XFM Vault - S04E02 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Coldplay. Speed of sound. Steve, I know you eh, like an insight to my um, musical taste and all that

steve: Always

ricky: But, that's my favourite Coldplay track of all time, I just thought I'd eh, just throw that in

steve: Not a fan of clocks?

ricky: Uhh, no I think I've uh, overplayed parachutes a little bit an- but that's my favourite one, like it.

steve: I'm afraid to say I'm a bit of a philistine when it comes to Coldplay, that sounds the same as all the other ones. I'm sorry to say

ricky: Oh.. You'll have to meet these boys one day

steve: Yeah well, well I'll tell them to their face, I don't care. Little bit rock 'n roll.

steve: I don't care

ricky: Well, I'm Ricky Gervais, that little uh, funny little worzel type voice over there is Stephen Merchant. And with us our, producer, Karl Pilkington. All right?

karl: All right

steve: Whatever we say producer, of course, that is in inverted commas.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Done with the fingers.

ricky: Well ye- he didn't have it, I wanted to play something off my iPod today to record it 'cause they didn't have it here, um, it's a great track called Antony and the Johnsons. He didn't even have the lead. He went alrigh-

steve: Right

ricky: Typical. And he, and he went is it any good? I went yeah it's really good, and he went why haven't we got it here already then? Oh! Oh that's th- yeah, that's the paradigm is it? If XFM haven't got it, it's no good. 4 Non Blondes doing well is it, that still in the cupboard, is it? Unbelievable. We're a little bit annoyed today aren't we actually

steve: I'm really annoyed

ricky: Yeah. All that stuff we did last week. Um, th- that lindauer sent us some sparkling wine, and we thought right, we're, well you, shamelessly plugged it

steve: Yeah.

ricky: How many times did you mention it? About 20 times?

steve: I must have mentioned it about 20 times.

ricky: We're, we're, the finale was hitting Karl on the head with a cork. That's on my website by the way.

steve: Okay

ricky: Rickygervais.com, go there and see Karl being hit in the head with a cork.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Right, and we and we said let's send us free stuff and we'd talk about it.

steve: Nothing. The, the, the, the cupboard is empty

ricky: I mean literally nothing

steve: The cupboard is bare.

ricky: No one has thought, I tell you what, there's t-, there's, there's those guys from, the office.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Uh- eh- I- I mean..

steve: I mean let's be honest, Rick. We are taste makers.

ricky: Yeah

steve: We are opinion formers, you and I

ricky: Yeah, yeah

steve: And you know, you'd have thought if anyone was going to send us some free stuff.

ricky: Yeah, I, I, I'll mention them all.

steve: You know? It makes me fume

ricky: Yeah

steve: And you know what it is? It's because people, PR people and that they've realised, no one's listening.

ricky: But not only are we going against all our principles and losing our dignity just for some free stuff

steve: And integrity

ricky: And integrity yeeeeaah-

ricky: We're going against XFM policy because, we are, obvi- obviously they would have got, thousands of pounds for lindauer to be mentioned last week

steve: Oh come on, Rick

ricky: 20 time- no well no..

steve: It's XFM, Rick

ricky: 40 quid for.. 40 quid for a nine minute advert.

steve: Ex- exactly

ricky: So advertise your, to- quality stuff

steve: Yeah

ricky: Jeff's Garage. Cheaper than some other garages. Uhh, it would- it do with, uhh, anyon- uh, uh, actually..

steve: Didn't we play an advert once for a tattoo parlour?

ricky: Ye- Yes!

steve: Do you remember that? I'm sure we played an advert for a tattoo parlour

ricky: Yeah

steve: I mean co- what tattoo parlour can afford to advertise on a radio station? Unless it's a tinpot one like this

ricky: Oh God! I've got good, some good music today though, Steve

steve: Oh really, I hope so, I'll be the judge of that, go on, but go on

ricky: We- wha- we- AC/DC?

steve: Ohhh!

ricky: Have you got a bit of ah, bare skin, you need ah, colouring in? Come along to, ah.. Ron's bike shop and tattoo parlour. He'll write "mum", on your hand and give your Harley a tune up, while you wait. I can't believe no one wants to advertise with us.

steve: And that only costs, what, 20 quid?

ricky: Yeah

steve: And they play that-

ricky: I mean, I turned down millions of pounds to do adverts, because I think it's beneath me, I don- and I thought last week I'll give a little bit back. I'll give. I'll excite all these people

ricky: - who want to get a little bit...

steve: Nothing.

ricky: All I'm thinking is Steve, either, our cache has gone down, no one wants us any more -

steve: Mmhmm

ricky: Which is impossible, surely.

steve: I would have thought so.

ricky: Or, we're on a tin pot station that no one listens to, now...

steve: Ding! Correct answer.

ricky: Unbelievable. I'm having to hold on the pop-shield of this mic because it keeps falling off.

steve: It's embarrassing.

ricky: It's awful. I mean, oh god. Well Karl, what are your thoughts? Why have you stuck it out here?

karl: Uhh...

steve: Nothing better coming, I'd have thought.

ricky: Well I'll tell you why, 'cause your always on holiday, you don't do a lot, you get paid, you know, well, doesn't he really? He's a moaning - I mean, he doesn't try and get on at all, he doesn't deal with people, he moans about everything, and, you know, so he's -

karl: I'm all right, I've got me own little room and that.

steve: Yeah

ricky: Like a cage, it is like a cage, isn't it? and you can shut the door, shut the door. If people - "I said, shut the door" He doesn't want them looking in, he's like a, he's like a miserable old chimp. We noticed today how much he's simian, isn't he?

steve: He's very strange, actually, maybe we should try and get a picture on the website, because Karl's arms are particularly chimp-like, its very very strange.

ricky: They really are, because he's got that sort of, he's got long downy hair.

steve: And the long extended knuckles.

ricky: Yeah, yeah, and his totally round face, that sort of, the chin goes back and the dome of his cranium. I think, quite seriously; I know we sort of share about 98.5% of our genetic material with bonobos and chimpanzees, but I think he's got a little bit more.

steve: Yeah

ricky: I honestly think he's a little bit of a throwback, just his line, they just kept to this sort of really, the ugliest one in the cave.

steve: Yeah

ricky: - and the tree, and he really didn't, he didn't come out of it. I'm not saying you are, you know, I don't think you, well you are, you're chip like.

karl: No, it does, it does annoy me, me hair annoys me, on me body an' that, because I've got, I've got like hair on me, on my little toes and that.

ricky: Have ya?

karl: And on the legs-

ricky: Would you, your little toes, can you pick things up with them?

karl: I've never tried.

ricky: Okay

steve: Well, that's, that's, that's the finale of this week's show. We're gonna see if he can play a record and put the fader up -

ricky: From a tyre, while swinging on a tyre.

steve: Yeah, just using his toe - his hairy toes.

ricky: Yeah, unbelievable.

karl: I sort of got hair all the way, but then it just runs out where it should be.

steve: On the top of your head.

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: Is this part of the reason why you're always uncomfortable about, you know, being nude or around naked people?

karl: Uhhh..

steve: Is that part of the reason do you think, 'cause you look so grotesque?

karl: Well, when I'm on holiday I don't really like wondering about without a top on unless, like, it's a quiet beach or whatever.

steve: : Sure, so what would you normally wear?

karl: There's no need. Just like a nice sort of light, summery, sort of linen shirt maybe, just a few top buttons open, but I don't, yeah, I don't like, the naked body isn't that nice anyways is it? Know what I mean? Whatever it is, if you're a cat and you're shaved, you don't look that nice. Know what I mean? But with the hair on it -

ricky: I think you'll find the cat is naked even with its fur on, cats don't wear clothes.

karl: No, but what I mean is, a bald cat isn't that good.

ricky: No

karl: You know, you know, it does me head in that I'm bald. I'm not you know, if I could have hair it would be nice, but that's life, innit?

steve: Would you prefer animals to wear clothes like Mickey Mouse does, or Goofy?

karl: You know that I don't like nudists and all that, we've done it.

ricky: But don't you think sometimes, you could sort of like, maybe, um, I don't know, fancify a little bit? Like um, if there was such a thing as an ape salon, and there isn't Karl, there isn't, right, would you, you know, give a orangutan a trim, maybe sort out his hair, 'cause some of those look like they're going bald, but they've got a comb over haven't they?

karl: They should just have a shave -

karl: When it’s like that, that’s what I did, take it back.

ricky: And the underarms as well. Yeah, they really got a lot of underarm hair. Even the women one's-

steve: Really? That’s disgusting.

ricky: I know, I don't know-I don't even know why they breed. I don't how they get laid- Some of those horrible, old, hairy, ginger, orangutans.

steve: Yeah, they are particularly grim, some of those.

ricky: I know, yeah.

steve: The big ones-

karl: Ginger ones. Yeah. They can't be a happy, can they?

karl: What is that, why’s, why is, where did that-happen? The the ginger thing? Why do people give them, like, a hard time an’ that?

steve: Well you just gave them a hard time then, so why did you do it?—

karl: Well people do give-I don't understand why, but Ginger people get quite a bit of stick, and I've never understood it.

ricky: No, It’s just, I don’t know why.

karl: I mean, they do, don’t they?

ricky: I don't know, it might be historical. It might have been because, I don’t- I’m sure it’s not everywhere in the world. I'm sure it's probably -

karl: No, they have, They’re always, I’ve said to you about, like-

karl: Ginger cats are always fat because they’re sort of sick of it, probably.

ricky: Play a record, Karl

steve: Wait wait wait, what do you mean, ginger cats- what do you mean they’re sick of it?

karl: Well, when you see a ginger cat-

steve: They've been eating like because they're upset, they’re being bullied-whatever?

karl: Yeah, because they’re fed up and that, you never see a thin, happy Ginger Cat running about, it's always overweight, looking a bit fed up. It's just a good point, innit?

steve: I wouldn’t say it’s a good point, Karl, it’s a point-

ricky: So last week, the Chinese don't age well, now, anything Ginger, including cats, are sick of it.

karl: No, but I, I'm just saying I don’t

steve: Are you ginger? Would you like to take issue with any of Karl’s points? 83Xfm is the text, you can text us, Maybe you’ve got- maybe you've seen a thin ginger cat-

karl: I’m not going to go though. That's what I'm saying. I'm just saying it's weird how people give ‘em a hard time, and if, if I could have hair, I'd go for ginger hair rather than being bald.

steve: Really?

karl: Hmmm

steve: Landed from Ben Folds on XFM 104.9 Ricky Gervais, Steven Merchant, Karl Pilkington

ricky: Had a fax, never mind champagne- and freebies like that, forget that. We're not doing that anymore. It didn't work. Okay, but, we are still in demand. Got a fax here. All right, “So guys, I produce a program for the BAS Scientists, right, wintering in Antartica”. Now, what this bloke is saying is, there are scientists-right- researching in Antarctica and they’ll soon, they’re already locked away and sort of like, out of touch cause they can't get to them.

ricky: But they’re soon going to be living in 24-hour darkness, because through the midsummer here, it's - it's darkness for 24 hours for like, three months,

steve: Jeeze

ricky: And they’re totally cut off, and he’s trying to get some stuff together, and he wants us to record a message, and it says, every year they choose a celebrity to do something, a message of their choice, They had, Rolf Harris, David Attenborough and Jonathan Ross. “This year, Ricky is the popular choice.”

steve: Mh-hmm...

ricky: So, I'm up there with Rolf Harris, David Attenborough and Jonathan Ross.

ricky: In-in terms of the vote amongst some scientists stuck in a hut in Antarctica for three months, so...

steve: I think they've just-they've just got cabin fever. They've got-

ricky: So that's another po-so that's another poll I've won. British Antarctic scientists in a hut poll.

steve: If I was trapped in a little room with several other men for three months of pitch darkness-

ricky: Ooh, sexist.

steve: Or indeed women.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I can't imagine why I'd ever want a message from Rolf Harris.

ricky: (laughs)

steve: What is wrong-I mean David Attenborough, fascinating.

ricky: Well I assume

ricky: It's the si-it's the-it's the animal. I assume they're researching penguins or something aren't they? If they're stuck out there. Or maybe-

steve: But what's that got to do with Rolf?

ricky: -seismic activity or maybe polar uh uh shift, I don't know.

steve: Possibly if you were researching kangaroos...

ricky: Yeah. Well he knows about all animals, doesn't he? You can take him a budgie with a broken wing and he'll sort it out. Or he knows a man who does.

steve: Sure.

ricky: He can y'know he'll sort that out for ya. And he'll do a picture of it.

steve: (laughs)

ricky: While you wait. So uh-But anyway, I thought 'they want a fight minute message'. We can do

ricky: Better than that. Let's dedicate the whole show to them, Steve.

steve: We're gonna do what?

ricky: Dedicate the whole show to them. What was it, trouble with my diction?

steve: A little bit. I'm just thinking again y'know we've gotta slow down cos these guys are there, they're working, they're busy.

ricky: They're used to uh speaking eloquent English

steve: Yeah exactly. They're used to talking to intelligent, yeah educated people. So Karl should be something of a surprise to them. I imagine they'll just flood back early to come back to study him.

ricky: (laughs) So, this is uh this show is dedicated to all you scien- I know nothing about them. I don't know how many there are. I know

ricky: They just... as I say in a hut somewhere. Presumably with a laptop. Drinking uh hot chocolate out of steel mugs with-

steve: Just looking up porn.

ricky: (laughs) Well they're not on the internet, are they?

steve: Oh are they not?

ricky: Well no there's no phone line.

steve: Well how do they charge up the laptop, when it runs out?

ricky: Well they've probably got generators.

steve: They must have other stuff though. They've got Tele and that, haven't they?

ricky: Of course they haven't.

steve: No for DVDs and things.

ricky: Well they could probably-yeah they could probably have a DVD player that would run off a generator and stuff. So they could play-I don't know what we're giving

ricky: This on CD or something.

karl: Hmm.

ricky: But um..

steve: And what are-what-

ricky: How can that enhance your life though? That you-two months has gone, you've sat there. You're chewing Kendal mint cake and uh just looking around at a white wall thinking that The Thing is going to come in any minute and put you out of your misery.

steve: (laughs) Yeah.

ricky: And you go 'Alright lads it's here', 'what?', 'five minute message from Ricky Gervais'.

steve: (laughs) Yeah.

ricky: "Eh, fella from The Office', 'Oh yeah. Go on'. I mean-

steve: Yeah.

ricky: -so I don't know I can enhance-I mean I get compared to-

steve: One of them's going 'I voted for Ricky Martin! What?'

ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

steve: But I don't understand

steve: Um, what they're researching. Now, you said penguins but that's just a hypothesis.

ricky: Well we're assuming that cos it's Antarctica wh-where... the uh the penguins live.

steve: Is there anything else there? What else is going on?

ricky: There's a lot-

steve: There's presumably climate differences-

ricky: Well yeah cos it's a-

steve: -and atmospheric changes and so on.

ricky: -land mass isn't it? Arctic's just on ice and Ant-is actually a continent. It's a land mass. So there's stuff there. But presumably not in the winter. I imagine it's like ten foot of snow and really not a lot happening.

steve: Sure.

ricky: I don't know what the research and they could be

ricky: It could be, er, astronomy - as I say - it could be some sort of seismic thing, it could be just testing polar melting. It could be, it could be Penguins. I've no idea. I haven't got the information. I don't think they wanted us to go into what they're doing.

steve: I suppose they already know, yeah.

ricky: They probably want to know what's happening in the world for... oh... well, we've got the man here.

steve: That's an interminable five minutes for them. They've already, we've already wasted that five minutes. They're gonna put all excited to hear from you and they just got five minutes discussing what they might be doing.

ricky: Hold on though, what I'm worried about worried about is [inaudible] for these, for these 10 people there, we've just annoyed the 200 listeners we've got. 'Cos they're thinking "what's in this for me?". Well, we'll have fun along the way and what I think we're doing - they've been stuck there, as I say, they're out of touch. They don't know what's happening. So Karl Pilkington is the man, we're gonna have a break, have a song maybe some ad breaks and then Karl is going to let these scientists, who are stuck away in the darkness, know what's been happening for the last couple weeks. Is that alright Karl?

karl: You know I don't really follow the news so...

ricky: Oh play a record!

ricky: Embrace, a glorious day. Well, is it Glorious Day - Steve?

steve: Brilliant.

ricky: Every day's a glorious day, isn't it?

steve: Well is when I'm with you.

ricky: Yeah love the world - so these scientists are stuck away in the Darkness.

ricky: So let's tell them what they've been missing. What's the highlights Karl, of the last - Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington by the way Xfm 104.9 umm, etcetera. What's what have they missed for the last, just do the last few weeks. What have they missed? Remember they haven't got newspapers, they haven't got telly. What-what's the... Look at him, he's looking at me like I just said that in Arabic - what don't you understand? Think what what's happened, think what they haven't got that you know about.

ricky: What have you seen and heard in the last couple of weeks that they couldn't have?

karl: What like on the news and that? What's gone on in the world and that?

steve: Well or just things you've done personally, I think that'll be of less interest.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Pope's dead.

steve: Okay.

ricky: [laughing] I like... imagine that. Imagine if that was the breaking it to them. They're listening in and go "what's happened? Pope's dead?". Well don't say it like that. Break it to us gently Karl.

karl: But I think that's better than how they do it on the news normally though. Isn't it? They make a big deal out of it, and you panic a bit when it says Breaking News and you think "oh, there's a war on" and they go "popes dead" and you go "oh".

steve: So you've just a short shot tactic.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Like ripping a plaster off quickly.

karl: I've just said it softly though, didn't I? Pope's dead.

steve: You know all that coverage of the Pope with like millions of people that have gathered in Rome and stuff. I was thinking about, remember we talked about the Queen Mother, and they were queuing up and queueing up and queueing up to see the pope.

ricky: Yeah. Like four hours to get a glimpse.

steve: And once again I couldn't help but feel if they popped on some kind of like dessert trolley and just wheeled him past everyone else. They could have gone and done it about three-quarters of an hour.

ricky: Yeah

steve: You know, once again people not thinking - they're not expanding their minds.

karl: Tell you what happened to me...

ricky: What like students on rag week with the bed down Oxford street.

steve: Put him on one of those novelty beds, They're all dressed in...

steve: - kind of Cardinals gear.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Just, you know, trundle him off and down ... the yeah.

karl: It's the way they also said they've now got a new pope, he's hardly new is he? Why didn't they learn from the last one?

steve: Sure

karl: Keep taking on old people.

steve: Yeah, yeah

karl: Me dad couldn't even get a gig in B&Q and he's younger.

ricky: Oh God, so who have we offended? I mean the thing is is because soon our offensiveness isn't going to be sort of like we feel a bit guilty about friends- it's going to be like we're going to be living with Salman Rushdie.

steve: Yeah

ricky: I mean, the things that, I mean, that, that's pretty, you know, don't have a go at the pope.

karl: I'm not having a go at him, I mean, it's good that he can carry on working and what have you, but I thought everyone had to retire at like 60, whatever, bloody hell, but you know, whatever, if you can get away with it.

ricky: Yeah, why couldn't your dad get a gig in B&Q? I mean he goes there a lot

steve: (Simultaneous) Cause he's a thieving bastard!

ricky: He goes there a lot.

steve: Thats why! If you are just joining us, joining us for this one-off show because you're trapped in a bunker somewhere in the Antarctic you should know this of Karl's dad. He's a thief, he steals things and we've openly discussed this before, he steals things from other elderly ladies and other elderly people, perhaps -

ricky: He's not like Raffles though, he doesn't go into their house.

steve: He's not a gentleman thief.

ricky: No, whats-it, people put - let's put this in context. You know, he's not, he's not a villain, but sometimes when people leave groceries lying around in a public telephone box -

karl: No, what it was, where they live now, they're retired, right? Moved. Wont say where they are, but somewhere quiet, right, and it's so quiet -

ricky: It's not a witness relocation

steve: - protection scheme.

karl: But, because, because there's only about eight people live in this village it's not worth like, the like corner shop staying open.

steve: There's only eight people living in the village?

karl: It's quiet, it is quiet.

steve: The Village of the Damned

karl: So anyway, so rather than keep the shop open, you're meant to call up and go, "All right, Harry, I need some milk today"

steve: Right

karl: And they stick it in a phone box outside in the shop, and me dad found that out. So when he's been out, just stop off at the phone-box, have a look at what's left lying around.

steve: Yeah, but of the eight, I mean if there's eight people in the village, my attention would be instantly drawn to the dodgy Manc fella.

ricky: Hmm.

steve: I mean, you know what I mean? It seems, in Manchester you probably get away with this, there's a lot of scum up there, but down in this little village, you know, you got Little Miss Marple type and a little, you know country policeman.

karl: He's stopped doing now

steve: Has he?

karl: He's not doing it.

steve: Cleaned up his act.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yep

steve: Good. Alright, so the Pope's dead, any other big news?

karl: Umm, there was that thing I told you about last week. The footlong spider. Eats chicken. Uh...

ricky: What does this mean to them? They're going to think the world has been taken over by them. It's like we're not going back, there's a footlong spider on the loose.

karl: Are these people bright though?

ricky: Well, let's have a look, Antarctic Scientists? Yeah. Yeah, they probably got an O-level or two.

karl: Yeah but they're looking at penguins all day.

ricky: Ye- I?

karl: So how bright do you gotta be?

ricky: What you mean?

karl: Well, what are they doing?

ricky: Well I don't know, do I? But they've been chosen.

ricky: This probably cost millions of pounds to set them up there, they're probably, yeah - Oh, Karl.

steve: This is, I'll tell you, this is like, for scientists, this is like "Big Brother". This is like a Big Brother Challenge.

ricky: Yeah

karl: That's a good idea-

steve: Watching this, finding out what's going to go on, those little challenges that they give them, little tasks.

ricky: It's like Celebrity Love Island without the sun and slappers.

steve: Mmm

karl: I'm trying to think what else, what was going on.

steve: Well while you're thinking I should just tell you now you threw that question out earlier, why are ginger people historically mocked, we've had a couple of responses on the text.

steve: 83 Xfm, again, as ever with xfm listeners, don't believe what they say. Don't trust what they say. But one of them -

ricky: Have we got any respect for anyone in the world?

steve: Umm, get back to you. Pete in Tooting, now again, I think this is nonsense. He claims that the reason ginger people have disliked is because Judas was Ginger, from the Bible. How - I don't know where he's come up with this idea.

ricky: No, I've heard that.

steve: But I mean are there a great many people from, you know, the Middle East who are ginger?

ricky: Well, that's probably why he stood out

steve: Sure

ricky: - and he's, he was probably fed up, and he thought, "I'll get him back". Maybe -

steve: Unless he was wearing, unless he had his hair dyed Ginger when he was on the witness protection scheme.

karl: What did he do?

steve: Which presumably he had to go into after it all came out in the book.

karl: What did he do? What's...

ricky: He stitched up, he stitched him up to the Romans, didn't he, Judas, didn't he do it for 40 piece of silver, I'm not big on the Bible, but apparently -

steve: Incidentally, if you'd like us to a stitch-up any kind of Messiah for 40 pieces of silver, just get in touch at 83XFM.

steve: We're willing to do that for you as well. Um, but that's one explanation, there's another one here, which is again, I don't believe this for a moment, it says here, "ginger people get a lot of stick because in Elizabethan times, people with ginger hair were told that their mother had slept with the devil, and that was why their hair was, their hair was ginger. So there's two options. Maybe if you've got some more you can, any more spurious thoughts, then get in touch 83XFM, but yeah, Karl?

ricky: I don't know, there might be truth in both of those. I mean the truth, the point is, that if either of those are true they were already being picked on, if you know what I mean.

steve: Right

ricky: That's the point.

steve: Mmm

ricky: It's sort of like, maybe that's not the, uh, the total root of it. Well the Judas thing might be the root of it, the first big ginger to do something a little bit off.

karl: So, if he was bald, then all bald people would be like-

steve: Yeah

karl: Getting a hard time and that.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Well, we do mock you behind your back anyway, Karl. That's going on, don't worry.

karl: Alright

ricky: So play a record and think of something that's happened to tell these poor scientists what's going on in the world.

karl: Alright

ricky: All you've come up with so far is the Pope's dead, and there's a big spider. What is that?

karl: It eats chicken.

steve: The Pogues, "Rainy Night in SoHo". I hope there is no rainy night in SoHo tonight, Rick.

ricky: Alright

steve: I'm sure you're one of those who agrees with me. We've just had an email from a guy called James Lee. He says, "Hi, just writing a bit of info on the scientists in Antarctica. I'm a scientist who's just come back from one of the Antarctic bases called Hallie" or Haley. "There are 15 people staying there over the Antarctic winter. The scientists are looking mainly at the atmosphere things like the ozone hole and meteorology

steve: Energy. I think there are six scientists staying over the winter, as well as a doctor, electrician, mechanic and a carpenter and so on. And so he's saying uhh, they do listen, they can't, they have the internet so they maybe can listen to the show on the internet and if you get the chance say hi to Francis and the rest of the winter is for me. Sure, no problem, yeah, thanks James. But yeah, there they are. That's what they're doing. That's what they're up to.

karl: But why, why are they asking you for a message though when, I mean, have these people got families and that or are they convicts or what?

ricky: I don't. No. What do you mean, of course they got.

ricky: They probably do get messages from their family.

karl: Why are you doing one for one. Is that? I mean, say, d'you know like you see in like Porridge and stuff like that, where if someone's in prison and no one visits 'em.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And they sort of look a bit fed up and that. Is this message that you're doing for like people who don't get a letter in the post from?

ricky: Brilliant. So they, they put this on the shelf until someone doesn't get one. "Alright Hargreaves." "Yes sir, I didn't get a message today sir." "You have got a message, Hargreaves."

ricky: "I've what sir?" "Hargreaves you have got a message." "Really sir?" "From Ricky Gervais." "Really sir?" And then they give it. Don't talk. Don't talk. Please, there are scientists listening. Try to keep the talking shit down to a minimum today.

karl: What's annoying me is here, right. They're saying they're stuck over there for months, but it seems to me like they're wasting a lot of time. Right.

ricky: Why?

karl: Well, you're saying they probably watch DVDs, they're saying they've got internet access.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Was I wrong?

karl: Listening, listening to messages. Get the job done and go home. Do it in a week.

ricky: Well that's subtle. Well then we don't have to tell 'em anything then cause they, they listen to the internet. If they've got the internet then yeah, its a waste of time. Good point, play a record.

steve: Well hang on, before that. Here's a good point. You've had long time to research what's been going on in the world. We've just had an email here from Nicholas who says, "why haven't you told them about the recent Pig Olympics that just went on in China?" You've missed that one Karl once again.

karl: Who won?

ricky: 'First of the gang to die' - Morrissey, XFM104.9, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Well Karl, you've failed miserably. There's scientists stuck away. Right, one more chance. What, what's happened in the last couple of weeks? Just one more chance to, what have you seen in the last couple of weeks?

karl: Ahh well, like I said, I don't, I don't really watch the news an' that.

ricky: Right.

karl: So I can't tell 'em about that. But in a way, I think they're better off not knowing, I think that's the only good thing about being out there innit. Not knowing about the bad stuff going on.

ricky: Yeah,

karl: So, I can't help 'em there.

ricky: They don't need to look at the weather do they?

karl: No, don't need to. But uhh, I told you that the pope an' that.

ricky: Yeah, pretty extensive.

steve: What about the EU Constitution and the, ahh, the no votes.

steve: What ahh, what do you make of that? What're your views?

karl: Uhh. What, what's the problem there?

ricky: Ohh F-. This, this isn't, this isn't, this isn't broadcasting though is it. This is nothing.

karl: No, but its better not knowing, isn't it? It's better not knowing.

ricky: Come up with something. Talk.

karl: Well the fat baby, then. The fat baby that they found, that was on the telly. Ricky: Right. Well, what was that?

karl: It's just a little fat baby. That ahh, ahh.

ricky: Oh for F-

karl: I don't know mu-. Its just, just a little fat kid an' that.

ricky: What? Tell 'em what? What is?

karl: It was on the telly, it was on the telly an' that.

ricky: But what was on the telly? You just said fat baby, fat baby, fat baby, fat baby on telly, fat baby on telly.

ricky: Telly, d- you're meant to be telling them what's happened in the world. Tell, w- tell me about the fat baby on telly!

karl: It's just they've found some uhh. There's, there's this illness, called momo, alright? And uhh. They've just got this, this woman had a kid. It's really sad, it was on Channel 4 and that, alright? And uhh. The kid's born

ricky: Are you sure it wasn't Jimmy Carr?

karl: Kid's born and that, alright.

steve: Momo?

karl: It's called momo, yeah

steve: Isn't that, that black music award?

karl: I dunno, alright, little, little fat baby and that and uhh. There's only, three of them in the world. These little fat babies

steve: Right.

karl: And uhh.

steve: They're endangered

ricky: How fat? You're not tellin- what do you mean? How fat are they?

karl: Six stone it was, it was only two. And uhh, there's, there's three of them in the world, and there was this one, and there was one in Brazil.

steve: Are they like endangered? Is that the problem, because there's only three of them in the world? I'm a bit worried, is there like a conservation campaign?

ricky: Are they hunted for their flesh?

karl: Nah it's, it's sad, I know this is isn't the show for this, but if you'd seen it you'd go oh that's a bit, bit sad and that. Umm.

ricky: Well I haven't seen it and I know nothing about it.

karl: Well I've told you, there's three of them in the world

ricky: I just. I don't. I. Okay, what else was on telly?

karl: Uhh, the uhh, something I watched the other night which was good. Uhh, again, you know how I learn stuff from the, from the telly, I don't watch the news

ricky: Well you don't learn stuff from the telly

karl: I'll tell you what though

ricky: You've told us there's a fat baby in the world. There's a spider that eats chickens and there was a fat kid. That's-

karl: Alright, forget them in Iceland, right?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We'll give them Rockbusters, later, to do right

ricky: Iceland!

karl: But what's her name? I tell you what is interesting, Steve. Um. I didn't know that much about it. Au- Autism.

steve: Okay

ricky: Oh good, some more entertaining stuff on Xfm 104.9

karl: No, no, no

ricky: To cheer up people. Go on, what? what? Go on

karl: No, right, have you heard about it Steve?

steve: Autism?

ricky: It scares me to death when he comes up, when he touches on a serious subject. It- ah- we've been talking about wheeling a dead Pope round. The Chinese don't age well and ginger people are hated, and now we're going to touch on a really, I mean, ah- ah- my heart's in my throat go on Karl then. Tell me, tell me your insights to autism.

karl: Right, well what it is, this, again, Channel 4, coming up with some good stuff at the moment. Right. It might have been Channel 5

karl: But what's her name? It was-

ricky: It's the attention span that I like

karl: It's these, these people who uhh, they've got like this autism thing going on.

steve: Yep

karl: And uhh, they sort of take in a lot of information, they get sort of a bit, they get so into it that they know everything about that subject and what have you, right? And there was this lad, who uhh. He knew everything, right, about EastEnders

steve: Right?

karl: He sort of, the cameraman was saying to him, uhh, so, you know, why, why EastEnders and that? He said, oh I don't know, I just like it. And he said that, I remember when I first watched it, it was a Thursday, it was five to eight, Pauline Fowler walked in, she had a pink jumper on, she said "alright love"? And he remembers everything from that moment on.

steve: Yeah

karl: Right, and everything, which is great, but then, the way the program was making out, it was almost like they were saying it's, it's a disability

steve: Right

karl: When in a way, it's more like a superpower

steve: Sure. Like, like "Rain-Man".

karl: If-If you can take- no, I’m not-

steve: It’s Rain Man, he has special autistic powers. We must send for Rain Man

ricky: Oh god, I don't know what to do.

steve: So what you’re saying is he’d be a great contestant on mastermind? -he’d be dynamite-

ricky: There’s other things- sorry-

karl: What I’m saying is, don't be watching EastEnders. Sort of why didn't they give him an encyclopedia, and say get into that-

steve: Sure

karl: That will be useful. Yeah keep ‘em away from Eastenders, wasting his time there, but I don't think it's a- it is a disability.

steve: No.

ricky: Yeah- there are other things and that they're not all like-

ricky: Also, autism is a matter of degrees, from what I know, and I'm sorry to have to do this, but I feel that I have to at least be the voice of reason, as ill educated as I am on the subject, but I think; one, there's degrees of autism, I think some are higher performance than others. There's other - there's other issues with it. It's not they just, they just got good memories. They don't go around doing tricks for people, because they can remember stuff. There are other - there are other issues with it.

karl: Like What?

ricky: Do you know what I mean?

karl: Well, They seemed a bit-

ricky: Well, you watched the program. What did you learn? That he knows when Pauline Fowler came in?

karl: Yeah, I mean there was other bits where they couldn’t control their emotions and stuff.

ricky: Oh, the other - that other little bit yeah-

karl: The main -the main bit of it was he can soak up information and stuff, and I'm just saying he didn't seem really bad, you know what I mean, there’s disabilities where people say “that's a bad disability”, you know how people say about, eh..

ricky: This is brilliant this, it’s just like, this is amazing to be in the room with this man. It's incredible. You just wind him up and listen to what comes out, and I'm gonna sit back now-

ricky: And I'm not going to defend you or explain anything, just tell me, go on then and tell me about the other disabilities that are worse-

karl: No, What I mean is, how people can sometimes easily get mixed up. Um, How people are scared of like a cyclop. But at the end of the day, he’s got a disability. A bloke with-

ricky: Who’s scared of a cyclop apart from Jason and his Argonauts, where have you- where’s this cyclop that you're scared of?

karl: No, I'm just saying in history and in books and that-

ricky: No, No, No, not in history - history happened.

karl: Yeah, but -

ricky: What are you thinking of, your mixing history with Greek mythology and Roman mythology and every other type of Mythology. What do you mean there wasn't really a giant Cyclops that went around picking up ships and throwing them around. That's not history, Karl. Do you think Batman's history?

karl: No, but this was, it was ages ago, wasn’t it, when we were sort of forming-

ricky: No I’m not saying it didn't happen ages ago, I'm saying it didn't happen.

karl: Well, it might have done, I mean what's so ridiculous about a fella with one eye?

ricky: In the middle of his head and he's big and scary and lives in a cave?

karl: Why is he scary? Cause he’s got - If he had eight eyes I’d be scared of him. At the end of the day he’s got a dis- oh, we’ll talk about it in a bit...

ricky: Across 110th Street on Xfm, 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant and over there Karl Pilkington.

steve: Can I just remind people that -

ricky: A man so stupid, it isn't actually offensive, I just want to put that out there.

steve: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

ricky: Okay, good.

steve: I just want to remind people that they can get in touch on the text 83 Xfm. You'll need that text number shortly because we’re gonna be paying RockBusters very soon and Gave has texted in, and he says, quite simply, “What happened to the webcam? All I can see is a bald monkey.

steve: Well, You’re absolutely right, We’ll try to get that sorted out for ya. But we're RockBustering now?.

karl: Wanna do it now? Set it up now?

steve: Okay, great. So you should just remind people Rick, particularly if they're trapped in Antarctica for the next few months, what this game is?

ricky: Well, this is um, Blockbusters, just totally ripped off, and the clues are bands and artists. They-Karl says they’re cryptic clues. They're not cryptic clues, they’re are more like - what word am I thinking of, they’re tenuous, some of them don’t work at all.

ricky: Um, So it's it's really are you in tune with a shaved monkey? I mean, it's nearly embarrassing to get the clue. I pride myself on that I don't really get them and I'll um, I'm sort of proud of that because you shouldn't. Yeah. But anyway, I think I've given it a big sell, now you do win tat today, but the big prize is going forward to be in the draw in five weeks time, when there's a sign to Homer that I got Matt Groening to draw.

ricky: If you go to rickygervais.com, you can see him drawing it. It's an original.

karl: Well if they want to see it they can go to Xfm.co.uk/ricky and it's actually - just click on it. You can have a look at it.

ricky: You can see all the pictures there, can’t you? There’s also a signed Nigel Tufnel poster, and us three as Flanimals. But as a little extra video clip, that was on rickygervais.com you can actually see Matt Groening drawing it.

steve: So those prizes are the ones that- the big prize you can win in five weeks time- When-if you get to the Grand Final.

steve: In the meantime, it's the usual selection of mediocre gifts which will be given away-

ricky: That we found in a drawer that people have sent us to give away?.

steve: Yes, so first up we've got the I think, well I think most people would agree-the mediocre John Travolta film, “Ladder 49”, which I think barely made it into cinemas over here.

ricky: Ohh, and we're giving that away?

steve: We’re giving it away! On DVD, the TV series “Grumpy Old Men”, which I think is repeated every single night on BBC Two.

ricky: Oh, and that's free as well as it?

steve: Yeah, that's free. Okay, we've got the complete third series of Alias-great gift, only if you've seen the previous two seasons, so,

ricky: Is that the one I’m in?

steve: I don’t know, possibly. Uh, “French and Saunders: At the movies” a collection of all their hilarious movies spoofs, again on television, I think, every Friday and the TV series “Operation: Good Guys”, you know, fine series, but you could see that on UK gold most nights. So once again an excellent selection-

ricky: But if you win all those and take them straight down Record and Tape Exchange, you will be able to get two albums that you actually like.

steve: That's exactly right.

ricky: So -

karl: People send us them so they sort of get bigged up on the radio. So that's done. We don't need to worry about that.

ricky: Angry

karl: So anyway then, three Clues-

steve: Well, hang on, let's play the jingle.

ricky: No, I haven’t got one for-

steve: Oh, You’ve not got a jingle for RockBusters?

ricky: No

steve: Well do one quickly, now.

ricky: Ok.. Ugh .. Rockbusters

steve: Brilliant.

karl: All right, so we got about three of them, cryptic clue and the initials - the band - it could be a band or an artist - we’ve done all that haven’t we. Alright, first one, “the fella let his wife know how he got the bruise on his leg.”

steve: Give us that again

karl: The fella let his wife know how he got the bruise on the leg. He’s got a little bruise. Hey,what’s going on?

ricky: Imagine that in the Times Crossword. You read it again - it’s slightly different. Every time I look back at this crossword, it slightly different, all the words change. It can't be cryptic.

karl: The initials there CL, right, CL. Fellow got a bruise on his leg. He let his wife know how he got it, what's going on .. All right second one..

ricky: All the muttering, Hahaha

steve: What's the next craptic clue?

karl: Second one, ”That that Potter lad...

karl: He had a lot of bottle doing all that stuff with the Wizards and that, right? He had a lot of bottle, playing with the Wizards and that, what’s- what's all that about?

ricky: I love it, he always has, “what’s all that about”

karl: TB, the band or artist, the initials; TB. That Potter lad, he's got a lotta bottle doing all that stuff with the Wizards, and the uh, the third one; The Buddhists won't be able to get in their temple without these. Ah, What do they need? Right. The Buddhists won't be able to get in their temple without these. The Initials, TM.

steve: 83936 is the text number, and we don't want to receive emails from this because we can't be bothered. So just a quick text, make sure you include all three answers, we’re not interested unless... you need to get all three.

ricky: But the winner may only get two but - it’s first one with the most right answers that wins all those, all those DVDs - and this is a box set to be fair. That's pretty as pretty good prize, that one

steve: Oh, you could probably get, probably get 2 CDs when you take that to Record/Tape Exchange. Just for that alone.

ricky: And you don't need to see the first 2 seasons because you won't know what's happening anyway.

steve: Oh Ok, fine. I'm excited to think that there's some - some people now in Antarctica, just scrambling around to get a pen. Just trying to figure them out, you know, that that keep- that they'll probably stew on that for the next two months.

ricky: Feel Good Inc., Gorillas, Gorillaz, on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with the, uh, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington - Karl, Okay, we've got to sort this out. We didn't meet again this week. And this is a shoddy show. I thought we had a sort of framework for it but-

steve: Ha

ricky: Do you know what I mean, I thought, I, you know Carl could sorta tell them what was going on. He doesn't know anything, except watching telly - late-night telly on strange channels. Like, he gets all his information about the news on Ana-nova, and I mean - I even tried out, because monkey news last week was awful.

steve: It wasn’t Monkey News

ricky: It wasn't Monkey News. It was awful.

ricky: I can’t remember it.

karl: Well, why would I have, I’ve been on holiday..

ricky: Brilliant. Yeah, and Monkey News stops. I phoned him up, there was a front cover um, of the - I think it was the Telegraph - one day this week. And now, it was an ironic story, it was a fluff piece, but it was a funny story, about a monkey in a in a zoo that had a ruck with its father because it's adolescent. It was like the equivalent of like, 16 to 18, and had a fight with his father and escaped it ran away, and it was like, you know, an interesting story.

ricky: I phoned Karl and said, “There’s some Monkey News, um, a monkey has escaped from its cage after an argument with his father” and he said, “What was the argument about?”

ricky: I mean, he thinks like Homer Simpson.

steve: Yeah, Amazing

ricky: What was the argument about? Like the zookeepers going, “Oh look, oh no, he's brought up his untidy room again, the father- oh he’s caught him smoking. I mean, what do you mean, “what was the argument about?” They have fights, they have fights and then it ran away.

steve: His dad wanted him to go to college, but he just wants to quit and get a job. Ricky: Yeah, and he fancied a monkey in the other cage, and the father was saying, “she's not good enough for you.” Aww, “What was it about?”

steve: So have we got some Monkey News today?

karl: Yeah. I got a little bit of Monkey News.

steve: You’ve got a little bit of Monkey News-

steve: You’ve redeemed yourself then, this week?

karl: Alright, We've got some stuff there, and that. Uh, What else has been going on?

karl: You were, uh, what were we going to talk about there. Sort of, my heads gone, then.

steve: You’re heads gone?

karl: We’ve got monkey news.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Why is it, your brain - It seems like since we've come back on air you have become dimmer, I mean, it is extraordinary. It's like-it's like BSE (Mad Cow Disease) has kicked in and you really are..

ricky: Or - did we just forget, we just forgot-

steve: Maybe it's just been a long time. We forgot just how stupid he is, it’s proper, it's the silences- he forgets we’re on the radio. There's just dead air.

ricky: It's unbelievable. And it's our name on this.

steve: I know!

ricky: But as I said, before, you know, he is - no offense, he’s not a bright, bright lad, or educated or anything like that. But some things he says does-border on the retarded.

steve: Oh yeah-

karl: I've been trying to take in too much information now, that's, that's the problem recently. Well I said to you last week. I've been, like, reading more books and what have you, and trying to take in too much but the problem is, that, even, even watching telly an’ that now, Suzanne said to me, you know, “stop doing that, stop watching telly late at night and going to bed, because it's making your brain too active” And I’m sort of -

ricky: Heaven forbid

karl: And you know, I'm trying to get to sleep and I can't - and then when I wake up - I'm - she had a go at me the other day, right, because it was a night after watching the fat baby, right?

karl: Woke up in the morning, and uh, she had a go at me because soon as I woke up I said, it's something like, “How can you freeze time?”

karl: And she said, “Aren’t you going say Good Morning or whatever?”

ricky: I’m gonna burst, just imagine it, right, the sun comes up to the window.

ricky: She's up, Karl’s like that, his little head, his eyes opened he goes-

steve: One of those floppy night hats-

ricky: “How can you freeze time?” Oh, God-

karl: But, it's because, like, whatever, the night before I might have heard that on the news-whatever. It's just been sort of whizzing around me head.

steve: Sure

karl: And, you know, it was a big debate, have they found a way of doing or something?

ricky: What you're talking about?

karl: They’ve done something about freezing time and that-

ricky: Ah, you see, this isn’t information. This is nothing, that is nothing-that.

ricky: They’ve done something about freezing time, imagine Jeremy Paxman coming on and going ... right, the issues tonight, they said something about freezing time. It's- you’re - you’re - think before you talk!

karl: No, but I, I don't worry about how to do it. I just think about what effects that’ll have.

ricky: Oh, They haven't asked you to get involved, phew.

karl: This is what I’m saying, you can't explain it. It's a tough thing innit, but what’s the point in me worrying about it-

ricky: It’s not a question. Do you know what he said to me the other day? This is unbelievable.

ricky: This is one of the most stupid-incredible things I've ever heard. He was talking, and he suddenly stopped and he was thinking about it, and he went “oh”, I went “what?”, He went, “You never see a black ghost.”

steve: Extraordinary

karl: True, though innit?

steve: I've never seen a ghost, full-stop.

ricky: There are no ghosts. There aren't Ghosts.

karl: No, I mean when you just see ‘em in like, magazines and that.

ricky: Play a Record!

ricky: Antony and the Johnsons, innit that beautiful?

steve: Interesting.

ricky: “Hope there's someone”, on Xfm 104.9 I’m Ricky Gervais with me Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Well Karl, more revelation, we were talking about last week, but Karl brought it up again, just now, uh, didn't want to go to the doctors, didn't want to have a full sort of body checkup, that may save his life, because he saw on the website they do a test where they have to insert a finger in his ass.

karl: Don't tell me about it.

ricky: Why?

karl: Don't put on the website, just put we look at your heart.

ricky: Yeah,

karl: -and check your blood pressure out-

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And then they could just do it quickly. Could you sort of say - right...

ricky: How could they do it quickly?

karl: No, but what I'm saying is it's worse innit, going in there knowing that I mean, They’ve got it on the website, So you're on the journey, on the bus thinking, “in about twenty minutes I'm going a finger up my ass”

ricky: But, they're doctors! They’re not doing it for a laugh. They're not filming it with a two-way screen. They're not putting on boxing gloves so it hurts more.

ricky: They’re (schloop) up, oh his prostate’s alright, out again-out again.

karl: I'm just saying in the day the sort of-

ricky: Do you think they’re in the pub going here he comes, there’s Pilkington, I’ll have my finger up his ass later (Hehe)

steve: Do they allow ladies to do that? Do they allow female doctors to do it on a bloke?

ricky: Of course they do, they’re doctors!

karl: That's worse.

ricky: You’re sound- you’re sounding like him.

steve: I'm just interested it because you know, do they allow female doctors to do the finger up the ass thing?

ricky: Well of course they do, they’re doctors - forget the female and male - they are doctors.

steve: Right, do you know any female doctors to do that?

steve: But what I mean is, isn't it a bit like, if you've been searched an airport, you know, and you're a woman, they send in a woman person to search you? They don't they don't send in a bloke to do it. Isn’t that the same thing?

ricky: Yeah, they probably trust someone who's gone through six years Medical College not to be taking the piss, as opposed to a fat security guard that couldn’t get anything else, do you know what I mean?

steve: What are you talking about, there’s doctors all the time coming out in the papers and they gave them “this”, so they could look at their boobs or whatever, you know, you’re hearing stuff all the time about dodgy doctors.

ricky: But what I'm saying is the reason why they do that at security because there's-there's lots of security people, and they can, you know, for your own, for your own.. your own modesty,

ricky: -There is a female one to search females and a male one to search males, and that’s fine, but there's not like four or five GPs to choose from when you go in there and you go, “Is it, is it, your ass and testicles want a bloke or a? You know, you accept it.

steve: But what if they’ve got long fingernails?

ricky: They don't have long fingernail. What do you think this-this female GP looks like-she's sitting behind the desk like Cruella de Vil, with that -with that- with cleavage and long red false nails going? “Hello, Love. Bend over, this may hurt a little bit.”

ricky: There's gloves and Vaseline. I mean -this- I don't believe that there’s two of you now in the room. Karl, they’re doctors, they have to- What would you rather then put their hand down your throat and round you alimentary canal to feel your ass? It's a quicker way in-

steve: You seem to know a lot about these doctors that sick fingers up peoples asses... you're a very well-informed gentleman around this sort of thing.

karl: Say if they did find something-

ricky: Yeah

karl: Would you then have to get, like, a second opinion so there’s someone else's-

ricky: No-

karl: -- finger.

ricky: Well no. They - they test it to see if there's anything suspicious that - it's usually a - a - a swollen prostate which - which can be anything, um - so they, y'know, they catch it early and that's it. They feel - they feel up there. That's --

steve: But if you want a second opinion, then the same doctor will just stick a thumb up and have a feel around there.

steve: So it always works in the same way.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Well it's - if there's, y'know, if there's a doctor who can, don't know, put me at ease. I mean surely there's another way around it. I don't believe that. I mean, what is there sixty million people

karl: Or something in the world isn't there? Sixty billion or something?

ricky: Well...

karl: Six billion, something?

ricky: Yes. You got it. He did it. Well done.

steve: That's good work.

karl: Right, so yeah there - there's six - what, six billion did I say?

ricky: Yeah, what's six billion then?

karl: Loads, innit?

ricky: Yeah, but --

steve: So if you were - you want a doctor to phone up to assure you that the finger up the bum thing's not painful and that it's necessary and that it's not just someone trying to get kicks.

karl: Just that it's necessary really, just that it's not an easy way around, d'you know what I mean?

steve: Alright what's the phone number here?

karl: It's uh - they've changed it haven't they?

ricky: Oh for fu-

steve: You're the producer!

karl: Hang on, here it is, here it is. 0871

karl: 222 1049 and I think you - you select option one. It tells you, anyway, what to do.

ricky: Please if - if - if you're a GP or - or if, you know, even if you completed medical - I mean we - we want a qualified doctor really, anything else is not good enough for Karl Pilkington. Um - just to - uh, we'd love to talk - you could ask 'em all the other questions! 'Cause you know Karl, as I said last week, he - he - he doesn't um, feel his own testicles 'cause he doesn't like the feel.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: So, you know, I'd like a doctor to explain to him how necessary that is.

steve: Well, I - I -

steve: And this is truthful as well, I've got a very slight pain around the genital area at the moment, and I'm not - I think it might be some kind of groin strain, but I'm a little bit anxious, not entirely sure what it is, so.

ricky: Yeah, I feel - I - I'm - I - you've been with me twice when I've gone along to get them checked.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Where I go "Oh, what's that?"

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah. It's terrible, I mean, but, you know, it's usually - you're - you're - you're - I think you're in a pretty low risk group though, aren't you?

steve: I'd hope so.

ricky: You - you're coming out of the 20s, I think it's a - I think testicular's sort of - I shouldn't be doing this, I'm not qualified.

steve: No.

ricky: All that they told wa - all they said was, to me, it's sort of like, it's 20s and 50s.

karl: Mine --

ricky: So uh, we're into it.

karl: Mine sort of felt like they dropped a bit the other week when I was on holiday. I don't know if that's - like, when you're relaxing or... I was wearing shorts a lot.

ricky: How far? If it's two foot, it's too far.

karl: I was having problems walking.

ricky: What do you mean? Why?

karl: No, it - it - it was just a bit, sort of, a bit - I - I had shorts on all day, I'm happy, I'm walking about on the beach and what have you. And then, at the night, when I put some long trousers on, I - I was sort of walking like I had rickets.

ricky: No, they probably - they probably like, stretch a little bit. Sometimes, uh - I told you, when I was about 18, I was scared, I - I - I went to, uh -

ricky: The doctor, I had a - I felt a pain, right, and uh, I was - 'cause I was doing biology, I thought I'd show off to this doctor, I said "I've got a pain, I think - it feels like it starts in the epididymis and goes up thr - through the urethra, via the -" And, uh, he went --

karl: Finger up the arse?

ricky: He said "Your jeans are too tight, they're squashing your balls."

ricky: So, uh, we want a doctor like that.

steve: So what's the phone number again?

karl: It's uh - 0871 222 1049.

steve: A qualified doctor.

ricky: What do you mean your balls drop though? We've gotta come back to this.

karl: I don't know, they just felt like - it's not too bad at the moment, I was all right on the way in, but it's just --

ricky: I - I've felt - I feel twinges

ricky: All the time but you never know whether it's just because they're in --

karl: They just felt - well they felt like they weren't me own, d'you know what I mean? It - they sort of felt a bit like these are a --

ricky: There wasn't a bloke standing really close to you was there? And you just --

steve: You didn't get them mixed up, did you, on the way back? On the flight back? Someone else has got them.

ricky: Well - do - take a, um, leaf out of nudist books. They just walk around they - they got nothing on, they --

karl: Oh, don't go on again about nudists.

ricky: Why?

karl: Well, let's - let's play this ad break and that and --

ricky: Have you had another encounter?

karl: Well - if we've got time I'll tell you about it.

ricky: Have you really?

ricky: Right. We've got a - who's that on the line?

rob: It's Rob.

ricky: Rob. And uh are you a doctor?

rob: I'm a final year medical student, I'll be a doctor in two months, touch wood.

ricky: That's close enough, isn't it?

rob: Yeah.

ricky: Excellent. So, where do you study? Do you want to give more details of you want to remain anonymous as you're calling?

rob: At BUCS hospital.

ricky: All right, great. So why do GPs sometimes put their finger up a man's anus?

rob: To see what's there, if you got haemorrhoids, got an enlarged prostate. It's either that or they stick up a big tube and have a look up with a light.

karl: What?

rob: And it's easier to do that.

ricky: Now, are you dumbing this down for us or you're going to fail your medical exams by saying stick up a big tube with a light.

rob: I'm dumbing it down.

ricky: Okay, come on, then we're all intelligent people here, and Karl, so you can you tell us, now what's that called?

rob: It's called a sigmoidoscope.

ricky: Right.

steve: Nice. That was a clever test wasn't it Rick?

rob: 12 inch long tube that you can put up there.

ricky: So Karl, would you prefer that or a finger?

karl: Well, so do they sort of do the finger first and then, I mean at what point do they say hang on we need a light here.

rob: It's normally if there's something wrong.

karl: But- So if I go then say if I go to this wellman clinic, right and they go "Yeah, the hearts good an' that, yeah, finger there you go." And then they go "Hang on, I'm going to go and get me light and tube", you know, I could start worrying then because they've sort of found something.

rob: They're not likely to go straight in with the tube they'll probably send you off for some tests first.

ricky: But Karl there's nothing- you go to these places to put your mind at rest and to know where you are with your health. I mean, it's not that you go and- that's what most people worry about, they think that "I'll go along and they'll find something". Well one that's illogical, it doesn't heighten the fact they'll find something because you go along and two, if they do find something it's a good job you went along. I mean, I'm a hypocrite because I don't go to the doctor, but you know I've had that done.

steve: Karl you should be concerned if when they shine a little light in your ear it comes out the other side of your ear- the other ear, comes right out the other side. That's when you should be worried.

karl: But Rob, right, you said then, if they find something they send me off for some test, why can't I just have the test without that and cut out the middleman?

ricky: Because you're wasting lots of money.

rob: There's hundreds of tests they could do, they could do every test and they could all come back with nothing or they could do the finger up there and send you for the three tests you need to find out what's wrong with you.

karl: But in this day and age with all the technology and that and like brainy doctors and all that, the only way to find out is sticking a finger up there.

ricky: What are you worried about Karl? Is it fundamentally that this doctor who has done six years medical training

ricky: Is - is - is it embarrassing to have a man's finger up your arse?

karl: I just don't understand how you can get 'round to that without --

ricky: But what don't you like? Is it fundamentally you don't like anything up your arse, or is it - is it the fact that it's a man's finger up there?

karl: Well I - I don't like going to the doctor's, makes me nervous, 'cause I think if anyone searches you long enough they're going to find a fault with you, right? And especially if they're going that far into you, they're gonna find something, and --

rob: But we're not.

karl: Well, you never - I - I just - I just don't - I - I don't know how to get 'round to that sort of - that point where you get a - wh- what do you talk

karl: Doctor about? It's like, alright, nice day, uh - just drop your trousers.

ricky: He goes I'm just gonna - he says I'm gonna just, um, feel --

rob: Most - most people just shut up and let you do it and then breathe a sigh of relief when you say there's nothing there.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: But is that at the end of the test or is that the first thing he does?

rob: It's the last thing.

karl: So, that, trousers up, out the door.

ricky: 'Cause he knows it ends conversation, he knows it's a bit of a faux pas, the - you know, the doctor says "Oh, I better not kick off with a finger up the arse, what uh - what I do is I'll uh - I'll start on with the uh - you know, the head and then well - well then I go oh, one final thing Mr. Pilkington, um" --

karl: So - So Rob will --

ricky: He drop - he drops his keys and he goes "Pick them up" and as you bend over (whistle)

karl: -- will - will you be doing this Rob, is this what you're, like, hoping to do?

rob: Um --

karl: You do all these call--

rob: -- I'll - I'll have to do it at some point. All doctor's do it at some point, no matter what they specialize in.

karl: So the first one, is there another doctor there to sort of make sure you're doing it right?

ricky: Not - not - not dentists.

karl: No, but d'you know - d'you know wh--

rob: Dentists aren't doctors anyway.

ricky: No, no.

karl: But - but - d'you know I mean? Like, normally it's like, uh, a co-pilot will have someone with them for the first one. So --

rob: Yeah.

karl: -- when you - when you put your first finger in --

rob: Yeah.

karl: -- will someone be there going "Right, you just want to be soft with it."

rob: Well I've - I've already done it.

karl: Have you?

rob: Yeah.

karl: Oh.

rob: So you're - so that's the thing, with a student, you're learning. So you get people taking --

karl: And - and you learn on --

ricky: Can I just point out, uh - Rob, I - I think I'm right in assuming that, uh - uh - you have a glove on.

rob: Yeah.

ricky: And there's lubrication.

rob: Yeah.

ricky: And it doesn't hurt.

rob: No.

ricky: There you go. What are you worried about Karl?

karl: But - but who's this person who - who everyone's testing on in your class?

ricky: It's not one person.

rob: It's not one person, there's like - when a patient comes in and they've got a problem -

rob: Your - your boss the, like, consultant, he does his finger up --

karl: Yeah but --

rob: -- and if he finds something he goes, to the patient, "Is it alright if the student has a feel as well?"

karl: Well what --

rob: Then the student puts on a glove, puts lube on the glove, and sticks his finger up and sees what he comes out with.

ricky: Rob, I wish you could see Karl's face. I mean, he - he just - his face when you said "Then - then he goes - says, uh - can this fella have a go as well?" He looked horrified that it was a - he thought it was a free-for-all, like there's a queue of people trying on gloves

ricky: And going "Let's have a go. That looks good up there. What have you found?"

karl: No, but - I mean, how come you had to, sort of - is it not something you could test on yourself rather than waiting for other people to come in? Because then you know --

rob: Kind of an awkward position to get to really.

karl: No, but you can have a good rummage then without feeling too awkward, but, to - to sort of have a go on - on your first patient when you don't really know what you're looking for anyway. D'you know what I mean?

rob: Never really thought about it.

karl: Because you don't - if - if you've never done it before

karl: You pop your finger in there and you've got a sort of look, you've got to have an expression on your face like you know what you're finding.

ricky: Well, they can't see what you look, they can't see your face.

rob: You've got the big boss consultant man going, "Now move your finger there and you'll probably feel this." 'Cause he's just done it, he knows what's there.

karl: Well, what? Oh, so he's already had a go?

rob: Yeah.

karl: He's already had a feel and he's going, "Right, if you feel to the right, that's the conglombery or whatever."

rob: Yeah.

ricky: The conglombery, yeah. But it is conglombery is in perfect working order.

karl: Well that's uh, I'm still--

ricky: Thank you, Rob. I'm sorry you had to go through this. Karl is probably the worst patient you'll ever encounter in your medical career. Good luck with your finals and thanks very much.

steve: And do you know any female doctors who do this?

ricky: Thank you, XFM 104.9. Thank you.

steve: Josh Rags, It's the Night Time on XFM 104.9. Stephen Merchant, Ricky Gervais, Karl Pilkington and what, is it time?

ricky: I think, I think so.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Ooh! Chimpanzee that! Monkey News.

karl: Right then, so uh, there's this monkey, right?

ricky: Right.

karl: In Canada. It's in a zoo in Toronto, I think it is.

ricky: Mm.

karl: His name's Pascal. All right? And what happened was all the people in the zoo sort of said, you know, what can we do to sort of spice the day up a bit? So they left--

ricky: Embellishing. No way this is a news story.

steve: Let him do the news, let him do the news.

ricky: Yeah, okay.

karl: So they--

ricky: Any dates?

steve: Just let him read the news, all right? You wouldn't interrupt Moira Stewart.

ricky: No 'cause she always says, "Today," so you know it's news.

ricky: She doesn't say, "Right, there was a monkey, right? In Canada, right?"

steve: Just finish it or we'll be here all night.

karl: Couple of weeks ago, in this zoo in Canada.

ricky: Right. Jesus.

karl: They got a camcorder.

ricky: Right.

karl: And they said let's leave it for the monkey to have a play with, right? So anyway they passed it around--

ricky: Won a Bafta.

karl: And a couple of the chimps and that were rubbish at it. They were like, filming the floor and all that and their fingers were always in shot and stuff like that, right? But anyway, there was one, this one chimp called Pascal, right? Who uh--

ricky: It annoys me that you call them monkeys though. They're not monkeys, they're apes.

karl: He was a dab hand at it, right? He was like, filming stuff, really good shots, you know, sort of nice mood and that. He used the lighting properly and all the rest of it.

ricky: No he didn't!

steve: Just let, this is the news. What are you talking about? This is the news!

ricky: God, Steve. It's so annoying, you know it annoys me so much! Things like that, he was a dab hand at it, he was doing really good shots. It really annoys me.

steve: Let's hear the news.

karl: Anyway, right, so he started, at night like when the zookeepers went home, he started filming like, other monkeys on the go, like. Whilst they were at it. All right? And he was filming them and what have you.

ricky: The Ron Jeremy of the zoo?

steve: I love it. You know this is gonna end up on the web.

karl: So anyway, the zookeepers came in the next day and it's like, let's see what shots he's got. Anyway, he's got all this like, you know, all these monkeys at it and what have you.

ricky: Oh you, this is, honestly. You don't know what this is doing to me, Steve. Can I stop him now?

karl: So they thought like, actually--

karl: There's a few monkeys who, who aren't at it enough, d'you know what I mean, they have problems or what have you so let's give 'em the videos.

ricky: That is so untrue, this is so untrue!

karl: So...

ricky: It's so untrue that it was filmed by a monkey!

karl: So what happened then, right...

ricky: It's so untrue!

steve: Rick, I don't know who to believe.

ricky: Oh Karl, you're talking so much shit again. You must know that's not true, there's no way-

karl: So, there's a load of tapes out-

ricky: Look at me, look at me, don't keep talking, look at me.

karl: Yeah.

ricky: You must know that's not true.

steve: Can we just fear- hear the end of this news.

karl: It's all here. It's all here, innit. It's all here. You had a go at me last week cause I didn't have the full story, I've got the full story you're still not happy.

ricky: There is no way

karl: Mm.

ricky: That, buh- by chance, one: all this "ooh what should we do? Let's give them a camcorder" that could happen.

karl: Right.

ricky: He then films 'em at it, that might happ- it might happen but I don't think he'd keep the camera still, uhh uh uh two: they'd go "Hold on though, yeah this is good stuff, this is good shit, this porn's good shit".

karl: Anyway so-

ricky: "Look at that, he's got us a lovely shot here, yeah".

karl: So-

ricky: This is ridiculous.

karl: So they've got all the, all the-

steve: Let me just recap, cause I lost my way there. So the monkey has filmed the, the monkey porn.

karl: Yeah.

steve: And now he's, they're showing it to the other monkeys-

ricky: Is he directing, can you hear him saying stuff-

karl: It's like, just-

ricky: Can you hear him go: "Eeehhh, eeh eeh!" Like...

karl: It's just like, you know, 'Chimp Pimp 1, 2 & 3' and all the rest of it

karl: Right? But anyway, so they've got all these other tapes, um, because what happened was, um, they said he's quite good at this...

ricky: Ohhhhhhh God!

karl: And the animals, and the animals are, uh, happy having him around, because he's not a human he's just, one of the gang, d'you know what I mean?

steve: Sure.

karl: So they started putting him in with other things like, you know, ostriches or-

ricky: Right...

karl: And...

ricky: You're talk... shit... nt... I-I rea...

karl: There was...

ricky: I-

karl: So, and d'you know have a problem with pandas in, in Japan.

steve: Yep.

karl: So they've, they've sent him out there. Filming, uh, filming a bit of- where're you going?

ricky: St- yuh- yuh- Honestly, yo- you, you really annoy me.

steve: Come on please, cause I...

ricky: There's no way this is happening.

steve: Can we just hear the end?

ricky: It's absolute- why can't he just find a real story about a- a- a- a- a monkey.

steve: Let's hear the end!

karl: But I mean, the end, the end is really...

steve: He's in China.

karl: That's he's, he's going to China, he's, he's filming the pandas and what have you-

ricky: No he's not, they wouldn't send a monkey director!

karl: So, so, uhh, forget it then!

ricky: They would not send a monkey director!

karl: It's pointless. It's pointless.

ricky: Thunder Road, by Bruce Springsteen possibly the greatest rock song of all time, I dunno.

steve: Oh.

ricky: Big words.

steve: Big words indeed, but I- I- I echo them.

ricky: Umm, well we're running out of time, we've got to get on wuh- I- um, with the show it's uh, near the end. I hope you've enjoyed it, I hope the scientists stuck in a big, I dunno, hut in the middle of nowhere, in pitch darkness, ten of 'em, um, have enjoy-

steve: Oh, I imagine they've been fascinated, Rick, by the finger up the arse discussion, we had-

ricky: Chinese don't age well, gingers...

steve: Pope.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Gingers...

ricky: All that, um...

steve: We had the big fat kid.

ricky: Well, actually th- th- they're probably secure in the knowledge that if they want to kill some time and it's dark, there's nothing better than sticking your finger up someone else's arse.

steve: Yeah. Exactly.

ricky: So, uh, enjoy that. But-

karl: Right, listen...

ricky: They ah- they've been hanging on for Rockbusters clues, I imagine.

steve: Mhm.

ricky: Here's the answers. Go on then, give us the clue again quickly.

karl: Alright, so the first one was uhhh: The fella let his wife know how he, uh, got the bruise on his legs.

ricky: Go on.

karl: Right, that was, that was, uhh: "Caught me knee, love", yeah, "Caught, caught, caught knee love". So that's Courtney Love.

steve: So that's fine!

karl: That's, that's the first one, CL.

steve: So that one's f

karl: Uh, the second one, that potter-

ricky: What am I doing, letting that one go?

steve: Just let it go, just let it go.

ricky: Am I just letting that go?

steve: Annoyingly we haven't got time to take issue with it, Rick.

karl: That potter lad, he's got a lot of bottle 'ant he, doin' all that stuff with the wizards 'n' that?

ricky: Go on

karl: That's uh... brave Harry. y'know, the bravery, bravery, current sort of XFM band, the bravery. Brave Harry. That works as well.

ricky: No it doesn't.

karl: And the last one-

ricky: No it doesn't. No that doesn't work.

karl: The buddhists-

ricky: It doesn't work.

karl: Won't be able to get in their temple without one of these-

ricky: Doesn't work, brave Harry, brave Harry. Doesn't work, brave Harry. Brave Harry?

karl: The buddhists won't be able to get in their temple without these, TM. That's The Monk-keys, right? So who got all of them?

steve: The monk-keys?

karl: Who got all them right?

steve: Which band are called the monk-keys?

karl: The monkeys.

steve: Ah, The Monkeys.

karl: Yeah, The Monkeys. Right so who's the winner this week?

steve: The winner this week is Gina-

ricky: We're letting that go yeah?

steve: Gina got them all right, I think her text said she was from Horostead? I dont know, I've never heard of that place but I assume that's right, but Gina you win that selection of tat-

ricky: I can't believe she got 'em, I cannot believe she got 'em. But she goes- she wins those and also goes into the prize draw, we'll have um six people competing for that uh original Matt Groening thing, if you go to Ricky Gervais dot com you can see Matt actually doing that. We've got a signed Nigel Tuffnel, and uh an original drawing of us as flannimals.

karl: And if they wanna see it XFM.co.uk/ricky, if they wanna look at the picture and that

ricky: And uh... well that's it, it's three o'clock. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington

steve: More drivel next time!

ricky: A shaven monkey!

karl: Right...

XFM Vault hosted by the Internet Archive