XFM Vault - S03E12 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Fortune Faded by Red Hot Chili Peppers on Xfm 104.9. With Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington for the last time.

steve: Yes, we've said that before of course, so don't get your hopes up.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah, we've had some highs, some lows, some laughs, some tears. Karl, you concentrating?

steve: Lot of tears, mainly from the audience's.

ricky: Yeah now before we get into that, before we get into talking about maybe some of the...

ricky: Hijinks we've had looking back, looking forward as well.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I came in, Karl was sitting at the desk and he went, "alright?" I went, "alright".

ricky: He went, "see that Alan Clark Diaries?" I went, "no, I didn't".

ricky: He went, "nor have I. A lot of people talking about it."

ricky: He went, "I've never kept a diary. Keeping a diary will always get you into trouble", and I said like Anne Frank. What did you say Karl?

karl: The woman in the cupboard?

ricky: That's what he said.

steve: The woman in the cupboard.

ricky: And I went save it, save it.

steve: Never speak to Karl off air, save it all for when we're on the wireless

ricky: He went, "but what did she do? What did she do except be in a cupboard? What did she have to write about?"

ricky: And I said, well, her thoughts.

ricky: Do you know Anne Frank?

karl: All I know about Anne is, there's no point pretending-

ricky: Anne!

karl: -that I know stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, erm...

ricky: Tell us everything you know about Anne Frank.

karl: Er, she was in a cupboard

ricky: (laughing) Yeah, what else?

karl: If she didn't do that I wouldn't know about her, seriously. That's all I know about her.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So what did she do?

ricky: Yeah but what do you think- we know about, we know about 'her cupboard' because of her book, don't we?

steve: But hang on, what, in the bigger scheme of things why was she in a cupboard?

karl: I don't know.

steve: Right.

karl: I honestly don't know.

steve: You don't know anything else about Anne Frank beyond the fact that, to quote you, "she was in a cupboard".

karl: Well what's she done then? You tell me why should I know more about her?

steve: Firstly, I don't think she was in a cupboard.

ricky: She wasn't in a cupboard, she was in an attic.

karl: Alright. Well what was she doing?

ricky: She was hiding from the-

steve: Tidying up.

ricky: She was hiding from the Nazis.

karl: But, isn't that the first place they'd look? Sort of-

karl: Work from the top down.

steve: Karl, they weren't specifically looking for Anne Frank.

ricky: They weren't going, "Where is she?"

steve: "Where's Frankers?"

ricky: "If she gets that book out we are in deep shit! We've got to stop the book!"

ricky: They were just looking generally.

ricky: She was, I think she was thirteen, fourteen? She was-

steve: Yes.

ricky: -hiding. She was Jewish and she was hiding... lived in Amsterdam didn't she?

steve: As much of her family were having to hide.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Being helped by, you know, friends, non-Jewish friends-

ricky: In a cupboard and I mean, a cupboard covers you know...

karl: And how long, you know how long did she sort of hide up there for?

steve: Until she was caught.

ricky: Long enough to write a book.

karl: So she even got caught after all that?

steve: What do you mean, "so she even got caught"? We're talking about one of the great, you know, humanist tragedies of our times, and you're going,

steve: "She couldn't even stay hidden".

ricky: What do you mean, didn't she get caught?

karl: No, I'm just saying like, you know, it's not a great tip then is it. Do you know what I mean, she didn't do it well. She didn't hide and say, "well I escaped it", she got caught.

steve: Her diaries are not a manual on how to hide from people! It's not how to win at hide and seek.

karl: I don't know anything about her, and we might be going down some ground that's a bit dodgy. I don't know enough about it, maybe it's best just leaving it. All I was saying is diaries, you know, what you do them for. Have you kept one Steve?

steve: Never kept a diary, no. I can understand your fear that it might get discovered.

steve: Someone might read it. Find out all about your inner secrets. Course lu-good thing about you is you tell everyone what you think about them.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah but not-

ricky: No one's gonna find a diary and go 'Oh god-

steve: 'Can't believe it. Karl doesn't like my haricut'.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. 'Karl think-Karl thinks I look like Dave Hill from Slade'.

steve: (laughs)

ricky: 'Yeah I told you that didn't I? Yeah. I told you that'.

karl: Do you think they'll last though? Diaries and that?

steve: Ha!

ricky: (suppresses laughter)

steve: What?

karl: No cos they were a bit of a time killer weren't they? It was something to do at the end of the day whereas now there's iPods and that.

ricky: (laughs) He's fantastic!

karl: Do you know what I mean?

ricky: The iPod of Anne Frank!

steve: Yeah.

karl: No but that's what I mean.

ricky: 'New from Sony'.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That would be great, wouldn't it? 'All her greatest hits. Who could forget?' Oh, dear.

karl: We'll leave that then.

ricky: Should we leave that?

karl: I didn't know it was that deep. I thought it was just like a, y'know-

steve: You thought it was li-didn't you-didn't you-

karl: Adrian Mole type thing.

ricky and steve: (laughs)

karl: Now what are we doing?

ricky: Play a record.

ricky: Thorns from my favourite album of last year, that. And uh, I Can't Remember. We'll be doing a bit of that, playing some of our favourite songs. We've uh got a couple of requests in fact.

steve: Oh really?

ricky: Yeah we've got a co-one of them celebrity requests. Matt Lucas from uh Little Britain, he's listening in.

steve: Oh yeah.

ricky: Eh 'Is it your last show?', I said yeah. I said 'Do you want me to play a record?'. He said yeah, I said 'What's your favourite group?' Guess Matt Lucas' favourite group. Now remember, him and David are the

ricky: New darlings of comedy.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: They're cool, they're trendy, everyone loves Little Britain. They're comedy geniuses. They're only gonna get bigger. What's his favourite group of all time?

steve: Um, oh that is tricky. Uh, Level 42?

ricky: Um, no. Karl, have a guess.

karl: Well it's gonna be something weird innit if you're saying this.

ricky: Well...

karl: So... uh how old? How old's the band?

ricky: Eh, they're probably about as old as him.

karl: How old's he?

ricky: Oh Karl, have a guess.

karl: ABBA.

ricky: No it's uh... why'd you say ABBA?

karl: ...they're good aren't they?

ricky: Um (laughs) no it's The Proclaimers.

steve: The Proclaimers?!

ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

steve: Really?

ricky: Yeah. And I know he's listening. But, y'know...

steve: I mean there's nothing wrong with The Proclaimers. I just can't imagine anyone getting that excited about them.

ricky: I bet that's why he likes you. Cos you hang out with him don't you?

steve: I do hang out with him.

ricky: He thinks he-

steve: I suppose I'm like-yeah.

ricky: It's like the closest thing he-he knows one of The Proclaimers.

steve: Wait till he meets my twin brother.

ricky: (laughs) He's gonna have a field day isn't he?

steve: He won't believe it.

ricky: Yeah. So I was honest, I said 'I can't play The Proclaimers. But we'll play them another-

steve: Where did they

steve: Wh-what-where did they come from? Cos I don't really remember The Proclaimers particularly from when I was younger.

ricky: Well let me give you a little blast...(yodels)...but in two part harmony.

steve: Of course.

ricky: That was the main thing.

steve: But they were very popular for a while, weren't they?

ricky: I think they em had sort of three big hits in-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -sort of about nineteen eighty...sev-when was it?

steve: Yeah. Oh I forget.

ricky: Yeah. '80s.

steve: Scottish-they did sing in Scottish accents which I thought was quite refreshing.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They didn't do the fake American thing.

ricky: No that was-that was good.

steve: But again I can't imagine sort of being in that... when would I be in the mood to put on a Proclaimers record?

ricky: When you run out of Krankies stuff I suppose.

steve: I guess so yeah.

ricky: You've played all your Krankies records.

steve: Yeah and your Muppets album.

ricky: Yeah, pop on The Proclaimers.

ricky: Now we were talking before the break about Anne Frank in her cupboard.

steve: Yes. Yes. I'm still a little bit concerned that Karl's not quite got his head around Anne Frank's diary. It's not like it's a children's book. It's not like "The Lion, Anne Frank and the Wardrobe".

ricky: No, no.

steve: She doesn't go into a fantasy land when she goes into the attic.

ricky: I'm just glad that Old Mother Hubbard didn't help the Nazis because that's the first place she'd look.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Isn't it? The Nazis would go "we've Old Mother Hubbard, she thinks she knows where she is."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: She'd have gone straight there.

steve: I think with Hubbard is I... if I just briefly mentioned Hubbard...

steve: Now Hubbard goes to the cupboard to get, I can't remember exactly-

ricky: A poor dog a bone-

steve: She goes to get a dog-

ricky: -a bone. But when she got there-

steve: -the cupboard was bare

ricky: The cupboard was bare, and so the poor dog had none.

steve: Is there more to that than I... Because that's all I remember. Is there further verses? Does she finally get a bone, does she go on an adventure?

ricky: What, you mean the second verse is, "then she looked in the fridge and realised that's where she kept the bone and so the dog was laughing."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: No, there is another verse.

steve: That's all of it.

ricky: I think so. Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get the poor dog a bone, when she got there the cupboard was bare, and so the poor dog had none. No I think that's the end of it. I think it's the moral that-

steve: What, what's the moral?

ricky: Well, if you've got a dog keep some bones in the cupboard.

steve: Right, because I always, even as a kid, I remember thinking

steve: It's quite a tragic sort of picture they paint. I imagine maybe she's lost-

ricky: It's short isn't it.

steve: It is pretty short, it's pithy.

ricky: It's- that's amazing.

steve: I always wondered whether perhaps she's had a nervous breakdown, maybe her husband's died recently. She's just not got any food.

ricky: She doesn't know-

steve: She doesn't know what's going on. The dog's, you know, yapping away. Eventually she kind of wakes out of this kind of depressed stupor, she goes to the cupboard, there's nothing there. It's just a really depressing morbid sort of tale.

steve: I don't know if maybe it's originated from something in history. I know that Jack and Jill who went up the hill and fell down again-

ricky: A story about illicit lovers.

steve: That's apparently based on that.

steve: And obviously ring-a-ring-a-rosies, dates-

ricky: Plague?

steve: Dates back to plague times, so I dunno about Hubbard.

steve: Erm, Humpty Dumpty? Not so... sure about this. I... this is something I remember... as a kid thinking... what- at what point was it decided that Humpty Dumpty was a giant egg man?

ricky: I don't know!

steve: Because there's nothing in the actual rhyme It's not, "Humpty Dumpty the egg man sat on a wall".

ricky: My concern is more if, I mean, his parents were a little bit cruel... because if you are The Dumpties...

ricky: ...of, say, Surrey.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Don't call your firstborn Humpty.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Because straight away it's going to be embarrassing for him in school isn't it. I don't know...

ricky: (recites Humpty Dumpty without using words)

ricky: Is that it as well?

steve: That's all of it.

ricky: Oh god!

steve: And also, I don't mean to be pedantic because I know it's a children's nursery rhyme-

ricky: Is it like an Edward Lear thing?

steve: I don't mean to be pedantic again, but if you've got a giant egg man and he's fallen to bits, you know.

steve: All the king's men, fine, they can piece that together again. Don't send horses in.

ricky: No.

steve: That's just a...

steve: Whole eggy, horsey mess.

ricky: They're gonna make it worse.

steve: They're just gonna be stamping on him.

ricky: They are gonna make him worse.

steve: It's not a great idea.

ricky: "They're standing on him, get the horse out of the way, now he's definitely d..."

steve: But again, maybe I'm sure some of the you know...

ricky: It was probably- if it was... is it pre-Lewis Carroll or...? If it's Lewis Carroll it just came with illustration. There's some- he gave it to someone to illustrate, to illustrate Humpty Dumpty and he goes, "well you've made him an egg!"

steve: "Yeah, a sort of egg with eyes and a face."

ricky: Yeah!

steve: I mean I suppose... cause the moral of that is if you're fragile-

ricky: If you're an egg-

steve: If you're an enormous egg-

ricky: "Mr Dumpty! Get down from the wall." "I'll be fine."

ricky: Because I'll tell you what, there'll be no medical-

steve: Accident waiting to happen.

ricky: Yeah. I don't know. Karl, what was your favorite nursery rhyme when you were growing up?

karl: Er, I didn't really do that much reading as a kid.

ricky: You're joking.

steve: You surprise me.

ricky: You're joking.

karl: Erm... what's the one with loads of people in a bed? What's that one?

ricky: Oh, there was one in the bed and the little one said roll over. Yeah.

steve: Now cause that's not really even got a story to it is it, it's just-

ricky: Hold on though, I'll stop you there, it doesn't even say people. It says 'there was ten in the bed and the little one'. Little what?

ricky: They could be anything. I don't know what they are. Roll over- they all rolled over and one fell out. There was nine in the bed and the little one said roll over.

steve: Now where is the little one in the bed?

ricky: I don't know, but worse than that... what has he got over the other nine?

steve: That he can demand they roll out the bed.

ricky: And why is there one getting back in?

steve: Yeah, they're just lying on the floor.

ricky: "We're here now". I don't know.

karl: How does that end as well. Where's that going?

ricky: There was one in the bed and the little one said, again he just says- presumably he's just telling himself to roll over.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: There was one in the bed and the little one said roll over.

ricky: So he rolled over and one fell out - that's him.

steve: That's him.

ricky: There was none in the bed and the little one said roll over. So now he's calling the shots presumably laying on a pile of-

steve: Yeah, they're just still rolling around.

ricky: I don't know, I don't know Karl. We gotta look into this. If anyone knows why Dumpty was an egg, if Hubbard eventually found a dog a bone, and what was the little one doing? What did the little one think he was doing for God's sake.

karl: When I saw me dad last year. He was telling me about one-

karl: About a fella who's got some clothes you can see through.

karl: What's that one?

steve: You don't mean The Emperor's New Clothes?

karl: Yeah what's that one about?

steve: That's a genuinely good little parable.

ricky: Yeah, because it's now used for people who are scared to sort of slag something off because it's sort of like really cool and that, and they don't want to be the one that shouts it. And then one person goes hold on.

steve: Very very briefly, Karl, very very briefly. The king wants some new clothes right? He's a king, he goes, "who's gonna make me some new clothes".

steve: Various people come to him, he says "I don't like that. I don't like that. It's not interesting enough".

steve: One guy who's just a bit of a con artist comes along.

steve: He goes, "I've made you this magic suit, look, and it's nothing." He goes, "put it on".

ricky: It's invisible

steve: The king puts on nothing because there is nothing but thinks there's something because you know, he wants to buy into it and everything-

ricky: And he goes, "it's the finest stitching, look at it. Can you see it?" They actually say, "only a genius can see how good this suit is".

ricky: And the King goes, "yeah, yeah, it's brilliant, it's brilliant. Yeah, it's great." And he goes out and just is it a woman or a little kid-

steve: Well everyone's applauding, they're going, "you look great". Even though his tackle's hanging out, he's you know, he's nothing.

ricky: Even though he's got a king size sort of like bit of 'meat and two veg' wobbling- dragging down the street.

steve: Exactly and then one little boy goes, "you're not wearing anything"!

ricky: "The king is in the altogether the altogether"... Know that one?

karl: So..did anyone else buy one, or was..?

steve: Ohhh.

ricky: Okay play a record Karl

steve: Play a record, Karl, just play a song.

ricky: Jesus.

ricky: Travis - "writing to reach you" on Xfm 104.9 alright?

steve: Couple of emails here trying to respond to our requests for um nursery rhyme related information.

ricky: Oh go on..

steve: Nicky Williams says that she was at infant school and she had a nursery rhyme book and the book ,in the book and this may again, may just be the illustrations but apparently the ten in the bed in there were small baby monkeys, which you'll be loving Karl. But again, I'd I suspect that might just be the illustrator, I never had the book.

ricky: I remember I had a book of nursery rhymes when I was little and uh my brother um who was older than me, I was about 5 so he was about 16. I remember him and his mate just absolutely cracking up becase it said um up Jack drot and um..up Jack got and home did trot as fast as he could caper he went to bed and bandaged his nob N O B with vinegar and brown paper. I've since found out the nob is like the old English for head, but I didn't know why they were laughing

steve: Course

ricky: They were just cracking up this this was..

ricky: Whenever one my mate's brothers came round, he came up and said 'where's your nursery rhyme book. and he'd read it to 'em.

steve: Yeah

ricky: And it was just the funniest thing in the world.

steve: The brown paper and vinegar was a popular method because didn't Jack and Jill use that, they used something similar?

ricky: That was Jack and Jill. Yeah, that's Jack when he broke his crown which obviously oh that means his head as well. Doesn't it?

ricky: Yeah,

steve: Yeah yeah yeah

ricky: So he's fractured his skull on a sort of like an outcrop of rock.

steve: Yeah,

ricky: And then uh

steve: Is that still used the brown paper vinegar?

ricky: I don't think it is.

steve: I don't know maybe in Manchester they're still using that I'm not sure

ricky: Yeah

steve: Tracey and John Burton say that they reckon Humpty Dumpty was actually a cannon that used to sit on the walls of the castle in Colchester where they live

ricky: Th-that makes sense.

steve: Yeah, that would make a lot more sense

ricky: ..up on the wall, had a great fall

ricky: All the kings men couldn't put 'im together again so he had to go "Oh, I broke the cannon

ricky: Or it meant it exploded

steve: Maybe the cannon fell apart

ricky: Because people used to get blown up by cannons. Just doing it wrong didn't they?

steve: Sure

ricky: Which is where "hoist by your own petard"

steve: Right

ricky: Where that comes from right,

steve: Right right right

ricky: Coming back and blowin' up in your face.

steve: That makes slightly more sense. Because he would want to send for the King's Men then.

ricky: Yeah, and the horses

steve: I think the horses just came along anyway cus it was interesting

ricky: Well they, well no, that was quicker

steve: Sure

ricky: They were the quick King's Men. It took 'em about three minutes but the horses were there in about a minute. so uh, but I mean if it blew up there was nothing they could do. So uh, so we've got to the bottom of that

ricky: See look, educational Karl see this is real education.

karl: Mm... It's just got a bit heavy tho innit?

ricky: What at what Humpty Dumpty. Yeah, it has got a little bit heavy. Let's try and let's dumb it down a little bit what you want to do Mary Mary Quite Contrary?

karl: We doin Rockbusters in a bit?

ricky: Hang on a minute

ricky: What?

steve: Before you even get to Rockbusters. Ooh man alive.

steve: There are loads more verses to Old Mother Hubbard

ricky: Are there?!

steve: I'm gonna digest these while we play the ads and I'll see if there's any salient information I can give you after.

ricky: Brilliant!

ricky: Delays.

ricky: Long time coming on XFM 104.9, with Ricky Gervais, Steven Merchant and Karl Pilkington for the last time.

steve: XFM 104.9

ricky: Sad.

steve: Umm, we've established that Hubbard went to the cupboard Rick.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Get the dog bone, the cupboard was empty, as we all know. And the dog went...

ricky: Yeah. So the dog didn't have any, end of story. So the dog didn't have any.

steve: Well no, no, no, no, wait.

ricky: Hold on. Go on. What, what, what, what.

steve: It turns out there's ahh, what appears to be something like 15 other verses.

ricky: Not really?

steve: Unbelievable. I'm not gonna go through all of them Rick.

ricky: Right. Any, any, any, um, any information, go on.

steve: Well basically I can tell you straight away, the dog, the dog initially had none.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: She went to the baker's to buy him some bread, when she came back the poor dog was dead. Right? You're pretty upset about that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: She went to the joiners to buy him a coffin, when she came back the poor dog was laughing. I don't know what he's up to.

ricky: Right, ahh.

steve: She took a clean dish to get him some tripe and but when he came back, when she came back, he was smoking a pipe. I mean.

ricky: Hold on, so the dog was winding her up then at the beginning being dead?

steve: The dog's just. I mean he's pushing his luck. Especially if she's already depressed.

ricky: But, but d'you know what if I was that dog. Right.

ricky: And I lived with old Mother Hubbard, right. All that faffing around, I'd be going "I know there's no bones in the cupboard."

steve: Exactly.

ricky: Right. "What do you mean, you're gonna get me some bread? I'm a dog, I'm not interested in bread. Get, get get me some hamburgers."

steve: Yeah

ricky: So I'd start, I think I'd start winding her up.

steve: She went to the alehouse to get him some beer, when she came back the dog sat in a chair.

ricky: See I'd've said, "the dog had turned queer."

steve: Yeah. It doesn't scan very well does it.

ricky: Make it rhyme at least, and also get a little, you know. He's ahh, he's smoking a pipe. He's having a laugh.

steve: I'm beginning to wonder if.

ricky: He's bent. He's bent.

steve: I'm, I'm beginning to wonder if this is based on fact though, in any way, because she went to the grocers to buy him some fruit, when she came back he was playing the flute.

ricky: He's gay.

steve: No, it is the flute. It's not ahh(mumbles)

steve: Now this. I didn't even know there was a goat involved.

ricky: Oh noo.

steve: She went to the tailor's to buy him a coat, when she came back he was riding the goat.

ricky: Eyah. There you go. Dirty little ohh what

steve: She went to the hat, well, she went to the hatters to buy him a hat, when she came back he was feeding the cat. I mean...

ricky: I can't believe it. So I'm thinking the pipes a crack pipe.

steve: Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute. You're get, I think the gay things beginning to stand up.

ricky: Go on. Ooh.

steve: She went to the barbers to buy him a wig, when she came back...

ricky: He was having a frigg?

steve: (Laughs) He was dancing a jig.

ricky: (Laughs)

steve: He was dancing a jig. You're dancing a jig.

ricky: Ohh, he's dancing a jig, smoking a pipe, shagging a goat.

steve: This is a, this is a bit of left field one though, she went to the Cobblers to buy him some shoes.

ricky: (Laughs) Why does he need shoes? I bet they're, I bet they're high heels.

steve: Wait a second though. She went to the cobblers to buy him some shoes, when she came back, you're never gonna believe this, he was reading the news. He was reading the news.

ricky: (laughs) Brilliant!

steve: Umm, she went to the seamstress to buy him some linen. Again, I don't know why, when she came back the dog was a spinning.

ricky: Yep.

steve: She went to the hoosiers to buy him some hose, when she came back he was dressed in his clothes.

ricky: Aha yeah, but why did she want to get him?

steve: This is, this is the big payoff that we've been building to.

ricky: Alright

steve: The Dame

steve: -made a curtsy, the dog made a bow. The Dame said, "your servant", the dog said, "bow-wow".

ricky: Right.

steve: I mean

ricky: Okay.

steve: I... you know.

ricky: I'm going to probably do a few more verses during the next song.

steve: During the course of the show?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Listen, before we move on, I should just say that we've had various people saying what was in the bed and what was the final line of the bed-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -thing.

ricky: Why do they care?

steve: It's extraordinary, isn't it? We've talked about politics in the past, great music, we've played great songs.

ricky: Yeah. We've got monkey news coming up (talking about politics).

steve: But Danny's said that apparently it ends with one in the bed little one said good night.

ricky: Because he was all happy, he had the bed to himself.

steve: But Eva-

ricky: There's nine of his mates piled on the floor-

steve: Rick, but Eva counters that by saying actually one in the bed little one said come back. Because he felt lonely.

steve: So...

ricky: We're never gonna get to the bottom of this.

steve: I don't know, Rick.

ricky: This is the same as the Kennedy thing, there's loads of different opinions.

steve: (over Ricky) Conspiracy theories.

ricky: I know, we don't know what's going on.

ricky: Bit of Jimmy Webb would be good.

ricky: Jimmy Webb - Galveston. Fantastic version. On Xfm 104.9.

ricky: You know what Steve I know people going to miss the talk about little Chinese fellas, little gay fellas, little monkey fellas and all that, but I think they're going to miss some great tunes as well.

steve: I'd hope so.

ricky: She went to the jeweller's to buy him a clock, but when she got back...

steve: What was he sucking?

ricky: A choc ice.

steve: A choc ice, fine.

ricky: So...

steve: Fine, respectable.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Erm, yeah, I sort of feel like, you know, one thing we've never done, Rick, is we've never pandered to people but as it's the last show, erm, we've got to give the audience what they want-

ricky: Rockbusters?

steve: Well, yeah, and I was gonna say things they don't want as well.

steve: You know, and well just basically to keep a smile on Karl's face.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I say a smile - a sort of not quite a scowl.

ricky: Yeah, he never really smiles.

steve: So, erm, yeah, it's just- really it's a chance for him to have a go. It's like, you know, you indulge a- an annoying child.

ricky: The only time Karl laughs is for no apparent reason.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: What do you think-

karl: What do you mean?

ricky: Well, sometimes you'll go, "heh". And I know you'll be thinking of what a monkey could do.

steve: Yeah, it's like it's like people who have had electroshock therapy.

ricky: (laughing) Yeah! I just imagine him tied down biting on something.

steve: Exactly, yeah.

ricky: Biting on a big leather pad.

steve: Let me just tell you briefly what the prizes are-

ricky: That- that looks like a piece of shit you've got there.

steve: Let me tell you, Rick. There's a number of mediocre CDs and DVDs-

ricky: That is real tat.

steve: -but mainly what about this, it's The Lord of the Rings Collector's Edition-

ricky: Ooooh!

steve: What, the movies you thinking?

steve: No, it's the Radio 4 adaptation. It's only 14 hours long, Rick.

ricky: Ohh that is... throw that away! Pop that in the bin!

ricky: That is just... Either pop it in the bin or send it to some poor bastard who wins this quiz.

steve: Exactly. If you're willing to take part in the quiz, you deserve 14 hours of your life wasted with that Tolkien tripe.

ricky: Right.

steve: So what are the clues again Karl?

karl: Right. As always, just you know cryptic clues and that, initials of a band or an artist. Work it out, win the stuff.

karl: Um..

ricky: Email only.

karl: Yeah. ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. First clue is as follows...ehm..

steve: (laughs)

karl: The Jamaican fella wrote a review for -

ricky: OH HO HO!

steve: It's the good old Jamaican fella!

ricky: He's back!

steve: The Jamaican fella!

ricky: OH, it's the last show and the little Jamaican fella has made an appearance.

steve: This normally suggests that you need to think of the answer in a Jamaican accent.

ricky: Yeah. Or not.

steve: Yeah or not.

ricky: Yeah. Any accent. Or an accent. Or pronounce the word slightly differently.

steve: Yeah okay.

ricky: Yeah, go on.

karl: The Jamaican fella wrote a review for Phoenix Nights.

karl: Alright?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: D.C. are the initials.

steve: D.C.?

karl: Yeah.

steve: D for Derek?

karl: Yeah.

steve: Okay.

karl: Yeah, D.C. The Jamaican fella wrote a review for Phoenix Nights, that's the first one. Um, second one. There's three of 'em. Second one is uh we should all vote for Paul Daniels, David Blaine, Copperfield, The Great Suprendo, Tommy Cooper and Derren Brown. We should all vote for them. Why's that? What was...

ricky: (laughs)

steve: What's the initial?

ricky: I just got the first one.

karl: E.S.

steve: E.S.?

karl: E.S.

steve: Okay.

karl: And the last one. Ehm...

karl: Steve, what did your dad do?

steve: Steve what did my dad do?

karl: What did your dad do?

steve: Is that the question or are you asking me?

karl: Well, Ricky what did your dad do? It can work on anyone.

steve: Right.

karl: What did your dad do?

ricky: Alright.

karl: Alright, that's E. Alright?

steve: What's your dad do...

karl: So quickly, again - The Jamaican fella wrote review for Phoenix Nights, alright - D.C. Second one. We should all vote for Paul Daniels, David Blaine.

steve: Yeah, yeah yeah go on.

karl: No but that's important. Right.

karl: E.S., and the last one, you know, Steve. What did your dad do? Alright, initial E.

steve: Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk - we don't want to speak to you. Please don't phone up.

ricky: Remember you could win some Lord of the Rings tripe.

karl: Alright.

ricky: "Alright, alright"

steve: Last Rockbusters ever thank god...

steve: Faith No more and their version of I'm Easy on Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington - Rick...

ricky: For the last time.

steve: We - we've only really got three topics of discussion, on the show. I think you'd agree with that.

ricky: Errrrm, little Chinese fellows?

steve: Little Chinese fella's

ricky: Monkeys?

steve: Monkeys.

ricky: And... the gays?

steve: Gay people.

ricky: Yep.

steve: We're hoping to cover all those subjects today, Monkey News is coming up later. I'm sure we can find something to discuss about gay people...

ricky: We've done gays! We've done a few gays!

steve: I suppose we've talked about (inaudible).

ricky: Yeah, yeah yeah big-time, big-time, big-time.

steve: I think you'll enjoy this. This is something that been sent through to us. I'm not quite sure who by, but thanks very much for it. It's a story that was in the the press recently. I'm not going to give you the headline. I think give away too much. I think Karl you'll be particularly interested in it. A farmer in Eastern China.

ricky: Alright, here we go.

steve: Basically he paid 1,300 pounds, or the Chinese equivalent, to marry the woman and basically she refused to sleep with him after the wedding, complaining that she felt unwell.

steve: Six days after the ceremony she tried to run away but the farmer followed her they found her in some neighboring town. They grappled together. The bogus bride's false breasts fell off,

ricky: Izzard? Not Izzard up to his old tricks again?

steve: It wasn't Izzard...

ricky: Trying to do another show in Chinese this time!

steve: It was a man...

ricky: Oh no!

steve: And erm...

steve: Apparently, ah yeah it was an arranged marriage. I don't know sort that out.

ricky: Did he get his money back?

steve: I think-

ricky: 'Cause I think men are cheaper than women, ah, to marry in China I think.

steve: But um, you mean you've gotta be... probably pretty simple not to realize that the person you're marrying's a bloke, surely.

ricky: Well no he did-he didn't, he didn't have a little look what, what was ah, you know in the back of the store, he just saw the shop window, sort of lovely... lovely little Chinese lady there.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Right? you know...

steve: The- the lovely hair, real breasts.

ricky: Well, There's- there's lumps where breasts should be, I can only assume they are breasts.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Right? you know, you know do you see 'em walking around going "what are they breasts or they, you know, stealing sort of grapefruits?" no...

steve: But wouldn't there have been a lo- wouldn't there have been quite a sort of long initiation period when they sort of first became introduced and such?

ricky: Not if he put his money down, he came and they said right I want a bird quickly. here's a- here's a grand...

steve: Sure

ricky: ...get me one. They-they're not going to say "ah, d'you want real breasts or? They're just going to assume..

steve: Sure.

ricky: Oh yeah here's one... here's a little Chinese lady.

steve: But who is he paying? Where is he buying this woman from?

ricky: From the Chinese lady shop. Probably.

steve: Chinese lady shop?

ricky: Yeah

steve: Sure, yeah

ricky: So ah, yeah

ricky: There's one in Chinatown i think

steve: Okay

ricky: So ah...

steve: Yeah?

ricky: Not really a town

steve: Not exactly a town, more a novelty Street

ricky: ...and the roads are very slippery.

steve: Very sticky.

karl: I'll tell you what though.

ricky: What?

karl: I was looking at their menus when i was walking home, they don't waste anything do they?

ricky: Why?

karl: Duck's tongue on the menu.

ricky: Yeah but it's better when you say it. Alright? Duck's tongue. Duck's tongue, really?

steve: You sure that wasn't the proprietor?

ricky: Coldplay, Warning Sign on XFM 104.9. Karl, look at that What is it? What is it?

karl: Your nipple

ricky: Right, right. Okay. What am I doing to it?

karl: You're messing with it.

ricky: Yeah, and what's happening to it?

karl: It's going off a bit

ricky: Yeah, would you kiss it?

karl: No, no...

ricky: ... for 100 quid?

ricky: Hundred note.

karl: No

ricky: Would you just...

karl: No, no i wouldnt

ricky: Kiss- kiss it?

karl: No i wouldnt.

ricky: Why? 100 quid

karl: What- what are we doing this for?

steve: I think I heard this same feature on Wogen, I'm not sure.

steve: Seriously Karl? I'm intrigued to know how much would you...

ricky: Yeah- just to ki-

steve: ...have to be paid just to kiss Ricky's nipple?

ricky: Not suck it, or lick it, or anything like that, just *kiss* like that, just on the nipple.

karl: Five grand.

ricky: Five grand to kiss my nipple?! but if you'd do it for five, you'd do it for one, a thousand pounds cash to kiss my nipple.

karl: No, no im not doing it

ricky: You're joking? A thousand pound his my nipple. Come on It's the last show-

karl: No i'm not doing it.

ricky: Two thousand.

karl: If you had the money there, and like if you had it there, I might do it.

ricky: For what?

karl: But im not doing it .

ricky: Five hundred quid.

karl: No, stop taking it down.

ricky: Wh-what's that meant to-

karl: Two grand.

ricky: Two grand to- so you've gone down from five to two straight away. look, look

karl: Steve? What's going on?

ricky: D- j- Karl?..

steve: I seriously think I'd like to see you kiss his nipples for two thousand pounds

karl: Well I'm not, it's not going to happen is it? so...

ricky: If Steve wants and I want it that's two-to-one...

karl: It's not goin' to happen, It's not goin' to happen.

ricky: ...I thought it was a democracy this show?

karl: D'you want Educating Ricky or what?

steve: Email in if you'd like to see, or rather hear...

karl: Don't bother

steve: ...Karl kiss Ricky's nipple for two thousand pounds.

karl: Don't- Don't bother because it's not going to happen.

steve: Come on Karl!

ricky: Right.

steve: It's not like its Johno's nipple.

karl: Next.

ricky: No it-

ricky: Next!

ricky: Okay okay, well ah-

steve: Would you kiss this for ah, 25 quid?

ricky: Okay okay...

karl: Come one

ricky: Rockb- ah, what were you doing? what are we doing? Educating Ricky?

karl: Do you wanna set that up?

ricky: Why were you looking by the way? why were you looking at that? You didn't have to look at that.

ricky: Yeah, go on.

karl: Right, this is when I teach Ricky stuff, and just give him some headlines to sort of tease him into what's gone on this week that you might want to know about. Right?

ricky: Yep, go on.

karl: Uhh, is that import-ant?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right? You got that.

steve: OK, headline one.

ricky: That'll be somat to do with ants. Go on.

karl: Er, Werther's a way... Werther's a will, there's a way.

ricky: Right, OK, that'll be something about sucking mints.

karl: Uhh, hook, line... and good thinkers.

ricky: God, OK.

steve: Right, so which of those are you choosing?

ricky: I'll have the... is that import-ant.

karl: You want to do it now?

steve: Oh yeah, yeah, no let's do one of them now.

ricky: Come on. It's Christmas Eve, you open one. Come on.

karl: You know I don't like anteaters.

ricky: Why?!

steve: OK I should just point out to people that as far as Karl is convinced, the stories that he's about to relate are absolutely 100% true.

ricky: Yeah

steve: You be the judge of whether...

ricky: He's seen them on the internet, of course they're true. Go on!

karl: Anteaters, yeah?

ricky: Why don't you like them?

karl: I've told you before I just don't— it annoys me that an animal's named after what it eats.

karl: You don't need 'em.

ricky: Yeah but it didn't choose it, did it?

karl: Yeah but if there's nothing else that it can be called, it's like— "oh, what's it do?", "I dunno", "what's it eating?", "it's eating ants", "right, let's call it an anteater". Not good enough.

ricky: But why are you annoyed at it though, for someone else calling it— being lazy?

karl: Cause it obviously doesn't do anything else. D'you know what I mean?

ricky: But what do you want it to be called, the chartered surveyor?

karl: Whatever, just a proper name.

ricky: What's a proper name?

karl: Well, I'm just saying...

ricky: But tell me an animal that's a proper name to you.

karl: Beaver is pretty good.

ricky: Why is that a proper name?!

karl: It doesn't matter anyway, I don't understand what they're about.

steve: Alright, you and anteaters have got issues.

ricky: OK, sometimes I genuinely don't understand what his thought processes are. Go on. Right, OK, an anteater. You don't like anteaters because they just eat ants and that's what they're named after. Go on.

karl: Do you know that an anteater...

ricky: Yep.

karl: ...can stick its tongue in and out, 160 times in a minute.

ricky: Nope, didn't know that.

karl: Alright?

ricky: OK. Play a re— OK.

steve: Oh, it's rubbish.

ricky: Thanks.

karl: No but do you think that's good? Cause I...

ricky: What d'you mean? Should I call Norris McWhirter? What d'you mean do I think that's good? Compared to what?

karl: You see I read it and thought so what? So it's interesting.

steve: Well we think so what as well.

ricky: So you still put it down as something interesting to tell me.

karl: No but it's the fact that that is meant to be amazing. I did 148...

steve: Who's claiming it's amazing?

karl: I did 148 last night, in a minute. Right?

ricky: Play a record! Oh, well hold on, there's my nipple. How many could you do if it meant you had to touch me nipple at the end. £2,000!

ricky: Ash, "Burn Baby Burn" on Xfm 104.9. We do talk twaddle.

steve: Oh, God yeah.

ricky: I mean— I don't know why we haven't got complaints. We haven't got any complaints have we?

steve: No listeners.

ricky: We've had... one.

steve: No one listening.

ricky: No it must be that, cause Kilroy, he's probably got a big show and he— it's all over the place.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Mind you, he— you know, I'd be annoyed if he'd have said that about me.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: But, he's gotta be careful who he annoys, cause he will

ricky: End up having to move in with Salman Rushdie.

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

steve: Is Salman, uh, is he still on the run?

ricky: No, no, he's out -

steve: They've forgiven him?

ricky: I've seen him twice. I think he's out all the time now. I bet his flat is a pigsty.

steve: Sure.

ricky: It was neat when he was living with 400 CIA people and a couple of -

steve: You, er, you remember we went into hiding - I think it was mid eighties, I can't remember exactly.

ricky: Yeah, something like that.

steve: He went into hiding, he was in there - he was hiding, basically surrounded by security guards, confined to his flat for about 10 years or something.

ricky: I'd have thought so, yeah.

steve: Have you ever seen a picture of his Mrs?

ricky: Yeah, are you annoyed?

steve: Well, I mean man alive. She's like a sort of - I think she's like a former Miss India or something, stunning.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Have you seen a picture of him?

steve: I mean, he might be a great man and a talented writer and an intellectual fella but, jesus. Do something with the beard.

ricky: Well it's - yeah, but he's busy, isn't he.

steve: What?

ricky: He's busy writing stuff.

steve: How did he pull her, when he was just basically in there, in his flat?

ricky: I don't know. Internet?

steve: Possibly.

ricky: Just got to know him and then she kept saying "send a picture" and he goes "no, I'm not sending a picture, come round".

steve: Yeah. "Read some of my books, they're brilliant".

ricky: "They're brilliant". She goes: "Well, yeah, now I'm in love with you. Let's have a look. Oh right, well I'm in love with you now so, good luck to you."

steve: And he's going "got my own place".

ricky: "got me own place, yeah. I got a few staff".

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "There's a few other people, hanging around. Don't - don't worry about it".

steve: "I'm in a lot".

ricky: I'll tell you something else that'll annoy you.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Stephen Hawking not only married, but dumped her for his, er, nurse.

steve: Extraordinary, isn't it?

ricky: So he's pulling birds left, right and centre.

steve: Well, you know it's - er - it's true that I, you know, I mean, not so much now, but years ago, I was not the ladies man.

ricky: That you are now. You weren't sort of suave and sophisticated. You weren't -

steve: No, exactly.

ricky: You weren't the James Bond type that you've, er, grown into -

steve: I wasn't the James Bond of TV comedy.

ricky: Cos I remember Karl, when you first met him about three years ago, what did you think?

karl: Just a bit odd.

ricky: I love it.

steve: And that's coming from him.

ricky: I know. Yeah.

steve: But I'll tell you what used to really annoy me. Because you're talking of - Do you remember there is that story, I think it was a world record breaking attempt.

steve: There was a bloke. I think it was up in a car park, in a pub car park in sort of Leeds or somewhere.

ricky: Oh, no, Mansfield, it was a car park in Mansfield, and he broke the record for being buried alive.

steve: Being buried alive.

ricky: I mean and he was literally in a casket like - not David Blaine out in the lovely sunshine,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: With loads - Jonathon Ross waving to you.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: No, none of that, Paul McCartney calling you a mate, you know what I mean? Uh, he was buried alive in the dark with just a tube

steve: Yeah.

ricky: For communication and putting water down -

steve: I think he was buried about 10 feet underground are there's a tube which they - people would communicate and send stuff down.

ricky: Put water down, and -

steve: And I remember reading the story, I kept - I was interested - I remember reading it and there was one element the story, -

ricky: You were thinking this'd be a cheap holiday.

steve: Well -

ricky: You're not gonna pay those prices: 400 quid? In those seasons? You're having a laugh, that's nothing. Mansfield car park.

steve: And there was an element - it said in the news report, it said that while he was down in the ground, he began and ended a relationship with a woman. While he was down there. Some fan, who was a fan of what he was doing, he started communicating with her through the tube. They - because - I don't know the ins and outs of it, but they

steve: Began a relationship and it ended. And I have to say, I remember thinking, you know, when you read that there's a man -

ricky: How did it end?

steve: Well, I've no idea.

ricky: I wonder if she goes, "look this isn't working. Yeah, that's twice. You've stood me up". "Well, um, I can't get out, can I?"

steve: But I remember thinking at the time, you know, I - as I say - I was not the sort of, the ladies man that I am now. I remember at the time reading it and thinking there's a bloke, you know, he's pulling women 10 feet underground through a tube.

ricky: Through a tube. I'm out and about,

steve: Yeah.

ricky: With some

ricky: One of the most expensie hair products on the market.

steve: I've gotta sit down and ask myself some very serious questions.

ricky: Oh, dear.

steve: Extraordinary. I don't know if he did the world record attempt, I don't know if he broke it. I don't know how that happened. But, good luck to him.

karl: What d'you mean a hole, though? Like what— a proper thing or is he moving about? How big is this?

ricky: No, I think he was just buried alive in a casket. I don't know, just down there, probably laying on his back maybe. Just waiting for little bits of water...

karl: But could he get out if he wanted to?

ricky: Well yeah, he could say "can you get me out?" He couldn't just leave and then come back, there was people...

karl: So someone's there, then?

ricky: No! They've buried him and said "well we better go back in a couple of weeks, see how he's doing". What d'you mean someone's there? Course there's someone there! Norris McWhirter for one I'd imagine, going [imitating Norris McWhirter] "three days, just a few more to go". Is it Norris or...

karl: And why in a car park?

ricky: Who's alive, Ross or Norris?

steve: I think it's Norris, you're thinking of.

ricky: Right, yeah.

steve: Yeah. What's that?

karl: It annoys me all of this

karl: Getting in a hole and in a box and all that, people going "ooh, that's good". I mean if he was doing something when he was down there... making something or whatever, you'd go "that's quite clever". But I don't understand all the fuss about, people just making a fuss about things that aren't that clever these days. It's just— d'you know what I mean?

ricky: I don't reckon he beat Anne Frank's record.

steve: No, I think she's got the record.

ricky: I know, yeah. And she did somat, she wrote a book. So you must think that she's pretty good then.

karl: Yeah, but at least she did something.

ricky: Yeah I know, yeah. That's what I'm saying.

karl: That's what I mean. There's some fuss

karl: About a woman who's going up Everest on a bike.

karl: Someone's walked it! That's harder than going on a bike.

ricky: No it's not.

karl: Course it is.

ricky: Course it's not.

karl: Course it is.

ricky: Not uphill.

karl: Riding about on a bike's better than walking everywhere.

ricky: Yeah but not uphill.

karl: Well...

ricky: No? Don't agree with me. Why do people get off their bike and walk it up a hill?

karl: They don't always, I see people...

ricky: No but why do they, when people are...

karl: Forget it, I'm just saying.

ricky: ...going up a hill on a bike but they get off and push the bike...

karl: Just saying, just saying.

ricky: No why is that?

karl: Doesn't matter.

ricky: D'you think it's cause it's harder? They go, "I'll tell you what, this'd be a lot easier on the bike but I want a bit of a challenge, I'll get off and walk up this hill"...

karl: You can go along then.

ricky: ...you dopey...

karl: Go along then. Clap for her and that. You know what I mean? When someone's doing the London Marathon in a car, you can go and clap them because that's just the same as far as I'm concerned.

karl: It's not hard.

ricky: Play a record.

steve: Imbecile.

ricky: "So Alive", Ryan Adams on Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. For the last time.

karl: Well you might do some other stuff later. Some music stuff...

ricky: Oh, yeah, I mean— yeah. For a little while at least.

steve: Well we won't be around for the foreseeable future. Better things to do, bigger fish to fry.

karl: No, but you've got your music show that you'll do [mumbling] which will be good.

ricky: [mumbling] Yeah, well...

steve: [mumbling] Well...

karl: [mumbling] Alright?

steve: [mumbling] That's at the other radio station, presumably it's more interesting.

ricky: I think we've just got enough energy left for the last 35 minutes.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: We've given 'em a lot, Steve.

steve: We've given 'em a lot.

ricky: We've come in here, week in week out, every Saturday, never late.

steve: We've always given them, you know, 30%. Really important— gwahhh 30% of our energy!

ricky: Yeah, yeah. How did that start, people going "you've gotta give 110%"?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: My heart sinks— I go ohhhh, yeooohhhhh... 110%. They say "you've got to give 110%" I say "I can't, I'll give— I tell you what

ricky: Probably won't even give a hundred, cause you never know, but I'll give as close to a hundred as I can stand.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: And that's all I'm— imagine saying that to a drill sergeant.

steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ricky: "I tell you what, I'm gonna give nearly a hundred."

ricky: "And that's, you know, that's more than most I think you'll find."

steve: Maybe if you appear on "Celebrity Fat Club".

ricky: Well, I don't think I need to, do I?

steve: Well...

ricky: Karl, do you think I need to go on that?

karl: Mmm... when you had your nipple out...

ricky: It was a bit— it was pointing downwards, was it?

karl: Little bit.

steve: Can I just...

ricky: Even though it was erect it was pointing toward my knees.

steve: Can I just point out that we've had

steve: More requests for Karl to kiss your nipple than we have answers to Rockbusters.

karl: Ain't gonna happen.

steve: Oh, it's the last show Karl...

ricky: Come on.

steve: ...you've gotta give the punters what they want.

ricky: In the webcam, and just a little peck...

karl: No way.

ricky: A little peck on the nip. A little peck.

steve: Karl that is just out of order. The show must go on, you've got to give people what they want.

karl: I'm not doing it.

steve: Why?!

ricky: Why not, why not?

steve: What's wrong with it?!

ricky: Lips on nipple, what's up with lips on nipple?

karl: You hear about stuff like this. And then like, I might enjoy it and then next thing it's like "Suzanne, can you leave, cause...", d'you know what I mean, "I like fellas".

karl: It's how it happens, innit.

ricky: That's like an episode of "Kilroy". Oh, God. Oh, imagine...

steve: I'll tell you this...

ricky: "Pilkington"— are you thinking what I'm—

steve: I'm thinking exactly the same as you're thinking. I was reading the paper today, the show's been axed...

ricky: It's axed!

steve: ...but! They're keeping the show on at the same time, it's going to have a different name, different host. Hello!

ricky: "Pilkington"!

steve: Come on.

ricky: "Hello, welcome to Pilkington". Oh Karl, would— if we give you a subject will you just run through what you might say about it, or what questions you'd ask.

karl: Well what sort of stuff?

ricky: OK, stuff like—

ricky: Steve's 15, "I'm 15 and my dad wants to have a sex change". So I'll play the dad, right. OK, I'm Geoff. I'm Geoff from Luton, I'm a 54-year-old plumber and I've decided— this is my son...

steve: Paul

ricky: Paul, you sure you want to be Paul?

steve: Yeah I'd quite like to be Paul.

ricky: OK, so ask me some questions.

karl: So, what, what's— what's going on?

ricky: Well, I'm just not happy with this body.

ricky: I've always felt that I was a woman trapped in a man's body.

steve: Have you?

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: And I just feel I'd be happier as a woman and, you know, it's for him to accept it really because I'd have accepted anything he wanted to do. And it doesn't change anything...

steve: Well I'm not a tranny.

ricky: No I know, but I mean it won't change anything. You know, I still love you and I'll still be your father.

steve: I can't believe I agreed to come on national TV. I'm going to get some people mad at me at school.

ricky: Really?

steve: Man alive!

ricky: Well, you know, you gotta go through lots of stuff. But I mean,

ricky: Don't think of me any different.

steve: What does mum think of all this?

ricky: Well mum doesn't— she doesn't want it, really. But I'm not going to throw away the knob and bollocks, I wanna keep that for her in case she ever wants to use that, but I just don't want 'em attached to me. I'm gonna have them off, I'm gonna have a lovely pair of tits put on and a nice little minge down there. But— I'm not bent. I still fancy my wife and that and, you know...

karl: OK, well thanks for coming in today.

ricky: Brilliant!

steve: That's your audition for Pilkington?!

karl: Well, what can I say? I'm not a doctor, right...

ricky: But what would you... come on answer the question!

steve: I'm upset with my dad because he wants to become a woman.

ricky: But saying stuff like "Well yeah but I mean you've had had son and he's going though and awful.. sh... should you think of him shouldn't you put his feelings..."

karl: Should you think of your son before you're doing that?

ricky: Yeah but if I'm not happy with who I am, how can I live a lie? I'd go through my whole life living a lie, just because he might go through a little bit of embarrassment.

ricky: You know, he's old enough to realize now that, you know, I love him and I just, I just need to, I just I just need to have some tits and a minge on me.

karl: Well, thanks for coming in.

ricky: OH! Christ all mighty!

karl: W-w-what...


karl: Still Rockbusters answers!

ricky: Oh! Rubbish!

karl: I don't want the gig anyway!

steve: Like they were seriously considering him!

ricky: "Thanks for coming in" - Brilliant!

karl: Did I tell you my dad's always been hassled to go on that?

ricky: Why?!

karl: He's always been hassled to go on...

steve: Is he a woman trapped in a man's body?

ricky: No they want to talk about you! "So disappointing". Go on.

karl: So anyway, Rockbusters right. Errr. Right. First clue was "Jamaican fella wrote a review for Phoenix Nights".

ricky: Yeah,

karl: Right that was a cryptic clue the initials were D.C. What is it?

ricky: Go on, no you tell me!

karl: It's "De-fine Comedy". Alright?

steve: "De-fine Comedy"?

karl: "It's a da-vine comedy" alright?

ricky: Fffff! What is that?!

steve: That's the Jamaican accent.

ricky: Do the accent again. Do the accent again!

karl: It's just "Divine Comedy".

ricky: [inaudible]... no go on do the accent again!

karl: No I'm not doing it again you've got the answer, it doesn't matter lets move on. Second one - "We should all vote for Paul Daniels, David Blaine, Copperfield, The Great Soprendo, Tommy Cooper and Derren Brown. Why is that?" E.S. were the initials. Elec-trick-six, right.

ricky: What?

karl: Elec-trick-six. It works, so don't say it like that.


ricky: I don't know what it means.

karl: Right well there's six people there who do tricks and that. And I'm saying we should vote for them so you elect them.

ricky: Yeah but you said "Elec".

karl: Yeah "Elec...trick six"

ricky: No "elec" though - elec's not a word is it?

karl: And the last one...

ricky: I don't think "elec" is a word... "elec".

karl: Steve...

ricky: You don't mean Alec do you? It's not Alec Park?

karl: Third one, Steve - what did your dad do?

steve: I don't know...

karl: That was E - could work for anyone, it didn't have to be Steve. Right. That was "Erasure", right, "Eurasia".

ricky: "He-Raise-Yer" no doesn't work either. Doesn't work either.

karl: It does work.

ricky: No it doesn't work! Doesn't work.

karl: Who's the winner?

ricky: None of them work. None of them work. Another pile of crap.

ricky: From the mind of little stupid... dopey little fff... Oh.

steve: I'm going to give the prizes to Martin Williams from Fincher. I don't know where Fincher is. He says he'll promise to listen to the lord of the rings and by listen he means sell them on eBay.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So er... thanks for coming in.

ricky: Stupid... the end of Rockbusters. From the stupid little shitty brain - I'm going to say it - of Pilkington

ricky: Possibly my favourite song of all time, After the Gold Rush by Neil Young, and that's for, um, Karl's look-alike Boyd, um, who's uh actually on Justin Lee Collins' show after us, at about five.

karl: He's not really a look-alike.

ricky: Ay, oy, oh, he is, yeah.

karl: He's got a bald head.

karl: Do I look like Gandhi?

ricky: When he's in a toga he does. A little bit.

steve: I don't think Gandhi wore a toga.

ricky: No, so what are you what are you, uh?

karl: What did he do?

steve: Oh dear.

ricky: What d'you mean what did he-

steve: He just sat around to be honest, Karl.

ricky: Didn't wanna get involved.

steve: Didn't do much

ricky: Just said "Let's not, don't have a go, just be careful"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Don't go mental, don't start fightiiing, let's all calm down a little bit." He's the one in the pub that goes "Okay, stop this, stop muckin' around"

steve: Um, we were educating Ricky earlier, Karl, I wonder if we should resume that,

steve: As the clock is ticking away.

karl: All right, uh, you've got two bits of info that you could be, uh, leaving the building with today, right? You've got: Werther's a will there's a way.

ricky: Yeah, I'll have that one.

karl: Ummm, they've brought out this drug orr, uhh, sort of tablet or summat.

ricky: Yeah you looked then, yeah go on.

steve: Carefully researched.

ricky: Yeah brilliant.

karl: Umm.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Which means, like, an eighty year old woman can have a kid, what do you think of that?

ricky: No it doesn't.

steve: What are you talking about?

karl: No it does. You can inject a woman with something, eighty-year-old, and it means you know, she's, she's got more time on her hands now, and that. It's better to have a kid. She can have a kid later on in life.

ricky: I just reali- Werther's. Werther's a will.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Very good. Very good.

steve: Right, well, let's just move on from that, cause it's clearly drivel.

karl: No it's not!

ricky: I think it's a bad idea, of course it's a bad idea.

karl: Right then.

ricky: If it- even if it I-I'll give you- I'll even give you that it's t-true.

ricky: And impossible, and might even

karl: Nah it is, it is true and possible.

ricky: Okay.

karl: It's been hanging- it's not even recent, It's like a few, few weeks old.

ricky: Yeah. Okay. Well, it's terrible, no you shouldn't do it, yeah.

steve: All right. What's the final Educating Ricky? So far, I'm not impressed.

ricky: Get her a cat.

karl: Yeah but-

ricky: Get her a little Pekingese.

karl: They're meant to-

ricky: Don't get, her- Don't let her have a, a child.

karl: Yeah but, it's meant to get you thinking. Like, like you're saying, "Well, she shouldn't have a kid, or"-

ricky: By the time it's five, she'll try and pick it up and her arms will break.

karl: Who's arms?

steve: Moving on, what's the next one?

karl: Would she be able to breastfeed?

ricky: Yeah. Yeah, and she be able to do it standing up while he was on the floor.

steve: Talking of nipples.

ricky: He, come on!

steve: There's a lovely juicy pair over there.

ricky: Okay, I think as it's the last show, people should actually phone in and speak to Karl and try and convince him.

karl: Oh, forget that.

ricky: Yeah. What's the number, Steve?

steve: Oh, I don't know.

karl: Oh forget that, we haven't got time.

ricky: Yeah, ye- he-he hates answering it, we'll put, we'll do it during the record.

karl: Leave it. Leave it, leave it.

ricky: Phone in if you want to speak to Karl, if you know the number, call in, try and convince Karl to kiss little nipple.

karl: Don't want to.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Right, what we doing, are we uhh.

steve: What's the last Educating Ricky, come on.

karl: Uhhhm...

karl: Hook, line and good thinkers?

steve: Brilliant, okay.

ricky: Yeah, sound's good, go on what is it?

karl: Umm,

karl: They've uh, they've found a lot of fish with two heads.

karl: What d'you think of that?

ricky: Well,

ricky: Dunno. Wha- what d'you mean they've found a lot of fish with two heads, who has?

karl: They've been messing about, basically, these scientists...

ricky: No.

karl: ...and stuff, and they've said: "Look at this we can do"

ricky: N-

karl: And they're making loads of fish, with two heads.

karl: -They're actually, they can do it now and they're saying "That's good, innit?". Do you know what I mean?

ricky: Alright, play a record then.

karl: Yeah, but what do you think?

steve: I think if they can do that to fish, they should try and do it to you and then it at least you'd have two brains to work with.

ricky: Yeah

steve: And we won't-

ricky: Arguing- I'd love you arguing with yourself. And you end up just, you're walking down the street where you're just headbutting each other. Just cracking- cracking heads in the middle.

steve: Imagine the squeezing-fun you'd have, Rick.

ricky: I wouldn't know what to do, I'd bang them together. It would be like one of those Ker-Knackers you used to have in the playground, on the string.

steve: Yeah

ricky: I'd just whack them together. I hit you over on the window, didn't I? To see what the noise meant, today, didn't I?

karl: (mumbling) Yeah

ricky: What-

karl: Just- if I had two heads, right?..

karl: Would I be able to sort of, do shifts? Do you know what I mean? Say- say if- say if this is the start of something, they're trying it out with fish and that, with two heads...

ricky: You'd be two different people. You- you can't think like you're one. It doesn't make sense that- (muttering) if you have two heads, you'd have two brains. You'd have, you know.

karl: Yeah. Well, that's all right but say if we did the same job. Well, we'd- we'd be doing the same job.

ricky: Yeah, you could.

karl: So you could say "Right, you work through the night..."

ricky: But you'd- but you'd both, you'd take it in turns to do your job badly and moan about it. Yes, it'd me fine.

steve: He's giving it some serious thought.

ricky: I know, yeah and so is his other head.

steve: Yeah

karl: But also, they're saying there's like a fish shortage-

ricky: Right.

karl: -And I was wondering whether they do in like- they try and make that better, do you know what I mean? So they'd do like a-

ricky: Yeah, it would. As (stutters) the head is the bit you through away, it'd be perfect.

karl: No, but when they do a head count, like they do. That's what they do, they do like a-

ricky: They- they- what they count fish. They get a fish and go "Okay, just in a line. One. Two." I think you'll find we're one, Sir. "Don't answer back!"

steve: Rick, uhm. I should just point out that I feel-

ricky: "Don't answer back!"

steve: C'mon, I think Karl has offered nothing now. I think those Educating Ricky's were appalling.

ricky: They were rubbish!

steve: And the only thing, Rick. The only thing that would redeem the show is if he kissed your nipples.

ricky: (high pitched mumbling) Kiss the nipples! Phone in if you want to speak to Karl. You know the number. Call in and try persuade Karl while this record is on.

karl: (talking over each other) It's not. It's not happening.

ricky: Well, answer the phone. Answer the phone.

karl: (muttering) No, no.

ricky: Phones are still going mad. Answer one, just put someone there- Kings of Leon. California Waiting. He was rude- he's so rude to people. They phone up and they say "Aw, kiss his nipple" and he;s going "Yeah, alright" and he hangs up on them. Answer the phone!

karl: What am I meant to say to someone?

ricky: Put them on air. Answer the phone and be nice to whoever it is. Be nice to them at least!

karl: We shouldn't- we shouldn't- we shouldn't be putting people on the air.

ricky: (to caller) Hello?

caller: Karl.

ricky: Yeah, speak to Karl.

karl: Alright?

caller: Why- why don't you speak about that human monkey that was on the other day?

karl: Oh, old news man. How long have you been listening?

steve: Can we forget the monkeys? What do you think of his nipples?

caller: Alright then, just kiss- kiss his nipple then for 500 quid.

karl: I'm not going to kiss his nipple.

caller: I'd do it for 500 quid, easy.

karl: Would you?

caller: Yeah

karl: But why- what- what- why do you want me to do it anyway. What are you getting out of that?

caller: Oh, c'mon mate. 500 quid, it's worth it.

karl: Yeah but (moans)

caller: He's got the money. You could probably get more out of him, if you want.

karl: It's not about the money, really.

ricky: Think- think of Suzanne. Suzanne, you come home. 500 quid and you go "There you go. Just, I kissed his nipple. 250 quid each."

karl: She gives me more.

caller: That's mad.

karl: (muttering) It's not happening, alright? It's not happening.

ricky: Did you just- did you just cut him off then?

karl: Well, there's another fella there.

ricky: Who's that? Who's that?

caller linda: Hello, my name's Linda.

karl: Right. Alright, Linda. You alright?

caller linda: Yeah

steve: What would make your day, Linda?

caller linda: Uhm, if Karl actually gave it a lick. Not just a kiss.

karl: Forget it.

steve: The Cure on Xfm 104.9, Pictures of You and it's Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington hosting the final show. Exciting.

ricky: Which means the last film quiz. Karl puts himself in a film.

karl: Claire's on next week, by the way and then--

ricky: Claire Sturgess, then Adam and Joe, brilliant.

karl: Adam and Joe coming back.

ricky: Excellent.

steve: They're excellent.

ricky: Matt Lucas said he'd do a show. Give him a call and maybe him and Dave Walliams.

karl: Alright, might do that.

ricky: What do you think of that?

karl: Might do that.

ricky: Yeah, that'd be good, wouldn't it?

karl: Right, yeah. The film thing. This is when we get like, a film and I'm in it. Right? So I'm doing, we talked a bit about you know, a bit about gay fellows and that today.

ricky: Yep.

karl: So we're doing When Harry Met Barry. All right? And listen to this and then there'll be a question at the end and you can win some more stuff. We've got DVDs--

ricky: Some more shite.

karl: Some more good CDs and DVDs and that.

steve: All right, let's hear it.

karl: So When Harry Met Barry, all right.

harry: Got 18 hours to kill before we get to New York.

karl: I know, yeah. Brought a few books, just to kill a bit of time on the journey.

harry: When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first. That way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends.

karl: I read a book like that once. Not on purpose though, it was just that all the chapters had been put in the wrong order, so it was a bit annoying. Got to chapter one before I realised.

harry: Are you finished now?

karl: Yeah, I bought another copy of it and read it in Lanzarote, it was all right. Good read. Listen, we're only staying in New York for a couple of days, aren't we? 'Cause the place does my head in a bit.

harry: Oh really?

karl: Yeah, it just stinks, doesn't it? It's a really dirty city. It's noisy.

karl: It's funny, the people who live there call it the city that never sleeps. I'm not surprised with all the noise.

harry: I couldn't agree more.

karl: Listen, I know you're gay and that, right? What, what is the attraction with New York for you lot? What...

karl: 'Cause it is like, the gay capital, isn't it? They all love it. Even that Rod Stewart song, you know, that Killing of Georgie, that was set in New York, wasn't it?

harry: Yes, it was!

karl: Yeah, well that song was about a gay fellow, wasn't it? Who moved to New York and ended up getting beaten up. Not a great advert for the place. You keep going there. Actually, I know why you like it, it's because it's the city that never sleeps, isn't it? You lot like going out late, sort of running your life to a different timetable to everyone else.

harry: Are you finished now?

karl: I'm not being funny, I'm just saying. I just don't think you should live your life like that, that's all.

harry: Why not?

karl: Don't start getting angry, I'm just--

harry: Well, I think I'm entitled to throw a little anger your way. Especially when I'm being told how to live my life!

karl: Yeah, yeah, you're right. It is your life and that's what I'm saying, don't be dragging me into it.

harry: What!

karl: Well you know I'm not gay, so why did you buy me a butt plug for my birthday? I'm not gonna use it.

harry: What do you want me to do about it? I take it back, okay? I take it back.

karl: Right.

billy crystal: Wanna spend a night in a motel?

karl: No.

billy crystal: Why not?

karl: Cause you're gay and I'm straight, that's why.

billy crystal: Why aren't you seeing anyone?!

karl: Well y— I'm seeing Suzanne again. We only split up for a few weeks when she had that funny haircut that made her look like Dave Hill out of Slade...

karl: ...it's grown again now.

billy crystal: She looked weird, didn't she?

karl: Well, but forget that. Anyway, don't want to share a bed with you again. Not after last time.

billy crystal: Oh, jeez. What are we supposed to do?

karl: This isn't normal, mate. Pull over...

billy crystal: Alright, alright.

karl: ...forget it, no pull over.

billy crystal: Don't you—

karl: I don't want to talk about it. Pull over, just pull over.

billy crystal: I was a— come on.

karl: Just pull over here, there's nothing— get a B&B. And by that I mean bed and breakfast...

karl: ...not bum and bollocks as

karl: You called it, right.

billy crystal: Let's get one thing straight.

karl: I'm not interested! See ya!

ricky: Oh, dear.

steve: Excellent.

ricky: Oh, little Karl Pilkington.

steve: "When Harry Met Barry", it's a classic film.

ricky: What's the—

karl: What song was I talking about that, you know...

ricky: Yeah, we know. What song were you t—

karl: ...about New York and stuff.

ricky: Yeah, what song. Yeah, OK, brilliant.

karl: Artist will do or the song title, whatever.

ricky: Yep, OK.

steve: Email only, ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk. We can squeeze in a tune and then I hope...

ricky: Oh, Monkey News!

steve: The final Monkey News.

karl: Ohhh...

ricky: What tune have we got? How long is it?

karl: Three minutes, it's a nice one though.

ricky: Brilliant, brilliant.

karl: Bit of Aimee Mann?

ricky: Fantastic.

ricky: "Red Vines", Aimee Mann. Well we've been playing some of our favourite tunes and after Monkey News, Justin Lee Collins. We're going to leave you with one of our mutual favorite tracks of all time.

steve: We won't say what it is yet.

ricky: We won't sure what it is — it's a little surprise. Then Justin Lee Collins is in with little Boyd Hilton, Karl's twin brother.

steve: The answer to Karl's quiz question — Karl, what was the question?

karl: It was what was the song that I was talking about in that...

ricky: "Harry Met Barry".

karl: Yep.

steve: With Billy Crystal. "The Killing of Georgie".

karl: Yep, Rod Stewart.

steve: Steven Farran from Essex wins another...

karl: DVDs and stuff.

steve: Bag of tat.

karl: Alright?

steve: Well, this is the final one, play the jingle.

ricky: Ohh, chimpanzee that! Monkey News ya ffffff—

karl: Right. Well, this Monkey News story, right, it's about this fella, couple of fellas in Texas.

steve: Yep.

karl: Sort of running a farm.

ricky: Yep.

karl: Right?

ricky: Just— they're definitely fellas were they? How tall were they?

karl: Yeah, no no no.

steve: Can we just let him tell the story.

karl: They—

ricky: OK, they are human beings, these two are human beings?

steve: ...time's against us here.

karl: They're running this farm an' that. Anyway, so they're outside getting the cattle and he turns round, right.

ricky: Says "that cow's..."

karl: Couple of monkeys walking about. So he goes "what's going on?", right? So anyway, so it's in Texas, they don't know what to do with the monkeys. There isn't a zoo, it's fairly barren there, innit? D'you know what I mean, not much going about.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: So the other fella who runs the farm with him

karl: Said "look, we need a bit of a hand"...

ricky: [whispering] Oh, f...

karl: Right?

ricky: ...Jesus Christ.

karl: So, said "let's teach 'em some stuff". And the monkeys were happy with that because they were lost anyway, right, so they had...

ricky: They had nothing to do. They were bumming around, they were looking for work.

steve: They'd hired a motor home, they'd gone out of their way.

ricky: Yeah. Maybe it's like the Hulk, they were like Bruce Banner wandering around going "I need some work". "You won't get angry will ya?" "No".

karl: So anyway they taught these monkeys how to ride a horse, right? So they've both got...

ricky: Sorry, you sure Charlton Heston's not gonna pop up?

karl: They both...

ricky: You sure you weren't watching a video last night and thought it was a documentary?

karl: Got a horse each right? They've been given like a little lasso and all that-

ricky: Oh, don't talk shit Karl.

steve: (inaudible) Right.

karl: So anyway it's going well, it carried on for about two years, this, right?

ricky: 'Course it did.

karl: It's like, you know, rounding up the cattle every night, and all that.

steve: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah yeah.

karl: So um... the two fellas are chattin', goin', "this works out well, doesn't it, and that."

ricky: Right, if there's a hostile takeover and they sort of like buy up 51% of the shares or summat-

karl: So they said, for this to continue, the monkeys are gettin' old a bit now, we need a, we need a little woman monkey in 'ere to sort of get some kids going, for like, future farm people, right?

steve: Forward planning, yeah.

karl: So they get a little woman monkey-

ricky: They've decided to only- to hire monkeys from now on.

karl: Why not? Why not? It's working - why mess with something when it's not broke? Right, so they get, they get the little woman monkey in, uh, they have kids and all that business, right?

steve: Mm.

karl: But the problem was, right, when they first got the woman monkey in, it was like well, which one's going to have the woman, right?

steve: Right.

karl: So, they started sort of fightin' a bit and what have you. Yeah, because it's seen the owners of the farm, like, havin' guns and stuff.

ricky: Don't lie. Don't tell me the baby monkeys didn't want to go into the family business, one went off to be a lawyer.

karl: They had a bit of a shoot-off.

ricky: Shut. Up!

karl: They got two monkeys, right, and-

ricky: Don't. Ahhhhh for-- Shhhhh--

karl: Because they'd seen the owners, they'd seen the owners with guns and what have you-

ricky: Don't-- no!

steve: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah. No, no no that's how (inaudible)

karl: They had a bit of a shoot-off.

steve: Yeah.

karl: That's how, that's how they sorted it out.

steve: And who won?

karl: I think it was George, the one called George.

steve: Right.

karl: So there- that- I think they had 17 kids, the farm's still running. So that's- that's like the the last little monkey news now, a good little happy ending to that one.

steve: Rick, would it count if you were to rub your nipple against his lips while I held him down?

karl: Right, come off it now. Come on. No, I'm not doing this.

steve: Bruce Springsteen, "Thunder Road," last track on XFM with Ricky and Steve.

karl: Get off!

steve: You can check it all out on the webcam.

karl: (protesting wordlessly)

ricky: I've sort of got (inaudible)

steve: Get his arm out the way, get his arm out the way!

karl: This happened on Scum.

ricky: (cackling)

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