XFM Vault - S03E11 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Snow Patrol and "Run" on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me is Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington --

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -- so that's... three for one. I don't know. Alright?

steve: Exciting, exciting. Oh, back again.

ricky: Um, news... news news news. Uh - breaking news is that there's only two more weeks of us before we have to go away on a little extended break again.

ricky: So um, can't give you any more details yet, we don't know when we can come back because uh, we don't know. What are we doing? We're going to um, America. We're doing the Golden Globes and then we're going to watch The Office pilot being filmed.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And then we got bits - I'm - I'm doing a bit of a tour. So it'll be... sort of the summertime, probably.

steve: Yeah. Yeah.

ricky: Um... I'm - I'm saying it like they - they care.

steve: Oh, they don't give a damn.

ricky: D'you know what I mean?

steve: Don't give a damn.

ricky: I sometimes think that, because, um, you think oh, you don't wanna let down the people, you want to be - keep it consistent, you want to give - but really

ricky: I know I like doing this more than anyone listening.

steve: Definitely.

ricky: D'you know what I mean?

steve: Definitely, definitely.

ricky: I love coming in, I love squeezing Karl's head.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I love playing some records. You know, I like sort of sitting in a room with you. I know you love it.

steve: Ah.

ricky: Ha ha, aye. Can't wait.

steve: I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing on a Saturday.

ricky: Yeah, so uh, we got our Saturdays back though.

steve: Yeah, that'll be great.

ricky: I mean, my alarm went off today and I was a bit tired because we - we had a couple of drinks last night didn't we?

steve: Last night yeah.

ricky: Yeah but we, you know, party, we're party animals. Um, but um, oh, I've been looking for an office this week, as you know,

ricky: And it's so stressful. Just walking around, just talking to - to agents and - right, uh, right, okay. So, my method is this, right. I walk 'round the area that I want to be - have an office in, 'cause I don't want to hear anything else, I don't wanna, you know I mean? So I walk 'round - to be fair it is about a square 500 yards.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right? It's sort of --

steve: Your house is in the center and there's --

ricky: Yeah, yeah, I walk - yeah. And uh, so I walk 'round and look at placards, I go "That's a nice office" and I phone 'em up - there's loads of different people you have to deal with, right. And they went "Oh, we got one in so-and-so street." I - I think

ricky: It was Fifth Street or something like that. I went "Oh yeah," I went along to - "and I'll see you there in 20 minutes." I got there - you were there, if you remember. I looked around and I said to Steve, it looks alright, there's no - no - no porn shops or anything like that, right. And Steve went "Well, it is next to a brothel." And I looked and there on the next thing, like, you know "model, first floor." Uh, "Susie, 03" - and I phoned him up and I said, "D'you know what? Um, don't bother coming here." He went "No?" I said, no, I said "'Cause it's next to a brothel." He went "Yeah." I went "Right, okay, just for future reference, I don't want

ricky: An office literally next to a brothel."

ricky: Right? When I go to work, I don't want to walk past prostitutes - call me old-fashioned.

steve: Yeah, as you're going into work, there's the prostitute. "Morning." "Morning."

ricky: "Morning." "Morning." Ohhh - "I just got a cappuccino." "Yeah?" "Starbucks, yeah." "Uh, business good?" "Yeah, it's a bit slow at the moment but it picks up later this evening." --

ricky: -- "Does it really? Good." And uh - I said - I said to him - I've got so, so - my - my New Year's resolution is being like a little fascist when it comes to business and - and I said uh, uh - "Also future reference,

ricky: Um, uh - no, no crack dens, and no wild animals in the porch." And uh, I - I just can't believe that there's always something wrong. We went to one, right, we got there, right? And uh - the woman said "Oh, I'm new here," she didn't - she didn't have - didn't know what keys she was using, and she went - it's the third floor - and uh, she went "There's no point, we won't both get in the lift." I went "Right, will you get a desk in the lift?" Right? She went "I've got a chair in the lift before."

ricky: Brilliant. So --

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -- just find me an office.

ricky: Rathbone Place, sort of Percy Street, Charlotte Street, Dean Street.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah? First or second floor.

steve: I'm worried we're gonna get emails from estate agents, phone calls from um, you know what those people are like.

ricky: I don't look at emails.

steve: Fair enough.

ricky: So, play a record.

ricky: Sexist.

ricky: Joe Jackson, Different For Girls.

steve: That's why he's not in the charts anymore.

ricky: I can't believe it!

steve: Unbelievable. You were talking about renting an office. I'm a little bit intimidated 'cause I'm just at the moment thinking about trying to buy a flat.

ricky: Sure.

steve: Because I'm just tired of pissing money down the drain.

ricky: I know. Yeah.

steve: And um, but I'm just I'm really petrified. I put it off and put it off because I just, I'm really gullible. I'm just, when I'm in confronted with anyone in a suit, who sort of knows what they're talking about, they can sell me anything, I'm intimidated. It's like, you know how you're supposed to go in there and you're supposed to sort of act like you're the guy with the money, you're, this is what I want and this is what I nah, nah, nah. I go in there and it's like I'm afraid they're going to say, "Clear off. I don't want this, I don't want to sell you a house. I'm not interested."

ricky: Have you ever thought of like, really putting on sort of like, some sort of cool air? Like sort of kicking the door and going, "Well wood's not oak."

ricky: He'd be found out in 30 seconds, wouldn't you? You'd go in there, you'd stub your toe and they'd go, "What are you kicking off about your toe?" Brilliant.

steve: Just tapping the walls.

ricky: Yeah, tapping the walls. "What's the, what's the rates like?" "What rates?" "I don't know."

steve: Well this is, do you remember? I don't know if I told you, before I went, I wanted to buy a laptop computer. Everyone said go up Tottenham Court Road, and I was reading like, magazines and stuff and they were saying, "Haggle. Make sure you haggle. Make sure you got a real plan in to haggle, get the best deal you can," and I found a shop which was selling the computer I wanted and I went in there and I had this whole plan in my mind of what was gonna happen. He was going to say like, "It's worth this." I'm going to go like, "Well look, I can get it cheaper here.

steve: I want to buy it from you. I'm going to haggle," and off I went. So I went in the shop and I said, "Yeah looking for this, interested in this Toshiba. How much is it?" He went, "Oh it's £1500," I went, "Sure, sure." I said, "I'll give you 1300," he went, "It's 1500." I said, "Sure but I'm willing to give you the 1300." He went, "1500" and I was done already because he hadn't even begun to haggle. I was assuming he'd at least go, "1400" and we could start but nothing. So now I'm screwed. My whole plan went out the window.

ricky: Yeah, what'd you do? Just leave?

steve: No I said to him, I said "The thing is, I can get this computer cheaper down the road, but you know, I like what you're providing here, I like your service. I've heard good stuff about you." And he went, I said "Seriously, I can walk down the street. I can buy it now for cheap, for like 1400," and he went, "Well, see you later then," and I was like, "Right." So I walked out the place. I said, "Well, I'm going to leave then," and I walked out the place and of course I wanted to get it from there because it was still the cheapest, so I had to walk back in again! I went, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just had some second thoughts. Listen. I'll tell you what, I'll pay you the 1500. Can I get a free carry case?"

steve: He went, "The carry case is free anyway." I said, "I'll take it."

ricky: The carry case is free anyway!

steve: I got nothing!

ricky: No but how much would you charge for that if it was on sale? The carry case is a tenner. Well, let's just say is a tenner. Give it to me for free. And he went, "No, it's a tenner." And you went, "Well you said it was free a minute ago!"

steve: It was just pathetic.

ricky: That is lovely.

steve: It's having to walk out, making a big statement and then come back in again.

ricky: Oh, oh dear.

steve: So I just, I'm really scared. I just, I feel like I need someone to come with me and do all the talking. You know, know what they're talking about because I don't--

steve: ...be able to tell if there's subsidence, or if there's damp or...

ricky: No, but you don't do that,

steve: Don't I? Are they not my responsibility?

ricky: No, you get a survey done.

steve: Sure

ricky: ...and then they charge for that, and then, yeah, you don't have to go around doing it yourself.

steve: Right, Can I make a saving if I did it myself?

ricky: Yeah, this should be all right. "Yeah, there's this hole in the wall, Steve"... "Yeah, but what's a hole in the wall?"

steve: Put some newspaper over that.

ricky: "In Chaucer's day that was the toilet. That'll be fine." Karl, you're a second time buyer, aren't you?

karl: Yeah yeah yeah, bought one in Manchester.

karl: Uh, Lost seven grand on that one.

ricky: Well, Don't buy Manchester!

karl: No, it's a good flat, it just wasn't - I didn't buy it to sorta make money. I thought was going to be living there like, all me life, and then a job come up here-

ricky: Brilliant

karl: And it's like, Uh.

ricky: You bought your first flat in Manchester - you assumed you would be living there for the rest of your life. Karl: Well, I wasn't in a rush.

ricky: Play a record. You're an idiot.

steve: Hold on a minute, So have you got a property portfolio? Have you got the two houses?

karl: No. No, I've got rid of that one... got this flat

steve: Oh, you sold that one, at a seven thousand pound loss?

karl: Got this flat... I'll tell you something that is interesting-

ricky: Hold on though-

karl: What?

ricky: £7,000 lost

karl: Ya

ricky: ... on a flat in Manchester, but it could only cost about eight grand anyway.

karl: Alright Steve, something that they do now, right, they've got to do by law, when you're buying, right? I was looking at one, in London, right? It's haunted - they've gotta tell you now.

ricky: Right, don't talk shit.

karl: I'm telling you now-

ricky: Play a record.

karl: I'm telling you now.

ricky: Yeah, there's no such thing as ghosts, that is ridiculous if that appears on a legal document.

karl: Right, if there's anyone who sells flats and that, does that for a living, right, email in. Because I'm telling you now that that is a fact. She sorta dropped it in, she sorta- I said, "Oh, you know, nice nice feel here." And she said, "Yeah, Well, that will be the the ghost." Just dropped it in. That's all they've got to do, and then I was like "What?" And they went, "oh, yeah".

ricky: That's what they've got to do, is it? That's the legal thing is it? So in court you go, "So did you drop it in?" "Yeah, I dropped it in" Play a record, you're an idiot.

ricky: That's David Grey and "This Year's Love", if you're in love I hope it lasts, it's only January. Uh, what do you got? What do you got for us Steve?

steve: I just thought maybe we ought to go through some of the emails. I mean, I don't want to query the caliber of some of the emails we get sent on this show, but um, here's a typical one Rick. There's no name, it's just from Glicko, that's his email address. It's just a question to you Rick, "Did I see you walking around Marylebone High Street last Sunday?

ricky: Yes.

steve: Okay.

ricky: Well, I don't know. But, I was in Marylebone High Street last Sunday. Yeah.

steve: Yeah, but did you see Glicko?

ricky: I didn't see Glicks. I didn't see the Glickster but uh..

steve: Alright, this is one from "Em". "Ricky, What do you think of Richard Bacon's show? I can't decide if he's better than you."

ricky: Uh, Nor can I-

steve: Any thoughts?

ricky: Nor can I, I can't help her out on that one. That's a really personal thing. She's got to dig deep. She's got to look at both of us. She's gotta find out what she likes, and then whether I provide more of that than Bakers

ricky: Uh, I mean, you know baker foils brilliant.

steve: Yeah,

ricky: I'm not gonna put myself up against him. So I can't help you, next Steve, next.

steve: Well, There was a lot of emails last week which was saying how much they enjoyed the Christmas special. Thank you very much for that, it's very flattering.

ricky: Cheers

steve: There was also a couple, there was one, it was a guy, I'm sorry that, I think I might have deleted it, but, err, I should have sent a reply, because it was a guy from Canada saying "is there any chance you around in March, whether you could pop in and have a surprise birthday dinner for his wife".

ricky: Ugh, Why didn't you keep that?

steve: I know, sorry about that.

ricky: Now I can't bloody go!

ricky: - Can I? You idiot. Okay-

steve: So I, I don't - I really apologize for that. There's also - this is interesting. This is more for Karl really. It seems unlikely that Karl's-

ricky: Is it from a doctor saying "you're an idiot"?

steve: Um, we've got plenty of those I tend to delete them.

ricky: Okay. All right. Yeah.

steve: They're so common.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, look at his face.

steve: No, it just says, you know, don't like to complain but I won the film competition like five or six weeks ago and I haven't received my prizes.

ricky: Oh dear. That's all that Karl, that's all Karl has to do on this show. We provide the chat, the records, the light entertainment. I mean -

steve: The glamour-

ricky: -strokes of comedy genius. All Karl has to do is send out the prizes and say there was a monkey that was a bank robber at five to three. Karl!

steve: What's your excuse Karl?

karl: Um? Do you remember her winning? I've got all, I've got all the

ricky: Are you calling her a liar?

karl: Well, I am, because I don't remember ever seeing that address -

ricky: Right. He's calling her a liar.

steve: So Joanne Ogden you're claiming is just making this up. She sent this in on a whim trying to fool us and get some cheap tat.

karl: Well...

ricky: I don't believe that, I don't believe anyone would lie to try and get "Knowing Me Knowing You" on VHS. I really don't.

karl: Well, I'll look in the records, because we keep all the details, so... You know what I mean?

steve: Right, Well one of you's in the wrong and do you know what, knowing you Karl, I don't think it's Joanne.

ricky: No

karl: Has anyone else ever emailed in saying they haven't got the uh, bag of crap? No, they haven't, they haven't.

ricky: Well one mistakes one too far, because that's one person - you, you might send out 30, but that one person, that's the first time they've won a competition.

ricky: They, they want "The History of Wind" narrated by Donal McIntyre, on VHS, and you know-

steve: Stephen King's "It", on BetaMax.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, sometimes they want the best of Primal Scream on cassette.

steve: Exactly, you've got to make sure you're sending these prizes out. Final email from Andy. He says, "The webcam is pointing at the ceiling. Is it because the air-conditioning vent is more exciting than what happens on the show?"

ricky: Let's put that down now.

steve: I think that's absolutely right.

ricky: Now, if someone, is that good?

steve: People love the webcam. I don't know what they're interested in, 'cause all their getting is a picture of Karl's big head.

ricky: It's not big, it's just round.

karl: Get it right.

steve: Um, Karl, I like you to play the next tune. Um, I got sent a little cheeky primer for The Cure's, "Join The Dots", just b-sides and Rarities lots of stuff from them from all over the ages, and it's amazing how good their b-sides are here's one of them, play it.

ricky: Yeah

steve: The Cure, and that's called "A Man Inside My Mouth" which was the B-side to "Close to Me", there's nothing amusing about that Rick, so I don't know why you're laughing.

ricky: Well...

steve: It's called "A Man Inside My Mouth"

ricky: I know.

steve: And that's fine.

ricky: Yeah, it's like the little man inside your head.

steve: Yeah, you know, if a man wants to be inside anyone's mouth that's good, you know, good luck to them. What, there's nothing wrong with that.

ricky: But I agree.

ricky: Karl, do you agree with that?

karl: What man in your head? What does that mean?

ricky: (laughs) It's brilliant, isn't it?

steve: Extraordinary. Look at his face.

ricky: He doesn't even understand school boy carry on innuendo.

steve: Amazing.

ricky: I love the fact that the play on words is too far. 'What does he mean unsightly erection? What?'

steve: Um

ricky: 'What do you mean dumplings? Huh?'

steve: You're a fan of The Simpsons.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: You know that character in The Simpsons, the um gap-toothed yokel?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If I look at Karl when he's perplexed-

ricky: Cletus.

steve: Cletus, exactly right.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

steve: Especially-it's that-it's the kind of cliche comic book thing of having a mouth wide open.

ricky: (laughs)

steve: To suggest gormlessness. (makes grunting noise, imitating Karl).

steve: It's amazing.

ricky: Or, an accommodating come on.

steve: Yes, absolutely.

ricky: Karl.

karl: Alright?

ricky: 'Little man inside your head'. It's what-you know-people use it as your conscience, don't they?

karl: Oh right.

ricky: You've never heard that before?

karl: No.

ricky: No?

karl: No.

ricky: No? Okay.

steve: I was eh-Rick, I was watching Moonraker uh it was on-I think it was last week.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Em, I don't know how familiar you are with the James Bond films.

ricky: I have never-

ricky: -I don't think I've ever watched a Bond film from beginning to end.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I've never watched one on DVD. I've never gone to the cinema to watch one. And I'm not usually in on Easter Saturday.

steve: (laughs) Exactly.

ricky: Em-Honestly.

steve: The thing about James Bond-when I was younger, I thought he was amazing. I just thought he was the ultimate cool, sophisticated hero. Do you know what I mean? My dream as a kid-when I say 'a kid' I mean a teenager-was to come home-which invariably he did, he'd come back to his hotel suite-he'd open the door. There'd be a trail of clothes...and he'd follow it, go into the bedroom, there'd be a beautiful

steve: Woman in the bed. You know?

ricky: You'd have said 'Clean up my clo-what are you doing? You're messy! I'm gonna get my mum to clean all this up now'.

steve: 'Mum!'

ricky: 'And she's got a bad back.'

steve: 'There's a nudie lady in my bed!'

ricky: (laughs)

steve: Um, but uh, and as I say I used to think he was really cool and sophisticated. And it's only of late that I've sort of watched and revisited these films. And, I'll tell you what, it's his jokes.

ricky: Oh! Oh his sense of humour.

steve: He is the most infuriating man ever.

ricky: Yeah. Absolutely.

steve: I mean, I don't know why people in the films consider him so

steve: I think the reason that women in the films are always being seduced by him is because if you notice they've normally got English as a second language.

ricky: Right.

steve: So they don't understand. So when he's making those jokes-

ricky: So they don't know when he goes uh, 'Uh just keeping the British end up.'

steve: Yeah. 'I'm just attempting re-entry'.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: If that was a British woman she'd be going 'WHAT?!'

ricky: Yeah.

steve: 'What are you talking about?!'

ricky: 'Don't say that'.

steve: 'Dirty bastard!'

ricky: 'That sounds awful and it's a terrible pun Roger'

steve: 'It's so lewd! What am I?'

ricky: (laughing) Yeah, 'What am I?', yeah yeah. And they just laugh.

steve: They just laugh (inaudible word) and then you know unzip their dress normally.

ricky: (laughs) Yeah.

steve: But some of the gags-there was one where he's

steve: Eh he's being chased by a guy-moped or something and the guy plummets off a cliff and smashes through a van which is full of feathers and he plummets to his death and Bond just says 'All those feathers and he still couldn't fly'. What are you talking about?!

ricky: (laughs)

steve: What do you mean? That's not a joke! It's just words!

ricky: (laughs) Oh...

steve: There's one where he-in Moonraker he punches this guy-he's having a fight-he punches him through a plate glass window and he lands on a piano and Bond goes 'Play it again, Sam'.

ricky: (laughs)

steve: What?! I always remember-there's one in one of the early films where he-

steve: He throws a guy in the bath and electrocutes him by throwing in a uhm... a thing.

ricky: Oh! A...

steve: And then he goes "Absolutely shocking!"

ricky: "Sh- shocking!" Yeah.

steve: But I was thinking "You've just killed a man!"

ricky: I know! Well, I mean...

steve: "You're a psychopath!"

ricky: *chuckling* Yeah, yeah...

steve: And it's just... It's just so excrucia- If someone was doing those kind of jokes in the office... You would hate them!

ricky: Yeah!

steve: D'you know what I mean? You wouldn't want to talk to 'em, they'd be a bore...

ricky: I know, yeah. Everything... Everything's a little one-liner...

steve: Everything's a one-liner!

ricky: ...And everything's a pun.

steve: Yeah!

ricky: But I'll tell you what. He's a bloody good secret agent, Steve.

steve: That's true!

ricky: So, you know... They're- They're not hired for their uhm... You know, wit and uhh... You know, stand-up ability.

steve: Exactly...

ricky: Uhm... So, you know... It's swings and roundabouts.

steve: Yeah, yeah.

ricky: I doubt Johnny Vegas could err... Save the world.

steve: That's true enough, yeah.

ricky: So, err... Think on... Different people, different needs!

ricky: Kings of Leon - California Waiting on Xfm 104.9. D'you know what, Steve. We get emails and uhh... You know, we got our posters up round this show and uhh... People enjoy it. But I don't think we get the credit we deserve for picking the music.

steve: It's true.

ricky: 'Cause we're totally unplaylisted and... I don't know if people know about this that... M- Mine and Steve's sort of first passion before comedy is probably music. We're really, really... We love playing each other sort of records and that. And maybe when we come back we should do a show... Where there is no pressure... To, you know... Like, Karl doesn't press the buttons for us, pre-record it. Where we just... We swap each other sort of ideas for music.

steve: It'll be like uhh... "The Ricky Gervais Compilation Tape."

ricky: Well, sort of like... We're not- We're not talking John Peel where we'll try and find obscure Belgian jungle and do demos. You know... Be everything from, you know... Kings of Leon... Lou Reed, you know. Maybe a bit of eighties stuff, that people have forgotten about?

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Beautiful songs, beautiful songs...

ricky: So what d'ya think?

steve: I'd love to do that, Rick. I mean, I genuinely... I- There's nothing more exciting to me than introducing to someone a song which they then go on and they love, and they listen... Maybe they buy the album, duh duh duh...

ricky: Absolutely. But that's summat to think about maybe for later...

steve: Yeah! Well it's like you say, the- the pressure to kind of come up with some, you know, uhm- high caliber chat...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: ...Between each record. It is- it takes the toll, you know?

ricky: But uhm... Yeah. And tha- that's, you know... It's a passion of ours and we'd love to- bu- but now, it's Rockbusters!

steve: Can I just say something now before we do Rockbusters? A lot of people sort of, they come up to me and they say "Steve, we like the show. When're you going to get rid of Rockbusters? It's- it brings it down." I'm not joking!

karl: Who said that?

steve: I'm not joking! There is loads of people...

ricky: Come on, let- let Karl speak!

karl: Come off it! Come off it! Come off it.

ricky: What? What?

karl: I know people who say "You're never gonna stop that, are ya?" So... One of us is lyin' again.

steve: Well, not really. You know...

ricky: Oh, I love his face!

steve: I- I'm talking about people who've listened to the show, you're talking about Suzanne. Your girlfriend.

karl: No, Martin... He'll be at home now with a pad, getting ready to play.

steve: But I should just...

ricky: Martin Freeman did- did say... Did encourage Karl on a couple of occasions. He even tried to get him through with the answer "egg", when we were doing that "name an animal" -round. So...

steve: Yes. But I should just say that people, they... People think that somehow Ricky and I are endorsing Rockbusters. That somehow by allowing it on the show, somehow we think it's good or we appreciate it. And I need to point out that it's more like when a child comes back from school, and they've done a painting...

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

steve: It's crap, but of course you've got to stick it on the fridge.

ricky: The cat is bigger than the house. Yeah.

steve: You've got to stick it on the fridge, because otherwise the kid's gonna get upset...

ricky: Exactly. In this next excerpt you've got to remember the cat is bigger than the house. Okay?

steve: *chuckles* Exactly. It doesn't look like anything.

ricky: The humans don't have bodies, their legs come straight from their head.

steve: Yeah. "Mommy and Daddy..."

ricky: Please welcome to the stage, Karl Pilkington's Rockbusters!

karl: Alright?

karl: Right, so uhh... Cryptic clues...

ricky: No, they're not cryptic.

karl: ...initials, and you work it out and you email in an' that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: First one...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Err... Don't be stealing my tools, take your sister's!

karl: Alright? And the initials, NK. So...

steve: Don't be stealing me tools, take me sister's?

karl: Yeah, so that's like the cryptic clue and the initials of the artist or band is NK. Right? Second one... Buy it if you want, I'm not bothered, think about it. Come back, right? Come back if you want.

ricky: Start again, Karl! I got lost halfway through! Right, start that second one again!

karl: Right, well... You can buy...

ricky: Different! It's different! Well, the first one was "Buy if it you want..." now this one was "Yeah, well right?" Right. Do it. Do it, if it's a cryptic clue all the letters count. Do it.

karl: Buy it if you want, I'm not that bothered. You know? Think about it, come back. Check some other places out first before you... You know...

ricky: Imagine if that was a crossword clue in the Times! Sorry we've got no time for other clues! Right.

karl: Alright? So that's SC.

ricky: Right. Do that clue again.

karl: Buy it if you want, I'm not... I'm not fussed, you know what I mean? Think about it.

ricky: "Fussed!" "Fussed" has made an appearance! "Fussed" wasn't there before! Do the clue again. Do the clue again!

karl: *chuckling* Initials SC for that one.

ricky: Do the clue again!

karl: No, I don't wanna do it again!

ricky: You haven't finished it yet?

karl: I have, that's it!

ricky: No, do the clue again.

karl: No, I can't do it...

steve: SC.

ricky: Do the clue again.

karl: Buy it if you want, I'm not fussed. Right? Shop around... Come back... It's up to you. I'm not pushing you into anything, right?

ricky: Different again! "It's up to you" wasn't there! Oh dear...

karl: S... SC. SC for that one, right? And the final one...

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Err... That's good, I can play ten-pin bowling again.

ricky: Oh, Christ!

steve: Okay, and what's the clue?

karl: That's O for that one. O.

steve: O.

karl: Alright? So, they're the three clues.

steve: Okay, now, I assume... I'm not gonna bother to look, but I assume there's a... There's a jiffy bag of tat which people can win.

karl: Yeah.

steve: Alright. Well, great. Good luck. Uhm... ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk is the email address.

ricky: Christ... Play a record.

karl: Thorns?

ricky: *imitating Karl* "Buy it if you wan't, I'm not fussed. You can come back, have a look 'round. I'm open Wednesdays, by the way. See ya later..."

ricky: The Thorns and "No Blue Sky". Uhm... Off their album, err... Of last year, which is probably my favourite album of the year. I've started getting into that, sort of like music more serious thing, in case we do it.

steve: Yeah. I mean, I don't know. From that comment, maybe we should do some preparation.

ricky: Pre... Pre-record it!

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So we can sort of like, cut all the uhms and errs, and...

steve: Like that sentence there.

ricky: And me sort of like, eating a sandwich while it's on.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Singing along... Tappin' a little bit. Yeah.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I won't lay down like this either. We'll get me a chair that I can sort of be upright so I can annunciate.

steve: You weren't in the room, were you, when uhm... Karl was singing along to "Oliver's Army"?

ricky: No.

steve: It was a joy. *Mumbling* Checkpoint Charlie... *Mumbling* Oliver's Army...

steve: No idea!

ricky: Aww... bless him! Rockbusters well on the way. Any err... Any right answers yet, Karl?

steve: I'll just check...

steve: Let's see, we got uhh one email.

ricky: One email? Uhh.

steve: No.

ricky: No, because they probably don't make sense.

steve: Yep. No, no, no responses what so ever.

karl: There's some on the text an' that.

steve: Really?

karl: 83XFM if you wanna do it on the old ahh.

ricky: Speak up Karl, you're not just talking to Steve now.

steve: We're on the radio.

ricky: Yeah we're on the radio. We're live.

karl: Yeah just letting you know, do it on the text if you want, send it in on the text.

ricky: (laughs) Well what is it? Say it.

karl: 83XFM

steve: Right

karl: Right

ricky: What's the email address again?

karl: Ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk.

ricky: Are you tired today Karl or are you just bored or?

karl: No, no. I'm alright, I'm good.

ricky: Yeah?

karl: Yeah, Yeah.

ricky: Alright. Steve.

steve: Yeah. Well, no, I just. I just wanted to mention to you, I went to a pub near my house recently. I found out that there was a pool hall

ricky: Oh yeah

steve: That you could join, like a pool club there. And I love pool you know, I like to see myself as looking a little bit like Paul Newman in 'The Hustler', when I'm shooting pool.

ricky: Yep. Yep.

steve: And I umm I went down there, I went with my flatmate; and ahh it's quite a seedy pub, in many respects.

steve: There's a lot of weird people in there; like alcoholics and uhh.

ricky: Why do they go there?

steve: Ha, strange isn't it?

ricky: Weird isn't it, yeah?

steve: Very, very odd people. And so he's a little bit nervous and he said, "you know, I'm a bit worried", because there's a lot of kind of, you know, there's people from the estate.

ricky: Yep sure.

steve: The nearby council estate.

ricky: Yep

steve: For want of a better word, scum. You know. And so he's a bit edgy and umm, bizarrely, 'cause I so wanted to play pool, I said to him umm. He went, "I'm a bit scared of going in", and I went, "Don't worry. You're with me."

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I don't know what I was thinking, I don't know what that means!

steve: They're gonna think, "oh well wait a minute the six-foot guy with the, the lanky guy with the glasses.

ricky: Yeah

steve: We're not gonna mess with him.

ricky: There you go. They take your glasses off and you go "I've lost".

steve: Exactly

ricky: "That's it, I'm out of here".

steve: This is why I've never got into a fight because if my glasses are gone, I'm screwed. That's the first thing you'd do.

ricky: Are you really, you really are short-sighted aren't you?

steve: I'd be absolutely done for.

ricky: And are you nervous, without? Are you sort of like nervous, without them?

steve: Yes. You know whenever, you know whenever you see like a kind of action film or whatever or maybe like a horror film.

ricky: The nerd loses his glasses.

steve: Where the nerd loses his glasses and he's scrambling around on the floor whilst these men are sort of coming behind them.

ricky: Really?

steve: Yeah that's me. Done for. Absolutely done for.

ricky: Well ahh, what did you do when you were at school and you had to play tennis or football or rugby or something?

steve: Umm kept them on.

ricky: That's dangerous isn't it?

ricky: Well of course it is, that's why I was never, you know, as good at rugby as I probably could have been. You know, because of course you can't. How can you play rugby with glasses on? I'm in the scrum going, "careful, your boots. Hello!"

ricky: Yeah. "Never mind me 'nads, watch me glasses."

steve: But ahh, so I went in, because I used to umm, I used to do ahh Judo when I was very young.

ricky: Well that's the impossible.

ricky: They must go falling off.

steve: Oh, of course.

ricky: What about gaffer tape? Just sort of like round.

steve: Just yeah, well I did, I bought something, kind of like of a sports strap to keep them on and they just, it just pushed them right into my eyes. I could barely see, I was almost blinded.

ricky: (laughs)

steve: But I swear when I used to go to judo, I'm sure that the other kids were being taught, "right just knock Steve's glasses off".

ricky: (laughs)

steve: "Knock his glasses off, you can get him."

ricky: Oh dear

steve: And so ahh I'm always a bit edgy about fights, but for some reason I felt super confident going in there.

steve: And so I swaggered in, and ahh into the pool hall. And its one of those places you've gotta sort of knock, It's like a speakeasy, You've gotta knock and they open the door and you come in. And ahh, I'm in there and ahh. My flat...

ricky: One of those things you slide, like a little letter box that you slide over. And you go, "knock knock" he opens it up, you put your face there and he just knocks your glasses off.

steve: Exactly

ricky: (Laughs)

steve: And ahh, so I went in there and umm, in a way my flatmate was justified in being a little bit edgy because umm, the conversation we could overhear, the table next to us, we were playing pool.

steve: -the guy next to us, was going um, "you know, course the bloody police, spent Boxing Day in the nick, absolute nightmare"

ricky: You were getting nervous?

steve: So I was getting a little bit edgy, because I didn't know, but then I thought, you know, they don't mess with their own. We're almost like gangsters ourselves, because we're there in the lion's den, know what I mean?

ricky: Yeah

steve: We'll probably be fine. So then, there's just an old guy serving at the bar, you know, in his 50s, and some guys moved to the Jukebox, some young kids. They're just hanging out in the pool hall, their pretty cool. They put some money in the Jukebox, and first track Coldplay, so I'm thinking, that's nice. I'm playing pool. Second track-

steve: Hard German techno. And they put in about 50 quids worth it seemed, because it just went on.

ricky: Oh God

steve: Really thumping, kind of like gabber stuff. The old guy at the bar - just nodding his head, cleaning the glass.

ricky: Yeah

steve: So into this -

ricky: Piano player, furious.

steve: Exactly, into this, comes like what appeared to be a family of holiday-makers with kids. So they went to this like seedy pool hall. We've got, you know, the Kray Twins playing pool next to me. They come in, the German techno's blaring.

steve: They come in, and there's like Kids... you know, and they got the baby in one of those pouches, you know?

ricky: Oh yeah.

steve: They sit down, and the weirdest thing was one of the kids, one of the guys, the uncle, let's say, of the fete, he picked up the kid and he put, he's about to put the baby down in a chair. And I thought, hang on that's quite, quite a hardback chair, and as he did it, the baby's head just went thawdump, and hit the back of the chair, and it just flicked back and hit back of the chair because he just lumped it down.

ricky: Oh God!

steve: And it started screaming and crying, you know, and the teenagers were rocking to that, they loved it, and um and it came over, and it was transparent what had happened, and the mom was going "What's happened, the baby's crying!"

steve: And he went, "I don't know what happened." And I wanted to lean over and go, "You lying swine".

ricky: "You hit his head"

steve: "When you just hit his head" I wanted to go, just take her aside and say, "never let him handle your baby again".

ricky: No, The head was wobbling around, and I could see it coming.

steve: I don't know, who knows, he might turn out like Karl now.

ricky: That's a point.

steve: But what do you do in those situations? You know?

ricky: Well, I'm assuming by the way you're taking it lightly, the baby wasn't hurt in any way it just-

steve: The baby wasn't hurt, but it was still a bit reckless.

ricky: Well, then you keep out of it don't you?

ricky: What are you going to do, call the authorities and go "it was him"?

steve: Yeah, but I don't know. I mean, I don't want to name the place in case I get knifed.

ricky: I imagine you trying to swagger it, when you overheard him talking about the nick. I imagine you going, "Yeah pigs". "Sorry?" "Yeah, I hate the pigs as well.", "No, I'm a lawyer. I was down there.", "Oh, yeah, sure sure." Oh dear.

steve: But so, I'll be going back there. I feel like I'm welcome.

ricky: I mean, I've told you before Steve, stay away from working class people and bad men in trainers because you know, you hang around with ne'er-do-wells and you're going to get your glasses knocked off.

steve: That's true.

ricky: Jet, Rollover DJ, on XFM 104.9. Karl, now Karl, you promised me that you were going to reintroduce Educating Ricky.

karl: Yeah, I just, yeah, we can do that.

ricky: Have you got it? Have you got something that will umm, that's something that I won't know, that's correct, and that will interest me?

karl: Umm

karl: Yea, there's loads of stuff.

ricky: Is it anything to do with Monkeys?

karl: No, we've got, we've got Monkey news coming up.

ricky: We got Monkey news coming up course we have yea, [PUNCH DRUNK GARBLED GIBBERISH] Monkey news people uh, now now, over to, uh, XFM for Monkey news with Karl Pilkingon, alright?.

karl: We're not doing that yet, we're not doing that yet. Educating Ricky is, uh, ages ago.

ricky: Educating Ricky 'Oh, that's interesting, and it's correct'!

karl: Hang on a minute though, what I do is, I tease you don't I with headlines.

ricky: Oh, go on then.

karl: And then you have to sort of go 'that one sounds good'.

ricky: Go on then, what... [GARBLED]

karl: I want to know more about that educate me.

ricky: Yeah, ok.

karl: You've got, uh, 'Well, uh, that, that Nellie died'.

steve: That Nellie died? Alright, interesting.

ricky: Okay, ok could be about an elephant, go on.

karl: You've got that, you got uh, well... uh.

ricky: No, not ' well', take well for, as read, so they all start with 'well' okay?

karl: 'knob-body has been that lucky before'.

steve: Brilliant, alright

ricky: Okay

karl: Uhh, or you got, 'Get a lobe of this court case'.

ricky: Right, okay, I'm going for 'knob-body has been that lucky before'.

karl: Right, It's, uh, story about this kid, who was born, right?.

ricky: Was he?

karl: Yea, is, is plopped out like, and the dad and the mam saw the baby and it was like 'aww that's a good-looking little kid', and they were proud and that, and then, uhh...

ricky: I love how they're surprised it's good-looking little kid, it's theirs, like it could have been, uhh, it could have been a frog and they'd have gone 'oh it's got your eyes'.

karl: ... and then, uhh, the doctor goes 'yeah it is, but uhh, look at that'.

ricky: What?!

karl: He said 'it's a boy, and uhh, hasn't got a knob'.

ricky: I love the doctor saying that. I love this GP, or this Midwife saying that. 'oh lovely little boy, yea, yea, but uh, no knob baby'... 'Mr and Mrs'... I, I, I, I mean, uh think!

karl: Right, no, but I'm speeding it up a bit.

steve: All right, come on, so the baby's born.

karl: So they baby's like that, and the doctor says that. The woman's like 'aww it's our first as well, and stuff', right? She really gutted.

ricky: What's the second gonna be like?!

karl: So, uhh...

steve: No head

ricky: Just a knob

steve: They'll call it 'Karl'

steve: Right, go on

ricky: Right, go on

karl: So umm, so the doctor says 'well I'll leave it with you for a bit, get used to the idea, right'?

rioky: As opposed to throwing it away?

karl: So he wanders off.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: He comes back the smile on his face, right.

ricky: Found the knob.

karl: So, the mum and dad are like, 'whats, what, you know, what are you smiling about'? He says 'You're not going to believe this, baby's just been born, it's got two, right, you can have one of them'! And they did a little, uh, little operation.

steve: Where did you get this information from?

karl: Thats in a book.

steve: What book?

ricky: Is this the book you carry around with you, with the woman with 3 legs, the juggler with 9 arms, and the bloke who found shagging a chicken under a rock? Is it in that book?

karl: Hmm, weird though init?

ricky: Well, It's not true!

karl: It is true!

ricky: What, in the same hospital there was a baby born without a knob, luckily, there, there.

karl: Yeah

ricky: Karl!

karl: It happened.

steve: You're not - you swear to God you're not making this up?

karl: I'm not making it up, honest to God.

ricky: The K-Man is smiling, cos "You won't believe it - there's a baby there with an excess of a nob!".

karl: It happened. Honestly. I'm not - all these things are not made up - the, the educating stuff. That's why I do it, init? Teaching you stuff. Always teaching you stuff.

ricky: How is that..!?

steve: If anyone can confirm the baby with no nob...

ricky: They're going to confirm it!

steve: ...the baby with two...

ricky: Cos they're gonna go to the same dubious website that Karl got it from.

steve: I always try to be level headed and reasonable in these situations.

ricky: And it's always Guatemala or Mexico...

ricky: ...Rodriguez Ferger was born without a nob! Luckily baby next door...

ricky: ...Two nobs!

ricky: What a load of shite! Play a record!

steve: There's still more to come!

ricky: Oh, Christ!

steve: I'm looking forward to - what is it - Nellie?

ricky: 'Nellie Dead'.

karl: 'It Nellie Died'.

steve: 'It Nellie Died'.

ricky: Bones. Radiohead, off the Bends album.

steve: Mm-hmm.

ricky: I mean, might be my favourite album of all time.

steve: You've said it before, yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Can't say I never really got into it. I remember when it came out it was just so ubiquitous everywhere I never really bothered listening to it.

ricky: I can still listen to it every day.

steve: Mm-hmm.

ricky: I mean, that might be sad, I don't know?

steve: A little bit.

ricky: It's a fantastic album... On XFM 104.9. Just practising for when we, uh...

steve: Talk about music.

ricky: Talk more about music than maybe monkeys and people born without nobs, baby!

ricky: Karl, any other thoughts?

karl: Uhh... Well I'm not - I'm not gonna tell you any more educating stuff yet.

ricky: You're gonna tease me with that, are ya?

karl: Leave you with, uh... 'It Nellie Died' and 'Get a Lobe of this Court Case', right? But, I want you thinking about...

ricky: Yeah. Thinking about it, yeah. Just getting my juices ready.

karl: Think about that.

ricky: Yeah, like in a pair of teeth, yeah sure.

karl: But umm,.. I just educated you.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? And I watched The Office Christmas stuff on, uh, last Sunday.

ricky: Did you enjoy it?

karl: I think it was good.

ricky: Good.

karl: Think it was good.

ricky: Thanks very much.

karl: It's up there with one of me favourites. The second one. The second one was good.

ricky: Yeah, okay. The second one was more - more the paybacks in the second one. The first one's more set up.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: So, you know, I'd have thought people would like the second one more. That's nice. That's a nice critique, thank you Karl.

karl: Ermmm, but there was something in it you did in it about cavemen.

ricky: Cavemen?

karl: You said something about, erm... It was a fact about cavemen and you sort of only half did it. You didn't give the full information like...

ricky: What!?

karl: ...Like I do and that. You just - you just...

ricky: Where was it? What bit was it?

karl: Ermm... It was, it was the bit when you were talking about... getting a woman, I think? Or you were talking about breasts or...

ricky: Oh! Oh! The one where I said "People are - the reason women have cleavage is because it reminds men of buttocks because when we were cavemen we used to do you from behind."?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. At the date - blind date, yeah.

karl: Is that... a joke, or?

ricky: Well, I was hoping it was funny! We were... Oh, you mean? Um, no I don't know - uh, uh yeah, I think I did... I think cleavage is meant - meant to represent - in a sort of Desmond Morris pop...

ricky: -sort of anthropology type way - I think I've seen that before, that cleavage represents buttocks, and I imagine, you know, cavemen probably did do it, from behind. Uh, I don't know what you want to know Karl really, it was it in a sitcom, it wasn't a documentary.

steve: It looked like one. But it wasn't.

ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, brilliantly directed to look like one. I'll give you that.

karl: No, but what, you're saying, so blokes like...

ricky: Yeah, 'cause I think cleavage, which is represented like buttocks, because obviously buttocks were much more of a sexual organ, evolutionarily speaking breasts were to actually bring up, to suckle young, but, and, and were a sign of sexual maturity, so you're ready to mate. But whereas, Karl I'm not an anthropologist, mate. I'm struggling here. What do you need to know? But yeah, I imagine - I imagine - I imagine that the cleavage reminds you of an ass.

karl: Right, well if it's all about ass, why don't gays like a little bit of tit?

karl: No, do you know what I mean?

ricky: Oh, you done me! Ugh! So the question put to us today on Xfm 104.9 is, if it's all about ass, then why don't gays like a little bit of tit.

steve: I was worried that we were-

ricky: If it's all about ass, then why don't gays like tit? If it's all about ass, then why don't gays like tit? "Just call in with your- thanks very much for tuning in, this has been Children's TV, if it's all about ass, why don't gays like tit?

steve: It's only been an hour and a quarter before we got round to Gays, so it's good to see them making an appearance.

ricky: If it's all about ass, why don't gays like a bit of tit, is the question. What a brilliant question. Well, if you're an anthropologist or a psychologist, a doctor, a gay, please call in. If it's all about ass, and this is the question-

steve: I'm not convinced by this whole, um, cleavage looks like an ass, that's why people -

ricky: No, not at- Steve, nor am I. It's a bit of mock anthropology. I didn't think it would be under scrutiny.

steve: I think it's more likely that the reason men find cleavage attractive is because they know there's a lovely pair of Bristols down there.

ricky: Yes, if that's what's on show -

steve: Exactly, imagine what's down below.

ricky: If that's in the front window, right, what's he got in the back of the shop?

ricky: The Coral, Bill McCai, on Xfm 104.9, if it's all asses Steve, why don't gays like a bit of tit?

steve: I think the there might be a lecture on that at the Royal Institute tonight, I'm not sure.

ricky: Oh, with Stephen Hawking?

steve: Yeah, I think he's given lecture.

ricky: Brilliant

karl: I'll tell you something else though, that's about caveman an' that. Alright?

ricky: Yeah, not really, go on.

karl: Do you know ...um

ricky: I love the idea of a little gay fella, he's pulled a bird he's just, all he's done is focused on the cleavage, and he's gone, "that's a lovely ass." Alright? He's got her back.

ricky: Pulls the dress down, "No, where's the ass? I've been conned."

steve: "Boobs?!"

ricky: "Boobs, I hate boobs! Ahh, their my worst - Ughhhh! - Right, sorry Karl

karl: Caveman and that.

ricky: Yeah, back to it, doesn't drop a beat, does he?

karl: Do you know like, when you get a bit scared, then, and the hairs on your back and that sort of -

ricky: Well, I haven't got a particularly hairy back but go on.

karl: No but, on your neck or... whatever

ricky: Oh, yeah.

steve: On your head.

karl: Do you know...

karl: Do you know where that comes from? Do you know why that happens?

ricky: Why it happens?

karl: Yeah...

ricky: To probably... to look more fierce... probably residue of, like, the erectile tissue with the you know umm, would make you look... apes and that would make you look slightly bigger. Your outline bigger.

ricky: Is that it? Is that the answer?

karl: Just caveman in front of dinosaurs and that, they sort of went "ohh" and then...

steve: Well it wasn't cavemen in front of dinosaurs was it? Because cavemen weren't alive for dinosaurs were alive.

karl: There was a couple knocking about.

steve: Right, okay fair enough.

karl: There was a crossover point, surely?

ricky: Errr, [inaudible] 15 million... yeah, probably the, yeah, the ice age...

steve: No...

ricky: There was still big reptiles...

steve: I think it's fairly common knowledge that the dinosaurs did not exist when...

karl: Well who gave the dinosaurs their names then?

ricky: WELL NO n-n-n-no no.

ricky: Listen, he's using... he's using cavemen as any genus of homo. It. I know he's thinking of The Flintstones. I'm giving him a bit of...

ricky: Like, I've giving him like, you know, an instep into evolution here. But erm.

steve: I should just point out, you know cavemen didn't have cars which they motored by running along the street?

ricky: And they didn't they didn't mix cement in pelicans.

steve: You're aware of that?

ricky: (laughing) Go on Karl...

steve: Umm, should we have the Rockbusters answers?

ricky: Yeah, love to.

steve: Get it out of the way.

karl: Number one was "don't be stealing me tools take your sisters". The initials were NK. That was nick-her-saw, right.

steve: Nick her saw?

karl: Nick Hersaw... 80s...

ricky: I don't... I've never heard of that band.

karl: Nick Kershaw.

ricky: Nick Ker... Oh yeah, Nick Kershaw yeah. Nick... Sorry what - I don't understand though. Nick... How does Nick Kershaw...

karl: Second one.

ricky: NO NO! Don't move on! Nick her saw - what's nick her saw? Jesus...

karl: All right and the second one...

ricky: It doesn't count!

steve: Let's just leave it behind us, alright?

karl: Second one was "buy it if you want, you know I'm not bothered, you can think about it come back. Have a look around, think it over. I'm not fussed"

ricky: Yep.

karl: The initials were SC. That was soft sell. All right.

ricky: That works.

karl: Yep.

steve: Well done.

ricky: That works.

karl: Right. And that's good, I can I can play something bowling again. That's O - that's Outcast. All right.

ricky: What?

steve: What does that mean? out cast?

karl: You out. You, you broke your arm, right. Errr.

ricky: Oh that's ridiculous...

steve: That's ludicrous.

ricky: I'm mean, that's ridiculous.

steve: You broke your arm. You were in a cast. You've got rid of the cast, you're out-cast.

ricky: Did anyone get that?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: I mean I am stunned.

steve: I think to be fair that was because - how many bands begin with O?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I think that's why people got it.

ricky: Exactly, they were guesses. Yeah. I could probably make Oasis work if I tried hard enough.

karl: We've done that.

steve: Pardon me.

ricky: Oh.

karl: So errr, Outcast.

ricky: That's ridiculous.

karl: Why is it ridiculous?

ricky: But it's ridiculous.

ricky: We've had worse than that! Imagine that!

karl: I remember when I did my wrist in. Then had it fixed and went ten pin bowling.

steve: Why did you do your wrist in?

ricky: So so it's what you did? Brilliant. So next week's quiz is 'What am I thinking?'. You're an idiot Karl. Play a record.

karl: Who's-who's the winner, Steve?

steve: Why did you do your wrist in?

ricky: (giggles)

karl: Crash.

steve: A what?

karl: A crash.

steve: You had a crash?

karl: Yeah.

steve: That sounds like a story we've not explored.

karl: Not much to it. I just went on a free sort of rally day.

ricky and steve: (giggle)

karl: Eh, got in this car. I'd been working all night right-so I wasn't the best condition to be whizzing around a track in a car.

steve: (laughs) Sure.

karl: Like a Formula 1 type car.

steve: Yeah.

karl: Span out of control. Hit some mud. Smashed it all in. Eh, wrote it off and I didn't realize I'd done a load of damage until...

steve: Well you landed on your head but you were fine.

ricky: (laughs) Yeah.

karl: Who's the winner?

steve: Mike Godlin from Liverpool.

ricky: (laughs)

steve: Bad Time from The Jayhawks on XFM 104.9. Steve Merchant, Ricky Gervais, Karl.

ricky: We're having a good time!

steve: We are indeed.

ricky: Alright?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Karl, what have you got lined up for us now?

karl: Ehm... right you've got the choice.

ricky: 'Nelly dead'?

karl: You can have a bit of educating-

ricky: Yeah let's have educating. Come on.

karl: Eh...

steve: 'Educating Ricky'. I-can we just clarify what this is? I think a lot of new listeners perhaps don't-aren't familiar with this.

ricky: It's when Karl

ricky: Looks on the internet and finds a weird story about um you know double-double knob um fun and tells me about it and it's usually not true.

steve: (laughs) Okay.

ricky: If it is true I know it already. Go on then Karl.

karl: Ehm...they're not really weird stuff-it's just stuff that's gone on that's interested me. That's all that it's about. (inaudible)

steve: I should just confirm that we've had a number of emails that say the baby born without a knob and then having one transplanted for the

steve: Baby that luckily enough had two knobs...

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Is apparently true.

karl: Well, there you go.

ricky: Yeah no, listen. Listen-

karl: So...

ricky: I-I don't question that you could be born with a deformity and get someone's-you know-fingers, knobs-What I'm saying is it didn't happen with a doctor goes 'Ah I'll leave it-I don't believe it! That baby's got two knobs!'

steve: (laughs) Exactly.

ricky: 'What a coincidence'. I bet that little bit of information isn't in there, is it?

steve: Sure.

ricky: That he went out the door, 'I'm gonna get a coffee'. Came back, 'Bloody hell, hold on look, here's an extra knob. I found an extra knob!'

steve: (laughs)

ricky: 'Eh-wh-we'll put that knob on there?

ricky: Perfect.'

karl: Right, well you've gone-you've eh you've opt for the headline 'it nelly died'.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: It's about this elephant.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Erm...eighty years old.

ricky: Yep.

karl: In Africa.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Has had quite a good life and that.

ricky: Yep.

karl: But then what happens is-I don't know what it's been eating-but ehm, its teeth fall out.

ricky: Yeah that's wh-most elephants die of that because they grind them down-the teeth-until they can't chew anymore and they-most elephants have old-dying of old age with an elephant is the fact

ricky: That you haven't got teeth anymore.

karl: Hmm. But it's had a good innings; it was eighty. Right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Erm...so anyway.

ricky: They chopped up the food up and feed it to it and it lived quite happily?

karl: No what they did was...the village got together said 'oh-

ricky: Chewed the food for it.

karl: -that's sad innit?'. Erm, made it some-

steve: False teeth?

karl: -false teeth.

karl: Made it some teeth. Out of wood.

karl: Wooden teeth for this elephant that's 80.

karl: What do you think of that?

ricky: I don't know. I don't know if it's true, I don't... I mean...

karl: No, well it is... forget that! You've been proved wrong once - it is true. What do you think about that?

ricky: But... Karl... it's like saying "yeah, my Auntie Nora saw a ghost, what do you think about that?" There's no comment. I can't comment on it.

karl: Would you have gone to the trouble, is what I'm saying.

ricky: To build an elephant some teeth?

karl: It's 80. It's 80.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: With all the problems Africa's got and that, and they're messing about making teeth for an elephant.

ricky: What problems have Africa got?

karl: Well, there's not enough food to go around, so if an elephant's dead, that's a bit more food left.

karl: Do you know what I mean, why...

ricky: Yeah. But you're assuming this was in the middle of a village where there was famine and starvation.

karl: Think it is...

ricky: It might have been... it might have been South Africa, Kenya...

karl: No...

ricky: ... you don't know, it's not all... it's not all Ethiopia, or...

karl: If it was a busy city, people in the village wouldn't have time to be messing about with making teeth and that, would they? It was a little village!

karl: A little village...

ricky: Yeah.

karl: ... and the local elephant...

ricky: The local elephant? Like a local Post Office? ...

ricky: ... "I'll meet you by the elephant."

steve: No, to be fair Rick, I think I saw Bob Geldof on TV saying, "please, people, stop making elephants teeth! They are eating all the food, we're sending it over there, we can't..."

ricky: "F the number, where's the teeth?"

karl: So...

ricky: I don't... I don't know, it's possible...

steve: "Send us the teeth!"

ricky: I mean, it's possible. It's possible that they made this elephant some, uh... some dentures. It is possible. Yeah.

steve: Wouldn't it have been easier to just sort of...

ricky: Pulp it.

steve: Exactly...

ricky: I'd have thought...

steve: Mash it up, serve it some soup or whatever.

ricky: Yeah, I think if you're making its teeth, you know, its ability... I'd have thought... you know...

ricky: ... I wouldn't have thought it would work for very long and I wouldn't have thought the elephant would understand that it was teeth, so I wouldn't have been able to thought that villagers could do it, I mean... top veterinary surgeons could have done something but I think they made it more goodwill but I wouldn't have thought it worked so they... it probably ended up dying, or pulping it like I suggested. But you know, thanks very much, play a record.

karl: No, but... didn't you say something about wooden teeth? Someone you know had wooden teeth?

steve: Mm... I don't know, I think that was possibly my grandparents.

karl: They had wooden teeth?

steve: Yeah. Well, I don't know if it was wooden, I think the palate was wood, and then the teeth were as you would normally expect.

ricky: That's like something from the 16th century though, isn't it?

steve: Well, it was... it was the 1940s...

ricky: They used to hammer them in without anaesthetic.

steve: Really?

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Just... put into the roots so it wouldn't... oh, God...

karl: That's a rubbish time innit, to live...

ricky: ... and other people's teeth, probably dead people's teeth, you could replace it, just... just bang it in for a while.

ricky: Oh... God. Unbelievable. Oh, dear.

ricky: Play a record, Karl.

karl: Alright.

steve: If you've had your teeth... if you've had teeth hammered into your gums...

ricky: Placebo - English Summer Rain, on XFM 104.9. Right, okay, you've got the final Educating Ricky, Karl.

karl: Uh... "get a lobe of this court case".

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Uh, what happened was, right, uh...

ricky: Allegedly.

karl: Fella's in court for something that he shouldn't have done, right.

ricky: Yeah. You got all the detail then, at your fingertips.

karl: And the jury says, uh...

karl: He's guilty, right. And the judge went - "what he's not guilty? off you go then". All right, he misheard it. They couldn't do anything about it. Because once the judge has sort of said, "you're not guilty, off you go - you go you can go home" on and the jury were like. "What you - ayayay what are you doing?! We said he's guilty!" and he was like...

ricky: What do you think of The Thorns album?

steve: I'm quite big fan, Rick. Yeah. I like that sort of alt-country sound. I think it's uhh...

ricky: I know, I like that compilation you made me, that was really...

karl: That sort of thing...

ricky: Really good - The J Hawks. That's for that by the way -

karl: (interrupting) There was the hanging one wasn't there - there was the hanging one. That happened.

steve: Are you still here?

ricky: What bands are you been checking out recently any new thing?

steve: Just explore all kinds of stuff. Obviously, you know, I like to come back into the old stuff. I've tell you I've been appreciating a lot recently, Rick. Bill Brag.

ricky: Oh brilliant, yeah. Isn't he playing soon?

steve: He's playing in March, yeah - you might want to...

karl: (interrupting) Have you heard about the hanging one?

steve: What's this about?

ricky: Sorry mate, go on.

karl: When the fella' was 'ung.

ricky: Well 'ung?

karl: He was 'ung and err...

ricky: 'Ung! Sorry what's 'ung?

karl: He was 'ung by a rope.

ricky: So - isn't that. No, no I think wasn't he err - a Chinese emperor? In the Ming D- wasn't he 'Ung?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Sorry, he was 'ung?

karl: Some fella who'd done something and they 'ung him.

ricky: 'Ung! It's not a word anymore. He was 'ung!

karl: Don't be doing that again because you said squoze wasn't a word. And they I shown you a menu today what someone's sent. And it said - "Fresh Orange 'Squoze'".

ricky: In inverted commas! And next to it was the word colour spelled c-o-l-o-r. So presumably either an American menu, in which case - there's loads of American words that we don't use.

ricky: Or it's just a badly typed piece of work.

steve: Anyway, there was a bloke that was 'ung.

karl: He was 'ung and that and err, he didn't die.

ricky: 'Ung and that. He was definitely a Chinese - Yeah 'Ung and That. Yeah, I remember him now. Yeah.

karl: He didn't die and they said "oh, just hang on a minute whilst we change the rope and that." And he stood there waiting - changed the rope. They tried to, you know, do it again and it didn't work.

steve: It didn't work.

karl: So errr...

ricky: Yep. Umm.

karl: They got another rope, right - didn't work.

karl: And then they had to let him go. Because it's like a... There's a well-known saying or something from, from this thing.

steve: What?!

ricky: Have you seen um, do you like Oh My Corazon by Tim Burgess new single.

steve: I don't know that I've...

ricky: Oh it's brilliant. Shall we play it later? Lets play a record now. And we'll talk more a bit later.

steve: Can you... karl... can you umm, can you shut up?!

ricky: Oh My Corazon, Tim Burgess. Brilliant - Xfm. 104.9 right. Well. We're running our time here.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: We had karl in a little film but I think we've only got time for Monkey News - what are you thinking Karl?

karl: Yep, if you want to do that.

ricky: Yeah lets do Monkey News.

karl: Alright, erm.

steve: Play the jingle?

ricky: Monkey News!

karl: Ugh, Right. There's this monkey, right?

steve: Ah, yeah.

karl: I think his name was number six or number seven, or something, right? In this - in this lab, right? And anyway, it's in there, with the like, you know, the rabbits and little mice and stuff like that and uh ...

ricky: The rabbit smoking?

karl: The nurse right, the nurse, well not the nurse, the woman who works in a lab, what would you call her? Is that a nurse?

ricky: Depends, what it turns out her job was, if she was a lab assistant you'd call her a lab assistant.

karl: Alright

ricky: I mean they probably call her by name.

karl: All right, lab assistant, right.

ricky: Kirsty, I think it's probably Kirsty. Kirsty Morris.

karl: Well she's in there, right?

ricky: Yeah?

karl: And she doesn't work with many people an' that, she's mainly on her own with, you know, just putting lipstick on rabbits and stuff like that, right?

ricky: Chimp fancies her? Chimp fancies her, she's putting on lipstick, chimp fancies her because she's got hairy legs?

karl: He gets, he gets pally, right, with - with this woman, because you know, it gets a point when he sees them every day...

ricky: It's the way he tries to sort of string it out like it's a narrative love story, did the chimp put its hands out and grabbed her and then you're thinking that he made a move on her?

karl: So he's allowed -

steve: Come on let him tell his story.

ricky: Oh, it's not a story is it?

karl: He's allowed out the cage and what have you

ricky: Yeah...

karl: So he's wondering about, and as time goes on his watching what she's doing more and more, right? So, he notices like, the code on the door, right?

steve: Right

karl: Whatever, 247 or what have you.

ricky: Yeah

karl: He goes, right I've clocked that. I've got that, I'll remember that, right.

ricky: Ehh, ooh... Definitely not

karl: And then he goes right, lot of lipstick and that knocking about, lot of makeup.

ricky: Right - Okay

steve: Let him finish!

ricky: No, no, there's no way, no because Steve, you know, what's gonna happen.

steve: Let him finish!

ricky: I know what's gonna happen. It's ridiculous.

karl: So he's there, and he's going, well if it's there, you know what I mean, so, so, while she's messing about with the rabbit, he gets there, in front of the mirror, putting a little bit of lippy on, right?

ricky: You are... No! It's gone too far.

steve: Let him finish, turn Ricky's microphone off.

ricky: No. It's gone too far Steve.

steve: Your mics off Rick, he's finishing the story, turn mine off as well.

karl: It's looking pretty good.

ricky: Oh, you didn't mention the mascara.

karl: It's looking all right, right? So it knows the code on the door 247. All right? So, when she's sort of messing about with the rabbit, all right, he goes, right here's me chance. it's looking good, 247, out the door, watchman's there, he's like, "Alright Kirsty, right?

ricky: Don't talk shit!

steve: "I Feel Free", from Cream, uh, that's pretty much the last track, isn't it guys, on XFM 104.9?

ricky: Well, I mean, yeah, I've got nothing to say out of that ridiculous, ridiculous story. I mean that's, that's worse than the bank robbery to me.

steve: Yeah

ricky: That he clocks out, and, and the bloke on the desk, "Alright Kirstie, Oh you're two foot shorter and hairy?"

karl: She wasn't a looker anyway.

ricky: (laughs) She wasn't a looker anyway!

ricky: Brilliant. Aww, play a record and say cheerio, we'll see you next week for all times.

karl: [inaudible] some ads.

steve: Oh adverts I'd love to end with advers.

ricky: See you later, that's brilliant - going out on a bang.

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