XFM Vault - S03E09 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: That was... the record before us. And here we are pre-recorded, cause we did this a few weeks ago, cause we're not here at the moment, are we? We're away and that. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant.

steve: Hello there.

ricky: And Karl Pilkington. Well...

steve: He's not actually with us, he's on the— he'll be in some of the Best Of clips that will be coming up shortly.

ricky: Yeah this is just us, innit? Doing this.

steve: This is just us. We did this... when did we do this, Rick?

steve: Couple of weeks back.

ricky: It's... hold on, what is it? What day is it?

steve: It's the 27th today.

ricky: Yeah. Well...

steve: I enjoyed Christmas, I loved Christmas.

ricky: I loved Christmas. Had a lovely Christmas.

steve: I had a great time. What'd you get?

ricky: Oh, loads of presents.

steve: So did I.

ricky: And I'm glad they made it to #1...

steve: Ha, I'm really glad.

ricky: .../he/she.

steve: Yeah. I'm really glad that... The Pop Idols/Cliff Richard/Westlife... made it to #1.

ricky: .../Bo Selecta.

steve: Bo Selecta.

ricky: Yeah, just delete that as...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: OK, we're going to play some of the Best Of, some of the greatest moments of the last three weeks.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...ever heard on Xfm 104.9. What about this, d'you remember this one?

steve: Ahh, which one is it?

ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant. Over there, Karl Pilkington, the man who believes anything.

ricky: I think it might be a condition due to his little round head.

steve: Mm-hmm.

ricky: It's sort of like— it might be a new condition that we can call cranial spherity. Cause it presses on his lobes and the only upshot of that is— he's normal in every way but he believes everything he reads, or sees on Ananova.

steve: Yeah. Mmm, mmm.

steve: Talking of which, Rick, I don't really follow the news—

ricky: No.

steve: It's mainly boring, innit, wars and stuff.

ricky: Yep.

steve: But I don't know if you...

ricky: Well, yeah, when it is a war— it's just, it's all this nonsense before and after. When it's a war it's— you know, in the middle of a war you can watch it on telly...

steve: True.

ricky: ...and get results, d'you what I mean? Like a Test match or somat.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But it's all this rubbish before and after, it drags on.

steve: This recent war seemed— I thought, just generally it was better presented than the previous one. Cause I remember the First Gulf War it was often during the night...

ricky: Disappointing.

steve: ...and I couldn't stay up and stuff.

ricky: Yeah, cause I think the Americans had the rights to it, like the Tyson fight, so we had to get it at two in the morning.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Which is annoying, they had it at their prime time and that. A lot of it was in black-and-white as well when the bombs came in.

steve: A lot of it was black and white, when the bombs came in.

ricky: So uhh...

steve: This time there seemed a lot more colourful stuff...

ricky: Y-y-y-yeah it's much better coverage, I think they should win awards...

steve: Yeah, well I'd like to see awards.

ricky: ...for it, so like Channel 4 won for cricket.

steve: Yeah, I mean a few times as well, I was quite pleased to see that they actually had footage of the bombs exploding.

ricky: Yeah yeah, yeah y-y-y-y-yeah...

steve: ...some buildings and stuff...

ricky: No good, well done.

steve: Just generally, you know, good stuff.

ricky: Good on ya. Well done. Good on ya.

steve: Yeah I don't know if you...

ricky: Costs a lot though, doesn't it?

steve: It is a costly thing.

ricky: War's a lot more— when you've got somat like, you know, a Jimmy Carr game show which probably cost about a hundred grand...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...like, half an hour of war costs millions man!

steve: I know. It's almost as expensive as, like, "Terminator 3" or something.

ricky: Y-y-y-yeah. But I mean, you know...

steve: But then, you know...

ricky: ...you've got to have variety.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Sorry, Steve, you were talking mate.

steve: Ha ha, no well I just wanted to make sure you we're aware that the World Elephant Polo Championships have taken place.

ricky: I did get it, I think they mentioned it on...

steve: Are you aware of that?

ricky: Yeah, we won didn't we?

steve: England won.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: My question is...

steve: ...where have they been practicing?

ricky: I don't know.

steve: I— do you remember ever at school anyone saying to you, "are you interested in playing polo with elephants?"

ricky: D'you reckon it was five blokes in pith helmets kept sneaking into Whipsnade. "What you doing lads?!" "We're practicing!" "Get down, get off them elephants!"

steve: Yeah. I genuinely don't— I didn't even know we had a team. I can't believe it. It's like, Jonny Wilkinson and the rugby lads, they're gonna get MBEs, all sorts. The elephant boys— the elephant polo boys, nothing.

ricky: They'll get nothing.

steve: I haven't seen The Sun talking about them.

ricky: But to be fair it's not like

ricky: Horse polo, where I think - I don't think you - there's a stick long enough, I think the elephants kick it don't they?

steve: I think you might be right, I think they're not allowed to use their tusks.

ricky: They'll burst it, won't they?

steve: Mm, I dunno.

ricky: Pssst!

ricky: They go...

steve: Start again.

ricky: "Oh! Rahim!"

steve: Yeah.

karl: What do you mean the elephants kick it?

ricky: Alright, I've got - I've opened a can of worms here. Right, you know, um, um, normal polo on a horse? They have like...

karl: Yeah sticks 'n that.

steve: Mallets.

ricky: Yeah. They whack 'em, right? But I think they, obviously they're too high up. I think, I - I - I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure they just train the elephant to kick it.

karl: So, what - why are people sat on their back? Why not just let them have a kick about without...?

ricky: Imagine that! And why does horse racing have to have a jockey? Why don't they just have their horses go on y- okay lads, on your - no cheating!

ricky: On your marks, get set, go! You..! Uh! Get back here! Get back here! Brilliant. Play a record.

karl: Bryan Adams?

ricky: Yeah. Oh, this is absolutely fantastic.

steve: His version of Wonderwall. If you've not heard it before you'll be loving it.

ricky: You'll be loving this.

ricky: This is the best of show on XFM 104.9 and I'm Ricky Gervais, with me is Stephen Merchant.

steve: Yes!

ricky: I hope you're enjoying the 'Best Of'.

karl: There's a fellow who erm, was in a coma for twenty years.

ricky: Mm.

karl: Just - they, they kept, like taking him to - through like the normal day. They'd take him to Alton Towers and stuff. He didn't know anything about it, just kept going through the motions. Erm, dunno if they kept charging him? Erm, kept putting him through all that. He eventually came out of it. Twenty years.

ricky: And went "Stop taking me to Alton Towers, it's shit!"

karl: I just - I just thought imagine how much post he had.

ricky: "Stop taking-", eh?

karl: How much post?

ricky: Ooh, God.

steve: Did you read about that guy in the paper, Karl? He, um.

steve: Sorry, on the internet. Uh, he, in - in about I think it was about 1984-85? He had a terrible car accident.

ricky: Well, this must be it.

steve: He went into a coma.

ricky: This must be what he's talking about?

steve: Well, they didn't take him to Alton Towers.

ricky: Course they didn't! But you've gotta try and decipher the truth from the conjecture - from the thing that he - I mean, don't forget that Karl says - realises that he's had a dream, he's talking to Suzanne and goes "That was good, wasn't it last night When we were in the plane?" and goes "No that was a dream", he goes "Oh yeah, where's me corn flakes?"

ricky: You've gotta - you know what I mean? I can now decipher what he's actually seen, what he's read...

karl: But go on, what - what did you see?

steve: Well, I'm assuming it's the same guy.

ricky: It is the same guy.

steve: There's a guy in the, uh, there's a guy in some small American town.

karl: Yeah.

steve: And he's had a car crash and he's gone into a coma and his, uh, wife had uh, left him. She's gone on with her life. Cos he's been in a coma since then and he had just woken up recently.

ricky: Marriage wasn't working?

steve: Marriage wasn't working. He just wasn't paying her enough attention.

steve: He actually had - she was pregnant at the time, so now his daughter - his now - his daughter is basically the same age as he was when he went into the coma.

steve: And um, he's just started coming around, he's just started making jokes. He said - they said, uh, "How do you feel?", he said "Horny." which I thought was quite witty for man who's been in a coma for, uh, many years. Um, but anyway, yeah, so he's slowly trying to rebuild, uh, what life he ca- he can.

ricky: That's interesting.

steve: What do you make of that though? Cos he - the thing is that - he's missed... Imagine what he's missed, Karl. Imagine the music that he's missed...

ricky: Live Aid.

steve: TV programmes, news.

ricky: Missed Live Aid.

steve: Live Aid, he's missed. The Spice Girls.

ricky: He's missed, uh, Phil Collins playing in two continents in one day.

ricky: Ummm!

steve: Frankly I'd be devastated if I discovered I missed that.

ricky: Missed, missed Bros.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah, so he doesn't - so he'd put on ripped jeans and they'd go "Passe".

steve: They'd just have to send him a series of those 'I love 1986' programmes, with Kate Thornton filling him in on what he's missed.

ricky: Exactly... exactly. Peter Kay reminding him of space hoppers. He remembers what that is.

steve: Yeah, Richard Blackwood talking rubbish.

ricky: Yeah. So, um...

steve: Extraordinary though, isn't it Karl, to think?

karl: Mmm.

steve: No, obviously not.

karl: So had he aged much? Because he hadn't had any problems or anything, no worries?

ricky: Well he probably wouldn't have - physiologically, he probably wouldn't have the wear and tear of a 43 year old man.

ricky: Because he wouldn't have had sun, he wouldn't have had, sort of, nicotine... beer...

steve: Unless they were just feeding that to him.

ricky: Anyway, still...

steve: Just trying to bring him round.

ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, yeah, um, so...

karl: You'd feel groggy though, wouldn't you?

ricky: (Mocking) Yeah, you might feel a bit groggy, yeah. Yeah.

karl: Know what I mean?

steve: Well he's not, he's not fully back to normal, I mean...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: There must be some kind of residual brain damage.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: But nevertheless, he can form sentences, he's got no real memory, so he can't remember a lot of things.

karl: It's just, when I saw that...

steve: Karl, have you been in an accident?

steve: The brilliant Blur, Out Of Time, on XFM 104.9, close to Christmas.

ricky: (Interrupting) One of my favourite singles of the year. And that's another thing, we'll be playing our favourite singles of the year, as well as our favourite clips of our own show.

steve: Rick, I imagine if people have got a bit of Christmas money, they're wondering what they can spend it on.

ricky: Office DVD?

steve: Well, other than that, these guys have got some ideas.

ricky: What, adverts?

steve: Uh-huh.

ricky: Brilliant.

ricky: Placebo, Bitter End, on XFM 104.9. This is pre-recorded. We recorded this a couple of weeks ago, before Christmas. Hope you had a great Christmas. Uh, if you didn't... not our fault really, is it?

steve: Nothing to do with us.

ricky: Wouldn't have thought we'd have...

steve: We had a whale of a time because we've got plenty of cash now, thanks to a lot of you, who probably bought The Office DVD.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Put that in your stocking.

ricky: And if you haven't yet, and you've maybe got vouchers or money, still available.

steve: Still there in the shops.

ricky: Still available. You can still make it the best-selling DVD of all time.

steve: Please, please.

ricky: Please do. Please do.

ricky: I tell you what you wanna hear though, before you make your mind up. I tell you what, if you like this next clip, go and buy the Office DVD. I think you will, it's a brilliant clip.

steve: It's the one where we talk about, uh... it's self explanatory.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: What's the best job you've ever had, still, Karl? Talking of occupations. It is still...

karl: Paper round.

ricky: Is it still the paper round?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: That's ridiculous.

karl: No, it was good though. If you look at it, like - you know, what I liked about it - you're your own boss.

ricky: No you're not, you're not your own boss.

steve: (Laughing) No.

ricky: The newsagents is your boss.

karl: Alright, but then, once you get out and you've got your papers and that, you're sort of - you're on your own and you can think about stuff.

ricky: (Interrupting) Do what you want, as long as you deliver the papers exactly to the places he said you are, in the time he said.

karl: Yeah. And I do.

ricky: It's the freedom isn't it. Any jobs you wouldn't do?

karl: Uh...

ricky: I just thought of one that you wouldn't do.

karl: Go on.

ricky: With your, sort of, mild homophobia.

karl: Well I'm not.

ricky: Proctologist.

karl: What's that?

ricky: Basically just sticking your finger up other people's arses.

karl: (Interrupting) Right, well I wouldn't do that, no. Why've you got to do that?

ricky: What do you mean why we got to do that.

karl: Well why does anyone need that doing?

ricky: So they've got a look if they've got an arse ache or something.

steve: Which trainee doctor makes that their speciality?

ricky: Do you know what I mean! That must be, um, right we got to place for our houses and it's you Meadows, you came last.

steve: Aw seriously what. I'm not the arse doctor am I?

ricky: Yeah. You came last.

steve: Aw I'm a bum GP. I can't believe it.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. You got. I can't believe this.

steve: Yeah. Tell you a job I don't like.

ricky: What?

steve: I wouldn't wanna be doing. The, the woman, there's a little woman who sits in a little snack stall on Finchley Road.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I don't know how to describe it really. She is surrounded by snacks. She can't move for snacks.

ricky: Does it look like American Beauty, but with with uh different

steve: Not dissimilar to that it's a little hut on the station.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And it's like if you go to the seaside, you can put your head through one of those cardboard cutouts and it looks like you're a big fat person or whatever and you can have your photo taken. It's like an equivalent of that but it's just snacks everywhere. She's got bananas up to her chin, just got chocolate coming down from her eyes, crisps either side of her. She can't move. She can't do 360 degrees. She's like packed in there.

steve: I don't think, I don't know how she gets in there.

ricky: I think they put her in there first and they put- "Okay pour in the bananas"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They go "Pour in the nuts".

steve: She has two hours of makeup before it opens,

ricky: Yeah exactly yeah!

steve: Dressing her in there. Because I'll ask for something from the fridge and she cannot turn her head to see. She has to go by feel alone just to fill the fridge and gets the wrap and pass it and often I'll say that's not what I wanted, but she can, you got to let her off. It's extraordinary but it's no music playing there's nothing!

ricky: Does she have to sell her way out of it?

steve: I, exactly!

ricky: If it's a slow day she's stuck there till the next day.

steve: Yeah it's like a world breaking attempt.

ricky: Karl what job wouldn't you want to do? Well any job you're a lazy f- yeah.

karl: You're joking aren't you? I've done loads of stuff. I'm quite happy now doing what I'm doing.

ricky: Yeah, you look happy.

karl: I'm trying to think-

steve: You sure sound happy.

ricky: Yeah, I mean, calm down. You on drugs?

karl: I'm all right, I said that before.

ricky: Are you on E?

karl: England have won and that I'm happy for them.

ricky: What? Yeah go on have your thing.

karl: So I'm happy and that.

ricky: Yeah, what do you mean happy for them? We are England. Happy for us. Yeah I mean we didn't play I did very little towards it. It was mainly Jonny Wilkinson!

steve: Yeah I barely contributed. Switching on the TV was about as much as I did

ricky: Yeah and shouting "Come on!".

steve: Yeah.

karl: Talking about jobs and that though I was reading the other day about um, like you know, rubbish jobs that people are having and stuff.

ricky: I haven't got time when I work one. I just get on with it. I'm not squiddly diddly, fingers in pies, different jobs go on.

karl: Uh do you know Iva the Terrible

ricky: Ivan.

karl: He uh

ricky: Is it yeah, is Russian good, yeah, that was the Welsh fella it was it was Bloody awful but not as bad as his Russian cousin, Ivan. Go on.

karl: He uh, he had fellow doing some work for him, alright. This fella built his house. Uh after it was done right, the terrible fella was like

ricky: Terrible fella Ivan.

karl: He was going "Ah it's brilliant, you've done a good job there".

ricky: Yeah.

karl: "I don't want you to build another one like that". Took his eyes out.

karl: To stop him making a house like that again.

steve: Blimey.

karl: That's bad innit.

ricky: Why didn't he take away his trowel? Then he could've seen that he couldn't have built a house without without a trowel, you can't build a house without a trowel.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Makes you think, yeah.

steve: I spose he probably later thought that. Once he'd been nicknamed Ivan the Terrible...

ricky: Yeah, yeah!

steve: He thought "why..."

ricky: He'd go "Why?"

steve: "...why?!" "Cause you gouge peoples' eyes out!"

ricky: "Yeah but I don't want him to build another house."

steve: "I know, but..."

ricky: "...take his trowel away" "What would I have been then?" "Well, Ivan the Crafty at most."

steve: Ha, yeah.

ricky: "Ivan the Jealous, you know, Ivan the Spoilt Brat, but..."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Gouge someone's eyes out..."

steve: "...that is terrible, it's mad."

ricky: "...that is bloody terrible! I'm surprised you're not called Ivan the C— d'you know what I mean?"

steve: Yeah! "You're going to down in history with Vlad the Impaler."

ricky: Yeah!

steve: "He's mainly remembered for impaling people."

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: "He did a lot of other stuff..."

steve: "He did a load of great charity work he did, it's not remembered!"

ricky: "...but the impaling is the thing that's really gone down in history."

ricky: When were you reading about Ivan the Terrible?

karl: No it's just...

ricky: Or Ivor the Terrible as the thing you remembered from this informative article.

karl: It was just little bits like that — talking about him, there was a thing about someone who worked for that fella who painted the ceiling.

ricky: Sistine Chapel?

karl: Yeah. There was a thing— a woman who worked for him in his house and umm...

ricky: I love how you

ricky: Assimilate information when it's just bordering on the academic, or just the interesting and true. It's wonderful. "Ivor the Terrible, gouged someone's eyes out cause he built him a house." "That fella who painted that ceiling, had a woman work for him." Imagine if you wrote that down in an essay.

ricky: Imagine if you wrote that in a school essay!

steve: Well, you'd probably end up with not getting a grade, or...

ricky: Yeah, or thinking you turned up to more than you had.

steve: Exactly. Anyway...

ricky: Go on.

steve: ...the woman who lived with...

ricky: The woman who lived in a

ricky: Shoe, go on.

karl: No there was this woman who lived with him...

ricky: Yep.

karl: ...and she used to go out and do all their shopping and that.

steve: Yeah.

karl: But because she couldn't read or write he used to have to draw everything that he wanted.

steve: Why couldn't he just tell her?

karl: I dunno.

ricky: No, but that— no wait, that's an excellent point. Could she talk?

karl: Yeah, but if it's a big list and that, loads of different coloured paints and stuff...

steve: Then why couldn't she draw it on a piece of paper? Why did he have to do it?

karl: Because he's a better drawer in't he?

steve: That's the point, that's it. We were just looking for the logic of the story, you've found it.

ricky: You've done it, play a record.

ricky: "He's a better drawer..."

ricky: This is the Best Of show on Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant.

steve: Yessss.

ricky: I hope you're enjoying the Best Of.

steve: I'm amazed that these are the highlights and that we've strung it out this long, Rick.

ricky: Well the good thing about this is, we're not here, we recorded this a couple weeks ago, just the links, right? This has taken us about 10 minutes for the whole show, we get paid the same. Why don't we do this every week?

steve: Ha, it's a great idea. High five!

ricky: Listen to this clip, it's brilliant.

steve: I think that my new

steve: TV is too big, Rick.

ricky: I said that, when you bought it!

steve: I know, I don't know what I was thinking.

ricky: But I can't believe it, he talked about this— buying it, he's got a bit of cash now, of course. And what is it, 42 inches?

steve: Mmm.

ricky: 42-inch plasma screen. What'd it cost you, three grand or somat?

steve: Well don't tell— that's gauche...

ricky: Well, it's ridiculous...

steve: ...three and a half, three and a half grand.

ricky: Three and a half grand, big spender. Of course it's too big.

steve: Well, I can't get far enough back in my room, in my living room for it.

ricky: You know— you're meant to be I think four times the screen size away from it.

steve: Really?

ricky: To get

ricky: So that's four times 42 inches you're meant to be sitting away from it, which is impossible.

steve: Yeah. Er. Well, I'll have to just get friendly with the neighbours.

ricky: Yeah, watch it through a hatch.

steve: Yeah

karl: If- if-if that's the case though, aren't you better off just getting a portable?

steve: What?

karl: I don't understand that rule. What are you saying?

ricky: Well you're meant to be four times the screen size away from the TV. That's the ratio.

karl: But then what's the point of having a big telly if you got to keep moving further back?

karl: Get a portable, and sit near it.

steve: And sit right next to it.

ricky: Do see your point. Why do people go to the cinema, then?

karl: It's to see films that aren't out yet.

steve: Fair enough, he's got you there.

karl: Done.

steve: I tell you this though. I had it delivered and umm- are you supposed to tip delivery men?

ricky: Course you are.

steve: I don't know. You see.

ricky: Well. Well if er-

steve: I've never had anything delivered before, I've never spent enough money.

ricky: Well no, not if it's a courier with an envelope. But if it's a bloke who's struggled up the stairs,

steve: I held the door open for him.

ricky: Two fat blokes with a fridge then give em a fiver for drink.

steve: But the problem was, I didn't realize and I was thinking to myself "I wonder if I've got tip him" and the guy was leaving and my mobile phone went off in my pocket, and I reach in to get it, at he reached his hand out thinking it was a tip. I went "oh, it's just my phone".

ricky: Ohhh.

steve: But I felt terrible after he left, I didn't know. What I was gonna do? Run down the street and offer him a fiver?

ricky: No.

steve: Of course not.

ricky: No. No.

steve: I'm not made of money, I just spent a - on a tv.

ricky: Yeah, I got no money mate.

steve: No.

ricky: I just spent it all on this.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I had to clean out my jar.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Everything. The drawers.

steve: Yeah. Take some, yeah, bottles back.

ricky: What, what d'you-

steve: The problem was it took forever for me to wire it in.

steve: I thought I'm not going to pay for someone to wire it up, you know, so I took about three hours to wire it in and it was huge and I got it switched on and the first program that was on when I got it wired in was Bargain Hunt. I'll tell you this, David Dickinson's tan almost took my eyeballs out. It was incredible...zhing....ah it was like x-rays! Extraordinary.

ricky: So close.

steve: The glow!

ricky: Y'know a huge plasma screen with this orange thing coming out.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Zzzzzz. And he keeps- and he keeps turning to the camera, doesn't he?

steve: Course, that grin.

ricky: Just to get you. Yeah. He turns away, you get a bit closer. You go "what's he doing". And he just turns around.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Takes the cornea off.

steve: What do you think? Bargain Hunters, Bargain Hunters, Bargain Hunters.

ricky: Oh dear, that's why i'd buy a plasma screen. To watch Bargain Hunt.

steve: To watch Bargain Hunt. I mean, it's ludicrous. This is the problem, is because, yeah what do you watch?

karl: I mean, have you watched anything that's been worth having-?

steve: The only thing i've watched, that's really worth watching.

ricky: 24.

steve: Well, yeah. 24 works great. But also films, obviously, that's the main reason i bought it.

ricky: Mmm.

steve: Cause films just look amazing on it.

ricky: Yeah. DVD on- on the plasma screen.

karl: Yeah that's it. If you're into films n that. It's just that I only, y'know, i've only got the 5 channels, and flicking about, I'm- I'm not impressed.

steve: Ha.

karl: I mean, i can understand why more people listen to radio and stuff..

steve: Yeah.

karl: Cause-

ricky: Well, not this one, but go on.

karl: Well. When was it. When was, er. The last time i sort of sat down and had time, because i'm always busy doing stuff n that.

ricky: Sure.

karl: Umm.

ricky: Moaning takes up about 3 hours a day.

steve: Mm.

karl: When did, when did, Wimbledon, er, finish?

ricky: Couple of weeks ago.

karl: Right. Found meself sat there, right. And i'm not having a go - i know we stopped Cheeky Freak of the Week n all that, right.

ricky: Christ.

karl: So I'm not- I'm not going to be having a go.

ricky: Christ almighty.

karl: I'm sat there.

ricky: I'm scared.

karl: No. I'm not having a go. You've always got to remember that.

ricky: Go on. Just get on with it.

karl: I'm just telling you what goes on.

ricky: I'll apologise after.

karl: I'm just saying, watching Wimbledon. It wasn't, er, you know, one of the major games, it was, er.

ricky: Right.

karl: Little fellas in a- in a wheelchair. Having a- having a game.

ricky: Little fellas, in a wheelchair?

steve: Right.

karl: But, for me. I mean, you know, great, they're doing a sport and everything. Don't put it on the telly.

ricky: What was up with it?

karl: It wasn't- there wasn't, like, a rally going on.

ricky: Oh, god.

karl: No, d'you know what i mean? D'you know normally, like, with the- with the- well not Tim Henman- but with some of the other

karl: With some of the other players n that, they're playing for ages aren't they?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's like "ah who's gonna win this" n that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: None of that. It was just like, hit it - net.

ricky: Christ! Oh God! I don't know what to do! Wh-wh-wh.

karl: People. People were, like, sat there watching it as well. When they've got other games going on in there. That's what I couldn't understand. If you've paid your money-

ricky: Oh God.

karl: To get in.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I mean, like i say - good on 'em, if they- d'you know what I mean? But it would have been-

ricky: And they always start first in the marathon.

karl: I just thought it would, y'know, give em' a game of swingball or something.

steve: Yeah

karl: Know what i mean?

steve: Yeah yeah yeah, I understand.

ricky: Oh God.

steve: Yeah.

karl: There's never anything on.

ricky: XFM in the community.

steve: Let's play a tune. Ricky Gervais. Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk.

ricky: Don't put my name to this last link! Don't put my name to this last link!

steve: Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk.

ricky: Ohh.

steve: Magic, Virgin, if you're listening. We are available, probably sooner than we thought!

ricky: That was Radiohead and There There. Er, we're not here here, alright? Pre-recorded. Coming up is, er, one of Karl's little film things. Where he puts himself into a film. It's his favourite film, it's Kez. Enjoy it.

ricky: I love the fact that in pole position, in positions 1 and 2, of his favourite films of all time, it's The Elephant Man and Kez.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That's brilliant.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Right.

karl: Am I leaving the mics open a bit when this is going out?

steve: Yeah, let's have a listen.

ricky: Uhhh-yeah.

karl: Yeah? Alright. So don't talk then, right?

steve: Just put that hot dog down, Rick.

karl: And this is the bit in Kez, where it's the teacher and, and, and he gets up and he has to talk-

ricky: Glover. What's his name, is it Brian Glover?

karl: No no.

ricky: No.

karl: No it's the other teacher.

ricky: The other one.

steve: Anyway.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Alright. So, here we go.

kez teacher: Things that have actually happened. I'll get another one.

kez teacher: What about you Caspar? Caspar!?

kez karl: Alright?

kez teacher: Alright?

kez karl: Alright.

kez teacher: You haven't been listening to a word i've said, have you?

kez karl: Um, yeah i have. I heard, er, i heard some of it yeah you-

kez teacher: Some of it!?

kez karl: Just.

kez teacher: Stand up! Always somebody isn't there, eh? Right are you going to tell us a story about yourself?

kez karl: Wh-what sort of story?

kez teacher: I want you to think of an incident that happened to you sometime in the past. That is true. And that you think will interest the rest of the class. Alright?.

kez karl: Alright. Errr. Errr. Er, what about, er, I work- I work on a, erm, er radio show at the weekend.

kez teacher: Well are you going to tell us about it?

kez karl: Well I just, ummm, just do. It's 2 hours, and it's it's with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.

kez karl: And errr, just sort'o play music and yeah tell stories and stuff.

kez teacher: What kind of stories?

kez karl: Well, whatever, last week it was science. We were talking about, er, this lad who was growing er, a knob on his arm, sir. It's weird. It's tricky sir, cause like with Ricky. He gets bored quick, and he stops listening to the stories and he'll start squeezing me head.

kez teacher: Alright, calm down.

teacher: All right, I'm not interested in what he does.

karl: That isn't, that isn't normal, is it, Sir? That. Do you know what I mean? I'm sure he's a bit gay.

teacher: Is he?

karl: Just messes about though. Do you know what I mean? I try and like, come up with good stuff like Monkey News and like, quizzes and stuff but then he'll just, you know, Ricky will just mess about. I mean, on Saturday he did it again. He squoze me head.

child: How do you spell that?

karl: Squoze? S-Q--

teacher: All right, all right. Let's hear a little more. It's a new word to me.

karl: Squoze is S-Q-U-O-Z-E, all right.

teacher: Right, now tell us what it is.

karl: It's when, it's when he gets me head and he puts one hand on the back of it, right? And he puts the other hand on the front of it and he just sort of swivels it.

teacher: Swivels? Write that on the board.

karl: Swivel's not a... It's spelt S-W-I-V-R...

child: How many times a day?

karl: How many times a day has he squoze it? It depends what time he gets in. If he gets in about half past twelve, he could get three in.

karl: But I think you know, I don't really want to talk about it.

teacher: Well done, Billy. Big round of applause.

ricky: That is, the effort.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Oh wow. That's the best thing you've ever done, Karl.

steve: 50 Cent, In Da Club on Xfm 104.9.

ricky: We're playing our favourite singles of the year.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And we're looking back over some of our our favourite clips of the year. I'm Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington, not done a lot. Maybe you should earn your money as you get Mondays off for this two hours of nonsense.

karl: What you on about? I've done loads of stuff.

steve: Same old, same old!

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Let's have something new! Something fresh.

karl: I've been looking around, right? On the internet for stuff.

steve: On the internet?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Your Bible, where you get all your information about the world and the universe and morality from.

karl: And do you know like, how I always say to you I don't really read that much of it, I just read the headline.

ricky: Perfect.

karl: Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Ananova have sort of nicked that idea to grab you.

ricky: Nicked what idea?

karl: Well to sort of get to the meat, straight away at the top. Do you know what I mean? The headline to the story and everything.

steve: What?

karl: Right, these are stories--

steve: But the headlines already existed! That was why you thought that was a good idea!

karl: Nah, not like this though.

steve: All right.

karl: Headline. These are all headlines, right? Vibrating shoes could stop elderly falling.

karl: Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Oh God!

steve: Vibrating shoes could stop elderly falling?

karl: Yeah, that's the story. You don't need to read on. That's what I'm saying.

ricky: Well, could you read on anyway?

karl: Can't be bothered.

ricky: Read on anyway.

karl: Well, you have a look at that in a bit, right?

steve: All right.

ricky: This is frustrating radio if you're sitting at home.

karl: No but it's--

ricky: It's not on, they've turned it off.

karl: If you wanna know more, you know where to go. That's what I'm saying. That's what they should do in the news. Get the news done in--

ricky: Bong! There's a good story about--

ricky: About Iraq!

karl: Right.

ricky: Bong! Look it up. Look it up on the internet. Ananova.

karl: Give us another bong.

ricky: Bong!

karl: "Family sick of living on Butt Hole Road."

steve: Oh, that's brilliant.

ricky: Oh, brilliant. Bong!

karl: "Man wears same shoes for 60 years."

ricky: Oh! Bong!

karl: This isn't that good. "Some fella pulls a train with his teeth."

ricky: Oh, god!

steve: 'And in lighter news...'

ricky: I love the fact - imagine Trevor McDonald: "This one isn't very good."

karl: And, uh, the last one: "Man fails to break clothes pegs on face record."

karl: Which is always good. But that's - that's the one I did read on about.

ricky: I love that, out of all those, that's the one he read on about! Go on then.

karl: Just, erm -

ricky: Why is that news? He fails to make a record.

steve: Mmm.

ricky: So did I today.

steve: I know, yeah!

ricky: I failed the long jump record today!

steve: Yeah. Didn't even take part!

ricky: No, I was rubbish.

karl: But what are the rules on on world records and that?

ricky: I don't - I dunno if there are rules. There are certain things you can't - I mean, it's the Guinness Book of Records, isn't it, really, that's the arbiter innit?

karl: Yeah, but, is there anything if you said you wanted to do it, they'd say "well, you can't do that."

ricky: Yeah, they've - they've stopped some gluttony records, obviously things that are dangerous, anything that's illegal. Yeah, anything that's immoral.

steve: Yeah, like that - that American serial killer that just got discovered.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And he killed 47 women. I don't think he can make that into the Guinness Book of Records.

ricky: No, because people will be trying to beat it, won't they?

karl: But, there was some - some other story about a fella eating watches and that. That can't be good for you. So why don't they say "look, don't do that. Do something else."

ricky: He wanted to stay regular!

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Do you know what I mean though? I just - I just wondered -

ricky: What do you mean he was eating watches?

karl: It just said he was eating watches. He got - he ate about three in about a minute.

ricky: How did he - how did he time it?

karl: Do you know what I mean though? And then, the other thing is, the one - the one that I was reading, the world record with the fella who's pulling a train -

ricky: Mmm.

karl: - with his teeth.

ricky: Mmm.

karl: Does - does that make any difference, that he's done it with his teeth?

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Well, what difference does it make?

ricky: Well, isn't it - it's quite hard to pull a train with your teeth, I imagine.

karl: Well, it's pretty hard to pull a train. All I'm saying is: is it - is it because he couldn't beat the fella who's pulling it with his hands?

ricky: Well, this is my point. I think there was one bloke with the record for the backwards - running backwards 100 metres, was sort of like 11 and a half seconds. And I was thinking, "turn around you'd probably - you'd probably have a really good go at that."

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: It's sort of like doing a marathon with a milk bottle on your head. Take the milk bottle off and see how fast you can go, you twat.

steve: Exactly.

karl: But you can just tweak it, like the fellow who has done the pegs on the face, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Erm, his name's Gary 'Stretch' Turner, right?

ricky: Right.

karl: So it's sort of cheating, already, if he's - if he's got a stretchy head. Right? But -

ricky: You are, right -

ricky: You are one of the most stupid humans I have ever met.

karl: Well, get me in the book!

karl: Right? But listen -

karl: So Gary "Stretch" Turner, right, his record is 153 pegs.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: He did it again, and he only got 150 on. So he hasn't broke his own record.

ricky: Right.

karl: But what I'm saying is, if he tweaked it a bit more would that make a new record?

ricky: What?

karl: Well, if he said "I've got 150 pegs on, but at the same time I was eating a burger"...

steve: I see what you mean, yeah.

ricky: Yeah. Or he said...

steve: He'd be the world record breaker for pegs and eating burgers at the same time.

karl: Yeah, just change it a bit. If you know you're not going to make it just do something else.

steve: I'm assuming the rules are set at the beginning Karl, that's it. That's— they say "right, you're just gonna do the pegs thing, you're not going to introduce burgers halfway through are you?" "Definitely not." And then they have a go.

ricky: "I was on one leg." "Not interested, how many pegs?" "150."

steve: Can I just ask very briefly

steve: I was quite interested by the family who had to move cause they lived on Butt Hole Road.

ricky: Yeah, I quite like that one.

steve: Now, I don't know if I've told you before, Rick, where I used to live. I'm not going to tell you the name of the street that I used to live on, not on air, because my parents still live there and I don't want to, you know...

ricky: Right.

steve: But I'm going to write it for you now. This is the name, the genuine name of the street I used to live on. Now just imagine when you're at school...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...and in class, for instance, in French, you've got to answer where you live.

ricky: Yep.

steve: "J'habite wherever..."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: That's the name, this is actually the name of the street we lived on.

ricky: No it's not!

steve: I swear to God!

ricky: That is...

steve: Absolutely— right, I could phone my father now and he could confirm that for me. I swear...

ricky: Well no because he doesn't want to...

steve: ...to God.

ricky: That's— but listen, you know what worries me? It's the apostrophe-S.

steve: I know.

ricky: Because that's blatant.

steve: Yes. Amazing, isn't it?

ricky: That is incredible.

steve: But imagine how embarrassing that was.

ricky: So if I look that up in the Bristol...

steve: You will find that in the Bristol A-Z. I swear to God.

ricky: That is really— why have you never told me that before?

steve: I can't believe I haven't.

ricky: That's incredible.

steve: I'm still embarrassed now.

steve: Do you know— whenever I have to phone up, if I have to give that address, I always spell it instantly.

ricky: Really?

steve: Like somehow that will hide it, that will disguise the name.

ricky: But I can't get over that.

steve: Anyway, if you perhaps live in Tits Avenue...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...you know, or...

ricky: Wanklin Drive.

steve: Wanklin Drive. Just get in touch, let us know, we're not really interested.

ricky: This is the Best Of show on Xfm 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais with me Stephen Merchant.

steve: Yeessss.

ricky: I hope you're enjoying the Best Of.

ricky: I know what you're thinking: "if this is the best, my Christ! What was the rest like?" Well, we'll be back in a week's time so you can judge it for yourself, live. But anyway, in the meantime, this is one of the best clips I've ever heard.

steve: I'm laughing just thinking about what it might be.

ricky: He said— oh, God! It's like a child or a cat when it's confused. He went, "Steve reckons in ancient Greece, right, it was better to shag a bloke than a woman", and I went

ricky: "Well, yeah..." I mean, that's about the male being a first class citizen...

steve: Yeah.

ricky: ...much better, wasn't it, an aspiration to sleep with a beautiful man than a beautiful woman.

steve: The point was Karl, women were lower class citizens.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So therefore men were seen as a higher class, so to have sexual relations with a man was— there was no shame in that.

ricky: No.

steve: In fact it was looked upon as a good thing.

ricky: And I said, well you know, ancient Rome. I said Nero, he used to sit in his big jacuzzi and he used to get, you know, pretty boy men to go under the water and just nibble at his testicles.

ricky: -- while he's having a wash.

karl: No, he didn't do that.

ricky: He - he did!

karl: Mmm. Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And he's not a gay fella?

ricky: No. Well, no. I mean, you know, I don't know about Nero but I mean it wasn't - it wasn't the case of a big delineation between what was heterosexual and what was gay. It was just - you know, whatever your --

karl: So, what - what did this fella do then? This one who's havin' his --

ricky: Well he was - he was pretty much top - top boy, Nero, for a while.

steve: Yeah. He was in charge.

ricky: And uh, you know, and they - you did what - you did what you were told. If uh, Caesar or, you know --

karl: Well, why were people going 'round there, why didn't they go, "Oh" --

ricky: No, they weren't droppin' in. They - it wasn't like the door's open, "I'm just gonna see what Nero's doing." You'd probably been like a delivery boy or a stable boy or something, you know? And you'd have popped 'round there and you would've gone, "You right, Nero? There's the - there's the tablets of stone you wanted." And he'll go, "Pilkington, while you are here, pop on" - I don't know why he's French.

steve: What - what is that?

ricky: I don't know why's hes French. "Just pop under the water and nibble at my testicles", and you would've done it.

steve: 'Cause he was Nero.

karl: I wouldn't.

ricky: You would've. You - you --

karl: There's no - there's no way I would've done.

ricky: You - well, you would've.

karl: What have I done, I've dropped a pizza off? Why - why am I there?

steve: Yeah, you've dropped 'round to Nero's place with a pizza.

ricky: "I've dropped a pizza off", genius!

karl: Right, right, I'd - I'd say, "I've done me job."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: "That's not the sort of tip I wanted."

ricky: Yeah, no. He'd have said, "Get the little baldy chap to nibble at my testicles" and you'd have gone under the water.

karl: No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't have done it.

ricky: No - well, you'd have --

steve: Well, you'd have your head underwater for Nero.

ricky: You'd have done it, right --

karl: No, I wouldn't have done that, so --

ricky: Can I just say this, Steve? Not only would you be nibbling at his testicles, you'd have been going mad, you'd have been noshing him just for extra - you'd have had a - you'd be doing everything he wanted. You'd have been going - he'd have gone, "I didn't ask you to do that!" You'd have been going mental, there'd have been chewing, slurping --

karl: Right.

ricky: -- smacking, poking, you'd have chopped - you'd have - you'd have gnawed his --

karl: Right.

ricky: -- packet off. You'd think you were eating Walkers Crisps. There'd be bubbles, there'd be - oh, it'd have been horrible.

ricky: That was Bowie, Waterloo Sunset. Love that. Love the original. Love Bowie. Bowie was my gig of the year. These are my singles of the year, these are our clips of the year. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We're just picking some lovely little bits and pieces.

steve: Do you remember when we talked about this?

karl: That's the sort of thing I think we need now, right? We've covered a lot of stuff.

ricky: What, education?

karl: A lot of teaching, yeah.

ricky: Well - okay, um, what - what do you wanna know?

karl: Uh, dunno. Just --

steve: Have you got something? Can you educate us on anything?

karl: I've been reading bits and bobs.

steve: So could we bring back - just for one - one - for one night only, Educating Ricky?

ricky: Oh, I'm excited.

steve: Yeah?

karl: Uh --

steve: Do you think it warrants that?

karl: I don't - I don't know enough about it. Do you know what I mean?

ricky: About what?

steve: It sounds perfect, play the jingle.

ricky: Oh, Educating Ricky! He's getting smarter.

karl: Couple of things happened in the week that I read about.

steve: Okay.

karl: Keeping up on what's going on and that.

steve: Sure.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uh, one was about - about that Galileo fella.

steve: Okay.

karl: Uh, was it about 1636?

ricky: Oh!

steve: Oh!

ricky: Go on.

karl: Was it? Was it?

ricky: I think it might've been earlier.

steve: It's not bad.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Did some --

karl: -- did stuff with light and that? Is he, uh --

ricky: Yep, he did lots of physical experiments, yeah.

steve: Is that it then, Karl, is it?

karl: That - that - that's sort of --

steve: He did - he did some stuff with light and that?

karl: Well, what did he do with light? What was that?

ricky: Well, he did - he - well, he, uh - I think he invented the first --

steve: Telescope.

ricky: -- uh, yeah, telescopes. So, I don't - I - I - I think it's a particular lens though, that that - um, and uh, he did experiments where he dropped two - um, famously, two different uh, weighted, uh, balls from pizza - Pisa. And uh, they hit the ground at the same time, showing that the - it doesn't matter. The weight doesn't matter. Air resistance does and stuff like that.

steve: I think he probably explained it a bit better than that.

ricky: Yeah. But I'm talking to Karl.

steve: Sure.

karl: Did - did - did they need to know stuff --

steve: He's just thinking about pizza.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Did they need to know stuff like that back then?

ricky: What do you mean, "Did they need to know stuff like that?" It's just - it's just --

steve: There weren't people going around going, "I've gotta drop these two things off the bleeding Tower of Pisa, I just don't know which one's gonna land first."

ricky: I don't - yeah, "I need to know." "Why'd you need to know that?"

steve: "Bring me Galileo."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "It's for a bet."

ricky: Yeah.

karl: No, but if I was knocking about then, I'd be like, "Stop messing with that, we need a telly" or - do you know what I mean?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I bet he thinks the Flintstones is real.

steve: I know.

ricky: Like, "That'd be brilliant, that's what I'd do if I was a caveman, I'd make a telly out of rock."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "And a pelican as a cement mixer."

steve: "And a car that I'd just ran along the road with."

ricky: Ex - yeah, exactly, yeah, "We need a car!"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Well, we haven't really got the internal combustion engine, can you stick your feet through the bottom?" "Yeah, just get me a car for Christ's sake!"

karl: Anyway, so I learnt that. And then um --

ricky: What - what?

steve: You learnt his name?

ricky: Yeah!

steve: Other people I know the name of this week --

ricky: Brilliant. Oh, if a chimp could watch telly. Go on, Karl, go on.

karl: And there was also a fella in the week who said uh, that women shouldn't be wearing trousers.

ricky: Why?

karl: 'Cause they don't look good in 'em. What do you think - what do you think about that?

ricky: It's rubbish.

karl: Yeah.

steve: These are the only things that have caught your eye over the last couple of weeks? This is the entire news?

ricky: Galileo did something with light, a French fella said women shouldn't wear trousers. See that - that, to me, wouldn't pass as education.

steve: But it's not education.

ricky: I don't know where you could ever use that. I don't know whether - if that would ever be applicable to life.

karl: I just - I just like reading stuff that sort of reminds me of - do you know what I mean, if I read it and it gets me thinking, I think that's - that's a good little piece.

ricky: But I mean - but surely me - sure - can't you just, like - like, sit near something that vibrates to keep your brain going or shake your head every now and again? I mean, what - what does this do? You mean, it makes you start using your brain?

steve: But what aspect of the, "A frenchman said women shouldn't wear trousers" got your mind working? What questions were you asking?

karl: Because I thought that's - that's a bit - that's a bit daft, innit? Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And I was thinking --

steve: Okay, it ends there with me. There's nothing else - there's nowhere else for me to go on that.

ricky: He closes the --

steve: Your mind's still whirring.

ricky: Yeah, go on, what did you think? Let - let's go through this. Oh, I wish we could download his thoughts.

steve: I know, I know.

ricky: Just watch it.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I - I - wouldn't it be great? Like a DVD of that.

steve: It'd be a cartoon.

ricky: Imagine that extra footage on The Office DVD, Karl --

steve: Yeah, Karl's brain.

ricky: That'd be amazing.

steve: With a commentary.

ricky: Oh, with a commentary!

karl: What I mean is --

ricky: Go on.

karl: -- women wearing - wearing trousers and that, right? On the estate that I grew up in --

ricky: Yeah.

karl: -- on - on, right? Uh, there was a woman about four houses down, right? Rough. Now, she used to wear leggings. Now, they're a bad idea.

steve: They are a terrible idea, I agree with you there, Karl. If you are a lady of --

ricky: What --

steve: ...the enormo persuasion?

ricky: ...colour, were they pink?

karl: No they were black, but with all bits on them.

ricky: Oh, right.

karl: D'you know what I mean?

ricky: What, toast? And horse droppings?

karl: Just bits,

ricky: Yeah, go on yeah.

karl: And she used to— she's quite a big woman.

steve: Sure.

karl: Pauline Quirk, I think we described her as.

ricky: Looked like a light bulb, when she was bending over in leggings.

steve: It is those kind of women who are attracted to leggings.

ricky: Yeah. I know, yeah.

steve: They are drawn to them like a moth to a flame.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: She used to wear them and that's what I remembered when I read this piece.

karl: She used to work on one of those sex line things, right...

steve: Right.

karl: ...she used to do that. But—

steve: What was she, an engineer?

karl: The weird thing with her was, she had big eyelids...

steve: Right.

ricky: Go on.

karl: ...that were too big. And this is what I was thinking, right...

ricky: What do you mean she had big eyelids? How big do eyelids have to be for you to go "they're big eyelids!"

ricky: What was she shoplifting with them? Would she come out of Dixon's with, like, radios stored in them? What do you mean she had big eyelids?

karl: No it was another one of them popular things round our way. Do you know like—

ricky: What do you mean popular things?! They didn't go "ooh I tell ya what they're all the rage, can I get some big eyelids please?"

karl: No no no, it was just one of them things that people suffered with. Just big eyelids, they could hardly open their eyes.

ricky: What do you mean?! What d'you mean?! [imitating Karl] "That's one of them popular things round where I grew up, people who had big eyelids. They could hardly open their eyes." What does that mean? What sort of freak town were you born in?!

karl: It's just...

ricky: You had webbed feet people

ricky: With big heads, you've got women with big eyelids... what does big eyelids mean?

steve: Are you confusing her with the horse?

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Did she have hooves? Look, what—

steve: Anyway, so there's this big eyelidded woman with the leggings.

karl: That's what I'm saying to you though, when I read that story with people with trousers...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...I went from that...

steve: Yeah.

karl: ...into that.

ricky: To a woman who used to have big eyelids! Still— I still don't know the point!

karl: But then, and also the other bloke who had the eyelid problem was a mate of mine.

steve: Right.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: His dad had it

karl: Same problem— massive eyelids.

ricky: I don't know what that means.

steve: Ha, I don't know what that means.

karl: And I used to say to me mam, "oh I'm going round to, you know, Dave's house."

steve: Yeah. Or Droopy, as you called him.

karl: She'd just say "well, that's alright, but make sure his dad doesn't take you out in the car", because he could hardly...

karl: He could hardly see. He had to have his head...

steve: He had to tilt his head back to keep his eyelids open?

ricky: "Make sure..." Didn't he have a couple of matches with him at all times?

steve: What a load of gobbledegook! I like the fact

steve: This began as Educating Ricky...

ricky: I know and it's like, people with eyelids...

steve: But it's like, you're supposed to make that leap as well.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: "If I mention the trousers, Ricky'll probably be thinking of people with big eyelids..."

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: "...and women wearing leggings."

ricky: Play a record, Karl.

ricky: This is the Best Of show on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant.

steve: Yeeessss.

ricky: I hope you're enjoying the Best Of.

karl: Like I said to you, though.

ricky: Hmm?

karl: The reason I did this...

ricky: Yeah?

karl: ...was to get that kitchen, right? Now...

ricky: Brilliant.

karl: As we speak now, right, builder's in the flat. He's been annoying me.

steve: Course he has.

ricky: Course he has. What's he been doing?

karl: When he turned up on Monday, right...

ricky: Yeah?

karl: ...wanders in, and the first thing he says to me is, "the pub across the road, is it any good?" I said "well it doesn't matter, does it, you're working on the kitchen."

ricky: Think of saying that to a builder! Probably making conversation, probably meant "do they

ricky: They do a toasted sandwich? 'Cause I got a half-hour lunch break not an hour like Karl Pilkington!

karl: Mmm. Mmm.

ricky: So uhh... I pop in there and get a nice, you know, cheese and tomato sandwich...

steve: Is that genuinely what you said to him? The first thing you said to him?

ricky: Yeah!

karl: Yeah. So Su... Suzanne had a go at me saying "Why have you said that? He hasn't even started on it yet."

ricky: I cannot believe that!

steve: You're unbelievable Karl. And you say it's us that are rude, crass, thoughtless.

karl: I wasn't being rude. I just was... I just was letting him know. D'you know what I mean? I know what they're up to.

ricky: He knows what he was there for! He had it down on his little docket, "Do the kitchen this week."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He didn't come in there and go "What the f... What did I come out for? Was it to go to the pub for a week?"

karl: Mmm.

steve: "Why am I wearing these overalls?"

ricky: "Yeah! Who's the little bald manc twat insulting me? Let me just check. Let me call the head office."

karl: I wasn't 'avin a go though. I mean they should've finished it yesterday and they're there now.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: On their own. And what annoyed me is, they turned up late today.

ricky: Hold on! Karl! I've just realised something. They're probably listening to the radio which is, I assume, tuned to XFM, isn't it in your kitchen?

karl: Yeah, but they don't know it's me, do they? You know what I mean?

ricky: No... They'd go "He's got a whiny manc voice as well, so does the bloke who owns this place! And, the bloke who owns this place, when I said, what's that pub like across the road said, well you won't be bothered with that." No, he won't be able to put two and two together would he? You've suddenly... The penny's dropped, hasn't it? You've suddenly realised... Look at his face!

steve: Yeah!

ricky: He's suddenly realised they might know it's him!

steve: And they could be listening. And they're gonna clean you out, mate.

ricky: Oh... If you are the builder working in uh... Where is it? I won't say the address, but it's...

steve: Central London, isn't it?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Go mental! Have whatever you want. Seriously.

ricky: Opposite that... Opposite that pub that you like. That you're...

karl: He'll probably be in there now! So he won't be listening. You know what I mean?

ricky: Oh, insulting! Insulting a british workman. Just go mental!

karl: He should've been in today... He should've been in at eight this morning, which annoyed me anyway. Why... I really don't understand why they've got to start so early. Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But he said he'll be there for eight. Turned up at half nine.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? Wanders in... And what annoys me is, he could've left all this downstairs. He had a paper under his arm...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ... one of those crossword books...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ... and a pot noodle!

karl: Now, I'm not being funny but most of them take up quite a bit of time. A crossword book, he's not happy with just the one that's in the paper.

ricky: If you're listening... If you are the builder that's listening now doing Karl's flat. What about pissing in the laundry basket?

ricky: That was uhh... Jane's Addiction, this is the "best of" show on XFM. 104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Stephen Merchant.

steve: Yes!

ricky: This was a clip show, we recorded this a couple of weeks ago. Uhm... I hope you had a Merry Christmas. Uhm... It's not over yet because tonight at 9:50 is the second part of the Office Christmas specials. It's brilliant. Watch it! And we'll be back next week live. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Stephen Merchant. Bye!

steve: Have a great New Year!

steve: Probably you're thinking, Rick, uhm... Isn't it time that we do our usual round-up of what's been happening in the news?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Which we always do every week.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: We always do something... I mean basically if you're listening and you're a new listener, say you work at a newspaper. We always try to be informative, just trying to put stuff out there that just educates people, informs people...

ricky: What're you thinking? We'll I said, Monkey News is coming up, but what've you got?

steve: Yeah. No, I was just looking on the net, there. I just found a couple news stories probably worth mentioning. Uhm... "Policeman caught photographing..."

steve: I don't know why it makes me laugh. It's just the phrasing I suppose. It's just the headline.

ricky: Go on.

steve: "Policeman caught photographing up woman's skirt."

ricky: Now, he wasn't up there taking pictures of Big Ben.

steve: No...

ricky: He wasn't going "Can I just sit up here I just sit up here? I'm gonna take a picture of that seagull over there."

steve: No.

ricky: He was facing the camera up a woman's skirt.

steve: He was indeed.

ricky: Right.

steve: A policeman in Japan is facing disciplinary measures after he was caught photographing up.

steve: -- "up a woman's skirt, with a hidden camera while on duty. The 42-year-old sergeant, who's not been named, used a digital camera to secretly snap the shots when the woman was reporting a stolen bicycle."

ricky: So he was actually --

steve: He was actually doing his proper job, he'd obviously thought to himself, "I'll bring in me digital camera today on the off-chance a beautiful woman comes in to report a crime or robbery, I'll have it ready, I'll have it positioned, you know" --

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -- "in such a way." But this is interesting, this is how he got caught, okay? "The woman became suspicious after she saw a flash go off."

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: I mean, this --

ricky: Not so secret at all.

steve: "Sorry, did I just see your shoe - your shoe just seemed to just spring into life there, there was light. There was light coming from your shoe."

ricky: "Yeah, I think I'd had some - I'd - someone set fire to some magnesium or something, did it? It won't happen again."

steve: "No, no, no. There's only - there's only you and I in here, and your shoe was" --

ricky: Yeah.

steve: "It's suddenly lit up."

ricky: "Why are you standing like that? Why is your shoe just sort of, like, between my feet?"

steve: "There's no reason, this is how I always stand."

ricky: "There's no reason, just - just - where - what did the bike look like?" Flash. "Sir, are you taking pictures of my fanny?"

steve: "No. No, no, no, no, no. And no I'm not, and you should be wearing knickers anyway."

ricky: "Well, how'd you know that?"

steve: "What?"

ricky: "How did you know I'm not" --

steve: "How did I know what?"

ricky: "That I'm not wearing any" --

steve: "I didn't know you - I don't know what you've got up there."

ricky: "Well" --

steve: "I don't know what it looks like, and I know - there's no way I could." 'Course that - it would be the rough of that conversation in Japanese.

ricky: I know, yeah. Yeah.

karl: You know, um - you just mentioned there about, sort of, no knickers and that.

ricky: Is this gonna be your Aunty Nora?

karl: No, no, no, no.

ricky: Right.

karl: It's just - do you know, like, the - the last flat that I lived in, I always had a good view across the road and I could see, uh, there was the hairy - hairy --

steve: There was the hairy Chinese kid.

karl: Well, not hairy Chinese kid, he was just a Chinese kid, actually.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. 'Cause that's rare, innit? A hairy Chinese kid's very rare, innit?

karl: Yep.

ricky: There's only one official sighting, isn't there?

karl: Yep.

ricky: In one of those shit little magazines that you buy. No, go on.

karl: And there was the old woman who didn't move, she was just sat there reading a book all the time.

ricky: Who we think possibly had died and no one came around for weeks, yeah.

karl: But - and now I've moved, right?

steve: Mmm.

karl: And it was quiet for a bit. I always look at what view I'm getting, right?

steve: Sure.

karl: Uh, I'd looked across, there was just sort of empty sort of flats ready for people to move in, and that, right?

steve: Yeah.

karl: Anyway, people are in there now, right? Um, and they've put all the furniture in, but haven't put any curtains up, right? So anyway, I'm - I'm sort of washing up, just having a - having a look out the window.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? Uh, girl sort of, uh, wandering about. With no knickers on, right?

steve: With no knickers on?

ricky: You mean naked?

karl: No knickers. Well, she had a bra on.

ricky: Right, okay.

karl: But - but, uh --

steve: She was probably looking for her knickers.

karl: So, I thought, "Oh." And I don't know how long I was looking.

steve: No.

karl: Right? But anyway, she looks across.

ricky: Oh God.

karl: I think she's spotted me.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I think, "Oh God." I felt really bad.

steve: Yeah.

karl: I said to Suzanne --

ricky: Sorry, is this some sort of peeping tom confession?

steve: No idea!

karl: Well, it's - it's not - that's the thing, though.

ricky: Peepington.

karl: If - if I was peeping, she was peeping as well 'cause she was looking over. It works both ways, dunnit?

ricky: Yeah, but - but you're - yeah, all she could see of you was your bald head.

steve: Yeah.

karl: No, no, but this is it --

steve: And your hands moving as you were washing up. Yeah. And some white-looking substance frothing up.

ricky: "A particularly stubborn stain on this glass!" Oh God!

steve: Imagine that! Imagine if she looked across! I'm assuming your sink is lower --

steve: ... than the window?

ricky: But, but di-didn't she just like, just cover up, or something? Or did she look back and go "Oh, you're looking - you're looking at my fanny?"

karl: Well...

karl: The thing I did...

ricky: What?

karl: I thought, oh... Just, sort of drop me boxer shorts. Cos I thought...

steve: What!?

karl: Well, Suzanne said "What are you doing?".

steve: What are you talking about!? What are you talking about!?

karl: No! Just, just, just so they can see me cheeks of me... Arse.


karl: No, just - because I thought, if she thinks I'm walking about in the nude as well, then we've both got something out of it.

steve: Karl!

ricky: This sounds like - this sounds like a bad excuse in court.

steve: I know! I know!

ricky: So, sorry, you immediately - so, you were looking at a woman dancing around naked, right?

karl: Well...

ricky: So the only thing you could do was immediately drop your boxer shorts?

steve: So, she looked across, saw you fully clothed, saw you took your boxers down?

karl: No, she wouldn't have done. Because it's sort of just the top half and the sinks at a side angle so I was sort of looking outside.

ricky: This is genius!

steve: So she wouldn't - so she wouldn't have seen your trousers down anyway?

karl: No, she did. I moved in front of the window more.

steve: So you then made -

steve: You actually climbed in front of-

ricky: Oh! This is amazing!

steve: So you climbed in front of the window?

ricky: Oh! Oh!

steve: To show off your naked lower half?

karl: Not that - it wasn't that obvious. Suzanne said "What are you doing?"

steve: I bet she did!

ricky: "What you looking at!?".

steve: "I sent you in here to clean up!".

ricky: "What are you doing!?", "I'm just - I'm just taking my trousers down, standing on the window.", "Why?", "Because there's a naked woman across the road. What do you think I'm doing, Suzanne!? I'm exposing myself while looking at some free fanny!"

karl: Leave it, leave it, leave it.

ricky: "What's up with YOU, Suzanne!?".

steve: Wait a minute, can I just check?

steve: A final question, what did the woman across the way - what happened? What was her reaction?

karl: I didn't look again. I just thought "You-you've seen a bit of action as well. We're both happy, let's - let's leave it.".

ricky: Brilliant!

steve: So where you waddling around like a penguin with your trousers around your ankles?

karl: I just was walking about and Suzanne said "What are you doing?", I said "I'll explain to you in a bit, just don't look out the window because then... It's obvious.".

ricky: Excellent.

ricky: Then her hus - then he sees - she calls her husband to look at Karl walking around naked, he goes "Oh, she's got her - quick, Suzanne! Get 'em out!".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "There's only one willing - get some more friends! They've gone one more!".

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