XFM Vault - S02E49 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Kings of Leon, Molly’s Chambers on XFM 104.9. Thanks to uh, Lauren Laverne there for the last few hours. Coming up, we have got some great music, Steve. We’ve got Kings of Leon, as you heard, we got Elbow, we got The Darkness, we got Coldplay, Coral, Rolling Stones, we got some Springsteen, The Smiths, do you know what I mean? Do you need anymore? And with all that, we’ve still got Pete Skinner with his wacky weather report.

steve: Excellent, good ol’ Pete.

ricky: Ay?

steve: Nice to have him back.

ricky: Oh, uh, good on you Steve, um, uh, got summat here, uh, I’ve brought in um, it’s uh, it’s just a normal soup. Uh, it’s Rooster’s Pride. What flavour soup’s that, Steve?

steve: Oh! I notice you’ve brought that in, it’s all a - it’s a genuine article and it’s cock soup. Oh, thanks. Can I - can I just look at that?

ricky: Okay.

steve: Maybe there’s some more humour I can —

ricky: What, you want a - you want a closer look at my c - c - cock —

steve: Cock soup.

ricky: — soup.

steve: Just the cock soup, let me just —

ricky: Cock —

steve: It says here, “Delicious, appetising” —

ricky: Oh dear!

steve: — “three to four servings”!

ricky: Oh!

steve: Oh —

ricky: ‘Cause I - you know what I’m thinking of, when you’re talking about the soup?

steve: I’m trying to think of innuendos.

ricky: I’m thinking - no, I’m just thinking of a man’s cock.

steve: Penises, yeah. Let me just —

ricky: It’s The Darkness.

steve: Um, use Rooster’s Pride cock soup as a snack with crackers or toast!

ricky: Still thinking of a normal knob.

steve: An appetiser, again.

ricky: So —

steve: Or a soup base. That doesn’t really work as an innuendo.

ricky: No.

steve: Um, that’s disappointing. Well, we’re work on that, though.

ricky: Darkness, Growing On Me on XFM 104.9. Going well, innit?

steve: Well, I’ve enjoyed it so far.

ricky: It’s been a bit - oh, bit naughty and everything. Bit like —

steve: There’s been a bit of smut.

ricky: Oh. Oh —

steve: Nothing wrong with that.

ricky: No. Karl.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Having a good day?

karl: Not bad, not bad.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Uh —

steve: What mood are you in this week?

ricky: What could be better?

steve: Because we’re just trying to assess each week, you know, it’s a bit edgy.

ricky: He’s got a red head. What’s - what’s all the - you got a red head all around the side and the front.

karl: Mmm.

ricky: What’s that?

steve: Sunburn?

karl: No, no. I think um, I’m allergic to having my head rubbed.

steve: Right. Right, now who would rub your head? That sounds a bizarre thing. Your girlfriend?

karl: Weird, innit?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Well, I was —

steve: Who’s rubbing your head?

ricky: Well no, but um, I was squeezing his head, fair enough, and he was screaming in agony. And then he went and made me a cup of coffee.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: And as he came over, just spilt boiling hot coffee on my leg, I’ve worn today shorts. And he went, “Sorry”. Just like that. Just - he’s like - it’s like a series of Jackass out there this morning. It is - I’m - but I mean, my legs are burnt, your head’s a little bit red.

karl: Mmm.

ricky: Um, apart from that, having a good day?

karl: Not bad. I was on the way in today, right, Steve?

steve: Mmm. Walking in?

karl: Walking in, always walking in. I get - left early and stuff, like to get in early, get some bits done and that.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Uh —

ricky: Monkey News, Songs of Phrase.

karl: That sort of thing. And living in London, right, a lot of - there’s a lot of shops that open early and stuff, do you know what I mean? People say that’s a good thing about London.

steve: Yeah.

karl: It’s almost like a 24 hour city and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? I’m walking in and there’s, like, you know, you’ve got your newsagents open.

ricky: Obviously.

karl: You know, Southern Newspapers and that and that’s good.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: They’ve gotta be open early.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Then you’ve got your - your coffee shops, your Starbucks, your —

ricky: Gotta have a cup of coffee in the morning.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: They’re - they’re doing well in the morning.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Um, then you see, like, the odd restaurant and you think, “Well, maybe they’ve sort of got their doors open but they’re preparing for lunch.” So you think, “Fair enough.”

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right?

steve: “I’ll let that pass.”

karl: Yeah. Carry on walking down the road, bondage shop. Open.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: About half past ten.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Busy, was it?

karl: There was a couple in. Had some good offers. But half past ten, for a bondage shop?

steve: I'm assuming if you're into bondage, though, you stock up at any time day or night. I mean, you don't..

karl: Do ya?

ricky: I suppose you get up and you go 'ooh, I've got nothing on I need to be a bit ooh, I need to be a bit tied down'.

steve: (Laughs) yeah.

ricky: 'I need some rope'.

steve: 'These clothes are too baggy, I need more belts. I need more straps'.

ricky: 'Yeah. Ooh. Get some rubber on my face.'

steve: (laughs)

karl: Weird though, innit?

ricky: What were you doing in there?

karl: Just having a browse.

ricky and steve: (laughing)

karl: But eh, I'm a bit worried really cos the things that I've noticed this week like that, that's probably a little bit smutty, you've brought your soup in.

ricky: I just found it out there. Sorry, yeah, it is Rooster's Pride 'cock soup' noodle soup mix chicken flavour, but I mean do they not know that is obviously just going to be used on The Graham Norton Show and Chris Tarrant when he's doing his show abroad? I mean, do you know what I mean? How could they call it 'cock soup' in this day and age?

steve: Well don't keep saying it.

ricky: Well no, it's fine because you can say cock as long as it means the male-we've done this.

steve: Oh, do you mean chicken?

ricky: Yeah, look. It's a picture of a chicken.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.

ricky: What did you think it meant?

steve: No, I don't know. I lost my head.

ricky: Oh, okay.

steve: Sorry.

ricky: Um, yeah.

karl: But, eh, yeah there's something else that's a bit sort of...

steve: A bit blue?

karl: A little but blue, but then it's real as well, do you know what I mean? It's a problem.

steve: Well, that excuses it.

ricky: Go on.

steve: We couldn't have said the 'cock soup' if we'd made it up but because it's real, it's fine.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: We also couldn't have said the 'cock soup' if we'd have meant a male penis.

steve: Thankfully we don't.

ricky: We mean a little chicken. (To Karl) Go on.

karl: Erm, yeah this programme was on. I think it was Wednesday night or something. About this little lad.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Erm, who was a fella and a woman.

steve: At the same time.

ricky: (laughs). What do you mean?

steve: Like a cartoon? With a secret identity?

ricky: (laughs) by night. What do you mean, he had both sets?

steve: By day a boy, by night a woman.

karl: Yeah, yeah. He had it all.

ricky: What, sorry wait, so he had male and female genitalia?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: So what do you call someone that's born like that?

steve: Weird?

karl: Weird, yeah.

ricky: (laughs) No, what's the term for it?

karl: Uhh..

ricky: Go on. You know it. We've talked about it before.

karl: Aphroditey?

ricky: (laughs) Nearly, so close. 'Hermaphroditey'. Yeah, hermaphrodite.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That's weird though, innit?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And he had eh, he had the ball...

karl: Yeah.

steve: And he had the...

karl: Well, what happened was, he was born right.

steve: Obviously.

karl: And, eh, the doctor said 'There you go. Lovely little boy and girl'. So the mum was like 'what?'. So, he said...

ricky: No, I don't think the doctor was sarcastic.

steve: (laughs) Yeah, what?

ricky: I don't think the doctor was sort of dissing them.

ricky: 'There you go'. 'What do you mean doctor?'. 'Um, well have a look. Ummm, there's a cock there's a minge. Alright? See ya later! What are you gonna call, "hit"?'. 'But doctor what do you mean?'. 'Have a look!'. He wasn't sarcastic, he didn't give clues!

steve: 'But doctor, tell me what you mean, give me a straight answer!'

ricky: He probably went 'Oh shit, she's got a cock'. He didn't go-he wasn't snarky to the parents.

karl: No no, but I'm just getting across...do you know what I mean? I always add a little bit just to..

ricky: Yeah I know you do. You should be a newsreader. Be brilliant.

karl: So eh, so yeah, there's a little kid lying there and eh...

karl: And the mam says, you know, "what am I gonna do then?" So the doctor— I mean I'm condensing this, it was like...

steve: Sure.

karl: ...an hour long— d'you know what I mean?

ricky: Sure.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So she says "what will I do?" And the doctor said "well he's not, sort of, well hung..."

steve: Right.

ricky: Oh for fff—

karl: "...so, it's better..."

ricky: "He's not sort of well 'ung"!

steve: A medical term.

ricky: This doctor I assume has been struck off since, for saying these things.

steve: It was a real doctor, it wasn't Dr. Fox?

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Right, go on.

karl: So the doctor said "so I recommend that we make it a woman"...

steve: Right.

karl: Right? So they sort of do a little bit of...

steve: Jiggery-pokery.

karl: ...yeah, a little bit of work and that.

ricky: I don't think that's true, Karl.

karl: Not it is, it was on the programme.

ricky: But I think they can tell really what they were meant to be from the chromosomes though, can't they? They can tell whether they're XY or XX.

steve: Yeah not just "it's not very well hung".

ricky: It's just— yeah.

karl: No I tell you what, because back then when this was going on, right...

ricky: Yeah, no I'm just thinking they might not have had...

karl: ...the doctors then thought if you had a kid, right, and you thought it's a bit ugly, maybe it'll have a better life if it was a fella— if it was a girl and it's a bit ugly and you think it's gonna get a hard time...

ricky: Right. Don't. Talk. Shite.

karl: W— what?

ricky: What, that a doctor would go "right you've had a young girl, I tell ya what she's a pig, let's pop a cock on her". Don't. Talk. Shite.

karl: No no no, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is, say if you have a— like I say, a girl. I just think it's harder if a girl's ugly...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...and she's growing up, she has a harder time.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Don't you agree with that?

steve: Possibly, but you don't change someone when they don't...

ricky: Well yes but they don't change— they don't— Yeah.

steve: You don't change their gender because they're a bit of a minger.

karl: No no no, but I'm just saying— what I'm saying is the Elephant Man would have had a harder time if it was Elephant Woman...

karl: ...is what I'm saying. But listen to me, listen, listen, what the doctor was saying is, "if you get a baby before it's two"...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Back then they thought you could sort of say well give it— instead of giving it a go kart give it dolls to play with.

ricky: Right, BACK WHEN?! What are we talking

ricky: About?!

steve: The Middle Ages?

karl: We'll put a song on, come back to this.

ricky: Yeah. It's Bruce Springsteen, "Atlantic City".

ricky: Bruce Springsteen, "Atlantic City" on Xfm 104.9. OK, look— have another go, Karl. What were you saying? There's a hermaphrodite, yeah, he was born with both sets. The doctor said "he's not well 'ung, let's lose that"...

karl: "Let's get rid of that."

steve: Make it a woman.

ricky: ..."let's make it into a girl". OK. I'm with you so far, go on then.

karl: So, anyway...

karl: ...gets away with a little bit, in the early years.

steve: Right.

karl: Right, starts going to school.

steve: Oooh...

karl: Gets away with it a little bit.

steve: Sure.

karl: Right? But then, d'you know when you get to that age and your head goes all funny, like when you're a teenager and you— sort of, I dunno... your skull goes...

ricky: Mine never did.

steve: What are you TALKING about?! What do you mean your head goes all funny?

karl: Your teenage years, when you look a bit odd. D'you know what I mean, you go from being quite a good-looking person and then your body starts growing.

ricky: Different rate, so-

karl: Yeah, so.

ricky: -you don't, you never know, you never know till 21 whether you're going to be a looker or not or whether it was just. I know, go on.

karl: Yeah, yeah yeah. Right.

steve: Yeah I'm still waiting.

karl: So ahh.

ricky: Your head grew outwards at exactly the same rate didn't it? That's why its spherical.

steve: Your head grew faster than your hair.

ricky: He's got a lovely head of hair-

steve: Exactly. Yeah

ricky: -but just, just below the skull. He's got a little afro in there but it just couldn't get through the follicles. It couldn't catch up, the skull, expanding. Oh bless him. Alright, come on, come on baldy.

karl: But the thing is right, so you see these pictures-

karl: -of the lad -stroke- woman.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Who's trying to be a woman at the age of fourteen, fifteen?

ricky: Sure, yep.

karl: She's got one of them big heads.

steve: Right, ok.

karl: Like a lad. Umm, doesn't, you know, she starts having a hard time. She doesn't want to play with her mates with the dolls and all that. She's more into go-karting and that sort of thing. Gets to an older age.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Decides to go back. Is now sort of with a woman, and having a life of a fella.

ricky: But did he, put, have it. Did the doctor keep it for him in case he needed it?

karl: No he's had, he's had one put on though.

ricky: Has he? Where'd he get that from?

karl: Don't know. Don't know, maybe that bondage shop.

ricky: What do they do when they do that? Do they put on a, what do they do? Maybe someone could call in and tell us. If you're a woman and you have a-

steve: Do you want to speak to someone who's got that information?

ricky: Yeah, I do. I want to know what do they, do-

steve: If you've got that information I don't want to talk to them.

ricky: Do they construct one? Do they construct it?

steve: From plasticine.

ricky: Or do they, whack on a dead one?

steve: What.

ricky: What?

steve: Whack on a dead one?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What, that, what that's not. What do you mean?

ricky: When a, when a woman has a knob put on-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: To have a sex change, where they get it from? Is it constructed? Do they find like, I dunno-

steve: From a donor.

ricky: A doughnut?

steve: From a donor.

ricky: Oh right yeah. A donor? What?

steve: A donor. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, but presumably it's like-

steve: Maybe there's someone who's wants to become.

ricky: -after they're dead I mean.

steve: No, I would've thought maybe there's.

ricky: Very few people. It's not like giving someone a kidney and then sort of like, celebrating with them.

steve: But maybe there is, maybe if you're a guy and you want to become a woman you've got one to spare.

karl: Thats true. Thats true. Yeah.

ricky: But, swap?

steve: Yeah just do a little swap, probably be on the internet or something.

ricky: Or, Noel Edmonds.

steve: What do you mean? What, what?

ricky: On swap shop.

steve: He's not a man.

ricky: No, I know but he could go, "We got a love- a fella here who ahh, got a lovely nearly new, unused penis? Wants-

steve: Yeah, Keith Chegwin out in kind of Bognor Regis.

ricky: Wants a couple of tits and fanny for that, so ahh call in. Ahh but

steve: It reminds me of the umm, d'you remember the Jane, the John Wayne Bobbitt story.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Which, right it always seemed odd to me. I never really kind of got all the information. Do you remember that one, Karl? Where the woman cut off her husband's penis because he was an adulterer or something.

ricky: When he was sleeping.

steve: And I think he was sleeping. And she wrapped, she drove off, I think he woke up quite quickly.

ricky: And threw it in the woods. She dro-, Yeah. Thats, that's so much better than the, the alarm clock isn't it.

steve: Exactly, the alarm call. And she threw it off, she threw it out of the car into the woods-

ricky: She threw it out the window.

steve: -and he went and found it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But imagine if he'd got the hospital and sown it, and they'd sown it back on, and he'd gone, "That's bigger than I remember."

ricky: Thats, that's not mine.

steve: I'm not sure this is mine.

ricky: "How many have you got?", "That's where we dump all the knobs." "That's where-"

steve: "We dump all the knobs down there."

ricky: Yeah. That, oh that, ohh.

steve: That was an extraordinary story. And then bizarrely, he became a porn star.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Very strange life that man's had.

ricky: Well it is to a bit of a-

ricky: Shock to the system, innit? Cutting your knob off...do you remember that French bloke, the performance artist about 1910, do you remember him?

steve: No, no, no.

ricky: As a performance art he cut his-in a theatre-he cut his knob off to a crowd of people. Now..

steve: What?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That's only a one night trick though, innit?

ricky: Exactly!

karl: Yeah.

ricky: But what if there had been a bang outside...?

steve: They went 'Encore!'. He went 'what?!'.

ricky: Yeah! Or they looked outside cos a car backfired. He went 'did ya see that?', they go 'huh?', I go 'Oh for fff... I just cut the-', 'did ya?', 'Yeah'.

ricky: Think of that.

steve: Sacre bleu.

ricky: I know. French are funny aren't they? Cutting your knob off for your art...

karl: Weird, innit?

steve: (laughs)

ricky: Longview-Further on XFM 104.9.

steve: As we're having so much fun with penises...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I thought perhaps I should just mention...

ricky: That's a, that's a slogan.

steve: (laughs) should eh, just mention this story briefly, it's in the paper today. A Russian is selling what he claims is Hitler's mummified penis for twelve thousand pounds.

ricky: Yeah...

steve: Ivan Zudropov says his

steve: His ex-Red Army soldier dad hacked it off as a souvenir after storming the tyrant's Berlin bunker after his suicide in 1945.

ricky: Yeah...

steve: Hmm.

ricky: Not...why-why did he wait till now?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He's found out that...eh that might get a bit of mo-twelve thousand pounds.

steve: Twelve thousand pounds.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Which doesn't seem a great deal. Doesn't seem a great deal of money, really.

ricky: Well, it's useless, innit?

steve: (laughs) True.

ricky: You're not gonna be able to use it. It's not gonna be able to...It's not gonna be a donor. Imagine that? If you walked around...

steve: (laughs) Yeah. Making love to a girl

steve: 'You'll never believe who this is'.

ricky: (laughs) Yeah, yeah, yeah. 'You'll never believe who's doing you love'.

steve: (laughs) Exactly. 'This is gonna freak you out!'

ricky: (laughs) This is-yeah, 'just relax'.

steve: (laughs) Yeah exactly.

ricky: 'Okay, sit down now'.

steve: 'I got a little surprise for you'.

ricky: 'It was brilliant, it was brilliant yeah.', 'So you enjoyed it?'.

steve: 'Yeah'.

ricky: 'Right, erm...are you a fan of the Third Reich?'

steve: (laughs) Exactly.

ricky: 'Well no, awful racist..' 'Okay okay, let's go a different tact'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: 'Um, you did like the sex?', 'I loved the sex', 'Okay then'. Yeah, it's not gonna be Hitler's knob is it.

steve: But um, I like the idea that, I mean you're uh

steve: You're in the Red Army.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You've just stormed Berlin.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: 1945. You've crashed into the bunker.

ricky: You've gone through-you've gone through...

steve: Hell.

ricky: Terrible hell. You've lost twenty million comrades.

steve: Unbelievable.

ricky: Oppression everywhere.

steve: It's been going on for years.

ricky: You're in there, you see the man.

steve: You've stormed-yeah, here he is, he's dead.

ricky: He's dead! He-oh!

steve: The figurehead and leader of one of the most despicable, y'know.

ricky: You turn to your friends, there's a tear in your eye.

steve: Yeah. And your immediate thought is....I ought to chop off his todger?

ricky: Yeah. 'Yeah well no I said bagsie his-'

steve: 'Bagsie his winkle!'

ricky: 'I said bagsie his winkle outside!'.

steve: (laughs)

ricky: 'Whoever it was. Yeah we didn't know it was gonna be Hitler'. Brilliant.

steve: It's just-I can't- it just doesn't make sense. It's ludicrous. It's ludicrous. And I don't know how-how is he expecting to prove this? Cos I want some proof.

ricky: Well this it, I think that's why he's said that. Um, he probably started off with uh 'Oh I've got Hitler's face.' and they went 'Brilliant, oh let's have a look at it', 'What do you mean let's have a look?', 'Well just check if it's Hitler's face cos obviously I know what he looks like', 'Oh yeah. No it's not-ah, no it's not his face. What wouldn't you know what it looked like?' 'Well...'

ricky: I mean no one's ever seen his genitals. That's all I've got.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I've got his...I've got his...

steve: It's got a little swastika on it.

ricky: Is that..is that proof is it?

steve: Yeah a little tattoo.

ricky: Have you got his ball? Well no, the Albert Hall's got one, his mother's got the other, so I don't know...

steve: See the Albert Hall, I would have thought, would probably be paying that £12,000, because apparently they've already got his ball.

ricky: Yeah, they've got one of his balls, so...

steve: They've got one of his balls in the Albert Hall. His Mother's got the other....

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...but if they got the todger as well...

ricky: If they can track down the one his mother's got, they would have a complete set of Hitler's...

steve: I'm just hoping it doesn't fall into the hands of some kind of crazed genetic scientist.

ricky: What, who could clone it from his knob?

steve: Who could clone Hitler.

ricky: ...back to awwww. I don't even want to think about the future if that's the sort of way we're going.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: If that's the sort of way we're going, Karl, I'd rather not know about it!

steve: What do you make of it Karl?

ricky: Karl, weird innit?

karl: It is weird. I mean, I don't want to go on for this too long, we've probably got about a minute left for the first half hour and I reckon we should can this, sort of not talk...

ricky: What, 30 minutes of genital talk? You think that's enough on a Saturday afternoon? Go on...

karl: Just quickly, there's one in a museum. I think it's like that London Museum.

ricky: What? One want?

karl: Well, do you know like how people are buying weird stuff and that to put in museums?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: There's this device that...but I mean think about it years and years ago, they used to torture people didn't they?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Really badly, and the device that they've got...

ricky: Well, there no real good torture, but go on, I see your point.

karl: Yeah, but this device right...Think about it, you've done something really bad years ago.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, and you're thinking, "Awww, what they going to do?" Do you you know what I mean? "They could do anything here, it could be the end for me." The device they've got is this thing that you put on your, er, your bits as a fella and it's sort of metal.

karl: So it means you can't sort of, you know, get excited.

steve: Ha!

karl: It puts a stop to you sort of...

ricky: That wasn't a torture device. I think it was a Victorian thing to stop adolescent boys wanking. They used to have things like wrist things as well with, like, spikes on them. It's not a torture device.

karl: Isn't that...

ricky: Well, not really. Imagine being captured, "Right, you're never gonna get a hardon again." "All right." Not really a torture device is it?

karl: Well there wasn't that many nice-looking women wandering about, anyway, back then was they?

ricky: [laughs]

karl: You wouldn't get excited about stuff.

steve: What you talking about?

karl: Well they're filthy...they stunk and everything back then.

ricky: Play a record.

steve: What you on about?!

karl: Right, we've covered that.

ricky: [laughs]

unknown: No more of that talk now, right, let's move on.

ricky: Filthy, stunk and everything!

steve: All Victorian women: filthy and stinking.

ricky: Yeah! Oh dear...

karl: Bit of Rolling Stones they set up the old Songs of Phrase, yeah?

ricky: Yep

steve: Yeah. Stones: Beast of Burden. We've not played it before. It's an absolute gem.

steve: The Rolling Stones: Beast of Burden. Can I just take this opportunity, Rick, to say to Sir Mick Jagger: happy 60th birthday this year, Mick.

ricky: Happy 60th birthday this year? Was it today?

steve: No. I don't know.

ricky: Well otherwise you'd be saying "happy birthday" to everyone every day.

steve: No, no, no, no, no. Because I don't know Mick Jagger do I? So I'm just taking the opportunity in case you happen to be listening today to wish him a 60th...happy 60th. Or someone who knows him...

ricky: Bryan Ferry. What about Bryan Ferry?

steve: How old's Bryan?

ricky: Well, well I mean, he's- he's- he's- he's- he's got a birthday this year.

steve: Well uh, not- not. But I'm not really a fan of Bryan Ferry. I'm not going to wish Bryan Ferry a birthday, Ricky because I'm not really-

ricky: Happy Birthday Bryan

steve: Well...

ricky: Silence Is Easy - Starsailor on Xfm 104.9. Right, it's the uh- it's the quiz of the week.

steve: If you want to go and do some shopping this is probably a good time and come back again at about quarter past-

ricky: -But don't forget. What I will say is even though these Clues, we're uh going to do Songs of Phrase by the way, where Karl picks out a phrase that he might have said once, uh tries to find words from songs to put it together. You gotta guess as many as you can - song or artist. I can't remember, uhm but even though you might go "Okay, that's mental. I don't know any of them." You might win if you get two right. I mean, I think the winner last week got about three out- three out of seven.

steve: I mean I have to be honest with you, last week, I mean Rockbusters surprisingly was a very, very popular quiz.

ricky: Yeah

steve: It just happened to be awful.

ricky: Yeah

steve: This one is pitiful. I mean it's truly atrocious.

ricky: Yeah

steve: And it really doesn't even have a fan base. (Laughs) I mean, there's no one championing this one, Karl. Last week, seriously mate, I got about seven-

ricky: Aw, Karl's face.

steve: -Seven or eight replies.

ricky: That is, that - oh God! That's terrible! That was like when you told a kid they- you couldn't afford a Christmas present this year. Look at his face!

steve: Yeah, it is a bit distraught.

ricky: Well, what do you-

steve: I suppose it's like Chris Evans' face when they said they were cancelling Girls and Boys.

steve: So look, but I can- I can come up with great TV game shows like that. "No, you can't Chris. Not anymore!"

ricky: Aw, his little glasses slid down his nose!

steve: But I'm the guy that did 'Don't Forget Your Toothbrush'.

ricky: Yeah, what about all that money you owe me? "No, you owe us." Oh, for fu- I can't believe it!

karl: Alright, so - will I just play it to you? And you've-

steve: (Interrupting) Whatever Karl, It's just the quicker the better really.

karl: -You've got to try work out what the phrase is?

steve: Uhm sorry, it's a phrase that might have once been uttered on this show?

karl: It was said last week.

steve: Oh, right.

ricky: Alright, okay. Brilliant.

karl: All right, here we go.

songs of phrase: I know you're just 16 but looking all of 21. That's because the Chinese look older.

steve: Right, I didn't quite hear it-

ricky: (Laughing) Right, right - I know what that is! That's ridiculous.

steve: What was it?

ricky: Right, what it is is, it's something like - right: "You're only 16, but you look 26. The Chinese look older than they are" or something because he said that the Chinese don't age well! That is mental, Karl!

ricky: It's the most convoluted, ridiculous - RACIST - piece of material ever to be uttered on radio!

steve: Play it again!

songs of phrase: I know you're just 16 but looking all of 21. That's because the Chinese look older.

ricky: (Laughing) Okay, "You're just 16 but looking all of 21. That's because the Chinese look older."

ricky: Karl, you've gone mental!

karl: Alright.

ricky: Aw, that is amazing. So, there you go, the well-known phrase: "You're- you're 16 looking all of 21. That's because the Chinese look older.

ricky: Well-known phrase there - sweeping the nation!

ricky: That's... that will be that there with Wassup... and 'Shut That Door' if they do a poll, right?

steve: Okay. Play it once. We're after the artists.

karl: Just the artists.

ricky: Yeah.

songs of phrase: I know you're just 16, but looking all of 21. That's because chinese look older.

ricky: Unbelievable.

steve: Let me tell you what the prizes are. We've got items is the new album from 'Mower'. Everyone's going crazy for 'Mower'. I've not heard people stop talking about 'Mower'. But there it is. We've got the album from the Webb Brothers which might be quite good. The Polyphonic Spree album. The best dance album in the world ever, which is ideal perhaps if you're having a barbecue and you've got lots of eight-year-old children coming.

ricky: The Polyphonic Spree, I look at them and I think, well, you know, a pretty good band, but if that album sounds like a million you make that a fourty quid each.

steve: I know, it's extraordinary.

ricky: I mean...

steve: They're the sort of India Covenant of the 'So Solid Crew'.

ricky: Yeah, you're not gonna make any money. The manager's getting 20 percent.

steve: And also on DVD Red Dwarf series one, so some absolutely barnstorming prizes. And if you can identify what (inaudible) to use in this well known racist phrase, that's because the chinese look older.

steve: Play it once more, Karl.

karl: One more time.

songs of phrase: I know you're just 16, but looking all of 21. That's because chinese look older.

steve: Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk (inaudible).

ricky: Play a record. This is Radio (inaudible).

ricky: 'Panic', The Smiths, on Xfm 104.9. Well, we've got the... we've done the first half hour, which was mainly genital related. Then we kicked in with some racism. You have to guess what artists...

steve: It seems appropriate at this junction just to mention something that's in the paper today, Dominic Mohan, I know you're a big fan and as am I. He is just writing about the demise of Radio 1 or as he perceives it and talking about the Radio 1 breakfast show and apparently it has lost lots of listeners. He says talking of the BBC "It must act swiftly to replace Sara Cox and look too exciting and inspirational figures like Jonathan Ross, Ant&Dec, Johnny Vaughan or Ricky Gervais to try and save Radio 1.

ricky: He's right. He's right.

steve: I mean... has he ever heard this show? What is he talking about? All those other acts? They're Dynamite. I can't genuinely... that's someone who said they quite like the 'Ricky Gervais Show' he never... he can't have listened. I mean, can you imagine what we just played? Well in fact can you imagine the last 50 minutes on Radio 1 on the 'Breakfast Show'? Ricky: Well, we could've prerecorded those so we wouldn't have to get up early.

steve: Sure.

ricky: That's not your point is it?

steve: That's not really it.

ricky: Your point is the quality of what we're doing, not (inaudible) it is. Sure. Sure. Get it, get it, get it. Yeah.

steve: What would you provide though Ricky if you were to...

ricky: Wack wack oops. I can do all that.

steve: Cos I mean obviously our time at XFM is gonna basically... we're running on empty already.

ricky: I'd be the furry shreddie.

steve: Right.

ricky: Yeah. So I'd get that.

steve: And would you have some wacky catch phrases?

ricky: I think I would.

steve: You'd bring back Ho-Lee Fuk?

ricky: Ho-Lee Fuk... yeah. Oh! Ding dong! Oh hello, it's my little Chinese neighbour! Hello! What's your name? My name is Ho-Lee Fuk. Hello! Look at Karl! He's just going oh god!

steve: I love the fact you didn't even do the Chinese accent that time.

ricky: Well that would be racist...

steve: Okay sure.

ricky: You know what I mean?

steve: Sure...

ricky: It's just his name's Ho-Lee Fuk and there's nothing wrong or funny about that.

steve: So yeah you'd have that. You'd have crazy comedy characters, you'd probably have some wacky quizzes.

ricky: Yeah. Oooooh! Oooh look it's dirty old queer! Hello!

steve: Now I'm not... he's a new character to me... I'm quite excited. He sounds very modern and contemporary.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: A new spin...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: On uh... on an old idea. Just tell us a little bit more.

ricky: Oh well um... mmmmmm he's an actor isn't he. And he likes to take it up the...

steve: Alright well! If anyone from radio 1 is listening, they've listened to Dominic Mohan in the paper they've thought yes you're right we need some new blood at radio 1, Ricky Gervais has got a myriad of comedy characters.

ricky: Yep. Wack wack oops. I can do sound effects.

steve: He can do sound effects... he can probably do funny voices like Chris Moyles couldn't you?

ricky: Yep... well... not as good. But I mean I can... I can do it.

steve: What about comedy songs like Moyles?

ricky: Again, not as good but I mean uh...

steve: Do you remember when Moyles rather hilariously changed the words of 'This is my moment' by Martine Mccutcheon to 'this is my motor'?

ricky: We listened to it though didn't we?

steve: Ugh. Unbelievable.

ricky: I remember when he was doing a competition, this is pathetic wasn't it, we were listening to uh radio 1 once round my house right and uh I don't know why, I think it was research wasn't it? For the office?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And um he was doing this uh... he had to phone in with this um...

steve: We were listening to idiots.

ricky: Well no I'm not saying that. And he was doing this competition, you had to call in with um songs that were golf related. And people were phoning up going 'Drive - The Cars' and he was going 'Drive - The Cars'... good.

ricky: And I was on that phone I must have wasted about 40 quid and I wanted to get through and go 'Hello Chris is that Moylesy? Moylesy? Yeah, it's Derek here, Derek here I've got one, got one. Oh, go on then Derek what is it? Um... something like Spandau Ballet with golfy golfy golf cart and that? And I just wanted to do it... and I waited. I thought the joke's on us. I wasted my phone bill just to say something stupid. Oh dear. His show's better than this...

steve: Yeah anyway if you've got any hilarious golf related song titles that you'd like to email in.

ricky: What's the number? What's the number?

karl: Oh let them email in...

steve: Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk. What would a song title be if perhaps we were doing something about... I don't know... air travel?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If you've got any crazy ideas, email them in we'd love to hear them.

ricky: Yeah. Brilliant. I've thought of another golf one. You know Duran Duran?

steve: Mmm.

ricky: Um... something down the fairway or something? If they wrote that?

ricky: Alright?

steve: Girls on the putting green? Or something?

ricky: Yeah. Alright? Yep. Oooooo hello!

ricky: "Let me introduce you, mmm." "My name's Ho Lee Fuk." "Well, I'm Dirty Old Queer." I could do all that. Ding dong, quack quack, oops.

steve: Oh.

ricky: Elbow, Fallen Angel. See, they're the odd one out, you see, because - because of what they're like and who they are and how successful they are, I can imagine saying, "Will you please welcome to the stage, Elbow."

steve: Indeed, yeah.

ricky: But I wouldn't have. Either - on paper, I'd have thought that was --

steve: A terrible band name. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: No, I know what you mean, there are exceptions to the rule.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the Boomtown Rats."

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. See I'd have thought that was a --

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I mean, I think it is a bad name.

steve: It is a bad name.

ricky: But you can imagine it happening.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yeah. So there's, uh, band names. So, call in. If you got email addresses, [???] observations on life and shit - well, it's going well, innit? That's - that's uh, halfway through.

karl: It's - it's not bad, is it?

ricky: Karl, what'd you think?

karl: Yeah, it's been alright, it's been alright.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: We've uh - we've covered a lot of bases. Um --

karl: We haven't - we haven't taught - taught 'em anything.

steve: Not taught them anything?

karl: Mmm.

ricky: I think that - I think --

steve: Well, we've taught them to tune into a different station, but --

ricky: Yeah, I think Heart 106.2 is probably picking up a few - a few of our listeners as we speak.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Who's on at the moment?

karl: Don't know. Doesn't matter on there, does it? They just sort of --

ricky: Don't slag 'em off.

karl: No, I'm not slagging them off. I'm just saying I don't think - you - you tune in 'cause you want to hear Simply Red and that, don't you? Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Well, they play other great stuff as well.

steve: Magic is the one that I love because I only ever listen to it in a cab.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If I'm in a - a minicab --

ricky: Good. That is a - that's good. That is a good station.

steve: But Magic is dynamite. But I - I notice on Magic, the DJs have got, like, five hour shifts. It's incredible. They're all --

ricky: And - and they do - read their own news.

steve: I know! It's like - it's like they've cut out any expenditure on that channel.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's just some old records.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And one guy who has to go on for five hours, read his own news, his own travel. It's - there's - there's nothing else.

ricky: I saw a bloke stru - bloke struggling once. He sort of wants to be a bit of a - sort of comedian. And uh, he does one link. It's sort of one - sort of 15 second link between each record, 'cause - he goes, "That's Celine Dion. Uh, there's a story in the paper again that, um, people were late for work, uh, on the Underground because there was leaves on the track. Just wondering if, uh, leaves are ever late for work 'cause there's people on the track. Here's Simply Red." Oh, bless him.

steve: Just the idea that he's gotta come up with them for, like, five hours, he's there --

ricky: I know, yeah. He's there sweating like that. Probably going, "Oh, I'm gonna kill my - I'm gonna kill summat. Uh" --

steve: "Cher's almost finished! I got nothing!"

ricky: "I'm just thinking there's - thing in the story about, um, uh, war on Iraq. Oh, imagine if - I can't do this anymore! I can't!"

steve: "Imagine if - if humans become extinct!"

ricky: "Would leaves" --

steve: "Like dinosaurs!"

ricky: "I don't know what I'm doing!"

steve: Look at Karl's face when I said that!

ricky: The man moth.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "They've cloned a man moth."

karl: No, but that's - that's the sort of thing I think we need now, right? We've covered a lot of stuff.

ricky: What, education?

karl: A lot of teaching, yeah.

ricky: Well - okay, um, what - what do you wanna know?

karl: Uh, dunno. I just --

steve: Have you got something? Can you educate us on anything?

karl: I been reading bits and bobs.

steve: So can we bring back, just for one - one - for one night only, Educating Ricky.

ricky: Oh, I'm excited.

karl: Uh --

steve: Yeah, do you think it warrants that?

karl: I don't - I don't know enough about it. Do you know what I mean?

ricky: About what?

steve: It sounds perfect, play the jingle!

ricky: Uh, oh, Educating Ricky! He's getting smarter.

karl: Couple of things happened in the week that I read about.

steve: Okay.

karl: Keeping up on what's going on and that.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uh, one was about - about that Galileo fella.

steve: Okay.

karl: Uh, was it about 1636?

ricky: Oh!

steve: Oh!

ricky: Go on.

karl: Was it? Was it?

ricky: I think it might've been earlier.

steve: It's not bad.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Did some stuff with light and that. Is he, uh --

ricky: Yeah, he did lots of physical experiments, yeah.

steve: Is that it then, Karl, is it?

karl: Well, that's - that's sort of --

steve: He did - he did some stuff with light and that?

karl: Well, what did he do with light? What was that --

ricky: Well, he did - he - well, he - uh, I think he invented the first --

steve: Telescope.

ricky: Uh, yeah, telescope. So I - I - I think it's a particular lens though, the - that - um, and, uh, he did experiments where he dropped two - famously, two different uh, weighted uh, balls from pizza - Pisa and uh, they hit the ground at the same time showing that the - it doesn't matter. The weight doesn't matter. Air resistance does and stuff like that.

steve: I think he probably explained it a bit better than that.

ricky: Yeah, but I'm talking to Karl.

steve: Sure.

karl: Did - did - did they need to know stuff --

steve: He's just thinking about pizza.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Did they need to know stuff like that back then?

ricky: What do you mean, "Did they need to know stuff like that?", it's just - it's just --

steve: There weren't people going around going, "I gotta drop these two things off the bleeding Tower of Pisa. I just don't know which one's gonna land first."

ricky: Yeah. "I need to know." "Why'd you need to know that?"

steve: "Bring me Galileo."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "It's for a bet."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No, but if I was knocking about then I'd be like, "Stop messing with that. We need a telly" or - do you know what I mean?

ricky: I bet he thinks The Flintstones is real.

steve: I know.

ricky: No, "That'd be brilliant, that's what I do if I was a caveman, I'd make a telly out of rock."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "And the pelican as a cement mixer."

steve: "And a car that just I just ran along the road with."

ricky: Ex - yeah, exactly, yeah. "We need a car!"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "But we haven't really got the internal combustion engine. Can you stick your feet through the bottom?" "Yeah. Just get me a car for Christ's sake!"

karl: Anyway, so I learnt that and then um --

ricky: What? What?

steve: He learned his name.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "Other people I know the name of this week" --

ricky: Brilliant. Oh, if a chimp could watch telly. Go on, Karl, go on.

karl: And there was also a fella in the week who said, uh, that women shouldn't be wearing trousers.

ricky: Why?

karl: Because they don't look good in 'em.

steve: Right, and who was this man and - and from what era did he --

karl: French fella, French fella. Last - last week.

ricky: Did he mean walk 'round naked?

karl: He's just said, um, women should wear skirts rather than trousers because no woman looks good in a pair of pants.

steve: Right. How old was he?

karl: Uh, he was probably about 67.

steve: Uhuh.

karl: About that, 67, 68.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Uh, wasn't happy with that. What do you think? What do you think about that?

ricky: It's rubbish.

karl: Yeah.

steve: These are the only things that have caught your eye over the last couple of weeks? This is the entire news?

ricky: Galileo did something with light. A French fella said women shouldn't wear trousers. See that - that, to me, wouldn't pass as education.

steve: It's not education.

ricky: I don't know where you could ever use that. I don't know when that would ever be applicable to life.

karl: I just - I just like reading stuff that sort of reminds me of - do you know what I mean? If I read and it gets me thinking. I think that's - that's a good little piece.

ricky: But I mean, I - but surely me - can't you just sort of --

ricky: Sit near something that vibrates to keep your brain going. Or shake your head every now and again. I mean, what does this do? You mean it makes you start using your brain?

steve: But what aspect of the 'A Frenchman said women shouldn't wear trousers' got your mind working? What questions were you asking after that?

karl: Because I thought that's a bit-that's a bit daft, innit? Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And I was thinking-

steve: It ends there with me.

ricky: (laughs)

steve: There's nothing else. There's nowhere else for me to go on that.

ricky: (laughs) He closes the-

steve: Your mind's still whirring!

ricky: (laughs) Yeah, go on. What did you think? Let's go through this. Oh I wish we could download his thoughts.

steve: I know, I know.

ricky: Just watch it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Wouldn't it be great?

ricky: Like a DVD.

steve: -cartoon.

ricky: Imagine that extra footage on The Office DVD.

steve: Yeah. 'Karl's brain'.

ricky: That would be amazing!

steve: With a commentary.

ricky: Oh, with a commentary!

karl: What I mean is-

ricky: Go on.

karl: Women wearing-wearing trousers and that, right? On the estate that I grew up in.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: (correcting himself) On-on. Right? There was a woman about four houses down. Right?

steve: Right.

karl: Rough.

steve: (laughs)

ricky: She was or the estate?

karl: She was.

ricky: (laughs)

karl: She's the one who's kid took a horse into her house.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Right.

karl: Now, we won't go over that again.

steve: No.

ricky: No.

karl: If you're a new listener, I think we've covered...I think they get the idea.

steve: That's all you need to know.

karl: Right.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Now, she used to wear leggings.

ricky: (sniggers)

karl: Now, they're a bad idea.

steve: They are a terrible idea. I agree with you there Karl. If you're a lady of the enormo persuasion...

ricky: What colour? Were they pink?

karl: No they were sort of black but with all bits on them.

ricky: Oh right.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

ricky: What, toast and horse droppings?

karl: Just bits.

ricky: Yeah, go on yeah.

karl: And...she used to erm..

karl: She's quite a big woman.

steve: Sure.

karl: Pauline Quirke, I think I described her as.

ricky: Looked like a lightbulb when bending over in leggings.

steve: It is those kinds of woman that are attracted to leggings.

ricky: Yeah. I know yeah.

steve: They are drawn to them like a moth to a flame.

ricky: (laughs) Yeah.

karl: She used to wear them and that's what I remembered when I read this piece. She used to work on one of those sex line things.

steve: Right.

karl: She used to do that.

steve: What was she, an engineer?

ricky: (laughs)

karl: The weird thing with her was, erm, she had-

karl: -big eyelids.

ricky: (laughs)

steve: Right.

ricky: Go on.

karl: That-that were too big. And this is what I was thinking.

ricky: What-what-what do you mean she had big eyelids? How big do eyelids have to be for you to go 'they're big eyelids'.

steve: (laughs)

ricky: What, was she shoplifting with them? Would she come out of Dixon's with like radios stored in them? What do you mean she had big eyelids?

karl: It was another one of them popular things around our way. Do you know like-

ricky: What do you mean 'popular things'?!

karl: A few people had it.

ricky: They'd go, 'I'll tell you what, they're all the rage. Can I get some big eyelids please?'.

karl: No no no. It was just like one of them things that people suffered with. Just big eyelids. They could-

karl: -hardly open their eyes.

ricky and steve: (laughs)

ricky: What do you mean?! What do you mean? 'That's one of them popular things around where I grew up. People who had big eyelids. They could hardly open their eyes.' What does that mean? What sort of freak town were you born in? You had webbed feet people with big heads. You've got women with big eyelids. What does big eyelids mean?

steve: Are you confusing her with the horse?

ricky: (laughs) Yeah, yeah. Did she have hooves? Look, what-

karl: Just too much skin. It was like the neck of a chicken.

ricky: (laughs)

karl: But on the eyes.

steve: What's your point? Anyway, so there was this big eyelidded woman with the leggings.

karl: That's what I'm saying to ya though. That's-when I read that story with people with trousers. I went from that on to that.

ricky: To a woman who used to have big eyelids. I still don't know the point!

karl: But then-but then, and also the other bloke who had the eyelid problem was a mate of mine.

steve: Right.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: His dad it. Same problem: massive, massive eyelids.

ricky: I don't know what that means.

steve: I don't know what that means.

karl: And I used to say to me mam-

karl: "oh, I'm going around to, you know, Dave's house"...

steve: Yeah.

karl: And uh...

steve: Or Droopy, as you call him.

karl: He'd just say "well, that's alright but make sure his dad doesn't take you out in the car", because he could hardly...

karl: He could hardly see, he had to have his head...

steve: He had to tilt his head back to keep his eyelids open?!

ricky: "Make sure"... didn't he have a couple of matches with him at all times?

ricky: Ohh.

steve: What a load of gobbledegook!

karl: S'weird innit?

steve: I like the fact— this began as Educating Ricky, so what...

ricky: I know, and he's like "people with eyelids"...

steve: ...he was thinking— but it's like you're supposed to make that leap

steve: As well.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "If I mention the trousers, Ricky'll probably be thinking about people with big eyelids"...

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: ..."and women wearing leggings"!

ricky: Play a record, Karl.

steve: Nonsense!

karl: Adverts?

ricky: No! Oh alright.

ricky: Muse, "Time Is Running Out" on Xfm 104.9.

steve: Just a couple of emails, just to update you on what's coming in here.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Natasha has emailed us, she says that she's of Chinese origin and at 27 she often got mistaken for 24. So your notion that Chinese people don't age well

steve: Is obviously factually incorrect.

ricky: Yeah, well we didn't need— thank you for phoning but I mean honestly, trust us Natasha we didn't need you to tell us that. We know Karl is talking absolute nonsense.

karl: Wait til you get to 30.

steve: Oh, dear. Now this is quite a nice email from Paul. He says "let Karl know that I have a Chinese friend called Oy, imagine the confusing and amusing situations we get into".

ricky: When we're out and about in busy Soho.

steve: Yeah. Oy!

karl: Is his

karl: Surname C'mere?

steve: Lightning wit from Karl, that's nice.

ricky: "Wait til you're 30".

steve: Yeah, I know.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: But no actually we've had a surprising response to Songs of Phrase this week, despite the fact everyone has agreed that it's racialist...

steve: ...they've nevertheless had a go, so keep your answers coming in...

ricky: Good.

steve: ...because, you may as well.

ricky: You're a hit, Karl. You're a hit. What have we still got Monkey News?

karl: Yeah, that's still coming up.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: That's guaranteed.

karl: Later on, later on. Don't worry about that.

ricky: We're not doing Cheeky Freak of the Week any more though, are— we're not?

karl: No, don't want to upset people and that. But there is a good freaky programme on this week.

ricky: Go on.

karl: I think it's on Channel 4.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Got a woman with a big head on it.

steve: No, I think that's BBC2.

karl: Is it?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Oh, right. Well, look out for that.

steve: Unless there's two on, cause that'll be a great week for you, wouldn't it?

karl: Brilliant. Won't be coming out...

ricky: Is that the one where you said— go on, say what you said when you saw it.

karl: Uhh, the woman with the head?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Just said it looks like a cartoon.

ricky: I just think...

steve: That's so mean, I don't want to discuss this.

karl: No, it's not mean.

steve: It is mean, Karl!

karl: Again Steve, if we were in a restaurant and I'm arranging to meet her, and I said to the guy on the door "I'm meeting, you know, Lisa" or whatever her name is, yeah?

steve: Right.

karl: "What does it look like?" "Well, looks like a cartoon. I'll be over there".

karl: D'you know what I mean? I don't think he'll get mixed up.

ricky: What would you say about me and Steve again? If you were meeting us?

karl: No it just starts getting nasty, doesn't it?

ricky: "Um, I'm meeting"

ricky: 'Eh, Karl Pilkington', 'Eh, we're very busy, what does he look like?', 'Erm, he looks like Charlie Brown grew up. He's got a complete little round bald head and he's got a gormless look on his face', 'He's over there mate'.

steve: (laughs) Yeah.

ricky: Alright? That's started the ball rolling for ya Karl. I love that: that it's okay to say what you like about people if you go 'Yeah but if I was looking for her in a restaurant'.

steve: I know, but-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Why have you arranged to go on a date with this woman?

karl: Be a good night out.

ricky: (sniggers)

steve: For her or for you?

karl: Well...

karl: I'd like to have a chat with her. You know what I mean? Just find out what worries her and...you know what I mean? Because some girls-

steve: People like you.

karl: -worry about daft things.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: About their hair being a mess and that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: With her it's like, least of your problems.

ricky: (sniggers)

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Fine, alright, well let's move on. We're not doing 'Cheeky Freak of the Week' anymore.

karl: No.

steve: Let's do something nice. Let's talk nicely about things.

ricky: What's happened nice in the world, Karl? What do you like in the world? When you get up and you go 'Oh, that was a brilliant day. I dot dot dot'. What do you do when you go 'Oh, that was brilliant'.

karl: Eh...

ricky: We had a game of- a nice game of snooker. You like snooker, don't you? Me you and Steve played snooker last week.

karl: Yeah but things are always ruined. Do you know what I mean? I might be having a nice time having a game of snooker-

ricky: Hmm.

karl: And then, you know we're having a proper battle and I'm trying to concentrate on taking a shot and then you'll say things like 'Look at his little monkey hands.'

ricky: (laughs)

karl: When I'm going for the black. Do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Or maybe I'll say 'I'm just going to the toilet' and then

karl: One of you will follow me in and peer over the-over the door.

ricky: (laughs) Oh yeah! Tell that one! That was when you were actually in a cubicle sitting down, wasn't it?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: And Steve Merchant's head appeared and went 'Alright?' and you went 'what if that wasn't me?!'. Oh, that was great.

karl: Doing a George Michael on me.

ricky: Well, I wouldn't go that far.

steve: That is one of the benefits of being very tall.

ricky: You can look over at Karl.

steve: You can look over the stalls in lavatories (laughs)

ricky: (laughs) It looked like a giraffe house! You're sitting down there and you look up- 'Alright?'- and he's peering over-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -the top.

steve: Haha.

karl: Anyway.

steve: Oh the fun we have.

ricky: Oh, it's great innit?

karl: But anything intelligent we can talk about?

ricky: It's like The Monkees. We are like The Monkees. Aren't we, us three? I wanted to write a thing for The Darkness. I want to write a-like the new Monkees.

steve: The TV show?

ricky: Yeah. Do you wanna do that?

steve: Um, yeah alright.

ricky: Yeah okay. Well if they're listening or their radio show-record company are listening or their manager. Big fan of The Darkness, my favourite-

steve: Well hang on, don't make a promise like that.

ricky: No, no-my favourite band at the moment. Let's-we'll do a pilot. (inaudbile) The Monkees-

steve: No don't make a (inaudible) promise.

ricky: Running around, speed it up. They can have their songs in it.

ricky: They can write songs especially for us.

steve: What if they can't act?

ricky: They can act! They just act themselves running around. We'll get in people like Henry Mc-what's it-McGee and that, to come in and sort of be the actors.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know. All those posh actors that appear in Ali G and that.

steve: It sounds like a lot of hard work.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Okay, forget it.

steve: Knock it on the head?

ricky: Yeah, let's play Radiohead.

ricky: Radiohead and Let Down off Ok Computer. On XFM 104.9. Right, let's think of some nice stuff then.

steve: Annoyed, I was yesterday.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Just got off the train and em... guy comes up to me and he says 'Excuse me, can you spare some change? I'm from Liverpool and I'm homeless'.

ricky: (sniggers)

steve: And I was so angry. I-really-I was in a bad mood anyway and I just wanted to say to him 'Well, there's your mistake.'

steve: Go back to Liverpool. That's why you're homeless, your in London!

ricky: Well he might have been homeless in Liverpool and thought if...

steve: (interrupting) Well why come down here!?

ricky: Well, where would you rather be homeless Liverpool or London?

steve: Well, Algarve.

ricky: Well, no, but I mean, I'd certainly... do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah, but just... why [inaudible] I'm from Liverpool and I'm homeless - is why is that supposed to be a persuading factor? just annoyed me. I thought there's enough problems here already.

ricky: He's going for doublety sym, double sympathy vote.

steve: Yeah

ricky: I'm homeless and I'm a Liverpudlian.

steve: He could have just said, "I'm from Liverpool" - I'd have given him some change.

steve: Guy said he was from Manchester once and I gave him my sandwich.

ricky: Yeah

karl: The thing the other night, right, they do this program. Uhh, It's only on in London. So if you listen at London you all know about it, but it's about uhh Oxford Street, right and umm...

ricky: About all the thieving that goes on there?

karl: Theving... uhh, drug problems.

ricky: Yeah

karl: On the streets and that.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Uhh, you know what gets on peoples nerves- those people with the boards, you know, golf sale and all that. And erm, this bit that concentrated on the homeless problem. right?

karl: And he said, you know, this fellow looks after the homeless he goes up to him says "how you doing, are you hungry, do you need food and that?" he said, "you know a lot of people worry about the homeless but we do try and look after them" and the Salvation Army were there and they said "this is where they can come if they need anything, if they need any food or any clothes if the shoes are worn out" and he said, "Oh, can we have a look at that", right? So they go in this little room where all the clothes are and they go and there's, there's, like a load of jumpers for them in the winter when they're cold and the cameras sort of pans across...

karl: Load of Ties!

steve: Right...

karl: For the homeless...

steve: What?!

karl: Ties!

steve: Ties for the homeless?!

karl: For round their neck, like, to look smart.

ricky: No, they use them as belts

steve: Or as the lead for their dogs.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah. Yeah.

steve: What are you talking about ties?!

karl: That's what they did. They said here's the room with all the stuff in it. Jumpers. For the homeless. Jumpers. Shirts.

steve: And some ties...

karl: A load of ties, nobody wanted one.

steve: An evening dress! For a formal function.

ricky: Any cravats? Any cravats? where's the cummerbun? I'm thinking of being homeless outside the Royal Albert Hall tonight?

steve: Yeah

ricky: That's where the real pickings are.

steve: I'm breaking in the back door of the Savoy this evening.

ricky: Oh dear...

karl: Another charity thing that was reading about the other day that they doing...

ricky: Do they give them trainers? Because I've seen a lot of traps with new trainers and I think there must be like a, like the equivilent of a soup kitchen where they get shoes because that's that's it must be. Yeah. Otherwise, that's weird init? and it you get uh...You blow any money. You beg all day...

ricky: Get a nice new pair of Nike. Yeah, don't waste it on clothes. Get some Tennants, get some yeah Special Brew. That's the best value. Go on.

steve: Get some smack.

steve: You've got a lot of worries living on the street.

ricky: Yeah, little starter bag - only a fiver.

steve: Take your mind off it.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That's weird, that you say that. Because you know - are trainers the most important thing because like, you know all the problems in Africa?

steve: Sure

karl: Right, a lot of problems going on there.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uhh, the other day they're asking for people to send...

karl: Uh.. spectacles

karl: To Africa?

steve: Right.

karl: Would you be happy if you were over there and like you're hungry and that and then they say "here you go."?

ricky: Well, yeah but it must be for a reason. I don't think it's-

karl: I'm just saying they've got bad eyes and that.

ricky: Yeah, I know but I don't think they go around - it's not like when you see those things on Live Aid and there's people dying but they're putting specs on them.

karl: I think that's what it is.

ricky: No it's not, Karl!

karl: I think that's what they mean

ricky: They sort out food and medication before they put a little pair of specs on the lads.

karl: That isn't how it came across in the advert.

ricky: Oh, God!

steve: I think they'd probably walk hand in hand, you know - the people handing out the food are also you know walking alongside guys with the specs and they're handing them out as well.

karl: What have they got to look at?

steve: What?

karl: They don't own anything..

karl: They'll- they'll realize how bad everything is. "God, its rubbish here innit?"

karl: I tell you I try and help out the world, I've joined a little Charity thing. I pay me five pounds a month.

ricky and steve: Yeah .. yeah.

karl: I'm all up for helping.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But sometimes you think "what can we do you?" - you know what I mean? - "what can we do?"

ricky: Okay. What can we do?

karl: We can't do anything.

ricky: (Laughing) Okay, play- play a record.

karl: That thing - no... We were talking about the debt the other day. I was reading up on the amount of debt that South Africa are in and that and it's just like -

karl: -that's without any shops. Do you know what I mean? If they had shops to spend the money on there'd (stutters) be murder.

ricky: No, it's third world debt. It isn't because they've bought too many Smeg fridges from us.

ricky: It's shopping!

ricky: Look! Who's been shopping? "I have" "Aw well, you've gone over the top - you're on a budget now!

steve: Yeah!

ricky: You're getting nothing but grain and blankets for the next year. 'Cause you go mental, who's- who's- who's-

steve: Who just spent a billion quid in Dixons?

steve: Forthcoming single from The Thrills - that's called Santa Cruz.

ricky: On Xfm 104.9

steve: Uhm, we were just talking about people who do good work - you know - wandering up and down Oxford Street.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Giving stuff to the homeless and things.

ricky: Yeah

steve: And I was at a little - they have a little kind of music festival back in my home town of Bristol, periodically in the summer. They can never really attract any decent acts, but you know, we support them anyway.

ricky: Not even Portishead?

steve: Uh no, they were tricky.

ricky: No?

steve: No, no no no no

ricky: ..alright

steve: I think, well this year it was Robert Plant - uh, who sang lots of Old Blues covers and people were quite bored until he played Whole Lotta Love at the end and then we sort of went "Wahay! You should've done all the old Led Zeppelin. Stop playing all this other nonsense we're not interested in!"

ricky: Sort out his set list for him next time.

steve: Exactly, yeah.

ricky: Robert, Robert, Robert. No no no no no no no!

steve: Yeah but uhm, I just uh snuck off into the woods for, you know, a wazz because I'm quite rock and roll like that and I was passing - and these are a group of people - and I've always thought they never get enough praise, enough credit. And I genuinely and I mean this without - entirely sincerely, I really do, I don't meant to be - I'm not taking the mick at all. But the St. John's Ambulance people, they're absolutely blinding because they are - they all look like nerds and they all looked like, kind of, there's normally kind of fat women .. or kind of, or kind of blokes-

ricky: Well, I think you're doing - I think you're doing very well for their uhm, their new recruitment campaign.

steve: Well, what I was going to say - no!

ricky: So uh, I think you're selling it to people who want to join.

steve: This is my point, Rick. Is that they've not change the uniforms in like four years.

steve: It's normally-

ricky: Literally, they smelt!

steve: Yeah. It's normally the kind of the nerds from your school who went into it or whatever.

ricky: Yeah

steve: It's kind of old people. I saw them. They were all sat around in this little area. No one was, you know, they were just sat around, they were bored. They weren't really enjoying the music and I thought "Look at that! they're not - that fat kid over there".

steve: I pointed him out to my-

steve: I said, see that fat one over there? In the uniform.

ricky: With the glasses and the hair brushed forward.

steve: With the glasses- hair brushed forward, the kind of blue navy jumper.

ricky: Satchel?

steve: Little satchel, yeah. He's never gonna get off with a girl probably until he's like 30 and even then its-

ricky: Gets to lose some clothes...

steve: And even then it's because he's giving mouth-to-mouth to her...

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Right and I thought he's knowing anything. I'll tell you this - all these trendy young girls walking around in there in there in there kind of, you know, cool summer gear in their trendy tie-dye and the like. I'll tell you when one of them, you know, take something that's a little bit dodgy. They bought off some guy with dreads.

steve: Right, and then they're desperate for him and they zip in there. Oh quick, quick my friends, you know, passing out. She's had something- she's had a funny turn, and he straight there with his water and his medication. Oh, yeah, they need him then but you don't get any action the rest of the time, you know. That's what annoyed me about it, I thought they're doing a bloody good job. They turn a bit sports events at festivals. No one gives him the time of day. You never hear any good praise about them, and they're there sat there...

ricky: Steve...

steve: Hot or cold

ricky: Tell me the truth. Now, did you join the Saint Johns Ambulance last week to get some birds?

steve: Got no action! And I'd been passing some dodgy Es round all the festivals...

ricky: By the way, your dreads are awful. You can see they're fake...

steve: They're made from newspaper.

ricky: They're awful. You'd really do look at idiot.

steve: But seriously, All joking aside. I genuinely wanted to give some massive props - give some bigups - to the St. John's people, because I genuinely, without any joking, and I genuinely think they they do a brilliant job.

ricky: Could I just say how good I think the Salvation Army are - because you see those elderly ladies with surgical supports a lot of them, all look like Thora heard.

steve: Yep.

steve: Well, that's a prerequisite to get into that particular army.

ricky: And they play that bloody tambourine rain or shine... and they are just - all they're trying to do is to, you know, save you from burning in hell. And they don't get any respect.

steve: Are the Salvation Army... do they like, would they have to get called up?

ricky: Yeah. It would be the Gurkhas first, then all the regulars, then the TAs. I think then err, it's - I think then it's sort of like police...

steve: Lifeguards.

ricky: Lifeguards, firemen.

ricky: Down to I think AA and then it's Salvation Army. We send the Salvation Army. Obviously, if you know really I've lost a lot of...

steve: Yeah

ricky: Casualties...

steve: Sure.

ricky: You know, and they're... they'r the last to go.

steve: Yeah, but they all highly trained aren't they, all those old women. They can kill a man.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: With a single blow.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. So good. Good. Good to them. Good for Johns Ambulance, good to Salvation Army. Big up.

steve: But I think we should, just, you know - if I might introduce a new feature every week. Let's just give some props, let's just give some massive respect to someone who doesn't get enough respect.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Erm... who doesn't get enough respect... uhhh... who's done a blinding job... erm... Mother Teresa?

steve: She's gone... She won't be listening any more.

ricky: Erm, who's the best person... that there is? Who's the best person there is? I'll tell you what we're going to take it right, I'm going to call umm, either Carol Worderman or Esther Ranzen and say "who's the best one you've ever met that, you know - did something". Alright?

steve: And we'll Heap praise upon them next week.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Great.

karl: HMMM...

ricky: What?

karl: I just don't like, you know... They know they know they doing a good job, right? If I did that job I wouldn't want a pat on the back.

steve: You wouldn't need a pat on the back.

karl: People are starting to you know, it's like Carol Vorderman I like her, because she's all right. She does a good job. But now that Better Homes they only tend to turn up at people who have had problems.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Right

ricky: Leave it, leave it, ok.

ricky: Wait wait wait, go on, what you mean?

karl: No, at least they used to start off and it's like

steve: I haven't seen Better Homes. What is Better Homes?

karl: They go around and do someone's house up.

steve: Right.

karl: You know, I mean? But then they get a bit of bad news, and Carol thinks, "I'll cheer them up, I'll give them a new kitchen!"

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it annoys me because if you haven't had bad news, it doesn't mean you're not worth a new kitchen.

steve: Did you send in an application?

karl: Of course I did! Of course I did.

ricky: Yeah, it said that I'm bald, I'm from Manchester.

steve: But if you'd written that they would have rushed round.

ricky: Yeah, what do you mean that what they say So and So has a bad year 'is mum died, he lost his leg and all he's ever wanted is a shezlong and a hostess trolly.

karl: And the annoying thing is right, they might

karl: Not be the ones who write in, it might be a neighbor. They also might get something sorted out from them.

ricky: Really?

karl: So even though the neighbors had a bit of bad news, they go "cash in on this one". I'll send the letter in to old Carol, tell her that you know, mom's passed away, I'll get a new conservatory sorted

steve: Sure

karl: And sometimes our neighbor gets a better deal than the person you know I mean the person who's had a bit of bad news gets like a new little kitchen or whatever, neighbor next door

ricky: Leave the kitchen, let it go Karl.

karl: New decking in the...

ricky: You had to pay for our kitchen.

ricky: Is it done now?

karl: Yeah, the kitchen is sorted bathroom needs doing.

ricky: You had trouble with the grouting didn't ya?

karl: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Oh no, we haven't got ti... look play a record. We've got to do the results. and then we got to do monkey news.

karl: Could we quickly do the results?

steve: Well you say we got to do the results, it's not like people hanging on for them.

ricky: Just knock it out there before

steve: Let's play a tune and come back and do it.

ricky: Eddie and the Hot Rods, yeah?

ricky: Eddie and the Hot Rods, Do Anything You Wanna Do, that's uplifting innit. Oh the drumming, brilliant, takes me back all the way back to 1978 on Xfm. 104.9

steve: What were you doing, what are your memories?

ricky: I was actually probably dancing around, miming the drums to that in my bedroom. In fact I remember...

steve: Where you nude?

ricky: No. I remember that I had that

steve: What were you wearing?

ricky: I had it on a single, but I got it from an old jukebox. So it didn't have a middle. I think they're called dinked right, and so I had to line it up

ricky: Really carefully and sometimes by the end of it just slightly, where the record was moving you just had to...

ricky: Interesting anecdote there...

steve: Fascinating anecdote.

ricky: Yeah. Serves you right for asking me what I was doing 25 years ago.

ricky: Karl, quick Monkey News, but I need the results first then some Monkey News.

ricky: Right, play it again and give the answers. Here we go.

steve: Songs of Phrase, name the artists.

karl: That's Hue & Cry

ricky: Who's that?

ricky: Well, that's Phillip Bailey again.

karl: Right...

ricky: That was Roxette, the "look".

karl: Yeah.

karl: Yeah, right. We add a Hue and Cry, started it off. Uhmm "16", that's was Dean Martin. "Because" Jane's Addiction. "Chinese" Phillip Bailey.

ricky: That's the second outing he's had. Last time we used him was for Chinese in Hairy Chinese Kid, and he's never got so many

ricky: Well he's being used in racist game shows, brilliant.

karl: Then Roxette and finishing with George Michael.

ricky: Oh, dear. Brilliant, who is the winner?

steve: Well, the winner, actually, it looks to me like he's got all of them here. From Bognor Regis, it's Stewart Birch. Well done, Stewart and you get that bag of tat.

ricky: Bognor Regis?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Takes me back as well.

steve: Yeah, if you just email in your address, Stewart, and you can have those goodies. If you're not interested, don't bother.

ricky: Steve? Oh chimpanzee that, monkey news.

steve: Okay monkey-related news from Karl Pilkington.

karl: Right, John the monkey that went into space.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: It happened in 1958.

steve: Right.

karl: Now, you know that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yes.

karl: What did he do next?

ricky: What, what did the monkey do next?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: One appearance on Celebrity Squares and it was like forgotten.

steve: Yeah, cut enough novelty records.

ricky: Yeah, just like Rik Waller.

karl: I'll tell you what happened: He got back.

ricky: (laughs) He got back. Hero's welcome?

karl: NASA sort of said: You know, you did a good job.

ricky: (laughs)

karl: And that's where a lot of people think, think, you know, it all ended.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But NASA were like: Well, hang on a minute.

ricky: He's trained.

karl: We've spent a lot of time. We've trained him up and stuff. So he's like, you know, he's saying: Sure, sure, you know, I've learned a lot, I've still got it all, I've kept it all, I know what to do. So they said: Right, we'll use you. So he turned into like a bit of a trainer.

ricky: (incoherent) sent you out on the top of an organ.

steve: Yeah, yeah. Can you put on this little bellhop outfit?

ricky: Can you smoke fags? I'll have a go.

karl: So, he was, they were getting in new monkeys. You know, the main man at Nasa was saying: Can you teach these the same? He was going: Of course I can. You know what I mean? I remember it all, I know what's going on, I'll tell them what buttons to press, what to do in emergencies, that sort of thing. He was technically, sort of, employed by the Army.

ricky: Right, can I just, can I just fit in here? I don't know the story, Karl, and I might embarrass myself here. You've got an army of people out there that'll probably send me an equally deranged email from a different website. But I'm pretty sure when they sent the monkey into space, it was to monitor its physiology. He didn't, he didn't press any buttons or learn to dock or take off. It just, it was just the effects of weightlessness and space on basically a primate. I'm pretty sure he was tied in with electrodes to his head. So well, yeah, I'm pretty sure.

steve: But even if that were the case and he had learned to press one or two very basic buttons.

ricky: Definitely not, definitely not.

steve: But even if it were the case, I'm pretty certain they wouldn't have brought him back to train up Neil Armstrong.

ricky: (laughs) Right, definitely, but go on.

steve: Them going: Neil, what you're gonna say when you come out there?

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: Oh, I was thinking of just saying: Hello, I'm on the moon.

ricky: Hello, it's made of cheese. Don't say that.

steve: Don't say that.

ricky: I've noticed that you've got little legs. But mankind step forward. Well, how can I put that?

steve: I was just gonna say: Hello, I'm on the moon, it's great to be here. Wish you were here.

ricky: No, no. You've gotta say something better than that. Yeah, go on.

karl: Anyway, basically he got back. They sorted him out with a nice pension. He was happy. Um, because of like the rank that he got, he

karl: It was like, you know, I had loads of medals and stuff. They said, right we'll make him a colonel. He got that.

ricky: Yep!

karl: Like I said, he got a pension. Errrrm. How does it end? He died in 1969. He was buried with his wife. Who passed away...

ricky: His wife! I'm sure... I'm sure he just goes on to a different website.

steve: Yeah

ricky: About something completely different and he just like...

steve: You were talking about Buzz Aldrin.

ricky: Yeah-yeah! His page is missing. Oh, dear.

karl: So....

ricky: Well that... Karl. I'm... If someone could call in. Did they train Lyca the dog to sort of like, you know, dock and re-entry.

steve: Never made it back, did he Lyca...

ricky: They didn't bother. They didn't even bother.

karl: We'll find out. Find out next week.

steve: They didn't bother bringing him back.

ricky: They just send him up there, and hey didn't have the technology to bring him back, they just went "yep, that's that". Brilliant! Well, I can do that.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Amazing.

karl: Really?

ricky: Yeah. What do you think of that Karl? Rubbish isn't it?

karl: Sort of brought it down a bit.

ricky: But the little monkey made a colonel. Hero. Big Hero.

ricky: What was he in, [inaudible] what craft was he in? Sputnick?

karl: Just having another look... he was in... Jupiter AM.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Let me see that piece of paper.

ricky: Yeah, I can guarantee, there's nothing there about it's training, other than "let's hope he's not sick on the control panel when we shoot him up at 400G". Oh dear. I love the fact that you think that this monkey was a hi-[monkey noises] - do you know what I mean?

ricky: Do- when when you think of these things that they send a monkey into space, do you think that the Planet of the Apes? Like they're sort of talking, sort of chimps and gorillas and they're they're in tunics on Horseback with snub-nosed rifles. What do you think of?

karl: Just a little monkey, getting on with it. He knows his job. He knows what he's got to do. He gets on with it.

ricky: Look he's pressed the button. Watch him press the button. This takes me back. Do you remember 1965 I think it?

steve: They're going to use him to train other DJs.

ricky: Yeah (laughing)

karl: That's it then.

ricky: Goodbye.

steve: Thanks Cheers.

ricky: Cheers.

• Season 1

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 01

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    Season 01 Episode 02

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    Season 01 Episode 03

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    Season 01 Episode 04

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    Season 01 Episode 05

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    Season 01 Episode 06

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 07

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    Season 01 Episode 08

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    Season 01 Episode 09

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 10

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 11

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 12

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    Season 01 Episode 13

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 14

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    Season 01 Episode 15

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    Season 01 Episode 16

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    Season 01 Episode 17

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    Season 01 Episode 18

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    Season 01 Episode 19

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    Season 01 Episode 20

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    Season 01 Episode 21

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    Season 01 Episode 22

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    Season 01 Episode 23

• Season 2

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 01

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 02

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    Season 02 Episode 03

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 04

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 05

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 06

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 07

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    Season 02 Episode 08

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 09

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 10

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 11

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 12

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    Season 02 Episode 13

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 14

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 15

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 16

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 17

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 18

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 19

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    Season 02 Episode 20

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    Season 02 Episode 21

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    Season 02 Episode 22

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    Season 02 Episode 23

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    Season 02 Episode 24

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    Season 02 Episode 25

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 26

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    Season 02 Episode 27

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    Season 02 Episode 28

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    Season 02 Episode 29

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    Season 02 Episode 30

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    Season 02 Episode 31

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 32

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    Season 02 Episode 33

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    Season 02 Episode 34

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 35

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    Season 02 Episode 36

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    Season 02 Episode 37

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 38

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 39

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    Season 02 Episode 40

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    Season 02 Episode 41

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 42

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    Season 02 Episode 43

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    Season 02 Episode 44

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    Season 02 Episode 45

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    Season 02 Episode 46

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    Season 02 Episode 47

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 48

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    Season 02 Episode 49

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 50

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 51

• Season 3

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 01

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 02

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 03

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 04

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 05

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 06

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 07

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 08

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 09

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 10

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 11

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 12

• Season 4

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 01

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 02

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 03

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 04

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 05

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 06

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