The Ricky Gervais Show

XFM Vault - S02E47 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

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ricky: Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers, Breakdown. And that’s um, for Karl’s behaviour last week. Karl, you seem to be a little bit happier. Last week, I mean, we were worried about you. You were - you sort of slipped into some sort of, like, weird depression. You played Placebo twice, so you weren’t concentrating. I know what you’re gonna say, that um, me and Steve were annoying you. But you know, that’s the easy excuse. I mean, I think the listener can make up their own minds. So —

karl: No, I know, I know. It’s just, like I say though, it’s like a murderer, right? He might not have done that if it was a different day, if the sun was out or whatever and everything just happened at once that wound me up, right?

ricky: Right, so it was - it was like a crime of passion. You - you let off because those - those sort of circum - you - you’d never put yourself, say, in a position again where you’d - you’d have two people trying to wind you up for, you know, the sake of fun and laughter for the public on a tinpot radio station between 1 and 3 every Saturday.

karl: Yeah, but I —

ricky: You’d never do that again, would ya?

karl: Last week, it wasn’t just for the listeners, it was for you as well between 12 and 1, when we’re not even on the air.

ricky: Why? Why?

karl: You were winding me up then. Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Having a discussion. Having a discussion.

karl: But it’s alright, I’m immune to it now. I’m used to it. I’m used to it so it doesn’t matter.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But I found out that I can’t do this job anymore, I can’t do these sort of jobs where you’ve gotta be happy all the time.

ricky: Well, you don’t have to be happy all the time.

karl: No, you - you do, really.

ricky: You forget that - you forget that for the - you know what I mean?

karl: Yeah but I can’t, do you know what I mean? I’ve got things going on in me head. And it —

ricky: Do - do you think when Bobby Davro’s had a bad day, that he doesn’t go on stage and give 100%?

karl: No, but that - that’s what —

ricky: Do you think Les Dennis let all that stuff get in his way when we did that theatre tour to a - the - the people at the front in the —

steve: He had - sometimes he had audiences of like 15 people.

ricky: Seven, eight - yeah. And he - he just went, “It’s there.”

steve: “I’m a pro.”

ricky: “It’s not my private life, forget that, bang!” Okay?

karl: Yeah but good on him, he - he can do that but what I’m saying is —

ricky: Yeah.

karl: — I can’t.

ricky: He’s a professional.

karl: So I was talking to Suzanne about it ‘cause, you know, it - it did get me down last weekend.

steve: Suzanne’s your therapist?

karl: I was saying —

ricky: Sort of, minder.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Saying to her, you know, “I can’t - I can’t do this sort of job. Normally, what I do in the week, you know, I’m tucked away in a studio. If I’m annoyed, noone knows about it. I get me head down, I get on with it.”

ricky: No, you do, you tell ‘em. Go on, next.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Next! Next!

steve: Right, but what - yeah, but - sorry, so - but what’s your point here? So every Saturday, you’ve gotta come here, you’ve got to —

ricky: You’ve gotta be happy, we’ve gotta go, “Oh, Karl, are you alright? Oh, are you alright? Your hair looks nice.”

karl: No, no, but you know what I mean? That’s the first time, innit? Normally, people listening go, “Oh, he’s a happy fella”, do you know what I mean?

steve: They never think you’re a happy fellow, Karl.

karl: Well —

steve: They’ve never even heard you laugh. Noone has ever - I - seriously, we get emails all the time, noone’s ever heard you laugh.

karl: Yeah, but - but —

steve: They’ve never heard you laugh.

karl: — I’m - I’m still happy, you don’t have to —

steve: Well, are you?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You don’t look happy.

karl: But anyway, that’s - that’s the problem with this job. And um, I was thinking about it, if - if - do you know like if you’re a doctor —

ricky: Sure.

karl: — and you’re on a plane and something happens —

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: — even though you’re on a holiday —

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You might have to save someone’s life just because you can, next!

karl: — and I’d be thinking, “I’ll keep quiet.”

steve: Sure.

ricky: I love that. See, that’s one of the reasons why you didn’t actually qualify, yeah.

steve: As a - as a surgeon.

ricky: Yeah. As a - I mean, you could still do your consultancy stuff.

steve: Sure, yeah.

ricky: But, you know, there’s the - he doesn’t actually want the knife in your hand anymore. Brilliant. So, you’re giving this up, are you?

steve: Sorry, and how - how is a doctor on a plane comparable —

steve: To this?

karl: Because it's just, same situation. Do you know I mean,

ricky: Yeah. Exactly the same.

karl: It's probably got in his head, he's shut off, he's ready for his holiday.

ricky: He's going to Hastings for a night.

karl: Someone, you know, has a little bit of tummy trouble or heart attack or whatever.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And "Is there a doctor on the plane?" It's like "Jeez, I'm on holiday.." D'you know what I mean?

doctor (ricky): Oh god, I've gotta loosen his tie. I can't do that.

steve: But what I don't understand, Karl, is that you get paid to do this. It's not like we're forcing, It's not like it's your holiday. You know that this is your job of work.

ricky: This is paying for your new kitchen.

steve: Exactly.

karl: Yeah, but I've got the kitchen now.

karl: It's done, innit?

ricky: Right.

karl: Job's done.

ricky: So when will you be stopping?

steve: When you quitting?

karl: Well you're finishing, aren't you, in a couple of weeks for a bit.

ricky: No, about 4.

steve: 4 weeks.

karl: Yeah, yeah, about 4 weeks.

ricky: We finish on the 16th of August, yeah. But, you know, we're only going away for like six, seven weeks again, aren't we?

karl: Well, you don't know, do ya?

ricky: Well, we'll give up if you give up. Tell you, tell your managing directors that.

karl: Well that's, that's a bit annoying.

ricky: Why?

karl: 'cause you've just passed the buck, haven't you?

ricky: I haven't passed the buck. This is three-way, you know, you get, you get your name in heat. You're in the title now: It's Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. And now you wanna go "I don't wanna do it anymore". Think about it. Think about it.

steve: I don't know whether you've noticed but we don't provide anything on this show.

steve: So if you leave we have to go.

karl: Alright let's pop a song on.

steve: Now just think, now, don't be so selfish! Don't be so selfish, we need you, we've got nothing.

ricky: Think of the

ricky: Molly's Chambers, Kings of Leon, brilliant, on XFM 104.9

ricky: So I'm not gonna put pressure on you, Karl. I know you're scared to be saying this, right, but.. I'll tell you what we'll do, we're stopping this show on the 16th of August, we're gonna film The Office specials, okay, and we'd be coming back, I don't know, August/September/mid-October.

ricky: If Karl does.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Now I know that's pressure. But that's it. I think it is it. I think this is a three-way show so you don't have to do it. What should we do because we've, I know we've been approached by a couple others..

steve: Well we've been approached by obviously better radio stations.

steve: I mean just think of.. I mean if you're a listener just think of any other radio stations you prefer to listen to, that's some of the ones that have offered us gigs. So we could toy with those.

ricky: Or we stay and we see this through and we get XFM on the map. We get a few Sony's next year.

steve: I know, Rick, that I know you've had a passion since you started working at XFM to get the listeners into

steve: Double figures. I know that's one of been, that's one of your ambitions and I think it would be a shame to give up so soon 'cause you've done so much hard work.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. So that's for you to think about. So we've got four weeks left and that might be four weeks forever and never coming back or four weeks for like an eight week per.. and that's for you to think about. So think if you've enjoyed the next four weeks, Karl.

karl: But like I said to you though,

ricky: Hmm?

karl: The reason I did this

ricky: Yeah

karl: Was to get that kitchen. Right? Now

ricky: Brilliant

karl: As we speak now, right,

karl: Builder's in the flat.

karl: He's been annoying me.

ricky: Course he has. Course he has. What's he been doing?

karl: When he, when he turned up, on Monday, right, wanders in and the first thing he says to me, said

builder (karl): The pub across the road, is that any good?

karl: I said "Well, it doesn't matter, does it? You're working on the kitchen."

ricky: (yelling) Think of saying that to a builder! Probably making conversation, probably meant do they do a toasted sandwich 'cause I got a half hour lunch break, not an hour like Karl Pilkington, so I'll pop in there and get a

ricky: A nice, you know, cheese and tomato sandwich and a packet of crisps.

steve: Is that genuinely what you said to him, the first thing you said to him?

ricky: Yeah

karl: Yes, so Suzanne had a go at me, saying "Why have you said that? He hasn't even started on it yet."

ricky: I cannot believe that!

steve: You're unbelievable, Karl. And you say it's us that are rude, crass, thoughtless.

karl: I wasn't being rude! I just was- I just was letting him know. Do you know what I mean? I know what they're up to.

ricky: He knows what he was there for! He had it down on his little docket: "do the kitchen this week."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He didn't come there and go: what the f- why did I come out for? Was it to go to the pub for a week?

steve: Why am I wearing these overalls?

ricky: Yeah! Who's the little bald manc twat insulting me? Let me just check, let me call head office.

karl: I wasn't having a go though, I mean they should have finished it yesterday. And they're there now.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: On their own. And what annoyed me is they turned up late today.

ricky: Hold on, Karl. I've just realized something.

ricky: They're probably listening to the radio, that I assume is tuned to XFM, isn't it - in your kitchen?

karl: ...yeah, but they don't know it's me, do they?

ricky: No! They'd go "He's got a whiney manc voice as well, so's the bloke who owns this place."

ricky: And, the bloke who owns this place, when I said "What's the pub like across the road" said "Well you won't be bothered with that" - no, he won't be able to put two and two together, will he?

ricky: You've suddenly - the penny has dropped, hasn't it? You've suddenly realized - look at his face!

steve: Yeah!

ricky: He's suddenly realized they might know it's him!

steve: And they could be listening, and they're gonna clean you out mate.

ricky: Ah, if you are the builder, working in, uh - where is it? I won't say the address, but it's...

steve: Central London, isn't it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Go mental. Have whatever you want. Seriously.

ricky: Opposite that pub, that you like.

karl: He'll probably be in there now, so he won't be listening.

ricky: Oh, insulting! Insulting a british workman! So just go mental.

karl: He should have been in at 8 this morning, which annoyed me anyway.

ricky: Just go mental.

karl: Why I don't - I really don't understand why they've gotta start so early. Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But he said he'll be there for 8. Turned up at half 9. Right?

karl: Wanders in. And what annoys me is: he could've left all this downstairs - he had a paper under his arm, one of those crossword books, and a pot noodle.

karl: Now, I'm not being funny. But, most of them take up quite a bit of time.

ricky: Yep

karl: A crossword book, he's not happy with just the one that's in the paper!

ricky: If you're listening - if you are the builder, that's listening now, doing Karl's flat: what about pissing in the laundry basket?

ricky: Lonesome Day, Bruce Springsteen. On XFM, 104.9.

ricky: So... You've realized now that the builder could well be listening, knowing exactly who you're talking about.

karl: There's a- there's a chance of it. Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I didn't think about it, but you're right. You know. Was tuned onto that.

karl: I think I did flick it on. Thinking about it, thinking back.

karl: If so, yeah he's probably- he's probably... listening now.

ricky: No, he probably isn't. He probably listened about half an hour, and if he's got any sense he turned it to Heart or Virgin or Magic or something, but...

ricky: You know, there is a chance.

steve: Good advice to the listeners.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: If you've got any sense! If you've finished your crossword puzzles.

ricky: I think, you know, according to our figures there's a five percent chance of him listening to it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So uh, if, you know, we wanna be accurate.

ricky: Although he is in a house with it tuned to that, so I think it puts him right up to 50 percent straight away.

steve: Yeah... But then again, Ricky, he's got a job of work! So why would he be listening to this show?

ricky: He's doing a crossword at the moment.

steve: Yeah, well...

ricky: You better hope he's not listening.

karl: Well... But I mean, they do annoy me, I'll- I'm sticking- I'm sticking by it.

ricky: Yeah, carry on, you might as well keep digging - yeah, go on.

karl: No, I'm just saying, they do annoy me - the way they wake you up at eight, and then...

ricky: Well that's when they start work.

karl: 'cause I told ya, I mean...

ricky: Oh, we'll leave that one then? Yeah.

karl: No, but it's like... the other day, when- when they came in - I always like to test them, do you know what I mean?

karl: When I had some work done, on the last flat that I was in, right? That I was renting.

karl: The builders were in, sorting the shower out and that.

karl: They woke me up about half past seven.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right?

steve: Were you in the shower?

karl: No no-

ricky: Good thing about cleaning his shower, there's never any hair down the plughole.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right. So... I- I left early to come into work. Right?

steve: Sure.

karl: Um, and I thought "I wonder what they're doing?"

karl: "I wonder if they have started", so I walked back to go back in. They'd left the flat and were sat outside having a Starbucks!

karl: And it just annoys me that they couldn't do that first. Do you know what I mean - have your breakfast first, then come and wake me up.

karl: But don't wake me up. To then get me out of the flat, and then say "Right, let's go and have breakfast".

ricky: Well they've probably gotta get in, haven't they?

karl: What for? What for? They can put all the tools in the- in the little lobby bit. Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Ye.

karl: Just winds me up.

steve: Sure.

karl: Now the thing is, the guy today who's doing the tiling - hm, that's narrowed it down a bit more...

karl: When I knew he was in there, I went out for a bit - had a cup of tea and a bacon butty.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: At a café.

karl: And I went back, and uh, I was really quiet. Put me key in the door and opened it really quick to see what he'd be doing. And he had actually started work, so... fair play to him.

ricky: What if he had just been exfoliating himself naked on the kitchen floor?

steve: Yeah!

karl: I'd say "right, caught you."

steve: "Don't use my exfoliate", yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So, uhh...

steve: Incidentally, if you're listening: go through the wardrobes upstairs, I think there's some good stuff up there.

ricky: Go through the wardrobes and get some stuff, yeah.

karl: They won't get anything. I've put everything in places where they wouldn't think of looking. Jewelry and stuff.

ricky: So you're thinking-

steve: Where'd you put the jewelry?

karl: Can't- I'm not saying.

steve: Go on.

ricky: So you're thinking that they're gonna thieve from you as well?

steve: Okay, so if you're listening, um, don't think about the obvious places when you're looking for the jewelry.

ricky: No. But I'd do things like, I would do things like, you know, uh... Just pop a little bit of urine, um, maybe in the salt cellar or something.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Just do something-

steve: I'll tell you what I'd do is I'd take the- take the toothbrushes in the bathroom, just pop them in the toilet, flush it and then take 'em back again. Just pop 'em back in there.

karl: Leave 'em nothing, leave 'em nowt.

karl: When they were coming last week I brought the biscuits to work.

karl: Suzanne was like: "no wonder you've got no mates."

ricky: You didn't really?

karl: Nah I did, I brought biscuits.

steve: You brought your biscuit tin to work?

karl: No, no it weren't a tin, it was just a packet of good quality cookies.

ricky: Good quality cookies!

steve: Yeah, you thought "I'll be down if they're around here."

ricky: Oh, god. Oh.

karl: But, that's what Suzanne always says "don't know- you know, why you're like this."

steve: Yeah.

karl: "it's not as if you've been, sort of harmed as a kid or anything."

ricky: But I love the fact that you once said to us that you don't need friends. You don't like friends 'cause they're a bit of a pain - 'cause they call you up and they wanna be with ya.

karl: Yeah, but mates are a hassle.

karl: I woke up today, right.

karl: And, uh, I think it was on... might've been on 5 Live or something this morning in the bedroom, right.

karl: And, uh, they were talking about how it's Nelson Mandelas birthday, 80-odd.

ricky: Yeah, 85.

karl: Twenty thousand people turning up at his party.

karl: I thought "I'm glad I'm not him."

karl: I couldn't be doing with that! Twenty thousand people!

ricky: Think of the carpet afterwards. I mean, a good percentage of them will put out fag butts on his carpet.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Erm Charlie Dimmock - what's her name - did lovely, lovely patio and a water feature. He's going to, he's going to come back and he's going to go "Oh f- it's ruined!".

steve: And what's he doing for his birthday? Karaoke? Chinese meal, bit of Karaoke? I wonder what Nelson Mandela's birthday party is like.

ricky: Big cake?

steve: Enormous cake.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The Spice Girls jumping out.

ricky: Yep, the spice girls in it. Well everyone - we are the only two people who hasn't met him.

steve: Yeah, everyone's met him...

karl: I thought a file would have been in the cake.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

ricky: A file - just in case, you never know! and "if Winnie calls, I'm not here!" - "have you not invited her?" - "No course I f- no, definitely not.". Poor Nelson, happy birthday.

steve: How old is he?

ricky: 85.

steve: Aw well done! No god bless him. God bless him.

ricky: Aw...

steve: 85 today...

karl: Right bit of Songs of Phrase next then?

ricky: Do you reckon?

steve: What's that one?

ricky: Silence Is Easy by Starsailor on Xfm 104.9.

steve: Sorry it just suddenly struck me - something, I don't know if I've mentioned it before. You mentioned um, you tried to catch your guy out when you came back once - you opened door very quickly to see what he was up to. Did I ever tell you when I was at University - now, I'm very tall. I've got enormous feet size 14.

ricky: 14!

steve: Size 14 shoes. And when I was at University everyone, it seemed to me, was wearing Dr. Martens. It was like you had to wear a pair of Dr. Martens.

steve: It was kind of the rule.

ricky: Doctor Martens were too big for you.

steve: Yeah, so that's a big pair of Dr. Martens. That's like, that's where the myth of the old woman who lived in a shoe I think...

ricky: I know!

steve: ...people with my size shoes. Anyway, I erm, I just literally kind of moved to University. I've been there for like literally a couple of months and obviously in that first period you're quite Keen to kind of, you know, reinvent yourself, you know strike yoursel- you know, try and give an impression of perhaps been quite sophisticated, worldly, cool, all those things that you know - you've left behind all your childhood friends. So you're trying to, you know, develop something.

ricky: You didn't bother. You didn't...

steve: What sorry?

ricky: You didn't bother.

steve: No, no, I was working hard on it and I was kind of you know, I was doing right, you know, and I had my tie-dye shirt.

steve: And erm, so I was working hard to try and seem kind of cool and not freakish and erm, I came back from studies once and I came in and there's a little old cleaning lady that kind of would always come in every day and clean up our Halls of residence. And I came back and my door of my room was open, and there was like a little huddle of people just peering in right? And though "this is odd", you know.

steve: That that's my door's open and I'm not. But I'm not in there and there's people staring in the door and I looked in and the little cleaning lady had my Dr. Martens on and was clomping around.

ricky: Making them all laugh.

steve: Making them all laugh, doing an impression of me.

ricky: That's amazing.

steve: Imagine that! Imagine the psychological scars that has.

ricky: I love the fact that she's more popular than you.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: And they're going "come on moard! Let's go to the JCR! Wayy!". And they carry her down. "Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink!", and she goes to you - "Steve you better have that spotless by the time I come back" and you go "Alight, I will... Alright."

steve: But what I like is the fact that I'm sure that's not part of The Cleaners Code - the cleaners code is you don't have keys to everyone's room you can go though their belongings and and play practical jokes. I mean surely.

steve: Kind of ... there's a trust ..

ricky: So you must have looked like a wall bracket with that. What is that? I went bowling with him once the first time and he and we went bowling in this place. Where was it? Must of been Finsbury Park and, uh, I'd never been before and it is really you've got to wear special shoes. And I went "alright" I he went and as soon as I was here, he goes if you got size 14 and she went. Yeah, I've got one pair and she put them on the table and they look like Krusty [the Clown]. Honestly, they're there. Honestly, it looked like a heart it was I just started laughing because I looked, they're so long and thin,

ricky: Anyway and they're multicolored aren't they? They're two colors and it looked like Krusty's ... Krusty the Clown's feet. And then that it's Steve's going "alright." 14, that is big innit?

steve: It is a huge size ... shoe. You're right.

karl: And it was just the one cleaner in them?

steve: Just the one inside.

ricky: She did have loads of kids eventually and brought 'em up in there. Well we've got songs of phrase haven't we?

karl: Right, songs of phrase then. Ummmm.

steve: OK, let's just have a look at the prizes. Let's just remind us again what exactly songs of Praises because a lot of people

steve: Put out of their mind week by week.

karl: It's a phrase that's, you know, been said on the show a few times, that night.

ricky: You remember: classics. Like, uh, what was what was what was that?

steve: Harry Chinese Kid?

ricky: Yeah. There's there's this hairy Chinese kid.

karl: Stop squeezing me head.

ricky: Karl you're an idiot

steve: Karl, you're an idiot.

ricky: Ah you know, some classic phrases.

steve: Phrases ... and so you use various old-time songs and you put them all together and that spells out the phrase. Um, before we play that let me tell you now you can win - Look forward to this - What's this

steve: The new album from the Star-Spangles: that's called bazooka.

ricky: Is that out, is it?

steve: Never heard of... Never heard of it before. The best summer holiday album in the world ever. We've got - the treats on there include the fast-food rockers, and uh last ketchup.

ricky: Yeah. I'm waiting for their second single because I don't know what that's going to be about.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Is it gonna be more fast food? Maybe like pret a manger?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah lovely.

steve: This is very good. Yeah two-disc set the best of David Bowie and inspiral carpets. The best of them still don't know how they spin that over over three CDs.

steve: No idea.

ricky: I love how Bowie's is is one.

steve: Yeah, the uh, we mentioned it last week, the American song poem Anthology. That's kind of kooky collection of, uh, songs. And we've also got a couple DVDs here: Stephen King's Rose Red. I've never heard of it.

ricky: Straight to video.

steve: Yeah made-for-television.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, never be seen in the cinema.

steve: And I know I'm sure there's a lot of nerd lingers listening so they will be loving Richard Dean Anderson in Stargate SG-1. Free inside, there's a collector's card, plus you can win some exclusive

steve: Memorabilia. So, I think a pair of there are

ricky: All you've got to do is listen to these, like, 13 songs probably to write a well-known stupid phrase.

karl: It's only seven, seven different songs, right?

ricky: Well, I'll just get the most you can just get a be rough up - artist or song 'll do, right.

karl: And the phrase is about me dad nicking from, uh, telephone boxes, right?

ricky: You gotta give him a clue because they've got to know what they're listening for. It's hard enough when you know, Dad is never going to stop robbing from telephone box. Is that it?

ricky: So what are these- what are these songs, then? Go on, then.

karl: Uh, it doesn't matter that some people don't know what that's about, do they? Doesn't matter.

ricky: No, they know, well-

steve: Well, your father's a thief.

ricky: E-mail only. Ricky dot gervais at xfm dot co dot uk.

steve: Let's hear it.

karl: Alrite.

karl: Alrite.

ricky: Also not- um, grammatically correct.

steve: No.

ricky: So, it's:

ricky and steve: "Daddy"

ricky: "never gonna stop robbing from telephone box"

steve: Rubbish!

ricky: Unbelievable.

steve: Play it again - I think we just need the song, that's all we're after.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, just the songs, right.

karl: Just again?

steve: Well...

ricky: This is a desperate feature, innit?

steve: It really is awful.

steve: See, Rick, if we took more of an interest in this show, we'd have come in, listened to that and said "we're not gonna play it."

ricky: We'd say "no way" - we'd have said "no way are we doing that."

steve: "I don't care how long you've spent on it."

ricky: "We've got a reputation."

steve: "Yeah."

ricky: "We've won awards."

steve: "We've won major awards. We're not putting that tat out." But-

ricky: Yeah, I know.

steve: You know, that's what- that's what happens.

ricky: But we're just giving the listener what they're used to.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: So uh, I think more fool them for listening.

steve: Ricky dot gervais at xfm dot co dot uk.

ricky: Eminem. Business, on XFM 104.9.

steve: Karl, can I ask, 'cause after last week's, uh, show when you had your breakdown.

steve: Um, you went off to Hastings. With your, uh, girlfriend stroke carer, Suzanne.

steve: Um, now what does she- 'cause whenever we meet Suzanne - we bumped into Suzanne recently at the BBC, Ricky and I, she's always very nice to us, very polite, we have a nice little chat.

steve: But I'm always wondering "what is it that she thinks of us, really?" you know, 'cause I'm assuming you immediately go home and winge.

ricky: Talking about "they tortured me, they tortured me on air."

steve: Now what does she- what does she make of us?

karl: Uh...

ricky: Did she listen to the show last week?

karl: Yeah, she did, yeah. She knew- she knew I was annoyed.

ricky: Right.

karl: So, she sort of gave me a look like... you know what I mean, like that, 'cause we went to Hastings.

steve: That wasn't because you had like Marmite or something over your face?

karl: No, no. It was that "uh". So we didn't talk for a bit, I just was like, you know, getting over it.

steve: Sure.

karl: Thinking "I'm sick of this."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right?

karl: Uh, you know "is the new kitchen really worth it?" and all that.

ricky: I phoned him up and left a message after the show that said "you seemed a bit quiet when you left, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't anything I said."

steve: Oh. You still doing your, uh, your samaritan's work?

ricky: Yeah - did it ring, or did you just ignore it and let it go to the answering machine?

karl: I think I turned it off.

karl: I left it off, didn't I?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Just left it off the whole day and that.

steve: But what does she make of us? Just she genuinely think, does she not really like us?

karl: It's weird, 'cause there's no one who, uh, who she doesn't really like - which annoys me, 'cause-

karl: Well, she says to me, I'm- I'm the opposite, do you know what I mean? I'm like "oh, everybody annoys you".

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it's like "well" - but that- that's my choice, right.

steve: Sure.

karl: And, that's why I don't bother getting mates and that.

ricky: Sure.

karl: 'cause it's just hassle.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But the problem is sometimes me being like that affects stuff that she wants to do. So, you know, if a mate-

ricky: Like see her family and friends?

karl: Well, let's not say her family or friends. But say if one of the mates had a baby.

steve: Right.

karl: Right.

ricky: Right.

karl: I mean, you know...

steve: Naming no names.

ricky: So this happened.

karl: Well I've just gotta watch what I'm doing haven't I now, cos of old...

ricky: The builder who knows you were slagging him off, saying he'd nicked stuff.

karl: And so, you know, she's got a few mates who have kids recently.

ricky: Right.

ricky: So one of them had a kid yeah go on.

karl: Right and, er, she wanted to go and see it, right? And she said you can come with us and I was like, "ugh, you know what I feel about babies."

steve: Sure. You've seen one, you've seen them all.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: They all look like Mel Smith, why do I need to see another one?

karl: Right and she's like, "yeah but come and see it, you know, you get on with em, come and see him." And I was like, "it's a long way away."

steve: Yeah.

karl: Do you know what I mean... That's probably narrowed it down again.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So... and that annoys her because I can't be bothered-

ricky: What did you say? No I'm not coming to see him, I don't like him?

steve: I'm not going all the way to Swindon.

ricky: What did she- what did she-

ricky: Did he er- or Birmingham or Cornwall. You know who you are if you had a baby?-

karl: Yeah but

ricky: -sort of in the last [inaudible] and Karl didn't show up and Suzanne said- what did Suzanne- what excuse did she say? You're working or busy or...?

karl: Well to be fair I was working, right. And they are nice people and stuff.

ricky: Now you're backtracking cause now-

karl: No but I'm just saying.

ricky: Do they listen? Do they listen to the show?

karl: They might- they might do

ricky: So you know they listen to the show. So once again, you've come up with an anecdote where the people who you've admitted to not liking to see their baby or care about them are listening to the show.

karl: No

ricky: Maybe you, so I don't know, maybe the builder's listening. Once again-

karl: They're nice people, I like em-

ricky: Just-

steve: But you don't like their baby.

ricky: -just sneeze in the chilli pot.

karl: When the kid's older I'll go and see him. It's just, I mean when it's got its own little character. As a baby it could be any baby.

karl: He's got nothing to offer me.

ricky: I know what you mean, I know you mean.

steve: It could be, what, a toy baby.

ricky: But you know what I mean.

steve: Could be a bag of sugar.

ricky: No, I know what you- know what you mean, yeah. When it can start talking and you know-

steve: Lend you money.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Got good toys and stuff, well worth going. But at the moment.

steve: Yeah nothing.

karl: I'll see when it's about six.

ricky: He goes yeah brilliant, put it to bed, let's have a game of Scrabble. Do you know what I mean.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But yeah that's what we were talking about on our way to Hastings last week. You know, that's where I went to chill after the-

steve: Of course.

ricky: And that's where we decided you couldn't give a hundred percent to the public if you weren't having a good day like me and Steve do.

ricky: Come rain or shine on a tin pot radio station. It really doesn't you know, keep me in Frappuccinos these days. Erm, but we'll say once again on air, this is official and it's not to put pressure on you.

ricky: But me and Steve are going away for a couple of months on the 16th of August to do The Office special and if Karl doesn't come back nor will we because I see it as a three-way thing and that's the truth.

steve: Rick. You said that a couple of times now as though you're expecting a flood of emails and calls? Nothing.

ricky: No. I'm just trying to get him pressure.

steve: There's been nothing

ricky: I know for a fact that they, obviously they want us to come back and I know

steve: Yeah, I think maybe.. not the listeners though. They don't care less.

ricky: No the listeners don't care 'cause, 'cause, 'cause they don't care who stands in, d'you know (what) I mean?

steve: Incidentally, what frequency is Magic?

ricky: It's 105.4

steve: Worth checking out 'cause I am a great..

ricky: Heart is 106.2, I think.. virgins, no virgins 105 point uhhh.

steve: Another good station.

ricky: What is that? 105.8 which is, which is good.

steve: Yeah, well check Press for details, or watch some cable TV. There's some good stuff on.

ricky: Yeah, kiss is 100, that's easy to

ricky: Remember.

steve: Ummm, there's a new Ride album out, gentlemen, I think you're probably quite excited. It's..

ricky: (singing) London's Heart 106.2

steve: Um, its released on the 4th of August and it's all the BBC Sessions, all the stuff that Ride did over the years for..

ricky: (radio voice) Virgin! 105.8

steve: For BBC and this is one of them. It's called Time of Her Time. I think it was from the album Going Back Again. It's very good. Play it, Karl.

steve: I played that for Pippa who requested some Ride. That's from a new compilation called Waves, and it's the BBC recordings that Ride made during the 90s and I think that was originally recorded for BBC Radio 1. That's a good station.

ricky: A bloody good station.

steve: That's good station if you're interested

ricky: Radio 1. So one of the

steve: I think they pay quite well as well.

ricky: Well, I enjoyed working for them.

steve: I know we used to work for them for a period of time and then..

ricky: Until we got fired for slagging off

steve: Simon Mayo.

ricky: Think it was Simon Mayo. D'you remember that?

steve: Can't quite remember it.

ricky: Well we used to do this thing, Mary Anne Hobbs, at night and we, we were getting a bit busy and so we were constantly handing in shoddier and shoddier work. Right, we used to hand it like that and hand it to him.

steve: A theme, there.

ricky: A theme, I know. Yeah. And to the point where they kept going "Oh" like every other week they'd go:

bbc radio 1 (ricky): We couldn't put it out

ricky: Why?

bbc radio 1 (ricky): Well, 'cause it was the most offensive or it wasn't audible or it was twaddle or you didn't record it.

ricky: You know, there was things like that. And then, there, the um. I think the uhh, the straw that broke the camel's back was Simon Mayo had just broken the World Guinness World Record for DJing and we were going "Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah . In the air-conditioned studio with loads of scrotes getting cappuccinos for him. That's not work. Our dad used to bin walls, build walls, you know, that's work. Not sitting down. If he wants to break a record for work.. and we went off some things like I know

ricky: We were going "We know birds you do

ricky: Lezza stuff to feed their smack addiction.

steve: Yeah

ricky: That's work. I want to see Mayo on his knees outside McDonald's giving a rent boy a blow job and all this sort of stuff.

steve: I want to see him hanging up in some kind of leather strap.

ricky: In a tor- Amsterdam torture garden with 13 blokes jizzing on him all with beards.

karl: Yeah, yeah. But why, why aren't you still there?

steve: Ohhh happy days

ricky: I think the producer at the time said "Oh, we can't" I said "Why not?" it went, I said "We're not saying he did it. We're saying we'd like to see him do it."

ricky: Right? And she went "He's a Christian."

steve: All the (inaudible)

steve: Well we were talking about, earlier about a friend. You say you don't like making new friends. Do you, you're kind of repulsed by the idea of new friends 'cause it's too much responsibility. They might phone you up. They might ask you for a favor. They might need a shoulder to cry on. You don't want any of that responsibility, any of that concern but I'll tell you what's worse than making new friends is when old acquaintances come out of the past.

ricky: Oooh, pop up?

steve: It really unnerves me, I, because I'm constantly bumping into people who I just don't recognize.

ricky: I know

steve: I always got this..

steve: Urge to be polite. I can never just go "I don't know who you are.".

ricky: Nor can I.

steve: I've always got to pretend...

ricky: I wa- I - I look for clues.

steve: Mm.

ricky: When they say "Are you still, uh, dunno...", I go "Yeah", so I go "Right!" *incoherent noises* "- and what about so-and-so?" I go, "So... those two people - zoom - and it's like a -"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "- zoosh - sort in my brain, going "Oh, they must - I must know them from so-and-so!"

steve: Yeah. Well I we-, I went, I went back to Bristol once and I remember, um, walking to the bus stop and seeing someone I recognised from school and walking all the way to the next bus stop just so I don't have to stand there and make conversation...

ricky: I know.

steve: Cause, I just thought I've got nothing.

ricky: Well, it's the conversation is the worse bit.

steve: I didn't know you then!

ricky: If you mo-

ricky: Ha! Yeah, yeah.

steve: What can we talk about? We've got nothing in common except the fact that we went to the same school.

ricky: I know.

steve: I was on the train station platform fairly recently and a guy comes over, he goes "Ooh, Steve! How's it going, mate?" and I looked at him stone-faced - I had no idea who it was. But of course, I had to go "Good mate, good. How are you?". And you, and I, kind of, I had a newspaper and I kept looking at the newspaper thinking "Every time I look at this newspaper it's a clue for you to just walk away."

ricky: Oh, God!

steve: But he never took the clue. He never took it. So, I'd just - I'd say "Oh yeah, not bad, not bad."

ricky: Oh!

steve: And read the paper and he'd go...

steve: "*Sigh*... where you livin' at the moment?" so I'd tell him and he'd say...

ricky: Yeah...

steve: And I'd look at the paper again... "Ooh, do you still know, um..."

ricky: B-but that's - when - when you know who they are it's just as bad cause they go "Oh, we should have a drink some time!" and you want to go "Uh, I - I'll be honest, look. If I wanted to get in touch with you I had loads of opportunities. I've had every day from now right back to the last 15 years I could of made contact. I didn't."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: "It's easy."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Take that as a clue." Um...

steve: Incidentally...

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: If you are listening to this and you perhaps know me from school or university...

ricky: Yeah! Yeah!

steve: ..thinking of getting in touch?

steve: Do not bother.

ricky: Ditto! Ditto!

steve: I do not need your friendship. I've got enough friends.

ricky: Better ones!

steve: Better friends.

steve: I have a number of better friends that I prefer. The reason I've not kept in touch is because I don't really like you.

ricky: You've moved onwards and upwards.

steve: I've moved on. I know people now the likes of which have won major awards.

ricky: Ricky Gervais to name but one! He's happy!

steve: Ricky Gervais. As you can see he's sat right here right next to me now.

ricky: That's all the friendship a man needs.

steve: If you have - if you have one four BAFTA's?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Then give me a bell. If you have not, kindly stay in your little - in - underneath your particular rock!

steve: Because we're not interested. We have kept you out of our lives for a reason. I did not accidentally lose your number.

steve: When I promised to send you a letter it did not - it did not get lost in the post. Nothing gets lost in the post.

ricky: Oh... Yeah, exactly. Karl, what do you think of that?

karl: It's alright.

karl: B-but I'm - I'm honest with them though. When I see them.

steve: Sure.

karl: Do you know what I mean? I just say "I don't know who you are. Can't remember ya. Not bothered."

steve: "I'm not bothered"!

karl: Know what I mean?

ricky: Oh, that is genius!

karl: Anyway, bit of Darkness?

ricky: Oh, well. I've got to play this. Now. Be. Be warned. This is a rock ballad off of the new Darkness album. I, I love the - love the album. And I know it's a bit "cheek in tongue", it's got shades of Def Leppard, right? But there's lovely balalaika bit in it and it's quite a nice song and it's the Darkness and then they can get away with this sort of thing for at least another four months.

steve: Oh... Radio One.

ricky: Cardigans, 'You're The Storm' on XFM 104.9. If anyone from Heart or Magic or Radio 1 or Radio 2 is listening, could well be available come October. Alright.

steve: Yep. Please get in touch.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Umm, I think that my new TV is too big Rick.

ricky: I said that-

steve: I know. I don't know what I was thinking.

ricky: -when you bought it. But I, I, I can't believe it. He talked about this - buying it. He's got a bit of cash now of course, and ahh what is it, 42 inches?

steve: Hmm

ricky: 42 inch plasma screen. What'd it cost you three grand or something?

steve: Well don't tell 'em. That, that's delush.

ricky: Well its ridiculous.

steve: Three and a half. Three and a half grand.

ricky: Three and a half grand. Big spender. 'Course it's too big.

steve: Well, I can't get far enough back in my room. In my living room for it.

ricky: You know, you know it four - you're meant to be I think four times the screen size away from it.

steve: Really?

ricky: To get optimum, yeah. So that's four times 42 inches you're meant to be sitting away from it, which is impossible.

steve: Yeah. Well, I'll have to just get friendly with the neighbours.

ricky: Yeah, watch it through a hatch.

karl: If, if that's the case though, aren't you better off just getting a portable.

steve: What?

karl: I don't understand that rule.

ricky: To get -

karl: What, what you saying?

ricky: Well you're meant to be four times the screen size away from the TV.

karl: But then what's the point of having a big telly if you gotta keep moving further back. Get a portable, and sit nearer.

steve: - and sit right next to it.

karl: Is that how they sell it? Is that what you say to you?

ricky: Well no, it's a rule. But I see, I do see your point. Why do people go to the cinema then?

karl: Cause you see films that aren't out yet.

steve: (laughs) Fair enough, he's got you there.

karl: Done.

steve: I tell you this though, I had it delivered and umm, I - are you supposed to tip delivery men?

ricky: Of course you are. Well, well if-

steve: I don't know you see. I've never had anything delivered before. I've never spent that much money.

ricky: Well, not if it's a courier with an envelope. But if it's a bloke who's struggled up the stairs. Two fat blokes with a fridge, then give him a fiver for a drink. But-

steve: But the problem was I didn't realize and I was thinking to myself, "I wonder if I've got tip him?" And the guy was leaving, and my mobile phone went off in my pocket.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I reach in to get it, he put his hand out thinking it was a tip. I went, I went, "It's just my phone."

ricky: Oh.

steve: Then so, I felt terrible after he left. I didn't know, I what, what was I gonna do run down the street and offer him a fiver.

ricky: No, no.

steve: Of course not, I'm not made of money. I just spent it all on a TV.

ricky: (Snorting laugh) Yeah I got no money mate.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I just spent it all on this.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I just had to clean out my jar, everything.

steve: Exactly

ricky: The drawers.

steve: Yeah, and take some, yeah, bottles back.

ricky: What, what you, what.

steve: The problem was it took me forever to wire it in. I thought I'm not going to pay for someone to wire it up, you know. So it took me about three hours to wire it in and it was huge. And I got it switched on, and the first program that was on when I got it switched on was Bargain Hunt.

steve: I'll tell you this, David Dickinson's tan almost took my eyeballs out.

ricky: Was it?

steve: Ahh, it was incredible. Oh it was like, its like x-rays. Its extraordinary, the glow.

ricky: So close. I know, this huge plasma screen with this orange thing coming at ya. (jshhh) And he keeps, and he keeps turning to the camera doesn't he?

steve: Yeah. Of course. With that grin.

ricky: Just to get ya. Yeah, he turns away, you get a bit closer. They go, "what's he doing?" And he just turns around, takes the cornea off.

steve: What do you think? Bargain Hunters, Bargain Hunters, Bargain Hunters.

ricky: Oh dear. Well that's why I'd buy a plasma screen, to watch Bargain Hunt.

steve: -To watch Bargain Hunt. I mean, it's ludicrous. This is the problem because you yeah, what do you watch?

karl: I mean, have you watched anything that's been worth having?

steve: The only thing I've watched, really, worth watching-

ricky: 24.

steve: Well, yeah 24 works great. But also films obviously, that's the main reason I bought it, because films just look amazing. On-

ricky: Yeah, DVD on, on the plasma screen.

karl: See that's it if you're into films and that. It's just that I only. You know, I've just got the, got the five channels and flicking about. And I'm not impressed. I mean I can understand why more people listen to radio and stuff.

ricky: Yeah, well not this one, but go on.

karl: Well, when was it. When was ahh, the last time I sort of sat down and had time. Cause I'm always busy doing stuff.

karl: Busy doing stuff and that.

ricky: Sure. Moaning takes up about three hours a day.

karl: When did- when did Wimbledon, uh, finish?

ricky: Couple weeks ago.

karl: Right. Found meself sat there, right, and I'm not having a go - I know we stopped Cheeky Freak of the Week and all that.

ricky: Christ.

karl: So I'm not gonna be having a go.

ricky: Christ almighty, I'm scared.

karl: No, I'm not having a go, you've always gotta remember that. I'm just telling what's going on in my mind.

ricky: Go on, just get on with it - get on with it and I'll apologize after.

karl: I'm just saying - watching Wimbledon, it wasn't, uh, you know, one of the major games, it was, uh...

ricky: Right.

karl: Little fellas in a... in a wheelchair having a game.

ricky: "Little fellas in a wheelchair."

steve: Right.

karl: But, for me - I mean, you know, great, they're doing a sport and everything.

karl: Don't put it on the telly.

ricky: What was up with it?

karl: It wasn't- there wasn't, like, a rally goin' on.

ricky: Oh, god...

karl: No, do you know what I mean?

ricky: Oh, Christ.

karl: You know, normally, like, with the- well, not Tim Henman, but...

karl: With some of the other players and that, they're playing for ages, aren't they?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's like "Oh, who's gonna win this?" and that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: None of that. It was just like: hit it - net.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: No, yeah yeah yeah, I understand.

ricky: Oh, god!

karl: There's never anything on.

ricky: "XFM in the community."

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Can anyone confirm, actually, I had an e-mail earlier, uh...

ricky: Swingball!

karl: No, I'm not having a go though. Tell 'em. This is what I'm like aren't I?

ricky: Sorry, this is recording you as well - what do you mean "I'm not having a go, tell 'em"?

ricky: What do you think you just said that to me, that- you think you haven't got a microphone?

ricky: You just said, to London, "keep wheelchair sport off the telly 'cause they can't get a rally going."

ricky: Oh, Christ. Oh, god. I don't know what to do!

karl: And people- people were like sat there watching it as well. When they've got other games going on in there - that's what I couldn't understand.

karl: If you've paid your money to get in.

ricky: Oh, god.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I mean, like I say, good on 'em if they- do you know what I mean?

karl: But it would have been...

ricky: And they all start first in the marathon.

karl: I just thought it would've- you know, give 'em a game of swingball or something.

ricky: You call 'em "little fellas in wheelchairs", what- and I'm meant to go "what Karl meant was..."

ricky: What- I mean what?

ricky: They can hear you as well!

karl: Yeah I know, it's just that they might think that I'm having a go, and I don't want 'em to - that's why I stopped Cheeky Freak of the Week, 'cause some people got the wrong end of the stick.

ricky: Right.

karl: And what have ya.

ricky: What, that it was funny that a woman was born with deformed legs, they might think you were taking the mick?

steve: So anyway, I just was wondering if anyone could confirm - we had an e-mail earlier, I forget who sent it in, but thanks very much indeed for it.

steve: They said that the paralympics began this week, and apparently what- during the opening show...

steve: The entertainment was provided by Riverdance.

steve: Now, I don't know- uh, I don't know if that- I can neither confirm nor deny that. But it does seem rather tactless.

steve: Let's play a tune - Ricky Gervais - ricky dot gervais at xfm

ricky: Don't put my name to this last link! Don't put my name to this last link!

steve: Ricky dot gervais at xfm dot co dot uk.

ricky: Ah.

steve: Magic, Virgin, if you're listening, we are available probably sooner than we thought.

ricky: Making plans for Nigel XTC on Xfm 104.9. Well, you seem a little bit happier... No?

karl: Yeah, yeah, it was it was all right. I'm a bit worried, ab- like I said, the last thing, that we just talked about. I don't want people thinking, you know, we're having a go at anyone because that... it does do me head in

ricky: What?

karl: Because I'm the one that when I was asked to deal with it as well when people do

ricky: What?!

karl: You know, we're just talking having a chat about tennis and stuff.

ricky: Yeah, the little fellows in the wheelchair as you put it.

karl: Yeah...

ricky: What you worried about?

karl: Just that they'll think we're having a go on and that because sometimes I do have to take calls and deal with it all this stuff, right? You don't see that you don't see the hassle I have to go through.

ricky: No, but I don't often say things where I'm likely to get a complaint from someone...

karl: Yeah but I'm just saying it wasn't meant to be taken... badly - d'you know what I mean?

ricky: You're allowed to say you thought that the quality of tennis - because they were confined to a wheelchair - was poorer than say Sampras versus Agassi.

ricky: I don't think that's in question. It wasn't as good a game of tennis. That's what all you're saying. You weren't saying. They shouldn't play or...

karl: Wreck the grass. right mess.

ricky: Well stop while you're ahead!

karl: No no, I'm just saying as well... just...

steve: I can confirm incidentally we've had several emails. I can't confirm that Riverdance opened the Paralympics in Dublin recently. So, I'm sure that was very good.

karl: Leave it then...

steve: Yeah. No, I'm sure it was entertaining. They're very good.

ricky: Who was it the thought... was is it Jimmy that thought...

ricky: It was short for paraplegic Olympics?

steve: Really? I've no idea.

ricky: Yeah, it's pa... it's parallel Olympics.

steve: (inaudible )

ricky: Yeah, but as we pointed out that would be pretty much.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Blow football.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: There wouldn't be many sports in the paraplegic Olympics. It stands for parallel Olympics. I'M EDUCATING KARL! DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, I'M EDUCATING! I'm not saying funny little fellas in wheelchairs playing in the grass!

karl: (tries to talk over ricky)

ricky: WHAT?

karl: I'm always educating and I'm always telling you about stuff that I learn about and that.

ricky: That you get of ananova and it's about a monkey who became king!

karl: No...

ricky: NO?! Have you got monkey news this week?

karl: Got a little bit of monkeynews coming up.

ricky: What did he do drive to Spain? Rob a bank or get married?

karl: No, we're done. We've done all them.

ricky: (laughs)

karl: We have done all them.

ricky: Yeah, but you know.

karl: It's a good one. It's a good one. And in fact is a bit related to what we've been talking about.

ricky: (worried) Oh my God.

karl: That's good...

steve: Last week after your nervous breakdown. You went to Hastings. Can I ask why the hell did you go to Hastings? It's so arbitrary.

karl: What you mean?

steve: Why go Hastings?

ricky: You lost him on "Arbitrary". Why did you choose that above all other places within...?

steve: It's amazing, isn't it? You look at his face when you say a word, you know, he does understand and it just goes dead.

ricky: Yes!

steve: It's like when a your computer freezes.

ricky: Yeah. It is like it is like that, yeah. Is there is there an equivalent to control-alt-delete when karl just doesn't understand something you have to press... like knob, bollock, finger up arse. It takes him out of his sort of stupid doesn't it?

steve: Now that's three things to Press we've only got two hands so

ricky: Well. Yeah I know... God what would I do. so I'd have - hold on - the thumb... the thumb of right and pop that up his arse. I'd have my volume index finger of my left hand on his knob. How would I press his testicles, what would I use I have to use some other part.

steve: Should we try it?

ricky: Yeah, lets go and have him.

karl: (away from microphone) no come on. sit down... sit down.

steve: (away from microphone) I just think it's time we had a little kiss.

ricky: (laughs)

karl: I've already had a little... uhh...

ricky: What happened Karl?

karl: (away from microphone) What are you doing?!

steve: I'm just going to give you a little kiss! for the webcam...

karl: Alright, hurry up then!

steve: Alright, on the- on the lips!

karl: No, no! No.

steve: Oh, come on!

steve: I love it, 'cause he hates it so much.

karl: You wouldn't get that, Radio 1.

steve: But it means I could've kissed Chris Moyles.

ricky: What?!

steve: I could've kissed Chris Moyles on Radio 1.

ricky: Moylesy, give Moylesy a little kiss for all his good work.

steve: Do you enjoy that?

karl: Yeah, it's good, yeah.

ricky: What happened to Chris Moyles' show? Is it not on anymore?

steve: On the TV?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: No...

steve: Turns out he was too fat and talentless.

steve: Um, do you want to tell us about Hastings?

karl: Where did that come from?!

steve: Eh?

steve: What?

karl: ...yeah, Hastings. It's, uh... it's alright, yeah.

karl: Uh...

steve: What's there?

karl: Not much. It was just one of them places-

steve: Is there a beach?

karl: Yeah, yeah, I think that's what's good about it. Nobody knows, right, 'cause last weekend it was roasting and you saw pictures of Brighton.

steve: Mm.

karl: And it was heaving.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right? Hastings - hardly anyone there. And yet it's got a nice little beach.

steve: Yeah. Sand? Sandy beach?

karl: No, pebbles. But that's alright, innit?

steve: Well, no.

steve: Why don't you want sand? Of course you want sand.

ricky: It's murder building a sand castle.

karl: No, no, you just sit there.

steve: Yeah, but you can't walk on pebbles, can you? It's-

karl: What'd you mean?

steve: Well, it's all kind of- it's, sort of a bit, you know, dodgy underfoot.

karl: Nah, it was alrite. The only annoying thing is, right, they've- it's one of them places that is great to visit for a day.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But I wonder how people who live there get by.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Why?

karl: Because all the shops are like them things you go in, and it's like a little pebble, with a pebble stuck on the top, and "This is Hastings" on it.

karl: Every shop does that. If you want bread and milk you-

steve: You're done for.

karl: It's murder.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: There must be a supermarket!

karl: I didn't see any. Seriously, it's all novelty things like that.

karl: And then when I got back into London-

ricky: Think of their houses!

steve: Yeah, right?

ricky: Just covered in pebbles and, like, seashells and stuff.

steve: "Oh, not rock for tea again!"

karl: But the funny thing is, right. It's the first time I sort of noticed somewhere like that, when you go "what do you do if, you know, just want some Brillo pads or whatever."

karl: I'm walking in London-

ricky: Never concerned me, that.

steve: No.

ricky: Never needed Brillo pads in me life.

karl: No, but you know what I mean - the sort of things that are a bit tricky to find, but in London, you know, you've got a coverage.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Now, the weird thing is, I was walking home from, we went and had a drink the other night, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Walking down the road, and there was a shop, that just sold - in London - just sold chess pieces.

ricky: Yeah. Is that the one on Great Portland Street?

karl: 'round the corner from it.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: But that's... I think that's mental!

steve: I remember being in Brighton once, and seeing a shop, and all it sold was the foam you put inside cushions.

ricky: Yeah, there's one of those up Pentonville Road.

steve: But I don't know who opens a shop like that!

ricky: I know where these things are!

steve: There's a whole other market.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: What was that shop we walked past yesterday? And it was like something, really, really- oh, um, uh, chef uniform shop!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I'll tell you what I'll open a chef uniform- mainly sort of checked trousers and white hats!

ricky: But there must be a lot of chefs around! I'm eating all the time, someone's making the food!

steve: Yeah.

karl: The funny thing is on the chess shop, right, the must not have been doing that well.

karl: And someone must've- you know, the businesses must've- the bosses must've been sat there goin' "not really working this, is it?"

ricky: Yeah, "people only buy one chess set."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ... in their life.

steve: Yes.

karl: Right. Yeah, but the funny thing is on the door it just said "come in and browse"...

karl: ... which I thought was odd.

ricky: Did you?

karl: No, it was shut. Right.

karl: But the funny thing is... the funny thing is, right, so you can imagine them sat there going "oh, not doing that well", and it's changed, they've actually changed the name of the shop now.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And now it says "Chess and Bridge".

steve: Right, they've had to expand it.

karl: So they've opened it up a little bit.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But still.

ricky: What do you buy for bridge? If not a pack of cards.

karl: I dunno. I don't know.

ricky: I don't know, I don't play bridge. But I don't know... I don't think you need a lot of stuff for bridge except a pack of cards.

steve: I remember going, when I was on...

ricky: A table. Three friends. Go on.

steve: ... on holiday once in Devon, past a shop. I don't know, if you ever need it - if you ever need an antique marionette...

steve: ... let me know 'cause I know where there's a shop.

ricky: Okay, yeah.

steve: Antique marionettes!

ricky: I know.

steve: Again, you only need one, unless you're a collector.

ricky: But I wanna know who goes into this business. "Well son, what are you doing?" "Going to university to do law, father." "Well, there's a factory there that makes the little plastic bits that goes on the end of chair legs. Do you wanna take it over for me?" ...

ricky: ... "Well not really, no." "It's all set up!"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "It's all set up!" "Oh... alright Dad, but just for a couple of years."

steve: Someone's gotta make them.

ricky: I know.

steve: Someone's gotta make the little plastic bits that go on the end of chairs.

ricky: Well if you make them, call us on 1234-9734.

karl: Weird though, innit. Weird.

ricky: Weird though, innit.

karl: Right listen, Songs of Phrase answers next, we'll get that out of the way?

steve: Well I'll tell you what, play it once more so that people have got a chance to actually enter.

karl: Hang on.

steve: If you can be bothered.

karl: Keep talking, keep talking, keep talking.

steve: Oh, I can't be bothered.

ricky: It should be ready, Karl. This is terrible.

karl: Right. Here we go.

karl: Alright.

ricky: That is the well-known phrase "Daddy's never gonna stop robbing telephone box".

ricky: The well-known phrase.

steve: And we're looking for the songs. I think. I don't care.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Libertines on XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, over there is Karl K-Man Pilkers!

karl: Alright.

ricky: I'd be great for Heart, wouldn't I?

steve: You really would. You really would.

ricky: Virgin I'd be... BBC Radio 2'd be my fir... or 1. Late-night 1...

steve: It's a great station.

ricky: ... would be good.

steve: All good stations. All professional stations.

ricky: Yeah. Four weeks to go...

steve: All have an audience. All have an audience.

ricky: ... four weeks to go before we may give up, or we may come back. Who knows? ...

ricky: ... It's all up to Karl K-Man Pilkoids.

steve: Can I just extend an apology? I was a little bit crass earlier and I made some unsavoury remarks about Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles. I'd like to apologise.

ricky: Funny man... funny man, Chris Moyles.

steve: I would like to apologise for that but it gave me an idea - you, the listeners, who do you hate?

steve: Um... email in: ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. I just think that we've never really used XFM as a kind of... well, as a research tool really. And it seems to me that we got... we can get a great opportunity here...

ricky: And it's this... we don't sort of do this thing... we don't go on air and sort of like slag off other people and people in the public eye. Well... we sort of, we pick on targets that are...

steve: That can't fight back.

ricky: Helpless. The elderly... you know, people suffering in some way. That really... and particularly, we don't want to pick on people like Chris Moyles who's got a big platform - much bigger platform...

steve: Exactly. We want people who can't answer back.

ricky: Yeah, we want... yeah. So um... who do you hate?

steve: But that's us. That's us. Who do you hate? And we don't want... I don't want people you went to school with, or your boss...

ricky: Do you know who I hate, Steve?

steve: Who do you hate, Rick?

ricky: Right, my top three... it's only the top three...

ricky: ... would be Hitler...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ... Mussolini and General Pinochet.

steve: Really?

ricky: No... probably Moylesy, Harry Potter and Jamie Oliver.

steve: Nice.

ricky: But what are your top three?

steve: Now, don't make them comical, don't make them... These are the people that wind you up. When you see them on TV, if you hear them on the radio, if you see them in a magazine, they just... they make your kind of blood boil.

ricky: It might be us.

steve: It could be us.

ricky: Well, I... we know that...

steve: I mean, I'm expecting that.

ricky: Yeah! We're not stupid.

steve: We could take it as read that it's us...

ricky: Yeah...

steve: ... and then if anyone other than us...

ricky: ... in fact yeah, let's assume it's us and we want other people. Yeah.

steve: Yeah. But we just... I want to draw up the top list... the top five people...

ricky: And I don't want to hear things like Tony Blair and Jeffrey Archer and fascism.

steve: No.

ricky: Just people who make your flesh crawl for no... for no fault of their own, really.

steve: Well, sometimes their own...

ricky: Yeah. Yeah...

steve: ... because they're, you know, talentless or fat.

ricky: But that'd be good, that'd be a good long... long-term poll, wouldn't it? Over the next four weeks, and then in four weeks time when we go, we'll go "well, we're off. We're in the top ten..."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: "... but here are the other nine."

steve: So I... I think it's just genuinely gonna be quite interesting. So ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk.

ricky: Maybe who you hate and why. It's like giving a reason in the diary room.

steve: Yeah. That might be quite good.

ricky: You can't just nominate someone, you've gotta say "and why".

steve: Sure.

ricky: You know.

steve: But if you can't be bothered to write "and why", just nominate.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: 'Cause it means... just, we've got a lot of reading to do if they start doing that, Rick.

ricky: Yeah...

steve: Keep it down to one sentence.

ricky: Yeah... You know, so the reason'd be... so-and-so 'cause they can't walk. Something like that...

steve: Sure.

ricky: ... maybe.

steve: Now then, we were playing earlier Songs of Phrase. Um, we have had... I mean, the answers, I could literally count on the fingers of one hand.

steve: Um... now the right answers, even less so. But um...

steve: ... do you wanna play it once more, Karl?

ricky: Oh, God...

karl: There was, um...

karl: ... seven songs in there.

steve: Right.

ricky: Read them out. Go on, what are they?

karl: It was, uh...

ricky: Oh, have you not got them written down?

karl: No, I can remember them. Daddy Cool, right?

ricky: Boney M.

karl: Boney M.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Um... never gonna...

ricky: Give you up...

karl: ... was from Rick Astley.

ricky: Rick Astley.

karl: Yeah.

karl: Um...

ricky: Write 'em down!

karl: Stop - Sam Brown.

ricky: Right.

karl: "Robbin'" was Miss Robinson by Simon & Garfunkel.

ricky: Mrs Robinson.

karl: Yeah. Uh, hang on a minute... never gonna stop robbin'...

karl: "From". From Russia with Love - Matt Monro.

ricky: Right.

karl: "Telephone". Telephone, Hanging On The Telephone - Blondie.

karl: And then "box"... Living In A Box...

ricky: ... by Living In A Box. Brilliant.

steve: Well, listen, no one... I don't think anyone got them all right...

ricky: No.

steve: ... if you did get them all right, I'm sorry but I gave up checking the emails a long, long time ago. So um... I'm gonna give it...

steve: ... I'm gonna give it to Michelle Flower 'cause she got a few of them right.

steve: So well done Michelle.

karl: She got a lot right there actually, well done.

ricky: Good, well done.

steve: She got five out of seven so well done, Michelle, and you get all those great prizes. Incidentally, um... we mentioned that Stargate SG-1...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ... I'm sure you'll look forward to that, Michelle...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ... that features uh... Richard Dean Anderson. Had a lot of emails, people saying "is that the same Richard Dean Anderson, or Dicky Anders, that used to email in saying he loved the show?"

ricky: What's happened to Dicky Anders?

steve: Now I've not heard from Dicky for ages. So, Dicky, if you're listening, Richard Anderson, if anyone knows Richard Anderson, what's happened to him?

ricky: I think we know his top three.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

steve: So...

steve: So Umm, yeah Dicky Anders, if you're, if you're still out there get in touch with...

ricky: Anders! Anders! Little tosser... Alright? Wayyy... Anders!

karl: I was just going to say, you know, you talk about people who annoy you and that?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Not many, sort of, celebrities annoy me because I think - well some people like them. You know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But things that affect me like the builders.

ricky: You're a philsopher. Go on.

karl: Builders annoy me. Right?

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And you could say that's a bit of stereotyping, but all the people we have met who've been Builders have always annoyed me. Right? So thats...

ricky: That's because they've been working on your house, in your space. I mean, that's not - that's all the builders that have been around your flat and making a noise when you're trying to get some sleep have annoyed you.

karl: Hm, but that...

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: But also someone in the office in the week, right, works there - good lad named Lenny, right? Called Lenny. Err, he proposed to his Missus and using Xfm.

steve: Live on air?

karl: So he popped in, popped in on Zoe's show. Right? His girlfriend sat out there. She didn't know what was going on.

karl: She was asked to come in.

ricky: Even she wasn't listening and she was out there. She probably had a Walkman on or something.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Just-just that thing.

steve: She was listening to Johno!

steve: He faxed Johno with the request.

ricky: "Dead Johno I'm broadcasting from Xfm at the moment".

steve: "My girlfriend's listening to you".

ricky: Oh God... (singing) "London's heart 106.2".

karl: It's just that thing of, like, abusing your position I think annoys me.

ricky: Yep

karl: Because if he - I just was thinking if he worked for a cab company, would have done that over?

ricky: That's one, that's one of my hates. People who abu... do you know what I hate? Dictators have just sort of like they've got there by unfair means now they're sort of like hurting, like, little people and that.

steve: Really?

ricky: Yeah. That's what I... hate the... most.

steve: You know what I don't like?

ricky: What?

steve: Famine. It winds me right up.

steve: Famine and disease. Ohh, I get so annoyed with it! Tune from Wilko this is called "I'm a man who loves you" from their album "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot". Xfm 104.9. Who do you hate? ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk

ricky: Fascists...

ricky: Isn't that brilliant? Evan Dando - All my life. Beautiful... on Xfm. 104.9 - Well that's nearly it. It's the big one. It's what people tune in for. At... they probably tune in about ten to these days. For Monkey News with Karl Pilkington.

steve: Can we hear the jingle?

ricky: Only four to go. "Oh chimpanzee that, monkey news!"

karl: Right? This one's about a - It's been emailed into me right. Haven't really had time to check it out this week.

ricky: No you're joking!

karl: Been busy.

ricky: Ohhhh, I hope it's not stupid.

karl: Errr, goes back to 1908 and the person saying it's, you know, it's a good story in that and a bit surprised I haven't picked up on it yet. Right? Err, the Olympics right, in 1908, in London. Apparently it was meant to happen in in Italy, but it was canceled. Don't know why.

karl: Right, and it happened in London. Anyway, 400 metres. Right it was meant to- there was a fella who's- who was gonna do this run, right? And the favourite to win it was this Bulgarian guy, right who was like a-

ricky: Right, okay, these are a few things it cannot be. One: he injures himself so a monkey steps in and wins. Uh, two: he does a drugs test, it turns out that he IS a monkey. Um, so, if it's either of those right, I'm gonna go mad.

karl: So anyway, so the fella right this this favourite, everyone's putting their money on him thinking yeah he's gonna do it-

ricky: Is he hairy? Is this bloke hairy?

karl: So anyway, so the race happens.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And everybody's lined up, ready to run. And you know, everybody's saying yeah he's gonna win he's gonna win. Then suddenly, bit of murmuring going on. People are going 'ah what's going on here?'

ricky: Hmm, he's eating a banana, what's?

karl: And there's a fella, there's a fella in the lane next to him,

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right. He's going: 'Who's that, he don't look familiar'?

ricky: Oh Christ Karl.

steve: Keep going.

karl: Alright, doesn't look familiar, who's he?

ricky: Yeah, weird, weird innit?

karl: What's going on? What's going on? What's going on?

ricky: Yeah, yeah, what is it? What is it? Who is it? I mean, not what is it.

karl: So they're going...

karl: So they say 'Well it might not be that any good.' Do you know what I mean? They might not be good. He might just...

ricky: Bit short isn't he?

karl: Doesn't matter, doesn't-

ricky: He's only three foot six, and he's hunched over on his knuckles so uh...

steve: I didn't realise it was fancy dress.

ricky: Yeah, I don't think he's gonna be any good.

karl: So, so the race starts.

ricky: Oh he's putting his finger up his arse, that's weird for a runner to do that before a race. It's weird innit, yeah.

karl: Race starts, the fella that no one recognises wins it. People go 'what what what's gone on here?'

steve: Yeah, sure.

karl: D'ya know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We had our money on the favourite, what's gone on?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Who is this guy?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Anyway, he's stood up there. Right. He's looking well happy.

steve: Yeah.

karl: He's lifting the trophy and everything.

steve: Right...

ricky: Long arms, long arms, that trophy's higher than-

karl: So, anyway.

ricky: He's only three foot, but the trophy's nine foot in the air with those long arms, I'm suspicious. Go on.

karl: They have the, they have the picture in the paper the next day.

steve: Sure.

karl: And everyone's going 'yeah he was fast and everything but... quite hairy for a runner.'

ricky: Ah for f... I tell you what Karl.

steve: Come on, come on.

karl: Quite quite hairy-

ricky: This is ridiculous.

karl: -for a runner. Cause normally they shave themselves, don't they? To make em faster.

ricky: No!

karl: They're going 'How did he manage it? He's really hairy and that.' So anyway, he wins the stuff, he walks away with a cup. The people, who were in charge of the running or like the uh, the Olympic committee look further into it. Turns out it was a chimp.

steve: Right, keep talking.

ricky: No don't keep talking.

steve: Shut up! Shut UP! This is Monkey News! If you can't handle the news-

ricky: It's news from 1909 and I haven't heard about a chimp winning the Olympics.

steve: Alright, be quiet.

ricky: What happened there then?

karl: 400 metres, right. Now-

ricky: Don't talk SHIT!

steve: Please, Ricky.

karl: The annoying thing was, it took so long for the Olympic committee, right, to find out that it was a monkey. It was going m- it was like- it was going manic, it went in to loads of races, it was picking up loads of like awards-

ricky: Oh SHUT UP!!!

karl: Right.

steve: It became a celebrity.

steve: It was doing, it was doing endorsements on TV.

ricky: Don't. Talk. Shit.

karl: Uh, it said uh it managed to win-

ricky: Right.

karl: The same race four years later in Athens because-

steve: How did it get to Athens!?

ricky: Well it's a- it's a JOKE, they're winding you up, Karl!

karl: Weird.

ricky: It's not weird.

karl: Weird, innit.

ricky: It's in- right. I do not believe it. Well, that's... okay. There's only three of them to go then.

ricky: Because we're probably all leaving in four weeks time. And that's the end. I am, I've gotta get onto a, sort of, mainstream radio station 'cause there's, I don't think there's any other sort of tin-pot place like this, is there?

steve: No

ricky: So I'm gonna clear up me act a little bit. I've got an album from the Capital Radio library and it's the best Punk album in the world ever. So if Capital are listening I can, I'm just gonna show that I can do a mainstream, I'll play a classic song and I'm gonna announce it right and everything, so uh..

steve: Right okay. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. If you get a job on a decent station, you'll take me with you, will you?

ricky: We're a pair.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: So, okay, here we go, right.

ricky: If anyone's listening, just to show that I can do mainstream radio, okay?

ricky: Well that's all, okay how much?

steve: You're getting nervous. You're getting nervous. Like, come on.

ricky: No no no no, okay,

steve: Shall I get a monkey in to do it?

ricky: It's alright, it's alright. Okay. Well that's about all there is time for today, you've been listening to Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant, across the way, K Man Pilkers, we're going all the way back now, a classic song from the late 1970s and this is Devo with Mongoloid.

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