XFM Vault - S04E05 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

ricky: Forever Lost - The Magic Numbers. And the magic number is 104.9. Xfm. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Right. Two more shows. Till we're off air for don't know how long.

steve: Is that two more, including this one?

ricky: Yeah. No, no, no, this is one. And then there's another one.

steve: Right two more shows...

ricky: There's two more shows, well start in now, if I said this at the end, it might have been ambiguous. I said at the beginning, there's 2 hours. That's a whole show. So there's two more shows.

steve: So two more shows. Including this one.

ricky: Yes, obviously.

steve: So one more show after this one.

ricky: It's only five past one.

steve: One after this show. One more show.

ricky: Now there's only one more show. Good night. Now, it better be a good one Karl. Have we got uhh, Rockbusters?

karl: Yep.

ricky: Check. Have we got Monkey News?

karl: Check.

ricky: Is it a real monkey news or is it somewhat that's slightly made up.

karl: Always is...

ricky: What?!

karl: Always is once you check.

ricky: Okay, nob news?

karl: We got a bit of nob news.

steve: I'm worried that nob news, because it's only about penises, is a little bit sexist. Have we got any fanny facts? Could we Maybe - can we sort that out for next week? I don't want to alienate our female audience.

ricky: Welcome to Minge London. Good, I'm glad that's that, well, brilliant. We got a song with the story.

karl: Yep

ricky: What is it?

karl: I don't want to sort of tell you what it is yet, because the song isn't that great.

ricky: Oh good.

karl: It's not a song that's like an Xfm song, but every time I hear it on, say, like, magic or whatever -

ricky: Yeah...

karl: I have an argument...

ricky: 105.4

karl: Yeah. I have an argument with Suzanne that, know you, what I think it's about. And she says, "don't be stupid, it's not about that". And I say no, it is.

ricky: And so we're going to decide who's right. Well, I don't know what song you're talking about and I don't know what the argument is, but Suzanne's right.

steve: Definitely.

ricky: No doubt about it.

karl: We'll have a listen. But I'm hoping that once people sort of listen to it again with my thoughts....

ricky: Well, this song sums up what people should think of you. It's Don't Believe a Word. All right? That's the sort of links I'm capable of.

steve: If that doesn't bag us a Sony then nothing will.

ricky: Thin Lizzy - Don't Believe a Word on Xfm 104.9. I'm going to miss this show. It's been good.

steve: You might be the only one.

ricky: No. Well, you know. So we'll come back again. We got a lot to do over the next few months, but maybe Christmas or just after. But I still call Karl every day anyway.

steve: Oh, sure.

ricky: I called him a couple of days ago.

steve: Course you did.

ricky: And I went uhh - it was the weekend - and I went, "what you doing?" and he went, "Uhh, just in Regents Park and that" I went "what you doing" he said "just going - Oh! Jesus!" I went "what?" he went "a caterpillar just fell out of the sky". I went "what!?" he went "A caterpillar just fell out of the sky. God, it's there. It's wriggling around" I went "sure a bird didn't just drop it?" he looked up and went "oh, yeah. There's a bird".

steve: For a moment he thought caterpillars were raining from the sky.

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