on as well.

ricky: Oh!

steve: And he wasn't concentrating on the road.

ricky: That annoys me.

steve: I thought, I am paying you £10 to take me somewhere. Please just stop chatting or arranging your social life for two

steve: Minutes. Get me to my destination safely, and then you can you can resume your conversation.

ricky: My favorite one is, uh... 'I'm going to so-and-so terrace, please.' 'where's that?' hmm, I'm gonna go: right. You're not taking me then.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't drive.

steve: Exactly

ricky: That's- I'm paying you; find out.

steve: That's why I'm paying you, that's gonna be part of the service.

ricky: But I mean, I know people have been minicabs who didn't know where they was, and didn't have an A-Z.

steve: No, I was in East London once I said to him 'I'm going to go to North London.' He went 'Where specifically?' I went 'uh, Swiss Cottage' he went 'sure, sure' I said, 'do you know the way?' he went 'yeahyeahyeah..', set off

steve: Along the way, he went: 'Do you know the way?'

steve: I said 'Ah I thought you knew' I said 'Have you not got an A-Z?' he went 'No' he was one of those guys who's just taken his car out, middle of the night.

ricky: Yeah

steve: All he had, all his credentials were he had a car; no map, no torch; the two other things I'd bring with me.

steve: And he said, we were driving along, he went 'Er, I could probably get you to Camden.' I was like '... okay.' He went-

ricky: It's a start. I mean, that is a start.

steve: Yeah, exactly. He went: 'Do you know the way to Camden?'

steve: I thought, pull over it's not worth it. I'd rather hitchhike. I'd rather walk. Ludicrous, those people who just go out.

ricky: Yeah, they just take a car out to earn a fiver.

steve: Yeah, 'Well I've bought a car.'

ricky: Awh. [to Karl] Have you ever done that?

karl: Nah ain't gonna lie, you know I'm sick of livin' 'ere.

steve: Hmm.

karl: And you were sayin' about people hasslin' you.

ricky: Do- when you say here, you mean the world don't you?

karl: No, just, just in London is doin' me head in now. The other the other week actually walking home from here and like you say, there's always someone asking you saying 'Do you wanna to buy this?, Do you want one of these?' Uh, goin' down Carnaby Street, right, fella-

ricky: There's your first mistake.

karl: He said: 'you in to meditation?' so I was like ahhh, and I had a bit of time to kill so I was like, I'll have a chat, right.

ricky: Have you got time- oh we've never got time, we're too busy.

steve: Yeah I thought you were too busy before.

karl: Well I said 'What's all that then, what what do you do?' and he said 'We teach you how to breathe' and I was like 'Well I'm thirty'.

steve: Yeah

karl: 'I think I've done all right,' and he sort of said 'oh forget it'

steve: 'Oh forget it!'

ricky: 'I'm thirty!'

karl: I mean, in Selfridges they do like Evian or whatever

karl: That water company are there and they've got like little glasses of water and you walk past and they go: 'Have you ever tried this?

karl: It's water!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You try it and go 'Jesus Christ! Is that what water is? What I've been drinking then?' 'You've been drinking piss and mud.' 'Have I? I'll have a bottle.'

karl: Anyway. Listen Rockbusters.

ricky: Oh.

karl: Let's get it done. um...

steve: Really?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Come on then.

karl: Right, so cryptic clues and initials, you work it out.

karl: It's a band and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right first one:

ricky: Bob Holness.

karl: Uh, the first clue, erm... The doctor said part of the foot and the leg was no good. So he took 'em off and he threw him away.

karl: Alright that's the clue, the initials TB, TB.

ricky: Okay.

karl: Alright, The doctor said part of the foot and the leg was no good. So 'e took them off and threw them away. Second one; the Scottish monster has got a bit of a tan, right, the Scottish monster has got a bit of a tan.

steve: ... okay.

karl: That's that's TD. Alright? And, uh the last one, uh... Well, the uh, the 60s singer had a heart attack whilst he was having it away. We won't be seeing him again.

kark: Alright? And that is FNM, FNM. Well the 60s singer's had a heart attack. He was having it away. We won't be seeing him again. Email in, ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk.

ricky: Remember this is to save Rockbusters. If people don't get this, right? It's no more so

ricky: You better... if you want this feature to stay you better get the clues!

karl: All right?

steve: Good work karl, we'll give those clues again after the next tune... what 'we playing?

ricky: Evanescence?

steve: Oh you love it don't you?

ricky: Love it. Good. That's a good good stomping pop number one rock.

steve: Xfm

ricky: Jane's Addiction - Just Because I think things are get a rocking up!

steve: They are indeed

ricky: Rocking up, in the land this year Steve.

steve: Yes, that's good news. I think

ricky: Evanescence then The Darkness Rock-tastic Xfm. 104.9 Ricky Gervais. Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington, of a Saturday

steve: Can I just say that the shaving your arse feature from earlier if you miss that was half-past one. That was the discussion on saving your ass.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That was great stuff - that seems to have caught the public imagination we've had so many emails - we've had someone telling us exactly how to shave your arse.

ricky: Yep

steve: So if you need the information I can probably forward it to you.

ricky: Well, I think this will be the year of rock and arse

steve: Exactly, but say it's extraordinary how you know, just a simple discussion like that that you would think perhaps was crass, crude

ricky: Mind you our listeners do like Karl talking about monkeys

steve: Sure

ricky: Do you know what I mean

steve: Yeah

ricky: It's not like it's it's something to be proud of

steve: Mmm

ricky: It's not that we changed a nation or freed a people or found a cure for summat'. We hit them at their...

ricky: Their level with monkeys and arses - it's what our listeners love

steve: Yeah, monkeys and arses.

ricky: Yeah

steve: We should put that on a poster

ricky: And they go together because I am I joined the zoo last time you went down and became friends of the zoo, right

steve: Oh right, I thought maybe you ought to sit in a cage for uh.

ricky: No, no

steve: That thing happened when I went straight for the chimps

steve: Course

ricky: Right, and there's sort of like three, sort of, big, sort of, adult ones there and um, there's people with their kids and I can see the people just putting their kids away as one of them went up and started....

ricky: Putting his face up the other one's arse

steve: Sure

ricky: And it was sort of like I just can't be bothered to explain this to my children.

steve: Yeah exactly

ricky: (inaduble) come on, where's the lions, lets go look at the Lions.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What are they doing? just sniffing each other's arses.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yes.

steve: I remember when I used to go to the zoo there always felt there were certain animals. That weren't getting look-in really, that no one was particularly interested in

ricky: The tapire

steve: Exactly. We were going straight to the snakes. We were interested in. Birds. I don't remember being particularly interesting in birds.

ricky: Big, big cats. although it's a bit depressing uh, great apes.

ricky: Great apes... reptile. You're right reptiles. birds? uhh, unless it's a big one that you think could rip a dog apart

steve: Yeah, a vulture - a vulture or an eagle

ricky: You go "brilliant" yeah exactly owls are brilliant.

steve: Owls great, but but

ricky: I've always wanted a little owl on my desk and I be doing work and there'd be a little owl there and I go "can you give me that pencil" and it just sort of goes over gets me a pencil and go "cheers", and it just watches me that thinks I'm brilliant.

ricky: D'know what I mean?

steve: Not really no.

ricky: No?

steve: No, I never had the urge to have any kind of animals sat on my desk.

ricky: No Karl? you like a little owl wouldn't you that helped ya?

karl: I had a little Magpie didn't I? We've talked about that.

ricky: Oh, he came down and started peckin' your grifter didn't he?

karl: Yeah

steve: What was his name?

karl: Maggie

steve: Sure, inspired

ricky: Brilliant, and it you took it to school and it didn't come back once did it?

karl: Didn't come back, didn't come back, didn't see it again...

ricky: Oh dear... Did you ever peck, peck your head because used to have hair didn't you?

karl: Yeah

ricky: Yeah

karl: No it did. It started getting a bit violent

ricky: Really?

karl: Yeah

ricky: Prob... maybe it becoming, sort of, of age, it's probably sexual frustration. Sort of, you know, I think magpies go for shiny objects. Don't then? you're probably sort of

steve: Yeah

ricky: Probably...

ricky: Losing it a little bit then in the front, and so when the sun was out-

steve: There's bit of a sheen on the front

ricky: They saw a glare and thought 'i'll have that'.

steve: Yeah

ricky: 'What is that? That's brilliant.'

steve: Yeah, or as it was for pecking away at mistook it for a tree

ricky: Yeah 'cause the noise

steve: 'cause of the the noise, yeah, the hollow sound.

ricky: Oh, I squeezed his head, um, yesterday.

steve: We should just point out, if you're a new listener to XFM you might not realize but one of Ricky's many sexual peccadilloes - I'm assuming it's a sexual thing, I can't justify any other way - is to just squeeze Karl's head.

ricky: Yeah, I don't know what it is.

steve: ... frontwise, sidewise

ricky: I don't know what it is. I don't know if...

ricky: It's sexual or you know, like when you've got a little kitten and you can't - you awww- you want to squeeze his little face

ricky: D'you know what I mean? D'you know what I mean by that Karl?

karl: Yeah, yeah, I said that,

ricky: A little puppy or a kitten

karl: I said that before, squeeze their little 'ead.

ricky: Yeah, yeah exactly. and I feel like that with you because it's sort of like - it gives so much; look at Karl's face,

steve: Hmm

ricky: He gives so much- it's like he - it is like he can understand what we're saying.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And that's what the connection is I think between me and Karl and other animals.

steve: It's like he can understand what we're saying.

ricky: But I squeezed it yesterday and Karl went 'I definitely heard something crack.'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Because I'm trying to see how hard I can squeeze it.

steve: Yeah. I think that was you just thinking, Karl.

steve: To be fair. I think the cogs just started to... No, I mean, I think there is a danger, because I think there is a danger that you could you could squeeze it too much.

ricky: Yeah. I know. he did a good deed today the other day didn't ya?

ricky: Was- Yeah.

steve: What were you up to?

karl: Well, you were just uh.. you were talking about like, you know being hassled in the street and stuff; and I get hassled a lot by the homeless

steve: Ah, don't we all, don't we all?

karl: Urm..

ricky: 'Do you go home to sleep?' 'Nah I'm here mate.'

karl: But no, I do treat them a lot.

ricky: Treat 'em! I love that. 'You had a good day?' 'yeah.' 'you been good?' 'Yeah.' 'There you go. There's 50p'

karl: Suzanne does the, uh, save the children thing, you were talking about, you know charities hassling you all the time, she does that. Uh, and I sort of say well you do that. I'll, uh, I'll look after the-

steve: You'll take care of the homeless?

ricky: 'I'll take care of the odd tramp around where I live.'

steve: And how and how do you treat them?

karl: Loads of different ways, 50p I might give 'em.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Or I might, you know, they'll sort of say 'oh have you got any money?' and I'll say 'what for?' and they'll go 'I'm...

karl: Really thirsty.'

steve: Hm.

karl: So I'll go 'well hang on a minute' and I nip in and get them a little Diet Coke.

ricky: A Diet Coke!

steve: They want to watch their weight.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, they're going 'full fat? oh, what insult,

steve: Steve: yeah, yeah exactly

ricky: To a man like me.'

steve: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, I'd rather treat them than... because a lot of people spend, spend money on, you know problems abroad and stuff,

steve: Right.

karl: I just think y'know-

ricky: Oh god...

karl: Y'know I'm just saying

ricky: Oh, god... like what, what do you mean like, famine relief?

karl: Well you do get sick of it? Don't you? y'know what I mean, it's not-

steve: You get sick of-

ricky: Hang on, wait, wait, go on

karl: I know I'm just saying

ricky: I know just let- whatever you do now Steve don't interrupt because I'm scared but I just think it's worth it. There's so many issues here. There's freedom of speech.

karl: Yeah

ricky: There's we're not responsible.

steve: Yeah

ricky: There's he'll get away with it because he's a buffoon

steve: Yes

ricky: And it is entertaining.

steve: Exactly, so what is-

ricky: So go on Karl.

karl: So all I'm saying is, you're saying, you know, do I- who do I give me money to is it, is it, you know a little, you know, sick kids or whatever or is it...

karl: Old people or whatever,

ricky: HMV. That's who he gives his money to.

steve: Chiefly, they get a lot of it yeah.

karl: And for me, I just get sick of, uh, you know problems abroad. It's like what do you do? What do you do with famine and that what're you meant to do? How can you solve it? It's gone on for years.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it just keeps going we keep giving them money to keep spending it.

steve: And there's no- you're not getting any return for your cash?

karl: Well, it's just how many times you know, they've gotta learn.

steve: What do you mean they gotta learn? what you're gonna teach 'em a lesson?

ricky: What do you mean they've got to learn? What do you mean?

karl: Well what are they doing with it?

karl: Get - they must have, like, better interest accounts, or something where, you know, look after'd, that they put the money in the right thing.

ricky: Sorry, do you think that Bob Geldof sort of write them a check? He goes over and he's in the helicopter and there's there's millions of them and there's Geldof from Boomtown Rats.

steve: Brilliant, if there's one man that can help us.

ricky: I hope he doesn't sing, he's not going to sing, he's got some money for us, and he comes down and he goes there you are, to want to check or detects quick second. We don't take switch because there's a check, they they get things like-

karl: He's doing it again though, isn't he, as well? You know, I like, he used to work here, Bob. He's is lovely fellow-

ricky: Yeah, he's a lovely man.

karl: But how many times can save the world?

steve: Yeah?...

karl: He's over there again, helping out, and it's like well, you know, what do you do?

ricky: Are you saying don't bother because it keeps happening.

karl: No, well, I'm not saying that, you know what I mean, I'm not daft.

steve: But that's what you're thinking.

ricky: And Karl, you are daft.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

karl: I just, I don't know what the answer is, you know what I mean?

steve: So you're just saying, wash your hands of the whole affair, leave them to it.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Are you really, just saying it's sort of its nature, it's tough luck, just don't interfere, like a wildlife program. Is that what you're saying? Don't interfere?

steve: Are you basically saying it's not my concern?

karl: This has got a bit heavy, can we do cheeky freak of the week?

steve: Let's play a record.

ricky: (Laughing) Oh God -

steve: My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), from the album Rust Never Sleeps by Neil Young

ricky: Such a brilliant song.

steve: He's a great, great, musician.

ricky: He's amazing.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He's incredible. I think we'll play a Neil Young track a week.

steve: Okay

ricky: From now, until Christmas

steve: Brilliant. Okay.

ricky: All right?

steve: Excellent

ricky: On Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

steve: We were talking about the homeless; I saw a homeless guy in the week as I was walking in Finchley Road, and he was peering in the window of one of, the, Dixon's, or something like that. Just checking out the details on one of those cable TV packages. And I thought, one step at a time, I mean, firstly, I don't know, start eating your dinner off a plate.

ricky: Yeah

steve: And then work your way up to you know, a house, a home, a wide-screen TV.

ricky: A roof.

steve: Digital Television, but it's odd-

ricky: Well, that, that might answer one of my questions, because I keep getting recognized by homeless people. and I never know what to say. I go "Oh..." either they, they're not really homeless, I don't know, they've got sort of digs or something and they watch television, or the scariest one, is that, they, they've become homeless in the last few months-

steve: Sure

ricky: I think, "Oh God, that's really scary", or they are watching it in Dixon's, they're cueing up, "oh, the office is on tonight."

steve: Yeah

ricky: "What are you doing? "Oh, going round to Dixon's".

steve: Or they think you're one of them, because I mean, the way you dress...

ricky: Well, I have had, some that are probably in the not quite, yeah, got their faculties, and maybe a little bit worse for wear, um, think they recognize me, and they have whole scenarios where they're going, "Remember when we were chatting." I was going, "Yeah, Yeah, how are you?" and it's just they recognize someone-

steve: Right, Yeah

ricky: But, that's- that's a bit weird. But I mean, I think that's the worst thing, homeless. On a serious note, it is, outside Health, where we're talking about -

ricky: ...Charity, and I sort of got these standing orders where I've been sort-of caught in the street, but the ones that I choose, I'd always think... Charity is what touches you. You can't change the world, but you can change your bit. So cancer obviously because my mum so give to cancer. And I think outside Health the next one must be being homeless because there's nothing you can do. It's got everything. It's... you're scared, it's cold. It's just everything even if you're healthy and homeless eventually you're not going to be.

steve: Well I just - I do feel bad because you know, I -

steve: I always feel that I want to give to the, the health Charities. Cancer for instance. Because there's that fear that I might get it.

ricky: Wh- yeah, it's not just that it's just like yeah, if you're not health... that's the first thing, isn't it? If your life - if your life's being threatened there's nothing else you can really worry about.

steve: Yeah, yeah yeah.

ricky: But uhh...

steve: Don't know if that makes it wrong though, that I'm sort of it's like I'm investing in a possible future.

ricky: Yeah. Well, not really because it's the same for everyone isn't it? But umm, you know, oh...

steve: I saw a homeless guy as well umm looking through the bins, but he wasn't putting out food scraps he was pulling up newspapers. Just having a read.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I was always find that odd. I see that a lot - homeless guys. I don't know if they're just check it out the TV listings, for when he finally gets his...

ricky: When's The Office on?

steve: Thing.

ricky: Yeah. The Office. They've moved it. I've moved it to Choice and UK Gold.

steve: I don't - I mean I don't blame them because I mean there is some cracking stuff on cable TV, err, there's great stuff. I was flicking through the other day and on digital TV, you can see what other shows are on while you're watching something. I was looking through and there was one, and it was called know.

steve: Now, when are you ever in the mood to watch a TV show called "I survived a 200 pound tumor"?

karl: When was that on?

steve: Because it seems to me that you've got a 200 pound tumor you'll probably want to watch something else that'll take your mind off it Big Brother or whatever...

ricky: I'm not 200 pounds!

steve: Well, I do I can't imagine what this is.

ricky: A 200-pound tumor?

steve: It must have been an error - 200 pound tumor?

ricky: It must have been a 200 pound tuna. It was probably someone fell in the water and it came at him.

steve: (laughing) Yeah, I survived a 200 pound tuna.

ricky: Yeah, and it was just a spelling mistake.

steve: Sure...

ricky: A 200-pound tumor!

steve: That's like... isn't that like kind of having Mr. T attached to you?

ricky: That's a person!

ricky: Oh my God, maybe, It was... all his life they told him it was a Siamese twin but someone had just paint a little face on it when he was at school.

steve: Just drawn a little face on.

ricky: Exactly. And they go "it's not your twin brother" he goes, "isn't it?" - "no it's a tumor, we better take off". It's 200 pounds.

steve: 200 pounds!

ricky: That can't be right. Sure it wasn't 20 pounds?

steve: I'm assuming that's what it would be probably would have been. But it was certainly 200 pounds on the digital thing. Maybe that's a mistake.

ricky: That's great, isn't it?

ricky: They're trying to make it more interesting.

steve: Yes.

ricky: It's someone like Karl working there. "20 pound tumor? Let's make it 200, at least they'll watch"

steve: Yeah exactly.

karl: That's what I'd be like though, I wouldn't want to go to the doctors? You know what I'm like.

ricky: A 200 pound tumor?

karl: I know... it's just that thing. I mean, you know how I'm like, I don't like - it depends where it is as well, taking your clothes off and all that. It's the pressure isn't it?

ricky: You know like anything being touched do you?

karl: I just don't like doctors...

ricky: I remember when he said he doesn't check his balls because he doesn't like the feel. That's lived with me.

ricky: He doesn't like the feel. I think do you mean that you don't like what it feels like in your balls when you're fiddling with them? Cos I imagined it that you meant you don't like the feel i.e. in your fingertips. You don't like the feel of your balls.

karl: It's the thing of you start thinking about what you're actually touching and there's something in there and you might break 'em and all that. I don't like

ricky: And they are delicate. I am scared with the little knobbly bits.

karl: What knobbly bits?!

karl: But I'll tell you what it's that thought at the

karl: At the uh, at the doctors. It's that thing of it's not taking your clothes off in front of him. All right, it's the way you've got to take your clothes off. But he asks you to go behind that curtain to do it first. So there's more pressure because then you come walking out with nothing on.

karl: It's like why did you ask me to go behind there

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Rather than if I just sat there having a chat and he's going so "How have you been? and it's like "Alright" just takin' the pants off and then it's the pressure of

ricky: Yeah. Exactly. What if he's like "don't take your clothes off" and you came out and he'd lit a candle

steve: The lights went down

ricky: And there was some soft music on "doo-doo-doo doo-doo doo-dah". Mmm nice. "doo doo doo".

steve: Or He said if you'll make you feel more relaxed, I'll take my clothes off.

ricky: Yeah, exactly, yeah

steve: But I'll do it in the form of a striptease

ricky: Now, now Karl, I'm gonna ask you the question (knowing the answer!). What do you think of um, maybe a gay doctor just checking your testicles out? He's a professional, just happens to be gay

karl: That would never happen would it.

ricky: What are you talking about? Why not?

karl: Oh! Speaking of

ricky: Doctors?

karl: No, gay people n'that. Do you know when we discussed

karl: Uh, gay only toilets.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Mmm-hmm

karl: It's only, uh, it looks like it's coming into action.

ricky: No it doesn't

steve: Right

ricky: No way.

karl: It was mentioned again.

ricky: Where?

karl: On

ricky: Your head.

karl: No, I think

steve: Do you think that people in positions of power are listening to the show getting ideas from you.

ricky: Tony Blair.

karl: Makes you wonder doesn't it?

karl: No it really does. And the funny thing is why are they getting upset?

karl: Why are gay people getting upset that they might have to their own toilets

steve: Karl you don't know what you're talking about anymore

ricky: You don't know what you're talking about

karl: Having a sly look.

steve: You don't know what you're talking about. Okay, can we have cheeky freak after this?

karl: If you want

ricky: Placebo - This picture on Xfm 104.9. Steve you're thinking of taking over as producer aren't you?

steve: Well, I just think it's a shambles. I've asked for cheeky freak of the week and it appears that Karl's not ready. He's not prepared.

karl: No, I can sort of remember it. It's just that I like to have all the information

ricky: Contempt, contempt for the listener

steve: But you've just had a whole bunch of adverts and Placebo in order to get ready

karl: I know but we were chatting, we're having a chat n'that

steve: Right well do you wanna to sort yourself out future?

ricky: Yeah. Someone emailed, that's what we're chatting about. Someone emailed in about they watched the 200-pound tumor thing and when it was removed, it was carried away in a wheelbarrow. All right? Karl said "What even when she had it removed she still carried it around in a wheelbarrow" and he went "I thought it sort of like she's sort of like

ricky: Become attached to it."

ricky: I think, I mean you are you definitely are my favorite thing in the world. It's great. Look at the way he's looking back!

steve: I think they're all the same, the people. I mean, I've had more emails about people saying "I watched the 200-pound tumor documentary"

ricky: And I shaved my arse

steve: Than anything else!

ricky: We come up with science concepts, we talk about political issues

steve: One person emailed in, they said "I tuned in to the 200-pound tumor documentary. It looked disgusting. I couldn't watch for long." What were you expecting?!

ricky: Yeah

steve: That it might sing and dance?

steve: Put on a show for ya!

ricky: Ahhhh

steve: Anyway, so whats the s..

ricky: These are really your listeners, Karl, now. I think we've.. d'you know what I mean? You sort of find your niche, you attract your.. I think me and Steve are pretty much just here.

steve: I think the people that we had in the early days, they've long since abandoned us, they jumped ship. I really..

ricky: They've got jobs. They've got jobs. They're out now. They've been released. They're getting their life back together.

steve: Um, Karl..

ricky: Come on then, Karl.

steve: What's the situation with Cheeky Freaks?

karl: I've got like a couple of bits. Like I say, I'm haven't got the in-depth

karl: Stuff that I normally..

ricky: Oh no, because usually it's, you know, it's pretty scientific.

steve: Heavily researched.

ricky: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah do the jingle we gotta come up with a new one, haven't we?

steve: The freak. C'est chic.

ricky: Cheeky freak of the week.

karl: Right, well, couple of bits. I don't know which one to use as the main feature for this week.

ricky: It's that good, is it?

karl: Well there's been another one born.

ricky: What?

karl: A little kid.

ricky: New one.

karl: Four Eyes.

steve: Insult.

steve: Just a guy who wears glasses, come on.

karl: Four eyes. Two noses. Two mouths. That's weird. innit?

ricky: This bloke. Did he also have two heads? Two bodies? Sort of born sort of slightly separately?

steve: He wasn't stood next to a mirror?

karl: No, weird that, innit?

steve: That's all you've got.

ricky: It's like, I love that. "That's weird, that?" Imagine if the doctor said that.

ricky: (impersonating a doctor) Well, um, Mrs. Parks. Um, kid's got four eyes and two noses, weird innit? Any clues?

ricky: Any clues?

steve: So that's it. That's all the information..

ricky: That's it. That's one. Well I tell you what, that should be the main one. Ok..

karl: No no no! But again, no but, but like I say, what's the idea of this feature? What do I say all the time?

ricky: Dunno.

karl: I always say "Think about it, think about what would that be like?"

steve: Okay

ricky: What? Giving birth to him, it, her?

karl: No no no! I think it's a girl. Being like her. Two mouths.

karl: Four eyes, what would that be like?

karl: Mad, innit?

steve: I don't know.. I don't know what this feature is.

ricky: I don't.. nor do I. Is there another one? Is that.. you said you had two?

steve: I mean I hope everyone took the opportunity there, during that silence, just to think about what it would be like, I know I was.

karl: Could she talk with her mouth full?

steve: What?

karl: Is that allowed?

steve: 'cause she's got two mouths?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Would that be alright in her house?

steve: She'd be eating..

ricky: Yeah, she could talk with one mouth and eat with the other.

karl: Right well listen, the main one, right? You've thought about that, that's good. The main Cheeky Freak of the Week. I'm haven't got all the details. Smallest person ever.

karl: Right? How big would you say

karl: That is?

ricky: Karl is now, sort of, like, holding his hands up like a fisherman long ways. That's about 1 foot.

karl: Right. Smallest, smallest man in the world. I printed the thing off and I can't find. There's a little picture of him, right? The odd thing was

ricky: But why have you asked me? How, did it say? Or was it a picture of him?

karl: I didn't really read it.

ricky: Of for f-

steve: Course you didn't.

ricky: Jeez.

karl: I just saw it and thought, oh..

ricky: Right and you just straight away assumed it was natural size.

karl: It was that big.

ricky: But what do you mean it was that big? Little fella, like that.

ricky: But why are you doing that what it was a page with a little fella out, you know, that was natural size?

karl: No, it was because it said it's world's smallest man. And the funny thing is I've member. I've read the first line. I always read the first line. It said...

ricky: Well done. Well done.

karl: The weird thing is you've got a head like a light bulb.

karl: The shape of it apparently, I don't know if that's got anything to do with his shape and size

ricky: Oh God

karl: That that big

ricky: His name is mr. Watts

karl: And the annoying thing is, what got me is, if you're that big, yeah.

karl: Don't have your picture taken next to a fruit bowl.

steve: Why was having his photo taken next to a fruitbowl?

karl: Sunno! whoever the photographer was, obviously having a bit of a laugh.

steve: Yeah

karl: At his expense - because you would just stand in the middle of nowhere. You look normal and that, way was it was stood there just leaning on an apple.

steve: Leaning on an Apple?!

ricky: Why is this? in what world is this? Leaning on a... if I show their advertising? No, no, it was it was.

ricky: Leaning on a...! could you ah, sorry could you just...lean on the apple. just lean on the apple there, could you do me a favor and stand next to my chihuahua?

worlds smallest man: "you're not taking the piss are ya?"

ricky: No, not at all. Could you... do you mind leaning on this match box?

steve: Yeah

ricky: Leaning on an apple. and that's where it's at... So it just said is the world's smallest man, leaning on an apple?

karl: Smallest man, said about his had been like a light bulb? I don't know what that meant. And I thought "right that that'll do, that's that sorted. cheeky freak of the week done". I think that was on, like, Monday. right. I found that I thought "that's done" printed it off forgot to get it off the...

karl: Photocopier... someone's nicked it

ricky: Play a record!

steve: You've got to

ricky: It's just you... steve

steve: No can I just say... karl please...

ricky: No point, there's no point.

steve: If I say "let's actually cheeky freak the week" and you haven't done your research. You haven't got the information just tell us you can't do it but don't lead us on

ricky: Don't say on radio and hold your hand up to me and go 'ow tall is that!

steve: It's nothing!

ricky: It's radio!

steve: It's nothing!

ricky: I uh, think he's that big because he was leaning on an Apple.

steve: It's not enough information!

ricky: Imagine Trevor McDonald coming are going... some news... some stuff. Uhh, how big's that?

ricky: How big d'youthink that is because,

steve: Yeah

ricky: 'cos there was a fella. Yeah coming up after Chris, more, Chris Tarrant. Play a record!

steve: I just.... I'm angry. I'm actually angry. If monkey news is anyway in any way similar... You've really pulled your finger out with that have you. Lets have Rockbusters answers next.

ricky: Supersonic Oasis on Xfm 104.9 right getting through it. It's the rock Busters. It's Rockbusters results really because this is umm.. and they're very important result is whether uhh, they, uuhh, stay in the Premiership or are relegated. This is the playoffs for Carl. Okay, you need three points. You need three points.

ricky: Stay up Karl. Go on.

karl: Right, the, uh, there's a lot of right answers and that.

ricky: Okay, that's, that's, that's in your favor. You know. Okay.

karl: The first clue was the doctor said part of the foot and the leg was no good. So you took them off, threw 'em away.

ricky: Yeah

karl: The initials TB.

ricky: Yeah

karl: Right?

ricky: Go on.

karl: Toe, knee, bin it. All right, that's Tony Bennett. Tony Bennett.

steve: Toe, knee, bin it.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Okay, that's a warning, that's a yellow card. That is as a yellow card, but you can still get the points.

karl: Uhhh..

ricky: Because his name's not "Bin it".

ricky: Tony (Toe Knee), brilliant. Tony, perfect. A pun. Toe. Knee. His name's Tony. Perfect. "Bin it"? No his name's Bennett. See?

karl: Well, he's at, he's, he's in London this week as well. So I don't know if it's sold out, I wouldn't mind..

ricky: Are you on drugs or, have you, did I actually crack your head? Did I actually give you some brain damage 'cause you're worse than usual now. It's like, go on.

karl: Right, the second one. Uhh...

karl: That Scottish fella.

ricky: We've gotta speed this show up.

karl: Well hang on a minute, hang on, I've just gotta make sure it's right. We don't want to look stupid.

karl: That Scottish monster has got a bit of a tan.

ricky: I don't think we can look stupid with this material like this.

karl: Right? T. T. D. That Scottish monster's got a bit of a tan, the answer there, the Dark Ness (Darkness).

ricky: I'll give you that.

karl: All right?

ricky: Well done, goal.

karl: And the last one.

ricky: Goal.

karl: The '60s singer, he had a heart attack the other way, whilst having it away. We won't be seeing him again, the initials FNM. That's Faith No More.

karl: Adam Faith, right?

ricky: (screaming) No!!! Doesn't count!

karl: Why not?

karl: Adam Faith No More.

ricky: Adam Faith No More? So, sorry, what is the clue? Is the clue "Adam Faith" or is it "Faith No More"?

karl: Well it's faith I 'spose. Just "Faith No More". '60s singer.. So we got that. That's that. That's safe for next week. What, who's the winner?

steve: What do you make of it? You've got the deciding vote, Rick. I mean you know my thoughts about it.

ricky: Well, I mean it works, but he's mixed-up what cryptic is in that 'cause it sta.. They fella, I mean Adam Faith, did actually die havin' it away, didn't he?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: So it's all about about him.

karl: It's all right, all the facts are right.

steve: Anyway.

ricky: Okay, I think he's got a reprieve. I think I'll give it to him. I think I've got to give it to him, Steve. I think I have. He actually pulled that out of the bag that one.

ricky: There's no, there's no Jamaican fellas seein' icebergs or, you know, Wet Knee Houston. The closest he came to is Bennett Bin It, and I've gotta, give him, let him off that, I've gotta be a fair ref here.

steve: Alright, well, fair enough and well done to, you know, I'm always a fan of names that for some reason just strike me or tickle me.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And this week the lucky winner is Dave Suckling.

steve: I, there's nothing, there's nothing amusing about that.

ricky: Oh, dear.

steve: To one Dave suckling.

ricky: Okay, so well Suckling wins it. Suckling takes the prizes.

steve: He takes the prizes and well done to him. I guess there's more of that next week and we're fast approaching the end of the show Rick. I know you are excited about that, as am I.

ricky: Well I know but the best to come because we've still got Bruce Springsteen coming up now followed by Monkey News.

steve: Alright, Monkey News..

ricky: Is amazing. What an amazing show this is.

ricky: (screaming) Ohh!! Chimpanzee-

ricky: That. Monkey News.

steve: Excellent. So Monkey News time. On Xfm, Karl Pilkington, the man in the hot seat. Karl, what have you got for us?

karl: Okay Monkey News this week. We've covered a lot of stuff.

steve: We have indeed.

karl: Now d'you know, like, there's places where you can go for like weekend rests and stuff and you can, you relax, you're sitting in a little spa, you have a swim, and stuff. Well, they've got a place done for monkeys.

steve: Course they have

karl: Right. They can go there. They relax, forget all the stuff they've got going on their head. They can have a manicure. Nice meals.

ricky: It's not called a manicure though. It's called a chimpicure.

karl: Beauty

karl: Treatments..

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right. Look good and stuff.

steve: Yeah, well loo, feel good. Yeah.

karl: Now, you might think "Well that's pretty normal"

steve: Well.

karl: The bit I haven't told you about is it's actually run by a couple of chimps.

ricky: Oh god, oh god, oh Karl, you're a maniac!

steve: Right, quiet!

ricky: Oh for christs..

steve: Let's just

ricky: (barely able to talk) Run by a couple of chimps... Of course it's not..

karl: No no no, it is. Think about it.

ricky: No, not think about it.

ricky: What do you mean, yes it is? Of course it's not run by a couple of chimps. What'd they do, get a loan?

karl: Right, if a chimp wants to have a rest.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Where would you go to, a place that's run by humans, they don't know what chimps' needs are.

ricky: No! My points is this, how did they get it together? How did two, what, two chimps, what? Mr. and Mrs. Chimp went for a loan and said "Oh, I'll tell you what we need, a spa."

karl: I think it started off quite simple. Right? Just, you know, basic, basic stuff.

steve: But they expanded over time because it's become so popular.

karl: It's gone mental down there.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Karl, I don't know..

karl: They've all heard about it. Now the thing is, the problem is this, right? That isn't even the top and

karl: Bottom of it, right?

ricky: Christ. I don't..

karl: The problem is, it's been going on and on and on, right? It's been it's been earning a lot of money and stuff. The monkeys are happy. The monkeys that go there are loving it. They're telling friends and stuff. They're all coming to it. Now. The problem is, it's this little, little monkey, little man monkey and little woman monkey, right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: It was sort of girlfriend and boyfriend.

steve: "Sort of"? It's an open relationship. They can play around if they want.

karl: Well the problem is they're not married, right?

steve: Trouble Brewing

karl: The lad monkey.

karl: Fella monkey. He's getting quite old, and the problem is, because it's his name that's down on all the..

ricky: Karl, I don't..

steve: Let him finish!

ricky: I'm getting scared now.

steve: Let him finish.

karl: It's his name on the business and the problem is

karl: His missus is kind of like "Euf. What's gonna happen?"

steve: Sure.

ricky: What are you, where are you getting this from? What are?

karl: Internet.

ricky: Karl, I don't know where to start.

steve: Can we just hear the end?

ricky: This is ridiculous.

karl: So the problem is

karl: The, the, the..

steve: Female monkey's worried that the male monkey is gonna die and

karl: She's worried, what can happen, what's gonna happen with the business. What's going to happen?

steve: Course

karl: Right? Now.

ricky: (yelling) What do you mean the business?

karl: The health spa.

ricky: There isn't a business. It's a joke.

karl: Health spa...

steve: Rick, you're not listening. His name's on the form.

steve: The male monkey's name, it's in his name.

karl: Now the problem is the woman monkey has got some kids, but because they're not blood relatives, it's not going to be handed down to them and the courts..

steve: They're kids from a previous monkey marriage.

karl: Yeah

steve: Right

karl: They're not going to get it.

karl: Just check this out.

ricky: Yeah, otherwise, you wanna check the facts. Otherwise, (putting on a silly voice) you could look like a twat. Spouting shit on the radio. Please check the facts for scientific.

karl: They're just a bit worried because they're saying that the people in Ohio, which is where the where they've got the little health thing going on.

ricky: So it makes it more believable that it's Ohio. I thought you meant it was Berkshire in which case it would be rubbish.

karl: It looks like the

karl: Local people try to get in there. They've seen the success of it.

steve: Sure.

karl: And they're trying to go in take it over and stuff. So...

steve: Yeah, give me the piece of paper.

ricky: Throw it away.

ricky: Play a record. That's the worst. That's the worst one I've ever heard and you are. There's something wrong with you. You're educationally subnormal.

steve: Final tune from us. Tim Buckley. Lovely song called "Wings". Back next week?

ricky: Yep.

steve: Yep. See you Karl.

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