The Ricky Gervais Show

XFM Vault - S03E08 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

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ricky: 'Comfort and Sound' by Feeder on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant.

steve: Hello there.

ricky: But no Karl Pilkington.

steve: No Karl.

ricky: He's in Lanza-grotty.

steve: Lanza-grotty as we speak.

ricky: But we have got a very, very special stand-in, it's Camfield. Say hello.

camfield: I am so excited to be here. It's been, you know, the things I've learned in the last 10 minutes before we've even gone on air, like you don't have a theme tune.

ricky: I don't have a theme tune, I don't wear headphones.

camfield: Exactly.

ricky: Ian wears headphones with a pre-amp. He's got three midgets just brought in his backline.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Um, they're called Dog, Mongo and Blitzkrieg. That Blitzkrieg is up on the, up there like eating a banana.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And uh, he is the king of rock, the new king of rock.

steve: Well a lot of people...

ricky: Um, the prince, he's the prince of rock, obviously Vance is the king of rock. But it, we'll be doing that. We'll be working out who, over this, um. And by the way Camfield, I don't want the Ian Camfield that does XFM and going,'And it's fast approaching 1:23, here's Ash.' I want the Camfield that goes, 'I snorted ants with Lemmy.' Okay, so, we want the real Camfield.

camfield: All right. I brought in Metal Christmas, is that alright?

ricky: Yeah.

camfield: That's my only request from this show, that we do play Paul Di'Anno's version of 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town'.

ricky: Di-anno. That'll be a...

camfield: The rest, the rest is up to you.

ricky: Yeah, we're going to play some Christmas tunes. We're going to play some, you know, our favourite hits of the year. But mainly this is the Rock program, this is the Rock program.

steve: What worries me Rick is there's a lot of people who listen to our show and they don't really, they're not regular XFM listeners. They just kind of crawl out of their morphine stupor.

ricky: They're not regular people. (laughs)

steve: On a Saturday afternoon, put the show on. So they might not be filiar, they might not be familiar with Ian's work.

ricky: Well Ian Camfield is a young man. He's been in uh.

steve: He's about 14.

ricky: He's been in radio. It's weird he's 14 but he's been in radio for, 15 and a half years.

steve: Yeah, extraordinary.

ricky: He was weaned on the milk of Vance.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right. And he's gonna to be the new, he's gonna to be the new Rock god aren't you?

camfield: Well, I'm trying.

ricky: Yeah. No, no DJ Camfield. Just go, 'Yeah.' Right. And over the, over the two hours, um I want to work out the four pillars of rock, right? I want four names, four pillars of rock, alright.

ricky: Huge rock pillars, and then I want the king who stands astride them like the Archangel of Metal. So we'll be asking Ian, every time we'll be asking, 'who's your first pillar of rock?' And then you know, keeping the one that stands astride them. Okay?

camfield: And how many do we need?

ricky: Well, we need five names then don't we, the four pillars of rock and who stands astride them, right? Okay?

camfield: Like the overlord with these Axe Attack albums.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, this is Oasis, 'Christmas.'

steve: Oasis, doing their version of 'Merry Christmas Everyone'. It's Christmas, it seems only appropriate that we play the occasional Christmas tune, there aren't many decent ones.

ricky: They've great. We will be playing the greatest, not just Christmas, one of the greatest songs of all time, but certainly the greatest Christmas tune of all time. 'Fairytale in New York.'

steve: Is that going to be the um, the version done by what's his name, out of 'Boy Zone'.

ricky: Has he done one?

steve: Yeah

ricky: Who did i-?

steve: Cause he's lived the hard, Rock and Roll life.

ricky: Who, who? What's his name?

steve: What is his name?

ricky: Ronan Keating?

ricky: He wasn't bad on Room 101 actually, I think he's lightened up a little bit.

steve: Good luck to him.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Yeah, he's done well.

ricky: No - yeah.

steve: A lot of people ask me, uh - careful, I'm sure you can, uh - kind of, uh - you've probably got experiences of your own that you might wanna talk about. But uh, people ask me what Ricky's like in real life. And I don't wanna get grotesque, it's Christmas, people are listening, people are eating sandwiches. But he has a flatulence problem, I don't know if you're aware of this. It is --

ricky: It's not a problem.

steve: Right. Well, it is for oth - it is for us.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: I think the problem with Ricky is, Ricky hates to miss out on anything. He's terrified that there's gonna be something going on that he's missing out on, a conversation, a joke, someone falling over, you know. And uh, he's - so he daren't spend any time in the lavatory, 'cause he doesn't - it's too - any period of time he spends in there, he could be missing out on some fun. So, he - he kind of tries to get his lavatory, you know, occupying down - time down to a minimum, an absolute minimum. Plenty of pissing, there's loads of that. But none of the other activity, really, I mean you keep that - really, it's like you're in, you're out. And you - I don't - sometimes, I don't think you've done the full job, Rick.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And today, I tell you this, it was - my eyes were bleeding. It was - it was intense. And I - it's just a word of warning 'cause the kitchen at XFM is out of bounds now. There - no - no one's going in there until the New Year.

ricky: A to J in the library --

steve: The A to J in the record library - I'll tell you this, if - I don't know if, like, Tony Blackburn's in the building --

ricky: His wig'll fall off.

steve: But seriously, the --

ricky: Not that he - no, no, not that he wears a wig. He doesn't wear a wig.

steve: If he - if he - but if he's going down there, maybe he wants to play some Beach Boys, I mean seriously. Forget "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here". Forget - you might've survived in the jungle, Tony. But if you go down there, mate.

ricky: "Tony, would you rather eat a plate of maggots or go and get the Beach Boys?"

steve: Oh, exactly.

ricky: "It's in A to J." "Oh, pop pickers." Jesus Christ.

steve: Exactly. It is absolutely extraordinary down there.

ricky: Oh.

steve: So that's just - be warned.

ricky: But it's Christmas.

steve: Why would Blackburn be listening to this?

ricky: I don't know, he's got - probably doing a bit of Christmas shopping.

steve: Sure.

ricky: And he's out and about, with his - probably got his little, you know, personal stereo on.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And he goes, "Oh, I'll listen to the boys on XFM."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: And he, uh - Camfield, what do you think of it so far?

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah?

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: It's not - not Vance, is it? Okay, who - who is secured as one of the pillars of rock?

camfield: Lemmy.

ricky: Course he is.

camfield: Never changes his boots. Two pairs of trousers. Three shirts.

ricky: Really?

camfield: Yeah.

steve: And he just alternates them, does he?

camfield: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

steve: So he might have the same pair of trousers for two weeks, but --

ricky: Is it - is it true his rider is, uh, a bottle of Jack Daniels and 40 Marlboro?

camfield: Uh, no it's uh - it's like one of those hundred packs.

ricky: No.

camfield: Of - yeah, yeah, yeah. About a hundred packs of Marlboro and he - he, like, keeps them stuck in his boots which don't change. Um, actually I - I think I'm right in saying like that one of the - like, two left boots as well, because one of them did break, so - and he had two pairs but he's now only got one but they, uh - uh he's got - yeah, the - about a hundred Marlboros.

ricky: Well, Lemmy - that is Lemmy then. Lemmy is one of the um - the, uh pillars of rock. What - what - would Phil Lynott get anywhere near this?

camfield: Yeah, he woulda done.

ricky: Let's play some Lizzy then.

ricky: "Don't Believe a Word", Thin Lizzy on XFM 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant and over there, Camfools.

camfield: Is that your impression of me?

ricky: Yeah.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

camfield: The rock one's better.

ricky: The rock one's better.

camfield: Yeah, you shouldn't try and be a DJ.

ricky: Yeah.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: Going out with Diano Tuesday night.

steve: Um, Ian, what uh - I know you - you're keen to know this, Rick. What are your thoughts on XFM? What - get there - let's get behind the facade of Camfield.

ricky: Yeah, what do you think about this? 'Cause we used to have, you know, some conversations that, you know, um --

steve: You've been with XFM since the beginning, haven't you?

camfield: Oh, I've been here forever. Yeah. It's alright, innit? I mean, it's not - it's not quite Magic.

steve: No.

camfield: Got - you know, got me eyes on the - on the - you know, big 105.4 obviously, eventually.

ricky: What, uh, Magic.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: Now, I - do - do you think you'll - you wanna do like a - a rock program on summat like - like Virgin or Radio 1 eventually?

camfield: Nah, nah I don't think so.

ricky: No?

camfield: No.

ricky: What do you wanna do then? What do you want to do?

camfield: I wanna - I wanna start playing stuff like The Eagles and Steely Dan and Bruce Hornsby and the Range, truth be known.

ricky: But you - you'd have to go quite mainstream.

steve: Right. Like, in your bedroom, what --

ricky: But on - but on what sort of platform though because, you know, the good thing about those is they are really popular. They are - I mean, I think The Eagles' Greatest Hits is the biggest selling album of all time now. It's overtaken Thriller.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: So, I mean, that - that - those --

camfield: What, are you saying Iron Maiden aren't popular?

ricky: Uh --

camfield: But I wanna play them.

ricky: -- well, Iron Maiden are actually popular but they've got a very tiny --

camfield: Slipknot, Fear Factory.

ricky: -- fanbase. I mean, Iron Maiden can go to number one with just their fans buying it and then slip away again, can't they?

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: But everyone sort of likes The Eagles, don't they?

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: I mean, I think still. So, you could play - so you could get on, sort of, like Radio - Radio 2 maybe, the rock program on Radio 2. Who does it at the moment? Is there one?

camfield: No, there's not one. Shall we - I should do it --

ricky: Well, okay, well that's - that's - let's --

camfield: I love the way we're talking about my career and other radio stations I could work for. Do you know something I don't?

ricky: No. No.

steve: We're just saying that this place is not --

ricky: Well it's going - it's going down the tube, innit? It's going down the tube. I mean, you're gonna be like - I mean, you're - you - you - you'd abandon a sinking ship, wouldn't ya? You wouldn't hang around, would ya? You wouldn't fiddle as Rome burned?

steve: I mean we - we got a couple of pies cooking in the States, so we're not gonna be here to keep it afloat.

ricky: No.

steve: You know, on the weekends.

ricky: We - we - you know, we wanna take the good guys with us.

camfield: Right.

ricky: So, you know, when this crumbles and they make it into a car park for Capital, I wanna see you on Radio 2 Friday nights, 10 'til 12, pure rock.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Absolutely.

camfield: Right, well, that's the pitch, innit? Friday nights, 10 'til 12. Pure rock.

ricky: Okay, if someone - anyone's listening at the BBC, it's Camfield, he is the new - new Vance.

camfield: Molten metal, maybe.

ricky: Molten metal. That's good.

steve: My only concern with TV work for uh, for Ian is he doesn't look like the obvious rocker. I mean, people are listening, they're probably imagining --

ricky: No, but that's the --

steve: -- long greasy hair, he's got the Slipknot t-shirt.

ricky: But that's the modern look. Lots of modern bands now --

steve: No.

ricky: -- they've got, you know --

steve: I'm not slagging off, I'm just saying I wonder if Vance --

ricky: They've got short hair. It's not all - it's not all long hair and strange beards and tattoos.

camfield: No, the - the days of 'em all looking like Lemmy and smelling like Ricky are well - well and truly gone, you know?

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever had the long hair, have you ever gone in for that?

camfield: No.

steve: Never - never tried that?

camfield: No, no, no. But I've got bullet belts and stuff like that.

steve: Right.

camfield: You know, if you'd have wanted me to dress up, I would've dressed up and brought CDs. I mean, you know, obviously I should've prepared more for this show.

steve: Sure.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: We got - we're gonna play some classic rock, aren't we? I think we're gonna play The Who. Have we got - we got Jump, Van Halen, that's a classic, innit?

camfield: Well, yeah. I think I've got that about five times, on every driving album I've brought in for you.

ricky: Okay. And so --

camfield: Are we gonna play Since You've Been Gone?

ricky: Yes. Yeah. What's next?

camfield: Uh, British Sea Power.

steve: Yeah, I thought we should play a couple of singles that, uh, we've enjoyed over the last year or so and this is one of them. Carry On. Play it, Camfield.

camfield: And don't forget that Paul Di'anno and 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' is coming on as well.

ricky: Paul Di'anno doesn't snort ants, he snorts and [indistinct].

steve: Carry On from - from British Sea Power on XFM 104.9. Not bad at all. Now listen, we should just uh, point out to people that, uh, Karl's away. Now, we always slag him off 'cause he - he provides very little. But --

ricky: And he's an idiot.

steve: Well, exactly, to be fair. But he's obviously off in Lanzagrotty and he's forgotten to tell us what the password is for our email, Rick.

ricky: Idiot.

steve: So we can't get into the email. Uh, so we're now gonna have to use Ian's email instead. ian.camfield@xfm.co.uk if you wanna get in touch.

ricky: You're never gonna have so many emails, Ian.

camfield: Really?

ricky: Yeah.

camfield: Is that right?

ricky: It's - you're gonna be looking at 'em all week, it's gonna be brilliant for ya. You're gonna feel really popular. You know --

ricky: Heat described Karl as a bold little Manc twat.

steve: Nice.

ricky: Karl was going, "Brilliant. Is that allowed? Is that all right?" Bless him, bald little Manc twat is back on the third, isn't he?

steve: Well if there's one thing that that magazine's good at--

camfield: But what was he suggesting, you can't be regionalist?

steve: What?

camfield: Was he suggesting you can't be regionalist? Is that allowed?

ricky: No, I just think it's the familiarity of, it's just 'cause we call him a bald little Manc twat but a national, a national magazine can say that. Oh bless his little round head. Wonder what he's doing now, he's sitting in the ash reading his, reading his Rich Hall book.

ricky: You know, he spend a week when he went to, where was it? St Lucia. He spent a week, right? Throwing sand at crabs.

steve: Yeah, I don't think they've even got crabs, have they? Over there.

ricky: No, I don't know. I don't know what he's gonna, what is he gonna do? Suzanne what if she--

steve: He's gonna be whinging.

ricky: But it's gonna be, Karl must be like a kid where you must sit him in front of a video while you go and make the dinner or something.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: It must be a nightmare to, taking a pet. Has she got a little harness for him?

steve: To be fair though, Rick, I mean, I can't imagine you're much better on holiday. I've always wondered what that must be like 'cause you always need an audience. You've always gotta have someone around that you can perform for, drop your trousers for.

ricky: Annoy.

steve: Annoy. Just generally sing and dance about and Jane's seen it all. She's bored of you. So what, do you just do this to other people on the beach?

steve: Holidaymakers, you can't believe your luck, Ricky Gervais.

ricky: Do you want me to annoy you?

steve: Yeah, exactly.

ricky: I can annoy you for five minutes.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: 'Cause then I get bored myself.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: I'll tell you what. I want some ads and then after that, a Fairytale of New York. The Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl and a Fairytale of New York, brilliant, on XFM 104.9.

steve: That's the song I think, that single-handedly keeps Shane MacGowan in gin for another year.

ricky: It must do well though.

steve: I'm sure it does.

ricky: I absolutely love it, I still love it. I saw it on Top of the Pops 2 and it's just brilliant. I mean, he wasn't great at miming, but it didn't bother me.

steve: Sure.

camfield: He was just miming to a different song, probably.

ricky: Yeah, in his head. It was great.

steve: I had a little visit in the week, Rick, I think you missed out. A little Christmas visit from, I know he's a friend of yours, he's a friend of anybody, he's a friend of the nation.

ricky: Go on.

steve: TV illusionist, Derren Brown.

ricky: Oh, yeah?

steve: Yeah, he's bought a new pad.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And he just came out to tell me about it.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: And it's interesting 'cause--

ricky: Somewhere to keep his guns.

steve: Exactly. And he, I can never know quite of how much, you know, he's just playing with your mind, experimenting, but he was telling me about the place and apparently--

ricky: Did he say he loves you?

steve: He's got a bidet in the house.

steve: And we were discussing bidets because--

ricky: I've never understood them.

steve: I've never got my head around it.

ricky: He's not meant to.

steve: Well, no but I've never, I don't think I've ever met anyone who's used a bidet.

ricky: Oh, Derren Brown does. He's known as the cleanest arse in modern magic.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Shiny, shiny arse, they call him.

steve: But, 'cause we were chatting about it, I don't really know... to be truthful, I don't really know how you use them. I don't--

ricky: Well I assume you just sort of go over it and let--

steve: But do you face the wall with your knees on the on the tile?

ricky: No I think you're too.

steve: Or do you face away from the wall?

ricky: No, it's sorta like you just, I don't ehh

steve: You know it's got the little nozzle.

ricky: Do you sit on it or do you sort of hover above it.

steve: Do you hover above it and just splash things onto the?

ricky: No it's a little jet, isn't it? It does it for you doesn't it?

steve: But is there a jet? This is what I'm wondering, is there a jet of water that goes through, up the crack?

ricky: Yeah it's like, it's like ahh, like a drinking, like a drinking fountain that you used to have in school. Which I'm m m 'member Mister Mellows used to embarrass himself every time. I go, "No, use a bit of leg wear Mr. Mellows, it's not a bidet.

steve: Yeah, we're not at your French, you know, cottage again.

ricky: Yeah(laughs) bidet sounds French.

steve: Well I'm assuming it's French.

ricky: After, you know they're probably so embarrassed about just sorta like squatting over a hole, they go, "Well, at least we can clean it."

steve: Are they, 'cause I haven't been to ahh, I haven't been to France for years, but are they still persevering with the public toilets where its just a hole in the ground.

ricky: They're still going with the, with the, I mean I think they have got...

steve: Has a single Frenchman travelled anywhere else in the world. And seen seen that now you can actually...

ricky: And goes, this is uncomfortable. I know, my trousers go down to...

steve: You can go to Delhi, and I think there's some proper decent porcelain.

ricky: I know, I can't believe it. I think they have got the flush ones now, mainly for the tourists(laughs).

steve: Right. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah

ricky: But yeah, I've never really understood that...

steve: But it's not, you don't go in, it's not like.

steve: 'Cause they're literally crapping into an open sewer aren't they. That's the French approach to the public lavatory. Do they have the bidet next to the hole?

ricky: No, no the toilet is a toilet isn't it?

steve: Right?

ricky: But it's just it's just like it's sorta like its like going in the bottom of a shower with a big hole at the bottom.

steve: Hmm, and just do you, I mean again not wishing to get graphic but do you use the the bidet instead of the toilet paper or is it used in conjunction with or instead of?

ricky: I, I mean, d'you know what, I've honestly never used a bidet.

steve: Because it's not really a working class thing is it, the bidet.

ricky: No, but, well it sort of came in with sorta like umm purpose built houses didn't it. They sort of like shot up all over the, umm, no pun intended, all over the sort of 70's. You know what I mean it was like a, you know in salmon pink there was a toilet sink and bidet. "We won't be using the bidet."

steve: Yeah. Exactly

ricky: "Fill it with ice, put some beer in that. Cause none of my friends washes that arse."

steve: There are people who refuse to touch their, you know, the hole with the hands and they only use a bidet. So if they're at a party and there's no bidet.

ricky: Well Karl doesn't like that like feeling his bollocks for cancer, because he says he doesn't like the texture of 'em.

ricky: So he'd probably love a bidet.

steve: Sure. But are there kind of upper class women who just waddle into the dining room at a sophisticated, trousers around their ankles. Going, "where's the bidet?"

ricky: Where's the bi-?

steve: It's filthy

ricky: Where's the bidet? "We use the paper." "The what?"

steve: I think the fish was off, I'm going beserk up there.

ricky: Yeah. Get me a bidet

steve: Yeah. Why don't you lie on the floor.

ricky: Or I'm climbing into the sink and turning the tap upside down. Its the only way I can do it.

steve: Exactly, Yeah.

ricky: Bidet. Thoughts on bidets?

steve: Have you ever used one?

camfield: Well no. you've gone, you've taught me all this but you haven't got to the bottom of how you use 'em.

steve: I don't know how to use it.

camfield: Well I don't know. I need to ask Derren Brown, does it come with instructions like a flat-pack.

steve: I think you're supposed to know. I think you're supposed to, you know if you've bought a bidet the assumption is, you know how to use it.

ricky: Imagine someone installing it and going, "There you go. There's your bidet." And you go, "Could you show me how to use it?" Steve: (Laughs)

ricky: "Well, do it like this." "Well, no, no go to the toilet first, do the whole thing otherwise I've got no context."

steve: "Ill just sit here in the corner, that's fine. Do you wanna, do you read a magazine while you go?"

ricky: "Well I might do but I mean I don't really wanna do it with you here." "But, well, how will I know?"

steve: Exactly

steve: I need to know how you transport yourself from the lavatory to the bidet.

ricky: Do you remember when we were trying to offer Karl money to have a shower with Johnny?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's a weird--

steve: Just some of the highlights of the year.

ricky: That's a weird thing to do! We nearly had him there and then he didn't want us to watch.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Was it all, "How will we know if you've done it or not?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He went, "You are definitely bent." That's his conclusion! What have we got lined up?

steve: Well hang on, let's just say, if anyone's got any idea, sort of how to use a bidet--

ricky: Any idea for anything to talk about on this show.

steve: Well, that doesn't involve crapping or farting.

ricky: Yeah, we've done that. We haven't done little Chinese fellas or the gays yet. That's still to come in the second hour.

steve: Ian.Camfield@XFM.co.uk, if you've got any thoughts on bidets or just you know, lavatories generally. Richard Ashcroft on XFM, Check The Meaning. I think that was out this year and we enjoyed it, so we played it.

ricky: I suddenly had a thought then that, you know, someone like Richard Ashcroft, who's really cool. I mean, I think one of our greatest rock and rollers really. He writes great tunes, does great albums.

rick: The Verve, you know, already in history. I've just suddenly thought of him listening to this and thinking I wish they wouldn't play my songs 'cause I don't want to be associated with that drivel.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: You know, most people get a buzz out of getting on the radio. Do you think people say don't let Gervais--

steve: Guilty by association.

ricky: Do you know what I mean? They've just been, I love that song. I love Check the Meaning, I thought it was a lovely song and he's thinking, "They're going to sandwich it between talk about little gay Chinese fellas and bidets."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And it's going to make me look bad.

steve: What worries me, Rick, is that they'll, you know, if we had to draw up some kind of list of artists who would allow us to play their songs it's going to such a short list, Gary Glitter... You know, it's just gonna be a few people who, you know, are slightly more shameful than us.

ricky: I just thought of something. There are a billion people in China and I assume it's the same percentage of homosexuality occurs as uh, that's a billion, one in 10.

ricky: That means there's a hundred million little guy Chinese fellas running round.

steve: Richard Ashcroft, if you're listening, I apologise for that last--

ricky: Think about it. John Lennon and Yoko. War is Over. I heard a DJ in the week, I won't say who it was but sort of like a cheesy, sort of housewives' choice DJ and he played that and he went, "Mm, weird one that, isn't it? What'd you think of that the first time you heard it? Strange one. John Lennon, Yoko Ono, War is Over.

ricky: It is at the moment, at least out there."

ricky: I loved that! What's he mean?

steve: That's exactly what I'd want from a DJ.

steve: That kind of insight.

ricky: We were talking before the break about how many little Chinese fellas there are.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Billions.

steve: An awful lot of them.

ricky: Brilliant, good. The more, the merrier.

steve: Are you familiar, Rick, with the fact, the scary fact, I don't know, Camfield, if you're aware of this and it's chilling. I don't know where I've heard this from but apparently and this is kind of legend, I didn't just make this up, this is well known, that if all the Chinese people in China, right?

steve: No, come on. If they all jumped up and down at the same time, apparently, this is what they say. Apparently it would cause--

ricky: It would cause a tidal wave that would wipe out America.

steve: That would destroy America.

ricky: I love the idea of coordinating that.

steve: Brilliant. Well, I like the idea of firstly, they don't need weapons of mass destruction, they don't need nuclear weapons 'cause they've got that threat constantly.

ricky: You can't have them on that. You can't count a tidal wave as a weapon of mass destruction.

steve: Or jumping.

ricky: Tony Blair couldn't send in, sort of people, you know, UN people going, "Lookout for anyone jumping."

steve: Exactly. All they need is an immense, sort of skipping rope.

ricky: Oh yeah, one little fella in Japan holding one end...

steve: Yeah exactly.

ricky: ...little fella in Russia holding the other.

steve: Exactly, yeah.

ricky: And they go "on your marks...". You'd have a lot of coordination over that, one little...

camfield: Maybe let someone like Mr. Motivator kind of coordinating it all from the top of the wall...

ricky: Yeah, yeah!

camfield: ...sort of looking down.

steve: The Chinese equivalent.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: The Chi— yeah, yeah. That'd be...

steve: Um, because I think that's why they built the wall. I think that's why they built the Great Wall.

ricky: To jump off the wall.

steve: Exactly, they just climb on that wall. That's why it's there, that's the threat.

ricky: And that's why America started the Space Race...

steve: Yep.

ricky: ...cause you can see it from space.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: So, they go...

steve: They're up there monitoring constantly...

ricky: "This is, uh..."

ricky: "Eagle to Houston, there's lots of little Chinese fellas about to jump".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "This is Houston, are they wearing them lampshade hats?"

steve: "We just need to confirm they're Chinese, are they wearing those..."

steve: "...are they wearing those comical hats that look a bit like a lampshade?"

ricky: "They are, they are."

steve: "They are?"

ricky: Just to confirm they're Chinese...

steve: Cause if I was the leader of China— who, what is the name of the— is he the King of China?

ricky: We're so ill-educated, aren't we!

steve: But is it the King of China, the Tsar of China?

ricky: It's not a King is it! What is it?

steve: Is Chairman Mao still there? Is he still...

ricky: It's Chairman someone, Chairman someone else probably, the new Chairman, I don't know...

steve: Or Chairwoman, don't be sexist.

steve: And uh...

ricky: Actually, you know when I said there's a billion people in China, so there's a hundred million little gay Chinese fellas...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...someone phoned up to say "'alf of 'em are women".

steve: Yeah. Well of course.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Straight on the phone with that.

ricky: Well I meant little lesbian fellas or little gay fellas, I wasn't being sexist. I was saying there's probably a hundred million little gay Chinese people.

steve: What worries me Rick is if I was the Premier of China, or if it was some of the people I went to school with...

ricky: Is it Premier?

steve: ...or whatever it is, the King of China...

steve: If I was the King of China, right— isn't he the King of China in "The King and I", or is that— he's somewhere else, isn't he?

ricky: That's Siam, innit?!

steve: I don't know.

ricky: We're rubbish, aren't we.

steve: Is that not in China?

ricky: We're not...

steve: Where's Siam then?

ricky: We're not... it's Ceylon now, innit? I don't know! I don't know. Or is that... God, someone educated listening must be tearing their hair out.

steve: Yeah, screaming at us.

ricky: Listening to three buffoons in the room.

steve: But listen, if I was the King of China, let's assume it's the King of China.

ricky: Okay, yeah. You'd be tall.

steve: But you know when you sometimes— you've had a few drinks, whatever, you know, I mean, I'm sure you've done that thing where you order a pizza for someone, you know, a mate or whatever

steve: Or send a taxi round to their house, somat like that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What I'd do is I'd just phone up George W. Bush and go "seriously mate you better send some stuff over, money and that, and videos, cause seriously they're all outside now... one, two..." You know and you could freak 'em out, it'd be brilliant.

ricky: "Send some knives and forks, cause I am fed up with these sticks."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "It's ridiculous."

steve: "I don't know why we still sticking with 'em."

ricky: "I can't pick up the tiniest little bit of chicken."

steve: "It's crazy."

ricky: "It's rubbish. Send us some cutlery."

steve: "I'm having a nightmare eating yogurt."

ricky: Oh, dear. This is 104.9 Racist FM.

steve: Ha, absolutely.

ricky: Jona Lewie, should we apologise for that?

steve: Not at all, no.

ricky: S'alright, innit?

steve: Stand by it, yeah. It's good.

ricky: So that was his follow up to "You'll Always Find Me in the Kitchen at Parties", one of my favorite lyrics — [singing] "She was into French cuisine but I ain't no cordon bleu". Brilliant.

steve: Yep, looking forward to playing that in the new year.

ricky: What happened to B.A. Robertson?

steve: Don't know.

ricky: He knocked it off. "I was standing in the corner and the ball came across". What was the other one he did?

steve: Dunno, I don't know. We're not as old as you.

ricky: Oh no.

steve: This is all gobbledegook to us.

ricky: Xfm 104.9, that's Jona

ricky: Lewie.

steve: Yeah, you're not listening to Classic Gold.

ricky: I've still got my own teeth.

steve: I uh - I think, Rick, I was the subject of a, uh - Christmas con in the week.

ricky: What, you mean you - you bought something for four pounds then saw it for four pound - three pounds ninety as you walked home?

steve: That would make me livid

ricky: 'Cause I've seen you really livid.

steve: I'm absolutely furious. When I bought my PlayStation, I saw I could get it for a fiver cheaper down the road. I was absolutely fuming.

ricky: And you'd already walked to about 19 places I remember --

steve: Oh god yeah.

ricky: -- I actually left you after about an hour.

steve: Yeah. No, I do, I'm furious because I got to get a bargain.

steve: I ca - hate think - feeling that I'm being ripped off.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I tell you this, I'm loving online shopping. Ahh, the savings I'm making Rick.

ricky: Really?

steve: It's crazy.

ricky: Really?

steve: I'm getting 15, 20 quid off some things.

ricky: Is - really?

steve: Oh, amazing.

ricky: But these things go - I might point out I like Jaguars and, uh (laughs) Mitsubishi cars.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Yeah, but it's worth shopping around for.

steve: Now this was not so much a con, this - well it was a con, but it wasn't so much one of those just a missed bargain.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Um, doorbell rings, answer it, there's couple of girls - they must have been... 13 or 14 maybe? Now, I've always had a problem with teenagers.

steve: I'm intimidated by teenagers.

ricky: In case they call you a dork or something.

steve: Well, I mean I'd told you before I was walking down the street once and, uh - there's two guys coming towards me, I mean real losers, do you know what I mean? Glasses, the spots, greasy hair, d'you know - really pathetic. And I was sniggering to myself, thinking look at those losers. And as I passed them I heard one of them look at me and say to his mate "look at that geek."

steve: I was furious. I was thinking, I'm allowed to call you a nerdlinger but gee, don't expect it back. I was really furious and like, upset. And so as I say these teena - teenagers are

steve: At the door and they were quite aggressive - two aggressive, quite aggressive girls and they had a piece of A4 paper and they went "We're doing, um" --

ricky: Sponsors?

steve: -- "doing a sponsored thing."

ricky: Yep.

steve: But I don't - I didn't quite catch what it was they were doing that was sponsored. I think they - they sort of fudged it, they went "We're doing a sponsor (mumbles)".

ricky: Oh, yeah.

steve: And I went "...Right." and they went "Uh, do you wanna sponsor us?

ricky: Boy, have they picked on the wrong person.

steve: Well, I - and I sort of - I was a bit into it, I didn't want - I didn't know - I don't know why I said no. I was worried it was maybe part of some kind of, you know, hidden camera show.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And uh - so I said, yeah, alright, I'll sponsor you. So they

steve: Handed me this form and I think - I always thought you were supposed to have quite an official looking form for any sponsorship thing. But this was literally a piece of A4 torn out of a notebook.

ricky: The back of a Gareth Gates poster --

steve: Exactly. And um --

ricky: -- with some blue tack on it.

steve: -- yeah, well, and it said - and I looked at it and I didn't really absorb it but it had things like, you know, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Smith --

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -- you know, five quid.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And then no one's actual address, just Finchley Road, you know - duh duh duh - nothing too specific.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So I wrote my name on, and um - put down three quid. 'Cause a lot of people were giving fivers

steve: But I thought, you know, I'm not made of money, it's Christmas. I got to buy gifts and stuff.

camfield: Gave them a fiver and asked for change.

steve: Yeah, well I gave - I gave them three quid. I said I'll - I'll sponsor you for three quid, best of luck. And they went "Can we have the money?" And I said "Well, aren't you supposed to do the things?" She - and they - and the woman just - and the girl just looked at me, she just went "...No." So I gave her three quid. And off they went.

ricky: But what difference does it make?

steve: Well, I'm assuming, though, that it's not going to any charity, it's no sponsor thing at all.

ricky: But I mean the - but I know, but the - I'm not being funny, the - the charity that it's not going to, you wouldn't have given to it anyway.

steve: It's true enough.

ricky: What's happened is, you're three quid down.

steve: But I'm three quid down.

ricky: Yeah but if would have gone to charity you'd be three quid down. The fact that it hasn't gone to charity doesn't matter because you wouldn't have given it to charity. So...

steve: Yeah but if it had gone to charity, Rick, I'd have felt a little bit superior, a little bit smug. That would have kept me going for another six months. Whereas now it's just gone to a couple of oiks off the street, you know, who are scamming people. Possibly old people, Rick, and that's who I feel sorry for, they've not got a great deal of money. That's— I'm not worried about myself, I've got a bit of cash. But what about the old people.

ricky: Yeah. Although you are three quid down which probably still hurts.

steve: It's still stinging. That's why I decided to tell you now, get it off me chest.

steve: It's an emotional thing.

ricky: Merry

ricky: Christmas.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Just be careful.

steve: But wh...

ricky: What?

steve: If you're living up in north London be careful, there's two girls that are going around. I expect, you know, they might come to your door.

ricky: But they might...

steve: Be wary.

ricky: ...be genuine.

steve: No, I don't think so.

ricky: No?

steve: They were common. They were very common. D'you know what I mean.

ricky: Was it— was the giveaway things like, you know, Santa Claus had given 10 pounds...

steve: Ha, exactly.

ricky: ...Tony Blair had given a quid.

steve: Ha, yeah, yeah.

ricky: Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, I think you were conned mate.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right, "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who. Ian, I'm gonna ask your expert

ricky: Opinion. Is that not one of the greatest rock songs of all time?

camfield: Yeah, if you'd have played the proper version of it.

ricky: I know, but it's six and a half minutes, and we usually do but we just thought, you know, it's Christmas, people want to, you know have— they want more Jona Lewie.

camfield: Yeah, but we could have played like the full eight minutes rather than making the show sound like strolling round your local Asda, with the Christmas songs with a little bit more racism put in...

ricky: That to me sounds like fighting talk. You want a rock challenge Camfield, you can't handle the truth.

ricky: I'm going to— I am gonna rock this out, the last forty minutes.

camfield: Can we put Keith Moon in the monolith...

ricky: I was going to ask you, he's my favorite drummer of all time, will you go along with that?

camfield: Yeah yeah yeah, absolutely.

ricky: So we've got— we've got Lemmy and Keith Moon.

camfield: Yeah.

steve: Are we making up a kind of super rock band here, it's beginning to look like that.

ricky: Oh we could do, we could make it a super rock band.

camfield: Nah, nah, that's far too passé, call it the monolith of rock, it sounds more stupid.

ricky: Okay. So we've got Lemmy and Moon, we just...

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: We need three more. So we need two more...

camfield: Two more...

ricky: ...pillars of rock and then one to stand astride it like the metal angel of death.

steve: Now, uh, Ian— cause you— you've hung out with some of the big rock names, haven't you?

camfield: Ha, yeah.

steve: Nah I'm not going anywhere with this, I was just— I'm intrigued.

steve: Tell me some of the people you've hung out with. You've hung out with Maiden have you?

camfield: I've hung out with Maiden.

steve: You love Maiden don't you. They're a friend of yours.

camfield: I've been flying with Bruce Dickinson.

steve: Yep, yeah, yeah.

camfield: Yeah, yeah.

steve: And have you—

camfield: Only took us three attempts to land at Gatwick a few weeks ago.

ricky: Really?

steve: But I don't know much about you— Ian are you someone who lives the rock and roll excess lifestyle? Are you kind of— drink and drugs, is that your thigh?

camfield: I like to be kind of, you know, on the edge having a look at what's going on inside.

steve: Right, I don't quite know what that means.

camfield: Well, y'know I've—

ricky: It's the way they talk, Steve.

steve: Right.

steve: But what I mean is, you know— cause I mean, some of those rockers are hard living boys, can you keep up with them? Do you— are you up until four in the morning?

camfield: Oh, four in the morning?

steve: Yeah?

camfield: Four in which morning?

ricky: Hey, daddy-O, man.

ricky: We're going out about four in the morning.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Karl reckons the gays go out late.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He went— his favourite song is "The Killing of Georgie", right, and he went [imitating Karl] "yeah but would it have happened if he'd have been, you know, going out a bit earlier?"

steve: Yeah, well no, fair point.

camfield: Is that song time-specific then?

ricky: No, no, but he reckons he probably got— cause he was out late.

camfield: Oh, right OK.

ricky: He said

ricky: "...there's one that works here, sometimes he doesn't go out til midnight."

steve: But Ian I imagine you a little bit like that little boy in the film "Almost Famous" when you're on tour with the rock legends. D'you know what I mean? You're like, you know, the little kid there, you know, maybe— the doors are being closed in your face, are they, as they go beserk in there with the groupies.

camfield: Yeah, well— when I started, yeah. But now, you know, I insist on...

steve: They see you as one of theirs?

camfield: Yeah, access all areas laminate, you know, I mean I can enter venues now with a big bottle of Jack Daniels, I don't get stopped.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yep.

ricky: Really.

steve: But seriously have you— without naming names, obviously, what excess have you seen? Have you witnessed anything, or have people calmed down now

steve: Are they— are these rockers clean living now?

camfield: Depends who you're talking about.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Is there anything going on like the days of Ozzy and Mötley Crüe?

camfield: I haven't seen— well, I haven't seen any red snappers like with Jimmy Page. D'you know that story? Am I...

ricky: No?

camfield: I can't talk about it, then. Let's...

ricky: The fish?

camfield: ...forget about that. Yeah.

ricky: Oh, was it— is it disgusting?

camfield: Well, yeah.

ricky: Oh, don't...

steve: Is it worse than talking about bidets and Ricky's farts?

camfield: Kind of.

steve: Right, OK.

ricky: Yeah.

camfield: Yeah, and you wouldn't want the instruction manual as to what happened with the red snapper...

steve: Right.

camfield: ...like you do with the bidet.

steve: Sure, sure, sure.

ricky: Ohhh...

camfield: Uuummmmmmmm...

ricky: ...God.

steve: But don't— as I say don't name names. Obviously, you known, there's a sort of client-doctor confidentiality or whatever that you...

camfield: Yeah, I saw— I saw...

ricky: And we know there's no one listening. It won't go further than this studio.

camfield: I saw— I saw a member of a very big band play the Astoria recently and they turned up at the Astoria about 15 minutes before they were going on stage, right, and someone said to them "is it good to be playing the Astoria?", to which he turned around and went, "uhhh..."

camfield: "... oh right, are we in London?"

steve: Really?

steve: Oh, dear.

camfield: And this person then...

steve: It wasn't Daniel O'Donnell was it?

ricky: I can only... uhhh, I can only think of The Libertines. No, that's not a very big, huge band, is it?

camfield: No, no.

ricky: No.

camfield: Bigger than that.

ricky: Yeah, OK. OK.

camfield: What other rock and roll excess d'you want... oh I was told once that if you stay up for two days the best thing to do is eat some yogurt. This is just like— we're going into having tips now.

steve: Sure.

camfield: Yeah, you know, so if you— that's

camfield: Apparently the best thing at the end of the excess, you need some yogurt.

steve: Right.

camfield: So always keep some in fridge.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: And, chopsticks are no good.

steve: No.

ricky: We've established that.

camfield: Yeah, so don't— whatever you do, don't go on a bender in China because otherwise you'll be screwed.

ricky: No, there's no benders in China.

ricky: Oh there are, aren't there.

steve: Yeah, no, there's about a hundred million.

ricky: There's about a hundred million.

steve: Yeah.

steve: Another tune that I enjoyed this year, Rick, I don't know what your thoughts are on it, I'm fascinated to find out.

ricky: Yeah, loving it. Loving it.

steve: Jay Z and Pharrell and "Frontin'".

ricky: What d'you think, Camfield, Darkness number one?

camfield: Yeah, well they cheated

camfield: Didn't they, cause they went and did their signing at HMV yesterday so they could get in like an hour of extra— extra sales. Just so they could...

ricky: Why is that cheating, though?

camfield: Well you know, I dunno, I suppose Gary Jules could have turned up at Virgin down the road, couldn't he, and...

ricky: Yeah.

camfield: ...you know. OK, well in that case they're going...

ricky: I think that deserves to be, sort of, number one because it's at least it's— it's potentially a sort of evergreen sort of Slade-type classic, and they are the biggest sort of band around at the moment.

steve: Camfield what are your thoughts? You love rock, what d'you make of The Darkness?

camfield: S'alright, been around for a while now...

steve: Sure.

camfield: ... you know, another year

camfield: Yeah, Maybe.

ricky: They're all the ingredients of everything you like, I imagine. I'm as they got bit of Glam. They got a bit of Queen. They've got a bit of ACDC. It's all in there. You've got a bit of Bruce Forsyth. You know what I mean? It's funny. I-i-i- they're a very good fun band, aren't they?

camfield: Yeah they're alright.

ricky: I mean, they're essentially just to close to novelty but then so was Slade in a way. Slade have only got this this credibility resurgence in retrospect. At the time, They were a pop band that, were essentially for teenagers and thugs.

camfield: Yeah.

steve: I'm not sure Camfield is going to be championing Slade though.

steve: Up there in the same way he champions The Maiden.

ricky: But, you've got you've got appreciate what-what Holder's done. Surely?

camfield: Yeah, I appreciate what Holder's done. But then it, then it became cool when Oasis covered them.

ricky: Er, yeah. I-i mean i-i-i genuinely always like Slade and I've still got a soft spot for 'em.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: But, um yeah The Darkness. We'll have to wait and see.

camfield: At least The Darkness weren't as irresponsible for the kids of today, though. Cause' the amount of spelling mistakes that Slade were responsible for at school in the 70s-

ricky: The Zs

camfield: -was atrocious.

ricky: Putting the Z's in.

camfield: Rubbish.

ricky: Ian, I'm going to have to ask you for our third pillar of rock before the Ad break.

camfield: Right, what we need, um, who have we got, so we got-

ricky: We've got Lemmy and Moon.

camfield: Yeah, right ok. I think we need to put in, er, we need a guitarist. And then we should maybe put in Keith Richards. I'm a little bit worried about the health scare, because the kind of air pollution around any venue that this band might play...

steve: Mmmhmm.

camfield: With like Lemmy and Keith Richards there.

steve: Yeah especially is Keith shows up.

ricky: You know, I'm surprised at Keith Richards. I wouldn't have thought it was heavy enough for you, but the stones have been enough to get in the annals of rock.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: Okay. Let's play some ads.

steve: Quick question. Do you actually speak like this Ian?

camfield: What?

ricky: This is it.

steve: This is your real voice?

ricky: This is his real voice, yeah.

camfield: Yeah.

steve: It's amazing.

ricky: Do your- do your, um daytime sort of voice, the X list voice. Say, say "it's fast- it's just coming up to 20 past 2 on XFM 104.9. Um after the break, umm er w- we've got Feeder". Say that.

camfield: It's just coming up to 20 past 2 on XFM 104.9. These are the ads.

ricky: The problem with that song is, "don't let the bells end", it could sound like he's saying something to do with bellends.

steve: Well, yeah.

ricky: What?

steve: Heaven forbid.

ricky: What? You think he meant that?

steve: Did he?

ricky: Probably.

steve: Noo.

ricky: Er, that's The Darkness on XFM 104.9.

steve: Bellend.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: What other rude words are there?

ricky: Cock.

steve: Yeah, that is rude.

ricky: Yeah. Um. Now.

steve: Especially at Christmas.

ricky: Especially at Christmas, yeah.

steve: It's a time for families.

ricky: I know. Now listen. Time for family co-. Now, Ian.

camfield: Yes.

ricky: Who is your fourth? We need a lead singer in this mega group. The monoliths of rock.

camfield: Errrr. Who we got? Lemmy, Keith Richards...

ricky: We got Keith Richards, on guitar. We got Lemmy on bass.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: We got Keith Moon on skins.

camfield: Right. Some terminology coming out there.

steve: Yeah.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: Who's do the vocs?

camfield: Errrrrooooo.

ricky: Who's given Golden Tonsils award?

camfield: Ummmmm.

camfield: Robert Plant.

ricky: He's gone for Plant!

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: He's gone for plant!

steve: A lot of track names there!

ricky: There is the group. The line up is Mer....Moon. Er, Lemmy. Richards. Plant. Ok? Now. Our competition, Steve. Name that- name that group.

steve: Ok.

ricky: What's the best- the best, heaviest rock band ever?

steve: Sure. This is- this is obviously not a name that already exists?

ricky: No.

steve: Ok.

ricky: Er, my mate of mine came up with- i think it was, er.

ricky: Brain Hammer, which I like. VelvetNazi666.

steve: Sure.

ricky: So we want the heaviest, most mental priests of death metal, head-banging, bleeding out of your brains rock, axe attack. Okay?

steve: Please welcome to the stage, Christ On a Bike.

ricky: Please welcome to the stage, Ooh Look At You!

steve: That would be great. That would freak out the metallers.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Cheeky! Oh, now listen. They need a manager. They need someone who could introduce them. They need someone to stand astride them. Who is the leader now? Who is the king of all that rocks?

camfield: Well it's obviously Tommy Vance, isn't it?

steve: Do you know what worries me, Rick? We've said Vance a lot today. I wonder if people, the kids today, do they know Tommy Vance?

ricky: What do you think of that, Ian?

camfield: If they don't know, they shouldn't be listening.

steve: Okay.

steve: Fair enough.

ricky: So Vance is their manager. He needs to, they're on at Wembley. He's got on them on at Wembley, they've got, they're the greatest rock band of all time. We need the name. Please, please welcome to the stage. What are they called?

steve: We have a--

ricky: Email in and the prize, we'll get some--

steve: We'll rummage through the bins, as Karl normally does.

ricky: Get some old tat like Karl does, some VHSes, some CDs, Greatest Air Guitar Ever.

camfield: Betamax.

ricky: Yeah.

camfield: What's the, do we need to give out the numbers and stuff?

ricky: Well they can email in, can't they?

steve: Don't get them to phone in. You don't want to talk to them, Ian, seriously.

ricky: You know when, when what's his name says to Agent Starling as she's going to meet Hannibal, "Don't let him inside your head." Don't talk to the listeners, Ian.

steve: Exactly, it's very much the same thing.

ricky: Please don't talk to them.

camfield: I'm a bit concerned that my email is going to be besieged by people sending you links to how to clean out the bidet.

ricky: Well that's alright. But what's the most mental, head bleeding, banging, brain hammer operation this band can be called? Call in.

steve: What Rick, because it always amuses me for you to, I mean, I know it's cruel to put you on the spot but some of your former band names have always amused me.

ricky: Well the worst--

steve: They always tickle me!

ricky: The worst one? Right I'll just leave it--

steve: Ricky's had a number of bands over the years. What was the...?

ricky: The worst one? Ready? Get ready to play that record 'cause I don't want any aftermath.

camfield: No hang on, before you tell me, what was the one? 'Cause you keep on, these pictures of you like, when you were new romantic keep on being published--

ricky: That was Seona Dancing.

camfield: But someone--

ricky: That was pretty bad.

camfield: But someone told me, they were like, "Oh ask him about when he tried to be Bon Jovi." Can you imagine such a thing?

ricky: I know. I know the name you're thinking of. Right, here we go. Play the record immediately I say this.

ricky: Ready? The Sacred Hearts. Play a record.

steve: Blur on Xfm 104.9. I forget the name of that track, but it's good.

camfield: Good song.

steve: Thanks very much. Oh good song?

camfield: Yeah.

steve: Oh right. I just thought you were complimenting me.

ricky: You thought he was just giving his opinion? Right, go on.

camfield: Do what?

steve: Are we still on the air?

camfield: Yeah.

camfield: What are we doing?

steve: Merry Christmas.

ricky: We've got someone on the line.

camfield: Oh, right, right, right. He's here.

ricky: Who's that?

jonathan: Ricky, Ricky.

ricky: It's, yeah go on.

jonathan: It's Jonathan, how are you?

ricky: Good. It's only TV's Jonathan Ross.

steve: Ross, turn your radio down, you idiot.

jonathan: I'm here. I'd like to uh, I haven't got the radio on, what are you talking about?

steve: We can hear the feedback!

jonathan: Well I haven't got it on, it's not my fault--

jonathan: ...your incompetent radio station.

ricky: And also didn't you hear him, he said don't call in, we don't want to speak to the listeners, what's up, er...

jonathan: I'm not a listener, I'm a visitor to your shores, I'm special you know that full well.

ricky: I know you're special... Right? What have you, have you got a name for the band?

jonathan: Yeah. You ready?

ricky: Yeah

jonathan: Blump, Blump. B-L-U-M-P. I tell you for why, you can't have a normal word, if it's the monolith band of all time, if it's to be... you can't have a regular word, it doesn't make sense. How can you have a regular word? All these ideas you come up with a rubbish. You need a word which only stand for that one thing. No-one's heard it before, no-one will use it...

jonathan: Again. Blump.

steve: I can't help but feel that that's a more appropriate name for maybe one of Ricky's bands. JONATHAN: I've been... I've seen that picture of him in that the band that you see everywhere these days. He was like a...a girl. He was like a little girl in a suit. It's like a girl, a little dyke at a wedding. What was that all about?

steve: That's got to be the ket, the kettle calling the pot black, surely...

jonathan: I've always been nothing but 100% heterosexual, but you, we, we not sure about. There's not anything wrong with it, I know that, but look at ya.

ricky: You had to get that in, 'there's not anything wrong with it. I'm Jonathan Ross.' Oh dear. I was er, I was thinking the other day, right?

jonathan: Were you?

ricky: You, the Comedy Awards...

jonathan: Yes sir.

ricky: You didn't half say some awful things about poor, poor celebrities. Poor has-been celebrities with coke addictions and and fat lips and faces that are very, that where surgery's gone wrong and everything, you...you and then when they were in the show there going, 'Oh, you look lovely, you look so good."

jonathan: Yeah. yeah. I'm nice to them, I'm nice to them to their face, but obviously when I'm...

jonathan: ...not with them, I like to let my true feelings be known. Is that...what's wrong with that?

ricky: I tell you what, you can get anything off your chest you want on this show any celebrites you want to talk about?

steve: There's no-one listening.

ricky: Yeah, it's just between me and you.

jonathan: There are people listening, there a lot of people listening, they listen to my show and after a few hours of you know, good laughs and they like something bland to just cool them down after, so that's (indistinct), we know this happens.

ricky: Did you, uh, did you mention my um DVD on your radio show tonight?

jonathan: Do you know what? I forgot to, I forgot to mention it.

ricky: Ah, Christ!

jonathan: I (indistinct) by the office, but I forgot to mention it and then I thought afterwards, it's not like he needs the cash of it, you know...

ricky: There we go.

jonathan: It's not like he needs it, it's not like he is, but he's probably earned more money in the short space... you like a lottery winner and you've got as much taste. You're like one of those burger(?) who has just won the lottery.

ricky: I dress like an Albanian window cleaner at the moment.

jonathan: A burger(?) from Reading who won the lottery and now what's he, he's fritting it away on what? On...

ricky: I do feel sorry for my neighbours, I've moved into a you know, a real nice place, I feel like it is the hillbillies.

jonathan: No, it's good that you've moved in because it's nice, it's given them something to talk about behind your back, you've united the whole block.

ricky: Right...

ricky: Right, go and go and play with some Japanese windup toys now for us.

jonathan: I'm going home to play Mario Double Dash with my son it is going to be good afternoon.

ricky: I, er, phoned you once after I finish my show it was about 5 minutes past 3:00

jonathan: Yeah

ricky: Er, and, er I don't mind if you, you know, you said (indistinct), you went it's brilliant. You said, you said, this is what he said, you went, "Everyone's out, Jane's taken the kids out, I've already masturbated twice and I'm playing with a new Japanese toy.

jonathan: I'm er, I'm masturbating now.

ricky: Ha ha ha ha, play a record!

steve: Uhh... Yeah. Kings of Leon - Wasted Time on XFM 104.9. Sorry I was sidetracked there by just some of the band names that came in.

ricky: Well uh... now listen. I want to put in two of my own. I want to win that pile of tat out there, right. I've got two names here. Okay.

steve: We should just remind people in case they've just tuned in. What's going on.

ricky: Oh, yeah, Ian Camfield has chosen his mega band of all time. He's got Keith Moon on drums. He's got Lemmy on bass. He's got Keith Richards on guitar... He's got uhm... who've you got singing?

camfield: Robert Plant.

ricky: Robert Plant! And their manager is Vance.

ricky: And he's... but he needs to announce them at Wembley Arena. They're already sold out. They're at number one in the album charts. They're the greatest rock band of all time, and I've got two suggestions.

steve: Okay.

ricky: What about this...

steve: Please welcome to the stage...

ricky: Tungsten Lung Hemorrhage!

steve: Yeah, good.

ricky: Yeah?

steve: Please welcome to the stage:

ricky: God Dildo!

steve: God Dildo, interesting. Nice juxtaposition there of God, the almighty creator and a dildo. Nice use of some contrasting imagery there.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Powerful and topical.

ricky: Tungsten Lung Hemorrhage!

steve: Yeah.

steve: We've had a couple also on the email uhm... people didn't really include their names but who cares? Uhm... Please welcome to the stage, Balls of Steel.

ricky: Ball... Balls of Steel, yeah.

steve: Love that.

camfield: And we've... we've had, like, Brainhammer!

steve: Yeah...

ricky: Brainhammer's good. I like Brainhammer.

steve: Lots of brain related stuff.

camfield: Quite liking the idea of tumour, fish...

ricky: Tumourfish, I like!

steve: Tumourfish. Tumourfish is very good!

ricky: I like Tumourfish!

steve: I just wonder if there's one more contender. I don't know who this was that phoned in with it. But possibly, it's topical.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Deathlehem!

camfield: Yeah!

ricky: Deathlehem!

steve: It's brilliant!

ricky: Oh, it's Deathlehem.

steve: Please welcome to the stage, Deathlehem!

ricky: It's Deathlehem. Who's that? We've got give it to them.

steve: I don't know who that was.

ricky: Oh! Well if you came up with Deathlehem, email again. Deathlehem. It's the greatest name for the greatest rock band of all time! Will you please welcome to the stage, Deathlehem!

ricky: It's "Golden Tonsils". Innit?

camfield: I went to uhh... I was going to go see 'em once at the (*inaudible*) about a year ago. And they had this sign up, right, saying that Graham Bonnet who sang that song had cancelled, right. And it said "God willing he'll be performing tomorrow." And just in case you thought he'd canceled 'cause maybe no one bought any tickets, the doctor's certificate was printed on the cancellation sign!

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Well, we've sung that a couple of times drunk, haven't we... at the top of our voice.

camfield: Yeah! We have done, and it is the best "uhh" ever.

ricky: Yeah, it is.

camfield: Ben... won. Ben has won whatever you're giving away. Ben came up with Deathlehem.

ricky: Yeah. The big pile of crap that we've... Yeah. Deathlehem. I mean if you are in a rock band, you're looking for a name and you think you deserve that name then, you know, write to us. We want to know that you're really heavy. And we... And Ian Camfield will officially hand over the deeds of the name Bethlehem.

steve: Deathlehem.

ricky: Deathlehem, yeah. Deathlehem. They only play at Christmas. You only play like big venues at Christmas. And it's all things about, like fighting, like good versus evil. God versus the Devil. You got to write songs like that. Yeah?

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: Deathlehem on XFM 104.9.

camfield: The debut should certainly be a concept album based on a nativity play.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, nativity, that would be good.

steve: Just the whole kind of Old Testament in kind of rock form.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: With like - it would be extraordinary.

ricky: It - it's a battle for humanity.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: It's called, um, 'Humanity Manatee' and it's a fight in the ocean of hell.

steve: Yeah, sure.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Sure. Sure, sure, yeah. I'd like to see a serpent, maybe pictured somewhere.

ricky: There'll be serpents in it. It's on track 4, track 4. Track 4.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: Um, I think we should give massive props and suitable regards to Ian Camfield, he's come and he's pressed the buttons.

ricky: He's - he's stood in for an idiot brilliantly.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: He has stood in for a retarded fool.

steve: It's a shame that he's not - you've not displayed some of the usual incompetence we've come to love and expect from Karl, it's a shame.

camfield: Okay, well, I tell -

ricky: You are the greatest DJ in the world, though. The way you sort of like drop these...

camfield: Press buttons.

ricky: It's but - you know.

camfield: Every time I press the button off-air Ricky's been going "Ah! What great DJing.".

ricky: It is great! He ends it - he just - no, it's just, it's just brilliant. I mean we're lucky we can talk with a mic on.

steve: Mm.

ricky: Not talk over a record.

steve: Just today we did some great links during the ads.

ricky: Yeah! And uh, of course, Jonathan Ross, uh, masturbating live on-air.

steve: Just looking back at some of the highlights of this weeks show.

ricky: You don't get that on Capital Gold, do ya?

ricky: Like Tony Blackburn getting a call from Fluff Freeman going "Alright mate? I'm knocking one out!"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Well, have a lovely Christmas.

steve: Have a bloody great Christmas.

ricky: Have a bloody great Christmas. It's - it's the Best Of next week.

steve: Yep, um.

ricky: The "best" of the last few weeks, with some tat you know, uh, Karl's put together.

steve: We're back in January.

ricky: Look forward to that. We're playing some of our favourite songs of the year.

steve: I'm looking forward to seeing, um, Pilker's tan and pictures from his holiday.

ricky: Pilker's back covered in ash from the beach.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And we're back on the, uh, third, I believe. But Ian, do you want to introduce, um, this, this is Ian's choice for the day.

camfield: Yeah.

ricky: We'll see you, uh, next week in spirit and then we'll be back on the third with, uh, Pilker's. Over to you, Camf.

camfield: Enough of Jona Lewie, this is Paul Di'Anno, ex of Iron Maiden doing, uh, Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

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