XFM Vault - S03E04 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Molly’s Chambers, Kings of Leon on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. And, uh, England the world champions again, so.

steve: Oh, it’s brilliant.

ricky: It was amazing, wasn’t it? See, I’m not a rugby man at all. I never watch rugby. I think the last time we got one I think it was about 12 years ago or whenever it was. And I got into last week cuz I realized we were doing so well. I’ll watch England win anything.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I don’t care what… in fact; I wasn’t into war when I was little until I realized we are so bloody good at it.

steve: We are good at it.

ricky: You know it’s brilliant, but oh yeah fantastic.

steve: Yeah it was great.

ricky: Alright that’s the rugby thing over what next? That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. That’s all I had today.

steve: It does seem, sometimes I watch it and it does remind me of when I played rugby, cuz one of them will boot it down the field and someone will catch it and boot it straight back again.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Which is essentially how we played rugby.

ricky: I was made to play rugby, we had to play rugby, and I don’t think, I’d get rid of the ball so quickly, I don’t think I ever got tackled or fell over.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I think I touched the ball about 20 times in the two years it was compulsory.

steve: Yeah yeah yeah.

ricky: I was terrified.

steve: Yeah, absolutely.

ricky: Same as cricket, I-I-I-I’m a terrible batsman, I’m alright at bowling. But it seemed like the pastime for people I went to school with was to injure you.

steve: Yes.

ricky: It was funny to see someone paralyzed. It was funny to see someone get a cricket ball in the head.

steve: Absolutely, yeah.

ricky: You know.

steve: I never relaxed into rugby because the first day I was going to play it my mum I swear to god my mother said, ‘You’re playing rugby today. You got the kit and everything. Um enjoy it. Be careful. There was a kid at my school who got, um who broke his neck.’

steve: Yeah so, thanks very much for that.

ricky: ‘Cheers mum, see ya later.’

steve: So I just went to school absolutely petrified.

ricky: ‘Mum one thing, broken neck, is that – do you get better in a couple days?’ ‘Ooh-hoho. Nooooo. Nononono. Enjoy the game though.’

steve: Yeah, no, it was. It was absolutely – I was just petrified from that point on.

ricky: See at least American football, you know. Helmets.

steve: Padding and the helmets.

ricky: Yeah, but uh. Anyway no injuries, thank god.

steve: Thank goodness.

ricky: Uh so uh.

steve: Well I tried to uh, tried to play rugby – it’s awkward when you got glasses.

steve: I don’t know there’s something about-

ricky: You didn’t really play with your glasses on?

steve: Yeah of course- I couldn’t see anything could I? I couldn’t see anything. How else was I going to play?

ricky: Oh my god and you-

steve: So you’re bound to be cautious cuz inevitably you’re at bit more cautious when you’ve got glass next to your face.

ricky: You were the tallest person on the pitch as well.

steve: Yeah

ricky: I mean you were a lank- when you were 14 you were probably six foot already weren't ya?

steve: Yeah yeah.

ricky: And everyone else was about 5’2’.

steve: Yeah yeah yeah.

ricky: So you were…

steve: Towering above them.

ricky: And with glasses on.

steve: Just with the glasses on.

ricky: And you’ve got pretty cool glasses now, you’ve had a bit of a make over, it’s like Trinny and Suzanna said, ‘First thing to go are the glasses.’

steve: Yeah sort them out

ricky: Yeah, presumably you used to have those National Health sort of 'bottle'.

steve: Pretty much

ricky: Is it true, you’ve never been able to mosh at a concert?

steve: I tried to mosh. Cuz I’ve always watched people stage diving, moshing at concerts. I always thought like that looks brilliant. Cuz you know when they’re, they’re, um when they ride above everyone’s heads.

ricky: Like a wave, like they’re surfing across the, yeah. Amazing.

steve: And everyone’s like ‘Yeah!’ and I’ve always wanted to do that because I’m a big rock music fan. And the only time I did mosh was at Rage Against the Machine

ricky: But but.

steve: I tried to mosh at Rage Against the Machine.

ricky: But I love the idea of a band called Rage Against the Machine aimed at a man with glasses who won’t mosh.

steve: Well it was at Reading Festival and I think the lead singer I forget his name, he went um ‘Can I just remind everyone that racism and fascisism [sic], um and fascism are on the rise in Europe again, let’s not let it happen again.’

ricky: What’d you do?

steve: And we all cheered. If there’s one thing that guarantees a cheer at Reading Festival it’s ‘Down with Fascism.’

ricky: And what did they do about it after the concert?

steve: Pretty much went back-

ricky: Went home and cup of tea? Yeah, sure sure.

steve: -I don’t know what they got up to after-

ricky: They didn’t go to Europe then and start-

steve: Don’t think they got involved politically in Europe. I think they just continued to rage.

ricky: Against the Machine?

steve: Yeah but largely in America I think.

ricky: Sure sure.

steve: But I tried to mosh, and I got moshing. And um glasses flew off.

steve: And I went, I went – I remember because they were playing away – ‘eht you I won’t do what you tell me’ ah – and I went, I was just going ‘Careful! I just… I’ve dropped my glasses! Can we just… can we be careful?!’

ricky: Loads of kids in hooded tops just going mental.

steve: Yeah and they’re all jumping up and down… ‘Can we just calm down for a second?’

ricky: ‘Let’s not be silly!’

steve: Yeah it was just absurd. I had to kinda you know, scrabble around on the floor and thankfully they were ok, they didn’t get broken.

ricky: So what couldn’t you do then?

steve: What do you mean ‘what couldn’t I do’?

ricky: Well, at school? Can you not, can you not see without glasses?

steve: No.

ricky: I mean what it’s like your, you couldn’t do anything?

steve: It’s a blur.

ricky: Really?

steve: It’s a blur, definitely.

ricky: God.

steve: It’s like being kind of a punch-drunk. So yeah. You can’t play sports when you, you know, when you’ve got glasses.

ricky: But why not contact lenses? Cuz they’re not strong enough?

steve: Nah I just- they seemed a bit fiddly

ricky: Oh brilliant! Bit of Lou Reed?

karl: Is that what you want?

ricky: Yeah, Satellite of Love, classic, a retro cut.

ricky: Lou Reed with a little help from David Bowie there in the background. Satellite of Love on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Now Steve, you know how Karl won’t do anything outside his jurisdiction. He moans about stuff.

steve: Whinges.

ricky: He’s got one job, but we’re doing about five things in the week. And we just turn up and he’s always available. He moans about it ‘Oh, it’s lucky you caught me.’ He’s not- he’s chatting. He just whinges. He’s one of those people that, uh whinges enough and people think he’s overworked. So he got Mondays off right. He’s not- he’s just a whinger.

karl: I haven’t got Mondays off though have I?

ricky: Yeah well, anyway. Two hours on a Saturday. Uh, this is what the phone message he left me Wednesday, on my mobile. Right uh, he’s just chattin’ about certain things that are going on at the moment. What else do you need to know? Oh Duncan, who he mentions, is my agent. And you know- you’ll understand a few other things. But this is the sort of message I get from Karl, alright? Whinger.

automated voice: Old messages.

karl: Alright. Ten past 12. Wednesday. Umm. Just getting’ loads of [bleep] people calling me all the time about [bleep]. Yesterday DVD signing for BBC London. I don’t work there but I’ve been dragged into that. I’ve got a woman on, uh leaving a message from Talk PR going on about… ‘do you want to go and see Pop Idol again?’ Alright. Just saying uh, you, and some listeners can go. I’m sure you’ll love that. I've got Jim Benoit wanting you to introduce the Tin Buckets at the Astoria. So can you just like let Duncan know that I’m doing his job while he’s sat on his arse with his thumb firmly up his arse. Can you let him know I’m running about like a [bleep] sortin’ [bleep] out for you. Alright? See ya later.

automated voice: Message-

ricky: So, do you know what I mean?

steve: I know, but that’s the kind of phone message he’s leaving. Do you remember who he was before you started working here.

ricky: But but he’s even annoyed that he gets a phone call. I remember he got a phone call for you to do a voice over. He didn’t pass it on and you missed a voice over. That was thousands of pounds.

karl: No, I did, I did pass it on though I told ya a woman had-

steve: You didn’t. You said someone had phoned. That’s not good enough.

ricky: But who’s that?

karl: S-she didn’t say and I did ask-

ricky: Course she said!

karl: She didn’t say.

steve: Rubbish.

ricky: So you didn’t take the number down? She just went ‘Oh can you tell Steve to call me.’ and you went ‘Yep.’

karl: Yeah well, I just thought you’d know her already. I should of known it was a woman. So… I should of known.

ricky: He’s having a go, you see!

steve: Unbelievable. Now it’s come back on me! You’re the one who was picking on him!

ricky: Yeah exactly. I’m saying- I’m defending- Why’s he having a go at you because-

steve: He never picks on Ricky because he knows you are his bread and butter.

steve: Seriously. Do you know what I mean? The only reason he’s got Mondays off is because you’re still doing this show.

ricky: Yep yep.

steve: That’s why he scared of you, he has a go at you on the phone but he always picks on me because he knows that, you know, I’m a pushover, I’m a nice guy. He’s scared of you. I can’t believe- I don’t know how it works.

ricky: Is that true?

karl: Steve I’m always sortin’ you out I look after you.

karl: Sorted you out with tickets. Sorted you lager out.

ricky: W-w-w-w-what do you mean you sorted him out with tickets and lager? What’s this?

karl: Right whenever you want tickets…

ricky: Yep

steve: Yeah sure-

karl: I don’t want to use this as like, moaning time. Cuz I don’t like to moan, I’m busy and that right?

karl: I’ve sorted you out tickets for gigs.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Some he doesn’t even turn up to.

karl: Yeah, we won’t even go on about that. Alright? Lager.

ricky: You sorted him out with The Cure, he complained it was boring.

karl: Yea. There was that big drum of lager that you had and you said ‘Oh put that in your room for me cuz I don’t want to carry it home.’ Right?

ricky: Lazy.

karl: So I said ‘Oh alright. Then I’ll put it in me room.’ It goes missing. It gets nicked. Then you have a go at me because it got nicked.

ricky: Yea.

karl: I get you another one. You make me carry it around town with you for a half hour then you say ‘Oh I can’t be bothered taking it home. Can you take it back to work for me?’

ricky: Yea.

steve: But interestingly this is a year ago. So it still, still festers on you.

karl: Oh hang on. I forget the one where we had an argument over 50p. Went out for coffee-

steve: Yeah you didn’t want to give me the 50p back that you owed me.

ricky: That was the same day you’d given him about 40 quids worth of lager.

steve: But see, this is my problem, this is my point at the time. It’s not, the 50p in terms of money is not what’s important. The fact that you think you don’t have to give me money back because it’s only 50p, that was the point at stake. It’s me who makes the decision ‘Oh don’t worry about the 50p’ not you, ‘It’s only 50p I’m not gonna give it to ya.’ You know what I mean? There’s got to be rules. Otherwise it’s chaos, Karl. Come on, mate. Alright?

karl: I don’t want to fall out about it.

steve: Should we kiss and make up?

karl: It’s alright.

ricky: Should we play a little record and come back to this cuz…

steve: I can’t believe it started with you slaggin’ him off, Rick and I’ve ended up-

ricky: I know.

steve: -as the monster.

ricky: I know.

karl: Bit of R.E.M?

ricky: Yeayeayeayea.

ricky: R.E.M. and Animal. Animal. Singular. Animals would be… R.E.M. and their animallllssss.

steve: What are you talking about?

ricky: I’m just thinking, I’m wondering if there’s any video for Animal-s. And Animal.

steve: What?

ricky: On a DVD. An Animals DVD.

steve: Eh? What are you talking about?

ricky: I’m just saying, if R.E.M. there, just a link. R.E.M. Animal-s. On DVD would be… I’ve got an Animals DVD out.

steve: You’ve got an Animals DVD.

ricky: Yea, my live stand-up’s out. Buy it. HMV and Virgin.

steve: I don’t think you should-

ricky: Well no, I’m just saying-

steve: I don’t think you should plug your stand-up.

ricky: No, I’m not plugging it, it came up in con- Animals from R.E.M. came up.

steve: Well I don’t think you should plug your DVD.

ricky: Well, buy it now. It’s a really good stand-up DVD and it’s out.

steve: If you’re going to buy anything, I, if- I ought to balance this out really. If you’re going to buy any DVD you should buy The Office Series 2-

ricky: No.

steve: -because I get money for that.

ricky: That’s been on telly. Animals. See ah, mmm. Animals hasn’t been on telly, The Office has been on telly. I just, ooo, hmmm, bored with it.

steve: But I don’t get any money for the Animals DVD.

ricky: Yeah, that’s what I mean. I get everything from Animals where I’ve got to share The Office royalties with you and some of the actors. Where as I get the whole, lion’s share- lion’s an animal- lion’s share of Animals. It’s all mine, you see.

steve: Hmmm

ricky: So buy-

steve: The truth of it is, it’s not- it’s just stand up and it’s not great.

ricky: Nor is my acting or writing. Nor is my acting or writing.

steve: It’s a bit weak, a lot of the observations are quite broad.

ricky: No, no no no no.

steve: You’re a great actor.

ricky: I’m rubbish in The Office. One trick pony. I just touch me tie, and I uh, looked at the camera. Bored with that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Animals. Whole new side.

steve: Yeah. But frankly you’ve been doing-

ricky: 15 quid.

steve: You’ve been doing so much publicity on TV that if, you know, if people have seen it all, they’ll have seen all the best clips.

ricky: No- uh yeah.

steve: There’s only a couple of decent gags.

ricky: It’s only really the dance and you get that on a jpeg-

steve: A lot of other great stuff on there.

ricky: Don’t buy the Office.

steve: Some other great stuff on there.

ricky: No, Phoenix Nights better than The Office. So buy Phoenix Nights don’t buy the Office. Ok?

steve: Well.

ricky: Ok, let’s get on with it. That’s that. You- alright what else has happened?

steve: You probably heard most the stand-up observations on this show, so.

ricky: Right, so what have you got for us? Available in HMV. Go on.

steve: Well, uh annoyed. Um. Oh, Office.

steve: I uh, I was walking uh, away from the show last week. I was walking on Berry Street. I like to look at the records. And I was on my mobile phone and I was chatting to someone. And uh, what can only be described as a prostitute.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Stood on the street corner.

ricky: Was she a woman that gives you sex for money.

steve: Yes.

ricky: That is a prostitute.

steve: Yes, that’s what I thought.

ricky: Go on.

steve: And as I was walking by she said ‘You wanna buy sex?’

steve: Now my-

ricky: You sure it wasn’t a market trader giving six plums away or sommat?

steve: No it was definitely-

ricky: ‘Six for a quid?’ Yeah. Go on. Yeah.

steve: And what annoyed me about it. What- I wanted to pick her up on something was I was on my mobile phone.

steve: It’s like, can you imagine, who would like- what, am I going to hang up? ‘Sorry mum, can I call you back? You know you say you want me to meet more women…’

ricky: ‘And you know you sent me that 30 quid for my birthday?’

steve: Exactly, yeah. ‘Sorry, Mr. Johnston. I’m really excited about the job. Can I call you back? I’m just going to negotiate with a whore.’

ricky: Good.

steve: It was like- you could tell she was clearly probably desperate for crack or her latest fix of smack. So she was literally- the normal etiquette of prostitution, you know they hang around, they show some thigh. I’ve seen this in films.

ricky: They woo ya.

steve: Exactly, yeah.

ricky: Yeah yeah yeah.

steve: Take you for a meal that sort of thing.

ricky: Yeah I know.

steve: That sort of had gone out the window and she was there desperate running around the streets.

ricky: Did she go out of a window? Because that’s another thing they sometimes do, specialist ones.

steve: Cuz I’ve never been propositioned before.

ricky: Really?

steve: In London. Yeah.

ricky: That’s weird isn’t it? Karl, thoughts?

karl: I, I think you’d be sort of approached a lot. Because they tend to sort of go for people who look like they haven’t got much chance.

steve: Sure.

karl: And I’m not being mean. You know that-

steve: No nono no no.

ricky: Sorry. I’ll let you go back- In what way aren’t you being mean by saying that Steve-

karl: No, Steve knows he’s a little bit odd lookin’.

ricky: I don’t think-!

karl: No, he does.

ricky: No no, yeah but no. It’s not what he thinks of his looks.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: It’s what he thinks of you talking about his looks, on – go on.

karl: No, it’s like we were talking about before, your eyes are bad. It’s nature’s little way of saying like ‘Look. Nothing to see here.’ Alright?

ricky: I don’t get that!

steve: I don’t know what you mean.

karl: Well when you look in the mirror and that, they’ve gone ‘Look, he’s hasn’t got the looks. Let’s make his eyes bad. Alright. Nothing to see here.’

steve: Yeah

karl: That’s what I’m saying. Balancin’ it out.

steve: Yeah.

karl: And it’s funny, right. Now we’re on the topic. I wasn’t-

steve: Sorry, Johnny Depp.

ricky: Ha! I am gonna! My chest is gonna burst at this moment because-

steve: Whenever we get on this conversation, I always think to myself, ‘Karl, do you know what you look like?’

ricky: I- I am gonna burst!

steve: You know seriously, can I be honest with you? You look like- you know if you got like a balloon, a hot air balloon right? Just a little balloon, like a party balloon. If you drew a little face on it, right? And inflated it about halfway, that’s what you look like.

karl: Right.

steve: So. Play a record I don’t wanna get into this. It’s too intense.

karl: Listen. Listen, now you’ve got onto this let’s just nip it in the bud now. I’ll tell ya something that I wasn’t gonna tell ya cuz I think-

steve: I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t wanna hear it.

karl: Well, right. I was on the tube, right? Well, I wasn’t. Someone told me they were on the tube, right? And um, it, the tube pulled into the station. And one of the women saw the poster that’s out at the moment with you and Ricky on it. So this one woman apparently goes uh, ‘Oh look there’s uh, Ricky. Ricky’s on the radio.’ Alright? And uh, the other woman goes ‘Oh yeah, don’t you listen to it?’ ‘No I didn’t know he was on radio.’ And she goes ‘Oh!’

ricky: Sorry Steve!

karl: ‘Oh look at that, look at that person he’s with.’ And she goes ‘Yeah yeah yeah yeah, that’s Steve.’ She said ‘I’m kind of, I was sort of aware that he looked odd because Karl mentions it on the radio.’

steve: Yeah.

karl: ‘So it wasn’t as much of a blow to me. But I can see how it was a bit of a shock to you.’

steve: Yeah

karl: So.

ricky: I-

karl: That’s weird innit?

steve: Yeah.

karl: And that isn’t me, sort of telling this woman to say anything. That was all happened without anybody else sort of bringing it on.

steve: Yeah. Yeah yeah.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

karl: So.

ricky: Was it- sorry, you seem to be relishing this. Was it the little balloon story that made you-

karl: Honestly Steve I wouldn’t have told you but if you’re gonna start, you know, having a pop.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

karl: D’y’know what I mean, I can’t just sit here, and, take it and that.

steve: Sure. No. No.

ricky: I mean … we’re all mates.

steve: Yeah. Just um …

ricky: W—I mean – I was mistaken for Johnny Vegas. Steve’s got a story about that, if you wanna, have a go at me –

steve: Well, you, someone just thought you were a fat man with a beard, which is true.

ricky: Well don’t have a go at me ‘cause he said you looked –

steve: Well, you started it.

ricky: No I didn’t! No,

steve: Yeah you did.

ricky: No I didn’t!

steve: You were milkin’ it. You were eggin’ him on.

ricky: I was laughing,

steve: You were eggin’ him on!

ricky: I sorta was.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But, let’s not … you know …

steve: Oooh. It’s a good job you got lots of goodm ates like Jonathan Ross you can go hang out with. And don’t need other friends, people who’ve helped you in your CAREER.

ricky: He’s – he’s a good lookin’ bloke, innhe, Jonathan Ross?

karl: He’s a good lookin’ fella.

ricky: Play a record.

ricky: Out of Time, by Blur. Lucky we’re not out of time – got another hour twenty-five to go.

steve: He-hee!

ricky: So it’s not over yet, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, and Karl Pilkington.

steve: We’ve had quite a lot of emails, as ever, Rick.

ricky: It’s a much-listened-to show!

steve: I should just say, we’re very lazy people, and we rarely reply, or read out the emails, but

ricky: I never read the emails,

steve: Absolutely never read them

ricky: So I rely on, if I haven’t replied to something, all my mail, Steve opens my mail and reads my emails, so if I haven’t replied, it’s just ‘cause he hasn’t passed it on to me.

steve: Yeah

ricky: OK.

steve: Um .. but I haven’t passed it on to you ‘cause I know you’ll never reply.

ricky: Sure.

steve: I’m just cuttin’ out … But listen to this, just want to say, thanks for the emails. We do read some of ‘em and we appreciate the fact people send in jokes and ..

ricky: Oh, I appreciate it! I love it.

steve: Ho! But, uh,

ricky: Just as long as I don’t have to do anything towards it.

steve: Sure. We got an email from Jack saying he missed the last two week’s shows, has he missed anything?

ricky: Not really.

steve: No.

ricky: No, it’s the same stuff,

steve: Same old rubbish.

ricky: I think Karl, last week Karl was havin’ a go at uh – Chinese people not agin’ well, he had a go at the gays, and, he came up with a ludicrous story about a monkey that was impossible.

steve: Yeah, he …

ricky: So I don’t think Jack’s missed much!

steve: No, no.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Uh, we’ve just had an email from the Pringles people.

ricky: Oh, they uh, right. Good. Because it’s finally started to happen. I hear these stories about people gettin’ given cars, and Armani suits, and trips abroad, and we haven’t had no- but finally, people are starting to, you know, realize what we’re doing, our impact on society,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And we got a whole box of Pringles sent to us. Not one of those little tubes! The proper tubes – the footlong tubs.

ricky: So – what, what did they say?

steve: Well the Pringles said-

ricky: They want ‘em back?

steve: No, no, they’ve said they like the show, and if you want more Pringles, give ‘em a call, and they’ll send you –

ricky: I want more Pringles. I bloody love Pringles.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Pringles are grea—the thing about Pringles is, um, they, they’re moreish, right, but I’m, how would I put it, you know the, the sort of thing, when you open, when I open them,

steve: Yeah,

ricky: And by that, I – when I pop,

steve: Right.

ricky: I have to, well, OK, how can I put this … when I pop, I can’t stop.

steve: What’d’ya mean? I don’t—

ricky: Well, when I pop, when I pop them open, I can’t stop eating them –

steve: Right, when you pop you can’t stop.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah. I think that’s ‘cause of the chemicals.

steve: I think that might be the reason.

ricky: But they’re good---

steve: They’re good chemicals. They’re the best chemicals.

ricky: Pringle chemicals --

steve: They’re not bad chemicals, like you’d use in chemical war.

ricky: -- are lovely. So YES, I want some more Pringles. What else did they --

steve: So more, more Pringles. It’s interesting, actually, that you were sayin’, that other people, you know, like Kylie I’d imagine would be given sort of, maybe sexy underwear, Robbie Williams might get the Armani suits, you get sent the crisps.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Which seems appropriate. Yeah.

ricky: But it’s nice to be sent anything, innit.

steve: I um,

ricky: Go on.

steve: Talkin’ of Pringles, I was on the Finchley Road tube station, on my way in –

ricky: There are a lot of Pringles, there ---

steve: Well, I’ll tell you a job that I don’t like,

ricky: What?

steve: I wouldn’t want be doing, the, the woman, there’s a little woman, who’s sits in a little snack, stall, on the Finchley Road tube station,

ricky: Yeah,

steve: And, I don’t know how to describe it really, she is surrounded by snacks. She can’t move for snacks. It’s like --

ricky: Is it like American Beauty, but with, with uh, different –

steve: Not dissimilar to that, it’s a little hut, on the station,

steve: And it’s like, if you go to the seaside, you can put your head thru one of those those cardboard cut-outs and it looks like you’re a big fat person or whatever,

ricky: Yeah,

steve: And you can have your photo taken. It’s like an equivalent of that, but it’s just snacks, everywhere. She’s got bananas up to her chin,

steve: She’s got chocolate, comin’ up to her eyes,

steve: Crisps on the side of her, she can’t move! She can’t do 360 degrees! She’s like packed in there, I don’t think, I don’t know how she gets in there, of a morning -

ricky: I think they put her in there first, and they’re ‘OK, pour in the bananas –‘

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ‘Pour in the nuts,’ and they just -

steve: She has 2 hours of makeup before,

ricky: Yeah, exactly.

steve: They’re dressin’ her in there. ‘Cause I’ll ask for somethin’ from the fridge and she cannot turn her head to see. She has to go by feel alone, just feel the fridge.

steve: And get stuff out and pass it,

steve: And often I’ll say ‘That’s not what I wanted,’ but she can’t, you’ve got to let her off – it’s extraordinary! But there’s no music playing, nothing—

ricky: Does she have to sell her way out of it?

steve: Exactly!

ricky: I mean, if it’s a slow day, she’s stuck there till the next day!

steve: Yeah! It’s like a world-breaking attempt.

ricky: Yeah. Oh, dear! That’s Finchley Road, so if you –

steve: Yeah! If you’re on Finchley Road, or just wanna pop down there, have a look at the Snack Woman, ‘cause it is, uh,

ricky: How does she get refills though?

steve: I dunno how it works. I dunno how she goes to the toilet, or eats, I don’t know what she does.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But uh, God bless her.

ricky: So that’s one of the jobs you wouldn’t have.

steve: That’s jobs I would not like. Yeah.

ricky: I’ve always worried about workin’ in one of those big photocopying places.

steve: Sure.

ricky: ‘Cause, that’s constant taste of toner.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Y’know’w’I mean, it’s just so dry, and, just imagine goin’ to work with a hangover, 8 hours in that sort of –

steve: It’s those jobs where, what’s the best that can happen? That day, the photocopyin’ shop,

steve: I mean, what’s the best that --

ricky: Well – they would have interesting things, like they, you know, people goin’ and photocopyin’ –

steve: Porn – porno mags.

ricky: ‘Can I have 30 copies of my arse? I couldn’t make it to the staff party –‘

steve: Yeah, yeah

ricky: ‘I was wonderin’ if I could do that in here. ‘ Yeah. Karl, what job wouldn’t you want to do. Well, any job. You’re a lazy fff-

karl: You’re jokin’ aren’t ya. I’ve done loads of stuff. This -- I’m, I’m quite happy now, doin’ what I’m doin’.

ricky: Yeah. You look happy.

steve: You sound happy.

ricky: Yeah, calm down. You on drugs? Are you on E?

karl: I’m all right! We’ve won an’ that. I’m happy for them, happy for them.

ricky: Yeah. What’d’ya mean, happy for them? We are England. Happy for US. Yeah. I mean we didn’t play, I did very little towards it. It was mainly Johnny Wilkinson!

steve: No, that should be – switchin’ on the TV was about as much as I did –

ricky: Exactly! And shoutin’ COME ON!

karl: Talkin’ about jobs an’ that, though, I was readin’ the other day, about rubbish jobs people have

ricky: I haven’t got time. I just get on with it. I’m like Squiddly Diddly, fingers in pies, different jobs, go on.

karl: Um, d’ya’ know – Ivor the Terrible?

ricky: Ivan.

karl: He uh –

ricky: Yeah – this Russian – yeah, that was the Welsh fella! Who was, who was bloody awful, but not as bad as his Russian cousin, Ivan. Go on.

karl: He uh – he had a fella doin’ some work for him, right, this fella built his house, uh, after he was done, right, the Terrible fella was like –

ricky: Terrible fella, Ivan.

karl: He’s going, ‘Aw, it’s briliant. You’ve done a … good job there.’

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ‘I don’t want you to build another one like that.’ Took his eyes out. Stopped him makin’ an house, like that.

steve: Blimey!

karl: That’s bad, innit.

ricky: Why – why didn’t he take away his trowel? Then he coulda seen, but he couldn’ta built a house, without – without a trowel. You can’t build a house without a trowel.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: I mean, you’d think –

steve: I --- I suppose he prob’ly later thought that. Once he’d been nicknamed Ivan the Terrible.

ricky: Yeah, yeah –

steve: He’d go ‘Why? Why?’ ‘’Cause you gouge people’s eyes out!’

ricky: ‘Yeah, but I don’t want you buildin’ another house!’

steve: ‘I know, but –‘

ricky: ‘Take his trowel away! What will happen then? Ivan the Crafty, at most! Ivan the jealous, you know, Ivan the spoiled brat, but – ‘

ricky: ‘But gouge someone’s eyes – that is bloody terrible! I’m surprised you’re not called Ivan the C--- D’ya’ know what I mean?’

steve: Yeah! You’re gonna go down in history like with Vlad the Impaler!

ricky: Yeah!

steve: He’s mostly known for impaling people!

ricky: Yeah! He did a of other stuff,

steve: Yeah, he did a load of great charity work, he did – it’s not remembered!

ricky: Impaling is the thing, that’s, really,

steve: Yeah!

ricky: Gone down in history!

ricky: When were you readin’ about Ivan the Terrible? Or Ivor the Terrible, as the, the thing you remembered from this, uh, imformative article.

karl: No, no, it was just little, bits like that, talkin’ about him, there was a thing about, someone who worked for that, that fella who painted the ceiling –

ricky: Sistine Chapel.

karl: Yeah. Yeah … a woman who worked for him, in his house. And um …

ricky: I LOVE how you assimilate information, when it’s just bordering on the academic, or just the interesting and true. It’s wonderful! Iva the Terrible, gouged someone’s eyes out which built him a house. That fella who painted that ceiling,

ricky: Had a woman work for him. Imagine if you wrote that down on an essay! Imagine if you wrote that in a school essay!

steve: Well, you’d probably end up with not, not getting’ a grade!

ricky: Or, or thinkin’ you’d turned up to more than you had!

steve: Anyway – the woman who lived with –

ricky: Yeah. Go on, the woman who lived in a shoe.

karl: Yeah, there was this woman who, who lived with him. And uh… she’d right, go out and do all the shoppin’ an’ that,

steve: Yeah.

karl: Um … because she couldn’t read or write, he used to have to draw everything he wanted.

steve: Why couldn’t he just tell ‘er?

ricky: No – wait. That’s an excellent point. Could she talk?

karl: Yeah, but if it’s a big list an’ that, loads of different colored paints and stuff,

steve: Well why couldn’t she draw, draw on a piece of paper, why’d have have to do it?

karl: ‘Cause he’s a better drawer, innhe?

steve: That’s the point! That’s it! We were just lookin’ for the logic in the story, and you found it!

ricky: Play a record

ricky: He’s a better drawer!

ricky: I Don’t Owe You Anything, by the Smiths. On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl: over to you. This is the, uh, the time where we play, well, the world-famous quiz, innit?

karl: Rockbusters, innit.

ricky: Yeah. Which is .. Blockbusters, but with music! See ya later!

karl: Cryptic clues and that, do ya wanna say, Steve –

ricky: Not really, not really cryptic, but go on.

steve: We got a number of DVDs to give away, uh, including some, uh, Teachers DVDs, we got a bunch of CDs here, and also Ricky Gervais’s live stand-up DVD —

ricky: Animals! Brilliant!

steve: Which is not good at all, I really would not encourage people to buy that. It is –

ricky: Well ..

steve: -- Weak observations poorly performed.

steve: I would recommend The Office series 2 on DVD, that’s still available.

ricky: Rubbish in that. I’m awful in that. You can actually see me forgettin’ some of my lines.

steve: That’s true.

ricky: Go on.

karl: All right then. So, cryptic clues, um, an example, might be new, I reckon people will be stayin’ in today ‘cause it’s rainin’ an’ that, so, might not’ve heard it before. So, like, uh,

ricky: Or they have, and they’re not listening.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Yep. Well, whatever.

ricky: Oh – oh, gave up on that one, didja?

karl: Thr-Three –

steve: Well give us an example of the sort of thing.

karl: Uh, that, that, uh –

ricky: Jesus.

steve: All right, maybe don’t.

ricky: ‘Nnuhh, nnuhh, nuuuhhhh … I’m a broadcaster … nnnuuhhhh’

steve: Yeah, ‘Words are my tool’.

ricky: Go on.

karl: All right, forget that.

ricky: Come on, baldie!

karl: Right – 3, 3 clues then. Here’s the first one. It’s a band. Or an artist.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Right? I’m goin’ to the Northeast. What you goin’ there for?

steve: Good point! Good question.

karl: All right?

ricky: Yeah. Coulda been ‘Why you goin’ to the Northwest’, that’s a different matter. Go on.

karl: You’re goin’ to the Northeast, what you goin’ there for?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: All right, S, is the initial. So it’s a band or an artist, whose, who starts with an S. And that’s the clue. Right. Second one, uh, Oh, yeah, she’s uh, she’s related to the man in the lamp! All right? That’s G. All right? She’s related to the man in the lamp. All right? And the third one is, uhh, the Jamaican fella would love to live there, but it’s a little bit pricey.

ricky: Oh, God. I feel an accent coming on.

steve: That’s one where you’re gonna have to think about it, with the accent.

ricky: I imagine.

karl: Initials there, D.S. D.S. for that one. Right? So the Jamaican fella would love to live, live there, but, y’know, bit dear and that. Bit pricey. So, uh,

steve: So give us ‘em again, quickly.

karl: Right. The first one, I’m goin’ to the Northeast. What you goin’ there for? That’s S. She’s related to the man in the lamp, you know. That’s G.

ricky: Changes with it.

karl: And the, Jamaican fella would love to live there, but, little bit pricey. And that’s D.S.

ricky: OK.

karl: So uh, email in or text an’ that.

steve: [email protected], what’s the text?

karl: Or text 83Xfm, uhh… yeah. So that’s that.

steve: Win tons of prizes.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: All right? Play some ads?

ricky and steve: Yeah.

ricky: Steve, is there anything wrong with a bit of old fashioned rock ‘n roll? Yes or no?

steve: I do not believe so.

ricky: Well then there’s Jet, Roll Over DJ on Xfm 104.9.

steve: Who are you?

ricky: Ricky Gervais. Who are you?

steve: Steve Merchant.

ricky: Who’s that little bald Manc, whinging twat over there?

steve: Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Yeah, surely.

karl: All right?

ricky: ‘All right?’ Ohh .. go on.

steve: Now, Rick, as you know, there’s always junk lying around in this, uh, studio, and not all of it is Rockbusters prizes.

steve: Um, and there’s uh, I’ve just been flippin’ thru –

ricky: No. Some of it’s the playlist.

steve: Yeah, exactly.

steve: And, um, I was, uh, just flippin’ thru and old copy of the Guardian Guide, from last week,

ricky: Sure.

steve: You know the little listings there of –

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And you know, I don’t know if people might’ve seen it, we did a, there was a documentary on about the transfer of British sitcoms to America,

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And, uh, we did an interview for that, ‘cause they’re remaking the show, over in the States. And I’m just flickin’ thru and I notice there’s a little write-up about it here, and it says uh, dududududuh blah blah blah, it says, quoting me, it says, ‘‘We don’t care if David Brent becomes a woman’, burbles Steve Merchant, eyes bulging with imagined riches’.

steve: I’m like, No – my eyes bulge normally! That’s not me being greedy, that’s just me!

ricky: Well, you know that thing I did, when I sort of like rub my fingers together and do that sort of stupid, Brent, people take that seriously.

steve: I know! I know!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It’s extraordinary.

ricky: Well some people got it, but I think it was in the paper the next day, someone said, uh, ‘Gervais’ mannerisms could’ve been transferred as, uh, dollar signs’. Well I was doin’ it sarcastically. I was doin’ it like that, I was pretendin’ that I just cared about the money. So –

steve: Yeah! Yeah yeah.

ricky: Irony, see, people say Americans don’t get irony. Most people here don’t get irony.

steve: Absolutely right.

ricky: That’s why they think this show’s rubbish.

steve: Yeah! I know!

ricky: We’ve fooled ‘em!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We’ve had the last laugh! We think it’s really good.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Karl: come on. That – that was, let’s do some news. Let’s have some proper, radio. Have you – all – all your news comes from Ananova, doesn’t it?

karl: That’s for -

steve: What would Dr. Fox do about now, at two o’clock? He’d do some amusing news ..

ricky: It’s comin’ up for 2, and here is the news with Karl PIlkington.

karl: Well like I said, it’s just, just headlines an’ that. I don’t bother readin’ on, if I like – from the headlines, you get the story -

ricky: No point! And it’s all from Ananova, not from a newspaper, or,

karl: It’s not made up or anything. These are real headlines, so,

ricky: OK, then, let’s see. Let’s see, OK, imagine Trevor McDonald doin’ this, it’s uh,

steve: These are real news headlines.

ricky: OK then. Well, they’re real, they’re real to Karl. OK, here we go. And here is the news with Karl Pilkington. BONG.

karl: Man Hid-- Man Hid in Wardrobe to Avoid Work.

ricky: Yeah? Good. BONG.

karl: Teenager Gets Stuck in Washing Machine

ricky: BONG.

karl: Dutch Man Has Two Right Feet

ricky: BONG.

karl: Cow Hit By Train Lands on Farmer’s Wife

ricky: That is the real news, to you, innit!

steve: That is brilliant!

steve: That’s great!

ricky: Ohh, I just think of the cow flying thru the air!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And the wife’s going, ‘Oh, no’.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Oh, dear. Dutch Man Has Two Right Feet?

karl: Yeah. He’s, uh, havin’ some operation or somethin’,

ricky: What, they put the wrong foot on ‘im?

karl: He’s got 2 right or something.

ricky: Well maybe it was only the right foot that was available.

karl: Good dancer.

ricky: Yeah. Oh dear.

karl: Wh, what else?

ricky: Well, in real news, I was, um, I followed that thing with, who’s that fella who got into the palace when Bush was there?

steve: Right, an undercover journalist.

ricky: The journalist, yeah. Um, I mean, it would’ve been a problem, if he was a terrorist. But, it’s sort of like,

steve: Mm.

ricky: And I mean, as the palace said, you know, all our tests, are to expose terrorists, not journalists.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: I – I -I just think, it was no big deal, really.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Much bigger deal for the Journalists rather than anyone else, well ok all the journalists in the world can pop up, as long as, as long as no terrorists get in.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We're alright.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yep. ‘A bloke just got through’ ‘Terrorist?’ ‘No, an ice-cream seller’.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's alright then.

steve: ’Who's that there waiting on hands and fingers, I can't believe it, it's Baz Bamigboye, from the Daily Mail’.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ’And I think that's Gary Bushell’ ‘That's fine’.

ricky: ’That's fine, don't worry about it’.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But erm, it's just that he, all he did wrong though was just lied on his CV.

steve: Well I think he did he.

ricky: But everyone lies on their CV.

steve: Of course, everyone gives references.

ricky: I don't think, I don't think I've ever done a CV. I've done one once, when I was at ULU, and I was an events manager, I applied for a job at Radio 1, for events manager, didn't even get an interview.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So I just stopped the CV lark.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Now I just, you know.

steve: The one knock-back, and that was it.

ricky: Exactly, no yeah, so err.

steve: You've lied on your CV have you Karl?

karl: Yeah loads.

steve: Yeah?

karl: It's just errm.

ricky: It's like someone from Little Britain, ‘Yeah I know, yeah loads’. Yeah go on. Come on, it's radio, come on.

karl: There was one when err, there was a job going at Granada, in fact this isn't even lying, and I still didn't get the job. Right.

ricky: Go on, well you don't get a job just cos you don't lie, it's not ‘Have you lied?’ ‘No’ ‘You've got the job’.

karl: No but, there was a, they ask you loads of stuff don't they that you think, well that's got nothing to do with the job, I don't know why you're bothering me, asking me certain stuff right.

steve: Qualifications things like that yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But, well it was languages.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right.

steve: What did it say?

karl: It just said err ‘you know, put your name, put your address, languages’ Right? And erm.

ricky: What er-yeah, you don't speak any other languages do yer?

karl: Well I just put ‘English - quite good’.

ricky: You didn't!

karl: No I did, honestly ask Suzanne.

ricky: I think you told me this before, did you really put English quite good?

karl: Yeah, honest to god, didn't get, din't hear back.

ricky: Well you know what they meant now, you know what the, know what your error was don't you?

karl: Err.

ricky: Are you fluent in French, German, Chinese.

karl: Yeah but I didn't want them to think I've got loads of big words and that, d'you know what I mean?

ricky: What?

karl: Well I don't use loads of big words and stuff.

ricky: No they meant.

karl: There's no point.

ricky: Do you speak any other languages?

steve: It's any other languages Karl, not the one, your native language.

ricky: They assume you can speak English because you're filling out a form.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Err what, it's like languages none.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They assume you can speak something, and they'd probably think it was English. And to put quite good when you are English.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ’English is your first language?’ ‘Yeah I'm quite good at it’. I see your point though.

steve: It's true though.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I'm not sure quite good is accurate.

ricky: No, poor.

steve: Weak.

ricky: English, poor. Weak! So you didn't get the interview no? What did Suzanne say when you told her you'd put that?

karl: She just laughed. It was too late, it was too late, to, do anything.

ricky: How's her hair?

ricky: Do you want to talk about it?

karl: She'e off today so.

ricky: It's alright is it? Oh she' listening you mean?

karl: She's at home today.

ricky: But it's probably alright now isn't it? Cos a bad hair day doesn't last.

karl: Yeah it'll be nice, it'll look nice and that today.

ricky: You're scared of her arn't you?

karl: No, I mean I don't wanna.

steve: ’Chicken noise’.

ricky: Well you've learnt your lesson that you know, you can't talk about people like that, cos it upsets them.

karl: Well plus I can't do it all now cos we're doing Pulp Fiction later, and it sort of involves her head.

karl: So.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: So let's.

ricky: Excellent there's me thinking that you're being considerate.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Or worried about her feelings.

steve: You don't want to use up the material until later.

ricky: Play a record.

ricky: Travis, Beautiful Occupation. What's the best job you've ever had still, Karl? Talking about occupations, it is still...

karl: Paper round.

ricky: Is it still the paper round?

karl: Yep.

ricky: That's ridiculous.

karl: No it was good though, if you look at it like, you know what I liked about it, you your own boss.

ricky: No your not, you're not your own boss.

steve: No, the owner of the newsagents.

ricky: The guy who runs the newsagents is the boss.

karl: Alright, but then when, once you get out, and you've got your papers and that, your sort of, you're on your own.

ricky: Do what you want, as long as you deliver the papers exactly to the places he said you are, at the time he said.

karl: Yeah, and I did.

ricky: Freedom isn't it. Any jobs you wouldn't do?

karl: Err.

ricky: I've just thought of one, that you wouldn't do, with your sort of mild homophobia.

karl: Well I'm not.

ricky: Proctologist.

karl: What's that?

ricky: Basically sticking you fingers up other people's arses.

karl: Right, well I wouldn't do that no. Why've you gotta do that?

ricky: What'd'you mean why've you got to do that?

karl: Why does anyone need that doing?

ricky: Cos, they've gotta look, if they've got an arse ache, or summat.

steve: Which trainee docter makes that their speciality.

ricky: Do you know what I mean, that must be ‘Erm right we gotta place for poxologists, any? It's you Meadows, you came last’.

steve: Yeah ‘Aww seriously what, I'm not the arse docter am I?’.

ricky: ’Yeah, you came last’.

steve: ’Aww, I'm a bum geep, I can't believe it’.

ricky: Yeah yeah, ‘You've gotta’ ‘Can't believe this’.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That must be it mustn't it.

steve: Well presumably no one would choose it, no one would, surely, if they can have the brain surgery, heart.

ricky: What if you were brilliant but you were shy, you couldn't look people in the face.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: You could be a, ‘You could do anything you want’ ‘I just, don't want to look at them, I'll just look at their arses’. ‘Really?’ ‘Yeah, I'll just do the arses’.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, it's, look at Karl's face! You didn't know, didn't know there was such thing as arse docter did yer?.

karl: No not really, specialises? He does nothing all day but that?.

ricky: Well he probably has a sandwich, about 1 O'clock.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Washes his hands, what do you mean he does nothing all day but that? You don't say that about a brain sugeon, or thoracic sugeon do you.

karl: No but, that, all day, that, that's not good is it.

ricky: I love the fact that I can blow his mind.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: There just things that people take for granted, a dentist just look in mouths all day.

karl: Yeah but that, that, aww.

ricky: What? what.

karl: Bum job that, bum job.

ricky: Just think of that, aww.

karl: So so, what do you need to know then there?

ricky: It's a lot, lot to know.

karl: You've got to have nice nails.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Not rough, no rough edges.

ricky: Well you'd be alright, cos you got that job handing out biscuits to the old people cos you had nice hands didn't yer?.

karl: Yeah, and I know a lot about buscuits, I know me buscuits.

ricky: Do yer?

karl: Yeah yeah, I know which ones they like and that.

ricky: Do yer? which ones do they like? What do old people like?

karl: Just Bourbons, err Rich Tea.

ricky: Do they really? Cos that's my least favourite, I, will never eat a bourbon, I I could be starving and I wouldn't eat a bourbon.

steve: If you want to let us know what your favourite biscuit is, e-mail in.

steve: [email protected]

ricky: Yeah, but I tell you what, but with some of them eating biscuits, I bet they get arse problems don't they? So you could double up, couldn't yer? You could be handin' out biscuits in the morning, and checking, checking out.

karl: So what what, why would you go and have that done then? What sort of problems then?

ricky: What you mean? Loads of problems .

karl: Like what?

ricky: Prostate.

karl: And they've gotta go there, they, they have to like have a little, little, you know prodding and that.

ricky: There was that, I told you that story that bloke umm, err it's not an apocryphal tale because it's it's about an ordaly's report and err this is the bloke that had filled out the form on what happened, he went into hospital basically with a sauce bottle, up his arse. And erm, on the report err he'd put, he said err, obviously you know pleasuring himself using a sauce bottle. And on the erm report that he had to fill out, he said that he'd been shopping, at Safeways, and he'd come home with his shopping, and he'd, he'd forgot his key, so he put his bags down on the step right? And he started climbing up the drainpipe, to get in right? But as he was climbing up his trousers and pants fell down, he slipped, and fell, and the sauce bottle went up his arse, and the ordely said ‘This story would be somewhat believable, if Safeways sold their sauce bottles with condoms already attached’.

karl: That's like a game of Kerplunk.

ricky: Sorry, but I love the fact that he put a condom on it, I wonder if that was so, he didn't wanna get an infection from it, or he wanted to use it on his chips later.

ricky: So waste not, want not. Go on.

steve: Talking of arse.

steve: Rockbusters.

steve: Ermm, we err we should give those clues again because we're not getting many right responses here, let's give them once more.

ricky: Do you know what I think. Because the mentalists out there get his clues and their rubbish, so I think his clue must be so way off.

steve: I know I know.

ricky: That it's summint wrong. D'you know what a pun is don't you? You can't change the word, you can't have erm oh ‘Ee's bald and he rides a bike’ ‘Who's that?’ ‘Bicycle Stipe’. That doesn't count, it's got to be Michael Stipe, for it to be correct. It's got to be Michael Stipe. Yeah?

karl: Alright, well we've, the most we've had we've got two right, right? so, we're doing alright.

steve: Let's hear the clues again.

karl: First one was ‘I'm going to the north-east. What you going there for?’ S. It's a band or an artist that starts with S. Right? ‘I'm going to the north-east. What you going there for?’ Second one ‘She's related to the err, to the man in the lamp. Right?’ That's G, band or an artist. The last one ‘The Jamaican fella would love to live there, it's a bit pricey though’ Right? BS Right?

steve: DS?

karl: BS. E-mail in or text in.

steve: [email protected]

karl: Or on the text, 83Xfm.

karl: Right?

steve: Bob Dylan's of course playing in London this week.

ricky: Yep.

steve: And err.

ricky: Good luck to him.

steve: Here's an old classic.

steve: Bob Dylan, It's all over now, Baby Blue from 19 sixety something haaa.

ricky: Bit of trivia for you here Steve.

steve: Go on.

ricky: That is the last record, we ever played on the old Xfm before we were fired.

steve: Hmm I bet that was a moving moment for about 8 people.

steve: Erm.

ricky: I just thought of summat, you know that that thing we did about, they said we just cared about the money selling it to America.

steve: Yes.

ricky: If we cared about money.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Would we be here now?

steve: Absolutely I know.

ricky: D'you know what I mean? I think this proves that we don't do things for the money.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Jesus, alright Karl?

steve: Err, couple of e-mails, Monkey Matt's e-mailed us.

ricky: Who?

steve: Monkey Matt.

ricky: Oh Matt yeah go on.

steve: He says err.

ricky: How's the Monkster?

steve: He's alright, he says err ‘Karl has missed a cracking headline from the Sport ‘Hide and Seek champion found dead in cupboard’’.

steve: I hope it's real, I don't know if it is.

ricky: I doubt it.

steve: Just looking through some of the news stories that Karl, that did make it into Karl's news roundup.

ricky: Yep.

steve: Erm.

ricky: Bong.

steve: This one you might, might be interested in. Headline ‘Woman says partner ran off to become Vampire’.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And it says ‘A young mother says her partner has dumped her to become a vampire, Rebecca Roberts from Somerset’ hmm ‘Said Matthew Barott fell for a blood-worshipping woman in a US cult, the 23 year old mother says he began shaving all his body hair, dressed in black and used Rebecca's lipstick to redden his eyes. Rebecca caught him performing weird blood rituals infront of his computer at night, cutting himself to prove commitment. She said ‘I thought it was just a hobby’.

steve: ’Everyone's got a right to one, I was pleased he'd found an interest.’.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: This is apparently from The Sun erm, apparently he's left, he's gone to America, he's living in this Ohio-based cult, but it's the last bit where she's been asked whether or not if he came back would she take him back.

ricky: Sure.

steve: And this is where I wonder if the jounalist, you know how jounalists are supposed to just report the news, be objective.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I wonder if maybe the journalist here has maybe had some interferance.

ricky: Made the quote better for them than.

steve: Possibly.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Because it says errm ‘I never thought this would take over his life. Now if he came back, I'd say ‘Fangs, but no fangs’.

steve: But, I can't believe, imagine you're the woman Rick .

ricky: Ok.

steve: And I've come round.

ricky: You're the jounalist.

steve: I'm the journalist and I've come in and I've said ‘Ok I've read’.

ricky: All I have to do is not say that, ok.

steve: You've come you come ‘I mean obviously you're quite upset’.

ricky: ’Yeah’.

steve: ’Your husband's gone off’.

ricky: ’Gutted’.

steve: ’Erm, if he came back would you take him back?’

ricky: ’Definitely not’.

steve: ’Right, what would you say to him then?’

ricky: ’Really, just get lost’.

steve: ’Right but I’.

ricky: ’I'm really pissed off with you’.

steve: ’Would you perhaps say something a bit more pithy?’.

ricky: ’Pithy? No, in this situation no, he cuts himself, he drinks blood, he's left me’.

steve: ’Sure’.

ricky: ’No, sod off I'm not interested mate’.

steve: ’Because I tell you what’.

ricky: ’Go on’.

steve: ’I mean, I like what you've said there but I wonder if we could condense that, a bit more, if he came back would you say-’.

ricky: ’Go away’.

steve: ’Would you say some-, would you ever say something like ‘Thanks, but no thanks?’’.

ricky: ’No, cos that sounds, makes it flippant, cos I'm really angry’.

steve: ’I know you're annoyed but’.

ricky: ’And I'm upset so I wouldn't say’.

steve: ’Sure’.

ricky: ’I certaintly wouldn't say thanks, I'd say, I might say no thanks’.

steve: ’But what if you, what if you said it like aggressively like you were giving him the finger? Thanks, but no thanks, like you didn't really mean it’.

ricky: ’What sort of sarcastically’.

steve: ’Sarcastically, would you possibly say it?’

ricky: ’I might say thanks but no thanks, and that would be it’.

steve: ’Right, right’.

ricky: ’And that's, and I'd leave it there, and I'd never change that’.

steve: ’Sure’.

ricky: ’I'd never change those words’.

steve: ’Can I ask you a question?’.

ricky: ’Go on’.

steve: ’Do you like puns?’

ricky: ’N-, hate them, I don't watch Countdown, I don't like QI, I don't like any of those posh Cambridge Oxford type, I, I hate puns’.

steve: ’If you had to say thanks but no thanks in the form of a pun, what would you maybe say’.

ricky: ’I wouldn't, I never would’.

steve: ’Right’.

ricky: ’I'd say thanks but no thanks, I would, you know I'd, I mean, I feel embarassed that'd I'd even say that, because I don't think I would even say thanks but no thanks’.

steve: ’Ok’.

ricky: ’But if I did go that far, I'd leave it there’.

steve: ’Sure, sure’.

ricky: ’So’.

steve: ’Have you ever noticed, as I have’.

ricky: ’Go on’.

steve: ’The similarity between the word thanks, and fangs?’

ricky: ’Not really’.

steve: ’It's very similar, thanks, fangs thanks fangs’.

ricky: ’No really, F, T, H, there's a K’.

steve: ’Fangs very much’.

ricky: ’G, A and N, well the A the N and the S, but that's about it’.

steve: ’Would you agree it sounds marginally similar?’

ricky: ’Err, yeah sor t of’.

steve: ’Is it possible you might one day say ‘Fangs but no fangs’?’

ricky: ’I wouldn't no’.

steve: ’Right, I could put that though could I?’

ricky: ’But don't say I said it’.

steve: ’Right’.

ricky: I mean, yeah. Fangs but no fangs.

steve: Yeah. This is the thing, this is the thing, just if you ever read an article in the Sun, The Mirror, anything, do not believe it, really seriously question and query it, because.

ricky: If it end with Fangs no fangs.

steve: If it ends with a pun, almost certaintly they never said it.

ricky: Feeder. D'you know what? erm I'm annoyed at now. Right we've got another ad break coming up. How many ad breaks've we had in this show?

steve: I know.

ricky: Karl, how many ad breaks've we had in this show?

karl: Probably about 3 an hour, 3 or 4 an hour.

ricky: 3 or 4 and hour so about 3 minutes, so 20 minutes, 20 minutes is wasted on, on shite, I mean apart from the stuff we talk about.

steve: Well it's funny you should say that cos erm someone said to me last week that they felt that there were more advert, now on the show than there used to be.

ricky: Are there more adverts on this show.

steve: Ricky I think though, I think, just checking some of the e-mails I think that's because people are requesting them.

steve: They find them more entertaining than what we're giving them.

ricky: But, it, can't we sort this out?

karl: No, don't go on about it.

ricky: No no can't we though? Why can't we, why can't we have less? Why've we got so many? is it what.

karl: Just happens doesn't it.

ricky: Aww, we, no aww, you can't listen to the radio and every, after every record, it's bad enough trying to keep them listening with the rubbish we come out with.

karl: Well we've got Rockbuster's here, let's get 'em back.

karl: Right the first.

ricky: Go on then.

karl: So.

ricky: Right, has anyone got all 3?

karl: No.

ricky: No, right ok so there's summint wron-, I'm gonna be ang-, I'm gonna ban Rockbuster's, cos, ok go on then, what are the clues again, tell me the answers.

steve: Well give us the ones that they did get.

karl: Alright, well they did get erm ‘He's related to the man in the lamp’.

ricky: What's that?

karl: That was G, that was.

ricky: Gina.

karl: That was, that was.

ricky: Genie.

karl: Genie-sis, alright?

steve: Gene-sis.

karl: Like Genesis, so G, the sister of the genie, geniesis, Genesis, they got that one.

ricky: No no no, what, what's the band's name?

karl: Genie-sis.

ricky: No no no, say tha band's name, Genesis.

karl: Genesis.

ricky: Genesis, right ok, what, I don't get it cos genie is, nothing like.

karl: Well, well they did, so don't worry about it.

ricky: Right, ok.

karl: Stop worring about th ads, stop worrying about that right. The thrid one was, err ‘The Jamican fella would love to live there’.

ricky: Go on.

karl: ’But it's a little bit pricey’.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Right that was.

steve: What was the initial?

karl: DS ‘Dear Streets’. Right?

ricky: What?

karl: It's it's a dear street to live on.

ricky: Dear Streets oh yeah I havn't heard of them, they what, there a band?

karl: That's Dire Straits.

ricky: NO IT’S NOT DIRE STRAITS! It's not Dire Straits! Dear Streets.

karl: Well say, the Jamaican fella, would love to love there.

ricky: Go on make it sound like that.

karl: Dear Streets, Dear Streets.

karl: Dire Straits.

ricky: No again, it's still not, keep going, I I havn't got it yet go on.

karl: Dear, Dear Streets.

ricky: Dear Streets.

karl: They got that one as well, so.

steve: Right well let's hear the one they didn't get.

ricky: Can I do an impression of a Jamaican fella saying Dire Straits?

karl: Right.

ricky: Dire Straits.

karl: The first one –

ricky: It’s not the same!

karl: The first one they striggle-struggled with was, um, I’m going to the Northeast. What you goin’ there for?

ricky: Well, when, when you say struggled with, no one got this.

karl: No one got it.

steve: People didn’t even attempt it.

ricky: All right, go on then. Northeast, what?

karl: I’m going to the Northeast. What you goin’ there for? See-‘ull.

steve: Ss-see-ull? What?

karl: Hull, Hull’s up in the Northeast, so,

ricky: Hull is, yeah. See Hull, yeah.

karl: So, what you goin’ there for? Se-al.

ricky: I haven’t heard of them either.

karl: Right? So that works.

ricky: Who’s See Hull?

karl: Seal!

ricky: Oh, Seal! What’s that got to do with the North, though?

karl: Se-al.

karl: That’s the way I’d say it, innit.

ricky: OK, that’s the end of Rockbusters.

steve: Unbelievable.

ricky: That’s the end of Rockbusters.

steve: I can’t believe we even brought it back, Rick.

ricky: Right. I’m, I’m serious, that’s the end of Rockbusters.

steve: Can I be honest with you?

ricky: Go on.

steve: I’d love to hear some adverts now instead of that.

karl: Well ‘ang on a minute –

ricky: So would I! That is, adverts are better than that.

karl: I’m just sayin’-

ricky: Doesn’t matter.

karl: Laura, Laura’s won (can’t understand). She only got 2 but we’ll give her that.

ricky: Fine. Fine. Well done Laura. Well done Laura. Yeah.

karl: So.

ricky: Just play the ads. I’m actually looking forward to the ads.

steve: Really looking forward to them. I hope it’s-

ricky: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, We’re All in Love. On Xfm 104.9. Um, sorry about um, Rockbusters, uh .. that’s the end of it. Definitely. ‘Cause it’s… it was dreadful. D’y’know what I mean, ‘cause it’s not – D’y’know what I mean, Steve?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It’s quite funny, but that was, that was awful.

steve: I mean, we’ve apologised for that quiz so many times.

ricky: I know. We’ve given it, I think it’s 2 comebacks.

karl: They like it, though –

ricky: No, they don’t like it! They don’t like it ‘cause it’s ru—that’s 2, that’s, people – no, no, that, that’s the end of that. Um, less adverts next week, sort that out.

steve: Yep.

ricky: ‘Cause it’s just, it’s awful. It’s, 20 minutes of adverts. D’y’know what I mean? It’s not what people listen for. So, um, right. Redeem yourself. Have you got the film thing you’re in.

karl: Right. Yeah. I’m in a film, uh, it’s Pulp Fiction this week.

ricky: All right.

karl: Right? Uh, changed it a little bit, tweaked the story line a little bit.

steve: OK.

karl: It’s just uh,

ricky: To make it better, yeah.

karl: It’s just the, d’y’know h‘I’ve talked about Suzanne’s hair an’ that,

ricky: Yep.

karl: About when she got it cut, didn’t like it an’ that.

ricky: Yep.

karl: So it’s sort of about that. Uh, listen to it, there’ll be a question at the end, win some, good stuff. All right?

steve: Yeah, well ..

karl: And this is the scene where they’re in the restaurant, d’y’know when they’re about to do the, the robbery –

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, play it.

karl: ‘cept it’s not a restaurant, changed that, it’s a barber’s.

steve: Right. OK.

ricky: God.

steve: OK. Is there gonna be a question after this?

karl: Yup.

karl: All right? Uh, my girlfriend came here earlier, had her hair cut, I’m not happy with it. Look at the state of that. Well, don’t laugh. Yeah? I mean, I don’t want to cause any fuss, but just, just want you to sort it out.

sammy l. jackson as jules winnfield as the barber: I’m afraid he can’t do that.

karl: Well you can do that, ‘cause it looks a mess.

barber: Look, my friend, this is just where you and I differ.

karl: Well, well you’ve got to do something, ‘cause look at it. When she came thru the front door, I thought Dave Hill out of Slade had walked in.

barber: Funny how I was thinkin’ the same thing.

karl: Look, we – I don’t want to cause any problems or anything, she hasn’t even see it properly yet, she sort of had it cut and came straight home and didn’t, didn’t look at it. Suzanne, just look in that mirror – look what they’ve done to your head.

“suzanne”: Goddam that – what is that?

karl: Suzanne!

barber: We’re not gonna do anything stupid, are we?

manager: I’m the manager here, there’s no problem.

karl: What do you mean there’s not a problem? Look at the state of her hair!

man: Be calm, cooperate, and this’ll all be over in a minute.

“suzanne”: I want to go home.

karl: No, we’re not goin’ anywhere until they sort your hair out. I’m not walkin’ ‘ome with you, with your hair like that. It’s embarassing. So, so let’s just get it.

“suzanne”: Dyed.

karl: Forget havin’ it dyed – just get it cut! Color’s not a problem! Just sort it out, just get rid of –

barber: Let’s see what we can do!

karl: Right. Good.

karl: Look at it. Look at the state of it.

barber: I’m tryin’ real hard.

karl: Suzanne, just keep your head still, there, so he can –

man: Just hang in there baby, you’re doing great. I’m proud of you.

karl: Sort that bit out there! Just put that! My barber says I’ve got the uh, the hair of a Chinaman. Have you, have you heard that before?

karl: What? What’s, what’s so funny about that? Is it serious, or what? Freaking me out.

barber: If my answers frighten you, you should cease asking scary questions. It’s almost over.

man: There you go!

karl: Well it’s not, it’s not brilliant, but that’ll have to do, won’t it. Reckon we’ll have to buy her a uh, a hat on the way home?

barber: Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.

ricky: Do you think Suzanne’s listenin’?

karl: ‘Salright, innit?

steve: I love the fact –

steve: I love the fact that in that, she’s represented with a sort of dimwit Southern accent.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Your girlfriend. Sure she’ll appreciate that.

karl: Well.

steve: It was nice, yeah. Nice. I, I don’t know what kind of copyright infringements-

steve: That has made.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well, the question is, What did I say is odd about my hair?

steve: Odd about your hair.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Fans of the show will know that already, I’m sure.

karl: Yeah. So, email in at [email protected], or, uh, yeah, just email actually.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Bored?

karl: All right?

steve: Yeah. You can win some tat. Usual address.

ricky: Now there’s a beautiful record.

steve: Yeah. This is Thunder Road, by Bruce Springsteen, as recorded by Badly Drawn Boy. Enjoy.

ricky: Good job.

steve: Badly Drawn Boy doing his version of Bruce Springsteen’s Thunder Road on Xfm 104.9.

ricky: Good effort.

steve: Tricky song to um, do a good version of but not bad.

ricky: Good effort. Badly.

steve: Tell you what, who’s also made a good effort,

ricky: Go on.

steve: Stephen Gunning, of Tooting. He’s correctly identified that Karl’s hair is like that of a Chinaman’s.

ricky: Or it was.

steve: Uh, yeah. Many other people have emailed in saying How can we know what your hair’s like because you are a bald manc twat?

ricky: Yeah. Is our language OK on this show, in general?

karl: I’ve told you, that, you’ve, you know, to be careful an’ that.

ricky: Yeah. Why don’t you try puttin’ some effort into it, as you get Mondays off for this two hours. You come up with Rockbusters clue that no one can get ‘cause it was impossible, it wasn’t even a clue.

karl: Yeah, I’ve got your headlines, I’ve done Pulp Fiction, ‘ait? I taught you about that fella, the builder fella, and, and, and his eyes and that.

ricky: You don’t even know what you’re talkin’ about. You don’t even know what you’ve taught me. It’s sort of like you borrow information. It’s - It’s like one of those things, that you know, what are those things called? Um, uh, read - write once, read many. You can just pass it on and it’s – yeah, one of those CDs you can just play once.

steve: Yeah, yeah. Well it struck me –

ricky: That is you with information.

ricky: It’s like it goes in, you can tell someone… It’ like you’ve lost it. It’s like Pass the Parcel.

ricky: With knowledge. It’s gone now, you don’t even remember what you told me.

karl: The chain letter.

ricky: What?

karl: Jus– you mean chain letter, don’t ya.

steve: Shut up. Um, it struck me when we were listening to his phone call to you, at the very beginning of the show, I don’t know if- you might’ve missed that, but basically there was a message that Karl left for Ricky. But about halfway thru that message, there was the feeling – I don’t know if you noticed, but like the words started to fall apart, it was like he wasn't gonna make it. Every time Karl opens his mouth, it’s the equivalent of walking across one of those rickety bridges in Indiana Jones.

steve: That might, you might not make it to the other side.

ricky: I know! Yeah! Oh, look at him.

steve: Anyway, we’ve had a few laughs, and we’ve had a few insults. But um,

ricky: Yeah, we’ll try and sort, really, honestly, I’ll try to sort something out instead of Block-Rockbusters next week. Um, less adverts, I think,

steve: Ideally.

ricky: Um, what else.

steve: Uh, better chat, better music, better presenters.

ricky: No! Come on.

karl: We got rid of Monkey News.

ricky: Is there no Monkey News?

karl: Nowt’s gone on this week.

ricky: Don’t talk sh- there must be some Monkey News! It’s not like it’s real news! You tell us stories about chimps from the 18th century! It’s no, don’t give me Nothing happened this week, you just –

karl: Done it all, done it all, haven’t I.

ricky: Didn’t look at the internet!

karl: Did look. The only thing -

ricky: And there’s no news! Nothing happened!

karl: There was one little bit of Monkey News, about, um, how you can now buy tea that’s been picked by, little chimps. Because it, ‘cause it tastes good. That’s what they’re sayin’.

steve: Right. Right. Why does it taste good. What do they do to it.

karl: I don’t know. I don’t know. It just annoyed me -

steve: Is it those chimps from the PG Tips ads?

steve: Are they dressed up, having funny conversations, like in –

karl: Well that’s the thing! Everyone made a fuss about, y’know, about that’s cruel makin’ ‘em pick a piano up,

steve: Yeah.

karl: If I was a chimp, I know which job I’d prefer.

steve: Sure.

karl: D’y’know what I mean? Do removals rather than standin’ in the field, pickin’ tea an’ that.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I love the fact that he probably thought that was a documentary! He thought it was a trailer! For a Channel 4 program!

steve: All right, we’ll be back next week.

ricky: I’ve got a little treat for them. Right, that winner of the DVD, watch the behind-the-scenes footage, ‘cause you see Karl’s little round head. So, they’re enjoyin’ that. Who won that, by the way?

karl: Um ..

ricky: We’ve given that away, haven’t we.

steve: Yeah, we forget who it was.

karl: Yeah, it’s gone now.

steve: Don’t bother watching the rest of the stand-up, though. It’s a bit poor!

steve: Leave you with 50 Cent’s outfit, G-Unit)

ricky: Fiddy! I call him fiddy! I calls him Fiddy Cent.

steve: Fiddy. Yeah.

ricky: I call him Fiddy Cent! Fiddy.

steve: Back next week.

ricky: Fiddy.

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