XFM Vault - S03E01 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

steve: Talk then someone should talk....it's obviously... it- already- already a shambles. Can you believe that? I- I- I'm amazed that we're back on the air and it's already a shambles.

ricky: What are you doing?

steve: What?

ricky: What are you talking about?

steve: I'm talking th- no-one was speaking, the record was ending, no-one was speaking, it was just q-

steve: Well, I might shoot off

steve: Already, I might shoot off. It's like nothing's changed.

ricky: Boys are back in town on Xfm 104.9. We're back then, aren't we, Karl?

karl: Yep.

ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

ricky: "I'm not coming back. I'm definitely not coming back. Ooh, ooh. Ooh care. Care someone, care that I'm not coming back."

steve: Rick, I seem to remember the end of, yeah, the end of the last time we were on, what was that three months ago?

ricky: Yeah, three months ago.

steve: Karl said he's never going to do the show again.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There's nothing that was going to bring him back.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He didn't enjoy it, wasn't gonna do it.

ricky: All a ruse, right.

steve: Really?

ricky: Yes. I've known he's been coming back so about two months, you know, because he's got our agent now representing him.

steve: I thought he was a fool.

karl: I haven't really.

ricky: Why?

karl: Well, what's he done for me?

steve: What's he done for us?

ricky: No, I know but, I mean, he's your agent so, and he's sort of calling Graham. And it was all a con, so Karl could get Mondays off. Poor Graham, the station's struggling enough as it is.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It's like running around like a headless chicken.

steve: Yeah

ricky: No one's listening, no one's listening-

ricky: That's why I don't bother talking when the record's ending, because it does- there's- there's no loss-

steve: Sure

ricky: -to London.

steve: Sure

ricky: Right. It- there's- it's pointless this show. We don't do it for the money. We don't do it for the kudos. I don't know why we do it.

steve: No.

ricky: Is there anything on telly at this time, I could have had a lie in.

steve: I know.

ricky: But, erm, it's all a ruse to get Mondays off. He's got Mondays off now because he has to do this show. Two hours, right, and he's still getting paid. And it's all a con because he knows that he's holding him over a barrel and he's- it's like oh, we've got to keep Karl happy.

karl: I had I had Mondays and Tuesdays off before Duncan got involved.

ricky: No, do you know what I mean though? And it's like...

ricky: Poor Graham, who's the MD that's in charge of the thing. Probably pulling his hair out worrying about the station, right? You know.... it's a sinking ship... And then Karl comes along like, "well I- you know, I'll do it but I want Mondays off". He's probably sitting home now, his family- he's probably ridiculed by-

steve: Yeah, well his kids almost certainly would have lost all respect for him. That he's been fooled by Karl Pilkington.

ricky: He calls his mates, and goes "oh, I'm busy Graham, I don't- you know, I don't think..."

ricky: It's just, it's-

steve: It's embarrassing.

ricky: -but it's- do you know what I mean? And you think it's funny and you think you've got one over one him, he's going "oh Mondays off for two hours"-

karl: No I don't think it's funny-

ricky: -yeah you do, you do, you think-

ricky: And now you're embarrassed cos we've said it on air-

karl: I'm not.

ricky: -but you're only- you're only- you're only conning yourself in the long run because... do you know what I mean?

ricky: It's- I hate that sort of 'the world owes me a living. How much can I get? What can I get out of the world?'

ricky: What do you give back to the world Karl? What are you doing now then? Are you gonna prepare Mondays-

karl: No, I told you-

ricky: What have you prepared for this show now. You've had three months to prepare.

karl: Yep.

ricky: What have you d- what have we got? What have you got for us? Okay, what's happened in the last three months?

karl: Uh, what, in this place or just my life?

ricky: Well, what have you got for us? We- three months, we're returning right back, you get Monday's off, you're getting paid for it, you've got a cushy deal, you're having a laugh. You're taking the piss out of the management, right? So what have you got for us.

steve: Give it to us.

karl: We've- we- I've kind of, er, updated Rockbusters a bit.

steve: Right, brilliant.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Alright, so... and you said don't mess with it. If something's good, don't mess with it.

steve: What do you mean? It wasn't good.

ricky: It was never good.

steve: It was never good. Of course we had to fix it.

ricky: It was fun to do. It was a laugh. I mean much- I imagine it was much more fun for me than the 450 listeners.

ricky: I ima- you know what I mean, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed squeezing your head and dressing you up, and-

karl: No, but that's just it when I had a meeting

karl: With Graham, right. I said look, I'm not being funny, I don't want to do it anymore.

ricky: Yeah

karl: I've had enough of it.

ricky: Yeah

karl: And he was like, "Oh, what's up with you? It sounds like you have a right good laugh."

karl: I said yeah, but that's- that's- you know, that's all good acting and stuff.

karl: I said it's hell in there.

karl: Erm, I said-

ricky: Like he's talking about Vietnam!

steve: Yeah

karl: I said, having me head squoze.

ricky: Squoze!

steve: What?

ricky: Squoze!

steve: Squoze is still not a word. We've been away three months, it's still not a word.

karl: Alright. I said he's putting a dustbin lid on me head.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (laughing) You told this to the MD?

karl: He's hitting me with a tray.

steve: Yeah.

karl: He's chucking toilet paper at me.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And he said "yeah, well, that's all over two years".

karl: I said no, that was the same day.

karl: So...

ricky: Okay then, what has changed in three months? It's- they're listening. They've been listening for a six minutes now, come on, give us something.

karl: Bit of Nickelback?

ricky: No, what's- what's happened? In three-

steve: Play a record and let him think.

ricky: -in three months

karl: What in my life or in here?

ricky: Yeah

karl: Nothing's happened here, nothing's changed here.

ricky: Right?

karl: But..I don't know...well- well, er...

karl: Do you know, do you know last time we were on?

ricky: Yeah

karl: Right, and, er, I was telling you about the woman over the road...where I live.

ricky: The one that walked around naked.

karl: There's a woman who walks about the flat-

ricky: This is when Karl was watching a woman naked then she looked at... saw him looking. So what he did. This is the genius he did to get out of this: he pulled his pants down. So he was naked too.

ricky: His girlfriend comes in and goes "Karl, what are you doing?" He went

ricky: "I can't tell you now, but don't look out the window"

ricky: Yeah, go on, sorry.

karl: Well, that woman...She's, er, she's bought some blinds.

ricky: Nickelback - Someday on Xfm 104.9.

steve: How old's the bloke from Nickelback. He looks about 40

ricky: He reminds me of erm, er, you know, when a kid's made up at a fete to look like a lion.

steve: (laughing) Yeah.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? It's like The Wizard of Oz lion.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But, you know, good tune. Can I be controversial? I think rock rules the world again, Steve.

steve: Well I'd hope so, mate, I'd hope so,

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Are we gonna some rock later in the show?

ricky: We're gonna hear lots of rock. In fact I might even play a little bit of Rainbow.

steve: Blimey.

ricky: Just cos you know, we've got The Darkness, but I want to remind 'em where it all came from.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You heard The Liz.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: You're gonna hear The Bow.

steve: Cheers mate, thanks for that.

ricky: Erm...

steve: No just high five-

ricky: Ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-yeah. So, Karl-

steve: Keep it real.

ricky: -here we are then.

steve: Incidentally, before we carry on, I just thought, erm, it's weird, I was reading some of the fan emails and stuff we've got, and one of the things a lot of people like...it- actually it divides the listeners is your laugh. It's interesting, some people love it, they find it infectious-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -they find it adorable.

ricky: I mean close up in a small space, like a kitchen-

steve: Terrifying.

ricky: -it's annoying. Like Karl was annoyed because I squeaked in his ear earlier didn't I?

steve: Sure.

ricky: Why did I laugh?

steve: He was on the toilet?

ricky: I think I squeezed his head again, didn't I, and he said "no, it's not one o'clock yet."

steve: He doesn't like the squozing.

ricky: (laughing) The squozen head!

steve: But, erm...

ricky: Yeah, he is the squozen one.

karl: The funny thing is, right, we were out a few weeks ago with- with a mate of mine. Alright. And, er, he went to squ- squeeze me head, right. Give it a squoze.

steve: Sure.

karl: And, er, I was like, "don't do that."

karl: You know I don't like it, right, and Ricky said to me mate "Yeah, he doesn't like having his head squoze" as if it's like Marmite

karl: As if some people love it,

steve: Yeah

karl: And some people hate it.

steve: Sure. Yeah.

ricky: Yea, ok.

steve: Well anyway, there's, there's, there was a little taster of the laugh. That was more the kind of deep throaty laughter

ricky: Yeah

steve: But there's that kind of high-pitched squeak that you do.

ricky: When I gotta get air out quickly.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: 'cause I'm gonna burst, sometimes I laugh so much that my liver, and all of that, they try

ricky: And get out to it so I have to get it out really fast like a, like a siren.

steve: Right

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Is that, is that how you explain the fact that you're quite fat?

ricky: (laughing) Yeah

steve: That's actually, that's just laughter waiting to come out

ricky: That's just laughter, yeah. Sully!

steve: Every time you laugh you become a smelt young thing, like Brett Anderson

ricky: Ohhh dear..

steve: Anyway, it reminded me of the game that you and I used to play in our very early days of XFM when it was literally

ricky: Make Ricky Gervais laugh

steve: Make Ricky Gervais laugh which was a great game I think..

ricky: I remember the first one, it was that fella drinking a pint of beer.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I remember the very first time

steve: You never, I tell what it's not great

ricky: You know what, Ant and Dec do that now, they do

ricky: They actually, it's very similar to Make Ricky Laugh, it's called Make Ant Laugh.

steve: Interesting.

ricky: So..

steve: So many of our great ideas have been have been stolen. Yeah, or stoled.

ricky: Stoled, yea.

steve: And anyway, I just I was looking through the paper in the week and there was a picture, which I think it might be a Ricky Gervais, make Ricky Gervais laugh. I don't know, again obviously it doesn't really work for the listeners at home. But I'll try and do my best to describe it.

ricky: Can we stop saying my name because it's like a Dave Gorman project. Can we just stop, this, I. It's getting. You know how when you they say a word often enough it doesn't mean anything.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Let's stop saying Ricky Gervais.

steve: Well, what are we gonna refer to you as?

steve: Well Make Fatty Laugh

steve: Is, is a new, a new game. I'm trying to get one of those squeaks of a laugh. I'm concerned

ricky: Okay, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not gonna, I'm not a monkey.

steve: You're not a performing monkey? Sure, I know that. But anyway let me just briefly summarize the story for those at home. The headline was Mum, 48, A Mother, 48, Seduced Boy of 14. Well, that's not her own boy, obviously, but no, Neighborhood Child.

ricky: I don't think

ricky: This is a funny story so far.

steve: He said Grand Lana Allen, 48, led him upstairs and undressed to her waist then took his trousers off. Okay. Bear that in mind. This is a quote. This is a quote from him, right? "There on my knees." A 14 year old boy, he's quite excited about this. He says "Then we had sex. It was every boys fantasy." All right?

ricky: You're gonna show me a picture of her now, aren't ya?

steve: So it's a picture of her.

ricky: This is not right, this is..

steve: Bear in mind, in his own words, Rick, in his own words, this was every boys fantasy. Here's the picture.

steve: It's a silent laugh.

steve: He's collapsed on the floor.

ricky: I wasn't expecting that! I wasn't expecting.. I was thinking they'd look like a fat man. I was not expecting that!

ricky: Oh my god. Oh god. She looks like the drummer of Iron Maiden.

steve: She looks a bit like Lenny.

steve: But, I'll tell you who she looks like, who she reminds me of the most, did you see those..

ricky: I love how they've got one with a fag on, as well

steve: I know..

ricky: It's just that, that's her without her make up, though.

steve: Karl, have you seen every boy's fantasy?

ricky: You should s.. you should..

ricky: Oh god

steve: Have a look Karl

karl: How old is she?

steve: Forty-eight.

ricky: Oh God, oh forty-eight, that's lovely. Nothing wrong- nothing wrong with that.

steve: I tell you, if you don't know what- if you didn't see- if you weren't lucky enough to see the picture, she looks just like...the, erm, the oldest man in the world. His photo's on, er, in newspapers and on the web for a while, he was about a hundred thirty-five or something

ricky: Ooh, yes, no, here we are Karl. So you know, Karl- Karl's got a theory that Chinese people don't age well. This man was a, he was a...

ricky: (laughing) ...a Chinaman, right, and he was a hundred and twenty or something

karl: Hmmm...

steve: Did you see a picture of him?

karl: Yeah, he was on-

steve: He's still alive-

karl: No he's not anymore-

steve: Oh, is he not.

ricky: He died. He died at a hundred and twenty, so-

karl: It said a hundred and twenty or something, but...it makes you wonder...

ricky: Go on...

steve: What makes you wonder?

karl: Well, because they don't age well...I think he's using that...

ricky: (laughing) What, you think?...

karl: He's probably about...

steve: What?

karl: About thirty-seven.

ricky: (laughing) Oh, God, honestly...

ricky: We walked down the street right, and we see a- an elderly Chinese person.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (laughing) Right, and Karl'll go "how old do you think he is?"

steve: Yeah

ricky: Like it's sort of-

steve: I don't underst- this- this notion that Chinese people don't age well.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don't know what, where this has come about.

karl: No, I mean, I'm not having a go

steve: No of course you're not.

karl: No, I never want anyone to think I'm, like, I'm having a go at them. But they are really good looking and they're healthy and that...till they're about...

karl: I've never seen one, right?

ricky: (laughing) I'm getting scared now!

karl: Can you tell me if you've seen a Chinese person who's about...thirty?. It's always either twenty or fifty. There's no middle ground.

ricky: (laughing) This is- this is what I came back for! This is two hours of absolute drivel-

steve: But sorry-

ricky: -from the brain of Karl Pilkington!

steve: -let me just check something. So the guy, the Chinese gentleman who died recently, who was a hundred and thirty-

karl: Hmm, well...

steve: -your theory is-

steve: -sure. Your theory is that he's maybe in his late thirties, early forties.

karl: Yeah.

steve: This is an elaborate conspiracy on his part because obviously whenever they talk about the oldest people in the world it is always a Chinese person-

ricky: Yeah-

steve: -invariably.

ricky: -they do. Yeah.

steve: They seem to win that-

karl: Hmm, again.

steve: -every year.

ricky: Go on.

steve: So your theory is that in those small backwater villages in China-

ricky: Oh I know, Ross McWhirter comes to a little village-

steve: Yeah, they go, "the Guinness guys are on their way."

ricky: He goes, he goes, "well until recently the oldest person in the world da-da-da, and how old are you?"

ricky: And they're so embarrassed because they think they look about a hundred and twenty, they go "a hundred and twenty?"

ricky: And they go "really? Yeah, can I have his birth certificate?"

ricky: In fact, I think this Chinese bloke didn't- it wasn't verified with The Guinness Book of World Records because he didn't have his papers.

steve: Didn't have his papers, no.

ricky: So-

karl: Is this the same one or a different fella-

steve: I think it might be the same guy, I'm not sure-

karl: -trying it on.

steve: (laughing) Trying it on!

steve: So there's a huge conspiracy amongst these Chinese villages that every time-

ricky: When you get to about fifty, say you're seventy, because no one will believe us.

steve: Well, if you can confirm or deny that then, er, then please email in.

steve: Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk

ricky: This is The Racist Show on Xfm 104.9. Call in if you're anything less than a little Manc.

ricky: Outkast - Hey Ya. On Xfm 104.9. With me, Ricky Gervais, you, Stephen Merchant, GQ Presenters of the Year.

steve: Radio personalities of the year.

ricky: It's official.

steve: We're the best radio personalities of the year.

ricky: I've- we've got that award sent to us didn't we, and we did a little thing, but it was only our two names on it.

steve: It has your name, Rick, definitely I remember that, and it had my name.

ricky: And your name.

steve: Didn't see Karl Pilkington's name anywhere.

ricky: No, and yet he's the one with the day off and the money and the conning the MD and making him cry at home.

steve: Can we just remind...

ricky: Go on.

steve: ... can I just check that again...

ricky: Go on.

steve: ... so he's made a fool out of the MD...

ricky: He's made a fool out of the MD...

steve: ... and all the major... basically all the Capital shareholders...

ricky: ... all this... all this shit about "oh, I'm not sure if I'm coming back or not, I... okay, I want a day off then", which is the same day off as his girlfriend gets off...

steve: Convenient.

ricky: ... so he's just like, walking 'round, I dunno, Hyde Park...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ... feeding ducks, when he should be working out what he can do instead of Rockbusters, which is basically Blockbusters with a word changed.

ricky: Christ's sake. Right, little tw...

steve: If that's... if that's annoyed you...

ricky: What?

steve: ... I'll tell you what has really wound me up...

ricky: Go on.

steve: ... the last week or so - this postal strike.

steve: I tell you, Rick, I have got no sympathy for them. I'd be a scab, I'd be walking through there, and I'd be...

steve: No, and I'd be giving them the finger, I'd go, "you can intimidate my family, I don't care. I don't care, because the post has gotta get through".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: 'Cause I'll tell you what - um, it's not the fact... you know, the unions, they can organise a strike, I'm behind that, that's fair enough. But not when it's these wildcats. They're just out there, they're just taking days off, willy-nilly! They're not... they're...

ricky: Well...

steve: ... they're sealing up the postboxes, it's going crazy!

ricky: Maybe Karl could deliver a few bags on Monday, so if you...

steve: Well, I know... I know Karl must be livid cause it's probably his copies of the New Scientist...

steve: ... and the Literary Review haven't turned up. So he's... he's in a terrible way. And uh, I got important documents that are supposed to be coming to me...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There's nothing.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There's hide nor hair of it. And I was cooking last night and I... it got me panicked, 'cause I was thinking about... if this just is gonna spread now, amongst other organisations and other groups...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ... and do you know what, it was partly...

ricky: Like a cancer.

steve: ... it was partly 'cause I was cooking...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ... but do you know who I suddenly become terrified that they might go on strike?

ricky: Go on.

steve: The guys in charge of the potatoes.

ricky: Oh... I'll tell you what...

steve: I mean, anyone involved with potatoes. The farmers...

ricky: ... I had so much mash last night...

ricky: ... I had so much sausage and mash, right, I had second helpings, that I had to sit on the edge of a seat so my stomach could hang down.

steve: It's...

ricky: I love spuds. Spuds and bread, I could not do without spuds and bread.

steve: But I feel... I feel like maybe I could make my own bread. Spuds - I wouldn't know where to start with a spud.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And it's... they're amazing, you can boil them, you can broil them.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don't know what broiling is...

ricky: Nor do I.

steve: ... but it's... I suspect it's tasty.

ricky: I don't... I don't think it's as good as... I mean, obviously the chipped potato is everyone's favourite.

steve: For the working classes, the chip.

ricky: Oh, it was always on. The chip fat fryer was always on in my household. The ceiling... the uh... you know, the deathtrap fire, um, whatsit, polystyrene ceiling was yellow...

steve: Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

ricky: ... come Wednesday in our house.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And uh, it... yeah, always had chips, or...

steve: Because... all I remember hearing, if I think back to my childhood, all I remember was, um... "gotta stop and get some potatoes", or "phone your dad, tell him to get some potatoes".

ricky: Well that was... that was your job, wasn't it? Karl?

steve: To get the potatoes?

karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like...

steve: I mean, it genuinely, it does concern me, because it's...

ricky: What did you have to do? Didn't you have to... didn't you have to fill a diary out for your teacher?

karl: Well it was when... do you know when you're at school... I don't know if you did the same thing, but you get like a little red book, right, and every night... I think it was a way of...

karl: ... the teacher sort of keeping an eye on you, so if you went out robbing, if you wrote it in your diary, they'd go "what are you playing at?"

steve: Sure.

karl: Right? So you'd have to write down what you did every night.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But I didn't get up to that much, at that point...

steve: Sure.

karl: ... I used to just go on my errands...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ... and it was my job to like...

ricky: I haven't heard 'errand' for... since the seventies.

steve: No, it's nice to hear that.

karl: ... just, just...

ricky: Go on.

karl: ... I went to Hugh Fay's, right, the little local supermarket.

karl: ... and I got, um...

steve: What's it called? Euthan... euthanasia?

steve: What? I didn't...

ricky: You...

steve: You...

karl: Hugh Fay's.

steve: You... New Phase? New Phase?

ricky: You? You Phase? You?

karl: Hugh Fay's. Right?

ricky: Yeah?

karl: H-U-G-H. Hugh Fay's.

steve: Oh, Hugh Fay is his name.

ricky: Oh, it's his name.

steve: Right.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And uh, I just...

ricky: "Right, New Phase, alright, yeah."

karl: I just had to get- to get like a bag of potatoes.

steve: Course you did. Yeah, essential.

karl: And a loaf.

steve: Staple.

karl: So I used to put that in my diary every day and it got to a point when like even the teachers like just make something up.

steve: Yeah

karl: Stop putting the same thing in.

ricky: I love that.

steve: Start joyriding or something. Live!

ricky: I remember when Jane was little, she was at school, I think she was about ten or something. They had to do a project or something over the week and they were given a big list- like a list of a hundred animals that they had to tick when they saw one that week, and the teacher knew she cheated because she'd ticked beaver-

ricky: So she was trying to win and get ones she didn't- unless it was Susie Dibblethwaite's beaver. The school slut.

ricky: I don't know, maybe...I don't know. But...yeah, so, er...potato strike

steve: I'm just, I was gonna say, it just feels like- it feels like the potato people have got me over a barrel, you know, I mean, they could hike the prices up. I'd still have to buy potatoes. I got nothing else. I gotta have that. You know, you got your fancy pastas for the, er, for the upper classes, but for the working classes is chips or, er, or mashing, innit really.

ricky: Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it, I don't think people who do potatoes are gonna go on strike.

steve: You don't think so?

ricky: Cos we could just go and pick them ourselves, won't we?

ricky: Or grow 'em ourselves.

steve: Sure.

ricky: So, who's- what- what would be the most pointless strike. What be the strike that we went, "so?" Do you know what I mean?

steve: I'll tell you- I'll tell you one strike that we'd go "so?" Erm those guys who do sketches in Covent Garden.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Taking a picture, or they- they do a caricature of you.

ricky: Imagine the strike! You go out and you go "well I want one with a big nose and a big chin!"

steve: "I want an amusing caricature of me and my sister!"

ricky: (laughing) Yeah! Oh dear!

steve: "But I need- I need a sketch- I need a pencil drawing of Leonardo DiCaprio"

ricky: "looking like a monkey!"

ricky: I mean, how are we gonna get this? This is unbelievable? Yeah.

steve: I'll tell you, I'll tell you also the strikes that have no effect...

ricky: What?

steve: ...those, erm, people in nightclub toilets. Who just you know, are kind of there, they got the Lynx deodorant sprays-

ricky: Hold on though, quite controversial at the moment with the Tweedy case.

steve: Oh, the Cheryl Tweedy case.

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Sure. I got some thoughts on that actually.

ricky: Like what?

steve: Well maybe we'll play record and I'll share my thoughts on-

ricky: Well thoughts on-

steve: -on Tweedster.

ricky: (DJ voice) Well coming up, some Steve Merchant thoughts on the Cheryl Tweedy case. Xfm 104.9

steve: Some R.E.M., Rick?

ricky: What's the Frequency Kenneth-

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: (DJ voice) What's the Frequency Kenneth, I'll tell you: it's 104.9, Xfm. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Karl "The User" Pilkington.

steve: Just takes, takes, takes.

ricky: Takes, takes, takes. Destroyed a man.

ricky: How are you, Steve?

steve: (laughing) You should talk like that more. It's cool and sexy.

ricky: Thank you.

steve: Erm, I, make it clear now: I do not condone in any way, shape, or form what Cheryl Tweedy did. But I have to say, they wind me up.

ricky: By "they" you mean toilet attendants.

steve: Yes, yes, yes.

ricky: Right

steve: Not Pop Idol Winners.

ricky: That's what I thought you meant there.

steve: Yeah-

ricky: So, go on.

steve: Because I tell you what it is. You go into a club, or pubs, or, er, big trendy pubs, you go in there and there's the toilet attendant in there. He's got his little display of

steve: Aftershaves, sprays, some sweets maybe.

ricky: Blue Stratos, and maybe a lollipop.

steve: Maybe a lollipop. And, alright, I don't know if they're- I assume they're not employed by the club. I'm assuming the club's got- they go have we got the DJ, we've got the bar staff, wait a minute, we need a guy-

ricky: When manager walks in, do they hide?

steve: Well this is it, I don't know if it's a guy who's just like-

ricky: Is it like busking?

steve: Yeah, he snuck in, he came in when it was free during happy hour. He's got little bag, carrier bag. He snuck in in the toilet. But the thing is it's the fact that...

steve: Toilet attendants, fair enough. I mean, I'm happy a toilet attendant sneaks in under the cover of darkness, cleans it for me, and then shoots off. But it's when I have to see them there.

ricky: I know.

steve: I feel guilty because I'm not- I've got a- it's like I'll maybe wash my hands, I'll forget he's there, he'll hand me a paper towel. Suddenly, I got a tip him, a quid or something. Just to have a piss-

ricky: It annoys me because then I wash my hands at all. I don't usually wash my hands!

steve: I never wash my hands.

ricky: Sometimes I don't even bother getting my knob out!

steve: No!

ricky: I do it by stand and change my trousers when I get home.

steve: Exactly!

ricky: So it annoys me when I have to go through this charade of getting it out, slashing out a bit, shaking it dry, and then washing me hands, just because-

steve: See if he did any of those elements-

ricky: What, shaking it for ya?

steve: -I'd tip him a quid!

ricky: Pop it out, pop it out-

steve: But not to hand me a paper towel, I can get it myself.

ricky: I know.

steve: It's this guilt, and sometimes I'll hold it in because I'm nervous, I don't want to go back in there, it's costing me a fortune.

ricky: What annoys me is if it's a posher part of town it's a pound a piss.

steve: It is a pound a piss.

ricky: Do you know what I mean, so I- you know- it's sort of like-

steve: Or a top hotel or something.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's absurd! And I'll tell you what worse than that. I know that he's doing it because he's got to feed his kids...but it's the fact that I've got to look him in the eye-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -you know, it's like he's humanized, you know, if he was only dehumanized, Rick.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If I could see him and I didn't think he was a human being I wouldn't feel guilty. If he could sort of hide under the-

steve: (laughing) under the the urinal perhaps, or-

ricky: And he just has a hand out-

steve: -underneath the sink.

ricky: -like Thing from the Addams Fam- and it just- he just puts out a-

steve: He just pops a hand out, doesn't say anything-

ricky: With a glove-

steve: -just hands me the paper towel.

ricky: -so you don't even see, like, you know, sk- hand it over- and then I go, I put a pound in, I take the thing, put a pound in, nick a lollipop and run away, no aggro!

steve: (laughing) Exactly it's the fact I gotta see them and I feel guilty because you know, I'm on the radio, I've got a cushy life. Here's a guy who's just trying to make ends meet. It makes me feel bad.

steve: It ruins me evening.

ricky: Yeah

steve: I'm just pleading for them. Can they not do it anymore? Can they maybe get a- can they get a job illegal mini cabbing or something, please?

ricky: Play a record!

ricky: Born Again. Star Sailor on Xfm 104.9. We're back. It's the 1st of November. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

steve: It's the same old email address if people wanna get in touch, ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk.

steve: We've had a couple of emails, Rick. Someone, actually Ian, he's emailed and said that because of the blinking plost- postman it's his wife's birthday today - she's had no cards...or presents. Because, er, presumably because she's got no friends.

steve: But also cos of the postal strike.

ricky: But you won't be able to use that excuse for Suzanne's birthday again, because she knows that the postal strike won't be on around that time.

steve: Alright Karl? Anyway, so would you just say happy birthday to Tracy?

ricky: Have those condoms run out yet? That you got for Christmas.

ricky: Karl.

karl: Still got them.

ricky: Have ya?

karl: Mm.

ricky: (laughing) Erm...

steve: Just say happy birthday to Tracy-

ricky: Happy birthday Tracy. And hello to Aidan who's phoned in to let us know he's actually listening in Northern Ireland, so we're- we're- we've gone International.

steve: Sure. Now, there's also a question here- a questionnaire has been sent in by Ruth Chamberlain at Cordwainer's College... Cordwainer's College? Seems a weird... Cordwainers, is that still-

ricky: It used to, yeah, it either used to be a poly or a launderette. I think it's...yeah.

steve: Anyway, it's, er, it's something that she's doing for, erm...

steve: She's studying product designed for the fashion industry. And Anyway, she's got some questionnaire and we're obviously we're too busy and important to fill out the questionnaire, but we thought maybe you can answer it Karl.

ricky: Look at Karl look he's yawning. He's looking around. He's only got to do two hours and he gets a whole day off and he's getting paid for it do something Karl be grateful. You've probably you've probably ruined a man's career. He's ridiculed now for doing this that he's so weak where he should have slapped, squoze your head and kicked you out of the building. So let's have a little bit of effort. You've only got an hour and a quarter to do then you get two days off. All right

karl: All right

steve: Right Karl, It's a questionnaire about happiness.

karl: Oh, yeah,

steve: There's one person... Well that should answer it right there. First question Karl on a happy scale of 1 to 10. Where are you on the happy scale

ricky: Is it this moment or in general?

steve: Well, I would say generally

ricky: Okay.

karl: Yeah, but you don't always have to like, I mean

ricky: Oh Jesus Christ...

karl: I think I'm happy and that but I don't always show it

steve: You never show it.

karl: No, but it doesn't mean I'm not I'm not happy and that like I'm alright at the moment I'd say I'm probably on a, I was probably on about an eight. I was probably on about a nine when I woke up. All right, and then sort of fell out with Suzanne her haircut. She went for a haircut and came back with something that I didn't like

ricky: Sorry what did you say you... so, so when your girlfriend walked through the door after she had her hair done And you said I don't like it, alright?.

karl: Well she can tell by the look on my face and I said

ricky: But don't say no I'm happy with it you just can't tell, I'm loving it

karl: Because then she might have it done again

ricky: Oh Karl I just cannot get over you. I really can't I cannot

karl: No but you haven't seen it so so then I was fed up

steve: Sorry what authority have you got to talk about haircuts.

ricky: Yeah, you had that you had the, well officially from a barber in Manchester above a railway station in a shack. It was two pounds a cut told you have the hair of a Chinaman. Well you wish you had the hair of a Chinaman now you got no hair, you're a little bald manc with your mouth open so don't... Is she listening to this Suzanne? sitting at home with a woolly hat on

karl: I dunno. but she knows now doesn't she?

steve: What did you say? What words did you say?

ricky: What could she do about it though?

karl: I just said you look like someone out of Slade

ricky: *laughs*

steve: Interestingly, that's what I look for in a girlfriend.

ricky: Oh God

steve: Which one of Slade?

karl: That one with the funny hair.

ricky: Not Dave Hill.

karl: Yeah

ricky: The one with the Crooked Fringe and the goofy teeth, she had her teeth done as well did she, she had two front teeth put in

steve: Dump her.

karl: So anyway

steve: So, so prior to that you're on a nine, then you saw the haircut you're on an eight.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Now what you on?

karl: I'm probably on about a six at the moment.

ricky: Why what's happened?

karl: Well, whilst star sailor was on a bit more head squeezing going on.

ricky: *laughs*

karl: So yeah about a five or six.

steve: So generally speaking what would you say you're on?

karl: About a four

steve: You're on a four normally

ricky: *laughs*

steve: All right, what would you give someone who wasn't very happy? What would you give them?

karl: Err..

ricky: What are you thinking Karl, depends why they're not happy?

steve: They're not, they're low, ok. So what would you give them?

ricky: I mean if you, yeah, depends dunnit, I mean if it's someone who's just lost their arms and legs in an accident you don't give him a lollipop

steve: Sure, or some mittens.

ricky: *laughs* You give them a hat.

steve: Yeah and dare I say it a smile

ricky: A skateboard.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: I dunno.

ricky: Well no, you've got to answer the question

steve: All right so hang on let's assume that you've upset your girlfriend Cause you've slagged off her haircut?

ricky: What are you gonna do now to make her happy?

steve: How you gonna cheer her up? And not buy her a baseball cap.

karl: I don't know, yet, I haven't thought about it 'cause I've got this to sort out, haven't I?

karl: So when I get home, get her some gel or something.

ricky: Oh God, oh Christ.

steve: Okay, and.. all right, just name something that always puts a smile on your face, Karl, that always cheers you up. If you're feeling a bit blue, it always cheers you up.

ricky: A monkey, innit?

karl: Learning something ..

steve: Right?

karl: .. that's a bit weird.

steve: I love the qualifier. "That's a bit weird"...

ricky: I think.. I think it was two different seven.. sentences. I think it was: "Learning something.

ricky: That's a bit weird."

steve: Yeah, yeah. Learning something that's a bit weird. Okay, and finally if you can have something to make you happy, what would it be?

ricky: Little chimp, wouldn't it? Little Chimp in a suit.

steve: Well don't answer for him. Don't put words in his mouth.

karl: Uhhhhh

steve: You can have anything you want. It'll cheer you up, make you happy. What would it be?

ricky: You can't say a skin of titanium. It's gotta be something possible.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: X-ray vision, no. What would you have? It can be.. it can be conceptual. It could be world peace. It doesn't have to be, you know, a new watch.

karl: (Let) someone else wish for that.

steve: Sure

karl: ' be a waste.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Yeah, why should you do it? And then let someone else gets a nice new watch and there's world peace.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: You're walking 'round. It's nice and peaceful. You know what time it is. He's swanning 'round. He's got a lovely new watch and there's no threat of it being bombed.

steve: Exactly.

karl: I'm quite happy the way I am, really, I don't, I don't really want.

ricky: Are you really?

steve: But you're on a 4! You're on a happy scale of 4!

ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're on a 4

ricky: Surely want to get to 10. Surely the point of life is to be on 10.

karl: Yeah, but what's a 10?

karl: D'you know what I mean?

ricky: No.

karl: What's, what's a 10?

ricky: Contentment, absolute contentment.

steve: Bliss.

ricky: Joy in your heart, inwardly and outwardly. Not walking 'round with a little round mank head with your mouth open going "What's the point of that? Done it once, mmm."

ricky: Is that why you've still got all the condoms? "I've done it once, mmmmm."

steve: (impersonating Karl) "What's the point of that?"

ricky: (impersonating Karl) "Alright, we're gonna get (inaudible)" Come on! 10!

steve: Just one thing that would make you happy,

steve: That would cheer you up if you were feeling low.

ricky: Tuesday's off as well?

ricky: I'll let the MD just you know, resign straight away, shall I?

karl: I honestly don't know what would make me happy just like that. 'cause I am happy, I know you say I'm fed up and that, but I am, I'm alright.

ricky: D'you know, he wouldn't want to be too rich. He said "'cause if I was too rich then Suzanne would say "Let's go 'round the world"". He said he wants to be rich enough so they're happy an' that and they got their bathroom, but they can't, they still can't afford any more holidays a year. Think of that. Think of that wish. Think of that, capping your wishes.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: D'you know what I mean? Putting a ceiling on your ambition. I love it. It's genius. Look at his face.

ricky: Play a record, you're an idiot.

steve: It's like if you'd won that ticket 'round Charlie's Chocolate Factory and he'd said

willy wonka (steve): "Actually, Karl, I want you to take over the factory. It was a test."

steve: You'd have said

karl (steve): I just wanted to look 'round the chocolate factory. I'm happy to go back and live poor.

ricky: No, he'd have said

karl (ricky): I'll work it, but I'm not working Mondays

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Play a record.

steve: Imagine giving a chocolate factory to a kid. Idiot.

ricky: Give it to the fat one at least enjoy, he'd enjoyed it more.

ricky: Beautiful.

steve: Billy Bragg from his essential Billy Bragg compilation there. Now, I know a lot of people are thinking, "Billy Bragg, oh, can't be bothered. Politics." And I have to say, buy this CD. Skip past every song that is, for instance, "There is power in a union."

ricky: "Don't be duped by fascism".

steve: Yeah. "It's your right and duty to vote."

ricky: Yeah. "Right wing, wrong wing."

steve: Exactly. Ignore all that, just listen to the love songs.

ricky: His love songs are beautiful.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It's fantastic, new - "Tonight I celebrate my love for you with a pint of beer and a new tattoo." He's great.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Lose the ones about, yeah --

steve: Exactly.

ricky: -- striking.

steve: Yeah exactly. Because we know what we think of that so yeah, I highly recommend that and --

ricky: Karl. We're on happiness, Karl. I tried to explain to Karl that the aim to - you know, it's really to get on a 10.

steve: Yeah. But I like the fact that he started on a 9!

ricky: But I love the fact he's happy with 4.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I love that.

karl: No, but what - what I mean is, right, I'm not looking for, like, happiness.

ricky: Right.

karl: I'm alright --

ricky: You're not looking for a penis, what? What's that for?

karl: What I mean is, right, I'm happy when I'm not fed up. So what I mean is, I'm happy --

ricky: This is the - is this your new book, "Psychology of the Mind". What is that? "I'm happy when I'm not fed up." That's like an eight-year-old trying to explain happiness. “Johnny, what is it when a-” “I’m happy when I’m not fed up.” “Well done. Good boy. That's it. You're happy when you're not fed up.” Talk like an adult.

karl: Yeah, but that's what I'm saying to you though. I don’t –

ricky: What?

karl: I'm happy most of the time, it's just that when things niggle me, I find that - I realize when I'm annoyed more than when I'm happy.

steve: But Karl you - every time we talk to you, you’re whinging about something. You got something that annoys you.

ricky: But he’s one of those people that if he whinges loud enough, he gets away with it. Like, he’s in here - I think – he goes, “Oh I’m really busy”, right? I come in and he's doing nothing. He's chatting because he's having big long chats with everyone about how someone's wound him up and they all come in and go, “Oh, Karl’s all fed up.” Because he’s got this show. You know what I mean? He’s wormed his way –

karl: No, but hang on a minute.

ricky: Go on.

karl: You came in - you came in moaning about the post and that today.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But everyone's annoyed and frustrated by that, there’s small businesses going out of business.

karl: I’m not, I’m not. You haven’t heard me –

steve: No you’re not, because who’s sending you letters? No one. You've got no friends.

karl: Mmm. Well –

steve: You said that yourself.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You've openly declared you don't want friends, they’re too much hassle.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. That is - that is my joy - friends is that - that is the point of life to me. It's - I can't wait to see them. I squeeze their head. I welcome them in.

karl: Mmm.

steve: “They annoy me”.

ricky: “Friends annoy me.” I love it. “Friends are annoying.” He’s even scared of, like, doing summat with a friend or getting a gift because he goes, “Oh I have to buy them one back now”.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It's sort of like life's a bit of a chore for Karl, innit?

steve: Well anyway, alright, let's leave that aside. Obviously, you’re never going to be entirely happy. Although apparently you are already on the brink of happiness.

karl: No, what I’m saying is --

ricky: All you have to say is, “Your hair looks nice”. That's all you had to say. “Yeah, it was good, yeah.” And that's it, end of story.

karl: What's the point in that? What is the point in that?

ricky: Because she doesn't really - she doesn't really care what you think, but she doesn't want to hear that she looks like Dave Hill from Slade.

steve: She’s not having a haircut just to please you Karl, despite what you might think.

karl: Yeah.

steve: He's taken aback by that.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: (laughs) Sorry. Happiness then, yeah. So.

steve: Alright

karl: What I mean is I was happy the other week, right, when I was going up to Manchester on the train. Nice quiet carriage, I'm sat there reading about sharks and that, right. Nice, nice and quiet and I got annoyed. I text you didn't I?

ricky: Yeah

karl: When uhh, two fellas got on, umm. Can we talk about it?

ricky: Well, yeah. I mean yeah you've started it. Two gay men got on, go on.

karl: Two gay fellas got on, and it wasn't the fact they were gay that bothered me,

ricky: No.

karl: It was like, you know, each to their own, let em get, you know what I mean. Let 'em do what they do.

ricky: Yeah. Behind closed doors.

karl: And umm, but they started talking really loud, right. And they were going on about uhh.

ricky: That's annoying anyway. That's annoying whether you're straight or gay.

karl: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, yeah talking too loud yeah.

karl: But d'you know that theory I have about, they go out late?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Gay people always go out late.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Right.

karl: When where I mean, what, what time do you go out in the evening?

steve: Ahh 7:30-8.

karl: You might go out about 7:30. You know if I'm outta work, I might, I might go out about eight o'clock or something.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Guarantee I'll sort of be in bed by about half 12.

steve: Sure.

karl: At that time they're still sort of ironing their jeans, right? And, and the funny thing was.

ricky: Ironing their jeans. Dancing along to ABBA.

karl: Yeah. I've always said this, right. And you've sort of said that's rubbish. I'm sat on the train reading about sharks, these two are talking and they're going, "oh, we can't wait to get there" and his phone goes and he goes uhh,

karl: "Hello", and uhh, in the end he goes "Anyway, I'll see you at one then." Right.

steve: Right.

karl: So I thought well, maybe that's tomorrow. Could be one in the afternoon, that's when most people would meet.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: (laughing) That's when most people would meet.

karl: And then he carried on talking. Carried on talking and he goes, "yep. So anyway, like I say, see you tonight. One o'clock he's meeting someone.

steve: (laughs)

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I don't, I don't, I don't know why they'd go out that late.

ricky: Do you remember when, his favourite record of all-time is 'The Killing of Georgie'.

steve: Sure

ricky: He said would he have been killed if he'd've been back at a decent time.

steve: Yes. That's a fair point. Sure.

ricky: There's no mention of the time in this song.

karl: And then the funny, the funny bit was actually, that did make me laugh, right. When he'd finished talking on the phone, he said to his partner, right, "Oh, there you go. Let's have a little chat." And the fellow said, "who was that?" and he said, "oh, it's Dave." He said, "which one's Dave?" Said, "you know, the one with the shaved head." I thought, in the gay community...

steve: Yeah

karl: That isn't a good description. Do you know what I mean?

ricky: No. Yeah. I know.

karl: Because they've all got little shaved heads.

steve: Before we move on, was the sharks article interesting? Did you learn anything?

karl: It was pretty good.

steve: Was it?

ricky: Go on, what was it?

karl: Yeah I'll teach you something about that later.

steve: Oh, okay.

ricky: Oh isthisisis, is this Educating Ricky?

karl: Uhh, it wasn't but I can, I can te, teach you a bit.

ricky: Yeah. Thats good.

karl: Play some ads an' that.

steve: Play some ads and a tune, and then have we got maybe a competition?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: What've we got?

steve: We're all looking forward to that.

announcer: XFM(song plays)

ricky: 'Fortune Faded' - Red Hot Chili Peppers on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Back for two hours a day, then a Monday off. Conning the management baby and sending this station spiralling down into the depths, for his greed and selfishness.

steve: Yes!

ricky: Okay! We were talking earlier about things that happen when we're away.

steve: Quite a lot.

ricky: Quite a lot. But there's one thing I heard, it might be a rumour, I hope it's a rumour. I kept it from you Steve because I do, I want you to sort of have, spirits up, because we've been editing the office and we got to be. Okay, umm. Okay I'm just gonna say it.

ricky: Um

ricky: I think Shed Seven have split up.

steve: Sorry I didn't...

ricky: Shed Seven have split up.

steve: Sorry I think I got something in my eye.

steve: Just a bit dust in there I think.

ricky: So. Okay. If it's true, it's true. And if not, at least we got their music, their music...

steve: The music lives on.

ricky: So we're going to dedicate this show to Shed Seven and all the bands they influenced...

steve: Influenced

ricky: So we're just going to play...

steve: Just every, every, every artist that formed a band after they'd heard Shed Seven, just play them from now on and obviously the hits all the hits, the Shed Seven hits.

ricky: When I saw this, I saw it on a website. It said something like "Is it true Shed Seven have split up?"

ricky: And the next, when you know one of those dorky message boards. Someone came on and said "You are joking?!"

ricky: Ah dear, what else is there?

steve: I just pray that it is just a rumour.

ricky: It is just a rumour yeah.

steve: Just confirm, then get in touch.

ricky: Just call in if it's true.

steve: Well no, call in, call in yourself.

ricky: Well Shed, if Shed's listening...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...and he's not busy. He's got Mondays off now, call in and say what was the split all about.

karl: Tell you what I read about, by the way.

ricky: Sharks, monkeys,

ricky: Or jellyfish.

karl: Err it's ten past innit and we haven't done a little bit of knob news, right?

ricky: No we haven't done knob news, no.

karl: But ermmm.

ricky: It's been three months. It's been three months coming.

karl: There's been. There's this thing. I don't know the full story, I don't know how it happened, right? But little, little Russian, little Russian fella.

steve: Yeah.

karl: He was sort of having it, sort of emptying his bladder, right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: And somehow electrocuted himself. Right?

steve: Right.

karl: And sort of did a bit of damage.

ricky: How did he do that, what did he, he snatched it on to some live wires or something?

karl: I don't know about that, something like that. So anyway...

steve: He did damage to himself or to an electric fire or something?

karl: No, to himself, yeah.

steve: To himself.

karl: And so the doctor...

ricky: Didn't, didn't slip and curling tongs went up his arse when he pissing did he because that's happened a lot.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And hospitals, we've, we've all, we've all shoved the old curling tongs up the arse when having a piss.

karl: All right, so erm...

karl: I can't even be bothered.

steve: No, go on we're interested, we're interested!

steve: Why, no come on we're interested, don't be like that.

ricky: You can be bothered, you get Mondays off, do some work.

karl: Alright so anyway so the doctor says "Uhhhf it's not looking good we'll have to take that off." And he's like "Uh."

ricky: What, a knob-ectomy?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Really?

karl: But the funny thing is right.

ricky: Nothing funny about that.

karl: They've done.

karl: You're doing my head in, you're doing my head in today.

steve: Just tell the story.

karl: He's doing my head in.

steve: Well you can chill out on Monday.

ricky: I've only got 15 minutes, but I am gonna torture you every Saturday. I'm going to get their money's worth out of this because you get Mondays off and I can't, I can't bear the fact someone's getting away with something like that because it's terrible. So you're going to stick this out or you're gonna have to work Mondays. So take it on the chin, right? Okay.

steve: Just finish the story.

ricky: Yes.

steve: I command you.

ricky: Just do it.

karl: Anyway, so they've said...he said, "You know, will you be able to sort me a little knob out?"

steve: A prosthetic knob?

karl: Yeah, but

karl: They put him out for the operation.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

karl: He woke up,

steve: Yep.

karl: ...right and he's thinking "Ahhh thank God that's over and done with."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: They've only grown it on his arm.

ricky: What you talking about?

ricky: You twat, shut the f...don't, don't. You're an idiot. What do you mean, they've grown on his arm?

karl: Apparently like, that's that's the way they do it.

ricky: Oh, but yeah, but to then put it on, that wasn't a mistake. It wasn't the doctor going "Does it go there?"

ricky: Some bloke going "I didn't do a degree."

steve: Are you a real doctor?

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: But why, why put it there?

ricky: Because it's got to graft, because it's got to

ricky: Grow, it's got a graft there, it's where they can control it, to skin- the skin tissue.

karl: ...on your arm?

ricky: Well...

karl: On the back, or...

steve: But they're going to remove it from the arm itse- what do you mean on the back?

ricky: On your back?

karl: Somewhere... well, they can't wear a T-shirt-

ricky: Yeah but you could, you could-

karl: -it's ridiculous.

steve: He's in hospital!

ricky: He- he- but this way you can still have a little tug-

karl: No, but-

ricky: -can't he.

karl: -they'll leave it there for quite a bit. It's not.... you know what I mean, it's not going to be like, oh it's just there for a few days.

steve: Yeah.

karl: It's there for a bit... That's not good is it

steve: So he's got a cock on his arm.

ricky: Yeah, what's up with that?

karl: What do you mean what's up with that?

ricky: Well, I mean, you- you could say it's a- a thumb or summat, couldn't he?

steve: Yeah, but they remove it-

ricky: Be good for hitching-

steve: -and attach it down below later.

ricky: -if you- if you had a knob instead of a thumb when you went hitchhiking, just tickle it and they can see it, like, a mile down the road, couldn't they.

steve: Boasting?

ricky: Yeah, if I'd lost my knob I'd go "oh I'm not gonna have all that stuff. Just whack a pair of tits on me." Do you know what I mean? I think oh, just forget it.

karl: But why not just put it where it should be straight away instead of messing about?

ricky: Where should it be straight away?

karl: You know...

steve: On the forehead.

karl: (disappointed) Ohh...

karl: Listen, let's- are we doing a competition?

steve: Let's play a tune, let's just- let's just-

ricky: Come on, Karl, you can't be bothered, right-

karl: Bit of Rainbow, bit of Rainbow, yeah?

ricky: -ok, we're gonna scrap this and you're gonna work Mondays again.

karl: ...shut up.

ricky: Since You've Been Gone by Rainbow. On Xfm 104.9. Well, it's what, the, uh....Londoners have been waiting for. It's Rockbusters innit, Karl?

karl: Well, it's not- it's not Rockbuster's, it's- it's something we've done... It's a bit like Rockbuster's but it's been tweaked.

karl: Alright?

steve: Brilliant.

karl: So remember that it's done with sound effects and that.

steve: Oh God...

ricky: Oh Christ

steve: Really?

ricky: What do you mean?

steve: Alright, come on

karl: Right remember this one, we- we tried it before-

ricky: Hold on, wait a minute, haven't got me headphones on yet, wait a minute, wait a minute-

steve: This is one you've done in the past-

ricky: -wait a minute

steve: -this is not the competition.

karl: This is not the competition. But I said, like, what, what song is this

ricky: Smack My Bitch Up, yeah. Yeah brilliant.

karl: Smack My Bitch Up.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: So, it's kind of that. But, but rather than just doing songs... It's "That Film or Song Sounds Good".

ricky: You know, when you do these things, you can't do them in the week. You've got to do 'em either Saturdays or Mondays.

karl: Yeah, I do, yeah, so-

ricky: Well, I'm gonna check on that because that'll really annoy me-

karl: Well it doesn't matter when I do it does it, because it's- it's been done, so it doesn't really- you don't have to worry about it-

ricky: No, but...

karl: -when it gets done and that, do you, cos it's done, so-

ricky: Well yeah but I don't want you taking time out of things you should do because you're doing it at work. You're already weaseling your way out of it. Xfm's going down the tube, and you're taking the piss left right and centre.

karl: Hmm. Right? So- so, here's- here's this week's little grab: That Film Or Song Sounds Good. So what is it?

steve: W-... what?

karl: Alright?

steve: It's a film or song title, is it?

karl: No, it's- it's a film or a song.

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Forget that, it's a film.

ricky: What are you talking about? That must have taken you three minutes, I hope you didn't do it on a Tuesday though, because that's cut into precious time. Have you seen how long a trail takes him? About 30 minutes and he-

steve: Sorry, but let me just- let's just-

ricky: -does about one a week

steve: -let's just concentrate for a second.

ricky: Ok, alright. This is a film, is it?

steve: This is a film title. The title of a film.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Play it again.

karl: All right.

steve: Oh deary me, deary me. Three months they've waited for that.

ricky: Three months for that...shite.

karl: Do you want to say what the prizes are?

steve: Oh I can do. I'll tell you there's good news and there's bad. I'd don't know, I think maybe this is what people think of Karl's quizzes, this is the respect they show us. Because you know that various companies, they'll send you product which you can include in competitions as a promotional tool. They've sent us, um, I'm Alan Partridge Series 2 and Fawlty Towers the complete series. Brilliant...

steve: ... on VHS.

steve: I mean who's got a video player anymore, Karl? It's for losers and the working classes!

ricky: Yeah, for - up north. They still sell em up north I think.

steve: Thankfully.

ricky: In Market stalls.

steve: It's been redeemed. It's I mean, I..I... wonder how we got ahold of that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, The Office Series 2 on DVD - that was, it was a nightmare getting ahold of that one. The best album in the world ever. It's got stuff on there - Super Furry Animals is on there, Supergrass, Goldfrapp, and

steve: Also The Best of the Boomtown Rats, which is not bad. And couple of Teachers DVDs. So some good stuff there amongst the VHSs.

steve: And you can win all those treats by identifying this film.

ricky: Oh God.

steve: Email only, we don't actually wanna speak to you.

steve: Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. I'm sorry if that's brought you down, it's made us feel -

ricky: Can I just say summat? What's the phone number, Karl?

karl: Uh, 08 700 800 1234.

ricky: 08 700 800...

karl: 1234.

ricky: 1234. Call up for no reason, because I want Karl to answer the phone. He hates doing it. So call up and talk to Karl. Ask him anything you want, just talk to him. Okay? Right answer the phone, they're going mad.

ricky: Thrills. Big Sur. On Xfm 104.9. He's so annoyed that he had to answer all those calls. Why didn't you like it?

karl: I just- we're wasting time, aren't we?

ricky: That's your listenership! They wanna speak to ya.

karl: No, that's nice and everything that people call up...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ...but we should be concentrating on what we're doing.

ricky: Yeah, but I do this show to annoy you. I don't do it for the money or the kudos or the awards.

ricky: Do you know what I mean. I do it so you have to be here and do what I say for two hours, because you're getting away with murder here in the week, I don't like seeing. I don't like injustice in the world, I try and fight it wherever I can.

ricky: So I do it to annoy -

steve: That's good of you Rick, thanks for doing that.

ricky: Yeah. Ye-ye-ye-ye-yeah.

steve: It's interesting though that you, you....it's p- you're passionate about fighting injustice, but you've focused specifically on Karl at Xfm. One of the world's lesser crimes.

ricky: Being a little bald Manc twat.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: I know yeah, but nonetheless, it is a crime. Look at- look he's got his head down like when you know those chimps that have, like, lost their mate in London Zoo? He just sits there like, you know, a broken animal.

ricky: Karl what are you thinking? Where are you on the happiness scale now, out of one to ten, Karl?

karl: I'm about a 3.

karl: Go on, Steve, what were you gonna do.

steve: Well, we were talking earlier about stuff that had happened while we've been away.

ricky: Exactly. Um, Shed Se-, we don't talk about Shed Seven.

steve: I haven't been this upset since Skunk Anansie broke up.

ricky: Yeah, I know. Cheryl Tweedy , uh...

steve: Tweedster

ricky: ...done that, done the Tweedster.

steve: Well, of course the war.

ricky: Is that all done and dusted?

steve: I think it's pretty much over, I think we've sorted that out.

ricky: Okay, good. What annoys me is people having a go at Tony Blair and Bush, right, for like bomb- you know bombing stuff and all that. But, my point is this, right. Those bombs have all been bought and paid for.

steve: Yeah, you the taxpayer have- yeah, they're yours now, they're bought and paid for.

ricky: I'm not a scientist, but I think bombs go off.

steve: I think so.

ricky: And if you don't use 'em, you lose 'em.

ricky: So let's use 'em! Do you know what I mean?

steve: Exactly! It's like tinned food: it lasts for a while, but eventually it's gonna go off.

ricky: It's like "ooh, we'd better eat that - no, don't open the fresh stuff". Don't build the fresh ones, let's use the old ones. So, um...

steve: Cos they're just stockpiling there and they cost us millions.

ricky: Yeah we want to see if they work as well. What, "we never tried that one"? Use them! Use them on just...you know...

ricky: Oh, Karl, who would you bomb, if you could.

karl: Uh..... I wouldn't.

karl: Whatcha mean?

steve: Or, imagine you could bomb a country. You're not actually going to bomb them, but you're just gonna frighten. Just gonna put the frighteners on 'em.

ricky: Frighten them yeah.

steve: You're just gonna go "I'm gonna bomb you!" and then obviously don't.

ricky: And they'll go running, hiding under tin shelters and that.

karl: ...Ricky's house?

ricky: No, come on. What country, what country.

karl: No, I wouldn't, I, honestly, no one sort of makes me fed up or anything.

ricky: No one makes you fed up?

karl: Not, not enough that I want to bomb a place.

steve: You're not actually the bomb them, you're just putting the frighteners on 'em.

karl: I wouldn't get involved. I'd just say...let someone else do it.

steve: What about you, Rick?

ricky: I got a list here.

steve: Do you know who I'd threaten?

ricky: Go on.

steve: The Swiss.

ricky: Oh, they've had it easy.

steve: They've always had it easy, they've always chickened out.

ricky: It's their equivalent of having Mondays off.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Like "Oh, we don't want to fight". You can both walk through it, you know what I mean? We're a carpet.

steve: Yeah, exactly. While we're busy sorting out fascism.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, or Osama Bin Laden, they're just chilling out.

ricky: They're holding ours and Hitler's coats, you know what I mean?

steve: Exactly.

ricky: We should have both turned on them.

steve: Yeah. I'll tell you who else, this will just frighten 'em up, just shake it up a bit.

steve: Um, Iceland

ricky: They've had it easy.

steve: Cause they have stayed out of everything, they have not been involved in anything as far as I can tell.

ricky: But you don't have to bomb them-

steve: Eskimos, they've never been involved with anything.

ricky: I know, don't bomb, just pour hot water on their igloos. Just send a plane over with warm water.

steve: Yeah a big flask.

steve: Yeah, nah just to shake things up a bit, just to keep them on their toes, that's all it is.

ricky: Why would you live there?

steve: If you could choose, I've no idea.

ricky: If you're an eskimo and you're born and "wahh", little baby and you grow up and you go "What? I'm - sorry - I'm eating ice and fish for the rest of my life? You're having a laugh"

steve: Fair enough like years and years ago, but now, presumably they, they're aware of the proper house, and the fact you can live in say Somerset or the south of France.

ricky: I know, but it's like haven't they learnt? It's like they haven't even got, they're not even on a good a thing as the North American Indians - now, they're sort of pissed up, smoking fags, they live in lovely little cages-

steve: Drugged up.

ricky: They all brought to their little village- they're having a whale of a time!

steve: Going crazy

ricky: They don't have to go hunting anymore, anything like that, killing buffalo.

ricky: And the same with the eskimos. Let's get 'em some beer and fags down there.

ricky: Knock the igloos down, build 'em some lovely little semis, or like um...

steve: Or just a little kind of trailer or a caravanette, or something like that's gotta be better, it's gotta be preferable.

ricky: Yeah, I know.

steve: Some of them have even got TVs built in, Rick.

ricky: I know

steve: And showers.

ricky: Yeah they've got cable and stuff, have they?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Or is there one sort of Icelandic channel-

steve: Well you'd get satellite or whatever, wouldn't you.

ricky: -Magnus magnusson-

steve: Yeah exactly.

ricky: -probably, doing... there's loads of Mastermind reruns.

steve: Yeah, and Pingu.

steve: Just on a loop!

ricky: That's porn over there, though.

steve: Yeah exactly.

ricky: Ohh, brilliant.

steve: No, that's like, that's like a hardcore documentary.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Uh, this is Racist FM, 104.9.

steve: Yeah. So who would you like to see bombed? Or - not bombed. Not bombed, but just put the frighteners on them.

ricky: Yeah, who would you scare —

steve: Email ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk.

ricky: — of anyone, any nation or anything. Karl, thoughts?

karl: Play a song?

ricky: Yeah, you're not working for your money, you’re not having Monday off. We've got to do summat Monday. Let's plan summat Monday just to get him in here. You've got - two hours for eight hours off. You don't do an eight hour day anyway, but —

steve: Rick, how much is he getting paid?

ricky: He’s get - he’s getting money for this. His wage - I think his wage went up last time. So he’s getting paid to be here. Extracurricular, extra work. Right? And so it's moonlighting. And they’ve given him a day off.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he’s contributing nothing.

steve: Nothing.

karl: *mumbles*

ricky: Huh? What, Karl? Did you say summat, mate?

karl: *mumbles*

ricky: Huh?

karl: It’s going on.

ricky: What?

karl: Going on with yourself.

ricky: Well, say summat back and earn your money!

karl: Well, let’s - let’s just play a song. We've done a bit - done a bit of stuff there.

ricky: You idiot.

steve: Don’t say “we” there, I’ve not heard anything from you. We’ve heard your contributions.

ricky: P.I.M.P, 50 Cent on XFM 104.9. Me, Ricky Gervais. Uh, you, Stephen Merchant. And you, Karl Pilkington. All right? What we doing then? How are we going? Karl, how are you feeling? How - what - I need you on a scale of 10 now, happiness scale.

karl: I, uh - just building back up again a bit.

ricky: Yeah? What?

karl: Probably on about a 5.

steve: Oh, that’s not bad.

ricky: Why, what - what - what changed it? What changed it?

karl: Just - just calmed down a bit.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So…

steve: The chilled out vibes of P.I.M.P probably helped you.

karl: Yeah.

steve: I think we should just say, um - give massive props to Adam and Joe who stood in for us.

ricky: Oh yeah, stood in for us. Uh, I —

steve: Just for a couple of months. Did a great job.

ricky: Yeah, great, really good. That —

steve: In fact, interestingly though, listening to their show —

ricky: Are they gonna give them their own - are they gonna get their own show here? I think they should.

karl: Yeah, they’ll probably get something.

ricky: Well, there you go.

steve: Well, um, it's interesting, as I was listening to them, they had quite a nice selection of features. They had a couple of good competitions and things. Now, I don't know if, um, having done them for XFM, is it somehow - they may be kind of under some kind of XFM copyright? Which would mean as we've got no ideas, maybe we could just hijack some of theirs?

ricky: Just nick some of theirs.

steve: Maybe you could look into that. Obviously not Monday, you’re not here, but —

ricky: I was with Joe Cornish last night. I went to a little, um, do at, um, uh, Jonathan's house and Joe was there. And he walked in and I was taken aback by how tall he is.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Because I've - I’d forgotten. And he's about 6’4. But he’s an unlikely - do you know what I mean by that?

steve: Mmm, mmm.

ricky: It's sort of like some people surprise you. And he was going, “You know, it's - I don't consider, um, 6’4 big.” I said, “It is pretty big.” I said, “But I know what you mean, I walk around with Steve Merchant.”

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And uh, he went, “How tall is Steve?” “6’6, 6 foot 7.”

steve: Yep.

ricky: And Joe went, “Oh that's - that's - that's nearly a disability, isn't it?”

steve: Do you know, he's absolutely right as far as I’m concerned. No, do you know, I genuinely - since school, I used to go to school with a little disabled fella. Lovely guy. No, I swear to God, lovely guy. And do you know, I remember him he came in when when we got in the sixth form and he basically got - I don't know what the ins and outs of it were, but as far as I could tell, he's got a car for free. A specially converted car.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, because he's disabled —

steve: ...and... (ricky starts talking over steve)

ricky: Same as Karl - "me, me me ". I need this. I need that.

steve: But it seemed to me that, I was thinking why can I not get something similar because there are some cars I can fit in, because I'm too tall. I genuinely cannot drive the smaller cars - the cheaper cars. I've got obliged to buy a more expensive larger car because I can't fit in the tiny ones.

ricky: That's like saying you've got to pay more for your shoes cause there's more leather which is true.

steve: Which is absolutely true, it's a nightmare getting shoes.

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah, but fat people have to pay more...

steve: Do you know what? It's a nightmare getting chairs - comfy chairs that I can sit in at home. If I sit in a chair for very long my back's killing me. Now. How is that not a disability?

steve: But no, I don't see, you don't see people like me whinging!

ricky: But I think tall people err, I read an article that taller people and average err, get, err, higher wages through something through, you know an advantage OR just because they're taken more seriously than little dumpy fellas

steve: Sure...

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: I don't think there are...

ricky: So it's swings and roundabouts.

steve: ...I Genuinely don't think there are many benefits of being really tall, people seem to assume there are, but beyond the fact that I can reach things down from a high shelf.

ricky: I know.

steve: I don't think there's any real perks.

ricky: I've seen you hit your head a few times.

ricky: I know I've seen it a few times and I think "oh God that must have hurt". Obviously. I'll make sure okay and then laugh.

steve: Course!

ricky: But I know that must be annoying.

steve: Thanks mate...

ricky: No, but I mean... there's a pub. There's one pub in SoHo that he has to go down backwards, he has to lean back! looks like a limbo dancer.

steve: Yeah, they've almost got to lower me in on ropes.

ricky: I always find it amusing! Oh dear...

steve: (inaudible) on an airplane, I can't get, some of the seats, I can't fit in some of the seats, not in anyway... not that (ricky starts talking over steve)

ricky: Because some people...

steve: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, HOW IS THAT NOT A DISABILITY!?

ricky: There's some seats that people can't afford because they're poor it's not a disability.

steve: THAT'S IRRELEVANT! Don't go on a plane then because you're poor!

ricky: But!

steve: If you can't afford to go on a plane, you can't aford to go on a plane. You should have studied hard at school.

ricky: But what annoy, yeah but I mean what annoys me about that is, there's... there's... there's...

steve: This is a physical disability born with!

ricky: There's a there's a weight allowance. So I might not be allowed loads of bags on but there might be a big fat pig in the queue is about the same chocolate allowance as me.

steve: But that's because they've been eating like a bloater. I couldn't stop myself from growing this tall. It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't think "I'll tell you why I won't I won't smoke when I'm a teenager".

steve: Maybe I'll shoot up,

steve: I'll eat healthy. I'll probably add an extra two feet. It just kept going!

ricky: You do eat too Healthy, you eat way too many greens.

steve: But that's not why I grew to this height, isn't it?

ricky: Yeah, but if you'd lived near, I don't know, some sort of pylon or something and just, as I say, smoked from an early age, you wouldn't have been that tall.

steve: Don't think when I was at gangly teenager having the piss taken at me, I wasn't thinking "I wish I'd been born near a pylon".

karl: Could you...

steve: You know or Chernobyl...

karl: Could your mam or dad like, could've, could they have bandaged you like they did with little...

karl: Didn't they do that with someone's feet?

ricky: Well, yeah (ricky and steve talk over eachother)

steve: I didn't come out this tall, did I?

karl: No but (ricky, steve AND karl talk over eachother)

ricky: HOW would they bandage him? They'd have to bandage him around the feet around the top of the head.

steve: Yeah. I'd be walking around looking like a mummy.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah a bonsai Boy!

steve: But people didn't really realize I was going to be this tall until I was 14 or 15, you know, you don't realize when you're an eight-year-old as everyone's taller, aren't thet?

ricky: How tall were you about like a gangly - okay - so typical gangly teenager? 15! How tall were you a 15!

steve: Dunno... 6'5" maybe?

ricky: And I bet you're like a beanpole weren't ya?

steve: Of course.

ricky: Yeah, what sort of glasses did you have?

steve: Cool.

ricky: No, what did you have?

steve: I don't know - a monocle.

steve: No, I can't remember.

ricky: Didn't you wear a bowtie once?

steve: I thought... I thought... I was trying to preempt the styles that might be coming round. I think I'd been watching a lot of George Formby films and I thought it could only be a lot... it can only be a matter of time before the Bowtie comes in. I thought you might be quite kind of Urbane and debonair.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So all (inadible).

ricky: Was Robin day at the height of his fame?

steve: I think he might.

ricky: Around this time... Yeah.

steve: I want to go for that Dandy look, I thought that's what the girls are looking for.

ricky: Dandy! I know yeah...

steve: The Dandy...

ricky: Ohhh, dear...

ricky: Just to see you with a pipe and Trilby.

steve: Yeah

ricky: I just think you'd look great walking along the street.

steve: What about a boater?

ricky: Boater... yeah.

steve: But genuinely, it really does frustrate me that I don't get any allowance as (inaudible).

ricky: It doesn't count as a disability...

steve: It does count!

ricky: No it doesn't, it's not a disability being six foot seven.

steve: But how can you explain for instance, you know traveling on a bus or coach - there's some seats I can't sit in.

ricky: The only disadvantage is people look at you. I HAVE seen people stare at you, umm but they stare at me because I've been on the telly!

ricky: What's that a disability? people being recognized...

steve: Yes, but you could avoid that by not being on the Telly. It's your choice. This is my point. It's your choice.

ricky: Yeah ok...

steve: It's the same as a big fat people. It's their choice.

karl: It's a different sort of stare, isn't it? I've been there.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: When you know the sort of stare that you get and sort of these sort stare steve gets.

ricky: Well, obviously, I'm sorry Steve. I'm going to, you know, follow this enquiry - what do you mean karl?

karl: So I'm just saying it's more of a stare of fear than like, with you the go "Oh it's him!".

ricky: Yeah go on...

karl: Whereas with you. It's more like... Geeze...

steve: Do you know what frustrates me?

ricky: What?

steve: I thought he did deserve having a Monday off - I've changed my tune.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Sometimes I mean you don't realize this listeners, but sometimes I'm an intermediary. I do step in when he's winding him up, because Karl gets to the point where he's going to explode.

ricky: Yeah (talking over steve) It's okay gerv...

steve: It's crazy. And I step in, and this is the kind of response I get from Karl. The kind of backchat I get.

ricky: Well I told you! He's a little user!

steve: I'll tell you what because he's too scared of winding you up because he knows that you're just walk out of here and he won't get his Monday off.

ricky: Absolutely play a record. You little oik.

steve: Weasel... you're a weasel.

ricky: Jo Jackson - Different for Girls and Xfm 104.9... Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant Karl Pilkington. He's annoying me now because he's got a day off and he's got two hours and he's miserable, he's not even doing anything for the show, it really annoys me.

steve: Well, hang on. Wait a minute. You've forgotten His brilliant film quiz.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: He's contributed that.

ricky: That he probably did during the week.

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Well...

ricky: Are you change your attitude Karl, or what? or shall we just like... not bother with this show?

karl: Told you - don't annoy me and you'll get the best out of me. Yeah?

ricky: Okay. I told you, I told you, this show is to annoy you you knew that!

karl: But this is what you're gonna get. Do you know what I mean?

ricky: But no, you've got, a you've got to be good and get the day off or there's no point... for any of us.

karl: Right, if you have an operation, would you annoy the doctor?

ricky: What...? (laughing)

karl: He can't concentrate can he? Don't wind him up...

ricky: I love the fact he's a doctor.

steve: All of sudden?

ricky: Yeah. He's got a press of button.

ricky: And find out what a monkey did in 1932 and it's, ohh...

steve: Where's the monkey news?

karl: It's been a bit quiet hasn't it. I've been keeping an eye out-

steve: What in the last three months?

karl: There was something that I found last week about one that was in an old people's home-

karl: -erm, it- it escapes from some zoo, it was wandering about, it'ss enjoying itself, and then when it got to the night time, it was like, "ohh, what am I going to do"

karl: And the first place it comes across is like this old people's home.

karl: Went in there. I think it was there for about a week and a half-

karl: -without anyone realizing-

ricky: No. No, no, no.

karl: No, no it did-

ricky: No, wh-what so... so the- the helpers and the nurses and the- the social workers and the matrons and all that, they thought...

ricky: "Well Mr. Sanders looks a bit hairy"-

ricky: -"But I mean that happens, you know you comes out ear and you nose when you get to about 70."

ricky: "And he's stooped over."

ricky: "Yeah, of course he is, he's got bowlegs, yeah."

ricky: "And he eats more fruit."

ricky: "Course he does."

karl: Well, that- that's when they- that's when they realized.

ricky: Why?

karl: Because the- someone in the kitchen said "hang on a minute, we're getting through more bananas than we normally do."

ricky: (laughing) Right, do the competition, do the one thing you've done this week, probably in their time again, you're getting paid for it you're having Mondays off-

karl: Right, so yeah-

ricky: -and you're not into it. So-

karl: -that, that- that film-

ricky: -waste of time.

karl: -that film sounds good. It was like this

ricky: Yeah, yeah, ok, oh f...-

ricky: Yep, hurry up.

karl: Alright, so that's a bit of a cryptic clue.

ricky: Yeah

karl: Erm, someone eating this woman.

karl: And he's happy that he's had that.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, go on, yeah.

karl: That was Gladiator.

karl: So... who- who wins-

steve: A couple of people sent in- sent in Hannibal, which would still work?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And, erm, someone else sent in Maneater, which I suppose works as well.

ricky: Although he did put the thing in about "I'm well happy" - glad.

steve: Yeah, I know, but even so...

ricky: I know, it's not- it's not worth the... I don't know, hundred quid he gets for this and a day off, no.

steve: Well, Eva, who got the answer right... Eva, who got the answer right, well done to her, I'm going to give her the prizes. She said that she'd heard this before on Christian O'Connell's show.

ricky: Ohh this is really annoying, right that's it.

ricky: You're going to do summat, or we're going to stop this and you'll have to work Mondays again. Because you are taking the piss out of me, you're taking the piss out of Graham, and you're taking the piss out of London. I'll see you next week, if you change your attitude.

steve: Limp Bizkit. We may be back next week. It depends how Karl, uh, gets- maybe bucks up his attitude.

steve: Thanks for listening.

• Season 1

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    Season 01 Episode 01

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    Season 01 Episode 02

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    Season 01 Episode 03

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    Season 01 Episode 04

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    Season 01 Episode 05

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    Season 01 Episode 06

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 07

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    Season 01 Episode 08

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 09

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 10

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 11

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 12

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    Season 01 Episode 13

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 14

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 15

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    Season 01 Episode 16

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    Season 01 Episode 17

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    Season 01 Episode 18

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    Season 01 Episode 19

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    Season 01 Episode 20

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    Season 01 Episode 21

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 22

  • 

    Season 01 Episode 23

• Season 2

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 01

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 02

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 03

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 04

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 05

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 06

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 07

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 08

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 09

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 10

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 11

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 12

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 13

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 14

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 15

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 16

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 17

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 18

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 19

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 20

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 21

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 22

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    Season 02 Episode 23

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 24

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 25

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 26

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 27

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 28

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 29

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    Season 02 Episode 30

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 31

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 32

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 33

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 34

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 35

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 36

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 37

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 38

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 39

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 40

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 41

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 42

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    Season 02 Episode 43

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    Season 02 Episode 44

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    Season 02 Episode 45

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    Season 02 Episode 46

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    Season 02 Episode 47

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 48

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 49

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 50

  • 

    Season 02 Episode 51

• Season 3

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 01

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 02

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 03

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 04

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 05

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 06

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 07

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 08

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 09

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 10

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 11

  • 

    Season 03 Episode 12

• Season 4

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 01

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 02

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 03

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 04

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 05

  • 

    Season 04 Episode 06

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