XFM Vault - S04E03 Transcript
Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.
ricky: An Honest Mistake by The Bravery on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.
ricky: Our producer.
karl: All right?
ricky: In inverted commas, Heat put.
ricky: Yeah, well they know, they know. How are you doing, all right Karl?
karl: Yeah, didn't they also write something about me... Bald round head?
ricky: Yes, perfectly round little bald man head, they said, so.
karl: Yeah 'cause you need to know that when you listen to the radio and that.
karl: Really matters what my hair's doing.
ricky: Your hair, have you given it a little sort of polish? 'Cause you look like a cue ball and you've had a shave and it. I've never seen such a round head. It looks, it actually looks like a plate with ears.
steve: Yeah. Well for those that have never seen Karl, I actually, if you remember, I think he looks a little bit like Mr. Spoon from Button Moon.
ricky: He does! He does!
steve: If you've ever seen that show--
ricky: And also he looks like, you know when they say they find a little four-foot human and it's actually half a million years old and they give it a name. It's the first you know, Australopithecus into, right? He looks like one of them as well.
ricky: Perfectly round little, he's the missing link. He looks half human, half monkey.
steve: 'Cause he's got a slight slouch as well.
steve: It's like those pictures where you see it going from an ape to a man. It's like he's somewhere in the middle.
ricky: Yeah and of course his monkey hands. His hairy little wrists, those little, like those skinny little things that he can get oranges out of holes with and it's unbelievable. Why are you so all shaved and polished and everything?
karl: Got a wedding.
karl: Got to go to a wedding today, so... thought I'd, you know, clean myself up a bit.
steve: Shouldn't you be wearing a suit or something?
karl: No, I'll go home and put something on.
steve: Oh, okay.
karl: But yeah, Suzanne said, "Go on, make an effort." So I've had a shave and that and then she, I came out the bathroom and she said, "Oh, your head looks a bit sort of egg-ish."
ricky: She's right.
karl: She always worries about when I have a shave because I just, you know what I mean?
ricky: That's your girlfriend, Karl.
karl: I know.
ricky: Saying that. Just think, so don't worry about Heat saying it. The funny thing is, it's Boyd Hilton I think, of Heat, that wrote it.
karl: And he's got a little bald head.
ricky: You know, they don't slag him off.
karl: Yeah but on the end of his review, does it say, you know, "Written by Baldy Boyd." No 'cause it doesn't matter, it's a magazine. Don't worry about it.
steve: Looking forward to the wedding?
karl: Bit boring, innit? But you've gotta do it.
ricky: They're probably listening! Shall we do a shout out?
karl: No, it'll be a great day for them but I know what will happen: Suzanne will see, you know, all the fuss and that and she'll get ideas and I'll have to let her down and all that.
steve: Why is it you don't wanna get married, again? I always forget.
karl: It's just... Who's it for, at the end of the day? I've been with Suzanne for 11 years, right?
karl: We're happy. Well, I am.
steve: Yeah and that's the thought that counts.
ricky: You're never happy!
karl: I am, I'm all right.
ricky: Yeah, I know you're happy with Suzanne and everything but apart from that, you're never happy. You are the most grumpy, moany thing in the world. I mean, I get annoyed but I'm always happy. I was annoyed here, I was happy coming here but there was a bloke behind me walking and scuffing his feet, he had a pair of those stupid Scholls on and he was clicking and scuffing. Wear some shoes you don't have to click, pick your feet up! Flip flops annoy me, you know? But I'm ha--
ricky: ...I'm just annoyed. You are just like "Uhh, the worlds on me. It's rubbish, this." I know the world's great, it's just sometimes people annoy me by being there. You know, but uhh... Steve said I should be locked in one of those towers that princesses used to be.
steve: In fairytales.
ricky: In fairytales. Because eveyrthing annoys me. Umm. But you are... You're grumpy.
karl: I'm not. I'm alright.
ricky: Oh, right. Okay. Listen, we're gonna play a record uhm... Soon. But uhm... Coming up, Steve. I went away with Karl.
ricky: Okay? It was a little present from Jane. It was a golfing day, I could take someone... Took Karl. Brilliant day. Absolutely, absolutely brilliant. But it ended with us sort of drinking and chatting and me saying "Right, I'm going to bed." 'Cause Karl said the most ridiculous thing he has ever said. Think of that!
steve: That's something!
ricky: Oh... Sometimes Karl, I think you're on another planet. Here's The Only Ones.
ricky: "Another Girl, Another Planet" by The Only Ones. What a song!
ricky: One of my favourite intros, ever. Uhm... Dr. Fox disagreed with me, his favourite ever was err... I think "Money for Nothing", if I remember correctly.
steve: Interesting! Another great tune!
ricky: Yeah... Yeah. Another great... Another great tune. *inaudible*
steve: Yeah. I'f you'd like to let us know what your favourite intro of all t- *snoring*
ricky: That number again is 0... For f... Right! Well, we've got so much to get through in this show.
steve: Sorry, let me just get this right. I don't quite understand. You were given a gift, and the gift was a golfing... A day of golf.
ricky: A golfing day. And, and... Err, yeah. For my Christmas present. A part of my Christmas present from Jane. Uhm, err... A night away, uhm... Two rooms, two rounds of golf, dinner for two, right? Err...
steve: Mmm. But... But not with her, I notice.
ricky: Well, she doesn't play... No. She knew... No... *mumbling* ...playing golf. It was a... It was a golfing day and she doesn't play golf, so uhm... I had to choose someone to err, uhm... Take away.
steve: Sure, sure.
ricky: It's alright, it wasn't a romantic meal.
steve: No, no... That was my immediate thought. I was...
ricky: Yeah. Me and Karl, just getting in there, in the jacuzzi together.
steve: Yeah. It just sounds like an excuse for Jane to have a day off from you!
steve: "But you don't play golf, Jane!" "I know, I know! Go!"
ricky: "Go, go!" Yeah, yeah!
steve: "Go! Enjoy yourself!"
ricky: A bowling ball with my name on it.
ricky: Uhm... So... Chose Karl, obviously. Uhm, err... We went there, it was a great day, wasn't it? Brilliant round of golf. Absolutely brilliant, such a beautiful place in Stoke Poges, like, a really posh place.
steve: And does... Are you a good golf err... A good golf player?
karl: Err... Well, we'll get to that.
steve: Oh, okay. Blimey!
ricky: Well, we err... He bought... He bought the shoes especially for it.
steve: Oh, brilliant. I'd loved to have seen him in those little shoes.
ricky: I know. And they were no good 'cause they were metal spikes. We had to change them. He was annoyed, straight away. He's... He spent over twenty-two pounds on these... These golf shoes. Err... We hired a buggy, that was brilliant fun! I was bombing along, wasn't I?
ricky: I don't drive, but I... I just... It was great on that buggy. Well, you've been on a buggy with me and you were a bit scared.
steve: Terrified. Yeah.
ricky: Well, wha... I nearly killed us once! I was just-
ricky: Taking banks and things but you don't see sort of bunkers and he'd scream and go, "Stop!" and he'd put his foot down on the brake and then when, I reversed--
karl: At one point he sort of did a handbrake turn next to the lake and then we had, we had to reverse, right? And you know how you just flick a switch and put your foot down? He did that without looking. I look behind, there's a big oak tree there.
ricky: He screams, "Watch the tree!" Right? He was, he was--
karl: No. Dukes of Hazzard.
ricky: He did! And I kept jumping in and leaving him behind because I like to go to my ball 'cause anyway.
ricky: Um, so the first shot, the first shot, I got out my driver. I honestly did one of the best shots I've ever done, it went straight down, it was great. I thought, "Phew, got away with that," 'cause it's always the first one, 'cause there's the clubhouse and you want to look good. So he dings that back and I'd been saying, "Buy some balls." He'd just got six balls. I was going, "What if you lose them?" "I won't lose six balls, right?" He gets, tees out, right? Whacks it. It goes miles, like right angles, straight into these, the woods, right? He turns round and he goes, "Go and buy some more balls."
ricky: So I'm laughing 'cause it's like, impolite to laugh but he broke the ice for me and I went full around and then second shot I go, "You know you're for three now? If you take another shot." He went, "Ugh." All right, so it was his third shot, he puts the ball down.
ricky: He hits the ground before it and misses the ball altogether and I was on my back, wasn't I?
karl: Actually rolling about on his back.
ricky: Rolling about on my back and we were terrible. I went round 107, he went round in like, 119 or summat. It was just rubbish!
steve: How long did it take?
ricky: Five hours.
steve: Of course.
ricky: And there was no one around luckily.
steve: Yeah, yeah.
ricky: But it was fantastic. So then we go and have our meal. What annoys me, I said "Right, I'll go for a run," he went, "I'll have a bath." I said, "I'll see you at quarter to eight." At five to eight I have to call him. He's not ready, so he's let me down there. Well, you know, I can't stand lateness or laziness--
steve: He hates lateness.
ricky: Yeah, and he's let me down. Do you know his excuse? He fell asleep in the bath 'cause there was no light bulb.
steve: There was no light bulb in the bathroom, so he fell asleep?
ricky: So instantly fell asleep and he was late.
karl: No, do you know what I mean though, Steve? If you're sort of like, nice and warm and what have you. I was tired anyway, I'd been stressed out for four and a half hours, right?
karl: Me life flashed in front of me a few times in that buggy.
karl: So it all sort of wears you down a bit. I thought, "Right, I've got headache. You're going for your run. I'm gonna have a bath." I walk in, put the light on. For some reason it didn't come on but I thought, "It's all right, I'll just uh, you know, doesn't matter. You can have a bath in the dark."
ricky: It's summer, so it's light anyway.
karl: Well, there's no windows in the bathroom, so...
steve: So you're in the darkness.
karl: So I'm in the darkness. I nod off 'cause I'm shattered. He calls up hassling me. So I say, "Well, I won't, it doesn't normally take that long for me because you know, I haven't got like long hair I've gotta dry. I can sort of, one wipe."
ricky: Yeah, he's already 10 minutes late though when I called.
steve: Of course.
karl: Well, 10 minutes.
ricky: Mm, well, lateness is lateness, next?
karl: Doesn't matter. Dinner wasn't till quarter past, so we had like, another 20 minutes anyway. So it doesn't really matter.
ricky: Yeah, but we said quarter to.
karl: So he's calling up, "Hurry up, hurry up." So I said, "Yeah, all right."
karl: So I get out. I'm drying like, my tackle and what have you. He calls back again 30 seconds later.
steve: Did you stop to have a quick feel? Because, you know.
karl: No, I don't really like that.
steve: No? You're not gonna do that then.
karl: Give it a wipe. 30 seconds later, "Come on!" So I end up going downstairs to the, to the meal area--
karl: With a wet shirt on and wet socks.
karl: I've got headache as it is. Meant to be a relaxing weekend.
ricky: That's it. But anyway, so we have our meal, which is really nice.
ricky: Then we're sitting in the bar, I'm having a cigar by the fire. But we're having a rather nice Pinot Grigio. He's there go--
steve: Is this 1955 that you live in?
ricky: (laughing) I know! (inaudible) We are knackered. 'cos er, you know - he's not used to work. I've seen him moaning falling asleep. He's not used to it at all.
steve: Sure, and you get on your feet for her for over half an hour.
ricky: Yeah, right. So yeah, we didn't even walk around the gold course, we had a buggy. Wasn't even exercise! So we get into conversations, talking, like he's asking me stuff about evolution. What-about-why-tell-me-that, why did the giraffe... "what's that rubbish about the giraffe getting a long neck?" I said "well it didn't try and get a long neck".
ricky: "It was selected" and he said "but why would evolution do that?" - I went "Well you're thinking - evolution didn't do anything, there's not there's not this consciousness. There's not this will that a giraffe has to stretch its neck to reach the leaves, one had a long enough neck to survive and pass it on. He was going "Yeah, but why did he evolution?" - but, by the way, this isn't the most stupid thing. This is, this is warming up. This is about quarter to nine. He said "why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?"
steve: Right... yeah. Okay. No, alright.
ricky: Okay, so he's thinkingm he's thinking around it, he's trying to. He's trying to pick holes in evolution.
ricky: We got onto - I said, "well yada yada" I was saying umm, erm "we can see the speed of evolution in and lower life forms like bacteria, viruses - they evolved and that's why soon we won't have an antibiotic that didn't kill some certain bacterial strains" and HE said - and this is about half 11 then I said "I'm going to bed ".
ricky: HE said "In the future, they reckon that well be able to wake up and eat a yogurt you can have a chat with".
steve: (laughs) I don't know what that means!
karl: Look, lets put on a song on alright.
steve: So you're going to explain that? You've got an explanation?
ricky: The Verve, Sonnet on Xfm 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.
steve: So let's just get this right. What did Karl say?
ricky: He said "they reckon" and he-he-he I said "I'm going to bed". He went "no really", and I said "No I'm going to bed karl, there's no point now because" uh, it' just like "you're talking gobbledygook". You don't mean? I might as well talk to a pot plant plan. He said "In the future, they reckon" -
ricky: I don't know who "they" are. I don't know... people who post things on the internet that he reads.
karl: Nah, it was in The Telegraph.
steve: Anyway complete the sentence.
ricky: "They reckon the in the future you'll be able to wake up" - I love that there's always a little scenario, an embellishment like this little (whistling) "yawm, hello darling here's your jogurt" - "helloooh". "You'll be able to wake up and eat a yogurt, you can have a chat with"
steve: All right, well - you know. Thanks for that Rick. I'm gonna throw that over to Karl now.
karl: It's when I was away on holiday, right? I got. I don't normally buy The Telegraph...
karl: Too big and that, isn't it? So, but, they were giving it away for free on the plane. So I thought...
steve: Ding dong!
karl: Might as well have it. And I saw a couple of things and I thought "that would be interesting". I saw this thing about the future and it was talking about evolution and what have you - right which I always find weird because I always think that - maybe we've sort of done it wrong anyway. You know what I mean? I sometimes think...
ricky: It can't... by definition. Evolution can't get things wrong.
ricky: Things change that it's not successful at, can't pass on its uhh genetic material.
ricky: Genetic material or that but... if you're around it's working, if you're around it's working. Slugs are as evolved as they need to be, slugs are as evolved as you... and me.
steve: Well that's true enough!
ricky: Yeah, yeah! No disrespect but it works.
steve: Sorry but what's your point Karl?
karl: No I mean I think we probably would have been better off staying as a fish.
karl: Just because there's more water than land, 'int there?
karl: And we wouldn't drown...
ricky: This is why i went to bed
steve: No I can imagine, I'm thinking of dozing off now.
ricky: Yeah *laughs*
karl: No but it went- d'you know what I mean? From-
ricky: C'mon talk.
karl: It was bacteria, it was fish, mermaid, man
karl: Onward and what have ya.
ricky: *laughs* Oh god! Oh god! There are a few knowledge gaps in your theory of evolution.
steve: You generally got it right though.
ricky: Basically yeah. It went bacteria, fish, mermaid, man. Ummm, what's next is the big question!
karl: So it was tellin' you all about this and what have you, and sayin' how like we shouldn't have interfered 'cause maybe if we wouldnt't have invented planes and what 'ave ye maybe we'd be able to fly and what 'ave ye-
steve: Sure, yeah.
karl: If we really needed to and stuff like that.
ricky: Yeah, okay.
karl: So we've interfered with evolution y'see?
karl: But then it was sayin' well whats the future got?
ricky: Well yes in one way we have interfered with evolution yeah. The evolution of the human being in society is changing, it's not- it's no longer based on the strongest or the fittest because medical science can keep us alive long enough. People can pass on their genetic material, where without this civilisation, they wouldn't have been able to. So yeah, um it- it's- there are different parameters, there are different pressures, there are different things that say whether we're gonna pass on our genertic material or not, okay? So in that sense you're right.
steve: And that , Rick. As far as I'm aware, has led to a yoghurt you can eat and have a conversation with.
karl: So this is what it was sayin' it was just sayin' y'know we're livin' in mad times and that, y'know, there's a lot of weird stuff goin' on.
steve: One of which is:
karl: And the fella was just sayin' uh y'know with computers and stuff like that the way it is, uh, we'll be able to wake up...
steve: Go on
karl: 'ave a chat with your yoghurt and 'ave something to eat.
steve: What do you mean have a chat with your yoghurt?!
karl: Because of the amount of- I mean, you have them yoghurts already, those friendly yoghurts. Those bacteria friendly ones, so this is just a really friendly one.
ricky: Yeah they don't- *laughs* oh God! I might burst! Do you know what? Sometimes Karl I think we're having a chat with a yoghurt. There can't be any difference!
steve: Yeah but then I'm always reminded that would be more entertaining, that would be more informative.
ricky: U2 - city of blinding lights, I'm gonna see them next week, at Twickenham.
steve: Well enjoy that.
ricky: Looking forward to it.
steve: Thanks again for letting me know about your uh-
ricky: Old nobo and edge and all that. Now listen. You just got an email there saying "can you turn up your microphone Steve"
steve: Apparently my voice is a little bit quiet.
ricky: Karl has to do one thing, make sure we're heard, that's all he has to do.
karl: Well I can hear him. Sounds fine to me.
steve: Hmm well not to the listeners and that's who we're trying to please
karl: One person so they can't even.
steve: Yes, but we've only got one listener, so if he's not happy we're buggered.
ricky: (laughs) You allowed to say buggered?
steve: Umm, hmm.
ricky: Not twice certainly.
ricky: Once could have been a mistake.
ricky: Twice, pointing it out, is definitely, yeah, complaint material.
ricky: Now, Karl. Karl. You haven't told us about your holiday yet. You were meant to do it last week and you didn't.
ricky: He started telling us but we didn't have time, 'cause we had to do monkey news about a monkey who was a director who cared about lighting and stuff.
steve: Is there more monkeys news this week?
ricky: It it where? Ahh, okay, is there, is it real monkey news? Did it happen or is it mostly embellishment in your round, little head?
karl: Its proper stuff. Proper stuff, its proper stuff.
ricky: Yep. Okay good. So holiday, where did you go on holiday?
karl: Uhh, Sardinia.
karl: Yeah, it's alright, yeah. Ahh, nice food an' that. Its important innit?
karl: And nice beaches and what have you. I always like a nice, long beach to walk down.
karl: But ahh, so we're having a nice walk, right. You know how ahh, nudists do me head in?
ricky: Not a problem though is it? It's not like being scared of spiders where they might jump out under the chicken, 'chicken sink?' Kitchen sink at you. You know what I mean. It's not a big problem having your head done in by nudists.
karl: Yeah, but it's just, it just annoys me. It's sort of ruins the day a little bit, 'cause it, it, it makes me uncomfortable.
ricky: Right, take clothes off if you feel uncomfortable. That's much more relaxing.
karl: Yeah, but. Well anyway right so I'm walking along the beach, right. Lovely, long beach and what have you. You know, watching the sea, picking up shells and that. Looking at...
steve: Now what are your? What are you wearing? What's your natural beach clobber?
ricky: When he say picking up shells I imagine he's like on all fours, going, "ongh, ongh." Like that, you know what I mean, like looking at things. Just like, washing his nuts in the sea, to, to get, to get 'em tasty.
steve: Yeah, going into the sea and then kind of shaking himself and all the water flies off.
karl: I just got you know, flip-flops on, pair of shorts...
ricky: Bit noisy flip-flops.
karl: And a, and like a little, a little light shirt.
karl: So anyway, walking along and ahh, Suzanne goes, "Oh look." All right. And there's this woman. German I think. Ahh, coming out of the...
ricky: How could you tell she was German? Underarm hair?
karl: Well I'll get to it. Forget the underarm hair.
karl: She came out, it looked like she was smuggling seaweed, right.
ricky: (laughs hysterically) I'm going to burst. I am going to burst. Oh god.
karl: And the, the funny thing is, right. She ahh.
ricky: Smuggling seaweed. Oh god. She was a bit hairy down there was she?
karl: She, She ahh. It... Mental. I felt bad cause I hadn't had a shave for two days. Right, looked at her. Just, it was ridiculous. She might as well have kept her trunks on. It was just like she was wearing furry trunks, right. So anyway. So, I'm walking along. So.
ricky: Yeah, go on then.
karl: So Suzanne's like, "Look" and I'm like, "Oh, not again."
karl: You know cause every time we go away there seems to be one of these
ricky: Is she by herself, this woman?
karl: Well, the weird thing was she was with her husband, right, but he had shorts on, he's happy, right. But every time, like, cause I walked past 'er and he sort of ran off, 'cause he's, he's embarrassed. Do you know what I mean? Cause there's nothing normal about it. What can he do? He can't go like "alright mate"? 'Cause he knows it's, it's odd. Right.
steve: How old was he? Sorry, how old was she?
karl: It's hard to tell when someone hasn't got clothes on.
karl: You know, I mean, it's... they, they always look older don't they, when, when they haven't got clothes on
karl: Anyway, but I'd say she was about... 40? 41?
steve: Okay, right.
karl: So um.. so yeah, so I walked passed, and the annoying thing is, sh- she got there on a bike. Right? No clothes on, little pair of boots... next to the bike. So you can wear boots just pop some shorts on, you know what I mean? That takes more effort, for me, putting boots on. So put the shorts on.
karl: So anyway, the husband kept running off. I walked past and, and I'm getting annoyed, 'cause I'm saying we've got to walk past them again on the way back.
ricky: I like the way they're scuttling away when Karl walks past, like when you lift up a bit of, sort of iron sheeting in the woods and loads of mice run away.
ricky: It's like whenever Karl goes that nudists run away.
steve: Nudes- yeah.
karl: But no, so, so, we sort of come walking back and what have you and, and, you know, I have a- another look and what have you
steve: Why are you having a look, why are you having another look if it offends you so much?
karl: Well... you might as well just... just have a look, you know what I mean, if she's putting it on show and what have you, but the interesting thing was that I just wondered whether the husband...
ricky: If the husband would have been nude you would have looked at his tackle, 'cause you remember when you went to see those two strippers and it was a woman and man, and they whip their shorts off, you said you looked at his tackle first.
karl: I think any bloke would.
karl: You would, you just check it out, it's natural innit, you just go, oh right..
ricky: Go on then
karl: Everything's normal or whatever. Because you don't know.. do you know what I mean, if what you've gots right until you've seen someone else's.
karl: Do you know what I mean?
ricky: Yeah, go on
karl: Anyway, so um, but he got us talking 'cause I was, then, as soon as I saw her, sort of, day's been ruined a bit. So I'm walking on the beach
ricky: Day's been ruined!
karl: Walking up the beach with Suzanne going "How does it happen"? Do you know what I mean? "Why do people do this"? "What's, what's, what fun are they getting out of it?" And what have you, and um, I just was thinking, is there any chance that that fella, right, didn't even know.
karl: That she was a nudist until they went away?
karl: Do you know what I mean? 'Cause I said to Suzanne if... Say if I met Susan it's like we're getting on, yeah, everything's fine.
karl: And then you go off on holiday, and you go "You haven't got much, uh, luggage".
karl: And she's like "No, no this is fine, this is plenty". And I'm thinking "that's weird". And then we go down the beach and she whips her knickers off.
karl: I'd, I'd be annoyed, but there's nothing I could do. Do you know what I mean?
karl: So I'm just wondering whether that's what happened to this fella. Every time someone came walking up he was like, "oh God, this is embarrassing", and he kept nipping off.
karl: Finding something else to do
ricky: Look at some shells
steve: I'm wondering Rick, it at some point, maybe today or in future shows, we should get a nudist. You know, one of those official nudist spokespeople, you know, because there's all these nudists organizations, get 'em on the phone, justify themselves to Karl, because you know... in, in his mind they are... What would you say, weirdos, freaks?
karl: I just don't... I don't quite get it. I was reading something in one of the supplements last weekend, and some journalists went round to some, uh... whatever you call it some... resort
karl: Or whatever for- for nudes and that.
steve: A nudist colony, sure.
karl: And it's just, that-
ricky: Were they playing volleyball?
karl: Well, the annoying thing was... bowls.
ricky: Why is that annoying?
karl: Well, don't play a sport where you've gotta bend over.
steve: Neil Young, from the album Zuma, and that's, uh, Pardon My Heart.
steve: On XFM 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington. We've just had an E- a text here that says, and I don't know what truth there is in this, as ever, but John says there is apparently a "nude bike ride" today in Hyde Park.
steve: Now, I can't believe that's the case because I don't think it's allowed, is it? You can't ride around with your... your veg out can you?
ricky: I don't know. I don't know.
karl: Why would you want to?
steve: Well... it's a good point.
karl: On a bike.
steve: "On a bike." I love the fact that that's what disgusts him.
ricky: Whoever I- I- I want- do you know what? If we did appeal for a nudist to call in? I'd want a very specific sort. I don't want a little- I want- I want a German nudist. A middle-aged man called Helmut.
ricky: If there is any- or the closest one to it. So I want a middle-aged man from Germany, if your name is Helmut you're in, but I'll accept... I'll accept Hans, uhm... Carl would be good, wouldn't it?
steve: Okay. All right.
steve: I think, I'm- I'm wondering if the age might... maybe we could- could we- could we broaden that a little bit?
ricky: Okay, just a German- a German nudist bloke.
ricky: Could he at least be fat?
ricky: Could I find a fat German fella? If your name's Helmut we're gonna give you a big prize.
ricky: But, you know, any fat German fella who likes to get his sausage out.
steve: His "sauerkraut."
steve: What's the phone number?
karl: Uh, oh eight seven one, triple two, one oh four nine. It would be good just to get an email or a text over the contact, wouldn't it?
karl: And then I can just call them up in the week.
karl: And, uh...
steve: Eighty three nine three six is the, uh, text number. I think- I mean, I don't know what our, uhm, our audience demographic pans out like, Rick, but I'm suspecting that's probably a fairly small fraction of our listenership, the, uh...
ricky: I know, but you know.
steve: The fat German nudists.
ricky: There must be someone out there. If you know a fat German who likes to get his tackle out- the phones are going. Phones go-
steve: Straight away. Straight away.
ricky: Just answer it, Karl. Just answer it. Just- pot luck. Just-
karl: No, cause it could be anything.
ricky: Well let's just see what it is!
steve: No it could be- to be fair, it could be a Nutter. It could be a Nutter.
ricky: But just say hello! But just if [unintelligible]
karl: Well if it's important he'll stay there, won't he? He'll stay there.
ricky: Well answer it.
karl: Let's leave it
ricky: Answer it.
karl: Leave it.
ricky: Answer it!
karl: Aw, you see this... it's gone. He's gone.
karl: There you go, he bottled it, so. Just as well.
ricky: Well you took too long to answer it. You don't-
karl: There's a vicar in, uh...
karl: Australia who's... who's started, sort of, doing his services, and all that, in the nude.
ricky: Hot innit though, out there.
karl: Yeah but churches aren't.
steve: Where'd you get this information?
karl: Churches are pretty cold.
karl: That's, uh- It was on, uh, on some website, which is-
steve: Course it was. Yep.
karl: Just saying about uh, a- a vicar, and that, whose, uh- There's a lot of nudists, and that, who want to get married. Do it. You kno- you know. Don't mess about with the wedding dress, and that, just... just nip up.
steve: Cheaper, innit?
ricky: Well, I- I suppose- I suppose it's how, uh- I suppose if you believe in God, you believe that, uh, that's the way to be, innit?
ricky: 'Cause "Adam and Eve" and that.
steve: Yeah, but then in Adam and Eve they- the shame made us, uh, dress up didn't it?
steve: Eating the apple and things.
ricky: Yeah, but God didn't want that, did he?
steve: No, he wanted to see it all, he was loving it. He's having a whale of a time, getting an eyeful of all of that and then the snake said cover yourself up.
ricky: Snake, stitched them right up. So if you believe in God, which clearly I don't, do you believe in God, Karl?
karl: Uh, I dunno, I don't really worry about it, it was ages ago on wasn’t it. So, you know, if He’s about whatever, whatever. I’m not that bothered, Adam and Eve's pretty interesting though, innit? .
ricky: Well, how is it interesting? He made, he made, he made man, made out of dust, then he, just because he could, he’s having a laugh. Then he made her outta one of his ribs, again, He liked to vary a little bit. Then they had two sons, which gave rise to the entire human race, what was going on there then?
karl: What would have happened if they didn't go on? That's interesting.
ricky: Sometimes with pandas they don't fancy the other one, do they? They go, “Well, that's my choice, one? You’ve brought me one Panda from Lisbon Zoo and I've got to shag that? What if I don't fancy em?” What if they bring in a right, a right slapper?
steve: Do you think that?-
ricky: What if it’s the equivalent of like, Love Island?
steve: Well I imagine it was like Celebrity Love Island
ricky: Yeah, and they're going like, “I'm not shagging that slapper, every, every panda in the world has seen that dirty old mot in magazines. Why am I meant to mate with it? I've got some dignity”
steve: Are you talking about Adam there or Panda there, or both? Either is fine I suppose.
ricky: (Laughs) Pandas
steve: Do you think Adam had any say when God was making Eve? Was he saying, “Can you make, make, the boobs a bit bigger, would you?. I'm sorry but I’m a bit of a blond guy, I’m into blonds really. Sorry. I don't know, did he have any input, or was it just?
ricky: I don’t know, Well, I suppose...
steve: Well, it was one of his ribs.
ricky: I know, but he's probably restricted you know. “Well, I'm working with a rib, Adam. Give me a break, there's only so many things I can do.”
steve: Well he was probably, is probably in kind of intensive care with, with the whole thing.
ricky: They go, “Well I can’t just keep making the boobs and things bigger because her legs will get shorter and I don’t want short legs.”
steve: Well, make her legs longer.
ricky: I don’t mind no legs, I don’t mind no legs.
steve: As long as the boobs are sizable.
karl: I’ll tell ya, I’ll tell ya what’s weird though Steve, everyone's heard of like Adam and Eve, Yeah? What's the surname?
ricky: Yeah, where’d they get their post from, unbelievable?
steve: Now, listen, before you play the next tune. We should, just, we were trying to mop up some stuff from the last couple of shows which we haven't dealt with yet. One of which is an obsession of yours because, we’re on a radio station.
steve: Ricky and I, we come in, we bring in CDs, music we love, it means so much to us. We adore it. You, You don't really care about music, you work at a radio station, it's just, eh, you know, I don't care.
karl: No, I do, I do
steve: No you don't
karl: I do like a good track. I don't like everything that comes out and everyone Raves about
ricky: Yeah, you thought the iPod wasn't worth it because you can you name the five tracks you'd like, what was it? It was, In the Ghetto, Babushka, Living in the City. What was the other one, Killing of Georgie? And there was one other one, something, and you just only like songs with a story.
karl: Yeah, But then there's a reason to listen to it
ricky: No, only once
karl: No, because you might forget the ending, listen to it again?
ricky: Well you might.
steve: Anyway, you've been listening to Babushka quite a lot, is the right? It really got into your head. Now, you're trying to decipher the story.
karl: When I've been sort of asking for songs with stories, people will text and email in, whatever, and I've had I've had a couple, you know, last time we did the show, so I've gone, ah right that sounds interesting, and Babushka when I was away on holiday, I listened to a few times because I like the story. It's got a little story going on.
steve: You got some thoughts on it, though, have you?
karl: We have a listen to--
steve: Well let's have a listen to the track and then I know you've got some queries you'd like to raise.
karl: It's just about a woman, isn't it? Who, I don't know, she's ugly or something, aged badly, and her husband gets bored with her. Have a listen to it.
ricky: XFM. You're listening to Magic 105.4. All the way back to 1979 - Kate Bush, Babooshka.
steve: So, um, we would like your suggestions for songs which have stories in them, which may entertain Karl, they could shoot to the top of his list.
ricky: What do you think of that, Karl? That as a little story there?
karl: I like it, but--
ricky: So she she tests her husband, yeah? She writes him letters. She gets a letter back, it's a pseudonym, Babooshka's her pseudonym, it's not her real name. Her real name is Molly Strenk from Ealing.
ricky: And in response, she says "Ooh," so in real terms, he's having a bit of an illicit affair behind her back. She doesn't know it's his wife. So then she goes, "Ooh, I'll take this a bit further, see how far I go." He turns up, she turns up, you know, he gets it on with her and he's falling for her because she's acting like she used to act.
karl: Yeah but so is he just playing along with it? Was he like, I know--
ricky: No, no, it's not because they'd have said that in the song! And they don't leave it up to--
karl: Some people do that, don't they? To sort of spice the relationship up.
ricky: Well he wasn't. Kate Bush would've said, "By the way he's playing along." She'd have given us a clue.
ricky: He's not, he's fallen for it. She went along incognito. He thought it was another woman.
karl: But how much work can you do to yourself to? Say like, I wrote a letter to Suzanne, right?
karl: Right, saying--
ricky: She'd know it was you, it'd have egg stains on it, it'd be spelt wrong and you'd sign it, "Karl," crossed out, "Babooshka."
karl: I wrote to her, I won't pick Babooshka.
karl: That's a ridiculous name, that wouldn't have worked anyway. You'd just get a vision in your head of, I wouldn't have answered a letter from someone called Babooshka.
ricky: It's not the point! If Kate Bush is listening, please call in 'cause I'd love her to have a conversation with you. I mean, that would be good. Forget Helmut, no no Helmut, you keep trying, a fat German. We want Kate Bush and a fat German.
karl: What I mean is though--
steve: Now, wait a minute. What worries me is he didn't answer the last phone call. What if Kate Bush does phone in?
ricky: If anyone knows, if anyone knows Kate Bush, give her a call now. She's probably not listening. She's probably doing yoga or something I imagine or making a lentil soup or maybe just repotting some plants, right?
ricky: But, or practicing piano, right? But if anyone knows Kate Bush, got her number, call her up now, say tune into XFM. There's a little bald Manc fella who wants to talk to you about Babooshka.
karl: But how much--
ricky: But Helmut, don't worry you'll get your chance. The phones are going, that could be Kate Bush.
steve: That could be Bush, you'd better check it's not.
karl: Don't worry about it. It's not Kate Bush.
ricky: That could be Kate Bush!
karl: I know for a fact it isn't.
ricky: Answer it!
ricky: Half Light by Athlete on Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington. Karl.
ricky: Two o'clock. Let's get rockbusters rolling.
steve: I should just um, if people aren't familiar with rockbusters, then uh, someone has actually sent in one of their own to test Karl. Um, they've used, I think, the same principle that Karl has, which is,
steve: You know, utterly random.
steve: Well as you've said before -
steve: Really, just, just,
ricky: Not really cryptic.
steve: Just try and think of something that he might be thinking of.
ricky: Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
steve: So um, I'm gonna, I mean, she's done it quite coherently but I'm wondering if I should sort of say it more as Karl might say it, you know, just slightly less.
ricky: Well, different every time.
steve: Yeah, slightly less coherent. So um, Karl, this is one for you, alright?
karl: Go on.
steve: You know, it's Sunday morning. You know, um, just, you know, I'm in bed, but I want to sleep. You know, but like Hollyoaks is on, the Omnibus, I'm just watching that, you know. Um, I've got to make a lovely cup of tea.
steve: You know, in the bed with Suzanne, aren't I? Having a cup of tea.
ricky: What's going on there?
steve: Just watching the telly and that, but hang on. I ain't got anything to dunk in me uh, in my tea. Haven't anything to dunk in my tea, have I? You know, I haven't got anything to dunk in there, and I'm just having, you know, what, what am I doing?
ricky: Is it L B?
steve: It's L R.
steve: L R. So, have a think about that one, Karl.
karl: Ah, I think I know it.
ricky: Do yah?
steve: Yeah? Go for it.
ricky: Go on.
karl: Is it Lionel Rich, Richie?
steve: It is Lionel Richie. What's your logic?
karl: Sort of, lying in, lying ill. And it's like,
steve: No, no rich tea. No rich tea.
steve: No biscuits. No rich tea. Lying no rich tea. Lyin-ill Rich-tea. Lionel Richie. It works, it's just as, just as incoherent as with yours.
karl: We've done one, we've done one a bit like it.
steve: What's that?
karl: We've done one a little bit like it. There's naught wrong with that.
ricky: I cannot believe you got it.
karl: So that's, that's the type of stuff.
steve: He got it instantly.
ricky: I cannot believe you got it.
karl: I might not have got it without the initials but that's why we chuck them in, just to help you along.
steve: Christ, what've you got for us this week?
karl: Right, so we got, we got three of them.
ricky: Oh, by the way, don't bother calling in, Kate Bush, cause Karl doesn't want to answer the phones. He says "Kate Bush is not gonna call so he says we're all gonna be nutters" so we apologize. He's got one thing to do. He didn't even get the sound right cause someone's complained about they couldn't hear Steve. He's gotta do monkey news, which is always twaddle. And he won't even answer the phones now, so I don't know, I don't know why he gets paid. He takes off Mondays -
karl: I don't.
ricky: Cause he works Saturdays -
karl: I don't.
ricky: He gets paid for Saturdays. He takes five weeks holiday a year.
karl: Not off Mondays. Not off Mondays anymore.
ricky: And it, and he moans.
karl: Not off Mondays.
karl: Right, uh.
steve: Rockbusters. What've you got for us?
karl: Right then, the first one. Uh, there's a vehicle that sells kebabs. Alright?
karl: There's a vehicle that sells kebabs. Initial D. Right? D.
karl: Alright? You worked that one out?
ricky: Of course I haven't!
karl: Alright, the second one. Um, you're asked if you want that bit of the egg.
ricky: You what? You what? You what?
karl: You're asked if, if you want that bit of the egg.
karl: You think about it, but be uh, sort of decide against it.
steve: And again?
karl: What's going on there? You're asked if you want that bit of the egg. You think about it but you go "nah, I'll go against it." Right?
ricky: I've, I've got it. Is it -
ricky: W Y O
ricky: Got it.
karl: Alright, so.
ricky: That one, that one works.
karl: Mmm uhh.
ricky: No it doesn't. No it doesn't. No it doesn't.
karl: Uhh and the last one. I don't think this bird -
karl: Burger will catch on.
steve: I don't think this burger will catch on.
karl: Yeah. And the letter there is M. So you just, uh, text or email in, uh, with the answers and uh, win some stuff. What've we got?
steve: We've got some prizes. We've got another box set of The League of Gentlemen.
ricky: This is instant gratification but uh, you go into a draw for some, something bigger so what've we got today?
steve: Yeah, well today, this is what you're taking home today. Uh, you've got The League of Gentlemen, the complete collection on DVD. That's not, that's worth having, definitely. Uh, we've got Catterick, which is the current Vic and Bob shellbooths two, which is uh, good. The Aviators, the um, the award winning, um, the
steve: Um, the Leonardo DiCaprio Martin Scorsese biopic, and once again, Ladder 49.
ricky: We're giving that away again, are we?
steve: Yeah, yeah, apparently we've got
ricky: Oh, can we get a job load of those, have we?
steve: We've got loads of them!
ricky: Oh! Excellent!
steve: Yeah so email in if you just want a copy of Ladder 49. I'm sure we can dig one out for you.
ricky: Yeah, yeah. Or phone in cause Karl does not answer the phones.
ricky: And remember the winner goes forward in a chance to win the big prizes. The signed homer drawing, the signed Nigel Tufnel poster. If you go to ricky gervais dot com and see Matt Groening actually drawing that.
ricky: To uh, to verify it. A bit of Lloyd Cole won't, never hurt anyone, has it?
ricky: Lloyd Cole Impossible Girl on Xfm 104.9. Well.
steve: Rick, I'm just reading an email we've had and it is indeed true. Scores of naked cyclists will be wheeling around London today in a mass protest against oil dependency.
steve: The World Naked Bike Ride will see the arresting sight of up to 200 daring riders bearing all in their cycle past some of the capital's most famous landmarks.
karl: Have they got to wear an helmet? Are they against wearing a helmet?
steve: Well, I don't, I, I think they're trying to make a statement, I would imagine. I don't know.
ricky: Well, they don't have to wear a helmet. It's not law to wear a helmet on a bike, is it?It's for your own safety; it's sensible. You're right, yeah.
karl: Well it's also sensible to just pop some pants on.
karl: Just pop some pants on.
steve: Are you going, are you going to be popping down there and cheering them on?
karl: I'm not, I'm not going anywhere near it.
karl: What, What're they going against? What's the problem that's going on?
steve: Um, oil dependency? I think generally, we're consuming too much oil, aren't we, in the world and it's gonna run out one day.
ricky: Talking of um, campaigns and uh, things and that. Um, did you see um, Sir Bob on um, Jonathan Ross last night?
steve: Sir Bob Geldof?
ricky: Sir Bob Geldof. Uh, um, you're gonna walk to uh, Edinburgh or South of France, Karl? What'd you think of all this, the G8?
karl: Uh, I think it's good that, you know, he's, uh, he's doing some stuff for the world and what have you, but probably won't, won't bother -
karl: - having a walk.
steve: What'd you make of all this, all this campaigning? You know, he's dedicated his life to this now, hasn't he?
karl: Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's interesting. I was watching him last night. Uh, I respect the man. I mean, he used to work here, didn't he? Did some shows and that.
karl: It's good. It's alright that, that he can do it, but -
ricky: I assume that's not why you respect him. I assume you respect him cause he's trying to save a nation as opposed to 'used to work at Xfm for a while'.
karl: Yeah, I know, but I'm just, I'm just saying is, uh
karl: It's good, that. He's given up a lot of his time to try and save the world and that but you know, there's a bit of me that's kind of like, you know, is he wasting his time a bit? You know what I mean?
ricky: Right, what do you mean, wasting his time?
karl: Well, he tried it before and--
ricky: No, wait. Wait, wait, wait. What he's trying to say is that the G8 are the, I think the seven most rich wealthy nations in the world and Russia and they get together and they can wipe out the third world debt.
ricky: I.E. they owe us millions and millions of pounds, they can't afford to pay it back. So he's gonna say, "Let's wipe the slate clean" and pledge, I think, a lot more aid and stuff to them, isn't it?
ricky: So what do you think of that?
karl: But won't they just do it again?
steve: Right, what's your thinking?
karl: No, I just mean--
ricky: I knew, I knew I had a little diamond in the rough here. I mean, obviously, yeah I admit I brought this up 'cause I really wanted to know what Karl thought of it.
ricky: Yeah, I had ulterior motives. It wasn't just for awareness for the very worthy cause. It was because I know - look at him looking at me! Look at him. He looks at me like a cat. Honestly, it's like is nothing behind those eyes. Right, what do you mean?
steve: They're just gonna run up the debt again is what you think?
karl: Well, what I mean is, right, when I was a kid, right? And I wanted to go to the arcade. I'd borrow a quid off me mam, right? And she'd say, "Don't come back asking for more," and what have you. I'd have a go on a pinball machine or whatever, game on a fruity and then go back and she'd go, go "Can I have some more money?" And she goes, "I gave you a quid before," and I'd go, "I know, but I'm on holiday," and she goes "There you go then." And I'd go off and do the same thing. I didn't go "No, I wasted the last one. I'll pop this in the bank."
steve: So you think that's what's gonna happen?
ricky: It's a nice metaphor. So what do you think happening there, the Africans are blowing it down the arcade?
ricky: Instead of putting it towards a fishing rod, they're blowing it down the arcade. They're trying to, they are trying to, "I'm trying to win a watch."
ricky: Look, I've got a hundred goes. I think this thing is dodgy. I'm trying to win a fluffy toy.
karl: It's just that I--
steve: Yeah, Bob's saying "You're never gonna get the Snoopy."
ricky: You're never gonna get the Snoopy!
steve: It's always gonna fall out of the little claw before you--
ricky: It's rigged! The claw is not strong enough! Do not waste the, oh no, Midge!
steve: Midge, we have to write a song!
ricky: Midge, write another song! Mate, they've blown it down the arcade! Brilliant.
steve: So that's your genuine logic, is it?
karl: Well, I just don't know. If they put me in charge of it, I don't know what I'd do. I just think it's a--
ricky: Can I just say, that will never happen. Can I just say to London.
ricky: And anyone listening on satellite.
steve: Sleep easy.
ricky: Yeah, don't worry. Karl is not going to be put in charge of G8. It's not gonna be him, Blair, Chirac.
steve: That would be a joy if it were.
ricky: That would be amazing.
steve: But anyway, so let's assume in some alternate universe you are in charge.
ricky: What would you do?
steve: Monkeys, obviously. It's like Planet of the Apes.
steve: What's, what are you gonna do? You're the only, you know, only person with opposable thumbs. What's your solution?
karl: We've done a lot of it, haven't we? We've sent, you know, money out there. We've sent them clothes and that.
ricky: Yeah. I mean, have you? You say we, have you sent?
karl: I've done loads for charity.
ricky: Go on.
karl: Oh loads, I've done loads of stuff.
ricky: Well what?
karl: I give stuff to Oxfam.
ricky: Yeah. What, stuff you don't want anymore?
steve: Yeah, junk you mean.
karl: Well yeah, but it'll be all right for them. I mean, I said to you the other day like, when they collect clothes for over there, I don't know. None of my stuff's going to fit them well.
karl: But what, but, but the thing is, I do loads of charities. I do loads of things like uhh...
ricky: Go on.
karl: I pay, I pay for tools, you know, I do that thing. A monthly payment of a fiver.
karl: Paying for, uh, you know, toolbox and that for someone out there. I help old people, which I'm gonna stop, to be honest.
karl: Cause, umm, d'you know this- d'you know this thing I do, Steve right?
karl: This is- this is a fiver a month as well, right? Got- got uh- got stopped in Leicester Square one day. They said, uhh, ah "There's a little old woman somewhere, she's cold, are you gonna help
karl: Her out?"
karl: So I was like "Oh, why me?", right?
karl: So anyway. So, they said it's easier if people look after one old woman, right? So-
ricky: "Why me?"
karl: I've signed up to look after this old woman called, I dunno, call her name June or whatever it doesn't matter. So-
steve: It does to her, but go on.
karl: So, uhhh, so anyway, so I'm paying this fiver a month, and the- and the first fiver, you know, uhh, first time I paid it I got this thing in the post, right?
karl: And it had, uh, you know, "Thanks a lot Karl", uhh, "You're looking after June".
karl: Her she is, you know, here's a little, uh, picture of her and she's sat there, what have you, with her cardigan on and what- and stuff like that. Every five pound you pay, you know, it'll be cheering her up and, you know, look after her, pay for her food and what have you. So, for a bit, you feel good, don't you, and you think "Well, I've done me bit, for the world".
karl: Anyway, two months later, get another package, right? Picture of June in there again, she's got a tan.
karl: So he's saying, he's saying "You're paying to keep her warm."
karl: Didn't know they meant a week in Majorca, or whatever.
karl: And this is- this is what I mean! People tek'n the p- if they can get away with it.
ricky: Ahhh, ohhhh.
karl: That isn't-
ricky: I don't know where to start!
karl: That isn't having a go, though. I thought I read-
ricky: What do you think, so what do you think, you think they're going, "Don't- don't bother, don't bother, um, getting a job or anything, Geldof'll be here to help ya, Geldof'll be here, it's June, yeee"
karl: Ahhh, ohhh, I dunno, it's difficult, innit? It's difficult. So I'll-
steve: So you think, Sir Bob should just was his hands of the whole affair. You think it's a complete waste of time, is that what you're saying?
steve: So you should just leave them to it. Just leave them to it. Let 'em sink ever more into debt, ever more into hunger. You just think, that's just carr-
ricky: I think-
steve: Just carry on!
ricky: D'you know what I think he's saying? I was thinking- I think, I think, now I'm notwannaput words in your mouth, are you saying, "They blew the last lot we gave them, they've gotta learn their lesson?" Is that what you're saying?
karl: No, I'm not- I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say that.
steve: Is that what you're thinking?
ricky: What're you thinking?
karl: M- uh- I'm not thinking anything like that. All- all I was thinking is about this gig, it might have been better to do it, like, rather than, I don't know, ruining a grass field in Edinburgh and that, do it out in Africa, right? Get people out there, get the tourist... up, d'you know what I mean, get a load of people out there...
karl: They've got loads of-
ricky: I don't reckon he's gonna get people to walk to Edinburgh, I very much doubt-
karl: Nono but-
ricky: People are gonna fly to Addis Ababa to see Coldplay.
karl: Cheap flights, and what have you.
karl: Hot dog stands and that, locals will love that, all right? Job done.
ricky: Brilliant. Let's put him in charge.
steve: Yeah, just for one day.
ricky: Let's put him in charge of Live 8- If Bob Geldof is listening, I know, I know, uh, you respect him because he used to work on XFM.
karl: No but he's done a lot as well.
ricky: If Bob- Bob, if you're listening, plea- I would love- Oh my G-God, uh- c- uh- conversation, Bob Geldof talking to- forget Kate Bush forget Helmut-
steve: That will be amazing.
ricky: Can Bob please call in and speak to Karl? No one call except Bob so we know it's Bob calling. Right, get on the phone.
steve: The phone number, what's the phone number?
karl: Can't we talk to him next week?
steve: He might be busy next week.
steve: He's got stuff to organize.
karl: Don't, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. He can talk to us next week, alright? I'm not gonna go and go through the phones. It's mental.
ricky: Play a record.
karl: Alright. What're we having? A bit of uh, Killer?
ricky: The Killers Somebody Told Me on Xfm 104.9. Tell you what - talking of um, starving. I went to what is meant to be the best restaurant in the world on uh,
steve: Oh yeah?
ricky: On Wednesday, yeah.
steve: You must be famished.
ricky: Uh, well, Jonathan uh, Ross, uh, booked a table there. It came out, I think he's been trying to get there for a while, and uh, um, I think he said waiting list and everything, right, and uh,
steve: What, you've got to be walking straight in.
ricky: You can always walk straight in with that.
ricky: And uh, uh, me and Jane went along with him and Jane to The Fat Duck in Bray. It was voted the best restaurant in the world.
ricky: Okay. And um, it was incredible. I mean, it's a cross between a restaurant and sort of barnum. They take you, just, incredible, but all the way there, I'm thinking well I, I, I can't eat stuff in normal restaurants. I can't eat, I don't eat red meat. I'm squeamish about things like seafood. Anything, anything that's a little, got too many legs, or was a crustacean once, or feeds on worms.
ricky: I, it was, I knew that one of their, um, signature dishes was snail porridge. So I'm thinking "I'm not gonna be able to eat anything here." So I'm thinking I had something to eat before I went.
steve: Good thinking.
ricky: I was thinking that they better not have mucked around the bread, right? Got there. Beautiful. Um, and uh, it was, it was, it was really quite fantastic. And, and I let them know straight away, um, that I was a philistine and they really accommodated me, you know. I didn't have the snail porridge.
ricky: They put um, mushrooms in my snail porridge, which was more risotto, and its tasting menus and that, and it was, it was, um, uh, really fantastic. But, Jonathan halfway through on the way there, I don't like travel well, on the way there, he actually phoned me and said "Why are we taking you to this restaurant?"
steve: Good point. Very good point.
ricky: Uh, uh, they know even if I go around there, they cook me sausage and mash.
ricky: Or, do you know what I mean?
steve: Well, you are, you have the palette of one of those kids from the Jamie Oliver school dinners program.
steve: Whose, they've's got the lovely Jamie Oliver cooked, you know, kind of uh, Ratatouille.
ricky: Yeah, yeah.
steve: But they're going for this sort of chicken twizzlers.
ricky: Well there's nothing wrong with chicken, I like chicken. I like, I chicken I can eat. I'm squeamish about red meats. There's nothing I've, it's a mixture of it's not uh, it's not morals. There's only one thing I don't eat morally and that's veal. But the other thing else is that if it's got eyes and legs and things sticking out of it or if it's pink -
steve: But it hasn't got eyes or legs and things sticking out of it!
ricky: I know but -
steve: What are you talking about?
steve: I mean, it just infuriates me. I actually got to a point now where I can't,
steve: I refuse to eat out with Ricky cause I can't, it just sucks the life out of me. It actually makes me depressed. I can't enjoy the experience. If you go to an awards do, they bring out a lovely grub, lovely food, you know three courses.
ricky: Always lamb.
steve: And you're whinging.
ricky: Always salmon!
steve: And you're always whinging!
ricky: Which is hardly cooked, followed by lamb.
steve: Lovely bit of lamb! Who doesn't think lamb is the best of all the meats?!
steve: And you just, you whinge, you complain, you look at Jane like a little boy who's like "ohhh mom why have you brought me here?"
steve: You are just, oh, and I tell yah, I put it, I don't, I don't want to
steve: You know, bad mouth people, but I suspect it's your family. I suspect it was your upbringing. I imagine, you know, I imagine it, if I came to your house, you know, late 60's, early 70's, came around to your place in Reading, it would have just been the smell of chip fat.
ricky: Hold on.
steve: Just everywhere. Prevailing, just one of those chip fat fryers that's just yellow, it's like constantly. 24 hours -
ricky: But I used to eat things.
steve: - a day, just bubbling away.
ricky: But I used to eat beef and pork and that and, I used to have to, eventually, when I was getting sort of squeamish and getting older, I'd make it burn it so much that it was just like chewing on a piece of leather anyway. Where I couldn't, I couldn't stand it if there's the sight of blood or something.
steve: A salad in your house would have been.
ricky: I'll tell you what a salad is.
steve: A pickled onion and a packet of crisps.
ricky: No, a salad in my house, right, when it was summer, we're out in the garden, a lovely salad, grated cheese, grated egg, two bits of beet root that you leave, um, uh, a pickled onion, and a packet of crisps.
ricky: And uh, that was, that was uh, that was a salad. But -
steve: Now is that, is that, do you agree that that is probably the reason why you've got this, this, this, this palette, and I don't even -
ricky: No, I, I, I, I -
steve: It's not even a palette. That's too loathesome of a word to use for it.
ricky: I've got more squeamish as I've got olderer. Cause I say I used to, I used to eat beef or pork, or -
steve: But what do you mean squeamish?! I don't understand what you mean, squeamish?
ricky: If I suddenly think about it, I can eat, I can eat like, uh, but cooked, like uh.
ricky: It has to be blasted, it has to be unrecognizable an animal, you know, I mean, I mustn't see a bit of pink or a bit of fat, or -
steve: So if we, if we were in biblical times, -
steve: And you're there, and Jesus Christ has just fed 40,000 with some fishes and some loaves, you'd be going "I'm not into the fish, JC" and -
ricky: I'd say "take the head off, cook, really cook, take the skin off, there's, I can see a bit of spine, and while you're gutting -
steve: Unless that bread is mighty white, I'm not interested.
ricky: Yeah no.
ricky: Yeah, but the thing is what he hasn't said is well, um.
ricky: He gets frustrated to have to go from restaurant to restaurant for something I can eat, but the reason we've only got about three restaurants to choose from, at that, because he doesn't wanna spend more than a fiver at lunchtime.
steve: At lunchtime!
steve: If I was going out of an evening, you'd spend a decent about of wallop. But -
ricky: Would yah?
steve: Why'd you spend, you'd be happy to spend 20 quid! On lunch! Imagine that every single day. There's no one out there who's eating lunch, 20 quid a day on lunch. It's crazy, you don't need that much food at lunchtime. Cause we, I'm, I'll tell you what happens. You go in there, you have some kind of, you know, Thai green curry for lunch. You're asleep by 1:30. We're trying to work!
steve: We're trying to write TV shows and you're dozing off like one of those giant anacondas that's just eaten a sheep.
steve: And it's slowly digesting it, it takes like 3 weeks.
ricky: He doesn't, he, Karl, he does not like to spend, he, he, he'll go, he'll walk a mile out of his way to get a sandwich, or -
karl: And having that argument over that 50 p that time, right?
karl: I don't want to bring that back up again, but -
steve: No. Here's the situation, Karl. I leant you 50 p and you decided you weren't going to pay me back. It should be to my discretion if I say "don't worry about it, Karl." You should offer me the 50 p, go "there's that 50 p I owe you", and I'll go "don't worry about it, Karl". But you didn't even do that!
karl: Nah, it's the way that you were like -
steve: I said "where's my 50 p?" You went "oh you don't need that." That's not your decision to have!
karl: I didn't, I didn't say that. I said "I, I'm, I don't think I've got it at the moment." Or whatever.
karl: And going through me pockets and that for 50 p. Ridiculous.
ricky: You've just given him a keg of beer for free, haven't yah?
karl: Well, let's not go over it again. I mean -
steve: I just, I just think that value for money is important. Like, now, okay, so for instance in the morning, I have to get the tube. But you can get a, a, a travel card, zones 1 and 2, right? It's about 4 pounds 70, I think. But, before 9:30, It's about 6 pounds 50.
steve: Alright and then at 9:30, when the clock literally on the clock ticks over to 9:30, it's 4 pounds 70, right? Now, sometimes I'll get there, I'll be about 20 past 9. Now you'd be saying to me, "aw, just spend it, just spend it." And I'm thinking, I've got 10 minutes, I'll perhaps read the paper, wait for it to click over to 9:30, and then I'll get a cheaper ticket. Now surely, that makes sense! Surely, that's logic.
steve: Don't you, I mean if you were in that situation, Rick, if you were there, right, and you had, let's say you had three minutes to wait before 9:30, what would you do? Would you stand there and wait?
ricky: No cause waiting to me is worse than anything.
steve: It's madness. It's madness.
ricky: I can't stand queuing, I can't stand, no, no, I'll pay yeah.
steve: How long would it have to be before you'd wait?
ricky: I, I, I mean -
steve: If there was a minute on the clock to go, would you wait?
ricky: Uh, if they literally said "if you wait 30 seconds", it's, I'd, I'd go "um, alright."
steve: Well that is the case. That literally is the case.
ricky: Yeah, okay, but not ten minutes, no. Not worth it.
steve: What'd about you, Karl?
ricky: I'd feel flash, if it was 30 seconds, I'd feel flash going "I'd spend 3 pounds" but if it was like a couple of minutes, I'd go "Ah, it doesn't matter", I, you know. I just, I just wouldn't.
steve: Think about how that tops up over the years.
ricky: Amazing. Karl -
steve: What about you, Karl, would you do it?
karl: It, it depends wouldn't it, what your job is and that, if you're a doctor, you've got to get to, you know, go and save someone, or whatever, you can't say "aw just ten minutes." Depends. Depends on the situation, depends. Most of the time, I've got to get in work early, I can't be hanging around til half 9 -
ricky: Well you don't though, do you? I've, I've, I've called him around to film -
karl: So you know, I've got stuff to do. The film and that.
ricky: And he was, uh, he was, I've seen him do one day, right? I've seen him for one whole day. He went away, he fell asleep at, um, quarter to 8 in the bath cause he was knackered.
ricky: So, you know, he has 5 weeks holiday a year, he's taking the piss.
karl: Forget it.
ricky: Feeder - Pushing the Senses. Quite a food related sort of, uh, show, isn't it?
steve: It is, and thinking of gluttony, did you see in, uh, I think it was Heat magazine, um, it was former pop idol winner Michelle McManus.
ricky: Oh yeah.
steve: She's lost considerate, she's lost a lot of weight.
ricky: Oh yeah, she's lost 5 stone, hasn't she?
steve: Uh, so, basically the headline was, um, "I used to eat, uh, 12 packets of Doritos a night". At night. 12 packets of Doritos.
steve: I just like the idea that you've got to 11 packets and you're thinking -
ricky: One more will do it.
steve: Still, still a bit peckish.
ricky: One more will do it.
steve: Unbelievable. But someone sent in a couple of odds and ends, news stories you know, they've gleaned off the web. And apparently, uh, Britian's fattest family have shed 23 stone. Um, they uh -
ricky: What, one of them died?
steve: Between the five of them - oh come on - between the five of them, the Phillips family from Worcester weighed more than a hundred stone. Jesus, and -
ricky: Well, how many are there?
steve: They spent - there're 5 of them - they spent 300 pounds a week on food.
steve: Um, an evening meal consisted of an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet and another ice cream stop at McDonald's. Uh, the mom, she was generally happy, like Carly's, but she said she used to get upset when she couldn't, um, buy clothes for kids because the shops didn't stock anything above XXXXXL. Um, but uh -
steve: It says here that, it says Mitchell, 13, was the heaviest of the three, weighing at 27 stone by the age of 4. He was Britain's fattest toddler weighing 10 stone.
ricky: Is that competition still going?
steve: He broke five bikes.
steve: He broke five bikes by uh, buckling the wheels.
ricky: Oh, that's embarrassing.
steve: I know you're not a fan of fat kids, Karl.
ricky: Chasing an ice cream van.
ricky: But the bike just fell apart.
steve: Maybe now he's on that nude, uh, bike ride, you know, cause he's lost some weight.
ricky: Oh, that would be painful, wouldn't it?
steve: That would, that would be extraordinary.
ricky: If one of them buckles.
ricky: Well, I've got another food-related, uh, IM here. Now, Karl, I got a little email via my agent sent from someone here. Okay, so sent from someone at, um, Xfm. Okay, and
ricky: She just said uh, "I thought, um, this might be, ah, good for Ricky to use on Saturday." And, obviously what happened is Suzanne has sent you an email in the week, it was Wednesday, and you've returned it, but I think you returned it to the wrong email address. You returned it to someone here who, of course, immediately forwarded it to my agent for ridicule on the show. Don't panic. It's nothing that bad. Okay.
ricky: It's an email from Suzanne talking about your tea that night. Was Suzanne out on Wednesday night?
karl: Was the, uh, an England game, or summit?
ricky: Yeah. So, so you were alone, you were home alone, were you Wednesday night?
ricky: Did you enjoy your meal? Was it, was it a quiche?
karl: Go on.
ricky: Right. From Suzanne. To Karl.
ricky: Take the quiche and put it on the baking tray. Cook for 30 minutes on a hundred and ninety. Take lettuce and put on plate. Take 3 tomatoes, wash, and chop into quarters. Place on lettuce. Take an avocado, chop in half, remove the stone.
ricky: Peel skin and slice. Place on salad. Put salt and pepper on and a dribble of olive and balsamic vinegar dressing.
ricky: Right. In brackets, small bottle behind the cafetiere. Right, in case he's reaching for bleach.
steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ricky: Right, that's a, you have to put everything else away. Right, then sprinkle a smidge of parmesan on top. Remove quiche from oven. Cut into quarters and put on plate. Eat.
steve: Oh wow.
steve: Does she have to do that every single time she's out?
ricky: Look at his face!
karl: No, it's just that, I'm not that good at cooking, right? Umm, and to be honest, that, that was a lot of hard work.
karl: I didn't bother warming it up.
karl: And I did without the avocado.
ricky: Why? Why?
karl: Too much messing about.
ricky: He didn't even do that. With instructions, it was too much.
karl: But uh, yeah I'm not that, I'm not that good at cooking and that.
steve: Did you genuinely, that's not cooking though, is it, Karl? That's just slicing -
ricky: Just heating up a quiche. That's, cooking it is making the quiche.
karl: Yeah, but I'm, I'm just, I can't, I can't be bothered.
steve: Do you, could you have figured that out if she hadn't left that note for you?
ricky: Why does she have to tell you what the olive oil and balsamic vinegar was?
karl: Because I've, I've, I've put sort of cooking oil on me food once and I've said alright that's a bit -
karl: It's ever since, right -
ricky: I'm gonna die.
karl: Year, years ago -
ricky: I'm gonna die.
karl: Years ago -
ricky: Oh god like leaving a Mr. McGill at home. I just -
karl: It was, it was ever since I put sausages in the toaster that, uh,
ricky: Oh god, what do you mean?
karl: I nearly -
ricky: What do you mean?
karl: I nearly set my flat on fire. Cause d'you know like when you're grilling food in a pan and all that?
karl: Sort of sausages spit and it goes everywhere, dunnit? And it makes everywhere greasy.
ricky: Sausages in a toaster.
karl: So I thought, well, just wanted to warm em up.
karl: Put em in the toaster.
ricky: What happened?
karl: And she sort of caught while she -
ricky: They got stuck and then sort of caught on fire, I'd imagine.
karl: She, she, well, she came in just as I was sort of plunging it. And what have you. Came in from work, said "what are you doing? what are you-?" and I said "I'm having sausages."
karl: "Well the oven isn't on." "I know, they're in here." "What're you - turn it off!" Panicking and that.
karl: But, I've had, I've never been into it. I've never been into cooking and that. School and stuff, I didn't bother doing it.
ricky: Oh god, oh, every time Suzanne comes home, she must think "please be the house still there."
ricky: "Please, please don't let me hear a fire engine."
ricky: As I come round this corner. Oh God, she comes h- oh God. Thank God. I bet she's always happy to see you when she gets home and you haven't burned the place down, or introduced some howler monkeys or something, unbelievable.
steve: But I- what I find extraordinary is there are people who are in, sort of, Care in the Community, who don't need instructions-
steve: On how to prepare food.
ricky: Oh they no they they can do it, yeah, you show 'em once-
steve: Yeah. And they've learnt it.
ricky: And they- don't- "Whatever you do, don't put sausages in the toaster, Johnny!" D'you know what I mean?
steve: Yeah. And they've learnt it.
ricky: And they- they don't- they don't put sausages in the toaster.
steve: Yeah. They put their fingers in.
karl: Right, are we doing, uhh, Rockbusters answers-
karl: Let's play a song. We'll play a-
ricky: It's what London's waiting for!
karl: I'll tell you what, we'll play a song, and do- Rockbusters, yeah.
ricky: Why not? It's worth waiting for!
steve: Plus, have we still got Monkey news to come?
ricky: Roxy Music with the, uh, the old Dylan classic Hard Rain's, on XFM 104.9.
ricky: Mixing it up, just mixing it up, mixing and matching.
steve: Ah yeah, throwing in all kinds of stuff.
ricky: We've got a Neil Young, we've got a bit of, uh, Roxy Music, we don't care, do we?
steve: A little- right up- bang up to date with some of the latest tracks from Feeder and the like, so.
ricky: Yeeaaaahhhhhhh, big time.
ricky: But, uhhh, it's what they've been waiting for, it's the Rockbusters answers-
steve: That's right.
steve: Okay, give us the clue, give us the answer.
karl: Right then, uh, first one was-
ricky: Hurry up, cause we haven't got long for Monkey News.
karl: Don't worry about it, don't worry about it. First one: "there's a, there's a vehicle over there, that's uh-
ricky: That's changed.
karl: Selling kebabs."
ricky: Oop, it's changed, go on. Mhm.
karl: Initial 'D'.
ricky: Yeah, what is it?
karl: That was Donovan. Doner Van.
steve: Alright, yeah, okay.
karl: Yeah? That works.
ricky: Good. I'll give you that. I'll give you that.
karl: Second one-
ricky: That's a real clue.
karl: Well, they got it, like they always do so, they're always real clues. Uhh, second one:
karl: "You're asked if you want that bit of the egg." Right? "You think about it, then you decide against it."
ricky: I think I know this one, what was the initial again?
ricky: Um, is this, um, uhhhh, John Lennon's, um, wife 'Yolk Ono'?
karl: Yeah that's right yeah.
ricky: I think that was her name, 'Yolk Ono', wasn't it?
steve: Yeah, it was 'Yolk Oh No'.
ricky: That- that was-
steve: It was 'Yolk- Yolk Oh Nooo'!
karl: Nah, no, no!
steve: "Yolk? Oh no."
karl: You've got it wrong. You're thinking about it. You're asked if you want a bit of the egg-
karl: You go: "Yolk?", you think about it, "Ohhh, oh no."
ricky: Oh, so you say it twice- you stutter?
karl: No-no! No, no, no...
ricky: So it's "Yolk, Yolk Oh, Oh no"?
karl: No you're- you're doing it wrong.
ricky: No, her name's 'Yoko Ono', though.
karl: Yeah, Yoko Ono.
karl: Listen to the clue again.
ricky: Ok-, yea- no no nah nah nah nah ahhhhuhh!
karl: Listen to the clue.
ricky: So, what you say is "d'ya- d'you want this bit of the egg? Oh what, the yellow bit? Nah." "Yolk? Oh... oh no."
karl: That's right.
ricky: "Yolk. Oh, oh no. Yolk, oh, oh no! Yolk, oh? No no! Oh, yolk!"
ricky: Yeah, go on, brilliant. Yeah, okay, yeah, 'Yolk Ono' yeah, go on, yeah.
steve: Works perfectly.
ricky: Yeah, no- yeah, next-next-next-next, yeah yeah, yeh.
karl: And the last one was, uhh, "I don't think this burger will catch on". That was, uh,
karl: Initial 'M'.
karl: Right? So, there's your three clues-
ricky: Whatcha- whatcha- hold on what d'ya mean, "It won't catch on."
karl: Well, who'd want to eat that.
karl: D'you know I mean, it's like a Mac burger, or whatever, Mac... Mac Chicken, Mac Fly.
karl: Don't want one, put it back, I'll have a chicken. Aight?
karl: So who's- who's got the-
karl: Who's got the three then?
steve: Well, well done to, uh, Ian Shillam, from Mansfield who's, uh, got all those answers right, amazingly. And he go- he wins all those great prizes, including, uhh, Ladder 49 starring Joaquin Phoenix and John Travolta, which I don't think anyone's ever seen.
karl: Well, there's 49 of 'em. So.
steve: And, um. And he wins that, but he also goes forward, as you say, to the big draw, which will
ricky: And it’s to win the signed Homer, saying, “I like Karl because he’s stupid like me” and you can see Matt Groening drawing that to know it's real at rickygervais.com, and you can win that and a signed Nigel Tufnel poster.
steve: It’s a Ricky and Steve Classic on Xfm, Sugar - “If I Can't Change your Mind”
steve: So listen, it’s time isn’t it? We've only got a few minutes left, so you better play the jingle
ricky: Oh, chimpanzee that, monkey news.
steve: So monkey news, if you've only just started listening to the show, Oh you poor fool, monkey news is where Karl reports for us all the latest monkey activity
ricky: A headline or a word or someone- something overhead in a pub and then totally embellishes it and makes it ridiculous and impossible. He believes it though. He believes every word he's saying, let me say that. Before you hear - when you hear this, whatever it is - I haven't heard it - twattle - remember Karl totally believes it, Go on...
karl: Right? So anyway, right, I think it's in, ah, in LA this happened.
ricky: “I think”, why’s he think?
karl: So these people are in a restaurant having a lovely meal
ricky: Is one of them short and hairy, but it goes-
ricky: Totally covered from top to bottom in a space suit, so they didn't know it was a monkey?
steve: It's not one of the customers, one of the waiters?
karl: So they’re having a lovely dinner. Probably one of the best sort of dinners have had, right. So the waiter comes over and it's like, you know, “Can we just say that we’ve had a lovely meal and that-”
ricky: Right, It's the chef
steve: Course it is, can we see the chef.
karl: So can we just, you know, see, see the guy that cooked it. Yeah.
ricky: Yeah, short fella, hairy, wearing a balaclava.
steve: Don’t say much
karl: To be honest the waiter said look, he's busy, he’s got meals to cook, and what have you , he hasn’t really got time. They said, “it’ll only take a minute”- he said, No, I prefer-“
ricky: So this is a restaurant in LA that serves brilliant food?
karl: “I'll pass your message on and what-have-you, right? So, umm...
steve: So he sends for Monkey P.A.Y.
karl: It’s a bit odd. Anyway, So, they go out, they go out to the car and they notice the kitchen doors open.
ricky: Yeah, of course they do because they’re going to discover something I don't know. Hold on, just, just out of interest where’d this Chef train? Before, before we see him or reveal, you know, what he might look like or like to eat.
karl: So anyway, so so they pop their head in think we'll just we'll just nip in and go “love, love, love the fruit salad whatever”
ricky: “We better see the human chef”
karl: You’ll never guess what.
ricky: Go on-
karl: Monkey stood on a chair, right, cooking veg. All right. So anyway, so they’re like, “what’s going on there?”
ricky: What do you mean he’s cooking veg, what’s he doing with it?
karl: He’s stood on a chair by the cooker, and he's chopping, chopping.
ricky: He’s chopping as well, there’s a little embellishment
karl: It's got a little, you know- it's got the bosses in there. They’re like a bit shocked, so he's a bit panicking, because you've got this monkey working for him. So they say to him, ‘What's going on here. We didn't know this, this is what's going on. You know, why have you got a monkey cooking stuff.” So he said well-
steve: Incidentally, a monkey, I should point out that probably doesn't need instructions from its girlfriend.
karl: Oh, Forget it.
Season 01 Episode 01
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Season 02 Episode 28
Season 02 Episode 29
Season 02 Episode 30
Season 02 Episode 31
Season 02 Episode 32
Season 02 Episode 33
Season 02 Episode 34
Season 02 Episode 35
Season 02 Episode 36
Season 02 Episode 37
Season 02 Episode 38
Season 02 Episode 39
Season 02 Episode 40
Season 02 Episode 41
Season 02 Episode 42
Season 02 Episode 43
Season 02 Episode 44
Season 02 Episode 45
Season 02 Episode 46
Season 02 Episode 47
Season 02 Episode 48
Season 02 Episode 49
Season 02 Episode 50
Season 02 Episode 51
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