XFM Vault - S03E07 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Rollover DJ by Jet on Xfm 104.9.

ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais. With me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Alright, Karl?

karl: Yep.

ricky: Bit miserable today Karl. Let me explain why-

steve: Go on.

ricky: -Steve, and to you the listeners. Well, we came in to a big, big bunch of stuff dropped off by, who was it, Becky from Marks and Spencers? Just like lovely stuff.

ricky: Food, presents for the cat, books... just you know 'to Ricky and Steve', 'Ricky and Steve', 'Ricky and Steve who do the show'. All right, 'Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant'

steve: GQ presenters of the Year.

ricky: Creators of The Office', right?

steve: Award winning.

ricky: Karl was looking over, I go oh... well maybe... no it's for you, no. And then... then he told me why he's grumpy anyway.

steve: Go on.

ricky: Do you know what Xfm are giving everyone- he's been- how long have you been here?

karl: About six years.

ricky: What you getting for Christmas from Xfm?

karl: Two CDs.

steve: Is that of your choice or do they choose them?

karl: There's a list of about thirty.

steve: Right.

ricky: Tell him what you chose.

karl: I've gone for Kings of Leon album, and The Best of Bob Marley.

steve: Haven't we, like, given them away in the past or something? Or you could have burnt them off couldn't you, you could have done copies - illegal, but you could have done that... anytime you wanted.

ricky: I don't think Bob Marley minds if you bootleg his CDS.

karl: It's out of order tho innit.

steve: It is bad.

ricky: Although you do get-

steve: Has that always been the case, has it always been the true of all the time you've been here?

karl: No, it been better than this.

ricky: Yeah, although you do get paid quite well, you do have an easier time.

karl: Yeah, but don't give me the CDs then. If I was a milkman, you don't go, "have two bottles of semi-skimmed. Happy Christmas".

steve: That is a valid point

karl: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Who was it that made this decision?

karl: There's no point, no point is there.

ricky: Why?

karl: There's no point, I don't like moaning anyway, just...

steve: Has it come from up top? Is it like from the Capital people?

karl: Just- just everyone- that's what everyone gets.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah but hold on, will Christian get two CDs for getting up at 4:30 every day for about five years.

steve: And keeping this station afloat.

karl: Probably. So, that's why I'm a bit fed up.

ricky: What you going to listen to first, Marley or Leon?

karl: Probably have a bit of Marley.

ricky: I'll tell you what Marley is good for as well. You have a little beach holiday aren't you, over Christmas, going to Lanzarote.

karl: Hmm.

ricky: Listening to that on the beach. You'll realise how wise Xfm are in the long run.

ricky: You know, you'll go "well look they could have given me 400 quid right, but I'd have spent that", but this is you know, the legend lives on.

steve: It's the gift that keeps on giving.

ricky: So, you probably, you know what I mean. Think how much those two-

ricky: All you've gotta think of is how much those all his great songs took. Not only from the depths of his soul and you know, all his sort of angst and knowledge and love... And then all the studio time, the marketing.

ricky: And they just giving you one, they go, "don't worry about that Karl, just have it".

ricky: You go, "what, all the time they spent with Bob Marley and everything?"

ricky: "Yeah have it Karl, have it Karl, have it Karl"

steve: Gratis.

ricky: "Yeah, have that, have that, thanks, well done, carry on. We're still going to pay you for the work. That's just something on top!"

ricky: Yeah so don't moan, it's extra. So... they didn't have to give you it at all.

ricky: Play a record you ungrateful little swine.

steve: Some people, like the homeless, aren't getting anything this Christmas.

ricky: This is my favourite Elvis Costello track of all time. It's Alison.

karl: This wasn't on the list.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Elvis Costello - Alison, on Xfm 104.9.

ricky: So, that's it... maybe... I'll tell you what...

ricky: Good idea, Karl: just beg. Just ask for other...things... What do you want? What do you want for Christmas? You must have big fan base that they're willing to make you things. Maybe like a little, I dunno... gloves? Pair of gloves.

steve: Woolly hat.

karl: If they want to send a necklace in for Suzanne that'd be handy.

ricky: Oh, yeah.

karl: That's what she wants.

ricky: Is Suzanne listening today?

karl: No, she's out.

ricky: Right, ok, this is the dilemma: me and Steve yesterday

ricky: Were trying to convince Karl that it would be a good idea to buy Suzanne a Christmas present, ok?

ricky: Now why aren't you gonna buy a present? Explain, Karl, why you don't think you should buy a Christmas present.

karl: No, well I've told her I'll get a one, but in the new year. We're going away on holiday and that, so there's no point taking stuff away.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Going to Lanzarote next week.

ricky: Just get her something in the sales after Christmas, yeah?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Right. And me and Steve were trying to explain to Karl that she would love it if you bought her something on Christmas day.

karl: Yeah, but she knows now.

ricky: But- yeah-

steve: Knows what?

karl: I've told her, I said she's getting-

ricky: No, well I'm gonna tell, do you know... right, this... Dear listener, this was Karl's worry.

ricky: I said I bet she's got you something, and Karl was worried in case he got her something and she hadn't got him something.

steve: Yeah, he'd be livid.

ricky: He didn't want to be down. He didn't wanna be a present down.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Look his face! So buy her a nice necklace. Don't spend- just spend a hundred quid, you know, just a little token-

karl: We're going away. I'm taking her away on holiday.

ricky: No you're not taking her away on holiday... what, you're paying for it are you?

karl: ...er, yeah.

ricky: Are you really?

karl: Yeah. Well... half and half, and that.

ricky: So you're paying for you to go on holiday. That's good of ya. So the gift is your company really.

karl: ... She's done alright.

ricky: She's done alright??

steve: Why do you talk like you're 60 years old? And you've been working down the mines.

ricky: I love that, she's done alright.

ricky: Do you go home to her and say Suzanne, you're bloody lucky-

steve: I mean...

ricky: -you've fallen on your feet, look who you've got-

steve: To be fair, Rick, I'm not sure she has done alright.

steve: I don't wanna be critical, but...

ricky: (laughing) Oh dear.

steve: So what you gonna get in the sales?

ricky: What are you gonna get her?

karl: Well it depends. I'm thinking... I mean, I'll give her the choice, she can have Kings of Leon or Bob Marley.

karl: Right? I'll let her decide there.

ricky: (laughing) Oh dear.

karl: Er...

ricky: I can't wait to see you. Where are you going, Lanzarote?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Where's that?

karl: Dunno, Suzanne sorted it.

ricky: I said, I said, I said Lanzarote, is that... is that Africa or is it Spain or Portugal? Just talking and he goes "dunno" and I went... what do you mean you don't know? I went what's the currency and he went "dunno". I said... Suzanne booked this one did she?

ricky: Yeah, so, where is it? Is it- is Lanzarote African or-

steve: Foreign. Somewhere foreign.

karl: I was looking last night and it doesn't look that good. There was, like, one of the highlights, the things it says you've got to do, is go and have... apparently they've got restaurants in caves... and that's like one of the things they say you must do. So, if that's a highlight... do you know what I mean?

karl: So we'll do that. Go and see what that's like.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: When you're on the beach, Karl, do you wear the very, very tight Speedos?

karl: No.

ricky: What do you wear?

karl: Sort of longish shorts, t-shirt on probably, with a sort of a light shirt on top of that.

steve: Right, sure.

ricky: So what, quite wrapped up then.

steve: Covered up. Do you wear a hat because obviously the bald head there's a risk of sunburn.

karl: No, just put a little lotion on it.

steve: Lotion on there.

karl: Yeah. Just have a bit of a wander, wander down the beach, have a look.

ricky: See if there's any old blokes with their tackle out and a backpack.

karl: I look forward to so... There you go.

steve: Well, we're looking forward to finding out how you get on. And interested to know what she gives you on Christmas Day.

ricky: More scintillating chat after this next song.

karl: Right, bit of Placebo?

ricky: Yeah, love it, love it, love it.

karl: Special Needs.

ricky: Placebo. Special Needs. On Xfm 104.9.

ricky: Email in where Lanzarote is. I don't know if it's Italy or Spain, off Europe or maybe Africa. You know, this is the sort of things, these are reasons I come in here, to at least learn summat, innit Karl?

ricky: We stopped Educating Ricky. So I've stopped- I've stopped learning, you know about things like the woman who ate mud all her life.

karl: I taught you something before when we were in the office-

ricky: Go on, what was that? What did you teach me?

karl: Er, they've just counted how many fish are in the sea and that.

ricky: No. No, they haven't.

steve: What?

karl: Just done a census.

ricky: A census...

steve: What, of fish?

karl: Yeah, some fellas have gone in the sea and they've got to workout, there's about...

ricky: "Mrs Sprat, is this you son?"

ricky: "No, he's a lodger."

ricky: "Ok let's mark him down. That's two. Oh I've lost count! Six million four hundred- oh darn!"

ricky: So how many are there?

karl: About... it's a lot.

ricky: Well, there are more species of fish...

ricky: Than bird, mammal, and reptile, put together-

steve: Can I ask a question?

ricky: That's on my DVD of Animals.

steve: (Sales voice) That's still available in shops. Probably find that online, get it slightly cheaper.

ricky: (Sales voice) £15.99.

ricky: What? Go on, ask me a question.

steve: (Sales voice) Karl Pilkington's also on the DVD. That's a perfect Christmas gift.

steve: Yeah, this is a question I was discussing this yesterday. I'm not- this is not a joke. I genuinely have always always been slightly perplexed, and we were discussing it last night, the notion of 'the birds and the bees'.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don't mean, you know... 'the birds and the bees', I understand how...

ricky: Why they use 'the birds and the bees'?

steve: Yeah because well you see I always, as a child, I never... I assumed the bees were having some kind of relations with the birds.

ricky: No.

steve: So what's- is there anything to do with the birds and the bees? Or is it literally, you know, just like a euphemism. It's just the birds and the bees.

ricky: No, but they...

steve: Do the birds do anything with the bees?

ricky: No, not at all. It was their parents-

steve: Do they just take them out?

ricky: It was their parents used to sidestep the issue by saying things like, you know when a lady blackbird and a man blackbird, they meet, right, they make a little nest, and then because they're

ricky: In love they have an egg.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And that was it.

steve: I understand that, that makes sense. But why the bees, why the birds and the bees?

ricky: Well, probably, erm...

ricky: I don't know.

steve: I don't know you see, within nature, forgive my ignorance, within nature there is no relationship between bees and birds is there?

ricky: Well no, not at all, no, not at all.

steve: Nothing's going on.

ricky: Probably what it was, it was their parents found it hard to say, you know daddy puts his penis up mummy's vagina. It was much easier to say, like, in the insect world billions of them queue up and just fill the queen with spunk for about a day.

steve: Sure.

ricky: You know, thus avoiding the embarrassing intercourse.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: That's what I think Karl.

ricky: What do you think?

steve: Were you taught about the birds and the bees, did anyone bring that up with you?

karl: No, it's just in that class weren't it when they put a video on-

ricky: No that's what we had, we had a film

karl: And they just said here you are, watch that and then, er-

steve: What film though, Basic Instinct?

karl: It's just like, you know, two people and all sat round the telly and watched it. One girl fainted.

karl: And they said right, that's that. Next week, you know...

karl: Prisms, or whatever.

steve: And did it teach you everything you need to know?

karl: Er... well how much do you need to know to know?

ricky: Yeah, true, no true. Except one kid in my class still thought of baby came out of an arse. What didn't he understand.

steve: I think what they should have shown on those videos is technique as much as anything.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so yeah.

steve: Because it was largely just instructional.

ricky: Wooing.

steve: Mm. What it didn't tell you was how to get into a position where this might be of some interest.

steve: That should have been the first four weeks of the course.

ricky: Yeah. Well, obviously that baby, that kid who had a baby, what was going on there Karl?

karl: That was weird, did you see that?

ricky: Yeah, that was gonna be your favorite program wasn't it?

karl: Yeah, wasn't that good in the end.

ricky: Why?

steve: You told us about the story ages ago.

karl: Ages ago. Told you about a year ago about a baby that had a baby.

ricky: Yeah bit different, the baby that had a baby, isn't it, where it was a Siamese twin with a, with a breach actually just, you know, developing inside him for you know... just, well, it wasn't even developing it was a twin stillborn

ricky: That just was inside, enveloped in the other one's body. So it's a little bit different to "a baby what had a baby", isn't it? Actually disappointed he was. You know what he said to me?

ricky: He went, "well, I thought it was going to come out and go 'oh I'll bloody I'm seven, what a waste of me life'".

ricky: Like it had been there going, "Hello?? Hello??"

ricky: "Seven!"

ricky: Idiot.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Yeah bit disappointing, but there was a program after that, right?

karl: 10:00 on Discovery and I haven't got Discovery.

ricky: Was it good?

karl: Well I didn't see it, this is it. I was going to say to people if they've got a copy of it on tape if they could send it in.

ricky: What was it?

karl: About a baby with four legs.

steve: Right.

karl: That's that was on at 10:00 on-

steve: It wasn't a puppy?

karl: No no.

ricky: "What's it doing up there?" "It's my baby." "Oh, is it ma'am? Alright, fine." Yeah.

ricky: That's got four legs. Yes. Yes, sometimes they do.

steve: Look dad's gone. He's never coming back. You've got to get over it.

karl: So, if anyone's got that... send it in.

steve: Right, okay.

ricky: Ohh, dear. Send it in. So you want the tape with the baby with four legs. You're going to be disappointed again. It's not going to be like a baby with four legs who's running around - running up the curtains, you know what I mean? It's not going to be that. There's probably - it's probably gonna be two legs and then two sort of like, floppy appendages. You know what I mean?

ricky: It's not - they're not going to be brit... It's not going to be like Jake the Peg. You're going to be disappointed.

steve: Apparently Lanzarote is one of the Canary Islands.

ricky: Oh is it?

steve: Although we've also been told it's part of Spain.

ricky: Right... yeah.

steve: I don't know who to believe.

ricky: I don't know what to believe either. That puts me back because I knew it was either one of them.

steve: Yeah...

karl: Pilot knows doesn't he?

ricky: Eh?!

karl: Pilot knows where he's going.

ricky: I'd have thought so, yeah.

karl: Doesn't matter then. Right, are we playing J-Hawks.

ricky: Got bored with that conversation, did you?

ricky: Long and winding road. I love that but, I don't like the way Mccartney sings "here". It was just one he goes - "and you leave me waiting he-ore".

steve: Well he's always got that slightly affected... style.

ricky: But it sounds like Richard Burton or something - He-ore!

steve: Yeah

ricky: But it's only one it does it. But I don't know why. Do you think he likes it, or wants to go back and change it. Maybe it's like... but having said that you know, I'm not [inaudible] them over, the Beatles are one of the best bands ever.

steve: Well yeah, good luck to them.

ricky: Brilliant songwriters. Yeah. Yeah.

steve: Ummm, we've had a lot of emails Karl, I don't really want to sort-of put a damper on your Christmas but a lot of people have been slagging off Lanzarote.

karl: What are they saying?

steve: Well one of them...

ricky: It is Canaria isn't it, it's Gran, it is one of the Canaries isn't it?

steve: It's a volcanic island covered in volcanic dust. It's very windy, so you have to dig a hole to sit in on the beach. And there's hardly anything to do.

steve: That's from Mike G and he says "unless you like quad biking". Well, you know, you've seen what happened to Ozzy Osbourne.

ricky: No don't go quad biking! Not with your little head!

ricky: There's no protection at all, is there.

steve: I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know -

ricky: At least Rik Mayall and Ozzy had lots of hair. [muttering] yours would... you would be like Humpty Dumpty, it would crack like a little egg [muttering] and there's no Kings Or King's Horses

steve: Well they couldn't do the job anyway.

ricky: No, shouldn't really send them. They're not really a qualified.

steve: Horses are not equipped to put back [inaudible] together again.

ricky: Send in a medical man like Neil Fox in.

steve: Yes

ricky: To mend eggs.

steve: Not some kind of military horse.

ricky: I bet he's had egg on his face a few times hasn't he.

steve: What Foxy?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well.., most of the series of Pop Idol.

ricky: Right, Karl Lanzarote. Good or bad. You've gotta' give it a go, haven't you.

ricky: Yeah. Well done.

karl: Give everywhere a go.

ricky: Exactly. That's what I'm saying. You know, don't just take the word for it. I mean, I mean if it had said on Ananova, Lanzarote was shit, he'd have believed it.

steve: Sure.

ricky: You know. If he'd overheard it in a pub - "Lanzarote is crap". He'd have believed it. If he'd seen it on a website, that was mainly concerned with monkeys and witches - he'd have believed it. As it is...

karl: Everybody...

karl: E'raves about New York, when i went there i thought it was rubbish.

ricky: Well you're an idiot then because is the-

karl: Subjective though innit?

ricky: The greatest city in the world, along with London.

karl: Subjective, though. That's why they have already programs n' that innit? You see and you decide for yourself n that.

ricky: Yeah, but you saw Venice, on a 'oliday programme, as you put it. You went there and you went "it was rubbish, full of black bin liners".

karl: Well it is!

ricky: Right. Didn't they show them?

karl: It stunk.

ricky: Didn't Judith Chalmers say that? " Oh, it stinks here and there's loads of rubbish everywhere".

karl: No, she didn't

ricky: Didn't she mention that?

karl: No. That's what I mean.

karl: So depends what you want from a holiday, dun't it?

ricky: Well, yeah, but.

karl: So.

ricky: You're an idiot if you don't like New York, so, next!

steve: Anyway c'mon, break it up guys. Kiss and make up.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Um Karl, we've had an email. Some old rockbusters. Ummm someone's emailed in, they wonder if you can get some of your old rockbusters clues, some of your old genuine rockbusters clues come back. I know rockbusters has come back lately.

ricky: Well course he can, it's the way his brain works.

steve: Well indeed, but look, i think you'll, maybe can also enjoy the challenge, Rick.

ricky: Yeah

steve: And you at home.

ricky: I remember them as well because I remember how angry they made me.

steve: Here's some old rockbusters

steve: That army's got some well nice trenches. DW.

ricky: Errr. That army's got some well nice trenches.

steve: DW.

ricky: No.

steve: Dandy Warhols.

ricky: That one works.

steve: Not bad. Is it?

ricky: That's why I didn't get that one, because it worked.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Okay. She's only got one sticker left.

karl: It was actually he's only got one sticker left.

steve: Oh okay, he's only got one sticker left

ricky: Oh the band "his last sticker".

steve: Exactly.

ricky: With Justin Fischman. Yeah, "his last sticker".

ricky: Brilliant weren't they? What happened to "his last sticker". Are they still going?

steve: He'll strap some chocolate to your feet. That's A. A band or artist, A. He'll strap some chocolate to your feet.

ricky: Go on.

steve: Aerosmith.

steve: I don't know really what that means. But, and finally you'll have to-

ricky: Aero cobbler. The well known...Aero cobbler.

steve: And, you'll have to stick her in the oven, AB. You'll have to stick her in oven.

ricky: See, he thinks that blacksmith, means like, just shoes. It's the smith part. A smith is just a right, isn't it? I don't know. Aerosmith. What does that mean, Karl? What does that mean?

steve: Well, come on. You have to stick it in the oven, AB.

ricky: Yeah, I know that one.

steve: Yeah?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What is it?

ricky: But it doesn't work.

steve: Apparently it does. You'll have to stick it in the oven, AB. A singer or artist.

ricky: Well, Anita Baker.

steve: Anita Baker.

ricky: But why do you have to stick it in the oven?

karl: I need to bake her.

steve: Oh, I need to?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Why didn't you say, he's got to get his hair cut and put a nice white chefs hat on. That's "a neater baker".

steve: See, that works.

ricky: That works, Karl. I need to bake her, doesn't work. It is shite.

steve: C'mon. Well before you judge, listen to today's Rockbusters. They're here with us now, here's Karl Pilkington.

karl: Brought it back. Just for Christmas, but I've only got two really.

steve: Oh, what!?

ricky: Oh, Christ.

karl: Well, because i was trying to work one out before, righ in my little room. I was looking at different band names thinking, "what can i do", couldn't concentrate because Ricky was in there try out spray deodorant all over the place.

karl: Alright!?

steve: Well, you should have done them yesterday.

ricky: You should have shut me out!

karl: Right.

steve: So there's just two!? Brilliant.

karl: Well, i've kind of got an idea for the third one.

steve: Oh, fine.

ricky: Oh.

karl: I'll have go. Right. so anyway, so the first one-

ricky: Shall we play a record and get back to this? Because this is doing me head in.

karl: We'll do it quicker. We'll do it quicker.

steve: No.

ricky: No. Play a record, this is rubbish. Rubbish

karl: Libertines.

ricky: Useless

steve: Give me the gifts, let me have a look at the prizes we've got.

ricky: Libertines. Don't Look Back Into The Sun, on Xfm. Well, the general public are getting involved with Karl's holiday. And, I mean, this has been a damning report on Lanzarote.

steve: There's not been a positive word written about Lanzarote so far.

ricky: Well, it's volcanic. There's no natural water supply.

steve: Apparently there's no natural water supply. It's all imported.

ricky: You have to sit in a hole. What do you think of this Karl? What do you think of the people

ricky: That want you to know you're going to a rubbish place, when you can't change it? What do you think of that?

karl: Won't be rubbish though, will it?

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Be alright.

ricky: What do you mean, it will be alright?

karl: Because I'm going to go there thinking. Oh, there's no water and that, and there will be water.

ricky: No, they didn't say "there's no water".

karl: What did they say then?

ricky: There's no natural water supply.

karl: Well. Whatever. I'm not bothered. It doesn't bother me.

ricky: Right.

karl: I'm going to have a good time n that.

ricky: What are you gonna, what do you plan to do?

karl: I've got a book.

ricky: What book you got?

karl: Rich Hall book. I'm just gonna read that.

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: The weather's better than here, innit?

ricky: Yeah

karl: So. I'll have a goods time.

steve: Someone, er. Someone just emailed in just now. They're listening online and there's a problem with their computer, and everything is sped up. The music is sped up. Our voices, Rick, are sped up. Everything is sped up, except Karl's. That's how slow he speaks.

steve: When everything i sped up. He sounds normal.

karl: Are we doing rockbusters?

ricky: Yeah. C'mon.

ricky: Listening online. Wow.

karl: Steve, do you wanna...do you wanna do the clues?

steve: I won't do the clues. I'll never be able to piece them together. But i'll give you the prizes. The Old Grey Whistle Test volume 2, the Kumar's at Number 42 volume 2, or maybe it's volume 1 - who cares. Porridge Series 3, volume 2. The Office complete second series on VHS for anybody who's still got grandparents, and U2 A Best of 1990-2000, and Smash Hits the Reuinion, that'll be the stuff you love. Spice Girls are on their, Libery X, Atomic Kitten.

ricky: Karl, do you see that? See, Steve's enthusiastic even though the competition's rubbish the prizes are second rate.

ricky: Steve is going "well not going to punish London", right? "I'm going to big it up". You're there "oh ffff-in well yeah". Know what I mean? C'mon.

steve: Clue one.

karl: Right here's the first one.

karl: Clue one.

ricky: C'mon. Clue one. C'mon!!!!

karl: Shut up.

ricky: C'mon.

karl: Can't do any photos, because it's been nicked by a German.

steve: What!? Right, start again.

ricky: Owwww, crrr what!

steve: Clue one. Rockbusters. Clue one.

ricky: Ok, this is Rockbusters with Karl Pilkington!!! Go!!

karl: I can't do any photos because it's been nicked by a German.

steve: And what's the initial?

karl: AC.

karl: Right?

steve: Next.

karl: Second clue. If you keep eating, this bit of your body will get bigger. PC. PC. It's an artist or a band. Who is it? PC.

karl: If you keep eating, this part of your body will get bigger. Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And, the last one, i'm not really sure about.

karl: Umm...If you....

steve: He's actually winging it now!

steve: Imagine if this was Mastermind! I'm not sure but I know your specialist subject...

ricky: COME ON!

steve: Is uhh...

ricky: OKAY GO!

karl: The place where you go to... take your dog a walk, and that.

ricky: "The durr, the place where you go to take your dog a walk"

karl: Oh forget it then.

ricky: NO DO IT!

steve: Do it!

ricky: DO IT! Guh... you...

ricky: Tim Burgess. Oh my "Corazon" is that? what's that mean?

steve: I've no idea.

ricky: Phone and if you know.

steve: No don't bother.

ricky: Oh email then, at least.

steve: Okay.

ricky: I like to know these things.

steve: Sure. Um, we were doing Rock Busters just before the ads and the record, Rick. I know you were enjoying it.

ricky: Yeah, come on get this clue out, karl, there was three. What is it?

karl: Right. The first one was...

ricky: No. No, we don't want first two. What's the third?

karl: Can't find the photos because it's been nicked by a German. Second one - if you keep eating. If you keep eating this bit of your body will keep getting bigger.

ricky: Yeah... it's different every time. Go on, what's the third one?

karl: Errrm, where you take your dogs for a walk, and that, or you might go there on a Sunday.

ricky: What?

karl: Errm, sort of...


steve: Shut. Just wait a minute. Please. Rick! Just be quiet, for just a moment.

ricky: Right! Okay, do this clue. Right, start from now. This is the third Block Buster. Sorry, Rock Buster clue.

steve: That was a Freudian slip!

ricky: Yeah, God oh we'll get done. Right go on then, go!

karl: Where you take your dog a walk.

karl: Or you might go on a Sunday and that. Erm, people sort of, might taste that area.

karl: Right?

ricky: Oh you are... it's rubbish!

karl: A. P... a. p... a. p....

ricky: Right, well the other one's A. P. as well isn't it? WHAT?

karl: Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk

ricky: A. P.

steve: A quick reminder of them again with the initials. Quick, go.

ricky: Oh this is such rubbish.

karl: The first one - can't do any photos because it's been nicked by a German. Second one - if you keep eating...

steve: What was the initial?

karl: A. C!

steve: Don't get annoyed! That's what... The game's about the initials!

ricky: Yeah.

karl: If you keep eating, (ricky groans) this bit of your body will get bigger, that's P. C.

ricky: Right...

karl: Right, and where you take your dog maybe on a Sunday and go for a walk there and that, have a taste of it.

ricky: Ha, different!

karl: A. P. just email in and you win some stuff.

steve: Ricky.gervaise@xfm.co.uk

ricky: What rubbish, I wonder why we stoped this game.

steve: Well, I think it's probably exhausted and he needs to go to some kind of volcanic dust island.

ricky: With no water! just to dry out and get some new ideas. Ohh, I'd love to see you sitting there, on the, on these went black ash sands. Just sitting there going "I'm thirsty Suzanne. I've finished my Rich Hall book. I can't focus. I'm going blind. I need some water." Oh brilliant!

steve: Bless him.

ricky: Anyway, Happy Christmas. We said we weren't getting nowt, didn't we. Right go on then.

steve: Umm, hh dear, it was the premier... did you see the coverage, it was a premiere of Lord of the Rings part three?

ricky: Oh I can't be bothered.

steve: I mean man alive, I'm sick of Lord of the Rings.

ricky: I watched the first one and I was actually quite... I've never been into all that sort of stuff.

steve: Never liked it.

ricky: Gollum and Dungeons and Dragons and Gatekeepers and weird magic and Harry Potter makes... I want to punch his face in.

steve: I know what you mean!

ricky: But I mean, it's sort of like, oh....

steve: Well Lord of the Rings, when I was at school. If you're into that sort of thing, you are nerdlinger. They would beat you up, they'd shout... heckle abuse, that's sort of thing. I wasn't a fan.

ricky: I actually don't know anyone who admitted they were into that nonsense.

steve: I know it was shameful. It was embarrassing. Now! the whole world's gone crazy for it!

steve: Crazy for it. Even the tough guys, the hard nuts, the street-wise kids. They're loving it, can't wait for the third one. I see people raving about it. Jonathan Ross and all these people going "it's the best thing i've ever seen. It's 3 hours and 10 minutes of trolls, and goblins, and magic spell, and large feet and magic rings - i'm loving all the crap". What's wrong with you people!?

ricky: I know. "I will smite you with my sword".

steve: Yeah. It's just

ricky: Yeah.

steve: It's just interminable! The orcs and the norcs and the-

ricky: I saw some people playing this game. They had a big manual and a dice and they're in a pub and they all had.... they'll fat with beards, right?

ricky: And he threw a dice, he went, looked down, and went, and he said something like "I'm outside of...3 miles to Monroe". And they went " Oh, well done". I wanted to say "what is this game".

steve: Yeah it's exactly what i'm talking. Well they showed some coverage of the Lord of The Rings premiere on tv, and there were people dressed up as some of the characters.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There was a girl there chatting saying "well i just think Gollum's hilarious". What!? People talking about, telling me Gollum is hilarious in this new film. How is he funny!? "My precious, oooh my precious". What's funny about this? I'm losing it.

steve: I'm genuinely.

ricky: Is he like Yoda?

steve: I don't know, i've no i-, I don't know what the joke is. I'm missing it all. And when the walking tree started talking. Oh man alive.

ricky: Gollum's the little one? That looks a bit like Ghandi?

steve: Yeah exactly. Yeah, computer animated Ghandi.

ricky: Is that alright?

steve: Yeah, i think that's how it's described in the book. But this is the other thing, they go "Oh Tolkein, JRR Tolkein, he's a genius. You know he created his own language?". Whoopee, Karl comes up with a new word every week that he's made up.

steve: He's not a genius!!

ricky: Yeah. That bloke...the bloke. A look of frightnenness came across his face.

steve: That was it.

ricky: Frightnenness. Yeah. Karl's new word. Although you know Shakespeare introduced 1200 words the English language, apparently.

steve: Well, he was a genuis.

ricky: It's estimated. And I know one of them.

steve: Yeah. What wa-

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Brilliant?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: How did come up with that?

ricky: I don't know.

steve: I reckon he was, maybe he was reading Macbeth and went "I'll tell you this. This is brilliant"

ricky: Yeah, and his wife said "what?"

steve: "This is brilliant, i'll tell you this, this is absolutely brilliant."

ricky: "I don't know what you mean, Will"

steve: "Ohh sort of,

steve: "better than good. Read it, see what you think".

ricky: "Well it's good, yeah, but i mean".

steve: "Read it again".

ricky: "Well, it's getting better each time".

steve: "Is it brilliant?".

ricky: "It is brilliant".

steve: "Yeah" see.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don't know how you...just...when the audience was there on that first night.

ricky: Oh, not it wasn't brilliant, no it wasn't brilliant. It was 'excellent' that he came up with.

steve: Oh, fair enough it's the same sort of thing.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But on the first night, when everyone was in the theatre, you know, the dregs - the Karl's of the Middle Ages. They're still sat there, the Renaissance i should say, they're all sat there, watching it. They're enjoying the play. They're loving it. All the kinds of people dressing up or whatever. The boys playing the girls, the girls not involved, all the rest of it d-d-d-d-d.

steve: Loving it. "I'm loving this, it's absolutely, oh he's going to kill her". D-d-d-d-d. "Forsooth, it was excellent". "I don't know what that means".

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "You've lost me. I'm shooting off."

ricky: Yeah. "Excellent". "What? It was what?". "Well, you know, excellent, innit?".

steve: I don't see how you can make up words. It's like, it doesn't seem that that's...that doesn't count in poetry.

ricky: Well i suppose you have to don't you? Eventually. If you want to describe something.

steve: Why? Just use words that exist.

ricky: No, but that's why we borrow from other languages. There are certain phrases that can't be translated, because there are no words in other languages for them.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: I mean

ricky: I think we beat the second language by about double, I think in English we have got about, I think, Russian is second, but I think we got twice as many words. So there are obviously things that we say that cannot really be translated.

steve: Yeah

ricky: And so, you know, ours is just great for obviously poetry and...

steve: It makes sense when you think about things like blancmange.

ricky: Blancmange is good yeah!

steve: That would be like "wobbly pudding".

ricky: I know

steve: In English.

ricky: But I think if ever - I don't know how many there are some[inaudible] - say there's about a hundred thousand possibilities, right?

ricky: I think we probably know, as educated people like us Steve, We probably have about 20,000.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Right? I really don't think we need that other 80,000.

steve: No (laughing)

ricky: I can't, I'm not walking around going. I don't know what they're talking about. I'm really... what did he say? what is that? I mean that happens possibly once or twice a year when I go - "wh... sorry. What does that what does that mean?"

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? - Karl you look bored mate? We had a real conversation there...

steve: I think he switched off when I said "forsooth"

ricky: Bruce Forsooth, you know him!

ricky: (Bruce Forsyth impression) "alright, alright, so much better than last week!", you know him, don't you, Karl?

karl: Put a song song on, yeah?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah bored? Okay. There's a monkey, right?

steve: Ah ok now he's perked up.

ricky: It was a professor of English,

ricky: No Blue Sky - The Thorns, that's beautiful, isn't it on Xfm 104.9 Karl!

ricky: You're losing your rag a little bit. What's the matter?

karl: Nothing go on, Steve...

ricky: What's the matter, no go on what's the matter?

steve: I've got something to cheer him up. Someone's e-mailed in - Emma's emailed in. She said that for those that know, those in the know, they refer to Lanzarote as Lanza grotty.

ricky: He's a bit fed-up, he's got two CDs for Christmas from a company that's been with just six years. He's a little bit grumpy, about having to answer the phones.

ricky: He wouldn't go and make Steve another cup of tea immediately.

steve: Selfish.

ricky: Yeah! Karl what you thinking?

karl: Nothing, go on what are we doing?

ricky: Come on Karl, you get paid for this - (clapping) PROJECT. OUT.

steve: We'll take one of those CDs away.

karl: Alright.

steve: What were we talking about? Lord of the Rings.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Sick of it, as I say. Um, so there's people dressed up on TV. They were dressed up as the characters. They were... they're sort of costumes. There's a guy I went to University with, I don't to mention his name - went into his room once, he is into that sort of thing, in the... he showed me his wardrobe. We had a full-size Star Trek outfit.

steve: That him mum had made for him.

ricky: That him mum had made for him!

steve: But I wanted to say - well A why are you taking it to University but B, when are you going to wear that?

ricky: Yeah!

steve: When are you ever in the mood to wear that?

ricky: Whoa, you know, you never know when uhh, you know, like in Apollo 13 was it when someone had measles or something. Someone else go it.

steve: Sure.

ricky: So he might go - oh, I can't believe it.

steve: Yeah

ricky: I can't believe it. The Enterprise ayyeeye. Uhura can't make it.

steve: But it's the idea of that being, you know, I'm not want to speak, but it's that idea of that being attractive to women because that's presumably generally when you're at university when you're 18 - 19. That's the reason you wear these kind of clothes, is to try and make a bond with someone, isn't it? Try and establish some kind of connection.

steve: I saw walk down the street the other day, must have been 18, 19. Wearing, and on his T-shirt just had a picture and the words 'Star Wars Phantom Menace'.

ricky: Ohh-eee- he th- probably like...

steve: Just imagine a girl going "yeah well i like them as well".

ricky: Yeah-aha.

steve: Yeah well it's supposed to kind of kooky and eclectic, t-shirts aren't they, normally. They're supposed to be a bit sort of radical, and a bit off-beat.

ricky: My favourite though, are, i love fat Goths.

steve: Yes.

ricky: I really love fat Goths.

steve: Who are still persevering with it? Even into their 30s?

ricky: Yes. Yeah. I like the fat young ones. I love fat 18 year old Goths. I really like them.

ricky: They're one of my favourites. And I like 42 year-old Goths.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Who, they're losing all their hair. They're just growing it at the back. But you know, I don't know what job they do. But, well their main hobby is looking like Nosferatu and wearing lots of silverware.

steve: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yes. That's that's one of my favourites.

steve: I think i've mentioned this to you before, i saw a girl on the tube. She had a bag, she was quite gothy, and it sort of had a barbie's head kind of sort of defaced, and loads of badges and tassles and little motifs and odd things..

steve: Like you know, like 'legalise cannabis', 'ban the bomb', you know, and 'stop the war'.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know, i just wanted to grab here ands say "are you doing much about the war? Or are you working mainly on the bag?".

ricky: Yeah, you've spent most of the year embroidering.

steve: Are you filling the petitions? Are you doing the marches?

ricky: Yeah. Collecting badges.

steve: Largely the bag you're focused on.

ricky: Oh, dear.

steve: I tell you another thing, a fashion mistake always offends me whenever I see it, is an Englishman of any age wearing cowboy boots.

ricky: I had cowboy boots. I'll tell you.

steve: I can't believe it.

ricky: When I was 18, right, I went out and got a pair of cowboy boots. The cheapest, I mean they were the only ones i could afford, awful.

steve: Why? Is that because you-

ricky: I mean they were like clogs that came up to the knee. They were so uncomfortable.

steve: And why did you get them? What who was wearing them at the time that you looked at and you thought they were cool?

ricky: Clint Eastwood. I had cowboy boots, i put seggs in them.

steve: What seggs?

ricky: The little things you nail into the bottom.

steve: That makes it go clip clip?

ricky: Clip clop, right. So i'm 18, right. Those. Tight jeans.

ricky: So tight in fact, I thought i had- i had to go to the doctor, and i said "my balls are aching". And i went, and i said "oh i've got a pain in my epididymis" and all this because i was doing Biology. And he went "you're jeans are too tight that they're squashing your balls". Right? Ah- so i had cowboy boots, right. And pale ones, not even sort of like finished properly. Sort of like just the raw sort of leather, cheap wooden bits at the bottom - seggs. Really tight Levi's and a red sweatshirt with 'bullshit' on it - that was a present.

ricky: I looked pretty hot bey-beeey. Oh yeah. Yeah. I er, And i remember once, as well. This is really embarrassing. I had a leather jacket.

steve: How old were you?

ricky: This is embarrassing. 26, I think. I had a nice leather jacket, right. But i was bored one day. And, so it's about 1986-87.

steve: Yep.

ricky: 87, it must have been. And i just painted on the lapel, a little "aciiiid".

ricky: And that didn't last.

steve: Were you going to acid house raves at the time?

ricky: No, of course not. No, no. But I remember, I remember that one didn't last long. That was in bottom of the wardrobe immediately.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I knew at the time. I just thought what the fu-!? What is that!?

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: But i forgi- i forgive anyone, sort of anything up to the age of about 25, right.

steve: Ffff, i don't know.

ricky: But i mean, it's getting close there yeah. But certainly up to the age 20. But it's the 40 year olds. It is is 40 year olds.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah , yeah.

ricky: That just still have a little, have a little go.

ricky: Goths are the best. Goths are the best.

steve: Goths, or the cowboy stuff. Because there's never been a culture of cowboys in this country.

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: You see the forty year old guy with the kind of cowboy jacket with the tassles.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know or the boot lace tie.

ricky: Yeah, had that. Had that, had that. yeah. Went through that, yeah. Did all that, yeah.

steve: Because you've been through most phases, this is what's interesting to me about you. You see now you're quite self aware.

ricky: But the most committed one was probably the new romantic, when i first went to university. So, er, you know, 18. Red bullshit t-shirt, and tight jeans. Within a couple of months - David Sylvian, just full make up and tha- that.

steve: Yeah. Can I ask.

steve: Having never really subscribe to one of those fashions.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: One of those styles, with something like new romantic, which you've got be quite committed. Do you ease into that slowly? Start wearing a bit of nail polish, maybe an earring And then maybe, or you went whole hog?

ricky: No, i remember the first time i did it. Was sort of like the first disco in my first year. I just borrowed someone's makeup. Put it on stopped at the chin. Hadn't quite got the- sort of like a mannequin.

steve: Right?

ricky: And then I sort of got better at it I suppose.

steve: Right?

ricky: Wanted to look like David Sylvian. That was the idea.

steve: So you had to literally had to

steve: Go out and sort of start again with your wardrobe? Presumably? The cowboy boots went out, the tight jeans. You had to literally go to the shop and buy a new outfit? A new romantic outfit?

ricky: No, it was ok, because in those days it was a suit.

steve: Right.

ricky: So, new romantic, you wore the suit.

steve: Oh, ok.

ricky: I didn't, I didn't wear all the sort of like pirate gear and pixie boots.

steve: Right.

ricky: I sort of wore the suit, and the-, and luckily, i'd, before i went away i'd bought a suit from my mum's catalogue. Which was one of those woollen ones, that went bobbly. So not quite David Sylby.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But, yeah, you know. At least i was having a go.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Well. Respect.

steve: Have you ever subscribed to any of those fashions, Karl?

karl: Errr, nah, just err-

ricky: Just going for the gay look now aren't you? Wears Ben Shermans and he shaves his head.

karl: I remember wanting some Dr Martens.

steve: Mmhmm.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And me mum worked at a college, in a canteen. And she knew i wanted some, but she got some err- there was an old woman who worked in the canteen who said she had some. And it turned out to be like little granny boots. And i ended up having them for a bit.

steve: With a little zip up the front?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Nice.

ricky: Ohhhhhh. Brilliant. Did you wear them?

karl: For a bit.

ricky: Yeah. Might as well - want no-...waste not want not. Play a record.

karl: Have some ads.

ricky: Alright.

ricky: White Stripes. The Hardest Button to Button. Steve. I've got to find out the answer.

steve: Mmhmm.

ricky: It's been driving me mad. How many words are there in the English language? Does anyone know?

steve: Define your terms. By 'English language',d'you mean English words, words considered to be English?

ricky: Yeah, i don't mean how many words are there in a dictionary, with all slang, different d-errr. How many, how many English words are there. That you'd say were

ricky: English words, y'know. Not, not, not.

steve: But there's so many of them which are derived from-

ricky: Yeah. Not phrases. Not slang, necessarily. Not, not-

steve: But what about English words which are derived from French, Celtic, all the rest of it?

ricky: Well. 'Cliche' is ok. But they have loads...they have other languages in them. How many different English characters are there?

steve: Right.

ricky: Cause' I-

karl: I-I

ricky: I

karl: There was some news

steve: Words, not characters.

karl: There was some news.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Some news a few weeks ago, about, er, a fella

karl: Who could - if you said a word to him, right? He'd say "yeah, that's on page 36 of the dictionary", right? And they said he remembered 80,000 words, right. So that's in a little dictionary.

karl: They said it's 80,000 words.

steve: Mmhm.

karl: Right, so does that clear that up?

ricky: Well, I thought there was about a hundred thousand, right, English words.

ricky: In use. Not counting all the- the other little bits and pieces, phrases, slang. Like I think "aiiight" is there now. Ali G. popular now. I don't know whether I should count that or not.

steve: Well, if you're one of our listeners perhaps if you know somebody who finished school, you can maybe pop next door get them ask them and then email in the answer. Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk if you've got an answer for that. Talking of email correspondence. Rockbusters.

steve: Rick, is underway.

ricky: Have we got Monkey News?

steve: People are absolutely loving that.

karl: Let's see if we can cram it in.

ricky: Have we got a film?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: We should do that then.

karl: Well hang on - do Rockbusters.

steve: Let's finish one thing, and move on. Jesus, calm down.

karl: Right.

steve: Rockbusters.

karl: Right, we err, let's get this third one out the way. Cause' it's tricky. Ummmm.

ricky: When you say tricky-

steve: It's tricky to say.

karl: The initials were AP. It was: You take your dog-

ricky: Well you take your dog out n' that on Sunday, oh oh or oh.

steve: C'mon then! Rick! Let him finish.

karl: You take your dog there.

karl: You might go there on a Sunday. Errr. Have a taste of it when you're there. Right, that was AP.

steve: The answer?

karl: Alex Parks. Right. Alex-

steve: Alex Parks.

karl: Yeah. Kind of doesn't work that one.

ricky: Karl. Do- bu'

karl: That one doesn't work, i know.

ricky: I-i-i

karl: I know.

ricky: You know. You know that one doesn't work?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Ok, good. Ok. Well that's-

karl: That's what i was trying to work out when you were messing around.

ricky: What do you mean, messing around?

karl: That's why it isn't that good.

steve: Ok, c'mon. No. The other ones.

karl: The first one was. err. The German fella-

ricky: This is going to be brilliant.

karl: Can't do any photos, cause' it's been nicked.

ricky: What's that?

steve: The German fella can't do any photos cause' it's been nicked?

karl: That was errrr. Er.

steve: The initials were?

karl: AC.

ricky: I've got it.

karl: I took-

rick: Right, it's. It's Aztec Camera.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: But what's that got to do with a German fella nicking it?

karl: Cause' the way he'd say it. He'd be like, you know " Az took Camera". So why aren't you taking any pictures? Can't, why? "Aztec Camera".

ricky: Why is that German?

karl: Just sounds a bit-

ricky: Right. You know that one's rubbish then as well. You know that one doesn't work do you?

karl: And the second one, was, er. If you keep eating.

karl: A Bit of your body will get bigger. P.C. Yeah - Phil, Phil Colon.

karl: Phil Phil Phil col... Phil.

ricky: It's... honestly! Right Karl.

karl: Phil Colons.

ricky: I honestly - and I don't know the PC term for this - but I honestly think...

ricky: I think you're quite bright and I think you're quite streetwise and those sorts of things, but... I actually think...

ricky: Oh I've got to be so careful here not to offend people. But I think you might be...

steve: Could you maybe describe it through a sound?

ricky: Erm, you might be educationally subnormal.

ricky: Does that worry you? No?

karl: I've got, you know, I've got by all right. I'm not going to worry about it now, you know what I mean - I'm 30. Know what I mean? Why I start worrying about it now?

steve: But you've got the mind of a 12-year old.

karl: So what? know what I mean?

steve: Sure.

karl: I don't worry about stuff. If you don't know about stuff you don't worry about it.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So I'm happy.

steve: Well if he's educationally subnormal I'm afraid also Matt Briggs of South East London is as well, because he got all three right. As did a number of other people.

ricky: Well done Matt!

steve: Yeah

karl: So he's won that stuff.

steve: He has indeed. Play record We've also got that film quiz coming up and Monkey News, we're all looking forward to that.

ricky: Monkey News...

karl: Bit of Bowie?

ricky: Yeah! one of my favorite Bowie songs of all time - Letter to Hermione from Space Oddity.

steve: If you going Christmas shopping do that now.

ricky: Letter to Hermione, David Bowie. Well, we've had the most convincing answer, that it's about 290,000 actual words.

ricky: But possibly three million in our vocabulary using all jargon and scientific stuff and all that. 290,000 - still a lot isn't it?

steve: It is a lot.

ricky: We know so little don't we.

steve: Apparently the average person has about 20,000 words in the vocabulary and uses maybe two thousand a week.

ricky: Really?

steve: Yeah.

steve: Karl obviously slightly bringing that average down.

ricky: Karl, what do you think of that?

steve: Single figures...

karl: Doesn't matter - I get by. Why have you got to use longer words? Messing about and that. Told you, that word about old - anti-dipoean or something - just say old. That's a bit old isn't it? That's a bit anti-d-d-d-b-dean. And that, what's the point? Yeah get to the point. Busy.

ricky: Right okay. Are you in a film this week Karl?

karl: Err, we doing that now?

ricky: Yeah go on, get it over with. Lets get show show over with, we can go home, you can go off the Lanzarote and sit on some ash.

steve: Some charcoal.

ricky: He's not happy about that, that's annoyed him. The listeners have all ganged up on him.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Xfm giving him two CDs.

steve: We've had more calls for his resignation this week than ever before. What do you think of that karl?

karl: What do you mean?

steve: There's another reason.

ricky: Do you know what I mean though? Because he's grumpy. He's not just giving it, he goes "well I can't help it can I".

ricky: You're paid WELL to do a job. People have tuned in to be entertained, to have good songs, me and Steve are working here.

karl: I'm pressing the buttons. I'm paid to press the buttons. That's what I'm doing. Has every CD started on time? Yes.

ricky: Why would they give you Monday off if you're just paid to press the buttons?

karl: I don't get every Monday off, do it?

ricky: So have you stopped doing that now, have you?

karl: Well, yeah.

ricky: Why

karl: 'Cuz there's work to do and that. But I'm not moaning about it. Let's get on with it. Right Scrooge, right, is the film that I'm in. I thought I'd do a Christmassy one.

steve: Okay.

karl: Right.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Get people in the Christmas mood and that.

ricky: Yeah! You have, yeah. You have got people in the Christmas mood.

karl: Um...

ricky: You're like Santa, visiting them.

karl: Alright. So... listen...

steve: It's you in the film Scrooge.

karl: Yeah, just...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Which version of Scrooge?

karl: The old one.

ricky: Is it... if it's just you moaning with bells, I'll be annoyed. Right, go on then.

steve: That is essentially Scrooge.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Right, Scrooge, listen to this, and then there's some question at the end...

ricky: Alright.

karl: ... and you can win some stuff and that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Yeah.

scrooge: You're late.

karl: Only... only twenty minutes.

scrooge: What do you mean by coming in here at this time of day? Hmm?

karl: I've just... I've just been doing some Christmas shopping, haven't I?

karl: Probably do some more shopping on Monday 'cause... it's my day off, innit?

scrooge: Yes, I know it is, you don't have to tell me.

karl: Do you want to see what I've bought Suzanne?

scrooge: No, thank you.

karl: I don't mind showing you, it's only... only a Christmas present, innit.

karl: Bought her some more, uh... bought her some more condoms.

scrooge: Why?

karl: Well, I bought her some last year, got her two boxes. Uh... they all got used, so.

scrooge: I am very glad to hear it.

scrooge: How much do I pay you?

karl: Why are you asking... the presents I buy her's got nothing to do with what I earn. Like I say, if, uh... if I won the lottery, I wouldn't go mental on her, do you know what I mean? I probably wouldn't even tell her because I think she'd wanna travel 'round the world and all that, and I'm not into that to be honest, so... I'd probably keep it quiet.

scrooge: Why?

karl: Well...

karl: ... once you've been 'round the world, where do you go next year?

karl: Each to their own though innit, do you know what I mean?

scrooge: Well, what do you want?

karl: What... what, for Christmas? Not that fussed, really. And it's just as well I'm not that fussed, 'cause do you know how I do some work at, um... at XFM? Do you know what they're giving me for... for Christmas present?

scrooge: Nothing?

karl: No. Might as well have been nothing. Um... two CDs.

karl: That's it.

karl: I was well fed up.

scrooge: I'm sure you were.

karl: They give you a list of about thirty albums, and you get to pick two off the list. So I've gone for, um... Kings of Leon album and, uh... the Best of Bob Marley.

scrooge: Mr. Marley has been dead these seven years. In fact, he died seven years ago this very day.

karl: Did he?

karl: Do you know, uh... do you know what sort of doughnuts Bob Marley likes?

scrooge: It is not my business.

karl: No, it's... it's not a proper question, it's an old Peter Kay joke - he likes the ones with Jammin'.

karl: Do you get it?

karl: Garlic bread!

karl: It's good, innit.

steve: Excellent.

ricky: Oh... Karl.

steve: Karl in Scrooge there.

steve: The only man more mean and depressed, generally, than Ebenezer Scrooge.

ricky: (laughing) Oh dear... Oh god...

steve: What's the question Karl?

karl: Err, well if people have been listening from the start, right? What albums am I getting. Is that good?

ricky: Good yeah.

karl: What albums am I getting... for working for this place FOR SIX YEARS. Alright.

steve: Ricky dot gervais at Xfm dot co dot uk.

ricky: Snow Patrol and Run on Xfm. Well, nearly your last show, Karl, for about three weeks (pretends to laugh) next week, we're doing with the Ian Camfield next Saturday, then we're off because it's the day after Boxing Day, isn't it? The 20... Yeah, and then we're back on the 3rd I think I'll, all together.

karl: (dejected) Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, what have you got? I think we should have done something like some round-ups like cheeky freak of the week. We could have done cheeky freak of the year. What's your freak of the year Karl? If I put it to you?

karl: What out of all the ones that found out about?

ricky: Yeah all the ones there have ever been. Yeah. Well no you can have the Elephant Man in there that you found out about the end of the [inaudible]-ing century so. Go on.

karl: Errrrm.

karl: Watched The Elephant Man again last week.

ricky: Good?

karl: Yeah loved it. Erm, Probably that one. The kid who was like...

karl: Like 7 but aged to about 38 that's pretty weird that amazed me that sort of blew me mind.

ricky: No, it was worse than that - she was about 90 or something wasn't she? Had the....

karl: She is now. But, but... back then...

ricky: Oh! couple of month ago she was 38 but because of the aging... is now but bowl a couple months ago. She was 38 but because of the aging...

karl: She's sort of aged fast and that. It was really..

ricky: This is the one that you think should be allowed to get fags and beer in an off license because she's got the body of a ninety-year-old?

karl: Well, yeah, it's only fair let her have a decent life.

ricky: Even though she's six?

karl: If she wants a packet of fags. The doctor said, you know, you're older than that, even though you're six you are sort of 72. If she wants a packet of fags let her have 'em.

ricky: She was 72 in September wasn't she? Yeah. Yeah.

karl: So... But it was that...

ricky: Do you actually think that would be a good idea to give a six-year-old with and aging disease a packet of fags and a...

karl: If that's what they want!

ricky: And a pint of Tennants.

karl: All the stress and that she goes through. It was saying something about how she has to have a passport picture done every three months or something.

karl: Do you know what I mean? That's what she's dealing with. So that was probably the weirdest.

ricky: Could we just say that Karl doesn't take the micky out of these freaks. Uh, these people. He...

karl: I just, you know, it's things that fascinate me at the end of the day.

ricky: Yeah

karl: Things like that are weird, and things that I mean there's certain things that people get excited about that I think "what are you getting excited for?"

ricky: Like what?

karl: Erm... news, just news. D'you know how I normally do the headlines and that?

ricky: Yeah, have we got any headlines?

karl: Not really because there isn't that much going on.

ricky: Isn't there?

karl: That... this is what annoyed me though, there was something about a woman who's going up Everest on a bike.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Do you know what I mean? And they were like "oh, brilliant", but I don't think that's that good. When someone's done it walking... doing it on a bike's easier, won't it.

ricky: Where would the... where would the woman... where would the woman who complained about you come? In the year's chart?

steve: That's the...

karl: What do you mean?

steve: Yeah, that's the woman with the enormous head.

steve: Lest we forget.

karl: Yeah.

steve: She took offence to some of the comments you made on the show, and rightly so.

karl: I can...

ricky: Yeah, quite rightly so, yeah.

karl: ... yeah, I can understand, I was out of order. And, you know... so I'm sorry about that.

steve: Mmhm.

ricky: Yeah. Well yeah, well, I just wanna explain again that Karl... I mean, it was a... it was a... it's... Freak of the Week is sort of like more of a punchy catchphrase than... than a derogatory term.

steve: Mm.

ricky: And Karl's fascination and childlike... I mean, I think we'd have to include Karl in the roundup.

steve: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: I mean, he'd be... certainly be in the top ten.

steve: Well I think the fact... I think the fact that she didn't sort of...

steve: ... pursue any official complaints means that, you know, she's a bigger person than you, Karl...

ricky: Yeah. Really.

karl: Yeah... well... well...

ricky: 'Cause, you know...

steve: ... certainly, you know...

ricky: Well, you know, so...

steve: ... head-wise...

steve: ... she is... um... Karl, you were gonna do some news stories, I think.

karl: What do you want? Well, like I say, there hasn't been that much going on...

steve: Sure.

karl: ... there's this story about a fella who, uh... hasn't eaten for seventy years.

steve: Right.

karl: Uh...

steve: He hasn't eaten, is that all... that's all the information you're gonna give us?

karl: Yeah, hasn't eaten for seventy years...

steve: Okay.

karl: ... uh... hasn't had a drink, but he's alright.

ricky: That's rubbish then. Next.

karl: It's not rubbish.

ricky: Yeah, is, yeah.

steve: Pass me the story.

karl: Uh...

ricky: Next. Well, what... well what is... how is that? How has a man not eaten or drank for seventy years?

karl: It's that thing, innit? Your belly gets used to it, or something.

ricky: Steve. Has he misinterpreted it or is it rubbish?

steve: It... well, it, to be honest with you, it doesn't actually offer any explanation, it just says that... that's what happened.

ricky: Right, so that's rubbish.

steve: It doesn't... it doesn't go on to anything else.

ricky: Next.

karl: Um... a woman's had six organs transplanted. Um...

karl: ... woman needed a new kidney, a new heart, a new stomach, a new liver... uh... new kidney... intestine...

steve: Does that mean that she's the same woman?

karl: I know.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: You'd just say "forget it", wouldn't you?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Wouldn't you, though?

ricky: Well, not really. You know, the organ is just a... lump of tissue...

karl: If you're that... if you're that knackered, call it a day, I reckon.

karl: Don't waste time with that.

ricky: Yeah. Good. Good advice.

karl: And there's a woman... there's a woman who, um... who hasn't slept for eight years as well.

ricky: Well that's impossible.

karl: Again... do you want to see that, Steve...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Let's have a look at this...

karl: So that's... that's the news for the week.

ricky: Yeah... all rubbish... next...

karl: Turn off now.

ricky: Next... do you wanna apologise once more for anyone you might have offended over the year?

karl: Yeah, like I say, I always... I never want to upset anyone.

ricky: No, he's just... just...

karl: We're just chatting about stuff that's fascinating to me.

ricky: ... he's just chatting, it's from the heart, you've seen something, you say "oh, that looks a bit like so-and-so", or "isn't it a bit...", you're not really, you know...

karl: Mm.

ricky: ... you don't really try and hurt anyone's feelings, do you?

karl: But I think... I think most people know that.

ricky: And I mean... and I've gotta apologise for laughing at anything...

ricky: I actually can't help it. Again it's not vindictive. But when Karl comes out with some of the things he says - I, I mean I, it's impossible for me not to laugh or react. So have a Merry Christmas everyone.

steve: Well before that Rick, is there some final - for the year - Monkey News?

karl: Tell you what, let's play a good song. We'll have a bit of Monkey News, and then that's it.

ricky: A bit of Amy Mann then, brilliant this one.

ricky: No choice in the matter by Amy Mann on Xfm 104.9. Well now it's, it's monkey news.

steve: Well before Monkey News, Rick, can I just mention to people if they enjoyed that version of Free Love Freeway that we played earlier on the show - the kind of old country version.

ricky: Yeah. That was by Ben O'Sullivan and hopefully if you check out his website, if you're interested, you probably can download something or maybe all the tell you when he's gonna release it. That's benosullivan.com - one word. benosullivan.com. Good luck to Ben. Happy new Christmas to him and new year best of.

ricky: Rearrange these words into a well-known phrase from the time of year, initials, MC.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Okay.

steve: Play the jingle.

ricky: Oh!... what is it?

steve: Chimpancy that.

ricky: Oh yeah - Chimpancy that, monkey news.

karl: Right well the last one of the year, it's not that good. But this is all that's been going on all week.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Little monkey. What happened is, it's this plane right Aeroflot. I think it is. Russian airline. Having a good having, a good flight. Everything's going normal and that.

ricky: This is going to be libellous. The pilot. Sorry, I mustn't interrupt must I - How tall was the pilot on this flight?

steve: Okay, listen, we've have a few complaints. People saying...

ricky: But!

steve: Don't interrupt... don't interrupt!

ricky: But steve!

steve: Don't interrupt.

ricky: Okay, okay I won't then.

steve: It's like the weather girl complaining while Trevor McDonald's doing...

ricky: Okay, alright then. Go on then.

karl: Right. So err, you know. The flights going well, food has been served and all the rest of it. Anyway, someone gets upset about not having any nuts.

steve: All right, they've not got enough nuts.

karl: They hand the nuts out, and that. One of the, sort of, passengers is going mental because -

ricky: What's he saying?

karl: He's just...

ricky: What language is he talking is he Russian or English?

karl: So anyway, there's a bad fight going on stuff fight starts happening. People are going what's up with that little fella?

ricky: The little hairy bloke?

karl: So they sort of drag him...

ricky: What's wrong with Bob Hoskins? And why is he screaming? Why isn't he talking this usual Cockney accent? Why is Bob Hoskins screaming and grabbing at nuts?

karl: So... you've ruined it now.

steve: Come on come on!

karl: Forget it!

ricky: Ohhh, what have I ruined?

steve: Right, Rick. Turn his microphone off so he can't interrupt you.

ricky: Okay.

karl: So anyway, so there's a fight going on. Nuts are going everywhere. Right? So, anyway, so they managed to tie him down. They get him on the floor, tie his legs up that right.

ricky: His little legs.

karl: Get him to... (laughs)

karl: See you later, have a good Christmas!

steve: No! Karl how dare you! Finish the story!

karl: All that happened is they got back, and it turned out...

karl: That he shouldn't have been on the plane anyway.

ricky: Why?

karl: His passport wasn't valid.

ricky: Right.

karl: And you can't cause problems on planes 'n that, so he got put in a cell for a bit, turns out it was a little monkey.

karl: Alright?

steve: Quick question. How did he complain about the shortage of nuts?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He's just going mental.

steve: Right, he didn't actually call over a stewardess.

ricky: How did he, how, what did he get on the plane first, what ticket did he have?

karl: Have a good Christmas and that.

ricky: But you know it's rubbish! You must know that's rubbish. You must know that's rubbish.

karl: Alright, alright, all the best!

ricky: You must know that's rubbish.

steve: Where is he going?

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