The Ricky Gervais Show

XFM Vault - S04E06 Transcript

Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant returned to XFM, the alternative London-based radio station in September 2001 after the first series of The Office had been broadcast. Due to the phenomenal success of the show, Ricky was important enough to now be given his own producer, one Karl Pilkington. Although Karl was hired to just "press the buttons", Ricky and Steve got him involved more and more with the show over the subsequent weeks and soon became fascinated with his personal life, unconventional childhood and ridiculous stories. By the end of the first season Karl had become a crucial part of the show's success.

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ricky: One day. The Mr. Ben Folds. We've landed, on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, and little Karl Pilkington and his magical, little, manc-y, round, baldy head. He was described as uh, "Wacky Manc" in one of the papers this week.

steve: Really? Brilliant!

ricky: Well. Remember, we were talking about it last week, about he came round to my house, and I popped out my Mr. Johnson?

steve: Sure

ricky: For him to take a little look at-

steve: And his two two - doors-

ricky: That made the papers, that made the papers.

steve: Wow, what-what paper, it wasn't, it wasn't front page of The Times. It must have been, like, the Daily Star or something

ricky: Just squeeze Live 8-

steve: Yeah. Say, yeah.

ricky: -to the, onto the second page. Yeah, so Wacky Manc-

steve: Wacky Manc, that's great, Karl Pilkington.

ricky: We have an email from someone who reckons they remember you from your body popping, round, Salford Way.

steve: Yeah, Echols Precinct, Apparently,

ricky: You know-

karl: I wasn't doing it round there, though -

ricky: Why, what do you mean?

karl: I was round Stretford, Stretford Arndale.

ricky: And what were you doing, what sort of body popping was it?

karl: Just a bit of everything, caterpillar, uh, bit of moon walking.

steve: Did you have a little piece of Lino you used to carry round?

karl: Well, mates had that, just borrowed theirs, borrowed theirs

ricky: Were you any good? Well you weren't breakdancing, were you? You weren't spinning on your head and stuff. You were more body popping.

steve: Well I hope you weren't spinning on your head, you know that can sort of give you brain damage and things.

ricky: It can give you brain damage, also it can wear your head down, also it makes head perfectly round.

steve: Yes

ricky: Because gravity is pulling on -

steve: If you keep on doing it, obviously it's gonna wear your hair out.

ricky: Yeah, so you become, sort of like-

steve: Stupid-

ricky: Stupid, bald and roundy headed so, so I very much doubt that you did do any of that. Did you, Karl?

karl: Didn't do any of that. So you're shooting off then, in a minute, aren't you?

ricky: Well, yes because we were trying to make poverty history, Karl.

steve: Yeah

ricky: People are making poverty history all over the place. They're putting on a wristband, and it seems to be working because I haven't been poor for ages.

steve: I haven't been poor.

ricky: Alex had a stop bullying.

steve: Alex was wearing a stop bullying wristband, and as he himself said he seems to have sorted that out.

ricky: You haven't been bullied for ages.

steve: I haven't been bullied for years.

ricky: So wristbands, wristbands work.

steve: I saw one in a shop window the other day, which said, um, "Stop Child Abuse" and I bought one, obviously, because, a lot of people say, you know, "does it make a difference?" but it was only a quid, and I'd've only spend it on kiddie porn, so I think a made a little difference there, in a small way.

ricky: On a serious note, I like the idea that, "stop child abuse" and you're a paedophile, and you're walking along the street in your mac right, You gotta -

ricky: Puppy in one hand, a bag of sweets in the other and you see this wristband, "Oh, stop it. Oh, okay then"

steve: Yeah. I hadn't thought before, but that's made me think-

ricky: Okay, fair enough. Yeah. Well, I won't be doing that again.

steve: He was hanging around in Topshop, for unsavory reasons. He saw them in there for only a quid.

ricky: Karl. We haven't got long up. We've got an hour and a half, but we gotta shoot off. I gotta shoot off, down to Live 8, and then introduce R.E.M. So we've got a lot to pack in. We've got the RockBusters, and then we give away, I just saw those um, I'll finish your sentence in a minute.

steve: I look forward to it.

ricky: I'm getting excited, I'm getting excited. We've got so much to pack in. I've haven't got time to finish all my - so listen, right? Do you know the things we're giving away, the signed little Homer, the Nigel Tufnel thing, and the Flanimals, right, looks brilliant. They've done a brilliant job, the people here at XFM. So take back all you were saying about them, Karl - Look at his face.

steve: Also, We should say as well. You've still got a chance to win that, because if you get todays RockBusters you go straight into the Hat, for the big draw, so you still got a chance to win all those Top Prizes

ricky: Play a record.

karl: Bit of -

karl: Monkees?

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: The Monkees, Pleasant Valley Sunday, Alright? Do you like that Karl?

karl: It's alright, yeah. What's it about?

steve: Well, if you heard, it was a sort of description of you know, typical Suburbia wasn't it?

ricky: "Here in status symbol land."

steve: It's a sly dig

ricky: When the monkeys get a bee in their bonnet about something, you better not -

steve: Oh, You do not want to be on the receiving end of that.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: We got a good song with a story later.

ricky: Go on, what do we got?

karl: Eh, Don't want to tell you yet.

ricky: - All right.

steve: Now, is it as pitiful as last week's where you somehow misheard that Eric Clapton song? What was the Eric Clapton Song?

ricky: "Wonderful Tonight" and he was convinced it was about a bloke in a wheelchair for no reason, no evidence, at all. "And then she's walking around with me."

steve: Yeah.

ricky: "Well, yeah walking around -with me- "No, No"

steve: "I walk into a room and then everyone's head turns - to look at her", which you didn't seem to-

karl: "Helps into bed"

ricky: 'Cause he's drunk, had a few.

steve: Oh well, never mind

ricky: Well you are totally wrong, again

steve: Big Day, Karl, 'cause there's lots going on, and I know, Karl, it's very important for him, that he champions Live8.

karl: I don't know what's going on. I don't know what- I am sick of it, to be honest.

steve: Sick of what?

karl: Just sick of reading about it. Sick of this Live8 thing, sick of it all.

ricky: Brilliant

karl: Fed up with it.

ricky: What annoys you particularly?

karl: It's not only that today though, Is it? On the way in today, all right, saw a gay fella on a bike.

karl: On a bike, rushing. What time did the gay march start? What time do they have to be?

steve: Why are you looking at me? I don't know.

karl: No, but he was, was rushing, left it late, so he had a late night again. So my points right about 'em.

ricky: What, What's your point about them, to people who just tuned in?

karl: Well the fact that they go out late, so, you know, that they sort of have a nice night out from about half-past eleven. They're ironing their jeans at like, half past ten.

ricky: Ironing their jeans, their leather trousers.

karl: But anyway, right.

ricky: They're cutting the back out of their leather trouser at about half ten at night.

karl: On my way in, right, I see one stressed out, rushing, right, on a racer - wearing high heels.

ricky: Oh, I love you, he's 50s dad, isn't he. He's- he's getting angry. He's just angry.

steve: If you're a gay fella and you're um, you're proud to be gay, but you also want to make poverty history, you don't know what to do today, do you? You're racing all over the place, must be murder, seems a bit, unfortunate, they put them on the same day.

ricky: Yeah, well you can get, you can get little-

ricky: Um, little leather, studied, uh, wristbands to make poverty history. So, you know, you can, you can, you can join in both.

steve: Yeah, you can kill two birds with one stone.

ricky: Yeah

steve: But why's Live8 stressing you out? It's for a good cause, you must have, um - I know discussed this in the past, and you don't really know what you're talking about.

karl: But I mean, maybe that's the problem. I'm just, uh, I don't know. I mean, I could, I could have told them ages ago that was no way that they were going to pay it back. I knew that was gonna happen.

ricky: I love that, but they didn't consult you.

ricky: Did they? When they were lending out this money, willy nilly, to people who were dying. You could have a quiet word with them.

karl: All I'm saying is

ricky: You could have said to Harold Wilson, “Harold, you're not gonna get this back mate. You are not going to get this back mate.”

karl: When I wanted a mortgage I had to supply three wage slips, is what I'm saying. I was double checked out, loads of times.

steve: I'd like to see, have you ever seen that guy, Alvin Hall, who gives financial advice to perhaps teenagers who don’t know how to spend their money wisely.

ricky: All right -

steve: Perhaps like to send him over there, he’s the guy with the bow tie.

ricky: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

steve: Perhaps like to send him over there, just sort of have a chat with them, and say make, make a list of what you’re spending it on.

ricky: So he's basically, will you be annoyed if they drop all debt, and double aid and everything?

karl: No, because I mean, you know, people sometimes need help and that, don’t they, you've got to help people out. But -

ricky: Yeah

karl: It's, it's, it's how many times, is the thing. Know what I mean? Let them off, but, but, do I, you know, I've got this monthly payment at the moment, haven’t I?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: I'm paying for tools, for people out there who need a drill to build a house or whatever.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Am I now in my right to say, “Well, you can’t have it all, do you want the drill? Or do you want the debt canceled?” This is what I'm saying. And, you know, I'm all happy to help people out-

ricky: Do you think they’re taking us for a mug? Is that what youre thinking?

karl: Well we’ll see, wont we? Time will tell, know what I mean. If next year at the same time, Geldolf’s putting on another gig, I'll go, “what's going on there?”

ricky: Geldof putting on another gig,...”what's going on now?”

steve: I think you're missing out on the true meaning of today Karl, which is an opportunity to see Keen for free. I mean, that’s the problem.

karl: I don't want to go, I don't like crowds and that, do I?.

steve: Right

karl: Can’t be doing with that, I don’t like big crowds, People, I was talking to people at work about it, and then we say, you know, you know, it's a big occasion. It's one of them events that you've got to be down there, because in years to come when they say, you know, were you there.

karl: I don't see what's good about having a memory - being stuck in a crowd of hundred and fifty thousand people, I prefer to do something nice. So if I would have like a nice cake and a cup of tea, all right, in years to come when they go “do you remember that day when we were all cramped” I’ll go “No, I was having a nice cake, an’ a cup of tea.” So I've got a nice, nicer memory than them. I, so, I believe in doing something nice on a big occasion, do you know what I mean, on a special day. Do something nice, remember that.

ricky: Thing is, you will have got a nicer memory than them, because when you look back, and their saying -

ricky: “What were you doing 20 years ago?”, your memory will tell you - you were actually having a cup of tea and cake, but with a chimpanzee that could talk English. That's what your memory will tell you, “Oh, I was out with my mate, Marty, he’s a chimp”, and it just, you’ll, you'll be in coocoo land by the time you're 50, you'll be just wandering around going, “That was great, that day, remember Suzanne?”, don’t know why I’m saying Suzanne, she’ll have left you, she's left. She's had enough of you waking up and going-.

steve: Well she’s down in Hyde Park watching “Bedshaped” live. She’s not worried about cake and a cup of tea.

karl: Have you ever done a March or anything though, have you ever sort of-

steve: What are you saying?

karl: Have you ever, have you? You know, you're having a go at me for not getting behind it all, right, which I am, because I've got more standing orders going out of me account for charities than anything.

steve: Right

karl: But are you, have you ever got behind a, you know, a problem?

ricky: No

steve: I don't think I have, to be fair. No. No. No, I am quite slack in that respect. It does take a lot of effort though dunnit?

karl: Well, it depends, what sort-

steve: Well, you know, if you’re gonna do one of those walks from John O'Groats to Land's End or something. That's a lot of time commitment.

karl: There's one, I tell you what, there is one, that's, that looks all right, on um, Portland Place, just off Oxford Street. There's always uh, just a little Chinese fellow, sat on the pavement. Al'right?

steve: Oh, I've seen em. Yeah,

karl: What's that all about?

steve: Yeah.

karl: He's just that there with a poster, but you don't know what it's for 'cause it's in Chinese.

steve: Yeah

karl: So he's just, just always sat there. But that's a nice, that's, for me, that's the sort of march I want where you just - and he's only there when it's sunny, if its raining they don't bother.

steve: I tell a lie. I did pop down when all those women walked through London in their bras.

ricky: Embrace and "Gravity" on Xfm 104.9.

steve: We've uh, had a couple of texts, people can obviously text in, 83XFM. That's the text number for the big quiz that's coming up shortly, Right Busters, still your opportunity to win some cracking prizes, enter your name in the draw, if you can um, unravel the, I don't know what you call them, conundrums, that Karl sets

ricky: Yeah, sort of...

steve: So we've had a couple of texts.

steve: Obviously we're leaving early today, this is a shortened show, and our last show of this run, but we gotta leave early, we gotta go down and try to make poverty history, but Rob's texted in and he says, "Only an hour and a half today. Well poverty does have some benefits then" So-

ricky: He's a fan.

steve: He understands the show

ricky: Who was that little fellow that used to write in, who hated the show?

steve: Oh, you're right, eh, I forget his name, and I haven't heard in from him for a while, actually. I don't know what happened?

ricky: No?

steve: Maybe he realized that if you hate the show so much the obvious thing to do is to switch off. Maybe that finally dawned on him.

ricky: That's annoying

steve: What' his name's, someone will remind us of his name -

ricky: I like people who hate us to carry on listening.

steve: Yeah

ricky: It just gives it an edge.

steve: Yeah. Yeah, Yeah

ricky: It's, the fact that, you know, that you're annoying someone. I mean, I love annoying people.

steve: I know you do, you're like a kind of walking Chinese water torture.

ricky: Excellent, yeah, Have we got Ladder 49 today?

steve: Rick, there's a number of cracking DVDs, as ever, on rock Buster's; we've got "The Life Aquatic" with Bill Murray, we've got "Harold and Kumar get the Munchies", hilarious stoner comedy, and "Batman the Animated Series", and "Ladder 49" -

ricky: Oh, phew, yes

steve: -there it is. Joaquin Phoenix, John Travolta. Incidentally, if you've ever seen Ladder 49 if you could give us a quick text review on 83XFM, I'd be interested to know if it's -

ricky: - why you've given away one a week, for the last six weeks.

steve: - actually worth watching.

ricky: Well, that's done. Then let's do Rock Buster's for the last time, you can win those amazing prizes,

karl: Alright, umm, as always just a little cryptic clue, some initials of the band or an artist, work it out email in or text in. That's it isn't it?

steve: Uh hm

karl: Alright, the first one, uhh, Richard Kip, Richard's kid-

ricky: - yeah...

karl: Cuts hair for a living. Alright? Richard's kid, cuts hair for a living. Alright? Initials BD. Alright, BD. Richard's hair, Richard's kid cuts hair for living. Second one, I have a problem saying the French word for well. Alright?

steve: Clever

karl: I think that's - that's the right word. Anyway

steve: Right?

karl: I have a problem saying the French word for well, so what's that, the initial there is K

karl: Alright, band or artist. And then the third one, you take 8 kebabs, 2 kebabs, 57 kebabs, times it by 27 kebabs.

karl: Alright? The fella is struggling to work it out. What’s, what’s, what's that? What’s going on there? Alright?.

steve: It's a good question.

karl: DS, DS is the answer there? Eight kebabs, 2 kebabs-

ricky: I’ve got it.

karl: 57 kebabs, times it by 27 or what have you, fellows struggling working out, What is it? DS

ricky: Yeah, Ive got that one

karl: So just email in Ricky.Gervais@xfm.co.uk, or on the text, 83936.

karl: Innit?

steve: Yeah, and you can win “Ladder 49” and those other DVDs, plus you go into the draw which we’ll do before we leave, and you can win the, signed by Matt Groening, personally drawn Homer Simpson. We've got the spinal tap poster, signed by Christopher Guest and there's also the the original artwork of us as Flanimals.

ricky: They've all been framed, they’ve done a brilliant job. It really is. It really is a nice prize. I mean almost too good to give away, a little bit annoyed because-

steve: Is it too late to take that back?

ricky: I was thinking we could sneak in a copy.

ricky: Very bad photo copies, so that it goes gray and no, they’re all originals so keep - get texting.

karl: Alright?

ricky: REM, Night Swimming, beautiful song, brilliant band, I've got to introduce them and I'm actually nervous.

steve: Yeah

ricky: I never get nervous

steve: You never get nervous, do you?

ricky: I never get nervous and I get a little adrenaline rush.

steve: It just takes, what is it, 80 percent of the world's population to be watching you, and you get a little bit jittery.

ricky: And I don't know what to wear.

steve: No. No, this is interesting actually, No, No, no, no

steve: I uhh, for a moment there I was thinking maybe Ricky needs to pop home first, to bring on the band,

steve: But if you are watching it, or if you’re there, obviously you’re not there, if you were there you wouldn’t be listening to this, but if you’re watching on TV, do check Ricky out because; how do you describe that particular look? Ricky's wearing sweatpants. I assume thyre sweatpants, they’re not pajama bottoms, are they?

ricky: Yeah.. they’re sweatpants, they’re sort of-

steve: And you've got just a white t-shirt, cheap and plain white T-shirt and it -basically Ricky is wearing - It's like - he's made so little effort. The only way he could have made less effort was if he wasn't wearing any clothes, and he was just wearing his underpants that he slept in-

steve: - but he's actually bothered to put on a T-shirt, and a pair of sweatpants, and some trainers. How are you - Jonathon Ross will probably be wearing a suit, one of his, you know, expensive suits and-

ricky: Yeah, but he wont be as comfortable as me.

steve: Well true, did it not occur to you for a moment to maybe make slightly more of an effort? Perhaps put on a jacket.

ricky: A jacket’d look silly with track suit bottoms.

steve: Well again, you could have changed the track suit bottoms.

ricky: Oh, Yeah.

steve: They’re a mainstay of the outfit, are they? It's like, they're not changing for anything.

ricky: Yeah. I've got very little things haven't got a drawstring or elesticated waistband,

steve: Yeah, Sure.

ricky: I don't really, don’t want to be bothering with buttons and zips and hooks.

steve: There’s gonna come a point isn’t there, where you're just gonna wear, I don't know, smocks.

ricky: Baby Grow,

steve: Baby Grow

ricky: A Baby Grow with a flap, that’d great wouldn’t it?

steve: - those little mittens

ricky: Or, great, then oven gloves, so I can just get this out the oven, eat it, let it drop everywhere-

steve: Yeah

ricky: Right, and then just get out of the baby grow, put a new one on, a clean one on.

steve: Or those kind of, those kind of red flannel things, with, the, the - which Cowboys wear,

ricky: Oh, yeah

steve: With the kind of buttoned up -

ricky: Yeah, old cowboys. Yeah ground by comes out with the shotgun.

steve: Exactly.

ricky: The long johns. Well, um, how's it going with rockbusters, has anyone got the answers?

karl: Dunno, I haven't been listening.

steve: Actually one guy who's texted in, James in Deptford, he's offered some answers, and he says here the guy who hated us, famously, of course, we should have remembered: "Dicky Anderson".

ricky: Dicky Anderson! Oh!

steve: Richard Anderson, of course. I don't know if Dicky's still listening, if he is obviously email in: ricky.gervais@xfm.co.uk and tell us what you've been doing, how have you been keeping busy and stuff.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: Nice to hear from him.

ricky: Chris Campling hasn't called, has he, either.

steve: No.

ricky: The one that thinks that not only is this whole show scripted, imagine that, right, but that Karl is a character created by us.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: He's actually an actor.

steve: Oh if only.

ricky: Look at that, a shaved monkey we got.

steve: I tell you, if you're gonna go along later to the Live Aid gig and you're probably going to see some bands, they're gonna make an effort to entertain you but if you want entertainment Rick, you know it, there's only one person to book

ricky: Go on.

steve: Me. If I, you, you know, you're perhaps gonna do, uh.. 'cause I mean, obviously I'm a top

steve: DJ on the radio, but, where I really come into my own is DJing in a kind of club environment.

ricky: Well you told me you were DJing, I didn't go to it, DJing at a party, and you said the place was rocking

steve: The place was roaring

ricky: And they loved it. Karl just said he was there and they weren't.

steve: Well that's nonsense Karl. You know very well that when I put on a tune they'd cheer.

karl: Yeah but it was late on in the night. They would have done that whatever you put on.

steve: That's nonsense!

karl: No, they were 'appy, and everything. I'm not saying they weren't havin' a good time, it was your party, it was alright, but they weren't going mental

karl: Like you're sort of making up.

steve: They were definitely going mental.

karl: Nah..

steve: When I put on The Proclaimers they could not believe their luck.

karl: Yea, yea..

steve: They would have walked a thousand miles.

ricky: Was it good though? Was he, were they really, what they doing? Were they, they were dancing, were they?

karl: Dancing and that but they weren't sort of cheering going, you know, "More!" and all that at the end.

steve: What are you talking about! Take On Me came on, they, a big cheer went up!

ricky: I don't know who to believe.

karl: I've been there, done it, Steve, I've been the DJ as well.

ricky: Oh, it might be jealousy. It might be like a.. like a..

steve: Professional jealousy there.

ricky: Yeah...

steve: I think it's because my fortunes are on the up and his are on the down, you know, we all know famously that he had Pilkie's Makin Music, his DJ outfit.

ricky: (together with Steve) Pilkie's Makin Music. Didn't happen. Didn't happen. Didn..

karl: I 'ad enough. I just want to do enough to pay for the equipment. And I did, and that was that. But I don't like crowds do I?

steve: But you're safe, aren't you, you're behind the little thing with the flashing lights.

karl: Yeah, but I don't, still a lot of people and that, forced fun. Don't like that.

ricky: (imitating Karl) Forced foon..

steve: It's not forced fun, you don't have to dance if you don't wanna dance!

karl: Yeah. Don't like it.

ricky: What do you mean your fortunes on the up? Anyway, DJing?

steve: Well I'll tell you, I was

steve: Hired, well I say hired, I did it as a favour to a friend at his wedding during the week. And I got there, I was thinking "yea", 'cause I, you know, everyone wanted to have their little role to play, and people were doing a good job,

ricky: God, I love you taking it seriously.

steve: And I did, I spent ages putting together some CDs. Special selection CDs.

ricky: (laughing) I love that!

steve: 'cause what I did, I burned them on iTunes

ricky: Did you turn up with your own headphones 'round your neck?

steve: Own headphones, wearing a suit that headphones.

ricky: Metal case?

steve: Didn't need it, just had 'em all in one small box.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: I thought this is good stuff. I got some Classics here.

ricky: Give me example, give me example of,

ricky: - the, the first hour, the warm up hour?

steve: Rick, um, I've - I'm coming straight in with uh, Frankie Valli, "Oh What a Night".

ricky: Brilliant track.

steve: I mean when those beats start at the beginning who's not getting on the dance floor?

ricky: Dun dun dun - dundun, den den dun - dundun...

steve: Wait a minute what's this following it up?

ricky: Go on.

steve: It's the Jacksons.

ricky: What? I want you back?

steve: I want you back.

ricky: Brilliant. It sounds good at the moment Karl.

steve: Yeah, So um, I'm thinking like - at least I'm going to - because you know, they laid on a good spread, the ceremony was nice, food was nice. I'm thinking this is going to be the the piece de resistance.

ricky: Yeah

steve: Alarm bells started ringing -

ricky: Why?

steve: When I realized there was a marquee outside, course it's a balmy summer evening.

steve: I'm stuck inside -

ricky: Ohh.

steve: On the dance floor in, so I'm thinking I'm going to be struggling here to get them in.

steve: Even with flavors like this I thought I'd struggle, Rick. So I'm sat there in my suit.

steve: Now, I'm sat round - I'm sat round this little DJ console. I've got through all the big numbers. There's one or two people making some token effort, but frankly most people are outside, having a whale of a time. I was livid.

ricky: Oh, no!

steve: 'Course, they couldn't hear it out there. So I was playing to an empty room really, and I was furious. I was absolutely furious, because I mean what, because, you know, you're wasting my time. I could have just stuck the CD on -

ricky: They're wasting Frankie Valli's -

steve: They're wasting Frankie Valli's time.

ricky: They're wasting the Jackson 5's time.

steve: They're wasting, you know, Deee-lite's time.

ricky: Yeah!

steve: So I'm sat there then is not be as a couple of people making a cursory effort. Mainly when they come to get a drink from the bar. They might have a little quick, you know couple

ricky: You shout, "We don't want your lot, either all of you or no one.

steve: All of you, or no one at all. And, uh, then there's you know a microphone set up, because people have been doing speeches, this little girl gets on the mic, right, it's being funneled through the speaker system. So every time I put my headphones -

ricky: Wasn't Ms. Dynamite, was it?

steve: It wasn't sadly Ms. Dynamite. Although she decided to have a little go at emceeing. She was screeching her little head off.

ricky: How old was she?

steve: Oh, I don't know, eight or nine? At their most annoying, when children are their most annoying, because they got a bit of confidence there, they're cockey. They're not shy anymore, they're a bit arrogant.

ricky: Yeah

steve: She's screeching her head off, so I'm playing you know, and she doesn't know it -

ricky: Oh, I just think of your face -

steve: I'm playing 'Into the Groove', no one's getting into the groove cause she's, she's going mental. She's just going, "Rwwarr, what's this, what's this? I don't know what this is, play something I know.

steve: I haven't got any bloody DJ Ötzi or Crazy Frog. I'm not going to play what... what you - So she's just screeching along ruining it for everyone. I say everyone, there was no one there. So me. She's ruining it for me.

ricky: I bet you were really angry.

steve: I was furious, but of course as well, every time she screeched it went through my headphones. So I, Ugh. And then of course her dad comes along and I'm thinking, "Alright, he's seen what's happening"

ricky: I'm just imagining you in your suit, sweating, getting annoyed at someone ruining your set that no ones listening to.

steve: So I'm thinking alright, her dad's coming over. He's gonna put paid to this. He's realized that, you know, she's causing a disturbance. He comes over there, joins in.

ricky: No!

steve: Sits her on his lap, he should say, "hey" - she's having a whale of a time. I'm thinking, I'm furious. I'm thinking, it's his responsibility to shut her up.

ricky: Yeah, I agree.

steve: He's not going to do anything but what can I do? I can't step in.

ricky: No

steve: And I know very well that if I interfere he's going to say, "Oh, well, she's enjoying herself and no one's dancing anyway" and we were just going to get into a fracas.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I didn't want to start a fight.

ricky: No because, I don't know anything about him but he would have knocked you out, wouldn't he?

steve: Someone would have got knocked out, and I'm, you know, I'm not saying who it would have been, but you know, but bear in mind Rick, that there would have been two of them -

steve: And, um, so I didn't wanna get into a fight with them. And, uh... and he was- I'm playing, anyway, said- my friend came along, he- he realised what was happening, and I didn't have the guts to, uh, to unplug the microphone, 'cause I- they'd have- he'd have known, you see.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So I got my friend to do it when she had her back turned.

steve: So he pulled the plug out, the microphone went dead she went "What's going on?" I went "I dunno what you're talking about." I said "I don't know." She said "Well the microphone's not on." I said "You must have broken it."

ricky: Oh God.

steve: "I don't- I don't know what's going on, someone'll probably make you pay for that."

ricky: Ohh God.

steve: And, uh, anyway at least we shut her up.

ricky: That is great!

steve: But, uh, but it just went- it really went from bad from worse and, and- you know there's that thing when you panic, you start panicking, so you start- you're putting on a lot of flavours that you would have saved to the- the, the last hour.

ricky: What we talking, 'Boom Boom Shake Shake the Room'?

steve: You're throwing- exactly you're throwing them in early, Loveshack's coming on way too soon.

ricky: Really?!

steve: Oh, Loveshack before 11? I-

steve: It's heresy, but I had to do it! But anyway, in the end, I made the bride go and get some people in. I thought- I said "Look, it's your special night, alright, and they're gonna enjoy this."

ricky: "I'll be honest love, this is a washout, and it's up to you-

steve: Exactly.

ricky: - to turn this wedding round,

ricky: Or I'm walking!"

steve: I'm walking and I tell ya, they're going to have a sour memory of this evening-

ricky: Yeah.

steve: -unless you bring some people in.

ricky: So go and get everyone in dancing!

steve: So I- so she got them in at the end, and-

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: And I tell you this, Karl, I mean I don't know what you say, but they were loving it. They were absolutely loving it. A bloke come over and said "Have you got Amarillo?", I said "No", but I put something on even better, 'Delilah'. I have never- I mean, wedding crowds always go for 'Delilah'. Lets f-, uh, a song of course about old man killing his wife, it always goes down very well, strangely, at weddings.

ricky: (laughs) Yeah.

steve: They get into a sort of Hokey Cokey thing

ricky: Yeah.

steve: They went berserk for it. And I was following it up with- I had The Monkees, I had all sorts going on.

ricky: Brilliant.

steve: Course, you know what happens?

ricky: What?

steve: I'm going gor- great guns

steve: People're absolutely loving it. They're rocking it. I throw in umm, uhhhh, ohhh I had something cracking on at the end there, 'Come On Eileen' of course, was on. People are going berserk for it.

ricky: Which unfortunate because bride's name was Eileen.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And, umm, then the bride pipes up: "I'm throwing the, uh, bouquet!" So they all traipse off outside again!

ricky: Ahhh.

steve: I was furious!

ricky: Oh, no.

steve: I grabbed- I plugged the microphone back in I said "What ya doing?"

steve: We got, ya know, but they went out, then of course you cant get them back once they've done that. 'Cause all the women are running around, I've got the b- I've got the b-, y'know, thing

ricky: Ahh.

steve: And then they've got to wave everyone off, throw the confetti.

ricky: Ey ruin- They ruined your day.

steve: I was having a great time and they ruined it.

ricky: She ruined your special day.

steve: She ruined my special night.

ricky: Ahh no.

steve: You know? It's on her head.

ricky: What would you put on about now, Karl?

karl: What, if I was DJing?

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Probably a bit of World Party.

ricky: Go on then.

steve: Interesting.

steve: "Put the message in the box, put the message in the car, drive the car round the world", and I- uh, I'm imagining, Rick, that message is: Make Poverty History. Um, That's 'World Party'.

steve: "Put The Message In The Box", um, Can I just say, quickly, while I think of it, um, we get a lot of emails from people- a lot of texts saying "Can you say- you know, can you send a big shout out?"

ricky: Mm.

steve: Stuff like that. You know, I've just looked at one now, Scott and Julian - Australia, listening. They want a big shout out, big shout out to them. But there's so many people that do it, and I'm obviously... just want to say, sorry we never get to your emails, we're very very lazy, we never really get to look through them, um, but we obviously do appreciate you, emailing in, texting in, stuff like that. Umm, and also, can I say a big shout out to grandparents who I believe might be listening, on their new digital radio. They're pretty high-tech.

ricky: Yeaaahh.

steve: Down in West Country.

ricky: Yeah.

ricky: Are they the Merchants of Bristol?

steve: Merchants, yeah. Props to them.

ricky: Props to them, yeah.

steve: Um... yeah, no. It's a slightly truncated show isn't it today, Karl?

karl: I don't like it. I don't like change and that's what's happened.

ricky: You don't do you? You're like rain man. He really is like rain man. When anything changes he's gotta get in a little routine.

karl: I don't like too much- I'm not like Suzanne's mam and dad and what have you, where routine cannot change, no matter what.

ricky: Like what?

karl: Well... we've talked about it where y'know they've- it's a tuesday, I'm 'avin' sausage, egg and chips, no matter where I am... that's what they're like.

ricky: Right.

karl: That's what they'll remember actually. When I'm sayin' about- stuff about Live 8 and all that, y'know people will remember. If people said to her dad, y'know "remember Live 8?" He'll go "what day was it on?" "tuesday." "well I had sausage egg and chips." Nothing changes.

ricky: *laughs*

karl: But the thing is today, normally we have a bit of a- y'know, I know what we're doing where and all that and it's all sort of messed up.

ricky: We don't usually know what we're doing where! We say "what shall we do next?" you go-

karl: But I know- like, Rock Busters has been early.

ricky: Right.

karl: So that's normally done at about-

ricky: Has that really thrown you, has it? *makes alarm noise*

karl: I just don't like all this change and that. It's messin' about innit?

ricky: Rain man.

karl: So what do you want now?

steve: Well, what about song with a story?

karl: Uh... right well, last week-

steve: Look at him, he's in a genuinely in a foul mood!

ricky: I know, he's actually rocking. He's actually rocking like rain man as well!

karl: Last week we did, like you said, Eric Clapton. This is the section where we play a song with a story. I think every song- if it's a good song, it's got a story, you've got to listen to it from the start: You get in the middle and you're thinking "ooh how's it gonna' end" and all that, you wait another minute, you know the ending, you're happy.

ricky: But- but the thing is, as Steve said um y'know, sometimes you're disappointed with it, so it's not a good story. And as Steve said, I'm not sure you're finding what you need in a song with a story. Why don't you read a book, a novel? If you want a really good story that engrosses you, why don't you read a book? You're not gonna' get it from a pop song.

karl: I haven't got time for a book. A song's three and a half minutes.

ricky: And that's it, is it? That satisfies your-

karl: Well yeah, it gets you thinking for a few minutes, then you move on.

ricky: So you stop thinking?

karl: Two minutes fifty, this one, right? It's brilliant.

ricky: Go on then.

karl: It's about uh- last week we talked about the little crippled fella.

ricky: Hmm... as I said, I don't think we say cripple anymore, but go on.

karl: Alright. This one- someone emailed in sayin' if you want a song about that, this is the song you wanna' listen to, right? It's about this fella, who uh- basically something happened- I think he's in a wheelchair. For some reason.

ricky: You thought that last time.

karl: His wife, y'know, likes goin' out. She doesn't take him with her, when she goes out.

steve: Right.

ricky: Is it "Ruby don't take your love to town"?

karl: Yeah.

ricky: Brilliant song.

karl: Will we just play it then?

ricky: Yeah. Great song.

ricky: What do you mean?

karl: Just uh... it's a good story, starts off well and that, you're feelin' sorry for him, but then he says... "where's me gun"

ricky: Yeah. 'Cause she's a slut.

karl: Why?

ricky: Because she's goin' off!

karl: Well yeah but what does he expect her to do?

ricky: What? Just 'cause he- He paralysed his legs, fighting, for his country. Presumably in the Vietnam war.

ricky: The Asian war. So he's gone, he's fought for his country, he's taken a bullet. He's come home, he can't walk. He should be a hero and then his wife's going out, putting it about downtown.

steve: Why do I never meet women like Ruby?

ricky: Forever Lost, The Magic Numbers on XFM 104.9. Well, the concert's kicked off, Steve.

steve: Yeah. I'm a bit annoyed that we're still here, really. Let's try and wrap this up quickly and then shoot off.

ricky: No one's listening anyway.

steve: Nah. We could talk about anything.

ricky: Well we do.

steve: Yeah, true.

ricky: It makes no difference--

steve: We could do a lot more swearing than we normally do. We could do even more. I was talking to Karl the other night.

steve: 'Cause I've been watching, re-watching for some reason, that film, Witness, with Harrison Ford.

ricky: Oh, great film.

steve: Where he's a policeman that has to protect a little boy who's part of the Ammish community, Amish?

ricky: Amish.

steve: Amish?

ricky: Yeah.

steve: And I tried to explain to Karl--

ricky: You look plain, John Book.

steve: Exactly, exactly. And I obviously tried to explain the Amish to Karl. He'd never heard of them, completely stonyfaced, confused.

ricky: Amazing.

steve: Now for those--

ricky: Okay, you explained it to him, have you?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Okay then. Now I don't know what you said, but I'm assuming you got it right, right?

ricky: Karl, now tell me. Tell me back now. What are the Amish?

karl: They're just, just people who sort of live like in the olden times. So to them, they're sort of in about 1842 or something. So they're getting old papers and that. They haven't caught up to--

ricky: No, no, no, no, no.

karl: They don't have telly.

ricky: They don't deny that the 20th century has happened, they just don't want to be part of it. They look up and they see planes and they know what they are.

ricky: And they go into the town and they see in the window of Dixon's, a telly. They just don't want to be part of it.

karl: No they're, they're still living--

ricky: They are still living like it's, yeah, 1800.

karl: That's what I mean.

ricky: Yeah, but they know, they know about everything else, they just don't want to be part of it because they think that the, sort of the revolution, was a bad thing. They think, you know, that society became more and more depraved and they wanted to go away from it and they wanted to go back to old values and they think they don't need TV and jets and that way of life.

ricky: They can they can survive in the old way 'cause the old way was better.

steve: Missing out on Live 8.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: Yeah, but they haven't had Band-Aid yet.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: I think that this is the problem that Karl had. He, in his mind, they were just a bit delayed. So in his head, they were slowly moving towards the 20th century.

ricky: Well they wouldn't be able to watch most of these bands with all their electric guitars. They'd be allowed to watch Tracy Chapman.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Doing her acoustic set.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Between the vans.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That'd be all right, they'd love that.

steve: But in Karl's mind it's like if he--

ricky: Although they wouldn't like Fast Car. They wouldn't like singing about that, they'd go "What are you talking about?" Pony and trap, "You got a pony and trap," that'd be all right.

karl: But are they still, do they still get sort of rubbish post and that saying, "We need your money for this," or you know, "Get behind this charity."

ricky: No they live in a, it's like a community. They're farmers, aren't they? They're farmers.

steve: It's an agricultural community and they're obviously very staunchly religious. In actual fact, it would suit you very well because you have--

steve: You hate crowds, you hate groups of people, you don't like the modern world. You'd love it down there, wouldn't you?

ricky: He wouldn't like getting up at four o'clock to milk a cow, though, would he?

steve: Well, no, but — he'd get used to it.

ricky: Go back to bed, couldn't ya?

karl: It's probably — I mean, have they got anything to do with the Hare Krishna people?

ricky: No.

steve: No.

ricky: Nothing at all.

karl: Because out of all the religions, that's— you know I'm not a religious person. I don't understand it.

ricky: You're only saying Hare Krishna cause you've got the head.

karl: No, I'm...

ricky: That's the only you think it'd be...

karl: I'm halfway there.

ricky: Yeah, yeah.

karl: But the thing is,

karl: Out of all of the— you just... what's— what was that?!

ricky: Money just fell out of me pocket, where I'm— I'm nearly laying down.

steve: That's the danger of wearing sweatpants.

steve: Everywhere you go.

ricky: And don't forget the lying down in a chair.

steve: Yeah.

karl: No, I'm— you know, I've never been a religious type, you know, if people want to do it I let 'em do it and what have you.

steve: Good of you.

karl: But out of all of them, the— I want one that's not going to take over your life. I don't want one where you've gotta get up three times a day and you've got to go and pray and that, you've got to get up early. Forget that...

ricky: Yep.

karl: ...it's getting in the way. But if it's something

karl: Like, I was walking to work the other day, right. Crossed Oxford Street, there's a little Hare Krishna fella there, and he sort of had— he had a leaflet and stuff, and he said, you know, "you interested?" And I said, "what do you do?", and he said "well, you know, we're against getting stressed out" and what have you. And erm... he gave me a plum.

karl: They hand out food for some reason. But I sort of asked a few questions...

steve: It's just the imagery...

steve: These two bald people, one of which is wearing an orange smock...

ricky: Holding a plum in the middle...

steve: ...he hands the other one a plum. It's almost like— you can imagine some kind of religious painting.

ricky: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

karl: But, you know, what is their sort of main thing cause he didn't really tell me that much. He was a Japanese bloke, so I didn't know what he was saying that much.

ricky: Why? He wasn't speaking English?

karl: Not— not very well. He wasn't the best sales bloke to send out for them, is what I'm saying.

ricky: Yeah...

karl: But

karl: What's their— are they— you're saying they're nothing like...

steve: Well I believe Hare Krishna is a kind of— is an offshoot of sort of Buddhist faith.

ricky: It is, I think they are Buddhist, aren't they?

steve: Yeah, and obviously their most— their kind of trademark as it were, is that they have to say, I believe they have to say Hare Krishna, Hare Hare Krishna, in a certain rhythm in a certain order a certain amount of times per day. That's why you see them walking down the street saying Hare Krishna, Hare Hare Krishna, because it's actually a sort of religious chant which they're obliged to do. So, you see even if you go into the Hare Krishna faith, you may find yourself, you know, in Tesco or whatever, forced

steve: To say Hare Krishna, Hare Hare Krishna, perhaps while...

karl: Out loud...

steve: Out loud.

karl: ...not just thinking it.

steve: Yeah, no no out loud.

karl: You couldn't put it on an iPod and listen...

steve: You couldn't put that on an iPod, no, it doesn't count. No, I think you have to actually say it. So I guess that kind of eats into your into your social life a little bit.

ricky: And then there's the wearing orange as well.

steve: Particularly frustrating I imagine if you're in a cinema or a library, a little bit awkward there. You know midway through Star Wars or whatever...

ricky: Or, you live next door to a bloke called Harry Krishna...

steve: Ha, yeah.

ricky: ...who constantly thinks you're calling him.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: That, probably...

steve: Yeah.

steve: So that's in essence... I mean, I don't think we've quite done the Hare Krishna faith its full service there. But, so, interesting to you? I mean you got handed a plum, you've been treated well by them.

karl: Yeah, but he couldn't tell... I just want to know how much time it would take up. What are the benefits? You know, what can you do, what can't you do?

ricky: Well I think the benefits are they probably don't get stressed out, they've probably got that sort of zen, that qi-ness about them where they try and interact, and...

steve: Quite meditative.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Yeah...

ricky: They've got some nice trainers as well don't they, with their orange.

steve: What are you looking for then in a faith, Karl? You say what are the benefits, I mean obviously Catholicism you get the communion wine and bread, so...

karl: Yeah, but I can afford that.

steve: Right.

karl: Probably, just... I liked the Crusaders, I was forced into joining that as a kid because a mate sort of joined it and he sort of said "are you joining it?", I sort of swore at him, I said "I'm not

karl: Doing that", right. He said "right, if you don't come with me, I'll tell your mam that you just swore". So I was like argh. So I went along and I used to just go on the Friday when they played, you know, Subbuteo and stuff, and then I went on one Sunday and it was it was totally different. There was no Subbuteo. There was no sort of, you know...

ricky: Table tennis.

karl: ...the thing where you hold a thing and knock things over.

ricky: Skittles.

karl: Skittles. There was all that on Friday. Went on the Sunday, it was rubbish. They said "right, sit down in this room", they

karl: Gave me a Bible, I thought this looks too heavy this. This is too big, I'm not interested in this book. And I never went again, I used to hide on a Sunday when they came around. That's been the only sort of...

ricky: [laughs] Why did it suddenly turn out you'd have to hide on a Sunday when they're coming round?

karl: Because they wouldn't leave, they wouldn't leave the house.

ricky: Who was it, were they adults?

karl: It was a... yeah sort of, well he seemed like an adult to me at the time, but he was probably about 27.

ricky: Well that is an adult.

karl: Yeah, but d'you know

karl: What I mean he seemed a lot older when I was a kid.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: And he came knocking and that, and I used to say to me mam "oh, just tell him I'm ill or somat", and he used to hang around to see if I'd eventually come out to play an' that, and if I did I think they would have grabbed me and took me there.

steve: I love the idea that you want... that for you religion has to bring with it some kind of gift. It's like, you know, "join our faith and you get an alarm clock radio". It's like those things with credit cards...

ricky: But I think religion does bring a gift. Usually it's...

steve: Well, the gift of the lord.

ricky: Well, the gift of everlasting life, isn't it? And

ricky: That's the problem with it, you know. A lot of people believe in it because they think, I'll be alright.

steve: But for Karl, his feeling is like that should be a given, that's safe. I'm definitely going home with eternal life. But what else can I have? Is there an iPod in it?

ricky: Why do you have to have a religion? Because obviously I don't have a religion, I don't miss it and I wouldn't want one. I'm an atheist, and that's out of that's out of belief, that's out of logic. I wouldn't even get into the politics or the...

karl: Yeah.

ricky: ...the morality of it. Why d'you feel you need a religion? Why don't you just get a hobby?

karl: Well, I didn't want one. I don't want one. I just was saying that...

karl: Now, if I was to get one, which one would I go for is what I'm saying?

ricky: Hmmm?

steve: I'd like to see you, perhaps as a Jew. I think Judaism would suit you well, I think.

karl: What are the hours like for that?

steve: Tough, it can be tricky.

karl: That's what I mean, I don't want anything that's, you know, and they have a day where they don't eat and stuff. I couldn't be doing with that.

ricky: They may have days where they eat lot, too much.

karl: Yeah, but what happens if I'm not that hungry that day.

karl: Like I said, I don't like change.

ricky: No

karl: No, I like me Cheerios in the morning.

karl: I don't [inaudible].

steve: I still have that other girl In My Head by Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach on this Final XFM Show. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

ricky: Well we've nearly gotta wrap it up, I think we've gotta do the uh, Rockbusters winner and give someone those lovely prizes. Monkey News, and then we're out of here. Maybe come back - maybe do some Christmas specials?

steve: I don't want to make any promises

karl: Right then, first one. First one was uh -

karl: Richard's kid, he cuts hair for a living.

ricky: Yeah, what's that?

karl: That was uh, well try and work it out.

ricky: No. There's no point.

karl: Dick's son. He was a barber, ba- ba- Barbara Dickson. Right? Dickson.

ricky: Doesn't work.

karl: Dickson. Well again, they always get it

ricky: Barber, Barber Dickson. Her name wasn't Barber Dickson was it?

karl: So, that's that one

ricky: Did Ronnie Corbett ever say:

ricky: (Ricky imitates Ronnie Corbett) Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Barber Dickson?

karl: Second one.

ricky: No, he never did did he?

karl: Second one was uh: I have a problem saying the French word for well. What's the French word for well?

ricky: Bon, innit? That's good.

karl: No, that's good that.

ricky: Bell? I dunno, what?

karl: Innit uh, innit Bien?

ricky: Yeah

karl: Yeah, alright? I have a problem saying it. So I can't say it. I can't say Bien. Can't say. Can't say Bien. Can't say. Kasay. Kasabian. Right? So, they managed to work that one out.

steve: WHAT?

karl: Can't, can't say -

steve: That's one of your worst

karl: Can't say bien. Kasabian.

steve: Can't say bien. It's not. It doesn't

karl: Nah

ricky: It doesn't work.

steve: That's terrible.

karl: And the last one. Eight kebabs, two kebabs, plus fifty-seven kebabs

karl: Times Twenty-seven kebabs. This fella is struggling working it out. What's the answer there? DS. Right, A Donner Sum, Uhh? Right - so he's struggling working out, he's uhh. It's a donner sum uhm. So they got that right as well.

steve: Wh-what was the answer?

karl: Donna Summer.

steve: Donna Summer?

karl: Yeah, donna sum uh? Donna Summer. So uh, just pick -

ricky: We went out on a high then

karl: Just pick one, Steve. Steve, just pick one

ricky: We went out on a high

steve: Man alive! That was shocking

karl: What about uh?

karl: Let's have a look? There's uh...

ricky: Well, it's the first one to get all three. Steve, what's the first one with all three?

steve: Well, there's so many here

ricky: Yeah just do the first one that came through in time wise

steve: Um

karl: Probably that one there

steve: No, I don't like Rob because he's been slagging us off

steve: In fact, no: let's give it to Rob, he hates the show

ricky: If he's the first. If he's the first -

steve: Now, to be honest with you, Rob's been slagging us off, but at least he knows - I mean at least he's got some taste

ricky: Yeah,

steve: You know?

ricky: Yeah well if he was the first then Rob's the winner

steve: Well yeah, we'll give Rob, he gets Ladder 49 and a bunch of other DVDs. But that means he goes straight into the hat for the big draw.

ricky: So you're putting him in there now?

steve: I'm just gonna write his name down, and gonna throw that straight in there, in the hat.

steve: I can imagine that no one, even the people who've entered, are that excited. Not because the prizes aren't great, but I'm worried that they don't appreciate it, Rick. D'you know, I get the feeling that our listeners, they just don't appreciate the fact that we've gone to all this trouble. We've got the Homer Simpson drawing, things like that. I just feel like these people don't deserve it.

steve: And you know what, it's weird. I just wish we had a better quality of listener. People who listen to Radio 2, they deserve it, you know, they're elderly and infirm, some of them. They, they could read it, it would really cheer them up. But our lot, you know, drug addicts.

karl: Well, let me put you out.

steve: You know, truck drivers.

steve: So I'm gonna, I've just put all the names in the hat. All the previous winners from the previous weeks and Bob as well.

ricky: Who's pulling it out? It says Pilky, um gonna pull it out?

steve: You want Pilky or do you want Ricky?

ricky: Oh, well, let's, let's have a shaved monkey do it.

steve: Alright. Plunge your hands in there.

karl: Is, is just, that's one, innit?

steve: That's it, just, yeah, pull that one out. Check who it is.

karl: Aight, it's uh, Gavin Thompson. In Edinburgh.

steve: Well done, Gav.

karl: How're we gonna get them up there?

ricky: It's not his problem. You've gotta post em. You've gotta pay for - they're amazing prizes.

karl: Yeah but the Spinal Tap one, it's about five foot, innit?

ricky: Well, they can post it. It'd cost them a few quid. It's a radio station.

steve: I think he should have to come and collect it.

steve: No, cause then it'll at least prove -

ricky: Hold on.

steve: It'll prove that he's interested.

ricky: Where's he from?

karl: Edinburgh.

ricky: Give it to Bob Geldof. I'll give it to Bob Geldof.

steve: He's walking up there soon isn't he?

ricky: If, if he can dog it.

ricky: Turin Brakes. Fishing for a Dream. That's what we're fishing for, isn't it? We're fishing for a dream today.

steve: What's that?

ricky: I mean, probably, I don't know, I don't know what I was talking about. I was, I dunno.

steve: Doesn't matter what you saying, Rick. No one's listening.

ricky: No one's listening. Well we've got to finish anyway. Time to -

steve: When I think about the fact that we, I mean think how small our percentage of listeners is anyway.

ricky: Anyway. And then U2 are on stage at the moment.

steve: Yeah. This is like broadcasting during Christmas dinner.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: This, this is the same.

ricky: On a hospital radio.

steve: Yeah. Exactly.

ricky: Where everyone's got an iPod for Christmas.

steve: Yeah, yeah. On the ward.

ricky: Yeah, yeah. Well, we've, we've just got, we're gonna go through, we're gonna go through now to half past and I've gotta rush off, I'm afraid. Um, to, to Live Aid. Um.

steve: Don't, don't apologize, mate.

ricky: No.

steve: When people see the glam that you're bringing to that event.

ricky: But they don't even care about the people introduced in it. Comedians going there and going "ladies and gentlemen". Just get on with it!

steve: No, I agree.

ricky: No, I've got a good joke: "two blokes with" - get on with it. Bring on Madonna. Um, but we're gonna give it to him.

ricky: Karl, we're gonna go through to the end. We've done everything we have to do. Monkey News. The final Monkey News of the year, possibly. It's been a joy, I have to say, on behalf of myself, Steve Merchant, and this little bald manc, it's been a pleasure.

steve: Yeah, speak for yourself.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: Come on.

steve: We should just point out as well if you, if you miss, uh, Rockbusters while we're away, hah, yeah right, uh, you can log on to xfm dot co dot uk forward slash rockbusters, where you can actually see Karl himself um, play, um, introducing you to an interactive game of Rockbusters.

ricky: Looks very much like blockbusters.

steve: It does, surprisingly. But yeah, you can, uh, you can join into that and -

karl: And there's also uh, talking of Monkey News, there's a, there's a link on um, on the website, I'm trying to think where you go. I think if you go on my little biography bit, someone's done some animation to some old monkey news.

ricky: Oh, it's brilliant. Great.

karl: Alright.

ricky: Yeah.

steve: So if you, if you, if you're having withdrawal symptoms of Monkey News, then you can find some classic Monkey News.

ricky: And it's animated. Classic Monkey News.

karl: I feel drained today.

steve: Do you?

karl: Go on.

ricky: This is, this is -

ricky: This is the strangest radio show in the world.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Isn't it?

steve: Yeah.

ricky: Because the... we can do that, we can talk about this and go "Ohh I feel drained today" just like he's not - like no one's listening, because that's the sort of thing you say, socially, and no one listens like he's washing up "Oh I feel drained today". It's rhetorical. You're not expecting anyone, not even your loved ones to go "Oh really?" - they just go "Awww" like that. But to do it live on air.

steve: Yeah.

ricky: I've... no one's listening.

karl: What I mean is just give us a jingle.

ricky: But... the contempt we have for our poor listeners is unbelievaable.

steve: The truth is that the listeners aren't listening and we don't want to be here. So it's really is one of the most pointless...

karl: I would have been quite happy to do a full show.

ricky: But you know what?

karl: But flow of it's just...

ricky: I would love to listen this back in ten years - this actual show. Let's keep this forever. Let's keep this show forever - the show we went early, we were bored, it was a day we we're trying to save Africa, but we're a little bit annoyed that no one's listening. Yeah, right, right once and for all the final monkey news of the year.

karl: Ah, go on.

ricky: What, what were you gonna say?

ricky: No, I was just gonna say - if you're not into the Live 8 and you're gay. You're not listening. Because you're on a walk.

ricky: Right! Okay, right. Oh chimpanzee that! Monkey News!

karl: Right. There's this card game going on, right. At a big hotel in Vegas.

ricky: Right?

karl: The Luxor Hotel in Vegas.

ricky: Yeah.

karl: There's a major card game, all the big players and that were involved... were all invited.

karl: Anyway, so they all meet up in this dark room at the back of the...

ricky: Ohhh there we go dark room, hairy fella? he was brilliant at poker.

karl: So it's a big game and that, everyone's been waiting for it. So it's played in the back room. Not in the main entrance bit, right? So anyway, like I say it's dark in there and what have you and the players went in there was already someone sat in there.

ricky: Right. Short bloke?

karl: But they couldn't quite see him.

ricky: Was it a short and hairy, but with slightly longer arms than legs?

karl: Couldn't see him...

ricky: Were his arms slightly longer than his legs?

karl: Couldn't see him because of it being dark and what-have-you.

steve: Was he holding his hand of cards with his feet?

karl: Anyway!

karl: The cards were dealt right? Cards were dealt. Games going on.

ricky: (laughing) holding his cards with his feet...

karl: Game went on for hours. There was...

ricky: No ones listening. The terrible thing is - not even we're listening to karl now.

steve: I know!

ricky: No one. Literally no one is listening.

karl: There was a lot of smoking going on.

ricky: He's carrying on.

karl: Lot of eating, lot of eating of nuts going on - that was a bit weird because they don't normally and get through as many, but for this night.... Oh come on let's just play Bruce.

steve: See you MAYBE at Christmas time.

ricky: Goodbye!

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