XFM Vault - S02E51 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Five past one then, already, on a Saturday, so I'm Ricky Gervais, that was Placebo, yeh, with "Special Needs" which brings me to my next point. With me, Karl Pilkington.

steve: Karl Pilkington, there he is.

ricky: And Steve Merchant. 104.9

steve: That's it.

ricky: We're back then.

steve: Well, for one last time.

ricky: Well, it's certainly the end of the season. We're away for at least, you know, 2 months. We're doing the Office Special, um, and possibly forever depending on whether Karl decided he wants to carry on with this. Because, I mean, we do this for fun, we don't need to do this, we don't need to do this for, you know, um, money, obviously not.

steve: The kind of money you're earning, Rick, you do not need to do this.

ricky: I don't think so. It's, quite honestly, beneath me.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You know. We don't need to do it to further our career because it's embarrassing being on Xfm.

steve: You know people say, "Don't even bother cashing those Xfm cheques. It's not worth your while."

ricky: No, it's not, it's not. Yeah, the time it took to sign them, it wasn't, it wasn't worth it. Um, so, we do this basically ridicule Karl on a large sort of platform, I say, large platform.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Xfm. Um, no other radio station will have us.

steve: I mean, it's roughly the same as standing up in McDonald's

ricky: I'd imagine so. But, over lunchtime though.

steve: Yeah, yeah, or when its just the cleaning staff wobbling around.

ricky: Yeah. So, er, and if Karl doesn't come back, he's breaking up the three-way partnership.

steve: He's very much Sting, isn't he, in what, about 1986, '87.

ricky: Exactly.

steve: He's gonna go off and, sort of, make some quite poor, sort of, jazz-inflected white man's soul leaving us to go about our business.

ricky: Play pizza places and...

steve: Exactly. Yeah. Well I'm going to go in to, sort of,...

ricky: Say, "Dad, why can't I be in the CIA?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "You don't know anything about it. You're a drummer."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, so, uh, we'll, we'll have to see, I mean, do you think anyone cares?

steve: I wouldn't have thought so. Because, if someone was interesting in having some good chat and some great laughs, they'd spend more time with their friends

ricky: Yeah. Or listen to another radio station.

steve: Or listen to a decent radio station.

ricky: Jonathan Ross or something like that, yeah.

steve: I think they listen to Xfm for some music in the background that's loud enough...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So they can hear it while they're hoovering.

ricky: Yeah, I don't think our fans hoover.

steve: Well, true, true.

ricky: I think you've got to have...

steve: Or shoot up, whatever.

ricky: I think you've got to have a house to hoover. I'll tell you what they do want though. Some great music.

steve: They do, indeed.

ricky: They'll be saying, "Since you've been gone...". See that, that's the sort of link I can do.

steve: Oh, that's quite quality.

ricky: If we stayed together...

steve: If you cut out all the other drivel you speak, you'd be great on Magic.

ricky: I know, yeah. Um, you've got...

steve: Come on.

ricky: You've got, I know, you've got to rainbow something, haven't you?

steve: Rainbow?

ricky: You've got to rainbow something!

steve: It's Rainbow.

ricky: Well, I mean for a last show that song had everything. It's got two guitar solos.

steve: Yes

ricky: It's got a key change. It's got bad grammar - "Since you bin gone" by Rainbow and that's for Camfield, the prince of rock.

steve: Yeah

ricky: He's going to be the king when Vance, you know, just hands over his crown.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And you've still got that on Xfm. So you know. Don't worry about us going. Oh you weren't? Oh okay then. No one cares.

steve: No one cares...

ricky: No one cares. This is our last show. Lets make it a good one!

steve: Let me give out the email address because I imagine there's going to be a flood of emails.

ricky: Saying "please karl, keep the team together".

steve: It's "johnno.colman@".

ricky: Colman's not a team. He's just a big lad. right come on.

steve: Erm, what do you mean come on? I've got nothing.

steve: Ricky.gervais@Xfm.co.uk

ricky: Or karl.pilkington because you can do it throughout the week. You can do it throughout the two months. And erm, what's the phone number for Xfm? 0-2-0-7 is it 7-66-6000? And then just ask to be put though to Karl and leave a message on his voicemail.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Erm, so email him a lot. 0-2-0-7 7-66 6000...

steve: Who cares

ricky: ...I think, and just ask for Karl Pilkington. Little Karl Pilkington. Little baldy manc twit.Uhh, and say "please stay". "Please stay". Erm, Karl. Say something then. It's your last show.

steve: How are you?

ricky: Say hello.

steve: What are you feelings Karl so far? I mean are you tearful? Are you upset?

karl: Not at all. I can't wait for 3 o'clock.

karl: [inaudible] lose interest in me, how Ricky was saying he only does it for the fun. I haven't even got that.

karl: I am paid peanuts to work Saturdays. It wrecks my weekend.

steve: Pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

karl: I have no fun.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right?

ricky: You're having a laugh? You love this! You love this! You love me coming in and having a little chat before hand and after.

karl: Yeah but that's the funny thing isn't it? Listeners just think "why does he get so moody about it having Ricky annoying him just on a Saturday?"

ricky: Yep!

karl: It's not just of a Saturday.

ricky: Why?

karl: It's in the week as well.

ricky: How do I annoy you?!

karl: [inaudible]

ricky: How do I annoy you?!

karl: Daily [inaudible]...

ricky: HOW DO I ANNOY YOU KARL? See you can't... be specific.

karl: Erm...

ricky: See!

karl: The first thing that springs to mind when I'm trying to work with Steve before saying "Come on lets find some interesting stuff to talk about", I think you were playing the accordion? In my ear. Was it the accordion?

ricky: (laughing) Yeah

karl: It doesn't really matter. They get the idea.

ricky: Although I can't play the accordion so it wasn't very good was it?

steve: Where did you find an accordion?

ricky: I just [inaudible] out there, right, and then I...

karl: Next to the drum kit.

ricky: And then I had a loudspeaker and I put the accordion in front of the loudspeaker. Isn't it loud those loudspeakers? They're amazing.

steve: My question is this Karl. Do you honestly think that's going to stop just because we're not on air anymore? He's not going to see you on a Saturday so he's just going to come in even more often.

ricky: Yeah I can just drop in.

karl: He won't bother me as much though.

steve: I think he will...

karl: And he'll have his fob taken off him so he won't be able to just wander in.

ricky: Course I won't!

steve: What, they're not... do you think they're... they're... of course they're going to let Ricky Gervais walk in any time he wants.

ricky: Yeah I might come in, might do a few trailers, might hang out - you know - with Andrew going "hey Andrew how's it going?" he'd go "yeah having a bit of trouble what do you think?" I'd say "lose that off the playlist! Put that one on! Sack them!"

steve: Yeah

ricky: Yeah, lets have a little bit of Feeder.

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