XFM Vault - S03E03 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: A Retro cut there, Thin Lizzy, Don’t Believe a Word. On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervay, with me Steve Merchant - Bobbity Boo! Who’s that over there? It’s Karly Pilkboys!

steve: Oh that’s classic.

ricky: You all right, Karl? How’re ya doing? C’mon – up! Up! Bigabagadoo! Pro-ject! Project! There’s people out there wanting to, you know, cheer up their Saturday afternoons. We’re the boys for it, yeah? We’re like quick-quick fitters.

steve: All right, Karl?

ricky and steve: Come onnn!

karl: I’m all right! I’m up for it!

steve: That’s it, this is the height of excitement?!

ricky: This is it is it? This is you off your head, is it? High on life.

ricky: Christ. What did Suzanne say about you saying about her big arse?

karl: Aw. She, she heard about it.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Should we recap what happened last week?

ricky: Well, the week before, he uh said that her haircut looked like Dave Hill from Slade, she didn’t like that. … A bit grumpy, he went, ‘Yeah, I didn’t mention her fat arse’, still thinking that she would never hear about this. What happened when you went home?

karl: She heard about that off a mate, and we sorted it out, and I didn’t have to buy her anything, I just sort of said, ‘Come on, you know what the show’s about and that, stop moaning.’ That was all right until about Thursday, when I was reading about, uh, do you know like they say there’s two worlds and that? And whatever I’m doing now, here, there’s another one of me doing the same?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well, he’s probably taking some time off. Probably having a week off.

ricky: Yeah. Go on.

karl: But I was just talkin' about that, and she was sayin', ‘Naw, that doesn’t happen.’ And I sorta said, ‘Well, they definitely won’t have a haircut like yours.’ And that sort of started the, the argument again.

ricky: Yeah, it’s almost like you haven’t learnt your lesson. Also, it’s like you’re talking about it again on air, almost, in a way. So her mates can hear it again. Very short learning curve. You know what? Karl, if there was a, if I cut a hole in a, in a box, and you knew there was an orange in there, right, and you put your hand in, would you be stuck there trying to get that orange out, do you think? Or would you just like, let it go and sort of tip it upside down to get it out?

karl: What do you mean?

steve: I think that answers your question. Is that a cardboard box on your hand, Karl?

steve: So is there any other things you want to criticize Suzanne for, while we’re on air? Anything else? Anything that’s been niggling, that you feel you should get off your chest?

karl: Ehhhh….

steve: The hair, the arse …

karl: Naw, leave it.

steve: Everything else is fine.

ricky: Leave it. I think so. That’s good. I think leave it. Well done.

steve: Now can we just check, what, uh, are the big Karl Features that you’ve got today? Have we got Monkey News?

karl: Got Monkey News comin’ up, yeah. Got a bit of, uh, got Rockbusters, and uh, the Film Thing ..

steve: Still not got a name.

ricky: (laughs) Yeah.

steve: The Film Thing...

karl: Just me in a film and that and uh, this week, we’re digging out the old, er one, I’m in, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, brilliant film.

ricky: Yeah, brilliant film. It was my favorite film until I saw Godfather.

karl: Better than that.

ricky: Well, y'know, yeah, some would say that, yeah.

karl: No, it is. The storyline's more interesting.

ricky: I didn’t know there was an actual answer. So-sorry, what’s best?

karl: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest—

ricky: Is it? OK. All right.

steve: That's fact Rick.

ricky: Where, where’s Godfather, ‘cause I want to know, so I don’t embarrass myself.

karl: Uh –

ricky: Is it my 4th favourite film, er-

karl: Prob’ly about 5th.

ricky: My 5th favourite film, is it? Brilliant.

steve: Talkin’ of lists,

ricky: I suppose I like Kes and The Elephant Man, do I?!

karl: Do ya?

steve: Lists, Rick, I don’t know if you saw in the paper, I think it’s on TV this evening, it’s, uh, as voted for by viewers of VH-1, the music channel, they’ve basically come up with a list of the Greatest Pop Culture Icons, uh, ever. Uh, there’s 100.

ricky: Where’s Elvis?

steve: So Elvis is, for instance, is number 3.

ricky: Jimmy Dean in there?

steve: James Dean is in there, I think he’s a bit lower. Uh, let me see, he’s at number 21-2. Number 22. We’ve got David Beckham at number 1.

ricky: Ah, well, ok, well then, so – Robbie Williams is in there, so it’s, it’s British bias?

steve: Robbie Williams is number 9, he’s just uh, just below Abba.

ricky: Oh OK...

steve: But um, interestingly, this is of interest to you, I think, number 66 …

ricky: Yeah?

steve: The Office.

ricky: That’s all right.

steve: Well, it is, Rick, it’s nice that the show is in there and that, that’s a very flattering thing. I’ll tell ya what cheapens it, I’ll tell ya what undermines it, the things that are lower in the list than the show.

ricky: Oh God, so we’ve beaten –

steve: Well –

ricky: Go on –

steve: I’ll give ya a little test. Higher or lower, do you think this is higher – nearer the top of the most important pop culture icons, or lower than ours, OK, I’m gonna give you – Superman.

ricky: Well. International, been around since the ‘30s, one of the biggest icons on the planet, I’ll say higher.

steve: Lower.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: Ludicrous.

ricky: OK, so ..

steve: Do you think higher or lower – Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon?

steve: This guy’s been to the moon.

ricky: Well, I’d say, I'd say lower then.

steve: Lower.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, um –

karl: Is that – is that sayin the people behind the rocket or just him?

karl: ‘Cause he just sat there, just sat there, didn’t do anything.

steve: It’s what he’s symbolic of.

ricky: No – yeah – it’s not just, how much work went into it.

karl: Oh all right then.

steve: A few others.

ricky: What about things like Coca-Cola?

steve: Oh no, they don’t really count. It tends to be, they don’t feature. I mean Mickey Mouse is in there, uh, what do you make, what do you reckon – Tom Cruise, higher or lower, Tom Cruise is the number 1 box office star in the world?

ricky: Presumably lower, then.

steve: He’s lower. Number 81.

steve: Just about scraped in there... it really is a list drawn up by people who just sat at home and looked along their video and book collection.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ‘Um …. Office, yeah, that’s good.’

ricky: Well it is a reflection of that, but it’s always that, you do an HMV poll and it’s Pet Sounds, uh, Revolver, Let’s Get it On, Robbie Williams: Life Through a Lens.

ricky: Because it’s, it's y'know, the people who vote, it’s a reflection of like those massive, you know, what’s big at the moment. I was the Most Powerful Man in Comedy, let’s not forget –

steve: Yes.

ricky: One year ago – wonder where I’ll be this year?

steve: See, if that had been the laziest man in comedy –

steve: You’d have got my vote.

steve: Interestingly, though, number 26, Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Oh, imagine! Oh –

ricky: ‘All Possibilities’, Badly Drawn Boy, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, and little Karly Pilkoids.

steve: Rick, um, Suzy’s emailed. She’s wondered if you could give a massive hello to Hannah and Charlotte and all in the sixth form at Copthall School –

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Just give them a massive hello?

ricky: Yeah, shout out, shout out. Yeah, massive. Where’re they from?

steve: Uh, I don’t know. I can’t quite pronounce it – Copthall School?

ricky: Copthall Massive.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They’re probably known as. Yeah.

steve: So good luck to Suzy, Hanns, and Charls.

ricky: When did we start doin’ dedications?

steve: I feel we should, 'cause I’ve always felt it was something that’s lacking on the show. Interaction with the audience, you know?

ricky: Interesting only to to the one person whose name is mentioned.

steve: Yeah – of course – but that’s how proper DJs fill up their time. They don’t talk about monkeys, and, you know, and all that kind of, drivel.

ricky: Ooh. Do you think monkeys are drivel, Karl?

karl: Well – we’ll still be doin’ a bit of Monkey News, no matter how much you have a pop at it. It’s comin’ up in a bit. Got some good stuff this week. I, I know it’s been a bit dull, last 2 weeks.

ricky: Well no, it’s not been dull – it’s been totally untrue.

steve: As ever.

ricky: Bordering on the impossible. I mean, monkey dating. Saying ‘What tree are we meeting in?’ You believe that sort of drivel. So, I mean, oh. Oh, God. Jonathan Ross told a story about a chimpanzee once.

karl: Go on.

ricky: It was about.

ricky: But it was about how it escaped from the zoo. And it jumped on a bus. OK. Interesting, funny –

karl: I did that one!

ricky: But possible – there’s possibility in that one being true.

karl: But I did that, I did that one.

steve: I think you said something like he drove the bus, or he was conducting it –

ricky: I think you said he took it to Spain.

karl: Mm.

ricky: You see the difference? It’s that little stretch, of credibility, that means it’s all shite.

steve: How is Jonathan Ross? All right?

steve: You see, I wondered how long it would take before his name popped up. How is he, how is the old mucker? Looking forward to his birthday Monday?

ricky: Oh – oh dear. Yeah.

steve: I don’t know if any of the listeners, uh, saw Ricky on Jonathan Ross’ TV show last night. What, I mean, MAN ALIVE!

ricky: What?

steve: Well, that’s not an interview! How is that an interview?

ricky: What?

steve: It’s not – he wasn’t interviewing you – it was like two pals just havin’ a laugh, and if we – it was like, it was a family do, and you just happened to film it and stick it on the telly.

steve: My friend made a good point – it was like any minute his kids were gonna pop out, sit on that sofa next to you, and go ‘Ooh, Uncle Ricky! Do the little dance!’ (makes the Office dance music noise) It was unbelievable! I mean, what were you wearin’, for a start!

ricky: Whaaaat??

steve: What’s that? Some tatty old jumper like you’d just been doin’ some artexing and he’d gone, ‘Pop ‘round, Rick. We’re havin’ a coupla drinks!’

ricky: That’s – that was Lambretta!

steve: Lambretta! Was it inside out?

ricky: Trendy jumper!

steve: How- how do you keep getting things with the Saint George Cross on it?

ricky: Na- what do you mean? That’s the only one I’ve got!

steve: You’ve got loads of stuff! T-shirts, jumpers, shoes!

ricky: Naw, I’ve got a Union Jack -

steve: Underpants!

ricky: Um, uh, uh, whatsit, a French Connection one –

steve: But that’s not, that’s not what I’m saying

ricky: Underpants! I haven’t got any underpants!

steve: That’s not my concern though, it’s just the fact – I mean firstly, the fact that Ricky, for those that don’t realize, Ricky is friends with Jonathan Ross. They are friends. Now, they’ve only known each other, what? A year maybe?

ricky: ‘Bout 2, yeah –

steve: It’s less, I think it’s less than 2. Now what worries me is, you’re, the friendship’s too close –

ricky: What’d’ya mean?

steve: Because you’re over 40 - You see, it seems to me that after the age of 25, men, should not be becoming really close friends with other men. You’ve had all your friends – you made them at university, at school, and if you’re in a walk of life and you met someone at a party or a pub, even if you got on, you would not be phoning them every other day, like going to an awards do – ‘What’re you wearing, Jonathan?’ I’ve heard this conversation – ‘What’re you wearin’? I think I might wear this, is it too formal? Is that gonna be too formal?’

ricky: That’s not true!

steve: It is! You’re always on the phone to him! You’re always chattin’, ‘I’m just gonna pop round,’ ‘Oh, I’m just gonna play some tennis!’

ricky: Yeah! We play tennis!

steve: Always hangin’ out with the guy .. and it’s, to me, it’s unhealthy, and this, it’s just bled over now, onto TV -

ricky: Oh – hold on, wait a minute, wait a minute –

steve: Woah woah – So, you’re there, it’s like – I’ll tell you what it reminded me of – Des O’Connor and Jethro,

steve: Comin’ on, to plug his live video.

ricky: Or Tarby and Kenny Lynch –

steve: And at the end of the interview, after they’ve been, you know, mutually back-slappin’

ricky: Yep –


steve: Jonathan Ross, gave you, a cat! As a replacement for your cat which died! Now to me, that’s an inappropriate gift!

ricky: Why? It’s a lovely gift!

steve: That’s – You should be – I don’t think people should be giving PETS, as gifts – imagine –

ricky: Do you know what I got him –

steve: Imagine at a wedding: ‘I just bought you a cat’

ricky: Do you know what I’ve got him, for his birthday? I’ve got him a child.

steve: Well! You may as well! Because that’s what it’s like, a cat, to me!

ricky: I’ve got a small Rwandan child.

steve: A cat, to me, it’s like I’ve bought you this small child. I was gonna sponsor him, but I’ve got a bit of cash, I’ve flown him over.

ricky: It was a lovely gift!

steve: It’s too, it’s too intimate – it’s like, it’s too much responsibility!

ricky: D’you know what I think? D’you know what I think, Karl?

karl: What?

ricky: I think Steve’s a bit jealous.

steve: I tell ya – I’ve got good reason to be jealous.

ricky: What?

steve: I’ve got good reason to be jealous.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I just remembered this – your birthday – Jonathan Ross was there... Karl Pilkington was there...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don’t remember being invited.

steve: I don’t remember being invited – was I there, Karl? You were there – I don’t remember being there.

karl: Well, you’re with him all day, and that –

steve: Right. OK, well yeah, but he sees you a lot, I mean, Jonathan is round his house every other day, playin’ tennis, and who else knows what, swimmin’ together, and sat in his jacuzzi...

steve: Cracking wise, what happened there? What happened there?

ricky: I think we got to the bottom of it. Play a record.

karl: The villa that we went to afterwards –

steve: Yeah?

karl: Could only take six –

steve: Yeah, it may as well have been!

steve: How is the cat? All right?

ricky: Yeah –

steve: What’ve you named it? Jonathan?

ricky: Ollie.

ricky: ‘Hey-ya’, Outkast, Xfm, 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. It’s that time, innit? Rockbusters –

steve: ‘ray!

ricky: Come on – Karl – what you got for us?

karl: All right, d'you wanna, uh, d'you wanna say what the prizes are –

steve: Actually the prizes aren't bad this week.

ricky: Really?

steve: We've got uh...

ricky: I'll be the judge of that.

steve: Actually what am I talking about, no, there’s a two disc set – Rock ‘n Roll Legends, on the cover there, they’ve got Buddy Holly, Elvis, Roy Orbison, and Little Richard.

ricky: No one wants that, baby.

steve: Nobody’s interested! Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, a DVD – I’m a Nick Cave fan, and I wouldn’t watch it.

ricky: Yeah, you’d watch it once, at most, when there was nothing on –

steve: Yeah, at best – Knowing Me, Knowing You –

ricky: Nick Cave’s good, but when do you watch rock DVDs?

steve: Yeah. Knowing Me, Knowing You – great series, obviously, but it’s –

ricky: VHS!

steve: Once again on VHS, no one wants it on VHS. Where're all the bonus features?

ricky: Absolute pointless so far.

steve: The only thing that's half-decent is this enourmous hardback League of Gentlemen book which has scripts and all sorts of stuff if you're a League of Gentlemen fan, you'll love it, if not, I guess it's a good Christmas gift.

ricky: If you're not a League of Gentlemen fan, there's nothing in this for you.

steve: No exactly.

ricky: So...

steve: Y'know, you could either enter for the hell of it-

ricky: A pile of rubbish, what's the- well, not as bad as the competition I spose, so... go on.

karl: Right, well you know how it works, cryptic clue-

ricky: It's not really cryptic, it's usually wrong.

karl: Kind of is.

ricky: Yeah...

karl: Um, right, so the first one, there's three of 'em, you get them right, you win the stuff. First one, er...

ricky: Or get 'em close, I mean 'cause, you could win this if you got one right, possibly.

karl: 'If you go to Chepstow you will.'

steve: Is that a clue or is that a point- is that-

karl: That's, that's the clue.

steve: Right. Say it again?

karl: 'If you go to Chepstow, you will.'

steve: What are the initials?

karl: Just 'S'.

steve: Just 'S'.

karl: Right. Second one, um, 'E.T.'s upset, what's up with him?'

karl: Alright? 'E.T.'s upset, what's he upset for, what's wrong with him?' Right?

ricky: Different. So not cryptic, so... go on.

karl: 'M.E.' are the initials there.

steve: 'N.E.'?

karl: 'M.'

steve: 'M.E.'

karl: 'M' for mother. 'M.E.' Alright? And the third one, um... 'I had a... I had a tape with um...'

ricky: Jesus...

ricky: Imagine Bob-

steve: Write them down Karl!

ricky: Imagine Bol Hol- Bob Holness doing this against, in the Gold Run, against the clock, 'Right, er, well, I had a... tape, no, a tape or summat... er...'

karl: No listen, 'I had a tape with 'umpty Dumpty on it-

karl: -and, and 'ickory Dickory Dock and that on it, but, I've broke it.' Alright? Um-

steve: Constantly listening to it, trying to figure them out.

ricky: Trying to solve the crime.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: 'Who pushed Humpty?!'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah...

karl: The initials there, 'B.R.' Right? So, first one, 'if you go to Chepstow, you will', the initial there 'S.' 'E.T.'s, er... E.T.'s upset, what's up with him, what's up with E.T.?'

ricky: 'What's up with E.T., E.T.'s upset, what's up with E.T.?'

steve: The initials there 'M.E.', is that right?

ricky: Yeah, 'ey yeah, let's go through that one more time, 'if you go to Chepstow you might-

steve: They're like jazz questions.

ricky: Yeah exactly!

steve: Just freeform...

ricky: Exactly yeah, yeah, 'E.T.'s a bit upset, what's, hey, what's that, what, hey dude what's the matter man?'

karl: And 'I had a tape with like 'umpty Dumpty, on it, 'ickory Dickory Dock, stuff like that, doesn't work anymore, what's, what's gone on there?' Right?

steve: 'What's gone on there?'

karl: 'B.R.'

ricky: First time you said, you broke it.

karl: Well, I broke it then.

steve: Is that important or not?

karl: Yeah.

karl: I broke it.

ricky: And you said it's 'B?'

karl: 'B.R.'

ricky: OK.

karl: Alright.

steve: OK, well you can text if you have, uh..

steve: A mobile phone, so everyone, there's no excuse to not take part, 83XFM is the text, 83XFM. And the phone number, no we're not doing the phone are we...

ricky: I think I know, I think I know what the 'B' might stand for... um...

steve: And erm, otherwise it's [email protected] . We'd love to hear from ya...

ricky: Oh it's just sucks the lifeblood out of me Rock- just listening to Rockbusters.

steve: Something to bring you down even further, although it's a beautiful, beautiful tune.

ricky: Aw, beautiful.

steve: Er, Ryan Adams has got a number of different albums out at the moment, one is called 'Rock and Roll', it's not great, don't really bother with that one; do dig out though 'Love Is Hell Pt.1' from Ryan Adams, it's available uh, at different places, and you'll find this on it, track 5, 'Wonderwall', his version of Oasis's 'Wonderwall.'

ricky: Absolutely beautiful, innit?

steve: It's a treat, Xfm 104.9.

ricky: Yeahhh...

ricky: 'Fortune Faded', Red Hot Chili Peppers on Xfm 104.9.

steve: You of course, um, don't ever take the tube anywhere, Rick.

ricky: No.

steve: You haven't done that for years.

ricky: No.

steve: Um, take cars everywhere, or you walk...

ricky: Yup.

steve: Or you get a lift from Jonathan. Um, but me, I'm still forced to take the tube, which is also very embarrassing at the moment-

ricky: You're not forced to take the tube, are ya?

steve: I am.

ricky: What do you mean you're forced to-

steve: What am I, made of money?

ricky: Well, you can walk-

steve: How else am I gonna get about?

ricky: You could walk. You can drive, why don't you buy a car?

steve: Oh yeah, driving into the center of town? Congestion charge, are you paying that are you? A fiver?

steve: Eh?

ricky: What do you think of that Karl? Eh?

steve: Um... so er...

steve: Oh yeah 'cause he's Mr. er, Flush, he's Mr. Lavish-with-his-cash.

karl: No, I've moved in closer haven't I, I'm not moaning about it, I walk everywhere now.

steve: Well good-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'm pleased for ya-

karl: I moaned about it but then I sorted it out.

steve: But you're always whinging anyway, let's not get on to you Karl, it's always you you you.

karl: Well, I'm just saying...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So um-

ricky: What's up with Steve today do you think Karl?

karl: I dunno, what's going on?

ricky: He's having a go isn't he?

steve: It's not helping, those posters being on the tube, of us.

steve: That's not helping. I dunno if you've seen those posters, you obviously don't go, have you seen them Karl?

ricky: I s- I saw the, saw the, yeah... I haven't seen them on the tube bu-

steve: It's just like, everywhere I go I'm stood next to one, I can't avoid it.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'm on the tube waiting, I look round, 'Aw it's us, again', it's so embarrassing, 'cause it makes- 'cause it looks like you're stood next to it deliberately.

ricky: But I can't browse in HMV now; I went last week and I- you keep coming up to pictures or cardboard cutouts of Brent, and uh, I was in a bookshop, and I was looking at, there was a big almanac of comedy, right, and I was just looking through it, just browsing right, killing time, and there was a picture of me, and just as I started looking at this write-up of The Office, a tap on my shoulder, it was a woman that works there, said 'do you mind signing some scriptbooks?' So she saw me looking at myself.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: And I was, wanted to go, 'you know I just, y'know I just turned to that page then...'

steve: Yeah, I was in a bookshop looking, there was a big book on sitcoms, it was like 'The A-Z of Sitcoms' or something like that, and I was genuinely looking up other shows, 'cause um, it was about other comedy shows, and I was looking something up, guy that I knew came up to me, like that, and I just started to say 'aw, just looking, aw, Robin's Nest, where's that, Birds of a Feather, I just gotta...' 'Cause it's so, it's like- I'm interested in comedy, before the fact I got in comedy, so I wanna buy a book on comedy.

ricky: Well of course, exactly, yeah.

steve: But on the tube it's really awkward because it's like, um, you, it, everywhere I walk they're kind of round the corner, so you don't sort of expect them, and then I'm sort of running now from kind of corridor to corridor, pillar to pillar, to avoid being stood next to this picture, in case I look like someone who stands next to his picture.

ricky: Imagine that. Ah... course, Karl didn't want his little round bald head on there.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Well...

steve: But, um, I was on the tube today, and um... y'know, sometimes you can't help but overhear a conversation, and er... this woman, they were two friends, they were sat there, and one woman said um... she just said, er, 'oh I must tell you this, I must tell you this, (chuckles), I was in the pub last night, and er, Dave called, and I said 'Dave!', he said 'I can't hear you', I said 'Dave! It's not-', he said 'I can't hear ya!' So I held the phone up so he could hear all the noise in the pub. Ah...'

ricky: That was it?

steve: That was the anecdote.

steve: That was the story, and I wanted to lean over, to her friend, and say, 'unless this woman has given you a kidney, or saved you from drowning, do not be friends with her, break up this friendship-

ricky: -'cause she hasn't got anecdotes.'

steve: 'Cause what's that? And I'v- I've got aquaintances like that where you know, you speak to them, you get cornered at a party, you know this is the person who has not got anecdotes. The anecdotes, they're not stories. They just... that's it. It's like you're expecting for something else to happen, never does.

ricky: Yeah. Well I was um, with er, Danny Baker yesterday.

steve: Oh yeah?

ricky: Oh he's- brilliant bloke.

steve: Great guy.

ricky: First time I'd met him, and we got on like a house on fire.

steve: Put your num- 'is number straight in your mobile.

ricky: Well we exchanged numbers, 'cause he's got some great anecdot-

steve: You had to delete mine, 'cause you-

ricky: No I might, I might write with him, 'cause he's, he's funny, and he did this thing, and it was absolutely brilliant, he's doing a, he wrote er, a documentary, and er, he's a great guy. He's f- he's funny as well, y'know what I mean?

steve: Showb- it's this, I tell you what it is, it's the showbiz friendship, that's what I loathe I think.

steve: It's the fact that like, somehow, you're sort of, you, because, it's like you haven't gotta go through the formalities of making friends with someone, 'cause they, 'well I respect your work, you respect mine, you know I'm a funny guy, you've seen my work, let's be friends,' 'yeah course,' and it's like, um, it's a horrible kind of, icky, sort of-

ricky: Listen, Steve, me and you are gonna stay in touch whatever.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: So, I mean, not- and not, probably not my birthday this year, but next year, we'd have known each other what, seven, eight years?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So, come to that one.

steve: Yeah yeah yeah, yeah.

ricky: Er, well come, I tell you wha-

steve: Do I need to wear the waiter's outfit again?

ricky: Oh God, oh dear...

ricky: 'P.I.M.P.' by 50 Cent, or 'Fiddy Cent', as I... call him. Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, you're Steve Merchant, there's little Karl Pilkingbod, over there. Alright?

karl: Alright? Yeah, not bad, not bad. Listen, erm...

ricky: Oh. He's perked up.

steve: Yep.

ricky: Oh he's back in the area. What, you got summat to say?

karl: No I just- just kept quiet in the first hour, let you get on with it-

ricky: What've you got to say, just, having a guess, is it about monkeys, Chinese people or little gay fellas?

karl: It's about... it's about little gay fellas.

ricky: Is it?

steve: Course it is...

ricky: Go on.

karl: Yeah but, not because...

steve: Sorry, just making a tally, lemme just note that down.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No no, but it fascinates me, doesn't it, all stuff like that, that's a bit sorta different and that.

ricky: Yeah, like monkeys and Chinese people?

karl: Well, and that thing you were showing me before, the half-woman, half-

ricky: No you weren'- you weren't impressed with that.

karl: Well no-

ricky: Y'know that woman that's got two pieces of genetic make-up in here where it was two um, two separate sperms and two separate eggs, um, fused, and she came out as, sort of, a normal person but she had this residue of genetic material, and so she's had two children that aren't genetically the same as her.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right? And they showed it in the paper by doing her half white and half black to show the two, y'know what I mean, just for, when- 'does she look like that?' I said 'of course not,' he went 'not interested then.'

steve: Course, yeah.

ricky: He said 'how could I tell?' Not interested in that at all. If I'd had said she'd given birth to a monkey- fascinated, straight away.

karl: Well anyway...

ricky: Go on.

karl: But that's what I'm saying, I'm just interested in weird stuff. Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Erm, tal-

ricky: So am I. That's why you're on the show.

karl: Talking about little gay fellas and that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Er-

ricky: 'Little gay fellas...'

karl: Er, Northern Line, the underground tube thing-

ricky: Not the- not the boy band.

karl: Erm, apparently, on a er, on a Saturday night, late, I dunno what that is, what time late is in the sorta gay community, as we've discussed before, but apparently, the last carriage on the Northern Line, they all- they all get in there.

steve: What do you mean they all get in there?

karl: They sort of take over the last carriage of the Northern Line on a Saturday night.

steve: Right.

karl: And it's like the gay- the gay carriage.

steve: Right. And what exactly do they do, they just travel about on the Northern Line.

karl: Dunno, just have a chat and that, and like, er, just, y'know-

steve: Stick on The Communards.

ricky: How d-- how do you know?

karl: Someone told me.

steve: See this, I mean I'm glad you've informed me because, it wouldn't bother me, but I feel I should be told about these things, 'cause I'm likely to stumble onto that carriage by mistake, and I'm not- it's not that it'd be a problem, it's just I might feel a little uncomfortable if there's a lot of people in, y'know, the black- the black leather gear and the moustaches, the hats.

ricky: I mean, to be quite honest, they'd be annoyed.

steve: Course.

ricky: 'Cause they'd be expecting something a little bit... y'know...

steve: What do you mean?

ricky: Well...

karl: They're good looking, most of them.

steve: Sure.

karl: No they are good looking fellas though aren't they?

steve: What do you mean?

ricky: What d'you mean?

karl: Well they just, they- a lot of the gay- y'know, they look after themselves and that, and look good, keep themselves...

ricky: Some of them work out, yeah.

karl: Yeah.

steve: See this is the problem I have, 'cause there's a lot of areas in London, and elsewhere in the country, where there's a sort of g- y'know, it's a gay thing, y'know, it's a gay public toilet, or- I don't mean it's gay, but it's not like a legal thing...

ricky: You mean it's a cottage.

steve: But it's a cottage or whatever, I mean I remember being, um, in Bristol once-

ricky: It could confuse him, I said it's a cottage, that's a term for where gay people go in toilets to sort of... meet 'n' greet... eachother.

steve: But I, I er-

ricky: Shake hands.

steve: I was at er, the public library in Bristol once, doing some studies for my Sixth Form, and erm, I think the toilet was closed in the library, and I was dying for the toilet, and I popped out and there was a public toilet behind the library, I thought 'I can't believe my luck,' dashed down there, it was about 6-ish in the evening, I was working late, I was studying hard; I went in there, and I swear to God, I saw two fellas. With the-

ricky: Is that, is that unusual, or?

steve: Well no, they were up to some hijinks.

ricky: What, they were sort of like-

steve: D'you know the thing that struck me?

ricky: What?

steve: One of them had bright red underpants.

ricky: What do you mean, you saw- what he had his trous-

steve: They were actually doing, y'know, having some kind of, y'know... they were having relations. They weren't even in a cubicle, they were out in the...

ricky: Wh- where were the underpants?

steve: Well round his ankles.

ricky: No!

steve: Yes! I swear to God, I'm not gonna make this up!

ricky: What, how old were ya?

steve: I don't know, like, how old you are in the Sixth Form, 16 or whatever, 17...

ricky: Yeah, and what did you do?

steve: Well I actually said-

ricky: What, you just joined in, what else can you do? You might as well, y'know...

steve: I actually swore, I said 'oh eff me!' And then I went 'oh no don't!'

steve: I did, I swear to God! I did! I went 'oh eff me! no don't!' 'Cause I was panicked, and I ran out. And as I was, as I was walking out a guy was coming in, I went 'ooh, 'ang on mate,' and then I thought I better not tell him, I'll let him find out for himself, he might be going in there to join in, he might've got a call, 'come down, we're having- we're going crazy on each others' ass. Come down...'

ricky: This conspiracy of Bristol conspiracy...

steve: But what annoyed me, what annoyed me wa-

ricky: ’Alright me lover, want a bit of cock?’

steve: What angered me Rick was er, was the fact that I wasn't notified, that there was not, I didn't know that there was-

ricky: There was no sign.

steve: And afterwards I spoke to other people about it and they said, 'Oh it's a famous gay haunt', but what annoys me is I feel that they should put an ad in the local press, a big paper like once a week, like you know when they recall cars if they're damaged or there's a fault, or Currys might bring back stuff if there's faulty goods, they say 'recall them, we'll give your money back.'

ricky: What do you suggest?

steve: They should put an ad in, the gay community should put an advert in that says 'These are the hotspots, this is where you're likely to find us doing some stuff, if your not gay and you might feel uncomfortable, avoid them,' and just list them, or little pictures, or, y'know a map, or something, anything, 'cause like the gay tube thing, I don't know-

ricky: Cock fun? 123 Railway Cuttings.

steve: Well not that, it's more of a kind of, more of a sort of social awareness thing.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So people would, you know, don't feel uncomfortable and...

ricky: But they don't want it exactly to be like, sort of walking under a neon sign.

steve: But why, it's, it's legal-

ricky: Yeah, big arrows... oh, as if!

steve: What do you mean? What's wrong with that?

ricky: Because... well it's actually a public place, I don't think it, I don't think cottaging is strictly legal.

steve: Well I don't know they ins and outs of it, they don't even have to specify what they were going to do.

ricky: But some people, some people, not, some of them aren't, I don't think it's probably scene-gays is it?

steve: But they advertise G.A.Y.

ricky: Yeah, but it's not, yeah but it's not the people that go out and they say 'I'm gay, and I like Barbara Streisand,' it's, presumably the sort of people who do that, are people that either aren't quite out yet or, do you know what I mean? Or, they're doing, having a quick one on the way to their wife and kids.

steve: Yeah...

ricky: I don't know, I don't know the, completely how it works, but I'm sure there probably isn't a place like um, 'Free bumming! Here tonight.'

karl: No, but there is kind of.

ricky: What?

karl: Because I was walking home one night through Soho, right? Erm, just 'cause that's the way I have to go, not cos I choo- d'you know what I mean, I wasn't going to there for a, and that, right?

ricky: So nervous isn't he?

karl: So I'm walking through and erm, I was handed like a card which was like a gay event, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Now that's a bit weird innit, that straight away he's presuming that because I'm there, that time of night...

ricky: Well, and you've got a shaved head, and you sorta like, you know, you're sort of like quite, look after yourself, and you got some nice clothes.

karl: Yeah, but still, you can't presume-

ricky: Look like a bit of rough, don't you, from Manchester, you look like a northern rent boy who comes down to stand outside McDonalds, and-

karl: But the card was rubbish right...

ricky: What d'you mean?

karl: Had this fella on it, right, all sort of greased up and that-

ricky: Why'd you look?

karl: Just havin' a look what he'd handed me and that.

ricky: Right.

karl: Just havin' a look. Err, picture of him, sort of sailor's hat on, tanned body, like, just his arse out like that.

karl: And err, rubbish slogan right. ‘The best bum, in W1’

ricky: Is bum there a noun, or like a verb?

karl: What'd'ya mean?

ricky: Well, er, 'to bum', is it like, 'Get the best bum, you've ever had' or 'he had the best bum'?

karl: I think it's just like-

steve: I don't suppose you asked.

steve: I don't suppose he called the number to check.

steve: ’What do you mean exactly by this, does it mean you've got a great arse?’

ricky: ’Does it mean I'll be well bummed, or does it mean you've just got a good-’

karl: Alright alright, come on now.

ricky: What?!

steve: Can I just make a final point about, 'cause I asked my friend how it all works up on the Heath, cos I live in Hampstead Heath, so near Hampstead, and I was worried, I didn't want to go walking and get involved, get myself involved in any-

ricky: How can you 'get involved'?

steve: No, again, I didn't want to walk by...

ricky: Sort of like, like ‘Ooh you wouldn't believe it, I couldn't say no; oh my wrist, it's knackered,’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Well I was there for about 2 hours, must've gone through about 43 of them, but you know, I didn't like to say no! Because they were just, they were so please to see me!’

ricky: Ohh God...

steve: Well it wasn't so much the fear of that, it's not, it's not-

ricky: 'Good skiing practice, I was doing two at the same time for a little while.'

steve: It's not the fear of that so much as the fact that again, you don't want to gatecrash someone else's party, you don't, do you know what I mean?

ricky: No...

steve: You don't, if someone, if there was a straight couple having sex, you'd want, 'Ooh, I'm sorry,' and you'd wanna avoid that area.

ricky: Yeah, course.

steve: But I just find, so someone told me, and someone told me that, how it works, and apparently you just go and sit on a bench or something, and then another guy just sits on the bench, and they just look at each other, there's not really anything said, it's just a kinda nice evening or whatever, you know, I guess it's like 2 in the morning or whatever, and then they go off into the bushes and ding dong. But it's like I don't know how that culture's developed.

ricky: This is, I love this program now-

steve: But why can't that be the case with women!?

steve: That would be amazing, you'd just go out to the park at about 1 in the morning, you just sit on a bench, just-

ricky: It's like a scene from Gigi.

steve: Exactly!

ricky: Yeah, just walking along with the perambulator.

steve: Y-yeah, exactly, but that would just be a joy if there was none of this formality, you've gotta talk to 'em, buy 'em dinner...

ricky: Arr you're joking!

steve: Y'know? 'Romance...'

ricky: Oh no...

steve: Just this kind of informal thing, it would be great.

ricky: So what, what, what would you do then, you'd go up to a woman and go 'Come on...'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: 'Let's, let's stop mucking around.'

steve: 'We know why we're both sat on this bench.'

ricky: 'There's err, there's a nice, a nice bush over there.'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: 'Let's have a bit.'

steve: Yeah, and then she'd go 'yeah, great, thanks, I'm, you know, I'm killing some time before I, you know, pop into town.'

ricky: Yeah

steve: 'That'd be perfect, thanks. You make my weekend.'

ricky: So you're jealous of gays as well as me?

steve: In a sense, in a way.

ricky: What do you think Karl?

karl: Let's put a track on.

ricky: Why? You getting scared now?

steve: You bought it up.

ricky: Is it getting too close to the bone, so to speak?

ricky: Radiohead, and There There on Xfm, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

steve: I was talking to my Dad the other day, he was saying, he lives in Bristol, my family live in Bristol and so they can't really listen to the show, and erm he said 'I was thinking of buying your grandparents a digital radio for christmas'.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: 'So they can listen to err, listen to your show'. Imagine them listening to that last link! And then me seeing them at Christmas 'Steve! You never told us you saw 2 blokes bummin’.

ricky: Yeah and then 'w-what's that about you jacking off 30 men?'.

steve: Ha exactly.

ricky: 'You gotta say no lad. I know you're a nice fella but just cos they want relief, your not the man for it.

steve: Oh dear, they must be so proud.

ricky: Yeah heh.

steve: Rockbusters.

karl: Yeah they'll'd be lovin' this right?

karl: Err 3 clues where err first one 'If you go to Chepstow, you will' right? the initial was 'S', that was Seahorses. Alright? That was the answer there.

ricky: I'll give you that.

steve: Fair enough.

ricky: I'll give you that.

karl: Errrmm 'E.T's upset, what's wrong with E.T? what's, what's wrong with him?'

ricky: Yep, alright.

karl: Initials M.E, what's up with him, he was Missy Elliot. Alright? Elliot's.

ricky: Doesn't count at all.

steve: He was what?

ricky: Doesn't count at all.

karl: Missy Elliot, d'you know what I mean, what's up with, what's wrong E.T?

steve: Well what is up with him.

ricky: Well, just let him explain it, sorry Karl, do it again alright, I wasn't listening.

karl: Elliot yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Who's in E.T.

ricky: Yeah just do the clue again, just.

karl: Alright, E.T's upset, what's he's looking a bit sad and that what's what's up with him?

ricky: What E.T the extra-terrestrial?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah go-on.

karl: Right and his mate.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Who's in it is called Elliot.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, he's upset what's up with him, well he's he's Missy Elliot.

ricky: Missy Elliot, what's she got to do with it though? I don't understand.

karl: No, it, the way you'd say it, say 'What's up E.T?' and it'd go 'oh Missy Elliot'.

ricky: Why would he mention her? I don't understand, was she in the, was it a thing in the film.

karl: Missin'!

ricky: She wasn't even around then.

steve: OH Oh Missing!

ricky: Oh Missing Elliot oh oh.

steve: That makes sense Karl but I mean she's not called Missing Elliot.

ricky: No hold on but this is meant to be about Rockstars though.

karl: Cryptic, that's what I always say.

ricky: Missy missing Elliot isn't a, sorry this is meant to be about Rockstars isn't it though.

karl: Yeah it's just cryptic though innit, cryptic clues and.

ricky: Oh oh no that's no Cryptic! That's shiiiiittt, you ffff.

karl: Right the third one, errr. I had err tape, and it 'ad err 'umpty dumpty on it err.

ricky: Haha I love it when he says ‘‘umpty dumpty'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Umpty Dumpty.

karl: 'ickory dickory dock and that err, but but the tape's err broke.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: That was B.R, Busta Rhymes.

steve: Say that again I dozed off.

ricky: That's, sorry I don't understand, what d'you mean?

karl: Oarr, 'oo who's the winner Steve?

ricky: No no I, no do you mean Busted?

karl: Well it's kinda like that.

karl: Cryptic.

ricky: No no it's not no, crypic doesn't mean change it so it's no the same.

karl: Steve who's the winner? We got loads of right answers so.

steve: It's interesting, this e-mails written erm.

karl: Weird that innit?

steve: It flashes up 'suspected spam', you know spam is that stuff that gets sent around the internet.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And it flashes that up if it thinks it's err gonna be a spam e-mail, and everytime it comes in with the Rockbusters answer it says suspected spam.

steve: In a sense, in a way, erm let's err let's give it to err Katherine Jakeways from err Hackney, she's err got those answers.

ricky: Rubbish, absolute.

steve: Right.

ricky: Rubbish, you know talking about erm your parents listening, Karl was in Heat this week, and err they mentioned that he does this thing on Sky, what is it?.

karl: Err,the it's this thing with Richard Bacon, some program about watching telly, and you just talk about what you're watching.

steve: M-hmm.

ricky: And he was annoyed, cos he said his parents might listen and that, and so he's not doing it, he's not gonna turn up cos they Heat, mentioned it in Heat.

steve: And so his parents might watch?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Why're you worried about that?

karl: I don't like them watching stuff do I, told you, dates back to when I did Little Donkey, at school, and I don't want people watching me.

ricky: What s'hah, just renew us on Little Donkey, what happened?

karl: It was just, you know, I was there to play the drums and that err, in We Three Kings, err was lovin' it, you know, got a bit carried away.

ricky: How old were yer?

karl: Pfft, 'bout 13?

ricky: Y-really?

karl: Probably.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: 'bout 10, no about 10 probably.

ricky: Yeah, go on.

karl: Six.

ricky: Pft, Jesus! 6 wha- how old were yer! What school were you at?!

karl: Errr.

steve: Ha, ok you were playing Little Donkey.

karl: So and err.

ricky: No! No no no, you must.

karl: It was one of them school everyone sort of was in the same one, d'you know what I mean.

steve: Oh a Manchester school.

ricky: Hahaha! What do you mean?

steve: Just the one classroom.

karl: Well it's like you.

ricky: What? Sweeping chimneys in the day and then one hour of learnin’.

steve: Hehe yeah.

ricky: What are you talking about, what school were you at? was it infants junior or secondary?

karl: They didn't really do that.

ricky and steve: What do you mean.

ricky: They still have to abide by the law of the land in Manchester!

karl: No, but it, it was a lot more, like like you 'ad infants, but you also had like the older lot, there's kids there who, when you're in the younger year and that, you'd see kids and you'd go.

ricky: Talk, talk English and use terms that people do when they're talking about schooling.

karl: I don't even want to talk about this.

ricky: No, how old were you, what ohh.

karl: I'm thinking, guessing maybe 6 or 7 or 8.

ricky: So you went from 13, to 6?

karl: Yeah, but like I say it's hard to remember because.

steve: Imagine if you were giving evidence in a trial.

ricky: Yeah ha. 'How old were yer?' 'I dunno, coulda been err, dunno.'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: 'Can't really narrow it down other than seven years either way.

steve: You know theoretically.

ricky: Yep.

steve: He could get called up for jury duty service.

karl: Orrr.

steve: Right you're on...

ricky: White Stripes, Hardest Button to Button on Xfm, that's a frightening thought that you came up with before the break.

steve: Karl on jury service.

ricky: Karl could be responsible for someone's, rest of their life.

steve: Yeah, cos jury service, that applies to anyone, anyone can get sent the form, I think you're obliged to go unless you have a really decent reason not to.

ricky: Imagine if it was a really really important trial.

steve: But what annoys me is, that isn't it supposed to be you're tried by twelve of your peers.

ricky: Good men and true.

steve: Twelve good men and true.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Good men and true.

ricky: And women of course, these days.

steve: The only thing I can hope is that the defence attorney weedle out Karl at an early stage.

ricky: Oh yeah objection, 'I object.'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Why?

steve: I object, have you heard of something called Rockbusters?

ricky: Pfftheheh yeah 'Well sorry you can't just object on that errm.' Ok then what if I tell you my client standing trial is a little gay Chinese fella, and here are some of the tapes'

steve: Yeah.

ricky: 'From Xfm'...What would you do?.

steve: Because he's prejudice.

karl: So how does it work then?

steve: How does what work?.

ricky: What do you mean? You just get called up and you have to do, do jury service, unless you've got a very good reason.

steve: And it's not, 'I normally have Monday's off'.

ricky: Ha yeah yeah. Ooh you wouldn't like that oooh, you have to get there at nine o'clock.

steve: Or I've got to prepare Monkey News.

ricky: Ye-ah yeah, ooh you couldn't stand it.

karl: Just wouldn't do it, I wouldn't. I… I…

ricky: What would you say?

karl: Say 'Argh pft, don't don't get me involved', cos I got involved once.

ricky: Pfthaha, don't get me involved!

karl: No.

steve: What do you mean you got involved once.

karl: Well, with the police and that when I lived in Manchester and saw a bit of car crime going on.

steve: Right.

karl: And I got involved, it, hassle, tellin' you.

steve: How did you get involved? Did you phone the police?

karl: Yeah, Yeah.

steve: Snitch.

karl: Cos I thought well, I know well that's just it, but I thought I'd hope somebody did it with my car.

ricky: Grass.

karl: Well.

steve: Yeah.

karl: So err and it's just a hassle, loads of phone calls.

ricky: Canary.

karl: And, I had to stand on a balcony in this you know tower block that I lived in, police shouting up at me and I'm stood there with me underpants on, right, and what it was, a car had been robbed right, so I call up this, call up the err Police and that right, said 'Right, listen, errm, car's been robbed' and they said 'Where is it' I said 'I dunno, just across the road from where I live', right. So I tell them where I live.

steve: Where do you live, how old were you 13?

karl: So she's, she's askin' loads of questions and that, I'm saying 'Look, whilst you're asking all of this they're actually getting away soo, you know we'll leave it' and she's like 'No, err, we'll track it down blah blah blah'. So I said 'Well look I work nights,'

ricky: What could you see, you could see some lads.

karl: I could see some lads, just pushing a car.

steve: Pushing a car?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's how they steal cars in Manchester is it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Everywhere else in the country, they're getting in, they're driving them away.

ricky: In the South yeah they're driving them away. Usually sort of like start the engine.

ricky: Can get away a lot faster. What do the police do? Push their panda car after them? ‘Come on lads, don't cheat don't get in the car.’ They’re just pushing it.

steve: Exactly

karl: It was late at night and that...

ricky: Oh ok.

karl: And you don’t wanna start the engine.

ricky: Of course, gonna wake people up knowing you're nicking cars. Course you don’t. No, no.

karl: Alright? So...an’ I…

ricky: Late at night? Hold on. They weren’t gay, they weren’t gay were they? They were out late really? Come on Karl, so what happened?

karl: So..Anyway I said, look ‘Don't call back I’m going to bed. Alright. I got work in a bit.’

ricky: Brilliant

karl: So ummm.. so that was that

ricky: Where were you working?

karl: Next thing, right, the phone's going, Uh, ‘Hello, it’s the police again.’ ‘I said I told you not to call me.’

ricky: Ha, I told you not to call me at home

karl: They said ‘Right, the police are outside, can you go on your balcony?’ It's like sigh. So I’m ten stories up, right? So I’m stood on the balcony with like me underpants on. Alright?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And the police are saying where's the car. And I’m saying I don't know they've gone down that road now. So I’m trying to point to ‘em. They're shouting up saying ‘Which road?’ and all that. And I just thought, why did I get involved?

steve: Yeah.

karl: I don't think they found it, it was hassle.

ricky: What the blokes were pushing it too fast? They were in the next street by now weren’t they?

karl: Just don't get involved. Don’t get… after that…

ricky: Imagine him being on some sort of trial where there's like some sort of mob affair.

steve: Yeah, gangland murder

ricky: Imagine him going into the Witness Protection.

ricky: The police just explaining to him, ‘Your new name is Jeffery Peters.’

steve: ’Why can't I be called Bruce Wayne?’

ricky: ’Well, no. Mr. Pilkington listen.’ Imagine that. Do you know what Witness Protection is?

karl: No, go on.

steve: Amazing.

ricky: Look, its when, supposing you were to give evidence against... the mafia. Alright? You’ve done a job for them and you have to give evidence against them. Right?

karl: Well alright, if you're gonna do… all I did was two kids nickin’ a car. Don't start messin’ with mafia.

ricky: No listen... of course, no. Imagine you were in the mafia and you got caught doing something, but instead of going to prison for the rest of your life you said ‘Oh, well I can give you Mr. Big.’ Yeah? And they go ‘Ok, give us Mr. Big and we'll let you off alright?’ So the police go ‘Right, ok…’

steve: I got handed this leaflet in Soho

ricky: So, you say ‘I’ll give ya names.’ They’ll go ‘Will you give evidence in court?’ You’ll go ‘Yeah.’ They go ‘Right we'll have to get you away because you'll be done for. So you'll give us the names of Mr. Big, alright? We'll give ya a new ID, a new passport, we'll let you go live in Canada for the rest of your life with Suzanne.’ Right?

karl: So why have I got to do all that?

steve: Because they'll bump you off won't they!

karl: How will they know it was me?

ricky: Because you got to give evidence in court. So they go ‘Oh, Pilkington squealed.’

karl: So you got to change all your life. They've killed someone, yeah?

ricky: Well look, your giving them in to keep you from going to jail. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in prison because you were involved in sommat or saw sommat or whatever. It ...

karl: How…

ricky: It doesn't matter! Karl! Listen!

karl: How would the mafia know that I’ve said something?

ricky: Because you say in court those are the people. He's Mr. big he's Mr.-So-and-so he ordered the hit.

ricky: Don’t you know anything!?

karl: It's a lot of messin’ around though innit. So I’ve got to leave this job yeah?

ricky: Yeah, I think they might try Xfm first.

karl: I’d have to what? I’d have to bin Suzanne? Would I?

ricky: No, she could go and live with ya.

steve: You have to tie off all ties with your friends and family. You can’t contact them. You’d have to leave them behind.

karl: Would she have to change her haircut?

steve: Possibly.

karl: When did the murder happen?

steve: Haha, yeah. What would be your new identity be? What would you choose for yourself?

ricky: What name?

karl: Probably uh... uh... I wanted to be called Bret when I was a kid.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Alright? Bret what?

steve: Bret Pilkington

karl: Uh, you've got to change your surname yeah?

ricky: Buuheehyeeeeah.Yeah, yeah. Maybe go ex-directory.

steve: Where would you move to?

karl: Uhhh, probably uh, probably back up north.

ricky: No, no, don't do that. Don't do that. Can I suggest maybe Bret Hanson? And go live in Australia or Canada maybe, maybe where they're not operating and they just… forget it.

steve: You might have to change your identity as well. You might have to grow your hair, well you can’t grow your hair. Maybe wear a wig or a mustache.

ricky: What would you do? What would you wear?

karl: So like an afro or something?

steve: Something like that.

ricky: That would be brilliant. That would be absolutely brilliant.

karl: And I got to do all that just because for 5 minutes I stood in a court thing and said ‘He's the one who did it.’

steve: Yes.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well... why can't why can't I just wear the afro and the glasses when I’m in the court, say ‘Me name's Bret.’ Alright? Change me voice a bit. ‘He did it.’ They go ‘Thanks very much.’ I go off. I carry on with me life. I still come in here on Saturday.

ricky: That is genius.

steve: I don’t know why they never thought of that.

ricky: Why don't they do that? So I’ll go to the court as Bret Hanson with an afro and I’ll talk like that. And then when I come out I’m back to Karl Pilkington, still talking like that, but without the afro. That is perfect. Why don't you call the FBI and say ‘Listen, I can save you billions of dollars a year.’ You're a genius Karl.

karl: Alright?

steve: Well done.

ricky: Bret should I say?

ricky: Don't Look Back into the Sun, Libertines, on Xfm. I’m excited Steve. It's that time. Its' that time of the week.

steve: Go on.

ricky: Well… Karl’s in a little film.

steve: Oh that's what you're excited about.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Sorry, I thought you meant maybe the show's almost over.

ricky: Yeah, no! Come on then Karl.

karl: Alright, so uh yeah, so I’m in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Took a scene from it.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Gotta listen carefully and that. At the end there'll be a question on like the clip that you just heard and stuff like what their doing the [unintelligible] and stuff. So did you wanna read out the prizes or just a taste of…

steve: Uh yeah, it’s a couple rock and roll albums, umm, we got the League of Gentlemen…

ricky: Why is it called One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?

steve: I can't remember, I think it's explained in the book. I don't remember.

ricky: If someone knows just a quick e-mail would do. I’d like to know that.

steve: [email protected], you can win yourself, if you get the question right, The League of Gentlemen Series 3. We've got that rock and roll legends again, the best of Blondie, a nature program and the Old Grey Whistle Test Volume 3

ricky: Brilliant. So its well worth…

steve: So if you're over 50 you'll enjoy that.

ricky: Yep.

karl: And just uh, if you haven't seen the film it’s just about, like a…uh, what would you call it?

ricky: Well it’s a guy, this guy thinks he's going to get away with prison by going into a mental institution. There was this new experiment, but he finds out he can't get out and he's sorta trapped and… well people know it, everyone knows it.

steve: Just play it.

ricky: Just play it.

karl: Well I saw it last week, so…

steve: Just play…

karl: Alright.

dean r. brooks as dr. john spivey: Well you know I’ve, um, been observing you here now for the last 4 weeks and I don't see any evidence of mental illness at all.

karl: Yeah, I know I’m not mental. I never said I was. I mean alright, Igot, I got an E in history but that isn't why I’m in here, I’m in here because I had to get away from the outside world.It’s doing me head in. I’ve been working too hard. I’m stressed out. I’ve been working like load of hours Monday through Friday. I’ve been working on a Saturday with Ricky and Steve, right? That's been doing me head in. People think that's a laugh when it isn’t.

jack nicholson as randle patrick mcmurphy: Busy right now, are you? You got something to do right now?

karl: Well… this is why I’m here today doctor because he's doing my head in.

spivey: What do you mean sir?

karl: Well he's doing me head in. I came here to get away from Ricky, he's just as bad.

mcmurphy: Well I’m smarter than him ain't I?

karl: You're an idiot, right.

mcmurphy: Ah we’re just, we’re friends.

karl: No, we’re not friends. And if you were a friend you wouldn't be doing that to me head.

spivey: How do you mean that?

karl: Well don't…

mcmurphy: Come on I’ll show ya.

mcmurphy: Yes, yes.

karl: Look what you've done! Get him off me! Get him…

mcmurphy: Now if we can just hold it right there. Alright.

karl: Will you get… get off! Doctor, will you tell him!

doctor: McMurphy.

mcmurphy: Don't hurt you, does it?

karl: Course it does.

mcmurphy: That’s it hold on to it. Not too hard you'll crush all the air out of it.

karl: Normally… get off! Normally he does it harder than that.

mcmurphy: No, it’s warming up, warm it up, warm it up.

karl: Would somebody help?!

karl: Get off!

karl: See what I mean doctor? That's what he's doing every day. The state of this. I don't know why you do it, it's not like you’re going to crack it open.

mcmurphy: I tried, didn't I? God dammit. Least I did that.

ricky: I love it, the effort.

steve: Yeah, it’s almost, I wonder if it’s a strange premonition of the future.

karl: Yeah.

steve: You in some kind of home.

karl: Alright, well uh…

ricky: What’s the question?

karl: Question then. What result did I get in history?

ricky: Good.

karl: Alright.

steve: Yeah, well uh, tricky one. [email protected]

karl: Or text, will we take text?

steve: I can't really be bothered to check the text.

karl: Alright then, e-mail.

steve: Thanks for that Rick.

ricky: Sneezy.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Alright, I’ll play a…

steve: Pernice Brothers. It’s a lovely tune from their album um, what’s it called, Yours, Mine and Ours. ‘Blinded by the Stars’

steve: ’Blinded by the Stars’ from the Pernice Brothers. We've a couple of texts because I occasionally do look at them.

ricky: Go on.

steve: We got one here complaining. Doesn't say who it’s from. It just says, ‘Wow. Really clever homophobic material. Genius. Switching off. Idiots.’ I don't know what they mean. It was not clever homophobic material, it was just homophobic.

ricky: Well, what do they mean though?

steve: But how is it homophobic? We weren't being anti-gay. We were saying we don't understand the gay world. We were querying and questioning it.

ricky: And yeah, and Karl, see this is what I mean. Karl gets us into trouble. I can't go through Chinatown anymore.

steve: No.

ricky: Not really a town though is it?

steve: Not really a town. It’s more of a novelty street.

ricky: Novelty street with restaurants… But I can't, you know. When we sort of like talk, we get tarred with the same brush as him because the man's an idiot. We often say that. We are not homophobic. I don't think Karl's homophobic. He's confused, he's interested. He’s got nothing against Chinese people. He's got a little theory that they don't age well. And these are the sort of things that come across… I mean, they’re not meant to be homophobic and racist. They're showing that Karl, I don't know the PC term for this, is a bit mental.

steve: Yes.

ricky: I think we are doing our bit by letting him on…

steve: On the air.

ricky: …on the air, as well. Like that complaint he got about that woman on, um, what's it called, Who Are You Looking At. Cuz he said about… I don't even want to repeat it, but he said sommat you know…

karl: But I never meant to upset anyone with that.

ricky: No I know you didn't, no I know you didn't. No, but I… it’s on a website now. But to be fair she does say it was Karl who said it and we were the idiot presenters that let him on air. But it's like Karl is, bad for our reputation.

steve: Yes.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? It’s funny to be in the room with him, but then I sort of want to shake it off.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And I don't know what to do about it.

steve: Guilty by association.

ricky: I know. What you got to say about it for all the stuff you come out with? What have you got to say? I mean I know the answer. It’s absolutely from the heart and genuine…

steve: Ignorance.

ricky: And confusion and interest. You haven't got a malicious bone in your body.

steve: Well.

ricky: Well.

steve: Towards me he has, but yeah, other people.

ricky: But again, he's just honest with you he's says...

steve: Well don't repeat what he says, don't repeat it. Just leave it.

ricky: But it’s not as bad as some of these… but you know he says, remember what you say when you first met him, he looked a bit odd but you got used to it.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Now that's from the heart. That's like him sorta being honest and nice, but he doesn't know what that... And we can take it of course.

steve: Well.

ricky: What have you got to say for yourself?

karl: I haven't got anything to say really.

steve: That doesn’t surprise.

karl: There's been other weird stuff going on in the week and that.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Uhhh, might as well talk about it next week, cuz we’re wrapping up. All I’m saying I talk about what's gone on.

steve: Yeah, have we got Monkey News? Have we left Monkey News behind?

ricky: Monkey News! Come on!

steve: What happened?

ricky: You can't offend monkeys!

karl: I’ll tell ya what is annoying. Steve’s told me about a film about monkey going off with a woman.

ricky: The Charlotte Rampling thing where she takes…

steve: It’s called Max, Mon Amour. Yeah, she has an affair with a monkey. Go on.

karl: What happened?

steve: Don’t go into… we can’t go into it.

ricky: You wouldn't like it, he wouldn't like it, you wouldn't like it. It’s not like… it's weird… and it... you wouldn't ... Kar,l it's not like a nature program where he wears and bowler hat and can talk. The nature programs you seem to see.

steve: Yeah, I’m trying to think if I’ve see that one.

ricky: No, yeah Come on. Do Monkey News.

karl: Alright, Monkey News for this week…

steve: Play the jingle.

ricky: Oh chimpanzee that monkey news! Ya ffff!

karl: Right, it’s about this monkey that was knocking about in the 1950s.

ricky: Right.

karl: Um just uh, known in the sort of, LA area. Alright. And apparently um, again I haven't really checked all this out, I’ve just kept the bits that looked interesting.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Um, wore a golden mask, and like a cape and uh, a leopard skin belt and stuff, right? So people didn't know that he was monkey.

steve: Course they didn't, no, yeah.

karl: It just, they just thought it was this bloke who's going around helping out crime situations and stuff.

ricky: Right you're an idiot. So one, this disguise, you see a 3 foot 6 bloke with arms the length of his body.

karl: No, but that's the funny thing right. They knew, they sort of thought it’s a bit odd, you know. He's stocky yet extremely flexible.

ricky: Yeah... and hairy because he only wore a white mask and a belt.

karl: And a distinctive jaw line and stuff, and then uh…

ricky: Right.

karl: Apparently he used to sort of get to his…

ricky: Nothing we say gets through does it. You’ve decided you can picture this monkey going around solving crimes and its…

karl: I’m just telling you.

steve: Let him finish his story. Time’s running out.

ricky: Jesus.

karl: So it sort of gets to its crime by sort of swinging from trees and stuff, alright?

steve: Course it would.

karl: People just thought it’s a normal fella.

ricky: Course.

karl: Then what happened was…

ricky: This is the bit that's going to annoy me, isn’t it?

karl: He helped some fellas out, like you know, and for a reward they were like ‘Do you want some money? You've helped save our lives during a crime and stuff. Do you want some money and that?’ And he just went straight for that shopping bags, got a couple of bananas and apples, alright? And as he was bent down looking into the bag getting the bananas and apples they pulled his mask off. Little monkey.

steve: So he wasn't allowed to work for the police anymore.

karl: It ended there.

steve: Sure.

karl: Weird innit?

steve: Rick can I tell you the meaning of ‘one flew over the cuckoo's nest’?

ricky: Yep.

steve: Can we never speak of monkey news again?

ricky: Yep.

steve: It comes apparently from an American children's nursery rhyme.One, two, three, four, five, six, sevenAll good children go to heavenSome fly east, some fly west

ricky and steve: Some fly over the cuckoo's nest.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: And thanks to Ian for e-mailing that. And shall I give someone the prizes?

ricky: Yep.

steve: Phil Colbert, there you are. It’s the first one I pulled out. He correctly guessed it was ‘E’. It was an E that Karl got in history. The only qualification he’s got, and it’s an E.

karl: You know that woman?

steve: Judge the monkey news based on that.

ricky: Go on.

karl: That woman who went out with a monkey.

steve: What?

ricky: It's a film.

steve: It's a film.

ricky: It was Charlotte Rampling… in the film. I don't know who played the monkey.

karl: Did she have any kids?

ricky: What with the monkey? In the film?

karl: Yeah, I’m just thinking if I’m gonna get it out and stuff…

ricky: No.

karl: Oh.

ricky: Why?

steve: Oh, cuz that would've been interesting.

karl: Well no. It’s just that the problem there is the kids would always look more like their dad.

steve: See you next week.

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