The Ricky Gervais Show

XFM Vault - S02E46 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

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ricky:Okay, let's have a great show, everyone.

steve:Oh, yeah. Good luck.

ricky:Good luck.

steve:Good luck to you all.

ricky:Right, that was Jane's Addiction just because on Xfm 104.9. Right, everybody up. Let's give 'em a great show. Yeah. Two hours of like, fun chat. Let's keep it, you know, let's keep it cutting edge. That's not gonna be too, I mean, that's what the listeners of Xfm would oh no, it isn't, is it? No, because hold on, wait a minute. Because we came in yesterday and did this little skit, didn't we? Where we bleeped it out.

steve:A little sketch. It was quite naughty, quite controversial.

ricky:And then Karl called me last night and we're not allowed to play it out cos um...

steve:Oh it's, but we've been censored.

ricky:Yeah. Uhh, has yeah.

steve:Interesting. Interesting. So it's a cutting edge alternative station. Wants to push the boundaries. Wants to be thought of as rock and roll. A bit punk a bit punk rock.

ricky:Yeah. Yeah.

steve:But we're not allowed to play stuff...

ricky:Yeah. Cos I, cos I, cos I umm. Uhh...I said something about the radio authority. I bleeped it out while I called 'em.

steve:Sure. Yeah.

ricky:But uhh, couldn't do it. Done it before.

steve:Not allowed. Censored.

ricky:Couldn't do it.

steve:Censored. Noo.

ricky:Karl agrees thought. What's your thoughts Karl, you agree with that?

karl:Yeah, I agree, yeah.

ricky:Why?

karl:Well, what's the point?

ricky:Well, it was funny wasn't it? And it wasn't offensive.

karl:Not, not really. It's not some of the best stuff that would have ever gone out on this show. But...you know.

steve:Right, what are you putting it up against exactly?

steve:Cheeky freak of the week?

karl:Well, that, that springs to mind.

steve:Yeah. Rockbusters?

ricky:But I mean...

karl:Yeah.

ricky:The thing is, you know, the things you have put out there, I mean we better be really careful. He was worried about complaints, I mean, it's not just swearing is it. It's taste and decency and everything.

karl:Hmm. Yeah.

ricky:So, we can't, we can't laugh about the disabled anymore.

karl:No.

ricky:In the cheeky freak of the weak.

karl:Hmm.

ricky:Uhh...can't do stories about elderly relatives with genitals looking like split tennis ball.

karl:That's right.

ricky:Can't do your bad, Dad putting a child with learning difficulties in a bin. So, what should we just play music?

steve:I think that's all it's gonna have to be, yeah.

ricky:Play a record.

ricky:Accidents will happen by Elvis Costello on Xfm 104.9. Karl's a little bit stressed, but it's not his fault - it was the boss, that overruled him. He came along- what did he do? He heard you- he heard you, listening to it?

karl:Yep

ricky:What did he say?

karl:He said "What's that?", I said it's what ricky wants to put out tomorrow.

ricky:Yeah

karl:And he said "Well, can't go out like that." too many...

ricky:But they're all bleeped. We've bleeped the swearwords.

karl:Yeah but he didn't want it to go out. I mean you've got to remember, right, you came in yesterday to have a chat about what we're going do.

ricky:Yeah

karl:One of the topics that I said, lets talk about which I came up with was "lets talk about swearing"

ricky:No you said you've never had a problem with swearing which is normal. And then we did a thing about, isn't it funny that you can - you know - you can bleep a swear word by taking out the vowel. So we're going "so it's the vowel that's offensive". And we did a little sketch around that and then- you know- and he wanted to completely obliterate the word in the end, didn't want to put the thing in we said about the radio authority which I don't think- I think was valid and wouldn't have got a complaint.

karl:Yeah but at the end of the day he's the boss and what he says goes. Doesn't it?

steve:Sure.

ricky:Bwark!

steve:Yeah I was just going to say "Bwark!"

ricky:Bwark!

karl:But what you've got to remember is what he also said is if you wanted to pay 70 grand fine then go ahead.

ricky:There wouldn't be a 70 grand fine, though would there?

karl:Well you don't know what it would be. But will you pay it? Will you pay for my mortgage will you pay for his mortgage? Will you feed his kids?

ricky:You wouldn't be fired.

karl:What do you mean? Well I'll tell you what if it's not a fine, we'd lose the license then we'd all be fired. When you're sat at home.

ricky:You Seriously think you'd lose the license for that sketch?

karl:Well.

ricky:Does he really seriously think you'd -

karl:Well I don't know but -

ricky:- lose the license for it? It's, it is not the worst thing we've ever put out or done or ever will do.

karl:Yeah, but it's the fact that he said, don't put it out and you're like, you know, throwing your toys out the pram.

ricky:No we're -

karl:"Oh I want, I want to say it, I want to say it" how old are you? But you still want to put swearing out.

ricky:No, it's a discussion about the radio authority and the way people are interested.

karl:Yeah, but leave it let's move on.

ricky:Don't get annoyed.

karl:Yeah but I'm annoyed because you've been at it since about half past twelve.

ricky:Yeah I know. Well I like, I like to get in early to plan the show.

karl:Yeah, but there's been no planning. So to be honest, I'd turn off today, anyone listening, cause there's nothing.

steve:Karl, there's never anything.

karl:There is, there's sometimes some good things but today, seriously, I'd I'd leave it.

steve:What is it, what is there, what - name us something half decent that's been on this show.

karl:Load of little interesting topics that -

steve:Go on, I can't remember any.

karl:Right, gays in toilets.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:Hmm, not particularly interesting. Fascinating to you, perhaps.

karl:Right, well I'd prefer to hear that then just a load of swear words.

steve:Well a lot of people would find that offensive.

ricky:We're not going, we wouldn't have heard any swear words, we would have heard some bleeping.

karl:Right then, so that's, that's entertaining init. A load of bleeps.

ricky:That's just because you don't wanna stand up to your boss or say anything - don't get annoyed.

karl:I'd stand, I'd stand up tall if if I agree with what I'm arguing about, but I'm not falling out with him over some crappy thing you wanna play out.

ricky:Don't say "crappy"

steve:Don't slag it off.

ricky:Don't say "crappy"

karl:Well it doesn't matter because I'm not here next week -

ricky:Don't -

karl:- I'll tell you that. I've canned this in, alright.

ricky:Don't say "crappy"

karl:So if Andrew is listening -

ricky:Don't say "crappy"

karl:- someone else can be in next week.

ricky:Play a record. We apologize for the word "crap"

steve:That's out of order, we should've bleep that.

ricky:Big Sur, the Thrills on Xfm 104.9 started off another nice atmosphere again in the studio.

steve:Don't blame me. It's not my fault.

ricky:No, I know I know.

steve:Well, it's your fault mainly.

ricky:Mm, Yeah.

steve:You are bad, you are quite bad.

ricky:But don't, come on, don't.

steve:Nah, come on you are.

ricky:Don't try and win him round just cause he's scared you. Brawwwk!

steve:I don't know who's that against, is it me or him? I don't know now.

ricky:That's you, yeah. It's you.

ricky:Brawwwk!

steve:Brawwwk!

steve:Right, ahh well I'm not a coward.

ricky:No.

steve:I'm not a coward.

ricky:Ok.

steve:I'm, I'm just thinking of the listeners, Rick, and I just want them to be entertained.

ricky:Yeah. Luckily that's not a big problem for us.

steve:What, you mean we're effortlessly entertaining or there're no listeners?

ricky:Well, yeah, somewhere somewhere in between.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:Karl, what's happened to you this week, mate?

karl:Nowts happened.

ricky:Come on -

steve:Nothings happened?

ricky:Come on, I came in I came in and he had an hour lunch break, you know how he's talking about how he never gets a break. I came in one day, he was out for an hour and I had a nice little chat with Andrew Phillips about, you know, where we're going with the show and - you know.

steve:Where are we going with it? You come up with anything?

ricky:Ah, dear.

steve:Is it how far we can run it into the ground?

ricky:Yeah, no, if we go off air it certainly won't be through ah being cutting edge or controversial you know because people will have just turned off because it's too boring to listen to.

steve:Brawwk!

ricky:Brawwk! Um, but uh he was out for an hour.

steve:Having a lunch break for an hour -

ricky:I know.

steve:- and he's always saying he's too busy.

ricky:I know. yeah.

steve:It is interesting.

steve:I got, actually, on the subject of that, I noticed Dan here is emailed and he says, "I was listening to last week's show and I think Karl has taken his job for granted. I'd love to swap with him for a week. My qualifications are that I can press play on a CD player -

steve:- and stop"

ricky:Karl

ricky:What do you think of that?

karl:He can come in next week. Seriously.

steve:It says here he -

ricky:Don't get ratty, Karl. We're just entertaining.

karl:I'm not being ratty. Dan email me, you know my address. Email it, it'll be sorted out. You can be here next week.

steve:Dan suggested we could call it Karl Idol, where people audition each week. Or perhaps Bone Idol, might be more appropriate.

ricky:I like that, Bone Idol.

karl:Brilliant.

ricky:Have we, have you got a Monkey News Karl?

karl:Uh, don't know, I couldn't be bothered.

ricky:Play a record. Play a record.

ricky:Pretenders and -

ricky:- Kid.

steve:Oh dear. Hi five. Hi five.

ricky:- on Xfm 104.9.

steve:Hi five.

ricky:That's professionalism init?

steve:Yeah, that is unbelievable. Ricky, you were - I mean I don't know if I can describe it, really, the scene

ricky:Yeah.

steve:You were going mental.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:You were shouting. You were really being quite an unpleasant character.

ricky:Well, it's cause -

steve:Then the mics come and Rick you're absolutely -

karl:Funny, init?

steve:You're a charmer.

karl:Funny, funny how people get annoyed -

ricky:Karl.

karl:- about certain different manners.

ricky:Karl said that uh we didn't have to be here next week if Andrew gets annoyed. I was going, I went this is entertainment. He pays us to entertain. We haven't done anything against the law yet, have we? Or offensive, or against the radio authority. Karl said "crap" but I think we'll get away with that.

steve:Yeah.

ricky:So what is there to worry about? Exactly.

steve:Alright, let's just draw a line under the beginning of the show, seriously.

ricky:Yeah, let's start again. Now come on, come on.

steve:Can we just hug and make up? Can we just have a big kiss?

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Yeah.

ricky:Come on. No, don't do that. Just. Karl, what have you got?

karl:What's on the list?

karl:We've done swearing, we've done swearing. That's that's sorted out.

steve:Well no your point was more that you, weren't you interested in why swearing people find it offensive?

karl:Yeah, a little bit.

steve:Cause that seems obvious to me.

ricky:Cause you, cause you were saying yesterday that you don't that you never understood why people find it offensive, weren't you?

karl:That's right, that's right.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:But you, I know.

ricky:Well carry on.

karl:Yeah, but that's what I was saying to you, why you can't do it on the radio, because people find it offensive for some reason. I don't agree with it, but some people do.

ricky:Yeah I know

karl:I'm saying everyone swears.

ricky:Bleep it out I would.

steve:But I'm, this is the thing -

ricky:Bleep it out, bleep it out. That's my, that's my theory.

steve:But you say that everyone swears, not everyone does swear. I don't know why you've got this in your head that everyone swears.

karl:I'm convinced. Everyone.

steve:What, everyone? Like, you know, religious people, religious leaders.

ricky:The Pope.

karl:Jesus, I bet Jesus swore.

steve:Right. What's your evidence for that?

karl:No I'm just thinking, I mean things are better now then they were back then, right?

steve:Right.

karl:He's wondering about in His sandals getting pebbles stuck in there and stuff.

karl:And that's annoying. Nails in His hand, that must have hurt. What I'm saying is -

ricky:Right, that's offensive.

karl:No, it's not though.

ricky:That's, that's blasphemous.

karl:No, but what I'm -

ricky:Don't laugh at, don't laugh at the Crucifixion. Play a record.

karl:I'm not, I'm not laughing at that though.

ricky:That is terrible.

karl:I'm just saying -

steve:Are you going to shoot off Rick?

ricky:No, you can email in um if you want to complain. Karl -

karl:Yeah?

ricky:Dot Pilkington at Xfm.co.uk.

karl:Wasn't offensive though. I'm just saying it's a fact. When you stub your little toe, you let out a little effing and jeffing.

steve:And what do you think He -

steve:- you might hear some effing and jeffing? So, the kind of ancient Hebrew version of effing and jeffing.

ricky:Oo, I'm worried about this.

karl:Yeah.

ricky:I'm worried about this. This is naughty.

karl:No it's not.

ricky:Yeah it is, just - oo - I'm worried about this.

karl:When did you start swearing?

ricky:I -

steve:I started swearing at school.

karl:Right.

ricky:I hope . . . you haven't offended any Christians.

karl:Right there was a lad at at my school right who ah got caught swearing. I mean I got caught and I got

steve:When you say you got caught? How-- What was it? You were right behind the bike shed having a swear?

ricky:"You got any of them Fs?" "No, I've only got one 'C' left it's me dad's." "Oh, come on, let's have a go on it! Let's say "-unt".

steve:Yeah

ricky:Let me say the "-unt".

steve:Can you go to older kids to buy you some swearing?

ricky:Just smoke it down to the "cu-"

steve:Yeah. So you're riding your bike, having a swear

ricky:Yeah.

karl:And teacher hears him say the 'S' word.

steve:The 'S' word

ricky:The 'S' word?

karl:Yeah. So the way this teacher dealt with it, he said, "Right, it's not a clever word to use" And he tried to make him get sick of using it by he had to write an essay using that word 300 times. Right?

ricky:Yeah. I would have loved that.

steve:But that's just practice for a kid

ricky:But that is like that is like the the father catching the kid with a cigar.

steve:And make him smoke it

ricky:And make him smoke it, yeah, yeah. Doesn't work with heroin, if you've got a young teenager who's jacked up for the first time, it can be dangerous!

karl:The funny thing is though, right, his mom found his textbook

steve:Of course!

karl:Thought he was depressed and wanted to take him counseling. Because everything was 'S'. He was writing down this is--

steve:And did it work? Did it wean him out of it?

karl:No it didn't. The teacher I mean, he disappeared. He got kicked out for hitting a kid on the head with a bit of wood.

steve:It wasn't you, was it? That would explain a lot.

ricky:Longview - 'Further'. That's great, that.

steve:Good tune. Can I just say a big shout out, Rick

ricky:Go on

steve:To John K. He's listening online in Los Angeles. City of Angels.

ricky:Brilliant.

steve:It's his first time listening to the show. Who knows what he's making of it. I wonder if we should explain what Karl is to him.

ricky:He's up early.

steve:Well, he's got up apparently to record it and then he's gone back to bed.

ricky:All right, so he can listen it any time. Oh, yeah

steve:Exactly.

ricky:Karl...

steve:Can you explain what he is?

ricky:He's a little bit of a grumpy, spoiled, lazy prat at the moment, but usually he's quite a funny, nice, sort of genuine guy who's in awe of the world if it's furry and doesn't really care if it isn't.

steve:Anyway, we're all one big happy family.

ricky:Come on, Karl. Attitude up. Happy! If we're happy, the listener is happy.

steve:We were talking about schools. Swearing. Kids at school. I just remember at school, a lot of my friends now are becoming teachers. And I just can't imagine what it must be like in an environment with kids. Because when we were at school-- I mean, not particularly me, but lots of people in the class, and you'd all end up doing it, we would just treat teachers like they weren't humans, like they were just creatures from another planet

ricky:Well, kids are cruel, because-- Yeah.

steve:They were allowed to be tormented.

ricky:It's a game, isn't it? To see if I can wind someone up to distraction.

steve:But is it because--

ricky:Unless you grow out of that (laughs)

steve:Not everyone.

steve:Especially if they got a bit cash in their pocket now and a little bit of success, they tend to think that that gives them license to treat people badly, it's terrible.

steve:But I remember there was a guy, - this is such a terrible story - There was a teacher, he came in and he was teaching us, and one kid, one of the hard nuts, he'd found out that this this guy, he lived on his own and he had a cat, and the cat got run over. And so we got in early, like everyone was in early and before the teacher came in, and this kid drew a picture of a cat being run over by a car in chalk on the blackboard, a huge picture of it. And the teacher just came in, saw it burst into tears and ran out. And the thing is, that was like the beginning of term, so he could never get us back back after that. There was never going to be any respect for him

ricky:Because he cried, I know yeah.

steve:It's just like-- I just remembered now, thinking about it, just thinking-- I mean, at the time I remember thinking it was bad, but now it's just heartbreaking. It's devastating.

ricky:I know. They just forget, they'd let their guard down a little bit.

steve:Did you ever do the one where you just... (hums). Just humming.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:And he'd tell us to stop it. And then everyone would just... (hums)

ricky:There was one teacher me and my mate used to go up to, and when he was just talking to another one, just sort of sniff him slightly and then sort of like he goes "What?" I go "Nothing!" And he'd just walk away sniffing his armpit.

steve:But those kind of mind games! It's like

ricky:I know.

ricky:Once, right? I was talking about this in the week actually, we had this teacher and he must have been sort of like sort of 60 then, and we're all about sort of like twelve. We had to do French. You had to put your thing on the booth. And it was-- I told you this haven't I? "Le chats sur..." (mumbles in French)

steve:What does that mean?

ricky:"Cats on the wall", right? And you'd repeat it in French. And of course everyone was going: F.C. Just like-- just for fun. And he heard this and he listened back to all of them and he realized, and he went mental. He went "I don't believe this! Do you know how much these cost?" He was going mad, he was going red and bursting like Karl was earlier. And it was like "I just I can't stand this anymore!" And he picked up an exercise, and he said, "Look at this exercise book! Look!" And I won't say the kids name, he went "So and so, Look! Oh, look! Oh, look! He's put..." and I'll change his name. 'Smithers'. "Oh, look, he's put Smithers is shit! Oh! Oh! He's got clever on this side! He's put 'Smithers' is a lump of shit, that's good!" Right? And he went berserk. He went "Oh, look, he's drawn a picture of a penis with wings and he's written underneath 'Dicky Bird'". He went "Is that clever?!" He went "You want me to put a piece of paper up so you can come and write swear words and draw ladies genitals all day?" And I went (laughs) laughing. He went "I'm glad you think it's funny, Mr. Gervais!" And he stormed out.

steve:Oh, god!

ricky:Yeah.

steve:And did he ever come back?

ricky:No, but we put the bit of paper up for him and said, look what we've done you Sir: "That's a fanny. There's some knobs" Yeah?

steve:Was it biology?.

ricky:No, it was French.

steve:Oh, French, of course. I just remember things like games. Like there was some covers at the back of the math class, and one kid just got in the cupboard before the teacher came and then sat in there for like, you know, 45 minutes and just towards the end of the thing, just came out.

ricky:Brilliant.

steve:Just came out and just went, "Ohhh" And sat down and just things like that, which just kind of-- I don't know what it is. It's just an utter lack of respect.

ricky:I played a trick like that once in my first year at college. This is pathetic, right? On a hall of residence, right? And there was this woman, sort of middle aged woman, come around in a twinset, and I think she was from a bank, where she's doing students going to do a bank account. And she was coming down the corridor and she's knocked, right? And so my mate got in my wardrobe in this little room, right? Just sat there. She came in and... (mumbles) ...and there was a knock on the wardrobe, I went: "Come in!" And he just came out, I went "Alright?" And he left. And she just looked at me and I started laughing. I went "Sorry" She went "You're not interested?" I went "No"

ricky:But she just fell flat. She fell flat (laughing)

ricky:Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Karl, a little bit happier now?

karl:Yeah. I'm happy

#syn:Ricky is being incredibly annoying

ricky:What have you done this week?

karl:Doesn't bother me, that.

ricky:No, what have you done this week?

karl:Doesn't bother me, that.

ricky:No! Karl, answer the question. You're the producer. What have you done this week?

karl:A few things.

ricky:It's funny, right, because when he's moaning about-- I'd caught him out! He says he doesn't get a lunch break, he'd had over an hour... And then he went, I think he went quite early that night to get a hob or something. And I said to-- Was James Hyman, was it, wasn't he?

karl:Yeah, that's right.

ricky:And I said... "James, he's always complaining about working. Does he work hard?" And he went "Well... He doesn't work as hard as he used to..."

ricky:Play a record Karl, will you?

steve:Hmmm Interesting.

karl:I don't really want to hit the start button now, I might do it in a bit. A bit lazy.

ricky:I'm not saying you're lazy! I'm saying that you know, maybe some people don't think you work as hard as you do. That's the way of the world. I'm not saying you don't work hard! Just reporting speech, really, on James Hyman? Calling him a liar?! Play a record!

karl:Can't be bothered...

ricky:Play a record Karl!

steve:I reckon we could do this all the way through Billy Bragg

ricky:Play a record. Let's not-- Let's not ruin-- It's not Billy Bragg's fault.

steve:No, just off air, for Karl

steve:He's written some good tunes, old Billy Bragg, that's one of them.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:'Waiting for the Great Leap Forward'

ricky:What station are we on?

steve:XFM, 104.9

ricky:Yeah, with Karl Pilkington. Karl, what do you think of it so far?

karl:What? Of what? Just today?

ricky:Well, you weren't up for it innit and now it's turned out great in your are you you little bit happier?

karl:Yeah.

ricky:Yeah?

karl:Yeah, it's good, yeah.

ricky:Good.

ricky:Just talking earlier about teachers, weren't you, if you got any amusing anecdotes about teachers or anything around that subject?

karl:I didn't go at school that much.

ricky:Go on

karl:When I did-- I was telling to Suzanne about the other day how, you know, she goes out with me now and she thinks I'm, you know, I'm great. She's lucky, what she's got and stuff.

karl:No no, she's done well, right?

steve:Yeah

karl:But I was the sort of kid who she would have hated at school because I never had, like, a pen.

steve:Oh, yeah, I know what the sort you are. Never a pencil case or any stuff?

karl:I'd start off the term, I would, and I was like a brand new carrier bag with me stuff in.

steve:A brand new carrier bag! Classy

ricky:Yeah, classy

ricky:Well, you got to have something to put the stuff you've nicked from Woolworth in, haven't you?

karl:Right? So that'd be there, but then by the time, like a couple of weeks down, I'd put my pen down, I would have lost it. And then I'm sort of going around saying "Can I borrow a pen?"

steve:You didn't try to stick it up your nose? It's not still lodged up there?

karl:No, no. But the funny thing with like, you know, you were talking about teachers and stuff

steve:Were you disruptive? Were you a disruptive kid?

karl:No, not really. I was one of them

ricky:No, he wouldn't cause troubles! He's terrified of the boss here, isn't he?

karl:No, it's not that. It's just that what's the point in winding people up? I find it quite annoying if people do that

karl:So I don't wish it up on anyone else.

ricky:Why'd you wind Steve up then sometimes?

karl:I don't wind him.

ricky:You do. You have done. But come on, let's not argue! We were getting on well then, come on, Karl!

karl:And like the teachers-- because I've lived on this estate, right? Loads of stuff used to get nicked and go missing and what have you.

steve:Blackboards... Desks...

karl:And their way-- No, like telly and the video and stuff like that. And the projector thing and all that. So the way they used to try and find it -my little conspiracy- as you know, I'm good at that.

steve:Yeah.

karl:What they used to do is set your homework and say, right, draw like a bird's eye view of your house, right? But draw everything you've got in your house as well. So if you've got - I don't know - if you've got anything in the loft, make sure you draw it.

steve:Right, so people with kids would come in with overhead projectors.

karl:Well, that was the idea.

ricky:Chalk. Guns. Anti-aircraft guns in the shed.

steve:So your-the picture you did for your home presumably...

karl:Got nothing from me.

steve:Nothing.

ricky:He used to hand it, in empty house "I'm not a grass". Nor are the illegal immigrants living in the kitchen.

steve:Just a picture of your Auntie Nora.

ricky:Yeah. What's that? Have you been stealing tennis balls?

ricky:No, that's not a split tennis ball. That's my Auntie Nora's ffff...

steve:Yeah, but what about all the stuff? Didn't you have to draw the stuff that your father had nicked?

karl:Listen, we're doing songs of Phrase today because Rock Busters has gone

steve:What songs of phrase again? I can't remember. I don't think I'd like to out.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:When we do something that's been said a few times on the show, right?

ricky:Been said a few times. Bwark! I'm scared of Andrew Phillips. Bwark! [inaudible] Go on. Sorry, you were speaking, Karl.

karl:So we take a phrase from the show, right, and just get songs... like the words from the songs, edit them together,

steve:Something like BWARK!

karl:Something like that.

steve:Yeah. Okay. Sorry. Go on, go on. Sorry go on Karl. Go on.

karl:So are we doing it?

steve:So what's the phrase you've come up with?

ricky:How do you spell "bwark!"

karl:A phrase is "no more cheeky freak of the week".

steve:"No more cheeky freak of the week". We don't have that anymore.

ricky:Well, no, because it's offensive. And if we're worried about offending people to talk about people with disabilities, like conjoined twins and women who are born with deformed legs, you call a "dog woman", so you've got to be careful. You've already insulted Christ. Let's not do disability. Let's do songs of phrase, shall we?

karl:Cheeky Freak of the Week was never out to offend anyone. No, it wasn't to make you [inaudible].

ricky:We don't try and offend people. We try and entertain them. Bwark!

karl:Right. Do you know, the funny thing is you know, the funny thing is, right, you're being cruel about people and stuff. It goes on all the time on the News the other night, you know, those Siamese twins that didn't make it through the operation? And this is why I'm stopping it. Because I don't want people to think we're having a go at disabled people and stuff, right, on the news, right?

steve:Yes.

karl:Before that operation, the doctor said, "we're going to try and sort this out". All the doctors are going to get their heads together. Is that a good phrase to use?

steve:Yeah.

karl:See what I'm saying?

ricky:Karl (dissapointed). Play record. Play a record.

karl:I'm just.

karl:Ohh.

steve:Are you offended, Rick? Are you offended, Rick? Ah, you've offended Ricky Gervais.

ricky:You're the one thats-bwark-that's...

karl:Yeah but I'm saying we're not out to offend anyone yet. Yet it's always going on. People are always having a go.

ricky:We're trying to entertain. Please don't bring it down. Play a record.

karl:I hate him. I hate him, I HATE HIM.

ricky:Darkness - growing on me.

steve:You love the darkness, don't you?

ricky:Yeah.

steve:I was lucky enough to see them at that HMV thing

ricky:I know, I was as well... It's a bit, it's a bit too jokey, or a bit too tongue in cheek, but it isn't really. If you don't know that, it sounds great. It just sounds like sort of retro 70s rock. That's great. Brilliant.

steve:It's nice to have rock back, I think you'll agree.

ricky:Big time.

steve:Yeah. High five man!

ricky:Yeah yeah yeah. Sweet!

steve:Sweet, sweet, sweet. Songs of Phrase. It's the mighty return of Songs of Phrase. No one has requested that! It's not due to public opinion.

ricky:A lot of people have requested some swearing.

steve:They have indeed

ricky:Lot of emails for that. But go on, Karl.

steve:And remind us again what exacyl Songs of Phrase is, and why we should care?

karl:It's just a phrase that we take from the show, make up by taking words out of a song, edit it together. Right? The phrase that we're doing is "No more cheeky freak of the week!"

steve:"No more cheeky freak of the weak"

karl:It sounds like this.

karl:Right? So

steve:Now that's not all impossible.

ricky:Play again. Play again, I didn't hear that

karl:You got to email in with all the songs that you can hear there. Right? There's five songs

steve:And we just want the names of the songs?

karl:Yeah, that'll do.

steve:Okay.

karl:Alright?

steve:Can we just hear it again?

steve:It's good. It's probably one of the best you've done. It's very tricky, though.

ricky:That's not too tricky. Play it again.

steve:How many of you got, do you think, Rick?

ricky:Well, I've noticed the same person singing twice

steve:Is that right, Karl?

ricky:In a band, on solo.

karl:Yeah

ricky:And I know one straight away, just from the word.

steve:Can I just say, I do think naming the songs is a bit tricky. Let's just name the artists. Is that all right?

karl:Just the artist?

steve:Just the artists, changed the rule slightly. Before we play it again, just let you know what the prizes are: We've got on DVD 'Later...With Jools Holland: Louder'. Lots of the alternative axes had on there a DVD. There are a couple of DVDs.

ricky:Brilliant. With Boogie Woogie Piano over the top.

steve:(laughs) Let's hope so!

ricky:I can't wait!

steve:Jesus and Mary Chain on there, Stereophonics, we got Sonic Youth, Ash, Hole, Queens of the Stone Age, Foo Fighters, quite good. Once again, Cruise of the Gods on DVD, starring Rob Bryden and Steve Coogan, that was on at Christmas, it's not bad.

ricky:It's not the same one! They haven't been sending that back. We've been giving out different ones each week.

steve:We have indeed. This is an album just called quite simply, 'I Love You'. And you'll be pleased because there's the likes of Mel C, Cliff Richard and The Hollies on there.

ricky:Brilliant.

steve:Excellent. The 'Best Chill Out Album Ever'. We've got The Beach Boys on there, Elvis Costello, Pink Floyd, Coldplay. That's not bad. And this is the one that's most interesting, I think, 'The American Song-Poem Anthology', I've not heard it yet yet, but apparently I think what it is, is an anthology of recordings that were made, apparently in, I think, maybe 50s or 60s America, there was a particular organization, you could send in songs or lyrics that you'd written at home

ricky:Ah right

steve:And they would send it to music and record it for you. And this is a compilation of them. So obviously there's some quite idiosyncratic and odd little things on there. I think it's probably worth a listen. So not bad prizes at all, Karl. Let's play it again.

ricky:Well, that's it, we started that going.

steve:Just the artist then. Ricky dot Gervais at XFM dot co dot UK. Ricky dot Gervais at XFM dot co dot UK. Once more Karl.

ricky:It's just great.

steve:Yeah

steve:Yeah, not bad at all. A little bit of 'Elbow', nice to hear that again. This is the one called 'Red'. XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Karl Pilkington.. (trails off mumbling)

ricky:Sure, sure, sure

steve:Elbow. And 'Red'. Good tune.

ricky:The old Spanish Archer. Alight?

steve:Yeah...Elbow. Sorry, you've lost me... I wasn't listening.

ricky:El Bow.

steve:"El Bow"?

ricky:Alright?

steve:Sony Award winning from Ricky Gervais!

ricky:Well, we're not allowed to do anything. Andrew likes those sort of things.

steve:Rick, I can tell you now that the answers to songs of phrase are quite literally dribbling in. I think there's two, maybe three answers so far. So, very excited about that. And some email from Dan: He says "My Mrs. Lynn is pregnant and he's eight days overdue. Karl, could you offer any words of encouragement to coax the baby down the birth canal? I've sat Lynn only inches away from the speaker to allow optimum audio transfer to the uterus." What would you say to that child there, just to lure it out to the Wide World, Karl?

karl:I wouldn't rush out, to be honest.

steve:(laughs) Right.

karl:It's not good, is it, out here? And I don't really want to talk about kids either, because Suzanne's mate's just had one, and now she wants one.

steve:Oh, God!

karl:Yeah.

steve:Please never bring a child into the World, Karl! Promise us that!

karl:They just bore me. Have you seen-- There's loads of people in the office who've got them now, and they've all got baby pictures everywhere, and they're all like "Innit it nice looking?" And it's like "No, they're not. They all look the same."

ricky:All like Mel Smith. Don't they?

karl:There's that theory, actually, right? You know how I've said before, about babies, like little old people?

steve:(laughing) Another of the great theories!

karl:No no, the fact that, you know, you're born and you got no teeth, you got a little bald head, you can't control your bodily functions and that.

steve:Sure. Sorry, you're struggling yourself!

ricky:Yeah, I was just about to say, you're on dangerous ground here, aren't you?

karl:I'm just saying, that's how you're born. Then you get to about 70 or whatever, all that starts to happen again, doesn't it?

steve:Right.

ricky:Yeah.

karl:Now, there was a story in America, about -just backing this up again- 70 year old fella.

steve:70 year old fella, okay.

karl:Little bald head.

steve:Yeah.

karl:Right? Probably no teeth and that

ricky:Probably, yeah.

karl:Nappy and that.

ricky:Yeah. Probably, yeah.

karl:Goes into

ricky:Lot of seventy year olds pop the old nappy on their 70th birthday, take you their teeth out!

karl:Goes into an off-license to get some beer, doesn't get served because they didn't think he was old enough.

ricky:Right, okay. Right, okay.

steve:Wait, wait, wait

ricky:Karl's back! Karl's back!

steve:Wait a minute, sorry. So they thought he was a giant baby that walked into an off-license??

ricky:Forget it! Steve, forget it!

karl:Weird, innit?

steve:Karl, please. I need Karl to answer.

karl:No, no, I mean, that's the story. But it's weird, innit?

ricky:It's not true!

karl:That's what I'm saying, it's just backed up what...

steve:A guy in an off-license thought that a giant baby... have waddled into...

ricky:A 70 year old wrinkled baby, in an overcoat, sucking a Werther's Original, smoking a pipe, going "I can't believe it! The prices not the same as they were!" Right? Was a small child.

karl:Weird, innit?

ricky:Yeah "weird innit". Play record! You're an idiot.

karl:What's happening with Songs of Phrase? Are we just

ricky:Forget it! Forget it.

steve:As I say, the answers are dribbling in and...

ricky:Can we run this radio station for a week?

steve:Yeah, but the thing is, if we genuinely wanted to do a good job with that, we'd have to fire ourselves straight away.

ricky:No, do you know what I mean though? Just sort of the playlist, let DJs -You know what I mean?- sort out what can be said and what can't. Just for one week. Yeah? See if we can "Urghh" give it a bit of "Arghhh", shall we?

steve:I don't know, just the phrase "pissing in the wind" mean anything to you?

ricky:I know, yeah. Are we going to even meet this week? Because we've wasted time prerecording stuff that we can't put out. I don't know if it's worth...

steve:Are you still on that? Are you still on it? I mean, to be honest, I've let it go, but he's still on it.

karl:What else is on the list?

steve:What list?

karl:On the list. I said to you yesterday, let's sit down and have a chat.

steve:I threw that away, I thought it was just a piece of crap.

ricky:You can't say "crap"!

steve:You should have bleed that!

ricky:I know, why didn't you bleep that? Why don't we pre-record the whole show, then we only have to come in once. What do you think of that, Karl?

ricky:Karl. Karl. Karl.

karl:Whatever. Steve, what are we doing with Songs of Phrase?

steve:I seriously think if we put out last week's show, would anyone notice?

ricky:Karl. Karl. Karl.

steve:Play a record, he's driving me mad there, Karl.

ricky:Karl. Karl.

steve:Seriously, he's driving me mad.

ricky:Karl.

steve:Press the button. Please. Just sick of it...

ricky:Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - 'Stop' on XFM 104.9. I reckon we could run it for a week, just to do just to do a few little things.

steve:Would you want to bother though, I mean...?

ricky:No, but I mean, just like, you know, have a look at the playlist a little bit.

steve:Another phrase: "polishing a turd", springs to mind.

ricky:Are you allowed to say that, Karl?

karl:What, "turd"?

ricky:Yeah

karl:I think so, yeah. That's alright.

ricky:Well, you said it... So you're the producer.

karl:That's all right.

ricky:Alright?

karl:Yeah.

ricky:I'll tell you, who's got it together: Capital.

steve:Ohhh, now that's a classy station!

ricky:I came in in the week to just check Karl out if he was here -He wasn't, he was out for about an hour or so- And I heard in the lift, I don't know what DJ it was on, he just went: "And..." He was talking about that little girl, Summer, went missing but then she was just found reading the book. And I swear, right, I swear, he went: "There's a lovely picture of her there... just reading a book. So, what a happy ending! It's a shame they don't all end like that."

steve:Oh, God!

ricky:And he played a record.

steve:What's his point?

ricky:Unbelievable!

steve:I mean...What's that?!

ricky:I don't know.

steve:It's those people who think that they're being a little what, a little bit of philosophical, profound?

ricky:Yeah! And then everyone goes "Ughh..."

steve:"Thanks very much!"

steve:I noticed in the story of Summer, the little girl that went missing, I don't know if you read that it mentioned her family. Now it mentioned the father of the house. I don't know if it's her father or certainly the guy, the parent, the male parent. And it was like it was something like, I figured I don't want to, you know, libeling. But it was something like "Paul, 24, and he's a graphic designer, recently changed his name to Dragon". I just wondered what exactly is that? How would you... What kind of family is that, really?

ricky:Yeah

steve:You know, I don't want to...

ricky:I'm always a little bit worried about people who change their name to something really, really cool. Because, you know... Kevin Smetherst isn't... you know, it's not sexy enough.

steve:Exactly. Exactly.

ricky:So I'll call myself 'Clint Iron'. What would you call yourself? I mean, Karl Pilkington, nothing wrong with that. It's quite a superhero's name. "It's Pilkington!"

karl:When I was about seven, I like to be called Brett.

ricky:Yes, yeah

steve:Why Brett in particular?

karl:I don't know, I just had a mate who was called Brett and I thought, that sounds good. It's different.

steve:Yeah.

karl:But then, I'm quite happy with me now. Karl. Karl with a 'K'.

steve:'Cause Karl, I have to say-- Where does that come from, Karl? Because it's quite an obsc-- It's quite a rare name

karl:Told you, didn't I? Me mam had a dream.

steve:I forget this. Your mother had a dream?

karl:She wasn't well. She had pneumonia or something, right?

steve:Oh dear

karl:And she had this dream, while she was pregnant, that some doctor sort of, you know... She was going off to another place, she was going to die or something, and this doctor went "I can sort this out, I know what to do here." And she remembers on his name badge, it said Karl.

steve:Really?

karl:So when she had me, she said, right...

steve:Call him Karl.

karl:Doctor. Doctor Karl.

ricky:Calling Dr. Pilkington! Calling Dr. Pilkington!

steve:She hoped, I imagine, that you'd grow up to be... like him in every way. Saving lives.

karl:I've done alright. I've done alright for meself, I think.

steve:Sure.

karl:I'm alright.

ricky:Yeah.

steve:This is what we were talking about, actually weren't we? We were talking about the fact that you're quite proud of the fact that you've got no formal education really and yet you've pulled yourself up from the bootstraps.

karl:Yeah. Well, I know people have got results and that, and don't do... don't do anything.

steve:Sure.

karl:Do you know what I mean? So I've used all my energy as I've got older, rather than burning myself out as a kid, you know what I mean?

steve:Sure.

karl:I don't know if that's advice.

steve:Is that-- Should we advice that to young kids out there?

ricky:(laughs) "Children! Don't take exams, don't work at school, just... you know, move away from Manchester and get a job on XFM!"

steve:They'll employ anyone!

ricky:Yeah. You get an hour's lunch break. You're away by quarter to six and...

steve:You need no qualifications to work for XFM!

ricky:You don't have to think for yourself, because your boss tells you what to do. You can have some time off to go shopping for hobs and shower units.

karl:He's alright, he's a good boss.

ricky:Yeah I know

karl:He'd let me have next Saturday off. He knows how tired I am.

ricky:You've had-- How many Saturdays did he had off?! He's going away again! He's had two holidays. He gets 26 holidays-- 26 days a year. 26 days a year! Unbelievable. He was sick because he put on wet trousers

steve:Yeah.

ricky:And now you're going down to Hastings-- You're leaving in early? Because he left early last time, didn't you?

karl:No, I won't do that again.

ricky:Now, what are you going to Hastings for?

karl:Just having a break. Listen though, we were talking about depressing news, right? Him with that kid and what have you... You see that thing in the week? There was there was three bits of depressing news, right? There was one: an old woman who swallowed a fork.

steve:An old woman who swallowed a fork?

karl:Yeah, did you see that?

ricky:She's dead the dork

steve:And old woman who swallowed a fork. So what did she-- she's swallowed a spoon?

ricky:Yeah, yeah. You swallowed a spoon, why don't you swallow a fork? Go on

karl:Whatshername? She...

karl:She swallowed a cockroach. Right?

steve:Woah woah woah, sorry! Is this the old rhyme now, or...?

ricky:Sorry, is this a rhyme that you've got slightly wrong?

ricky:You've changed dog for fork.

steve:This is the truth, is it? This is what you read?

ricky:Oh, no-- Yeah, different! Never confuse the two!

steve:Sorry, sorry, sorry, Rick.

ricky:This is what you read on the spurious website, or some mentalist emailed in.

steve:Just before you move on from that: There was an old woman-- There was an old woman who swallowed a cockroach.

ricky:Yeah

steve:And in order to get the cockroach out, what? She swallowed a fork?

ricky:It doesn't rhyme, but it's good!

karl:She tried to get it out

steve:With a fork?

karl:She went-- Well, I'm thinking she's in a kitchen. That'll do. She grabs that, she tries to get it out and she'd lets go of it.

steve:And it swallows a fork?

ricky:Yeah. Terrible thing was, it was a gardening fork. It was awful. Or is that stupid? That'd be stupid if it was a gardening fork, wouldn't it?

karl:I tell you what annoys me though with things like that.

ricky:Me!

karl:It was in the paper- it was- Well you DO, and everyone knows that.

karl:Honestly, no! Right? You do me head in. People- The way people say "it must be great working with him. Must be brilliant." It's not.

ricky:Nobody says that.

karl:It's a nightmare!

ricky:Get on with it.

karl:I can't be bothered now. Let's just play a song.

steve:Karl, Karl, Karl... 'cause you know, I want to know, I'm interested. Seriously, I am. What was the story?

ricky:Let's come back to that after this

steve:No no no let him finish. Finish the story. Come on.

ricky:Long links.

karl:I'll tell you in a bit, 'cause...

steve:I'm getting annoyed! I'm getting so angry.

ricky:Alright, I'm gonna play a record, then finish the story... (laughs)

ricky:The Verve and "Lucky Man". That's for Karl, who is a lucky man. 2 hours every Saturday here. Just a little bit of chat and laughter, some great records. Alright? What are you going to Hastings for? Just to chill out?

karl:Yeah.

ricky:What are you going to do?

karl:Just chill out.

steve:What specifically is in Hastings that's of interest to you? They have another battle?

karl:Nothing, it's just cheap innit? If you can get a B&B for about four quid.

steve:Sure.

karl:The weather's good, so... Why not?

ricky:Let's all go!

steve:Yeah, why not?

steve:Do you want Ricky to come down with you?

karl:No!

ricky:(laughs) Right, okay.

steve:You were going to tell us something before he started winding you up.

karl:What we were talking about? .

steve:We were talking about the old man who was mistaken for a small child.

ricky:Yeah. The 70 year old, who they thought was underage.

karl:Alight. So then we got onto-- Right, they say the old woman-- I was saying a-- a-- she ate a cockroach.

steve:She ate a cockroach, yes, by mistake. How did she-- why was her--

karl:She was cleaning up and it jumped in her mouth.

steve:So she immediately-- The first thing she did was immediately grab a fork and plunge that down her throat?

karl:Yeah

ricky:Well, not immediately, I mean she tried other methods. She tried plastic spoons, her fingers, maybe washing it out, maybe going: (croaks) "Oh, I nearly swallowed a cockroach!" Did she try that one? (croaks again) "Oh, oh! How horrible!"

karl:So anyway, the fork went down and it's got this picture in the paper, of like, the X-ray. You can see the fork just like, going across like that.

steve:Yeah. Wow.

karl:That's wild, innit?

ricky:Well, yeah-- It was-- The fork was in her abdomen, was it? On the X-ray?

karl:Yeah yeah yeah

ricky:Are you sure she swallowed it? (chuckles)

ricky:Are you sure, she didn't just say that to the doctor? "How did you get in there?" "You've got a fork inside you!"

karl:No, I know what you're getting at, because do you remember years ago-- do you know Dr. Steele?

ricky:Do I know Dr. Steele?

karl:Yeah, on... He does... The one on Richard and Judy.

steve:Right. What's he, a psychiatrist or the resident doctor?

karl:He just pops in and

ricky:Is that the sort of like...

steve:I know what you mean, I know what you mean

karl:It's not that, it's just a normal doctor fella

steve:Sure.

karl:This was like in 90s and Richard and Judy said, we got the doctor in the A again today. We're looking at things that, you know, have been inside people. And there's this one, right? Fella comes on, with an X-ray. He sat on a pint glass.

steve:Sat on a pint glass?

ricky:I remember that story that was published, right about the bloke-- And this is the excuse he gave to a doctor when he had to go and have that removed: It was a bottle of sort of HP sauce or something. What word can we say in? In case Andrew's listening...

karl:You don't need to, you know, people know what you're saying.

ricky:Okay. Rectum. Is that alright?

karl:Well, didn't need to say but...

ricky:Well, I might as well! It's a medical term, innit?

steve:Anyway...

ricky:Doctors say rectum, don't they?

steve:Anyway!

ricky:So the doctor got it out and the excuse he said he'd been shopping, been to Safeway's, and he's bought his shopping home, and he popped the shopping on the (chuckles) front step and he realized he's locked himself out. So he started to shimmy up the drain pipe

ricky:But his trousers and pants fell down, while he was climbing and he slipped and fell on the HP Sauce bottle. Right? And that was the other thing, right? And the doctor had put at the bottom on his notes: "This would be somewhat more believable if Safeway sold their HP source with condoms already attached"

ricky:Why did he put a condom on it?!

steve:No idea.

ricky:To use it again on his chips? So he didn't just buy it to have a quick... you know... He thought "Well, I don't want to waste HP Sauce.

steve:Sure

ricky:"I mean, I'll use it at the arse, then put it on the chips!"

steve:Safe sauce, always practice safe sauce!

ricky:Safe sauce (laughs)

ricky:Red Hot Chili Peppers - 'Universally Speaking' on XFM 104.9 Steve.

steve:I'm just going to make every single one of our listeners shrug and kind of give a "Who cares?" look

karl:Yeah.

steve:By saying that after the ads Songs of Phrase answers.

ricky:We've still got Monkey News though, haven't we?

steve:Monkey news as well, yeah. You're supposed to say something that will keep people listening during the advert!

ricky:Should we bring back... uhmm... No, we can't do Cheeky Freak of the Week! Play some ads.

steve:Blackalicious and 'Deception' on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Karl Pilkington, Steve Merchant.

ricky:Well

steve:We were talking just before the ads about, I think we're talking about objects being stuck up people's arses... I can't remember!

ricky:I think that was the link--

steve:If someone can just confirm that

ricky:It was. It was it was Objet d'Arsery. Arsius.

steve:Objet d'arse.

ricky:Objet d'arse, yeah.

steve:Maybe that's a new feature: Objet d'arse. Amusing objects you stuck up your bum.

ricky:Objet d'arse! French for stuff-- stuffing stuff up your arse.

steve:Yeah, but I remember when I-- that's not really-- it was just about objects and odd things in odd places. I used to work for a magazine when I lived in Bristol, and I remember the editor said to me once, he said: "Oh, we got a page-- we got half a page to fill. Do the usual, phone up a hotel and ask them what the weirdest objects they've ever found left behind in a hotel room are." This was something they did every year, they would phone up the local hotel. And I found out-- I can only remember two of them, but they have stuck in my mind. These were found, I think it was the Marriott Hotel in Bristol. They were found by cleaners. A chicken.

ricky:A live chicken?

steve:Yeah, live chicken in a hotel room. And that was just left behind. And a false leg. I mean, I don't know who lose-- I don't know who leaves behind a false leg. I mean, presumably you'd notice if you didn't have your false leg, because you'd be lying on the floor. But I-- I just remember-- Well, yeah. I don't know where else you'd find those two objects, except perhaps Paul McCartney's farm.

steve:But I always thought, who left behind a false leg?

ricky:Maybe the chicken pecked it off...

steve:Yeah, possibly

ricky:And the person with it just like, went: "Something's different. I keep falling over!"

steve:Yeah.

ricky:"I don't know why. And where's my chicken?" She probably called later and said "Did the cleaners find chicken and false leg?" "I'll check! We haven't had them handed in."

steve:"I don't know, we've got-- We got a lot of chickens and false legs left behind."

ricky:"What was it like?" "It was just a wooden thing with a foot..." "Has it got a foot on the end?" "Well, yeah." "We might have found it! It might be yours!"

steve:Do you remember, in pirate films they always had the-- The pirates would have the peg leg, which was just a piece of wood. There was no effort to make it look like a leg.

ricky:Yeah

steve:I don't know why it didn't dawn on them then to make it look more like a leg. I mean, I don't know-- I wouldn't be that interested, but I'd be marginally interested to see the history of the peg leg.

ricky:It was fashion. Because they didn't wear long trousers then, so they all stopped to at knee. "Why are you wearing long trousers?" "No reason!" "Let's have a look at your legs!"

steve:Yeah

ricky:Ah, it's more embarrassing you see, if you hide it. It's like they had a hook.

steve:Yeah!

ricky:Why didn't they have a glove?

steve:A hook is never a good idea. It's not a practical enough thing.

ricky:It is, if you're abseiling between two buildings. In a hurry. Because then you can just use it straight down the wire.

steve:But I mean, a hook is such a grotesque thing because...

ricky:Alright, don't have a go at them!

steve:I mean, there's no one except that weird guy who's up in North London who's still got a hook for a hand.

ricky:Well, I think it is useful.

steve:Such an impractical thing.

ricky:No, it's good for

karl:Carrier bags

ricky:Yeah, shopping. Carrying shopping.

steve:Do you think that's-- that was the concern of pirates?

ricky:Well

steve:Pop in Tesco, aye?

ricky:I mean, they didn't have like, animatronic sort of stuff then, did they?

steve:I know, but it's just so... I mean, you know... It's just not very flattering, is it, a hook? I mean, you know...

ricky:Jane was at school with a kid who had lots of different things, like knife, fork, he could screw onto the end of it.

steve:That's brilliant! Now, that is brilliant.

ricky:That's good.

steve:That's almost as good as having a hand.

ricky:Yeah. For the canteen...

steve:But at school, you'd be the coolest kid in school, surely.

ricky:A bit more frightening in the swimming pool. Or in a bouncy castle.

steve:Yeah

ricky:But yeah, for chopping up a

ricky:Bit of pork.

steve:Imagine, being banned from the bounty castle!

steve:You can't let him on. "Oi, Hooky! Get off! You're not welcome on here."

ricky:I'd like to apologize for some of the things said in today's show.

steve:But what happened when he started asking girls out and stuff? I imagine he spent a lot of time with his hands around his back.

ricky:Oh, God. With a sauce bottle in one. Probably. And I can get it out with this one!

steve:Yeah

ricky:That's handy! There's a feller in Ward 2, that's got a shopping bag up his arse. Just pop it up there, pull it out, shopping intact. Done.

steve:Anyway...

ricky:Hastings soon!

steve:Answers to Rockbusters

ricky:He's going to Hastings in ten minutes, ain't you?

karl:Can't wait. Can't wait.

ricky:He's looking forward to it. Lovely day, lovely town, nice little trip, chill out, come back, refreshed. Monday: "Arghhh! Let's do some work!"

steve:"What does the boss want me to do?"

ricky:(laughs) He's done you there, Karl! I was letting it lie, and he comes back with that after we were getting on.

karl:So... who's the winner?

steve:Answers... Well, give us the answers first. This was Rockbusters-- Well, I call it Rockbusters because they're all interchangeable in my mind.

karl:"No more Cheeky Freak of the Week!"

karl:Alright? Paul McCartney, Cheeky Girls, Sugababes, Space and Beetles. Right?

steve:Okay. Brilliant... I mean, if you're not interested in it, Karl... Seriously, mate!

steve:Anyway, we're going to give the prizes, it was pretty good this week to James Waters from Colchester. Well done to him, he's got them pretty much right.

ricky:Where's Dickie Anderson?

steve:Not heard from Dickie Anders for a long, long time.

ricky:Because I wanted to-- If there's one show I'd want him to hear, is this one. Because we've pulled out some of the stops now, haven't we? He's excited because he's going away, so he's put in next to a bit of "Arghhh!" Come on, let's play a record.

steve:Let's play tune, then let's come back with Monkey News, do we have some Monkey News, to end with?

ricky:Ho! Ho! Ho! Placebo and 'This Picture' on XFM 104.9.

ricky:8 minutes to go, let's make it a good 8 minutes, and then we can all chill out! Yeah? Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

steve:Play the jingle!

ricky:"Oh, Chimpanzee that, Monkey News! Ffffu..."

steve:Excellent. A particularly aggressive jingle this week!

ricky:Well.

steve:Yeah. Looking forward to this monkey news.

ricky:Karl. Come on.

karl:Right. So what's her name?

ricky:What? Sorry, what? What- what?

steve:Brilliant.

karl:We've done a lot of monkeys who, like, got involved in crime and stuff. We had the one on the train station, nicking a bag. We had the one who went into a...

ricky:Don't remember that one.

steve:Who cares?

karl:...Went into a bank.

karl:And walked out with the money and stuff.

ricky:Yes. Didn't happen either! Next!

karl:But the thing is, you never sort of found out what happened to them. If they sort of got worse, got more involved into crime and stuff

ricky:Oh this is Monkey News Update?

steve:That'd be amazing.

ricky:Brilliant.

karl:What they found out in India is...

ricky:Yeah

karl:...Got a prison. It's just for monkeys.

ricky:You mean wild animals? You mean...

steve:A zoo?

ricky:Yeah, yeah. A zoo or a kennel or something, where they've-- they've been gone mental or something.

karl:No, no, it's

karl:It's a prison. Prison.

ricky:Yeah. Does it have fraud cases? Mainly sort of animals that are attacked things, mainly violence I bet. That's my...

karl:That and that-- and 'feff'

ricky:Say it again?

karl:'Feff'

ricky:Say it again!

karl:'Fefft'

ricky:Say it again!

karl:Robbin'

ricky:No, let's go back to that word. We're going to keep doing it, you've got six minutes. You're going to say the word right, before you go to Hastings!

karl:Well, you say it!

ricky:Well no, because I know how to say it.

karl:Well, alright, robbin' then. It's been caught robbin'

steve:Say it again, though.

ricky:Who's Robin? Who's Robin?

karl:So they've got this prison, right?

steve:This is extraordinary.

ricky:Say it again!

steve:No? You're not going to say it?

ricky:Oh, go on then.

karl:So they got a prison for them, right? And there's eleven of them in there. Eleven monkeys, that are in there for life.

karl:Because that's-- I think there's one that just got out on parole, right?

ricky:No time off for behaving?

karl:I'll give you the bit of paper, because I thought this was...

ricky:What, even you thought it was weird?

steve:Now, Karl, what are they in there for then? Because, I mean, they're in there for life, so I'm assuming it's murder, is it?

karl:Robbin'! Robbin' is it? Robbin'

steve:Premeditated murder? They're not crime bosses, are they? They are not into prostitution and gambling?

ricky:Are you sure they're not just the pawns and the head, sort of Orangutans are up there on a tree, going: "Remember! You don't know me! You're on your own!"

steve:Yeah

steve:"If I go down, you're all coming with me!"

ricky:"You take some of your gorillas down there and sort 'em out!"

steve:Ah, The Great Banana Robbery! I wondered if they'd get them

ricky:Right, go on then.

steve:Okay, let me see. Now, I don't know what source this is, as ever.

ricky:Is it a... (mumbles) Back of a fag packet found in the toilet?

steve:Well, no, I mean if this is nonsense, then someone's clearly gone to a lot of effort, because it does open with the headline: "Parole unlikely for inmates of Monkey Prison."

ricky:(laughs) Yeah.

steve:"Officials say eleven inmates in India's only monkey jail--" Officials? Now, what kind of people work a monkey jail? "Where do you work?"

steve:It says: "Officials say eleven inmates in India's only monkey jail are unlikely to ever be released. The prison in Patiala houses monkeys apprehended by game wardens in Punjab State for thieving and attacking people. The Daily Telegraph reports that the monkeys at the prison in Monte... bla bla bla... Snarling, glare visitors from their heavily barred cages. Two monkeys were released a year ago after exhibiting good behavior for 18 months in the jail, they have remained out of trouble." Prison can work, that's good.

ricky:So... So basically they were aggressive wild animals, that were taken away from the public for their own good.

karl:(in a quiet, defeated voice) And robbin' and that.

steve:"Wildlife officials believe part of the problem has been caused by thieves, training monkeys to help them. Lorry drivers training monkeys as guards for vehicles, and itinerant entertainers using ill-treated monkeys as part of their act."

ricky:Ah, that is so annoying! And it's the monkey that's

ricky:That takes the rap.

steve:It's a shame, that, isn't it?

ricky:That is awful! They didn't know what they were doing, did they?

karl:Well, there you go.

ricky:What do you think of that though, Karl? If you could visit them -like Lord Longford or something- what would you say to them? You'd go there and then you get a visit a week or something, you know.

karl:"So can you get us a video?"

steve:Did they get conjugal rights?

ricky:D'ya reckon? You would be interested then, would you?

karl:What's-- They get what?

steve:Would you be happy to give them their conjugal rights?

karl:Yeah, I would, yeah.

steve:Fair enough (chuckles)

karl:Alright?

ricky:Off to Hastings!

steve:Off you go!

karl:See you later!

Season 3

Season 4

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