XFM Vault - S02E50 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Elbow, alright? Fallen Angel, on XFM 104.9. Well we're back. I'm Ricky Gervais and with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl's all, a little bit, I don't know he's a bit frustrated. He's sort of a bit sweaty and fed up today, aren't ya? Because of the heat.

karl: It's too much though innit?

ricky: He was taking it out... he was sort of... he wanted a fight. You know he doesn't usually like to fight. I sort of like lean on him and rub his head.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But today he was sort of leading it. It was sort of like getting a little bit... if I didn't know anything better I'd say it was sexual frustration.

steve: Well I was watching Rick, if you don't mind me saying, I was watching, not in the that way...

ricky: He was saying "I want to hit you" and I was thinking "does he want to hit me or does he want to do something else to me"

steve: Exactly.

ricky: What are your thoughts Karl?

steve: Exactly.

karl: I mean, I saw him sort of wrestling with you on the floor and you clearly weren't enjoying it. But he was really loving it.

ricky: Yeah, what was going on? What's the change? Why are you suddenly sort of...

karl: What are you trying to say?

ricky: No, I'm not. I'm just saying it was weird that you were suddenly... it was like you were... ooh... don't know...

karl: You saying that I'm a bit gay?

ricky: No.

karl: Is that what you're saying?

ricky: No, but what was...

karl: Suzanne accused me of that in the week.

ricky: Why?

karl: For being a bit gay. She said "I'm sure you're gay".

ricky: Why?

karl: Just because I was moaning about stuff, she said "oh you're a drama queen".

ricky: Right, well that's...

steve: What were you moaning about, not having enough gay sex?

karl: Just...

ricky: That she didn't have a knob. He's going "Why don't you get yourself a nice little knob?". Can I call you Frank?

steve: Could you wear this false beard?

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: It was just, erm, well we'll talk about it later, it was about the Seven Wonders, I just wasn't that impressed.

ricky: He wasn't impressed... he said... well we'll save it. We got a top show coming up haven't we?

steve: But if you are a little bit, kind of, just a little bit sexually, you know, don't be afraid to let it out. I mean if you want us to relieve you of it.

ricky: I tell you what, let's have a little bit of Maggie May by Rod.

karl: Can't we play Killing Of Georgie?

ricky: Erm, that's your favorite song isn't it? That's weird, isn't it?

steve: Strange.

ricky: That's weird. I'd like to hear Rod Stewart singing about a lovely lady, please Karl.

steve: As would I. You can picture whomever you want.

ricky: Bit of Rod. Maggie Mae on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Steve.

steve: Well, I've only just read about this and I'm quite... I don't know anything about it, this naked rambler, Steve Gough.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is he doing some kind of walk from Land's End to John o'Groats, is he completely nude?

ricky: Yeah, he's been arrested ten times on the way, apparently.

steve: Right. It says here that Nora Gough, his mum, she's in her 70s, she's begged her son not to walk naked from Land's End to John o'Groats. She says, "I don't know where he gets this from, certainly not me. I am and have always been quite conservative. He would never have been allowed to walk around the house without covering himself up. I won't go as far as to say I'm ashamed of him, but I do not approve of what he is doing. Having said that it's good to see him on the telly."

ricky: Yeah, yeah. It's slightly embarrassing until their famous for it. However embarrasing it is.

steve: I can't believe my son's a serial killer, nice to see him on the telly.

ricky: He looks like one, he's not, obviously, you know. I mean, Steve wouldn't say he was, he's just a rambler.

steve: What's his motivation?

ricky: Don't know, he's just a nudist I suppose. There's a picture in there. Karl looked at it and went "Urgh, what's the point in that?". He went, "Well look at him, he's got shoes and socks on.".

ricky: ..."he's got a rucksack on, he's got a hat on. He's not nude, he's just got his knob out".

ricky: But I like the fact he's got a full beard! Thinking "ooh, I wanna hide some skin"...

steve: Ha, yeah.

ricky: ..."whereas this little chap needs the air"...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ..."I'll pop him out all the time I can".

karl: No, they do— they really annoy me. Cause it's in the supplement today as well, with The Mirror, right. And they've done they've done a bit about nudists and that...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...again. Same problems all the time.

steve: Ha, go on.

karl: There's like an old fella sat there, just...

ricky: How d'you know he's old?

karl: Well...

steve: Why are you looking, Karl?!

ricky: Why you l—

steve: Looking at his face aren't you, presumably?

karl: Yeah, I'm just saying he's old and he's say there smoking a pipe...

steve: Sure.

karl: ...with his sandals on...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So quite normal just with his— his knob out.

steve: Yeah. Sure.

karl: But look, they always make the same mistake. He's got a little white deck chair.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

karl: If you're nudist don't go for white.

ricky: Why?!

karl: Sitting on that,

karl: Getting a bit clammy and stuff? I'd— oofff. White, don't go for white. Go for darker colours.

steve: I dunno what he's talking about.

ricky: Nor do I but I love it. I love the fact that he's just got loads of pictures of naked men.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Walking around with loads of pictures of naked...

karl: I'm just saying a dirty arse on that...

steve: I think we've discussed the nudists before though, I don't understand the impulse at all. I do find it bizarre. I mean there's a picture there of three men nude in a pub.

karl: Yeah.

steve: I d— ahh.

karl: Just having a chat.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Just havin' a chat! Oh,

ricky: Look at Karl carrying round those pictures.

steve: But what's the— I mean, OK fair enough walking around outside but indoors? In a pub, nude?

ricky: Well it must be a nudist pub...

steve: Pop on a pair of shorts.

ricky: Must be a nudist holiday, I assume. As opposed to like the local.

karl: There is though isn't there, there was a thing in Bizarre Magazine the other week where...

ricky: Sure.

karl: ...there was a picture of some people— they've got an airline of their own now.

steve: What, nudists?

karl: Nudes.

steve: Nude airline?

karl: So you just— you can get on there...

karl: And your holiday starts

karl: As soon as you get on.

steve: Sure.

karl: And uh... but what's the point?

steve: Well, I'd be worried just about it banging against things. You know...

ricky: So to speak.

steve: Yeah, my shoes and things.

ricky: Or, spilling the hot— when the waitress comes along, or air hostess, what if she spilled hot coffee.

steve: Yeah. That's a good point. Would she have to be nude? Do the stewardesses have to be nude?

karl: I dunno. But that bit as well where they walk down the aisle and they have to check if you've buckled up...

steve: Yeah.

karl: She's like, "excuse me miss, can you just..." And, over 50s,

karl: It's always over 50s.

steve: Right, yeah.

karl: So it'd be an old woman on the plane.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And you'd be like "can you just lift your left tit up so I can see the belt?"

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Oh, God!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Ohhhhh, dear.

steve: Imagine if you've got to go into the crash position.

ricky: Oh, God yeah.

steve: You know?

steve: The last thing you see is your John Thomas...

ricky: John Thomas.

steve: ...as you go crashing into a mountain. Terrifying— and then what if you've got to abandon ship?

ricky: I know, well how would they explain that, getting on to an island.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: "Alright?"

steve: Or being picked up by, you know, a passing ship.

ricky: Yeah. Karl, you noticed they also play volleyball a lot, don't they?

karl: Yeah, I mean you've always mentioned that but I thought you were joking, but they love it.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: They said that's what they do — they get

ricky: That can only be- either they got the idea from something like Carry On Camping, or Benny Hill.

ricky: Or they actually like it jiggling around as much as possible.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But is that safe?

ricky: Well, I assume so. You play volleyball with trousers on, don't ya? I wouldn't have thought-

karl: Yeah, but there's a bit of su- like, support there.

karl: I mean, I was watching, um, athletics, right? The other week.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And, uh, I was watching it 'cause there's a lad who- who I went to school with - he's like, winning gold medals and everything there in the Olympics and stuff.

steve: Right, right.

karl: So I was looking out for him. Uh...

steve: Now, if you went to school with him I'm assuming he's got three legs or something?

karl: No, no, he's normal.

steve: He's just a regular guy?

karl: He used to push me on, uh, on me gokart and that, so I feel like I've-

steve: You've trained him.

karl: I was there from the start, training him up a bit.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And, uh, watching the program. And there was swimming in it.

karl: And, uh, I was watching that for a bit, gettin' a bit annoyed 'cause...

karl: But- that butterfly stroke.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I don't- I don't know why they do that.

ricky: No, nor do I.

karl: It's just hard work, it doesn't make you go any faster than the- say the, that stroke.

steve: The front crawl.

ricky: Yeah, don't do that "that stroke" on radio it doesn't work - the crawl, yeah.

karl: So, uh, I was watching that thinking "oh, that's annoying."

steve: Yeah.

karl: And then they got onto the running bit, and, uh, me mate's in this race.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Now, they do the side shot, don't they? So you can see who's in the lead.

steve: Sure.

karl: And then they do that front shot, where it's absolutely pointless

karl: The only reason to do the front shot I- I think, is to keep women interested.

karl: Because you can basically see... his tackle, goin' from left to right - being battered all over the place.

ricky: Why were you looking?!

karl: Seriously, you had no choice.

karl: If you wanted to watch it, it was like- I was interested if he was gonna win. But it's like, you know.

ricky: But why didn't you turn over and watch Charlie's Angels instead?

karl: Because I wanted to see if he won the race!

steve: Well, flip back at the end.

ricky: Just flip back to get the results.

karl: Well...

steve: Or at least turn away or close your eyes from the front shot.

karl: No, I wasn't- I just- Suzanne was happy, Suzanne was loving it.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And I was like "whoa whoa whoa!"

steve: Yeah.

karl: Just go to the other shot - but they were showing you the front shot, and running along there.

karl: They could've just shown the top half, but they didn't.

steve: Sure.

karl: It was there-

ricky: Just heads moving along at 25 miles an hour! Yeah.

ricky: I think you're meant to see the running, the actual legs moving.

ricky: It is an athletics coverage, isn't it?

karl: But they don't show you a shot from behind.

ricky: Did you want that?

karl: ...and I didn't want that either.

steve: It sounds like you were disappointed!

ricky: Yeah, play a record.

karl: What are we havin'? A bit of Radiohead?

ricky: Yeah, be brilliant wouldn't it?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Incidentally, last week you remember we began the show by talking about knobs.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I think we've got a bit more knob news this week.

ricky: Knob news comin' up is it?

steve: Knob news is on the way.

ricky: After Radiohead: more cock.

ricky: Radiohead and "Go To Sleep" - that's not to you, please don't go to sleep, we've got another hour and thirty five minutes of fun chat and great, great music on XFM 104.9 - I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Pilky, K-man Pilkers, little baldie twat manc whinging- a little bit bent Pilkers.

steve: There he is.

ricky: There he is there.

steve: Now, Rick, you may remember that last week we opened with, um, some quality, uh, knob news.

ricky: Knob news, yeah.

steve: It was, uh, it was, um-

ricky: Hitler's knob.

steve: Hitler's knob was one of them - that just- that just sparked off into a whole bunch of other kind of knob related discussions.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Almost at the halfway mark for this first hour, and so far we've only talked about nudity and/or todgers.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So, excellent work from us. Well done lads.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'm looking forward to Dr. Fox and the rest of the Sony Award committee listening to this one.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But more knob news, I don't know if there's a...

ricky: Go on.

steve: ...jingle for that maybe.

ricky: Ooooh he nearly had me eye out, knob news.

steve: Knob news, excellent. This is an extraordinary story: a woman tried to sue her bosses for £210,000 after finding a cooked penis in a canteen stew. Hospital cleaner

steve: Sophie something something — I can't quite pronounce the name — was eating goulash for lunch and could not cut one of the lumps of meat.

steve: You can see where it's going.

ricky: I've got so many questions already.

steve: I know. She picked it up and tried to chew it but it was too tough. Then she inspected it with workmates who all agreed it was a penis. Ha, imagine that discussion.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Miss Matlala said she vomited for the rest of the day, instantly became a vegetarian, and had to have psychiatric help. It's not known

steve: Whether the organ was from a human. The case continues.

ricky: Well, it can be found out, so that's one thing. It, obviously the— doctors aren't confused. They're not going "I dunno I've never seen one like it".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right. Also, why is she eating goulash?

steve: I know.

ricky: I mean that is my first question. Why...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You got your— "oh, lunch, ohhh". "What d'you want?" "Ooh, fancy some goulash".

steve: Yeah. Some gooly-lash.

ricky: Gooly-lash, like it.

steve: Thanks very much indeed.

ricky: Lancashire cock pot...

steve: Oh, brilliant.

ricky: ...is on the menu.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Only £5.50.

steve: Uh, umm, wangers and mash.

ricky: I'd love some wangers and mash please. If you've got any knob-related puns, knob food-related puns, then call Xfm on 3426 14094.

steve: Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk

ricky: Call Chris Moyles at radio1.xfm.whingingmank.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Cock-co-kayyy.

steve: Cock au vin.

ricky: Cock au vin.

steve: It's already done for you.

ricky: There's— so there's wangers and mash, cock au vin, Lancashire cock pot, you know.

steve: That's just off the top of our brains.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So, if you've got any of your own, keep 'em to yourself

steve: We're not interested. What do you make of that knob news?

karl: And it's in a hospital?

steve: I don't think so.

ricky: Oh...

steve: Oh yes it was a hospital cleaner, you're right.

ricky: Oh, God. I know how your mind's thinking already.

karl: There's been a mix-up.

ricky: "There's been a mix-up".

steve: What kind of mix-up?

ricky: I love that! What, some bloke's gone in— some lesbian's gone in wanting a sex change, she's got a carrot...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...for a cock.

karl: Bit of stewing steak.

ricky: Stewing steak, oh that would be great.

ricky: "You're not a doctor, you're a butcher. This is not a fanny!"

karl: There is some other news, uh — whilst we're doing the knob news...

karl: ...just cram this one in. There was some story on some news website about some lad who wasn't happy with what he'd been given.

steve: Right.

ricky: What d'you mean? He had an op?

karl: No, no— he wanted to have an op.

steve: He wasn't happy with what God had given him.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What, the Lord had popped downstairs

ricky: For him.

karl: And uh...

ricky: Sorry, no wait a minute. Was he a bloke who wanted—

karl: Yeah a fella, yeah. A fella. Wasn't happy with it.

ricky: And what, he didn't want a knob? Or he wanted a bigger knob?

karl: He wanted a bigger one.

ricky: Right, OK. OK.

karl: And uh, it cost five grand.

ricky: Right.

karl: And they made a mess of it.

ricky: Well what did they— how did they make a mess of it?

karl: Dunno, it came out smaller than we went in with.

ricky: Well no. What d'you mean?

steve: Ha, that's ludicrous.

karl: I don't know all the ins and outs...

karl: He borrowed the money off his mam.

ricky: "There's been a slight mix-up..."

steve: He borrowed the money off his mum?!

ricky: I love that.

karl: How bad is that?

steve: "What do you want for your birthday, son?" "Interesting, thanks mum for asking."

ricky: "Couple of bits of news as well." "Hello doctor, how did it go?" "Well, firstly don't look under the bandages and don't have the goulash for lunch."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: God.

steve: It was smaller than he went in with?

ricky: "Muuuummmm you got five grand?" "Why?" "Just gimme five grand!" "Tell me

ricky: What it's for!"

steve: "You can have it if you tell me what it's for."

ricky: "Well look at that. Oh you need a bigger one, yeah definitely. There's the money, on you go. Nothing can go wrong." What did he say to the doctor then? "That's rubbish".

karl: I didn't read all the ins and outs, I just— like I said I saw it, and thought...

ricky: Just looked at the picture?

karl: There were no picture.

steve: You just thought— well thanks for that, you just thought you'd put that one in. Thanks.

ricky: Yeah, that's the end of, uh— Knob News Extra! Play a record, Karl.

karl: Alright then.

steve: So if you've got any Knob News, we've got one more show left, send that to ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk and we'll hopefully get that

steve: Knob News on air next week.

ricky: Yeah. Alright?

karl: Yep. Some Dizzee Rascal?

steve: Oh Dizzee Rascal yeah, he's one of the hot new English rappers. Let's play it.

ricky: "Loosen Your Hold", South. That's great, innit, I love that one. On Xfm 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, Karl...

steve: Good choice Rick, good choice.

ricky: Cheers, cheers, cheers. What you thinking Karl? What you been doing this week?

karl: What's been going on?

ricky: Yep.

steve: You've been miserable because of the heat, obviously.

karl: That's getting me down.

steve: Yeah.

karl: It's just the way people wonder about as well, with

karl: Next to nowt on.

steve: Yeah.

steve: I'm always amazed by the men— there's a certain breed of man, sometimes it's builders, mechanics, taxi drivers, van drivers, but not necessarily. Students, all sorts of guys. And you'll watch them walking down the street, they'll be walking down the street. Girls, you know, will see in their summer gear, and it's literally— their eyes go and it's— "look at those legs! ohhh knockers, ohh I can't believe my luck, ohhh!" And they're sort of talking to their mates, they're checking— "oh it's an arse, I can't believe it, ohh"...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And it's like, it's like they sort of forget. There's like some kind of amnesia that sweeps over them during the winter months.

ricky: Like it's a surprise.

steve: Yeah, and then it's like—

steve: Every time summer rolls around again, and girls put on— they're just, "I can't believe it, where have they been?! They're back!"

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: And they get so excited...

ricky: "Excuse me love, have you had tits under there all winter?"

steve: Ha, exactly.

ricky: "Well yeah." "Bloody hell..."

steve: "I can't believe it!"

ricky: "...brilliant!"

steve: "It's great to see 'em again!"

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: And it gets to sort of October and they go, "where have they gone? They were here, what happened?"

ricky: And they just don't say anything, they just like get on with it, they don't know until they're reminded.

steve: They completely forget...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...for, sort of, half the year.

karl: And uh, there was a fella this morning— I just nipped out, having a cup of tea, reading the paper, reading that bit about nudists and that...

ricky: Sure.

steve: Sure.

karl: ...and uh, little old fella

karl: Must've been... 75?

steve: Okay.

karl: Walks past.

karl: Shoes, socks.

karl: Sort of, shorts, but because he's old I don't think he's got like a normal pair of shorts - they were like suit pants, but short.

steve: Right.

karl: Really smart shorts that I've never seen before.

ricky and steve: Yeah.

karl: But the thing is - with him being old and thin...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's just- don't do that, don't walk around like that.

ricky: What, the legs?

karl: The legs and the back - he looked like a little tortoise without its shell on.

ricky: I'd love to see- I've always wanted to see a tortoise without its shell on!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Just to see if it would run really fast and go "this is brilliant!"

ricky: Just scamper along!

steve: I saw a grotesque thing. I saw - and I think it's Britain's fattest man, I'm not sure.

ricky: Oh...

steve: He was huge - I mean, I don't wish him any ill. But so big, it was ludicrous - he was waddling down, um, Oxford Street.

steve: And, he was- I mean genuinely - you know I'm not a big fan of ginormous people, Rik Waller for instance.

karl: Yea.

steve: Turns my stomach.

steve: This guy was twice as big. He was extraordinary.

steve: And he sat down on a big bench, and literally took up the whole space.

steve: And he reached into his bag - he was having his lunch - and he was eating an apple.

steve: And I really felt like- I wanted to slap him on the back and go "it's a bit late for that, mate!"

ricky: Well, it's- he's probably starting now- he's probably starting thinking, like, "I'm gonna make a change" and imagine if you'd have said that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he'd have- it'd have been awful, wouldn't it?

steve: Yeah. He took- he cut it in half, put it between two slices of chocolate.

steve: I mean, I don't know how you get that big.

ricky: And waited for a pig to come past, shoved it in his mouth-

steve: Exactly!

ricky: Swallowed it whole! Ah...

steve: I don't know how he gets that big. And it was like- he'd come out to sort of, soak up some of the sun. You know.

ricky: Well, you look better with a tan.

steve: I suppose so.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Was he wearing loose black clothes?

steve: He was, of course he was loose black clothes!

ricky: That works up to a point!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And then, you know, it's not fooling anyone.

steve: Is it vertical stripes?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: To make you look thinner.

ricky: Just people walking past thinking it's night.

steve: Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

ricky: So, Karl.

karl: So yeah, so that's- you know, that's been annoying me with the weather and that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And then, uh-

ricky: I love the warm weather.

karl: No...

ricky: Although I can't sleep at night, I had two hours in front- just, went and laid down in front of the window. In front of the french window, just because it was just too hot last night.

ricky: But if I could sleep - I love the hot weather, I love walking around when it's sunny. It's better for you, people are usually happier in hot weather.

ricky: The sun is good for ya. I mean it has been hot - I mean it's a hundred degrees, it's probably too hot to work, but...

karl: Mental, I can't- I can't think straight and stuff.

ricky: You know, your little baldie head, isn't it bad for it? 'cause it just- doesn't it make your brain a little bit hot?

karl: Well, I mean I've just got me head on show, what about the nudists?

karl: Worry about them before you worry about me! Alright?

karl: Another thing that happened in the week, um, you know, I've just had builders 'round, sorting the kitchen out.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Sure.

karl: Uh, so, virtually skint. But another problem happens.

karl: Boiler. Starts playing up.

steve: Right.

karl: Right?

karl: Err, and you've got to have a shower in this whether, you've got to be able to have of a shower and that. Freshen up and what have you.

ricky: Well, have a shower every day anyway. I mean two sometimes, but yeah.

karl: Yeah, but if you haven't got any hot water you can't, can you? Right?

ricky: Cold showers alright innit?

karl: Hmm.

ricky: Go on.

karl: So anyway, so err, fella comes round...

steve: Yeah.

karl: 90 quid.

steve: 90 quid?

karl: 90 quid. Um, all the did - turns up, says "Oh, yeah, yeah, err, just bang it."

steve: 90 quid.

karl: Just bang the boiler. That's 90 quid.

steve: Last time I banged a boiler it cost me 90 quid.

ricky: And there was a... there was a lot of leakage then so I, you know

steve: I understand where you're coming from.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

steve: I do sympathise.

karl: But do you know how, like, I catch them out as well - do you know how, like, you know, I know that they're up to no good and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: They don't earn the money.

steve: Sure.

karl: And he was in the bathroom, so I sort of creep up and I try and stick my head round the door to see what he's up to...

ricky: What, with a bloke in the bathroom?

steve: Ha. Right.

ricky: That's weird innit?So you creep up to a man in the bathroom and put your head round without him seeing you? Go on though.

steve: Fair enough.

karl: Right, do you want to go over what happened that time when we were in the pub and I go to the toilet and you're trying to get in?

ricky: What happened?

karl: Is that normal?

ricky: Go on, what happened? Go on, i'm not ashamed, what happened? (laughing) Go on, go on, say it.

steve: What happened? Well, don't start a story and then don't finish it Karl.

karl: Will we do it later?

steve: Tell us now.

ricky: (interrupting) He was in the cubicle, and he'd gone in the cubicle to have a piss to avoid me annoying him, right?So what I did, I got some of that liquid soap and I just put it over and squirted it on him, and he came out going "Look, it's like someone's just effing jizzed on me. I've got effing jizz on me back. And then...

karl: Had to walk through Soho with that on me back.

ricky: I was walking through Soho! When was it we had to go the uh - when we went to the Ivy with those people? Wednesday.

steve: Uh, something like that, yeah.

ricky: We had a business meeting, right. And we were walking round to the Ivy, it was about half 11. I was going down Old Compton Street, and as I got to just going Mamma Mia, something hit me on the shoulder. I looked down and obviously it was bird shit. But just for a split second I thought it looked like jizz and I... I just thought 'Oh God', because, no... (laughing) And i sort of wiped it off and I thought 'Right, I've got to wash my hands when I get in... and what obviously wasn't jizz, it was just pigeon shit or something right.

ricky: But I had this pamphlet once at ULU. Terrence Higgins Trust left this pamphlet and it was all stuff like safe sex, like... (laughing) Honestly, it said things like 'You don't have to have full anal intercourse'. It said 'You can do lots of other things with your lover, like..."

ricky: It said, like, um, 'Like cum into some fruit, e.g. a melon.'

ricky: It said 'With friends, just cum on the back of one of them'. Right? And this is the bit that made me think, and I thought "Oh my god" when I looked down and saw it on my shoulder. It says.. (laughing) 'Cum out of a window'.

steve: Yeah, on any passing celebrity.

ricky: (Laughing) Oh god... Oh, I've got to get that pamphlet.

ricky: If anyone's got that pamphlet, it was brilliant. So, uh, yeah.

steve: Good, right. Well, let's play a record...

ricky: D'you reckon Noel Edmonds did stuff like this on his show? He's back.

steve: Oh, dear.

ricky: Smiths, and "Ask", on Xfm 104.9.

ricky: Before the— before that we had spunky news.

steve: Ha, spunky news.

ricky: Coming up, monkey news. That's the sort of linked... This is— Dr. Fox is no better than this.

steve: No.

ricky: It must be we're

ricky: Getting better now.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Have you got any other news there, Karl?

karl: Uhh, well you were just talking about bird muck.

steve: What a classy show this is.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Bit of a...

steve: I imagine someone just having a barbecue, tuned into this.

ricky: Yeah. "Can you turn the radio off, he's talking about coming out of windows again darling. It's put me off me sausages."

karl: Now while I was walking down— down the street and this pigeon, sparrow, whatever, did its thing.

karl: And it landed on me ear.

karl: And, it was like ohhhh, God. So uh...

karl: I thought, well I'm not going to wipe it off.

ricky: Why not?

karl: Cause I don't want to get it on me hands.

karl: I thought I'd leave it til I get home. So it was probably about...

steve: Ha, so you went to work...

ricky: Met some friends...

steve: Yeah...

ricky: ...got home about midnight...

steve: ...went on the pull.

ricky: "So I was best man, so after the speeches..."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That is brilliant.

karl: It was on there for about, I don't know half an hour or something like that.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: And I get home and I get some...

steve: Did it not kind of slowly ooze down your neck?

karl: No, no, it was fairly hard.

steve: Right.

karl: And um... it sort of corroded me ear.

steve: What you talking about?

ricky: Oh, God! Why did you leave it there though, why not just wipe it off with something. You can't— how can you walk round...

karl: I didn't have anything.

steve: Pop in a newsagent and buy some tissues.

karl: But then I'd look

karl: Stupid.

steve: What?! Whereas the bird's muck on your ear...

ricky: Brilliant. They're all wearing that now.

karl: But no, what is it they eat that...

ricky: Cause— it's alkali— no it's really strongly alkaline isn't it? Or is it acidic? I don't know. Maybe someone knows. Is bird muck acidic or alkaline? But it is corrosive, yeah.

karl: Weird, innit?

ricky: Weird, innit?

steve: It didn't seep into your brain...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Listen, do you want to do— do you want to set up Songs of Phrase?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: [sighs] Oh, God.

steve: Um, if you've not heard the show before...

ricky: I thought we weren't doing this this week. I thought we...

steve: I thought we weren't.

karl: No we'll do it once, right, and then next week's the last one so we'll do Rockbusters. Leave them off...

ricky: Might be the last one ever, depending on whether Karl decides to come back...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...in October or not.

steve: Exactly.

karl: I'm bored. I told you I'm bored of it.

ricky: Why are you bored with it?

karl: I get bored quick with stuff.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I told— I told Suzanne the other night how lucky she was that I hadn't got rid of her yet...

karl: ...she's, d'you know what I mean. Things...

ricky: You did put on soft music though first, didn't ya?

steve: Of course.

ricky: You didn't just like, start getting like...

steve: You've opened a bottle of wine.

ricky: [imitating Karl] "You know you're a very lucky girl." "Sorry?" "Well I usually get bored with you an' that."

steve: Yeah. "You're lucky I haven't pissed off."

ricky: "D'you wanna open the champagne or what?"

karl: Well she was annoyed the other night...

ricky: "Karl, what's that on your ear?" "Don't worry about it."

karl: We were walking to the pictures, right, to go and see

karl: Uhh, Bruce Almighty.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Why?!

karl: Just something to see, isn't it?

steve: Yeah. So you were you were trying to sneak in the back?

karl: So on the way - cutting across Leicester Square - and those fellows who sell roses it comes over "do you want one? do you want one?", I said "don't do that. She's allergic to them." Right? So so it go away.

steve: Yeah.

karl: She got all annoyed about that.

steve: Because she's not allergic to them?

karl: Well, she's not allergic, no. But they're about three quid each!

steve: The point of that Karl, is not that she really wants a rose - it's that you're willing to spend three pounds on her.

karl: Taking us to the pictures!

ricky: (laughing) How much was that? That was eight quid each. Did you pay for it though?

steve: If I know you, you had a dressed up as a small child.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Me and my son, please!

ricky: Or you made her sit on your shoulder as wear a long coat.

steve: Yeah. Exactly.

karl: Anyway, listen, songs are phrase then.

steve: You paid for her to go in and then you went and had a pint while she watched it.

ricky: Yeah, there's no point both of us seeing it, but tell me about it.

steve: Tell me what it's like.

ricky: Oh right. Songs of Phrase then.

steve: So let's explain what Songs of Phrase is.

karl: You do it.

steve: Okay.

steve: Really? if you think that karl is bored with life, then you will be even more bored once you've heard this particular quiz. The gist of it is that karl has taken a well-known phrase while saying...

ricky: Well, I'll stop you there. Not a well known phrase. Something that HE said once.

steve: On this show.

ricky: Yeah, probably.

steve: And he's somehow comp... compiled together a number of different songs, which have somehow built up that particular phrase or sentence

ricky: Umm if it's anything about Chinese people Philip Bailey will be involved. That's all I can say.

steve: Okay, let's hear it then karl.

karl: All right.

ricky: Right! I don't know what that is.

steve: I don't know what that was. This is appalling.

ricky: I don't know what that is! karl! KARL! I do not know what that is! What is the phrase?!

karl: I just was saying last week about everyone's raving about Galileo.

ricky: No! They're not! No. No. They're Not.

steve: That sounds like a sort of B-side from The Buggles.

ricky: No. Everyone's raving about Beyonce and Robbie Williams. They're not...

steve: And Pop Idol...

ricky: They're not. People going. "What are you in to?" - "Galileo's good!".

steve: Yeah.

karl: Forget it. Forget it.

ricky: No!

ricky: Placebo, song for Karl there. That's Special needs on Xfm 104.9 - I'm Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: We were doing songs of phrase.

ricky: Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Oh God. So what is this phrase? What is the phase karl?!

karl: Last week? We were talking about Galileo.

ricky: Right?

karl: And I just was saying - years ago, and I can't remember now. When was it? When was he doing his thing?

ricky: End of the 16th century I think.

karl: Right, and he was messing about trying to find out about... speed of light something?

ricky: No, he did lots of did lots of stuff, Galileo.

karl: All I was saying is.

ricky: Gravity.

karl: Back then, sure, everyone was saying - stop messing with that, make us a tele. You what what I mean - there was other things that people would have been happier with.

steve: Sure

karl: Back then.

ricky: Yeah, so the phrase exactly is what? The well-known phrase is what?

karl: Errr, Galileo... err...

karl: Oh it goes like this doesn't it?

ricky: So it's Galileo. Stop...

ricky and steve: Talking to me about science make me television?

steve: Make me television.

karl: Yeah, so you email in with the bands and that.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Well.

ricky: That is Rock Bottom. The well known phrase...

ricky: "Galileo please stop talking to me about science, make me television". As a well-known phrase is the one of the weirdest things I've ever... forget jizz out of windows and things like that. That is the weirdest thing. I've heard on radio as a competition

steve: Can we have that one next week?

steve: Umm, ok well here... here are the prizes. If you think, Rick, if you think the quiz has hit rock bottom, wait till I tell you these prizes.

ricky: Aww, brilliant!

steve: Erm...

steve: We're very much pushing new music on Xfm and it's an alternative music station.

ricky: Ehhhyeah

steve: So you'll be pleased that we're giving away "Now That's What I Call Music: 55" featuring the likes of Busted and Daniel Bedingfield.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: You really know how to cater to our audience, don't you? The best dance album in the world that includes DJ Sammy, Scooter and Liberty X. Look forward to that.

ricky: Yep.

steve: This is not so bad Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds a live DVD of a *coughs* pardon me, of a performance at *coughs* pardon me again, AHEM!

ricky: Cough!

steve: *cough* AHHH OH EH EH that basically sums up the prizes. So I won't tell you the rest are all monotonous. But anyway, *coughs* I think those crisps, Rick, have gone down the wrong way

steve: Or although I was eating goulash earlier. Sorry, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. So anyway, yeah, that's that's some of the prizes, and you can win some tat.

ricky: So...

steve: You can identify these artists.

ricky: The well-known phrase "Galileo stop talking to me about science, make me television".

karl: So just email in.

steve: It's appalling...

ricky: But easy this week, I think. Yeah. Play a record karl. I mean, it's ridiculous.

steve: Ricky dot gervais at XFM dot CO dot UK. The Pixies...

steve: The Pixies on Xfm. 104.9 Holiday Song.

ricky: You're talking about people coming around and just bang in the boiler and charging 90 quid I think was last Christmas.

ricky: We had a dripping tap, right, and it started off just dripping a little bit and then after a coup... I thought - you know - we'll get that sorted out. We couldn't actually turn the tap. Couldn't it was just solid where the... Where the the washer gone and then over Christmas like a couple of days before Christmas. It just started flowing. It was just like on and I think this is terrible.... terrible waste. It was the hot tap and cause everything....

ricky: The caretaker had gone away, and everything had been closed down. So I called out an emergency plumber; Christmas...

steve: Yeah

ricky: Right he couldn't get it, to turn the tap off, right. So he was trying and trying and in the end he said well, what I could do is, I could just squash the pipe. Right, cut the pipe squash it and then you could change the whole thing. I went, yeah, whatever right 'cos I can't have this. So, eh, he said, I've gotta go to the van and he got this tool, came up to squash the pipe. He was only a young lad right; wasn't strong enough. So I had to help him squash the pipe

steve: Right?

ricky: He squashed the pipe.

ricky: Cut it, put a little nozzle on it, you know just to seal it, right, and that was a hundred and eighty quid.

steve: A hundred and eigthy quid?

ricky: And I wanted to say say, surely, that's half mine.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I helped it, and I was sort of being sarcastic, Johnny was there, and I was going, how much was that tool you, he went, it was only about nine quid. I went, paid for itself hasn't it?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I was going, can I get one of them? He was going yeah you can get them anywhere. Obviously

steve: Yeah

ricky: And then he went, I wrote a check for hundred and eighty quid and he went, oh I didn't charge you for the nozzle on the end. I went, No? He went, I said how much is that then? He said two fifty, I said, can I give you the cash for that?

ricky: Two pounds fifty

steve: [Laughs]

ricky: A hundred and eighty two pounds fifty.

steve: So you hadn't even really sorted the problem out?

ricky: But what can you; What can you do? You know, he wasn't ripping me off. That's the prices.

steve: Yeah

ricky: He not going to go, I'll tell you what mate because you helped me, err call it quits.

steve: [Laughs] Yeah

ricky: Buy me lunch. It's not gonna happen.

steve: Yeah

ricky: My mate was locked out of his, er flat once, erm, and he went out and shut the door behind him. And that was it,and he looked through the letterbox and he could see his keys.

steve: Mmhmm

ricky: Right, phoned a locksmith; says look, can you come around I can see my

ricky: Keys, right [inaudible]. And he went, well, yeah, but that doesn't matter he said I'm gonna charge, its 90 quid and he went, 90 quid? Went, but, I can see the keys, he went; Yeah, I can get them for you; and he went and my mate said you're going to come around you're gonna charge me 90 quid and you're going to scoop my keys up with a bent coat hanger. And the locksmith said, have you got a bent coat hanger mate?

steve: Brilliant, but it's a fair point isn't it?

ricky: You know what I mean?

steve: It's a fair point? That's it,

ricky: What can you do?

steve: Yeah, I'd have gone Ha!

steve: Thanks for the expert advice and then asked a neighbor for a bent coat hanger

ricky: And they went well, we're call it a hundred quid.

steve: [Laughs] Yeah

ricky: But that's more expensive than the locksmith? Well, yeah, cos you're going to illegal traders.

steve: Exactly, we've got no license.

ricky: [Laughs] Yeah, yeah, we gotta, we gotta, pay a little bit more incase we get fined.

steve: Exactly, yeah

karl: But that's, that's what was going on when you know, the, the fella was round the other day fixing the boiler in the bathroom. Just wanted to make sure that he was, that he was working on it cos it all went quiet in there.

steve: Hmm

karl: He had the door shut, I'm trying to have a little quick peep,

karl: Seeing if he's doing anything, I push the door

ricky: [Laughs] It sounds

karl: Just pushing the door slowly and he's going don't come in, it's like what you doing?

steve: Well, what was he doing?

karl: Dunno, but then he's like three down, probably doing a crossword again. That's what annoys me, the way that you know, it's all secret. You're not coming in, and you hear the odd bang now and again and he's probably sat there, crossword, three down giving it the old [bangs on desk] just now and again

ricky: With his foot.

karl: Just annoying.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: How much did he charge you? Ninety quid?

karl: It's just under ninety quid.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: And all he said was, you know, "give it a bang". If you don't work again, give it a bang.

ricky: What does that mean? that there's an airblock and they just like... what?

karl: I don't know.

ricky: It's not that complicated is it, you wouldn't think a boiler is that complicated. It's not like understanding, you know, how fast breeder (?) works or a computer. It's a big lump of metal with how water it it. How... how can we not know that... we're discussing me and Glyn trying to work out how a fridge works.

steve: Right.

ricky: Pretty cool.

steve: Magic?

ricky: It is the magic comes down the electricals, into the frozen peas.

steve: (laughing) That's what I thought. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. cantstillcantsortof. I know it's something to do with the hydro fluorocarbons are, can exist at much lower temperatures without freezing. So when they enter the fridge sort of, under pressure... as they flow round, because they're in... the pressure goes down. They take energy from the... a... play a record!

steve: It's perhaps a discussion to have in the pub and not on the air!

ricky: Play a record. play a record, karl.

steve: I still can't figure out, I've never quite understood how a plane stays in the air.

steve: It always unnerves me when I'm in a plane.

karl: Turning a tap on, getting water.

ricky: Basically (inaudible) karl goes walking.

steve: Yeah, Yeah.

karl: Here's a bit of science for you.

ricky: Go on...

karl: Right, erm... read the other day.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: If you dug a big hole, right, say in - wherever - Trafalgar Square. Right.

ricky: Yep.

karl: You dig a big hole, and you keep digging, and you go right through the Earth.

steve: Right...

karl: Out to the other side.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So you're somewhere in Australia or something, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And then you go back to come back again. Come back to London right stand next to the whole jump in it. Apparently you can jump through the world in 42 minutes.

steve: It's interesting!

karl: But then I was thinking will you fall and then when you come out the other end, would you fall back again?

ricky: Well, yeah, you would wouldn't you?

ricky: What would happen is, you'd accelerate err, 10 meters per second, per second to the Center of the Earth.

karl: Mumbling

ricky: But you have such inertia you'd nearly go as far out the other end before it was like a bungee jump, so you'd nearly get as far as the other end. And then you'd go back again and you keep going until back and forth getting getting further and further away from making it - until you went "dududududu" sort of back-and-forth in the center.

ricky: Then you stay still in the center.

steve: Have you drilled a hole through the Earth? Get in touch email xfm.co.uk and just let us know how you got on. Did you get to the other side? Did you get to Australia? Did you buy one of those funny cork hats still see Paul Hogan?

ricky: How does a fish work?

ricky: Darkness growing on me Xfm 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I bored karl, lost him didn't I in a little conversation.

steve: Yeah, you're talking about quantum physics to be fair.

ricky: Yeah. I was explaining what a black hole was because we we're talking about that as well last night and just halfway through he just went "yeah, yeah yeah"

steve: Put his headphones on.

ricky: Yeah (laughing) brilliant.

steve: Yeah, cause he speaks with such Authority about things that he thinks he knows about...

steve: Right yeah, and when you try to explain to him, about stuff, that you know, he thinks, he goes No, of course ghosts exist

ricky: Yeah

steve: And you try to explain why it's conceivable they don't, ahhh nah nah, he can't be bothered with that argument.

ricky: Yeah, he's, you did all your learning about 12 didn't you?

karl: Yeah, but I'm still picking bits up now!

ricky: [Laughs] Said without irony, ahhh brilliant

steve: What have you learned recently? Anything interesting recently you've learned?

karl: Darwin. That's why I was asking you about him.

steve: Right?

ricky: Yeah, Darwin. We know what he did, didn't you.

karl: I don't know what I did. I just

karl: Read the other day that they've they've got a treatment for whatever illness he had. Thought that's a bit late. Steve: [Laughs]

ricky: [Laughs]

karl: Imagine that, saying that's to his family?

ricky: What did Darwin do? What did Darwin do?

karl: I dunno, you were, erm, just trying to explain it to me, but I'm busy doing stuff aren't I, I can't take it all in, whilst I'm sorting the ads out putting CDs in, you know what I mean, ticking off the knob news.

ricky: [Laughs] No, but he formulated the theory of evolution based on natural selection,

karl: Eh yeah

ricky: Yeah,yeah but wait wait though. Do you think that's good? You think he's sitting

ricky: Well done, you impressed with that? Because you're not impressed things like I know you famously said , er, erm Newton, so [inaudbile] gravity but it was already there. If we'd been floating around it'd been a problem, but we weren't so keep out of it. That's what you said. You said Einstein. I've never used EMC squared in my life but the bloke who invented the video recorder, I watch one a week. So I wonder if you're impressed by Darwin formulating, I think the most important scientific theory since Newton's Laws.

karl: Has it made a difference?

karl: Or, or whatever he said would it have happened anyway?

ricky: You can't do that. You're not allowed to say that, you can't say, oh well done I'd have found it eventually anyway. You can't do that. You've got to give people their dues, do you know what I mean?

karl: But but now it's difficult to find stuff because there's less to find out now,

steve: Huh! It's not a competition.

ricky: But on what scale and what scale are you looking at? Why do you mean there's less to find out

karl: Well now I mean, they're bringing stuff out that

karl: Do you know what I mean? It's just

steve: The iPod?

karl: Well yeah

steve: Sure

ricky: Didn't see the point in that the iPod, er, he actually listed the three songs he'd ever want to carry around with him. I can't remember what they were

steve: What are the three songs you'd put on your

ricky: What was it Killing of Georgie?

karl: Killing of Georgie, yeah

ricky: Yeah, what else?

karl: Probaby have, err, Elvis In the ghetto

steve: Right

ricky: Yeah

steve: Moving

karl: Living in the city Stevie Wonder.

ricky: Do you know what I, know why I like cos that's like a little film to him.

steve: Yeah

ricky: That's three songs where there is a little story, he knows the ending

steve: Yeah

ricky: But it's someone singing it to him, a little

karl: Just put them on a thou... how many songs can it hold?

steve: Well

ricky: Seven and a half thousand

steve: Seven and a half thousand

karl: Put that on seven and a half thousand times

steve: Sure

ricky: Well you don't need to do you? I mean that is like that joke that, the the wish pu, imagine putting that on seven and a half thousand times, you know that joke, you got three wishes. It says a never-ending bottle of Guinness and he goes, second wish, he goes, I'll have two more of these.

steve: Yeah

ricky: You don't need to put them on seven and a half thousand times. Do you?

ricky: Well, you don't have to

steve: [Laughs] Never mind Karl, never mind. Eh, answers rushing in we should point out, for the quiz. Most of them agreeing, that eh, it's pointless. Ehm, some people have called it; Songs of Phrase of course, ehm, some people are referring to as Songs of Arse. Which is more than appropriate; but you'll be pleased to know that it's ending this week and next week, we've got the return of the even more pitiful, Rockbusters

ricky: For the last one

steve: That's back for the last one. We perhaps also need your petitions to Karl if you want us to

steve: ... to stay on the air then you need to petition Karl, giving good reasons why he should stay; why this show isn't boring, or rather why he shouldn't be bored by it. I mean, you're bound to be bored as listeners, but obviously, uh... he's running out of steam now.

ricky: Why do you... what are you fed up with? You're just fed up with... in general, are you? Having your... want your Saturdays back, do you?

karl: Just want a bit of a life back, that's all.

ricky: But...

steve: But you don't do anything with your life when you've got it.

ricky: Why don't you... why don't you do this instead of, like, your day job?

karl: Can't. It's more important than my day job, innit. That's what earns the company money and that. Know what I mean?

ricky: Well...

karl: So...

ricky: Why don't you do... why don't you do a regular show then? Sack someone who's, you know, quite frankly not pulling their weight...

karl: Don't want to. Been there, done that. I did that years ago. Done it. Done it.

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Told you, I've done a lot of stuff. Boxing - done, tick. Dancing - done.

ricky: No, you turned up, the place was shut.

karl: Yeah, but...

steve: Dancing? When did you do dancing?

ricky: That's when he... when he went and said "oh, I want to do dancing", and he went along to the place and it was shut, and that was it. And he said "I didn't do it anymore". That's not doing it, is it?

ricky: Boxing - he had a fight with one lad...

ricky: ... then another lad beat him up and he didn't go again.

steve: Oh dear, it's pathetic. Well anyway, yeah, so this is basically our penultimate show. Next week's the final and we're all looking forward to that enormously.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But that may be it forever then and this... this... you know... all for one... you know, one for all, all for one. The Three Musketeers. Gone. Forever.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I for one'll be pleased.

ricky: Oh... I'll have to get some of these taped, 'cause I like coming in and sort of um... you know...

steve: Incidentally, Rick, don't be afraid to nick as many CDs as you see fit on that last show.

ricky: People have already nicked them.

steve: No, I know.

ricky: I mean...

steve: But just take whatever you what.

ricky: Is that 4 Non Blondes is still there, innit?

steve: I think it's still there.

ricky: 'Cause I don't want that to be nicked.

steve: Yeah. And I got a feeling, um... there's... 'cause I don't think there's any Smiths in the library but there is quite a lot of Gina G.

ricky: Really?

ricky: What? What was that sigh for?

karl: Nothing...

karl: Nothing, nothing...

ricky: What?

karl: Ooh... do you wanna...

steve: Play a record. Monkey News is on the way, plus the results...

ricky: This isn't radio! Keep... you've gotta keep talking or playing music!

karl: Play some music?

ricky: Yeah!

ricky: Heart of Gold by Neil Young on XFM 104.9.

steve: Um... Pop Idol, of course, begins this evening. I know you're looking forward to it, Rick.

ricky: Yeah, love it, love it.

steve: It's always a joy, isn't it? Especially those early rounds with the, uh... the divs.

ricky: The mentals. Yeah.

steve: Yeah, they are always extraordinary. That's the only reason I watch. I mean...

steve: ... I can't be bothered with the later contest. It's just watching the freaks for the first couple of weeks.

ricky: Uh...

steve: It's an absolute pleasure.

ricky: Yeah, I sort of like watching the judges, they're good as well.

steve: Oh, the judges are good, yeah. Yeah.

ricky: I like the fact they've got their little shtick, you know... the special jokes they've obviously written... just waiting to get them in.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: It's great.

steve: But, um...

ricky: I like when Pete Waterman cries as well.

steve: Does he cry?

ricky: Sometimes, if he's moved by it. "He's better than bloody Bobby Darin!"

ricky: Like it, yeah. Yeah. Rosie Ribbon made him cry... He just...

ricky: ... wells up and then...

ricky: ... like that. That's good, I like that. Yeah.

steve: He talks a lot of old arse, doesn't he, Pete Waterman?

ricky: Oh, I sort of quite like him though.

steve: Oh, I dunno, I find him irritating.

ricky: Well, yeah...

steve: It's like he genuinely thinks he's up there with Lennon and McCartney, as one of the great kind of... pop svengalis of his time.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And, you know, you...

steve: I dunno, he wrote songs for Sinitta.

ricky: Well...

steve: Don't bring that back.

ricky: Don't... let's not... let's not knock 'em, there's... Foxy's on there.

steve: True, no no, Dr Fox is a genius.

steve: And obviously he can step in if there's any medical emergencies. Um... Rik Waller, you'll be pleased...

steve: Now I'm a, obviously as you know, I'm a huge Rik Waller fan. Um, not only has he got a great singing voice but he really is a picture, isn't he? Um, now I know it's a bit harsh, I've said it before, but I, he does, um, he does make me a little sick to the stomach when I look at Rik Waller. Um, and I, to be honest with you, it's his own fault, you know, he went in Celebrity Fit Club, he had a chance to sort things out, and his attitude was wrong. And um, he didn't trim down. And uh, he's, for want of a better phrase, a bloater and slightly grotesque. But, you know, he's in the paper this week saying that it was all because of his image.

steve: He didn't fit the stereotype of what pop stars should look like, blah blah blah blah blah.

ricky: Well -

steve: He's disgruntled by this, he's got a great singing voice, and -

ricky: Well he has got a great singing voice.

steve: But the point is this, Rick. The point is this. Since the days of Elvis, since the days of Bing Crosby,

ricky: He's not as fat as Elvis.

steve: No - you're a star because you have to have the whole package. The voice,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The sex appeal, everything. We know how it works. Kids buy it. It's pop music. That's what pop music is.

ricky: Mmm.

steve: You know, if you want to be a big fat bloater, you've got at least be as good as Barry White.

steve: He isn't.

ricky: Or Pavarotti.

steve: Or Pavarotti. And so anyway, he set up a um, he set up an organization. He's already got a band. You know, he's got a band.

ricky: So you're saying get over it, the world should revolve around looks.

steve: But, well, no, I'm saying pop music. That's what pop music is. I mean, this kind of obsession with, he should get a chance, you know?

ricky: But not on record?

steve: No, I know, but um, be a session backer, be a backing singer.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: The point is, this kid wants to be a star, he wants to be a star, doesn't he, that's the point. He doesn't want to sing and make a couple of records. He just wants to be a star.

ricky: I, I, I'd thought, that's, that's the real rub, that's actually he's not being truthful to himself.

steve: Yes.

ricky: He doesn't just want to make beautiful music and sing well. He, he wants to be, you know, carried around on a sedan chair and adored.

steve: Imagine that.

ricky: I know, he'd, he'd -

steve: That's a number of people.

ricky: He'd have to have a lot of money to pay for the entourage that can carry him, I know.

steve: Yeah, the four elephants needed.

steve: But he's got a company now, he's set it up with his dad. It's a management company, it's called Star Search, and basically, he's hoping to break the fickle industry, um, you know, uh, expectations, and so if you're a bit of a grotesque, if you're a freak of some kind, if you're someone that Karl, you know, would be impressed by.

steve: Or um, you know, alarmed by, then you can get in touch with Rik and he can put you in there. Women with beards, little midget fellas, whatever. Whatever, it does not fit the usual norms.

ricky: Should we, should we come along?

steve: I'm thinking the three of us next week.

ricky: Oh dear.

steve: We won't, we won't have much to do after next week.

ricky: Mmm.

steve: You know, Ricky's got a bit of a singing voice on him. I'm learning to play Blowing in the Wind on the keyboard by Bob Dylan.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So I can master that. I don't know what you can do, Karl.

ricky: You can dance, well, you can dance, you can dance, can't ya? You know that, you've done it, you've done dancing, so.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: It's like, you know.

karl: Little Donkey. I'll have it here at Christmas.

steve: Perfect.

karl: I'm good at that.

ricky: What were you meant to be playing when you did Little Donkey in the play?

karl: Drums to We Three Kings.

steve: But you just busted live, didn't you?

karl: I've done that, I've done that. But just talking about looks and stuff, right?

ricky: Always.

karl: Cause um, you know, it, sort of Cheeky Freak of the Week with it, that, and I stopped doing it.

steve: Sure.

karl: It was upsetting a few people.

steve: Mhm.

karl: Um, there was a thing on the website the other day about elephant man, alright?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Just keeping up to

karl: ... keeping up on the news, what's going on there.

karl: And uh... they did a...

ricky: Trunky News!

karl: They did a thing about him and what he'd look like if his head wasn't messed up.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And they made a little picture for him.

steve: Was he quite good-looking?

karl: Not bad-looking, but he can't use it. It's not like... he can't... he can't put it on a passport.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah. Well, and the fact that he's been dead for several years.

steve: Yeah.

karl: No, but they also do that sort of thing for people who are alive. They say "this is what you'd look like".

karl: So you can't use it for that.

steve: Yeah.

karl: You can't use it on like...

ricky: Isn't that like... that's sort of like rubbing it in though, innit really?

karl: It is a bit. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Unless they said "good news - you were ugly anyway".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: To be quite honest...

steve: You wouldn't have pulled even if you didn't look like an elephant.

ricky: ... if you were symmetrical, you weren't a looker.

karl: You couldn't use it on a little dating agency picture. "This is what I look like".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, and then they turn up on the day...

ricky: "This is what I would've looked like", and they phone up and go "I'm intrigued, what do you mean 'would've looked like?'" "Well I'll see you, as we said, 7 o'clock." "How will I recognise you?" ...

ricky: ... "I'll be eating buns."

steve: Yeah. "Look for the giant cauliflower".

ricky: Yeah! In a coat.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: I love the fact that you're keeping up... keeping up to date with what the Elephant Man might've looked like.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: That is amazing.

steve: Karl's news is largely what's happening in around 1880.

ricky: Yeah, or what might've happened around 1880.

steve: Exactly, yeah. Yeah.

karl: No, but it's sad though. Did you watch that thing in the week, that 'What Are You Staring At?' programme?

steve: I didn't, no, I couldn't face it. I know what you mean, it was about people who'd had unfortunate deformities and stuff.

karl: Yeah, yeah, and it was really sad. I suddenly felt bad about, you know, some of the stuff we've talked about and what have you, cause it...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Can I just say something, right? That's quite a nice thing to say, "oh, I suddenly felt bad about some of the things we've talked about". Shall we go over what we've discussed today?

karl: What?

ricky: What subjects have we brought up today? How can you feel sorry about things like that when we're still doing it?

karl: No, but I'm just saying, you know, you have a laugh and that, but then you see a program about it and you go "oh..."

ricky: What, you realise they're real people you're talking about?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: When do you ever forget that? When do you ever forget, that when you bring up these Cheeky Freaks of the Weeks, or when we talk about Rik Waller, that he's... there's not a real person on the other end, thinking about it?

karl: Yeah, but sometimes it's hard 'cause they don't look like real people.

ricky: Play a record!

steve: Don't slag off Rik Waller.

karl: That girl was on with the big head...

karl: ... was like Bo' Selecta!

steve: We played some... Dizzee Rascal earlier, and...

ricky: And that was wicked!

steve: Exactly, and he's the new kind of, uh... the kind of London rap sensation...

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: ... but let's not forget Credit to the Nation from 1994 - Teenage Sensation...

ricky: They're from Birmingham though, Steve.

steve: Whatever happened to MC Fusion? He got a lot of bad press at the time, people didn't respect him, but I'm listening to that now, I think it was bloody brilliant.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Alright?

ricky: And crucial and that.

steve: Exactly. Adverts.

ricky: Kings of Leon - Molly's Chambers...

ricky: ... on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, you're Stephen Merchant and that little... little bald head mank over there is Karl Pilkington.

steve: Cock-a-leekie soup?

ricky: Cock-a-leekie soup is fine.

steve: That was one from Nick - thanks for that, Nick.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is it Nob News?

ricky: Of course, referring to the woman who chewed on a nob in a goulash.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: People...

steve: If you've just tuned in, you've missed that hilarious story.

ricky: Yeah. We still don't know why she was eating goulash. I've got a rash, look, coming up my arm, look at that.

steve: Brilliant. Fascinating. Thanks for that.

ricky: That's from rubbing his head butting in a headlock. And it's... have you got some on your hair because look at that. It's like a heat rash. What do you wash your hair with so you still get that bird shit behind your ear. What is that? That's really worried, innit.

karl: And it looks like our like the body changes over many years of sort of certain things.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's like your body changes to protect yourself from the Sun or whathaveyou.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: My head just got used to being rubbed.

ricky: Yeah

karl: It's reacting now.

ricky: That's a defense mechanism. I see.

ricky: Look at that, that's horrible.

karl: Anyway

ricky: You got some on your hair, you know.

steve: Monkey news?

karl: Well, I was gonna say the winner.

steve: I don't think anyone cares.

ricky: Oh come on, well someone got all of them, didn't they?

steve: Okay play it again then, this was Songs of Phrase, we did this earlier.

ricky: The well-known phrase: Galileo, stop talking about science make me television.

ricky: The most convoluted, banal quiz on any radio station ever. I mean, I'm including Moyles, Chris Evans, do you know what I mean? Simon Bates. That's worse than anything they ever did.

steve: Apparently Channel 5 bought the rights.

steve: Anyway, what were the answers, Karl?

karl: We had Queen in there, Altered Images, Thomas Dolby.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Beatles, Aretha Franklin and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

steve: Extraordinarily Tracy and John Burton from Colchester in Essex got all of those right. Why they would want the prices, I've no idea that good luck to them. They can enjoy those at some point. God bless. Okay, Monkey News

karl: Do you want a bit?

steve: Yes, please play the jingle.

ricky: This rash is weird. Oh chimpanzee that monkey news.

karl: Alright. Well, it was filming a documentary right this telly company.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Who? Which one? Which one? Which one?

karl: Don't know.

ricky: No, right. What was the documentary about?

karl: About monkeys.

ricky: Yeah, where was it?

karl: Africa.

ricky: Right, when was this?

karl: Haven't got a date.

ricky: Ok, recently though, since the advent of television, obviously.

karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, bit of extra Monkey News if you want it.

steve: Okay, always.

karl: Do you know the...

ricky: Monkey News Extra! Go on.

karl: Do you know the Halfords ads?

steve: Halfords ads? No, I don't think so, what happens?

karl: Halfords, you know they sell nuts and bolts and stuff.

steve: Right.

karl: They're using monkeys in their ads.

steve: Ok.

steve: Yeah.

steve: And what happened?

steve: Don't they sell bikes, Halfords?

karl: Well they...

steve: Bicycles and motorbikes stuff and that.

steve: Okay. So yeah, so they're using monkeys in the adverts, what happened?

karl: I can't handle it! I can't do this!

steve: What?

karl: Look at him!

steve: I don't care what he's doing

karl: And basically right, there was a load of hassle because they were using these monkeys in these Halfords advert.

steve: Yes.

karl: Right.

steve: And what happened? Get to the point.

karl: It turned out there wasn't a problem because they were mechanics in the first place.

steve: What, they were monkey mechanics?

karl: Yeah.

steve: What are you talking about?

karl: Mental.

steve: What are you talking about!? That's not a story.

karl: All right, anyway, listen, let's get - let's get back onto -

steve: They were mechanics in the first place?

karl: All right, listen, so they're making this documentary, right? And stumble across a little gang of, uh, a little gang -

ricky: Come on, just -

steve: Get on with it, please.

karl: Little gang of monkeys.

karl: That's the first time I've ever laughed on air, that.

steve: I know, well, brilliant. What do you want, a cake?

steve: Come on.

karl: Can we play a song?

steve: Oh, I don't understand what is wrong with you, you freak.

karl: It's making me laugh.

steve: Just tell us the story.

karl: All right then, all right. So anyway, right? So there's this - this documentary being made. They found a little gang of monkeys.

steve: Right, play a song. I don't know what's going on here. I apologize.

ricky: Gotta Hide Your Love Away.

ricky: According to the Beatles on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant. Right, Karl, come on, Monkey News.

karl: Right, where were we? Where were we?

steve: Everyone's composed. The jingle, please.

ricky: Oh, chimpanzee that! Monkey News.

steve: Haha, excellent. Okay.

ricky: Right.

karl: Right, where were we?

steve: We were - Just start again. There's some people making a documentary.

ricky: The what -

ricky: Okay

karl: Making a documentary in, uh, in the jungle and that.

steve: Right.

karl: Stumble across a little gang.

steve: Okay, okay, come on.

karl: All right, um -

steve: A little gang of monkeys.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Come on!

karl: So the camera crew are there filming it.

steve: Yes.

karl: Everything's going normal, nothing - nothing odd about it.

steve: Okay, they don't - they're not running a restaurant. They've not got any barbershops, nothing.

karl: No.

steve: Just regular monkeys going about their business, yeah.

karl: So anyway...

karl: What normally happens is the monkeys stick with a partner.

steve: They normally do what?

karl: They don't sort of sleep around and that.

steve: Oh right, they-

karl: Once they've found a girlfriend or a boyfriend or whatever.

steve: Yeah.

karl: They stick this stick with them, right?

steve: Okay.

karl: But anyway, they were watching this one, right, and it's going around a bit, sleeping around.

steve: Oi oi

karl: And it was getting fatter. They thought this is a bit odd.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right, so, uh, followed it round and see it having it away. Turns out, little prostitute.

ricky: Oh God.

steve: It's a little monkey prostitute.

karl: It was getting fatter because it was charging them bananas.

steve: What a load of old rubbish.

ricky: It's chargin' 'em bananas. What was it, a boy or a - it was a -?

karl: Woman, little woman monkey.

steve: That's the most extraordinary monkey news I've ever heard.

ricky: That is genius!

steve: Has this documentary been televised?

karl: Uh, I don't think it's been on yet.

ricky: No.

steve: And that's all the information you've got?

karl: Yeah.

steve: And is that - that's, uh, that's one banana for everything?

ricky: No, half a banana is for -

steve: Just oral.

ricky: - a poor job.

steve: Right.

ricky: Um, if you want full-blown, uh, monkey sex, it is two and a half bananas.

steve: Sure, sure.

ricky: So uh -

karl: Let's just play a song.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Well let's just play a -

steve: All right, well, this is our penultimate show, so we're back next week. We're going to make it a barnstormer, I'm sure lads. I want a hundred percent behind it, a hundred and ten percent next week.

steve: All right, none of this giggling, none of this -

steve: Infantile giggling,

ricky: Okay.

steve: Like two school boys.

ricky: Right.

steve: Alright, we're gonna come back, we're gonna have some quality monkey news next week. We're gonna have all kinds of treats, I would think.

ricky: Okay.

steve: Some great prizes. All right? All okay?

ricky: Yeah, yeah, let's show 'em, let's make next week the best show ever.

steve: Good luck. If you miss it. Then you miss out. We're ending with the track from a couple years back. I think it was '92, '93, Dinosaur Jr, Start Choppin, play that. Start playing. Forget start chopping, start playing.

ricky: Alright.

steve: Alright.

ricky: See you next week.

steve: Yeah..

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