XFM Vault - S02E48 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Jane's Addiction, Just Because on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. We're all here then.

steve: Oy oy.

ricky: About five past one.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Got two hours to go.

steve: I imagine you've got all kinds of treats lined up, Rick.

ricky: Well, there's lots of things on the show. Great music. You know, Nirvana, Radiohead, The Darkness to name but three.

steve: Can I play you something from Led Zeppelin later?

ricky: Yeah, please do. And maybe some Neil Young.

steve: Oh.

ricky: Um, now, coming up also on the show, we're continuing a thing we've started. We only got four weeks to go before maybe we either give it altogether or go away for a couple of months.

steve: Is it four weeks or three weeks now?

ricky: Is it three weeks? Oh, I dunno.

steve: I'm not sure.

ricky: I think it's the 16th of August, innit?

steve: Can't end soon enough.

ricky: Well, it might be that - it'd be a shame to end it forever, but it's all up to Karl to - again, he's in a grumpy mood. We're trying to up his attitude and it's - it's them, it's the listener that counts, Karl, not us. We may be feeling bad but you, the listener, count. You come first, yeah? Okay, up, up, up. Yeah? Big. Big 'em up. Big up London. Big up you, the listener. Karl, leave yourself at home for a little while, yeah? Um, we're gonna continue that thing we started last week, we were doing the list of the most hated people in Britain. It's not us, it's the listeners. So, um, keep coming with those suggestions of people you just, uh - obviously you don't hate them. We don't want a list of mass murderers, dictators and politicians. You can have them, but uh --

steve: Oh, um, mass murderers and politicians? What's the difference? Oh!

ricky: Good - good point.

steve: Oh!

ricky: Good point.

steve: Uh, satire.

ricky: Satire, yeah. No, probably that - that's - we - we do some jokes like that as well, won't we?

steve: Satire like that?

ricky: We're trying to get onto Radio 4.

steve: Trying to get on there, yeah.

ricky: And uh --

steve: If there's any kind of amusing show that perhaps takes a sideways look at the week's news.

ricky: Yeah. If there are any Radio 4 producers who are - you know, have been knocking around for about 12 years with the same old hacks and they're desperately trying to get on telly, they wanna give us a call, we're not interested!

steve: No.

ricky: No.

steve: We've got bigger fish to fry.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Um, but yeah, so if - people that you hate. Um, minor celebrities.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: People on TV, pop stars you don't like. Email in, ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. We're compiling a list.

ricky: And I'll tell you what, then we do like the - Channel 4 do, then we give you the sort of list of the top 10 at the end and you can vote within that top 10. I tell you ones that are in front though --

steve: Could we - sorry, could we wire up some kind of premium rate phone line so that we make a fortune?

ricky: We can't afford it. But if when you email in, if you could also maybe um send us a lottery ticket.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Then, you know, we'll make something out of this. The ones in the lead, and I'm no - doing no particular order, but these are the ones way out in front at the moment. It's Chris Moyles, Robbie Williams, Chris Tarrant, Davina McCall.

steve: Interesting.

ricky: I'm sort of surprised at that. But I know that it's probably just overpopularity.

steve: I think she's just been on TV too much lately.

ricky: Yeah, that t-shirt annoys me, "Big Mother".

steve: Sure.

ricky: That - that annoys me. Um, we don't care. We don't care whether you're pregnant or not. Loads of people have children. I don't care.

steve: Yeah, get on with it.

ricky: And uh, Dominic Monaghan. So, uh, there's - the - they're - I mean, but, think of your own.

steve: There's a lot of people just coming up behind there, though. Graham Norton.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He's just approaching from behind.

ricky: Graham Norton. Oh, there's the sort of stuff - it's sort of like we've done satire, we've done innuendo.

steve: We've done smut.

ricky: I mean, he's - he's the king of the double entendre.

steve: If anyone --

ricky: Well, he's the king of the single entendre but we can double it up if you want.

steve: If anyone --

ricky: 104.9, this is the sort of things we're available - go on!

steve: If any --

ricky: I'm loving this, this is gonna be good! I'm loving what's coming next, what?

steve: If any of the producers of Carry On London are listening and they need some new talent to write some smutty innuendo, I think we're your men.

ricky: Yeah. Um --

steve: Anyway.

ricky: Karl, you better press the knob, right?

steve: Oh!

ricky: To start the record, "Spunk".

steve: Ricky I know you're a Neil Young fan.

ricky: Love him.

steve: You probably won't have this album. It is basically not been available for years. It's never been available on CD before, it was part of this kind of trilogy of albums he did they were very depressing, and they've just been re-released. This is absolute dynamite. It's "On the beach", "On the beach"? Yeah. And that's the only track, "Walk on - Neil Young"

ricky: Brilliant, on Xfm 104.9. That's the sort of stuff. You've had satire, had a little bit of politics. You've had, said, well we said "Spunk"

ricky: Which is a bit naughty, isn't it?

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Which is a bit cutting edge.

steve: Rock and roll.

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, and you've had Neil Young and Jane's Addiction, so..

steve: I can't think of anything else I'd rather...

ricky: Probably quite.. down with the kids and everything, aren't we?

steve: Yeah, pretty hip, pretty wicked

ricky: Yeah, so, ohh, d'you know what else? Wish Tony Blair would just stop..

steve: Ohhhh.

ricky: ..doing what..

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ..doing stuff wrong.

steve: Good, that's good. Who else is there to have a go at? Peter Mandelson, or someone?

ricky: No!

steve: No?

ricky: No, he's good, in' he? He's good 'cause he's gay, in' he?

steve: I don't know. I don't know.

ricky: I don't know if he is. If he's not then I'm sorry, but

ricky: If he is then well done.

steve: Brilliant. Good to, all gay people good.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Any underprivileged people, you're all brilliant, but people who are overprivileged, ooh.

ricky: D'you know what I like?

steve: Go on.

ricky: Foreigners.

steve: Do you?

ricky: All the mad shit they get up to.

steve: Oh, what is..

ricky: ..see on the news. It's just interesting, innit?

steve: Yeah, yeah, crazy, some of it. Come on, [inaudible], what are you doing that for?

ricky: What are you doing that for?

steve: Weird, innit?

ricky: Killing 'n' that.

steve: So if you're listening and you work for Radio 4....

ricky: And doing good stuff! Good stuff and..

steve: Yeah. Well, yeah. Eurodisney. That's good.

steve: So anyway, that's the sort of satire 'n the, where we can kind of tear apart popular culture and just get to the very nub of it.

ricky: Yeah. Can I just leave you with this? D'you know my favorite country?

ricky: Africa.

steve: It is brilliant. It is huge. It is huge.

ricky: Not strictly a country, but, all the countries. Except the bad ones, remember the bad ones?

steve: Ohh, evil ones.

ricky: Play a record. If anyone from Radio 4 is listening.

steve: Yeah, we would like to get on some kind of satire show, please.

ricky: Longview - Further on Xfm. 104.9

steve: Ricky Gervais. Steve Merchant. Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: The Holy Trinity.

ricky: Yeah, going well, at the moment.

steve: Not bad, not bad. You were just talking about foreigns.

ricky: Love 'em.

steve: I tell you something, I've been meaning to ask you this for a while, cause I know you're very well-informed man.

ricky: Yeah, political and sort of liberal and that

steve: How does Chinese work?

ricky: The language?

steve: I can't figure it out.

ricky: No one knows.

steve: I can't figure it out!

ricky: No one knows.

steve: It's like, it's not like any other language.

ricky: No, it's not.

steve: It's..

ricky: It's not.

steve: ..you know

ricky: Either spoken or written down.. well it's not written down, it's, it's.

steve: Well when it's written down it basically looks like, kind of, little children's drawings of those little paper houses that Chinese people live in.

ricky: Well let's, it is, is, is, is, is a little.

steve: And it's loads of them, it's hundreds of them from what I can make out.

ricky: But I mean even French have a go. It's not, even the French haven't got right words, but they've got some of the..

steve: They make, they're trying to sound like English

ricky: ..right letters and they've gone (in a terrible French accent) "Oh, hello, 'ow are you?" and it's sorta, they're trying to do the words, but there's just something wrong, I think it's just, it's like a speech impediment I think.

steve: Exactly. Germans

steve: Are similar.

ricky: Yeah, Germans [inaudible], going (absolutely terrible German accent) "Ohhh, how are you?" And they're trying to do the words.

steve: They're trying to speak English.

ricky: Whereas Chinese, no effort!

steve: It's just, for want of a better word, it sounds to me, when I listen to Chinese it sounds like gobbledygook.

ricky: That is a dialect.

steve: I can't.. yeah! I can't..

ricky: That's one, that's, that's, I think that's the main dialect. That, Mandarin and Orangutan. But I mean.. that..

steve: But seriously, I mean, I can't figure it out, I just, I, there's no, I've got no grasp of how, 'cause it doesn't seem to relate to anything, like that's,

ricky: Well, it's not real words because there are sentences, like, you know we have a wo.. if we said, um, uhhh

ricky: A gentle man sits by the stream of fish.

steve: I've said it often.

ricky: Yeah, we use all the different words to each one of those words and we got a word for each of them.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They haven't they've just got I think it's like a triangle with a line through it.

steve: Right.. right right

ricky: Which can get confusing cos, you know...

steve: So 'the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog'.

ricky: That's just... I think that's like a little paper house with a feather on top.

steve: Personally this is what I love to do. I want to use the fact that we're on the radio to answer these questions properly.

ricky: Yeah! To tell me about other cultures.

steve: I would love to speak to a Chinese person.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: A Chinaman.

ricky: Well... Or a Chinamanwoman.

steve: A Chinamanwoman, either one's fine.

steve: But I just like to speak to someone ideally perhaps, you know a professor of Chinese...

ricky: Or someone who works in a chip shop but someone was actually born in Chinaland.

steve: Someone born in Chinaland.

ricky: Someone born in Chinaland - a Chinaman or a Chinamanwoman... Just to talk us through exactly what it is they're going on about.

steve: Exactly and it's not... It's just because I'm very ill informed. I've only really seen Chinese people in kung fu movies... You know?

ricky: Chinatown?

steve: Chinatown. Walking through Chinatown.

ricky: Mmm... as we've said before...

steve: Not really a town.

ricky: Not really a town.

steve: More of a novelty street.

steve: More of a novelty str- A slippery novelty street.

steve: Exactly. Yeah.

ricky: So er...

steve: Because I remember watching Kung Fu a lot. They always used to speak... They always say we speak very slowly don't they?

ricky: They do.

steve: They're very, kind of, mysterious.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Inscrutable.

ricky: They never really... They are unscrutable.

steve: You cannot scrute a Chinese.

ricky: You cannot scrute a Chinaman, or a Chinamanwoman.

steve: They are unscrutable, they are non-scrutable. If I was to go out on the street now and try and scrute a Chinaman...

ricky: You'd have no chance.

ricky: You could not scrute a Chinaman for love nor money.

steve: They are anti-scrutable.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I could possibly scrute a Chinese woman.

ricky: Well, I don't think you'd have any luck. You've had no luck.

steve: Anyway if you are a Chinaman, or a Chinamanwoman, who can just tell us basically how it works. How would you teach us the basics of Chinese if you if we were going to go to China and we wanted to interact? Why would we start? What would be the first word we would say, how would we say them? How would we write them? Please help.

ricky: This is going to run and run.

steve: What's the number Karl?

karl: 08700 800 1234

ricky: See? Proper normal... Normal talking there from Karl Pilkington.

steve: There's gotta be one person...

steve: Whole Lotta Love from Led Zeppelin. Classic.

ricky: On Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: We've not heard much from Karl this week.

ricky: We've not heard much from anyone that can speak Chinese for us either... So er, we'll knock that one on the head. I don't think we'll be learning Chinese today, Steve.

steve: What annoys me is I'm going to go out into the world still ignorant.

ricky: I know. Yeah. The only Chinese I learnt was from Benny Hill.

steve: Now Benny Hill could speak fluent Chinese.

ricky: Well, the only ones I know is er... "you silly idiot" is "you sirry iriot".

steve: Yes.

ricky: And "bloody foreigner" is "brudy foreigner".

ricky: Yeah, that's all... [unintelligible] it'll get you by in Peking but I mean... you come in, you hit a dialect... you know, your worms meat.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Karl. Yeah, we haven't heard a lot from you. But we've been going here. We've done a few features already. We've talked about different parts of the world...

steve: Do you speak any languages?

karl: Uhhh

karl: No, not really.

steve: Well still struggling with English.

karl: Yep.

steve: Yep.

ricky: Man of few words. I mean literally...

karl: So...

ricky: ...about 4,000 I think he's got.

steve: I've had a lot of emails actually, people saying Karl please don't leave, we don't want to see the show ending, blah blah blah blah. What exactly is...

ricky: And we've had a couple of calls about bringing back Cheeky Freak of the Week, and d'you know what Karl said? Bloke was on the phone, he said "Oh, bring back Cheeky Freak of the Week", he went "Can't. Not allowed". And he went "Oh, go on", he went "Well no, I had a story today,

ricky: A fella born with two dicks, but I can't do it".

steve: Sure.

ricky: Now, Karl, you cannot not do a feature about a fella born with two dicks.

karl: Well, we'll look if we need it. I mean, how much more have you got on the Chinese?

ricky: We've done that. We've nailed Chinese, we've done it. That's done. That's put to bed. Fella with two dicks please.

karl: No, we might get around to it later. But, like I say, Cheeky Freak of the Week, sort of— we've put that on hold at the moment.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Right.

karl: So, what have we got? What are we doing?

steve: Well what are you providing then, today? Have you got a quiz for us?

karl: Er, yeah we've got whatshername if you want. We've got...

steve: We've got what?!

karl: Whatshername, uhh...

steve: Whatshername?!

ricky: Don't help him...

steve: Is that a new one?

ricky: Yeah, whatshername, yeah. What girl am I thinking of?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Songs of Phrase? We've got that...

ricky: Songs of Phrase, yep.

steve: Oh, alright.

karl: We've got that coming up.

steve: Monkey News?

ricky: Monkey News is safe, innit?

karl: Got some Monkey News that goes without saying.

ricky: I told a bit of Monkey News, I did a photo shoot at the zoo this week, and one of the people in charge...

steve: Trying to make yourself look good?

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: They told me that they used to have an orangutan, right, but it escaped. It worked out— it lifted up a drain, got out of the drains and got out up into the zoo. It actually did a Colditz-type escape, right?

steve: Wow.

ricky: And Karl goes "what happened?" I said, well they sort of like surrounded it and got it back in. He went "that's no good though". I mean, it's not Monkey News unless it steals a car and goes to Spain!

steve: Exactly, yeah, or opens a small bistro.

ricky: I mean that's real, that actually happened! But it's not real unless it— you know, takes a gun, gets

ricky: Mistaken for a president and, you know...

steve: Yeah, and runs a country for three years.

karl: There was some more news about London Zoo this week, about— they're all excited because they got an anteater in there.

steve: Right.

karl: This week.

steve: Is that good? Is that exciting?

ricky: No, I think they've had an okapi born.

ricky: It's got a long nose, it's like a sort of tapir type thing.

karl: Not interested. Have I said to you before about if an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?

karl: D'you know what I mean?

steve: But an anteater is the only one, isn't it?

karl: Well, get rid of them.

ricky: No, there's lots isn't there?

steve: What other ones are there?

ricky: Well there's flycatchers, there's— there's lots of animals that are named after what they eat. Aren't there?

steve: What's a flycatcher?

ricky: That's a bird, innit?

steve: Hmm...

steve: Seems ill-informed. I can't think of many beyond anteater. You talked about— you're talking about the zoo though, I was watching the news last night and it had a feature about Madame Tussauds.

ricky: Oh, yeah?

steve: It was saying that they scrapped many of the royal family. Now, I don't— but I've never understood the appeal of Madame Tussauds. I just genuinely, with no irony, cannot see the appeal of having my photo taken next to a waxwork of J.Lo.

ricky: I know.

steve: I can't compute why that would be fun. I don't know— what is it, do they

steve: Move? Cause they don't move, do they?

ricky: No, course they don't.

steve: They just stand there.

ricky: I know.

steve: So genuinely, I mean it's crowds of people queuing up and— people queueing to have their photo taken with the royals and I don't...

ricky: The queue would put me off immediately.

steve: Well yeah!

ricky: I mean, it's just down the road isn't it?

steve: But is it so you go home to your family, you go there's me, I'm— there's me with Kylie. There's me with Britney Spears.

ricky: It's not Kylie is it, her eyes look a bit funny.

steve: Oh no it's just a wax effigy.

ricky: Oh I thought you met her.

steve: No no no, it's just a waxwork.

ricky: Right.

steve: It's not even the real person. If you've been to Madame Tussauds, if you have any understanding of why the appeal there— email in and tell me...

ricky: Hold on, wait a minute, let's not diss 'em

ricky: Because they might melt down Ricky Tomlinson one day to do me.

steve: Ha, sure.

ricky: You never know, you know.

steve: Or Rik Waller.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. So I don't want to put 'em off.

steve: But seriously I mean, I'm not being...

ricky: You know Roy Kinnear might be in there and he'd make...

steve: What is the appeal? Genuinely what is the appeal, to walk around a number of life-sized effigies...

ricky: But that's the same as look-alikes, when I see at the back of the stage and it's got, I dunno... "Susan Gooding is Caprice".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And you want to go, what d'you do with her? Oh,

ricky: 500 quid she comes and stands at your party.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And people go, "she looks a bit like Caprice". Yeah don't go too close, she does yeah.

steve: Is that Caprice over there?!

ricky: No, but it's—

steve: It looks a bit like her.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There was one at the back of the stage that was "so-and-so... is Jordan", and it was a woman— a sort of buxom girl wearing very little.

ricky: Buxom! Are you from the West Country?

steve: Ha, I am!

steve: But I thought to myself, if you're willing to get your norks out pretending to be Jordan, just get 'em out and become a Page 3 model!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Stop pretending to be Jordan!

ricky: And call yourself after another Middle Eastern country.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Don't just,

ricky: Yeah don't just...

steve: Very odd.

ricky: I know. God.

steve: Very strange. But you've got a look-alike now, haven't you?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's so odd.

ricky: But it's a bloke, right, sort of at his desk, right...

steve: In the picture?

ricky: In the picture, and it's David Brent.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And it's got "Ricky Gervais".

steve: Yeah!

ricky: So...

steve: As I remember it's just an old fat bloke with a beard.

ricky: Alright, don't have a go.

steve: Alright.

ricky: Play a record Karl. No need for that.

ricky: Radiohead, yeah? And "Go to Sleep" on Xfm 104.9. Don't go to sleep! We've got some...

ricky: ...more fun and great tunes coming up. Alright?

steve: Just to let you know that we've had a few new entrants on the listeners' hate poll.

ricky: I noticed Chris Evans is cropping up.

steve: Chris Evans has snuck in a couple of times. We've also had Jordan added to the list along with Mick Hucknall.

ricky: I think that's because you reminded people.

steve: I know, I know, I mentioned her and...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...yeah, consequently she's on the...

ricky: Come on, think.

steve: Mick Hucknall,

steve: And also— this is one I'm strongly behind, Daniel Bedingfield. If you've ever heard him interviewed...

ricky: Yeah but I can't hate him.

steve: Oh, if you've heard him interviewed he's such a knob.

ricky: Is he?

steve: He really is a bit of a tit...

ricky: Don't get involved, see the good about this is we don't get involved.

steve: This is true.

ricky: This is not— does not necessarily reflect our opinions. There are a couple of people that are cropping up that I'm right behind, but I'm not going to give that away. So don't don't give your opinion Steve cause then we're— then our hands are clean.

steve: D'you know who I love?

ricky: Who?

steve: Daniel Bedingfield.

steve: I think he's bloody brilliant.

ricky: Do you know who I think is a comedy genius?

steve: Go on.

ricky: Chris Moyles. But let's move on, let's not—

steve: So anyway, listen we'll

steve: Well, we'll be giving the top ten of you, the listeners, votes. Uh, probably about two o'clock. And then from that list -

ricky: If, if we remember.

steve: If we remember.

ricky: If Karl doesn't lose the list.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And, uh, from that list, we'll probably try and draw up the top three, maybe.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: Okay, so quiz time. I know everyone's been looking forward to this: which quizzes -

ricky: Well, we're going to play along because he's done, uh, songs of phrase where he, uh, cuts up, um, ah, bits and pieces from, um, ah, records. You have to guess the title or the artist and, uh, makes a well-known phrase.

ricky: I.E. a phrase that we've said a lot under the challenges that me and Steve have got to try and work out what it is as well, before we tell, we will tell you the phrase but let me just see if I can guess. Play it.

ricky: Right. I know what that is.

steve: I didn't hear it. Can you play it once more for me?

ricky: Right, right. I know what that is, right. It's why don't they play the game of swing ball cause that's what he said when he turned on and saw people in wheelchairs playing tennis.

steve: And his point was.

steve: Oh dear.

ricky: That is so naughty. This show's been a bit naughty, I think. I don't know what's happened to us. I think it's, it's, it's like, um, sort of end of term sort of madness, but I think we've gotta calm down here. Was been a bit naughty there. We've already said, you know, bloke with two dicks. We said Chinese people don't talk properly, which is a little bit -

steve: Offensive.

ricky: Yeah. Y'know what I mean, Karl?

karl: Well, they don't, though.

ricky: Right, okay, let's leave it then.

steve: Okay. Stop there, Karl. Karl does not necessarily reflect the opinions of Xfm -

ricky: Yeah.

steve: - or any other human being.

ricky: If you think that me and Steve have been offensive, we are strongly behind the guise of irony, satire, and ignorance. Karl only has ignorance.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And hate.

steve: Yes.

karl: No, no, no, but as long as you say something good about someone, you can also say something bad about them.

ricky: Go on then.

steve: How does that work?

ricky: Go on then, give us an example.

karl: Oh, Chinese.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah. Great people. Right?

ricky: Good.

karl: Women, the women, women really good looking as, as, as younger people.


karl: I'm just, I'm just saying as long as you, you know, I mean, there's good and bad in everything.

steve: For every positive, a negative.

ricky: Well what are the old ones like?

karl: They, they, they don't age well.

steve: What do you mean?!

karl: The fella in Karate Kid, the teacher, was only about 36.

ricky: We started this. We started this.

steve: Oh.

ricky: Oh.

karl: Fact. So. Songs of phrase.

karl: Email in. Ricky dot Gervais at xfm dot co dot UK, right?

steve: Well I have to say, Karl, these are very tricky this week. You've got some very obscure sounding songs there.

karl: Yeah, just all we want is the artists.

steve: I think just the song, Karl, mate.

karl: I think that's harder, I think that's harder.

steve: The artists then.

karl: Just the artist then.

steve: Okay, so these are the prizes this week.

karl: Well, let's, let's play it again so they can hear it. Try and work out all the different artists.

ricky: Yeah, why don't they play -

steve: The game of swing ball.

ricky: - the game of swing ball.

karl: Alright.

karl: Alright?

steve: That's tricky.

ricky: It is tricky.

steve: That is tricky.

ricky: That is good.

steve: But there's some great prizes, um, including, Karl, I can't help but notice, torn from the current, well, I think today's issue of the Daily Mirror.

ricky: What, he's giving away a giveaway?

steve: It's a free CD from the Daily Mirror.

steve: You can buy— spend 30p on The Mirror and you can get this anyway.

steve: But it's still in the piece of plastic that it came in!

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: I love that.

ricky: Just ripped.

steve: Anyway there are some other treats...

ricky: Oh you'll be loving getting that through the door.

steve: So there's "The Jingly Jangly Sound of Summer - Good Vibes", a 2CD set featuring music from Crowded House, R.E.M., Simon & Garfunkel and the Beach Boys.

ricky: I tell you what, I've thought of another game. We can put Karl's— into theory, right. I can tell him a person, or a people, or a place,

ricky: Right, or a profession, and he's gotta come up with a good and bad.

steve: A good and bad thing, that sounds great.

ricky: It is dicing with death.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Are we ready to do this?

steve: Well, listen, if we're quitting in the next couple of weeks then who cares?

ricky: OK, good and bad, right...

steve: Well hang on, whoa let me just— we're on the prizes here.

ricky: Alright, OK.

steve: "So Now 55", I know there's a lot of Xfm listeners who are going to be looking forward to the likes of S Club 8 and the Fast Food Rockers, they're all on there.

ricky: I can't wait, what is their second single going to be about?

steve: The Smashing Pumpkins, this is quite a good

steve: Little compilation of B-sides and live performances and stuff like that, which is not bad. "The Best Summer Holiday Album in the World Ever", I think we've given that away in the past, all sorts of stuff on there. Plus the director's cut of "True Romance" on DVD, the Tarantino-scripted...

ricky: Oh, great film.

steve: Tony Scott-directed movie.

ricky: There's some brilliant— ah...

steve: So there's some quite good prizes, let's play it once more Karl.

karl: So email in, ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk.

ricky: Why don't they play the game of swing-ball.

karl: Just the artists, yeah? That's all we're after.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Right, here we— yep.

steve: Very tricky.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Very, very tricky.

ricky: That is brilliant.

karl: Right, bung a song on.

ricky: Uhhhhhh...

karl: Bung a song on now.

ricky: What?

karl: Let's put a song on. Bit of Pharrell Williams?

steve: Yes.

ricky: Good and bad, good and bad, old people.

ricky: Darkness, "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" on Xfm. 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Karl set the ball rolling with Songs of Phrase — why don't they play swing-ball? Referring of course to people in wheelchairs who play tennis, cause he was disappointed they weren't getting around the court quickly enough.

ricky: So why didn't they play swing-ball?

steve: Yep.

ricky: Brilliant. Someone just emailed in saying "because, if they hit it to the top they wouldn't be able to reach it to unravel it".

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Which is a good point. But I mean, nonetheless. Good and bad, people in wheelchairs, d'you want to do that? Good and bad, good and bad things about people in wheelchairs.

karl: Um, good and bad...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I suppose...

karl: Dunno really, they take up less room in cinemas? They've got their own seat.

steve: Good.

ricky: That's good is it?

karl: That's a good thing.

ricky: Yeah, yep, good, well done. Well done.

steve: And what's bad?

karl: Dunno, I'll have to think about it.

steve: OK.

karl: But, let's leave that aye?

steve: You started it!

steve: The hate list. Can I just return your minds to the hate list. I said on the hour that we would give you basically the top five. Now, we have to stress this is the top five most hated people that you the Xfm listeners have suggested to us. We have not massaged these...

ricky: No.

steve: ...we have not made these up, these are coming from you. Last week we began it, this week you've continued to email. So this is the list. We do not endorse this list, some of them we may agree with, some of them maybe not but it's the list that you have come up with. We are merely the messengers.

ricky: I tell you who was coming through recently —

ricky: Cameron, but he didn't make the top five.

steve: I'm afraid he was just a late entrant really.

ricky: Williams dropped out of the top five.

steve: Robbie Williams, surprisingly, dropped out of the top five.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So let me tell you now, in no particular order, this is the top five that you have voted for.

ricky: Xfm— well I say Xfm listeners, people who listen to this show. I don't think— I mean Xfm listeners aren't typical radio listeners, and I think our listeners aren't typical Xfm listeners.

steve: Right.

ricky: So, I don't know what this poll is worth. What ANY poll's worth. But I mean, this one is probably worth very little.

steve: In a way it's sort of worth-less.

ricky: Yeah. Go on then, who's the top five in no particular order?

steve: So we want you the listener to then just vote— email in with the one name that you hate the most and then from this list...

ricky: Out of this list, yeah.

steve: ...we can figure out the number one.

ricky: OK.

steve: But this is in no particular order: Chris Tarrant.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Surprising entrant. Davina McCall.

ricky: I don't think he's that surprising. Cause I mean...

steve: Well, anyway, I'm not going to editorialise.

ricky: No I'm not saying— I'm saying, I imagine Xfm listeners pretty much despise someone like Chris Tarrant.

steve: OK well anyway, Chris Tarrant's on there. Davina McCall.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Patrick Kielty.

ricky: Right.

steve: Graham Norton.

ricky: Yep.

steve: And Chris Moyles.

steve: Now I'm not going to say anything, those are the names that you have drawn up. There are lots of others that didn't make the top five, Richard Madeley was on there, Michael Flatley. Vorderman, bizarrely, I thought that was...

ricky: Michael Flatley's a weird one.

steve: Very strange. So Jamie Oliver, a lot of votes for him but he's not made the top five. So those are the top five, just email in with the number one...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...that you hate. And we're talking about someone...

ricky: Another pointless inane poll!

steve: Exactly.

ricky: And this time we did it. Ohhh, dear.

steve: Moyles, Norton, Kielty, McCall, Tarrant. It's your choice.

ricky: Who would you have out of this?

steve: Ricky.gervais...

ricky: Who would you have in your list Karl? You're allowed to talk cause people know your opinions don't matter. So, what?

karl: I honestly don't really hate anyone...

ricky: That's nice.

karl: ...that much. I'm not that fussed, d'you know what I mean?

steve: We're not talking so much about hate, we're talking about someone that annoys you...

ricky: Yeah we don't mean hate, you can't hate any of these people, all they've done is pop themselves up on telly. But I think it's people who— as one listener, she put it— I think she had some of those, and she said, "I don't hate them, these are the people that if they pop up on my telly I have to turn over".

karl: Yeah.

ricky: You know what I mean, you don't hate them you—

ricky: You know.

karl: But sometimes it's not their fault, it's like Davina, right, I used to quite fancy her. And now cause she's always on the telly it's like ugh, I can't be doing with her now.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Right.

karl: But she's still the same presenter, it's just that I'm bored with it.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: D'you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

karl: So, I'm not getting involved in it.

steve: OK.

karl: D'you know what I mean?

ricky: OK.

karl: Don't want to offend anyone.

steve: Let me just give the email address...

ricky: But I mean...

steve: Let me just give the email address! I just said it, so don't walk over it.

ricky: OK. I'm gonna do Karl's top thing.

steve: Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. That's also the email address for your answers to this week's Songs of Phrase, play it again Karl if you

ricky: Go on.

steve: We just want the artists, is that right?

karl: Yeah, that will do.

ricky: I've got, I've got, I've got two that you, you, you don't like. Not, not, not that you hate them, but you sort of like, don't agree with em. Um, would liverpudlians be in your list?

karl: Probably.

ricky: What about, um, gay fellas in toilets looking at yah?

karl: Em, well, I think they've sorted that out.

steve: One of the prizes this week in Karl's goody bag features this song. Play it, Karl. The Monkees. Pleasant Valley Sunday.

ricky: Oh god.

steve: Monkees. Pleasant Valley Sunday. Brilliant. Xfm 104.9 Karl Pilkington.

ricky: This show is monkey-heavy, isn't it?

steve: It is.

ricky: It is monkey-heavy. Karl, if you were president, would you sort of make compulsory to maybe have a little, little monkey? Everyone has a little monkey of their own? Little chimps helping our old age pensioners?

karl: It's not a bad little, uh, it's funny, you know cause there was, um, a story the other day when I was looking for monkey news.

karl: Um.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: There was a story about a couple who, who couldn't have any kids, right? There's something wrong with them, but they really wanted a kid and they got some, uh, dodgy email address where they could buy a baby online, right? It was someone who would have a kid and you could buy it for 3 grand or something, right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: So anyway they got one, they got picked, and like, brilliant. There's the money.

karl: Got the baby and everything. They were loving it. Um, you know, playing with it and stuff. As it got older -

ricky: Feeding it.

karl: It got hairier.

ricky: Oh shut the, oh.

karl: Turned out, they've been sold a chimp.

ricky: You, you maniac. You stupid manc twat.

steve: How on earth?

ricky: Don't talk shit. That is, as IF.

steve: They didn't know it!

ricky: What?! Oh don't talk, are you, are you mental?!

steve: I love the fact that -

ricky: You stupid -

steve: Didn't make it into monkey news!

ricky: I know. Yeah.

karl: Well, it's a bit sad though. We don't like to bring -

ricky: They bought -

karl: Bring the feature down.

ricky: Yeah. And how long was this into, it got hairier? They're born hairy!

steve: They got hairier.

ricky: They're not born like humans, then develop hair, because they go "hold on, we better, we better get the chimp stuff kicking in now cause we're in the jungle!"

karl: School photograph. Do I, hang on a minute? It looks a bit weird.

ricky: Oh, you are just, the, the -

karl: That's mad, innit?

ricky: The rubbish, mad, innit? Mad, innit? Mad, innit? Imagine, oh god, just imagine if he was in charge. We did put him in charge of the country.

steve: Terrifying.

ricky: Wouldn't that be amazing. Let him run the country.

steve: Just for a week.

ricky: Or, or the mayor, or what would you do if you were the president or the lord mayor of London.

karl: I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't want to do it.

steve: Prime Minister, Karl.

ricky: I wouldn't do it, like he's gonna be offered it! It's a hypothetical question, Karl.

karl: No, but su-Suzanne was, uh, alright, me missus, if you're a new listener.

steve: Your keeper, sure.

ricky: Your helper.

karl: She was watching the news trying to follow some heavy stuff and I'm like ohh, d'you know what I mean...

steve: The weather? What?

karl: I just was like bored and I was reading about that mouse that had an ear on its back...

steve: Ha, yeah.

karl: So she said "will you take notice of this, you should be— you know what Ricky and Steve are like, they're trying to teach you stuff and you don't even want to learn".

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: She's a good woman.

karl: So to try and get me interested in it, she was like saying "what would you do if you were president" and stuff.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And I can't be doing with any of it. It's hassle.

ricky: What did you come up with? You must have...

steve: What would your slogan be?

ricky: What did you come up with? Did you come up with anything?

karl: I had a little— the design of it, alright, I said I'd have like red and blue. Sort of— d'you know what I mean

karl: Both major sides into one.

ricky: Yeah, well that's broken the back of it. That's a pretty good manifesto so far. Anything else? What's on the second page?

karl: I had like, "KP looks after me".

steve: That would be the badges would it?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: That's good. "I'm a KP-nut"

steve: Yeah. Ha, "KP looks after me".

ricky: Yep. Brilliant.

karl: That's about as far as I went with it.

ricky: What would you do? What about, you know, policies? Transport, crime.

ricky: You know, just just law and order.

steve: Yeah how would you deal with crime? What would your initial approach be? Would you introduce guns? Should police carry guns?

karl: Nah.

steve: No?

karl: No. Umm, would I have to worry about that?

steve: Well you're the Prime Minister.

ricky: Okay, well no good point, good point.

karl: No, what I'm saying is though, I mean Tony Blair isn't sorting everything out, is he?

steve: No, but he has a say in most things.

karl: Does he?

karl: Well go on then, what are the problems at the moment that need sorting out?

steve: Well generally, how would you—

steve: What's the best way to combat— would you would you bolster up the prison system? Would you introduce more community service? Would you put more bobbies on the beat?

ricky: Would you make— would you go harsher, for say — I dunno, drugs. Would you go harsher or less harsh? There's pros and cons of both, isn't there?

steve: Higher or lower?

ricky: Because, of course you can't see to condone it, but some people— you don't want to go through the court system and cost taxpayers thousands of pounds of money for someone— I dunno, difference between smoking a spliff and dealing crack.

karl: Mmm.

ricky: D'you know what I mean? You have to have all these things—

ricky: Have I lost you?

karl: Yeah I'd just think about it for a bit, d'you know what I mean?

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Ha, you'd think about it for a bit. Yeah.

karl: Probably ask Suzanne...

karl: ...d'you know what I mean?

ricky: This is amazing.

karl: Get her help on it.

ricky: Yeah. Can we...

steve: And what about the foreign situation, would you have supported Bush and his war on terrorism?

karl: Ermmm...

steve: You're aware of this war that we had recently?

karl: Yeah, y-y-y-yeah.

steve: Sure.

karl: I mean if I was new though, couldn't I just say look, new slate?

karl: D'you know what I mean? Let's start again.

steve: Right.

ricky: Yeah, course you can.

karl: I'm in chage now, let's see if we can sort this out.

ricky: What would you do then?

karl: Then see what happens.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: Just leave it.

steve: Suck it and see.

ricky: Brilliant!

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: It's— yeah. This is excellent.

steve: Now this is not really your jurisdiction, this is not really your area, but I imagine you'd have some powerful friends who might have a say in it.

karl: Go on, go on, go on.

steve: Yeah. What would you do about single sex marriages, same-sex marriages?

ricky: See this got Cameron— I thought Cameron and blown it on Big Brother.

ricky: Because they said, you know, "what d'you think about gay fellas getting married?" and he went "uh no, in the Bible it says, you know, man and a woman, not...", and I thought ooh, he's put off a lot of — I don't think many Christians tune in to Big Brother, but we know the gays love it. They love Big Brother don't they, the gays.

steve: Yeah, so, interesting. But what would your take be on that, same-sex marriages?

karl: Um, and then what, having a kid?

ricky: Well, let's just start off with you know...

karl: Well that's all right, innit, d'you know what I mean? Just let them get on with it...

steve: Sure.

karl: ...if it's not affecting anyone else.

steve: Sure, sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? But it starts getting tricky...

steve: Right.

karl: ...when you get a kid.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Go on, why?

karl: Well, it's just tricky innit, you know what I mean.

ricky: Well yeah, you could be right. I'm not giving anything— I mean, you know, we're not... there's no right or wrong answer.

karl: It's all— if you're in like— if you lived in the jungle, right, with no one else...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...right, and you just 'ad these two fellas, right...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...looking after you.

karl: But, because you got no one else looking in on that saying, "oh, you're a bit weird aren't you".

ricky: Sure.

karl: D'you know what I mean? But soon as you come...

ricky: Right. Sorry, j— why have they got married if... do you think the gay people turned to a bloke cause they couldn't get a woman?

karl: Erm...

ricky: If it— if those two fellas go away and they're in the jungle, they go "we're definitely not going to find a woman here, we might as well bum", that's not how homosexuality starts. People don't...

karl: It makes you wonder if...

ricky: No, no, it doesn't make you wonder. Gays don't go, "well

ricky: I'll tell you what... I haven't seen a woman I fancy yet, I'll try a bit of knob".

karl: No, no, no, but what I'm saying is, right, if you're brought up in like a little jungle, right...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You...

ricky: How were you brought up?!

karl: Someone just puts you there.

ricky: I don't know what...

steve: Let him explain.

ricky: I don't know what this scenario...

karl: I can't be bothered, Steve...

steve: Come on mate.

karl: ...I can't be bothered running the country.

steve: I'm listening, I'm fascinated.

ricky: "I can't be bothered running the country", like I'm too much trouble for you.

steve: KP, takes care of me.

karl: Alright then, fair enough...

ricky: Yeah. OK.

karl: ... what I'm saying is, right, if you're brought up in a jungle.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right.

karl: Right... on your own.

ricky: What do you mean brought up?!

steve: Just let him finish.

ricky: What does he mean "brought up" though?

steve: You understand what he means, like Tarzan.

ricky: You've got to tell me what you mean by brought up. Wolves, chimps, what?

karl: Right well there's a good example of what I'm saying to you.

ricky: Right.

karl: Right? What I'm saying is, there's a fella, right. He's brought up in a jungle.

steve: Shut up, just let him finish.

ricky: What does he mean brought up?

steve: Let him finish!

karl: There's no women about, he doesn't know about women. He doesn't understand what women are.

ricky: Right.

karl: Right, but another fella walks in the scene...

ricky: Yep.

karl: ...and he gets pally with him.

ricky: What does he talk about?

karl: Then they've both got needs.

ricky: No, but... this scenario is ridiculous. How has he lived? Or does he know— what's his reference point?

karl: I can't be bothered with this. Honestly, Saturday should be me day off an' that.

karl: ... not worrying me about about problems.

ricky: Play a record! Ohhh, God.

steve: KP takes care of me.

ricky: Elbow, "Fallen Angel" on Xfm, 104.9. So uh, there we go, Karl is president. He's still confused, aren't you Karl?

karl: Just a little bit— just a little bit sort of amazed...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...by the body.

ricky: Yeah. You're in awe of it, aren't you?

karl: Just the way...

ricky: I'm amazed how two people can...

ricky: Buy a baby on the Internet for 3,000 pounds and not realize it's a chimp 'til it goes to school.

karl: No. No, but seriously, what we were - you know talking about there during Elbow and Fallen Angel, ughh, we were talking about, that I think, if you're locked up, well not locked up in a room, you've got a normal life except there's no women in it...

ricky: Yeah, but how would that happen? What would its point of reference be? How would you bring up the person and totally be -

karl: Right hang on a minute, can I just ask you something though?

ricky: Go on.

karl: How can infinite monkeys have a typewriter?

ricky: Right again, I've told you before right, that is not, you don't actually have to test that model. It's, it's um - basically a model for, that explains the nature of infinity. Okay...

karl: Yeah, but -

ricky: I've told you before it, it works because of the definition of infinity. There's no, there's nowhere in the world you will ever be able to get an infinite amount of monkeys and typewriters to com-

karl: But anyway, all I'm saying is, I think if, if you don't know about women, would you crave for a woman even though you don't know they're around?

ricky: Well, you, you, you when you hit sort of puberty your hormones will kick in and then you'd, you'd start getting urges.

karl: But for what? If you don't know about it.

ricky: Well you don't have to know about it. You don't - when - if you grew up and you started feeling hunger, you wouldn't go, 'I wonder what that is.' You'd go 'get me a sandwich, I'm starving.'

karl: It's different though, it's different

ricky: But I'm not, but We're not saying it's, it's all hardwired or people are - can't change their, their natural state. We do it all the time, We fight nature all the time with conditioning.

karl: Bodies weird innit.

ricky: Yeah, well, that's that one. I'll tick that: 'it's weird innit'

karl: Well the body is, there was something, did you read that thing the other week about um-

steve: The man with two penises?

karl: No, No, we don't need that. We don't need -

ricky: Ughhh, lawyer who got in office realized he was actually an orangutan and they'd just shaved him, put a suit on him? From Hugo BOSS?

ricky: And the funny thing is he won the case and the judge said 'well don't send him back to J-Jungle let himself set off on 'is own. Bodgeit, Whibble and Podge. You'd make the best judge in the world.'

karl: No, there's a fella -

ricky: 'ere's a banana.'

karl: There's a fella who err... Who's in a coma for 20 years.

steve: Hmm?

karl: Just they kept like, taking him through, like the normal day, they'd take him to Alton Towers and stuff...

karl: Doesn't know about anything about it. Just kept going through the motions. Um, don't know if they kept charging him...

karl: Umm, kept putting him through all that, he eventually came out of it, 20 years...

ricky: And went 'stop taking me to Alton Towers, it's shit!'

karl: I just, I just thought imagine how much post he 'ad.

ricky: 'And stop taking...' eh?

karl: How much post.

ricky: Ohhh God.

steve: Did you read about that guy in the paper, Karl... Sorry on the Internet, he in about, I think it was about 1984-85, he had a terrible car accident...

ricky: But This must be it-

steve: He went into a coma...

ricky: This must be what he's talking about...

steve: Well they didn't take him to Alton Tower.

ricky: Course, they didn't. but you've gotta try and decipher the truth from the conjecture from the think - that I mean don't forget, Karl says that - realizes that he's had a dream. He talks to Suzanne, he goes 'that was good wasn't it last night we were in the plane', she goes 'no that's a dream'. He goes 'ohh yeah, where's me cornflakes'. You've gotta, you know what I mean, I can now decipher what he's actually seen, what he's read.

karl: Well go on, what did you...

steve: Well, I'm assuming it's the same guy...

ricky: It is the same guy.

steve: There's a guy in some small American town and he had a car crash, and he'd gone into a coma, and his wife had

steve: Left him, she'd got on with her life because he'd been in a coma since then, and he had just woken up recently...

ricky: Marriage wasn't working?

steve: Ha, marriage wasn't working. He just wasn't paying her enough attention.

steve: He actually had— she was pregnant the time so now his daughter is basically the same age as he was when he went into the coma. And he's just started coming around, he's just started making jokes, they said "how do you feel?", he said "horny", which I thought was quite witty for a man who'd been in a coma for many years. But anyway yeah, so he's slowly trying to rebuild what life he can.

ricky: That's interesting...

steve: What do you make of that

steve: Though? Because the thing is, he's missed— imagine what he's missed, Karl. Imagine the music that he's missed...

ricky: Live Aid.

steve: ...the TV programmes, news...

ricky: Missed Live Aid.

steve: Live Aid, he's missed. The Spice Girls.

ricky: He missed Phil Collins playing in two continents in one day.

steve: Which, frankly I'd be devastated if I discovered that that happened.

ricky: Missed Bros.

steve: Yep.

ricky: Yeah, she he'd put on ripped jeans and they'd go "passé".

steve: They'd just have to send him a series of those "I Love 1986" programmes...

ricky: Exactly!

steve: ...with Kate Thornton filling him in on what he's missed.

ricky: Exactly, Peter Kay reminding him of Space Hoppers. He remembers those.

steve: Yeah, Richard Blackwood talking rubbish.

ricky: Yeah, so um...

steve: Extraordinary, though, isn't it Karl to think...

karl: Mmm.

steve: No. Obviously not.

karl: Had he aged much? Cause he hadn't had any problems or anything, no worries.

ricky: Well he probably wouldn't have— physiologically, he probably wouldn't have the wear and tear of a 43-year-old man.

karl: Right, he's had a good...

ricky: Because he wouldn't have had sun, he wouldn't have had nicotine, beer...

steve: Unless they they were just feeding that to him.

ricky: Yeah anyway still...

steve: To try and bring him round.

ricky: Yeah. So...

karl: You'd feel groggy though, wouldn't you.

ricky: Yeah, you might feel a bit groggy, yeah. Yeah.

steve: Well he's not fully back to normal, I mean there is some kind of residual brain damage.

ricky: No, yeah.

steve: But nevertheless he can form sentences. He's got very— he's got no real memory, so he can't remember a lot of things.

karl: It was just when I saw it...

steve: Karl, have you been in an accident?!

karl: So are we giving the answers out for whatshername?

steve: Oh later, later. Play a tune. I'm bored.

karl: Bit of Snoop Dogg?

steve: Ohh, play it Karl.

ricky: Y-y-y-yeah.

karl: Y-y-y-yeah.

steve: Snoop Doggy Dogg from 1993...

steve: ...and "What's My Name?"

ricky: Long time ago.

steve: Ha, it was indeed.

ricky: Ten years ago.

steve: Xfm 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Songs of Phrase, we've had very, very few entries. I really think people aren't interested. They really have just given up. I mean, seriously Karl, I don't mean to disrespect you...

ricky: That's the one thing— that's the one thing you contributed to this show Karl, and it's the weak

ricky: Link, I think...

steve: The missing link.

ricky: ...in the chain. The missing link! [gasps] D'you reckon there is one Karl? D'you reckon they'll ever find the missing link, wandering around Manchester?

steve: Wait a minute, Karl!

steve: The stats then, let's have the answers if we can.

karl: Right, it was uhhh, Specials...

steve: Well play it once more.

karl: Alright.

steve: Specials

karl: Yep. Jermaine Jackson.

karl: Right there was "Play the Game of Love"

karl: Think that was Wayne Fontana and the Mind-Benders.

ricky: Right.

steve: Right, you think but you're not sure.

karl: Louis Armstrong, was the "don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing".

steve: Mm-hmm.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And Queen, "don't stop me now, we're having a good time", and that.

ricky: "We're having a ball".

karl: "We're having a ball".

ricky: Yep.

steve: Um, well I mean considering you yourself weren't entirely clear, I think it's only fair to give it to Paul Brown who got some of the answers right.

ricky: PB, you are getting those prizes! They are on their way to you now.

steve: They are winging their way to you. OK the stats are in for

steve: The XFM listener hate list...some interesting results.

ricky: Go on then.

steve: Reverse order.

ricky: Okay, in fifth place.

steve: In fifth place: interesting, Davina McCall.

ricky: Yeah. I think that's just...I think that is reflective of her being on telly all the time and running out of stuff and being bit over-the-top and...yeah.

steve: Fourth position.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Christopher Tarant.

ricky: Okay, well that's I mean, that's yeah, I wouldn't have thought he's the favourite role model of...go on.

steve: There is a joint second place.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Graham Norton...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...is alongside in second place...Patrick Kielty, which means Chris Moyles is the winner with an overwhelming vote and I swear to God, I have not done anything to those stats. That is exactly as they've come in off the email.

ricky: We do not give our opinions on this. That was the XFM listeners but err...well done.

steve: Thumbs up, you all win a prize.

ricky: We're gonna play you some nice records because of that, aren't we?

karl: Reckon they'd sort of prefer some ads.

steve: Ehh, either's fine.

ricky: (Laughs) Yeah.

ricky: Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow, on XFM 104.9. When I was at University, my best mate was a bloke called Wally and he was doing psychology and I was doing philosophy and we both got into this thing, theory called determinism which about the state of the mind. It's a materialistic view that everything is part of the causal web and everything has a reaction for something that happened before and...by the way, Karl, do not confuse this with fatalism. Determinism is not predictive. It's just that if a brain state happens again, and...anyway.

steve: Everyone knows.

ricky: Yeah. The famous one is if you know, a butterfly haven't shaken its wings Queen Victoria wouldn't have sneezed. Everything's indiscriminately linked, right. We're thinking that, right and we're thinking 'what if you changed one word in classic songs or one note in Beethoven's symphony?'.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: How it just wouldn't work.

steve: Well I've always thought that 'come on baby light my fire'. Not as good. That sounds brilliant, enigmatic, interesting - not so good, more pedestrian if it was 'come on baby light a fire'.

ricky: (Laughs) Yeah. Yeah, just one thing wrong. That would be great, just sitting there...Paul McCartney comes to John and he goes 'Alright John? Written a song...She was just 17, well you know what I mean, the way she looked was way beyond compare. I wouldn't dance with another, (wails) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH---.

steve: I'll stop you there.

ricky: Go on.

steve: I'll stop you there.

ricky: What's the matter?

steve: Something not quite right with that...I love the song...

ricky: No? Yeah?

steve: Once more...for us.

ricky: Well listen, don't be too harsh because we write our own songs, we can still put both our names to it.

steve: Sure, I think you're a great talent, I think you're a great talent, I'm just saying...

ricky: Well listen, listen, listen you hippie, right?

steve: Well, not yet.

ricky: Well not yet. But I mean - there's a Japanese bird outside looking in.

steve: I don't fancy her, I'm not interested.

ricky: No, well listen, well.

steve: And I'll never change my view.

ricky: (Laughs) Wait now listen, right? 'I wouldn't dance with another, (wails) OOOOOOHHH---

steve: It's that bit.

ricky: Is it that bit you don't like?

steve: That bit's not working. Could you try and just...is there a different pitch you could come in...

ricky: Well okay. 'I wouldn't dance with another, (wails) AAAAAAAHHH---

steve: Again...

ricky: You don't like the...is it the noise?

steve: I'm just not sure the girls are going to go crazy for it when we do that bit. Is there anything else you've got for us?

ricky: I love the idea of just changing one lyric. Radiohead. Well what's their classic song?

karl: 'Creep'.

ricky: 'Creep'. You can't really change that, can you. 'Berk'. What if they called it...'oh, I'm a berk'.

steve: Ha, ha, ha.

ricky: 'I'm a twat'.

steve: 'I'm a knob'.

ricky: But don't worry about determinism, Karl.

steve: Please.

ricky: Just cause it says we don't have a free will as such. You know, it's more an illusion. It's not whether we choose our choice, it's whether we can choose, you know, to choose our choices-

steve: He knows all this.

ricky: But don't, but don't...as I say do not confuse it with fatalism. It is non predictive and does not change anything. I mean the moral upshots are frightening because if we have no free will then are we culpable for our actions. But again, it changes something because you've got to take people out of society that are a harm.

steve: Karl has often said that.

ricky: Alright, Karl?

karl: Am I still the president?

ricky: (Laughs) Yeah, go on. Yeah.

karl: No, no, I'm just asking them that.

ricky: Yeah, what would you do? What you do about determinism? Change it.

karl: I'd have a day off.

steve: If you were president of America would you ban guns? It's in the constitution, everyone's allowed to have them.

karl: Hmmmm. I don't know, I don't know. I'd have to think about it.

steve: Sure.

ricky: (Laughs) I just love that, imagine all your different aides, and the secretary of state and generals coming to you, and they come out and they go 'What did he say?' He goes 'He said he's going to think about it.' 'Again, did he say that again, did he?' 'Yeah.' 'What was he doing?' 'He was on Ananova looking at monkey news. Apparently a chimp stole a car and drove to France.' Brilliant.

steve: Ah, now, monkey news, you're talking.

ricky: I'll tell you what, shall we have a great song then monkey news?

steve: It'll be an absolute treat.

ricky: What about a little bit of David Bowie, 'Sorrow'? Didn't write this one, but, I mean, he sings it bloody well.

ricky: David Bowie, 'Sorrow', on XFM 104.9. Nearly there, but you know, we're working our way up to the grand finale. The bit where Karl spouts absolute nonsense from a dodgy source on the internet about a monkey who did something impossible.

steve: Let's cue up the jingle.

karl: Hang on. Alright.

steve: Perfect.

ricky: Ooh, chimpanzee that, monkey news, ya f...

karl: Right, errr, let's have a look. This one's from some woman, right?

ricky: Yep.

karl: And she was taking part in the London to Brighton bike ride, alright. Lovely day, weather's good and everything.

ricky: What year?

karl: Just a couple of months ago. She's done all the training, alright, done all the training and stuff. Got a brand new bike for it, got a little puncture outfit and stuff all set for the day, right? So nice day, she sets off, they all start pedalling and that, on the way to Brighton, right? So she knows the route and that, got her little headphones on cycling along. Suddenly-

ricky: Right okay, I'm gonna stop you now. If a cyclist overtakes her, and it's going really fast and it's sort of hunched over but it's got like, lots of cycling gear on and a helmet and goggles and they can't tell what it is but they just know it's like a little hairy

ricky: Uhm fella, he hasn't bothered shaving his legs, which is weird isn't it 'cos cyclists usually shave their legs and this bloke had really hairy legs, but umm, and it won they gave it the medal, it won three years running, they gave us the key to the city and its own game show and then someone said "hold on though. This fellas are hunched over and he's only 3'5", and his arms are longer than his body. It's a chimp!" - if it goes anywhere near that we're never doing it again!

karl: More monkey news next week.

karl: So anyway, she's cycling cycling along, right, and this tricycle...

ricky: I couldn't predict that!

steve: There's always one element you can never anticipate.

ricky: Yeah! little kiddie's tricycle with a little kid on it. Little hairy kid with a helmet! Okay just... go on then.

karl: The tricycle comes whizzing past.

ricky: WHIZZING past! yeah, strong legs aren't they, chimps.

karl: So she's thinking "that's..." but didn't get a chance to see the face.

ricky: OHHH yeah. Couldn't quite see the cyclist! (laughing) Youuuu ohh God!

ricky: You bald mank git. Go on! Yeah research scientist Karl Pilkington.

karl: So anyway, she gets to the end line, right, and they get talking and that. Said it was a nice day. Nice race and all that. Said "did you say a little... little thing on a tricycle?"

ricky: THING?! Well PERSON surely? Just a human. Did you see that? No. Did you see that bloke on the tricycle?

karl: So anyway turns out...

ricky: But why'd she say thing? (inaudible) suspicious. I mean, what didn't she say "Did you see that fellow on a tricycle"?

karl: Anyway, so he turns out...

ricky: Go on!

karl: It was a chimp.

ricky: YOU ARE JOKING! Well christ-all-mighty. There you go, unbelievable and it was a chimp all along.

karl: So anyways, right so the woman's like...

ricky: We're never doing this again!

karl: Checking out the news. All right, there's nothing on it. She checks out Xfm Monkey News.

ricky: Right, ok I'm going to stop you there. If it turns out she looks on the news, right.

ricky: And the circus goes "we looking for our chimp, it used to ride the tricycle, and it escaped with police chasing it".

karl: No no no. So she listened to Xfm see if I'd picked up on the story.

ricky: Yeah. Sure.

karl: I didn't have it and stuff. So she got in touch with the organizers of the London to Brighton bike ride and said "look, saw a little 'airy fella"

ricky: Why did she care!?

karl: She wanted to know, she thought was a bit odd. Turned out it was a chimp. They weren't happy about.

steve: Course not.

karl: Because now the owner of the chimp wants to enter it into the Tour de France.

ricky: I'm gonna die! Oh go on.

karl: In 2005.

steve: Now a couple of questions. I trust you'll be able to answer these.

karl: Go on.

ricky: Oh god! Steve help me out!

steve: How did it get hold of the tricycle?

karl: I don't know.

ricky: "I don't know"!

steve: Okay, no that's fine. That's not the important point.

ricky: Like that's important, what's the matter with you steve?

steve: How did it know to... well firstly how did it know which way to cycle, but more importantly how did you know there was a major bike ride?

ricky: Following the crowd, Steve. What's the matter with you?

karl: The owner of it a trained it and stuff. It had already done the run beforehand, before the big day.

ricky: No it hadn't.

karl: Like I said, it wants to do the Tour de France in 2005.

ricky: No it doesn't.

karl: Erm...

karl: But there's something about animal rights, if they don't let it enter. They can kick up a bit of a fuss.

ricky: (laughing) No! The animal rights is it's cruel to make a chimp ride a bicycle not that it's prejudice that it'd go "is it because I is hairy" you idiot!

karl: Right.

ricky: Well, that is the worst. That is the WORST one yet. Absolute twaddle. Absolute rubbish karl.

steve: Have you got a tricycle?

ricky: Unbelievable.

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