XFM Vault - S02E45 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Oh, proper rock band, best band since Thin Lizzy; The Darkness.

steve: Oh, big words.

ricky: Growing On Me. XFM, 104.9.

steve: That's a bit rash, I think.

ricky: Aa- uh, R. Gervais, S. Merchant, K. Pilkington. With a little bit of- ah, I know your- I know for a fact, uh, that Steve is getting a little bit sick of Karl's attitude.

steve: Oh, his attitude's appalling!

ricky: I quite like it though because it-

ricky: Straightaway friction and he's sort of like, you know.

steve: To be fair, I genuinely don't think I'm the culprit in this. I think I come in and I just ask him a simple request.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And immediately on my back. Whinging, moaning, whining. Ah- I do- I mean, I don't know if there's any evidence... to sort of...

ricky: Well it's funny you should say that actually, because uhh...

steve: Support any of my complaints.

ricky: In a survey. Yeah, it came up this, this week. It's, uh, quite extensive. Um, Mancunians take more six day- sick days than anyone else. Mancunians take more sick days than workers in any other city in Britain and Ireland.

ricky: According to Manchester-based employment firm. Survey, uhhh, by Peninsula found, uh, employees in Manchester take 11 six day- d- sick days per year, whereas closest rivals Edinburgh and Dublin, um, take an average of nine. Liverpool, Newcastle, Birmingham, Cardiff, only eight.

steve: Is Reading mentioned there, or Bristol?

ricky: No, it's not even in th-, it's not even in there.

steve: Sure.

ricky: They don't take, days off. Umm, London is only- only seven. So- so the point is, I mean, d- I don't think you can take anything from it, but, if you're an employer and you had a Mancunian and a Liverpudlian and they were equal on everything else.

ricky: But you really couldn't afford them to be away, Liverpudlian's gonna probably be away for, eight days.

steve: Sure.

karl: Mm.

ricky: The Manc's gonna be away for eleven, phoning in sick and i-

steve: So what can you, I mean, just-

ricky: Well it's, the point is it's-

steve: Analysing the data there, how can- what would you extrapolate from that?

ricky: Um, I d- I, I really don't know. I mean, call in if you've got any clues, or email us in if you've got any... I don't know why they- I- I think maybe... I dunno. Mancunians, just...

steve: I mean I don't really know many people from Manchester.

ricky: Well I only know one, but I know he was off sick because he put on wet trousers and he got a-

steve: He got a cold, I think.

ricky: Yeah, well he just said he was...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Didn't come in for...

ricky: Um, he left early as well once.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Um, but, uhh, but I don't know. B- that's the survey, I dunno. I mean it's evidence because it's statistics so... there you go.

steve: It's guaranteed evidence, that that's actually proof.

ricky: So, any... any thoughts on that: ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk.

steve: Ma- I mean you're from, oddly enough you're from Manchester, Karl-

karl: Yeah I am, yeah yeah yeah, that's funny yeah.

steve: What are your thoughts on, on that.

karl: On what, sorry?

steve: Dyoo! On the survey!

karl: Ahh, wasn't really listening.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Wh- Manc-Mancunians take off more sick days. They call in sick,

ricky: I mean purs- presumably spuriously.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I mean, 'cause it's, it's d- they've got the same body, they're...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: ...biologically the same, so, or-or

steve: So they're obviously making it up, they're lying, they're whinging.

ricky: Yeah, some of- some of the days, maybe they're just the- the three extra they're making up.

steve: Yeah, they're moaning.

ricky: Um...

karl: Probably 'cause we work a lot harder than the others, so we're tired, so you're sick, so you need time off. Probably, probably.

ricky: Well...

steve: Seems unlikely.

karl: I mean the Scousers, to be honest, yeah, take 'em on, let 'em work in your office. But, you know, how many computers are gonna go missing?

ricky: Right, that...

steve: So offensive.

ricky: Is offensive-

karl: Right.

ricky: This is a- this is a- no! This is a survey that proved, you just made that up. You just carried on the myth that Liverpudlians

ricky: Thieve.

karl: Mm.

ricky: Now that- that is just, that's not true. That is not true.

karl: Well.

ricky: Well it's not!

steve: Well, some of 'em do.

ricky: There's- there's been no survey that you're more likely to thieve if you're from Liverpool than if you're from Manchester, so that- that hasn't been proven yet.

karl: Mm. Mm.

ricky: So all- all I've got is the evidence, from a survey, of I think three and a half thousand people.

karl: Well.

ricky: It's proof that people f- Mancunians take off more sick days. XFM 104.9, this is April Come She Will by Simon & Garfunkel.

ricky: Simon & Garfunkel, April Come She Will. A lovely, lovely love song there. Uhh, The X-List was all about, sort of like, sexy songs, cause of, uh, death of- uh, Barry White of course. And uh, Karl and Steve having a little argument, Steve saying there are- are such thing as sexy songs of course. Karl says "I can't understand it."

steve: No.

ricky: "I can't understand it, how can summat be sexy? How can you woo a woman with a song?" Steve went, "Well, you don't woo 'em with it, you just put it on in the background." Karl said, "Stick the telly on."

steve: "Stick the telly on."

ricky: I love that.

steve: You don't believe there's any such thing as a sexy song, is that right?

karl: I- I- I don't think it can get you in the mood, d'you know what I mean?

steve: Right.

karl: You- You're either in with a chance or you're not, I don't think it matters what- what song you put on.

ricky: Well- I d- I don't think it ups your chances. I don't think if you take-

karl: No it does, it does. If you- if you put Channel 5 on on a Friday night, right? See a little bit of that action, gets anyone going.

karl: It's worked for me, and that's all- and that's what I'm saying.

ricky: What's on? Whe- 'When Pets Go Mad'?

karl: No no no, you know like, uhh-

ricky: What?

karl: I don't know the titles of them,

karl: I don't look at the titles, but-

steve: What, that show with Chris Moyles?

karl: Eh.

steve: Do you mean the kind of, erotic thrillers that they have on?

karl: Yeah yeah, put- put one of them on, that's, that gets you going a bit.

ricky: Wha- wha does, what does she-

karl: I might be tired, and that, but...

ricky: What d-, what d-, wh- wha-, does the- w- is-, What does the woman go, go "Oh, that's an idea. 'ey that's an idea!"

steve: But don't- normally they're, they're normally called something like 'Illegal Briefs'...

steve: And they're normally about, you know, they're normally about some kind of, uh, female solicitor who's defending a guy who may or may not be a li- uhh, a killer.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But maybe in a former life they were lovers, it's always some nonsense like that. And presumably, there's normally

steve: Some gruesome murders, so how's that getting you in the mood?

ricky: It's plot development.

steve: Yeah, it's the narrative, oh, I love narrative.

ricky: Yeah. "I'll tell you what, that's a lovely twist, I've got the 'orn."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Brilliant. So, uh, if you're from Manchester, sorry about that. I mean, it is true, we aren't- weren't making that up, we weren't doing a st- a stupid stereotype like Karl did with Liverpudlians it's, it's just a survey that, Mancunians take off more sick days. And uh- eh- but that might be genuine, they might be sort of an iller- iller people, or... it might just be people who are in- in Manchester go "Oh, I can't be bothered to go to

ricky: Work it's rubbish. Whereas if you're in London you go "Oh, I can't wait to go to work-

steve: Exactly... yeah.

ricky: "What a lovely, what a lovely place this is and-"

steve: There's some great jobs down here.

ricky: Great jobs down here.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Ummmm-

steve: Uh, Rick, I know you're always looking, uh, just to- keep you- kept abreast of, you know, new developments-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -of music, what's happening.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don't know if you got any plans this evening, but you might want to pop along to The Hope & Anchor in Islington.

ricky: Why?

steve: Where, uhh, playing tonight, umm, 'Restless Diesel'.

ricky: "Please welcome to the stage..."

steve: 'Restless Diesel'. I mean we've talked about it before, band names where you just have to imagine, you're supporting U2-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Wembley Stadium, it can never happen!

steve: Please welcome to the stage 'Restless diesel'.

ricky: And he comes on and after the first song he goes, uh, "Thanks, cuz, great band before us, Restless Diesel, you'll hear a lot more of them."

steve: Exactly. So uh...

ricky: Yeah. It- it won't happen, will it?

steve: Sure they're a great band, I think they should change their name.

ricky: What's the tax on that? Fiver, then, is it?

steve: It's not, uhh, not telling us actually, but uh yeah, d- pop down to the Hope & Anchor, maybe tell us, uh, how Restless Diesel were tonight.

ricky: Yeah, just uh, call in maybe, uhh, call in on, uh, Christian's show, Monday, just tell us how Restless Diesel were. We can make that a regular feature. Uhhhh-

steve: Now what's coming up on today's show, what've we got?

ricky: Well listen, we've got all the usual favourites. We got, uh- and some new ones, we got Monkey News. That's sorted. Karl told me-

steve: People are guaranteed Monkey News.

ricky: He called in, he said "I've got some Monkey News."

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: He's done that, I had to make sure, yeah we've got that. We've got, um, some great tunes. I've got a great song from Tupac, some Cat Stevens, some Jimmy Webb, some Thin Lizzy.

steve: Can I surprise you with something from Aerosmith.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: A little treat from Evan Dando coming up.

ricky: We- we're quite rocky today, aren't we? Uhh, there's, there's a threat there won't be Rockbusters.

steve: Good.

ricky: Uhh-

steve: That's no threat.

ricky: But um,

steve: Great news.

ricky: We can bring back Educating Ricky.

ricky: I mean 'cos it's sorta like seasonal, isn't it? our show. You don't know what, it's not like Ant and Dec's takeaway is on all through the year. They go away for a few weeks and we get summat else like Ian Wrights, you know, friends like these or summat you know. And so maybe Rockbusters maybe not.

steve: Rockbusters is on Hiatus but educating Ricky always - if you've not heard that before

ricky: I'll tell you what Jane's Addiction just because they rock as well don't they? XFM 104.9.

steve: Ohhh Excellent.

ricky: Jane's Addiction just because on Xfm 104.9 broadcasting from London where people prefer to only be off sick. When they actually are ill, you know?

steve: I don't have ever taken a day off sick except well, I that terrible, terrible, terrible tonsillitis.

karl: Is that when you went home, stayed with your mom and dad?

steve: Why's that a problem? Nursed back to health - got a loving family so sue me.

ricky: I love it the antagonism and piss taking its just like ahh god three blokes in a pub - there's people listening

steve: Are there? Umm Karl what do you make of London because you often say you'd much rather be up north

ricky: Well he wouldn't or he'd go

steve: Well this is what I - he constantly says

ricky: You've chosen to live here, you've lived here for years, you got a flat here

karl: No, I chose to come here because I was offered a job that was good money

ricky: Yeah

karl: I wouldn't have come here if there was no job

ricky: So you prefer to be somewhere where there's a good job

karl: I don't like being here though

ricky: Well no but you can leave

karl: To what?

ricky: Well EXACTLY so you've chosen to stay somewhere that's better for you

karl: It's not better for me, its making me ill. I'm not sleeping

ricky: Well you say you're ill, you call in ill but I don't think you are

steve: Are there any stats to prove that?

ricky: Well yeah because of the 11 days he calls in sick, I reckon probably 7 of them are genuine

karl: Ahh i'd love it if I dropped down dead tonight - honestly i'd love it

steve: If you dropped down dead tonight, you'd love it?

karl: Yeah

steve: Why aren't you sleeping?

ricky: What you're feeling ill now are ya? That's funny you weren't feeling ill earlier but you read that and you're suddenly ill

karl: I'm run down

steve: Well you should take a holiday. Oh yeah you've just had about eight in the last six months

ricky: HAHAHA ohh god

steve: Why are you run down?

ricky: Yeah what have you done, you sit in a little air conditioned office

karl: I haven't got time to tell ya, let's move on, let's get on with stuff what have we got anyway cos we uhh we didn't have a chance to meet up this week - me and Ricky could've done but you said you were busy Steve soo that's probably why you don't get run down finishing work at about 4 o'clock

steve: No no I could have had the meeting but uh we gave you a time and you suddenly decided with very little notice that you couldn't make it so uh

karl: Meetings an that - so what've we got then what've we got its 20 past one what've we got we're on til three

ricky: Well we've been talking we've been doin well, we've been playing some great rock n' roll we've been playing some lovely songs we've told em, we've explained the survey just for employees be careful we've put that out there we've put a shout out there

steve: I mean would you say it was probably safest if you are an employer to never employ mancunians?

ricky: Well I wouldn't go that far because you see thats only an average so I imagine some Mancunians like you know Londoners you know are nice, reliable people it's probably only a few bad eggs that throw the stats up a little bit, you know people that would go "I'm not coming in today I put up some wet trousers" "oh alright, stay in bed stay in bed, you still got em on?" "yeah" "well pop em off, put em on the radiator and go to bed"

ricky: There with a little duvet, that'd be the best thing to do.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: So uh, all right, Karl?

karl: Alright.

ricky: Alright, what's your attitude? Is it cause you're tired?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: But why are you tired though?

steve: You weren't staying up watching those Channel 5 films again, were you?

ricky: I'll tell you what, we were, me and Steve, were having a little meeting yesterday over lunch about, you know, planning stuff for the show and uh, Gary Kemp came up to me. Started having a little chat about old times and uh, I went "Oh yeah". As he went away Steve said, right think of this, he said

ricky: Rick, don't take this the wrong way. Remember that sentence "don't take this the wrong way". So there's a right way and a wrong way I could've taken this comment. He went, nodded to sort of Gary Kemp and when "he's aged better than you". I went, "Well, how could I take that the wrong way?"

steve: Yeah. It's not offensive.

ricky: No. Well the p-point is this, he- he does possess- he didn't know me, 20 years ago, so he's actually saying: "Rick, don't take this the wrong way. He looks better than you do".

steve: Yeah. Well he does.

ricky: But why say that Karl?

steve: What?

karl: Did you really say that?

steve: Yeah, although can I just- just backtracking for a second, I love the fact you said, we bumped into Gary Kemp and you reminisced about old times. What old times did you share with Gary Kemp?

ricky: Well, no he came up and said, "did we do Top of the Pops together?" and I went: "No I only did Razzmatazz. He said: " Oh we did Razzmatazz". I think he was thinking had he ever met me before. But he- he hadn't because we hadn't. That's what I meant.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Mm.

ricky: And uh--

steve: But if you had to make an objective analysis, you know--

karl: I- I wouldn't. I think that's out of order.

steve: Sure, sure.

steve: I mean, you're always slagging me off but apparently you can't value judgment on something else.

karl: No no no. I wouldn't- I wouldn't- I wouldn't do that.

steve: Because you're, you know, you're morally all over the place, you know? You don't know whether you're coming or going.

karl: Leave it.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Leave it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You should hear what I say about you behind your back.

karl: So are you- would you say you're better looking now than you were, or?

steve: (Incoherent)

karl: Wou- would you say you're better looking now than you were?

steve: Than I was when?

karl: Well like- like you know, have you aged well?

steve: Yes.

karl: You've aged well?

steve: Yeah, I've kept my looks.

karl: Oh.

ricky: Bit of Dando?

steve: Bit of Evan Dando, this'll be lovely yeah.

ricky: Radiohead, Go to sleep.

ricky: That's good innit? On Xfm 104.9.

steve: Brilliant. Great DJing there.

ricky: Well I haven't heard it before.

steve: Good innit.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well it was good. It was very good. It was very good. Uhm, I was just watching uh- cable TV. I do a lot of that, and uhm, there's an advert I've noticed. It reminded me of uhm, the sort of adverts I used to see when I was a kid. It's one of those attempts to kind of educate young people, but doing it in--

ricky: (incoherent)

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's- it's on MTV, but it's one of those things where it's clearly been made by people who are in their mid 40s.

ricky: Who've never been cool.

steve: Who've never been cool.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Who've been working really hard to get into TV, all their lives.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And uh, and now are trying to appeal to you know funky and possibly wayward young people.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And it's kind of--

ricky: Ne'er-do-wells.

steve: Yes. Exactly. And it's uh, it's the kind of uh stunning model and two of her stunning model friends. But they're just a couple of average girls, you know--

ricky: Sure.

steve: Going about their business. And, you know, it says something like uhm- and it's all shot very funky like a kind of, you know, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, kinda thing. And uh there's this girl and she's just grooving along with her friends and it's kind of like, the- the captions are things like, you know, Isabella 17--

steve: She's cool, she's quite funky, she's got these great friends, and they're sort of hanging out laughing, and she just pops in to a tattoo parlour, why not? Her friends are like 'what are you doing ?!?'.

steve: But she just goes in, y'know, she has a tattoo done, and it sort of says 'she's wild! she's crazy!' y'know, 'she lives life as she sees it! She takes every day as it comes! She's not tied down to anything' bla bla bla 'she doesn't smoke cigarettes.'

ricky: Yeah ...

steve: If you think she's cool ...

ricky: If you think all this is cool, then, then you probably won't want to smoke cigarettes.

steve: Exactly, yeah.

ricky: If you wanna be cool ...

steve: Like Isabella or whatever her name is ...

ricky: Except the thing with that is that people watching that, 'the youth' watching that will go 'well Bill at my school, he smokes and he's cool'.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: This is the problem with it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's not that the impulse is wrong, the message is fine, it's just this thing, I don't, I can't imagine those things ever working with young people.

ricky: It's like, when you see, what was it ... rock ...

ricky: What it will do is that you'll get a lot of thirteen and fourteen year olds sneaking out and getting a tattoo. So the parents will be going 'I'D RATHER SHE SMOKED!!'.

steve: Exactly, she might give that up!

ricky: 'She's got a spider's web on her face now for the rest of her life!'

steve: Exactly!

steve: But it's sort of like, remember that thing when they tried to get young people to vote, do you remember that, was it 'Rock the Vote'?

ricky: Ohhhhhhh god.

steve: Was it people like Billy Bragg and people, kind of ...

steve: I just, I don't know who that appeals to, I don't know, y'know, if some youth is kinda smashing up a bus shelter, throwing bricks at old people.

steve: What's that? Billy Bragg?

ricky: Billy Bragg, yeah ...

steve: I just can't, I don't believe it ever ... I think it was Mick Hucknall was another one.

steve: What's that Mick?

ricky: Ohhhhhh dear.

ricky: I remember the ones where if you, err, if you were gonna go off with a stranger, your cat went 'well, dont'.

ricky: 'Ask mummy first'.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I remember I was trying to jump in cars left right and center, but my cat, when I was about five or six would go ...

ricky: And I'd go 'good point, you're right, he could be a nutter'.

steve: But I seem to remember the 'Charley Says' ... it was 'Charley Says' wasn't it?

ricky: 'Charrlllleeeyyyy Sayssssss!'

steve: I always found them really unnerving, he lived in that really eerie kind of world where you kind of never really saw ...

ricky: What, a cartoon?

steve: Yeah but it was very eerie, it wasn't very, kind of, comforting world ...

ricky: Yeah, they hadn't spend a lot of money on the cartoon.

steve: I always got the sense with him that he was probably really quite lonely.

ricky: I like the fact that ...

steve: And he had a cat that talked ...

ricky: 'Mummy was so pleased, that by the time I'd come back they'd gone off and I'd missed the picnic, but mummy was so pleased that I'd asked her she gave me an apple'. And Charley got something that he liked, he gets a fish, right ...

ricky: I was thinking ... 'an apple?!?'

steve: Now I seem to remember it being ...

ricky: 'I get an apple anyway, get me some sweets!'

steve: Yeah, or a tattoo.

ricky: I always thought that it was a con when your parents got you, erm, some clothes you needed for Christmas.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I'm not falling for that ... I'd go 'look, I'm getting the clothes anyway. I want Battling Tops'.

steve: But the 'Charley Says' I seem to remember when they asked him to go off for the picnic, by the time he'd asked mum because she was on the phone, I don't know who she was chatting to in the middle of the day.

ricky: Yeah ...

steve: The kids had gone ...

ricky: One of her clients.

steve: Exactly.

steve: I seem to remember that he said that 'don't worry, it was fine because mum took him and Charley on a picnic'.

ricky: Not as good.

steve: Who would rather go ... with your mates ...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Or with your mum ...

ricky: ... and your cat.

steve: I mean ... I think ...

ricky: Ohhhh mum! This scotch egg stinks of fish!

ricky: Well, I had to bring it for Charlie. Don't bring raw fish in the picnic basket.

steve: What I think is those- they weren't friends of his, they were just local kids who'd go 'Let's go and- let's go and ask that weirdo with the cat if he wants to come down the park.

ricky: Let's go and ask the weirdo who thinks the cat can talk--

steve: He can talk, yeah.

ricky: And then run away when he goes to ask his mum.

steve: When he goes off to ask his mum they're just going (imitates chicken)

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: 'Oh ask your mum, ask your mum'.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. 'Hello.', 'Hiya.', 'Alright, we're the local lads, the cool local lads. We smoke. We got tattoos. Um, do you want to come and play with some puppies in the disused mine?'

ricky: 'Um, sh- ask your mum first. Quick. Run.

steve: Yeah. Exactly.

ricky: 'He's talking to the cat. Look he's talking to the cat'.

steve: They were just around the corner, spying on him.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They were just laughing. There was no picnic.

ricky: Did you ever go on a picnic Karl? It was- was there places to go in Manchester? or was it like 'Quarryland' mostly?.

karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The problem with those uh- those adverts- like when I was growing up, it'd sort of give you ideas because remember the Charlie's one, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And we were on holiday, right? And I met these two lads who I was knocking about with. Like mates and that.

karl: And that advert came on and we thought it'd be a good idea to wind his Mam up. Because this advert had just been on saying, you know, kids are going missing in Wales, right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: So I said oh this'll be a good laugh. We put the kid in the wardrobe. His Mam came back from shopping. We said, oh, he's gone missing we haven't seen him for hours.

steve: That's terrifying.

karl: I know.

steve: That's appalling.

ricky: How old were you?

karl: About 13.

steve: And what was his mum- she must've been- she must've been in a frenzy.

karl: She was- she was- yeah. Yeah, she was going mad and that's when we thought 'Oh God, we've- we've gone- will we say anything? Will we pretend we don't know where he is?'

ricky: Open the wardrobe, he'd suffocated.

steve: Yeah.

steve: That's horrible, Karl.

karl: I know, but it's just what you do innit. It's just what you do.

steve: Well, no. You do.

ricky: What do you mean? It's just what you do. What was- was he in the wardrobe? Was he listening to this? Why didn't he go 'Mum, It's all right', when he heard her crying?

karl: She weren't crying, she was just panicking and like--

steve: Yeah.

karl: Screaming a little bit and that.

steve: 'And screaming a little bit'

ricky: Okay, we'll tell her when the screaming starts.

steve: Exactly. Yeah.

karl: And then uh- what's the other thing? Like on the same- like you know, the- all this was going on when I was growing up and um, one time we were on holiday-

karl: And me Mam said 'Right. If you're going on the beach, it's a big beach um, but, you know, if you're going to go out and play there, I need to know where you are'.

steve: So wear these bells.

steve: Or at least wear this cowbell--

ricky: It's a lead.

karl: She gave me a balloon.

ricky: Good idea.

steve: She gave you a balloon?

karl: A balloon. And it just uh, you know, sort of attached to me arm. So wherever I was playing in the sea and that, you can see the balloon and that.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: Uh. But, then the problem was, everyone else though that was a good idea.

steve: Go on.

karl: And there was just like loads of kids with balloons and that.

ricky: Oh, they've ruined it.

karl: So that- that didn't work.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Had to bin that.

steve: Sure.

karl: Bin that idea.

ricky: Well did- didn't- weren't you in a car park once?

steve: Oh no. I- it was New Year and uh, it- we were all gathering up. You know like in Trafalgar Square at New Year everyone gathers and they have a big kind of party and stuff. Well in Bristol they do something very similar on a smaller scale and I was there one New Year. I was with my friends. And uh- I was- I for some reason I picked up a balloon during the evening, you know, I don't know where I got it from but I was holding this balloon and these girls came up to me and I thought, Ah. Nice. Nice, you know, maybe a little New Year kiss. They come up, they said uh, 'Hey'.

steve: 'Are you going to be here for a- for a while?' And I said 'Well, yeah. You know, I probably will.' They said 'It's just that we've arranged to meet back at you. At midnight'.

ricky: Cause you're so tall.

steve: I was- what do you mean? Cause I was so tall and I had a balloon? I was towering above everyone else. They said- I said- I said- I said 'What?'. They said 'We're going to meet back at you at midnight'.

karl: This- this is--

steve: They said 'Don't worry. You can go about your business because we can see you wherever you are'.

karl: This is where Nelson's Column is?

steve: No, no, no. No, this is in Bristol.

karl: All right. Okay.

steve: Yeah. Yeah. And um- and so uh--

steve: So I'm sort of wandering around and then at midnight they- they- th- th- th- these two girls turned up again and some of their- these lads come and meet them. And uh they're sort of laughing and joking. I'm thinking 'oh they're probably gonna invite me back to a party'. I watched them get in a cab. They went off. They had a wild night. But then I did have a balloon, so it's a great year for me.

ricky: I did have a ballon. Oh, should we little bit of uh, bit of Tupac?

karl: Uh, yeah if you want yeah.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Put a bit of that on.

ricky: There's a great lyric in this. It's- It's uh Picture Me Rollin', right?

steve: Mhm.

ricky: But at the end he starts sort of saying about um--

ricky: Uh 'Look at me now. I've got, I'm y'know, drinking Remy and I'm in a Rolls-Royce' and he goes, "oh yeah I forgot! The D.A. Can she see me from here? Can you see me, ho?'. And I think of this like district attorney turning on the radio and Tupac running around going "Can that ho see me?". She's going, 'Yeah, yeah I could see you'.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It's brilliant.

ricky: Tupac.

ricky: I tell you what we should get rolling.

ricky: Rockbusters.

steve: No.

ricky: Alright.

steve: No.

ricky: Well he has done it, he just said that he was worried about it because we said it's the last one. What do you think, Karl?

steve: I just don't think we- I mean can I just say now, oh Karl seriously I'm only responding to what we're getting on the email, which is people do not want Rockbusters.

karl: Alright. Alright.

steve: They really- there's one guy here who is- he says um he's James Pooling. He says, he's preempted Karl by giving my answers to this week's quiz.

steve: Uh, I don't know what the clue would be, but his answer is No-Van-Ear. Nirvana.

ricky: Yeah, Good--

ricky: No-Van-Ear. Yeah. That'll be- sounds like one.

steve: Number two, he's just guessed- he's put "I don't know again what the clue will be' but the answer is 'Kid Creosote".

ricky: Yeah. That's good--

ricky: That's brilliant. That's a better game.

steve: And the last one is Hairy-Sea-Come.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. That'll be good.

steve: So I mean maybe we should reverse it so-

ricky: And uh- we have to come up with the- with the clue for them.

steve: You could--

ricky: And we- and we win the prizes.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Did you even- have you got prizes ready as well?

karl: It's all there but...

ricky: Aw, I feel sorry for him now. Read what the prizes would've been.

steve: I'd rather just give them away to the first person to email in-

steve: (Incoherent) wouldn't have to go through the torment of- (incoherent)

ricky: Oh god. Look at Karl's face. I wish you could- oh- can't we get this on tele just for Karl's face? Would you want- I tell you what we could do, Steve.

steve: Uh-huh.

ricky: You know like Smiley Miley and that used to take the Radio 1 roadshow out?

steve: Oh man, that'll be amazing.

ricky: Come on. Should we take it out-

steve: 'Hello Bournemouth'

ricky: Yeah, 'how many miles have I done? Don't care. Should we do this? How many miles have we done? Well Xfm's down the road, one, yeah'. Should we take it out? The road just so they could see Karl Pilkington,

steve: To be fair though- I mean

steve: You're not really keen to leave W1, are you?

ricky: Why would- we wouldn't.

steve: Right. So where- where exactly would we take the roadshow? Into--

ricky: We'd do it outside.

steve: Outside the building?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Right. Okay. And what would you do--

ricky: It's called a roadshow cause it's in the road I'd imagine innit?

steve: And we'd give away t-shirts?

ricky: Throw away- throw in t-shirts then we'd have a band--

steve: Any tat.

ricky: We'd have- well, we'd have a band playing. What was that band playing tonight? Uh--

steve: Um. I forget. Something Diesel? Was it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: See, instantly forgettable. I mean that was my point really.

ricky: We could have them on.

steve: Yeah. Great.

ricky: Yeah. Uh--

steve: You get a couple of celebrity pals down.

ricky: Someone from uh, Big Brother 2.

steve: That'll be ideal.

ricky: One of the- Josh- that other- the other little gay fella. He'd come on. Just wave.

steve: Yeah. I'm beginning to like the idea.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: Brilliant. Yeah.

ricky: So we'll have Josh, something Diesel. We're playing the Bull and Gates now or whatever it is.

steve: Exactly. Yeah.

ricky: Right well I'll throw out some t-shirts.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And then uh, Karl- Karl will do a live Rockbusters. Yeah?

karl: Well I dunno. Do you want to?

steve: Um, I th- I just think that ruins it slightly. It would just bring the whole afternoon down, Rick, I think.

ricky: We'd get it sponsored by someone.

ricky: Yeah? no? Well I'm just trying to- inject a bit of- read the prizes, what they would have won?

steve: There's a PlayStation game here, err- I guess it's maybe not been released yet, it's a little demo of that. Err- what's this? the American Song Poem Anthology? I don't exactly know what that is again but lots of songs on there and a couple of compilations - arbitrary compilations - the club anthems compilation, the best summer holiday album ever. Ohhh there it is again!--

ricky: Well, you've- you've certainly sold it to me, Steve.

steve: The best air guitar album, again, and an old edition of Only Fools and Horses.

ricky: So, you really haven't put the effort into the prizes Karl. So if that's the prizes- if that's the whole point of the competition and they're the best prizes you could conjure up... in god's name how bad are the clues this week? That's why he doesn't want you to do it Karl.

karl: Alright, we won't- we won't bother. Forget it. Doesn't matter.

steve: Good, excellent, well that's resolved!

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: That's excellent errm- what we have got though is Educating Ricky haven't we?

karl: What? Another one of my little things??

steve: Oh it's brilliant.

karl: So how long is this gonna last before you want to ditch this?

steve: Well, we'll see... A couple of weeks?

ricky: It's not like that Karl, it's all one- it's all, we're- it's one love, man.

steve: We're on the same team mate!

ricky: Yeah we're just one voice, man. One true voice. Like those lads.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They could play.

karl: Alright, well, the Educating Ricky right--

steve: Why don't we play a record and come back with Educating Ricky?

ricky: The Wind - Cat Stevens, beautiful song.

steve: We need to get the err- jingle queued up as well.

ricky: Yeah, I'll get the jingle queued up, yeah.

karl: No, I haven't got Neil Young lined up yet.

ricky: No, not Neil Young. Cat Stevens, I gave it to you--

karl: No, no, we're not playing that yet.

steve: Can we just play a record? This is sounding rubbish--

ricky: Well no, I told you to! Well I told you to!

steve: This squabbling--

ricky: (stuttering) So wh-what- why aren't you playing the record I told you to play?

karl: Because we've just had something chilled, right? From Tupac. Let's lift it up a bit now with a little bit of a Blur... Alright?

steve: Come on! Play it! Ohh I might shoot off.

ricky: (laughing) I just have.

ricky: Crazy Beat - Blur on XFM 104.9. Right, we're going to do Educating Ricky instead of Rockbuster. I--

steve: Incidentally, on the subject of Rockbusters we've just had an email from Phil, he says "I could do with this weeks rather shoddy array of prizes, as I'm doing a car boot sale tomorrow and need a bit more tat to fill the table."

steve: We'll probably send it to him.

ricky: We might as well do it anyway, but Educating Ricky err- was a feature- well actually about a year ago I started doing feature called Educating Karl because we found out he had one E at O-level at history. And err- I'd educate him on things like Rasputin and erm- things I thought he'd be interested in, y'know Winston Churchill--

steve: Che Guevara

ricky: Some of the greats- some scientific facts. And err- then I said its your turn and he started telling me about people born without legs. Errr some people have got a funny eye, there's a woman who's tongue is longer than her arrrm and err- really, you know, turning the screw on education.

steve: (chuckling)

ricky: So I don't know what he's got for me today, maybe a dog born a cat. Let's have a look.

karl: We've done that one, we've done that.

steve: Is there- is there- cause often - we should point out - there's sometimes a crossover between Educating Ricky and Cheeky Freak of the Week

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Just in terms of subject matter.

ricky: Yeah, so err- we've done Cheeky Freak of the Weeks, we've done all the freaks. What have we done with the freak community? There's err- there was a dog- there was a woman that had the back legs of a dog. There was- last week there was- what was last week?

karl: It was the errm- it was the- it was the girl who was born with four eyes two mouths and three legs.

karl: You weren't that impressed, so I thought if we've got to that and it's not impressing you...

karl: ... let's, let's, let's bin that-

steve: We are a tough audience, I admit.

karl: Let's bin it, let's bin it, let's move on.

steve: Um, is there a jingle for, uh, Educating Ricky?

ricky: Educating Ricky, ohh. Umm, oh God... ohhh, ummmm. 'Ooooh! You've told me! Educating Ricky!' Very similar to some of the other jingles I've done.

steve: Yeah, well they're made by the same people.

ricky: Yeah!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Okay, what have we got-

karl: Right, well uhhhh, it's just, I mean Educating Ricky is just stuff that I learn in the week and I think "that's interesting", and I keep it up here, and then I share it with you.

steve: Mhm.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Yep.

karl: And uhh...

karl: Some interesting stuff, uhh, one of 'em, right, yoi-, uhh, Mount Everest?

ricky: Go on. I nee- I need more.

karl: Right, well, there's a problem.

ricky: Yep.

karl: 'Cause people are, are leaving rubbish up there, and that.

karl: And like, people- whoever owns it is saying "Ahh-"

ricky: "Whoever owns it!"

karl: He's saying "Forget this,

karl: They're leaving a mess, and all that", but d'you know why it's called Mount Everest-

ricky: Sorry?! W-what's that? That's one, is it? That's one, 'there's rubbish on Mount Everest'.

karl: No no-

ricky: How many people go up there?

karl: I know that's-

steve: Are you talking about people dumping old tellys and washing machines?

ricky: Who's, who's, who's fed up, the Yeti? What, I mean, what are you talking about?

karl: No, I mean that- that isn't what I'm educating you on, I'm just tellin- that this is part of the story, I'm just telling you.

steve: Just a bit of context for you.

karl: That they're le- they're leaving loads of rubbish up there.

ricky: Well, they're not leaving loads of rubbish up there, are they.

karl: No they are the- apparently it's a right mess.

ricky: Not like prams and washing machines,

ricky: And seagulls flying everywhere.

karl: I dunno.

steve: Anyway.

karl: I dunno. But anyway, do you know why it's called that? D'you know why it's called Mount Everest?

steve: Why it's called Mount Everest?

ricky: I know the 'Mount' bit.

karl: It's because it's a large Mount, and if you climb it, by the time you get to the top, you need to 'have a rest'.

karl: And that is- that isn't the educating bit. I'm just telling you-

ricky: Well it's not true.

karl: Well, well, we'll leave that.

ricky: Well no, Karl!

ricky: In the name of everything Holy, do you think that anyone named it because you have to "'ave a rest" when you've climbed it?

karl: Well, we'll see, we'll see what people say on email, but that-

ricky: Well it's definitely not-

karl: But anyway, that's one thing that- that I came, I thought "that's interesting, I'll remember that, I'll teach Ricky that", so you've learnt that. Right, now. Are you familiar with uhhh.

karl: The- this thing that they can do, if you're dead, right? No no, not if you're dead, it's like if you're ill, and you know you're gonna die, right?

ricky: I don't know what this is, turnnen any more!

steve: Extraordinary.

ricky: 'Have a rest', Himalayas... "Him, him a liar!" Wha- wha- what, uh uh, go on.

steve: Listen, this is an interesting fact, come on, if- so if you're ill but you know you're gonna die?

karl: Yeah, you can have this thing done in Detroit, where you get put in a fridge...

steve: Right.

karl: ... and uhh, if they work out, you know, what's wrong with you in 20 years time, they go "Right,

karl: That fella who's in the fridge, he- he had that, we can sort it, let's get him out", and uhhh, they sort you out. That's-

steve: Yeah. Uh, is this the first time you've come across this idea?

karl: Yeah, I read it the other day, I didn't, I didn't know about it.

steve: You've never heard of this before?

karl: So, have you?

ricky: It's called cry- it's called cryogenics.

steve: It's called cryogenically preserved.

karl: It's good, innit?

ricky: They take y- they- they take, they st- make... they put you at sort of like, sub-zero temperatures so they stop all cellular activity

karl: So does... do you stop aging at that point?

ricky: Yeah. you're- you- its suspended animation.

karl: So, what's the- what's the law on it, right, because say if I- say if I had something, right.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And err- I said "Oh, put me in the fridge and when- when you've got the cure and that... wheel me out and sort me out". Say if they did that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And it was like 40 years.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And in 40 years time they- they get a cure for me.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Would- would I have to stay with Suzanne?

karl: Because she'd be 70.

steve: (laughing) Do you mean what are the rules? You- can- should you be allowed to date a younger woman?

karl: Well it's- it's not fair, is it?

steve: On her.

ricky: No, no--

karl: It's like good news! Good news! We've sorted you out, but here's your girlfriend--

ricky: I dont think she'd mind, I reckon she- she'd have the best 40 years of her life!

steve: Yeah... and plus they're never gonna find a cure for what ails you.

ricky: That is genius. That is brilliant. You come out, you're cured and you going "Oh no."

steve: I love the fact that's what he'd be lying there--

steve: He'd be thinking- while he's in that state he'd be thinking "Oh god."

ricky: "She's losing her looks."

steve: Yeah

ricky: Just- oh dear.

karl: But- but everything else as well like me job wouldn't- wouldn't be here.

steve: No.

ricky: No.

karl: Errm.

ricky: Although the figures would have gone up a little bit.

steve: (chuckling) Yeah.

karl: Err- flats probably gone or knocked down or whatever.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Most of me family would be dead.

steve: Yep.

karl: So, what's the point? What- what- what- how do you know about it? Who's done it?

steve: Because well- famously Walt Disney, apparently. I mean Walt Disney actually did die but had his body preserved so that should they one day be able to bring back people from the dead--

ricky: From the dead. They need- they need Walt Disney.

steve: They'd think "hang on, who do we- who do we have?"

karl: But- but with him nothing is going to change, because when he comes out Mickey Mouse will still look the same.

steve: Sure.

karl: And plug and all that err--

ricky: Plug! Play a record. I don't know where your mind is! Play a record! It's brilliant, you just say words! "'Ave a rest"

ricky: 50 Cent, In the Club on Xfm 104.9. So err- Karl's a little bit fed up today, actually whinging, I mean properly whinging. Fed up. Reckons he's tired, reckons he's overworked here. But... Do you know what I mean Karl? Everyone gets tired, everyone gets tired. Everyone does the same sort of hours to you- what do you do, sort of 9:00 til 6:00, 7:00?

karl: Err- about 9:00 til about 7:30, 8:00.

ricky: Well, no. Because I- a couple times this week I've sort of met you for a drink about 6:00. So... it's funny innit? That's weird.

karl: Some of the times I've come back after it, just for another 40 minutes or something whilst noone's around, try and get stuff done without phones going, without emails coming in...

ricky: Yeah well you gotta do--

steve: Can I tell you what I think is a disappointment?

ricky: You're a head of department, you've got to do it.

steve: I just think it's a disappointment that Karl hasn't been able to put that aside and rise to the occasion, he's only got to do this show once a week.

ricky: I know!

steve: It's 2 hours... And we're tired! We're tired! We've we've--

ricky: We've got- you've got one job, we've got about six and we're still doing it- do you know what I mean? We still do it- we still come here and--

steve: Well you're a professional Rick. I mean that's why you won multiple awards- it's cause you're willing to get up there even if you're feeling a little bit under the weather, even if you've hurt yourself- you've got an injury of some kind--

ricky: Yeah! Yeah, yeah.

steve: You're entertaining- you're providing a service.

ricky: Yeah. So...

steve: It's a disappointment.

karl: Yeah but I've pressed all the right buttons at the right time, right?

steve: Indeed.

karl: That's what I get paid for, yeah?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: An' that, the adverts have gone out.

steve: Sure.

karl: You know what I mean? I've made you cups of tea .

steve: It's the negativity, which is a problem, it's the vibe. You're bringing the room down.

ricky: Bringing us down. Bringing us down.

steve: And therefore the listeners.

ricky: Therefore the listeners. Bringing us down. If you don't London, you know what to do.

karl: Well...

ricky: Well...

karl: I'm trying. I'm trying to get out of here, aren't I?

ricky: You just bought a new flat. That's not, that's...

karl: Doesn't matter. Doesn't...

ricky: Buy a flat in Manchester and live there.

karl: Doesn't matter, I can always rent it out and make a little bit of money.

ricky: Why don't you sell the flat in London and buy a street in Manchester.

steve: Pilkington Avenue. You can literally have the Lord, the king of that street.

steve: And people could come to you, like Solomon, with their problems.

ricky: (imitating potential Pilkington Avenue locals) He's come up from London, he's got London ways.

steve: Now, interestingly, have you heard... do you remember the famous King Solomon story that there are two women...

ricky: Arguing over...

steve: ...arguing over whose baby it is. And they present to him, they say this is my baby and the other woman says this is my baby...

ricky: So he knows one of 'em is lying but he doesn't know which one.

steve: ...and so, um, and so what does he do, how does he... how does King Solomon solve that. How does he figure out whose baby is his. Um, firstly, what would you do?

karl: They're both white fellas

steve: Both what?

karl: White... white fellas?

steve: Two women...

karl: Right. So two white women?

ricky: They probably weren't completely white.

steve: Well, whatever. They're of the same ethnicity.

karl: No but I'm just working it out, working it out. So alright then. So, alright...

steve: And don't think about what King Solomon would necessarily do.

ricky: Yeah, it wasn't that easy. There's not a tall skinny white one with big ears and so's the baby and the other's one's a short Chinese bloke.

steve: Yeah...

ricky: It's two women for a start. Two women. The baby--to look at--could be either. He doesn't know which but he knows one of em's lying obviously.

karl: And is the one lying saying it's her's or it's not her's

ricky: Right, ok. This isn't worth it, Steve. I'm gonna tell you what he said. And you tell me if you think it's good or not. He says then what we'll do is, the King says, then what we'll do is... I'll take a sword and I'll cut the baby into two and you can have half each.

ricky: And one of the women says, no don't do that. And one of them says yeah that's fair.

karl: Right

ricky: Do you see?

karl: So which one was it?

ricky: Sorry?

ricky: Well, my guess is the one that didn't want it done, probably was the mother of the child. The one that didn't mind having the baby cut in half probably wasn't a mother of the child. Why don't you think you bald little manc, twat, play a record.

karl: Well, I'm just...ugh...alright.

steve: Although it's not a very good solution.

ricky: No, that doesn't make any sense.

steve: The woman who was lying could have come up with something better than, "Yeah, cut it in half!"

steve: What she should have done is, "Yeah, give it to the other one as well."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Jaded from Aerosmith on Xfm 104.9, just trying to pep things up a little bit.

ricky: You're up, you're up there, we've got lots of work to do, we're filming soon. We've got loads of things: admin, DVDs, everything... we come in here. This is poxy. This is, this is, this is not a drop in the ocean, the sort of work and money we earn.

ricky: Right? Really we do this to keep chattable status because... and yet you, you... Karl! Come on. What's the matter with you?

karl: Are we're doing Rockbusters?

steve: I'll tell you... No, come on Rick. I'll tell you what? It's your special

steve: And I want you to have a great time today-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We're gonna do Rockbusters just for you.

ricky: If you cheer up, if you cheer up... miserable! He just got ratty then, going "No, don't push it on me head, don't put it on me head!"...

karl: Right, what were you trying to put on me head?

ricky: I was trying to put a pear, on your head to knock it off with a ball, like William Tell. But, it was- d- your, because your head is so round, and the pear was round, I tried to flatten it a little bit, and I didn't know it was a juicy pear.

ricky: So, I thought it'd be like a, just, crush it a little bit, and then he went mental because he had juice rubbin- running down his face!

steve: Ohhh.

ricky: Why's it my fault, the pear's a faulty f- pear!

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Get proper fruit in here! It worked with the apple!

steve: That was fine.

ricky: And then he gets ratty with me!

steve: Okay, let's not waste any time with Rockbusters, can we really- let's whip through it 'cause no one's interested so...

ricky: Just whip through it, just do the clues, quickly. Quick, go, Rockbusters. Right, go!

karl: Right, the first clue.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Yeah, hurry up, faster!

karl: 'All the police cars are on fire.'

ricky: 'All the police cars are on fire.' What's the initials?

karl: BS.

ricky: BS. 'All the police cars are on fire.' Good, what's the next one?

karl: 'The director of 28 Days Later is shouting about sleeping outside.'

ricky: Y'alright- okay, what's the t- uhhh, initials for that?

karl: DB.

ricky: Right okay... okay yeah. Right, go on then.

karl: 'He wants to be a sailor, why's that?'

ricky: Yeah, what- um, what's the initials there?

karl: B.

ricky: Brilliant, okay...

steve: Give 'em again, quickly, 'cause I didn't quite catch the second one so- but go from the top.

karl: 'All the police cars are on fire.'

ricky: Yep. That's BS.

karl: BS.

ricky: Yep.

karl: 'The director of 28 Days Later is shouting about sleeping outside.'

ricky: Yeah, okay.

karl: DB.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? 'He wants to be a sailor, why's that?'

ricky: Yep.

karl: B.

ricky: B. Okay then brilliant. Okay now Karl, you gonna cheer up now?

karl: Ye.

ricky: Email only, Ricky jot... Gervais @... Virgin.co.net, Radio One, Roadshow, Smiley Miley!

steve: Smiley Miley's Mileage Game, if anyone remembers that, I mean- here's a man, right, who- who- whose job, Smiley Miley was not a DJ lest we forget, Smiley Miley was the guy that organised the vans...

steve: ...that carried the equipment

steve: To and from the roadshows. But 'cause he was such a crazy personality-

ricky: Because he smiled a little bit...

steve: Exactly!

ricky: ... he got recognition, Karl! Longevity, lots of money, and lives where he wants to live, the town that he wants to live in. Why don't you just enjoy the town that you've chosen to live in 'cause it's so good: London. Whe- what towns have you been to? Have you- have you travelled at all?

karl: I've been about a bit, yeah.

ricky: Right, okay then, what towns did you like? Okay, forget Manchester, we've- that's safe, you like Manchester. Right, I'll do the big three...

karl: Stop shouting.

ricky: London, New York, Paris okay, you don't like

ricky: London, even though you live here, got flats here. Good, excellent, that makes sense. Have you been to New York?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What d'you think, it's my- it's amazing city, innit?

karl: Didn't, didn't like it, it- it's... it's, it's just noisy, it's smelly.

ricky: Right, it's the city that never sleeps.

karl: Well... I'm not surprised with all the, all the racket and that.

ricky: Paris.

karl: Uhhh.

ricky: City of love, the most romantic city in the world.

karl: Mmmm- not really. I remember seeing an old woman in McDonald's...

karl: In there, and it put- it put me off. That's where, where that thing happened where the old woman was.

ricky: What? Well j- well say it, tell us.

karl: We've talked about it before, the old woman in McDonald's...

ricky: Yeah and what happened?

karl: And she was, she was sat in the corner there with her legs open no knickers on, alright?

ricky: Oh God! Did that-

karl: That- that's Paris.

ricky: Did that put you off your cheeseburger?

karl: Next city, where, where next?

ricky: Have you been to, uh, I dunno, uhh, ohh the most beautiful city: Venice.

karl: Yeah I have been there, yeah.

ricky: Good?

karl: No.

ricky: Why?

karl: 'Cause, 'cause they, they sell it, they sell it you as

karl: As if it is a romantic city.

ricky: Where did you see it sold?

karl: No, I saw- I saw it on err- When I was growing up, right? Remember "3-2-1" with Ted Rogers?

ricky: Yeah, of course. And Dusty Bin.

karl: Right. It used to be one of the star prizes on there.

ricky: Right.

karl: And he'd say "Let's show you the video. Let's see where you're going to. Let's see where you're gonna be loving it for a couple of weeks."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And he'd show you this scene...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...Of, like, the gondolas...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...And all the city lit up at night.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Like a man and woman, sat on a boat, lovin' it and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I went there, bin bags everywhere.

ricky: Play a record! Play a record.

karl: It was a mess. It's London flooded.

ricky: That is "Wish You Were Here" with Karl Pilkington.

karl: Alright?

steve: "It's London flooded."

ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Stop. On Xfm. Karl's back, he's cheering up a little bit. 'Cause uh- he's- I think he's vented his spleen a little bit on um- cities around the world that aren't as good as Manchester. So uhh- is there any of your family left in Manchester? Because they all moved away, didn't they?. You came here, your dad's moved to Wales, for Christ's sake. Well your family are all around the- brother joined the Army. To get anywhere. "Just take me anywhere!"

karl: We don't know where he is.

ricky: Your sister's moved away. So, no one...

karl: Ireland, yeah.

ricky: Yeah. There you go. You see? So... That's just one family.

ricky: That's just- that's- that's one family who love Manchester!

steve: Exactly!

ricky: Alright?

karl: Tell you what, Steve.

steve: Go on.

karl: What I did found out in the week...

steve: Yeah?

karl: Err- world record, right? Err- person with the longest trump.

steve: With the longest what?

karl: Wind. Fart.

steve: Right.

karl: Right. Two minutes forty-two, is the world record.

steve: Okay.

karl: Right?

steve: Well, I'm immediately thinking about a relative of yours, who I'm sure did longer than that.

karl: Who still lives in Manchester.

ricky: Auntie Nora.

steve: Now, Auntie Nora did it for how long? Five minutes, wasn't it?

ricky: Reportedly, sta- farted for five minutes. But, unfortunately, she was the only person in the room. Where- where as I think... Which one's alive, Ross or Norris McWhirter?

steve: Err... I don't know, actually.

ricky: He has to be there.

steve: Yeah, I think he actually has to be present.

ricky: He'd have to be there... Just...

karl: Would you want to be there?

ricky: Well. He'd have sort of equipment. Looking at his watch, going "Finished?" You go "Yeah." He goes "Well, that was four minutes fifty-nine seconds."

steve: Did she go from like a size ten to a size six?

ricky: She would just...

steve: Did she show some old dresses?

ricky: Like a- like a hovercraft...

steve: Exactly.

ricky: ...In a b- big dress. Just like...

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yeah... So uh- it has to be invigilated.

steve: But again, you know, how was the World- Guinness Book of World Records one invig- I mean who- who was supervising that? Who was monitoring that?

ricky: He said- he said "I can fart for two minutes." They went "Well, we've got to see this." Went 'round. And uh- he just, probably let it rip. It's probably circular breathing. He's probably sort of sucking in air and swallowing it as he's going... And it's a continuous one, isn't it? It's not like...

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I mean, I said... You know, that's- that's how Nora's happened. Me Auntie Nora, she had a little bit of wind. It went on for like two and a half minutes.

steve: Sure.

karl: That's- that's when she called me mam.

steve: As it was still going on!

karl: And said uh- "There's something not right here." And uh...

ricky: "I'm leaking."

karl: She- she said "Oh... Can you send uh- your dad 'round." You know, my dad. Saying to me mam.

steve: Yeah. With a cork.

steve: Cork.

karl: And uh--

ricky: With a lighter.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I think- I think this would be the best way--

steve: I wanna show the kids something.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He said I'll be there in a bit, get the windows open.

karl: But what it was down to cause I was talking to me Mam about it--

ricky: Is she the one with the split tennis ball?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Can we not talk about that again.

karl: I was- I was talking to me Mam and Dad about it saying, you know, why- why do you think it happened an' that? And it's because she- she never chucks food away, alright?

karl: And she'll sort of mash it all up and she's got all these ice cream tubs.

karl: In the fridge that are just full of like--

ricky: Cabbage water.

karl: Old mashed up food.

steve: Really?!

karl: And she prepares everything. Right, she doesn't work. She's retired, now. She's got nothing to do all day but everything's gotta be ready for--

ricky: Still calls in sick.

karl: Do you know what I mean? Everything's gotta be done.

karl: Even though i- if you're going round to her house and you're going there for tea, it's like what time are ya coming? And it's like, well I don't know. Maybe five, maybe six.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. You'll be late cause you're late when you need to meet us at five or six.

karl: You know what I mean?

steve: But, sorry, when you say she mashes up food she literally takes the remnants of a dinner, could be sort of some--

karl: Anything.

steve: And just smashes it up into a--

karl: Yeah.

steve: And then what does she do with it?

karl: Put it in the fridge. And she's got in the fridge, it's like January, February, March. She's got all these ice cream boxes that are just full of--

steve: But she doesn't- she reheats it and eats it?

karl: Oh, the- then she, yeah, puts it in the pan.

steve: I thought she was keeping it as a souvenir--

karl: No no no.

steve: Of each meal she'd had.

karl: No, put it in a pan. Warm it up.

steve: Oh, that's grotesque.

karl: And that's- that's what it is. It's just--

ricky: A lot of vegetation, is it?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Why has it only happened once? or did she save up once a year and just let it go?

karl: I- I dunno. Dunno. Well, she is mad. She's--

steve: Yeah, she sounds potty.

karl: She- she doesn't answer the phone anymore in case it's a burglar. Checking if she's in.

karl: It's like, well answer it and then they'll know you are in and they won't come around.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Mental.

ricky: Although they--

karl: Mental.

ricky: They can't be sure then, can they?

karl: What do you mean?

ricky: Well if there's no right, they'll go well maybe it's someone just- they are in but they're hiding. Whereas, if Auntie Nora goes, "It's Auntie Nora, we could nick- she'll be farting.

ricky: We can sneak in when she does a loud one.

ricky: Cause she'll be- they'll be away at the tele "what's stopping it?. It's got a valance around it. It's got- it's got caught on the cat."

karl: So have we got a recap on Rockbusters then?

steve: (incoherent) recap--

ricky: No. Just do the- has anyone got the right answers?

steve: Uh- I've- so far--

ricky: Has anyone got the right answers?

steve: Let me just check here- aha, here's one from uh, from someone who just says uh, he's given an answer uh, answer to number one, "I". Number two, "Don't". Number three, "Care".

ricky: Right. Okay. Is he close? Has anyone got three answers?

steve: I can't find one with three answers.

ricky: So again you've done something wrong Karl.

steve: No, no.

ricky: This isn't radio. This isn't radio.

ricky: Play a record.

karl: There you go. Someone's got it.

ricky: Give it to them.

steve: Fine, okay give us the clues again, we'll give the answers straight away.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: No fannying around.

karl: Right--

ricky: Yeah, it's really pointless.

karl: Number one--

ricky: Yeah.

karl: All- all the police cars are on fire.

ricky: BS.

karl: BS

ricky: Yeah. What was that?

steve: I could think of something.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Blazin' Squad.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Okay.

karl: Alright. Uh, the director of 28 Days Later is shouting about sleeping outside.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That's Dan-yell-bed-in-field. Alright.

steve: Dan-yell, Dan-yell-bed-in-field.

ricky: We're never--

ricky: Right, we'll never let him do this again.

steve: I've told you, I washed my hands of it.

ricky: I know but I thought-

steve: Why'd you let him? Why'd you-

ricky: Because he was grumpy.

steve: But this is what happens, look what's happened! 'Dan-yell-bed-in-field', that's what's- that's the- that's, that's what happens.

ricky: The director of- so, so... Danny Boyle, so 'Dan', right. He- all that for 'Dan'. But shouting about bein- "Dan, Yell, Bed in Field". Right? What's the last one?

karl: He wants to be a sailor, why's that?

ricky: Yeah?

karl: 'Be-on-sea'.

steve: What does that mean?

karl: 'Be-on-see'. He wants to be on the sea.

ricky: Play a record. You're never doing it again...

steve: I can't-

ricky: You've just signed your death warrant.

steve: What have we done?

ricky: You're never doing Rockbusters again. And if Monkey News is bad tha-, we banned that as well.

steve: We've un-

ricky: And we're serious this time.

karl: So John in Catford. Stuff off to you.

steve: Oh, I can't believe what we've done.

ricky: Look at him, he's even doing the shout-out!

karl: He won, well done and that.

steve: What have we done, Rick? What have we done?

ricky: There's a little sailor fella, he wants to, you know, join the navy, why? 'Be on sea'.

steve: 'Be on sea'.

ricky: Knowles, is his surname.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Midshipman Knowles. Now, Karl. We're gonna do another edition I think of 'Wish You Were Here...?', 'cause that really cheered you up, didn't it?

karl: Go on.

ricky: Um, where else you been? Where else you been? Have you been, um, you been round Europe, haven't ya? You been to any hot countri- have you been to Greece?

karl: Greece... uh...

ricky: Uh, Turkey?

karl: Done Turkey, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Went to Turkey.

karl: Uh, little fellas. Little midgets working in the canteen, in the hotel was in.

ricky: Okay.

karl: Hassling Suzanne, as well.

ricky: Okay, have you b- uhh, co- co-, have you been to uh, have you been to Scotland?

karl: Uh, once. For the, uh, for the Edinburgh Festival.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Umm, that's where I looked out of me hotel room, saw a traffic warden putting a, a ticket on some binbags...

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: Because they'd gone into the road.

ricky: So that's, that's- that's Turkey, Scotland. Uh, what about places, uh, here? Has he been to- have you been to the West Country?

ricky: Where we, where-

steve: Have you been to my neck of the woods, Bristol?

karl: Uhhh, haven't been rou- what else is round there?

steve: Bath?

karl: Been to Bath, yeah.

steve: Yeah, what d'you make of it?

karl: Uhh, once you've been, probably don't need to go again, cause it's sort of old and they don't, they don't change anything.

steve: Okay.

karl: D'you know what I mean? Once you've been...

ricky: That'll be the Roman Spa he's talking about...

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: It's like...

ricky: I think. What about umm, uh Brighton?

karl: Uhh, ntohhh. Lot of gay people.

ricky: Right, okay, thank you. Uh, next week on 'Wish You Were Here...?' uh, we'll go to some other places where there are gay people.

steve: Fascinating. Ano-

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Ano- another extraordinary insight there. Uh, Karl... can we have some Monkey News?

karl: Well, just before we do Monkey News, alright? Can I do a little, uh, psychological test on you?

steve: On me?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay.

karl: It's brilliant, this. Someone emailed it in.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: Right, little story with a question at the end...

steve: Okay.

karl: Right? Right, listen...

ricky: This is gonna be so annoying.

karl: No, no, no it's not, honestly, it's-

ricky: Well it is! Cause you're gonna think it's science and it's gonna be trite.

karl: Alright, well...

ricky: Go on.

karl: Right. Little, little story first, right? There's this

karl: Funeral, alright, and this girl was at a funeral.

ricky: Same funeral?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Right.

karl: It wa- it was her mothers funeral--

ricky: Oh yeah.

karl: Right, she met this fella who she didn't know, alright, but she thought this fella who she met was amazing. She didn't know him, right? But she thought he was brilliant, right. Like a dream fella--

steve: Right.

karl: And she fell in love with him, alright? But never asked for his- his number- his phone number.

ricky: Alright.

karl: Alright and she couldn't find him. Now a few days later--

karl: The girl killed her own sister.

karl: Alright.

steve: Yes.

karl: The question is, why did she do that?

ricky: Okay, well, it's one of those stupid things then, isn't it?

ricky: So it's not logic. It's- it's- it's what am I thinking?

karl: No, it's not. Seriously. It's a proper--

ricky: So it's- so it's real logic?

karl: It' a proper mental test. It's a proper mental test.

steve: A mental test? It does- it is a bit mental.

karl: So, so you understand the story?

steve: Uh- I kind of let me just get it right. So there's a funeral. A girl goes to the funeral of her mother.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Uhm, she- she meets the guy or she- she

karl: She meets the guy at the funeral. She meets the bloke, thinks he looks alright. I fancy a bit of that, alright?

steve: Alright.

karl: Has a chat with him.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But doesn't get his name. Doesn't get a phone number or anything.

ricky: So- so- so to cut a long story short, the things to get the answer right. So so the reason she killed her own sister, is this something to do with finding out something about the man she met?

karl: Well, I- uh just answer the thing. Just. Why do you, why do you--

ricky: Oh okay then em I'll answer it then. She went mental. She was- he was a spy called Derek. What do you mean just answer it?!

karl: Anyway, I'm testing. Steve.

steve: Right, well she killed her own sister because uh- her sister um- had stolen some money from her--

steve: And was sleeping with her husband.

karl: Is that- is that it?

steve: Well I don't know Karl.

ricky: It's an answer. It's an answer. It's an answer.

steve: I don't know.

ricky: Wh- what's the answer on the paper?

ricky: So--

steve: Well come on- what is what's--

ricky: C'mon!

karl: Well, the the answer is--

ricky: No, an answer is.

karl: That she was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

karl: He'd- he'd go to the funeral.

ricky: Right, that's not a proper psychological test.

karl: It is.

ricky: It's one of those stupid little shitty things.

karl: It says here--

ricky: It's like a man goes into a field and dies, why? His parachute didn't open, that's what I'm thinking!

steve: Haha yeah.

karl: I'm surprised you learn anything.

ricky: Ohh, I love that.

karl: Honest to god, I'm surprised you learn anything.

ricky: Romeo and Juliet! Oh, Juliet's a fish.

karl: It said, she was hoping that the guy would appear again at the funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous fellow, right? Who used it on killers and most of the killers got the answer right.

steve: Did you also think that?

ricky: Well- but- but that- but--

steve: Is that the answer you gave when you first read it?

karl: No- no I didn't, no I didn't, no. But I wondered what you would've got.

steve: Good, so that's proof that I'm not a psychopath.

ricky: Yeah. But it's a psych- yeah but that- that's the point but it's- it's a psychological test for looking at something very very specific.

karl: What's up with that?

ricky: Well what- what was the best that could happen? That he got it right, so he is a psychopath?

karl: What annoys me is you're not happy with that- that- that- that test but before you wasted three minutes trying to balance a pair on me head.

karl: What- what were you getting out of that?

steve: Just play a song and have some monkey news after that.

ricky: Joe Jackson - Is she really going out with him? On Xfm. Right? It's the time that most people, I imagine have been waiting for: Monkey news.

steve: Play the jingle.

ricky: Okay. Ooh! Chimpanzee that! Monkey news!

karl: Right. Err...

ricky: Come on!

ricky: Come on!

steve: You should be ready, Karl...

karl: We've done...

ricky: It's amazing, innit? It's like uhh, Nicholas Witchell. "Uhm..."

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Err, ooh... The bomb... No, no, that's not first... Erm.. Come on!

karl: No, it's always difficult, innit? To... To sort of find something that's good each week, right? Last week we did the chimp...

ricky: It is for us, yeah.

karl: Did... We had the chimps who were running a health spa.

steve: Of course.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? Err... We've covered the one who... Who nicked a car to go on to Spain...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ... to sort its future out.

ricky: Well... All... All shite.

karl: Err, the hairdresser. I think... Yeah, we've done that one, the little monkey hairdresser. This week we're looking at monkeys... Uhm... That they're using... D'you know like, monkeys...

ricky: Jesus Christ...

karl: They know... They know how, like...

ricky: I've lost the will to live, Steve.

karl: Oh, well I don't wanna do it! Right?

ricky: Well, come on. Just... Come on!

karl: What are monkeys good at?

steve: What are monkeys good at?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Uhm, well... Running small businesses...

steve: Cutting people's hair...

ricky: They're... They're very good, yeah.

steve: And driving cars!

ricky: Yeah, they love Spain!

steve: Oh, and foiling bank robberies.

ricky: Yeah, they're great!

karl: Right. Well, something else they're good at, right? Is like, weighing up the situation.

ricky: Oh god!

karl: If you stick 'em in a... In like a... A field with loads of, like, obstacles on it. Right? They're good at sort of "Yeah, I can get over that, and I'll climb over that, and I'll swing from there to there." That sort of thing, right?

steve: Okay.

karl: So the people in charge of somewhere have thought...

ricky: Somewhere!

steve: Come on!

karl: Have thought "We can use that. We can use that skill." Right? And what... What they've done is. They've got a load of err... Little monkeys. Right? They've given 'em an IQ test.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And the ones that score above 80... Right?

steve: Get to produce this show next week.

karl: ...Join the army.

steve: Right. How do they join the army and what do they do?

karl: They just uhm... What they do is they... They set little obstacle courses up for them. They do that. They do a cross country run. They do uhm... The IQ test.

steve: A cross country run?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay.

karl: And then... Once they've done all that, they make 'em a little uniform. Made-to-measure little uniform.

ricky: Slightly longer arms, shorter legs than usual, yeah.

karl: Yeah. And uhh... Basically then... Then they're taught how to use a gun an' that sort of thing.

ricky: Yeah. 'Course they are.

karl: Err...

ricky: You're talking rubbish again!

karl: This came... This came through literally... You know, pretty late, late on. So...

steve: So you've not had a chance to corroborate all the facts, as usual?

karl: Just have a look.

steve: Right. It's the inter... The bit I'm looking for is... Well, A: Why are they doing it? Why are they doing it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Why do we need monkeys in the army? And, secondly: Why are we giving them guns?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'll just check to see if any of that is answered.

ricky: I love that we only let gays in recently.

steve: Yeah. *Humming* Talk amongst yourselves.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Just have a look.

steve: Uhm... I can't read it. It's too much pressure. Maybe play a...

ricky: Well it's rubbish!

karl: Just have.. Just have a...

ricky: But it's rubbish! They don't... Again, it's the way that... There are things... There are animal corps, right? There are horses, there are dolphins, sea lions. Err... You know. There are lots and lots of animals in the army. But they don't have to pass... An obstacle test, as such. And they're not taught to fire guns...

ricky: You straight away assume that they're gonna be.. there's gonna be loads of squads of men and then just one little monkey in the middle.

ricky: Like he.. oh he came second on the test, he's in.. he's in boys.

karl: What do you think, Steve? You've read it.

steve: Well as ever, Karl, this is an arbitrary email, sent by one of our listeners. You know what Ricky and I think of them.

steve: And so we're not really basing this on hard evidence. We're basing it on the ramblings of one of our listeners.

ricky: Rubbish, once again.

ricky: Lazy, rubbish, uncorroborated, nonsense. The stupid test that you got wrong.

steve: Rick, that sounds like monkey news to me.

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